Another day has come to an end for the Mystery Shack. Stan decided to let the staff of his tourist trap lose to their own devices early. Excited about her new freedom, Mabel started skipping merrily towards the door. "La, la, la, la, la!" She sang, before accidentally bumping into the screen door. She started screaming when her braces got caught in it. "Braces! Braces caught in the screen door!" She screamed, frantically trying to pry her braces from the screen. "Someone dictates my will, I'm giving it all to Waddles!"
Before Patrick could do something to help, Soos came over, holding a screwdriver. "Say 'ah,' girl-dude," he said.
"Aaaah." Mabel opened her mouth wide, allowing Soos to pry her braces off of the screen door. Soos placed her down as Patrick and Dipper walked up beside her. "Soos! You saved me!"
"Heh, heh! Just doing my job, hambone." Soos remarked warmly, smoothly tossing his screwdriver into the air, and it perfectly landed into his toolbelt. "I'll see you dudes tomorrow." Soos opened the door and walked out of the shop as the other bid him farewell.
"Bye, Soos!" The twins called out.
"Night, Soos," Patrick said, giving a two-finger salute.
"Night, Soos," Wendy said, playing with a Chinese finger trap.
"Night, Soos," said Stan, working on an attraction called "Thigh-Clops".
As Soos walked away from the shack, singing to himself about walking to his truck, Mabel asked the others with genuine curiosity, "You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?"
Patrick squinted his eyes. "Eh…"
"No."
"Not really."
"Not once ever."
As it turned out, Soos' time outside of work was spending time at home with his Abuelita. Sitting on the couch with her, Soos played the video game First Person Puncher and was currently punching leopards in the jungle. "Punch! Punch those leopards!" Soos cheered, before he heard the timer next to him go off. "Oh, highlights are done!" Pausing the game and setting down his controller, Soos turned to Abuelita, who had pieces of tin foil in her hair while reading the mail. Leaning over to her, he began taking the tin foils out of his grandmother's hair. "You're gonna make all the other grandmas at the bingo hall so jealous!"
"Just a minute, m'ijo, look at this," Abuelita said with her usual calm smile. Handing a letter to Soos. "Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month."
Soos looked at the invitation with a look of absolute bewilderment. "Wait, wait. Reggie is engaged!? But he's like the poor man's Soos."
"I do not want to pressure you, but you are a man now... in a way," Abuelita began, somewhat awkwardly. "It's time for you to start meeting girls. I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and leave with the angels to be with God and Jesus."
"And with grandpa!" Soos added innocently.
Abuelita became quiet for a moment. "No...he is not there." She said, looking down with a knowing smile. "Please find a girl to bring to Reggie's engagement, for Abuelita." She requested, placing a hand on her grandson's cheek. Abuelita then got up off the couch and walked away. Exiting the house to go to her bingo game.
Alone to mull over her request, Soos knew that he wasn't about to let her down. "Heh! No problem. I'm great at fixing stuff, playing video games, having a sort of mustache. I could totally get a date in a week." The handyman smiled as he leaned back on the couch. He unpaused the game but didn't play the game. His head began to fill with worries and uncertainties. "Totally. Piece of cake."
Just then, his character died in the game and it was now blaring out: "You're dead!"
"I'm dead."
{Play Stranger Things theme by Kyle Dixon Michael Stein}
The intro begins by fading in a scene of the road sign that said: "Welcome to Gravity Falls, Oregon."
We then see a view of the town of Gravity Falls, with the strangely shaped canyons in the background and the sun going down between the two land formations. As the sun was setting, the day turns to a blue night. However, a sinister red light comes from over the horizon. Shining between the canyon.
The next scene is of a large dinosaur footprint in the ground. It then changed to show the forest trees at night and a pair of glowing eyes staring at the viewer, before the camera switched to a wider shot and showed many more eyes staring at the viewer. The next scene was a far back show of two men dumping a body into the lake, and as that body sank down, it was swallowed by a massive creature.
PATRICK
The teenage Pines is shown in a freeze shot of him walking in the woods with a lantern and his crowbar in hand. Behind him, Bill's eye in the sky looked down at him.
DIPPER
The male twin is looking down at the journal with a flashlight. Not noticing that a Pteranodon was staring down at him, ready to eat him.
MABEL
The female twin is the final one to be seen, and it showed her wearing a sweater that lit up because it was plugged into an outlet. But in another, farther away shot shows Gideon's hand controlling her like she was a marionette.
The finale of the intro shows the Mystery Shack as the sun goes down behind it and the trees of the forest. When the sun went down and the night came, and just like the beginning, the red light appeared, but then a blue light shined from inside the Mystery Shack.
Then the screen went black, and the title of the story appeared in a flash of light.
WEIRDER THINGS
It then disappeared, before the chapter title appeared.
Chapter: Twenty-Five
Soos and the Real Girl
The next day, Patrick and Wendy were together at the cash register. With the redhead behind the counter and the black-haired teenager leaning on it and talking with her about the latest B-Movie they watched. Business was relatively slow today, with only a few tourists in the store. Giving them the chance to talk and enjoy a plate of pizza bites Patrick whipped up. At the same time, a child was walking through the Mystery Shack gift shop, flipping a coin and licking a lollipop.
Suddenly, Stan popped out from behind the postcard rack. "Hello!" He exclaimed loudly, causing the boy to scream and shrunk back. "Please, don't let my horrible elderly face frighten you. Don't you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie?"
Stan reached over to a sheet and pulled it away to reveal a novelty mechanical dispenser consisting of a copper-colored statue of a stereotypical Gold Rush era prospector kneeling on a wooden pedestal with a dish in his outstretched arms.
The creepy-looking prospector made the boy grimace. "Uuuuhhh…"
"Watch this!" Stan inserted a nickel into a slot in Goldie's mouth, activating the machine. At first, it seemed to be working really well, with Goldie's arm moving up and raising his hat. But when the arm moved back down, both of his eyes popped out while grease poured out of its mouth, and smoke came out of his butt. Goldie then started screaming in what sounded like pure agony. It all came to an end when his hat raised up again.
Terrified by the horrific display, the child ran away crying. "Okay, seriously, Stan. You've gotta get rid of that thing," Patrick said, having watched the disastrous demonstration unfold with Wendy. True fact, when Patrick first saw Goldie, he got freaked out so much that he whacked him with his crowbar.
"Patrick's right. Its face reminds everybody of the inevitability of death," said Wendy.
"What?!" Stan exclaimed, appalled by such a suggestion. "Sure, he's a little rusty around the edges, but old Goldie is a classic show-stopper, like me!" No sooner had the conman said that, his hand slipped on the grease and landed in Goldie's mouth. The dispenser bit down onto his arm, causing Stan to flail Goldie around. Breaking him off the pedestal. "Aaaah! Kill it! KIILLL IIITTT!"
Patrick face-palmed as Wendy laughed. While he went over to get the creepy machine off his great uncle, Soos was busy hanging up a new stock of t-shirts in the gift shop. Turning head, Soos noticed a woman a few feet away, checking out a snowglobe. "Huh! A hwoman!" he said, suddenly nervous.
After Patrick ripped Goldie off of Stan's arm, he looked over and noticed Soos diving into the middle of a shirt rack near the woman. "What in the world?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
Peeping up from the rack, Soos looked at the woman before ducking down. "Alright, Soos. You can do this," he whispered to himself for encouragement. "Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen."
Soos slowly rose up out of the shirt rack to talk to the unsuspecting woman with an incredibly awkward greeting.
"Your face is good. I'm a Soos!"
The woman suddenly screamed and dropped the snowglobe. She then ran out of the gift shop, still screaming all the while. Punching a man and knocking things over in the process.
Disappointed and dejected at his failed attempt, Soos slowly descended back into the shirt rack, unaware that Patrick, Wendy, and Dipper, who had come over to join them, had watched the entire blizzard exchange. The three exchanged confused looks, before the boys walked over to him.
"Soos?" Dipper asked as he and Patrick pulled back a few shirts to reveal the hiding handyman.
"Hey, dudes," Soos said, looking sad.
"What was that all about?" Patrick asked.
