GOD IS AN IDIOT
Chapter 12 – The Role Model
"Elyah Weh Deos, are you listening? Are you there?" Nigun asked, while he drew on the blackboard before him a wide circle with a dot in its centre. His answer were several hushed chuckles. He asked again while writing 'you' below the dot. "Elyah Weh Deos, answer me!"
The chuckles turned louder, and with a sigh, Nigun turned around and faced his classroom. Class 580-19, 30 teenagers between age 13 and 14, faced him with straight backs and knowing smiles, while one of them snored with his face propped on his fist.
'Again?'
Nigun gestured to his class with a finger to his lips, silently walking between the rows till he faced directly down at Elyah.
The pimple-infested brat with the long brown curls and fashionable jacket always stood out between classes as a sort of self-styled entertainer and loudmouth, bragging about supposed martial skills and tactical insights while barely having any meat to his frame and more than half a book in his head. Nigun had watched him for some time, noted how he liked to draw attention to himself and take charge of discussions by the power of his shrill broken voice, which drowned out any counter argument a class mate might raise by virtue of being louder and more obnoxious than almost anyone else.
Nigun asked calmly one more time. "Elyah?"
But the boy grunted. and only a stern glance of Nigun kept the class from snickering.
It was Nigun's second week as a teacher, only two months since he lost his home to the alleged dragon attack. Normally, veterans of the Scriptures earned themselves several months of paid leave before they were expected to serve in a new capacity, but the recent mobilization of Slane's military reserves, including the senior classes and their tutors, had depleted the education system's staff.
He did not mind.
In fact, he was glad to have been asked to serve so soon. He needed the distraction, the feeling of power. Not because he thought he was in his right to bully the kids, or because he liked to be in charge. He actually disliked the pressure of leadership, and wholeheartedly agreed on the notion following orders was far easier on the mind and consciousness than making decisions himself. Nigun had always led out of necessity, because no one else was suited for the position.
The power he craved was the ability to change at least one sorry fact of reality: He could not challenge the might of a monster like Ainz, but he was confident he could mould the little monsters entrusted to him into some shape of decency.
Nigun reached down under Elyah's desk and folded the lever supporting it in, causing it in turn to drop down under the elbow. The boy's head hit the table edge with a loud 'smack', and he cried out in pain. The class almost burst into gloating laughter, but another one of Nigun's sharp stares stopped them and made them straighten their backs, looking rigidly at the blackboard.
"Ouch!" Elyah cried. "Gods, I didn't do anything!"
His classmates chortled at his expense, while Nigun commented drily, "Exactly."
Kids were awful, amoral bastards – a special breed of monsters in their own right, in Nigun's mind. No matter how often those concerned parents present in the capital tried to convince him otherwise, he knew it was only the wisdom of those who became before them and life's harsh lessons which would form them into proper humans, not constant pampering and excuses.
Sure, they stood up for their friends and those similar to them, but they still had no natural obligation in their heart to the whole of humanity, or even their one classmate who stood out by chance. In their confidence, bordering on arrogance, they felt themselves in the right to look down on Elyah, their foolish comrade who brought the humiliation upon himself. They were the ones acting proper. They were the ones learning the wisdom of the gods. They were the future master race.
They were fools, just as ignorant as Elyah was.
"You slept again in my class, Elyah."
"Just a power nap while I thought of the best answer to your question," the boy snarked back, but Nigun did not give in to the provocation.
"Which was?"
"Eh..."
The boy had, of course, not thought past his comment, since he lacked any real wit, but Nigun had wasted enough time on his antics, and mercifully repeated, "I asked: 'Why must we follow the gods' commands?'"
An easy question – obvious, really – Elyah must have thought, and he lit up with a triumphant grin which betrayed his confidence in quickly answering it. "A trick question, Master Luin? Oh, well… we follow the gods' commands because we want to earn our place in heaven."
"Heaven?"
"Yes."
"You mean the sky? The endless blue expanse above, with the clouds and birds flying through it?" Nigun asked and pointed at the ceiling.
