AN: Oh boy, another one. Geez, the muse has got me, so I give you what it has forced to flow out of me for the past...15 days? As formerly stated, this was all originally a huge, single chapter, but I had to cut it, got way too big on me, so instead of one humongous monstrosity, you get three regular-sized chappies! Yay!
Also, as a side note; since these chapter have been so heavy on me, I'll be reviewing and correcting them in the course of the week... month... when I get the time, so slight changes may occur, though the end result will be the same. Now, by all means, Enjoy!
I do not own Evangelion, Pacific Rim, Batman, the music I quote, and I certainly do not own Rebuild.
Salut!
Scar Tissue
Chapter Sixteen. Act Fifteen, Part Two: Not Hopeless
December the 17th, 2016. NERV Dining Area
She kept trying to glare at the people picking up whatever produce they were supposed to be picking outside the Geofront, kept trying to snap and scream at any person who came within ten feet of her, kept looking for the anger and rage down there in her chest and kept coming up empty-handed. For as much as she wanted to, the glare did not quite make its way to the people out there, sweating despite the raging cold. For as much as she tried, her insults sounded muffled and forced even to her own ears. For as much as she tried, she could not bring herself to remove the small golden chain from her neck.
Leaving Shinji's room, no, their room had been a conscious decision. Her nightmares were getting increasingly more real and agonizing with time and ironically, her own lack of sleep, making Asuka feel truly afraid she would elbow or hit or claw at him at one point. Therefore it was better for Shinji if she just slept somewhere else, away from him; then at least maybe he could experience some of the happiness they had been enjoying days before, even when she could not.
Bullshit, her own mind barked. You're just angry, and you keep feeling that thing touching your body. Sitting there alone at one of the dining area's long tables, looking at the window, Asuka was forced to agree with the voice inside her head. She was angry, and she was scared and sad and terrified and upset in every possible way. It was building within her to such an extent that she could scarcely think, let alone pinpoint one of the many nasty emotions swirling through her brain and chest, rendering her unable to touch Shinji or let anyone touch her.
Chewing mechanically on a small, dry apple, Asuka tried and failed once again to clear her head. The numbness of the entry plug washed over her like a cold wet blanket, forcing a flinch out of her despite the warmth of the dining area.
The exhaustion and insomnia were beginning to affect her again. A long week had passed since her last good night's sleep; the itching around her scalp was rarely sated, the heaviness of her body was making her clumsy in training, and her overall bad mood was truly starting to tire her out. Ishikawa had basically banished her from the gym in a fit of anger after the third time he had managed to knock her on her ass without trying, and had told her she was not to infest his gym with her defeated attitude. Training wasn't even an outlet for the things inside her anymore, which only forced them to mingle deeper, to take away more of her ability to show emotion.
In her head, Asuka knew she was doing what she had always done: hide under a curtain of anger until whatever sadness she was feeling either turned into more anger and fueled her, or simply disappeared into the pit inside her heart. The problem was that the pit had now grown uncharacteristically large ever since she had admitted to Shinji she didn't wish to pilot anymore. Not with that cold, dead thing taking the place of her mother's soul.
The main problem with her old strategy was that there was scarcely any anger left. There was scarcely anything left in her. Ignoring Shinji's increasingly worried gaze was getting harder; her heart twisted painfully each night she woke up covered in cold sweat and did not see him next to her, did not hear the sound of his heart lulling her back to sleep. It twisted and bled even more when she opened her door in the morning and there he was, sprawled on the ground in front of her door without so much as a blanket to keep him warm; keeping his stupid watch or whatever on her door, like he was afraid she would slice her veins or her throat open at any given moment and he needed to be around to stop her. She had threatened to do so before, before she had kicked his ribs in and sent him off to the hospital all on her own, almost killing the boy she loved. Yet despite her leaving without a word he still sat there, outside her room, as if he was a guard dog more than he was a human. It made Asuka feel uncomfortable and guilty.
She bit down on the apple with enough force to almost bite off an errant finger. If she didn't eat then Shinji would get suspicious; he would start asking what was wrong until she exploded and told him to leave her alone, no matter how low she felt when his eyes turned sad, then angry, and he stormed off to whatever place he went when he got upset nowadays. He was getting a lot crankier as days went by and her state worsened. Every morning he tried to coax her into speaking, and all he would get for the near desperate efforts were a shake of her head, the occasional glare and pure, unbidden silence. Her tongue felt heavy and leathery in her mouth.
In all honesty, Asuka had tried to keep it together during the first days. She had tried to put the thing's touch out of her mind, to forget the nauseating sensation of its fingers on her body and to forget how it made her relieve that horrible time when she had almost killed Shinji.
Oh yeah, she mused while finishing the apple. That's another set of nightmares I haven't had in a while. The dreams and memories of how she had hurt him, how she would certainly do so again if allowed, was another reason why Asuka had chosen to leave the safety of their room. I don't want to hurt him anymore; I don't want him to be in pain because of me. And yet her mind systematically showed her how possible that scenario was, how simply it could go back to the old way where she was hitting and abusing him just so she could escape dealing with her own problems. It was all a single step away; all she had to do was rekindle the fire that had been raging inside her since her mother's admittance in the hospital, probably even before that. Yet therein laid the problem.
The anger. Her old friend, her flame, the millstone upon which she had built her strength, it was gone, diluted, divided. She was angry at so many things at once; it seemed her anger simply did not have enough capacity to concentrate on the varied reasons for her increasingly detached state.
I'm angry at the Baka, she thought, trying to bring some semblance of order to her brain. It was proving quite difficult, more so after having slept about ten hours in the last three days. I'm angry because he simply keeps pushing me, keeps asking me to open up when I don't want to. The voice laughed inside her head, and Asuka glared down at whatever fruit she had started eating without even noticing. Liar, you're angry at him because he's so strong, and you feel so weak.
Her fingers curled around the apple, nails digging in deep enough to drip juice down her hand. There it was; her very, very old friend Jealousy. The old friend who had driven her away from Rei ever since they had met and burned whatever possibility had existed of the two girls ever reaching something more than mutual unkindness. The old friend who had kept Asuka from walking into Shinji's room when he came out of Leliel in a fit of rage The old friend who kept her in her bedroom the time he had been absorbed into Unit 01. She was jealous of him, jealous of the boy she loved because he had once again, without actually meaning to, outclassed her in every possible way.
It only took one touch from that thing to make me completely lose it. This time, she did bite down on her own thumb, but barely flinched at all when her teeth ruptured the delicate skin; if anything, the pain was a reassuring proof of her miserable reality. One touch, one time reliving what the EVA Series did to me and I was ready to go along with it. I wanted to go along with it. The worst part was that she had been happy at the time of the last synch test, happier than she'd ever honestly been. Things with Shinji had been wonderful and warm and inviting, her Unit 02 felt like wearing a powerful suit which fit to perfection, she had a trinket, a token of how much Shinji cared for her dancing around her neck, and still… Still I was ready to blow it all to shit because it hurt, because it was hurting so much. Coward. Fucking spineless coward. Everything you told Shinji, everything you did, and now that you've had the same thing done to you, you can't take it.
Unbeknownst to him, Shinji's confession of his happiness had only allowed Asuka to see the amount of damage she had done during their months together after Third Impact; just how miserable had she made him, that it took nothing short of her treating him like an actual human being instead of a walking punching bag for him to be happy. The jealousy corroded whatever worry or grief seeing him sad and upset awoke; how could he be happy anyway, with everything going on? With people trying to kill them and her EVA trying to devour her, how could he be happy? She wanted to damn him for being happy, to insult and demean him until every shred of light had gone from those dark blue eyes she was beginning to love. She wanted to absorb his happiness like a sponge and leave the boy resembling something more familiar, not this suddenly strong young man who seemed only too eager to care and protect her.
Asuka tossed the fruit into the trashcan and crossed her arms. The attempts at glaring did not cease, but all she was truly able to produce was the cold, faraway look she'd had for days. The fact remained: poor wimpy little Shinji, who had suffered beyond anything she could even begin to comprehend during Third Impact; who had sat there and watched and listened as she died; who had lost his mind when the EVA Series had gifted him with the sight of her mangled Evangelion... poor wimpy Shinji had rejected Instrumentality.
Her fists clenched at her sides. Wimpy little Shinji, like he called himself when he was angry or sad, had not only rejected Instrumentality, he had walked out of the Ocean and suffered the same type of nightmares she was suffering for God knew how long. Liar, her mind whispered venomously. He had it worse and you know it. You didn't have three billion people pass through you in a second, looking into your soul and forcing you to look into theirs. You didn't see him mangled and butchered and being offered to you like you were some sick little god. You didn't get rejected by the one person you thought could help you in the worst possible fucking moment of your life. Her clenched fists began trembling, so Asuka bit down on her lip to keep the tears at bay. You didn't come back to be mistreated, beaten and used like a comfort toy. You didn't start losing your mind the moment you came back.
The fact remained, cold and immovable against her psyche. Shinji had suffered through much worse than her Contact Experiment, had been at the verge of complete and utter insanity, and still he had resisted; still he had rejected the world of smoke and mirrors and had come back to suffer and be happy. A beautiful sadness, huh?
And she, the great Sohryu Asuka Langley, had been all too happy to accept the thing's offer as long as the pain went away then, as if it wanted her to regret her choice to reject said offering, it had punished her with the nightmares formerly quelled by Shinji's presence. Her own downward spiral made Asuka feel weak and vulnerable, making her regret her decision to let Shinji see her cry at the gym. You're trying to build those walls up again, her mind reminded calmly. You're trying to shut yourself off so nobody can hurt you and so you can't hurt anyone, because you're scared. You're scared you might hurt him beyond repair again, even when you promised to take care of him. You're letting your stupid pride win again, you idiot. Weren't you supposed to share this world with him, to share your heart with him?
Shut up, she whispered flatly. I don't know how to do anything else, well… I do… I just don't want to anymore.
The other voice, the one she had listened to her entire life, rose up and screamed and told her it was all Shinji's fault. He had been the one to make her look so weak and outclassed in the first place, she should therefore punish him for it and make him suffer, make him hurt. The teeth grinding against her cheek bit down harder. But I am hurting him, she thought. He's in pain because of me; he's hurting because he wants to help me and I won't let him, and I won't let him because I'm jealous of how strong he is. And I'm scared I'm just going to let go and let him take care of me.
Shinji was already beginning to drift apart from Asuka. He was angry most of the time lately; his food was turning blander and more tasteless by the day, and when he trained he blasted whatever music he had uploaded into her gift at full volume and shut everything but the exhaustion out. He had cuts on his fingers, a bandage on his wrist, and a sour look in his eyes. He wasn't sleeping well, if he was sleeping at all in between his own nightmares and his silent watch on her door. He was in pain, but looked angry enough to make Asuka understand he didn't care about the pain, that he didn't even feel it. He wanted her to be okay; he felt her current misery was his responsibility because she had told him so for eight months, and still she rejected him and refused to accept his help or reveal why she acted so cold towards him and everyone.
How could she tell Shinji? How could she tell him that when he put his hand on her shoulder, she could feel the corpse's fingers curling around her soul?
So engrossed was Asuka in her own train of thought, that she barely noticed when Misato sat down next to her. She jumped upon feeling the Sub-Commander's hand on her shoulder and flinched out of her grasp before her supposed guardian could protest.
And there it was. Another reason for her anger, sitting so comfortably next to her like everything was right with the world and the woman had not been about to kill her Shinji, and the rest of the entire fucking pyramid simply because she refused to trust her. Her 'therapy sessions' with Misato had stopped about a week before, just after her incident, simply because she refused to speak at all, so it ended up being a huge list of yes or no answers and tense silences.
"Hey," said Misato, trying to speak quietly. "I noticed you've been sitting here for a while. You okay?"
No I'm not fucking okay, Katsuragi. I'm sitting next to the person who wanted to throw Bakelite all over Shinji and blow me to hell. I'm losing everything and it's all my own damn fault and I don't know what to do. "I'm fine," she said instead, eyes glued to the windows. The other woman's presence was bothering her; she wanted to be alone, not sitting next to the woman who claimed to care for her.
"You don't look so fine." Misato took one of Asuka's locks in between her fingers; it was sticky and dry, not at all like the silken sheet Shinji loved. "You have bags under your eyes, I can hear the screams from my room, your hair is a mess, and you've been moping around for more than a week now."
"So?" Asuka bit out, with no true anger behind it. The lack of fire in her words was making Misato more uncomfortable than she cared to admit. "What do you care? Weren't you about to blow me up along with the Baka?"
I guess I deserved that, Misato thought. It was breaking her heart to see Asuka like this, so cold and far away like she had been before her escape from the apartment. She felt useless and helpless, and wanted nothing more than to help Asuka however she could. Asuka, however, was far too deep in whatever grudge she had against her guardian to even consider opening up to her again.
"I'm sorry about that," she admitted, trying and failing to place her hand on Asuka's shoulder again. The girl was having none of it, apparently. "I thought the EVA was going to start sprouting wings and reducing everyone to yellow soup."
"Yeah, thanks for the vote of confidence, Sub-Commander," Asuka answered dryly, scratching her right arm. It was starting to itch again, when it hadn't truly bothered her for over four months. "I'm really glad you didn't get to use your choker necklace on me either."
Blinking in surprise, it took Misato a second to understand what Asuka was referring to. "You mean the shocker in the plugsuit? Asuka, that wasn't my idea, I didn't even know about it until Ritsuko was screaming at Ikari to use it."
"Whatever." However much she attempted to make her tone biting and clipped, the anger would simply not come. She felt empty, and so full at the same time, full of foul things and morbid touches and the horrid memories of just how much she had hurt Shinji over the months, both prior to and after Third Impact. She had always blamed him for not understanding her, when she had never bothered to reciprocate in the first place. Despite Asuka's wishes, her lower lip began to tremble when the faint sensation of the heart-shaped locket brushed against her skin. I want Shinji, her mind cried out, sounding like a child. I want him to make me soup and tuck me in and hold me until I'm all cried out, I want him to stop me again if I attack him, I want him to hug me and whisper that he wants me to be okay.
"Asuka, please," Misato tried stubbornly. The girl's attitude was deepening the open wound between them both; Asuka was drifting further and further away from her. "You're not eating well, you're not sleeping, you're barely holding your own in the gym. Ishikawa's worried, I'm worried." She gulped and hated herself just a bit more when the next words came out of her mouth. "Shinji's worried sick, and he's not sleeping either. He's pushing himself too hard in training; he's cutting his fingers when he cooks… he's hurting. Why did you stop sleeping in your room?"
"Wasn't that what you wanted?" Asuka mumbled lowly, not even looking at her. "You told me to not breathe his air or you'd kill me yourself, remember?"
The fact that she had flinched almost imperceptibly upon knowing Shinji was cutting his fingers gave Misato a breath of relief. She could also see the little pendant dangling from Asuka's neck, which meant all was not yet lost. However, what Asuka had just said made her chest tighten.
"I…" she managed while she tried to come up with a suitable response. "Asuka, you know why I said that; I was almost choking out on the stress of keeping the people here alive without beginning a civil war, and then you went and hit Shinji until he was almost dying-"
"Then what does it matter to you if I'm sleeping in another room or not?" Asuka interrupted, sounding cold. "Your precious Shin-chan is safely away from me now, isn't that what you wanted?"
The flat tone in which Asuka spoke finally managed to break through Misato's patience. No wonder Shinji was being far grumpier than he'd ever been; it was almost impossible to keep a conversation going with Asuka, she bit out answers made to hurt, to push everyone away like she had done when she was a pilot and nothing else. "No, that's never been what I wanted," she said, tone clipped. "I just want him to be safe and happy, and even if you'll never, ever believe it Asuka, I want you to be safe and happy too."
"Pff, yeah right," Asuka huffed in that uninterested way that was getting on Misato's nerves. "All you care about is yourself. You just don't want to feel responsible for what happened to Shinji so now you've got this caring guardian act going on. I know the truth; I saw into that soul of yours, remember?"
