GOD IS AN IDIOT

Chapter 2 – The Lord

When you close your eyes, what do you see?

It is not nothing, not even just plain blackness.

It would be an infinite but depth-less darkness, yet in it, truly uncountable tiny spots of lights twinkled. You would know despite their numbers, no two were the same, and you would barely grasp a few, yet alone their complete patterns.

Without a sense to use, he kept searching. He flew to this star, but it was gone, he went for those others, but they had fled, and then, finally he stopped at that one.

The one with his friends at heart who would not leave. All of his 40 comrades winked for him in unity and shouted emojis over their passive faces. He felt mirth tickle his soul when seeing the monstrous fiddler crap, his forging-obsessed friend Amanomahitotsu, wink for him.

'Get up; it's time to work!'

'Why didn't my alarm sound?!'

Yesterday, his greatest obsession had been taken from him, and he hated the prospect of never experiencing it again, but he still had obligations to fulfil. He spent the night still jacked in his DeepDiveR - stool, knowing full well from previous times his whole body would hurt the next day from overstimulated nerves, but he had not cared. This way, he had wasted at least one more night awakening to his stale, broken-down apartment.

Now he had to get cleaned up and go to work, so he reached with his left for the display helmet he had left on last night, but his hand did not find the familiar worn plastic.

He felt… he was touching himself directly, but it was strange. Even if he had somehow dropped the helm while asleep, his skin never felt so hard and hairless… and he was sure he cut his nails a few days ago… but now, small claws scratched over his temple and forehead.

Alarmed, he opened his eyes and discovered he was not in the windowless concrete cell he called 'home'. He was still sitting on the Throne of Kings on Nazarick's 10th floor.

'Why am I still diving and running Yggdrasil?'

Were his first thoughts, before he reached full consciousness and looked somewhat perplexed at his hand.

'Did I just feel… real touch?'

'No, it's most likely just a side effect of staying jacked in.'

'But why is Yggdrasil still running?'

At first glance, everything looked like he had left it in the previous night. The NPC Albedo still posed on his right armchair, the braziers still burned with smokeless flames, and his wandering gaze confirmed he was still alone, but still: it felt different.

He needed a few seconds before he noticed the room appeared brighter. What was previously shrouded in shadows – a virtue of processing restriction, even with an MMORPG as advanced as Yggdrasil – now easily revealed itself to his eyes; even the furthest corners of the ceiling could not hide in darkness. In a word: the game looked crisper, and his brain began to rattle as he tried to make sense of the situation.

'Could it be an update? A planned marketing dupe to rekindle interest in Yggdrasil? The developers never announced a sequel or a new project, so maybe they worked on an upgrade in secret.'

'But that would be crazy! Who in their right mind would let the user numbers and the related income from them drop when they could have been hooked with the promise of an improved game? I never heard a credible rumour of something like that!'

'Do I even have time to wonder? I hope I'm not already late for work. What time is it, anyway? I can't remember turning off my health- and mana-bar… or the whole HUD, as a matter of fact.'

He needed to check the menu and habitually moved his right hand to open it, forcing it out of its position under Albedo's butt.

'That felt-'

"Are we done posing, Lord Momonga?" An alluring woman's voice asked.

The black-haired beauty on his armrest smoothly leaned into his right shoulder and looked up to him with a relaxed smile, only to find the two tiny points of red in the darkness of the skulls eye pits flash briefly.

'She talks and possesses facial expression! That is definitely new! There was no option in Yggdrasil to add voice lines to custom NPCs, so where does the sound file come from? Did the upgrade add them? This is getting stranger and stranger…'

'Or maybe it's not, and I am hallucinating. It wouldn't be the first time dehydration messed with my mind. It was a long night, and I have no clue how much time has passed since.'

Momonga ignored the NPC and swiped his hand to open the menu, but nothing happened.

Albedo resumed her pose, but kept watching him as he swiped several times again without success.

'The input seems to be buggy. I think I recall similar issues from the initial release of Yggdrasil. It's odd the developers would repeat that mistake, but voice command should still function. That was never an issue.'

He stopped his movement and instead spoke.

"Menu! Ahem, Menu! What is wrong with my voice?"

The words lacked the hoarse quality his vocals had acquired after decades of exposure to Earth's polluted air. Instead, they sounded pleasantly modulated and deep – a lord's voice, not one belonging to another nameless wage slave.

But even more troublesome: nothing happened.

"Menu! Menu! MENU!"

