Chapter Three

April 15, 1912

As Anna made her way upstairs with Lady Mary's breakfast tray, she felt a pit of dread in her stomach. Nerves were building inside her as she prepared herself to tell her mistress about the fate of the cruiseliner her husband was on. She knocked lightly on the door and entered with the tray. "Good morning, m'lady. I'm ever so sorry to be running a bit behind this morning. Only the post was delayed, and —" she cut herself off, realizing she was rambling too quickly for her mistress to keep up.

"It's quite alright, Anna." Mary smiled at her and took a piece of toast from her tray. "How are you this morning?"

"I'm afraid I have rather bad news, m'lady." Anna took a deep breath, preparing herself for how hard it would be to let her employer know what the events that unfolded overnight. "It seems the Titanic has sunk." Anna handed her the newspaper, news of the ship's fate on the front page.

"Oh my." Mary's jaw dropped as she covered her mouth with her hand. "I thought they said it was unsinkable."

"It seems they struck an iceberg, m'lady. I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

"It's okay, Anna. I'm grateful you were here with me when I found out." Mary said and took hold of Anna's hand. "I don't suppose there's a list of survivors yet."

"Not yet, m'lady." Anna responded. "Although, I'm hoping perhaps Mr. Patrick is one of them." she said, giving Mary's hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Thank you for giving me strength, Anna." Mary said. "I think I'd like some time to myself to process everything. I'll ring when I'm ready to change."

"Very good, m'lady." Anna excused herself quietly, hoping her mistress was going to be okay should the news come that Patrick was not one of the survivors.

That evening, Robert made his way up to Mary's room to inform her of the news he thought was inevitable. He knocked and entered at her call to come in. He saw she was still in her robe from this morning. "I'm sorry for intruding, Mary. I know you're likely worrying about Patrick, and I've some news on that score, although not very good news I'm afraid."

"I know he's dead, Papa." Mary said. "I had a bad feeling when Anna told me about what happened, and you're here to confirm what I thought, aren't you?"

"Yes, my dear." He brought his daughter into his embrace and kissed her temple. "I'm so sorry."

Mary let herself cry on her father's shoulder for a time. She had to admit she didn't know why she was crying over a man she had only married out of duty, but still she did care for him. He was her cousin, after all, so she supposed that was what was making her emotional. When she had gathered herself slightly, she looked up at her father. "In a way, I'm glad of this outcome. He doesn't have to deal with the trauma of having survived such a thing. But it still hurts knowing Ellie doesn't have her father around anymore."

"I know my dear." Robert gently wiped her tears with his handkerchief. "I'm sorry you lost a loving husband and father." Mary pushed aside the guilt she felt at having so little connection to the words 'loving husband' and focused her attention to the grief her father must be feeling.

"I'm sorry for you too, Papa. You lost the closest thing you had to a son. And that's not to mention the fact that he was also the heir." she said. "Do you know who the new heir is?"

"A distant cousin of mine, a lawyer," he answered. "But nevermind that now, let's just focus on the memorial preparations for the time being. Anna, Watson, and O'Brien are sorting out all our black as we speak."

"Okay." she responded. "I'm sorry I'm not dressed for dinner. I just needed the day to process things. One minute he was here and the next he was gone."

"My dear, no one expects you to come down for dinner." her father assured her. "This is the hardest on you out of all of us. He was your husband." Once again Mary felt a twinge of guilt for hearing that word and not associating it with love, but she didn't let it show on her face as she gave her father a soft smile to thank him for his understanding before he left the room.

May 1912

Mary pretended to grieve at the memorial. She mourned Patrick as the father their baby would never have and a cousin she had deeply liked, but she felt guilty that, in her heart, she was not grieving him as a loving husband. Her family didn't know that. They thought she was stoic with grief over becoming a widow, but the truth was the guilt she was racked with from feeling as though she wasn't grieving the way she should is what made her stoic and quiet. She couldn't sleep most nights. Fortunately, the circles under her eyes added to the illusion she was a grieving widow, but the fact that it was an illusion only added to her guilt.

August 4, 1912

When Anna came up to prepare her bed one day nearly three months after the memorial, Mary couldn't hang onto the guilt anymore. As Anna was braiding her hair, Mary spoke, "Anna, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, m'lady."

"Do you think it's wrong that I don't feel a lot of grief for Patrick as a husband? I don't feel as though I'm as sad as I should be. I never really loved Patrick in a romantic way." Mary said, admitting something she had felt bad about since the day she had tied the knot with him.

"There's no right or wrong way to grieve, m'lady. You mustn't be too hard on yourself."

"I do miss him, though. I hope it doesn't seem like I don't." Mary confided. "I wish Ellie still had her father in her life, I really do. He loved her, I know that. But I also know that had I managed to give him a boy, his time and attention for her would have dropped considerably."

"Most men long for a son, m'lady." Anna said, finishing up her mistress's braid. "But I do believe Mr. Patrick loved Ellie a great deal, just as your father loves you and your sisters a great deal."

"I know he did, and I'll be sure to tell her that lots." Mary said. "I feel bad for speaking ill of him now that he's gone. I did care for him, genuinely. But that care didn't quite extend to a romantic love, I'm sorry to say. I did love him for giving me Ellie though."

"And that kind of love is perfectly valid, m'lady." Anna assured her, gently touching Mary's arm. Mary let out a small sigh of relief and stood. Revealing the emotions that had been bottled up for so long had made her ready to get a full night's sleep for the first time since Patrick's passing.