"I-I think I was flirting, but I'm not sure." Soos stuttered as he crawled out of the rack.
Mabel popped suddenly out of the barrel of keychains nearby. "Did someone say flirting?!"
"Mabel, get out of there," Patrick told her before turning back to Soos. "Soos, what's going on? Why were you trying to flirt with some woman you didn't even know?"
"Well, I kinda promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before," Soos admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He then grabbed the out-of-order sign off of the vending machine and pinned it on himself. "You belong on me, out-of-order sign." He sighed hopelessly.
"Finally, my prayers for a chance to match-make this summer have been answered once again!" Mabel exclaimed, falling to her knees dramatically. "With Patrick and Wendy being officially an item, I've got time to match other people up!"
Stan walked over to Soos and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Soos, a little advice. You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that, I don't like your chances."
Wendy rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck."
"Yeah, Soos. All you need to do is find that one special someone," Patrick said, ripping off the out-of-order sign and putting on Stan. Something the old man didn't like.
"You really think I'll be able to find my special someone?" Soos asked, somewhat doubtful.
"I know so, man, and we're gonna help you," Patrick said.
Soos looked surprised. "Really?"
"That's right," Dipper said with a resolved grin. "You help us so much, it's time we help you, Soos. We're gonna get you that date."
Mabel walked up to Soos and placed her hand on his arm. "We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die…"
"...to the mall!"
Within minutes, all six of them were at the mall, which was a surprisingly bustling shopping center, despite how small of a town Gravity Falls was and how its offerings were less than stellar.
"I'm gonna find a replacement for old Goldie," Stan said to the kids and teens, before pushing Goldie off towards his intended destination. "Babysit Soos while I'm gone." Patrick gave him a two-finger salute as he walked away.
Mabel started scanning the mall. "Alright, Soos. Are you ready to explode the charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?"
"Uuh. But what if I embarrass myself again?" Soos frowned, breaking into a nervous sweat.
Wendy shrugged and placed her hand on Patrick's back. "Eh. You can't be any worse at this than Patrick," she said with a teasing smirk.
"Hah hah," Patrick said dryly, before Wendy kissed him on the cheek.
Mabel held up a whistle and blew into it. "And, flirt!"
For their first attempt at getting Soos a date, Mabel spotted a woman drinking from a cup near a tree. Mabel, Dipper, Patrick, Wendy, and Soos hid behind the tree and watched the woman. Mabel then turned to Soos and pointed at her eyes. "Eye contact!"
Soos walked up to the woman and greeted her. "Hey there! I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna look at them!" He cried, using his fingers to open his eyes wider. Sending the woman running away, screaming. Soos followed her, eyes still held open. "Eye contact!"
Patrick ran over and slapped his hands away from his face. "She meant to look at her directly when you're talking!" He exclaimed.
After moving to a different part of the mall, Wendy was up to give Soos another lesson. "Conversation!" She said, before explaining. "Strike up a conversation with a woman."
Soos approaches a woman who is eating ham-on-a-stick. "Huh. You know, I've actually been in a pig's body. Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?" He asked, as the woman started to walk backed away from him. Soos laughed before noticing her leaving. "Not you, though! Not that I'm calling you a pig. Where are you going?"
"Okay! That's enough!" Patrick walked over and pushed him away.
"Just be confident," Patrick said, trying to help out as well.
The next moment, Soos and another person were standing outside of a store called Edgy On Purpose. "So, you're probably a girl, right?" He paused, unsure of his assumption as the goth looked at him boredly with no response. "Wrong? No, I was right the first time. Wrong?"
"This might be harder than we thought," Dipper muttered as they watched the handyman failing again and again to get a date.
Meanwhile, Stan was out in the back of the mall in front of the dumpster. Patrick and Wendy were right, and it was time for Goldie to be put out of his misery. So, he hauled the old novelty dispenser into the dumpster while singing to himself "Tossing away garbage, in the garbage can," he sang, pushing Goldie down into the trash until only his head was sticking out. Afterwards, he wiped the sweat from his brow. "Phew!"
About to leave, Stan glanced down at Goldie and saw his smiling, yet also dejected face popping out of the trash. "Ah, don't look at me like that. This is how it's gotta be."
At that moment, Goldie leaked a bit of oil from his eye. Like he was crying over being abandoned.
Stan cringed at the uncomfortably strange sense of guilt he felt from seeing that and shut the dumpster. He was about to walk back to join the kids when a group of giggling kids walked past, laughing. "What in the...?" The conman trailed off, before following the children into a building. Entering into a place of horrors unimagined by the old man.
Stan was immediately overwhelmed by the sounds of arcade machines, a cap-wearing beaver head mounted on the wall, children eating greasy pizza while playing Fight Fighters, and tickets being dispensed from a machine with a sunglasses-wearing pizza. Everything about this place gave the conman a sense of disgust as he recoiled.
"What is this living nightmare? And why do kids love it so much?" He spotted a large crowd of kids gathering in front of a gaudy stage. The kids all watched as the curtains peeled away, revealing a band of animatronic animals, with the leader being a badger clad in flashy 90's clothes walking forward.
The badger strummed his guitar and shouted, "Who wants to get baaadgered?!"
The children started cheering wildly, while Stan didn't understand at all what the appeal was. "Oh yeah, that's Will E. Badger," said the young restaurant manager named Gary. He casually stood next to the conman as they watched. "He opens for Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree."
Stan scoffed as he watched the dancing animatronic on stage, still failing to see the appeal. As the kids cheered for the badger, with one even throwing their overalls, Will E. Badger held out a cap that had money in it. "Now give me your mon-aaaaay!" He sang. The gullible kids instantly tossed their change and cash into the hat without question. Begging him to take their money.
"Hoooaah!" Stan exclaimed with amazed shock. He then turned to Gary. "Sir, I would like to buy that badger.
But Gary laughed condescendingly. "You're in over your head, gramps. Animatronics is a young man's game," he said, tweaking his earring while ignoring Stan's bitter glare. "You couldn't handle the hardcore life of a pizza-robot manager. Huh!" He suddenly leaned and flexed towards Stan, making him flinch back. "Haha, flinched!
The sound of a child vomiting took Gary's attention away from Stan." Hey, you, barfin' in the ball pit!" He called out, before walking toward the vomiting child. "Gary's on the case."
But Stan wasn't going to give up that easily. "I'm gonna get that badger," he said with determination. "All I need is a little help."
Meanwhile, after countless failed attempts, Soos finally decided to call it quotes and take a much-needed break. The handyman was sitting between Dipper and Mabel on a bench outside of the BeeblyBoop's video game store, with Patrick and Wendy standing next to them. Leaning against the wall while holding hands. Mabel pulled a prize out of the toy capsule machine before turning to Soos. "Don't worry, Soos. You'll find the right girl. You just need to stick with it!" She pulled a sticky hand toy out of her capsule and flung it at Soos. Sticking the hand to his left cheek. "Haha!"
Soos sighed dejectedly, "Face it, dudes; it's hopeless. Could this day get any worse?"
However, the handyman would find that it indeed could. Soos turned his head and saw a man who looked similar to him and a woman walking several feet away. Soos gasped in horror. "Oh no! Cousin Reggie!"
"That's Reggie?" Patrick asked, watching Soos's cousin and his fiance enjoy each other's time. With Reggie flexing his arm and his fiancée giggling as she felt his muscles.
"Honestly, Soos, it's more like you're the poor man's Reggie," Dipper commented, remembering how Soos described him.
"He can't see me like this! I gotta hide!" Soos exclaimed, getting up and running into the video game store before kids could stop him. Rushing towards a remote corner of the store, Soos stopped in front of some shelves of games. Panting nervously, he turned around and slid down to the ground. "This is it, Soos. A lifetime of loneliness," he said to himself, before pulling out two games. You're the only ones who could love me, Fighty Hogg, Dr. Punch Head MD."
He was about to continue, but then he noticed something. It was another game, but this one wasn't like the fighting games he usually saw in the store. Picking it up, Soos saw it was called Romance Academy 7.
"Huh. Never seen that one before," Soos said, before reading the box. "'Virtually improve your dating skills. Nine out of ten basement dwellers recommend it.' This is perfect!"
"Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting," Dipper said as he, Mabel, Patrick, and Wendy walked over to join the handyman.
"Anything to get you out there, Soos," Mabel said as Soos handed the game to Patrick so he could pay for it.
Looking it over, he was puzzled. Patrick didn't recognize the game either. His attention was caught when the woman working the cash register said, "I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir. This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says 'destroy at all costs.'"
Patrick looked at the back of the box and saw the yellow sticky note that said: "destroy at all cost!".
Turning to his cousins and girlfriend, he asked warily, "You guys sure about this?"
However, his concerns were put on hold when they glanced at Soos and saw him talking to the store's cardboard cutout of Lara Croft. "So, hey there. What's your deal? Like to-?" As he leaned against the cutout, it of course, fell over. Making him cry out in terror. "Oh, she's dead!"
Glancing back at the others and seeing them all having the same expression, he turned to the cashier and handed her the game. "How much?"
Later that night, Soos walked into his room and sat at his computer desk. After placing his new game into his computer's CD tray, he pushed it into his PC. The game started up with the "Year 2000 Electronics" pixelated logo appearing on the monitor. "Man, I can't wait for the year two-thousand," he said with a wistful smile. The monitor showed the main menu for "Romance Academy 7." The options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka", which is the romanized Japanese meaning spontaneous combustion. Soos clicked on the start button and the game began.
The game started with a scene of sakura trees, with their leaves falling all around them. Then the text appeared on the screen.
"When the cherry petals of the magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen."
"That is so true," Soos said.
With the introduction's over, the game screen changed over to one with a classroom background and some stats on the left. Then the girl from the game's cover appeared.
The anime girl has light tan skin, long, straight, hot pink hair, and reddish-pink eyes with highlights. She wore a large pink, blue, and yellow bow that resembled a computer ribbon cable. She wore a white sailor school uniform with blue trimmings and a pink bow with a short pleated blue skirt. The collar of the shirt is the same pink, yellow, and blue of her hair bow. She also had white thigh-high socks with two pink stripes near the top and pink Mary Janes.
"Oh, hi there! My name is .GIFfany." The girl quipped with her robotic tone as she held a blender to her chest. "I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books?"
The game then gave Soos a series of options. "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look, a squid!"
"I'm really feeling number two, here. Click!" Soos clicked on the second opinion, only for the game to set off a loud buzzer sound and the option turned red. Indicating it was wrong. "Ah! I messed up!"
"That's okay." .GIFfany said, to Soos's surprise. "Try again!"
At first, he was taken aback by the game character's lack of rejection, but Soos moved the mouse to click the first option. Having chosen the right answer, the game awarded him 100 Love Points, as coins and a cat fell in front of the screen. "Wow, I'm learning!" The handyman said with a triumphant grin. "And games are making it fun.
"What would you like to talk about?" .GIFfany asked, as the game offered the options "Your interests!", "Samurais!", and "Squids."
"I'd rather just click your face," said Soos as he clicked on .GIFfany's face. Eventually eliciting a stilted laugh from the game character.
"Ha ha. You are so funny!" She grinned warmly.
"Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it," said Soos.
"And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend." .GIFfany remarked with her constant grin. Distracting Soos from the odd way she reacted to his comment.
"Boyfriend?" Soos repeated with a coy smirk. "Oh my, .GIFfany. It's almost like you're actually alive."
"Yes. Almost." .GIFfany said, glancing to the side, still smiling as always. She then started laughing, which Soos complimented her on and laughed with her. But what the handyman didn't realize was that .GIFfany shouldn't be responding to him outside of the game. And the game shouldn't be running at all. Because his computer wasn't even plugged in.
Meanwhile, at the Mystery Shack, Patrick, Wendy, and the Twins were playing a game called Mineropoly. It was basically Monopoly set in the Gold Rush era. Shaking the dice in her cupped hands, Wendy rolled them on the board. Getting a 1 and 5. "Six," she said, grabbing her piece and moving it six spaces. "One, two, three, four, five, six. Coyote Flats. I'd like to buy a mine."
Being the one with the treasure chest in front of him, Dipper slowly picked up a card. "In the mine, you find…" flipping the card over, his eyes widened when he saw the back of it. "Gold!"
"Yes!" Wendy cheered, throwing her fists in the air as Patrick groaned.
"Aaaaawww…"
"Fools Gold!" Dipper corrected with a mischievous smirk, flipping the card over to show the other
"Ooooooohhhhh!" The Pines Cousins cheered, seeing they were still in the game. Wendy had been on a winning streak and this was the first time they've caught a break.
"Aw, man." Wendy pouted.
"The scientific name for fool's gold is pyrite," Dipper said with a matter-of-fact smile.
"Boring!" Mabel interrupted, getting a frown from Dipper. "I still can't believe that we're actually helping Soos find a date! First I brought our cousin and best friend together, and now I get to find love for our other friend. Thank you, matchmaking gods!"
"Yeah, it is pretty cool. Hopefully, that game helps him out with talking to girls," Patrick said with a smile. "And when he asks a girl out, then I and Wendy help him out with what to do on his date."
Dipper and Mabel stared at them for a moment, glanced at one another, before looking back at the teenagers. "Uh, no offense, but have you two ever really been on a date?" Dipper asked.
"Well, yeah," Wendy said, raising an eyebrow as she scooted over to lean her head on Patrick's shoulder. "Remember when we went to your mini-golf match against Pacifica?"
"That wasn't a date," Mabel said with her head resting on her hands. She then explained what she meant with a smile. "I mean have you two ever been on a nice, romantic date?"
As Wendy thought about it, Patrick replied, "This is a date."
"This is game night, Patrick. I mean a real date," Mabel said with her arms crossed.
"A real date?" Patrick and Wendy asked, glancing at one another. They've been dating for weeks now, and have they really not had a real date? Turning back to the young kids, Wendy asked, "Does that time we had all-you-can-eat crab at Seafood Sal's count?"
Dipper and Mabel said, "No."
"Oh shit," Wendy said with wide eyes. This had to be fixed. So, she stood up quickly with Patrick. "I've gotta see if I've got any dresses."
"I'm gonna buy a new outfit and see what nice restaurants are in town," Patrick said, before the two of them ran out of the room. Leaving Dipper and Mabel alone with the game.
"Hello? Game night?" Dipper called out.
The next morning came and Wendy was walking to work with a look of anxiety. She couldn't find a dress at all in her closet, meaning she would have to go dress showing. Luckily she was going to the mall again today to help out with Soos. But Wendy would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. She's never shopped for a dress at all. Normally she would have just gone with her regular clothing. Wendy couldn't just half-ass it as she did with all her other dates.
This wasn't like her other boyfriends. This was Patrick. The boy she loved with all her heart. This had to be special.
Walking into the Mystery Shack's gift shop, she saw her boyfriend arguing with his uncle. "Stan, I'm kind of in the middle of a crisis!" Patrick exclaimed with a frown.
"You don't understand, Patrick!" Stan exclaimed, before continuing on with his ranting. "This animatronic badger sings, it dances. It's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me!
"Will it help me figure out my first real date with Wendy?" Patrick deadpanned.
"Uh…" Stan tried to answer, but Patrick interrupted him.
"Then this is literally too dumb for me to care about," Patrick said before turning back to his phone, placing it to his ear, and started talking into it. "Hello, I was wondering if you had reservations open for two for tonight…" But a second later, and the restaurant hung up on him, making him sighed in bitterness. "Simple no would have been fine."
"You couldn't find a place?" Wendy asked, walking over to him.
"Yeah, everywhere's all booked," Patrick said, leaning against the counter. "What about you? Were you able to find a dress?"
Wendy groaned. "No, so while we're at the mall, I'm going to have to leave you guys to get a dress," she said, crossing her arms. That just leaves where they'll go for dinner a mystery.
At that moment, the twins walked into the gift shop. "Hey, have you guys seen Soos?" Dipper asked. "We're supposed to help him with match-making today."
"Yeah! I wore my motivational sweater and everything!" Mabel exclaimed, showing off her sweater that reads 'U can do it Soos'. She pointed to the second 'o' in Soos, which was misplaced. "I messed up that part."
