Chapter 37 - Finn (Originally Published: 6 May 2016)

Finn linked his hands behind his head, staring intently at the speckled tiles of the ceiling above him. After waking up at half six just to end up getting lost all morning—"I have a great sense of direction, Finn. Just because we're late doesn't mean I don't know where we're going"—he was beginning to feel a bit tired. It'd been a long day already, but now that things had settled down significantly, he found that being around Marceline and Phoebe felt a bit too… personal.

Being a third wheel was never easy for anyone, but seeing the affection shared between the two girls brought about a different kind of uncomfortable. The way he felt around his other couple friends was a gross annoyance, but there was a certain kind of maturity to the girls' relationship that simply wasn't present with anyone else. Marceline and Phoebe were more intimate somehow, more adult. It wasn't just that though. Seeing the love they shared made him feel strangely bittersweet, and a little bit insecure. Finn was happy for the two girls, to be sure, but he couldn't seem to stop his thoughts from drifting to Bea.

Lately, he'd been thinking about his best friend quite a bit. He'd missed Bea a tremendous amount whenever they weren't together, despite having seen them every chance he had over holiday break. It was not so unusual for him to wish his friends were around, but this was a type of longing that he had never felt before. When he saw the way Phoebe looked into Marceline's eyes... trusting, loving, and with an underlying intensity... he wished that Bea would look at him the same way. He wished that he could hold his best friend with the security and ease that Marceline had with Phoebe.

Finn allowed himself a peek at the happy couple. They'd been speaking quietly, saying their goodbyes with tears in their eyes and their foreheads pressed together. He envied their relationship. With them, he didn't feel the sort of 'puppy love' vibe he sensed in the other couples he knew, just a pure, white hot passion that burned everything in its path - unforgiving of the world around them. That unfailing bond… That was what he wanted with Bea.

His feelings for his best friend were growing, and it had become nearly impossible to restrain his quick-beating heart any longer. Whether or not they felt the same for him was still a mystery, but he desperately needed to expose his vulnerabilities. However, in spite of having resigned himself to telling Bea how he felt, he kept running into problems. Any time they visited, the two of them had never managed to have any time alone together; Jake was always within earshot of them. No matter how much of his inner self he shared with his brother, his feelings for Bea felt off limits. Sure, he had told Bonnie and Jake that he liked Bea, but actually admitting it to them was a moment that he wanted to keep between the two of them, for better or worse.

Jake wasn't at fault for their lack of privacy, of course. Normally, he would have given Finn all the space he needed if he'd just asked. Unfortunately, the air of the Mertens household had been strained ever since the night that both boys had gotten themselves in trouble.

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. Even though their parents had pressured Jake to keep an eye on Finn and Bea, he was still somewhat proud of his brother. Jake, who rarely broke rules without a good reason, had been caught sneaking out late at night to see Aeryn on the same night Finn had gotten in trouble because of Ash. Their meeting was mostly innocent, to be fair, but Finn could hardly ignore the thought of the prudish couple getting caught in Aeryn's car by her father. Luckily for Jake, Mr. Yang's call to Joshua and Margaret paled in comparison to the details of Finn's night coming to light.

"Come on, wanker. We're leaving." Marceline nudged his foot with hers, startling him out of his reverie. There was an annoying smirk plastered on her face, and immediately he knew that she had once again caught him lost in his dumb thoughts. Why was she always the one who was there to see him smiling to himself?

Finn stretched his arms back, behind his chair, enjoying the strain in his upper stomach and the satisfying pop of his back. "Okay," he said, excitedly jumping to his feet. Visiting Phoebe had been pleasant, and the lunch was pretty good, but his butt was numb from having to sit in one place for so long. It was refreshing to have gone into the city that morning, even if he was already tired. He turned from Marceline to the frail girl behind her. "You're being released tomorrow, aren't you?" he asked, opening his arms for a hug. Phoebe was hesitant at first, but she allowed him to embrace her.

"I am." She was still stiff, even as she put her arms over his shoulders. He felt a bit guilty for taking her out of her comfort zone, but he couldn't take it back. At least he would know not to offer next time.

