Chapter Nine
April 24, 1914
Anna hadn't eaten much since her attack, and she was growing thinner with each passing day, which made Mary worry. She was in the kitchen preparing lunch, something with a lot of protein and vitamins that she knew her wife wouldn't refuse: shepherd's pie. She knew it was a bit hearty for a lunchtime meal in spring, but it was Anna's favorite. Anna walked in with Ellie on her hip and sniffed the air. "Mmm, something smells heavenly."
"I've made one of your favorites, and a little treat too. Sit down, and I'll bring you a plate."
"Who am I to object to that?" Anna laughed and went over to adjust Ellie into her seat and then took a seat for herself. Mary brought over two plates of shepherd's pie first and then gave Ellie a kiddie-sized version of their meal before bringing over glasses of lemonade for them. As much as Anna had loved the smell of the food, once it was in front of her, it seemed a bit more difficult to stomach it. She picked at it slowly, not wanting to seem ungrateful.
"What the matter, darling? I thought this was your favorite." Mary asked with concern evident in her voice. "I know I don't make it quite like you do, but –"
"It's perfect, love." Anna said and reached across the table to give Mary's hand a soft squeeze.
"Then why aren't you eating?"
"I just haven't had much appetite since everything happened. I'm sure it will come back with time." Anna reassured her. "And meals like this are a good way to start. Thank you." She took a more normal-sized bite.
"I know things are hard right now, Anna. But I may have one development that might make things easier." She took a breath and looked lovingly across the table. "Matthew has assured me that Mr. Pamuk will no longer be allowed in the country."
"But how did he manage that?"
"It seems he's written to a minister at the Turkish embassy and said that the man behaved very poorly in his company and made people very uncomfortable. The minister wrote back and assured Matthew that he would no longer be allowed to do any business in our country. It seemed from the way the minister wrote that this may not have been the first complaint against him, and in any case, it was certainly the final straw that led to removing his position. He will have a desk job in Turkey and will not be allowed back into the embassy in London."
"That's quite a weight lifted." Anna breathed a big sigh of relief and took a big bite of food and a long sip of lemonade before speaking. "But Mary, that's not the end of our worries."
"Why ever not? If you mean Matthew, he's assured me that our secret is safe with him."
"No, not that. Although, I'm glad of that." Anna took a deep breath and looked into her wife's eyes, concern evident on her face. "Mary, my courses have stopped. I was supposed to have my cycle three weeks ago, but I haven't."
"Do you think you're…" Mary trailed off, scared to say the words out loud.
"Pregnant, yes I think that's a distinct possibility." Anna said and let out a shaky breath. "Although, I suppose I was never quite regular, but I don't think I've ever missed it altogether like this. I always had some minor spotting at least. But so far, nothing."
"But Anna, he said he didn't, you know, finish." Mary stumbled over those words. "And you haven't been eating like you should. Perhaps the loss of nutrients has caused it to stop."
"I guess that's a possibility. I'll try to eat more and regulate my vitamins, and then we'll see if it comes back." she rationalized before fear took hold again. "But Mary, if I am, what will we do?"
"I will do whatever you want to do. It's your body that has to carry it, so if you want to go through with it, I'll be right by your side. If you want to explore other options, we will do so together."
"I am so lucky to have you, love."
"And I am lucky to have you, darling." Mary responded. Then, she brought over a treat for them both: chocolate cake, Anna's favorite. The pair enjoyed their treat in comfortable silence and then went on with their day, in better spirits than they had been in for a while.
May 15, 1914
Anna was in the bathroom getting ready for the day while Mary was still sleeping. She stared in the mirror as she rinsed the toothpaste from her mouth thinking about what she wanted to wear. She had a pink dress she knew Mary would love. Suddenly, a surge of pain ripped through her abdomen. She clutched one hand around her stomach and gripped on tightly to the counter with the other hand. She breathed through the pain. That was strange, she thought. She looked down preparing to remove her night gown when she saw red dripping down her leg. She sat down on the toilet and felt a pain surge through her again. "Mary," she called. "I need you. Please." Mary awoke and rushed in within a matter of moments.
"What's the matter, my darling?" Mary asked frantically as she saw her wife hunched over on the toilet with her head in her hands, clearly in a lot of pain.
"I..I think I'm miscarrying." She moaned in pain then and put her hand out for Mary to hold.
"Oh my darling, I'm so sorry. Don't worry, I won't leave you. I'll be right here." She gave Anna's hand a squeeze and used her free hand to gently massage Anna's lower back as she sat on the edge of the bathtub and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I'm right here." Mary stayed on the side of the bath massaging her wife's back and humming quietly to calm her for nearly an hour before Anna cried out loudly in pain and squeezed her wife's hand hard.
