Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Twenty-One:

As arranged I was in the car at ten being driven home by Phil. Dylan and I didn't want to push our luck especially as Kelly had been the only phone call we had received, and in case Brandon's shift at The Pit finished earlier than the expected ten-thirty. The plan was for me to be in my bed at Casa Walsh reading when Brandon got home. I had already showered after our swim leading to Dylan being frustrated that unlike him I couldn't get into my pyjamas, instead I had redressed and my husband in a singlet and pyjama pants had walked me out our front door to the town car Phil was driving.

Getting to the door of the car he had leaned down placed his forehead on mine and quietly spoken, "I needed this time with you so much. The talking, the sharing a meal, the swimming, the showering, I just needed to be by your side-"

"Well it's yours and yours alone to have." He smiles remembering the bridge and me deciding on which pocket to take, he asked to be by my side for prom, dancing, all of it; regardless of if it was one pocket or two my side was his. "I needed it too. I needed it so much. I miss holding your hand and talking to you openly. I hate having to be on guard around each other, careful of what we say. I understand the need but-"

"It's hurting our balance." I nod, I like that he understands what I'm trying to say. "Do you feel our balance has been restored tonight?"

"You know I do. Just chatting at dinner with you made me feel more myself than I have felt it over a week." I touch his cheek, being around him without guards up just made me feel whole. I could see in his eyes he feels the same way.

"Mrs McKay we have to figure out how to do this better. I doubt we will be lucky enough to have another night like this next week or the week after. I imagine whatever fundraiser idea they've come up with tonight won't be planned through evening dinners at the Carson's. I don't like either of us feeling off balance, bad things tend to happen when we lose our equilibrium."

"I know. I make rash decisions-" breaking up with him and running away from home flash through my mind but before I can articulate those moments my husband interrupts.

"And I get moody and shut down. We aren't going to do that this time or ever again, we are different now, not only because of our relationship status our commitment but because we know each other better now than ever before. We know every hidden truth, every detail. Between our phone calls and letters we have made ourselves transparent."

"I don't want to lose that." In Paris I had never felt closer to another human being; being away from him was making me feel like I could lose that, even a smidge to lose would be too much. "I know we can gain it back if we did, we are forever I know that but I don't want even a hint of a shadow blocking my view of you. I like the view too much."

"I know Mrs McKay I've felt your eyes on me a lot this evening, especially in the pool."

"Well your arms are changing, the muscles are getting bigger, it must be all your time on the water this summer. I felt they needed a closer examination."

He gives me an indulgent amused look, "okay let's pretend that that was your only reason Nym, and it was only my arms that had such a close inspection by my wife's eyes, not that I'm complaining I'm yours and yours alone to look at."

"Tell that to your fan club."

He moves the hands that have been on my hips to my lower back and pushes me slightly towards him. There is now not even a pocket of air between us. "I don't see them or anyone else, I don't see anything except the calendar that I'm crossing off daily in my locker. The one that means my ring can stop burning into my skin on my chest in annoyance that it's not where it's supposed to be. Baby, Mrs D McKay, you are my wife that is not ever changing I'm not going to do anything to risk it. My Dad I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time now, like I'm finally seeing him. He's vulnerable and worries about his place here in the wealth of LA, and it's not because of his jail time. He's like that degree they gave him, he feels like an imposter a fake. I never saw that growing up, I never saw that he wasn't comfortable in his own skin that he could be struggling here too. Losing my Mum made him become someone so different he was so cold, you know the stories what he's done to me. I look at him now, and even in the just over three weeks he's been out I know he wouldn't be capable of that that cruelty again. That man who raised me he doesn't reside in my Dad's body anymore. You have brought out a man in me who I didn't know existed and who I like, a man I'm proud to be. He is there because he's the man who deserves you. I'm not ever going to do anything to risk losing him and hurting you. I like the me I am with you too much. I want the us that we are when together, it makes me blind to everything else."

