Chapter 36 - Marceline (Originally Published: 8 April 2016)

Marceline kicked a rock, watching as it skipped across the pavement and into the grass. The air was getting thinner again, and the clean, crisp scent of the surrounding pine trees seemed to lift her spirits. "It's going to snow soon."

Phoebe looked up at her, chuckling lightly. Marceline loved that sound. "How can you tell?"

"I don't know. I suppose it just feels kind of distinct to me… I've always loved the snow." She felt Phoebe shiver through the hand wrapped around her arm, as if merely mentioning the weather was enough to send chills through her body.

"I have never been very fond of the cold." Phoebe let her hand fall to take Marceline's own. They were nearing their second round of the garden outside of the rehabilitation centre she was staying at.

"Yeah, neither has Simon. I actually haven't seen snow since I lived in Whitewater all those years ago. Every time winter would come around, the two of us would move to a warmer climate." She kicked another small pebble, thinking back for a brief moment on the snowy days of her childhood. "I can't really blame him though. He starts feeling really blue once it gets cold."

Phoebe came to a halt, tugging her hand in the direction of a park bench. "Right here."

The pair sat down, both of them jumping at the sudden frigidity of the wooden planks beneath them. Phoebe's cute, surprised expression spurred a laugh from Marceline which, in turn, earned a giggle from her girlfriend. It was nice to laugh like this again, both of them snuggled into each other for warmth and comfort. Marceline had almost forgotten what it was like in the short time they had been away from each other, and as she looked at the other girl, she noticed little signs - like Phoebe staring at her lips, or the way her beautiful blue eyes crinkled with a pleasing, yet pleading request. She obliged, leaning down to give Phoebe a quick kiss. Getting caught up in her like this made it impossible for Marceline to frown. When it was over, however, a heavy weight settled on top of her chest. It was exhausting, this farce. She'd been missing Phoebe a lot, and even though she'd visited every day, it wasn't the constant presence that she'd grown so accustomed to. Sleeping had become extra lonely, and there was nothing there to displace her mind from the overwhelming guilt of causing her girlfriend so much pain. Still, no matter how terrible she felt, Marceline had to be strong for her in this trying time. She stared at the tall walls of the facility where her girlfriend was staying. It was an excellent centre, to be sure, and Phoebe seemed to be enjoying herself. At least it was not all bad.

"I think you should spend some time with Finn today," Phoebe said randomly.

Marceline raised an eyebrow, her attention drawn back to the frail frame sitting next to her. She and Finn were friends, maybe, but she didn't understand why she should bother him. "Why do you think that?"

"Because you've hardly left your house since I've been here, Marceline. Except to come here." Phoebe squeezed her hand gently. "I don't like that you've been cooped up. Seeing other people will do you some good."

She frowned. Aside from Bonnie and Keila's visit the other day, as well as forcing herself to catch the bus to work (as per Simon's insistence), she'd had virtually no contact with the outside world. In a sense, she and Phoebe were both going through a mental metamorphosis - except that Phoebe was seeking help in a facility that offered all the comforts and luxuries of the real world, while Marceline was shutting herself off from it. The irony in all this was that Phoebe was the only one who knew of her wrongdoings. Marceline was too ashamed to face anyone else, but if her girlfriend - her saviour and her damnation - felt that she should, then she was obligated to agree.

"Okay, okay. I'll do it for you." Marceline dug her phone out of her pocket to check the time. It was just after noon, so there would be plenty of time for her to get in touch with Finn. However, it also meant that she would have to leave Phoebe's side soon. With all the activities and group therapy sessions that kept her girlfriend busy, it was hard to schedule a time within visiting hours for them to see each other. Oh well, she thought, resigning herself to silver linings, as long as she gets better.

"Thank you for coming to see me again today," Phoebe said. She exhaled deeply. "I'm sad to say that we should get you back to Simon now."

