Chapter 21 - Marceline (Originally Published: 25 December 2015)

This will destroy you.

Marceline watched her breath become a white mist floating from her lips, imagining her ghost departing her body in order to escape the inevitable storm she'd created. The monophonic harmony playing through her earbuds had been building to a crescendo, a cacophony of uncommon instruments, before finally reaching its climax in a violent and deafening resolution.

She closed her eyes, letting the music flow through her. Bits and pieces stuck out, and she took the time to carefully dissect their makeup. The compilation of many different sounds to form one long string of beautiful mathematics resonated with her on a spiritual level. Music was raw, uninhibited emotion, and for her, it was the only thing that made any sense. Even an instrumental piece, like the album she'd been listening to today, was so full of passion and personal flavour. It helped her sort through her own thoughts and feelings when she came out here to listen. Some people might have preferred the sounds of nature, but nature didn't understand Marceline like music did. Perhaps it was because her head was too clouded, and the sounds of birds chirping and nothingness were too unimaginative.

There were other people in the park today, going about their own business. She sort of envied them and their seemingly uneventful lives. Or maybe they're just better at hiding their problems.

The sound of a child laughing made her smile. It was bitter-sweet to see such happiness in a small person, knowing that she would not likely have that type of joy ever again.

She wondered if it should be considered a sign that her life only started falling apart once she moved back to Whitewater. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have spoken to Bonnibel again, subsequently resurfacing feelings she'd buried. She wouldn't have gotten hurt over the Mertens brothers hating her or fallen victim to her own stupidity and lost Guy, Keila, and Bongo. Seemingly the only good thing that'd happened to her was Phoebe, but that was a double-edged sword. Phoebe would be her saving grace and her ultimate demise.

She hated herself for pushing everyone she'd ever felt close to away and for bringing someone so fragile into the inexorable vortex of sadness and despair permanently surrounding her. The way she saw herself, Marceline was a tornado that would eventually destroy everything she held dear.

It hurt her so much now to be close to Bonnie, but pushing her away wasn't granting any favours either. Marceline wasn't sure which was worse, only that this whole entire thing had been her own fault.

It was her pathetic optimism that had convinced her there was a chance Bonnie could want to be with her. She shouldn't have been surprised to find out what she'd known all along - that Bonnibel was straight.

She inhaled deeply, letting the cold, thin air pierce her lungs.

Today had been the first time she'd seen them together… really together. They looked so happy.

Without her.

A figure stepped into her light, distracting her from her thoughts. Whatever they said to her was lost beyond her music, but as Marceline turned to see if she might know the newcomer she found herself rather disappointed. Nevertheless, she took out one of her earbuds and glared at Keila as she sat down.

The one moment of peace that I get and Keila just interrupts it like she's not part of the reason for me being here.

"It really is brilliant out here. I can kind of understand why you come here to think." Keila leaned back on her arms, watching a couple play with their dog a little ways off.

Marceline was still mad and hurting from everything that happened, and she didn't want to talk to Keila right now. Maybe not ever again… but even as she thought this, she left her earbud out, dangling from her shirt so she could hear what the other girl might have to say. "It was better before you got here. Now it's shit."

Keila chuckled. "That's fair. I'm the worst friend anyone could have. Leslie probably treats her friends better than I have you." She sat up and turned her whole body towards Marceline. "I didn't do it to hurt you, I swear. I just told them to let me handle it if they ever got together."

"Why though? Why couldn't you let Bonnibel tell me herself?" Marceline's voice cracked and squeaked on every other word. "If I'd heard it from her I wouldn't feel so stupid for thinking I had a chance. Do you know how much more it hurts to hear it from you instead?"

Keila distracted herself from making eye contact by rubbing at a smudge on her shoe. "I know, and that was bad on my part. Bonnie really wanted to be the one to tell you, but how do you think that would have turned out? You would have lost your shit in front of her, and I know you. You're impulsive. What would you have blurted out if you were standing there when she told you? I didn't think you'd want her to know how you felt, especially after she and Bongo started dating. That's why I told them to let me handle it."

It hurt a lot to finally hear the words, yet Marceline felt more numb than anything else right now. As much as it pained her to admit it, Keila was in the right. Marceline was too stubborn to say it out loud, but had it been Bonnie who told her she would have possibly crumbled and admitted everything. No matter how she turned the hypothetical encounter over in her mind, it always ended the same way. She would break and blabber all the things that should remain hidden, ruining yet another thing in her life. It truly was better this way.

