AN: So, first, my deepest apologies. I don't really like taking all that long updating, but hey, I'm in college and all, so my time is pretty short. I'll try to update at least once a week, but I'm only one man. That being said, I thank you all for your patience and your wonderful reviews, Thank you so much for reading!

Scar Tissue

Chapter 4. Third Act: Drowning in Slow Motion

Dreams

What is their nature? Are they simple distortions of a reality too difficult to face on a daily basis? Are they an escape? Do they represent that which we truly are? Are dreams perhaps the channel through which one's subconscious whispers, allowing only bits and pieces to be remembered when waking up? Dreams, such endless worlds, infinite in variation, each molding to its maker's true desires. Such were the wonders of individuality; each person is a universe of dreams and possibilities on his or her own, each one different, unique, but all ultimately the same. But did dreams not torture as well? Did they not rob the sacred rest both mind and body required? What were nightmares for that matter? Did they represent fears, doubts? Did they show one's true nature as well?

Shinji Ikari dreamed, and then he opened his eyes.

The place he found himself in was new. Under normal circumstances, his dreamscape held the worst horrors imaginable to mankind; that was the legacy, the result of being God for one day. In the best scenarios, he would swim in an open nothingness, with no thoughts, no feelings, just a never-ending sea of darkness and quiet. Then there were the horrifying memories, the palpating self-hatred, and that thing. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but it was a nightmarish creature designed by the gods to punish him for his heresy. Many times, Shinji had contemplated that possibility; maybe he was trapped in one of those worlds of Instrumentality still, only this world was a special hell where God had cast him out to his eternal suffering.

Yet he could feel happiness in this hell, he could find joy and some sense of belonging. His left hand felt warm for some reason.

The place was vast, it extended as far as he could see. Nothing but thin grass surrounded him, the sun shone over the cloudless sky, an overall feeling of calmness radiated from everywhere. The light around the beautiful meadow was dim, as if it was a sunset or a sunrise, yet the sun was set high above the blue sky. The scenery felt so peaceful, so warm, he had never before dreamed of such tranquility.

"May I join you, Shinji?" Upon hearing that soothing voice he had so long longed for, he abruptly turned around and found himself face to face with the First Child.

"R-Rei…" His eyes were wide and incredulous. How was it possible? Could it be that this was nothing more than a meticulously crafted grand scheme, designed to finally drive him to the brink of insanity? He expected no less, after all; he deserved to suffer. But if it was, indeed, a trap designed for his suffering, how come it revolved around Rei? The voice had tried to use her before, but nothing that monster did could ever convince Shinji that the calm, blue-haired girl would ever do something to hurt him, or anybody else for that matter. She was the gentlest of souls. He would not allow that voice to corrupt his opinion of her.

"I can assure you, Shinji, I am no hallucination, nor am I part of a plan to harm you." Her voice was had an astoundingly soothing effect on his troubled psyche. The last time he had seen her, she had offered him his life back, he knew she cared for him, truly cared for him, and no one in this world or any other would ever change that. He had to smile at her, and before he could stop himself, he threw his arms around her, holding her close. He could not stop the flow of relieved tears of happiness that overwhelmed him.

"Rei! I can't believe it! I've missed you so much!" He cried on her shoulder, letting himself be lost in her scent, so content, for once after so long.

Rei slid her arms around him, drawing him closer to her. The warmth was wonderful.

"I have missed you as well, Shinji," she said. Shinji quivered in her embrace.

"Why are you not back?" It was with some difficulty that Rei was able to understand him, his voice was muffled and broken, while his body shook and trembled with his sobs.

"You are in pain." She was the only one to know things just by looking at him. For that reason, Shinji's belief that this angel was his dear sister strengthened. He broke the embrace, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his school shirt, yet still holding her at arm's length. He gazed into her crimson orbs, noticing the honest concern for his well-being.

"It's been hard Rei. I'm so useless, I really messed everything up…" Shinji dropped his gaze to the grass. He hated it, the things he had done, and the way those actions were so irremediable he could never take them back.

