AN: Okay, firstly, let me apologize for letting so much time pass for this update, but as you know I'm in college and things are kinda messy right now, so sorry. Anyway, the next update will definetly take less time, so no worries there. As promised, this chapter is longer. R&R.
Scar Tissue
Chapter Six. Fifth Act: Subtractions
Fear.
Basic drives were activated once fear clouded the mind, some senses heightened as adrenaline cursed through the bloodstream, much of which would direct itself to the legs so that in escaping, optimal speed was achieved. Terror, however, was a bit different. It was an emotion so strong, so bashfully overwhelming that both body and mind would freeze in a moment of absolute helplessness.
Terror was familiar to almost every human being, as well. The more such a situation occurred, the faster it was for the body to recover from its initial shock and take action upon said situation. It would be expected, then, that a person such as the former Second Child, pilot of one of the most destructive war machines ever created, first survivor of a human-orchestrated Armageddon would be even remotely frightened at the sight of a single human being, she had, after all, fought God's messengers and killed many of them.
So, why was she terrified then?
What could this young, pig-tailed, freckled young lady do to her that hadn't already been done, what possible horrors could a single girl unleash on her already raped, corrupted and scarred little soul? Why would she, the Great Sohryu Asuka Langley be afraid of her best friend of all things?
"Asuka, are you feeling alright?" The purple-haired woman stood from the small table and walked over to her, placing a hand on the redhead´s shoulder. As soon as her hand made contact with Asuka's skin, however, the girl was brought back from her fear-induced paralysis and quickly slapped her hand away.
"I'm fine," she said, looking angrily at Misato's face. "Did you bring her here?," She spoke in a whisper then, gesturing to Hikari with her eyes. There was obvious anger in those blue orbs, but there was also a deep fright nestled in her gaze. Misato could swear the girl was shaking.
Hikari calmly rose from the table, turning to face Asuka completely. Her posture was hardened, eyes glaring straight into the former pilot, who seemed to shrink under its force.
"Miss Misato did no such thing, I came here to see you, but you were out, so she invited me for a cup of tea," She moved to stand in front of the redheaded girl face to face, leaving a few save four or five feet from her just in case the situation turned violent.
The rage drained from Asuka's face, replaced by surprise and shock. So Misato hadn't gone behind her back and brought the last person she wanted to see straight to her. At least that gave her some peace of mind. Hikari´s stare, though, was a bit harder to overcome.
"Oh… So, uh, what brings you here, Hikari?" She tried to sound as normal and cheerful as she could, her hostile profile dropping almost instantly. The pig-tailed girl smiled a bit tightly and regarded Asuka with an almost innocent stare.
"Well, you don't call, you don't answer my phone calls or my e-mails, you go off disappearing for a week along with everyone here, so I'm bound to worry a bit, don't you think?"
The sarcasm in the statement was obvious to both the Major and her surrogate daughter, it felt oddly out of place coming from Hikari. Actually, everything about the brunette felt out of place; the way she stood with her arms crossed firmly in front of her chest, the way the smile turned from slightly to full on sarcastic as she finished speaking, the disturbingly familiar manner in which she held herself…
Misato recognized the conduct instantly; it was like seeing Asuka when she wanted to play a nasty prank on Shinji. She wisely stepped away from the girl's "confrontation zone", she'd get involved if things got too messy, but not a second before.
"I mean, never mind the fact that we've only seen each other a handful of times after the world ended, I was just wandering what the hell you've been up to, where the hell you've been, or why the hell I had find out today, after a week, that you took the liberty of putting my boyfriend's best friend in the fucking hospital!"
Cursing definitely did not befit the class representative; neither did the hissing snarl that displayed on her pretty, freckled face. The aggressive posture was familiar, but it used to be held by a deep annoyance rather than actual anger.
Asuka's mood skyrocketed, her nostrils flared and her hands balled into powerful fists, yet she did not shout back. She swallowed her anger once again, fully knowing she would need it for her confrontation with Hikari later on.
"Let's just go to my room," She stated flatly. Hikari huffed nastily and started walking towards the redhead´s chamber, pausing to address a last glare before sliding the door open and letting herself in.
Asuka grunted in apparent defeat, and Misato found the noise troubling. She had expected the fiery girl to be truthful to her nature and launch herself at her friend, hell, she had been fully prepared to break apart a cat-fight, should one develop. Yet the redhead was looking at the floor, shaking and balling her fists as strong as she could, as if holding up a sob. Misato sighed as well and placed a hand on her shoulder, feeling the muscles tense even more under her touch.
"Look, I know you think you're not ready to see her, but it was bound to happen at some point. Listen to me, hey, Asuka, look at me," The young girl was trying to avert her eyes from her guardian, trying desperately to hide her weakness. She wanted to hit Misato, Hikari, shit, she felt like hitting herself, but every time she was about to lose it Shinji's face came to her. The entire left side of his face reddened and blistered, his right eye almost swollen shut and his healthy eye torn with such sadness, pain and resignation. Somehow, it managed to help her keep the anger in check; violence had become such a normal reaction.
Misato grew tired of her game and knelt in front of her, grabbing her cheeks and jaw in strong hands and forcing the younger woman to face her eye to eye.
"It's okay Asuka. If things get too difficult just call me and I'll escort Hikari out, okay?" She stroked Asuka's cheek with as much tenderness as her anger allowed, idly wondering how this meek little child could have once been the proud pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the devilish girl that took shit from no-one and backed down to nothing.
"Now just go over there and explain to your friend what happened, she deserves to know. It's going to hurt, I'm not gonna lie to you, but I promise that once it´s over I'll be here for you, is that all right?" The girl nodded, taking advantage of the moment and prying her eyes off Misato's motherly stare.
