I swear I just had the most chaotic week of all time BUT I cannot resist writing.

Chapter 22: Where the Worthless Go

"Answering why did the chicken cross the road with, to get to the other side, isn't a funny joke."

"It's hilarious!"

"It makes no sense."

"It makes perfect logical sense," Sirius drawls to the red-headed girl across the table. "That's why its so funny. Because you're not expecting it." Their study books have been long forgotten, spread across an oak wood table in the study corner of the Gryffindor Tower. Fortunately, there is no one here through the middle of the day when most of the seventh years have a block of free study or there'd be some upset students.

Mary chuckles, tipping her head to her shoulder. "I did laugh," she says to Lily who proceeds to roll her eyes, giving up on the argument. Cressida sees the smile she tries to hide though. Sirius grins at his victory, making a pointed nod to Peter and James, who are watching the discussion.

James and Lily.

Nobody had really told her what happened between them, and Cressida had made it a point to ignore it when they were together. But now she has no idea if Lily has any lingering feelings for James. And the part in the back of her brain that she pushes down all day keeps wiggling its way up to whisper that James still isn't over Lily.

"Why are you even arguing over the worst joke ever told?" James asks with a look of disinterest. His legs are propped up on the table, his fingers idly flipping through a book. "No version of it is funny."

Cressida finds solace in Remus, who is just as quiet as her, sitting on her right. Though he also has clearly given up on reading; his book laying on the same page for the last twenty minutes, he also doesn't bother inputting into the ramblings like the others. Even Peter laughs with Mary at something.

Ever since James and Lily were appointed Head Boy and Head Girl, and forced to be with each other (though forced is probably the wrong word), their two groups have somewhat meddled together more than usual.

It feels as though she is watching a group of friends on a movie or tv show. One that she's watched since the beginning – knowing all the characters so well. But they don't know she exists. That if she tried to reach out to them, she be met with a screen that is fuzzy at her touch.

Her ears have suddenly emerged in water and the feeling intensifies. Cut-off and alone. Shrinking.

Then it's all sucked away again by a touch on her elbow. Cressida's eyes snap to her right, where Remus is leaning closer, his elbow pushing into hers. How long had she been sitting silently? Her eyes subtly move around the table, but it is only with James that her gaze lingers. He catches her eye. They don't betray any thought behind them except perhaps a flicker of confusion. Pushing off the desk, he begins to make his way around the table.

"Cress and I are going to head to the library," Remus announces. Cressida sits up straighter in surprise but nods in automatic agreement. "We'll meet you guys in class."

He rises from his chair, Cressida following him after. She sends a brief smile to James who is halfway towards her as she collects her belongings. He smiles back, but his eyes drop to her feet before rising slowly.

Trotting after Remus, she gives him a look of curiosity, but he doesn't answer so she stays silent. Instead of heading down the staircases and towards the library, Remus leads her across the seventh floor. "Out of all four of you, I never thought it'd be you that I'd have to show where the library is," she teases. She knows her heart isn't in it.

Remus squints one eye at her. "Did I say library? I meant the Astronomy Tower. It has a nicer view."

"But no books," she counters.

"Thank Merlin, because I don't think I could look at another," he laughs. Cressida huffs in amusement to herself, her eyes pinned to the side of the sockets as she watches him but faces forward. "Or listen to another one of Sirius' jokes."

"Have they always been this bad?"

"No, I think they've gotten worse with age."

The laughter follows them all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. Remus climbs the stairs first, an ethereal sense of calmness encasing him. The soft breeze ripples his white school shirt and hair which continues to grow just as shaggy as Sirius' if only a little shorter. Cressida never realised how much he liked it up here. Maybe this is where he escapes when they can't find him. They always just assumed it was the library.

It's not the most beautiful day, but neither is it a horrible one. The sky is splattered with clouds of light grey that hide the sun, but don't threaten rain. Mute. A mute day.

Remus motions to the fenced ledge, sitting down with his feet crossed rather than hanging over the edge. Cressida follows him, choosing to let one leg hang over, the other tucked under the first. They sit in silence for a while which she doesn't mind at all. The view is beautiful, and the open air is fresh.