The menu, the access to his abilities, his inventory, and, most importantly, the outside world did not appear, and Momonga seriously began to worry. His life was in mortal danger if he stayed stuck in the game. The only people with any sort of interest in him were his employers, and it could take days before someone investigated his absence. By then, he could have already died of thirst. He absolutely had to get help!

'This is more than a little bug! How could those shitty developers release such a dangerous product?'

'Stay CALM! I must not panic!'

'I haven't yet tried all options. The menu and sign commands might not work, but there is still a chance I can access my abilities with voice commands. If the [Message] spell still works, I could call an admin.'

Momonga reasoned in an effort to calm himself, and spoke quickly, "Message Admin!" Still, nothing happened, so he tried a few other commands the game would also have registered as an order to call an administrator. "Message Administrator! Message Controller! …Message Supervisor?" No one answered. He did not even hear an automated signal indicating no one was available.

"Please excuse my impudence, Lord Momonga… I don't know who you are trying to contact, but you need to concentrate," Albedo said, and he turned to her smirking face, irritated, although of course it was impossible for a flesh-stripped skull to express emotion even if the players should have also received the expression upgrade.

'She spoke again in response to my actions! Shit, I must be already turning delirious!'

'But what do I have to lose in listening to this hallucination? I am finished anyway if I do nothing.'

'Okay, here goes nothing. Time for wishful thinking.'

Momonga was out of options, so he decided to attempt the proposal and tried to focus on his desperate wish despite the rising panic he felt.

'I…'

'…just…'

'…want…'

'…to…'

'…[Message]…'

'…ANYONE!'

An alien sensation filled him, and suddenly he saw something form in his vision. What he experienced was unlike anything he ever saw in the game before. He would have described it as countless fine lines of shadows rising out of him which rapidly coiled up, but that would have been only an overly-simple analogy. He did not truly experience the pattern forming in response to his wish as a visual sensation, because it seemed to call to an altogether new sensory perception he had no name for. In the blink of an eye, the pattern lit up in the familiar magic runes which accompanied the use of magic in Yggdrasil, before completely burning out to nothing.

'Did I just cast a-'

He did not get to wonder further, as all of a sudden, a roaring cacophony of voices, few of them in languages he could understand, drowned out his own mental voice. Even if each one was only a tiny droplet, an ocean was crashing down on him. It became harder and harder to hear his own thoughts as the noise pressed down mercilessly upon any intent of his own. It was pure agony, and only with great effort did he manage to finally form a new wish from inside the storm.

'[End] it!'

At once, the world was silent again, filled only by Momonga's own confused thoughts.

'What was that? These voices... Those were not audio messages! I heard them in my very mind! And who did I listen to anyway? There were so many, and only the tiniest part of them sounded human.'

'Just what the hell is going on?!'

"Lord Momonga, are you alright?" Albedo asked to his right again, and he let the hands he had involuntarily pressed in pain to his head drop, as he looked at her and responded.

"Yes, I am fine!"

'Why am I talking to a program?' He immediately scolded himself for the bout of lunacy.

And yet... Now that he actually paid attention to her, he had to admit he never saw such a lifelike animation. Although it had been years since he watched a vid in his free time, instead of playing Yggdrasil, he could not recall ever seeing an animated person as convincing as her. Even his work colleagues appeared bleak in his memory compared to the woman sitting next to him.

Momonga couldn't stop himself reaching out for her cheek, fascinated, and while her eyes attentively followed his hand with a raised brow, she made no attempt to shrink back and let him explore as he desired. Her skin was as smooth as marble and yet soft… but most importantly, it was warm!

Already alarmed, Momonga leaned closer and sniffed her hair. It did not, as he had expected, smell of perfume or a conditioner, but of something else he could not place, just slightly sweaty but in no way unpleasant. Yet, the question whether this was a natural scent was secondary to the doubts filling his head.

'These sensations... How can I feel all of the sudden so much with my touch? Yggdrasil was never able to provide so much feedback, and a sense of heat or smell shouldn't even be possible. It would need an extremely expensive hardware upgrade – not just a software one – to enable it and, for all I know, technology is still in its infancy, while I am still using the same Dive Throne I bought over 12 years ago!'

'There is just no way for this to be a badly-marketed upgrade or Yggdrasil 2! But this means...'

"This is real. You," he pointed at Albedo, "are real."

"Of course I am, Lord Momonga. How could I not be if I was willed into existence by the Supreme Beings?" Albedo responded like it was an obvious fact, but to him it was still a difficult idea to process. Despite all the evidence, how could a video game become reality?