"I don't need your help." The statement was familiar, but the old poison was simply lacking. She produced a childish pout and headed to her room, bracing herself for another emotional roller-coaster. How long, she wondered, would it take until she finally broke?
Misato stood slowly, watching as her charge crossed the living room and faced her door with uncertainty. For her part, the redhead hesitated; it was her own damn room, and she was afraid of a freckled little girl who would blush at the very mention of cuddling. How pathetic had she become?
"Of course you don't," replied the older woman from kitchen. "But I'm here Asuka, and that's not going to change." She titled her head to the floor, feeling a bit stronger now that she knew Misato would help her overcome whatever happened. She nodded slightly, her face twisting into a frown of pure determination. She was done running away.
"Thank you." It was a whisper, but it was loud enough for Misato to hear, so she smiled and nodded as well, heading to the fridge for a fresh, cold, sweet and reassuringly familiar beer.
Asuka entered her room and found Hikari sitting on her bed. She warily noticed the fine layer of dust covering most of her belongings. For once her room seemed tidy and organized, not like the absolute wreck it had been before and after Third Impact.
Her fits of rage would not only extend to Shinj; she would ram her fists in her closet door until it cracked and broke, she had thrown her mirror to the wall several times, she had ripped her magazines, college books, pictures, anything she could find, she would pounce on and destroy. After coming back from that traumatizing event and consuming herself in anger and revenge, she'd break things just to make Shinji clean up, she'd rip her own clothes and demand him to mend them, even when she knew he sucked at it and he´d likely hurt himself, she'd throw plates (with the food on it) straight to the wall, knowing full well he would have to hurry and clean it before Misato came home, while trying to figure out an excuse to justify the missing plate. The list went on an on, every action worse than the former, all of them pushing together in her mind, attempting to suffocate her at any given moment.
"Are you going to stand there and look like an idiot all day, or do you plan on talking at some point?"
Asuka scowled deeply at the sarcasm in Hikari's tone, she had to suppress yet another angry snarl that threatened to escape from her throat, choosing instead to grip the doorknob as hard as she could before sliding the door shut. She all but marched to stand in front of her friend and slapped her in the face before the brown-haired teen could do anything to defend herself.
"Listen to me, and listen well, because I'm only gonna say this once," she growled menacingly, glaring daggers at her friend´s shocked face.
"Don't think for a second you have the right to judge me or my actions. You have absolutely no idea of what I've been through, so unless you somehow were torn apart by white demons while you were still breathing too... shut up. Regarding Shinji, I'll tell you right now Hikari, as bad as you feel, as bad as that asshole Touji thinks he feels, as bad as Misato feels, no-one, nobody feels worst about this than I do, so spare me the bitchy attitude, will you?"
Hikari nodded dumbly before hot, boiling rage re-ignited itself in her eyes. She stood from the redhead's bed and proceeded to deliver a slap herself. Oddly enough, Asuka did not raise to block. She did not even try to move her head from it´s position after she was slapped. Hikari idly noticed the fire had gone from the former pilot's eyes, they were hollow now, cold and detached, as if she was lost somewhere inside her mind.
The brunette scoffed angrily and stabbed an accusing finger in Asuka's chest. Unable to control her resentment and disgust, she lashed out, saying things she would regret for years to come.
"You… you filthy little bitch! How dare you?! I bet all those bruises we saw on him where your handiwork too, weren't they?! Weren't they?!" In her rage, she grabbed Asuka by her sundress and screamed at her face. Asuka averted her eyes from her friend´s furious gaze, looking at the ground. She nodded nonetheless.
-Slap-
"You Bitch! All he ever wanted was to make you happy! How can you possibly be so cruel?! You made him miserable for months, you were never even civil to him! What the hell did he ever do to you?! You´re a monster, nothing but a fucking ugly monster who hurts everyone that cares! I cannot believe you did this! Why, Asuka, why?!"
Unable to keep her anger anymore, her grip on the Second Child´s dress slacked and she crumbled, bitter tears running down her cheeks. Her knees buckled from underneath her and she fell to the carpeted floor, sobbing uncontrollably. What Misato had told her was just too much. Four broken ribs, broken arm, dislocated shoulder, concussion, severe lung damage, left eye socket damaged, heart complications, clinically dead for two minutes.
The words kept repeating themselves in her head, burning away her impression of Asuka forever. How could she have done something like this? For so long she had thought she understood Asuka. For eight months she had ignored every logic she knew, every perception she possessed and everything she observed in sake of lying to herself and not breaking their friendship. She's confused, she had told herself, she´s in pain, she doesn't mean it. But now she realized the truth about all those times when Asuka had spoken about Shinji. There was no goodwill in the redhead anymore, no humanity. Whatever Asuka had gone through, it had stripped away the friend she knew and loved and left a horrible shell in her place.
"You're right."
Hikari's eyes immediately snapped back to Asuka's. She was standing over her, her proud posture somehow absent, her azure orbs glistering with unshed tears.
"You're right, I'm a monster. You know... it so stupid... I would always tell him he was one too, but, but the truth is he was just lonely. What he did to me… you can´t understand. How could you possibly understand? Do you know what it's like to find the very thing you sought for so long just to have it taken away? Do you know what ´s it like to have your trust, your integrity, your very body violated? Of course you don't. He did awful things Hikari, awful things. He fucked himself while I was in a coma, he let me die in a way that would make you sick, but you know what's worse?"
She took a shuddering breath, biting her lip again to restrain herself from crying. If anyone had the right to know the truth, it was Hikari.
