Kate's afternoon speeds by with phone calls, emails, leave requests… all the minutia of being captain. She is not going to miss all this paperwork after she leaves the NYPD. When her phone alarms, she tucks a copy of her resignation in her bag and shuts down her computer.
The snow has not started when Kate arrives at Dr. Burke's office. She's on time and so is Dr. Burke.
Dr. Burke greets her, "Kate, it's nice to see you. I was surprised to see you added to my schedule today. What brings you here today?"
"I expected a few pleasantries before you started with the questions." Kate hands him her resignation letter. "I've decided to resign from the NYPD, and Rick wants me to discuss it with you before I tender my resignation. He's concerned that I'll regret my decision. I think his concerns are because I didn't spend any time discussing it with him in advance. I sprung it on him last night, after I'd had a particularly trying day at work. It was not a spur of the moment decision however."
Burke peruses the letter Kate has given him. After a moment, he returns his attention to Kate, "I skipped the pleasantries as you called them, because I know you don't call for a last minute appointment on a whim." He looks at her letter again, "Your letter mentions that you desire to spend more time with family. Is everyone well? Your daughter must be 7 or 8 months old now."
Kate smiles with her reply, "Lily is 8 months, babbles constantly, crawls and laughs and…She's perfect. Nobody is ill. That's not why I decided to resign." Kate's expression sobers, and she looks Dr. Burke in the eyes, "I'm afraid."
Burke's expression momentarily displays surprise, but he quickly returns to his normal, placid countenance. "Why are you afraid, Kate?"
"I'm afraid I won't live to see her grow up. I'm afraid I won't live to have another child. I'm afraid Rick will be left to raise another daughter alone, like his first wife left him with Alexis. How many near death incidents can I escape and keep breathing? I've been shot, tortured, beaten… I want to raise my daughter with my husband. I want to experience Lily's firsts alongside him. Being a cop wasn't my life's goal, until my Mother was murdered." Kate pauses to pull a tissue from the ever-present box on the side table. She wipes a tear away. "I want to have the life I dreamed of before Bracken tore my family apart."
Burke responds to Kate, "Most police personnel are never shot. The Bracken LokSat conspiracy has been resolved, and each one of your shootings was linked to that investigation. You've attained the rank of Captain. It appears to me that your chances of dying on the job are lessened now. Is it fear of losing your life or fear of missing out? It is not unusual for young mothers to leave the workplace to raise children, if they have the financial means available. I'm sure money is not an issue for you. Is your decision based on fear or the desire to be your daughter's mother?"
Burke expects to wait for Kate to form a response, but she quickly replies, "I've had many close calls: bullets that missed, a car that was forced into the Hudson, we were locked in a freezer, and more than one bomb incident. None of those were related to my Mother's case. Rick has a tally of how many times he's saved my life, and how many times I've saved his. He doesn't work with me now. He stays home with Lily. After we both almost died… " Kate pauses, and takes a deep breath before continuing. "After Lily was born, we decided Rick wouldn't do anymore research at the precinct. He doesn't want to leave her with a nanny. He had a nanny at times as a child, and he didn't want that for Alexis or for Lily."
Burke replies, "That's highly commendable. He has the resources to hire very qualified people to care for your daughter. Do you have maids or any hired help?"
Kate answers with a smile, "We have a housekeeper a few days per week. She does the bulk of the cleaning, the laundry, dusting, etc. We do the day-to-day stuff. Rick is an excellent cook, or since this is New York, we can always get food delivered. He's the best father I've ever seen. But he is behind on his next novel." Kate pauses, "I wasn't aware that he was behind, when I made my decision to resign. After I told him I want to resign, he made a joke about his lack of productivity affecting his publisher's income. I forget that his novels and his income are an income source for so many other people, not just for us. Black Pawn makes money and pays their staff. Rick has an agent, lawyers, and accountants. We use a car service sometimes. There are people who take care of the Hamptons house. It's expensive being a multimillionaire." Kate laughs and takes a breath. "I just realized what an economic force my husband is. It's a bit disconcerting."
Burke waits while Kate gathers her thoughts again. "My parents were both lawyers, so I grew up without any financial deprivation. Rick grew up with financial instability. If Martha was working on Broadway, they had money, but he had a nanny or went to boarding school. If she was between roles, money was a problem, but he had time with his mother. When Alexis was born, he chose to be the best father possible. He couldn't force Meredith to be a good mother, but he could give Alexis his love, time, and attention. He's told me how difficult it was to be a single parent. He did his best for Alexis and wrote best sellers." Kate pauses, "I'm getting off track. We had a case with the FBI years ago. The lead agent was female and a mother. She told me her husband tucked her daughter in at night and told her stories about Mommy slaying dragons. I don't want that for my daughter. I want to tuck her in with my husband, and take turns reading her bedtime stories. I want to take her to the zoo, the library, the theater, and the park. Rick has told me about things he did with Alexis, when she was a small child. His face softens, and he speaks with this wistful tone. I don't want him to have to tell me about our child's first word, or how much fun they had at the park that day. I want those memories to be shared memories. I want us to raise her together. So, yes, maybe it is fear of missing out. Or maybe it's a fear of making the same mistake my mother made. Her job got her killed. She missed my engagement. She wasn't there to help plan my wedding, or to see us say our vows. Rick was her favorite author, and she's not here to be his mother-in-law. She's not here to be a grandmother. I admire my Mother's drive for justice, but I will not miss the best part of my life because of a job."