"You did not `mess everything up' Shinji. You allowed the Lilim to live, truly live. You have taught mankind a very valuable lesson," Rei paused, not used to calling him this way, "Brother. The world Seele created is empty, it is composed of false happiness, it is merely a pitiful attempt to try to fill the emptiness so many possess in their hearts." She placed her hand on Shinji's cheek and lifted his head; tear-stained azure eyes stared into her.

"I'm scum Rei, I killed people, I-I've killed so many. I let Asuka-I let Asuka…" He adverted his eyes from her yet again, not noticing the slight frown that developed on Rei's face at the mention of that redhead. He also failed to notice the sunlight dim around them. He did notice, however, a cold wind that caressed his skin. The sky above them darkened, dark cloud formed above, the promise of a storm whispering in the atmosphere.

"What is past will remain in the past, Shinji. Whether your actions eight months ago were correct or not is inconsequential in the reality you live in today. If you truly believe you have faulted, then the only action you can take is move forward."

"But I can't! Such a thing-such a thing can't be forgiven! I can't go around pretending I did something to help!"

"Then don't." His lifted his face, eyes wide in surprise.

"I've told you before, there is nothing you or any of us can do to change the past. The reality you face today is the one thing you can change. In order to do that, you will have to let go of your guilt or you will never be happy."

Shinji pushed himself away from Rei, eyes wild. There was anger rising inside of him, directed not at his sister, but at himself. Shame, wrath, and helplessness threatened to stifle him.

"I can't!" he declared in despair. "I did all those things; I don't deserve to be happy! All I'm ever good at is hurting people, and because of that they hurt me back, and they leave! I can't let go; I don't deserve that." He choked in a sob at last, chest heaving. "Rei, why haven't you returned?"

He was afraid of the answer, but it had been eating at him for months. He saw Rei was caught off guard by the question, but he needed to know, he needed to make sure it was not because of him, he couldn't bear another mark on his already unbearable list of sins.

"I-I cannot, not yet," she said. Sadness overtook her frame as she looked at the ground

"Why? Is it because of me?"

"No. I cannot return; there are some fragments of myself I must still put together before I am ready to face life. It has nothing to do with you."

"Oh, but, Rei, I need you." His voice was pleading. Sometimes he just felt so alone, so abandoned. Even when he knew he deserved it, it still hurt like before.

"You are not alone, Shinji, there are many who care for you, you must hold on to them."

"But, but I don't deserve it!"

"That is not for you to decide." Shinji's shoulders slumped, but he didn't feel sad. She was right.

"She's wrong, Shinji." He froze in fright. It was that thing. It was coming. Suddenly he was aware of his surroundings again. The sky had turned pitch black, and he heard thunder in the distance. The grass, only moments before so green and full of life was dead, completely dry, and decaying. He could smell its breath as it grew near, soon he could make out the slow steps on the dying meadow.

Rei frowned as the image of the monster manifested itself. It was more hideous than ever before. It limped slightly, a deep slash could be seen on its left leg, and the white shirt was covered in dark blood. There was a hole on the thing's chest, where the charred heart palpitated loudly. Its face was contorted, scarred, and half-rotten, its red eyes glittering with hatred in the darkness. On its face was that smile made to represent a mockery of happiness, the demented smile that promised nothing but suffering.

"You…" If Shinji could move, he would have. For some reason, whenever he encountered that thing, he seemed unable to stop it; its presence was so strong.

"Yes, me. Why are so scared of yourself, Ikari? Can it be that you're so pathetic you're afraid of your own shadow? Pathetic!" Blood splattered every time the monster spoke; it fell in a steady stream from its mouth. The breath was the worst; it stank of death or decomposition and became overbearing as the monster reared back and laughed.

"Shinji, this being is a part of you, if you wish to move on, you must learn to overpower it," Rei said. Through whatever bond or resonance Third Impact had left behind, Rei could feel the beast. It was a being made of pure self-hatred and despair, the very embodiment of everything the Third Child was not yet ready to face.

