Title: Sneeze

Synopsis: It was just a sneeze! This was not how I planned to catch the ex-ANBU captain - especially with his mouth open.

A/N: I thought my funny bone had left me for good, but it came back after I read an old synopsis for a story I'd wanted to write a long time ago (*cough *cough the one above). I decided I'd give a try, hopefully you all enjoy - this was all done in good fun.

It wasn't like I had planned on defeating the ANBU captain, everyone knew there was no defeating the Uchiha. Of course, he wasn't supposed to be known as an ANBU captain anymore. He'd stepped down, and was currently leading a team of three genin like myself.

As a jounin, I'd been given the choice of following my teammates to ANBU. But I'd decided against it. I was much better at helping people, caring for others, healing than anything else. So after several years of serving the hospital, I'd decided to take on a new responsibility, but at this moment I wished I'd tried ANBU instead of teaching.

My own three genins stared at me wide-eyed, mouths open - not quite comprehending what I'd actually done. Uchiha's students, taking after their leader and also having the advantage of a better angle, were a bit more perceptive. The absolute disgust and shock on their faces would have been hilarious in any other situation. Today though, I could find little humor.

He gagged, mouth open, kunai loosening in his grasp. It was the most expressive look I'd ever seen from an Uchiha, even the more lax ones like Shisui. On his face was the look of disbelief, complete and utter disbelief at what had just transpired. It took him two full seconds to realize that yes, he'd been sneezed on. His mouth had been open. I had sneezed directly in his mouth.

It would have even grossed out Naruto and he did some pretty gross stuff. My knees felt like giving out. I wanted to get on the ground to beg forgiveness. This wasn't just some jounin sensei, this used to be the most feared ANBU captain in existence. I had just sneezed into a mouth of an ANBU captain and I wasn't the type of woman who had cute sneezes either. It had been loud and wet. A full spray of fluids had gone right out of my mouth and right into his.

He was going to kill me. He was going to slaughter me in front of six innocent eyed genin in retribution. I always figured I'd die in the battle field, but not at the hands of a fellow Konoha-nin and definitely not inside the village itself. I swallowed hard, those red eyes were fixated on my own.

He still hadn't recovered though. He still was trying to comprehend the dastardly deed I had committed. If I wasn't so petrified of my upcoming death by mutilation, I surely would have ran - not that it would have done much good. The greatest shinobi in the village could easily apprehend a pink haired medic-nin.

Six seconds - truly eternity in my opinion - is what it took for the man to come back to his right mind. He dropped the kunai. He spat up on the grass, bowling over. He promptly began attempting to empty all contents in his stomach.

When he finally seemed to realize the state he was in (two more seconds), in front of his genin no less, he looked up. The sharingan swirled and he bit out one word, "Haruno."

I almost pissed, and if I'd been less than one of the best medics in the world I likely would have keeled over and died from a heart attack. As it was, my chakra was already regulating my heartbeat, trying to calm down the thing crashing against my chest. It was trying to escape his wrath, like I should be.

I tried to think of a way to fix this. To apologize to the most powerful man in the world. I'd probably degraded his pride and in front of those that honored and revered him.

How it had ended like this? Where had I gone so wrong? The day I passed the Academy? The day I had been born?

No. This had been my genin teams fault, in particular Masaru. Masaru had declared that I could defeat anyone - even the great Itachi. It had been cute. A bit adorable at the sheer pride he had in me as a teacher. But if I'd known that he would have declared it to Itachi's face, I would have locked the kid up and never let him see the light of day.

Itachi had merely given him an amused tilt of his lips, then he'd glanced at me. "Should we have a quick spar?"

He must have taken my paling skin to be a yes, because he'd drawn a kunai and within a flash had been right in front of me, his eyes red. It was at that moment, I'd felt the onset. The nose itch made me turn my head away. The Uchiha had taken it as me acting arrogantly, and he'd gotten an inch away from my face and had followed my turning head.

"Do you truly think you are better-" he'd started as if to reprimand me.

It had come them, and at 100 miles an hour. Even with the sharingan activated, he didn't have time to avoid or even close his mouth. The distance between us had been too small.

Thus. This.

My death would likely be attributed to by every jutsu this man had accumulated in his arsonal. Not even being friends with Sasuke would save my charred body. Perhaps even my teacher, the head medic of Konoha hospital, would be unable to identify my remains.

The red eyes pierced through my skull, into my soul. He wanted to murder me.