Finn patted her back awkwardly, drawing back to end Phoebe's repulsion promptly. "If you get the chance, you should come by and visit. My mum would love to cook supper for you. Jake and Bea will probably want to see you as well."

She made a face at that. He knew that she felt unwelcome around everyone else, but he truly only meant to show her that there were others who cared. "We'll see." Phoebe turned to give Marceline another long kiss and then, with a small smile, waved goodbye to the two of them. "Drive safe."

"We'll be fine, don't worry. I'm an excellent driver," Marceline said, grinning.

Finn snorted derisively. "With a brilliant sense of direction," he mocked, prodding her arm.

Marceline swatted his hand away, grumbling something in response. Her annoyance soon faded though, and she slung her arm around his shoulders, pulling him alongside her as they exited the guest lobby of Phoebe's rehabilitation centre. "Have you got plans?" she whispered when they were a ways down the hall.

Finn wrinkled his brow, thinking for a moment. Jake and Bonnie were hanging out today, if he remembered correctly, and Bea was taking Cake to the veterinarian. "Nope. No plans. I'm sure I told everyone that I would be busy today anyway… Why do you ask?"

Marceline's voice continued to stay low, despite how far out of earshot they were from virtually anyone. "I still need to go Christmas shopping for one person in particular. Before you say anything - I just haven't figured out what to get her yet. It has to be perfect, you know?"

Finn's heart beat fast against his chest. How could I forget?! Christmas was just a few days away and he had yet to find a proper gift for Bea. "That sounds like a great idea. In fact, you can help me find something too. I've been putting so much thought into what to get Bea, that I've hardly realised the time at all."

"Yeah." Marceline exhaled deeply, letting her arm fall from his shoulders. "What are you supposed to get for the one person that matters most?" There was a quiet sadness to her voice.

He felt it too, and he certainly understood what she was going through. Finding a present for that special someone was no ordinary feat. It had to stand out among all the other gifts they would be receiving from friends and relatives. Finn decided, after much thought, that it was impossible to find a gift that balanced perfectly on the scale of practical versus thoughtful. Although, he had to admit, Marceline had it worse than he did; Phoebe could already get whatever she wanted simply by using her own pocket change and after having seen her house himself he couldn't imagine that she needed anything either.

Marceline held open the heavy metal door to the car park, allowing him to go before her. "I've been meaning to ask you about that, by the way. You and Bea seem much closer than before. What's going on there?"

He could hear the snickering undertones in her question. Yet… had they gotten closer? Finn thought that they might have, but he worried that it only appeared that way to outsiders because of his awkward attempts to romance his friend. "I wish I knew," he said truthfully. "Sometimes I get the feeling that Bea is interested in me as well, but then they'll do something simple and make me think otherwise." He chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to think of some way to divert the conversation from his frazzled nerves. "I've noticed you and Bonnie are good friends again as well. That's great, right?"

"Yeah… Great," she mumbled.

He frowned. Marceline and Bonnie's relationship had been tumultuous at best ever since she moved back to Whitewater. They'd been talking again at the beginning of holiday break, but that of course was not a good judge of whether or not they were getting along. Finn hadn't meant to stir up negative emotions by bringing up Bonnie. Maybe speaking on subjects so close to the heart was detrimental to their freshly renewed friendship.

Marceline dug through her pockets for the keys to her newly-purchased vehicle, grinding her teeth back and forth. He wondered if she would still want to hang out now that he'd ruined her day. Instead of asking outright - and possibly blundering his way into making the situation even worse than it already was - he decided to wait and see if he could pick up on any sort of social cues. She unlocked the door and sat down in the driver seat before leaning over to unlock the passenger side door.

As he slid into the seat Finn felt the tension in his shoulders and jaw relax, relieved to be in a more reassuring space. If he'd learned anything about riding in Marceline's car, it was that she couldn't drive anywhere without music playing. Whatever uneasy feelings plagued her mind about her childhood friend would soon disperse, replaced with the lyrical genius of her favourite bands.