"I know." Marceline helped her to her feet, trying not to let the longing desire show on her sleeve. There were only a few more days before Phoebe was released, and it wasn't like she hadn't visited every day so far. Things were just different now. Ever since the beginning of their relationship, Marceline had rarely spent any time away from her girlfriend. In the lonely void that once occupied her mind, there was now a seemingly innocuous dependency on Phoebe's presence. Always being together had simply become their normal. Marceline allowed herself to be led back into the building, unhappy to have to say her goodbyes.

Simon was waiting in the visitor's lounge where they'd left him, patiently reading a catalogue that had been left behind by another guest. The big windows on either side of the snack machine let in a brightness that Marceline felt was necessary in this type of place. There were no distractions from the outside world. No televisions, no newspapers. Just a few colouring books and children-safe craft supplies set on a large round table in the middle of the room. The sadness in Marceline's heart dissipated ever so slightly. Everything about this facility was centred around helping its patients reach recovery. Phoebe's father had only been by twice to see her, but at least he'd picked a qualified place for her to stay.

Simon looked up when they entered, his face lighting up with a genuine smile at the sight of them. "Hello girls. I was just reading this riveting article about illuminated tea kettles." Still smiling, he shut the catalogue and flung it behind him, ignoring the shriek of paper flapping as it flew to the ground.

Phoebe crossed her arms, folding in on herself in the same contrite manner that she had any time anyone else visited her. "Hello, Simon," she said, her voice quiet. "Thank you for coming to see my performance. I'm… sorry it didn't meet your expectations."

"Nonsense." He stood, closing the distance between them so that he could place a hand on her shoulder. "I saw part of it, and what I did see was perfect. You have some real talent, princess. I'm proud of you." For a long time he looked as if he was unsure whether or not to continue, but then he said, "And I'm proud of you for seeking help. It takes real courage to go forth with treatment."

"Thank you." Phoebe looked at Marceline, sheepish that he'd brought up her current state. She knew that he meant well, to be sure. It was just too sore a subject to bring up right now. "I've been putting off asking this, but… What happened after I was taken away?"

Simon pursed his lips. "There was a bit of chaos, but eventually everything calmed down. Your teacher refunded everyone for their tickets, which took quite some time, but then everybody was dismissed. As for what happened with your fellow cast members, I can't be sure."

Phoebe frowned, her brow furrowing intensely. "I see."

"It's not your fault, Pheebs," Marceline said softly. She knew her girlfriend would beat herself up about costing the theatre program money, which is why she hadn't mentioned it, but it only made her feel worse to see the sadness in Phoebe's eyes. If she'd just acted rationally and sought the help of someone smarter, rather than forcing Phoebe to stop taking those stupid pills, then none of this would be happening. The nights wouldn't be so suffocating and lonely, and the quiet moments they'd shared before wouldn't seem so distant. More importantly, she wouldn't have almost killed her own girlfriend.

"She's right," Simon said. He glanced at his watch and made a face. "Unfortunately, we have to get going. I hope you'll remember what we said." He squeezed her arm gently. "If you start feeling down about it, tell one of your supervisors."

Phoebe smiled weakly, waving goodbye as Simon left the two of them alone. "O'Neill will never forgive me."

"I'm sure he will. If not, then he can go fuck himself." Marceline winced at her own choice of words. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say in this situation. She'd never been good at comforting people. "I'm sorry. I have to go now. Will you be okay?"

She didn't answer verbally. Rather, her response came in a long, needy kiss. Marceline could tell from the hand groping at the back of her head that Phoebe was scared to let her go, but being that all things eventually come to an end, she forced herself to pull away. "Goodbye, Marceline."

"Cheers," Marceline said quietly, before turning to follow Simon out to the car park. She had never been good with farewells. There were many other things she could have said, but didn't. No... goodbyes felt too permanent.

As Marceline walked away from Phoebe into the maze of long hallways, she tried to convince herself that things had happened the way they were supposed to. Those pills were doing more harm than good, weren't they?