An extended silence settled over them, making the space more and more tense for it being there.

Keila was the one to eventually break it. "You should come to the lake with us, Marce. It was your idea to get Bonnie to go, after all."

"Yeah, K, but I always dreamed it would be with me." Marceline stared at her hands, realising that they were never meant to hold Bonnie. She wasn't as strong as Bongo, wasn't as selfless or… worthy. The unspoken word felt like acid on her tongue. Marceline was unworthy of Bonnie's love.

Keila rubbed soothing circles in her back. "Well, you're going to have to show your face someday. Or were you really planning on never speaking to Bonnie again?"

"It just sucks, you know? They seem happy together..." Marceline felt a sharp sting in her chest. Even if she and Bonnie did have a chance in some alternate universe, she was far too immature for the kind of relationship she wanted to have. Marceline would probably ruin Bonnie the same way that she did everything else - by being herself - and then where would she be? Without a girlfriend as well as missing her best friend to cheer her up.

"For the most part, yeah. They both feel guilty for hurting you though. I think it's getting in the way of them feeling justified for the relationship. We all want you back in our lives, Marce. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to them."

She stared out over the park for a long time from her seat on the side of the hill, contemplating whether or not it would be worth it. Truth be told, she couldn't stand to be so close and yet so far from Bonnie. Her friends had always been good to her as well, but she was hurting. She wondered if the tightness in her chest would eventually fade, or if she could set herself on fire to make their lives easier. "I just don't know, K. You're asking a lot from me."

Keila smirked. "I told you I was a bad friend." She looked away, suddenly serious again. "You don't have to, of course. I totally understand if you never want to talk to any of us again. And I know being around Bonnie is bound to suck, but we miss you." Keila put a hand on Marceline's shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze. "I'll be here to keep you company while you deal with everything. I just can't imagine not having you around any longer. Just think about it, okay?"

"I guess." Marceline looked at her sceptically. "How did you get here?"

"Bongo's waiting in the car. I told him to give me twenty minutes to talk to you. I've been coming here every day knowing that I'd eventually catch you." Keila chewed her lip, letting a silence settle between them. "So… Phoebe?" she asked, changing the subject to avoid the image-ruining implication that she'd tried too hard for anything.

"We're dating now." Marceline ground her teeth together. "I'm mad at myself for it, but at the same time she takes the sting away."

The look on Keila's face told her that she still feared for what Phoebe might do. "Just don't get too attached to someone you don't plan on being with."

Marceline lifted a brow. "That's it? No 'Marce, what are you doing? Phoebe is evil'?"

"You said it helps." Keila shrugged. "I hate her, but I can play nice for your sake. Besides, I know you're not really interested in her. Just be careful with what you say to her. It's still Phoebe."

Marceline nodded. It wouldn't ease her fears to tell Keila that Phoebe was harmless. Although, there had to be some truth behind all the rumours. Whether or not she believed her girlfriend was capable of everything she'd heard about, it would be smart to stay cautious.

"Bongo's probably wondering where I am." Keila stood up, wiping the dirt off her jeans. "Do you want to come hang out with us for a bit? We're just going to chill at his house."

"Don't you think that would be weird?"

Keila shook her head. "You know how the boys are. They just kind of go with the motions. But I wasn't lying when I said everybody misses you, Marce. I'm sure they'll be happy to see you."

Marceline held a hand up for Keila to help her to her feet. It would be nice to go back to the way things used to be, and despite her misgivings, the only way she could know if it was possible would be to try.

She followed Keila to a back road nearby. Not many people travelled it, making Marceline's quiet spot all the more inaccessible. If they'd come up from the park below, they'd have to climb a ridiculously steep slope and deal with hidden holes and possible sprained ankles. She enjoyed the peace of people watching from far away.

Bongo's car was parked on the side of the road, the engine still running. When Marceline opened the back door, the driver seemed pleasantly surprised to see her. There was no boisterous greeting. In fact, other than a quiet hello and a little wave of his hand, Bongo said nothing to her. It wasn't out of rudeness or awkward strain. It was just Bongo. He wasn't the brightest book in the silverware drawer, but he understood that she didn't care to bring up tense situations until she was good and ready - which she rarely was. Nearly all of their previous fights fell by the wayside, and that was the way their group liked it.

