Chapter 29: Bad Timing

Cressida stands under the showerhead, turning the silver handle on the right. A spurt of freezing water patters over her head and then down her shoulders, dripping down her back and then her legs. The cold doesn't do much against her skin but she turns the left tap on as well to warm herself.

As it heats, she wonders how long it will take them to realise that she's not coming down for dinner. How long will her plate sit there, full and untouched before Peter no doubts digs into it? It shouldn't matter to her. It's useless to just contemplate how much they notice or care.

Cressida stays there, in the shower until the steaming water feels like nothing against her skin. The entire bathroom is filled with steam, clouding the mirror and the light. Finally, once her skin feels raw and stripped, she turns the taps back off and the numbing sound of water against the tile stops.

She steps out onto the soft mat, wrapping a towel around her chest and staring at the mirror. Cressida can't see herself in it, the glass too fogged still and would remain like that for some time.

And there, the tears that she wished had come in her shower, appear. Her eyes squeeze tightly shut, her bottom lips pressing against her teeth. No amount of restraint could hold the loud hiccup/wail that echoes off the tiles.

Cressida slumps to the floor, her back against the hard glass of the shower wall.

James had asked her if she was angry at him. Her answer had been truthful, she wasn't. Isn't. But she wishes she was. She'd be angry because she didn't understand what he was talking about. Didn't understand how he was feeling. Angry because how was she supposed to know?

But she did. She knows exactly what James said. The constant fear lingering of losing someone. Cressida has felt that too many times. It's like the tip of a knife constantly pressing against your throat, drawing a line of continuous blood, but never enough to kill you. How long has she let him feel that? She's feared for so long the idea of losing one of them, that her fear has morphed itself into her reality.

Has she lost him?

James said he was doing this so he didn't. But it feels like she just has. They would never forget this. She wouldn't. It feels like the end. Like this finally where she cracks and breaks beyond repair.

Cressida begins to fear for herself. Fear that she'll never be able to be that person she was just two years ago, laughing about Sirius' shoes being sent to another dimension. Fear that she won't be able to get through the next part of her life. Fear that she's just simply ruined.

Her parents. Regulus. James. Insecurities. School. Quidditch.

A boxing match with life that has finally delivered its knockout blow.

Her body continues to shiver and shake as the fog continues to fade and her dormmates return from dinner. Their voices stay muffled for a while, the door to the bathroom locked though they tried to open it a few times, knocking and calling her name.

Cressida doesn't bother to estimate how long it is until Lily finally unlocks it with a spell. "Merlin's beard, Cress," she gasps. Brown eyes tinted red rise to meet soft green ones. "I'll go get you some clothes."

Xx

Cressida wants to pinch every person in the Great Hall and yell at them to shut up. They talk so loud and obnoxiously that it's infuriating. Instead, she sits silently in her seat, boiling over in her frustration.

She had come here with Sirius alone, from Care of Magical Creatures for lunch, but of course, the other three sat with them once they came from their own classes. She hadn't said no, knowing that her stomach would have complained louder at the idea of rejecting food to avoid people so here she sits.

The dark-haired boy on her right was not reserved in showering her with his own frustrations as the situation, but he let it go after it became obvious that she had no interest in talking about it. He feels for James, too, just as much as he does for her. And Cressida knows, that if she were to ask him what side he stands on – if there are even sides – he would take James'. He made that very clear in his ramblings about how he already told her that she needs to stop being afraid.

It isn't surprising to see Remus sympathise with her. She wouldn't condemn the others in saying that they have no idea what she is going through, but Remus seems to relate to it the most. The fear. The loneliness. He hasn't exactly agreed with her, but there is nothing for him to agree on. He just understands what she feels.

She shouldn't be sitting there. Wearing the red tie. It belongs to someone brave, someone courageous. Someone worthy.

"How did you go on that Charms quiz?" Cressida eyes raise from the rice and curry to Peter who sits opposite her with a small smile. Peter has been the easiest to be around. He doesn't like to bring up anything that makes others uncomfortable. He likes to be content.

Cressida shrugs softly, offering him a gentle smile. "Easy," she brushes off. "I don't think I knew anything, so I got to the end in, like, ten minutes." Peter gives her an amused expression.

"Well if you didn't do well then I certainly didn't," he says. "Do I get points for writing my name at the top?"

"Did you manage to spell it correctly?" she quips back. Peter narrows his eyes teasingly. Her laugh is airy and silent, meant for only herself. Feeling her full from food, Cressida rests her knife and fork back down on the table. "I'm going to go get a book from the library before next class."

Remus is quick to grab his own bag and finish his late bite. "I'll come too." Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, the tall lanky boy is out of his seat before she can reject or accept. Not that she would do the former. Gathering her own bag, her eyes glaze over James and Sirius. The latter offers her a short smile, and James offers her something of the same. Cressida doesn't return either of them.