"I saw it," Remus notes quietly. Cressida tears her gaze away from the sparkling lake to the boy. His features are soft and kind—not that they ever are not—and hold a sort of knowing that usually comes with age. Euphemia holds it. "Your eyes change. They sort of haze over. You want to tell me why?"

She doesn't bother asking what he means. A fruitless exhale escapes her, head tipping forward. She should talk. Dr Kenway said it would be good for her to discuss what she's feeling. Or write it down, but she's never been one for writing things. And who better to talk to than Remus?

"Sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking this isn't real." Cressida exhales again, this time in relief. Once the words start, they don't stop. "Like a movie or something. And I watch you all and… and I'm terrified that I'm going to disappear."

Her chest moves with a pathetic chuckle that turns into a hiccup.

"I don't have a family," she continues. "No, I do. And it's you four. Marlene, Lily, Mary, even Elias and the twins; they're my friends but they're not my family. And watching you all hang out and muck around together, I can't help but feel as though that it's all…diluting. That the more they find other people to be around, the less important I become. And I know that's selfish, thinking that you can't have other friends and I don't want to stop you from doing that, but I can't help thinking, what about me? I don't… bring anything valuable enough for you to logically keep me around."

Remus nods slowly at the end of her gush. His lips smooth upwards, the knowing look shining through even more. "I used to think the same. A little bit of different logic but the general idea is the same. Sometimes I still catch myself doing it. Here I was, an eleven-year-old werewolf going to a school and not having my mother and father around to help. I didn't even think I was going to make friends in the first year, let alone the first day. I didn't have any before Hogwarts. Yet there you four were." He laughs, leaning back on his hands. Cressida smiles at her own memory of the young, lanky Remus, who had a curious scar running down the side of his neck. He still has it, of course, but it has faded over the years. "And every single month, I was terrified that you'd find out what I was and toss me aside. I mean who would want to be friends with a werewolf?" He holds up a finger as Cressida moves to speak. She holds her tongue. "Apparently you stupid four did. I was petrified of you finding out, but no, you all went and became fucking Animagi!" Cressida grins, the muscles in her cheek straining and her sight blurring with tears. Remus laughs, pointing to his chest. "How in the world, did I find possibly the only four people in the world who were willing to do something like that, for me? For me?!"

"Because you're fucking worth it Remus Lupin," Cressida sings. If anybody deserves the world, it's him. Remus' grin turns bashful.

"Why am I worth it?"

Cressida turns quiet, but not out of her inability to answer, but the look Remus is giving her. He doesn't look desperate for an answer, nor in need of validation, but he still asks her.

"Let me rephrase," he chuckles at her stammer. "If you, James, Sirius, Peter—you think I'm worth risking your damn lives over, what makes you think that you're not worth the same? What in the world, makes you think that you're worth less than a werewolf?"

Cressida shakes her head. "Don't do that," she hisses. "Don't put yourself down to try and bring me back up."

"Then tell me why," he presses, leaning towards her. Lifting his hands, he lays them flat in the air, one above the other. "Because if this is you-" he shakes the one slightly above the other, then the one underneath "-and this is me. If you think you're way down here, then I must be underneath you in accordance with societies thinking. So if you think you're worth nothing, then what am I worth?"

"This is such blackmail," she whispers, shaking her head with a slow laugh. She takes the bottom hand, pushing it way above his head. "Your worth is not in accordance with society's ideals. It's in accordance with what you put to it, and as your friend, I'm telling you that it's way up there."

His smile only grows. "And as your friend, I'm telling you yours is way up here too." He moves the other hand up over his head next to his own. Cressida laughs airily, more out of tired amusement than anything else. Remus drops them back into his lap. "Out of everyone in the world, I got to have you as one of my friends, and I'll be damned before I leave you behind. And I know the others think the same. Whenever you're not there and we're talking, with or without other people around, the number of times you get mentioned is insane. Mostly by James, mind you." Cressida can't help but chuckle bashfully, ducking her head. "But the only reason you'd be left behind is if you fought so desperately that we had no other choice. And even then, I'd know we'd fight for you."

Cressida's nose stings, though she begs it not to. Her fingers scratch at the back of her head as she blinks rapidly, willing herself not to be so emotional. She believes Remus, she really believes him and she damns him for it. It's so much easier to hold the belief that they don't care. So much easier to put a shield up. But that's exactly what she has to learn to drop. "Why are you so good at this?" she mutters, shaking her knee to let of the building energy.