"I left him, Hikari; I left him to fend for himself. He begged me, he begged me to help him, he told me… that he wanted to be with me forever, he said he needed help and he did, he honestly did. He could have looked for anyone you know, at that point, he could have asked anyone for help, but he asked me, me of all the people in the world, of all the people he knew."
Asuka sniffed, chocking back another sob as the memories of Instrumentality assaulted her. The kitchen, loud voices, biting remarks, hate, so much hate, strong yet soft hands around her throat, squeezing, chocking, killing. Betrayal, you betrayed my feelings, you betrayed me…
"Nobody cares about me anyway… So everyone just go… and die."
"I pushed him away, and he lost it. I-I never knew I meant so much to him, I barely even realized it how much I hurt him, how right it was for him to hate me." The old walls were crumbling, decayed, worn and weakened; they could not hold the restrained emotions any longer. One after the other, the tears starting falling. It didn't feel good, or liberating like before. It hurt, hurt so much she wanted to die, but it had to be done. She needed to talk to someone about it, about the feelings.
"But… He never did hate me, not really. He cared all along. It's so sick, you feel so sick when you're confused like this. I wanted to hurt him, I needed to hurt him, but I felt it too, every punch, every insult. I thought it felt good, I thought he deserved every last bit of it, but he didn't. Shinji… he was so alone, just like me." Asuka's eyes stung with unshed tears. "He just wanted someone to understand him, to accept him. He wanted me to accept him, and I spat on his face when it mattered the most." Her hands curled into fists as self-disgust forced nausea to make the room and Hikari spin ever so lightly.
"Then," the former Second Child carried on, growing quieter with every sentence. "Then we came back to the world, and it was so cold, everything was destroyed, and he was there. It… it became a routine after a while, hurting him I mean. At first, it hurt me too, to see him so sad, so, so pathetic… But then I lost that too, I just wanted to hurt him back, hurt him for leaving me to die, for always being on the damn spotlight, for being the hero, for killing me, but most of all I wanted to hurt him because he was just like me. We were so alike that it scared me, it scared me what could happen if I let him get close, so I pushed him away, but he just wouldn't go."
Hikari was left speechless as she lay on the soft carpet, knees growing increasingly sore by the position. She was unable to move, though. In all honesty, she could make out some of the things Asuka was saying, but it was such a disoriented speech, as if she desperately needed to express these things. She couldn't make heads or tails with most of what Asuka was talking about, but she'd listen, for both their sakes, she'd listen.
"He always stayed, never wanting anything for himself, he was like a dirty doormat, just waiting to be stepped on. It made me so sick to see him like that, but I didn't do a thing to try to help him. I did horrible things to him instead… I did, and I know and I'm sorry… I'm sorry, damn it… damn it… I'm so sorry Hikari… I'm sorry Misato… Shinji… I'm so sorry…" Her energy spent, Asuka collapsed. There it was, she was broken, absolutely broken. There was nothing left inside but her grief and her anger. She couldn't even control her damn temper, she was a violent abuser that needed to put others down to feel just a bit less disgusted with herself.
There they remained, two sad little girls sitting on the floor, sniffing and looking down. The air around the room was tense, restrained; the atmosphere was hot, as if expectant of another outburst at any given moment.
Hikari hesitantly placed a hand on Asuka's shoulder, attempting to be civil for at least a moment. Taking a shuddering breath, she tried to articulate her thoughts enough to express herself somewhat rationally.
"Listen, I… You're right in that I... I can't possibly imagine what you've been through, but… I lost a lot too. I've been in pain, and I've been confused. I don't know what to do… I don't think I can just move past this, Asuka. I can't… be there for you, not right now, I can't even look at you, you're not the person I thought you were. God, I don't even want to know half the things you've done to Shinji," She made a motion with her hand when she noticed Asuka was ready to interrupt her.
"But... maybe, if you change things, if you get better, maybe we can... eventually... get better too. So… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but -"
"Don't apologize," growled the German girl, but it was painfully obvious her spirit was not in it. "You sound like him…" It was the wrong thing to say in such a situation, but the words themselves made little difference. Asuka´s voice lacked any poison as she uttered those words, just plain sadness.
"Will you… will you change?"
Hesitance. The sound of cicadas quietly dancing in the air outside could be heard through the open window.
"Yeah… I'll try."
"How about getting some professional help?"
A growl. Low and menacing.
"Don't push it."
"Okay."
Auburn met azure somewhere along the way, and Hikari saw no monster staring back. She saw no pure, uncontrollable hatred-driven beast that sought nothing but hurt. All she saw was someone that had gone through too much too soon. What Asuka had lived through was deeper than whatever she could understand, so she wouldn't try to.
Together, the girls stayed sprawled on the floor for a long time, hours passed and neither talked, nor made an attempt to move other than a slight rearrangement in their positions on the carpet. There was few they could say to each other without pushing for another fight, so it was best to just wait for a while. The wounds were still fresh and bleeding, after all.
Misato sat at the table and played with her second beer can, which was strangely at least half full. She did not particularly feel like drinking lately. The sour taste brought some bad memories, along with the smell of blood, memories of a sea of endless red, of endless possibilities, endless escape. Just like the booze.
Damn it… I can never do anything. Asuka… What the hell am I going to do with that girl? I feel like choking her half the time and hugging her to death the other half. God damn it. Why the hell did I even come back if I can´t do a thing? Shinji… He's in so much pain, and I can't even comfort him.
Sighing in despair, she eyed the redhead´s door. It had been a while since the screaming had stopped, so she was obviously tempted to go and see if they had killed each other or something along those lines. Her gut, however, told her to sit tight and wait, to trust Asuka and Hikari.