My eyes were full of water but I didn't let it release down my cheeks, I didn't want my tears to be what he remembered of our evening together. Instead I kissed him, it was slow and deep and made my chest feel tight with the overwhelming emotion I wanted to express. When I went to break the kiss Dylan lifted one hand off my lower back and moved it to my hair. He pulled me closer, he wasn't ready to stop the kiss. Eventually we had to, just to refill our lungs completely but even then he gave less than half an inch between our lips and he held my face as he gently rubbed our nose's against each other in an Eskimo kiss. It made me giggle. "One day I'm going to take you to Minnesota in winter. Eskimo kisses are the only way to kiss on those bitter day's on the snow fields when the winds are picking up."

"I'm going to hold you to that wife, and I'm not going to think about how you know that, who you gave Eskimo kisses to before we met."

I had mainly seen Bobby give them to the girlfriend he had the year before his accident but I had had one experience myself. At thirteen on a snow trip with Val who was visiting for a few day's over winter break. She had dared me into talking to a cute guy on holiday with his parents. We had kissed just a peck really but he had given me an Eskimo kiss just before it. Though in hindsight I'm not sure how intentional it had been or whether he was simply trying to kiss my lips and I kept going in the wrong side; eventually he had placed both hands on my cheeks and held my head still. Though I'm not sure my very cool and experienced husband needs that level of transparency between us, especially when it highlights how awkward and inexperienced his wife was back then. "It doesn't matter how I know, what matters is you'll own all my kisses Eskimo or others for the rest of our lives."

Before he kisses my lips again he whispers against them, "I want to own them longer than that. I want them forever."

We eventually separate when we know that the clock has struck ten.

I departed not having figured out how we were going to do this better. How we could ensure our balance doesn't begin to tilt.

Brandon comes in about twenty minutes after I had gotten home. It had given me enough time to quickly change and put on my pyjamas, and have me mid chapter reading the novel set for English when he comes into my room after his quick shower to wash the grease off. "You have a good night Bren?"

I can tell by his eyes he's wondering if I had been really home alone. He had mentioned more than once how shocked he was that both Dylan and I were complying with our parent's. He felt it was strange that we weren't pushing back more or sneaking around at school. "Yeah just spent the night at home. Organised my wardrobe a little and just had a quiet meal in the back garden. How was work?"

"Good. Quiet. Though Steve dropped by for dinner, and Andrea brought over the advance copy of our first co-edited addition of The Blaze that's coming out tomorrow. She gave me a copy for Mum and Dad, as well as one for Dylan. I thought with his parents out he might swing past for dinner at The Pit but he was absent all night."

I ignore his unasked question knowing any information I disclose would raise more questions. Instead I put my book down and give him pleading eyes, "can I have the advanced copy? I want to see what Brandon flair has been added to the paper in your new position-"

"And you want to read Dylan's first edited pages." I smile and nod, he shakes his head and stands. "I'll go get you one of the three copies I have." As he gets to my side of the bathroom door he turns around and smiles, "you know I was worried that you had changed a lot since Paris that my dreamy romantic sister had grown up too much but seeing how excited you are to read the copy and how you spent your night… well I'm glad you haven't changed."

As he turns back around and puts his foot on the bathroom tile I register what he said, my annoying twin knows I'm going to have to ask, "what about my night makes me dreamy and romantic?"

He turns around so pleased with himself that he got me to bite at his remark, he is almost unable to hold the laugh in it dances in his eyes, "you may have stayed home like the dutiful daughter and ate dinner outside, but you obviously haven't let Dylan go." I raise my eyebrow in question, "little sis it's nice to see you still play dress up when you are alone." He laughs I have no idea what he's going on about, "did you pick flowers from the backyard and wear a long dress like you used to do when we were kids, or have you toned it down now and it's just saying your vows in front of the mirror messing around with your old jewellery box?" He is laughing thinking he is so funny, but I'm glad that he is so amused as it means he doesn't notice my look of panic as I look down and see my rings are still on.

Panicking and needing to buy time I throw one of my decorative pillows at his head, "shut up."

He catches it and it makes him laugh even harder, "you know you are going to have to marry McKay as he's the only guy I know who could afford to make that ring into an actual diamond." He shakes his head, "glad that in your wardrobe organisation that you found your old costume jewellery collection I honestly thought it didn't survive the move. Can't wait to catch you wearing your old princess crown."

I try and get into the character I should be, the twin whose embarrassed and annoyed to be laughed at- by no means is it an Oscar worthy performance my anxiety at getting caught still too close to the surface for that. "Haha go and get my paper."

