Chapter 22: Tuesday Hangover

Tuesday morning, Cressida knows that she has to get over herself. Drowning the potion on her bedside, she uses that as an excuse as to why she feels better suddenly. She feels anything but better – but she can't afford to miss another day off school.

Her two-way diary sits next to the now empty vial and Cressida is sure there's something written inside but she couldn't bring herself to open it and find out. What would she want to hear from James that would make her feel better?

Hardly looking her best, and already running late, Cressida slowly makes her way down the Tower's stairs and into the near-empty Common Room. All the students are already at breakfast except for the few early risers who are already back.

But among them is Remus, waiting diligently near the hearth. He isn't waiting for her, evident by his eyes trained on the boys' stairs, but he perks up upon spotting her. "Cress?" he calls, sauntering towards her. "Are you okay?"

Cressida nods feebly, offering a meek smile. "Yeah," she mumbles. "Just had a stomach bug. But I'm sick of the shitty food that Marlene brings me." She lapses into a small chuckle as Remus nods his head with a similar laugh. "Who are you waiting for?"

"Peter," he sighs. "We got down to the Hall before he realised he forgot his wand."

"Of course he did," Cressida chirps with a proper laugh this time. "How much work have I missed?"

"Uh, not a lot actually. We've been writing down notes for you and most of the teachers waivered homework when Lily was the one to tell them you were sick. Wouldn't believe us." Cressida nods in thanks, mouthing the words.

Peter comes down from their dorm shortly after, his eyes brightening at the realisation of her presence as well and she quickly passes off her excuse. Remus takes the lead in their venture back to the Great Hall, leaving Peter and Cressida to keep up with his long legs.

Peter leans close to her ear. "Don't listen to stupid things people are saying. We've just been ignoring them but you should know that they're about-"

"It's fine," Cressida smiles at him. "I already know. Lily told me."

Peter nods slowly. He's an oddly handsome boy, especially when he's not standing next to the strikingly attractive James or Sirius. Much like Remus, he has this scrawny, but endearing quality about him. "James told me what actually happened," he adds quietly. "Is that why…?"

Cressida doesn't know how to answer him. Sick of spinning more lies, she nods, eyeing off Remus who is non-the-wiser to their conversation. "I just… didn't know what to do."

"Remus knows too," Peter says, "but he hasn't told Sirius."

Cressida hums, not having any words to say. Of course he's not telling Sirius when they're under the impression that she has feelings for him and vice versa. Merlin's beard this is getting out of hand. She wishes she could just take back that one moment where she first lied to the girls. She could have just denied everything and nothing would have changed.

"What does he think of the rumours?"

"Sirius has detention for hexing some Ravenclaw that thought it was funny to joke about it outside Potions yesterday," Peter recalls formatively.

"I actually meant James," says Cressida.

"Oh." Peter tips his head to the side. "He doesn't like them of course. None of us do, but he's keeping quieter than Sirius about it." He leans close to her ear again, hands shoved in his pockets. "Between you and me, I think he's scared that he's ruined his friendship between the three of you."

Cressida hums in acknowledgement. At least he hasn't ruined anything between him and Sirius, despite his fears. But to completely assure him of that, she's going to have to figure out a way to end the lie she created disastrously. But her and James – she doesn't know how that's going to go, but she's very close to finding out as the Great Hall appears in front of them.

James and Sirius aren't hard to find among the Gryffindors. There dark hair and tall figures standing out with the empty spaces around them that are known not to be filled by other students.

Filling her own mind with faux confidence and ease, Cressida doesn't hesitate as they approach. Sirius is the first to note her presence, being on the opposite side. "Finally crawling out of bed, I see. Got a bit of bedhead there." He gestures to his own head in a not-so-subtle hint.

Cressida perks her cheeks in a mocking smile. "Thanks, I took inspiration from yours." His face falls flat, but it's not his expression that she wants to read. Taking the leap of faith, she sits down on James' right, Peter sitting on her right. With as much nonchalance and normalcy as she can conjure, Cressida grabs a plate and begins buttering a slice of toast. "Morning," she greets James.

"Ah, good morning," he greets back with a small, but bright smile. They're alright. She just needs to make sure he knows that. "Feeling better?"

Cressida nods easily. "I am." She bites into the toast, glancing around the table. Remus and Sirius are talking about something to do with his detention and Peter is occupied with making a bowl of porridge. Placing her half-eaten toast back on the plate, she wipes her hands on her thighs. "I'm… sorry about the rumours going around. It's not fair, certainly not on you."

James' lips part slightly, his eyes blinking in rapid concession, but his lips stay in an awkward, but honest upwards tug. "Uh, actually, I was more worried about you." He does the same thing as her, placing his own toast back on the plate and dusting off his hands. "I really don't care what they say about me, but I really don't want to hear that stuff said about you." He gives off a chesty chuckle that is more sad than anything else. "I suppose it's good you were sick so you didn't have to hear the worst of it. I think Sirius has managed to dampen it down considerably."