Everything's falling apart again. Well, I'm not going to sit and wait like last time, I'm definitely not gonna push my kids away now. I'll do something, maybe a shrink. Eh, maybe not, not yet. God, I wish Pen-Pen was here…
There was always that troubling part of her that drilled in her mind again and again a single dark, guilty thought. It had been eight months, eight. She saw the bruises, hell she even heard some of the fights, but she was always too tired. I'll talk to them tomorrow, she had told herself, but tomorrow never came. She thought it was not as bad as it could be; she even overlooked the broken fingers that one time, she thought Asuka was just acting out, when faced with the condoms in the bathroom dumpster she had tried to convince herself that they were proof her charges were getting along better. What an amazing role model and brilliant guardian she had been…
There was little she could do at the moment, so Misato decided to continue sitting on the table, waiting patiently for the girls to finish whatever quarrel they were having. She would have to pick the pieces that remained of her surrogate daughter, of course, but it was turning more and more gratifying to do so.
So many years wasted trying to grasp a revenge that was impossible and wrongly directed, so many more pushing everything away with the drinking and the screwing around when all she needed were those two little kids. Even when she had them, she just had to go and fuck everything up, treating them as her superior officer, not as their guardian.
What should we do now, what should I do, Shinji, with this life that you gave me? How much did you suffer for us to have this, and now we're just throwing it away? These past eight months are proof we didn't learn anything from Third Impact, we didn't learn anything from you… I'm sorry, Shin-chan… I'm so sorry...
The minutes clicked away, the sound of the small hands slowly moving forward in the old watch hanging from the wall were the only ones perceptible in the living room. Misato wondered if she would ever hear laughter overflow the corridors again, or if the sweet sound of Shinji´s cello would ever fill their minds and souls for those brief but precious times he would pick up the bow. Things were falling apart…
"So, is there any particular reason you're smiling like a complete idiot?"
A year before he would have taken the words as a cheerful inquiry, perhaps even the closest thing to a positive comment, yet the phrase was spoken as if the mere notion of him smiling made her physically sick. Not that he would blame her.
"Um… Was cooking dinner… I was just… Thinking about stuff… sorry." He stammered pathetically, almost shrinking under her stare. She was angry today, angrier than normal. Was today some kind of a symbolic date he had forgotten again? Maybe she was just having her… period, and was just acting out. Who knew these days, she didn´t really need a particular reason to hurt him, such things had been made clear during their week on their own. He didn´t blame her though, no, he felt even more drawn to her. He was sick.
"Stuff. And what stuff, exactly? I bet you were thinking about these, huh?" She grabbed her breasts, closing the distance between them and practically shoving them in his face.
"What's the matter, can't think about them while I'm here, or while I'm conscious? Need me to be on the bed, huh? The helpless little girl situation gets you on and all, right? I bet IV tubes turn you on too, right, remind you of that bitch Wondergirl I bet!"
His back was pressed against the wall, his eyes staring at her face, always so very beautiful, distorted in that now familiar snarl of pure rage. It was always scary to face her, it terrified him to the bone, he was still afraid of pain, after all. From the second he had awoken fro yet another horrible nightmare he had known something bad was going to happen, something really, really bad.
"N...No! I wasn't… I wasn't thinking that! I… I was just… making lunch…" His voice faded as he saw her expression change from pure anger to something worse. She smiled that smile of hers, that smile that chased him in his nightmares worse that the creepy voice which tortured him sometimes in his sleep. He gulped, pressing himself more against the wall as she closed the remaining distance between their bodies. He could feel her breath on his face; he could even the see the faded, almost invisible line under her left eye. It could only be seen at extremely close distances, as the scars around her body or on her arm. There were nothing more than slight discolorations around her skin. Nobody knew about them, simply because they were not truly noticeable. He felt disgusted with himself.
"Bullshit," She whispered venomously into his ear. "You always think about my body, don't you?" She pressed her right hand on his chest, her nails digging into his flesh through the simple blue shirt. A hiss of pain escaped his throat, and he could swear he felt it as her smile broadened.
"Does this hurt, Shinji?" She clutched her fingers, feeling his skin give in and warm blood ooze from the freshly made wounds.
"How do you think it hurt when I was ripped apart? How do you think it felt when my arm was split in half, huh?!" Violently, she ripped her hand from his chest, not even giving him a second to compose before slapping his face as hard as she could.
"How can you stand there and smile knowing everything you've done?! You little shit!" The pain in his jaw and in his chest was nothing compared to his heartache. How much more could his heart break? How farther could he sink into the depression that was slowly consuming him? More and more he wanted to end it, to find some release at last, to go to sleep and never feel anything again. He was thinking about running away for good, somewhere he´d be safe and alone. He was a coward, just like his father.
"You go around pretending everything's all right, it's always about the almighty Third Child, isn't it? If you feel good then it doesn't matter how much others have to suffer, right?!" She did not hit him again, choosing instead to stand above him and glare at his fallen, pathetic form. He noticed her glare was extremely familiar, as was the situation he found himself in. His cheek was on fire and his jaw felt as if it was about to fall off, he wondered if today she would finally deliver him of his pain and save him the need of doing it himself.
"Pathetic."
She continued to glare at him as he lay unmoving on the floor, a hand on his bruised and already swelling face.
"Everything´s about you, you, you ,you ,you. They even gave you the choice to save mankind, and what do you do? You blow the whole fucking world to hell! And you drag me down to whatever's left of it! You're so fucking selfish! You're a killer, a murderer! I hate you!"
"I'm sorry."
"Shut up! All you ever do is apologize! How the fuck can you apologize to me, how can you even look at me, knowing what you've done?!" She kicked him on the side, not too strongly, but not lightly at all.
"I'm... sorry."