Shinji was still immobile. Why the hell couldn't he move? He had massacred God's messengers, but found himself defenseless at the sight of a zombie of all things

"Oh, Rei, how kind of you to join us! I'm afraid Shinji's indisposed at the moment though, him and me, we had a previous appointment, so I'll have to take him away now."

"He will stay here," Rei said. She was standing in front of him now, facing the demon head on. Had he become so utterly pathetic that Rei needed to protect him from himself? Was this the fight against Ramiel, all over again?

"Aahh, I see now. You think you can deceive this bastard into thinking he's anything less that dirt? Good luck on that one, angel girl. Heh. Look at him! He's trash, Ayanami, worthless trash, and he is well aware of that fact. Crying to sister dearest to save him. Weak little worm, Asuka's always been right; he's spineless."

He felt so useless again, if only he could at least talk or move or something at all! This could not be happening! For once he had found some peace of mind, and this fucking monster would not relent on its mission to torture him to insanity! What could he do against a being so full of darkness?

"Shinji is not worthless, nor is he spineless. If he was worthless, he would not have risked the danger of being the last human on earth. If he was worthless, there would not be those who defend him, who care for him and love him," Rei said. The half-breed angel could do very little in this realm of empirical existence, but she would be damned it she allowed Shinji to be swallowed by his own demons.

"Hah, what a pathetic little act you've set up, Rei, dear. Don't you see? If he ever stopped running away, I wouldn't even exist! It's sad to think Shinji dearest needs me to stay alive, wouldn't you say?" The monster cackled insanely, blood permanently leaking through its maw as it watched, bemused, as Shinji's expression remained petrified in fear.

Rei turned abruptly and faced the real Shinji. She angrily gazed into his eyes, as if willing him to react. "Shinji, do you feel that warmth in your left hand?"

He did, actually. It had never left. It was comforting if he focused on it.

"That is the warmth of someone who cares deeply for you and is waiting for you. You are not worthless, that feeling proves me right. Major Katsuragi will do anything for you, so will your friends, so will I."

"Bah, nonsense. You don't understand the idiot at all. It's all the same to him if that one, special little person hates him so much. He's just selfish like that." The distorted version of the Third Child gave a motion that resembled a shrug and lifted its head, as if to mock them both with the horrible truth. He tried to focus on the feeling on his hand, as an anchor to reality and a foundation of strength.

"You mean Pilot Soryu." Rei's frown deepened dangerously.

"Ooh, how delightful! Is that jealousy I hear in your voice, Rei? Yes! Asuka indeed! Don't you see? She's the only one that treats him the way he deserves! The only one that actually sees him for what he is! He finds a sick little pleasure in being the object of her deepest disgust. Does that make you jealous, Rei? You mean to tell me you want this scumbag for yourself? Haha, I'd say it'd be quite the incestuous relationship, if you were actually brother and sister!"

"Mock me all you want; it makes no difference to me. Once I am back in the world of flesh and blood, I will deal with Pilot Soryu. It is beside the point." Rei remained impassive, unimpressed at the dark apparition, which only sneered wider with her every word.

"Ooohh but it's not. She's my muse, did you know? You should see the way he shakes every time I mention her name. She's an artist on her own terms, would you like to see?"

The Beast continued to spew and laugh at his inadequacy. Why couldn't he do anything? Why the hell did he always sit around while others fought his battles?

"I am well aware of Soryu's actions. As I said before, I will deal with it once I am back in this world. It makes no difference, what I feel for Shinji is the emotion many call love. I am well aware that love manifests itself in various ways. Perhaps what I feel for Shinji is a love more akin to a sibling connection."

"Yeah, yeah, keep yapping, there's nothing you can say or do that'll make him change himself, you can be my guest and try all you want, in the end it's all the s-"

"Leave," Shinji said. It was a whisper, but it carried the strength of the strongest yell in the Void. Shinji lifted his head, clenching his fists and glaring at the monstrosity. "Leave us alone, I'll deal with you later." He could deal with the damn beast messing with his mind, but he would not allow it to insult Rei, or Asuka for that matter.