She'd met with Phoebe's therapist earlier in the week. It'd been sort of a courtesy. The man assigned to her case had wanted to meet with Mr. and Mrs. Edan to assure them that he was wholly qualified, and Marceline had just happened to tag along. He'd told them that the medication Phoebe had been taking was a crutch, just something for her to use in order to escape reality, and if she were to ever get better then she would have to learn to deal with her anxiety on her own without the use of pills or other materialistic supports. He would teach her how to unlearn all of the harmful behaviours she'd taught herself, and show her how to use her own strength to combat the hardships she would face in life.

Hiding from your problems is no way to live, Marceline quoted. Part of her wanted to just go home rather than take her girlfriend's suggestion. Then she could just hide under her covers and wait for Phoebe's release. The thought bounced around her head for a while, trying to connect with something, until the realisation finally hit her, causing Marceline to almost miss her next step. Shit. I've been doing the same thing. Locking herself away in her room all week, buried under the shame and guilt she'd taken onto herself was just another way of running from her demons.

Maybe I should hang out with Finn today.

Marceline hesitated, her fist hanging in the empty air in front of the door. She and Finn hadn't hung out together in a long time. Would he even want to? She hadn't been able to get a hold of him on her way over here. Marceline glanced around nervously, hoping that no one had seen her yet. Simon had already left, but her house was not so far away that she couldn't walk home. Maybe she should just go…

"Marcy!" The giggling chorus that followed Bea's voice disrupted her equilibrium.

Confused, she turned to the source of the call and caught a brief glimpse of Bea running towards her before being tackled. The sheer force alone was enough to knock the breath out of her, but the protest of her still-healing ribs kept her from gasping for air. She hugged Bea back, nonetheless. Physical pain, she could deal with. At least those wounds would go away.

"Marceline! How are you?!" Jake waved as he rounded the side of the house. In his other arm was a hooded sweatshirt, bundled up with something moving inside of it. Finn was walking next to him, and broke into a toothy grin when he saw her.

Marceline wasn't sure how he had managed to forgive her so easily after she'd punched him in the face, but she wasn't complaining. She was done with fighting for a lifetime. "I'm fine. What's that you've got there?"

Bea let go of her, looking up with that bright, beautiful smile of theirs. "It's a kitten! We found it hiding under the house. I think it was left behind by its mother."

"Yeah. It's kind of cute, even though I'm a dog person myself." Jake said as he opened the bundle to show her the little white cat in his arms. On its belly and face were splotches of orange, and the tip of its tail looked as though it had been dipped in paint. "I think the mother may have had too large of a litter, because it isn't unhealthy or anything. It's a few weeks old, so I can't imagine any other reason for her to abandon it."

Marceline raised an eyebrow, smirking at him. "I suppose you're an expert then?"

He rolled his eyes, but the flush spreading across his cheeks negated the dismissive gesture. "Well, my memory ain't perfect, but I read a lot about animals as a kid. Whenever my class had to go to the library I'd check out a few books about different ones. I used to always want to be a veterinarian. Animals are cool, and all that."

That was true enough, she had to admit. Although, taking care of them had never concerned her much. She reached into the bundle to gently pet the kitten's tummy, eliciting a tiny mew. "So what are you guys going to do with it?"

"I was thinking that Bea could keep it," Finn said. "I mean, they're the one who found it in the first place, and the cat already seems to like them… Do you think your grandpa would mind having a pet around the house?"

"Grandpa loves animals!" Bea lit up with excitement. "I think I'm going to call it 'Cake.' It fits regardless of what gender the cat is, which… I guess doesn't really matter to me. I'll just take it to the veterinarian tomorrow morning and see what I need to do as far as shots and whatnot."

Of all the different names for animals 'Cake' was certainly a strange one, but it had that signature Bea weirdness to it that made it a perfect fit. Marceline watched the others fawning over their new friend, awww-ing when it yawned. She didn't really feel like she belonged here. They were, in a sense, so much more innocent than she was. Perhaps that was what made the three of them so refreshing to be around, and yet it only seemed to alienate her more. How could Marceline fit in with all of her imperfections? Though it had been a tricky situation, and she couldn't possibly have known the outcome, she had nearly managed to kill Phoebe. She wondered how the others would have handled having been in her position. Thousands of scenarios played through her head, but no matter what situation she applied her friends to, they always came out on top. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she knew that they could never even come close to her flaws. Her friends were practically perfect and - Guy, Bongo, and Keila aside - the worst they'd ever done was skip class, which… was all thanks to her as well.

