Chapter 54. Rejection
Astrid approached Severus cautiously as he looked out over the foggy castle grounds from an arch shaped ledge in the tower. Silently Astrid slipped to his side and peered through the haze: Hogwarts students marching across the bridge into the castle, returning from their easter break. The Carrows escorted them ominously, their distant shouts could be heard through the thickening fog.
Severus hadn't even sensed Astrid's presence, highly unusual for him to be so unaware of his surroundings. He just looked solemnly at his students as they began their last term of the school year… there was notably fewer students than had left for the easter break. It broke Severus's heart inside, to see his school, his students in such a miserable state, to have fallen so far from greatness. The first place he had truly called home was now a place of fear and loathing, with tensions rising every day.
Astrid touched upon Severus' arm with a delicate hand, startling him slightly from his far away state.
"Severus?" Astrid asked, looking up into his sorrow filled face, she had never seen him in such a state, even after everything. She looked into his dark eyes and only saw pain, sadness. Severus didn't answer her, not right away, so Astrid pressed him further with a soft, slightly croaky voice. "What's wrong?"
Severus avoided the question, instead looking almost through Astrid, a look of confusion flashed upon his face for a brief moment before he regained his usual composed self.
"Where is Everly?" He asked, glancing over the grounds one last time before stepping away from the ledge.
"With Poppy, she's getting her first early wizarding vaccinations…" Astrid trailed off as she looked at Severus worriedly, he'd gone absent again.
"I cannot believe she is already of that age…" Severus murmured to himself.
"Severus, are you okay?" Astrid asked, placing a hand more firmly on his arm this time, she gave it a slight squeeze as she slightly cocked her head to the side.
"Was there something you needed me for Astrid, or did you just happen across me up here?" Severus asked as he straightened up and looked down his nose at the girl with a slightly cold expression.
"Narcissa is in your office, waiting for you." Astrid told him, crossing her arms across her chest she exhaled deeply, "She's in a bit of a state."
"Do tell, what kind of state?" Severus asked as the two began walking in the direction of the headmaster office, their leather shoes patting softly on the stone floor as they walked.
"Upset… panicked, scared… I asked her what it was regarding, she refused to speak to me… wouldn't even look at me." Astrid exhaled with a huff, if anyone deserved a cold shoulder, it was Narcissa Malfoy, not the other way around.
"At least… she did not curse you, after your last encounter…" Severus commented as they descended a flight of stairs.
"It should be I cursing her, not the other way around, the great pretender!" Astrid huffed as she tried to keep up with Severus' long strides.
The rest of the brisk walk back to Severus' office was in silence, in truth Astrid was a little out of breath, her chest tightening as her heart beat faster. She pressed her fingers to her sternum and took deep breaths as she scurried after Severus.
Entering the office, Severus and Astrid looked upon Narcissa Malfoy who, with shaking hands politely folded into her lap, was sat on the chaise longue, staring absently at a crate of children's toys besides Severus' desk.
"Narcissa." Severus greeted the woman, he strode passed her and leant against his desk, his eyes never leaving the woman. Astrid hovered at the edge of the room, slowly making her way around the perimeter and stood quietly behind Severus' desk, as if it would protect her from her love rival.
"Severus," She choked out barely, she pushed herself up to stand weakly. Her eyes were red, her skin sallow.
"What do you need Narcissa? I am short on time." Severus sighed, crossing his arms across his chest warily. Narcissa's lip trembled slightly.
"It was the… potter boy." Narcissa spoke breathily, Astrid's ears perked up, her back straightening. She hadn't heard anything of Harry for months and months. She sometimes wondered if he was dead, if the Dark Lord had secretly won, but she knew better, if the Dark Lord had won, he would have everyone know it.
"The snatchers caught him, and his two little friends," Narcissa began, her voice trembling. Astrid's heart sank in her chest, was she about to tell them Harry was dead? Or soon to be? Caught by the Dark Lord and ready for a public execution? Or worse?
"Go on." Severus' tight vocals slipped out of unmoving lips.