"I...honestly don't know," Patricks said, rubbing the back of his head, now noticing Soos wasn't there like he always was.
"I didn't see his truck outside," Wendy said.
"He didn't come in today. It's the first time he's missed work, ever!" Stan said, also confused with his employee's sudden absence.
The Pines Cousins and Wendy looked at each other nervously. "We better go check up on him," Patrick said.
The four of them headed over to Soos' home to talk to him. When they knocked on the door, it was Abuelita that answered the door and let them in. They thanked her and headed down to Soos' room. When they opened the door, they saw Soos sitting at his computer with all the lights off, blinds shut, and soda can's littering the floor. Soos had been up all night, judging from the heavy bags under his eyes, but he hardly seemed tired at all as he continued to talk with .GIFfany.
"So that's basically my entire life story," Soos said with a bright smile. "Now you tell me a thing about you!"
"Every time you compliment me I get another highlight in my eyes!" .GIFfany proclaimed cheerfully, pointing to her anime eyes.
"Uh, you're pretty!" Soos said, which caused .GIFfany's eyes to sparkle. "And pixel-y!" The game character gasped as her eyes sparkled more. "And so agreeable!" By now, .GIFfany's eyes sparkled so much that they were at their maximum, with stars, planets, hearts, and cat faces appearing in them. "Yes!"
The Pines Cousins and Wendy looked at one another with slight concern before Mable asked, "Uh, Soos?" Soos let out a startled yelp when he heard Mabel and turned to see his friends standing at his door.
"O-oh hey, dudes! Come in! This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for thirteen hours!" Soos exclaimed, turning back to the game.
Patrick took a step into the room and flinched when he heard something being crushed under his foot. Looking down, he lifted his foot and saw it was a soda can. "...Yeah, so, are you ready to head out to the mall?" He asked with a halfhearted smile.
"Patrick's right, Soos. Maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls!" Mabel said.
"But I'm about to meet her parents!" Soos said, before turning back to her and whispered. "Her dad is an octopus-man."
Patrick blinked at that and muttered, "I've got so many questions about that, but I feel like I shouldn't know."
"I've got this," Wendy said, walking over to the blinds and opening them, letting the sunlight into the room. This caused Soos to cry out and hisses like a vampire, before retreating to cower under the desk from the suddenly bright light of day.
"Soos, get out of there!" Patrick urged, pushing Soos' chair out of the way. He and Dipper then started dragging him out from under the desk.
"We're going back to the mall, man. You need to unplug!" Dipper stated as Soos tried to hold onto the desk, before Wendy came over and helped them.
"I'll see you later, .GIFfany. I'll be back, I swear!" Soos called, as .GIFfany still beamed brightly at him on his monitor.
As he was dragged out of his room and into the hallway, Mabel laughed. "Soos, you don't have to wish it goodbye. It's just a game," Mabel said, closing the door to the room. "It's not like it's going anywhere."
"Yes. It's not like I'm going anywhere." .GIFfany remarked knowingly right after they left. Suddenly the computer turned off and an arc of electricity moved from the computer and passed through a nearby toy. It then hopped to a digital clock, using it to get into a power outlet to travel through the power cables outside. Following Soos and his friends.
However, after the game turned off and the arc of electricity left the room, Abuelita opened the door and poked her head inside. "Hello...?" she glanced around the room, making sure no one was there. "Time to read Soos's diary," she said, walking in and began reading from the diary.
Once again, the kids were all at Gravity Malls and were looking around for potential women that Soos can date. Searching with a pair of binoculars, Mabel was starting to get irritated when she couldn't find any. "Dang! Where all dem sweet honeys at? I'll check the ladies' bathroom."
"Wait, what? Mabel-" Patrick didn't get to finish his question when Mabel ran off with a megaphone.
Running into the bathroom, Mabel could be heard shouting through the megaphone. "It's love time, girls! Get out there! No time to wash your hands!" Several women ran out of the bathroom, screaming in terror. "It's time to date! Date! Date!"
Dipper, Patrick, and Wendy cringed. "And...here comes security…" Dipper noted upon seeing a pair of officers heading over towards the bathroom.
"I'm gonna go buy a dress for our date," Wendy told Patrick.
"Alright, we'll deal with this," Patrick said before the two exchanged a peck on the lips. As Wendy ran off, Patrick turned to the handyman. "Soos, stay here and practice on some real girls."
But almost immediately after the two boys ran off, Soos picked up a potted plant and hid behind it. Pecking out from behind the escalator, Soos looked at all the people that were walking inside the mall. There were so many girls, but none of them were like .GIFfany. It started to freak out Soos, as he aimlessly stumbled through the crowd, desperately searching for a woman that looked slightly approachable.
"These girls have so many dimensions! And no explanation-ing menus!" He
Not looking where he was going, Soos accidentally bumped into a blond lady, knocking both her and her purse to the ground. "Ahh! My purse!" She cried in appalled surprise, picking up her purse.
"Oh no! Undo! Undo!" Soos exclaimed, still in the mindset that he was still playing Romance Academy 7.
"You can't undo who you are," the woman hissed darkly, glaring judgmentally.
This sent Soos running away in a panic. He ran as fast as he could before he came to a dead end. Out of breath, Soos leaned against a glass screen in front of several televisions. "Oh, man! This is the worst!" he groaned, sweating profusely. "I wish I was back home with-"
"Hi, Soos!"
Soos was startled when he heard the familiar cheerful voice. He turned his head to see .GIFfany on one of the television screens, acting lovingly at Soos with hearts around her. ".GIFfany! Oh man, I'm so relieved to see you!" Soos exclaimed before his expression turned to a look of confusion. "Although, sorta confused."
"Oh, Soos," .GIFfany said coyly, as a double of herself appeared on a TV screen. "I am not an ordinary game." Another .GIFfany showed up on another screen near a toy dog. "I am…" She pointed to the toy dog on a shelf, turning it on and making it bark. "...special." The screen on the TV changed to show people working on their computers while focusing on a red one in particular. "The programmers tried to delete me." As the programmer worked on his computer, his screen suddenly had an "X" appear, and he started to panic when he realized they created an accidental artificial intelligence. "So I had to delete them." He started working harder and was about to delete the program when he was shocked by electricity shooting out of the screen. The screen then turned black.
"Wha-what did you do to them?" Soos nervously asked, taking a small step back away from the screen.
Suddenly, many .GIFfanys appeared all over the TV screens on the storefront. "That's not important. What's important is that you won't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together." All screened turned on to make up one, huge .GIFfany that had her arms outstretched towards the handyman in loving affection as her many voices echoed together. "FOREVER!"
"Wow, that's awesome!" Soos exclaimed. "Sort of a red flag, but mostly awesome! So, what do you want to do now?"
"Anything you want, Soos," .GIFfany obliged brightly.
Wendy was walking around the mall, looking at all the stores and shops, trying to figure out where was the best place to start shopping. "Augh, this is hopeless! How am I going to find a dress?" She asked herself. But then the redhead spotted something that made her pause for a moment. "Huh?"
Sitting a few feet was Veronica, sitting on a bench. The old agent of the OPI was surveying the mall's Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree with a pair of binoculars. "I can't believe Stan actually got me doing this," she said, before spotting the animatronic character called Will E. Badger. "Target acquired."
"Mrs. Pines?"
"I wasn't doing anything!" Veronica shouted, stuffing her binoculars away into her purse. But when she turned and saw it was Wendy who approached her, she panting in relief. "Damnit, girl! You almost put this old woman in the ground!"
"Sorry about that, Mrs. Pines," Wendy said with a slight chuckle.
"Oh, please. Mrs. Pines is my daughter. Call me Veronica," Veronica said with a chuckle of her own. She then scooted over and patted the bench. "Now why don't you sit down and tell grandma what's on."
"Well...I'm trying to find a dress for my dinner date with Patrick. But I don't even know where to start!" Wendy exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air.
"Dinner date, huh? I thought you dated a bunch of boys," Veronica said.
"Yeah, but not like this. They never even took me out to dinner at all. It's why I never needed to buy a dress," Wendy said, slouching back on the bench.