"We should go inside and do some research," Finn said. "Jake, don't you still have a bunch of those books that we could use?" He'd been watching Marceline, even as he directed his comments to his brother. "Also, Mum and Dad might know what to feed the cat- I mean, Cake. I'm sure it's hungry."

Jake agreed and, with Bea still glued to his side, started slowly walking towards the front door of their house. Finn hadn't moved from his spot though, and from the expectant look on his face she could tell that he wanted her to stay back with him.

He watched her for a moment, his face scrunching up in concentration. She could almost see the words swimming thoughtfully through his head. It was nerve racking, trying to anticipate what he was about to say. She didn't have to wait long.

"What's wrong, Marceline?" His voice was firm, yet gentle. "Is it because of what happened at the hospital? Because I totally forgive you for that."

"It's not just that, but thank you. I do still feel bad about it." She chewed the inside of her lip, debating for a brief moment whether or not she truly wanted to be open with him. An excuse was about to surface, 'I'm fine, Finn', but then a spew of other words forced their way out of her mouth. "I guess I feel disconnected from everyone else. I mean, Bongo and Bonnie are a couple now so they're kind of absorbed in each other. The only other people I've ever been close to are Guy and Keila, and they tend to shut off around this time of year." She shrugged, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Her arms folded over her chest, protecting herself from the threat of her own words. "I guess I just feel like everyone is moving on without me. Like I'm just stuck being this dumb, immature jerk while all my friends are growing up. I don't even know what I'm going to do after high school. I'm not…" She let out a slow, shaky breath. "I'm not good enough at anything. The only person I have is Phoebe, and I hurt her by making her quit those stupid fucking pills. I can't even believe we're still together. She deserves so much better." Marceline felt her lip quivering. She grit her teeth, hoping to harden her weakening features.

Finn's jaw set grimly. There was no telling what was going through his mind in the silence that stretched between them. Marceline felt as though she was on a pedestal, being judged for all of her sins. "At the beginning of this year, I didn't have any other friends," Finn finally said, placing a hand on her arm. The feel wasn't anything like Phoebe's touch, but it was comforting nonetheless. "It was just Jake and Aeryn and Bonnie. I was so worried about what would happen once they left high school and moved on to bigger and better things." He rubbed his eyes, the memories pooling in their corners. "Then I met you guys. And Bea. So what if people move on? They can always come back, and you can always meet new people too. That's just life. Some friendships aren't meant to last forever."

Marceline wanted to argue that she didn't want them to end. That she still felt like she would go nowhere, and then eventually die alone, but she didn't say anything.

"As for the other stuff," he continued, "whatever's going to happen will happen. You can't change other people's minds. If Phoebe wants to stay with you, then she will. If she wants to leave, then that's just life. You'll work it out, Marceline. You're not running out of time."

Those words hit her in a way she hadn't expected. For a time, all she could do was stand there in his garden and think about everything he'd said. Maybe she just needed to accept that she had no control in the things happening around her. "Come on. Jake and Bea are probably waiting for us," she said, throwing an arm around his shoulders. She didn't want to think about the wild, uncontrollable rampage of life. Accepting the world as it was meant coming to terms with her own hidden insecurities, which was something she just wasn't ready for.

The front door opened for them, revealing Mr. Mertens and his broad smile. "Hey, kiddo. I hope you're hungry. We made a big supper."

Marceline looked at Finn, confused for a moment. She removed her arm from his shoulders, worried that she hadn't been welcome in their home. However, even after he'd taken a few steps towards the door, Mr. Mertens was still smiling broadly at… at her; he hadn't closed the door behind his son, or even changed his inviting expression. Finn's father had welcomed her with a paternal warmth, as if she were one of his own.

Marceline felt weird as her feet crossed the threshold yet, to her own shock, something about this felt like coming home.