Cold eyes, light blue and dead, stared at Misato in a way they never had before. There, finally, it was jumping to the surface. Asuka's spite towards her was making itself known, crawling out of whatever drawer Asuka had been keeping it in for nine months
"I don't care about what you think you saw, Asuka," Misato retorted. "I really care about you, about the both of you, and it doesn't take a genius to see you're both hurting, and that neither of you is willing to take that step forward."
A small glimmer, a kindle, almost nonexistent, began to settle in Asuka's stomach. The woman's prodding was starting to annoy her, truly annoy her. The nerve of the woman, pretending to actually give a damn when she had so easily turned her back on them both already, more than once. "What do you know?" she said sourly, lowering her eyes to the curled fists on her lap. "What do you care?"
"So you're telling me you don't care that Shinji almost broke his wrist two days ago?" said Misato. "You don't care that you saved every person in Tokyo, probably Japan, probably the whole damn world and yet you're acting like you killed us all? You don't care that you're starting to waste away, to look thin and pale and tired and unhealthy? You don't care that Shinji's hurting so much he's been killing himself over training just so he doesn't snap at you for how you've been treating him these past few days?" She sounded sterner than anticipated; the last thing she wanted was to upset Asuka even more, but the girl's attitude was getting too dangerous for her own health.
Her last comment had been a low blow, and they both knew it. Asuka kept quiet, refusing to answer until she came up with something cutting enough to make Misato leave her be. The woman could not even begin to comprehend what it felt like, having that corpse open up her soul like it was a book, reading through it and touching it, mingling and mixing with it until it was hard to discern where she ended and the thing began.
To make matters worse, she had seen and felt too many similarities between her and the thing to feel safe within her own mind. When it had told her that it was Asuka, when it had touched her and began mixing its soul with her, she had realized the thing's statement rang somewhat true. The raw hatred towards what it thought was Shinji was hers. She had transferred all those emotions to the EVA's core before she died, and they were nothing more than the reflection of what she had felt back then.
Of course she knew Shinji was hurting. She had seen it up front two nights before when she had decided, for his sake more than her own, to sleep in a different room so that, at the very least, he could have some space and a few hours of decent rest without having to hold her down. Regardless of whatever she considered to be her true intentions, she had seen Shinji march out of the room, their room, striding with a snarl on his face straight to the gym with all trace of the nice boy the nurses liked so much gone in seconds. Because of her.
She wouldn't tell him, Misato, Wonder-bitch, or anyone else, but she had quietly made her own way to the gym, and had stood there, hidden behind a pillar, for a good hour watching Shinji hit the punching bag and scream at it until he was hoarse and his body was shaking and dripping sweat. Angry tears had even leaked from his eyes, and against her wishes or those of her stupid pride, she hadn't been able to stop marveling at the way his growing muscles flexed and moved, the way the sweat-stained shirt had stuck to his healing chest, or the way his eyes had held the anger and rage she was terrified of; the same rage which had induced him into strangling her. He had looked like a warrior then, strong and human at the same time, which had only served to make Asuka more jealous of him and feel even more ashamed because of it.
"So?" Misato said, breaking through her train of thought. "Don't you care about that at all?"
Every bit of anger she had left went into her throat, as though attempting to convince herself, but it sounded like a lie, it felt like a lie when it left her lips. "No."
Misato stood up from the bench, glaring down at her. "Then I guess we have nothing more to talk about."
Asuka simply shrugged; it made Misato want to grab the girl by the shoulders and shake her until some sense jumped back into her head. She was one step away from either hugging Asuka until she started to claw her way out of the embrace or give her a good old slap in the face to bring back some sense into that obstinate brain of hers.
"I guess we don't," Asuka dully replied, looking at the window.
"I hope you know," said Misato. "I hope you know that when you throw something like this away, something like what you've built with Shinji over these months... once you break it, there's no fixing it. Even Shinji can only take so much until he's tired."
"It's for the best," Asuka said quietly, looking at her hands again. "If he's far away then I can't hurt him, then maybe he can be happy again."
Misato shook her head in anguish and clear frustration. Sometimes the girl's stubbornness and naivety went too far. "You tell him he's an idiot all the time, but you're the one behaving like one right now."
Asuka finally managed to produce a convincing glare; she wanted the conversation to be over, wanted to be left alone so she could simmer in misery a bit more until she forced her uncooperative legs to march to the Commander's office and demand another Sync Test. "What the hell are you talking about?" she retorted, half-glaring and half-staring at her guardian.
"Why do you think Shinji was happy in the first place?" Misato asked, unable to keep the anger out her voice. "He was happy because he was finally getting along with you, you idiot. All this time and you still don't see it, huh?"
"Shut up," Asuka muttered, crossing her arms. Misato's words were making her chest ache. Her right hand unconsciously gripped the small heart-shaped pendant around her neck.
"Screw you," Misato shot back. "Look at you, the great Sohryu Asuka Langley, beaten by a cheap doll, ready to blow everything to hell for no reason at all. What, being happy is something you just can't process or something?" She crouched next to Asuka, uncaring of how the girl averted her eyes and moved her head in whatever direction that wasn't where she sat. "You've always wanted people to take you seriously, haven't you?"
Misato trapped Asuka's hand in her own, and would not let go no matter how much she fought against her grip and tried to pry her hand free. "Nobody in this world will take you as seriously as he does, can't you see? Why do you think he came to you in that moment before Instrumentality? Why do think he tried to kill you? He took you seriously enough to want to take your life if you didn't acknowledge his. If you keep this up, Shinji will go and you'll be left with nothing but a big hole that will never fill no matter how many beers you chug down."
Asuka sniffed, but refused to cry. "...Kaji?" she whispered, almost too quietly for Misato to hear.
Misato gave a sad laugh and nodded. "Yeah, Kaji. But you know something?" It was more than refreshing to see some emotion dance in the girl's eyes; the sight alone helped Misato believe there was still a chance, a bit of hope for her young charges. She squeezed Asuka's hand and stared at her sad blue eyes. "Five Kajis wouldn't measure up to one Shinji, and that right there-" she pointed at the small pendant shining on her neck, "-that's his heart. If you break it again, you'll never forgive yourself, and neither will he."
"Misato?" Asuka said a bit louder. Despite herself, the hand Misato was holding returned the squeeze. "I… I need to go in there again," she admitted. "I need to settle it, or I'm just going to go crazy, I can feel it. I need to put an end to it, or… or I won't be able to accept it." She looked down at the golden trinket around her neck.
"Talk to Ritsuko," Misato answered, standing. "Whatever you do, Asuka, please remember." She placed her hand on the girl's shoulder one last time, and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "You're not alone."
He was cold. The wind was hot and rancid with the smell of blood, but it made little difference. He was still cold, a chill that ran all the way to his bones and made his teeth chatter with every passing breeze. It didn't matter, nothing mattered; he focused on the task at hand, moving stones and jagged pieces of metal out of his way. Perhaps if he tried enough, if he dug deep enough, then finally a piece of rubble would fall on him and kill him at last. Four months walking through broken streets, entering barely-stable buildings in search of sustenance or shelter against the ever-changing weather conditions, and not once had a piece of rock fallen on his head.
Perhaps whatever God truly existed wanted to extend his suffering to its ultimate length; perhaps he had not earned the right to die just yet, or perhaps a slab of concrete hitting his skull was too good of a way for him to die. He had theoretically been one with the rotten bastard for a few seconds after all, or at least that much had been explained to him. Choose, the thing had told him, the cold dead thing who was using Rei's face, Kaworu's face, his Mother's face, to coax him into killing everybody. So he said 'screw it, why not?' It wasn't like anyone would care if he died; Asuka would certainly breathe a sigh of relief and maybe even throw a party in honor of his demise. Everybody could go and die, just to be brought back to a devastated land with little to no chance of having a decent, meaningful existence in the post-apocalyptic hell he called home.
Another gust of wind ran through him, sinking deep into his bones. His skin felt hot, but he was cold. He was sweating, but he had barely advanced at all in his scavenging quest. There was no more food to look for; the shacks around the crater were quickly becoming solid buildings again, the boats were arriving from other parts of the country with food and supplies, and there was even a store close to their new apartment building. Even so, here he was, standing on the huge pile of rubble that had once been his home, or at least what he thought was the rubble of his old home, searching for anything he could salvage.
Maybe his cello had survived, against all odds. Maybe some slab of rock had sheltered it. Maybe he could find another of his old SDAT's cassettes and fly away to a better, quieter place in his mind. But no... nothing. It was a worthless effort; he'd never be able to move the pieces of concrete separating him from the crushed remains of his room, but being out there where it was hot and cold at the same time was better than being in the apartment, with her. The hitting had been getting worse as of late, and so had her frequent visits to his room.
Shinji lifted his dead eyes to the sky. Cloudy; people would probably rain on him that day. On him, their killer.
His leg was hurting, but then again his whole body was one big pile of agony. The side of his face she had hit was throbbing, along with the leg; it made no difference, not to him anyway. What was a bruise? What was a purple mark on his leg? Did it even come close to having his eye socket explode inside his skull? Did it come close to having someone rip out his guts while he was still alive? Shinji didn't think so, therefore he did not pay attention to the way he was obviously wobbling along with the wind, shaking with every gust of air that touched his clammy skin.
He sniffed once, twice. Great, now he could add a runny nose to his ever-growing list of ailments. It wasn't like it made any difference to her if he was sick or not. When she had those nightmares, when she woke up screaming and blessedly roused him from his own little personal mental torture chamber, then the visit to his room would be more than certain, whether he wished for it or not. It didn't bother him as much anymore; she was beautiful, after all, and there was precious little he could do to stop his stupid weak body from reacting the way she wanted. To make matters worse; sex felt incredible, something that took away his pain and trauma and tormed everything into endless bliss if only for a moment. It was a better way of running away than cooking or cleaning, or scavenging for that matter.
Some nights he wanted to hug her, grab her breasts and squeeze all of her beautiful body plush against him, other nights he wished for nothing more than to put the redhead on her back with his hands around her neck, and just fuck her and kill her all at once. Even if he tried, he could not say which of the two he felt would ultimately control him in the end.
Oh, but there was no end. He was reminded of it when he gave up his stupid little search once the sunlight began to fade. Night meant hungry looters walking around, looking for anything to trade for food or a better place, even when it meant trading with human life. Such was the reality he had chosen; such was the world he had created with one simple choice. There was no end for him, since he had promised to give his life away to Asuka if it meant he could somehow redeem all he had done. There was little else to do than accept his situation and carry on living, carry on surviving. After all, if he died then maybe he would go back to Instrumentality, and he hated that place; suffering in life was better than suffering in that world, for him at least.
Shinji walked slower than he intended; no matter how he tried to ignore it, the bruise on his leg weighed him down and the cold feeling around his body would not go away. Faces began to appear as he neared the building; angry faces. They pointed their fingers at him, whispered how he had been too weak to put up a fight and now they were naked and homeless because of him. They were right, had every right to despise him, so he simply stared ahead and tried not to cringe when some of them pushed him, or spat at him, or pushed a faded picture of a lost one to his face and pointed at it, screaming that he was responsible. Of course he was; he was the Almighty Third Child, punisher of humanity. Him, a sick teenager who could barely stand on his own two feet.
Once he had reached the relative safety of the apartment and realized Misato was nowhere to be seen, Shinji resigned himself to another night of barely any sleep and a good dosage of pain. He began preparing dinner, having acquired a few pieces of frozen chicken and fresh rice in the morning. He ignored the growing nausea in his stomach, as well as the way his skin was sticky and uncomfortably hot and kept forcing his body to shiver. While he was mixing the tomato sauce he was preparing for the chicken, for one brief moment he saw pieces of people floating in the pan; faces and heads bubbling in and out of sight, arms and legs being dissolved into red blood, and the eyes of that white giant, those red eyes, deranged with ultimate power, staring down at him.
Shinji ran to the bathroom and vomited up the water and the miserable sandwich he had procured for lunch. He dry-heaved into the bowl for a while longer but afterwards, feeling a bit lighter, he washed his face and hands and marched back into the kitchen to continue with the task of preparing dinner as though nothing had occurred. The visions weren't as frequent as before, thankfully, plus if he drifted away for long enough Asuka was almost certain to smack him around the head or give him a good slap to rouse him.
He finished dinner feeling weaker than he had since dragging himself out of the Ocean, drank a full glass of lemonade in hopes that it would help with whatever disease was making its way through his body, forced down a few mouthfuls of rice dipped in the red sauce that made his stomach rattle, and went to bed. He had not seen Asuka during his time in the kitchen, but once he heard her leave her bedroom and begin chugging down the food he had left for her, Shinji allowed himself to fade into unconsciousness. It did not last long.
She kicked him to wake him up, as she usually did, and removed her shirt and bra in a fluid motion. He was still feeling sick, nauseated and exhausted, a headache was threatening to split his head in two, but that didn't matter to Asuka.
"Pants down, Shinji."
She fell on him and kissed him hard. It was far from a real kiss, he had learned that lesson from Misato after all; she simply mashed her lips against his and pressed her naked body against his, pushing his shirt out of the way and running her fingernails down his naked chest. She stroked him to get a reaction and was not disappointed, for even while sick and feverish Shinji was unable to resist her. He had promised not to resist, after all.
"You're sweating," she told him, looking slightly disgusted. "You're all sweaty and…" A palm pushed him against the mattress. "… you're burning up."
Not that it deterred her. Her mouth came down on his again, harder this time, and she began grinding against him body in that way that rendered him motionless. Before long Asuka grunted against his neck in the familiar way he remembered, grabbing a fistful of his hair. She forced her pretty face right next to his, nose to nose, and glared. "You're mine," she whispered.
"Yes," he answered almost robotically.
He wasn't too certain, but the hold on his hair seemed to lessen. She stared deep into his eyes, into those dead eyes he hated looking at in the mirror, and pressed her forehead against his when he entered her.
"You're mine," she said again, in between gasps while her hips descended on his. "And you won't hurt me."
"Yes," he answered, already beginning to feel his mind be converted into mush by the sheer pleasure radiating from his groin.
Out of the corner of his eye, something glimmered. Shinji's eyes opened wide as saucers. It was... the gold chain he had given her, hanging from her neck. His eyes grew terrified when Asuka lifted her head, naked and on top of him, and gave him the bestial snarl he was so afraid of, the snarl that would appear when she was about to hit him. Only... Asuka did not hit him.
She smiled, yet it was not the confident smirk he loved, nor was it the carefree smile that made his knees weak. It was a cold smile, icy and sadistic. She pushed the small, heart-shaped locket in his face.
"You really believed it, huh?" she whispered sweetly at him, running her fingers up and down his chest the way she had begun to do only a few weeks before. "You really thought you would ever amount to more than this for me?"
He was paralyzed. Why? Why was he paralyzed? The Beast was nowhere to be seen, the Asuka on top of him was not one of the Beast's disguises. Why couldn't he move?
"Such a boring, foolish little boy." She ran her nails across the skin of his chest, and for a second he could actually feel the scratches as though they were real. She snapped the necklace off her throat in a savage yank and presented the object to his face. "You really thought this little piece of shit would change anything, didn't you? You really are an idiot."
The locket fell on his chest and dissolved into LCL. Shinji's eyes widened even more; when he looked up, Asuka's eyes were a vibrant, deranged red. Lilith's red. A scream blossomed in his throat when Asuka's skin began to produce a faint glow, but he still could not move. Her body felt unnaturally heavy against his.
"You're nothing, Shinji," she told him, glowing crimson eyes shining with insanity. "You've always been nothing to me, just a toy. A doormat. A punching bag. Not even a human, maybe more like a two-legged dog."
She grabbed his throat and began to squeeze, insanity radiating off of her. "Now be a good little dog and die, won't you? I'll become God and remake the world to my liking, a perfect world." The roof exploded above him, and the sky turned crimson.
Asuka lowered her face to him once more and kissed him. It felt cold, rancid, like the dead hands of the Beast when they pressed against him. Asuka squeezed his neck, drew back from the kiss, licking her lips, and whispered in his ear.
