Chapter 52. Confessions
Severus stared Lucius in the eye defiantly, daring the broken man to start a conflict. Lucius' jaw tensed, the blood vessels in his neck popping. His teeth were gritted, his eyes piercing the headmaster in his chair.
"Get. Your. Hands. Off. My. Daughter." Lucius articulated with a sharp tongue and a slight hiss. Astrid looked over her shoulder to Severus who stared Lucius down with little emotion, he simply placed down his quill slowly, and leant back in his chair. Even with Everly's small giggles echoing through the large office, the tension in the air was thick.
"You have no right." Lucius growled, raising his cane and pointing it at the headmaster. Astrid tugged on Lucius' black coat, trying her best to deescalate him from his trembling outburst, and calm the seething man.
"Narcissa had no right playing mother to her, but here we are." Severus drawled, raising an eyebrow. Astrid cursed internally, closing her eyes with a sigh for just a second, she had hoped to avoid this, a heated confrontation. It seemed the two men craved it though. Lucius launched himself forward towards his former friend. Astrid released Lucius' coat and pushed her palms against his strong chest, pushing him back, halting him in his step. He did not look at her. His crazed eyes were pinned on Severus. She looked up at his stubbled chin with pleading eyes.
"Lucius, please, ignore him." Astrid begged in a whisper, she ran a delicate hand up his chest, brushing his neck and cupping his cheek. She tried to guide him to look at her, but he fought her touch. Lucius gripped her hands, pulling them from his chest and face, then he cast Astrid aside, her slight frame stumbling from him with ease.
"Lucius!" She shouted after him desperately as she regained herself, but he was already half way to the headmaster's desk, his wand already drawn from his cane.
"How dare you!" Lucius's voice boomed, startling Everly and causing her to break into a sob, dropping her little red dragon to the ground. Severus broke eye contact with the furious Malfoy, his eyes casting down to Everly who cried and shrieked on his knee. With a sigh and a small tut he picked her little wailing form up and brought her to his chest, where he rubbed her back soothingly. Lucius stood in front of his desk now, his wand outstretched to Severus' face.
"Give me her." Lucius seethed.
"Look at the upset you've caused Lucius." Severus scolded, casting an eye not only over Everly who cried into his black robes, but over to Astrid, who watched helplessly from the side-lines with pleading shiny eyes.
"You've caused!" Lucius retorted; his lip curled.
"I? I who has been watching over your daughter carefully in her mother's brief absence?"
"You're playing father, Severus, with my child!"
"Do you hear your own hypocrisy, Lucius?" Severus sneered as he patted Everly's back. "You allowed your daughter to refer to another woman as mother, and then over-react to an innocent act of child minding."
Lucius wand arm began to tremble, his teeth gritted. He inhaled deeply, readying to cast whatever spell he deemed appropriate to free his daughter from Severus' clutches when Astrid's voice cut through the air.
"Enough!"
She marched up the small steps to Severus' desk, rounding it quickly, and took her child from Severus, who gave her up willingly. She perched Everly on her hip and held her head soothingly with one hand, stroking the back of her daughter's hair.
"If the two of you wish to have it out… fine, but it won't be in my presence, or my daughters." Astrid hissed, shaking her head. With a deep exhale she took Everly down the little steps and disappeared out of the office door, passed the gargoyle, down the corridor and into the grounds.
"I should go after her…" Lucius sighed some time later. The two men had decided to sit and resolve their conflict, each with an armchair and a goblet of red wine, they sat in the upstairs chambers by the fire. Neither said particularly much, they sat in their tense silence for the most part, for neither would apologise, or discuss their irks. The afternoon had almost passed into evening, the February sun would be setting before long.
"You should return to Malfoy Manor." Snape told him firmly. The Dark Lord surely will have noticed Lucius' absence by now.
"I should, but I cannot. Not until I see them both returned, not until I've held and kissed my daughter Severus." Lucius said as he took a gulp of wine. Snape was silent a moment as he looked into the dancing flames. Eventually a sigh escaped his lips as he gathered himself up for what he was about to say.
"I will speak frankly Lucius." Severus warned the man beside him. Lucius' nose twitched, his lip curling, but he nodded in response, not that Severus was for permission.
"Go on." Lucius side eyed the dark-haired wizard.
"Astrid and Everly… they are too good for you." Severus said simply. The words tore at Lucius, for he knew they bore truth, but he wouldn't let Snape know it, instead he kept his hardened expression.
"But not too good for you I assume?" Lucius sneered, raising his brows expectantly. He wanted his former friend to admit it, admit he wanted his lover, wanted his daughter, wanted his family.