Burke waits a moment in case Kate has more to say. Kate fiddles with the tissue in her hand, but doesn't speak. When she lifts her eyes to his, he asks, "How long have you been contemplating your resignation?"
"I've been considering it since the moment I held Lily for the first time. My husband thinks I'm extraordinary. He has this image of me as a warrior. He's written nine novels with a character based on me. A character that is brave, fights for justice, and doesn't have a baby. Being the inspiration for Nikki Heat made me afraid of disappointing my husband. Would he see the same woman, if I quit my job? Would my family, friends, acquaintances, and Rick's readers all have a lowered opinion of me?" Kate pauses. "May I have some water?"
Dr. Burke grabs a bottle of water for Kate from the small fridge in his office. He hands it to her. "Have you resolved your fear of other people's opinions about your decision to resign?"
Kate takes a few sips of water and stares at the bottle, while she orders her thoughts. Burke waits.
"Yesterday's weather caused issues for my people, and I didn't arrive home until after Lily was in bed. I was cold, tired, and my pants were icy from the snow I walked in from the subway to home. I had called Rick when I left the precinct, but I had to leave a message. He was busy with Lily. When I walked in our door, he had a warm blanket prepared to wrap my cold body in. He did several things to make sure I was warm and fed." Kate looks out the window, "He demonstrated his love with hot cocoa, with warm socks, a hot bath… He took care of me. My job keeps me so busy, that I don't get many opportunities to take care of him. In the past two days I've spent less than 3 hours with my child. When I returned from maternity leave, Lanie told me I should be home with my rich, handsome husband and beautiful baby girl. That's a quote. Whenever I've had a late night at work, or I've spent a day in meetings listening to some higher-up drone on about statistics and budgets, I've thought about what Lanie said. My husband and daughter deserve my time. They deserve to be taken care of. Resigning isn't a spur of the moment reaction to a bad day. It's a considered decision about what is best for my family and for me. I'm not going to let other people's opinions stop me from doing what is best for my family. Rick will still love me, no matter what job I choose. Even if I choose to never work for a paycheck again."
Dr. Burke smiles, "Will you tell your husband the basis for your decision in the same detail you've explained it to me? Once he understands that you've been contemplating this decision for some time, I'm sure he will be happy with it."
"He's already happy. I overheard him telling Lily that this morning. You're right. I need to tell him I've been considering retiring for months, and delineate the reasons like I did here with you. I feel more confident in my decision, because you pushed me for the details. When I told Lanie, she was just happy for me. I'll be better able to reassure Rick that I won't regret my decision, because I've spent this time with you. Thank you."
Dr. Burke smiles at Kate and looks at the clock. "Your time isn't up yet. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Do you have any plans concerning telling your other family members?"
Kate laughs and smiles. "I am certain my family will all be overjoyed that I'm resigning. I know my Dad will be ecstatic."
Burke looks out the window, and then returns his attention to Kate. "Looks like the snow has held off for now. Let's both get out of here, before Mother Nature decides to cover New York in white again."
Kate laughs and rises from her seat. "Thank you for your help. Since I will no longer be with the NYPD, I guess I won't be your patient anymore."
"I see private patients, as well as NYPD employees. If you need to see me, just call. My rates are higher for private patients," Burke pauses for a grin. "I doubt my fee will be a problem, and I also doubt that you'll be needing me."
"If Rick drives me crazy, you'll be my lifeline" Kate winks at Dr. Burke. "It's been a hard few years. Thank you for guiding me through them. I doubt I'd be married and a mother without your help."
"Go home to that family. I'll be here if you need me."
Kate and Dr. Burke say their goodbyes. Kate takes a moment to check her phone for messages, before she enters the elevator. There aren't any messages that necessitate her returning to the Twelfth. When Kate gets to the building's lobby, Charlie and the town car are waiting in the loading zone. He pops out of the car when she exits, and opens the door for her. "Mr. Castle wasn't sure where I'd need to drop you off after your appointment. Where are we going, Captain Beckett?"
"I am happy to say take me home." Kate states with a big smile. Charlie smiles back and closes the door. Kate texts Rick: On my way home. ILY
A/N: Sorry I didn't live up to my promise to finish this story last year. I'm not even sure where the inspiration to write came from tonight. I'm just hoping that it sticks around long enough for me to finish the story.
A/N 2: This chapter is set in February 2018, so Rick has written 9 Nikki Heat books at this point. The 9th book was released May 2017. Just a preemptive note in case anyone brings up that there are 10 Nikki Heat books.