Chapter 20. Withdrawal Symptoms
Astrid was dumbfounded by Lucius' cruelness, she knew he was going through a troubling transition in his life, but to take it out on her was unacceptable.
"I don't want anything from you Lucius, what is wrong? Why are you saying these things?" Astrid furrowed her brows and pushed herself off the desk, she stepped closer to the man in the arm chair, his face illuminated by the glow of the fire, his body slouched into his chair, angled towards flames. He regarded her a second before looking away again.
"The Christmas period gave me time to think, to come to my senses," Lucius spoke from his chest, projecting himself with as much strength as he could muster.
"About divorce?" Astrid asked softly, her eyes glanced towards the photograph on his desk briefly.
"No, about you," Lucius' jaw clenched. "The divorce is a separate matter, and it wouldn't be the first time we've started the proceedings either. No, I've been thinking about our… situation,"
"Situation? Is that what you call it?" Astrid asked, stung by his choice of words, this was a far different man to the one who had taken her in the school corridor, had said sweet musings to her, told her how she bewitched him. If she had bewitched him with her beauty and charm clearly it had worn off, for the man before her was not under any kind of love spell. His blue eyes were dark and cloudy as he looked over her coldly.
"Yes, I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression, but it was nothing more than a string of lust filled encounters," Lucius told the young woman. His words were daggers to her heart, she touched upon her chest lightly, feeling it beat hard against her ribs.
"No, no you're just… not yourself, you don't mean that," Astrid whispered, she tried to take his hand in her free one, but he pulled away, bringing the hand to his face he rests it on his chin and stared into the fire.
"I admit I felt swept away by you at one point, but the charm has faded, I must end our association now while it's still amicable,"
"You call this amicable?" Astrid hissed, tears burst from her eyes, falling to her cheeks harder than rain drops in a winter storm. "How could you change your tune so quickly? Do you want her back is that it? Are you staying with her?"
"It has nothing to do with Narcissa, but no I don't want her back… but I don't want you either, I'm sorry if you feel I led you on," Lucius sighed.
"No, I don't believe you, you could never say these things, you're doing this for a reason I know it," Astrid sniffled with a huff. Lucius looked at her darkly, rising out of his chair slowly he towered over the young professor.
"It's almost like you forget who exactly you're dealing with Miss Moody." Lucius tone was a warning. "I am Lord Voldemort's right-hand man, I led the attack at the quidditch world cup, I was witness to Cedric Diggory's death, I orchestrated the opening of the chamber of secrets, I have tortured and killed more people than you can fathom. Believe me when I tell you that I am done playing the lovestruck teenager, I have more important matters at hand." Astrid felt the now all too familiar feeling of nausea wash over her as he listed off his evil deeds, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, the pain in her chest increasing, she tried to take deep breaths, remain calm, but her pulse raced with fear, anger, and betrayal.
"Like trying to kill Harry?" Astrid hissed, she really needed to learn to think before she spoke. Lucius' reaction was unexpected, he slapped the girl across the face with the palm of his hand, she yelped and gasped as he made contact with her warm skin. She cradled the stinging skin in her hand, warm salty tears only making the sensation worse.
"I thought you could be redeemed, but you really are the villain that everyone says you are," Astrid shook her head in disbelief as she retreated around the desk, she walked backwards towards the door, afraid to turn her back to the dark wizard.
"You have no idea." Lucius growled as he leant his palms onto his dark wood desk. "Go, tell your little order friends what happened here, it matters to me not, they can do little to the likes of me,"
Astrid's hand hovered over her wand, ready to draw it at any second as she backed out of the door. Lucius used wandless magic to slam it in her face as soon as she reversed into the corridor. Astrid collapsed to the floor clutching her heart as soon as the door slammed in its frame, she refused to fall to pieces publicly and pushed herself up on unsteady legs and fought to get back to her room. Tears were streaming down her face, her pink cheek still stinging. She hoped she didn't come across anyone on her way back. She kept her head low just in case, blonde waves disguising her upset.
When she finally climbed up the winding stairs of the tower to her chambers, she sought out the balm Severus had made her, spreading it thickly on her chest. It tingled her skin, cooling it with an almost minty feel, the pain began to subside as she collapsed onto her bed. Burying her face in her pillows she cried into the night.
Lucius stared into the fire, the image of Astrid's shocked and hurt face burned into his thoughts, it tortured him inside that he had raised a hand to her. He had promised never to let harm come to her, and there he was causing the harm himself. He propped his elbow on the arm of his chair, resting his chin in his hand as he played their conversation on a loop in his head. A single tear fell from a sad blue eye, he caught it quickly with a single finger, rubbing it into his pale skin until there was no trace of it left. Three knocks pulled him from his thoughts, he cleared his throat and addressed the visitor.