He avoided eye contact with her as she reached into the back-seat to grab the album of discs she'd collected over the years. Rather, he focused on the peeling vinyl of the dashboard. 'New car' was a bit of an oxymoron. Apparently, she'd purchased this vehicle from a friend of a friend for a fair price. Simon, her guardian, had matched half of the cost as an early Christmas gift to her. If Finn were any judge, he'd say that they might have been cheated for the amount. Regardless, he thought, buckling his safety belt, it's better than that rubbish truck she used to drive.

"What do you want to listen to?" Marceline asked, handing the heavy disc book over to him.

He was surprised to see how quickly she recovered from the tense discontent that previously surrounded them. Aside from the few times where she'd opened up emotionally to him, Marceline had never really been comfortable with anyone asking about her personal affairs. Maybe being with Phoebe had brought about a positive change in her life, allowing her to let down the guard she'd so strongly held up before.

"I have a bit of everything in there," she said, urging him to pick something.

Finn unzipped the leather-bound case and flipped through the plastic covered pages, examining the discs she'd meticulously alphabetised. As far as he could tell, it was the only relatively organised facet of her life. The album contained everything from home-made discs labelled with sloppy handwriting to proper CDs that had been well taken care of despite their apparent age. "You really don't mind me picking something?" She shook her head. "Hm." Looking through her collection, it was evident just how lacking his musical prowess was.

Most of the artists were bands he had never even heard of, although there were a great deal of the classic titans as well. The easiest thing to do would be to pick an album he was familiar with, but seeing this massive compendium of mysteries inspired him to find something new. However, he'd learned in the past that judging anything by its cover art was poor representation, so the huge collection was overwhelming nonetheless.

Something pink caught his eye, drawing his attention to a disc with a little robot pictured on it. "Is this any good?" he asked, pointing to the untitled disc.

"I love that EP." She reached over to trace a finger over the robot, her eyes twinkling with the fond recollection of an old memory. "Do you want to listen to it? The lyrics are sometimes a bit repetitive, but the music itself is full of really interesting harmonies."

"Sounds like a good time. Let's do it." Finn slipped the disc out of its plastic protector and gingerly handed it to her. He had to give her credit for her vast knowledge of obscure music. Most of the artists that he'd been exposed to were older bands that he and his family listened to on long road trips and vacations. In a way, he almost envied her for her own tastes.

Marceline slid the disc into the car's CD player and toggled the audio knobs, adjusting the bass and treble before the sound even began to trickle in through the speakers. The first song started off with a single strum from an electric guitar, followed by silence. That second of quietude built up a magnitude of suspense. Finn sucked in a breath, waiting impatiently for the next note to play. Immediately, the rhythm injected itself into his bloodstream, pounding effortlessly against his heart like the kick of a bass drum. He found himself bobbing his head to the beat, a smile spreading across his face at the cheerful tone of the song. There was the quiet, nostalgic buzz that tended to accompany older records, and the instrumental creativity of all the music his brother would listen to when he was growing up. Marceline was right about the repetitiveness of the lyrics, but that only seemed to add to the charm of the songs, rather than becoming annoying.

"I love this already," he said truthfully. "Thanks for showing me."

"Sure." A blast of warmth blew through the vents of the car heater as she fiddled with the switches on the console, like a spaceship pilot getting ready for launch. Then, she reached for the sunglasses on the dashboard and slipped them on - the final touch of badassery to Finn's curious illusion.

After a moment of admiring her, his attention drifted back down to the still open album book. He flipped through the plastic pages, scanning the names of the discs in an attempt to burn them into his memory for research purposes later. Chewing the inside of his cheek, he wondered if he could possibly ask Marceline to let him borrow some of these. It couldn't hurt to try. He was about to say something when the title of one of the home-made discs caught his eye: FOR BONNIE, THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE SAID TO YOU.

A moment of hesitation froze his body in place. For a brief instant, he was riddled with both curiosity and pre-emptively distributed guilt. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Marceline totally focused on her driving. That was all the assurance he needed to act. With sweaty palms, he struggled to slide the disc out of its protector and quickly stuff it into his hoodie pocket while she was turned away. Then, he shut the album book and zipped it back up.

"You have quite the collection," he said, nervously testing whether or not she'd noticed his theft. He tossed the book into the back seat with as much casual normalcy as he could muster.