"We had him, at the manor… It was really him…." Narcissa's words only made Astrids insides clench and flip, this could not be! "Lucius… he summoned the Dark Lord, to hand over the prize! But by time his arrival… the boy escaped. My sister… she has smoothed things over with the Dark Lord, you know she has a way with him… but my son Severus… the Dark Lord is unforgiving, he needs your help. And Lucius…" Narcissa's eyes flicked to Astrid, and to her surprise the woman's greyish blue orbs were not full of hate, but pain, and something else Astrid could not decipher. "… was unable to stop them, the boy and his friends attacked us, nearly killed my sister, stole my Draco's wand!"
"I have told you all to approach the potter boy with caution, he may be just a boy Narcissa, but he is well trained and his feats are as long as any great wizard, you were fools to take him to the manor! He should have been brought here, to me!" Severus spat and hissed, pushing himself off his desk he paced back and forth.
"Lucius wanted to hand the boy to the Dark Lord himself, reap the reward for the Malfoy name." Narcissa told the headmaster. A twinge of pain inside Astrid made her swallow hard, how could Lucius do that? Hand a teenage boy willingly over to be killed? She was not ignorant of Lucius past deeds, but she thought those days behind him, for her. He had told her time and time again he only served for their survival, but his recent actions seemed to prove otherwise, he sought to impress the Dark Lord, sought his praise and good graces.
Astrid argued with herself, it must be for good reason! No reason is good enough, she told herself, Astrid herself had ignored the Dark Lords offer to cure her of her curse in exchange for her loyalty and servitude to him. She chose morals over her own life. Sure, the Dark Lord was mad, his lip had curled at the corners showing his distaste in her answer, she had politely refused his offer and told him she wished to live out her days as a slave to Severus, she was quite convincing as she spun her lie, thanking him for the offer, but telling him she was too weak, too cowardly to say yes. She told him that she would rather live a miserable life at Hogwarts under Severus and the Carrows, than be a disappointment to the Dark Lord and face his wrath. She had said that she was scared, and not brave enough to accept his risky offer, for she knew it was a double-edged sword. Succeed and be freed of her curse, fail and be tortured and eventually killed. He had accepted her reasoning with a sneer, told Atticus she had inherited their mother's cowardice, told Astrid that she and Lucius were clearly two cowards made for each other and dismissed them both.
Astrid had turned down an opportunity to see her daughter grow into a beautiful young woman in order to do the right thing and deny the Dark Lord her servitude. Yet Lucius offered Harry up on a platter, like the good lap dog he was, or wanted to be. Astrid shook her head slightly, closing her eyes for a moment, her fists had closed up, nails digging into her skin.
"Lucius should have known better." Severus sneered, his eyes briefly flicked to Astrid, she met his gaze, her eyes filled with disappointment. "I presume he is currently serving punishment, from the Dark Lord?" Severus asked. Narcissa nodded slowly.
"There's another thing…" Narcissa announced as she cleared the croak in her throat. "He had the Sword of Gryffindor; the boy has been in my sister's vault! I know not what he could find in there, Bella is… secretive. But she told me you would know the severity of this, that you could help her, Severus."
Severus' lip twitched as he sighed deeply.
"I do know the severity of this Narcissa, there are items in your sister's vault that could quite easily… be used against the Dark Lord. Even your sister could face his wrath if he was to find out, I presume he is not aware?"
"He is not." Narcissa answered.
"It must remain that way." Severus sighed, his pacing stopped and he pressed his fingers to his lips as he thought for a moment.
"Please Severus, you must help my family, Draco, Bella… Me… we need your help Severus now more than ever please," Narcissa practically begged, her eyes were pleading, shiny, threatening to drop tears.
"And Lucius?" Severus asked, raising his brows. Narcissa's eyes darted to Astrid.
"He is not my family… Not anymore."
Severus nodded hesitantly.
"I will see you back to the manor Narcissa, I must speak with Bellatrix urgently." Severus exhaled holding out his arm, essentially herding Narcissa towards the fireplace.
"Thank you, Severus," Narcissa almost choked out, her voice cracking with the weight of her thanks, she would owe him dearly for this.
The pair made their way to the fireplace and Astrid looked on with a deep sigh, fiddling with her fingers nervously she couldn't push away thoughts of Lucius and his attempted dark deeds, his moral betrayal. A knock at the door froze the three of them, and all eyes fell on the door.