"Because I've been going to a therapist for ten years." He laughs nonchalantly. "I've picked up a few things."

Cressida is quick to respond. "Yet you still don't think you're useful." Remus' laugh flattens, his expression turning to something more remorseful, and his eyes avoid hers. "'I'm glad to help someone for once'," she recalls. She hadn't forgotten his words, nor her promise to herself to address them. Truthfully, she remembers them every time she sees him but there just hasn't been the right moment to address it. Cupping an invisible balloon in the air, she says with a smile, "Let's just take everything you said to me, and shove it back to you. Remus, you help us every single damn day. I wouldn't have made it through first year herbology without you. You even caught me when I fainted because of the mandrakes."

Remus snorts, pressing his lips together to hold a laugh, but she urges it out of him.

"And look, Sirius and James are both incredibly smart and it baffles me how well they do in school sometimes, but they're also so incredibly thick." Remus' laughter falls free, nodding his head in agreement. "Did you know they've never had Chinese takeout before? And James has only had fish and chips once in his life? Remus; you, Pete and I are their saving graces!"

Remus' laughter shakes his whole body, and Cressida grins satisfactorily. "Look who thinks so much of herself now."

"Can't help it, my ego is bigger than James' now," she quips back.

"A hard feat." Their heads snap to the stairs. James is just stepping over the last step, hand sliding off the railing. He looks between them, softly smiling, but trying to figure out the situation. "Don't think you'd find many books up here."

"That's what I tried to tell him," Cressida smiles back, nudging Remus with her knee. "How d'you find us?" James only perks his brow as he saunters towards them with a leisurely sway. "Right," she laughs.

"We thought some fresh air would do better than a library," Remus adds.

James stands in the middle, equal distance between him and the stairs and the seated pair. "Do you mind if I join, or would you rather me go?" Cressida shuffles herself around, resting her back against the fence and holds out a single hand. James' smile grows at her offer and walks straight towards it. He takes it, pulling it to his lap as he sits next to her. "I wasn't sure if this was something just between you two or…"

"I think Cress is more than happy you found us," Remus says, his words more pointed to her than their new companion. Cressida smiles at her lap. She does love how James went searching for her. She pushes away the thought that his other company left and that's why he sought more out.

James breathes out a content sigh, but his brows twitch as he looks over her face. "You look like you've been crying."

Cressida swallows, laughing awkwardly. "Oh, no. Remus just told a really good joke."

James rolls his eyes, leaning back against the railing. "Anything must have been hilarious after Pad's attempts today."

"I hear my name and an insult in the same sentence!" All three eyes widen, the voice coming from a source that they can't yet see. Just a few seconds later, Sirius' dishevelled hair pokes out of the stairwell. "Nobody thought to invite me?"

"Or me!"

Peter's head soon follows.

"See, this is why we created the Map," Sirius grins like an over-excited puppy. "So you can't hide from me."

"That's under the assumption that you will have the Map in your possession," James shoots back. While their banter about the map continues, Remus nudges Cressida again. He says nothing, only raising his brows and motioning to the other boys with it, as though to prove his point. All the while she continues talking with Remus—James, Sirius and Peter in their own conversation—James, thumb rubs over the back of her hand, squeezing every now and then.

"We're going to have to destroy that Map," Cressida hisses loudly to Remus. Remus sniggers, while the boys around her give a collection of gasps and protests.

Sirius points the folded map at her. "I have revoked your Map privileges."

Cressida leans forward, snatching the parchment from his fingers and then leans back against the railing, lifting herself enough to just slide the parchment underneath her bottom. "Mine now."

James is the first to laugh. "Don't think that'll stop me," he grins.

Sirius scoffs. "Don't think that'll stop me."

Cressida smirks. "Should I have put it down my shirt instead?"

This time, James scoffs, a boyish grin taking up a good portion of his face. He leans back against the railing. "Even better." Cressida blushes, wishing she had anticipated the response to her words better.

Sirius has wide, contemplative eyes. With a single nod in her direction, he declares, "I'm up for it."

"Excuse you?"

"Excuse me?"