Ch. 4
Have a Drink on Me

I don't know why, but for some reason I expected to see an actual tavern of some sort. At the very least, a cheaply made booth behind the nearest bar. But, nope. It was just another kid's house in the neighborhood.

"There it is," whispered Cartman. "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey."

"It doesn't look like much," I stated.

"Oh, Sir Ash, so naïve," Cartman turned to Butters. "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

"That's what Twitters says."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "CARRIER RAVEN, BUTTERS!"

"So-sorry! That's what the carrier raven says."

"Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Ash… let's go inside."

Craig and Token walked away quickly to sneak around to the back of the house. Cartman lead us up to the front door and opened it. I heard classic jazz music pouring through the speakers, and the smell of cider and soda was heavy in the air. There were several people in there, all dressed differently, but none of them appeared to have any elf ears. That was a good sign.

"This doesn't seem so bad," I whispered to Butters.

"You haven't seen nothin' yet."

"He's right, Sir Ash," Cartman muttered. "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron. Stay close…"

I gulped and kept a firm grip on my new wand. Cartman lead us up to the bar, where there was only one lowly bartender working the counter. Cartman leaned against the counter, pointing to the selection.

"A glass of Meedlewine, please."

"No Meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale."

"A pint of Fairy Ale, then."

The bartender nodded, and began rummaging around the bar. I realized how thirsty I actually was and walked up.

"Make it two," I said. "It's on me."

"Sure thing."

The bartender brought up two red solo cups and filled them with what looked like green vitamin water. Cartman grinned at me.

"How kind of you, Sir Ash," he picked up his cup and raised it. "Cheers."

I grabbed mine and brought it up against his. This wasn't just a gesture made out of the goodness of my heart. I was trying to get on Cartman's good side. If I could do that, maybe he won't be so mad once he finds out I'm a girl. I mean, I don't plan on telling them just yet, but they're bound to find out eventually. Cartman and I sipped on our ale as he turned back to the bartender.

"So… has, uh… anyone seen the Bard lately?"

It was like somebody flipped a switch. The music suddenly cut off, the chatter ceased, and everyone inside was staring at us. Well, more like glaring at us. I kept my head down as I continued to drink my ale. Cartman shrugged.

"A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs," he justified.

Everyone continued to glare at him, not saying a word. I gulped down the rest of my ale, growing more and more nervous. The bartender broke the silence.

"Sure, he's here alright. He's got a room down in the cellar."

"Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services," Cartman finished up his ale and tossed his cup on the ground. "Sir Ash…"

I threw some change on the counter for the ale and quickly followed Cartman away from the bar. Butters and Princess Kenny followed close behind me. He lead us all the way to the back to a door that must lead to the cellar.

"Butters, Ash, go down and flush him out," he whispered. "Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

I nodded. He opened the door, and Butters and I walked through. It was dark. Very dark. I could see some supplies, food and more drink all around the room.

"Do you see him?" I whispered to Butters.

"Not yet."

We tiptoed as quietly as we could, searching around for any sign of anyone down here. Just as I was about to give up and call out to Cartman, there was the subtle strum of a small lute. It filled my ears and rang loudly in my head. I felt a chill throughout my body and I could see Butters was shaking. Then, from out of the shadows stepped out a small figure. It was a boy dressed in a green cloak and wearing a hat made of newspaper. He had a lute strapped to his chest and was walking around on what was obviously crutches.

"Oh Jesus! It's the Bard!"

"Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings!" the Bard stuttered. "Elves, fall in!"

At that moment, several more figures appeared out of the shadows. Elves. They surrounded us, trapping us in a circle.

"AAASH! IT'S A TRAAAP!"

I turned my head in time to see Cartman being dragged away before the door was slammed shut.

"You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- with magical songs of encha- With magical songs of encha-chaaaaa… Mag-magical songs of enchame-me-me…"

"Oh boy," I muttered.

"With magical songs of encha-chaaaa… Mag-magical songs of enchame-me-me… Magical songs of enchantment."

I brought out my newest wand and held it up, ready for whoever wanted to come for me first. Butters brought out his hammer, looking ready for a fight. The Bard walked off to the other side of the room and stood on top of a cardboard box. He tuned his lute a bit, and then broke into song.