She screamed as low as she could. It was a high pitched, almost ultrasonic sound that tore through his eardrums and ate at his soul. She screamed like a crazy person these days, but then again, if she was insane, it was his was there to listen to her wails and his grunts, anyhow?
Another kick.
"You… Monster..." The way in which she practically snarled the word made him sick. He tried to compose himself, grabbing the table for support and he stood upright and gasped for air. He could run away, hell, he could probably overpower her if he set his mind to it, but there was no point in that. This was his well-deserved punishment, and he would take it. He would not run away.
But, it hurts so bad sometimes. 'I'm always thinking about running away, I just don't do it because I'm sick like that. The way she is now, it´s my fault, everything´s my fault.'
Yes… it is.
She chased him around the table and as was expected, he tried to stay as far away from her as possible. She kept screaming at him, clawing at his heart with her biting words. Words had always had a greater impact on him than any physical pain, because he knew his body could heal. His soul, so very fragile, could not, it would keep bleeding from the fresh wounds rightfully inflicted upon it until it bled out completely once again and his meager, almost non-existent feeling of self-worth was washed away. If he surrendered to the pain, then Instrumentality would have happened for nothing, and for that reason he wouldn't give up. Ever.
"Monster, that's all you are! You remember what you did to me, you bastard?! The way you almost raped me?! The way you jacked off in my fucking face?! Why don't you do it right now? I'll stand here and watch!" She picked a plate from the table and threw it at him, missing his head by mere inches.
She always knew what exactly to say, which exact words to use in order to trigger the worst flashbacks from Instrumentality. She was like an actress sometimes, replaying the scenes with frightening accuracy. She knew it to be the best technique to crush him each time, almost the only way nowadays to get him to show pain. He could barely show any emotion after all he had gone through, as the months passed the numbness inside increased, as did the will, the urge to bring a knife to his veins and slash, to finally sleep and never, ever wake up. But he was a monster, a monster who deserved to suffer. He was a monster, and death was too good for him.
She finally caught him and proceeded to hit him in the stomach, kicking his feet from under him right after. He went crashing to the floor yet again, fighting to bring air back to his lungs.
"You did this." She was shaking with rage, standing above him, her fiery red hair shadowing her eyes. "You made me feel like this, you made me come back, you fucked everything up…"
Something broke. He thought he could take it, he thought he could stand this torture forever, but something broke inside him. He felt anger boil inside his chest, and for once it wasn´t directed at himself.
"I… I tried to stop it…"
She glared at him hotly from under her bangs, her fists shaking in indignation.
"How dare you say you t-"
"They did this, those bastards, my father, Akagi, SEELE, they did this!" He stood again, facing with an expression of ferocity seen on his face only when he piloted his Evangelion.
"I never wanted any of this!" She actually stepped back, it was barely a step, but it symbolized so much more.
"I wanted to help you, damn it! I wanted to understand you, but you kept pushing me away!"
It was now him advancing on her, drawing closer, losing whatever sense of self-preservation he possessed. He was tired of it, of all of it.
"Everyone pushed me away, everyone left me! How would you like to have the world in the palm of hand?! How would you like to have to choose to save a world that gives you nothing but pain!?"
She stopped retreating and faced him, true fear shining in her eyes as she witnessed his advance. He wondered briefly if she believed he would actually go and rape her as she so often said he had done. He could never bring himself to do such a thing, but he had to make her understand.
She was speechless, and he found that fact strangely gratifying.
"I'll tell you what you would've done, you would have made the same choice! Because deep down, you're just like me!"
There was a moment of absolute silence between them. She stood almost with her back touching her bedroom door, her eyes were wide, complete shock evident in them. It was a moment of blissful, absolute silence, and he enjoyed it.
Then, she pounced.
Before he could even raise his arms to defend himself, she threw her anatomy at him with military precision, dragging him to the ground a third time. Once he was immobilized by her powerful thighs she started hitting his face and every inch of his body. He did not raise to block.
"You… little… shit! How dare.. you... I'm nothing like you! I'm not a coward like you! You did this, don't blame it on anyone else! I hate you! I hate you! You remember this, Shinji Ikari! I hate you!"
'And is it,' he wondered quietly to himself. 'Because I'm just like you?'
In her rage, she took his right hand and grabbed his middle finger, stopping her assault and glaring hatred into his eyes.
"A piece of worthless crap, that's what you are, you're no good unless someone's using you, you bastard…" Her eyes shined with sick anticipation as he felt the pain of her blows all over his face and body. There was an increasing pressure on his right middle finger, his head was spinning from the blows, but not enough so to escape her accusing orbs.
"I'll never be anything like a weak, pathetic, horny little shit like you… You said it before, you belong to me, don't you?" She applied more pressure, twisting his finger upwards and feeling as his bones began to give. "Don't you?!"
"Y-Yeah…" He hissed through his teeth.
Yes, he did. It was his penance, and he would gladly go through it for a thousand lives. He would stay with her and be used by her as long as she saw fit, this he did because he chose to, not because he was forced. He had chosen to stay with her a long time ago.
"Yes… I do." His whisper was hoarse and laced with the agony that consumed both his body and soul.
-Snap-
His scream was loud and hoarse, his mind doubling over in pain. The finger had been broken, and he couldn't believe how much it actually hurt.
"You think this is pain? My arm was split in half, and you think this could compare to that?!"
-Snap-
"AAAAAAARRGGHHH!"
He was now struggling to break free from her hold, fighting desperately against her weight, but he had not been eating or sleeping well, so he was too weak to pry her off him.
She leaned in close, squeezing his hand to get his full, undivided attention. The eyes that glared at him gleamed with obsessive rage slowly brought him back to reality. The pain was so intense that he could hardly contain the scream that build up in his chest, yet he held it in. It was pointless to scream, the walls were so thick they could stand an N2 mine, his screams would go unnoticed.