"Come in," he said, twisting his body towards the door. Severus Snape slipped into the room, his pale skin glowing against the fires glow.
"You did it?" Severus asked with some hesitation as he lowered himself into one of the two arm chairs opposite the desk. Lucius didn't even look at the man, his gaze had fallen back to the fire.
"Yes," Lucius' voice was low and distant. Severus watched his old friend for some time before speaking once more.
"I know this was hard, but it will be for the best," Severus breathed.
"Will it? Even if she hates me… for the rest of her life?" Lucius asked, still not blinking as he watched the flames dance and twirl.
"I doubt she could ever hate you," Severus said honestly, and it perplexed him why she wouldn't. She knew Lucius had done terrible things, she knew he was a death eater, a monstrous man, and yet pushed it all away, ignoring the man's evil deeds. Severus partly put it down to her being so kind hearted and full of forgiveness, that she believed anyone could be saved from their sins. The other part he put down to her youth and naivety. Though Severus knew his old friend was not the worst man on the planet and had some redeemable qualities, he certainly was no prince sweeping the princess off her feet.
"You did not see the way she looked at me Severus… the look in her eyes…" Lucius whispered. Severus exhaled as he clasped his hands together.
"Even if she does forever hate you Lucius, at-least she will have a life. To love you right now… that is a death sentence,"
"I'm still not convinced this was the best way to keep her safe," Lucius whispered, mostly to himself.
"Only time will tell… nothing is a guarantee, she is still an order member after-all,"
"Perhaps I could have turned her, she could've become one of us, the Dark Lord would accept her into his ranks," Lucius pondered.
"You know she would never do that," Severus said firmly as he tried to wash some sense over his old friend. "It is hard right now, but things will improve and the pain will diminish…. I know how it is to lose a love."
Severus had never told touched upon his own experiences with cupid to anyone other than Dumbledore before, it unearthed old pains he thought he had long buried. The image of holding his dear Lily, lifeless in his arms rushed back to him. Lucius turned a stern face to the potions master.
"I have lost everything Severus… my family has fallen apart, my son detests me, my reputation is cracking, I am a guest in my own house under constant fear for my life, and I just had to let go of my one sole comfort in this world,"
Over the coming weeks Astrid found the balm Severus had made for her numbed her in more than one way, it took away the thumping pain when she got worked up, calming the muscle, but also took away the emotional pain she felt inside her heart. It's calming qualities relaxed her more than a cigarette or candle had ever done, it helped make life just a little more bearable in wake of losing her first real love. Love? Is that what it was? Astrid shook her head at her juvenile thoughts as she made her way to the dungeons in search of the potions master. She rapped on Snapes door, and was beckoned inside by his usual drawled out voice.
"Enter," he called from his desk. Astrid did, quietly closing the door behind her she approached the professor who was marking work with a bored expression. "Yes, Professor Moody?" Snape looked up from the essay in his hand to regard the girl. He had a good idea why she was there before he questioned her, she only came to see him when she required a new jar of his ointment, which he found to be more and more regular.
"I've run out," Astrid sighed, pulling an empty jar out of her pocket she placed it on his desk, he eyed it shiftily.
"Already?" He asked, eyeing her as he stood. She nodded, fiddling with her hands in front of her she waited as he fetched a fresh jar from his store room. Sitting back in his chair he pushed the jar down on the desk with a small bang, his hand rest on top.
"You seem to be going through this very quickly Astrid, might I remind you it is only for when your condition is causing you dire pain," Snape warned her as he pushed the jar towards her.
"I'm aware," Astrid breathed as she stretched her hand out for the jar, but Snape pulled it away from her. Sliding it back towards him a little, out of her reach, he narrowed his eyes on the young woman. Her withdrawal had been obvious since the day after she met with Lucius in his office, it was noticeable not only to him, but Albus and Minerva too. She took her meals in her chambers, rarely left her classroom during school hours and didn't leave the safety of her tower on weekends. She had almost become a recluse, winding herself in and shutting herself off to everyone on the outside.
"If you abuse this ointment, I will have to put a stop to it Astrid," Severus warned her.
"I'm in pain all the time Severus, it's the only thing that helps," Astrid swallowed.
"I don't think you're using it for the type of pain it's intended for Astrid… it is not a tool to numb you from your feelings. I'm being serious, the effects of long-term daily use are unknown," Severus informed the professor as he pushed the jar back towards her. Astrid reached for the glass container, her fingers wrapped around the cold glass, brushing Severus' that still firmly held the lid. She tugged at the glass, but Severus would not let up.