The beast cocked its head for a second, as if curious, then started laughing like everything was some kind of sick joke. As it cackled, thunder rumbled in the clouds. The temperature dropped again. Rei stood, unfazed, calmly dressed in her school uniform. Shinji tried his best not to shiver; the cold ran all the way up to his bones.

"He speaks! Haha! You know, I'll hand it to you, scum. You had a momentary sprout of backbone back there, I'll give you a price for that. I'll leave you and Miss Little Angel to your little group therapy session for the time of being, but remember Shinji my boy, the drugs won't keep me away forever. We still have a lot of fun to have together, I'll be waiting. I'm always near, Shinji."

The horrifying monster vanished from sight, and at once the scenery turned back to normal. These dreams felt too real to him, it was impossible that he could actually smell that thing or hear it for that matter. Was he going insane?

"Well done," Rei said. He looked over at her and saw a slight proud ghost of a smile on her lips.

"I didn't do anything, it just left because it wanted to. The next time I go to sleep it'll be waiting for me," he said. He looked at the ground, it felt like standing up to his distorted self had taken all of his strength. The warmth on his hand was still there.

"That entity is the representation of all that you hate about yourself, is symbolizes your guilt. You will have to overcome it in time, Shinji, or you will never be happy. Do you promise to try?" He had to smile at her. He could already feel himself slipping back to reality, the scenery was fading around him.

"I'll try Rei. For you, and for myself." There was a hint of determination in his voice. She smiled at him fully and started walking away. Before she disappeared, she looked over her shoulder at him, still smiling.

"Well, that's good for you."

Shinji opened his eyes.

He was still in that room, and Misato was still sprawled all over his mattress, holding his hand. A quick look at the watch revealed it was very late. 11.23 pm, she should have gone home by now. Besides, he remembered visiting hours were until five o'clock.

That position can't be comfortable. Maybe she can get a spare bed or something.

Shinji nudged at his guardian with his left hand, after successfully retrieving it from her iron grip. She stirred and muttered incoherently before groggily lifting her head slightly to look at him.

"Hey," she said. She regarded him with a tired smile; Shinji couldn't help but return the gesture.

"Hey," he said.

"How are you feeling, Shin-chan?" She lifted herself up and stretched, then proceeded to ruffle and play with his hair.

"I'm a bit sore, my chest hurts a little, and I keep getting all dizzy, but I guess it's not that bad. What happened, anyway?" He was genuinely curious. He could recall bits and pieces, feeling an excruciating pain on his shoulder, then something on his head. Strangely enough, he could remember the insults, but other than that it was a foggy recollection of pain. Misato frowned at his question, and for a moment he thought it was actually his fault.

"You were found in your room by Section Two. You have four broken ribs and extensive lung damage, but that's being taken care of. You also have a broken radius and a dislocated shoulder. The doctors say you'll be able to leave the hospital in three weeks, but you won't be allowed to too much physical activity. You need to let your ribs and your lungs rest." Shinji's eyes were wide as saucers. By his recollection, he should be dead. He knew lung damage was very dangerous; those types of injuries were very easy to get infected.

"What do you mean it's being taken care of?" He was genuinely curious.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, the doctors made some kind of serum from studying the Eva's tissue. They found a way to speed up the healing process." She looked worriedly over at him. Shinji was looking at the ceiling, a depressed frown on his face. She would have expected him to be angry or resigned, but that depression was not going to help him heal.

"Shinji, you're not gonna be alone in here, I'm sure Toji and Kensuke can come to visit. Your school's not finished yet anyway, and I'll come to see you every day, kay?" she said. She brushed the hair on his forehead and placed her hand on his cheek. She seemed to relax for a moment before a frightened expression crossed over his face.

"Misato, do Toji or Kensuke know about..."

