GOD IS AN IDIOT
Chapter 3 – The Fisherman
In the blink of an eye, Momonga left the throne room of Nazarick behind. Instead of following the corridor leading to the room of the Pleiades Six Star, the combat maids and last line of a token defence, his skeletal foot touched down in a small and dark hall.
He let go of Albedo's white gloved hand, who had been teleported alongside him by the power of the [Ring of Ainz Ooal Gown], and looked around. The centre of the unlit room was dominated by the wide steps leading further down behind them, each made of the same spotless black granite also covering the ground and plain walls. Though aesthetically pleasing, the true centrepiece decor of the room was hidden above them.
Only thanks to his enhanced senses could he appreciate the artful reliefs in the gem-studded ceiling. Shallow carvings of the zodiac signs like the Lion, Water-Bearer and the Twins, but also many more mostly-forgotten ones circled the empty, gem-free centre of the dome. Momonga had of course known of them – he had passed this room almost every night for the past twelve years – but only now did he begin to realize what enormous piece of art Nazarick truly was. Now that he thought about it, he could not remember ever seeing another dungeon in Yggdrasil sporting a decor of similar quality and intricacy.
'It appears Nazarick made the transition in its entirety as well; otherwise, it would have been a strange coincidence if everything else was left behind. Maybe she knows more? After all, she does not appear to have noticed any change at all.' Momonga mused before he addressed his Guardian Overseer. "Albedo, can you confirm Nazarick's wholeness? Is everything still intact?"
"One moment please, my Lord," the fallen angel dutifully answered, before placing a finger to her temple and concentrating. Momonga observed her for a moment and quickly noticed, although her features remained impassive, her eyes revealed with their slight movements and changes, she was having a mental conversation, before his attention was drawn to the steps leading down to the second level.
Something familiar from down there called out to him through the stench of decay welling up from the deep. Momonga focused on it, and at once instinctively realized it was not something, but many things he felt moving below him in orderly formations he immediately associated with the layout of the level. Most of them felt faint, almost insignificant, but one presence eclipsed them all by far, even combined, and a realization hit him.
'Is this how my skill [Undead Blessing] expresses itself now? Are those the guardian Shalltear Bloodfallen and the undead defending the first three floors?'
"Lord Momonga?" Albedo broke his contemplation, and he turned from the stairs towards her to hear her report. "All guardians answered and confirmed Nazarick's integrity. Everyone is on their post and none reported any damage."
"Noted. Thank you, Albedo," Momonga said and walked towards the heavy metal doors opposite the stairs, while she accepted the praise with a dignified smile and a small bow. He placed his hands on the flat surface of both of its wings and noticed immediately how warm they felt, not cold as he had anticipated.
'Helheim was supposed to be world of shadows and freezing cold, yet the door feels warm?'
His hands traveled further down the metal till they got hold of the two rings serving as handles for Nazarick's entrance… and pulled. A bright rift opened before him.
'This is not Helheim!'
He was greeted outside by a sunny blue day and lush trees beyond the plaza and the high walls surrounding the entrance of Nazarick, instead of Helheim's perpetual twilight and dead woods. Momonga strode through the door on the paved walkway crossing the two rings of columns between the outer wall and the Dorian temple hiding the Great Tomb beneath it and, despite the needlessness, took a deep breath.
The air lacked the sour smell and fine dust of the world he was born on. It was fresh and clean, and carried so many aromas the earthling Suzuki Satoru could have never even imagined.
'So it can't be Earth or Helheim, which could turn out to be a blessing or a curse. Maybe it was only Nazarick and its denizens who had left Yggdrasil, but if so, where to? Is this a dangerous place, was it already inhabited… and if so, do those inhabitants pose a threat to the Tomb?'
Albedo followed and quickly raised her arm with an annoyed grunt to shield her eyes once she stepped in the bright midday sun. "Ugh! Please excuse me for a moment, Lord Momonga. I need a few seconds to get used to the light. It is my first time outside the throne room."
"Ha. Ha ha..."
Momonga only chuckled, and Albedo asked with the faintest note of annoyance, "Does my suffering please you, my Lord?"
He swiftly calmed down and denied with a final puff. "Not at all. I was amused because…" Momonga turned around, pointing with wide arms and a minimal nod to his sides. "I'll have to adventure."
Albedo rose one brow. He spoke merrily on, "I will take a self-educated crash course in 'this place'."
Momonga pointed with both index fingers at the ground below him.
"And to do that safely, I need your help."