"I want you to remember this every time you see yourself in the mirror, Shinji. I want you to remember who you are, and what you are..." She squeezed harder.
"And most of all, I want you to remember this pain the next time you feel like answering me back. You´re my toy, MINE. It's all you're good at, it´s all you'll ever be good at." He heard her voice begin to break and shake, saw her body tremble from the corner of his tearful eyes. "So don't even try to think you deserve anything less than this," She finally let go of his hand and picked herself up, admiring her handiwork. He lay crumbled on the floor clutching his broken fingers, agony coursing through his veins like fire.
"W-Why do you do this to me?" He all but squeaked, pain overwhelming his senses. His heart was broken, so broken. She hated him with all her might; there was just no point in going on anymore.
"Because you deserve it."
With that final statement, she retreated back to the depths of her bedroom, not to be heard of again for a whole day. She did that quite often lately, beat him up and then lock herself in that room, it was probably because Misato´s reaction worried her. Not that he´' ever tell his guardian the truth, however, what was it with that weird frown that clouded over her features after every attack? It felt... odd. Why did she look hesitant, or even... remorseful?
"Hmmm… How… delicious."
The kitchen dissolved into darkness.
The lights flicked on once again in Ikari Shinji's mind. He stood directly under the spotlight, and once again the voice that tormented him came from all around, and nowhere at the same time.
"So, do you still believe she made that soup for you out of the kindness of her heart?"
Shinji knew he was going insane. It was the only reason this could feel so real, there was no logical way to explain it, he was simply loosing his mind.
"HA! Insane? No, my dear Shinji-kun. Insanity would be too good for you, I´m afraid we call THIS by a different name, do you want to know what we call it, Shinji?"
"Yes."
"Guilt, Shinji, this is your guilt." The thing let out a roar of terrible laughter that shook him to the core. His guilt was eating him away, slowly rotting what remained of his soul until there was nothing left, until his self, all which made him who he was disappeared.
"You… You'll never leave me alone," He spoke at last to the monster, for once out of the power of his will rather then out of one of the beast´s inquiries."Not until you kill me." Shinji felt cold all over. "Will you?"
"Leave you? What?! Kill you? Haven't you learned anything , yet? Pff, what an idiot, really. Guilt, Shinji, I've said it three times, already. You're running away from it, just like you ran away by not stopping Asuka. And I'm here to not let you do that. Don't you see? I am you, I am what's left of your soul. I'm what's left of you. Isn't that alone disgusting?"
To make its point the monster manifested itself in front of him, glaring from those unforgiving blood-red eyes. The stench was suffocating, as always. Blood tricked down the monster's wounds, and its heartbeat thundered through his mind. He stood facing the decaying corpse that was his own soul.
"This is what you are, and the guilt, it is yours for all times. You killed them all, Shinji, you are the biggest genocidal maniac mankind has ever produced. You alone, with your bare hands, killed billions, and what's worse, you utterly destroyed every last person around you. Look what you did to Misato, look at what happened to Asuka! She'll never be the same, and it's your fault!"
Another bone-chilling cackle resonated though the empty, cold and dark void that was his mind.
"Your own mother condemned you to this fate, Shinji. She wanted you to suffer like this, because she knew just how ugly and pathetic you really are. She doomed you to this, to suffering me, the moment she climbed into Unit One. To prove my point, you know she did it willingly. So no, Shinji, I will never stop tormenting you, never, not even when you go insane and kill yourself. And you know why?"
It extended a hand to grasp at his face, cupping his cheek almost fondly, yet its touch was so utterly revolting. It felt like being touched by death itself, as the cold, dead finger traced his jaw line, a hollowness unlike any other pressed against his chest.
"Your guilt is endless, and you're being a coward, like always. Keep running! It makes chasing you so much more fun. I'll follow you wherever you go; this guilt will consume you for all times, so stop trying to fight me, you know it's futile. Accept this, because it's yours. All of it, it's yours…"
"-nji"
"This is yours…"
"No… Please…stop it"
"Sh-Ji"
"This is yours…"
"I never wanted any of this… please…"
"Youll suffer, you deserve nothing else."
"S-Ji!"
"Please, no more!"
"Yesss, beg, cry, rage to it all. Nobody will hear you scream, nobody will save you…"
"Please, stop it, I´m sorry"
"Beg, for this is yours… This is yours…"
"Shi-i!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, leave me alone…"
The monster chuckled and smirked. "Cry some more," he intoned, amused. "Beg me a bit more, nothing's going to change…"
"You'll suffer…"
"This is yours…"
"This is yours… Shinji"
"Shinji! Wa… Up!"
"Leave me alone, all of you, just go away, leave me alone…"
This is your penance. Enjoy it, you bastard."
"You brat."
"You coward"
"You Idiot."
"Leave me alone!"
"Shinji!"
He screamed as hard as he could.
The world came to focus. He sat up abruptly, gasping for air for a single second before white, burning pain consumed his hazed mind. All he saw was white around him, all he smelled was the nauseating stench of the clean environment, and for once, being in the hospital bed surrounded by the many machines made to keep him alive brought some semblance of peace to his disoriented self.
The boy tried moving his right middle and ring fingers only to find out his entire arm was numb. Wasn't he in the kitchen? Or in hell? What the hell was going on? When had he fallen asleep this time? Vaguely, he remembered someone calling his name.
The pain coming from within his ribcage was almost unbearable for a couple of seconds, as he took deep breaths to calm his raging heart, the glass shards moved along, rubbing painfully against his inner organs. The familiar beep was heard and the sedatives were released, alleviating most of the physical agony in a matter of seconds. Finally able to formulate accurate thoughts Shinji discovered a female hand on his right shoulder. Painted fingernails.
