Chapter 21 – Time to Think II

AN: Muse in an interesting thing. Sometimes you get a story in your head and just can't get on with any other writing until that one is told. I apologise for my lack of posting this last week. A Star Trek: Voyager idea popped into my mind and I just couldn't concentrate on Darcy's reaction until Tom Paris and Kathryn Janeway told their tale. That 12K word muse now satisfied, Darcy is finally talking to me. I hope to give you a few extra chapters this week, but no promises. The artistic process is a strange one!

It seems several of you wanted Darcy's thoughts as he returned to Rosings from the 'sense of obligation' proposal. Well, it looks as if you'll get your wish. Please be warned, this is a short chapter as I've found it very difficult to write. We go back to Rosings, and the final tea (aka the original manuscript) after this, which may need a lot of editing thanks to these new chapters. Thank you to those who took the time to point out any errors. I appreciate them more than you can imagine. At some point, I hope to publish, and finish my other stories in order to publish them as well. The intention is to turn my muse to Lady Elizabeth next. We'll see what comes after that.

Forcing the polite words from his mouth, Darcy would never recall leaving the parsonage. His mind awhirl, he lent on propriety to remove himself from the presence of his, what, betrothed. Where they engaged or would Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley, the grandson of an Earl, need to ask the lady for her hand again in six weeks, once they came to know each other better? Anger seethed within him for he knew his wishes would not change. They warred with astonishment and hope as Elizabeth had not completely declined his offer. Darcy had been taught not to show his emotions, to fall back on the ridged politeness society demanded in cases such as these.

At least in this, Darcy berated himself, my father has taught me well. As a boy, I was given good principals, taught right from wrong.

But have you followed those lessons in mind and spirit, that little voice in his head argued. This was not a new experience for Darcy. Often his intellect debated with itself when attempting to see all sides of an issue. Or have you added conceit and pride, seeing the world though eyes as prejudices as Elizabeth's.

I knew Elizabeth's opinion of me, Darcy sighed as he strode down the walk and into the lane. Even at Netherfield, her disdain was obvious. I did not know what she held against me, how her opinion was formed. Have I not worked, these last weeks, to improve my disposition in her eyes, to show Elizabeth the character beneath the socially acceptable exterior we all ware in company?

With a dozen hours, many spent silently at her side, you call this coming to know a woman, courting her? You wonder why the young lady is obliged but not enthusiastic to have gained the attentions of such man? Well, now you how Elizabeth's opinion of you was formed. Should Georgiana have been the object of such ire when a gentleman was first introduced to Meryton society, you would not have been pleased. Surely this demonstrates how meanly you think of all the world outside your immediate family.

"I would not have been pleased," Darcy spoke the words with a growl, swiping at a rock that dared to get in this way. "I should have called the gentleman out, for he is not worthy to be in the same room as a lady with such a lack of manners."

Was the behaviour of the Bennet's, or indeed any in Hertfordshire worse than your error in judgement? Especially on a night filled with hope and expectation for so many young ladies, a night in which you entered into society unknown, a night on which first impressions were made.

Groaning, Darcy thought back on his behaviour. Already not disposed to be pleased, his temper had proved in short supply. Firstly, Miss Bingley hinted that should he remain at Netherfield, as Mistress, it would be her duty to decline the amusement and stay as company for their guest while the remainder of the party attended the local assembly. Then, Mrs. Bennet, along with every other mother, aunt or guardian of a young lady out in society spoke of Mr. Darcy's wealth and connection, seemingly at the top of their voices. His ill humour deteriorated rapidly into disinterest and vehemence.

Darcy berated himself, if that were a ball room in London, would the ladies have behaved any better? They may have hidden their words behind their fans, he knew, but pushed their daughter in his direction anyway.

How should I have acted, Darcy asked, finally looking upon his actions through rational eyes. He did not like the answer, for he would not have acquitted himself well in the eyes of many. While he may not care for society, there was still the Darcy name to consider and a level of politeness that must be demonstrated.

"I see now," Darcy's pace slowed as he started to take apart his association with Elizabeth from the very beginning of their acquaintance. "I made a very bad start, for both Bingley and Elizabeth. My manners were not all they should have been. Bingley requested my aid to establish his reputation. I may have assisted his education in estate management, but achieved little else while staying at Netherfield. In this regard, perhaps Bingley is yet too young to be master of his own estate!"

You were no older.

I was brought up to be the Master of Pemberley from my cradle. That I was thrust into management of the estates was given, it was the events leading up to taking over that where devastating. To have lost both a mother and father by three and twenty should not be born, by anyone.

And yet, to this you add many other prospects as you increase the wealth and consequence of Pemberley and the Darcy family. With it comes much responsibility. Did not Elizabeth comment on such, how you care for the wellbeing of many under your influence.

It is a duty I have been born too! Darcy's mind raged.

A duty carried out, but in real spirit of humility, or mealy for the impression of such?

Darcy stopped, in the middle of a step. His entire world moved, tilted on its axis. Several words that should not be in a gentleman's vocabulary issued from his mouth.

"I have been properly humbled," he muttered, irritated with himself. "From the first, I have been attracted to Elizabeth, for her wit, her ease in society. That was when I first knew her. She does not covert my wealth or connections. She is unlike any other lady of my acquaintance. I came with my addresses, expecting this woman I profess to love to act as others would in her situation. Yet, I find myself disappointed when she acts in an unexpected manner. Is this not exactly what I wish in a wife? A woman to challenge my inability to play to strangers? To aid my way in society? To care for Fitzwilliam, not the Darcy name and wealth?"

Sighing, Darcy wondered how he would keep this secret, especially from his family who only wished for his happiness and knew of his attachment. For a man who despised deceit in any form, these next six weeks would prove difficult. Betrothed to the woman he loved, Darcy wished to express his joy. Snorting, he did not feel joy at this moment. Hope, yes, anger also, confusion without a doubt.

Happiness, Darcy realised, is within my grasp. I have made progress as Elizabeth takes my likeness. Now, I must continue to be the kind of man she wishes to pay her court. I will not settle for anything less that felicity and respect, to do so, as my betrothed suggested, would not be fair or equable to either of us. Still, remaining silent in this matter goes against my better judgement. It is this which destresses me.

Glancing up at the window to one side of Rosings imposing entry, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy knew his vow was to be tested. Richard Fitzwilliam stood, watching out of his office window. Undoubtedly, Darcy fumed quietly, my cousin will wish to know my success. What am I to tell him without braking Elizabeth's confidence?