A second later it pushed open slowly, relief filled Severus even before he saw who entered, for he knew it was not the abrupt arrival of a Carrow. Either of the twins learning of his departure from the school grounds would lead to mayhem at Hogwarts, no matter how brief his absence.
It was Poppy Pomfrey that pushed slowly through the door to the headmaster's office, Everly scampered after her, attempting to take fistfuls of the matrons skirt to steady her quick paced little steps.
"Sorry headmaster, I seem to be interrupting…" Madam Pomfrey cleared her throat as she looked to Narcissa with surprise. Everly passed by Madam Pomfrey and toddled into the office arms outstretched for her mother.
Narcissa stared at the child, swallowing hard she watched how the child smiled delightfully as she made her way towards her mother. Astrid met her halfway, descending the stairs she scooped up her daughter protectively, holding her tightly on her hip, Everly wrapped her little arms around her mother's neck, pulling her into a sloppy kiss. Narcissa's longing gaze lowered as she met Astrids firm stare.
"How did she get on?" Astrid stepped over to Poppy and asked lowly as she tried her best to ignore the woman in black. Astrid couldn't help her eyes darting to Narcissa as Severus ushered her towards the fireplace. He watched Narcissa carefully, his hand ready to pull out his wand if needed. But Narcissa complied and followed his direction to the floo, and stepping into the fireplace she looked back over her shoulder to the little girl sadly as she disappeared in green flame and smoke.
"She did brilliantly," Poppy smiled, pinching at the toddlers' full happy cheeks. "Mild discomfort and upset, she had a little nap to sleep it off and now she's happy as a lamb."
Severus had hesitated, loitering in the fireplace until he heard confirmation of Everly's good health following her inoculation, and upon getting the news he wanted Severus too vanished in green.
It was nightfall by time Severus returned to Hogwarts. He was greeted by Astrid who had stayed up in wait, nursing her third large glass of red wine by the fireside. She sat forward in her armchair, anxious eyes watching Severus emerge from the green flame, she held the glass between two hands, resting her elbows on her knees.
"You're up late." Severus stated as he approached Astrid slowly, he spotted the empty bottle of wine laying on its side by the foot of her armchair. She had good taste, it was vintage, aged since before his time at Hogwarts.
"I couldn't sleep." Astrid sighed with a slight slur, sitting back in her chair she brought her glass up to her lips. Severus planted himself down in the empty arm chair to her left and leant back slowly, resting his hands upon the chair arms. "How are things at Malfoy manor?" Astrid asked, crossing her legs she rested her wine glass upon her thigh and her fingers drummed the glass nervously.
"Delicate." Severus sighed. "Potter was indeed there, escaping narrowly with the prisoners."
"What prisoners?" Astrid asked with a hitch in her throat. She flashbacked to her time in the manor's dungeon, and then her imagination took over, picturing Camille's last days curled up on its dark damp stone floor, awaiting her execution.
"Lucius never told you?" Severus narrowed his eyes on Astrid, "No… of course he didn't." He spoke mostly to himself, he exhaled deeply closing his eyes for a moment he pinched the bride of his nose before speaking with Astrid candidly.
"Lucius has been keeping a number of… individuals in his dungeon for the Dark Lord, Mr Olivander is among them… as is young Miss Lovegood,"
"Impossible, I-I received a letter from her father, telling me that… that he had chosen to pull her out of school for her safety."
"A lie I'm afraid… she was kidnapped at Christmas, held for ransom, that is why she did not return, Astrid." Snape told her firmly. She believed him. Astrid lifted her glass to her lips and drained the remainder of it in one long gulp before setting it down on the floor as she leant forward, placing her head in her hands. Her fingers massaged her temples as she leant onto her knees.
"Was it… Lucius doing?" Astrid asked shakily.
"It was not under his order, but… he was very much involved Astrid." Severus told her, he watched as the truth ate at her. "Astrid he must do as the Dark Lord asks, just the same as me or you… it does not make him any worse than us." Severus tried to smooth out the matter.
"Would you hand Harry over to the Dark Lord?" Astrid asked, raising her head out of her hands she looked at Severus with a pained expression. Severus sighed, and hesitantly shook his head no.
