Chapter Six
October 20, 1913
Two weeks had gone by, and Anna had done her very best to ignore the impure feelings that were bubbling up inside of her. She thought she was doing a good job at the task, but Mary could tell something was up. Anna's hands were shaking when they were usually so steady, and she often paused in between tasks without realizing it. However, Mary still felt that unique sense of calm in Anna's presence, and she knew for sure now that this meant she loved her. She had never felt this way with anyone before. Mary hoped Anna's strange actions meant that she reciprocated her feelings, but there was only one way to be sure. It was a big risk but one she had to take to be sure of her maid's feelings.
After Anna had slipped Mary's nightgown over her head, Mary just stood there looking at her maid for a moment, contemplating her next move. Finally, she decided to just get on with it. She leaned in and gave Anna's lips a quick peck. She didn't let herself linger there for as long as she wanted to because she didn't want Anna to feel forced into anything. She took a step back and looked into Anna's eyes. They looked as if they were brimming with tears, and Mary opened her mouth to apologize. Before she could get a word out, Anna was on her tiptoes, kissing her back. Anna kissed her with a passion and fervor that Mary had never felt before. Even when she had been married to Patrick, he had never kissed her that deeply. Her whole body was full of a tingling sensation like she had never experienced; she knew then and there that she most certainly did love Anna. She longed to tell her her feelings; somehow she felt safe exposing her deepest feelings to Anna, a kind of ease she had never felt before. "Anna, I love you." she blurted when their kiss broke. "I know that might be odd for you to hear, and if it is, I'm sorry. But the way I feel with you, the comfortability I have, is something I've never experienced before. And I know it means that I love you."
Anna blushed and smiled furiously before looking down at the floor. She felt that same comfortable feeling when she was with Mary. Was it love? Yes, she supposed it was. But she couldn't say it. Things weren't the same for her; she could lose her job and then she'd have to start all over. She could be cast out and shunned, or worse. She didn't want to think about prison or death being a consequence for simply loving someone, but unfortunately that was the way society was. Suddenly, she realized she had been lost in her thoughts for quite a while. She shook her head to snap herself out of her thoughts. She longed to tell Mary she loved her too, but she couldn't shake away those fears in the back of her mind that would arise with someone finding out. Instead, she smiled at Mary in a way she hoped conveyed her feelings without saying them out loud. "Good night, m'lady."
"Good night, Anna." Mary smiled back. While she was slightly hurt Anna hadn't said it back, that smile had told her everything she needed to know. Anna did love her, even if she wasn't quite ready to say so. Anna exited the room, and Mary got into bed happily, picturing Anna's smile until she drifted off into a deep and happy slumber.
Anna had woken up in the early morning hours and couldn't go back to sleep. Her mind was going a thousand miles a minute, wondering whether she should've told Mary she loved her last night. Did Mary think she was weak for not being open about her feelings? Would it even matter if she had? She knew Lord and Lady Grantham would prefer their eldest daughter to marry again, even if they weren't pushing it just yet. Yet the way Mary had confessed her love for Anna made it seem like she was the only suitor Mary had in mind. Somehow this sense of determined dedication from Mary made Anna feel she had betrayed her mistress by not sharing her true feelings with Mary. If they truly loved each other, they both needed to be open and honest with one another. Anna made up her mind to tell Mary how she really felt when she brought her breakfast in a few hours. With that settled, Anna managed to get another hour of sleep in before waking up to begin her day.
"Good morning, Mary." Anna stated as she entered Mary's room. Her hands were shaking somewhat, but she managed to set down the breakfast tray without spilling anything.
"Good morning, Anna." Mary said and, sensing the maid's nerves, gave Anna a reassuring smile. After a moment of silence, Mary spoke again. "Listen, about what I said last night, I want you to know it's okay if you aren't ready to say anything about it yet. I know I've rather rushed into things, confessing such a thing after only one kiss, but after knowing you for the past thirteen years, I know for sure I'm making the right decision. You are the only one for me. And I hope you feel the same way about me, but I'll wait as long as you need me to while you think everything over. I won't force you to do, or say, anything you're not ready to."
"Thank you, Mary." Anna said and took a deep breath, preparing herself to say what she wanted to say. It was hard for her to be vulnerable like this after the difficult upbringing she had.
Sensing trepidation from Anna's breathing, Mary questioned if she had said the right thing. Or what if she had misread Anna's smile the night before, and she truly wasn't interested. "Of course, if you aren't comfortable being with a woman, I wouldn't fault you for it." she blurted.
"No, m'lady, Mary" she corrected herself. "I feel comfortable with it, if it's with you. I love you too. I'm sorry I didn't say it last night. I was nervous to admit it at first, but I've thought about it a lot this morning and realized that since we love each other, we should be honest with each other, always. So, I'm honestly telling you that I love you too. And I'm comfortable taking the risk of being together because you make it worth it. Our love makes it worth it."