"Severus give me it," Astrid sighed with a tone of annoyance. Eventually Severus removed his hand, allowing the girl to pocket the jar quickly. "Thank you… I will try to use it less… but it's hard," Astrid breathed.
"Have you noticed any symptoms of withdrawal from the ointment… when you run out?" Snape asked. Astrid nodded. "They are?" Snape pressed.
"Exhaustion, headaches, nausea, sometimes vomiting," Astrid said nonchalantly. Snape sighed deeply; he was disappointed by her lack of concern.
"That is your last jar, I cannot supply you with anymore," Severus announced as he picked up the next essay to be marked.
"What? No, you can't do that, I need it Severus," Astrid whined.
"You went twenty odd years without it, Astrid, I think you will survive." Severus lectured. Astrid huffed, her jaw tightening in frustration, she turned on her heel without another word and fled the potions classroom, slamming the door behind her.
One particular spring day Astrid had just finished teaching her fifth-year class, the term teaching used very loosely, as now a days she had them reading text books for the most part. Gone were the exciting lessons where she had them enacting out battles, or creating rousing speeches. The sound of quill on parchment had replaced the sound of laughter and awe, as students copied out pages from the textbook whilst Astrid sat at her desk reading. The young professor checked the time on her watch casually.
"Oh is that the time, we've gone five minutes over class, good job it's the last period of the day, you can pack up and get yourselves off," Astrid announced to the class from the safety of her chair. She fained a smile as the students trickled out of her class, chatting amongst themselves. Only the golden trio were left behind. Astrid groaned inside; the three Gryffindor's had made quite a few attempts to get Astrid to return to helping Dumbledore's Army. She had turned them down at every instance, citing the risk to her job as the reason.
"Professor?" Harry asked as he approached Moody's desk.
"Yes, Mr Potter?" Astrid asked, closing her book.
"You can cast a patronus, yeah?" Harry questioned as he heaved his backpack onto his shoulder.
"Yes," Astrid nodded, she wasn't so sure if she could anymore, you needed happy memories for a patronus, and happiness was something she felt void of.
"Do you think you could come and help me with teaching it?" Harry asked in a hushed voice.
"I'm sure you do not need me to teach that, my patronus has never held off hundreds of dementors, it's never even held off one, Harry," Astrid smiled curtly.
"Harry is just one person, the group is growing and he's struggling to give enough time to everyone, we really could do with an extra expert," Hermione interjected.
"I'm sorry guys, I cannot, the inquisitorial squad are hot on your heels, and if I'm caught teaching you guys against Umbridge's wishes, I would lose my job, I could go to Azkaban if she was in a really bad mood," Astrid sighed, "I'm sorry I just can't."
"See, I told you so," Ron muttered under his breath.
"Told what Mr Weasley?" Astrid asked, cocking a brow at the boy. Ronald felt panicked under the professor's gaze.
"N-nothing professor," Ron recoiled. Astrid sighed as she stood up. Her stomach did a flip a she raised out of the chair, causing her to place a hand against her abdomen and exhale deeply.
"Look I wish I could help, but my hands are tied, and to be frank you shouldn't want me anyway, Harry you are a far more accomplished wizard than I," Astrid said honestly.
"Out of curiosity professor…" Hermione started, "What is your patronus?"
"An elephant," Astrid said slowly as she gripped her desk with one hand, her stomach with the other. Her breathing was becoming short and shallow, her legs weak and shaky. She had been trying to expand the time between applications of her ointment, taking on board Severus' worries, she had managed to get it down to one application a day, but it made her feel dreadful.
"Are you okay professor?" Harry asked as he noticed the change in his professors demeanor.
"Yes, well no, I just need my ointment," Astrid explained breathily but as she tried to round the desk to fetch it from her drawer, her legs gave way from beneath her, causing her to fall to her knees.
"Professor!" The three teenagers gasped in unison. Hermione rushed over and put an arm around the young woman.
"Harry… in the drawer… glass jar…" Astrid choked out. She didn't know where to grasp, the nausea in her stomach was overwhelming, her stomach was flipping violently. But at the same time her heart rate quickened, the beat growing stronger and stronger in her chest until it felt like it was going to jump right out of her ribs onto the classroom floor. Harry rushed to the desk, pulling open the drawer and frantically pulled out parchment until he found the glass jar at the bottom of the drawer.
"I got it!" Harry gasped as he dropped to his knees in front of the professor. "What do I do with it?" He asked. Astrid reached for the jar, clumsily knocking it out of the boys' hands, sending it rolling across the wooden floor towards the window.
"Get… Snape," Astrid wheezed, clutching her chest her body went limp.