"No, don't worry. I'm not dumb, you know." Her hand ruffled his overgrown brown locks again. "Toji tends to be a little, well, expressive. We don't need that right now." She patted him softly on the cheek before stretching fully and listing herself from the chair.

He smiled at her for a moment, but the troubled frown reappeared on his face. It seemed he wanted to ask her something but couldn't muster up the words or the courage. His shoulders slumped, his gaze on a distant point in the ceiling.

"Is Asuka angry? She doesn't like hospitals." He sounded scared, hell, he looked scared, but even when he was terrified of the girl, he still worried about her. She could distinctly recognize the concern.

"She's fine, I sent her home." She turned serous at the very mention of her. Had he gotten her in trouble?

"Hey, Misato. It wasn't her fault, you know. I kinda did something stupid so she just reacted. Please don't be mad at her. We have-we have an agreement, and I did something that d-"

"We'll talk about that later." She interrupted before the despair of hearing him assume blame for being hospitalized stifled her logical reasoning. "Don't worry Shinji-kun. You just make sure to heal fast for me so we can all get some ramen together, okay?"

"Okay." The former pilot gave a curt nod, offering an uncertain smirk. "Thanks, Misato."

"Sure kiddo. Damn! I'm a bit sore, those chairs are not comfy, I'll have to talk to Ritsu about it." She checked the time, eyes widening in shock. "Oh crap! It's so late! I overslept! I'll see you tomorrow Shin-chan!" She kissed him on the forehead and ran out of the room before he had the time to even answer back.

"Um, bye?" That woman never ceased to surprise him, only a minute before she had been in a heavy coma, and then, as if possessed by some incomprehensible force she had all but reactivated to full activity in a manner of seconds. Her erratic behavior had turned into a source of solace as of late, even when she was almost never home.

Heh, Misato being home. That's surely something to look forward to.

The dizziness began to overwhelm his senses. He found the small tube near his mouth and drank some much-needed water, satisfying his dry throat. The dream and its unlikely visitor were still clear in his mind; it made him feel lighter. To know Rei's absence was not entirely his fault eased a bit of the weight over his heart.

The sedatives were managed by a special program designed to monitor the patient's heartbeat and brain patterns. The serum was truly efficient; it accelerated the growth of new tissue in the damaged areas, while it did not disrupt the natural reaction on the body. Also, in order for the serum to take full effect the patient had to remain in some type of healing trance, induced of course by the powerful anesthetics. Said anesthetics started taking a toll on the boy, as his eyes slid shut.

The sedatives could only do so much for a troubled mind, though.

An hour later, the nightmares started again.

By the time Misato managed to drag herself back home, it was well past midnight. She noticed the apartment was clean, and as soon as the plate on the table entered her line of vision her mind turned to autopilot. The food was devoured in a gluttonous manner, not unlike the hunger trances she fell into once she managed to return home after a week away. It was a simple arrangement of chicken and rice, but for her empty stomach it was the equivalent of a five-star meal. She took a beer from the fridge and gulped it away in one intake; the refreshing liquid worked its magic instantly on her stressed muscles. She was about to head to bed when a figure sitting outside the balcony came into view. She picked two extra beers with a defeated sigh and headed to the swinging door.

"Hey, it's a bit late, how come you're up?" Misato said. She tried to be as neutral as possible. The anger was so absolute she had to breathe in several times so as to not hit Asuka's face against the wall; the girl was incredibly fragile at the moment, after all. Pushing further was terribly ill-advised; she had already seen what depression could do to the youngster. She sat on the chair next to her, taking in the view of New Tokyo 2.

Asuka was huddled on the chair, resting her head on her knees. It wasn't too cold, but the white shirt she was wearing would definitely not do the job of keeping her warm. Every now and then, Misato noticed a faint shiver run up and down her body.

"I had a nightmare," Asuka said. She was clutching Shinji's old SDAT in her hand, headphones firmly placed in her ears. The poor music player barely worked anymore nowadays, creaking and shuffling painfully through the cassette, but refused to give in. She took them off and looked at the purple-haired woman.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No, it's okay." Asuka sighed and redirected her vision to the city. "How is he?"