"They are too good for you, too good for me, too good for anything we can offer them Lucius. All we know is pain, suffering and darkness." Severus sighed as he stared in the fire.
"You're wrong." Lucius announced, "Astrid gives me happiness, she brings out the good in me, at least… what little there, she fills my heart, makes me feel things I never knew I could feel."
"And what has she received in return Lucius?" Severus asked, taking a sip of his wine. "Pain and suffering are all she knows now."
"I gave her a child, a precious daughter, a family." Lucius defended.
"A child that was stolen from her… raised by another woman, with your blessing Everly called that woman mother."
"It was not with my blessing! I… was struggling by myself, raising a baby and Draco alone, with the Dark Lord punishing me, berating me… I'd never been involved with Draco's infant years, I had no clue what I was doing, I was worried for Everly… Narcissa stepped in to help, I didn't see the obsession that grew within her for the child, she had never wanted children after Draco was born, she found pregnancy troublesome… But I know she always wanted a daughter, to raise her as a proper lady in her image… I didn't know she was raising Everly to call her mother until it was too late… by then the damage had been done… I didn't know if I would see Astrid again… I was… too cowardly to undo it, to… correct it." Lucius told his former friend. He had missed this, talking over his problems and mistakes with his old school friend, Severus was his only confidant, and since their drifting he had bottled up everything, with no one to turn to for release.
"Were you too cowardly to turn down bedding her too?" Severus narrowed his eyes on the fire.
"Like Astrid I needed comfort too, Narcissa was familiar to me, we were married a long time Severus… she threw herself at me… it was just the once… I didn't have the strength to say no, and it shames me." Lucius admitted. With furrowed brows and a more serious tone he turned to the headmaster. "Where were your morals when you slept with my fiancé?"
Severus sighed as he looked down into his goblet of wine. Lucius' eyes flicked towards the large bed at the back of the chambers, his free hand curling into a fist as he imagined Severus and Astrid making love amongst its fine sheets, their bodies tangled and panting. He wondered if she enjoyed Severus as much as him, if he made her feel loved and cherished. He wondered if Severus held her close after, if they fell asleep together, what sweet nothings they exchanged.
"She was the one who initiated… relations." Severus told him. "She needed the comfort after the phantom pregnancy… I shouldn't have allowed it to happen, and I am sorry that it did. I told myself it was for her wellbeing and not my own… pleasure. What I said before was true, she opened her mind to me in those moments, she thought of you… not me."
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Lucius asked with a strained voice, he was sure he knew the answer already.
"I… she reminds me of a lost love," Severus swallowed, "She makes me feel… it's the shadow of what I felt before, but what I feel… it is love, but it's not complete, it's not whole, there will always be a piece missing." Severus confessed. It was the first time he had admitted it aloud. He had never told Lucius about Lily, and never would, but Lucius understood Severus' meaning, he could never let go of the love he lost, she would always haunt him and prevent him from fully falling into bliss with another woman.
"It is complete for me," Lucius said firmly, "I love her truly, madly and deeply. She deserves someone who will cherish and love her to the core Severus."
Snape shook his head as he took another sip of wine.
"No." He sighed. "She deserves safety, security, stability, someone who will not put her life in danger. Neither of us can give her what she deserves, Lucius."
Severus was right of course, in that moment in time, neither man could deserve such a woman as Astrid. Snape no matter how much Astrid filled his heart, would always have a Lily sized hole in it. Lucius as much as he loved her truly, only brought her misery as he lacked the means to keep both Astrid and their daughter safe.
"I cannot let her go again." Lucius shook his head. He couldn't, he wouldn't.
"I'm not telling you to… I'm simply telling you that she is too good, for the both of us, Everly too. With that, do what you will. I am passed trying to steer you both away from each other, it is evident the pair of you is magnetic, pulling back together despite the… obstacles you have both faced. I am not saying that is a good thing, it goes against both your better judgments, and all logic."
"When did you first feel it, love for Astrid?" Lucius asked after a moments silence. This question had been eating at him for months. He wanted to know exactly when his friend had begun to fall for his lover, after deterring Lucius from her so many times. Severus sighed as he stared in the fire, it was hard to pinpoint when, his heart grew slowly over time, but he remembered the very moment the young professor had caught his attention.
"I was instantly pulled to her…. On her first day at Hogwarts," Severus' lips almost turned up into a smile at the memory. "She made to fight Dolores Umbridge at their very first meeting, lunging for her. I intervened."
"She was filled with so much fight back then," Lucius' lips curled into a small smiled, remembering the struggles and arguments she put up with him… before she was broken by the terrible happenings that he had brought upon her.