Albedo's second brow and mouth's corners began to follow their pair... "Here, in Nazarick?" …and immediately slipped and crashed, but still she dutifully answered without flinching one muscle.
"Of course. I am happy to serve... What is it you require of me?"
Momonga stalled a moment, before asking in turn, "Do you feel alright?"
Albedo waved his scrutiny away, although her face didn't get better. "No, no, my Lord, I will be fine; must be still adjusting to the light. Please, tell me what you need."
She didn't sound very enthusiastic, but she brought to Momonga's mind some of his old colleagues. The poor sods really had suffered from even the shortest amounts of true environmental exposure, always coughing for a few minutes right after arriving at office. It would have been unfair to hold that slip against her, so he got to the point to minimize her time of suffering.
"What I need is you confirming the loyalty of all of Nazarick's denizens to me."
Albedo shook off her state and turned serious. After a moment of thought, she asked, "Loyal to you, the Lord of Nazarick, or loyal to the last Supreme Being, Lord Momonga?"
'Clever girl.'
"Ha ha ha… You understand!"
"I do, my Lord. I will be meticulous and discrete." Albedo confirmed with a faint blush and short aversion of her eyes. When she looked back again, she faced Momonga's flat hand and a gold ruby ring.
"Take the [Ring of Ainz Ooal Gown]," Momonga spoke calmly in a low tone. "If it comes to a fight and you are not absolutely sure you will win, run!."
Albedo disbelievingly picked the ring, when his large hard fingers closed around her slender ones and his other hand secured hers. It stopped her show of gratitude in its tracks, giving time for Momonga to calmly remind her again. "You will run."
He did not command her. He only stated it as it was.
Momonga carefully opened her hand again. He picked the ring himself adroitly between the tip of two claws and placed it over her ring finger. Albedo stared in wonder at the jewel as she held her right hand like a tiny pup, till Momonga's voice broke the spell.
"In the meantime, I will try to learn as much as possible to allow us a first evaluation of our situation."
"Us…" Albedo muttered briefly, before asking, "And how long will you be gone, my Lord?"
"Not long, I hope – a few days. Do not worry so much, I know how to take care of myself."
"Hah! If nothing else, my Lord…" Albedo snorted, amused, and tried hard to suppress more slips of protocol. Momonga lightly grunted too in sympathy by sheer habit, although his skull could not express any emotion besides an unhinged jaw, letting the happy moment simply happen.
Both soon composed themselves again and watched the other: Momonga like a timeless statue from the cemetery and her with a tired, but content smile. "Lord Momonga..."
"Yes?"
"Please accept this little blessing."
Before he could wonder what she was talking about, Albedo leaned on his chest, tiptoeing, and placed a small kiss on his cheek. He was still dumbstruck as she went down again and quickly walked back into the Tomb with this parting words:
"Best of luck to you, my Lord."
She vanished in a flash as soon as she stepped into the shadow of the temple's interior, and Momonga stood alone, locked out of his home by his own liar's paranoia.
'Well, time to have fun.'
The End happily clapped his hands and stretched one leg to spin a full 180 degrees, and marched full stride to the walls, while merrily singing.
"Freude schöner Götterfunke, Tochter aus Elysium..."
Momonga reached the portal leading outside of Nazarick's bounds, with the forest's plants just beyond the stones, and raised one finger.
"Wir betreten feuertrunken Himmlische, dein Heiligtum..."
Some may have theorized about the butterfly effect causing a hurricane, but none could have imagined the wiggle effect of Momonga's index. The trees, the bushes, the scrub and the little rat-tailed hamster who faked its death in his presence were sucked away, and a brief flash of blinding light later, his path was clear. Momonga happily walked on into the hundred-meter wide flat pan on the blackened earth, while the trees beyond burned.
"Deine Zauber binden wieder, was der Mode Schwerd getheilt..."
The uncountable sparks of the forest fire found a will of their own as he passed the pan's lowest point. They flowed like swarms of locust who all wanted to eat each other first and themselves second.
As Momonga stopped on the way up, the sparks had formed a towering brutish shape. With a last puff of flames, they quickly stabilized into a gigantic dragon headed djinn made of fire and smoke, a primal fire elemental who bellowed its challenge.
"Bettler werden Fürstenbrüder..."
The Staff of Ainz Ooal Gown appeared with a spin in his left hand, and Momonga accepted his summoned foe's threat with a rising finger as he turned to face him.
"Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt."