In a hospital bed, clinging onto life after you pushed his ribs into his lungs. he's thin, and sickly, and he can't sleep. "As well as can be expected, I guess." replied the woman instead. "They're giving him a lot of anesthetic, so at least he's not in too much pain." Asuka winced at the last word.

"Oh. Can I see him?" She attempted in vain to hold the desperate tone in her voice, to no avail.

"I don't think that would be a good idea right now, Asuka. He's really scared of you." Anger started welling up Asuka. She needed to see him, to make things right. No matter the cost, there was no way she would be denied of the chance to at least try.

"But I have to see him! I can't just let things like they are! You can't take him away! I won't let you!" She was screaming now, outraged and unrested. In a second, she untangled herself and faced her guardian with an ugly frown, she could feel the old anger pulsating like an open wound. Misato, however, sat unfazed at her outburst, sipping her beer absently. She silenced Asuka with a frozen glare.

"You better watch your mouth and your attitude around me from now on little lady, don't push your luck or I will make sure you don't ever see him again, am I clear? Do you seriously believe you're in any position to demand, or so much as bargain anything? Be thankful you're not in a prison cell right now. Be sure to thank Shin-chan for that, and him alone. Is that understood?"

Asuka maintained the "glaring contest" for a while, but finally swallowed her pride and lowered her head, nodding.

"Good," Misato said. Her shoulders slackened in despondence. "It's not my choice Asuka, I'll ask him tomorrow, okay? But for now, I think the best for both of us would be to go to sleep." With that, Misato got up and headed for her room, closely followed by Asuka. Both were tired, sad and angry, yet neither had the strength to fight at the moment. Asuka made sure her guardian entered her dorm before heading to Shinji's room.

The dream had been the same from the hospital, only much more gruesome. Shinji was bruised up and bleeding, naked. His chest was bloodied, with a shards of rib bone sticking out of his skin. She told herself this had not been the reality she had lived, told herself it was not real, willed herself to wake up. Nothing worked; the boy's face was contorted in the same insane smile as before as the nightmare reached its horrifying crescendo. Whenever she thought she could find some peace of mind, one thought or the other would remind her she did not deserve any peace.

Ugh, this is not helping, I have to stop beating myself up and do something. I'll wait a couple of days and then I'll go see him, yeah. He's gonna forgive me, he's gonna forgive me and then things are going to be okay and we'll walk to school together and I'll tease him and he'll smile again, yeah, he'll forgive me, he'll forgive me, he always does. Yeah. I'll get to see him smile again, I will.

She pushed his door open and lay on his bed again, it still stank, the bloodstains were still there, but it made no difference. This room had been her only place of solace for well over six months, and even when the presence that consoled her was absent, it made her feel just a bit safe, anchored. She placed the headphones back in her ears and started Track 25 with a click.

Asuka could barely understand herself anymore. Why did she behave this way, so pathetically? She was strong, damn it!

There you go again. Keep telling yourself that, see where that got you.

The classical piece eased her mind a bit, but the guilt was choking and stifling. Every time she closed her eyes she remembered, her brain, had, after all, more than a year worth of bad memories to torment her with. She would remember how she mocked him, constantly accusing him of being a coward, bickering with him in school, and making a fool out of him in front of everyone. Even when they barely knew each other she had taken every opportunity possible to ridicule him, never truly noticing just how damaging her actions were on him. No one beside Shinji or Hikari ever put up with her before. When the feeling for him, so confusing and unwelcome had manifested, she had recurred to her old friend the anger to help her understand.

There was so much regret, so many horrible, indescribably twisted actions on her part and so little she could do about it. Anger was no good; this was the first situation she would have to deal with without resorting to poison. Blacking out and feeling bad about it for the following months would not suffice.