"…A world without you…"
"NOOO! Sto-!"
Shinji quieted the moment a jolt of agony pressed against his wrist and a second one pushed on his healing ribcage. He was breathing heavily, panting even, eyes wild and frantic, wrist burning, chest burning and sweat rolling off his face. He turned to his right, where Asuka preferred to sleep; empty. Ignoring the pain coming from his hand, Shinji clenched it into a fist and drove it into the mattress.
"Damn it…"
December 18th, 2016. NERV Medical Ward. 3.55am
Knowing there would be no more rest to be enjoyed, if the nightmares he was having could even be considered rest, Shinji rose from the bed and stretched, feeling every muscle in his body protest and agonizingly remind him just how hard he had been training the past few days. The sensei had told him, repeatedly; that if he did not rest then all the training was for naught, that he needed to balance the strain on his system with a minimum of seven hours of sleep, but a hundred speeches about proper health would not take away the dreams.
Shinji lowered his bare feet to the cold floor and walked out, heading for the windows by the dining area. It was one of the few places where one could still see the full moon shine through the crater, and a great place to watch a sunrise. Not that he had anyone to watch with, anyway.
The nightmare was a new development; apparently his mind had decided that either memories or fake scenarios alone were scarcely enough to keep him sufficiently tortured, so it had now developed a new way to mix both memories and fears and spew them all out at him. Great, he thought dispassionately. Now I get to suffer through a new level of hell. Lovely. It feels like a videogame made to torture me, every few months I reach a new level. Once his numb feet reached the dining area he strode over to the window, where moonlight still reflected against the floor. The Beast had seemingly considered his actions too cowardly to concern itself with him, so there was at the very least no troublesome voice in the back of his aching brain.
Until now.
You're such a fucking coward, it uttered inside his head. Shinji smiled bitterly. I guess I called victory too soon, huh? You are pathetic. This time he actually managed a low chuckle. Tell me something new or shut up. Your act got old and stale a while ago, he answered, watching the moon. The crimson stain was still there, marking his insult to humanity for generations to come. You should be with her, you stupid wimp. Why don't I just break out and kill her if you're so prissy with her lately, huh? You won't kill her, Shinji answered simply. You won't touch her. I've been letting you out a lot, don't make me regret it.
It laughed inside his head, but the laughter sounded fainter than it had a few days before. Fine, be that way, roll around in your own misery like a drunk would in his own puke, you weak little monster. You know, for a while there, I thought you really had changed. Look at you, standing here when Asuka's in that room with nothing to protect her, no one to help her. You're just sitting on your ass, like last time. Shinji's fist clenched at his side. Shut up already.
Fuck you, you little wimp. Be a man already, or don't. It's all the same to me. The way I see it, the more you run away the stronger I get, idiot. Soon enough I'll be fucking with you again if you don't do something. The laughter reverberated though his head; it felt as though he were laughing pathetically at himself and his uselessness. I'll break out and hurt everyone you care about, that's a promise, you wimp.
"Nii-san."
"Gaaah!" Shinji almost jumped out of his own skin when Rei apparently materialized out of thin air and was now standing next to him, dressed in her nightgown and staring quizzically at him. He had probably been so immersed in his own thoughts that he had not even heard her approach. "Rei-chan," he managed after a while, looking sheepish and trying to slow his racing heart. "Sorry, I didn't hear you walk in."
"Your apology is unnecessary," she said. Asuka told him the same thing all the time. Thinking of her again made him remember his nightmare and frown, which in turn alerted Rei. "It is 4.23am, Nii-san. Why are you awake at this hour? You retreated to your quarters at 10.45pm last night. You have not had an acceptable amount of REM sleep."
"Why are you awake at this hour?" Shinji shot back, trying to evade the question. Rei blinked at him, clearly seeing through the poor strategy, but shrugged and answered all the same.
"I heard a noise while sleeping, and rose to investigate." Her eyes narrowed in his direction, making him gulp. "You were screaming. Denying something, if I am not mistaken."
Shinji's shoulders slumped in defeat and embarrassment after knowing he had been the reason Rei was awake at such an hour. "Sorry," he said again and took a seat on one of the benches, inviting Rei to do the same. "I had a bad dream."
"I assumed as much," she answered and gingerly sat next to him, giving Shinji a small smile which he tiredly returned. It wasn't even morning yet and the tiredness was already starting to settle in; it would be a bad day. His eyes felt heavy, the back of his head hurt and ached and itched, both of his wrists protested against the bad treatment of the past few days, his legs felt like they were on fire and the healing muscles in his midsection complained loudly with every breath.
"Do you have bad dreams, Rei?" he asked quietly, staring at the fading moon. The sky was barely starting to turn visible, and from their spot in the dining area some stars were still sparkling in the early hours of the morning.
"Yes," answered Rei, staring at Shinji's bandaged wrist. He had injured that wrist on the night Asuka had left their room, while training with the punching bag. "Some night I… dream of my other lives. Others, I dream of Lilith, and of her touch, which I am sure you are familiar with. Other nights… I dream of the times I died, of the Void between my personalities. Bad dreams are most… troublesome."
"Yeah," he answered, looking down. He knew the feeling only too well. "I have a lot of bad dreams, too."
"Will you tell me of them?" Rei asked, taking his hand in hers. It was warm, a bit softer and smaller than Asuka's, and a bit less calloused as well. Regardless, it did wonders to soothe some of the pain in his chest.
"I don't think you want to know about my nightmares, Rei-chan," he told her; he gave her a small smile and tugged at her hand. "But sure. One day, I'll tell you about them one day."
Rei smiled back. Shinji could not help but notice that under the moonlight, her pale skin seemed to glow, and her crimson eye shined with affection, making him forget the deranged stare in Lilith's eyes, at least for the moment. After all this was over, he'd need a stick to keep his classmates away from Rei, because she was beautiful in that very unique way of hers.
"I wanted to tell you," Shinji began after a while, when the first rays of the sun were beginning to color the sky blue and pink. "I don't think you should think of that man as a father."
"So you have told me before," she retorted, giving him another smile. He couldn't help but remember their stand against the Fifth, that first time she had smiled at him like that. "But he is my father. I have none other."
"You have me," Shinji commented sourly. "Maybe I don't know much about being a big brother, but if you just give me some time I'll get the hang of it."
"You are my brother," Rei told him calmly, ignoring his crossness against the elder Ikari. "And he is my father. They are both different relationships. He will not harm me, Shinji-kun."
"How are you so sure? Look at all he did to you! He would've let you die over and over again just so he'd get what he wanted. He's nothing but a cold, manipulative, selfish bastard."
Ever patient, Rei waited until he was not grinding his teeth in anger before she responded. "Perhaps so," she said. "But he is your father, is he not? When I see you, I see his chin, his eyes, and his drive. You have a strong heart, just as he has a strong mind. He would have sacrificed everything to achieve his goal, thinking he could redeem himself to you and his wife, and you…" Shinji seethed at the very thought of being compared to his father, but when he turned to look at Rei he saw a light blush on her pale face. "...You are the type of person who would jump into an EVA just so an injured half-clone would not be forced to."
"And that's exactly my point, Rei. He was the one forcing you into that entry plug, and… oh…" Shinji blushed as well when his sister's words truly sunk in. "…Thanks."
"You are welcome." When Rei stared at him like that, with so much patience and that strange shine in her eyes, Shinji couldn't help but be reminded of his mother a bit, while at the same time he felt as if he was being chastised like a small child. "If you must know, there was a part of me that truly resented him."
Shinji's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Really? How so?"
Rei looked lost in thought for a moment. "The Third, the part of me who rejected him during the beginning of Instrumentality and instead went to you." She gave him a minuscule smile. "She loved you more than she ever loved him, and resented him for all the pain he had caused us both."
"So what happened to that Rei?" Shinji asked, sincerely curious. This time, the small smile on heis sister's face widened.
"She is sitting next to you, Nii-san. All of them are me. Rei. Your sister. And I would not be sitting here today next to you, were it not for our father."
Shinji scoffed, crossing his arms. "How can you forgive him just like that for everything he did, and let go of all that anger?"
I believe you, of all people, understand how, Nii-san. "Forgiving heals," she said, ever enduring and calm with him. "I do not wish to hold onto that particular grudge, and forgiving him has helped me heal and find myself, to discover who I truly am."
Shinji's eyes and shoulders slackened a bit on hearing her words; they released some unknown tension that had been building inside him since he had first set eyes on her next to his father. "You're really strong, you know," he whispered, uncrossing his stiff, pained arms to take the girl's hand again. It felt warm against his palm, warm and safe. His sister. Family. Someone to protect, someone who wanted to protect him. Quietly, slowly, some of the anger receded and went back to its slumber within the Void. "I'm glad you came back."
"Of course," she answered as it were something completely normal. "And thank you."
Rei waited until the sun was clearly visible in the sky and there were no more stars to shine to ask what she had come to ask from the very beginning; she waited until Shinji lowered his guard, until he was a bit calmer and watching the sunrise with thoughtful eyes.
"Nii-san, why have you ceased sharing bedding space with Sohryu? I was under the impression it helped you both with your nightmares."
Shinji would have probably reacted badly, had he had any energy to be angry left. It had leaked off day by day, leaving him with nothing more than the worry, the helplessness and the grief. "She just left," he said tiredly, staring at the sunrise. "She won't talk to me, won't tell me what I did wrong."
Rei squeezed his hand. "Have you tried, truly tried to speak to her about this in the days since she has been gone?"
Once again, Shinji felt like he was being chastised. "No," he replied bitterly. "I've been angry. I thought we were past this crap."
Giving his hand a tug, Rei managed to catch Shinji's eye. "Relapse is a common event in recovery," she told him with a serious tone. "It means one is walking forward, but has stumbled. Will you help her walk again, and walk alongside her, or will you begin running backwards?"
No running away. Not again. Not ever. "I'll help her stand and walk," he promised her, drawing Rei into a hug. "I guess I've been a little childish, it really got on my nerves how quickly everything changed and went to hell. But you're right like always." Shinji tugged Rei a little closer and leaned his head on her temple. "I'll walk by her side as long as she'll let me. I'm done with doing nothing."
"Then you will have a long road ahead of you," Rei answered cryptically, trying not to blush at the close proximity. She remembered, however, that Shinji himself was no more versed in human contact than she was; he had only ever been hugged by his mother, Misato and Asuka, the latter of which had since ceased any physical contact with him for over a week. He was reaching out, putting himself in danger, lowering his little hedgehog spikes for her. Rei's arm circled around him. "This is… acceptable." she concluded.
"Yeah, it's nice," Shinji agreed. The sun had risen over the horizon, signaling the beginning of a new day. A new chance to get close to Asuka, to hold onto her. No running away, you prissy little brat. Now or never.
December 19th, 2016. NERV. Commander's office. 9.50am.
The halls seemed endless; the lights were too bright and already a headache was nesting in the back of her head. Every part of her body was a knot of stress and pain, every step an agony for her sprained ankle and healing stomach, but Asuka did not stop. She felt numb all over, like the dam which had broken in the gym had resealed and was again threatening to break. The anger was almost consuming everything in her head, leaving her almost unable to think let alone notice where she was walking or why. More than a week had passed since her last decent night with actual rest instead of screaming and thrashing the bed in fear and rage. True, the night before she had managed to rest a bit more than usual, and hence her anger was beginning to make itself known and available once more, yet the tiredness and soreness persisted.
She remembered what had transpired the night before, and felt shame creep up into her belly.
Waking with a scream, Asuka felt for her eye-socket and pressed until she was certain there was a healthy eye underneath. A gust of cold wind blew against her skin, making her recall the thing's disgusting touch, and soon enough the phantom pain on her arm and around her body began to pulse. She rose from the bed in a flash, running all the way to her bathroom and puked up everything still remaining in her stomach. Her body was so weak she could not even find it in herself to move from the bowl's cold surface.
The door opened, forcing a gasp out of her. The soldiers, the JSSDF? Were they attacking? Was she in her EVA? Had the Eva Series descended on them?
Yet it was none other than Shinji who made his way to her, not saying a word. He looked solemn, sad even, and more than a bit angry. Had she had any strength at all, she would have screamed at him to leave at once. She did not wish for anyone, let alone Shinji, to see her in the disheveled state she was in, momentarily forgetting Shinji had seen much worse and had still risen to help. He wordlessly picked her up by the shoulders and took her to the sink, where she brushed her teeth in something like auto-pilot, then led her out of the bathroom. However, he didn't deposit her in her brand new, cold, stiff and stupid bed. He basically carried her along the hallway, uneven feet stumbling while his arms held her by the shoulders and waist, and entered their room.
Once safely inside, Asuka felt a bit of her energy return, and was about to tell Shinji to please leave her aloney so he could be a little happy by himself, without her, when he took her by the arm and pretty much pushed her stiff body on the bed, climbing on next to her before she could protest.
"Asuka…" he whispered, holding her close. "Close your eyes, rest… okay? I'll be right here…"
It disgusted her how her body seemed to unwind by the simple act of putting her head on Shinji's chest. It disgusted her how she used him, the comfort and warmth he provided for her, in order to be lulled back to sleep by the steady sound of his heart. What disgusted her the most, though, was how she was cowardly enough to leave in the early hours of the morning, when Shinji was sound asleep and holding her close, without so much as a word. Just the way she had done before.
Asuka shook her head to clear it, momentarily losing track of where she was going again, and kept walking on auto-pilot until the Commander's door stood in front of her. She needed to do this, needed to be faced with the thing again so she could put it in its place; needed to make it take the stupid pain and the nightmares away or she'd never be able to overcome the funk she had fallen into. There was a piece of her soul standing restless, raging and snarling and biting inside her, demanding to face the thing once again. Of course, there was also the voice who screamed bloody murder at her for being angry at Shinji and having no true reason behind said anger but her old jealousy. The same voice that demanded she stay as far away as possible from an entry plug.
Once inside the office, and having declared her wishes to both the blonde bitch, the bastard and the stupid Wonder-bitch who seemed far too comfortable with returning to her station as the bastard's shadow, Asuka tried not to pick up one of the computers and crush Ritsuko's skull with it when the Commander simply shook her head at her.
"No."
Asuka's molars ground together. "What the hell do you mean no?! I need to get in there again!"
Ever calm and cold, the woman simply continued typing on her computer. "Asuka," she said, distracted. "The last time you had a synch test you barely made it out of there alive. You crushed your own wrist and it healed in less than twenty seconds, something not at all natural, nor something we've ever seen before. Your EVA went Berserk and almost initiated another Impact right under our noses. I cannot, in light of what happened, send you back in there alone, not knowing what might happen."
"You don't get it!" Asuka screamed, earning a raised eyebrow from the former Commander. "I need to get back in there… that thing; it did something to me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even train! I have to get back in there and make it reverse whatever it did to me!"
Grimacing at the sheer loudness of the girl's voice, Ritsuko took off her glasses to massage her temples. Well, at least she's back to her screaming. That's better than the lobotomized brat we've seen parading around the Med Bay these past few days, she thought sarcastically. "As much as it pains me to say this, Asuka, there was no sign of mental contamination in your tests. Whatever Unit 02 did to you, it neither took nor gave anything. Whatever you're suffering, it was there already, all the EVA did was bring it out to the surface. Like what happened with Arael."
The pilot's hands shook; her glare became an ugly scowl. Being reminded of her mind-rape had not at all been the reason of her visit. "You weren't there, inside that thing's core. I need to get back in there, otherwise sooner or later it's gonna move by itself and blow us all to shit!" She pointed an accusatory finger at the blonde. "And it'll be on you! Now cut the crap and schedule a test for me. Today!"
Ritsuko's cold stare, along with that of the former Commander and of Shinji's precious little sister were truly annoying her, making her feel like a child demanding her favorite candy. The office was cold and crowded, filled with trash and the smell of moldy paper. The observatory window was cracked in half, making light filter through the otherwise dark environment and shine down on Ritsuko's cold green eyes.