12 kilometres west of Nazarick, at the edge of the Great Forest of Tob, raced 46 hearts. Although every one of their human holders carried the same dark gray uniform gown with white accents, each heart was driven by a unique feeling. One beat with impatience as it watched the village two kilometres over the open plain north of them.
Another felt satisfaction in the warm afternoon sun, as the still air carried faint melodies of ringing steel and wailing screams, while his young neighbour feared for the safety of those brothers they had sent into the little settlement.
Their Captain's heart was facing off against his brains. It was his command which had sent the Theocracy's knights into this insignificant clustering of human life to kill indiscriminatingly. Over a hundred souls would be lost to oblivion, just like the good seven hundred who already had perished, also at his command. Close to a thousand souls discarded, just, so one more man would die. That man compromised much of the strength of an already-failing Kingdom, a nation which had become inept by the arrogance and waste of its leading caste and threatened to drag down all of mankind with it when its inevitable collapse would set in.
The sick Kingdom had to fall soon, so humanity as a whole could heal that festering wound.
But those poor people they had slaughtered were not the ones who gambled with mankind's future. They had been honest, hardy folk who had the will and nerves to eke out a living in the dangerous frontier. To him, the bravest men and women in the world were not soldiers, heroes or kings, but the weak settlers who expanded civilizations borders. They were the first who faced most of the terrifying threats besetting mankind.
Bandits hassled the populace, and sometimes magic would drive its wielder mad, but how could that compare to the alien danger outside? There were eldritch artefacts of nightmarish power out there, monster which were plain and simply impossible to defeat by human might, and, of course, beastmen.
Captain Nigun Grid Luin suppressed a shudder when he thought about some of the scenarios strategic intelligence back in Humanitas, the Theocracy's capital, had researched. Just a beastmen mass migration or unification could turn out, at worst, in human extinction. Thankfully, they, the Sunlight Scripture of the Slane Theocracy, did good work in stopping the demi-humans from gathering strength and cooperating by carefully orchestrating operations all over the borders of the human realms.
But there were so many more threats and he and his comrades had to trust their brothers from the other Scriptures to protect them. That also meant sometimes accepting their help, just as at times they would make use of the Sunlight Scripture's proficiency for assassination. Considering the monstrous strength of their target, Nigun felt it only prudent to have asked his Scripture for help.
They were expected to suffer the least casualties when facing the trump card of the kingdom, who was supposed to be as strong as an adamantite adventurer, the pinnacle of human might. Nigun still worried who among his men – or maybe even him – would not return home, while Captain Luin was assured of their victory and reminded the civilian in him to accept the facts of the world. It was his lot to sacrifice human life to save more human life in the long run.
His duty required him to calculate in souls, and their target had the misfortune of ending on the expense pages of humanity's books… ,that needed to be addressed.
On that note, Nigun stopped squinting through leaves and twigs at the village and looked down to his comrade Jedos, who was squatting down to his right and staring on the pages of a tome of divination. It was a, relatively speaking of course, cheap item and yet among the most vital gear of all Scriptures, as it allowed a 3rd-Tier divine magic caster to sustain the spell [Farsight] indefinitely.
Nigun's sky-blue eyes had gazed upon the sky long enough, and now, they were waiting for their target to finally arrive. Jedos had discovered more than four dozen riders heading for the bait an hour ago. Once they passed open land, he was able to confirm Gazef Strongoff, the Warrior Captain and champion of King Rampusa the Third of Re-Estize, led them.
Gazef was expected to arrive within minutes, and Nigun's men were already finishing their last preparations. They were all picked from the elite of mankind, and adventurers equal to platinum or mythril rank, talented men and women who were at least capable of casting Tier Three divine spells. He himself considered himself around orichalcum rank, and could comfortably cast Tier Four magic, although the realm of a [Revive]-like spell were far out of his reach. Still, he felt confidently protected, even against the adamantite-level might of Gazef Strongoff, since he, along with his team, had cast [Divine Shield] and [Limited Resistance] on himself, in addition to reassuring confidence and clarity his [Blessing] had bestowed upon the Scripture. Even his robes offered him the protection of mythril-hardened full-plate armour thanks to his enchanted [Amulet of Protection].
Right now, his troops prepared their scrolls, a choice left to the personal taste and strengths of the individual member. Satisfied with his men's concentration on the task, Nigun looked to his left for his Lieutenant, and found the spot empty.