"I think it's out, Mary. My baby, our baby, is gone." she said as she placed her head on Mary's shoulder and began to weep. Mary stroked Anna's hair and gently patted the top of her back as she cried. After a little while, Anna took a deep breath and looked up at her wife's misty eyes. "I know it was the result of something bad, but now that I know a new life could have been brought into this world and it wasn't, I'm devastated. I'm mad that my body couldn't let me have one of the best gifts ever."
"It's not your fault, Anna. You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay to be upset, but don't blame yourself. Countless women experience miscarriages. It just happens."
"But what if I had believed it was there sooner. And..And told it I loved it. Maybe it would still be in there if I had just been kinder to it, if..if I had told God I loved it." Anna stuttered through tears.
"Darling, don't go through all these what-ifs. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it."
"I did love it, you know. Regardless of the circumstances." Anna confided. "And I wanted to be a mother. My own mother wasn't a very good one, so I guess I wanted a chance to do better."
"I loved it too." Mary said. "But Anna, you are a mother. Ellie looks up to you and depends on you just as much as she does me. I know you wanted the opportunity to carry a child, but I don't want you to think any less of yourself because of what you went through just now. Sometimes these things just happen." Mary sniffled, cupped her wife's face in her hands, and looked into her wife's eyes. "I'm so proud of you. You have gone through unimaginable pain. Don't let it break you, let it make you stronger. I love you."
"I love you too, Mary." Anna sniffled and wiped her tears. "Can you help me up? I think the worst of it is over." Mary gently lifted Anna up to a standing position. She grabbed a clean washcloth from the shelf above the tub, got it wet with warm water from the sink, rung it out, and knelt down in front of Anna.
"May I?" she asked. Anna nodded, and Mary gently washed her legs and privates. She then guided Anna into bed and tucked her in. "I'm going to get us some tea and send Barrow to fetch Sybil. It's nearly nine now, so I guarantee she's already up and about. She can come see you and make sure everything has passed."
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Mary?"
"Sybil is nearly finished with her training as a nurse, and she's been assisting midwives a lot lately. She is determined to be prepared should a war break out. And she can certainly keep a secret. She won't tell anyone about us. Even if she told my parents I was in love with a woman, that's a risk I'm willing to take to ensure your health. In sickness and in health, remember."
"As long as you're sure." Anna said.
"I'm quite sure, my love." Mary insisted with a tender smile. "You would do the same thing for me, I know it."
"You've got me there." she admitted.
"Try to rest while I fetch the tea. I'll be back soon, my darling." Mary said softly before pressing a kiss to Anna's hairline and walking out of the room.
Sybil knocked on the door nearly an hour later. Mary opened it and felt some of her anxieties wash away. "Thank goodness you're here, Sybil. Anna's in a frightful amount of pain."
"Whatever's the matter? And why haven't you gone to Doctor Clarkson? I'm still not fully trained." Sybil enquired.
"I'll tell you, but you have to promise to keep all this a secret."
"I promise. Now, Mary, what is it?" she asked as she tied her nursing cap around her head.
"Anna was raped about two months ago, and now it seems she's had a miscarriage. Come up to our room. She's hurting a lot, but tea has seemed to help a little bit." Mary said, not seeming to notice the way her choice of wording may have given up her secret love of Anna. Sybil followed her upstairs, having noticed but choosing not to say anything just yet. Mary opened the door and rushed straight over to Anna's side, taking hold of her hand instantly. "Anna, darling, Sybil's here. She's going to take good care of you." Sybil noticed the room contained two sets of drawers, but decided to focus on the task at hand before addressing it.
"Okay Anna, I'm just going to press lightly on your stomach to make sure your body has expelled everything. It might hurt, but I have to do it." Sybil prepared her.
"That's fine." Anna said. She winced slightly as Sybil did so but found comfort staring into Mary's brown eyes and holding her hand. "I love you" Anna mouthed. Mary reciprocated the gesture.
"Okay I think everything is gone, and you don't seem to have lost too much blood. If you start running a fever or lose a lot of blood rapidly, go to the hospital. But otherwise just rest for a while and take this for the pain. No aspirin; it can cause blood clotting." Sybil explained, handing Mary a bottle of painkillers.
"Okay. I'll look after her. Thank you for coming, Sybil. You're a great sister and confidant."
"If I'm such a great confidant, how come you two didn't tell me you're together? I'm not mad, and I promise not to tell anyone. I'm just wondering why you didn't trust me to know the truth."
"It's not that we didn't trust you. It's just that the less people who know, the safer it is for us. If this information got into the wrong hands, we could be in a lot of danger. And we want to be around to raise Ellie until she's fully grown." Mary explained. Anna whimpered at hearing mention of their daughter so soon after losing their second child. Mary ran a soothing hand down her back.
"I understand." Sybil said. "I promise my lips are sealed. Now, do you two need anything else?"
"Is there any way to find out some information about our baby? Like what sex it was?" Anna asked in a hoarse voice.
"I'm afraid it's too early to know. But I've heard couples who lose a baby can find solace in giving it a name. Maybe you could choose a name that works for both sexes." Sybil suggested.