"Exactly, nor would I… I would rather die," Astrid choked, wobblily pushing herself up from the arm chair she made her way to Snape's stash of firewhiskey high up on the book shelves out of Everly's reach. Going onto her tippy toes she reached up, her fingers coaxing the bottle of the shelf slowly. The hem of her night dress rose dangerously high as she made the reach, before falling back to her mid-thigh when she pulled the bottle down in her hand.
"Lucius is not a… motivated by morals, he does not care if his actions fall either side of the compass… as long as he gets to his end goal, he is willing to do anything. Astrid, surely you realised this by now?" Severus asked as he brought his hand up to his face, resting the tips of his fingers on his temple he leaned into his hand. Astrid spun the cap off the bottle of firewhiskey, sending it whizzing across the office floor to be lost in shadow. She raised the bottle straight to her lips taking a long swig before making her way unsteadily back to her seat.
"And what is his end goal?" She asked with a smirk and a huff.
"You think he would divulge that information to me? After everything that has happened?" Severus mused as he watched Astrid plop down into her chair lazily, taking another swig of burning liquid.
"Take a guess," Astrid hummed with distaste, "He's your oldest friend, surely you have an… an idea?"
Severus thought for a moment as he eyed Astrid drunkenly taking another sip of firewhiskey, a droplet of the amber liquid rolled from the side of her lip towards her chin, but she caught it with the back of her hand as she wiped at her face lazily. Severus held out his hand for the bottle, which Astrid handed over with a wary side eye. He took the bottle to his lips and took a large swig himself, the liquid burned his throat, searing his oesophagus and settling like a cinder in his stomach.
"I would think… he means to gain the Dark Lords favour… so that he may grovel and ask you be returned to him." Severus told her. Astrid scoffed at Severus' words.
"He would essentially…" Astrid hiccupped, "exchange an innocent boy, a teenage boy the same age as his own son, for me?" She asked, holding out her hand for the bottle. Severus hesitantly handed it over and watched her take a long gulp, her lips wrapping around where he had just had his own lips.
"And Everly… as flawed as he is Astrid… he will do anything for his family, anything."
"Well then… I… I wish I wasn't his family, if it means he will do… heinous horrible things in our honour." Astrid sniffed, she offered the bottle to Severus, but he shook his head, rejecting another drink. Astrid took one more swig for the sake of it before placing the bottle down on the floor with a small thud.
"You may want to mean those words Astrid… but you love him." Severus told her wisely. Astrid ran her hands through her hair with a sigh, pushing her waves off her face she raked her nails across her scalp.
"Times like this… I wish I didn't." she exhaled drunkenly. "I wish I had fallen for a different man, a… better man."
"But alas, you didn't."
"Why can I not still? Who says I should only have one love for my whole life? There are billions of people on this planet… why should I just love him?" She asked irritably, furrowing her brows, she reached down for the bottle and lifted it to her lips once again, taking a frustrated drink from it. "How many have you loved… in your life Severus?"
Severus stared at her as she placed the bottle back down and held her chin in her hands, her elbows rested upon her knees. Large round shiny eyes stared at him awaiting his answer. Severus opened his mouth to speak, but closed his lips for a moment, pursing them together as he thought over his words momentarily.
"Two." His deep voice vibrated.
"Two?" Astrid asked, raising her brows, "Then why can I not have two? Or even three loves?"
"Do not wish your love away so quickly Astrid," Severus scolded as he stared into the fire. "I lost my first love… the pain… of losing her was unbearable." He admitted, he wasn't sure what made him so forthcoming that evening, perhaps it was the firewhiskey, or the vulnerability of the young woman before him.
"And your second love?" Astrid pried with innocent eyes. Severus sighed, his jaw tightened and relaxed as he looked upon her blissful ignorance, he couldn't help but curl his lip up in a small sad smile as he spoke.
"Unrequited." He said simply as he looked into the dancing flames.
"I'm sorry," Astrid apologised with a soft sigh, "I'm sure… she's an idiot." Astrid hiccupped.