"Yes?" Elyah offered meekly, and a lot of the kids snickered. Only a few did not join in.
"Would that not be cold and windy?" Nigun pointed out, knowing perfectly well the boy had not referred to the physical space, but he wanted to see how long it would take for him to admit he did not know what he was talking about.
"No… it's heaven, you know? The next realm, with angels, our ancestors and the gods waiting for us... You are a priest, Master Luin. I don't have to explain heaven to you, do I?" Elyah tried to stop further questions, but Nigun was far from done.
"You do."
"Eh, what?"
"Tell me about this heaven, Elyah. That is an order." Nigun commanded, staring at the sweating boy who stammered in response.
"Well, y-you... When you die, you go before the gods and they… eh, they'll either send you to heaven when you have been good, or hell when you haven't. That's the gist of it, right?"
For a moment, Nigun was at a loss of words. His mind needed several seconds to readjust itself while he forced back the blood flowing in his face with sheer willpower. Elyah had turned into a pale, twitching mess under his stare.
"Who handed you..." Nigun turned with flaring nostrils, but a forced calm voice to the rest of the class, and asked with slight bow, "Please excuse my choice of words," before turning back. "...this bucket of half-assed shit?! Master Deos?"
Elyah was stunned as was the rest of the class. Clearly, they had not expected the crass outburst. "My... my..."
"Speak louder...!" Nigun drawled, and Elyah obeyed with a yelp.
"My Pa told me so! We- We act as the gods tell us, and go to heaven as a reward. That's why we must obey the gods. Right?"
'You poor fool.'
"We try to be good? We tread each other with respect, work for the community, speak honestly, don't steal, stay faithful, respect our elders-"
The boy hid behind his arms as Nigun raised his hand, but he had no intention to hit him. He began counting, one finger at a time as walked between the banks.
"You know… on my first mission as a fresh member of the Sunlight Scripture, I cut down 52 Dragovichii females, 31 males, and crushed several hundred unhatched eggs after having told them we came to trade.
On my second mission, we hung a loving father and his entire family up to the second generation removed for consorting with lizardmen.
On my third mission, we sabotaged a pandamen fertility ceremony, plunging most of their tribes into a civil war their population has yet to recover from.
Fourth to seventh were mostly filled with various assassinations."
'Leading up to the murder of Sir Rayn Den Orfa Wur, which eventually led to the annual wars between Re-Estize and Baharuth.'
"On my ninth mission, I earned my first command for suffocating 2000 Leonids in their barrow, after having them chase two penal legion companies into their nest's bowels I forced to obey by holding their families accountable..."
Nigun opened and closed his fist many times as he told them just some of the non-confidential operations he took part in. The kids turned paler with each story he recalled. Some clasped their hands, started praying, and he forced each one's trembling fingers apart with soft force in turn as he passed their table.
"I cut down honest men, pure women, and innocent children; lied, made promises, and broke them; stole, maimed, destroyed, slandered, sacrificed, abandoned, disfigured, poisoned, and used rude language so many times I lost count… yet still, none of those actions fill me with regret or cost me a night's sleep," Nigun finished as he returned to the blackboard. His hand sought the central dot he drew earlier, and caressed it carefully without smearing the pigments.
"I am confident I will experience heaven once I die."
He turned back to the class, to the ignorant fools sniffing into their sleeves or holding on to their tables with white fingers, while his remained on the dot.
"I always lived my life as I thought was right and necessary, as was needed by my country – by you. I did those terrible things for you, so hopefully, you will not have to do so for your own children one day. The gods do not gift us with heaven for a righteous life. We do," Nigun said, and clapped the dot hard for emphasis, making the kids jump and twitch, and he continued:
"I will forever live in my own limited existence, never knowing for sure if anything else besides my own thoughts is real. All of existence, the universe, is the cage of my senses and experience, and I will never know for sure if any of you still exists when I look away."
He lifted his hand from the dot and traced the circle he drew around it.
"And neither do you. Yet, if each of us is possibly a creation circling around a consciousness, what will happen should we near our death? How can you experience the end of your time? Let me answer…
You do not."