Marceline hummed in agreement. "I've been into music since I was very little." Her fingers drummed against the steering wheel on cue with the percussive pattern flowing through the speakers. "Does Bea know that you're in love with them?"

A chill tickled his spine. "I haven't told them yet, no. How did you figure it out? I don't remember ever really mentioning it."

"You didn't." Her voice softened, almost drowned out by the music playing. "I guess I know a thing or two about being in love with your best friend."

Finn silently prayed that she hadn't been trying to segue into a confrontation about the disc - because of course he knew what she meant, but he figured it would be better for everyone if he just played dumb. If she wants to talk about it she'll bring it up. "Your best friend? What do you mean? Like Keila?"

She made a sour face, but then burst into uproarious laughter. He couldn't help but laugh alongside her, though the guilt of knowing more than he would let on still danced along the hairs on his neck.

"Sure," she finally said once her bout of laughter had dissipated enough to allow her to speak. "We'll go with Keila." A sombre atmosphere settled over them, contrast to the upbeat music playing. "So, what's stopping you from telling Bea how you feel?"

What stopped you from telling Bonnie for all those years? Finn wanted to ask, but she would have likely beaten herself up about it enough already. It wouldn't do to rub salt in the possibly still open wound, so he shrugged off the thought. "Honestly? I kind of just wanted the moment to be special. I've already decided to talk to them about it, but every time I get the chance Jake is in the room... and well, I kind of think that it would make things pretty weird."

Marceline glanced at him, her expression hidden behind those dark sunglasses except for the contemplative twist of her lips. "So what if Bea doesn't like you back? Does that not worry you?"

"It does." His stomach sank with all the possibilities of a negative outcome. Telling Bea how he felt was tricky since they were his best friend. "It scares me more than anything," he said, more to himself than to Marceline.

"I think you'll do fine," she said. "Even if Bea isn't interested, they're understanding. I don't think it will ruin your friendship if things go south."

Finn chuckled at that. "Holy shmowzow. Are you reading my mind?" If only the mirth could somehow ease the turbulent waves in his stomach. "I guess I know that. It's just… I'm scared they won't like me back, you know? Like, obviously it'll be fine either way and I'll still want to be their friend. But I want things to turn out well. What if a couple of years down the line Bea's in love with the person of their dreams? I'll be happy for them, of course, but I'll always wonder what could have been. You know what I mean?"

He realised what he'd said too late. The heavy quiet between them seemed to drown out the music, leaving a dull echo in its place to stretch on. Even the air that Finn breathed began to feel thick in his throat, and too dense for his lungs to hold. For a long time, he just stared straight ahead at the endless roads disappearing underneath them, not daring to look in Marceline's direction.

The timeless loop continued on forever, until she cleared her throat, finally shattering the empty space between them. "I guess the only way to find out is to try. You're just lucky I'm great at picking out flowers."

Finn's shaky hand hovered over the door for a long time. Maybe I should have called before we came all this way. What if Bea isn't even home? he thought, trying to justify the second thoughts swirling in his head. The negativity only paralysed him more. I can't do this. I'll just talk to them tomorrow when they come over.

That, of course, was just another excuse. He knew that this was his one chance. There wouldn't be another time for him to talk to Bea alone.

Finn considered tossing the flowers he'd purchased into a nearby bin. If he went home now, everyone would question why he'd brought them. No, it would be better to hide all evidence of his failed attempt at a romantic gesture. Just as before, the feeling of failing fortitude settled over him, but before he could even turn to walk away, he caught a glimpse of Marceline's tall figure in the corner of his eye.

As she pushed past him, she shot him that same sly smile that had gotten them both into trouble so many times before. Panic set in; the realisation of what she was about to do became an omen of no return. Before he could stop her, Marceline was pounding loudly on the door.

"What are you doing?!" His voice wavered between whispering and shouting. He wasn't ready for this, and of course, she was unperturbed by his anxieties.

The light hanging just above their heads flickered on. Bea was coming.

"Good luck, fucker." Marceline patted him on the shoulder and sprinted back to the car, leaving him to deal with the consequences.