Cressida nods in agreement. "We have the same way of thinking then because I don't care what they say about me, but, I just really don't want you to have to hear those things. It's disgusting."

James slowly nods. "Are… are we okay?" he asks quietly. "We don't have to talk about it, but I just want to know what you're feeling right now."

"Hungry," Cressida replies with a kind smile, biting back into her toast. "We can talk about it if you want. Maybe not now but tonight if that would make you feel better. But I'm alright to just move on."

The words come so easily, despite having felt the exact opposite for two and half days. This is what she's good at. The pretend. Pressing down on everything in order to make their lives easier.

James swallows, his eyes pointed towards the table. "Maybe it's best if Sirius is there as well. He doesn't know what happened."

"You don't need to worry about Sirius," she breathes out. Noting the disbelief on his face, she shuffles slightly closer to his side, tipping her head closer to her shoulder in thought. "James, it was what? A five second kiss? If anything, he'd be glad that it isn't the rumours going around. Sirius and I aren't even together."

A small twist of lies and truth. Cressida is almost failing to believe how easily she can do so.

"You just tell him the truth," she continues. "You've been upset about Lily. More than usual. Trust me, we all know that it's Lily that you love." May as well have pricked herself with a rapier. Letting out a small laugh, she adds more for her own sake, "If a kiss was enough to ruin a friendship, then I wouldn't be friends with Sirius or Elias. I'm capable of handling a few miss-turns."

A flicker of relief cascades over his face. "Thank you. It won't happen again."

"Merlin, James. Don't have to sound like you are apologising for something terrible," she goads, knocking his shoulder. "You weren't even that bad."

It takes a moment, but he grins down to his plate, shaking his head with red-tinted cheeks. "Good to hear, because that was the first time I've done that."

Cressida's cheeks drop and a heavy weight of guilt pulls her stomach back down. To brush off that rearising feeling, she whispers, "Well my only piece of critique would be to kiss the right girl next time. Otherwise it was perfect."

James pinches his brows, still staring at his food but finally nods with a fleeting glance her way that shows her a slither of amusement.

Xx

Cressida had to tell Sirius everything. She wanted to wait until the end of the day so they could properly sit down and talk, but through their shared free period, she drags him into an empty classroom.

Sirius stands in the middle as Cressida paces back and forth, a hand pressing against her forehead. "I-I feel like I just keep creating a bigger hole." Her voice is breathless, eyes glazed over and shoes wearing tracks into the floor. "We kissed, Sirius. Well, he kissed me but at the same time I don't even know if I should consider it one. And now I feel worse because it was his first and he feels guilty too because he thinks that you have feelings for me and he's getting between us. And he wants to talk this afternoon to both of us about it. And-"

Sirius steps forward, grasping her shoulders firmly to shake her from the cramped rail tracks of her mind that have no conductors and too many trains. "Merlin, Bear-" a stupid nickname she's tried to talk them out of using, "-slow down so I can understand what you're saying."

Her clenched fists raise between them. "Sirius. I am good at pretending. I am good at keeping my feelings shut down from him. I know how to do it, but when he goes and does stuff like this – it messes me up and I can't handle it."

"So he kissed you," Sirius restates her earlier ramblings. "Is this not a good thing!?"

"Not when he's confessed loving Evans to me just weeks ago!" The sting of her nose and eyes returns – a feeling she now loathes more than anything. Sirius doesn't respond, only pinching his brows slightly with a pitying expression. "I can't keep a web of lies going," she whispers to him, arms sinking back down by her sides. "I feel like I'm going to mess up everything at any point if I say something off. It all seems so stupid and childish. I just want to wipe the past year away so I can go back to thinking that it's a tiny crush that will go away in a few weeks."

The large hands on her arms push her backwards into a desk, forcing her to sit on the small slab of wood. "Cressida," Sirius draws out slowly, his hands moving from her arms to either side of her face. He bends down slightly to her now shortened height. "What do you want right now?"

"I just…I…" Cressida chews her cheek. She said what she wants but it's unreasonable and impossible. "I want to make everything simple again. I don't want to tell different stories to different people."

"But you don't want to tell James how you feel," he adds.

Cressida nods. "That's my secret. I don't need anybody to carry it for me. How I feel isn't complicated, o-or a tangle of lies. It's just there. If I can just isolate that as one thing, then I can handle it."

Sirius exhales slowly, his hands slipping back down to the sides of her shoulders, rubbing up and down. "I think I have an idea. It'll cover your lie, most likely fix any worries that James has and put everything back to what it was before. For the most part."

Her shoulders slump slightly. "What are you thinking?"

"I…" He shrugs, pressing his lips tight together before spilling the rest in one breath. "Tell them about me. Everything."