The kids who hung on his words stared at him, not comprehending, and some whispered, "Is he serious?", "Is he impyling we can't die?", "Nonesense.", "Told ya he lost it."
Nigun ignored the doubts and spoke with conviction. "You can never experience death, 'cause it would mean looking on from the other side of the threshold defying the very definition of death, the end.
Facing the end means facing your own thoughts about the life you lived, and doing so forever, for you have reached the final point where you are unable to taste anything new, not even oblivion, for who would be there to know it?
Die in bliss and happiness, and you will experience delight for all eternity. Die in agony and shame, and you will wallow without end. The only sure way to secure a good afterlife is following the example and morals of the gods.
Accept the only worthwhile content is the knowledge to have served your country and mankind, instead of living only for yourself, wondering what pleasures you all missed. Only when you are able to say at all times with conviction: 'I regret nothing! I do not die a waste! Even my death serves a purpose!' will you find heaven. The gods do not compare lists of wrong doings and good deeds and hand out your afterlife like a bill. You do."
"But this is insane!" One of the girls shouted from the back. Her name was Wilja. Nigun did not bother looking at her as he stared out the window down at Humanitas. He did not reprimand her for her objection, but waved his hand for her to go on. "You can't base faith on doubt! On 'what if's! So many heroes came back from death and-"
"Had no memory of an afterlife, of the gods or angels whatsoever," Nigun interrupted her. "None could tell us if they received a just reward, if someone deemed them worthy or despicable."
"But all recalled how they felt content and calm. They experienced peace. Is that not prove they entered heaven?" Rodrik objected, her neighbour, while Nigun watched the storm clouds in distance cluster at the mountains' slopes as they prepared to cover the till-now clear sky.
"It only proves the Theocracy still selects with care who they will revive and who don't. Keep in mind, children, that resurrection is an extremely costly undertaking, and few humans possess the strength to endure its rigours. Only the greatest assets to our nation's cause are worth the investment of the gold and the time of the few priests capable of casting it."
The clouds, formerly stalling at the mountains' slopes, began drifting towards the city, and Nigun found their movement and speed unnerving. As they reminded him of the hidden threat of the undead looming over all he held dear, his imagination discovered disturbing images of faces and monsters emerge and sink back into the chaotically bubbling storm front.
'Get a grip on yourself. You are veteran, Nigun, not a small child. You are here to strip those kids from their fear of reality, not get scared by your own fantasy.'
He told himself with a shudder, and looked back over his shoulder to Rodrik. "Do you think we would grant this honour to anyone we did not deem absolutely loyal, to someone not completely at peace with his bloody work for humanity?"
"Sir?" Rodrik asked, unsure, and Nigun looked back out the window as the shadow of the storm already crossed the city wall, yet none of the many flags topping Humanitas' spires acknowledged it. Here and there, the black clouds lit up as lightning strikes hid inside them, but not one thunder roar reached him and none of the kids reacted to the unnatural weather, although he felt their gazes penetrate his head's back.
'Why are they so calm while I am sweating? Am I the only one seeing this?'
"Would you select a man or woman whose conviction you are not certain of, when there are thousands of others who might also be worthy of consideration for a second chance at life?"
'Would I have been worthy?'
The classroom darkened, and he looked up as the black front rushed over them, and felt his throat dry up. As it flowed over the sun, it swirled even more like a raging sea, and clearly formed the visage of skull leering at him with the sun's dim shadow flickering from one of its eye sockets.
Ainz was grinning at Humanitas.
'No way!'
Without thinking, he took a step back from the window, but it must have heard and turned towards him, fixing his very soul with its balefully glowing eye.
'This cannot be!'
'"...Captain Luin..."'
He could hear its baritone voice reverberate in his head, and a section of the dark sky drifted lower in the about form of a reaching hand, threatening to crush the city, coming directly for him.
'No, dear gods, please!'
'"Captain Luin... What is the matter?"'
'This is not happening!' Nigun desperately told himself, as the terrible claws came ever closer.