"I told you my sensei could whoop your sensei's ass, Nori. Uchiha just got his butt handed to him! I told you, Haruno is the best."

Oh, if I could kill Masaru and get away with it.

"No-No way!" Nori cried. "That was a cheap shot, it didn't count."

I was about to agree, nod my head, anything to appease for my actions when Itachi spoke in my place.

"No," he said, red eyes going to black. His gaze flickered to Nori. "A win is a win. Haruno has just demonstrated that sometimes you must do the unexpected to defeat a more powerful opponent, even if the unexpected is… for lack of a better word … disgusting." My mind screamed when his gaze returned to me, but I kept my face emotionless. "Always learn from any combat you see. Even unconventional methods have a time and place."

It was a very good recovery. If I had been Naruto, I would have pressed the Uchiha more, gloated even. But I couldn't even move my feet, let alone open my mouth to speak - not that teasing him was crossing my mind. I wanted to get as far away as possible. I could hand in my resignation, flee the village, take up life as a merchant in the land of waves. I could … Uchiha's eyes narrowed at me.

I couldn't flee since I was in charge of three genins. Who knew what Itachi would do to my wee ones in my absence. More importantly, what would he do to Masaru? The punk that started the whole ordeal. Becoming professional, I said the only thing I could think of. "The lesson for the day is over. There is work to do. This fence needs to be painted. I expect to see five clones, each doing the same work you are. If I so much as catch one of them slacking," I gave a warning glare to my laziest student - Uki.

"What, you'll sneeze on them?" Takuma sneered. Uchiha's students were all little pricks.

I never was very clever and sadly what little intelligence I had seemed to pass away with my temper. Embarrassment forgotten, I was completely furious. I grabbed the closest thing to me and threw it, chakra enhanced strength and all. It just so happened that the closest thing to me happened to be Sasuke's older brother, the prick student's teacher, ANBU captain, Itachi Uchiha.

By the time I saw the red eyes soar by me, as I grabbed and tossed, I knew it was too late. If my death sentence hadn't been signed when I had sneezed, it had definitely been signed now. I wonder if he was able to take in the look of horror on my face as he passed by. What surprised me more though, was the fact he allowed it all to happen. With the force of my throw, he'd gone through several trees. The damage was done though and I made an emotionless mask once more, turning to Uchiha's students.

The look on Takuma's face was priceless and I cleared my throat.

All of their eyes look ready to pop out of their head. "Paint, five clones, now."

They all jumped at my bidding.

I quickly leapt to the nearest fence line and followed it down to check on the jounin teacher. I continued into the trees. I figured it was best to seek out death, out of the line of sight of students. What respect I had gained would likely drain away with me being beaten within an inch of my life or burnt to a crisp.

I stopped on a branch near him. I could see the mounded dirt where his body had slid across the ground. Strangely enough though, he didn't even look that dirty. Not only that but he was simply sitting at the base of the tree, looking relaxed. If not for the evidence of earth mounds and slaughtered plants, I would have never suspected I'd thrown him through several trees. He looked up, black eyes meeting mine.

I deemed, that at least for this moment, I would be safe. I jumped to the ground and stood across from him.

"I'm sorr-" I started, but he brushed off my apology with his hand.

"I've been trying to humble my students for some time now. You provided the perfect opportunity. Thank you."

I blinked, not expecting that. Not expecting anything like that. He must have seen how confused I looked because he continued on. "I'd heard about your temper from my brother. I figured that if our genin teams had a mission together, it would be bound to show up sometime. I half hoped that you would turn that rage on them, although I take what I can get. This probably worked out for the best though - the idolization takes its toll."

It clicked then and I gave Itachi a true smile. "Teaching is hard. Half the time I don't know what to do with Masaru and I worry if I'm giving them the instruction they need."

"I'm glad I'm not the only one," he smiled too.

I extended my hand and he took it to stand up. I laughed at my nervousness at the whole affair. This was Sasuke's brother, his never angry or upset older brother. "I am sorry about the whole," I looked away for a moment before gathering my courage, "sneezing in your mouth thing."

His eyes went red and my gut dropped. He might have forgotten if I hadn't brought it up. "Yes, about that."

I took a step back at the smirk that lit across his face. It was the same one Sasuke used when he was about to unleash a chidori on a small unsuspecting bunny rabbit.

"Since Shisui is out of the village on a mission, I've been looking for a sparring partner."

I was going to be as good as dead.