The car ride was short in comparison to the time it took her to get to her own house, and even though it was quiet in the car she felt at home. It wasn't lonely to be alone with Bongo and Keila, which was more than she could say for many of the people she interacted with on a day-to-day basis.

When they arrived, the three of them snuck up to his room. Guy was already there, playing some noisy game on a handheld device. He acknowledged Marceline only with a smile and a nod.

Bongo sat on top of a table that he kept in one corner of the room. It was covered in stains and burns and reminders of other mishaps, having been used for games in all of Bongo's house parties since the four of them had started drinking. He kicked his feet back and forth under him, like an excited child. She could at least appreciate that he was happy to see her even after she'd been a selfish prick. "What do you want to do, Marce?" he asked.

She collapsed onto his bed, sinking into the comfortably firm mattress. "I don't know." Her eyes fluttered shut, enjoying the familiarity of the scent clinging to his pillow. That painfully numb feeling shot through her again; she sat up quickly, trying to portray nonchalance as she moved further away from that all-too-familiar sweet perfume.

"We could play some music or something," Guy suggested. "We haven't done that in quite a while."

Bongo hopped down from his seat atop the table. "You and I played earlier today."

"I meant as a whole group, drums-for-brains."

Keila nudged her with a foot. "Does that sound like something you'd want to do, Marce?"

In response to the question, she got up to grab the bass guitar that sat in the corner of Bongo's room. He hadn't ever managed to learn to play anything other than drums, but he kept other instruments around. The once failed projects were there for his friends to use in jam sessions.

Keila took a guitar down from the wall stand, plugging it into the speaker cabinet that Bongo used primarily as a table. Her boyfriend was already dragging a chair over to the keyboard.

As she waited for her friends to set up, she realised the irony of her and Bongo's chosen instruments. She'd always thought that there had to be a bond between a drummer and bassist. If the two of them connected, their chemistry would make for great music. Bongo and Marceline were so alike that they'd fallen for the same girl, and even though she couldn't blame him - Bonnie was great - she hated that she could never stay mad at him either.

Guy turned around in his seat, checking to see that everyone was plugged in and ready to go. "Someone start us off."

"On it." Marceline plucked out a short improv bass lick, adding changes with every bar. It wasn't meant to be anything coherent, but it was therapeutic. She translated her jumbled emotions into clusters of notes and chords, rambling on behind the veil of distorted melody.

Bongo followed her lead with a simple kick and snare pattern, adding on to the pattern as he took more time to analyse her sound. It wasn't long before they were playing as a whole unit. She considered singing, but she worried that whatever would come out of her would be too deep of a look into her inner psyche. It was fun though, and the melancholic tune soon evolved into an upbeat, cheerful melody.

By the time she realised her phone had been vibrating in her pocket, she already had seven missed calls from Phoebe. Marceline picked up on the eighth.

"Do you still need a ride? I'm done with what I had to do," Phoebe said. Her voice was held back and stilted, probably a good indication that Leslie was nearby.

"Yeah. I'm at Bongo's house. I'll text you the directions." She muttered a quick goodbye and hung up.

Keila glanced at the time on her phone. "You're leaving so soon?"

"Yeah. I have homework and stuff to do." She typed up a quick summary of the main roads to the Roland residence and sent it off. Part of her didn't want to leave yet, but she knew herself well enough that if she'd stayed around for too long, some unwelcome thoughts might slip into her head - and Marceline was never good at keeping her mouth shut.

Guy switched off the keyboard and leaned back in the chair, his feet lazily sprawled out. "Was that Phoebe? I thought she only had play rehearsal on Fridays."

"Yeah. She was having coffee with a friend or something. I don't know. I don't want to get too caught up in her personal business."

For some unknown reason, Bongo appeared to be uncomfortable. He kept looking at her and then away and back at her, fidgeting nervously. He had always liked Phoebe before, but she knew it was probably Bonnie's opinion that swayed his so randomly.

She didn't have any time to ask him about it though, as her ride home arrived before the topic arose. She said goodbye to her friends, happy to have them back, and showed herself out.

Leslie's car was waiting outside the front gate to Bongo's house. It wasn't the most luxurious vehicle she'd ridden in, but it was much too flashy for her own tastes. The windows were tinted as well, and she always had to guess which side Leslie's school stuff would be stacked on.

"Hey girls," Marceline said when she got in. They both greeted her, seemingly uninterested in her presence. It was something she'd gotten used to during Leslie's many charitable drives out to the countryside.