The Commander nodded absently at her. "Fine. If you want to die so badly, I'll concede, but I want you to be clear on one thing." She pushed a button and a digital image of Unit 02 appeared on the wall. "Your EVA will not kill me; my life is in my hands. If you lose control again, I won't stop Misato from blowing up this place, along with you and your precious Shinji."
"Fine!" Asuka shot back, growing increasingly angry. "I'll show you all, I'll put a leash around that doll's neck and make you all look like idiots!" She was just about to storm out of the office in rage when Ikari's cold voice stopped her dead in her tracks.
"You have done so already," he said, staring at the little device in his hand. "No person alive has synced with an Evangelion at a level of 279% without being absorbed. Moreover." Blue eyes, very much like Shinji's and at the same time not like Shinji's at all turned to her. "Judging by the energy surges during the incident, Unit 02 was preparing to initiate a Fourth Impact." The man pushed his glasses up, nodding in her direction. "You stopped it."
"So?" Asuka said bitterly. His eyes were bothering her; they were so much like Shinji's, but cold, completely devoid of the boy's youthful gaze. They were a dark reminder of what Shinji could become, given the proper circumstances, and just thinking of it made Asuka cringe. "What difference does it make?" I almost went along with it, her mind whispered, making the anger; jealousy and shame ignite even more. I almost took its offer and killed us all, just because it was making me hurt. I almost got the wish you wanted, you cold, sick bastard.
"You have managed it once, though I do not believe you will be able to perform such a feat again," Gendou commented, nodding in Ritsuko's direction and drawing the pilot's attention back to him. "However, we have been working on a dual piloting system which may keep you from reaching dangerous levels of synchronization, thus preventing another incident."
Asuka stared back at him, shocked. "Dual piloting system?" she asked skeptically. "Does that mean there would be another person in there with me?"
"Correct." Ikari nodded again, pressing a finger down his device. The image of Unit 02 was replaced by what looked to be the schematic of a large entry plug with two seats, in front of the other. "This entry plug is a new model, one the Commander and I have designed. Theoretically, using the new neural clips we've acquired, it should be possible for you to divide the strain of the synch with a secondary pilot and create a wave of interference within the synchronization's signal. You would be in control of the Evangelion, of course. The secondary pilot's roll would only be to share the neural load, and keep the EVA's core from breaching through both your ego borders."
Scoffing at the digital image, Asuka stared unconvincingly at the Commander. "And how are you so sure this could work?"
"We're not," Ritsuko answered simply. "A few days ago, we didn't even know if your EVA was going to react, stay still or spontaneously blow up. But if you want to climb back into it, this is the only condition under which I'll take such a risk. I don't know about you, but as much as it's sucked these past few years I'm very fond of my life."
"So you're giving it two souls to snack on instead of one?" Asuka retorted. "You don't know what it's capable of, not even I know that! And who would be this so called secondary pilot, anyway? Wondergirl?"
Rei raised an eyebrow at her, but otherwise continued on her own task, whichever it was. Dread was already beginning to settle in Asuka's stomach when she reconsidered her own question. Don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't s-
"Shinji, of course," Gendou answered, adjusting his glasses again.
Despite herself, Asuka was unable to prevent her own outburst. "What?! Are you insane?! Did you not see Unit 02 trying to kill him when it went Berserk?!"
"And yet it did not," commented Rei, speaking for the first time. "Nii-san is the logical choice. Unit 02 was unable to harm him, however much it wished to do so. Also, if the Commander's theory is correct, the secondary pilot needs to be someone of confidence, someone who knows you," the crimson orbs narrowed at her. "Someone you know, someone you would not mind opening your mind to."
Wanting nothing more than to deny, deny, deny and curse at them all, Asuka felt her whole body tremble in quiet fury. "You…" she whispered. "You'd force Shinji in there, into that doll that almost ate me whole? You'd force him into an EVA, the thing he hates most in this world?"
"No," Ritsuko said again from her seat. "Shinji volunteered."
Asuka's whole body went cold. "W-what?"
"We had this same conversation with Shinji yesterday," she answered, eyes addressing her severely. "He told us he was worried sick about you, and about you climbing back into an EVA, should the need arise to use Unit 02. We explained the dual system to him, and he volunteered for the experiment."
She felt her own heart clench in pain and shame. Shinji was willing to enter Unit 02, to possibly die, if it meant he could try to help her. There she was, not speaking to him, pushing him away for his own good, doing everything in her power to keep him safe... and he went and did something stupid again. The anger which had refused to surface for days crawled back into her stomach and limbs, pushing away the tiredness and nausea, making her heart beat faster.
Asuka stormed out of the office without another word, nodding mutely at Ritsuko when she was told the test would be scheduled for that same afternoon as soon as the Geofront had been cleared. The nerve of that Baka, she thought, seething while she made her way to the Med Bay. That stupid freaking idiot, trying to get himself killed.
Before she realized it Asuka had already crossed the entire way to the Med Bay and was unconsciously walking towards the idiot's room, glaring at every person who stood in her way. Once she pushed the button and let herself in without so much as a knock and saw him sitting on the bed, reading a strange-looking file, she exploded.
"What the hell, Baka?!"
Shinji turned the page on his document, addressing her with a cold look. So he was still mad at her. "Asuka," he said, nodding in her general direction while he kept reading. "Good morning to you, too."
"Cut the crap, Shinji," she barked, ripping the document out of his hands. "What's this I hear about you volunteering?! Are you crazy?! What exactly was going through that stupid little head of yours, huh?! Are you aware that thing can kill you, steal your soul?! What the fuck were you thinking, you freaking idiot?!"
Shinji stared impassively at her for a few seconds, seemingly not at all impressed by her yelling, and had the nerve to smile at her. "It's good to see you back to your old self," he answered lightly, rousing even more annoyance out of her. On top of his apparently sunny attitude, he actually raised his finger at her to keep her from interrupting him while he spoke. "First; yes, I volunteered, nobody's forcing me to do it. Second; yeah, I probably am crazy, or so people keep telling me. Third; I was thinking that I don't feel like watching you dissolve into LCL or begin another Impact if I can do something about it. Fourth… what was the question? Oh, yeah. Yes, I'm aware it can devour my soul, I've seen it first hand, remember? And fifth, I think is the same answer as number three."
A vein started bulging in Asuka's forehead. "What the hell, Shinji?!" she shouted at last, at a loss for words. How could he be so calm about it all?
"I care about you," he said simply, not even bothering to stand from the bed, raise his tone or so much as appear disturbed by the possibility of dying in the next few hours. He looked just as tired as she felt, weary and exhausted, with dark lines under his eyes and a pale hue to his skin. "A lot," he added, smiling. "And even if you won't let me, even if try to push me away I won't stop caring about you. So the way I see it, you can either accept that and let me help you, or watch me climb in the entry plug against your will. It's all the same to me."
Almost reaching a new level of desperation and anger, one she had not reached since hospitalizing Shinji, Asuka allowed the anger to flow and relieve the heaviness on her tongue. "And what if I say I don't care about you at all, huh?!"
Shinji stared evenly at her, undeterred and unbothered. What was with the idiot today? "Then why are you reacting like that just because I volunteered to help?" he shot back calmly. Had he somehow learned how to read minds in the past few days? "Why are you still wearing the present I gave you?" He pointed at the small jewel hanging from her neck. "I'm sorry, but I don't believe you."
"Oh, screw you!" Asuka snarled, taking the small trinket in her hand. For a second, just a second, she saw Shinji's eyes widen, as if she was about to rip off the chain and throw it at his face. Eight months before she would've done exactly that, if only to get a reaction out of him; five months before she would've done it only to hurt him and relish in his pain; two months before she would've done it just to protect him against her own wrath. That day, however, she couldn't find it in herself to remove the cold, reassuring metal from her neck.
Shinji stared at her, worry now evident in his gaze. It destabilized her far more than the idiot's former cold demeanor ever would. "Asuka," he said tiredly. "Why are you so mad at me? If you don't tell me, I can't do anything to help you."
"I don't want your help!" she snarled back, dismissing how her screams could be heard all across the Med Bay. "I don't want it!"
"Then what do you want?" he asked evenly, somehow making her even madder with his apparent never-ending patience. Her teeth ground together in anguish. Can't you see I'm trying to keep you safe, you stupid freaking idiot? she thought, enraged. Why can't you just let it be and stay safe?
"I want you to stay away and leave me the hell alone!" she screamed, pointing her finger at the apparently reinstated Third Child. She didn't notice that the more she yelled, the more she circled around the bed; now only a few feet were separated her from Shinji anymore, one more step and she'd be standing next to him.
"Sorry," said Shinji, as if to anger her even more. He gave her a sad smile. "I can't do that."
"I said leave me alone!" she stomped her foot on the ground, almost crushing the foot next to hers. "Do I have to beat that into you?!" The anger was clouding her senses, making her go into attack mode again. Her right fist was raised without her even noticing, ready to strike Shinji in the face in a repeat of her old rage.
She saw the dark shadow cloud his brow when he frowned, stopping in her tracks with her fist still in the air. He finally got up from the bed, and to Asuka's surprise and shock, bent his knees and arms and calmly shifted into a loose boxing stance. Some of the warmth in his gaze dissolved, letting her see the shadow of his own rage underneath.
"Sorry," he said again, staring straight at her, through her. His eyes were cold steel, dark, blue and determined. "If that's what it takes for you tell me what's wrong, have it your way. But I'll have to defend myself if you do that. I'm your friend, not your punching bag."
Shocked and angry beyond her own senses, ashamed of what she had almost done, and utterly overwhelmed by both the lack of sleep, the nightmares and the whirlwind of emotion trying to make its way out of her chest, Asuka felt the dam break once more as salty hot tears clouded her vision. She lowered the offending fist and curled herself tight, trying to keep the tidal wave contained.
"Why are you such a freaking idiot all the time, huh?!" She tried to glare at him from beyond the tears, tried to unclench her fists and leave the room at once, but it was all futile; the poison was leaking out and she couldn't stop it. "Do you wanna know why I'm so mad at you?! Fine! I'm jealous; you got that, you stupid freaking jerk?! I'm jealous of you because all it took was for that thing to make me hurt, make me relive my fight with the EVA Series and I was ready to go along with it!"
Shinji's eyes widened and lost the dark edge she was terrified of. He lowered his stance and stared at her, bewildered. "Huh?"
"That's right!" she roared. "I almost went along with it; I was ready to let it do whatever it wanted just so the pain would stop! And you! You… you stupid jerk, you went through all the same in the worse possible moment of your life and flat out rejected it! Why are you so freaking strong all of a sudden, huh?! Why do you always have to outclass me when EVA's concerned?! Why do you keep trying to get close when I all know how to do is hurt you?!"
"I told you," Shinji answered with the same calmness that was somehow managing to sneak through her defenses, ignoring her first questions. "Because I care about you. I know you're hurting. Let me help."
"God damn it!" Asuka exclaimed, grabbing her own head in frustration. "How did you do it?! How did you come back, how did you choose to come back when your life was so shitty back then?! How were you so damn strong?!"
She would have expected anything; anger, fear, dejection, sadness... any of the emotions she was used to seeing when the subject of Third Impact was addressed, but what Shinji did next left her completely dumbfounded.
He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand hard enough to make her blink in surprise, huffing in obvious frustration. "Is that what all of this has been about?" he asked, staring at her in disbelief. "God, Asuka, why do you have to be so freaking stubborn all the time? Couldn't you have told me this in the beginning?"
"Oh, shut up!" she shot back, puffing her cheeks without realizing it. "Spill!"
Shinji shook his head, disbelief still evident on his face. "Asuka," he started as calmly as he knew how. "I didn't reject it at first, remember?" Her eyes widened again. "I didn't; I went along with it. It took Rei talking some sense into me before I understood what it all was about. It wasn't strength, it was me being an idiot and a coward."
"What do you mean?" she asked sourly, crossing her arms and pouting at him.
Shinji gave her that same sad smile he'd been giving her all morning. "I made a choice, I chose to accept Instrumentality, and then I backed out. It wasn't me being strong; it was me being a coward. I chose death, then ran away from it."
A sepulchral silence fell on both after his Shinji's statement. Asuka fidgeted under his gaze, trying to come up with something biting to say, something that would push him back and keep him safe far away from her. He was having none of it, though. He crossed the small gap between them and hugged her before Asuka could make up her mind and leave, tight enough to make Asuka feel her breathing constrict a bit.
"I know I told you so many times, but… you're not a coward," she whispered, trying to push him away and succeeding only in wrapping her own arms around his waist. "You're just an idiot."
"So you do care about me, huh?" Shinji mumbled into her hair, dragging her closer still.
Asuka looked down at her neck, where the golden chain hung and shined. "Yeah..." How was it that when he hugged her, the anger seemed to quiet down? "That's why I was pushing you away, so I wouldn't hurt you anymore, so you could be happy again."
The idiot had the audacity to laugh out loud; he unclasped the vices holding her body down and held her at arm's length, like he had done in the changing rooms. "That has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard, along with you feeling bad for almost going through with whatever that thing wanted. You told me it tortured you, right?"
"Are you calling me stupid, Baka?" she shot back, glaring at his idiot face.
He only smiled at her, that boyish smile that made him look young. "No, I'm just saying that reasoning was stupid. I told you, I don't care if you hurt me. I want to help you, and be with you. Besides." He cupped her cheek, making the tired redhead blush despite herself. "I can't even begin to imagine what it must've felt like, being in there and having to relive how you died over and over again. I don't think I could've taken it."
Shinji brought her back to his embrace, hugging her tightly. "You were strong enough to go through all that and still say no. You shouldn't feel upset for almost accepting the thing's offer, Asuka. You should be proud of yourself, because even after it tortured you, you still said no."
You're so full of crap, thought Asuka. If I hadn't heard you screaming I wouldn't have woken up. You went through worse, Baka. You saw the end of the world first hand, then came back and got tortured by both me and your dreams, and still you…you… "You're-"
"An idiot?" he provided, nudging her.
"A jerk," she said instead. "And a smartass."
She fidgeted a bit in his embrace, trying to ignore the raw need to just stay there in his arms and forget everything about synch tests or Unit 02. "Shinji, I'm not going to ask you to die with me, okay?" Her tone turned deadly serious, but she did not break the hug. She was far too comfortable, and if she was about to die in a few hours, she wanted her last memories to be pleasant. "My mother asked me to die with her after… after her incident. I'm not going to ask you to do that, ever."
"I wouldn't expect you to." Shinji allowed everything to abandon his body and mind except the feel of her warm body against his. "I'll walk next to you, even if we're walking straight to hell. You won't get rid of me so easily."
"So you're serious about this?" She hated how easily she accepted his help nowadays, how easily he could see through her anger and comfort her; how he had, at some point, grown immune to her spikes. And above all, she hated how much more secure she felt at the idea of having Shinji there, keeping her away from the horrid corpse with her own form. "You're gonna climb back into an EVA, even if there's a big chance we might die and take the world along with us?"
"For you?" he asked amusedly, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. "I'll show that EVA exactly what I think about it torturing you. I'll climb in that entry plug as many times as it takes if it means I can help you. I already sat on my ass and let you die once." His arms squeezed her tighter against his chest. "Not again. Not ever."
I missed this, Asuka mused, hugging him back with equal strength. I missed this a lot.
"Ba-ka."
December 19th, 2016. NERV Command Center. Fifth Sync Test. First Dual Sync Experiment.
Knowing full well that nobody but her, Maya and Gendou knew how to program the Dual Sync entry plug, Ritsuko had once again vacated the immediate premises as a security measure despite the numerous complaints of both her staff and the refugees around them. She watched Misato wander around the stations as she would, stalking from one to the other like the lioness she was, hoping for the best and expecting the worst.