Annoyed, he began to look around, when he heard a rustle in the bushes behind them. It was the missing officer, who quickly scurried back to his post while closing the last buttons of his robe. His name was Detleev, one of the oldest team members, and unfortunately that fact was starting to show. Nigun had noticed him becoming slower with time, and if his bladder was now acting up too, he should discharge him honourably and point him to a healer after the hit… before he got himself killed. He could continue his service by sharing his experience to the next generation, after all.
Detleev took his place to Nigun's left with a sheepish grin under his wide grey moustachio, which quickly faltered as he saw Nigun's testy frown. His wrinkled neck and forehead creased, as he asked, "What?"
No title in his address, and no thought of what he might have done wrong. Just a year before, Detleev could have divined entire maneuver commands simply by watching Nigun's demeanour, and now he failed to notice his superior's displeasure. If he couldn't even recognize his neglect of duty, then he was way past the discharge point.
Nigun had decided. This would be Detleev's last field mission. For the moment, he would look past his Lieutenant mistake's in light of his previous exemplary service and leave him a good last day.
"We are minutes away from battle."
"So?"
"So I hoped to pray with all of my battle brothers!" Nigun retorted angrily, but also with concern for his friend. Was he really fit to fight? If he entered battle detached, he could cause not only his death, but that of his comrades too. He had to make sure.
"Detleev, what is going on?" Nigun asked, and hoped the lieutenant would come clean on his own.
Detleev visibly tensed for a moment before he loosened the mask secured on his belt. Although the masks of Sunlight Scripture were not particularly cool or pretty-looking, resembling upside-down cylinder hats with a non-transparent porthole, they counted among their most vital equipment like the Tome of Divination. They provided their wearers with a myriad of information like physiological integrity, I.F.F., trajectory predictions and more, if the user possessed the experience to access them. Nigun himself was considered a masterful user and could link the feed and information-processing ability of his men thanks to his deep familiarity with the item.
But the Captain felt Detleev had not taken ahold of the mask for its usefulness. The Scripture's masks were also a source of strength for the team. Behind the masks, none would see the fear and anxiousness their still human hearts suffered, not even their comrades. Behind the mask, they found fearless professionals and warriors to protect their back, so they would be able to finish their own mission no matter the cost.
A childish trick, especially since everyone in the Scripture knew of it, and still it had yet to fail. Detleev clenched the fabric tighter with a humourless grin, and finally deigned to properly address his superior officer. "Sir, I am sorry for my misbehaviour. I have matters to resolve at home. It does not belong here and won't happen again, Captain. The mission will be all on my mind, I promise!"
Nigun believed him – or rather, he believed the battle lust he saw flashing in his friend's eyes. He had fought many battles at Detleev's side, often as his subordinate, and had seen the eagerness to face the enemy before filling the lieutenant, but never as intense as today. Nigun wondered if Detleev already suspected his coming retirement and was thus so motivated. If so, it would hopefully be enough to carry him also this last day.
"Then that shall be enough for me. Get on your knee. Brothers, all of you!" Nigun called to the men and women, including Detleev, with a full and strong voice. "Our target, Gazef Strongoff the Warrior Captain, will soon reach the village and our comrades in arms. Bend your knee and let's pray together as the God of Fire has taught us, so we will face the enemy with pure hearts and clear minds!"
Unlike all his soldiers, Nigun did not went down on his knees to avert his gaze with a hand touching his forehead in contemplation. His gaze stayed fixed on the open field surrounding the village, as he started to lead the prayer.
"I shall conquer what has never been conquered, defeat shall not be my creed. I shall believe where all those before me have doubted. I shall always endeavour to uphold the prestige, honor, and respect of my Scripture. I have trained my mind, and now, my body shall follow.
"Who am I?"
The Sunlight Scripture answered with fervour in total unity. "I AM A CHAMPION!"
Nigun continued, "I comprehend I am an elite warrior, who arrived at the cutting edge of battle by any means necessary. I accept my siblingsexpect me to move further, faster, and fight harder than our opponents. Never shall I fail my brothers. I shall always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight. I shall shoulder more than my share of the task, whatever it may be, one hundred percent and more, because I have surrendered me for we.
"Who am I?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!" The team answered.
"Gallantly shall I show I am a specially-selected and well-trained warrior. My heart and my soul shall fuel my body when my limbs are too weary. Although I may falter, I shall never lose focus as long as there is hope in my mind and beat in my heart. I shall never give in to the evil that is weakness, and I shall fight that evil to my dying breath.