"Thank God," Mary let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "I love you so much, Anna." She leant in and gave her a gentle, languid kiss.
"I love you too."
November 10, 1913
The world was changing from the rigid standards of the 1800s, but not fast enough for them to be open about their love. They had agreed to take things as normal as possible, knowing their love was forbidden and not wanting to test the waters too much. Should anyone in the house get a whiff that their dynamic was anything other than a lady and her maid, they could be in trouble. So far, it seemed no one had noticed anything amiss, meaning they were behaving appropriately outside of Mary's room. Behind closed doors, the pair tried to take things slow, but their love was strong already and growing stronger by the day with each lingering touch and light kiss that would occur while Anna was dressing and undressing her mistress.
Anna was chatting about a local event in the village, trying to be casual, when Mary could no longer hold her tongue. She had a question burning inside her for the woman she loved. Anna's sentence came to a close as she tightened the final string on Mary's corset. Mary saw her opportunity to speak and took it. "Anna," she paused inquisitively. The maid slipped her dress over her, and Mary turned to look sincerely into her eyes. "Would you like it if we were to move out of Downton with Ellie? We can go somewhere and be together, wherever you'd like to go."
"To be honest, m'lady," Anna stopped herself, realizing using her lover's name would be more appropriate to express her true feelings. She cleared her throat and spoke again. "Mary, I would love that, honestly. But how are we supposed to be together without people asking questions? I love my work, don't get me wrong, but if we were to be together…"
"You wouldn't want your sole job to be dressing me because you would want us to be equals." Mary finished her statement. "Am I right?"
"Yes." Anna answered sheepishly. "I'm sorry."
"My darling you have nothing to be sorry for." Mary responded as she took Anna's chin and gently lifted it so their eyes could meet. "I love you, and I don't want you to feel like there is an unfair dynamic between us. I don't want you to be a servant for the rest of your life. I want you to be my wife and a mother to Ellie. I overheard her ask Nanny when 'Anna mummy' was coming to play with her. She already sees you as equal, and so do I." Tears brimmed in Mary's eyes as she confessed her love to Anna. She knelt in front of Anna, took her lover's hand and kissed it before trailing several kisses over Anna's wrist and forearm. "Please become my wife. The law may not recognize our union, but I will." she pleaded and brushed a ring against Anna's palm.
"My heart is fit to burst. Mary, never in my life, would I have thought I would receive such a genuine, heartfelt proposal. Of course I'll be your wife! I love you." Anna proclaimed. With that, Mary slid the gold band over Anna's finger and stood up. She pulled Anna into her and kissed her lips. After they had kissed languidly for a moment, Anna broke away and leaned back to look Mary in the eyes. "There are still some details that need to be sorted out though."
"I know. And we will sort them." Mary assured her. "Tonight after dinner." Mary kissed her fiance's hairline. The thought of being engaged to someone she genuinely loved made her smile bright, and she felt as though her heart would leap out of her chest. "Right, I need to calm myself before I go down. Mama will catch me out, and I'll have no good excuse to give as to why I'm acting like a lovesick fool." she chuckled before taking some deep breaths to calm herself down. She squeezed Anna's hand, thumbing the ring she had placed on her finger moments earlier. "I'm just so happy."
"This is the happiest moment of my life." Anna said. "And don't worry about looking daft in front of your parents. Nothing they could say to you would change the fact that you are sick with love, and over me no less. How marvelous is that?" she pondered happily.
"Perfectly marvelous," Mary said, placing a chaste kiss on her lover's cheek. "Absolutely splendid, really." she smiled. "Now, I best go down. I'll see you after dinner."
"I can't wait," Anna responded, blushing profusely.
After leaving Lady Mary's room, Anna snuck into her room and put her ring onto a chain to wear as a necklace. She tucked the necklace under her shirt collar and went downstairs into the kitchen, where she snuck a biscuit and grabbed a cup of tea. She knew Mary would likely make an excuse to go upstairs as soon as dinner was over, and she needed to grab a quick bite before heading up there while the rest of the servants ate. As she exited the kitchen, she heard Mrs. Hughes's thick Scottish brogue. "Anna, wherever have you been? You're supposed to help Jane and Madge turn the beds down while the family is having dinner. You know this." Anna placed her cup down on the table in the servant's hall while she thought of an excuse to give the housekeeper for shirking her duties.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Hughes. Lady Mary was in quite a state today. Something Miss Ellie did reminded her of Mr. Patrick, and she needed me to stay with her a while longer," she lied. She hated lying to the only person that had ever been like a mother to her, but she couldn't possibly tell her the truth. She wouldn't be able to bear the way the housekeeper's view of her would shift. "I've no doubt she'll retire early tonight as well, so I wanted a quick cuppa before heading up to help the others."