Gendou occupied himself with his little device, the one that was apparently useless against Unit 02's influence, and readied the neural interface. On the video feed to her right Ritsuko could see both Asuka and Shinji, the redhead dressed in her new plugsuit and Shinji wearing one of his old ones, settling into the seats and putting on the neural clips. She tried to ignore the way Unit 02's head had moved upon discovering Shinji was walking down the rail along with Asuka and the way both its hands had clenched into fists; she suspected that had the Second Child not been there as well, the behemoth would have crushed the former Third Child in a heartbeat. Great, now we have a cute little demi-god who can hold grudges and initiate the end of the world. Just. Great.
Ritsuko took out her pack of gum and popped a piece in her mouth. I should've just bought a stupid cigarette, she thought with boredom. This might just be my last day on Earth, and here I am without my beloved cancer sticks. Her weary eyes traveled to Maya's station; the girl had adamantly refused to evacuate along with everyone else, arguing that it was her duty to help the kids or whatever. Even though she would not say it out loud, Ritsuko felt just a bit less pessimistic about her immediate future with her around.
"Okay, then," she said, taking a deep breath. "If something happens that we cannot stop I want you all to know-" she motioned at the few crew members around her, at Misato and Gendou, "-that you are all idiots. I can easily run this test on my own. Your presence and the risk you're taking are completely unnecessary." The crew members laughed, Maya gave her a small smile, Misato a cold smirk, and Gendou… pushed his glasses up, nodding absently.
"Now that we've cleared that last detail..." She slammed her hand on the mainframe. "Begin the experiment!"
"Hai!"
Inside the larger-than-normal entry plug, Shinji tried not to cringe when the cold, weightless liquid made its way up his neck and covered his face. He took a gulp of LCL and spat it back out, grimacing in distaste.
"Ugh," he said, shaking his head. "I'd forgotten how foul this stuff is."
From above him, Asuka fiddled with the control yokes, changed the plug's interface language to Japanese, and tried not to let worry get the better of her. She could see the mop of brown hair right under her feet, where Shinji's seat and his own personal set of controls lay, with red neural clips that greatly clashed with his blue plugsuit. He seemed way too calm about the test; not a week before he had almost been paralyzed with dread just by standing next to Unit 02, and now there he was inside the red mecha for the first time since she had basically dragged him in when Gaghiel had attacked.
"How come you're wearing that old thing?" she asked aloud in an attempt to break the tense atmosphere. After their small 'reconciliation', Shinji had marched over to the stove and quickly produced a delicious lunch for them both, overcoming his own bad streak in the kitchen and managing to cook them a filling chicken stew with fresh rice and boiled, Chinese-spiced vegetables. Well, at least I had an awesome last meal, Asuka dispassionately thought.
Shinji shrugged, looking up. "I didn't feel like wearing a red spandex suit made for a girl again." He smiled sheepishly at her. "Remember last time? I don't think 'ridiculous' is a strong enough word to describe how I looked."
Both teens burst out laughing; whether from nervousness, stress or actual humor in the boy's words, neither knew, but the metaphorical air around them seemed to disperse a little. The image of the whimpering Shinji, trying desperately to disappear behind one of the pillars on the ship where they'd met came to her mind effortlessly, helping Asuka dismiss the strange sensation of something breathing down her neck.
"Aw, come on," she retorted, snickering. "You didn't look that bad."
"Are you kidding?" Shinji turned to look at her again. "I looked like a transgender teenage prostitute!"
The last statement earned him laughs not only from Asuka, but from the nearly-deserted Command Center as well. Maya was forced to put her hands in her mouth to keep the un-ladylike chortle from blossoming into a full-blown belly-laugh, Misato smiled despite herself; even Ritsuko herself couldn't keep a tiny smirk from appearing. If that was to be their last day on Earth, they might as well enjoy it.
"Now, now, children," came Ritsuko's voice through the comm. "Let's not discuss possible teenage prostitution so early in the day. Now, Shinji. Your synch is expected to be low, so don't try too hard, keep an eye on Asuka and remember you can activate the manual ejection from your control booth. Asuka, be careful. You know how to do this better than anyone so I won't waste my time. Show whatever's in there who's boss. Good luck to you both."
"Hai, hai," Asuka answered with a bored undertone. "Thanks. If anything happens to the Baka, I want you to know I'll be blaming both you and that bastard father of his."
There were more snickers from the comm, followed by Ikari's cold voice. "Understood."
Misato's voice sprang up next. "Kids, I want you to know that there's still time to back out from this. Please. No one will look at you any differently, but please just don't do this-"
"Misato-san," Shinji calmly interrupted. "We'll be fine, don't worry. I promise we'll both be back."
"You don't know that, Shinji! Come on, Rei! Give me a hand here, will you? Talk some sense into these kids!" Asuka snickered against her will, staring at the digital image of the disgruntled Sub-Commander with something akin to fondness.
"Stop being so dramatic, Katsuragi. Just wish us luck and be done with it." Shinji gave her a sour look, as if saying 'that was too rude', but she shrugged, absently scratching her cheek. She had never been all that mushy with Misato to begin with, so she wasn't about to start pretending to be just because they might die.
"I want you to know that I love you, okay? Both of you, a lot. Please come back, please don't force me to… please don't force me to push that button, okay? I love you, I love you both, take care in there. Good luck."
"We love you too, Misato-san," Shinji answered, blushing. "We'll be right back."
"I love you both! Come back to me, okay!?"
"Hai, hai!" Asuka answered again, annoyed. "Let's get this started so I can go have a decent dinner, for once! I've been eating bland food for the past three days!"
"Hey! You never said anything, how was I supposed to know it was bland?" Shinji countered.
"Don't you cook by taste, Baka? Or did you suddenly lose your touch?" The crew began to laugh again; even the Bastard King sported a minuscule, almost imperceptible smirk.
"I had a bad streak, so what? Just you wait until dinner; you'll eat those words along with the food!"
"Oh yeah? We'll just see about that, Baka!"
In the Command Center, Misato gave Ritsuko her most apathetic look, looking as unconvinced as Ritsuko had ever seen her. "You really think this dual thingy is gonna work with those two?"
Ritsuko shrugged and glared at the numbers on the screen, ignoring everything but the synch rates and the digital feed of the interference signal. "It's supposed to create interference between the main pilot and the Core, so yeah, it should work. I designed it, after all. If it doesn't work, I'll buy us the first round when we get to hell."
Misato paled, but nodded with grim determination. "I'll hold you to that. All right, then, let's do this."
"Begin third phase! Initiate dual synchronization!"
"Roger!"
A shower of color washed over the entry plug.
In his mind, Shinji felt as if someone was systematically raining down weak punches at his brain during the first seconds of the sync. The LCL around him turned icy cold, and his breathing constricted just a little; not at all what he had been accustomed to feeling once he climbed into an EVA. The message was clear; he was not wanted there. Yet the fists felt weak, a child's tiny hands gently hitting the top of his head, nothing close to what he had expected to receive. He had suffered his own little personal episode of absolute panic once the time to put on the plugsuit had arrived. The many memories and visions of the battles against the Angels and Third Impact had immobilized him for a solid minute, until he had managed to smack himself in the head and force stiff, uncooperative limbs to move.
There was no backing out anymore. Soon enough the sensation lessened enough for Shinji to open his eyes and watch the cage around him. It felt completely different from piloting his Unit 01; he could feel the cage around him, could see the Bakelite surrounding Unit 02, but there was close to no sensation of the EVA's body. And yet he could feel the synch with the core, could feel whatever presence was within prodding around his brain, trying to pry open his mind while not letting him in at all. The strangest thing however was that he was hyper aware of Asuka's body above, from the pulse in her chest to the intakes of air of her own rib cage, almost right down to her mind. It felt more like he were synching with her instead of the EVA.
"Okay," he said to the comm. "Umm… this feels weird."
"Yeah, how come I can feel the Baka's heartbeat and stuff? This is some weird crap. Are we actually synched with the EVA at all?" Asuka added, looking just as surprised as he felt. He could feel her surprise, which itself only worked to worry him out all the more.
"Yeah, this is officially freaking me out."
"Relax, brats," came the Commander's voice from the comm, eliciting a small jump from them both. "Of course it's working, I was directly involved with the design, remember?" Asuka huffed in derision and frowned at the woman's voice. As if the blonde bitch could ever compare to her mother's intellect; the thing was probably biding its time, waiting to eat them both in one gulp.
"Whatever, Commander. Mind telling how we're doing synch rate wise?" Asuka answered. The feel of the EVA's body around her, of the S2 core and the power behind it were all there as well, but she felt and could almost glimpse Shinji's mind if she focused hard enough, which itself felt like a second body at her command. The rancid breath around her neck was there, but felt muffled, interrupted.
"Right now you're at 168%, very good. Shinji… you.."
"I suck?" the recently reinstated Third Child interrupted. When Ritsuko's digital image nodded at him, he simply shrugged. "I assumed as much, I can barely feel the EVA at all."
"You're at 39%. Relax, you're not supposed to be able to feel or move Unit 02. The interference signal is working, the core's been trying to block the MAGI again and it can't gain access yet. Everything is going according to plan, more or less."
Next to Shinji's face, there was a small screen depicting both their synch rates; if the small manual Ritsuko had given him was correct, he was supposed to monitor Asuka's synch and make sure she didn't exceed the 250% mark. "Okay, so I guess… it's working?"
"Well," said Asuka from above him. "We haven't been eaten just yet, and I can't feel that thing trying to touch me anymore, so I guess we're good. I'm gonna try to go deeper, okay? Watch out for me, Baka."
"Roger that, mein Führer." Shinji answered playfully, giving her a nervous smile. "Be careful, okay?"
"Sure."
"All right Asuka, we're ready when you are. All systems green, your synch just rose to 185%, be careful." said Misato with concern leaking into her voice. Asuka nodded, closed her eyes, and dug deep within the synch. Before she searched for the core, however; her curiosity got the better of her and she focused on Shinji's body nearby instead. She felt his concern for her first, strong and clear enough to feel like it came from her, then something very warm that made her feel fuzzy and strange, but beneath the warmth… something different. Cold, dangerous, dark. Pain. Red.
A pair of crimson eyes shined in the darkness, growling. The smell of rotting flesh, screams, so many screams, red, strong and horrible. It pushed her out of Shinji's mind, making Asuka flinch.
"You okay there, Asuka?" he asked from under her, turning in her direction. "Your synch just went down to 155% in one go."
Asuka shook her head in an effort to clear it of the irksome sensation, and tried to forget the dark presence she had felt inside Shinji's chest. "I'm fine, just trying something," she answered. Regardless of whatever was roaming about in Shinji's mind, crawling in his rib cage and denying her entrance, Asuka realized that if she focused on him instead of the core's signal, she would be able to sever the connection with the thing whenever it was necessary or, at the very least, synch with him and communicate in some way. "Okay, here I go." This time, she focused on the core; it felt inviting again, warm and welcoming, and she could also sense an aura of… regret?
Asuka took a deep breath and walked right into the core's warm embrace.
When she next scanned her surroundings, Asuka saw the lush green trees of the Black Forest and felt the humid breeze around her, welcoming her like an old friend. In the middle of the clearing sitting on top of a small rock formation, sat the doppelganger dressed in her old plugsuit. It looked solemn, sad, annoyed, and it upset Asuka how easily she could recognize those emotions as if they were her own. They radiated off the thing, making Asuka see through the charade instantly. It was trying to lure her, to make her lower her guard so it could enter her again and gain control of her body by projecting the emotions directly through the synch.
Asuka shook off the feeling of the thing's presence on the back of her neck, focusing on Shinji's pulse inside the entry plug. The strategy worked, the breathing stopped and she was able to walk straight to the rock formation without so much as a cold finger wrapping around her.
"Why did you bring him here?" demanded the doppelganger, sulking at her. "He doesn't belong here, he's not welcome." The sulk quickly became a glare. "Get him out!"
"Not a chance," Asuka answered, glaring right back at it. "He's here so you don't get to put your disgusting hands on me, you stupid doll."
The doppelganger's face contorted though many emotions at once; first anger, then unbridled rage, followed by sadness and regret, to ultimately settle back on the initial sulkiness. It made Asuka realize just how unstable the thing was, just how much like a child it behaved. It climbed down from the rocks, holding its left hand close to its body.
"I would never hurt you, Asuka-chan," it told her, speaking with her voice. "I'm you. I was just reminding you so you don't forget."
"Fuck you," Asuka shot back. "You tortured me. You made me remember getting mangled to death over and over until I was almost going insane, and then you offered to mix your twisted little soul with mine, doll. I don't buy your act." The feeling of Shinji's pulse drew a bit farther away as she dug deeper in the sync; she wanted to find the agony hiding beneath the apparent warmth, the coldness inside the thing, so she could determine how, exactly, it had managed to stir up the nightmares in the first place.
"Don't be like that!" it cried, looking increasingly sadder. "I was just reminding you how they hurt us!"
"Because you knew I was happy!" Asuka exploded in rage. This thing... because of it she had almost thrown Shinji away, thrown everything away. The rage which for so many days had evaded Asuka returned with a vengeance, washing away the thing's initial influence on her. "You knew I was happy and you ripped it away from me! You couldn't stand seeing me happy with the life I had, so you made me miserable, you gave me nightmares, you almost killed me!"
"I was just trying to protect you, Asuka-chan!" the thing snapped, holding its left wrist close to its chest. "This world is so ugly! It hurts! I can give you a world where it doesn't hurt! Don't you want that?"
"No!" Asuka shouted. "I don't care if this world is a shit-hole, I don't care if it hurts most of the time! It's the real world and it's where I want to live! Either respect that or we're done here!"
"No!" it screamed, desperate. The wind turned deadly cold, the trees began moving violently. "Don't go! Don't you dare leave me alone again! You hurt me too!"
Asuka lifted a disbelieving eyebrow at it. "I hurt you?! Are you kidding me?!"
Raising its left wrist to her, the thing sulked at her like a small child. "Yes you did! You hurt my wrist! It hurt!"
"You were trying to squash Shinji and turn humanity into yellow soup!" For a fleeting second, Asuka felt like she was reprimanding her own daughter, or herself. It felt strange enough to make her shiver. "What the hell was I supposed to do, just leave you to kill everyone in a hissy fit!?"
"Shinji did it!" the thing accused, pointing at her. "You told him so yourself for months, remember?!" After the words left its mouth, the doppelganger apparently realized it had crossed a line, slapping a hand over its mouth. Asuka suppressed the instinct to hit it in the face and leave, knowing if she left at that moment the nightmares would stay with her and nothing would change, so she swallowed down the spite and tried to make her voice as flat as possible.
"Shinji was manipulated by his father since the moment his crazy mother died, just so he would lose his mind at the right time," Asuka answered coldly; she wanted nothing more than to wrap her hands around the thing's neck again, to hit it until there was no strength left in her body, but retaliation would have to wait. "And even after all that he rejected Instrumentality and came back to this world, to the real world. You're not me. You don't care about me at all. You just want to use me to get your godhood, that's all."
"No!" it shook its head in denial, hair flying everywhere. I love you, Asuka-chan! You shared your soul with me! I just wanted to remind you with the dreams, that's all! I didn't want you to hurt, just to remind you!"
"Do you think I need to be reminded of that, you stupid doll?!" Asuka angrily replied. She could faintly feel the hands of the thing all around her, trying to gain entrance, but now there was interference keeping them at arm's length. "I already have those nightmares on a daily basis, stupid! You just made them worse so I would go crazy, fall in another downward spiral and accept your little offer the next time I had to fight! I'm not an idiot, I saw through your game from the beginning!"
The thing had the decency to look insulted and cornered, like she had been caught stealing in a store. The hands were prodding deeper; the cold touch beginning to bother her, but Asuka did not relent or give in to its influence. It whispered promises in her ear and allowed her to feel the immense power of the core beating in its center, as if to lure in.
A second after its charade had been discovered, the thing's eyes turned deadly cold. "I didn't want to have to do this again, but you're forcing me to, Asuka-chan."