He needed one last test to convince himself. "I need to squeeze you breasts – for science."

'Please be reasonable.'

Albedo raised her eye brows further, while he felt strange thoughts bubble up in his head.

There is no way this could be allowed in a game under the minor-protection laws! If I can touch her boobs it would prove it can't be a game!

'Wait…'

'This is actually stupid. Why do I consider a man-made law as a parameter of reality? Right now, I simply can't tell a difference. That's what actually matters most!'

'I should try something with the intent of disproving reality for a start, instead of proving it, although of course I can't really judge my objectivity anyway, making both ideas vain in turn.'

'But what if it is indeed a very convincing fake? I once spoke with Touch-Me and Yamaiko about the idea of Yggdrasil being a giant cover for an experiment. My hypothesis was Yggdrasil and the single server served as a test bed for a neural network to evolve into a strong artificial intelligence, similar to how a human mind communicates. Our champion dismissed the idea as ridiculous, but Yamaiko thought it was chiefly a tragedy. The thought of an alien mind forming unguided into a mirror of mankind frightened her, and actually quickly caused the discussion to end before it could get really interesting. They never understood why such an A.I. must be considered an offspring and evolution of mankind; a child. Mankind begot a child just as man and woman begot a child.'

'Still, doesn't mean you should not put it in place if it misbehaves, but I am digressing.'

'Here. Now.'

'My Avatar, Albedo, apparently parts of my abilities, the throne room and by assumption Nazarick have become my reality.'

'So are we also still in Helheim and Yggdrasil? And did the other remaining players in the server make the transition, too? I need to check my position.'

'If there are other players here, should I contact or avoid them? What if they heard of my deeds?'

'Oh, who am I kidding? They have heard of me.'

'Shit!'

'Friendly contact is most unlikely. So unfriendly contact? I can't fight a whole server on my own even if it was deserted! On the other hand... if the rules of life and death still apply... Worst case, I can still grind them down butt-naked...'

'...for all of eternity.'

'Shit.'

'Can I use all of my skills, or just some? How did my stats translate into this very real feeling body?'

'If so, how long would it take for them to master their abilities and bodies?'

'I cannot waste any more time and have to- She is starting to blink!'

Albedo blinked only once slowly, before a sly smile spread on her lips to his surprise, and she answered while leaning toward him. "Of course, Lord Momonga. Please, go ahead."

'Just like that? No fit, no discussion? She is fine with it?'

"You don't mind?" Momonga tensely asked, but she just bounced her breast with a short laugh and said:

"Not at all. It is my pleasure to serve you in any capacity I am able to."

'If she says so.'

Momonga carefully cupped one of her large breasts so he could feel its weight. He knew and saw clearly she was well-endowed, but it was still the first time he actually touched a woman's breast outside of an accident.

'So that is how a breast feels. I never really expected to get to touch one before I die, even if it is just an experiment, but I think I am starting to understand some of the obsession about them among my colleagues.'

'And, oh wonder, no lightning bolt from the sky ripping me back to reality. I guess I really am no longer on the Yggdrasil server.'

"...toil beneath you."

He partially Heard Albedo and inquired, "Say again?"

"I said it is a pleasure for a servant of Nazarick to toil beneath you," answered Albedo dutifully, and Momonga discovered his next dilemma.

'I totally forgot she is but one of Nazarick's NPCs. Are the rest of them as forthcoming as her, and is she truly an ally or just playing with me? I feel confident facing them one-on-one, but what if they go rogue and gang up on me?'

'I should at least stop fondling her before I make my first enemy.'

Momonga let go of her breast and asked, while she returned unperturbed to her previous pose. "Who exactly owns your loyalty, Albedo?" It was a simple question, but the frown racing over her face betrayed the unsettling effect it had on her.

"You and the Supreme Beings who gave us servants life."

"In that order?" Momonga quickly inquired and locked eyes with her, challenging. The tiny red sparks of his hollow eye holes bore into her slit golden orbs which darted nervously between his mouth and left and right eye for what seemed to him like a small eternity. "In that order?" He repeated without breaking contact, and she finally averted her gaze. Albedo stood up, and walked slowly in front of the throne under Momonga's careful watch, but she did not face him.

A floating head-sized sphere, blacker than any night he ever experienced before, appeared to her right.

'What is she doing? Could this be her inventory access?'