She fell asleep to the notes of Ode to Joy, a slight smile appearing on her face as she remembered the feeling of his arm against her waist, the warmth and comfort that shielded her from the darkest parts of herself.

"So, then we were going up this abandoned building right, and Ken was all like, dude, this could fall on us any minute and I was like, who cares, it looks cool, right? So, we were going up the stairs and we heard like this loud rumble, and Kensuke just cried out like a girl man! His ass went running faster than a scared rabbit! I swear, he even threw himself like an idiot through the window when the door was open!" Toji said.

"Hey, don't make me sound so lame, you jerk! I clearly remember you screaming we were gonna die like a girl on a horror movie so shut up!" Kensuke said.

The three friends shared a good laugh, but a stab of pain on his left side reminded Shinji that he shouldn't force his chest to move too much.

"Hey, are you okay, Shinji?" Toji was looking worriedly at him. The picture of Shinji on that bed was disturbing to say the least. He looked very weak, he had barely been able to sit straight to greet them, and all those bandages spooked the hell out of him. It brought back bad memories.

"Y-Yeah, don't worry. It's the ribs, I can't even breathe deeply without them hurting." He ignored the pain and favored his friends with a smile. It felt good to be visited so often, regardless of how much imposing on his friends' time bothered him.

"So, how are things with Hikari, Toji?" Shinji said. The jock immediately blushed and looked away, fidgeting and smiling nervously.

"Ohh you know, it's all good." The largest of the three chuckled, scratching his head. "She's really nice, uhm, yeah."

Kensuke made a gagging noise and was promptly punched on the arm.

"Hey why did you do that for? It's not my fault you're so whipped!" Kensuke said. Again, laughter erupted from the room. There was an overall air of lightness around them, there was no need to talk about serious matters. Toji and Kensuke smartly avoided any subjects that could upset their injured comrade; Misato had made it very clear that Shinji needed not only his rest but support and positive thinking if he wanted to recover quickly. They also knew Shinji could only stay awake for periods of some hours at the time. He could already eat and sit up, yet the simplest of activities took most of his energy.

Toji recalled Misato mention the many painkiller Shinji was on, and how they made him feel dizzy and exhausted.

Were it not for said pain killers, nonetheless, Shinji would be in indescribable and unbearable pain at every waking second. While the doctors had managed to suture the wounds on his lungs, the slightest wrong movements could have some serious repercussions. He'd have to stay like that for at least another week before he could stand up and walk around. Even then, he would have to remain bandaged at all times.

"Say Ken, it's getting a bit late and our buddy needs his rest, I say we beat it." Toji said, always so direct. He started stretching and grinned at Shinji.

"Yeah I hear you man, let's get going. Hey Shinji, make sure you heal soon so we can go to the arcades! Schools out for another 3 months man! That gives you plenty of time!" Kensuke said.

Shinji smiled at his friends' antics as they left. It was nice to be able to relax like this, even if he was already getting tired again. Maybe in a week he could at least go outside and take some air, being on that bed was so boring.

"Thanks for coming guys! You don't have to come every day, you know!" Shinji said.

"Oh, you Traitor! You're saying you don't want us here?" Kensuke all but shouted from the door, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"N-No! I just don't want to impose."

"Ah, it's no problem, Shinji, there's not really that much to do anyway, no sweat! Well, see ya!"

Waving one last goodbye, he lay back down, ever careful not to upset the large gashes on his side.

He always felt afraid when going to sleep, sometimes he'd have the greatly appreciated nothingness, but most times he had to go and face that monster time and time again. No matter how hard he tried the result was always the same; he always lost as the thing laughed at his pain. Blood splattered everywhere, the screams never abated, despite his best efforts to hide from them. Every night, the monster came up with new, ingenious ways of forcing him to witness the worst of his memories, slowly injecting Asuka's abuse into the dreams. By all means, he should be furious and disgusted with her, yet, how could he?

I can't be mad at her, she was just reacting normally. We had a deal. Who'd want to be touched by me, anyway? Who would want to be near a monster like me?