"I recognised my feeling had grown for her… just after Everly was born, when I passed on your letter…" Severus sighed as he flashed back to that moment. "She embraced me, and I knew then… I felt rotten for it, Lucius, I did… and I am sorry."
The February sun began to set behind the distant mountains, basking the sky in hues of pink, peach and orange. Astrid and Everly sat upon the grass in the grounds just outside of the forbidden forest. Astrid watched as a group of thestral's dared to venture out from the safety of the trees, one chased a small field mouse, catching it in its sharp jaw and gobbling it up before the pair of them. Everly held her hands out to the animals.
"Horsey," The toddler said with a smile. Astrid looked down at her daughter with furrowed brows, and instinctively pulled the child onto her lap, wrapping her arms around her she placed their cheeks side by side. Astrid of course knew about Thestrals, she knew you could only see them if you had witnessed death. Madam Cadault, her magical creature's professor at Beauxbatons, had taught her about them on a school outing, the two of them were the only people able to see them at the time. To her they were interesting creatures, beautiful in a way, but also terribly spooky and a bit unnerving. Everly seemed fascinated, she didn't see them as terrifying or scary, but as magnificent winged horses. Astrid sighed, saddened suddenly by the realisation of why her daughter could see the creatures.
"Thestrals." Lucius' voice spoke calmy from behind her. She looked over her shoulder to see Everly's father approaching them slowly, his cane digging into the grass with each step. Eventually he reached them both, and lowered himself to the grass, positioning himself behind Astrid, his legs either side of hers. He pulled her back against his chest; she didn't fight it.
"What are my two beautiful girls doing out here in the cold, hmm?" Lucius asked with a kiss to the crown of Astrids head, her blonde hair was like silk against his lips.
"Everly loves the outdoors," Astrid told him, she suspected he hadn't given Everly much of a chance to leave the Manor.
"I see, and she seems to have kept her fascination for animals too." Lucius noted as Everly tried to make for the thestrals, but Astrid held her firmly back, causing the child to whimper frustratedly. Astrid handed the toddler a stick, Everly wrapped her tiny fingers around it and began banging and scraping it against the grass, attempting to dig at the earth with her new 'toy'.
"Yes, a fascination for an animal she shouldn't even be seeing." Astrid said sadly. It sounded like a dig, but she hadn't intended it to.
"Albus Dumbledore." Lucius told her; he could tell her mind wondered how Everly could see the creatures.
"Right," Astrid nodded, exhaling, her voice a whisper. "Of course, how stupid of me."
"I was a young man, barely out of school, still fairly new to the Dark Lord as a follower, I watched as he killed a mud blood for sport, it wasn't as exciting as I expected it to be, in fact, it changed me, not for the better." Lucius told her, a hint of regret, and almost… sadness in his voice.
"I hate that word." Astrid scolded him. "Why did you continue to follow him?"
"I'd made my bed, and I knew I must lie in it. To leave his service would be suicide." Lucius sighed, his voice barely a whisper, he didn't trust the Carrows not to be watching, listening, from the shadows. Astrid simply nodded.
"I think it was my mother, she died in childbirth, her heart gave in…" Astrid trailed off, she took extra interest in Everly now, watching her bang the stick against the ground, laughing as small bits snapped off. The Thestrals had disappeared now, back into their realm in the woods, startled by Everly's joyful laughter.
"Antonia," Lucius spoke her name with familiarity.
"You knew her?" Astrid asked with curious eyes.
"Yes, she was the wife of one of the Dark Lords very first followers, I never conversed with her much… she was very beautiful." Lucius informed her. "White blonde hair, pale skin, aqua blue eyes, she was very tall, slim and elegant. A complete contrast to her husband, Atticus' father… he was a short stout man, dark hair, olive skin, an unpleasant man."
"She was in love with my father," Astrid sighed. "Though they were on opposing sides of a war, they fell in love… and made me."
Lucius knew what she was getting at.
"We are repeating history, are we not?" Astrid asked as she stroked down her daughter's hair. Lucius too reached for Everly, covering Astrid's tiny hand with his he stroked the back of his daughter's head lovingly before wrapping his fingers around Astrid's hand and bringing it up to his lips, where he placed loving kisses on her palm.
"No, we're not." Lucius said firmly. "I will not let you share your mother's fate, Astrid."
"I already-"
"No." Lucius repeated, "I know I have been… less than ideal, I have caused you great pain, broken promises, lost your trust… but I promise now, on my life Astrid, to love and protect you until my dying days."