'"...My bad... it's Master Luin now…"' the mocking voice laughed. '"...your friend still needs you... 'Master' ...Luin..."'
Nigun felt a hard hit as the grasping hand crashed into the school, and cool darkness engulfed him.
'"There is no time to rest, my dear captain. I have such plans for you like you wouldn't believe, but you have to shape up if you don't want to fall behind."'
'"I know. I know this must be confusing to you. Why does he pick me, out of all people? What need does the all-powerful undead have for me, a simpleto- simple human? 'I am no hero!', 'I am no traitor!', 'I am a good man!'. Ha ha ha ha..."'
'"Yes, you are. You are indeed. Never forget that. Who's a good boy? You're a good boy! Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Ha ha ha ha..."'
'"NOW, FETCH!"'
"...Master Luin?"
The rich male voice he heard did not sound mocking. It sounded concerned. He felt cold stone press into his face's side while a hand shook his shoulder.
Nigun opened his eyes, and found himself looking up into the wrinkled and weather garbed face of the rector's right hand, Maduo. The 580-19 stood behind him, whispering, while Maduo asked, "Master Luin, do you know where you are?"
'At school... which still stands... does it?'
"I..." Nigun mumbled, and suppressed a groan for his thudding head. "...am on the ground. Where I am not supposed to be."
The kids snickered, and Maduo helped him with a sympathetic smile into a sitting position. Nigun held his hurting shoulder as he looked around. The classroom was still brightly lit, the sky outside was as blue as it could be, and none of the children looked hurt whatsoever.
'What just happened? A hallucination? Did I just imagine it, or did Ainz really send me a message? But why this way? I am certain he could have easily visited me anytime he wished to without anyone noticing. So maybe it was really just my own fantasy, and I am just going mad.'
'Damn it.'
Maduo's firm grip forced him to look back to him. "You fell, Master Luin. The aspirants told me you were staring out the window while talking of your work on the behalf of Slane, when you suddenly jerked backed and stumbled over your desk."
The rector's assistant lit a match and held it before his eye, while covering the other with his hand. "Can you tell the year and day we are living in? What is your full name? When have you been born?"
'Year? My name? Oh, he's checking if I hurt my head.'
"I am Captain Nigun Grid Luin, born Year 568 since the gods' revelation, Day 293. Today it is Day 181 of the Year 606 G.R., about 40 minutes till lunch break," Nigun rattled down, and earned a small chuckle from the class for the last comment. Even Maduo's stoic face smiled faintly and he blew out the match, before placing the burnt stump back in the box and helping Nigun up.
"You look fine to me, Master Luin. Glad I did not have to practice my meagre healing magic on you. Your teacher is fine, children. Go home and celebrate."
'What is there to celebrate?'
Nigun wondered, while the kids' faces lit up in delight… and soon, the crowd had noisily left the classroom, leaving only the men behind. The assistant noticed Nigun's raised brow, and when no more steps could be heard, he said, "You heard right, Master Luin. Today is a day to celebrate. Our troops have come home at last."
"The tension with the Argland City Councils have been resolved? I am glad to hear that..." Nigun blurted out, but stopped when he saw Maduo shake his head with a knowing smirk.
"No, Master Luin. Those are still a major concern, as far as I am allowed to know. I am talking about our boys and girls in the south. I don't know the details. but seven weeks ago. apparently. the elves' barbaric government – if you can call it that – collapsed all of the sudden, and with it the will of the creatures to fight."
For a second, Nigun was at loss of words as he comprehended the words. '0The war against Elf Country was over? Just like that?'
The stalemate in the south had been going on since before he was born, ebbing forth and back without any side gaining any lasting victories. At times, he had speculated with other officers if the cardinals let it go on just to a have training ground and evolutionary siphon for their youths. These days, practically no one spared much thought on the eternal conflict, and just accepted it as part of life every Slane had to go through. And now… it was over?
"But how? Why now? Do not miss-understand me, Master Maduo – those are good news, especially with the trouble brewing up in the north but it just sounds so..."
