Chapter 44: It's Always Been You

Cressida flicks idly through Remus' Muggle Book. It is a long read and took far too long to draw her interest in, so she spends the next half hour flicking through, trying to find any spoilers or plot twists to entertain her mind.

James, Remus and Peter are currently trying to steal back their Map. Sirius, being the one who lost it in the first place, was barred from joining them as punishment and he begged someone to stay behind to keep him company. Having no desire to be caught and get detention on their last few weeks of school, Cressida happily chose to stay behind, though she had also tried to encourage James to as well. Being Head Boy and all, getting detention wouldn't make the best impression on the teachers. Though, in some humorous way, it would be an iconic James Potter styled way to end his schooling career just how it started; sneaking into Filch's office. Only in first year, it was to steal back confiscated dungbombs.

The pipes above the dormitory having running water through them, directed at the boy's shared shower where the long-haired boy currently takes his time to soak up the heat. "Takes longer showers than Marlene," she mutters to herself. After a while, the sound stops. "Don't you dare come out here naked!"

The door opens, and Cressida is almost scared to look, but instead of a naked man, a black dog with the hair around its head damp trots out.

"Different kind of naked," she supposes. Sirius trots right towards Remus' bed where she sits against the headboard. "Don't you jump up here. Remus had a conniption when he found dog hair all over it last time."

The dog stops at the side of the mattress, placing his jaw onto the bed with sooky eyes and pointed ears.

"You have your own bed," she grumbles, gesturing behind him. Sirius doesn't even consider it. Ever so slowly, as though hoping he wouldn't be seen, he places the pad of his front foot onto the bed. Cressida puts her eyes back to the book, plainly ignoring him. A second paw rises. "It won't be me that murders you," she sings, flipping a page.

The dog takes a final leap, nearly falling back off the mattress in his attempt to stay stealthy. But at her lack of disapproving features, his tongue laps out of his mouth with content pants. He rolls onto his back, egging her for a scratch and her hand can't resist. He makes a doggish noise of pleasure, paws stretching over his head. He's ginormous for even a large dog, taking up a good portion of the bed. Cressida ignores a few stray black hairs already threading through the bedding.

Her hand stops moving after a while, forgetting to keep it moving. His nose bumps her arm. "Needy creature," she mutters through a laugh, scratching between his front legs.

After a while, his form begins to shift back to a human. Cressida's stomach jumps, half expecting him to be naked, but he had the mind to put on loose pants and a shirt before he left the bathroom. He lies on his back, one arm supporting his head, the other laying over his stomach.

"I was thinking we should try and coordinate our outfits for the Ball. I know you have a dress, so I can change the colour of my tie or something."

Cressida folds the book over her thumb, her eyes boring into Sirius' with intense bemusement. "Sirius, you know I am going with James, right?"

He breathes heavily through his nose, his head flopping away from her direction. "Don't we have a pact to go to these things together?" he mutters.

With the feeling that the conversation is going to grow bigger, Cressida places the book off to the side. "We did," she agrees. "And if I remember correctly, you're the one that broke that off initially. And I'm going with James for obvious reasons."

Sirius moves his jaw around, not meeting her eyes. He sits up, feet on the floor and his back hunching over. Cressida watches him for a little longer. "I don't understand," she murmurs, sliding over the bed to join him. The floor is cool under her toes so she perches them on the bed's framing. "Sirius, what's wrong? It's not like we probably won't be around each other the entire night anyway."

"Nothing," he breathes, rounding off his shoulders. "I just didn't think about it is all."

"Are you going to stop lying to me?" His eyes snap up to hers, meeting them for the first time in minutes. Cressida raises her brows, neck stretching forward. James' words float through her ears once more about Sirius' peculiar actions. It wasn't right what he guessed, but maybe there is something else that he was conjuring that belief from. "Are you and James fighting about something?"

"No."

"Well he's said that you've been acting like a douchebag to him. And frankly, I agree." Sirius scowls at her. "You bit him!" she cries, smacking his shoulder with the back of her hand. "Look, I don't think you're fighting but there's obviously something bothering you."

