Chapter 33: Library Romance
Cressida and Sirius don't exactly make up with one another officially. The few days after the event are filled with awkward silences and glares but eventually is cripples away with the exhaustion of trying to remain stony and hard. That doesn't assume to mean that they are on the best of terms, however.
She had been prodded by both James and Remus, and even questioned by Peter on the topic but both had kept their mouths shut. At least she can thank him for that.
"What are you working on?"
Cressida looks over the brim of her oversized textbook. James is quietly reading to himself, or was, as the book now lays in his lap abandoned. "I'm just reading about Hippogriffs. We have a chapter coming up on them and I thought I'd try and get ahead of one class since I'm behind in everything else."
"You're not behind on Transfiguration, are you?" he queries. The library is filled with all sorts of students at this time of day. The tables were already filled by the time they got there so they've taken two single cushioned chairs opposite one another.
Unable to stand the idea of telling him the truth, Cressida says, "No. That and Charms are easy going at the moment. How's Divination?" Her lying face has improved substantially after days practising in the mirror. She's completely behind in Transfiguration, almost just as much as she is in Potions. But that isn't James' fault. There's just so much going on that Cressida can't bring herself to study in all her free time. Even the thought of it drives her insane.
James sighs longingly to her inquiry. "It's a load of crock, Cress. Both Pete and I did the homework together, came up with similar answers yet he manages to get an almost perfect grade and I scrape a pass."
Cressida smiles slyly, sitting further into the leather of the chair. "Maybe if you didn't bullshit it," she suggests slowly, her foot rising to tilt the book in his lap upwards to reveal the cover, "and stopped reading Quidditch through the Ages, maybe you'd get a good grade. And haven't you read that a thousand times over?"
James narrows his eyes mockingly, snatching the book away from her shoe so her foot lands on his knee instead. "Respect the book, Hawthorne."
Cressida scoffs, leaning against the back of the chair, each arm running down the curve sides. "You sound like Remus," she points out dryly. "And maybe if you start acting like him, you'll stop bludging your assignments and start doing them properly."
His hands raise in dramatic questioning as he straightens. "And where's the fun in that then? Besides, it's the only class that I even need to improve on and I'm not taking it next year so what's the point?"
Cressida doesn't want to admit aloud that he has a point, so her mouth stays tightly sealed, going back to her book with her foot still perched on his knee. She figures after a while that it would bother him and entirely expects her foot to be shoved away after a few minutes. But after fifteen pass and nothing has happened, she peeks over the top of her book. James couldn't look more enthralled by the words on his own book with his chin resting in his palm, the skin around his mouth wrinkling slightly. Before he can feel her eyes, Cressida focuses her attention back on the pages in front of her.
Then after a few more minutes, she feels him shifting slightly. Having been anticipating movement, the book falls forward onto her chest, openly searching for the disturbance that would drag him away from such an important book. His eyes are pinned somewhere over her shoulder and before Cressida can even glimpse in the direction, she can read what his eyes say.
Nevertheless, Cressida swallows thicky and glances behind her, smiling softly as Lily meanders past them with a small pile of books tucked to her chest. Her red hair almost merges with the maroon knitted jumper she wears, juxtaposing her glowing skin. Cressida looks down at her own attire, feeling disdain at the simple shirt that she always wears with the fake collar buttons.
James' eyes stay on Lily as she passes by, the latter not even glancing in their direction other than tweaking her lips in response to Cressida's own smile of greeting. And they stay on her long after she passes them, trailing off to another table they can see with a few Ravenclaws and other Gryffindor girls.
Cressida watches James as he watches her. Then she snatches her foot back. It feels like an act of possession or claiming. It isn't her place to do so, and she's sure James' hadn't appreciated it while Lily was so close. "She had your book, you know," she murmurs, rolling her tongue over dry lips. James stares at her, latching onto every word. "The one you gave her for Christmas," she adds for clarification.
His eyes widen slightly. "Does she?" He spins in his chair, nearly stretching over the side to spy on the group of girls closer. His eyes squint behind their frames, latching onto the small pile of books the redhead has just placed on the table. "She does," he realises. He sinks back into his chair with a profound expression. "She does," he repeats slower.
A soft smile reaches her lips, and not one that she has to force. Just a true and honest smile that comes when you see someone so adoring of a simple action. No matter how much it pains her heart to see. Bittersweet. "You should ask her if she likes it," Cressida suggests as nonchalantly as she can manage. "It'll make you seem interested in conversation and she might open up if she does. People like talking about things they like."
James nods feverishly, running his fingers in a pinching motion over his jaw. "You think? Should I go ask her now?"
Cressida nearly leaps from her seat, gasping sharply. "No," she hisses. James sits further down in his seat even though he hadn't even begun to get out of it. "Not when she just sat down with her friends, or whoever they are to her." Compelling herself to relax, she sits back down in her own chair, straightening the book in her lap. "Get her on the way out or something, like you're crossing paths and not waiting for her like a stalker or something."
James nods again as he continues to take in her every word. "That makes sense," he mutters to himself. "You never used to give me any advice. What's changed?"
