Chapter 28: Talk To Me

James leads Cressida up to his dorm and every step she takes, a rattle goes through her bones to warn her that she's stepping to something dangerous. And she knows that it is nothing physical.

James takes long breathes, hands stuffed in his pockets and his hair wildly unruly. His glasses sit more crooked than usual, and his shirt is half-untucked.

"I can't do this, Cress."

There it is. Her deepest fear arising like she always thought it would. That doesn't stop it from hurting. It only makes the pain worse, to know it was coming and not prevent it. Cressida wants to run; that's all she needs to hear. She doesn't want him to have to tell her why she isn't good enough. Why she shouldn't be with him.

James presses his lips tightly together, looking on the verge of tears himself. He leans back against the post of his bed, turning his head to the side away from hers as she stands still near the door. "You don't talk to me anymore," he murmurs, still looking away. Towards the window. "You don't tell me anything."

"I talk to you every day." Her voice is quiet like a mouse. Not a roar of the bear she is supposed to be. But that's all she can find. All she has left to fight with. This is just another wound to add. Even Cressida knows that her argument is weak and meaningless.

"That's not what I mean," he breathes to confirm her thoughts. His head finally turns to look at her. "It's like ever since you found out I had feelings for you, you built this wall against me and I don't know why. I can't get through to you anymore. Every time I ask you, you just brush me off. Or even go to someone else! I want to be that person for you."

Her eyes begin to blur. Count. Remus had told her to use logic to counter emotions. One. Two. Three. Four…

James pushes off the post, hands rising from his pant pockets for the balls of his palms to press into his eye sockets. "You're constantly on the edge, one foot always behind the line ready to retreat at a moment's notice." She finds his eyes filled with water. Why is he doing this if it makes him sad as well? Why can't he just stop? Stop. "People don't even know we're together," he laughs mirthlessly. "Fuck, I don't even know if we are at this point. I know I said I will wait for you and that's a promise I will keep, but I need to know that what I'm waiting for, isn't for your rejection." His hands drop back down to his dark grey pants, scrunching the material around his thigh into his fists. "I can't do that again. I can't continue to put myself forward only to be turned down in the end. Again. It hurts too much. And if you talked to me maybe then I'd have an idea of what you're thinking about. I would know if it has something to do with me or something else entirely. But you don't tell me. And all I have to go off is that you're doubtful about me. About us."

Despite her fervent counting in her head, a tear falls from each eye that she quickly wipes away. Her chest shakes in a silent sob. "I'm sorry."

James nods slowly, licking his lips. "I don't want to lose you," he says softly, walking towards her. Cressida's chest moves quicker, taking a step back. James holds his open hands towards her. "I want you to start talking to me again. I want to be your friend."

Friend.

"Would you talk to me again, if we were just friends? I know you have things running through your mind every day. Would you open up to me again?"

Cressida doesn't have an answer for him. She knows exactly what James is telling her. She has been keeping her foot on the edge. But not because she was unsure about it. Him. She was scared of a downfall. The one that's happening right now. She hasn't talked to him as much as she once did. Cressida didn't want to chuck everything that was worrying her onto him and have him be scared off by it all. But all that protection is now her defeat.

"Please," he breathes. "We can just push the past few weeks behind us and just go back to normal. I'm doing this because I want you to be happy. And I don't want to feel like I'm constantly on the edge of losing you." He takes her hands with no resistance and Cressida can't help but look closely into each of his glossy hazel eyes.

He needs her. He needs her to be strong. He needs her to be okay. And she can't be, but she can pretend. To think that every is normal again. With each thought, her mind starts laying fresh bricks upon one another. She could lie and promise him that she will change, but she would never be able to fulfill it. But she could lie and say that they can go back to normal. How long was she pretending that before this past summer?

With the wall finally built, Cressida's face falls straight. "You should go to dinner. You were complaining about being hungry during Charms."

James blinks hard, his head pulling back slightly. "What?"

She takes a step back, nodding towards the door. "We should go to dinner. I'll meet you down there, I want to get changed first."

He breathes slowly and deeply, reading into her reaction. "Are you angry with me?" Cressida shakes her head. No, not angry. He resigns with tightly pursed lips and a sigh. "I just want us both to be happy, even if its not with each other. In that way. I'm still your friend." He leans forward, pressing a kiss against her temple. Cressida's eyes don't close, her head tilting slightly under the pressure. "I'll get a plate ready for you. Chicken, potato… Some salad?"

She nods again and he leaves the dorm, shutting the door behind him. Cressida stares at the dorm room. The messy sheets and a school shirt slung over a trunk and ties hanging from the tops of their beds.

It's never looked so empty.