"Are you going to move in with him?"

Her lungs empty in a long breath of disbelief. But her questioning isn't getting her anywhere, so she answers him. "Not immediately, but it will probably happen down the line. That's what couples do." She waits for him to say something, but his head stays bowed. "Sirius, is there something I should know about?" The worst comes to mind. "Is James…" The words stick in her throat, unable to even formulate a new and sudden concern. Is there someone else?

"No," Sirius sighs. "James would never do that."

"Well I don't know what else to think?" she exclaims, rising to her knees. "I'm finally happy and able to tell him that I love him freely after two years of keeping that to myself because I never believed I had the chance. And everything seems fine, except for you. You're the one that has an issue, and I don't know whether its just something with James, me, the both of us, or something else entirely. It's making me wonder if you never told James my feelings or vice versa because you didn't want anything to happen. It would have saved us both months of hurt."

Her chest moves in long and hard pants, her lips parted, the rest of her face donning a desperate expression. Sirius' fingers fidget with each other, his jaw moving around, chewing invisible food and his eyes constantly moving from spot to spot. "You didn't," she whispers, realisation crashing on her like she's been dumped at the bottom of the sea. He didn't want anything to happen. Pain flares in her chest as Sirius pulls his lips between his teeth, refusing to answer. "Do you have feelings for James?"

His ghostly face snaps to hers. "No," he whispers immediately. "No, Cress I swear that I don't." Tears flood her eyes, pain and confusion swelling. Sirius never said anything, with the purposeful intent to keep them apart for longer. Or possibly forever. "James is my brother in every way but blood."

Her shoulders rise, hands opening to the sky. Her eyes are completely glossy. "Then what?" Her voice barely makes it to her own ears. "Do you think I'm not good for him?"

"Of course not," he hisses, turning and taking her hands.

"Then stop making me ask questions and tell me!"

"You're mine!" The words pour from his lips like a desperate relief. Cressida falls back onto the bed, her palm digging into the pillow. "You've always been mine to take care of. You've always been my responsibility. I need to take care of you because I couldn't do that for my own brother. I take care of you when you don't take care of yourself! And I'm not ready to give that up to James just yet. He didn't even know what was going on in your home until Summer. He doesn't understand what you've been through like I do. He doesn't know the signs to look for when you're…" He sucks his breath, hair fisted through his hair, pulling it away from his face. "When you're about to jump off the bloody Astronomy Tower."

Emotions swirl inside her like a typhoon. Cressida doesn't know what to feel. Upset and hurt? Angry? Frustrated? Compassionate and understanding? "Sirius…"

"When you were what?"

Sirius and Cressida simultaneously snap their eyes to the middle of the dorm. James' head and shoulders are floating in mid-air. The Invisibility Cloak slides off his shoulders and to the floor, revealing Remus and Peter standing behind him. Behind all three of them, the door is cracked open.

"I'm so sorry."

Cressida's mouth is left agape. Sirius looks exhausted. Finished and done. And so is she. Then she looks to James who is staring right back at her with wide eyes, his lips parted and his chest barely moving. "You aren't my caretaker." Her voice is soft, but only because she can't formulate anything stronger. "You're my friend. I don't need someone watching my every move and deciding what's best for me."

"But-"

"No buts." Her hand raises up, motioning for him to stop. "I'm not afraid to ask for help anymore, but I don't need you to be in every part of my life making decisions for me. Merlin, you're treating me like I'm a child needing babysitting."

Sirius takes a storming step forward, black hair waving around the frame of his face; sharpening it. "Because you do," he hisses.

Hurt floods her. More hurt than he's ever conjured from her before. "That is enough." James steps between them, his back to her. "You're overstepping, Padfoot." James nods to the other two silent occupants. "All of you; out."

Cressida sinks back onto the mattress, staring down at her feet. Just when everything was beginning to feel so right. Remus and Peter leave without argument, but Sirius puts up an argument. "Prongs, no, I need to-"

"Do what?" James interrupts. "Exactly what she's asking you not to do? Mate, you've already said too much today."