The hands finally made their way to her sense of self; she was engulfed in the freezing sensation she remembered and soon enough the pain from her eye exploded with a vengeance. She screamed loud and deep, grabbing her forehead out of sheer habit, and despite her best efforts to try and reach Shinji's presence, he had been cut off completely the moment the cold hands had begun touching her. The bright sky around them shined even stronger, the wind shook harder. From the core's depth, a growl swallowed up the warmth.
"Did you really think some bland program Akagi concocted was going to keep me from you, Asuka-chan?" The arm came next, being sliced in one fluid motion along with the bone, forcing Asuka to her knees. "Come on! I was created by the great Sohryu Kyoko Zeppelin, now stop being so stubborn and become one with me already! I want to be God, I wanna! I wanna make it stop hurting! Become one with me!" The agony expanded to her stomach, her legs, her arms, driving her to wither on the floor again.
Asuka focused all her remaining strength in searching for the faint presence in the entry plug, barely being able to discern the fading heartbeat in between the agony, and threw all she had into one single scream.
"Do something already, Baka-Shinji!"
"He can't do anything! I'm basically a God, don't you know that already?! Even if I can't kill him, I can keep him aw-"
"It would be in your best interests to let her go. Right now."
The thing spun around, surprised and shocked, eyes widening when they focused on the figure walking in their direction. He was wearing his plugsuit, moving towards the clearing with a frown on his face and his fists clenched. Behind Shinji a great shadow lurked and darkened the trees, crimson eyes shining in malice.
The thing snarled at him. "Why are you here?! And why can't I hut you?! What are you doing to me!? Why can't I feel all of Asuka-chan?!"
Shinji ignored it and helped Asuka to her feet, putting her arm around his shoulders to lift her to a standing position. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. She was still withering, a pained expression on her face while tremors rocked her body, but Asuka managed to open her left eye and nod.
The feel of Shinji's shoulders around her arm shook off the sensation of the cold hands prodding around her soul, but the pain was still coursing through her in smaller doses, growing fainter and fainter. "B-Baka," she panted, giving him a pained look that was supposed to be annoyed. "Y-You're… not supposed to be synching this deep."
"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I just heard you screaming at me to do something, so I did."
"Stop ignoring me!" The thing screamed in anger, sounding like a spoiled child. "Why can't I hurt you?! You're in me! You're supposed to be mine if I want to right now! Why can't I touch your soul?! Why can't I hurt you?!"
"Because I never hated Shinji back then," Asuka panted, holding onto Shinji for support. She glared wearily at the thing, rejoicing in not feeling its touch on her body anymore. The feel of Shinji's synch filled her senses instead, holding Asuka steady and managing to keep the core's influence away for the time being. "You said it yourself, right? You were born when I mixed my soul with yours and Mama's during our fight. I didn't hate Shinji back then. I hated the way I felt when I was around him, because we were a lot alike. And since I didn't hate him, since I don't hate him, you can't hurt him."
"Arrrg!" The thing stomped her foot on the grass, making the entire ground shake. "It's not fair! I just want to be God! I want it to stop hurting! I want to be God so we won't hurt anymore, Asuka-chan! I just want to make the pain go away!"
"You're in pain," Shinji told it quietly; he wasn't asking, sounding convinced. He stared evenly at the doppelganger, and through the synch Asuka felt his calmness along with… pity? It felt like he pitied the thing who had tortured her. How could be so calm at a time like this? "Aren't you?" he added.
"I've always been in pain!" The thing stomped its foot again and again, shedding tears through its uncovered eye. "Ever since Mama made me, it always hurts! They cut me, they open me up, they use me, they hit me and make me hurt! It always hurts!"
"And you think bringing another Impact will take the pain away?" Shinji asked. The redhead in his arms was slowly regaining her strength, her legs were less wobbly and the pain had almost disappeared completely, but the weariness of the last week had taken its toll on her. She felt weak, and knew deep within that had Shinji not been there, she would have already been absorbed.
"Yes!" the doppelganger screamed, utterly convinced in its own reasoning. "I don't want to hurt anymore! I don't want Asuka-chan to hurt anymore! I want to become one with her so we won't hurt! When we're together with everyone else then there won't be any pain anymore, can't you see?!"
"Liar," Shinji said quietly, looking at the ground. Through the sync, Asuka felt sadness in her own chest, regret coming off him in waves, along with the stirring in his rib cage, the clawing. Something was clawing against his mind, she could feel it, could almost hear it; clawing and demanding to be released. "You just want everyone else to hurt as much as you do, don't you?"
The other Asuka's eye widened in surprise. The bandages around the eye-patch fell off her face.
Shinji smiled sadly at the grass under his feet. "I know how that feels; I felt like that during Third Impact. I wanted everyone to hurt as much as me. If nobody would accept my existence, then everyone would feel my pain, so I took what Lilith was offering and stopped caring." He looked at the redhead in his arms, glad to see sense and reason in her weary eyes, and turned back to the figure using Asuka's form. "But what you're looking for, it won't make you happy, I can promise you that."
"How would you know?!" the thing screamed in rage. The bandages around its arm came undone and fell on the grass, dissolving into LCL. "You don't know anything! You don't do anything! You're just a perverted idiot! I want to be God! How could an idiot like you possibly understand me?! How could someone like you ever hope to understand anybody?!"
Asuka nodded at him, standing on her own feet. She rose to stare at the thing with cold apathy. "Because we're a lot alike," she answered for him. "And if I had been in his place, I would've probably done the same thing."
"Nonsense!" It expanded its presence around them both, trying to engulf them and break through their ego barrier, but both teens firmly held hands, focused on their own synch and stopped the dead hands from touching them. "Why can't you just join me?! I want to be God with you; I'll make you both God along with me if that's what it takes! Just do it! Become one with me so the pain will go away!"
Shinji eyed the thing with sorrow, emitting the same sadness and pity Asuka had felt since he had arrived. Something… opened inside him, pushing Asuka's awareness out of his mind once more. Rancid, the smell of rotting corpses, the feel of cold, dead hands; it all sprung off his chest and flowed faintly through the sync. "You really want to know what something like that will bring?" he asked, turning serious."You say it will bring Asuka happiness, but you don't know that."
"Of course I do!" It retorted, making the ground shake one more time. "What do you know, anyway?! You're just an idiot and a coward!"
Shinji sighed in defeat. He gave Asuka's hand a squeeze, turning her blue eyes to him. "Don't look behind you, okay?" he said, sounding strangely firm. Asuka nodded absently and glared at the thing's crimson eyes, which to her surprise were opened wide as saucers, wide with something she knew too well: fear. It was suddenly very afraid of whatever had just crawled out of Shinji's chest.
Behind the teens, the Black Forest slowly withered and dried up, consumed by a tidal wave of crimson. The bright blue sky which once illuminated the clearing darkened with angry clouds that shined with a dark red underneath, originating from the shadow at Shinji's feet. The ground shook again, and again, and again. Asuka watched the thing's eyes grow wide in horror as the grime-covered visage of Unit 01 slowly made its way to them, drying and setting fire to the trees and forest around it as it walked. The armor was gone except for the mask and the horn; it dripped blood and gore from its every limb, eyes shining a vibrant red and rancid breath visible in the chilly air. Behind it, the tidal wave dragged parts of human bodies, bones, organs and floating heads that stuck to the burnt surface of the trees and stained the grass.
The more it neared the three figures standing by the rocks, the more the EVA seemed to shrink with every step, arms and flesh rotting and falling off. Once it reached the clearing the remaining armor and grime washed away in a blood-soaked wave, revealing Shinji, or something with his form, dressed in one of his old school uniforms. The clone's left arm dripped blood from a cut near the elbow, and its eyes were the exact tone of bright red as Asuka's doppelganger, who remained paralyzed in fear next to the rock she had been sitting on.
"So you want to become God?" it asked, standing next to her and Shinji. It bowed its head in Asuka's direction and gave her a small smirk. Her eyes widened; those had been the crimson eyes that had pushed her out of Shinji's mind. "Sorry," it told her using Shinji's voice, albeit a bit deeper. It motioned at him with its thumb. "There are things in his mind you should never see." It turned to her doppelganger, smiling cruelly. "But you want to, don't you?"
In a quick motion, he grabbed Asuka's lookalike by the hair and forced it to look straight into his eyes. "Well then, let me show you!"
The sound of three billion souls screaming at the same time rendered the doppelganger deaf, her eyes widened even more and she started to struggle against the Beast's hold. The images came next; watching Asuka being dismembered from a hundred different angles, watching the death of every person in NERV, of every person in the world. The feeling of three billion people entering her body at once, reading her soul and ripping it apart, dissolving it into a nothingness were there was no happiness, no pain, nothing at all. A Void. Endless and dark, filled with formless shadows and blood dripping everywhere, where the pain and suffering festered but did not manifest, where the anger boiled and burst. The home of the Beast. The pain came next, the pain and agony of three billion humans washing over her and suffocating her own sense of self.
The entity within Unit 02, the awareness that called itself Sohryu Asuka Langley, turned its head to the skies and screamed.
The command center was quiet as a grave, a pencil could have dropped and produced more noise than the occupants' rapid breathing. The only words spoken were to monitor the pilots synch rates and measure their pulses, along with the measuring of the neural synch between them both. Everybody expected the worst, expected Misato's order to make everything around them explode in a fiery inferno and attempt to stop another major cataclysm from taking its toll on humanity.
"How's the interference between the pilots' synch and the core?" Ritsuko demanded, already knowing the answer. The silence was bothering her just as much as the EVA's inaction. It had activated, eyes shining green, and stayed silent while both Shinji and Asuka closed their eyes and drifted deeper into the sync.
"Holding steady, Commander," said Maya while she read the synch rates. "Asuka is at 205%, holding steady. She rose up to 256% but is back to normal. Shinji's… oh."
"What!?" Misato asked, running to her station. The last thing she wanted was to be responsible for Shinji's death with a live Asuka to reprimand her for it, knowing well Asuka would probably murder her along with everyone in the Command Center if something happened to him.
"Shinji's synch rate is at 93% and rising." Misato gave Ritsuko a wary look.
"It's okay," Ritsuko said, trying to keep the strained calmness in the room from turning into chaos. "The interference is stable; they're both interacting with the core right now. Give it a second."
"Are the N2 bombs armed?" Misato demanded of Ikari. The bearded man nodded grimly and typed the activation sequence in his remote.
"Armed and ready," he reported.
Ritsuko's next words died in her throat when a groaning sound emanated from the speakers. The crew watched in silent horror as the EVA, whose eyes had only been shining green but remained unmoved, twitched violently and broke the restraints on its shoulder straps again, jerking its head from side to side in something that seemed like pain or agony. The eyes shined green, then crimson, then green again, as if both colors were fighting for control within the behemoth's core. The mask cracked and broke, and Unit 02 roared at the skies, cracking the glass of the observation window.
Unlike before, the roar sounded strained and painful, not lasting more than five seconds. Afterwards, the Eva's jaws snapped shut, and the eyes returned to their normal green. Unit 02 stopped struggling against its restraints.
"STOP!" the thing cried, struggling in vain against the Beast's grip. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Let me go, damn you!"
"You wanted to know, didn't you?!" the Beast growled back, eyes shining in the darkness. "You were torturing Asuka to become a god, weren't you? Well, I'm just giving you what you want! See for yourself; see how it feels to be God for only a second!"
The doppelganger's screams died down, its arms ceased their struggle against the Beast's grip. It stared right into the other Shinji's eyes in quiet horror, unable to move, unable to reach out for its power beneath the core. The rage, the grief, the pain, they coursed through it and rendered the entity motionless, not unlike what it had done to Asuka.
Once it felt the message had been delivered, the Beast let go of the doppelganger's head and watched in quiet apathy as it fell to its knees, a shocked expression on its face. It wiped its hands and pocketed them in its pants, looking bored. "There," the Beast muttered absently, turning to walk away. "Now that you know how it feels, choose for yourself if you still want it or not, just remember…"
Asuka watched, naked shock evident in her eyes, when the Beast glared down at her doppelganger and made it flinch with its mere presence. It clicked in her brain. This was it, this was the side of Shinji able to grind her every instinct to a halt, and since the doppelganger had been born out of her soul mixing with her mother's and the thing's at the moment of her death, it had inherited the same fear. Just like her, it was afraid of that dark side of Shinji. Very afraid.
The Beast's eyes widened, a sadistic smile she had only once seen on Shinji's face appeared on its lips. "If you try to hurt her again, I'll be coming to pay you another visit, now be a good little doll and behave, won't you?"
"W-What…" the doppelganger began shakily. "What are you?"
The Beast laughed with Shinji's voice, but it was not a laugh she had ever heard from the boy himself. Asuka turned to look at Shinji and saw his head bowed, eyes staring irritatedly at his own clone. He seemed to know and be familiar with it, something Asuka would have to ask about at some point, but otherwise remained quiet so long as the threatening presence was around them.
"Who, me?" The Beast asked, barking another laugh. "Well, you could say I'm the result of this wimp's inability to process his own stupid anger and self-loathing. You could say I'm what was born on the day our mother died and our father left us like a bag of rotten tomatoes at that train station. You could say I'm what survived from Unit 01's own core when this idiot began Third Impact. You could say I'm… God, or at least I was for a second." Its head turned towards Asuka, letting her see the insanity and endless rage in its eyes. "You could say I'm the end result of the unholy union between Adam and Lilith, you could say I'm rage, anger and hate personified, but if you really want to know, I'll tell you."
The Beast turned to them all, bowing deeply with a sick little smile on its face. "Ikari Shinji, at your service. It is a pleasure to have met your acquaintance in person, Sohryu-san." As it lifted its head, the Beast's body began to fade away, turning into dust and washing away with the wind, taking the red, the bloodshed and the screams along with it.
Soon enough the sun was back in the sky, shining down on the three of them. Shinji remained quiet, impassive, holding onto Asuka's hand with his head bowed and something akin to embarrassment leaking off him. He did not move until every last part of his clone had disappeared with the wind, sighing in relief once the smell of rotting flesh had dispersed.
"Sorry you had to see that," he whispered to her. "But it needed to be done. There's nothing good that comes out of an Impact."
"What was that?" Asuka asked in return. The feeling of cold fingers around her had stopped a while ago; she could almost feel the entity before them wilt in agony due to whatever Shinji's clone had shown her. "It looked just like you."
"I call him… the Beast." Shinji stared at the fallen Asuka doppelganger. It was crying quietly to itself with its knees hugged to its chest. Misery permeated the entire area around them. "He's a part of me, a part I'm better off not showing to anyone. He… was born after Third Impact- no, that's not right, he's always been there, ever since Mother died. Third Impact and Unit 01 just gave him a shape."
"What did it show her?" Asuka wondered, directing her own stare to the fallen figure on the grass.
"How it feels," Shinji whispered, releasing his hold on her hand. To Asuka's surprise, he slowly approached the doppelganger. "Being in the center of an Impact, being… God or whatever." He placed a hand on the cold thing's shoulder, making it flinch. "I'm sorry you had to see that, but you were hurting Asuka," His eyes turned stern, cold, but his voice remained calm. "You can't have her."
Asuka stared in shock at Shinji's back while he crouched next to the doppelganger. Those… those had been the exact same words he had spoken in her recurring nightmare with Unit 02. How… how had he known? Was it because of their dual synch?
"I hate you…" it mumbled, almost incoherently. "Why did you show me that horrible thing? Why did you make me hurt so much? I hate being hurt! I hate you!"
"We all hate pain," Shinji answered quietly, squeezing its shoulder reassuringly. "But pain is part of life; you can't run away from it. I learned that the hard way, and now I'm just trying to keep you from walking through that ugly path."
The figure turned its teary eyes to him, pouting in the same way Asuka used to when she was annoyed at him. "Why would you even care if I hurt? Why would you want to help me?"
"There's a part of Asuka in you," Shinji responded simply, giving it a sad smile. "I can feel it, in the sync. If there's a part of her in you, then I'll care about you, because I care about her, about every side of her."
