So… Yeah. This happened. Sorry for the laaaarge delay, two damn years, shit. Too much work. Literally too much. But hey! This is still alive! So listen! Or read… whatever. This is, as the title implies, just an interlude. Also, if you expect pure, deadly and depressing angst, nope. Sorry to disappoint, but not sorry! This is some waffy shit that'll leave ya with fucking disgusting butterflies fluttering in your stomach and the need to have a large fucking drink of something real sour like rum or whiskey once you're done. It's been sitting on my desktop since my birthday, unfinished, like the next chap Imma throw your way.
Not interested? Don't read! More chaps to follow, folks, with your regular ST twisted shit that'll drive a knife down your back and make you wonder just what the fuck I was smoking when I wrote it.
Anyway, as a little pain-killer from the longest hiatus in my life, here we go!
I own nothing.
Scar Tissue
Interlude: Dark Necessities
In the nothingness of Lilith's decomposing corpse, she swam.
Without direction, without purpose, devoid of a body or a proper soul, she swam and avoided the imminent consumption of Instrumentality. Faintly, as if from a distance, she saw glimmers of images from Shinji's perspective. Aside from the sentiment of dissolving ever so slowly and surrendering to the option of the Ocean's bliss, she felt little else than hope, pain, and… emptiness. Her entire life she had been a tool, in the end a tool for Shinji to be sure, but a tool to the last moment. Her purpose had been fulfilled; now the world spun once more and there was a slight sliver of belief that human life would once more take form. There was little else beside the boy's well-being that tied her to reality.
It was so cold.
The Commander's eyes had always been cold. Shinji had his father's eye, true, but only the dark cobalt tone of them. Shinji's stare held life, warmth, and care, or at least they had before he was broken beyond repair, but light had nestled there once. Throughout her existence the Commander's stare always been dead. Cold, merciless determination and utter indifference were the emotions most associated with him when she concentrated. He had never truly cared, in the end.
Her memories were scattered, unclear. They began to vanish, one by one.
Half of what she believed her soul to be longed for and admired the man as a light to follow. The other half could only be reminded of his cold detachment, of the way he had purposely turned her into a medicated doll who would jump, kill or terminate herself on command. Lilith provided no answers, limiting herself to maintaining her link with Shinji as the months passed and whatever remained of Ayanami Rei drifted away. The universal knowledge of what had transpired gave the broken pieces of her a cup to hold the ripped shards of self together, the constant dizziness, physical pain and uncertainty from a destroyed visage clawed at her brother. Hope was gradually extinguished to allow the sense of abandonment which for so long had defined him to manifest; Shinji's already damaged sanity started to crack.
The darkness coiled around his aura, consumed him, and feasted on his misery. Red eye the color of blood glared at her from his insides, and a deep, guttural voice took the form of Unit 01 and roared with the sounds of two billion souls. Shinji screamed alongside them, driven to insanity in the rubble, and alerted the scavengers looting in his vicinity.
"Will you not help him?" the voice of her sibling sang from afar. Kaworu appeared in her mind's eye, his normally playful gaze full of remorse. "He suffers, your brother. Your true brother. I cannot leave, anymore. Fulfilling his wish has… taxed me… I fear."
His wish, of course. His wish. Sohryu, that she should live and the world would die. That she was enabled to return if her soul so chose to; Shinji's one petition to them.
Again, Kaworu spoke, yet the sound drifted away under the lulling breeze of the waves inside the Ocean. "Will you not help him?
"Will you do nothing, as before?"
Lilith's true form remained a mystery. The Angel's face was always hidden away in the shadows, and while her body mimicked the one who had once belonged to Ayanami Rei, her face was little more than a deranged, unnatural smile and boiling, crimson eyes. Once or twice had she caught a glimpse of the Angel's alleged features; just remembering the intense glare was enough to cause a stab of fear to strike whatever pieces remained of her soul.
"You will do nothing then, girl. My children live once more. It is as it should be, yes. From life comes death, from death… rebirth. My son must feed, the cycle must continue. The boy's decision was correct. Yet you remain useless."