Classic Marceline, he thought, rolling his eyes. As frustrating as she was, he was glad for her intervention. This was something he had to do. Otherwise he would always regret leaving Bea's doorstep without any resolution, and if it were not for that initial push, he would have never been able to face his fears.

The door swung inwards, finding him face-to-face with his best friend. "Finn? What are you doing here?" they asked, surprised to see him.

Steeling his nerves, he shoved his hand forward to present the flower arrangement he'd been gripping extra hard out of fear of fumbling it in his sweaty palms. "I got you these."

Silence swallowed the two of them, engulfing the pair in a dreadfully quiet bubble that seemed to dull every other sound. Finn felt claustrophobic, as if he was drowning in the heavy tension. He struggled to hear anything else, to remind him of a place outside of this one moment. He noticed a television playing from within the house, barely penetrating their voided space. The volume had been turned up to accommodate a person with poor hearing. If he strained further to listen, he could hear the buzzing of an old indie rock record coming from Marceline's car in the drive.

Bea's hesitation was never-ending, but he continued to stand there smiling awkwardly with his arm still extended. Whatever thoughts had been going through their head, whether positive or negative, were obfuscated by a blank stare. Finn had never felt this exposed, nor this vulnerable in front of anyone.

If I clear off, maybe we can pretend this never happened. Or I can just continue to stand here and hope I waste away quickly.

"It's late, Finn. My grandpa needs his rest," Bea finally said, grabbing the flowers from his hand. The expression on their face seemed to be a wandering amalgamation of many thoughts at once, a sea of confusion. "Why did you come all the way out here?"

The words were harsh, though he knew they hadn't meant any harm by them. Bea was probably more surprised than anything, but knowing that they were just words did not stop the heated sting that pierced Finn's chest. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's been on my mind for a while now, but I haven't had any time alone with you to say what I want to." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder, pointing in the general direction of his ride. "Marceline drove me here. She got a new car."

"Oh." Bea looked over his shoulder and waved. "It doesn't look new."

"Well, it's 'new' as in she only just got it." Finn scratched his palms nervously, trying to draw his attention away from the lump in his throat.

"Right." Their thoughts were still muddled by Finn's sudden arrival, presumably. A hint of scepticism clouded over their blue-grey eyes. "How's Phoebe doing? She's being released tomorrow, isn't she?"

"She's all right, I think. And yeah. She'll be out around midday." He took another deep breath and closed his eyes. It took all of his concentration to ward off the insecurities that swarmed him like a dark cloud, but finally he gathered his courage.

Marceline had said something to him today, while they were shopping for gifts. "If you're going to do something, don't wait. You'll overthink everything and talk yourself out of whatever it is you need to do. Don't hesitate, just do it. Or else you'll find yourself one day wondering if you've made the right choice."

Finn clenched his jaw. If anyone else had said those things to him, he would probably have been stubborn and ignored them… but this was Marceline. He didn't want to wake up one day to find Bea with a Bongo of their own, forever wondering if it was for the best. Don't hesitate. Just do it. He opened his eyes again, ready to boldly face his best friend. "I need to talk to you about something else. It's important."

"Right. You mentioned you'd wanted to speak on something." They set the bouquet of flowers down on a stand by the entrance and stepped outside, closing the door behind them. "What is it, Finn? I'm supposed to be getting ready for bed." The distance between them suddenly felt too small.

"Well, I…" he trailed off. What was he supposed to say? In all the hype that came with knowing how he felt, he'd never figured out how to truly word his feelings. Don't hesitate. Just do it. "I think you're really great, Bea. I- I like you a lot."

"I like you too, Finn. That's why we're friends." They crossed their arms, shivering in the snap of icy wind. He wanted to offer his hoodie, but now was not the time. If he got off topic, he'd likely never find the strength to confess his feelings again.

Finn rubbed the back of his neck, smiling stupidly. "I don't think you understand. I mean that you're the one person I want to go on this big adventure with."

"Adventure?" They chuckled. "What are you even talking about?"