"There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hallow… She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow…"

Wow, that was actually pretty good. Unfortunately, the song seemed to have given the elves an advantage, so I had no time to appreciate it.

"Keep on your toes, Ash!" Butters warned.

I looked at the three elves in front of us. The two in the back were archers, and the one in the front was a swordsman. I decided to go for him first. I took out my Dust of Dreams and threw it in his face, along with my fist. He was stunned and fell to the ground.

"So, apparently the plague is going around," said the Bard. "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I hear it's spread by rats and the Wizard King's m-m-mom."

I snorted and covered my mouth to hide my laughter. This kid was good. Butters then ran up, holding his hammer tightly.

"Feel my righteous fury!"

Butters held his hammer up to the air and waited for a moment. For some reason, I thought I heard thunder. Then, what appeared to be lightening appeared from above and hit Butters' hammer. He aimed, and the lightening hit the stunned elf. I stood there and stared in awe. That was new!

"Asshole!"

One of the archers loaded his bow and fired two shots at Butters, one of which he was able to block. The other archer did the same thing, firing this time at me. I was able to block the first one and dodge the second.

"I have a nice lance that she sat upon… The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom…"

This kid was really good. Before any of the elves could do anything I ran up and gave three, good power attacks to the stunned one's head, and it knocked him out completely. Butters quickly ran forward and gave one of the archers a good smack with his hammer. The archer loaded his arrow and fired both of his shots at Butters. He blocked them, but still managed to get a few scratches on his face. The other archer loaded up and fired at Butters as well, but Butters was able to block both without trouble. He was looking much weaker now.

"Take a health potion!" I told him.

The Bard sang his song again, and it brought up the elves health. I groaned angrily as I ran forward to stand in front of the first archer. I quickly bent over and used Dragonshout on him. He groaned and threw up. Not only was he stunned, but his health had gone down more than halfway.

Butters finished his last cookie, looking much better now, before running forward at the same elf. All it took was one good hit to the head, and the second elf was down. All that was left was the third archer. The Bard sang once more, bringing up his defense.

"He can't fight both of us," I said to Butters.

The elf looked nervous as he loaded his arrow once more. He was so nervous that one of the arrows he had aimed at Butters didn't even come close to him. I smirked as I quickly hit him with Dust of Dreams and he was stunned. Butters brought his hammer up and smacked it across the kid's face, knocking him down.

"Whoppie!" he cried.

"Wow… w-what a butt kicking…"

I turned to see the Bard had left his spot on the box and was running up the stairs. He opened the door, and several more elves appeared in the doorway.

"Get down there and finish them off! I will protect the S-Stick of Truth."

I quickly louted the three down elves for everything they had, getting some more money and supplies. I stood up and saw and elf waiting for us at the end of the room. I looked around for an escape route, and saw that there was a lit oil lamp sitting next to a small propane tank. Time to put my new magic ability to work. I quickly inhaled and farted into my hand to cup-a-spell. I tossed it up at the lamp, and it lit up, causing the tank to explode and knock out the elf. I smiled, but it quickly faded as I realized that there were still three more elves inside with us.

"Hey, Sir Ash! Up here!"

I turned my head to look up at the small window of the cellar. It was Craig. I quickly took out my bow and loaded an arrow into it, aiming at the window. I fired and it hit, knocking it open.

"I'll handle this," said Craig.

He stepped onto the shelf below him and walked towards the other end. He knocked down an oil lamp which caught fire as it hit the ground. He started to mess around with the wires of the fuse box, but was suddenly electrocuted. He cried out as he fell over and hit the ground hard.

"Ow! My ankle! I think it might be broken."

"Maybe I should take a look at it," said Butters.

I quickly knocked down the boxes that were in our way and we ran over to Craig. The other elves started to advance on us, but I quickly used cup-a-spell on the broken oil lamp, and they all lit up and fell over. Butters walked over to Craig and patted his back gently.

"There, there, buddy. You're gonna be okay."

"Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed."

"We have to get upstairs," I said. "Craig, can you get the door open?"

"Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of!"

Craig ran up to the door and began to pick at the lock. A few seconds later it clicked, and the door opened.