Cressida feels her insides stiffen slightly. She hadn't thought about how she wouldn't have bothered with helping him in the past. For the most part, she's been a bystander, letting the entertainment role in as Sirius would be his main wingman. But now she has an actual need for Lily to reciprocate his feelings. To help her get over her own. Nothing like the ultimate heartbreak to get over someone.
"I just… understand how much you like her now." To end the conversation, Cressida drags her knees closer and tucks her head down and puts her attention back in the book.
"Did you not believe me before?" he questions with a tint of mirth. Cressida peers up from her book, but not enough to show her full engagement in the conversation.
"I did," she replies quietly, turning the page to further show she'd rather have her attention elsewhere. "But I just couldn't fathom why you would go after her continuously."
James smirks in memory of something, leaning further into his chair. He kicks his feet up, crossing his ankles and resting them on her own chair's arm. "You don't like chasing," he recalls her own words.
"No," she agrees, blinking down at the book. Turn the page.
"Why not? It's a thrill, isn't it? Just waiting for the day they'll say yes. Or whatever it is you're chasing."
Without hesitating her answer, Cressida looks back up, staring blankly at James. "Because that yes may never come. Whatever I chase after might never slow down enough for me to catch up. I'd rather not enter a race I'm not confident I have a chance in."
James peers sceptically at her. His lips purse and he points a finger at her. "But what if there is a chance?" he deliberates in a philosophical manner. "There's always a chance." Unable, or perhaps unbothered to, Cressida doesn't let him press her with his prodding, figuring that he's just trying to waste time instead of studying. And she can't blame him since by now she's on the next chapter which is Flubberworms. "You're upset."
That draws her eyes off the title which she's read three times over. "What?"
"Is it about whatever happened with Sirius?" he prods. He folds his book back close, tossing it on his bag and leans forward on his knees. "Marlene told me to piss off when I asked her."
Cressida chuckles quietly. "Good," she smiles. Marlene is, and always has been one of the most beautiful souls to exist and she really wishes she'd been calling Marlene a friend for a lot longer.
James sighs in mild frustration. "Sirius was asking you to let him help, which makes it clear that you have something going on," he says slowly, eyes clearly trying to read her. But she doesn't let anything show. "I'm not going to force you to accept help. From me or Sirius or anyone, but I also want to be there for you in any way I can be. And I need you to tell me what it is so I know how I can do that for you."
Cressida smiles meekly, touched by the sincerity in his offer, but bitterly amused by his naivety of what he's saying. Closing her own book, she matches his forward lean. "James, I can assure you that there's nothing you need to do. It's quite honestly nothing and Sirius was overplaying it because he likes to be involved in everyone's drama."
He breathes sharply through his nose. "Doesn't he?" he agrees. "You'll tell me though, right? If you do need help or even just someone to listen to."
Cressida tips her head to the side slightly. "If I need someone to listen to me, I'm going to Remus," she drawls.
James lets out a scoff that turns into a laugh. "You underestimate me," he grins, shaking his head in disbelief.
Cressida only smiles to the air, but her eyes drift away from his handsome face and onto a blur of red. Lily is wandering the aisle nearby. Alone. She glances back at James, but he's already caught on, looking between Lily and her. Cressida nods softly, gesturing with her eyes. Talk to her, she says with them. James flashes her a brief wolfish-grin, nearly darting from his seat but slows as he begins to approach her.
Lily double-takes James as he approaches, an expression of exhaustion already appearing. But James keeps himself calm, nodding with his head towards her pile of books back in her arms. Lily frowns slightly, graceful fingers drifting over the spine of one in particular. She answers something to James.
You know the saying, something about a car crash so terrible that you can't look away? Well, Cressida can. She can't even bring herself to watch it happen. In a fluid sequence of motions, her book bag is back on her shoulder and the shades of black and red hair at the corner of her eye are replaced by lines of books. Her Care of Magical Creatures textbook is left behind for either James or the librarian to put back.
The library is long behind her in just a few minutes, set in a quick pace that could take her all the way down to the Black Lake in just a few minutes if necessary. She only stops once to ask another student where she could find someone, and they point out to one of the courtyards where Gobstones are usually played. He's active in the illegal betting scheme being run by seventh years.
Her chest burns more and more with each shudder it takes, the wind stinging against her eyes. People around her are a blur of leaves in a forest, but her target stands out like coal against snow.
He doesn't see her coming at first, conversing quietly with someone as they watch the marble game be played out. But he glances up just as she crosses the courtyard, his grin broadening on instinct, but it simmers as quickly as it rose. Sirius glances around him, almost counting the audience before he gestures to the outdoor corridor with his head which is hidden behind shadow and archways.
Cressida manoeuvres her steps slightly, curving around a group of first years and marches through one of the arched entrances. The corridor is desolate except for the one person she wants right now. He's striding towards her, brows furrowed but it's like he already has a sense of what is wrong.
She collides with his chest, her bag dropping to the floor without care. Her embrace is returned immediately; his long arms settling around her with the tightness she's sought after. Her fingers furl around his jacket, head bowed and hidden.
Sirius sways slightly, not saying anything. Because he doesn't need to. He already knows and Cressida can't be bothered to figure out how. She doesn't care. To her, it just means one more person who can look at her and understand.
She lets out a shuddered breath but does not dare cry, laughing pathetically at herself as his cheek rests on the top of her head.