"Convenient?" Finished Maduo for him. "Yes, I felt so myself when I heard it the first time, but there was more to the news I heard. Do not tell the kids, but rumour has it was a direct divine intervention." Maduo could hardly suppress the grin when saying the last sentence.
Nigun did his best to mimic the hidden giddiness, but in truth, he felt his heart sank. Thankfully, Maduo misinterpreted his dropping face as scepticism and went on, "I know, that sounds too fantastic to be true, no need to act… I was also doubting when hearing it first, but listen to this: Thousands of witnesses reported seeing beautiful messengers appearing from a blinding light. The reports are unclear and often contradictory on what exactly they proclaimed, and perhaps the words of the gods are simply too much to bear for simple human minds, but they all agreed on one thing."
Nigun hat to gulp uncomfortably while Maduo paused for emphasis, before revealing with open arms.
"The Lord has come!"
"The Lo- Are you certain? There have been many imposters before, and more than a few elaborate plots to cement their claims – just remember the Hussor Heresy back in 303..." Nigun objected, yet Maduo brushed him off.
"But none with the power to rattle the very earth, to carve up the mountains, and make a whole people flee at once from our soldiers! And they all saw him, Luin! Our kids and brothers, they all saw him soon after, rising from the centre of the crescent lake on an unbelievable tall spire of blinding light and clouds into the sky! Can you believe it?"
"...yes..."
"They say not one elven arrow was loosened afterwards, and all knife-ears they found later had sunken down and accepted chains or death without one word of complaint. NOT ONE! Who, but a true god, could just..." Maduo snapped his fingers close to Niguns face, making him flinch, before continuing, "...end a war going on for decades in just a moment? And the Elf King – oh, the king! They found him washed up on the shore, not one wound on him, and yet stiff as a doll. Like someone casually told him to just lie down and die!"
'Like Death just commanded him to do so... Ainz...'
Nigun felt dizzy and his vision flickered, but Maduo caught his shoulders and steadied him before he could fall again, and sat him on a close stool. "Easy, Master Luin. I know it is hard to take in all at once, but I am telling you the truth."
'Or what Ainz wants you to believe.'
Nigun thought grimly, but asked instead, "Has there been word of the cardinals' stand? They have to react to this. Even they cannot suppress thousands of youngsters spilling their mouths. Do you realize, Maduo, we could have a full-blown civil war erupting if they cannot conciliate what happened in Elf Country with the faith in the Six Gods? Thousands may have seen those miracles, but millions more did not."
"I share your sorrows, Master Luin. I have thought of that myself, but the cardinals have sent no word yet. The first caravan is expected to reach Humanitas tomorrow. I suspect they will address the people there when welcoming our soldiers, before rumours can spread far outside of their control. Until then, we can only wait."
"I guess so." Nigun sighed, before huffing without mirth. "I think this is the first time I regret leaving the Scripture. Back then, I would have had the chance to talk to them."
"Welcome to the plebs, Master Luin," Maduo joked with a friendly clap to Nigun's shoulder. "Anyway! Do you feel alright now? I spent more time here than I really intended, and I still have 23 more classes to dismiss."
"Yes, I am fine. Thank you, do not mind me. I will just head home and bid my time. Maybe with a bottle of wine. Or three." Nigun walked with Maduo to the door.
Dana came home when he was at his fourth bottle. The new flat the Theocracy had offered them was cozy – some would say tiny compared to their old home, nothing more than a larger room with a kitchen and a separate bath – but apart from some new clothes and books, they had nothing to fill it with anyway.
They did not speak much that night, barely a "Hello" and a "Good night". He felt her tense in his arms when he snuggled close to her in their bed.
It had been like this for the last two weeks. Often, he would awake from a nightmare and find her staring at him with empty, tired eyes, telling him to try go back to sleep,
Nothing more.
She offered no caring word when he would awake with cold pearls coating his skin and mumbled words in his mouth, only, "There's a fresh tunic in the bath," before turning around and easily going back to sleep.
Tonight, he felt she already knew, had known of the reports all these days, and still had not trusted him with one word.
It hurt…