Asuka did not know if she could blush in there, within the core, yet she still felt the heat rise on her face upon hearing Shinji's statement. Finally able to move on her own and feeling more in control of their surroundings with every passing second, Asuka walked over to stand next to Shinji, glaring down at the thing who had taken her features.
"Take the nightmares away," she said coldly, fists clenched. "Take them away and let us out, and maybe I'll forgive you for everything you almost did."
The thing's lip trembled pathetically, looking more dejected by the second. "But… but if I let you out then what good am I? Now-" It sniffled, "-now that I know how it feels, what do I do? What reason is there for me to exist?"
Shinji stood and took of a hold of her hand again, tugging in his direction. When she saw him, Asuka realized just how weary he was, just how much it had cost him to reach her in the core. Above all, though, Asuka saw something shine in his eyes, something she knew well. Empathy.
He somehow understood the doll, the doppelganger that used her name and face.
Asuka made up her mind, nodding at him, and extended her hand to the thing.
"Fight with me," she said. The doppelganger turned its surprised gaze to her outstretched hand. "Fight with us," she clarified, squeezing Shinji's hand. "Fight with us to protect this world, to protect each other, to protect our family. Mother designed you to protect me, so protect me."
"If I take the dreams away you'll abandon me," the figure argued, staring at Shinji with contempt. "You'll go with him and forget all about me, and I'll be alone forever."
"If your plan was to draw Asuka close to you with pain and torture, well…" Shinji interjected, shrugging. "That wasn't a very good plan. Why don't you come with us?" He extended his own free hand, sad smile still on his face. "We can fight, all of us. Help me protect Asuka, and maybe then we can all discover your true purpose. Together."
Unmoved by Shinji's kindness, Asuka kept her scowl directed at the thing. "Take the nightmares away. Let me be, and fight with me. That is, if you really are Sohryu Asuka Langley."
"Do you promise not to abandon me?" it asked them both. "Mama left us; she ran away from me and left me all alone. I don't like being alone. Do you promise to come see me, and be with me?"
Asuka gave her clone a cold smirk. "If you promise to stop trying to squash Shinji whenever you get the chance, if you promise you won't ever touch my soul again without permission, if you take these dreams away, if you stop craving godhood with your every breath, then sure. I promise. I'll synch with you at the very least once a week, I'll even bring the Baka with me and we can talk here." Asuka motioned with her extended hand. "We can get to know each other, it's your choice. You said you could choose now, so choose."
The doppelganger looked lost in thought for a second, before its former sadness disappeared in a flash and it smiled at them both with Asuka's carefree, young expression. "Okay!" it yelped, taking both their hands while it rose to its feet with their help. The touch was no longer cold; it didn't feel like a corpse anymore. Instead it felt warm, inviting, and friendly. Her old friend, her Unit 02, was back. "I promise! I'll fight with you! I'll protect Asuka-chan and Baka-Shinji! I'll be good, but you have to promise you won't abandon me!"
The teens exchanged a knowing look and nodded, tightening their mutual grip on Unit 02's hands. "Promise," both said at the same time, reminiscent of their synch training for the Seventh Angel. The power surged through them both, with not a single remaining sensation of the cold, dead fingers digging into their soul. The sun shined brightly on the three of them, and the gentle breeze caressed their skin.
Asuka smirked confidently once more, an expression she had not shown in more than a week, when she felt Unit 02 gently dig deep into her soul and retrieve the distortion which had caused her nightmares to turn vivid again. She looked over to Shinji, smirk widening. "You ready for this, Baka?"
Shinji gave her his own version of a confident smile. "Ready when you are, Asuka."
"Are you ready, Asuka 2.0?" she asked her doppelganger.
"Yeah!" it exclaimed, hands holding them both tightening. Asuka turned to the skies, feeling the faint caress of her mother's hand around her cheek one last time.
Are you proud of me, Mama?
"All together now!" she screamed, rising their joined hands to the blue sky and the sun.
"Evangelion Unit 02, activated!"
"Evangelion Unit 02, activated!"
The EVA's head jerked up again, surprising the few people within the command center. The digital schemata of the synch stabilized, shining bright green, just like Unit 02's eyes, the screens turned back to normal, the interference signal went back to normal and the struggling against the restraints stopped completely. What truly quelled the raging nerves of the people within the Command Center was, however, when the entry plug's video feed came back online and the smiling faces of both pilots jumped into view.
"Evangelion Unit 02, activated!" the teens shouted at the same, making Misato jump from her perch behind Maya. The numbers did not lie, as they never did; the dual synch was stable, and there was no sign of mental contamination. Asuka's synch rate was at 152%, with Shinji's reaching 70%, both stabilizing the second the video feed had come back online.
"Son of a bitch," Ritsuko whispered, snorting in amusement. "The brats actually pulled it off."
"Pilots' vitals are stable!" reported Maya with enthusiasm, smiling in Misato's direction. "Both of them are fine! No sign of mental contamination, no sign of interference from the core!"
Gendou's thumb retreated from the red button on his device, and gave Rei a small smirk. "You were correct," he stated, glasses shining under the light. "They are stronger together."
Rei smirked right back at him, an expression she had learned purely from him. "Of course," she answered, nodding at the teens' image. "One does not go through something like Third Impact without learning anything, however long it might take one to realize."
Misato visibly deflated and managed to fall back on a chair instead of the floor this time. "Kids," she said through the comm. "I swear to you, I'm getting too old for this shit."
"So you do admit you're getting old," Asuka answered snarkily, earning a small chorus of laughter from the crew and an annoyed glare from Shinji.
Despite the insult, Misato couldn't help but smile at the girl's sharp tongue. Her Asuka was back, her Shinji was safe, so all was once again right with the world. "You know, I'll let that one slide today, just for today. Ready to get out of there, kids? I'm starving!"
"Ready when you are, Misato-san," Shinji answered and gave her a wide smile. "I owe a certain someone a very tasty dinner, after all."
"You're damn right you owe me, Baka! You've been feeding me bland, tasteless hospital crap for days!"
"You know how to cook!" Shinji shot back. "I didn't see anyone stopping you from walking into the kitchen! If you didn't like my food you could've just told me so or cooked for yourself for a change!"
"Aw, come on! You're our little twisted family's designated chef! It's your duty to keep me well fed and provided! Or maybe you're just ashamed because you lost your touch, huh, Baka?"
"I lost my touch?!" Even without the video, the whole crew could distinctly hear the outrage in Shinji's tone. "I had a bad streak, that's all! I didn't see you complaining over lunch today! As a matter of fact, you ate almost everything I cooked!"
"I thought it'd be my last meal, Baka!" Asuka shot back.
Maya stopped trying to hold it in and started laughing out loud, tears of relief falling from her cheeks. They had survived one more day, Shinji and Asuka had somehow managed to come to terms with whatever entity roamed in Unit 02's core. Asuka's smart mouth was back, so was Shinji's proficiency in the kitchen.
"Excuses!" Shinji retaliated. "Excuses and nothing but excuses! I saw your face at lunch, you were this close to licking the plate!"
"Oh, shut up! How would you know that?!"
"I was there! Are you serious right now? You know I can feel I'm right through the sync, don't you?"
"So can you feel me calling you an idiot right now, Baka?"
"Yes, yes I can! And I can hear you; I'm literally sitting three feet away from you! Maybe the idiot won't cook you dinner anymore if you keep telling me my food sucks!"
"But it did suck these pasts few days! Can't you feel how much it sucked through the synch?! Besides, you told me you'd make me eat my words along with dinner! Are you backing out of the bet, Baka?"
"Yes I can! And… and! Arrg, Misato-san, get me out of here so I can show this woman the meaning of 'eating your own words', please!"
Soon enough the teens were released from the entry plug, happy smiles on both their faces for the first time in a week, chatting amiably -or in Asuka's case not screaming so much- and heading for the showers. Misato watched the video feed with a shaky smile, not a single care given to the tears falling down her face. Her kids were back. They would fight, they would break apart; such was the nature of human relationships. Yet seeing the two teens share a brief hug, blush and fidget with each other like a regular young couple, even for a few precious seconds, felt like a breath of fresh air for her heart. Maybe all was not lost.
"Ritsu," she said, almost unable to stop the flow of tears. "What was that phrase we were talking about the other day?"
"Avarnaniya Atma bandhana," Ritsuko answered, sprawling over Maya again and earning a surprised shriek from the girl. "Hindi for indescribable bond with another soul."
After washing away the disgusting stench of LCL and marching to the dining area, Asuka was, partly at least, forced to eat her words. Shinji, being a boy, had been done with his own shower about ten minutes before her, and had apparently invaded the kitchen again where he had somehow managed to create a fine, delicious-tasting meal with little more than fish, rice, and some curry sauce Asuka wasn't too sure was actual curry yet tasted amazing, along with a healthy side of fresh bread and home-made strawberry jam. She had wolfed down the food and ignored Shinji's smug little face while doing so, sticking her tongue out at him every now and then and relishing in the lack of rage and jealousy inside her chest.
Just as they were heading back to the room, their room, exhaustion began to truly set in on Shinji's face. Synching with Unit 02 had taken a great toll on his body and mind, moreover, the lack of sleep and excess of training had left him almost shaking like a leaf as they headed back. Once safely inside, Asuka decided that no matter how ugly their relapses might get in the near or distant future, she would not leave the comfort of their room, wherever they happened to be at the time. She had foolishly believed that pulling away from Shinji was the logical solution for keeping him out of harm's way, but apparently when she or any of the members of their stupid little family was concerned, he could be just as stubborn as her.
He cared about her enough to work through whatever pain she caused him.
For that same reason, as Shinji was nearing the bed after changing into a pair of loose shorts and one of his white undershirts, Asuka aimed with caution, remembering his ribs were still just a little sore and his left wrist was damaged, and pounced. She tackled him as gently as possible, dragging them both to the mattress in a mess of tangled limbs. Shinji lost his balance, being so close to the bed and all, shocked still when Asuka's warm body pressed against him with enough momentum to make him scream out in surprise. "What the he- aaah!"
Asuka smiled from her place over him, hands flat on his chest. "Hi!" she said directly in Shinji's face, giving him that carefree smile she knew he liked a lot. The idiot stiffened for a few seconds as he normally would, a dumbfounded expression on his face, before his features softened and he threaded his arms around her neck.
"Hi," he whispered back, hands lost in her hair. "Did you like your food today?"
"I did," Asuka purred as she laid her head on his chest. "I guess I'll have to eat those words."
"Damn right," Shinji answered, rib cage rumbling in that way she liked. He breathed in the scent of her shampoo, letting his overtired limbs untangle from the massive amounts of stress they had been carrying. Cherries today, he thought, taking a lungful of Asuka-scented air. Cherries, LCL, and home.
"I missed this," Asuka admitted from her position and began shuffling around the mattress to get more comfortable. Soon enough they were both in their favored sleeping position, him flat on his back with her curled tightly against him.
"Me too," Shinji's mood turned a bit somber when he realized how quickly Asuka could go from being perfectly fine, carefree and happy, to being sad and dejected. There was something he needed to say about that. "You know, you're pretty moody."
A single electric cerulean eye glared at him from his chest. "What do you mean, Baka?" Asuka asked with a warning behind her tone. So he was still treading water? Ah, to hell with it.
"You shouldn't have left," he answered, unable to keep some of the soreness off his own voice. "You were hurting, and you were starting to go backwards instead of forward. I don't mind that you're moody," he clarified, brushing a strand of hair from Asuka's face and curling it around his finger. "And I know that the… thing in Unit 02 hurt you really bad and you weren't ready to talk about it, but..." The strand fell off his finger, so he grabbed another. Her hair was longer now, and he loved it. "Please don't do that again. Don't… don't run away from me. I want to help you, but I can't if you just push me away every time you're in pain."
Asuka at least had the decency to look chastised for a second, pouting on his chest like he had been the one to leave, until she huffed and hid her face from view. Her arm, however, snaked under his shirt and went to rest by his heart, where it belonged. The small gold chain was hanging from her neck as well; he could feel the cold of the small pendant through his shirt and catch a glimpse of golden under her auburn mane.
"I'm sorry," she said after a while, drawing small circles around his chest with her finger. "I didn't want to take away that happiness of yours… and I-"
"Was jealous of me for a completely idiotic reason?" Shinji suggested, earning a sharp pinch on his chest. He had missed those little pinches, had missed the smell of fruits and the warmth of her hand on top of his heart. You are my happiness, you stubborn woman.
"Now you're just being a jerk," Asuka complained, puffing her cheeks at him. It felt familiar, closer to whatever had been developing between them than anything he'd seen in days. Asuka pinched him again for good measure when she realized he was not really paying attention to her apology. "Anyway… I really am sorry, Shinji." She was using his name too, no 'idiot' attached to it, so Shinji was safe to assume the seriousness behind her statement. "I'll try not to do it again, okay?"
"You wouldn't be the Asuka I know if you weren't so stubborn all the time," he whispered, ignoring the third pinch on his poor skin. "Just bear with me when I sit on the floor and stare at you until you can't take it anymore and tell me what's wrong."
"You know," she murmured, not looking at him. "You can be pretty stubborn too, Baka. But I get it; I won't run away, okay? Just… if I try to, stop me again."
"Sure," Shinji yawned, loudly and deeply at that, filling his whole chest with air in the healthy way Asuka enjoyed, without so much as a grunt of discomfort. "One one condition, though. Don't make me use that Wing Chun stuff on a daily basis please; I get enough crap from Sensei as it is."
Asuka laughed lightly at that; Ishikawa would probably have them both in a pool of sweat like he had promised he'd do once they were out of their 'funk'. Her fingers unconsciously grazed one of the edges of Shinji's scars. The scars would always be there to remind her of what she had almost done, to never let her forget how close she had come to ending the life of the one person she understood. Something clicked; lots of things had been clicking that day. That was probably how Shinji had felt, and still felt to that very day, whenever she had a nightmare about the EVA Series, or scratched one of her non-existent scars. Responsible. Guilty. And through it all, he had stayed.
How can I not be jealous of this idiot? He can be so strong when he feels like it, and diligent too, she thought distractedly, producing a yawn of her own. The exhaustion was getting to her as well, clouding her thoughts and making her forget that the light was still on, or that she had forgotten to bring her pillow from the room she'd been sleeping in. Screw it, it's not like I need the stupid pillow anyway.
"Want me to turn the lights off?" Shinji mumbled, half asleep. They had not even bothered to get under the covers; both teens were tired enough to not even worry about the raging cold they'd surely suffer through the night.
"If you move," Asuka mumbled back, already drifting into unconsciousness. "I'll never forgive you."
"Understood," he answered, another yawn interrupting him. He pulled her closer; through their dual sync, he had been secretly able to glimpse into Asuka's mind, into her heart, and had found himself comfortably nestled in there. He needed no other reassurance, nor kind words, to know Asuka cared about him just as much as he cared for her. "Goodnight, Asuka-chan."
"Sweet dreams, Shinji," she whispered, drifting to sleep.
Misato found them curled even tighter around each other two hours later, when it was cold enough to force the former Major into wearing a comfortable sweater. After she shut off the lights they had been too lazy to reach, she gazed fondly at the teens from the door for a few minutes and enjoyed the silence of the medical ward. What she felt upon watching them both sleep so soundly, with their faces actually looking their age and snuggled so close to one another, could not be described with words alone. Once she was certain neither youngster would rouse if she intruded their little space, Misato let both herself and Pen-Pen enter uninvited, camera in hand.
Misato had honestly forgotten to ask Kensuke for a decent capture of both kids for her personal stash so that she could have a good picture to put in the frame Shinji had given her for her own birthday a week ago. The small device was modern enough to make her struggle with it for a few seconds to disable the flash, so as not to wake the teens, and adapt the setting to the dark room, but not modern enough to force her to ask someone else. Yet. She wasn't old. Thirty wasn't old! Thirty was the new twenty!
Pen-Pen tugged at her leg just as she was about to snap the perfect shot, which in retrospective could also be used as blackmail material in the future, depending on the situation. Pen-Pen didn't wark, somehow knowing he was supposed to stay quiet, but motioned for Misato to place him on the large bed.