"I'll leave a plate out for you to eat after you've seen her. Now, go and help them."
"No need, Mrs. Hughes. This has tied me over for now, and I've no idea of how long she'll be needing me tonight. I'll grab something for myself if I need to. Thank you, though." she said as Mrs. Hughes just nodded and glared at her. "I best be off." Anna hurried up to help the other maids. She helped them with the remaining rooms and returned downstairs with them. She didn't want to raise any suspicion by waiting for Mary in her room.
She had only been at the table for a few minutes when Lady Mary's bell rang. She excused herself and headed upstairs. "Good evening," she said as she entered the room. "Did you make it through dinner, my lovesick darling?" she teased.
"Yes, I did. Barely." Mary answered. "I think Mama knew something was up, but I excused myself immediately when we got up from the table so she couldn't interrogate me when we got to the drawing room."
"I know what you mean. I received a shakedown from Mrs. Hughes because I was late to fulfill my duties. I should've gone straight from here, but I had to go to my room to do this." She pulled the necklace out from its hiding place on her chest and showed Mary the ring on its chain. "I love it, you know. It's simple but elegant. Oh, I just realized I need to get you one. And I know just the one." her eyes sparkled with delight as she rambled to her fiance.
"Oh Anna, you don't have to do that. Just being with you is enough." Mary assured her. "Besides, people might find it strange if I remained 'unmarried' and wasn't wearing the ring Patrick gave me." Mary turned from Anna and began sliding her dress off in front of the mirror.
"But didn't you say you wanted to move somewhere else? If no one knew us, that wouldn't matter, would it?" Anna asked, sensing tension rise through Mary as she spoke. Anna began untying Mary's corset and looked kindly into her eyes through the mirror. "What is it that's made you change your mind?"
"It's just that I'm not sure it's right for me to take Ellie away from her grandparents and aunties. Thinking back on Sybil's coming out and Edith's wedding made me realize I would hate for my sisters to miss the opportunity to be in their niece's life. I know I said we could go wherever you wanted, and I do want us to do that. But I just feel torn. I'm sorry, Anna." A tear slid down Mary's cheek, as she turned and looked at her.
"Hey, hey. There's nothing to apologize for." Anna said as she wiped the tear from Mary's face and kissed her temple. "You love Downton and you love your family. There's no fault in that." Anna reassured her before slipping Mary's nightgown over her head and crouching down to unbuckle her shoes. "Even I'll admit Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore have become like family to me. It would be hard for me to leave too." She stood up and guided Mary to sit down on the bench at the end of her bed before sitting beside her. She took Mary's hand in hers before she spoke again. "Maybe we could get a house nearby, either on the estate like the Dowager's got or in a neighboring area like Ripon. Would that make you feel better?"
"Yes it would." Mary sniffled and then chuckled, "Goodness no one has ever brought out this sentimental side of me before, Anna."
"Then, I shall consider myself lucky." she replied. "Lucky to know the full extent of Mary Josephine Crawley, in all her beauty and all her pain." She wrapped her arm around Mary's shoulders and pulled her in as she kissed her temple.
"And I am lucky too. Lucky to have the woman I love with all my heart by my side through it all." Mary said and looked at Anna with sparkling brown eyes. "I'll speak to Papa tomorrow about the possibility of acquiring a house on the estate. A great aunt of mine used to stay in a house here when I was a very little girl. It would probably need some repairs as it's been unoccupied for years, but I'll ask him if I can have it and tell him you're the only person I want to bring with me."
"I think he would likely force you to have a butler at the least." Anna stated.
"That may be. I guess I'll have to figure out a way to address that when it comes to it."
"I may have a solution." Anna smiled before explaining further. "There is a footman here who is like us. I mean, he doesn't like women. His name is Thomas. He would never give us away."
"Okay, then it's settled. I'll speak to Papa tomorrow." Mary replied. "Thank you for everything, Anna. You're always so clever and compassionate. I love you."
"I love you too. I'm sorry it took me longer to admit that to you than it did for you to admit your feelings to me."
"That's not what matters. What's important is that we both love each other with equal amounts of passion and fervor and we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. Till death do us part. I promise."
"I promise to love and cherish you forever, Mary." Knowing they still had some time before the rest of the family and their personal servants would be coming upstairs to bed, she made a bold request. "Now, take me to bed." Mary happily obliged, and they had a lovely first time together.
A/N: I know things progress quite quickly here, but since they've known each other for 13 years at this point, I think it's okay for things to get romantic fast. I also think they've both known they had feelings for women for several years, which makes it easier to delve into a relationship than if they were still coming to grips with their sexuality.