"C'mon, let's get outta here!"

We all ran out back into the living room.

"FOR THE ELF KING!"

I looked up to see an elf run into the kitchen. A second later, I heard a scream.

"Quit it! AHGHGH! Someone help!"

"Come on, the Wizard's in the kitchen!" cried Butters. "We gotta help him!"

I followed him as he ran into the kitchen. Three elves were inside, surrounding a large mass that was laying on the floor.

"I don't fucking think so!"

I ran up and smacked an elf across the arm with my wand. He backed up and the other two elves came forward to his aid. They all had weapons and shields, and looked much more prepared.

"Surrender," ordered Butters. "Or- or- or bad stuff will happen."

Time to give my new wand a test drive. I went for the kid armed with a long garden hoe. I jumped up, spun around and gave a huge power attack to his torso, knocking his health down to halfway. Butters ran forward to the same elf, giving a huge power attack with his hammer. It wasn't enough, and the elf ran forward and gave three swipes of his hoe at Butters. The archer elf fired twice, aiming one at Butters and one at me, both of which we blocked. The one with the pizza box shield ran forward with his club and was able to hit Butters across the face, giving him a good cut on his cheek.

"K-keep tryin'!" he snapped back.

I glared angrily at all of the elves before advancing on the first one again. I gave him a hard hit with my wand, and he finally went down. I watched as Butters took out a little snack cake and ate it, bringing up his health once more. One finished, he brought his hammer up and went for the shielded elf. He was able to break his shield, but not bring down his health. The archer reloaded and fired a total of four shots at Butters. I froze for a moment before relaxing as Butters was able to block all four of them.

"I'm rubber, you're glue!"

The previously armored elf seemed to do something to his club before running up to me. I was able to block his attack, but something happened as he hit. My whole body suddenly became cold and my movements had slowed. I clutched myself as I shivered in my boots.

"You're slowing down," Butters called out. "Here, have a cure potion!"

I reached up and grabbed the small water bottle that Butters tossed over to me. I didn't hesitate to drink it down. Immediately, the frozen feeling went away and I started moving normally. Deciding this guy needed a break, I ran up to him with my Dust of Dreams. I tossed it in his face and punched him right in his nose. He fell to the ground, groaning as his hands came up to his face.

"By the Hammer of Butters!"

Butters spun around and threw his hammer at the elf, bringing his health down tremendously. The archer quickly loaded his arrow and aimed at Butters, who blocked them both. It was my turn again, and I decided to use some more of my own magic. I took out one of my Roman candles and lit it up. I brought it to the stunned elf, and it lit his hat on fire instantly. It slowly burned at him before he fell over and passed out. Butters ran forward to the archer and gave him a good whack with his hammer. The archer, looking much weaker now, loaded his arrows and fired both of them at me. I was able to block one, but the other got me in the arm. I ran over to him and gave him a big power attack to the face, knocking his health down real low. Butters quickly backed me up, and smashed the kids head in with his hammer.

"Another victory for the good guys!"

I patted Butters on the back as I walked around and louted the elves for everything that they had. One of them had two things that I hadn't seen before. A cup of coffee labeled as a speed potion, and a taco labeled as a revive potion. Shrugging, I pocketed both items, deciding to ask about them later.

"Your word is the command, Sir Ash," Butters said as he kneeled. "Shall I heal the king, Ash? Or maybe let him suffer just a little bit more?"

I snickered. "Nah, we got shit to do. Go ahead and heal him."

Butters nodded and walked over to Cartman, who was still laying "lifeless" on the ground. He helped him sit up, and suddenly he was awake again, coughing up what appeared to be blood.

"His powers were too strong- the Bard. He's up in one of the rooms…"

Cartman took out a ketchup packet and tore it open, squeezing the contents into his mouth. Then he dropped the packet and coughed up what he just swallowed. I rolled my eyes. This kid should really go into theater.

"They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs… I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhh…"

Butters gently set Cartman back down onto the floor. I patted his shoulder.

"C'mon, we have to save the princess."

He nodded. He followed me back into the living room. I could see the Bard running up the stairs.

"The Wizard King is done for!" he cried out. "Take out the New Kid while I got upstairs to make contact with the Elf King!"