All through breakfast I subtly tease Bren handing her flowers, picking up her left hand to look at it. She's equal parts annoyed and amused at me which is good it detracts from Dad's constant complaining about Jack. Seemingly the older McKay had aided the conversation between Lawerence Carson and the rest of the men. Every time he had broached the topics of the old family's of California and New York Jack had provided a reference point for the others and the family tree connections. From what I can tell it had made the others feel included, with Mel making the connection to the families that David went to school with, or Dad had as clients. That was the problem though Dad didn't want to find anything redeemable about Jack so he was complaining about it to Mum. She seemed less interested in maintaining the conversation as it seemed this was not the first time she had heard these complaints.

The only family that Jack had cut Lawerence off on was Iris's, it had left Dad this morning looking to Bren for the full family tree. "Dad I'm not sure what you want me to tell you."

"Well it's just I can't seem to make the family connection to the steel industry. Iris's maiden name connects to a family in New York but they run an elite Trust and is one of the richest family trusts in North America. They aren't connected to steel or California though, and since Iris is from California I don't think there is any relation to them."

Bren squirms in her seat, "if you really want to know I'm sure Iris would tell you but you have to understand her parents died when she was young. She went to an English boarding school after their death's and she stayed with her Grandma during the summer's who often traveled abroad at those times, it's why her accent isn't easily placed it's so mixed. Her Grandma died when Iris was a little older than I am now. Iris's family tree well it raises lots of sad memories for her."

"Honey I'd just like to understand why even the Carson's seem to deter to the McKay's well specifically Iris but Jack is easily accepted even with his reputation, the Carson's are one of the richest California families it just seems odd."

Bren tap's her coffee mug and is quiet for a long time, finally when my Dad looks to be ready to try again she lifts her eyes. "She's the great-granddaughter of both families, the families were originally business partners but one stayed in steel the other sold their shares and moved to New York. The family's remained close and well it's how Iris's parents met and fell in love."

I knew a little of Iris's history from our dinners over the summer about her schooling and trips, I even knew about the loss of her parent's and nearly a decade later her grandma. I didn't know the family dynasties though. "Brenda if that's true then Iris would be worth-"

"Dad. Iris is exactly who she has alway's been to you. She prefers to drive second hand car's because she doesn't like perfectly good things to go to waste. She likes selling t-shirts on the beach because she thinks spending your day's having lunches and shopping, never living on what you earn from hard-work breed's wastefulness. She is private about her family because like us family is family and her family has been a topic of interest her whole life. If you want more than that, more than what I'm sure you could have found out from your clients rather than me, then you'll have to ask Iris. Everything else is family business and not something I'd discuss."

"Family business? Brenda you are a Walsh Iris is not your family your mother, brother and I are your family."

She squirms again and I see her self-consciously play with a chain hanging around her neck. "Dad you know Iris and I kept in touch when she left back to Hawaii last year. We wrote regularly and I spoke to her a number of times in Dylan's weekly phone chats. She… well she often calls me her honorary daughter-"

My Dad look's up to my Mum who is standing in the kitchen organising his lunch, he cuts Bren off from explaining any further, "Cindy this is why they need to be a part. She's too young for this type of commitment and even Iris is pushing it. I know she asked you last night if she could spend time with Brenda going to her mind gym or to lunch but I think any contact… well the purpose is for our daughter to see that there is life outside of Dylan that she doesn't need to be rushing into anything serious like she did by moving in with him. I think Iris pushing this honorary family connection would not be helping our goal here, to help our daughter gain a perspective away from him. To know there is a big world that is her oyster."

I waited, I waited for my sister to lose her temper to defend her and Dylan, to defend her right to see Iris- a woman I was still very much allowed to see. She did nothing she took her last sip of coffee and then looked at me. "Brandon you almost ready? I need to meet with my freshman buddy this morning to see how her first week is going." I nod in shock.

Seriously, my sister was never this calm this dismissive of my parents dictating her life, giving her boundaries that I didn't have. This passiveness was unnatural on her. It made me wonder with all her snapping this week and obvious frustration, of her near constant headache, if she was as okay as she was trying to appear at home. Bren had been unwilling to discuss her and Dylan but maybe Jones could shed some light on why my sister was being so different.