Over the last three days he had been constantly visited by both Misato and his friends. Misato had the tendency to stay up to advanced hours in the evening, which was perfectly fine with him, but the more violent outburst she tended to create when asked to leave were a bit tiring. Everyone had wisely evaded Asuka in the conversations, which only worked to worry him more. He knew she didn't really like to cook, and cleaning was always out of the question. He figured the house is probably a warzone by now.

He worried; his thoughts drifted back to Asuka and her outbursts of blind rage, or her calculated, cruel assaults that only ended with her not speaking to him for days on end once the deed was done. She was fragile; no matter how hard she tried to hide it, he had glimpsed behind that wall during Instrumentality and discovered just how scared and lonely she was. He wanted to be there for her, even when she scared him, even when his body reacted so pathetically to her presence.

I promised her I'd be there for her. I won't go back on my word. Even when-even when she hates me. I won't leave her, not again.

If only he could will his body to stop fidgeting whenever her name was brought up. The fear had to disappear at some point, he would never allow himself to run away from her again; it didn't matter if all she wanted him for was to do chores and to be her breathing punching bag. He didn't care. He had made a choice and given his word.

I'll be there for you, Asuka. I'll try, no matter what. I promised.

Sleep claimed him soon after, thankfully devoid of any visions or horrors.

The following morning, he felt very well rested; it seemed the drugs were actually good for something from time to time. He had gone through most of the night undisturbed, just that one three-hour nightmare about Third Impact, same old, same old. Same old dead people all around him as he was dragged around NERV. Same old Misato taking a bullet for him and dying. Same old love of his life, lifting a bloodied arm to the skies, defying God himself and refusing to give up under any circumstances, only to have her arm speared in half and her body impaled.

Shinji wished he could say it was getting old, but each time he relived the horrifying sight of Asuka's EVA he felt like puking from self-disgust. Sadly enough, there was very little in his stomach to actually throw up. He sighed and stared at the ceiling, lost in thought. The quiet hissing of the door brought him back to reality, yet the figure that came into his room drove his poor mind to overload.

She was simply beautiful. Those blue eyes were so expressive, so full of life. He took a secret happiness in seeing them, it was proof that she was alive, that she was there. It made little difference to him of those eyes were loaded with malice, anger, and lately, a strange sense of remorse.

Again, he couldn't stop the pathetic whimper that escaped his throat as she neared his bed, but he tried with all his strength to at least greet her properly, after all, he had been very rude to her the last time she had come to see him. Very soon now the insults would start hammering whatever foundation of self-worth he had developed in the last three days, but it was okay.

Asuka stood six or seven feet away from his bed, looking at the floor. She had a tray on her hands, and the delicious smell of chicken soup filled the room. The tray, however, had the wrong effect on the young boy, as he was at once reminded of the first night after coming back, of the burning sensation on his face as the boiling hot broth came in contact with his skin.

Asuka gulped and breathed in, she knew Shinji wasn't ready to see her yet, but she needed to do something for him, something, anything to make him understand she wasn't mad. The tray shook in her grip.

Neither spoke, one too afraid to so much as utter a greeting, the other one too ashamed to do anything but stare at the floor. After two minutes of absolute silence, Asuka took a deep breath and braced herself, turning her head to face Shinji. He had that same terrified expression, but at least he hadn't asked her to leave yet. Walking another two steps towards his bed, she regarded him with a shy, nervous smile.

"Um, hi."

To Be Continued…

AN: And... CLIFF. Well, there you have it, chapter 4. I have to say, I love writing this story, so to anyone that thinks I'm just gonna leave it hanging, fear not! I'll finish this even if takes me years. Anyway, thanks again to all of you who deem my attempt at writing interesting enough, you're my writing power! Crazy to think it actually took me years lol. Please give the baby a chance, she gets better! Thank you so much for reading!

A very special thank you and mention to my brother Richitzer for surprising me with his amazing and invaluable help with this chapter. Love ya, brother!

PEACE.