"Who am I?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"Energetically shall I meet my enemies, many shall challenge me, but none shall stop me from my goal. I am not the strongest, I am not the fastest; I am good because I have found something worth fighting for, and I shall fight with all my might. Surrender is not a champion's word. I shall never leave a brother to fall at the hands of an enemy. And under no circumstances shall I surrender, for my ears are deaf to the word 'can't'.
"Who am I?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"Readily shall I display the discipline and strength required to fight on to my objective, and I shall complete my mission. I shall rise when I have fallen, to rip the heart from my enemy and leave it beating on the ground. My enemy shall both fear and respect me. If he does not, I shall make him respect me with all I have to give.
"Who am I?"
"I AM CHAMPION!"
"History shall remember my name, but he does not have to be kind, for I have denied his criticisms and put in my own praise. No one defines me, and no one decides what I can't achieve. None shall say I haven't given all I have to give, and none shall take my glory. For those who have stood by me, I shall fight for, and for those who have deserted me, I shall crush.
"Who am I?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"Who am I?!"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
"WHO AM I!?"
"I AM A CHAMPION!"
Finished and pumped up, the Scripture rose as one and donned their masks, just as they saw a large group of riders appear on the plain from the west. They were too far away to distinguish individually soldiers, but they were headed straight for the small village a good kilometre ahead on their path. Nigun had no doubt it had to be Gazef Strongoff, and his entourage who rode perpendicular to their way to the village.
The Theocracy's soldiers should have been well-entrenched in the depopulated huts by now. Two of his men, Magelan and Fiora, had accompanied them to help them in preparing the ambush with ordinary and magical traps, then hide effectively afterwards. 'That should give them enough time to hold out against the might of a legendary warrior like Gazef… with acceptable losses, till the rest of the Scripture has surrounded them.'
"Men, get ready!"
Nigun ordered, and could see his men tense. As soon as the Kingdom's troops have entered the village, they would sprint over the plain. Normally, an ambush and surrounding manoeuvre would have been suicidal against half a company on horses on an open field under Gazef's command, but Nigun had requested Scrolls of [Lesser Speed] after studying the Theocracy's maps of the land. Aided by the magic, his men would need less than two minutes to reach the settlement and overwhelm Gazef, before he could bring his individual power to bear.
"Which one of them is Gazef?" Nigun asked as they saw the riders spur on their mounts for the last kilometre.
Jedos, still glued to his tome as he had been during the prayer, answered crisply, "The third rider from the front."
"What? That big fellow?" Detleev asked disbelievingly as he pointed at the front of the force.
"Yes-" Jedos tried to confirm, but suddenly the massive rider fell from his horse. The rest of the men all passed the now-abandoned horse before they managed to stop.
Nigun tried to make sense of the unexpected situations and turned to his intelligence officer. "Jedos?"
"I have no idea what happened, Sir. One moment ago, I still saw Strongoff secure in his saddle, the next he just dropped!" Jedos answered quickly, betraying his own confusion. Nigun himself had no clue what could be going on over there, and had to reconsider their situation before he made a mistake which would cost his team.
"Hold!"
As ordered, they continued watching the Kingdom's troops. As all of the Scripture was as bewildered as him, none spoke and they could faintly hear the riders' shouts carry over the plain, though they could not discern the words spoken.
One of them separated from the bulk and dismounted to make his way to the spot the captain had fallen. He had almost reached him when a dazzling lightning bolt shot down out of the blue sky on the form of the fallen hero, and made everything else appear dark and grey compared to the light it emitted.
"Merciful gods above!" Nigun cursed – way more refined than his men – as he tried to make sense of what was happening right before their eyes. The riders in the distance struggled with keeping their mounts under control after the lightning bolt panicked them; all the while, the Scripture's captain hectically tried to think of the next steps.
In order to finish their mission of eliminating Gazef Strongoff, they had also to secure his corpse, so he could not be brought back to live by revivification magic. Even if the Warrior Captain was indeed dead, they would have to enter the field of battle and secure his body, but now the risk to the Scripture would be much diminished, opening the possibility to simply attack the individually far weaker entourage head-on without suffering permanent losses.
Nigun was about to order his men to attack, when a chilling high-pitched scream pierced the evening air. He followed Detleev's slack-jawed line of sight and saw a long-tailed winged monster dive down on the panicking riders, who hurriedly spread out to avoid the claws of its grasping hind legs.
The men and women of the Sunlight Scripture could only watch speechlessly as the beast claimed Gazef's corpse with a triumphant cry, and carried him away past the treeline over the vast sea of green which was the Great Forest of Tob. All that was left to Nigun was wondering in disbelief.
"...holy …shit..."