He slapped the hand from his shoulder.
Ritsuko took a step back from the boy, taking the sight of him as oddly depressing. When she entered the room to check the sate of his recovery and Shinji´s response to the serum, she had been surprised by the sight of him whimpering and trashing about in his sleep, muttering incoherently. She was quite aware of the boy´s feeling towards her, but his health was her responsibility, so meetings were unavoidable. She prayed he would not try to throw himself at her. Again.
Ritsuko gave him some time to recover. He was breathing quite heavily, as was to be expected after pretty much throwing himself upwards. Whatever he was dreaming, it must have been horrible. Heh, yet another child she had managed to completely fuck over.
One more stain in her blackened soul, one more thing to cry about at night.
"Sorry, Shinji-kun, you were having a nightmare. I need to see your sutures and make sure you're healing correctly, so if you'd just let me…" The blonde reached to lift his gown, but he pulled away, upsetting his injuries again.
"Don't touch me." he hissed through his teeth, trying in vain to sit upright. Wordlessly, he lifted his gown, revealing the heavily bandaged chest and rib area. It took him some time to finally take off the thin piece of clothing, not to mention the increasing pressure he felt on his chest. After some struggle and more than a few selected curses, he was left half naked on the bed.
In a manner of minutes, Ritsuko had already removed the gauze and was critically gazing at the two long, vertical incisions on the left side of Shinji's chest. Whatever they did, it was going to leave some very nasty scars. An impressively gruesome coloring of blue, yellow and red covered his whole left side, and even with the sedatives, the doctor knew Shinji was in pain. It was dulled to its minimum indeed, but it wasn't enough and they were already giving him too many drugs to enhance his healing and to keep him asleep for 10 to 12 hours a day.
"Hmm… Seems to be healing as we expected. I believe you'll be good to go in three weeks tops. You'll have to wear bandages for at least two more months, and I wouldn't recommend any physically straining activities for another month, and that includes running, jogging, cleaning, or any other thing that might upset your breathing." She paused to see if he was paying attention to her words.
Shinji was frowning quite deeply. He felt cold, lying there with nothing but white underwear on. His right arm was itching again, the cast was getting a tad too annoying, and blonde´s presence was definitely not helping.
"Are you done yet?" He asked coldly, glaring at her from under his bangs. She seemed to recoil under his accusing stare and started bandaging him again.
"You're advancing quite nicely, we'll lower the sedative doses, so you'll be less exhausted. Maybe we could try walking in a day or two…" She trailed off, noticing he was busy staring at the wall, doing everything in his power to Not pay attention to her.
"Okay then, I'll see you in a couple of day-"
"You did this," he whispered furiously, his left hand clenching and unclenching in that familiar fashion.
"P-Pardon?"
"You did this, you made me like this, you broke all of us, you and that bastard." Shinji spit the word bastard as if it was poison on his tongue.
The bitch is lucky I can't get up, I'd strangle her if I could, he thought with grim determination.
"I can't go to bed in peace, I can't get a good night's sleep, Asuka can't control her own rage, she'll never be the same. You did this, you bastards, you made me into this... this monster that I am…"
Ritsuko provided no answer, she could not think of anything to say to him, not because she lacked the intellect, but because she knew the boy was right. She had ruined his life, along with Asuka's and Rei's as well. If anyone was a monster, it was her.
The door hissed as it closed, leaving Shinji in the solitude of his hospital room once again.
He wondered what would happen when he was able to go home. Shinji knew nothing was going to change, as soon as he walked through the door Asuka would start her assaults with vengeance, Misato would keep coming home late, tired and drunk, Pen-Pen would still not be there and he´d probably have to spend a good week trying to clean the household. It didn´t bother him.
What did bother him was the feeling that arose each time he even thought of her name. He couldn't remember ever feeling so afraid of another person, not even when it came to his father or when he faced off against the Angels. Maybe it was his fear of being hated, of being rejected by others around him… no, it was something deeper, sicker. He felt drawn to her, every time he pictured that red mane and the lioness it belonged to his heart would flutter, whenever he remembered the good old days a smile would find its way to his face.
Along with these fond sensations, however, an irrational terror would fill his mind and red alarms would ring inside his head. It was the kind of terror that numbed the body completely and left the mind as clear as mush, the kind of terror prisoners of war were possessed by as they were tortured.
Whatever. He'd have to get over it at some point, just like he'd had to get over the rotting anger the mere presence of doctor Akagi seemed to provoke. Shinji sighed, laying back down he gazed at the ceiling, the all too familiar white ceiling of NERV Infirmary and wondered just what the hell was supposed to happen now.
Half the world's populations was still missing, and while it was true that people returned every day and nature was reshaping and growing, there was still the uncertainty of how things would go on. Governments had been reinstated in nearly every country, and after eight months, there seemed to exist a sense of camaraderie between every person, they all helped each other to survive, they shared whatever resources they possessed, in most cases anyway. Third Impact had been some kind of a deadly warning to the human race, it would have meant their complete eradication had it not been for Shinji´s choice.
Of course, he would never see it that way.
"Ugh… There´s nothing to do, and they said I'll be awake more time now. Hell, I don't even know what time it is. This sucks…"
Bored out of his mind, the former Third Child picked up the remote lying on the nightstand and turned on the TV.
Shortly after Hikari left, Asuka abandoned her room to make dinner. Misato saw as she cooked in the most zombie-like manner she had ever seen. It appeared as if she was moving in auto-pilot, picking the ingredients and mixing without a second glance. After a good 15 minutes, the redhead served two plates of fried fish and vegetables along with some tea, a rather traditional choice for someone who claimed to hate Japanese food.