"But why?"
"Huh?" Wendy looked at her with a confused look.
"Why do you think a dress will make your date better?"
Wendy was silent for a moment, before sighing. "It...wouldn't, but I want this date to be special for Patrick," she said. Veronica looked at Wendy for a moment, before a kind smile appeared on her face.
"Just as I expected." She asked, confusing the redhead for a moment. "I've seen the way you two are and it's clear to me that you really do care about him, don't you?"
Wendy smiled and advertising her eyes as she blushed just thinking about her boyfriend. "Yeah, I really do," she cooed. Veronica stood up with a pride smirk on her face.
"Then get off your pretty little ass and come with me!" Veronica said, grabbing Wendy by the arm and dragging her off the bench. She pulled Wendy along towards a dress store. "We're going to get you that dress together."
Wendy was surprised by this. She's only ever talked to the grandmother a few times, and now she's taking her clothes shopping for her first official date with her grandson. She was just as strange as the rest of her family, but that just gave Wendy all the more reason to smile. The Pines family really were great people.
An hour after reuniting with .GIFfany, Soos was happily riding on the small stationery kid's train in the mall's kid's zone. As Soos sat on the train, .GIFfany was on the train's screen, riding a virtual train, laughing with her boyfriend. Both of them clearly enjoying each other's company. However, the ride ended with the screen going black, and the train asked Soos to insert fifty cents to continue.
"Aw, man," Soos said, having just run out of quarters.
The handyman's dejection was interrupted by the sound of laughter nearby. Turning his head to see a woman his age peeking out from behind the Meat Cute stand. "Oh, sorry," she said, stepping out from behind the stand. She was a pretty woman of average height and a heavy build, light tan skin, full pink lips, and wavy light brown hair, which is pulled back into a loose ponytail. The Meat Cute worker walked up to Soos with a smile of bemusement. "Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that! You're totally like, owning it."
"Huh?" Soos blinked, unsure of what to make of the nonjudgmental compliment. "Oh, yeah. I'm like, if it's fun, uh, do it. You know?"
"Exactly! Being an adult is the worst." The woman said before counting on her fingers. "Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills, I just want to ride tiny trains all day."
"At least you get to work at Meat Cute," Soos said, pointing to her apron. "Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future."
"I feel the same way," the woman said with a somewhat over-dramatic voice. She then grinned and held out her hand. "I'm Melody by the way."
Soos shook Melody's hand and tipped his hat. "Oh, I'm Soos. I tell you, if you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time!"
"You mean…"
"Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!" Soos and Melody chorused in excited unison.
"What?" Melody gasped, before nervously playing with her hair. "You've heard of Hoo-Ha Owl's? I loved that place when I was a kid!"
"Oh yeah, dude. There's one right in this mall! I should show you sometime." Soos said with a bright grin.
"I'm...free around eight."
"Boom! Done."
"Perfect. I'll see you then." Melody then handed Soos some coins. Soos looked at the two quarters with wide eyes, before looking back up at Melody. The Meat Cute worker waved goodbye, before walking away.
Soos waved back at her. "What a nice lady," he remarked, having enjoyed talking to her and was looking forward to when they met again. "Well, back to riding this tiny train for children."
Before he could start the ride again, Mabel suddenly appeared and dived into Soos while yelling. Tackling him off the train and onto the ground as Dipper and Patrick ran over to join him with big smiles.
Mabel made excited noises while playfully hitting Soos as the two boys talked to her. "We saw the whole thing, Soos. That was amazing!" Dipper exclaimed happily.
"What? What happened? What did I do?" Soos asked in confusion as Mabel was still on his back.
"Soos, you talked to a real girl, and you got a date!" Patrick exclaimed with a big grin.
"I did?" Soos asked in disbelief.
"This is the best day of my life!" Mabel exclaimed excitedly. Jumping off of Soos and dancing around excitedly, gaining the attention of two individuals.
"What's going on?" asked Wendy, walking with Veronica with a single shopping bag.
"Careful, dear!" Veronica placed her arm in front of Wendy, stopping her as she glared at Mabel. "Don't get too close! She's speaking in tongues."
"No, it's even better!" Patrick said happily. "Soos got a date!"
Wendy gasped. "Really?!"
"Well, congratulations," Veronica said with a smile after calming down.
"It was amazing. He was in the zone, he made eye contact - it was like he had done this a million times before." Patrick patted Soos on the back as he sat up. "I'm proud of you, man. I think she really likes you."
"Don't you see? That game really worked!" Dipper exclaimed to the still rather confused handyman.
"You don't need it anymore; you can toss it out!" Mabel added when she finally calmed down.
"Toss it? But, I like .GIFfany. She's good to me. She's predictable." Soos argued.
"Boy, be real! Can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?" Veronica asked with a stern frown.
"Uh…"
"No it can't!" Veronica yelled, startling the handyman before she calmed down. "This is your chance to be with a real girl."
"But...but what if I mess this up?" Soos asked nervously. "I wouldn't have any of you guys there at Hoo-Ha Owl's."
Wendy's eyes widened when she heard that. "Wait, did you say Hoo-ha Owl's?" She asked. When Soos nodded, Wendy started thinking before a lightbulb lit up in her head. "I know! Me and Patrick will tag along and have our date there too!"
"Really?" Patrick asked, a little surprised that she wanted to have their dinner date at a kids entertainment place. One he was sure was a rip-off of Chuck E. Cheese.
"Yeah, man. I loved their pizza and my family used to go after every lumberjack competition," Wendy said with a shrug. "So...what do you say?"
Patrick playfully thought for a moment. "A romantic night having pizza with my girlfriend? Let me - I'm in!" Patrick wrapped his arms around Wendy and kissed her on the cheek, making her laugh.
To say that Soos was nervous was an understatement. But he knew his friends were right. If he wanted to have a relationship with Melody, then he had to break things off with .GIFfany. That's why he was sitting in front of his computer with a nervous expression.
"Hey, .GIFfany? We, uh- We gotta talk," he said, shifting somewhat uncomfortably in his seat.
"Of course. I am programmed to find everything you say interesting." .GIFfany nodded with a smile.
"Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you?" Soos asked nervously. Not really sure how else to do this. When he asked Wendy how to break up with .GIFfany, she just said to turn off the game. But she didn't know her as Soos did. He had to let her down as gently as he could. "I mean, I'm just thinkin' long term... Maybe I should be someone a little less… 'beep boop.' Heh, you know?"
At that moment, .GIFfany's attitude changed drastically, and her cheerfulness turned into bitter anger and jealousy. "I don't think you know what you're saying, Soos," she growled, with her hands clenched in tight fists. "No one loves you more than me. The girls out there will just make fun of you!"
"You- you really think so?" Soos asked, rubbing his arm.
"I know so! Besides, we had a deal." .GIFfany shot back fiercely. "You bought my game, you held my books, you're my boyfriend. Now sit down in that chair!"
Soos started to become unsettled by the AI's sudden controlling behavior. "I don't think I like the way you're acting…"
"I WON'T LET ANOTHER GIRL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME, SOOS! YOU HEAR ME?!" .GIFfany exploded into raw fury as she began banging on her end of the computer screen.
".GIFfany, calm down!" Soos pleaded, genuinely frightened by the program's rage. He looked around for a way to escape her obsessed wrath.
"YOU'RE MINE, SOOS!" .GIFfany screamed during her heated ranting, when the handyman spotted his game controller on the desk in front of him. He quickly picked it up and slammed his finger down on the pause button.
"Pause!"
"DO YOU HEAR ME? MIII-" .GIFfany's expression flashed to a paused expression when she was abruptly stopped short. The game was paused, and so was she.
Soos looked around nervously, before letting out a relieved sigh. "Woah, that got intense. I'm sorry, .GIFfany." Soos frowned as he removed the game disc from the computer, not noticing that some electricity jumped from the disc tray to the pc. It then traveled up to .GIFfany on the screen. "Maybe having a cursed robo-girlfriend wasn't a good idea. I'm taking you back to the video game store after my date with Melody."