What could she do? Who was she, exactly? Was she a human, a ghost, a fragment of a person, an Angel? What glorious aid could she possibly provide when all the information, the knowledge of what would happen, had been with her from the beginning? Why had she only chosen, truly chosen, when it was too late? Why had she allowed him to break Shinji? Unwilling to surrender to the lie, unable to forget or forgive herself, what remained of Rei swarm near the shores from time to time; the link was there as promised, and as it seemingly brought Lilith great pleasure to do so, the Second Angel gave her gratuitous details of the many endeavors and hardships the boy she loved endured on a daily basis. The Second's return, after costing so much of Shinji's sanity and Kaworu's power, had only serve to fuel the dark flames of despair corroding his mind.
"Interesting, you Lilim. You delude yourselves with obvious truths for the sake of your own suffering. My poor, foolish children. You will do nothing then, will you die here?" The crimson eyes shined in the darkness, and suddenly there was a… doll… dangling in front of her. "Will you die with me?"
Had she a voice, Rei would have screamed. The fragments of Shinji and the Second's experiences in Instrumentality began to solidify, so to escape the crushing agony the boy was suffering she plunged into the memories and fake realities, searching… searching… finding only more pain, mixed with indescribable happiness, again, and again, and again.
Slowly, she started to die. What was there to live for, after all? Shinji would survive, the Second… would survive. They were one. Dying in the endless sea of the world's condensed life energy was excruciating, at best; her own very few, unclear memories and feelings began to wash away under a sense of non-sensation akin to the drugs she had taken on a daily basis. Her essence, whatever made her somewhat human, started to be absorbed by those who had managed to manifest their sense of self and solidify it. Soon what was once her would rain upon the land and feed the soil, reborn in some other form of life.
In the Void, Lilith spoke.
"You refuse to answer. I see; sad, but unavoidable. Your creator certainly did not do you any favors either, did he, my dear? Be grateful, that your existence will cease. Unlike me, you may die. 'Tis the punishment for giving life to you, my children. I may die, to live again, and never truly rest. So long as you Lilim walk this Earth I will live and die. I will forever stand in the interstice." The smile manifested within the Ocean's emptiness, eyes that so ever vainly resembled the entity in her brother's chest.
Memories and images dark enough to make her shudder were imprinted through the connection, directly onto what remained of her. The Second… taking him, claiming him, damaging him, making him bleed. Anger made the LCL boil. And worse, the nightmares; comprised of a systemic repetition of the boy's breaking point that continued in a constant, sadistic fashion. The pain of existence itself, and the boy's lonely, solemn determination; the throbbing feelings bled out in the link.
Lilith's fingers, frigid and lifeless, caressed her soul with a sense of morbid affection. "You wish to die, then. He is damaged, and yet you waver; you are a strange child of mine, Ayanami Rei. Do you not see? He has defied me; he has defied life and undone that which cannot be undone. For this, he will suffer; for every soul which was my son's and now roams the world, he will suffer. Do you not see that he suffers for you as well? Do you truly wish to die?"
No. She did not wish to die. She did not wish to disappear, and yet she had no will to live. There was nothing she could do to repair the damage; she had played her part in breaking Shinji to the bitter end as well, to the Commander's assured delight. Had she offered salvation from the crushing loneliness that plagued his every breath? Had she given him a purpose to not just obey, but to look beyond? Was she a flame igniting his way through the darkness? No.
"Ah, yes. Guilt, shame, regret. You insist on observing these too, yet fail to notice how this… girl… exudes these emotions as well. Die now, if you will not rise. There will not be pain, I assure you. Die, and be reborn. Die, and feed the cycle. It must continue. Die now, or live."
Interference. She could only describe the sensation as such; something began to reach out, something took a hold of a piece of her gone long ago.
Just as she was ready to surrender, a cold hand reached into her heart and punched. The misery was acute enough to make her awareness writhe, a pair of cold, calculating cobalt eyes shined down at her, glowering, snarling, biting. A monster, a beast. It ripped the pieces of her essence from Lilith, from the Ocean, bit down on her soul to mash the fragments together, and so she saw it. The one constant manifested itself, the one defining aspect of her limited, jaded existence. She had been created, given life by this beast, this snake that now curled around the fragments of Ayanami Rei as a vulture would its procured carcass. Unmerciful, the snake engulfed her; the memories were injected into her like poison. She was a tool, worthless, a clone, a hybrid, a replaceable asset in the quest of one man to become God and undo the natural order of existence. Yes, she had always been replaceable; he had made the fact abundantly clear through her life… lives. What was it he desired, now? Did he wish to use her once more, this time to return himself to a reality he rejected? Did he wish to consume whatever remained of her soul and return?