"So… you went to visit Shinji today." Said Misato between bites. The food was good, not as good as Shinji's, but extremely edible.
"Yeah…"
She sounds dead, thought Misato worriedly, glancing at Asuka. Said girl was eating mechanically, not bothering to even savor her meal, it was obvious that she was trying to eat as fast as she could, probably because she thought the other woman would scold her.
"And how did it go?" She asked carefully. Asuka stopped eating and placed her chopsticks on the plate, her gaze firmly set on the table. Misato could see weariness in those eyes, the stare reminded her of Asuka´s state when she had been found by Section Two in that old tub, not too long ago.
"It… I fucked it up again." She answered sadly. The atmosphere around the table turned deadly cold at her last statement.
Misato tried to keep her temper in check, she knew Shinji was alright, had anything happened she would have been contacted immediately, so why was Asuka acting as she´d done something unforgivable?
"What happened?"
"I couldn't keep my temper in check, I yelled at him again…"
"Oh…" Misato had obviously been waiting for something worse, so she allowed herself to relax.
"Did you… hurt him?"
"That's a stupid question," deadpanned Asuka, trying to summon a glare and failing. "It's all I'm good at, hurting people. He's just stupid enough to stay with a monster like me. I'm always hurting him. You should just kill me, already. I know you want to."
Misato sighed in despair, it was getting harder to be understanding and forgiving with her surrogate daughter, but the major knew very well what her children had gone through, and she had made a promise to a certain bearded bastard that she´d take care of Asuka.
"You're not a monster, Asuka. You're just… confused." Misato saw the signs from a mile away. She knew Asuka was about to break down, she just knew. Even when the redhead was acting as detached and cold as she could, Misato could see through it all. The dam was cracking; the weight of her actions was such that she was truly unafraid of her pulling out her gun and killing her. "I'm not going to kill you."
Wordlessly, she stood from the table, motioning Asuka to follow her. Strangely enough, she did.
They headed to the balcony, overlooking the city side by side. Even when their apartment was a bit far away from the main constructions, the noise still reached the building. Hammers and heavy machinery worked non-stop to bring the city to a semblance of it´s former glory. The sun was sinking in the horizon, bathing the city with a relaxing orange hue. It had been a week now, a week since Asuka's outburst.
"Ritsuko called." Asuka's head spun the moment the words left her mouth. She could see the concern glimmer in her eyes.
"Shinji's doing fine. He's recovering wel,l she said, as well as can be expected. He'll be allowed to walk from now on, and they want to start physical therapy as soon as he´s regained some strength."
Misato smiled then, reaching out and all but dragging Asuka to a one armed hug. The redhead did not move away, in fact, she hesitantly placed her arm around Misato´s waist, hugging back lightly.
"My Shinji-kun is coming back to me, Asuka. He's coming back to us, so you better be nicer to him from now on. I will not allow anything, and I do mean anything to happen to him ever again." She whispered to Asuka's hair.
"We'll go see him tomorrow, okay?"
The redhead was too busy relishing in the feeling of utter and absolute safety the simple hug brought to her to pay attention. She was a monster, she knew it. She had done so many horrible things that her soul would forever be tainted, she would never find happiness, because she didn't deserve it. But Shinji did, he deserved to be happy, he deserved to find some semblance of peace.
"He deserves to be happy…" She whispered back.
"You do, too." Misato felt the girl stiffen and shake her head.
"No." Sh responded, suddenly furious. "I tortured him, I did horrible things. I raped him, Misato. He cried, he cried when it happened you know, , not that I wasn't bawling like a baby, too, and I felt so sick with myself that I threw up when I woke up the next morning. And that's not even the worst of it." The tears came again, along with the familiar sensation of utter self-disgust, but Asuka let herself go, she allowed the tears to fall, because she knew Misato would not push her away.
Misato did not, under any circumstances, want to know this, but she felt Asuka´s body wreck with sobs a second after, and she understood. She understood why mothers never give up on their children, why mothers knew the worst pains. She had to be Asuka´s pillar of strength now, if she scolded the girl, if she yelled, if she hit her again, it would solve nothing. She would have to listen.
"Shhh… Calm down, Asuka... Tell me about it, I know you want to. I'm here for you…"
So the redhead did just that. She told Misato of her greatest shame, she told her guardian about the multiple times she had forced Shinji into sex, about the things she´d say to him when she was at work and he was defenseless. She told Misato of the incident in the kitchen, of the broken fingers, the broken plates, the shredded clothes, the horrible insults. And between the sobs, the cries of anguish and the frequent visits to the bathroom to hold Asuka's hair as she puked, Misato understood her little girl a bit more. For the time being, she would not judge. She would not forgive just yet, Asuka would have to earn that forgiveness with her actions towards Shinji, but the regret Misato saw in her eyes was so absolute, so true, that punishment would have to wait.
Maybe things were not falling apart, after all.
TBC…
There. Done. God. Damn. It was SO hard to find the time to do this chap that I´m not really sure how it is, so I really hope you like it. i know I've been giving the same situation in each chap, Shinji in the hospital, Asuka off somewhere suffering and whatnot, but I needed to form that relationship between Asuka and Misato. As you know, they never really got along, so it´s important for me to highlight its development. Anyway, next chap will be more...active shall we say. Stay tuned for more Scar Tissue. Remember, reviews are my strength, and I thank you all for reading! Please stay healthy and eat your veggies!
PEACE
D.B
Inspirational music: I Live For Your Pain- Helloween; All Nightmare Long-Metallica; Tear, Dosed-Red Hot Chilli Peppers; A Pillow Of Winds- Pink Floyd; This Dying Soul-Dream Theater.