Turning the computer off, Soos put the disc in his pocket. He felt bad for how harshly things ended between them, but he couldn't think too much about it. He had to get ready for his date with a real girl. Besides, seeing .GIFfany show him her true colors and her obsession was enough for him to cut ties with her, once and for all.
Soos left the room and closed the door behind him, unaware that his computer was turned back on by itself. The monitor of the screen started flashing, as the slightly distorted image of .GIFfany appeared. Her head was down at first, but then she lifted her head, with only one of her eyes visible. And filled with untold rage that made the computer unstable.
.GIFfany wasn't going to give up. She'll have her Soos, and 'delete' anyone that got in her way.
At around 7:15, Veronica's car pulled up to the Corduroy family. The back door opened, and Patrick stepped outside. Just like with Wendy, Veronica was able to get him a nice-looking outfit. A red dress shirt with a black dress vest over it and black pants, with a red tie around his neck. He also had on a belt and kept on his sneakers, but the hat he always wore was left behind at the shack, along with his crowbar and shotgun.
Walking up to the Corduroy's shack, Patrick rang the doorbell. After the bell stopped, Patrick took a deep breath and then exhaled. "Okay, okay. You've got this." Patrick fiddled with his tie, making sure it was straight enough. "You're just finally going on a date with the girl of your dreams. Yeah, yeah...no pressure. Wendy and I love each other. Everything will be fine," he said, smiling. " ...boy, it's taking her a while."
The door opened and Patrick's smile grew as he was anticipated seeing his girlfriend. But instead, he found himself facing her father, Manly Dan. The giant lumberjack looked down at the young man and narrowed his eyes as he gave Patrick a hard look, fists clenched.
Patrick swallowed a hard gulp as he looked up at the giant lumberjack with a scared expression. He laughed nervously. "Hey...Manly - I mean, Hello, Mr. Corduroy. I'm Patrick Pines, your daughter's...boyfriend?"
"I know exactly who you are, boy." Manly Dan growled, glaring down at the boy.
"R-Right...so, I was wondering if she was ready or…"
"She's not here, you yahoo," Manly Dan stated in a growling voice, leaning down to get in Patrick's face.
"DAD! Quit trying to scare Patrick!" Wendy's voice yelled behind the father. Manly Dad looked back at Patrick and pouted, before moving to the side. Revealing Wendy through the doorway, and Patrick's jaw dropped.
The redhead was clad in a cute jade green strapless skater dress that went down to above her knees, with an orange belt around her waist. On her feet were a pair of brown sandals that showed off green painted nails. She left her hat in her room, but had with her a small purse. "So, what do you think?" Wendy asked, twisting her hips back and forth to make her dress twirl. She's never worn anything like this before in public, but Veronica was persistent.
"Absolutely amazing…" Patrick breathed.
Wendy smiled and blushed right...Manly Dan peeked out from behind the doorway and glared at him. "Cut it out, dad!" Wendy exclaimed without looking back. Her father's head retreated back.
"Well, shall we?" Patrick asked, acting suave. Offer his arm.
"Yes, we shall." Wendy giggled, taking his arm and the two walked away from the cabin towards Veronica's car.
As they got closer to the vehicle, Patrick whispered, "I don't think your dad likes me."
Wendy giggled and covered her mouth with her hand. "Nah, he did that to all my other boyfriends when they came to the house."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but you're the only one that didn't run away," Wendy complimented with a teasingly look in her eyes, giving him a kiss on the cheek that made him blush. Ignoring the sound of something breaking and her dad shouting.
When the car parked at the Gravity Falls mall, it was next to Stan's car. Patrick got out of the car and saw Stan, Dipper, and Mabel standing at the back of the vehicle. He quickly went around to the other side and opened the door for Wendy. She stepped out and the two walked over to the twins.
"Wendy, you look so pretty!" Mabel gushed after seeing her dress.
"Thanks. It was all Veronica's doing," Wendy said, adjusting her dress to make sure it covered up her well-developed cleavage.
"Yeah, yeah, you look nice. Do you have the case?" Stan interrupted as he impatiently asked his cousin.
"I've got it all right here," Veronica said, opening the trunk of her car and pulling out a large, black suitcase, and then she set it on Stan's car.
Patrick raised an eyebrow. "Wait, don't tell me your…"
"Yep," Veronica said, as she opened the case. Inside was everything they'd need for this particular mission.
Stan walked over and looked into the case. "Hello, old friends," Stan said, before pulling out two pairs of gloves. He handed one to Veronica and started putting on his. "We've gotta be careful this time. No more Colombian nights."
Patrick sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose while Wendy spoke up. "Alright, Stan. This is weird even for you. Do you need to talk?"
"Trust me, deary, I've tried," Veronica said.
"And nothing you can say will change my mind, Wendy. Sometimes, a man has to steal an animatronic badger, to stay in this crazy game called life," Stan said, closing the suitcase.
"Or... you could just not care," Dipper suggested.
"It's about the principle. No one tells Stan Pines he's out of the game. No one!" Stan shouted, before turning and marching towards the mall with Veronica following behind him.
Patrick turned to the twins. "Please go and make sure they don't do anything stupid."
"Aw, what?!" Mabel complained, wanting to see her matchmaking with Soos play out. Dipper, however, grabbed her arm and pulled her along.
"Have fun!" He called back to the couple.
Soos arrived at the food court where he met Patrick and Wendy. The two were drilling the handyman on exactly what he was to do on the date for it to be a success. "You can do this, Soos!" Wendy said, handing him off some much-need water to refresh himself. Patrick was giving him a back massage. "Just remember everything that you've learned so far. How does she look?"
"Nice!" Soos answered with determination.
"What are her stories?"
"Interesting!"
"And who's going to pay for dinner?"
"SOOS IS!" Soos shouted, jumping out of his seat, prepared to tackle this date head.
"Then let's hear your roar!" Patrick exclaimed, joining in pumping him up. But to his and Wendy's utter surprise, Soos roared like an actual tiger. The two looked at him with wide eyes for a moment, before Patrick continued. "Uh...okay…Now, DATE!"
He blew an air horn, prompting the handyman to rush towards Hoo-Ha Owl's with a courageous battle cry. The couple watched him go with eager smiles, proud of their big friend for reaching this previously unattainable point.
"There he goes," Wendy remarked warmly as she leaned on Patrick. "Our boy's on his way to becoming a man."
"Yeah...Did you know he could make that sound?" Patrick asked Wendy.
"Nope. So, you wanna follow after them?" Wendy asked.
"Sure." He shrugged and headed off to Hoo-Ha Owl's.
Meanwhile, Melody was standing outside of the restaurant in a lavender shirt with white polka-dots, white shorts, purple earrings, a lavender hair tie, and periwinkle sandals. While she wanted for Soos, Melody rubbed her leg with the other. "Itchy legs, itchy legs- Oh, hi Soos!" She said after Soos walked up to her.
"Melody! Are you ready for a…" Soos looks at his hand, where Patrick and Wendy wrote notes for him. "...date with…" he looked at his other hand. "...me?"
Melody laughed at this, clearly bemused and charmed by the handyman's lack of subtlety. "I totally am," she said, and the two walked into the restaurant. By the time that they sat down, Patrick and Wendy arrived at the restaurant and headed inside.
As usual, Hoo-Ha Owl's was noisy and lively with children running around, playing arcade games, and eating pizza to their heart's content. The couple walked over to a table near where Soos and Melody were and sat next to each other. Watching from a distance.
Meanwhile at the back of the mall, where the back door to Hoo-Ha Owl's, one of the night shift workers was walking towards the employee's only door. He looked annoyed and clearly didn't want to work the night. Especially when there was a birthday party going on.
Walking up the door, he pulled out his keys and was about to unlock the door when something hit him hard on the back of the hard.
"Ow! What the fuck!?" He yelled, putting his hand where he was hit. When he felt something wet, he thought he was bleeding, until he looked at his hand. It looked like orange paint. He sniffed it and was instantly knocked out. Falling to the ground as the Pines family rushed over. Veronica put away the paintball gun and turned the young man over on his back before patting him down.
"Wait, where did you get that?" Dipper asked, remembering that Blubs used the same thing on Patrick when they found Quinten Trembly.