Phoebe turned in her seat to look at Marceline in the back. "I've missed you," she mouthed. She'd made it clear that she didn't want to be affectionate in front of certain people. Leslie was at the top of that list. "How was your day?" she asked, covering up the reason she'd turned around.

"It was all right. I was hanging out at that record store you like after school. They offered me a job."

"Really?" Phoebe looked rather surprised. "Are you planning on taking it?"

She shrugged. "I do need a new car. Speaking of, thanks again, Leslie." The other girl nodded. "The holidays are coming up as well," Marceline said, distractedly toying with the red hair tie around her wrist. "By the way, is there something you'd want for Christmas, Pheebs?"

Phoebe's eyes traced the red band around Marceline's wrist. She swallowed whatever she might say and smiled. "Please don't get me anything. I would just like to spend the day with you."

"I can do that. Do your folks do anything for Christmas?"

She laughed bitterly. "No. I wouldn't say that they do."

Marceline bobbed her head slowly. "You should come over to my house instead then. Simon and I unwrap gifts and watch lame films. It's not the most fun waste of time, but it's the company that counts."

"That sounds delightful, really."

Her phone rang, had been ringing for the past thirty seconds. Marceline stared at it, a prey watching its predator from a safe spot, careful not to move or make the slightest sound.

The dangerous device went dim, quiet for a moment - just long enough for her to catch a breath before it lit up again.

Bonnibel Bauers - now: Voicemail

Marceline's hand shook as she picked up her phone. Sliding her finger across the notification on the touch screen, she opened the voicemail. A quiet sigh played immediately as she put the receiver to her ear.

"Hey Marcy." An audible swallow. "Am I still allowed to call you that? I don't know where we stand anymore. I-" She could hear Bonnie's feet shuffling as she paced back and forth in her room. Marceline laid on her stomach, pulling her pillow over to rest on. There was a tremble to Bonnie's voice when she began to speak again. "I can't do this without you. You don't know how much it hurts for you to push me away like you have been. I know things are weird, and I know I messed up. I take full responsibility for that, but there has to be something I can do to make it up to you. I miss you so much that it hurts." Bonnie sniffled. "I just want my best friend back. Maybe I don't deserve you, but I need you. Please just… Call me when you're ready to talk. I… I love you."

The line clicked, and Marceline stared at her phone for a long time. What am I doing?

She put the phone to her ear again, ignoring the restless beating of her heavy heart. It only reminded her how terrible she'd been to all of them. How could she face Bonnie now?

Submerged in her own thoughts, it took Marceline a moment to realise the ringing had stopped. "Hello?"

A whoosh of air blew into the receiver as the girl on the other end let go of a breath she'd been holding. "Marceline," she said, and it was easy to imagine the crinkling of her smile despite the quiet strain in her voice from tears she'd likely cried.

In that instant, any sort of resentment or hesitance or negativity she'd still been harbouring towards Bonnie evaporated. "Hey Bonnibel."

"Please hear me out, okay?" Bonnie started.

I've already forgiven you. You don't have to do this.

"I wanted to tell you about Bongo and I, and I know I should have, but-"

"I know." Marceline wrinkled her nose, fighting for what little strength she still had. "It's okay. I'm sorry too."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." The springs of Bonnie's bed could be heard shifting under her weight. "What are you doing right now?"

"Laying in bed," Marceline said. She rolled over to stare up at her ceiling.

"Could we do a video call?"

Marceline's stomach did a… a thing. "I mean, kind of an odd request this late at night, but sure."

The background noise from Bonnie's house cut off, and Marceline checked her phone to accept the video call request. When the screen loaded, her childhood friend was laying in bed with the covers pulled up to her neck.

Bonnie rested her hand on her pillow, pushing it down to see the screen. Her eyes were red and puffy, lit up by the phone in her dark room. "I've missed you."

Marceline propped her phone up against the wall. "I missed you too, Bonnibel." Bonnie blinked back tears of joy for having been forgiven. That, coupled with the obvious signs of Bonnie crying before the call, made Marceline feel conflicted - happy that Bonnie cared so damn much about her, but terrible for being the one to put her in that state to begin with. She really wasn't worthy of this amazing girl. "I'm sorry for being an arseface," she said, feeling dejected.

Bonnie laughed - a light chuckle at first, followed by a hearty laugh. "Don't say that. Your face is perfect."