I looked out into the living room. Where there had once been a bar and tavern, there was now upturned tables and stools, laying across to make a barricade.

"You're not getting past us, fucker!"

"We should give this inn a really mean online review after we're done killing everybody," said Butters.

There were a lot of elves down here. I looked around the room and saw that the lamp above was swinging slightly. I took out my arrow and aimed it at the lamp. I fired and it hit, hitting a single elf on its way down.

"Over here, Ash!"

Butters pointed to the small, lit candle in front of the wooden planks filled with nails. I nodded. I bent over and Dragonshouted at the fire, lighting up the planks and knocking them away. Butters and I walked around the barricades, only to find that the whole area was completely blocked. Now what?

Suddenly, I could hear a voice coming from outside.

"Hello?! HEY, OPEN THE DOOR!"

I looked up at the window and saw Tweak and Token jumping up and down from outside.

"LET US IN! WE CAN HELP!"

"Use your magic on the front door, Ash!"

I nodded. I looked around and saw a lit lamp next to the door. I picked up a sharp nail off of the ground and threw it, hitting and breaking the glass. I inhaled through my ass and farted into my hand, raising it up and throwing it out. It hit and exploded, blowing a huge hole into the door. Tweak and Token both ran inside, letting out battle cries.

"For the KKK!"

Token ran forward and knocked down a bit of barrier so that we could finally get through. Tweak was smashing and hammering away at the coffee table in front that was blocking our way to the stairs. A few moments later it fell apart and we ran forward. The elves began to advance, but Token and Tweak ran forward and began hitting them with all they had. They knocked them down pretty quickly.

"Where's the king?!" asked Token.

"He's over there!" Craig pointed to the kitchen. "He's hurt bad!"

"Good thing my Medicine skills are plus four!"

"We'll revive the wizard!" Craig said to me. "You guys get upstairs!"

I nodded and grabbed Butter's wrist, dragging him up the stairs with me. As we reached the top I heard a loud, feminine scream.

"Mrm! Mrmm mrm mmmm!"

"That's Kenny!"

Butters gasped. "They're raping the princess RIGHT NOW! We have to bust in there!"

I didn't hesitate to run to the door where the screams where coming from. I grabbed the handle and threw it opened, scared for what awaited me. Princess Kenny was on top of the bed, tied and bound. And an elven boy was on the bed next to her, jumping up and down on the mattress. I stood there for a moment, staring at the sight before me. I know we're all like 9 or 10 and we shouldn't even know what sex is, but Jesus these boys actually had me thinking that Kenny was getting raped!

"He's keeping her prisoner!"

I walked forward. "Hey, uh, could you let her go please?"

"No way! You're not getting up here!"

I sighed. Guess I was doing this the hard way then. I looked around the room, trying to find a way onto the bed. Then, I found it. The second shelf's left side was leaning down too much. I took out my bow and loaded and arrow, aiming and firing at the shelf. It tilted a bit before falling onto the other shelf. The bowling ball that had rested on top of it rolled down and knocked down the stone bust that was on the first shelf. The best fell onto the second side table and hit it so hard that one of its legs bent. The ball rolled more, knocking over a piece of are that looked like a set of stairs.

"Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town."

Jimmy. So, that was his name. I ran over and hit the broken leg, knocking the table down more. I climbed up across the tables, climbed up the piece of art, and began to climb the shelves. Now, here is when I got stuck. I looked at the wire that lead from the wall all the way down to the lamp above the bed. I took out another arrow and fired at the lamp, causing it to fall and wrap around the border of the bed.

"Ah, shit!" the elf cried.

I jumped off the shelf across to the dresser and grabbed onto the wire. I jumped again and began sliding down the wire to the bed, heading right for the elf. I stuck my feet out and they connected right with his chest. He was knocked down and fell right off the bed. I ran over to Princess Kenny and quickly untied her.

"Mm mrphrm!"

She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on my cheek. I smiled and bowed.

"You're welcome, princess."

I helped her off of the bed and we all left the bedroom. All of the others, including Cartman, where outside waiting for us.

"Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?!" Cartman cried.

"They didn't rape her," I corrected him, folding my arms. "They were just jumping on the bed next to her. Nothing happened. What's going on out here?"