"Aw," she whispered, bringing the avian member of their little family close. "You wanna sleep here with the kids today, Pen? I know it's been a week since you had your last chance." Pen-Pen nodded with enthusiasm, signaling with its flipper at the spot to Shinji's left, where his arm was holding Asuka's waist. As soon as she placed it in the bed, the bird wiggled its way through Shinji's arm and nestled his head on his stomach. For his part, Shinji surrendered his hold around Asuka's waist and placed his arm around Pen-Pen's body, earning a satisfied sigh from the penguin.
This was Misato's one chance; finding the kids asleep without her being half-dead with exhaustion was a rare occurrence by itself, even more an opportunity to immortalize that small, perfect shot of Shinji holding Asuka's body flush to his, with the girl's arm snaked under his shirt and her head on his chest and an uninvited bird snoozing contently on his stomach. Holding her breath, Misato brought the device up, aimed, and fired.
Perfection.
Unable to resit, Misato snapped four more pictures from different angles then, once she was sated, placed a delicate kiss on Shinji's temple along with one on Asuka's head, turning to leave.
"Night, kids. Sweet dreams to you both, you deserve them."
The cross dangled comfortably from her neck, bloodstain and all, a constant reminder of what they had all gone through. She didn't exactly appreciate the hole Shinji had made in the cross by nailing it to his little memorial of them, but it still felt good to have it. The cross had been a symbol of her revenge once, her hatred and her drive against the Angels. In Shinji's hands it had been an anchor, a remembrance of the world he lived in and the promise of the happiness that world could bring. Now, while she changed into her comfortable tank top and shorts and drifted off without being once woken by any screams, cries, muffled groans or painful moans, the cross was the promise she had made to Shinji when he had given it back to her.
The promise of a family.
No screams bothered the tranquility of the medical ward that night; no cries, no nightmares broke through the peace of the hallways. For that night, and many more to come, the small, improvised family slept sound and healthy.
December 20th, 2016. Siberia, Russia.
The snowstorm had delayed him about forty minutes already, which apparently did not sit well with the brat; in one of their meeting he had declared how his time was far too valuable to be spent with the likes of them, but it made no difference to him.
He had always hated Russia. It was cold, hot, and colder all the time. When the weather did settle, it was snowstorm after snowstorm and a chill that reached all the way to the bones, even more so in Siberia. To make matters worse, after Second Impact the weather had only gotten more unbearable with the hot, humid atmosphere of their little Post-Impact Earth and the chilling winds. But apparently winter had returned with a vengeance, making Walter regret his light choice of attire. The snow was getting to his knees, and his so-called impermeable boots had proven to be anything but, letting the moisture reach his toes. Perfect; as if a bit of frostbite wouldn't be a good souvenir from little old Mother Russia.
Upon entering the small wooden shack, barely discernible in the falling snow, the cold melted right off the agent's body. The only light available was a raging fire burning in the small hearth to his right. There was a wooden table in the center with varied instruments, needles, liquids, knifes and saws carefully laid out on a white cloth, and on the left side, where the shack's only window was located, was a fine-suited older fellow strapped to a chair with what appeared to be barbed wire around his limbs. His face was uncovered; he was a thick man with a sharp nose and deep, pronounced, graying sideburns that reached all the way down to his chin. His face was uncovered and mostly intact, with the exception of a bulge around his temple, and he was conscious, but there was a stained cloth tied around his eyes and a gag keeping him from speaking. The cold wind shook the man's expensive suit and made him tremble, which in turn forced the sharp edges of the wire deeper into his skin, making the fabric begin to tinge red.
In the middle of the shack, standing next to a second, larger table, Dmitri stood sharpening a big assault knife with a whetstone, wearing a thick black sweater and a plastic apron over the top of it. The brat's hands were also covered by plastic gloves, and he was… singing; quietly, in English at that, while he sharpened the blade and ignored the agent's presence completely. From his position next to the door, Walter was able to understand every word.
"Could this be the end?" sang Dmitri distractedly, staring at the blade. "Is this the way I die?" He moved the blade to the fire and inspected the sharpness, walking closer to the man in the chair. "Sitting here alone, no one by my side," he sang, running the blade across the man's temple and relishing in how he jumped and whimpered in surprise. "I don't understand…" he whispered, cutting the man's left sideburn and leaving a crimson line across his cheek. "I don't feel that I deserve this... What did I do wrong?" A slash, and the graying hairs fell to the man's lap, along with a small chunk of his cheek. The man struggled against the restraints and whimpered even more when the edges dug even deeper in his flesh. "I just don't understand…-Walter!"
In a second, the brat stood to his full height and bowed deeply to the CIA agent. "I'm glad you were able to make it, with the snowstorm and all that, I was beginning to think I'd have to begin without you."
"Brat," Walter offered dryly, nodding. "Who's that?" he added, pointing at the flailing man. He sniffed the air and grimaced; the man had wet his pants.
"Oh, him?" said the assassin disinterestedly. "Daemon Rothschild, otherwise known as SEELE 3. It's ridiculous how predictable some of these greedy pigs can be." Knife still in his hands, Dmitri pointed at the bleeding figure. "I wouldn't believe it at first, you know. I thought, hell, with all the technology available to us nowadays, why would any of the members of SEELE leave the comfort of their safe little holes, right?"
Walter walked over to the man and removed the blindfold. Terrified, frantic eyes addressed him as the man began mumbling incoherently through the gag, as if trying to tell him something. "How did you catch this one?" Walter asked, lifting an eyebrow. "I thought he'd be in one of his safehouses in America."
"I know, right?" Dmitri agreed amiably, looking as carefree as the man had ever seen him. "As it turns out, this fat little pig didn't want to give any more of his hard-stolen money to anybody until he" -he dug the blade in the larger table, producing a jump from the trapped figure- "ascertained his investment. Since he had never seen X in action before, the greedy piggy wanted a field test. So instead of staying home like a good little swine, he decided to come to Russia for the meeting and even demanded that I be in his security detail. Can you believe how idiotic they are? Even after I killed all of his men he tried to bribe me. Bribe me! Three times at that! I got bored and knocked him out afterwards."
Walter scoffed, walking over to the table where the many knifes and blades were displayed; there was even a chainsaw sitting in the shack's corner. The brat was crazy, indeed. "So you fished him out right under SEELE's noses? Not too smart, kid."
"Ah, relax," said Dmitri, patting the larger man on the shoulder. "For all they know I can't move without them knowing about it, you see," He exposed the back of his neck to Walter, where a small, diagonal scar ran next to his cervical vertebrae. "They originally installed a tiny tracker-slash-bomb on all our necks, so if we got disobedient they could blow our heads off from a distance, and actually managed to squeeze it back into my neck after Instrumentality, but what they didn't know is that the person who hired all of us just happened to be a renounced doctor and scientist back in the day, and that person was nice enough to remove this little device for me and plant it somewhere… not so suspicious."
Dmitri barked a few harsh laughs, smacking Walter in the back and earning a heated glare for his efforts. "For all the old men know I'm in Myr right now, reporting for duty and a synch test with X in two days, so I've got a day off to visit my old neighborhood and familiarize myself with this fine gentleman." He gave Walter a cold smile and turned to his instruments.
"You know, I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, Walter," he remarked, sounding sad. "The truth is, I invited you here today to try and repay what I did to your men. I give you, in the spirit of a future, blossoming friendship, the former Commander of NERV USA. The man who signed the papers for your son to be sent to Nevada and help in that experiment with Unit 04."
Walter's eyes turned very cold, and a very nasty smile drew on his face. "You don't say," he answered, staring at the frightened figure with vicious anticipation. So this was the bastard truly responsible for his son's death. "I can't say I was expecting this. That was more than considerate of you, young man."
"Well, you know," Dmitri smiled at him, a nasty one that matched his own. "All us monsters really have is each other, Walter. Think of it as an early Christmas present. By all means, enjoy yourself." He let out another harsh laugh. "Just don't kill him, will you?"
"Sure thing," answered the old agent while he cracked his knuckles. "What do you have for me?" he inquired, referring to the sharp objects on the table.
"The works, my dear Walter, the works." Dmitri shot back, amused. "What do you need?"
Inspecting the objects, the old warrior finally settled for a pair of thick, heavy, black iron mittens, and walked over to the now utterly terrified man.
"Oh, a classic," Dmitri said from his spot by the large table, where he was filling syringes with some transparent liquid. "I like your style, sir. Please, proceed."
With the same viscous smile Walter began hitting the man's face and thoroughly enjoying every punch he connected, along with feeling it all the way to his bones. "What are you doing with those syringes, huh?" he asked, punctuating his words with punches. Hot blood sprinkled on his face, but it only made him grin that much wider. Retaliation, at last. Vengeance.
"Oh, this?" answered Dmitri, filling another one. "This is a good old friend of mine called adrenaline. You've heard of the neural clips, yes?"
"Of course," Walter said between punches. He targeted the man's thick stomach and actually laughed out loud when he heard a rib snap.
"Well, once upon a time during the first… eleven years of our Lord's twenty first century, GEHIRN, or NERV, whatever it was, desired to have more functional neural clips. They were working on improving the technology so the connection would be more effective with the pilot, and i just happened to be the lucky guinea pig for their little tests for about three years."
The man's face was beginning to bulge up and bleed, so Walter grabbed him by the hair and broke his cheekbone with a powerful punch. "You were? Shit, that must've sucked."
"Well, I happened to be nine by the time they started. There was this particular experiment I disliked quite strongly." Dmitri placed the fifth syringe on the table, turning his attention to the old agent. "They would force me to synch with X to the highest level I possibly could, I think my synch rate was… 71% percent at the time? I don't really remember, but the thing I disliked about this experiment was that they'd basically start dismembering me limb by limb, just to see how much I could take at different synch levels before I passed out. First the feet and fingers, than the hands, then forearms and kneecaps, all the way to the shoulder and groin. First at twenty percent, then forty, then… well, you get my drift."
After about two more solid minutes of raining down punch after hard punch, and once his rage was sated, Walter spat on the bloodied figure, wiping the grime off his face. He watched as Dmitri cut the barbed wire and began lifting the barely-conscious bastard. He stared at Walter expectantly once the bonds had been cut, motioning to the larger table. "A little help here, please? Would you be a dear and tie up his legs, Walter, old sport?"
The older man smirked, complying. Soon their victim was lying on the table, arms and legs apart and tied by regular ropes, so as to not let him bleed to death. Apposite and bandages were all nearby, ready for use. "Well," Dmitri continued, examining his materials. "When I did pass out, these 'scientists' would inject me with adrenaline so they could measure their numbers for about five more minutes, or however long it took me to lose consciousness again. I only ever managed to survive… ah yeah, both legs and half of my left arm, I think it was."
Walter watched in sick pleasure when Dmitri picked up one of the syringes and stabbed it into the man's thigh. A few seconds afterwards, the victim's swollen eyes widened impossibly, and he started screaming in pain and struggling against the restraints.
"So you're gonna return the favor, huh? Sounds fair to me. What are you gonna start with?" Walter asked, genuinely curious. There were so many options to choose from; knifes, saws, blades, screwdrivers, the possibilities were endless.
"Hmm, well in honor of your visit, I suppose a proper show is in order," Dmitri answered absently, placing a welding helm on his head. Walter laughed out loud one more time, harder, when Dmitri picked up the chainsaw from the ground and started the engine.
Pressing the starter button, the young assassin lifted the chainsaw in the air and let the engine's sound fill the reduced space.
The man, SEELE 3, fought with inhuman strength against the restraints for someone who had just been beaten half to death. The white of his eyes was visible, the raw terror in his face and soul tangible to both assassins.
"As an American would say," commented Dmitri with a smile, slamming down the helm's visor. "Go big, or go home."
The chainsaw came down on the man's forearm, bathing the shack's walls in crimson.
To Be Continued…
Inspirational Music: Bad Seed, Merciful Fate, Prince Charming, Turn the Page, Am I Evil? – Metallica; Train of Thought (album), The Ministry of Lost Souls, Illumination Theory, Prophets of War, A Rite of Passage, Wither, The Count of Tuscany – Dream Theater; Soul to Squeeze, Road Trippin' – RHCP; Monster – Skillet; 1000hp (album), Straight out of Line, I Stand Alone – Godsmack; Sinner (album) – Drowning Pool; Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd; The Animal, Ten Thousand Fists – Disturbed.; Elevate, Six Feet Deeper, Not Hopeless – The Winery Dogs
AN: DONE! YESSS! So there you have it, folks, another chappie in record time. Biggest marathon I've ever had other than my thesis, I swear. Thank you so much for taking a bit of time to read what I write, thank YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you! Remember to review on your way out! Feel free to jump over the rambles if you so wish to, no prob, just remember! Stay healthy and eat your veggies!
A special mention, a hug, and a big round of applause for my brother MisterHalt for his invaluable help in proofing and improving this chapter! You gigachad, you! Thank you so much!
Warning: Ramble Ahead.
A couple of things I wanted to say, or write in this case, referring to certain subject about this story. Firstly: Why bring in a derailing sub-plot about Evangelions, crazy Russian assassins and SEELE when the plot of the kids' relationship by itself is nice enough? Two reasons; 1. This is an anime about giant robots and aliens coming from God knows where attacking the Earth, so I feel like I'd be disrespecting the series, were I not to at least deal with the subject in some way. I mean, EVAs are pretty much the main reason these kids are so interesting to write about in the first place, and are the main reason behind many of their issues. 2. I felt like it, not to sound condescending or anything, but really, this is how the story developed in my head, and that's how I wrote it. Sure, Dmitri is a painfully obvious Mary Sue or whatever they call it, but don't you worry, everything in this story is carefully calculated. How do the people hunting SEELE know Keele is not coming back in such a devastated world? Why, why in the world would SEELE even abandon Instrumentality? These questions will be addressed in the following chappies.
Secondly: Updates; I know we all love frequent updates, but as I've stated many times, I gotta work and shit, so sorry about the time, from the bottom of my heart, but I need money for food and wine. Thirdly: Cursing. I read an article about my story the other day, can't really remember where, where it depicted how I constantly use the f-word when the characters never really cursed in the show. Why? Two reasons. 1. My story takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, where its inhabitants suffered being turned into yellow mush and had to turn their backs on a fake heaven to live. In such a world, I believe social conventions such as no cursing would be quickly forgotten. 2. Cursing makes the characters a bit more human, more approachable, more realistic, at least I think so, but I'll dial it down a notch or two, sure.
Point Four: To those who disliked the WAFF section of my story, sorry I had to deviate the angst-drama to bring about a bit of lightness into the story, but shit, it can't all be bad all the time. Plus, it really is hard to write something dark when you're happy, and I'm pretty damn happy right now, with my vacations and all that. Without a silver lining ahead it all turns too dark and hopeless and I believe at least, that life by itself sucks enough for you to draw into literature and get a shitty, angst-filled and consuming chapter all the time. Life needs a bit of happiness so it doesn't suck so much, wouldn't you say so? Also, as my readers have so eloquently told me (thanks from the bottom of my heart if any of you is reading this), angst has to lead somewhere.
Now, these are children we're writing and reading about here, teenagers going through puberty after having witnessed the end of the world. Regular teenagers are an emotional rollercoaster on their own, especially when relationships are concerned, so yeah, you see them fighting one day and making up twenty minutes later, shit, most adults are like that, so I like to play with that fact. Add Armageddon to the mix and… yeah, you get it. I hope you get it. It's all part of the process of growing up as a traumatized, unstable teen. If you were expecting pure, unadulterated angst 24/7 all the time, well, sorry, not really my style. You've got Kadmon and many other writers for that.
Anyway, I'm rambling too much as always. I'll be signing off now, there's a bottle of Argentinean 2008 Sauvignon with my name on it, and I do intend to drink it.
All in all, I hope you enjoyed reading this half as much as I enjoyed writing it. You know the deal; grammar mistakes and all that, feel free to PM me. That would be all, wine time.
PEACE.