"I think that's an exaggeration, but okay." A warning that Marceline's phone was low on battery flashed over the screen. She took the mobile with her to the other side of the room to grab the charger, being sure to stay in view of the camera as she listened to one of Bonnie's charming anecdotes. Apparently Finn and Jake saved her from a spider earlier today, like she was some kind of damsel in distress. Marceline plugged her phone charger into the outlet next to her bed, and then into the device itself. She had to readjust its placement now that the charge cable was plugged in. As she watched the screen for optimal capture of both of their faces, she thought that Bonnie looked so serene. Her eyes had cleared up, and her hair was a mess, but she was pretty and Marceline was in love.

Nodding to show she was paying attention, Marceline tried to subtly take a screenshot of the call.

"No! I look terrible!"

Marceline froze. "How did you-"

"The screen flashed and I saw it on your face." Bonnie hid behind her hands. "Delete it! I've been crying."

"I thought you looked nice. I wouldn't take a bad picture of you, Bonnibel, but if you want me to delete it I will."

Bonnie moved her hands away from her face, her lips pursed. "You really thought I looked nice?" She propped her head up on her hand, the covers she'd been using as a shield dropped low enough for Marceline to realise that she was in nothing but her underwear.

"I-" Her voice came out raspy. She forced a cough to hide it. "I do, yeah."

"Then you can keep it." Bonnie caught her bottom lip between her teeth. "Are you still wearing your school clothes? Why don't you change into your pyjamas?"

Marceline was comfortable with her body. She'd gone skinny dipping with strangers before, and her guy friends had seen her change more times than she could count… yet, something made her feel insecure and shy. Bonnie certainly wasn't interested in seeing her body, and it wasn't as if they'd never changed in front of each other before. "I'll be right back," she said before flipping the camera to face the wall.

Surprisingly, Marceline's room had stayed clean since Bonnie's intervention. Normally there would be articles of clothing strewn all over the place, plates and bowls stacked in random places, the like. However, Bonnie had worked so hard to clean her room that pyjamas could now be found in the chest of drawers where people supposedly kept them. She chuckled at the memory, tossing her day clothes into the dirty hamper. It was actually quite miraculous that she'd kept it up for so long, and every time Simon came into her room, he stopped to admire the strange environment as though it were undiscovered territory.

"I'm back," Marceline said, flipping the camera back to face her. Bonnie was still there where she'd left her. "By the way, Keila asked me to come to the lake. I've been nothing but mean to you lately, and I understand if you don't want me to go."

Bonnie shook her head. "Of course I want you there." She covered her mouth as a yawn escaped her. "What do you guys even do there?"

"One of us usually brings a guitar, and we go around in a circle making up songs. There's usually alcohol and snacks and camping out. I don't know. You might not even like it."

"I'm sure I will. You'll be there."

Bonnie had more questions about the lake. Little things with simple answers. They talked about Marceline taking the job at the record store - Bonnie encouraged her to do it, and she promised she would go in the next day - and music that they'd been listening to lately. That's all Marceline remembered from before she fell asleep.

She couldn't even recall feeling tired, only that they were mid-conversation and suddenly she was waking up from a dream. What had woken her up anyway?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Bonnie's voice was soft and sweet. "I miss you. Wake up."

Marceline opened her eyes. At some point in her sleep, she'd knocked her phone over. She took the opportunity to rub the sleep from her eyes before searching through her covers for the occasional sound of Bonnie's nail tapping against the phone screen. "Good morning," she said, her voice still leaden with sleep.

Bonnie was already dressed and sitting cross legged on her bedroom floor, straightening her hair in the mirror. "You're precious when you sleep."

Marceline stared back at her, confused about Bonnie's attire. "Where are you going?"

"We have school in two hours, silly." Bonnie licked her lips. "Why don't I pick you up? We can get breakfast somewhere before school."

"Oh. Shit." Marceline jumped out of bed, jolted to wakefulness by the threat of being late. "I forgot to set my alarm last night. I need to shower and get dressed still." She rifled through her chest of drawers and threw together an outfit for the day.

Bonnie's voice echoed from the bed. "If you want, I can stay on the call until you're out of the shower."

"That sounds fine. Also, I would love to get breakfast." She leaned over and muted the phone. It would be rather embarrassing if she'd forgotten that the call was still going and came into her room singing like she often did after a shower.

Marceline was going to be late if she didn't hurry to get ready, but she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from the girl on her screen.

"You too," she muttered to herself, in response to the three words that had long passed.