"We're trying to get into the Bard's room," said Token.

"I can't get through!" said Craig. "The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!"

Cartman walked forward and tried to turn the knob himself. Nothing happened. He started banging his wizard staff against the door.

"YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!"

"Yeah, I can," Jimmy called from the other side. "I have the Stick of Truth, which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

Cartman groaned. "Ungh! Can he do that?"

"He has the Stick of Truth, he can do what he wants," answered Craig.

"Dammit! There's GOT to be another way into this room!"

I looked around, trying to see if there was another way around the house. Then, as I looked up I saw a small hatch that must lead to an attic. But, before I could say anything the door opened and an elf appeared, glaring at us.

"Hey! Let us up!" demanded Token.

"You're not getting up here! The ladder's up here with me, and I'm sure as shit not coming down there!"

I glared up at the elf. I was just considering just firing an arrow at his face when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned to see Princess Kenny kneeling in front of me. I had an idea and I pointed up at the elf. She nodded and stood up, clutching her dress like before. She called out to get his attention before pulling her dress down, exposing her chest to him.

"Well, lookie what we got here!" the elf cheered. "I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah!"

The elf disappeared for a moment before a long ladder came down. He climbed down until he reached the floor and made his way over to Kenny.

"Ooooh… Those are some big ol' bitties… Man oh man…"

Princess Kenny giggled before pulling out her hand mirror and smacking him over the head with it. He was easily knocked unconscious.

"Good job Princess Gone Wild," Cartman said as he pulled out a bag of Cheesy Poofs. "Double D buddy powers."

I rolled my eyes before walking over to the ladder.

"I'll be back."

Everyone nodded. And with that I started climbing it. The attic was dark and empty, save for a few oil lamps. I could see a pair of elves just beyond the pile of junk.

"It's too dusty up here. I TOLD the Bard I was allergic…"

I carefully climbed up a snowboard onto a different pile where the first oil lamp was. After breaking the glass, I used cup-a-spell to set it off, knocking off the objects that were in my way. I walked over another pile until I had reached the second lamp, which had been broken by the previous blast. I didn't hesitate to cup-a-spell again and set it off. This one was bigger than the first, and it knocked out one of the elves. I stepped down back onto the floor and turned to face the only remaining elf. His health had dropped below halfway from the explosion, but not enough to knock him out. He stared openmouthed at me and I saw his knees tremble.

"O-oh God… you're the Dragonborn! Oh please, please don't hurt me…!"

The elf backed up into the garbage and crouched down, shaking in his shoes. My glare fell and I was filled with what could only be regret. This elf really was scared… of me.

"I'm… not gonna actually hurt you, dude…" I said.

I took a step towards him and he flinched. I stared at him for a moment before turning away in shame. I wanted to play, but I never wanted other kids to be scared of me. Not like this.

Ignoring the trembling elf, I looked around for a way to get through to the bedroom. I heard a loud creak and looked down. The floorboards were loose and wobbly. I bent down to peer between the boards and saw that I was just above Jimmy's room. I looked around quickly for something heavy and found a large trunk laying on a shelf. I went over and pushed the trunk off the shelf and onto the floor. I fell through the floor and landed with a loud crash, right into Jimmy's room. I ran over and was about to jump through when I looked back at the elf. He was still shaking, but less so now. I paused. Even though we're enemies in this game, for some reason I felt really bad for scaring him like that.

I sighed, walking back over to him. He looked up at me, looking terrified. I dug in my pocket and pulled out a small box of Snacky Cakes. I held them out to the elf, who stared at me.

"Go on, take it," I told him. "You need to get your health back up."

The elf had stopped shaking and was now staring at me, looking surprised and amazed. He stared at the box for a few more seconds before he reached out and took it. He continued to stare up at me, and I smiled down at him.

I quickly turned and ran over to the hole, jumping up and falling through it. I landed on the ground and looked around. The Bard was standing by his bed, the Stick of Truth in his hands. He was staring at me, his mouth hanging open. I glared at him before I turned and opened the door. At once, everyone came and flooded the room, surrounding the Bard.

"You've nowhere to run, Bard!" said Cartman. "Give me the Stick of Truth."