"She is far from idiotic." Severus hummed, his gaze met Astrids and finally she saw the truth behind his eyes. Her brows knitted together slowly as realisation passed over her, and eventually she raised her hand and pointed to her chest with a questioning look.
"Yes." Severus nodded as he tore his gaze away sadly. Moments of awkward silence passed them as she tried to think of what to say in her drunken state.
"I didn't… I thought… I didn't realise… that it was love Severus." Astrid swallowed, she tried to meet his eyes, but he was too engrossed in the fire to look her way. Guilt filled her as she thought back to their times together, how she must have led him on, of course she knew he liked her, but love? Severus was not overly expressive of his feelings; she didn't realise they were as deep as that.
"Even if you had Astrid… you would never have returned my feelings." Severus spoke into the fire, his voice slightly bitter. Astrid swallowed hard.
"Why… why didn't you tell me? Before now?" Astrid's brows furrowed angrily, her drunkenness pointing her frustrations in Severus' direction.
"There are a thousand reasons why I did not voice my feelings Astrid, the main being that I knew you did not feel the same way." Severus sighed with exasperation, already regretting his candour. Astrid stood abruptly, swaying slightly but gaining her balance she balled her fists.
"Why tell me now?" She asked, her voice trembling slightly.
"I don't know." Severus admitted as he stared her firmly in the eye. "I guess… I know I probably will not get another chance."
Astrid wasn't numb to the sadness in his voice, there was a sense of foreboding behind his words.
"What is that supposed to mean?" her words dripped with attitude, but also… concern.
"The end to this war is coming Astrid… more quickly than you realise… I'm fairly certain… I will not see the end of it." It was the first time Severus had voiced this aloud, admitted in spoken words that he was probably going to meet his demise before the winds of Autumn came about. There was another reason he had ensured it was he who killed Dumbledore after all, not just because it was Albus' request, but because of his need… his vow… to protect the young master Malfoy.
"You can't know that," Astrid shook her head, pushing her hair out of her eyes she exhaled deeply.
"I do know it Astrid, the Dark Lord will kill me before the first autumn leaf falls… It is a calculated certainty… so forgive my forthrightness," Severus sighed as he avoided Astrid's gaze, instead watching the dancing flames sweep over the log in the fire. He was caught off guard by what happened next… A weight on his lap tore his gaze from the fire, and placed it on the girl who clumsily straddled him in the chair. Astrid rest two hands against his chest, steadying her swaying body she looked into his eyes, a small tear escaping her own.
"I do not want you to die Severus." She told him, her brow wrinkling.
"Your sentiments are… appreciated Astrid, but they have no bearing on what will happen, you cannot stop it, and neither can I." Severus admitted as he reached up and tucked a fallen wave behind Astrid's ear.
"I'm sorry." Astrid's voice wobbled, she was sorry for everything, his impending death, her unrequited love, his lost first love, for being universally hated despite his sacrifices… she was sorry for it all.
"You have nothing to apologise for." He told her calmly. Her nose scrunched in disagreement, but she didn't voice it, instead slowly she leant down and placed a small tender kiss on his lips. She tasted of the cherry wine she had been drinking, and then the familiar burn of the firewhiskey tingled Severus' lips. It reminded him of her inebriated state and with all his inner strength he pushed her away gently yet firmly by the shoulder. Annoyance, anger, hurt, and rejection flashed her face for just a moment as she looked down upon the headmaster.
"You are drunk Astrid." Severus said simply as he took her wrists in his large elegant hands and delicately pulled her palms from his chest and placed them carefully in her lap. "You should go to bed." He told her, it was obvious to Astrid it was an order, not a suggestion. She shook her head no, her movements sloppy and exaggerated due to the alcohol coursing through her veins.
"Only… if you come with me." She said with drink induced confidence. But Severus shook his head.
"I cannot."
But Astrid was not willing to take that as his answer, she sighed exasperatedly and lightly slapped at his chest.
"Why not?" She choked, unable to take the rejection in her state, it stung her for reasons she couldn't explain.
"Astrid, you are drunk, I would be taking advantage," Severus tried to reason with her, "and you will regret it come the morning… I am not the man you love Astrid."
"But… but… you love me, don't you?" Her voice trembled.
"I do… and that is why I cannot."