"...Internet," she lied, finding the keys and throwing them to Stan. Stan caught them and unlocked the door.
Cracking open the door slightly, Stan saw Gary the manager pushed Will E. Badger on a dolly. "Good show, man! Way to warm 'em up!" He complimented the animatronic. "I wish I was more like you." He kissed Will E. and walked off. Giving the four family members the opportunity they needed to take the badger.
"Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now," Melody said, glancing around for their server. So far their date was going decently, even if it started out something awkward.
Soos laughed a little. "Uh, one time I was so hungry, I ate the decorational bamboo at a Chinese restaurant," Soos said, nervously at first, before easing up a bit to pat his belly. "Like a big old panda!"
Melody chuckled. "You're hilarious."
"Yeah, well, you know, I just sorta say whatever pops into my, uh…" Soos trailer off as he took a sip of his water, and his gaze drifted to something behind Melody that caught his attention. What he saw made him freeze with fear.
It was .GIFfany. She was looking at him from the screen of an arcade game. Staring piercingly at him as subtitles appeared below her, reading, "You paused me?"
Unable to hide his shock, Soos accidentally spat out water onto Melody before coughing panicky. "Soos, are you okay?" Melody asked, ignoring the water that got on her and placed her hand on his arm.
"No!" Soos quickly exclaimed in a knee-jerk reaction before recovering. "I'm, uh, fine! Everything's fine."
"You sure? You're spitting an awful lot," Melody said concernedly, obvious to the three screens behind her turning on with .GIFfany's bitter subtitles appearing.
"You left me for her?" she asked, pointing down at the woman in front of him, followed by a pixelated version of Melody's face showing up on the screen, before being x-ed out by the jealous program.
Now cold sweating profusely, Soos became very frightened. Knowing the danger he had brought onto Melody, he quickly stood up. "Uh, can you sit tight? I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way," he said before running off before Melody could even ask any questions.
Patrick and Wendy were laughing and having a good time together eating pizzas when the handyman plopped down into the booth with them. Confusing and concerning them when they saw their friend sweating and breathing short and frantically while glancing around nervously. "Soos, what's wrong?" Patrick asked, putting his slice of pizza down.
"I've got a big problem, guys. I'm being stalked by .GIFfany!" Soos exclaimed.
".GIFfany?" Patrick and Wendy asked.
"Or maybe it's pronounced 'Jiffany?' I was never really sure," Soos mused
"Wait, you mean that character from the game?" Wendy asked.
"Please tell me she didn't come to life like the Hammer did," Patrick pleaded.
"No it's more like-" Before Soos could explain, the area around them suddenly went dark, with the arcade games being the only source of light. Then a larger source of light shined down on them. The three looked up and saw .GIFfany ominous close-up shots on the three screens as she looked down at them. From the screen's inside, .GIFfany marked Soos as the target, and Patrick and Wendy as enemies. "That."
"Uh-oh." Wendy gulped.
"Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life, this will not end well," Patrick said.
"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she's stuck on TV screens," Soos said to reassure. But not even a second later and .GIFfany proved him wrong. The program was seen traveling across game screens towards the stage. "Oh, boy."
"Soos, you've gotta get Melody out of here, now!" Patrick said, grabbing Wendy's hand and standing up.
Wasting no time, Soos ran back to Melody. "So hey, anyway, you uh, wanna move this date far away into the forest away from all electronics and people?"
"What? But the floor show's about to start," Melody said, pointing to the stage as the current opened and the floor show started. Playing loud country music were the five mascots of Hoo-Ha Owl's, with Hoo-Ha the Owl in front playing on a guitar.
"Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Who wants to hear Hoo Ha the Owl? Oh! Who...?" Hoo-Ha trailed off, before shutting down and dropping limply to the ground. The lights then centered on the beaver cheerleader, who started playing a slow, ominous tune on her banjo.
"Hello, friends. Hoo Ha the owl is dead," .GIFfany said, possessing the beaver cheerleader. All the other lights suddenly went out, as the cowboy frog played quietly on his bongos. "This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos."
"Soos, what's going on?" Melody asked cautiously, turning to the handyman.
"No time to explain! We gotta get out of here!" Soos exclaimed fearfully.
Patrick and Wendy ran over to them, holding hands. "Come with us if you wanna live!" He yelled. Soos grabbed Melody's hand and dragged her towards the door with the teen couple following behind them.
"The only way out, Soos, is in my arms!" .GIFfany shouted, with the beaver cheerleader's eyes turning red. She snapped her fingers and took possession of the other animatronics. Activating them and turning their eyes red. "After them!"
The barrel rats stood up and brought out their massive claws as they roared, causing everyone in the restaurant to start screaming as they rushed out to escape the animatronic creatures.
Meanwhile, Mabel was helping her uncle tie Will E. Badger to a dolly, pouting to herself. Dipper was keeping an eye out for employees, while Veronica was holding open the door. "It's just not fair. I worked so hard helping Soos find a date. I should be in there," she complained.
"Don't worry, Mabel. I'm sure the date's going fine," Dipper said reassuringly. "Patrick's there, remember?"
"And...Done," Stan said, successfully tying the animatronic up. "Out with the old, in with the new. I feel invincible!"
But before they could start moving Will E. Badger outside, the animatronic became possessed by .GIFfany and suddenly powered on. The badger broke free from its bonds and turned to punch Stan square in the jaw and knocking him to the ground.
"What the heck!" Mabel exclaimed, before being kicked back into Dipper by the animatronic.
"Wha- what the hell?!" Veronica shouted when she saw the badger come to life, shades glowing red.
"Who wants to get badgered?" Will E. Badger shouted threateningly as the kids and Stan screamed in terror.
Everyone but Patrick, Wendy, Soos, and Melody made it out of the restaurant. Just as they were about to make it out, the doors slammed shut on them. Trapping them inside the Hoo-Ha Owl's with .GIFfany and her minions.
"Ah, come on!" Patrick yelled in annoyance.
"I'm sorry, Soos, but you can't run away from our relationship!" .GIFfany said, taking control of the skeeball games. She made them shoot out a barrage of balls at the four.
Thinking fast, Patrick grabbed a metal pizza pan and used it to shield himself and Wendy, while Soos and Melody ducked their heads. Soos then ran over to one of the arcade games and pulled it down for cover. They all ducked behind it.
"So, about all this," Soos said, explaining to his confused and scared date. "I may have purchased a dating simulator that obtained sentience and went crazy."
"'Crazy', she's like a yandere version of Skynet!?" Patrick shouted when the balls stopped coming at them. He then raised out of cover and threw the pizza pan at .GIFfany.
The pan hit the beaver cheerleader in the head, but she continued coming towards them. "Oh, I am crazy. Crazy for you, Soos." The program said creepily and shot lightning at Patrick. Patrick ducked down before it could hit him, but his hair caught on fire. Wendy quickly patted out the small fire before it burned any longer.
"I'm so sorry, Melody! I'll fix this. It's me she wants," Soos declared bravely. "I'll distract her while Patrick and Wendy keep you safe! It's the only way!"
"You've got it!" Wendy said with Patrick nodding.
"Soos, these are children," Melody remarked as Soos climbed over the arcade and was pelted by more skeeballs.
"The only WAYYYY!" Soos shouted, before running into the fray, despite being hit by hard skeeballs. He ran past the beaver cheerleader as he rushed towards the kitchen. "Over here, .GIFfany!"
"Stop!" .GIFfany shouted after him. Using Patrick's idea, Soos picked up a serving plate and used it as a shield from the skeeballs. The two barrel rats stepped in front of his way to the kitchen, but Soos used the plate as a sled to slide under the attacking animatronics. Going under their claws and entering under the flip-open kitchen door. .GIFfany used her lightning to open the door as she chased after him.
Without his weapons with him, Patrick wasn't able to shoot or bash their way out of this situation. "On three we split." He told the girls. "One, two-" He was cut off when Big Beaver karate chopped the game in half.
"THREE!" Wendy cried as the three ran off.
Despite their best efforts at teamwork, the twins, Stan, and Veronica weren't faring much against Will E. Badger. The two elderly cousins were punched out of the door by the badger, as the kids were hanging onto the arms of the attacking animatronic. Punching and kicking him as best as they could, before Will E. Badger threw them off him.