"Life." He took Bea's hand in his, rubbing his thumb over their knuckles. Realisation slid down their face, shifting Bea's bright smile into a look of unmitigated surprise. The pounding of his heart was so loud in his head that it blocked out his words. "I don't care if some days you feel like a dude or if some days you feel like a girl. I mean, it was really confusing to me at first, but I've thought about it a lot and… I just don't care what you identify as. I don't care what you are on the outside. You're my very best friend… I couldn't imagine myself wanting to hang out with anyone else for the rest of my life."

Bea jerked their hand away, frowning. Finn knew that there would be a chance of things not going how he'd hoped, but that totally took him off guard. Bea's voice shook as they spoke, "I don't think that I can date you. I know what relationships are supposed to be like and I…" They shook their head, unable to meet his eyes. "I don't want to have sex with you, Finn." They paused, shrinking in on themself even more. It took a moment for the rest of their words to clumsily crawl their way to the surface. "I don't think I ever want to do that with anyone at all."

"That's okay." He tried to put on a convincing smile, but his nerves were all out of sorts. However, even though he felt unfathomably anxious, he'd really meant it. "I can live without sex. I've already made it this far." He laughed awkwardly, hoping to relieve some of the tension. "I don't think I'd be very good at it anyway."

"And what if we last for a long time? What about kids? Or desires?"

He shrugged. "Maybe I want to last a long time with you. We can always adopt. Like your grandpa did with you. And not to be gross, but if I really wanted to I could just wank off."

A world of hurt and disbelief lay behind their eyes. "But why would you want to be with someone like that? I'm broken," Bea said, incredulously. Then, quieter, "Why would you want that?"

Finn could no longer maintain visual contact. Seeing the pain in his best friend's eyes knocked the wind out of his lungs. "Sex isn't everything," he said, his voice quivering. "All I know is that I want to be closer to you than I already am. I want to make you really happy all the time, and at the end of the day, I want to be able to tell you secrets that I can't even tell myself. I want that thing that Marceline and Phoebe have with each other. But I want that with you." He wiped his hands on his trousers. "Ever since that time in Jake's car when you kissed my cheek, I've been thinking about what life would be like if we were just… closer. And the more I think about it, the more I understand that my life just isn't complete without you in it. If I could just keep you right next to my heart, then I'd feel honoured."

Even without looking up, he could feel Bea's eyes boring into him. "We're just kids. You'll change your mind about all of this… I'm not what you want. I'm brok-"

"Stop saying that!" Tears stung his eyes. He couldn't go on listening to the person he cared about most speak so poorly of themself. "Please stop. You're not broken, Bea. You're different from everyone else, but that's not a bad thing! You're wonderful. I told you, I don't care about having sex or whatever. I care about you. I love you." His own eyes widened at the admission.

"Finn…" They shook their head again. Nothing else needed to be said. He understood.

Defeated, he sighed. "That's okay. At least now you know." He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, but it wouldn't budge. "Could you do me a favour though? Just… don't ever tell me that you don't want this. I'd rather just pretend that I never came here and go back to how things used to be. That way it won't be awkward or anything. I think… I just had to tell you how I felt." He was about to turn and leave, but the small smile that tugged at the corner of Bea's lips made him linger.

They beckoned with their index finger. "Come here, Finn." And, well, what else was he supposed to do?

As he stood in front of Bea, he wondered if it were possible for his heart to escape his chest with how fervently it thumped against his ribcage. The blood coursing through his veins had begun to melt away any semblance of balance that he'd previously had. Just then, it felt as though his spirit had separated from his body, yet he still somehow stood his ground.

Bea took a deep breath and pulled his head closer, kissing him full on the lips. It wasn't the kind of crazy fluttering he'd always imagined, nor was it an empty experience. The fit of Bea's mouth against his just… it just felt right.

Finn tilted his head, allowing his eyes to flutter shut. Being with Bea like this was so natural to him that he wouldn't have believed it was a first kiss for either of them. Perhaps they would have looked like clumsy teenagers, had anyone else been present for this.

Unfortunately, he recalled, someone else is here.

The faint sound of music behind him spilled out, evidence of a car window winding down. "Wooooooo! Yeah!"

Classic Marceline, he thought, rolling his eyes behind their lids. Then he smiled.