"I can't-"

"Let me handle this? You don't think I'm capable of taking care of the girl I love? She's not yours or mine. And you need to get that through your head if you want to sleep in here tonight."

Cressida watches them from the side of her eyes. They are dry, having no intention to cry another tear for a long time. Sirius on the other hand, has eyes that are brimming with water and desperate panic. Facing nothing but the wall James has created, he finally retreats. The door slams behind him and both James and Cressida wince at the sound.

"We didn't mean to eavesdrop," James murmurs. "We thought it'd be funny to scare you."

Cressida's lips rise in a meek smile. "Probably would have been." The mattress bounces as James sits on her left. "I'm upset, but I'm not…pissed at him," she explains. "I didn't realise he felt like that and now I feel guilty because maybe I put that responsibility on him. Sirius has always been my safe person. I don't want his life to revolve around mine."

"You might not be pissed, but I sure as Merlin's bunions am."

Cressida raises her brows with a silent laugh. "Bunions?"

"Yeah," he murmurs, pointing at his feet. "Those things that bulge out. Besides the point. At least that explains some things. Answers a good couple of questions I've had for a while now." He sighs gently, taking her hand in both of his. "But I do have to ask about what he said with the Astronomy Tower."

"James, honestly it was in third year and I was having a rough few days. I wasn't even contemplating what he suggested, I was just sitting on the railing, and he found me like that."

He nods slowly. "I believe you. Because you don't like hurting us and you know how much pain that would cause, don't you?"

Cressida nods back with a single amused huff. "I do. And I love what I have in this world too much to let it go. I've had that thought ever since the beginning of second year, which is why I can confidently say that I would never go down that road."

"Good," he whispers, kissing her forehead. "I love you too much to ever have to say goodbye."

"Yet you manage to say it every year at the train station," she teases, giving him a broad grin once he leans back. "How do you ever manage?"

"I don't," he wails theatrically, placing a hand against his forehead. His back leans against her front in a semi-fall. Cressida laughs, catching him and resting his upper body in her lap. James smiles up at her, reaching up and runs his fingers along her cheek and jaw. "Which is why we have those journals. So it's never really a goodbye. Not even when we're sitting at different tables in Potions."

"Are you truly that clingy?"

"Cressida," he breathes, "I have admittedly thrown tantrums because you never checked the damn thing. Now – I haven't thrown one in ages-" he sits back up, one arm stretched back so he still sits perpendicular to her, "-and if Remus says otherwise, he's lying."

Cressida laughs freely, biting her lip. Leaning forward, she wraps her arms around his stomach from the side, resting her chin on his shoulder. He kisses her forehead again, the trails down her cheek. "Can I ask you something?"

"I swear you ask me that to just peeve me off now."

"Sorry," she responds lightly with innocence soaked into her tone, "but I'll take it as a yes. This wasn't something I really thought about until someone brought it up, but why did it change from Lily to me? What changed?"

She expected him to perhaps become wary at her question, sensing that the wrong answer could upset her further, but his smile only widens. "Cress, it's always been you." She lifts her chin off his shoulder, eyes narrowed in an accusatory way. It hasn't always been her; all she heard about was Lily for months on end. James laughs softly to himself, the hand on his lap moving to hers, playing with the end of her shirt. "I got a massive crush on you on the train in first year and it continued into third year when I managed to convince myself that we worked best as friends. And I saw your crush on Remus – which was pathetic by the way," he adds in memory of a conversation they had last year. Cressida stifles her laugh, smacking his shoulder. "So I sort of just shoved it away, put my attention into other things."

"Lily."

"Yeah," he murmurs with a small smile. "And then," he continues with a more hearty version of his smile that is lopsided, "when we first became Animagus, I remember having all these thoughts and feelings pushed out of me. Ones that weren't important. But I remember you just stayed there, and I couldn't think of anything else. Kinda freaked me out so I changed back. I tried to do what I did before and ignore it, but I couldn't."

"I remember that night," she recalls fondly. "I was so fascinated by the way you smelt." She lapses into soft giggles, covering her mouth. "That sounds weird, but it's true." He only continues smiling fondly.