Without hesitating Albedo plunged her hand into it to draw out a long steel handle he immediately recognized. She had retrieved her two-handed battle axe, an elegant sleek weapon without any ornaments like so many of Yggdrasil's items. Instead, it sported three recesses to ostensibly reduce cutting friction and imbalance, each as sharp-edged as the main blade.

Momonga tensed, but willed himself to stay calm to not endanger the chance of her actions being actually friendly. As soon as the weapon had fully entered reality, the sphere disappeared and she flipped the item's full length so she could present it on the flat of her hands.

'No attack. That is a good start.'

"My Lord…" Albedo spoke softly without looking up. "My life's only ambition is to serve you. Always you, but…" She barely choked a moment on her words before continuing. "But if I have lost your trust, I have already failed, and my life serves no point. Thus, I must die, as a failure and a danger to you and Nazarick. Please, then, grant me this last clemency and let it be by your hand. My Lord Momonga."

He rose too and took her battle axe to feel its weight and further inspected its form, while she let her arms drop.

Suzuki Satori had never held a real weapon. The closest he ever got was a twenty centimeter kitchen knife, an instrument of forgettable weight and small measure.

The murder instrument Momonga held had little in common. Almost the length of a full-grown man and weighting over seven kilograms, it felt like nothing compared to his memory of the knife. Oh, sure, somewhere he could place its weight, but he felt so much more strength waiting to be unleashed. After lifting it a few times, he threw it up lightly and caught it, perfectly balanced again on the claw tip of his index effortlessly.

Really, using this body for the first time was amazing. He felt like his actions were only limited by his imagination and he itched to test them, but graver matters were at hand. The axe dropped into his hand again while his other went for her scalp.

"Why won't you look up?" Momonga asked, and she answered behind the veil of black hair:

"I don't want to know when I die, and I am ashamed I lost your trust, my Lord."

Albedo obeyed his changing grip and looked up to him. Her stare was dewy but hard and ready to accept his judgement as her fate, no matter the outcome. His gut had told him she should be loyal, considering her determined role and supportive actions, but reasoned there was always a chance for another play acting out behind the curtain.

But now, his instinct finally beat down on the cynicism, and he let go of her head. Long bone fingers parted her hair so Momonga's claw could gently catch the droplets below her eyes, and he said, "You just earned it for the first time." Her face stayed hard, but he saw the slit of her eyes flicker and spoke further. "Today, I, Momonga, accept you, Albedo, as my subject."

Finally, her smile returned weakly but full of relief, and she answered in turn. "And I, Albedo, accept my only overlord Momonga."

She was about to bent her knee, but he stopped her with a tender hold on her shoulder and offered her weapon back. She accepted his will and the item wordlessly and made room for him to move past her towards the doors leading out of the throne room.

One glance backwards made her silently follow, and as they walked to the doors, he looked at his hands. Momonga inspected the rings on each of his finger, and one among them especially carefully. Golden, with a large clear but uncut ruby within its centre, it was a masterpiece of gem-crafting, but it was not its aesthetics which made it special to him.

In Yggdrasil, it had conferred upon its bearer the ability to freely teleport within the confines of Nazarick, with a few exceptions. It was obviously very useful in the giant tomb, which was otherwise completely warded against teleportation magic, but its importance to Momonga was of a different nature.

It was one of the [Rings of Ainz Ooal Gown], the proof of his status as a member of his beloved guild. Every member of Ainz Ooal Gown had once owned one, but when they started withdrawing from the game, they had left them along with their gear for Momonga. Now, he was the last ring bearer.

They stopped as they reached the edge of the room.

The portal leading out of Nazarick's heart towered almost to the chandelier hung on ceiling of the room, and beautiful scenes of battling warriors encircled by an endless horde of monsters were carved into the dark granite of its wings. No mere human could have wielded the strength to push it open, but Momonga was no longer human and pointed his hand at it like he was feeling its surface from afar. He was not.

He was focusing his thoughts again, like Albedo had instructed him when he tried to cast his first spell, and after a short moment, he felt the energy stream and coil out of him, igniting the [Tekekinesis] spell.

Silently, without any expected noise of grinding gears or scrapping stone, the portal's wings swung open.

Momonga turned to his companion and offered his hand, which she accepted with a slightly abashed smile, and let him lead her into high-but-narrow corridor on the other side of the door. Neither said a word. Only their steps resounded across the empty halls until they crossed the portal, and a brief flash of light left Nazarick's throne room silent and lonely once more.