"Carter," Anna said as she sat up in bed. "I always liked that name."
"Carter it is then," Mary said softly. "Shall we give Carter a proper goodbye, love?" Anna nodded and rose from the bed, taking Mary's hand in the process. The three women made their way into the bathroom. Mary spoke first, "I pray for the safe descent of Carter Smith Crawley to the Heavens. Please watch over our baby, Lord, and bless Anna with healing."
"And please shield the minds and hearts of these beloved mothers, Mary and Anna, from gloom, Lord. Reassure them that their suffering is just one small part of Your plan." Sybil added.
"My baby, mummy loves you so much. I'm sorry I couldn't bring you into this world properly, but I want you to know how very loved you were and still are. My precious Carter." Anna sobbed.
"Mama loves you too, sweetheart." Mary added. "Watch over our baby, Lord. Amen." They said the rest of their goodbyes silently as they sobbed and hugged each other while Sybil cleaned up the site of the miscarriage. Once they had cried all the tears they had energy to cry, Mary kissed her wife's cheek and looked at her lovingly. "Let's get you back to bed, darling. I'll make us some toast and eggs, something light for your stomach." Mary gently tucked Anna into bed and kissed her forehead. She was about to walk Sybil out when she heard Anna speak.
"Wait, Mary." Mary turned around and saw the way Anna's eyes sparkled over at her. "Thanks for choosing Smith for the baby's middle name."
"There was no other right middle name, darling." Mary assured her. "You're such an important part of our children's lives, both here on Earth and in Heaven." Mary let her words linger in the air for a moment before walking Sybil out and going to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.
Mary brought some food to Ellie's room, who had been quietly entertaining herself as she did most mornings. Mary fed her two-and-a-half year old and informed her that mummy Anna was not feeling well today. She tucked her daughter in for a nap and then went to her room to bring Anna some sustenance. "Here we are, darling." Anna sat up as her wife entered their room and set the tray of food and tea down on the bed. Mary sat in a chair that she had pulled over to the side of the bed earlier that morning.
"Thank you," Anna said, "for calling on your sister to help me and for staying by my side through it all." Tears were brimming in her eyes as she looked over at Mary with deep sincerity. "I don't know what I would have done without you."
"I'll always be here for you. I love you. So much." Mary wiped the tears that were quietly spilling over Anna's cheeks before wiping her own. "You were my first real love. Romantic love, that is."
"Ellie will always be your first love. But I'm glad I was your first romantic love. You were my first love too." Anna replied as she took a small nibble of toast. "And our love is deep and strong."
"I always loved you Anna, really. I remember being around 10, and you were still quite new to the house. Nanny was sick and you had to get us ready for tea. You came in and introduced yourself with the sweetest, softest voice I ever heard. And all I could think was 'wow, how lucky am I that this gorgeous girl is going to take care of me.' And you still take care of me, all the time. Now it's my turn to take care of you."
"I hardly believe you've loved me since you were 10 years old." uttered Anna in quiet sarcasm.
"I did." Mary insisted. "It was in a friendly, innocent way at first, of course. But it developed as I was in my late teens and grew into a deeply passionate love when we got closer after Patrick's death." she explained and watched a smile spread across Anna's face. It was the first time she had seen her genuinely smile since the rape. "When did you first love me?" she asked her wife, as she reached out and squeezed Anna's hand.
"Well not as early as you did, I'm afraid. I did view us as friends from fairly early on, but I think the first time I felt my stomach flutter was when you were dressed in that gorgeous teal sparkly dress for Edith's coming out ball. You were engaged to Mr. Patrick already, and I felt ashamed of feeling those kinds of feelings for you, or any woman for that matter, but especially for you because your father is my employer and you were only 19 at the time."
"I was an adult and engaged to a 22-year old. You were 23. There's nothing to be ashamed of." Mary assured her wife, "You know that right? You've nothing to be ashamed of."
"I know that now." Anna assured her. "But I felt, and still do feel at times, that God disapproved of me for liking people of the same sex. I tried walking out with a footman from Downton when I was around 17, but I just didn't feel anything for him, not in that way. I know now that I deserve to love and to be loved, and I hope and pray that God feels the same."
"I'm sure He does." Mary said as she rose and reached up to her wife's forehead and gently caressed it with the back of her hand. "Now eat and get some rest, my love," she said as she laid a kiss onto her wife's hairline and stroked her cheek with her palm.
"Stay with me." Anna pleaded as she laid down onto the pillow.
"Darling, I wasn't planning on going anywhere." Mary assured her softly as she sat back into the chair at her wife's bedside and reached out to hold Anna's hand while she drifted off to sleep.
A/N: I know Carter is likely not a name that existed or was popular in the 1910s, but it's one of my personal favorite names. So, I just went for it. Thanks to the one reviewer I've had so far, and I hope you liked these last four chapters. I will gradually post the rest of the story in the next few weeks as I edit it and get the courage to post it. Thanks for reading!