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fulfill your de- de- and fulfill your de-de… Step forward now and fulfill your de… Step forward now and fulfill your de-de… Your de…. Your deeee… Step forward now and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

"You are no match for a GRAND WIZARD!" proclaimed Cartman.

"The Stick belongs to us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

"Fine. You wanna throw down, brah? Kick his ass, Ash!"

Oh boy, here I go again…

"Who is Ash?"

"That's SIR Ash to you, Bard," I said, stepping up to him. "And I'm about to teach you some manners!"

I stepped forward, taking out my wand. Butters stepped up beside me, holding his hammer at the ready. Jimmy took out what appeared to be a flute and blew on it. I was surprised to see a trio of rats crawl out and over to his aid. I raised my eyebrows as I stared at the rats. What was I supposed to do about this?

As I pondered which move I should make, I remembered my new ability I had gained, "Lightening Volt". I decided that I could go ahead and test that out first. I targeted the middle rat first and dumped a whole bucket of water on him. It spread to all the other rats as well. Then, I took out my battery and connected the two red wires.

"Fuck 'em up!" cried Butters.

I smirked as I dropped the wires into the water pile. The middle rat took the most damage and the other two took some. I picked up the battery and walked backwards. Butters ran towards the middle one and smashed it into bits with his hammer. The second rat ran up to Butters and tried to bite his ankles, and the third one did the same to me. Jimmy didn't move from his spot, but took out his lute and started to play… a lullaby.

"Sleep now, the whip-poor-wills are d-dancing… Gently now, put your m-mind to rest…"

My head suddenly felt heavy as my body began to shut down. He was trying to put us to sleep. I groaned, keeping my head up as I glared at the Bard. There was a loud thud, and I turned to see Butters was asleep. No! I glared at Jimmy as I forced myself onto my feet and ran at him with my Dust of Dreams. I threw a fistful into his face and punched him hard. He whimpered, falling down to his hands and knees.

Luckily for me, he had put his own rats to sleep with his spell too, so it was my turn again. I took out a Roman candle and lit it up, causing Jimmy's hat to catch fire. I smirked as he recovered from being stunned only to be preoccupied with the fire. As he did, I saw Butters slowly start to wake up and get back on his feet.

"Oh gee… h-how long was I out?"

"Not long," I said. "We're still in this, though!"

I gripped my wand as I went for one of the other rats. All it took was two good hits and it was laying in bits. Butters ran up and hit the last rat once, knocking its health down. Then, Jimmy reached back and grabbed his cloak, pulling it up over his face.

"He's gonna play the brown note! Block it out!" Butters cried.

I shook my head before running forward and smacking him across the head with my wand. He stopped playing his lute and straightened up.

"You want a piece of me?!"

Butters went at the last rat one more time, and finally crushed it into a gross mess. Jimmy used his turned to drink a health potion and heal himself. I took out a Power Potion and drank it down, filling up my PP. I had enough to do my Lighting Volt again. I went straight for Jimmy this time, drenching him in water before taking out the battery.

"Fuck 'em up!"

I dropped the wires and it shocked him, bringing down quite a bit of his health. Butters didn't hesitate to run forward with his hammer.

"Feel my righteous fury!"

He raised his hammer as thunder rumbled, and lightening hit his hammer. He brought it down and it hit Jimmy full on, draining even more of his health.

This went on for several more minutes. Jimmy was definitely tougher than he appeared to me. He ended up putting Butters asleep again and even put me to sleep once, but we were both able to recover quickly enough. I probably used up most of my power potions just to get a heads up on him. Much longer into the fight, Jimmy was coming close to his end, while Butters and I were both just a few hits away from a knock out. Both of us had more cuts and bruises on our faces than before.

"Oh, you dirty w-wench!"

Jimmy was once again electrocuted by my Lighting Volt. I stepped back as Butters ran forward with his hammer in the air. He spun around and threw the hammer out at Jimmy's head, lowering his health a little more. Jimmy twitched as he brought out his lute and began to play once more.