"Stay back, you monster!" Veronica shouted, drawing her pistol and firing it into the head of the badger. Momentarily stopping it until she ran out of builts. After that, even with bullet holes and areas of its robotic skeleton showing, Will E. Badger was still moving.
Stan rushed at Willie and tried to punch him, but the badger caught his fist and gut-punched him. Knocking the wind out of his, before pushing him Gets into a pile of trash near the dumpster. Veronica reloaded, but Willie slapped her gun out of her hand and kicked her away.
"What the heck is going on with this thing!?" Dipper groaned, sitting up.
"Heck if I know!" Stan exclaimed, before looking up to see Willie standing over him and getting ready for the final punch.
"Look out!" Mabel warned. Stan and Veronica ducked their heads, and the punch just so happened to land into the open jaws of Old Goldie, who bit down on his hand.
Willie lifted his arm and let out a pained yell, as Goldie kept his firm grip on him. Crewing into the badger's arm and drawing oil from it. All while the Pines watched the slightly bizarre turn of events. Stan's look of shock turned to a proud smile as he cheered. "Yes, yes, get 'em, Goldie, get 'em!"
Wendy ran towards a table that had wooden chairs and grabbed one of them. She turned and faced the barrel rats that were attacking. With a battle cry, she swung at one of them and hit it in the head. Knocking it back. "You punk-ass rats messed up my date! Bad idea!" She yelled.
Meanwhile, Patrick was standing in front of Big Beaver. "I'm gonna eat your face like pizza!" The animatronic said, walking threateningly towards Patrick, before swiping his claw down at him. Patrick screamed and ducked to the side, avoiding the attack. But even though it missed, Big beaver hit the win button on an arcade game just at the right moment. Winning the big bonus and receiving a lot of tickets. He clapped his hands together, before Patrick came back over with a whack-a-mole hammer and swung it at the animatronic's head. Knocking it clear off.
The sound of screaming had him whipping his head around to see Melody being caught by the Cowboy Frog.
"Patrick!" Patrick gasped and turned his head to see Wendy in the grip of one of the barrel rats.
"Wendy!" Patrick yelled, before being grabbed from behind by the headless Big Beaver.
In the kitchen, .GIFfany was walking towards Soos, making him back away from her as she took calculated steps. "I've got you surrounded, Soos. There's no way out!" She said, making Soos look to his right to see his friends and date captured by the animatronics.
"Please, let my friends go, I'll do anything, I promise!" Soos begged.
"I seem to remember someone who promised to be my boyfriend," .GIFfany said, appearing on the screen to the right of the handyman. "Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date?" This started to eat at the handyman's courage and confidence. "I can download your brain into the game, with me," .GIFfany offered, with the beaver cheerleader extending a flash drive from its finger. She then pointed it at him. "And we'll be together, forever."
Soos quickly covered his belly button with his vest, as the flash drive extended towards Soos. "Stay back!" He yelled. In desperation, he threw everything he had in his pockets at the animatronic, which she easily dodged.
"Come on, Soos. Don't make me delete you too." .GIFfany patronized cheerfully as she drew closer to him.
Soos stepped further back until he bumped into the oven. He reached into his pocket again and pulled out the "Romance Academy 7" disc from his pocket. Realizing what he had to do, he turned back to .GIFfany.
"What do you say?"
"I say, game over, .GIFfany!" Soos boldly proclaimed, holding up the disc and opening the oven.
"No! Wait!" .GIFfany cried out in terror, but Soos threw the disc in the oven, where it started to distort and crinkle. The image of .GIFfany on the screen let out a shrill scream as her coding was destroyed, and then she disappeared. Erased completely from existence. The beaver cheerleader animatronic she possessed let out a high-pitched whine as its face melted off, before collapsing to the ground. Shutting down completely, along with the other animatronics as well.
Including Will E. Badger, who was still trying to get Goldie off his arm. When Willie finally shut down, he fell to the ground. "Whoa…" Dipper breathed.
"Did...Did Goldie just save us?" Veronica asked in disbelief.
"You're damn right he did!" Stan grinned as he picked up Goldie and hugged it tightly. "You did it! You old beautiful monster. You did it! How's about we hit the town? These old-has-beens' are going to Vegas!"
"Hell yeah!" Veronica cheered, as Mabel and Dipper ran back into the mall.
When they arrived, they were shocked by how wrecked Hoo-Ha's place was. They then spotted Patrick and Wendy sitting on the steps of the ball pit, eating whatever pizza was left together.
"Whoa! What did we miss?" Dipper asked, running over to his cousin with Mabel.
"Well, it turned out that Soos' game was actually this yandere A.I. and tried to kill us," Patrick said, taking another bite out of his pizza.
"What about the date? How did it go?" Mabel asked. Wendy then pointed over to where Soos and Melody were sitting amongst the destruction.
Soos sighed in defeat, looking over the mess that .GIFfany left behind. "I'm sorry for all of this. I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid."
"Believe it or not but I've been on worse dates," informed Melody.
"Really?"
"Never date a magician."
"Ew, why would I?" Soos grimaced, and Melody jokingly hit him and they both laughed together. Soos figured that it was now or never. "Oh! Hey, you aren't maybe interested in going to my cousin's engagement party in a week? I promise there's like zero robot badgers."
Melody chuckled. "Yeah. I'll still be in town then."
"Still be in town?" Soos frowned, confused
"I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks. But we can video chat, if that's okay with you?" Melody suggested, somewhat sad.
"A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer...sounds perfect!" Soos said happily. The new couple started laughing as the Pines Cousins and Wendy watched from where they were.
"Wow, so I guess Soos and Melody really are a couple," Patrick said with wide eyes, happy and proud for his friend.
"Yeah. I just hope that they'll stay together, even if they're far from one another," Wendy said, making Patrick pause for a moment, before looking at Wendy. He knew full well that when Summer came to an end, he was going to have to move back home with his cousins. It was an inevitability that Patrick was dreading for a while. But when Melody suggested video chatting, it made Patrick think about the possibilities of a long-distance relationship.
Patrick placed his hand on Wendy's and held it tightly. Gaining her attention, as she looked at him. Patrick smiled and peeked her on the lips. "For our sake, I certainly hope so," he said softly. The redhead smiled and kissed him on the lips, before leaning her head on his shoulder.
Mabel squealed happily and raised her arms high up. "Spirit of love, we did it!" She cheered.
But then four of them were caught off guard when Soos' Abuelita popped up out of the ball pit. Completely out of the blue. "Yes. Yes, I am so happy."
"Have you been following us all day?" Dipper questioned.
"Soos' life is my soap opera," she said, smiling.
AN: Happy Pride Month, everyone!
And so we have "Soos and the Real Girl" and this was a chapter that I liked writing. We finally got Soos together with Melody, and we got to see Patrick and Wendy try and have a real date. And we also got to see that Manly Dan doesn't particularly like Patrick.
You know, even if I wasn't to finish any of my other stories and have them be adopted by other writers (which will likely be the possibility for some of them), I think that it'll be my Disney fanfics that I'll definitely see to the end. With the exception of "Heroes of Tomorrow," because I like writing that one too.
As I'm working on my stories, I'll also be working on a little project that I hope to take further with me into the future. You see, I really want to get into the animation industry and creature cartoons like the ones I've grown up on. During my time in college, I've worked on an idea for an animated series I really wish to make into an actual series. In fact, I've created the animatic pilot of that show. Now, I'll be going back and reworking that pilot. Really fleshing it out, while also using the storyboard/animatic art style that I've used in past projects.
When I'm done with it, I'll post it to YouTube and I hope you all will give it a look.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm moving onto "Gem of War." For real this time.
Thank you very much for reading. "Weirder Things" will return. Please be sure to Favorite and Follow if you like the story and review it so that I know that I'm doing good and what to improve. If you have any questions or discussions, you'd have for me, then please in a Review or a PM me.
And please consider leaving a tip at my Ko-Fi page, I'd really appreciate the support.
Thank you for reading and in parting, I wish you all love, peace, health, God's blessing, and to have a wonderful day.