Once Remus appears ready enough, Cressida walks out of the Great Hall, the sandy-haired boy trailing up behind her. They walk wordlessly together, her mind trained on figuring out the rest of her plans for the afternoon. A brief idea, to write to her mother surfaces. Her eyes close over in a silent hiss, tossing the thought away.

"What is up with that dude?" Remus mutters distastefully. Cressida peers out of her curtaining hair. Her teeth grind at what she finds. "I swear he's stalking you."

"Same school makes it hard to avoid some people," she answers flatly, eyeing off Arthur from a distance. "He tried to act like my saviour the other day when I ran into Rosier and company."

"Please," Remus scoffs easily. "He'd be more of a nuisance than help. You'd take them down easily." He makes a whipping motion with his wand followed by a soft laugh.

Cressida bothers with a small smirk of agreeance. She would have. But speaking of nuisances-

Snape is walking in their direction, surrounded by some of his Slytherin posse. His height is comparable to Remus', having an unexpected spurt of growth over the holiday it seems. His hair actually looks soft and dry for once. Doesn't mean he's any less of a slimy greaseball.

Cressida's eyes sharpen and narrow instantly, her stride lengthening and chin raising. She has no idea if he was involved in the Death Eater attack on her home, but she sure as hell still doesn't like the way he looks at Remus. Snape narrows his eyes right back at her but makes not advances to heighten the sudden tension.

He passes them with nothing but the soft drift of moving air. "What book do you need?" she questions, figuring that is the reason he has come along with her. But she is proved wrong at his stammer for an answer.

"Oh, I, um, can't remember the name," he says. "Just what it looked like. Transfiguration."

Lying was never his strong point, Cressida muses to herself. Maybe if he learnt to be good, they'd never have found out where he went each month. No, she corrects herself. Remus could be the world's best liar and James and Sirius still would've figured it out. But she doesn't call him out on it.

The library is relatively empty except for a few older students with free periods or their own lunch break. Cressida heads straight to the Charms section, her head tilted sideways to read the titles. She pulls one from the shelf, flipping the first few pages open.

"Can I ask you something?" Remus questions, folding his arms. Cressida peers at him from the corner of her eye. His hair is long and messy, scars littering his face. His white shirt is half covered in a dark grey vest that's a little loose on him. How did she end up with such an adorable friend? She nods. "Why didn't you… speak with James? Open up to him, I mean."

Cressida sighs, closing the book and placing it back in the slot. It's not the one she wanted, anyway. "I didn't realise it was such a big issue to him," she answers under her breathe. Through the quiet nature of the library, he hears her.

"But you still haven't talked to him," he points out, already knowing her lie. With a quiet exhale, he leans closer to her ear. "You know, Dr Kenway would tell you that talking about things shares the burden. You don't have to carry it alone."

"How often do you listen to that advice?" she quips back.

"It took me years, but I do now. I've also learnt talking isn't the only way to share it though," Remus says, just as quick to counter. "I guess what I don't understand, is that you speak to me and Sirius, but not James? Why not?"

Cressida drops her finger from the title she has been trying to read for the last minute or so. "Because James has a perfect life," she breathes quickly. She blinks rapidly, feeling her mouth continue to run. "Because James has a loving family, a nice home, good friends and a good fortune. He would be perfectly happy. He could have anything he wanted." She would give him that; if she could. But she has nothing to offer.

"You think he wouldn't understand," Remus draws into conclusion.

"No," she whispers. "I think he would. He's been around us enough to understand a lot. I feel like we all use him as a crutch sometimes. That one person that we can always go to and know can hold us up. I love him for it." Her throat bobs painfully. "I don't want to add to that. Because I know that he'll try and fix things. When I talk to you and Sirius, I don't feel like I'm adding to your burdens, you're just lending a hand because you're climbing the same ladder already, just a little higher. But James would want to carry me all the way."

Remus is silent for a long time after her words, falling to sit against one of the desks in the middle of the wide aisle. Cressida subtly wipes a tear from her cheek, picking out another book. "It's not going to change, is it?" Remus whispers. She can barely hear him even in the library. "It wasn't the change of you two starting to become something. You're just finally feeling everything that should have spanned over years. With everything that's happened recently, you and James were… just bad timing."

The muscles around her eyes begin to twitch and the tear that she just wiped away comes back, followed by two more in its track. Her hand drops the book onto the desk, spinning on her heel and falls back against the shelf.

"C'mere."

Cressida's hands go to her face, covering as much of it as she can as Remus envelopes her in his long arms. A weight pools down on her shoulders, flashes over everything comes back to her in a haze of memories.