"Close your eyes, no more thinking 'bout- thinking 'bout t-troubles… Sleep now with J-Jesus, for you are blessed…"

The sleepiness that came over me was powerful enough to bring me to my knees, but I fought against it with all I had. There was a loud thud and I turned to see Butters had fallen asleep on the floor. He had hit his head pretty hard this time, and I swore I could see a new bruise forming.

"Wow, what a terrific audience!"

I turned my head up to glare daggers at him. I pushed myself to my feet before taking out my Dust of Dreams. Running straight towards him, I grabbed a handful and threw it up at his face. I was able to get a really good punch in his chest. He groaned and kneeled, looking so much weaker. Since he was stunned, it was my turn again. I ran forward with a Roman candle in my hand and held it up to him. It sparked and flew into his face, causing even more damage.

"You s-swine shagger!"

I ran forward at him and gave three good hits across his face. His health was down more, but not enough. I heard groaning from beside me and I saw Butters slowly getting to his feet.

"Oh, not again…"

Butters shook his head as he raised his hammer, running up to Jimmy. He delivered two good whacks to the head, lowering his health more. Jimmy tried to slingshot some rocks at my head, but I dodged both of them. He looked much less cocky as I ran forward hit his head three times with my wand. So close…

"Knock him out, Butters!" I yelled.

Butters smiled as he ran back up to Jimmy. He raised his hammer and swung it at Jimmy's head.

"That smarts!"

With that, Jimmy fell over on his face, finally defeated. Butters and I leapt for joy as Cartman walked over to Jimmy and took the Stick from his arms.

"THE STICK IS OURS!"

"YAY!"

Cartman turned to me. "Ready to leave, Sir Ash?"

"Yes, Grand Wizard."

"Then let us make haste. This Inn is no longer safe for our kind."

After returning to the kingdom, Cartman immediately returned the Stick to its place on the pillow on the pedestal. I felt a sense of pride as I beamed at the Stick from outside the tent. This was all possible because of me. They never would have gotten the Stick back without me. This was perfect! Now, when they find out I'm a girl, they'll have no problem with letting me play with them. I'm set!

"The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs!" Cartman called out as he exited the tent. "Great job, men. Ash, for your heroic deeds and valiant self-sacrifice at the great Battle of The Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome, to the KKK!"

I put a hand over my mouth in shock as everyone around me started clapping. Butters still clapped the loudest, smiling at me. I smiled at all of them and gave a small bow.

"Thank you, so much!"

"You're a pretty cool guy with a ton of potential, Ash. It would be foolish not to allow you into my kingdom."

"It's getting late," a soft voice spoke out. "The Grand Wizard needs to go night-night."

I looked up to see Cartman's mother standing in the patio doorway. Cartman face palmed, looking irritated.

"Okay, Mom- thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone."

"It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to-"

"WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM!" Cartman yelled. "WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!"

I blinked, staring at Cartman in disbelief. I've never known any sane kid who would yell at their mother like that. He was a lot braver than I am. Or maybe he was just stupid. Or both.

"Ah, that's it! You're going to bed," Ms. Cartman came forward and grabbed Cartman by his cape. "The rest of you better get home too."

As she dragged Cartman away everyone looked at one another. They all gave each other the same look before disbursing and leaving the kingdom. I did the same, leaving as fast as I could so I could get home. I told Ms. Cartman thanks for letting me stay over before walking out the front door. Now that it was night the weather outside was much colder than it was earlier. The wind blew by my ankles, giving me goosebumps.

"H-hey, Ash…?"

I turned just as I stepped onto the sidewalk. Butters was standing there next to me, feet buried in the snow.

"What's up?" I asked.

"W-well… I was wonderin' if you and I could… walk home together."

I blinked, surprised.

"I mean, it's pre-pretty late, and it's really dark… so…"

"Oh Butters, you don't have to worry about me," I told him. "I'm not afraid of the dark."

"Oh, that's great! But, it's not for you, it's… for me. I-I'm kinda scared to walk home alone."

I let out a soft "oh", understanding completely. Butters looked embarrassed, but I smiled. It felt nice to think that I was the first person Butters thought of to help him get home. I turned back towards the direction of my house and held my hand out.

"Well, c'mon then. We don't wanna get grounded, do we?"

Butters smiled and took my hand. He held onto me tightly as I walked him home.