You must live.
The growl was somehow comprehensible to her; the hiss of a reptile inside her head, the presence of another who forced its way in to form a being out of broken shards.
You must survive, Rei.
Get out. Get out. Get out! She felt…violated. Observed, prodded and bitten; the memories felt like a seed covered with spikes brutally drilled into her soul and instantly budding, producing a tree with leaves made of blades. The cold, calculating gaze of Ikari Gendou, her creator, accompanied every puncturing wound. Every unwanted sensation was magnified by the sheer presence surrounding her.
Do you wish for him to become… broken?
Get out. Leave. She wanted to die then, truly, for the agony was too great. In the endless Ocean, the nothingness of Instrumentality had worked like a lulling drug, keeping her disconnected. Rei wished for true, liberating death then; much preferable to her than the agony coursing through her. She wished that Lilith would take the memories away. Nothing. Nothing. She was nothing, she had done nothing. She deserved death, but not like this, not beside him.
Do you wish for him to become like me, then?
While the agony continued undeterred, her mind -her mind- seemed to grasp a sense of existence for once. Impossible; not with the Second alive, it was not to be. He was to suffer, and to find happiness the likes of which she could not comprehend. He would not become lifeless, driven by insanity and greed like his father. Like her father. He would not.
And if she dies? What then? You must return, Rei. He needs you.
Nonsense. He needed the Second. The link would most certainly convince this beast, this snake, that her assessment was true; a simple glimpse and it would be sated, and then she could… go… and die. Yet the monster coiled around her and squeezed the broken pieces while the tree of blades blossomed in her mind and the use of reason returned alongside every painful recollection. Each blade opened up a wound in her numbness, each wound was infected by a memory. Class. Reading abilities. A tank filled with LCL. Dr. Akagi Naoko. Her purpose. EVA. Akagi Ritsuko. Katsuragi Misato. The Angels. EVA. Lilith. The scenario. Ikari Yui.
Him.
Shinji.
You are kin.
The monster declared it with resolution, and pushed her sense of self back into place with a savage bite.
I promise, Rei. I will pay for what I have done. I promise. You must go to him.
The sensation was repulsive; the very thought of reconstituting a body she had never had, with pieces and shards of what had once been others, made her sick and yet the beast forced her to endure as it bit down again and again so the poison that was her memory was back in place. An eternity of suffering went by with nothing to sate her but her own ravished, desperate screams. The pain… it enough to make her rip out eyes she did not have, tear off skin she did not possess.
The eyes of that man, glaring down at her with anger for the first time.
Go!
And then the beast uncoiled, the Ocean came crashing down in a tide and Lilith's claws sank once more into her soul, dragging her back to its corpse and deeper, deeper… into a darkened zone filled with screams. The red carnage was everywhere, a Graveyard of former humans with the darkest, most nauseating creations of the unconscious, the world of the twisted, dying souls which were ever so slowly digested.
Deformed beings that had little humanity left swam in eternal anguish and constant degradation. Some, obese beyond any rational form, carried heavy, rusted chains with spikes and irons many times bigger than them, walking aimlessly while dragging the heavy burden and forced to feed on rotten flesh. Others, reduced to some form of insect with a head, or arms awkwardly protruding from somewhere, were devoured by giant ogres who then agonized as the insects came to life inside of them and in turn, killed them over and over.
What had once been women were ravished by monsters who tore open their throats and entrails while the women stabbed or clawed or bit at them. Each time the decaying corpses came alive again the deformation continued, the skin melted, the faces were bitten off, the bodies decayed. The sound of flesh being torn apart, growls, and screams consumed the endless world illuminated only by an eclipsed sun.
A boy, younger than her by three years or so, hung chained by his arms and was forced to watch the eternal butchery without respite. A world of decadence, and foul souls.
The stomach of Samael.
It was but a glimpse.
"So, you will live. A sound decision, indeed. Do take this image with you, and remember that your boy stole something from this, and will forever be punished for his heresy. Go now, child."
The red eyes shone upon her, and the face was revealed. Beneath the shadows lay a being with white, decaying locks; what had once been her cheeks had been devoured long ago, and the mass that resembled skin was but a cluster of maggots moving about the skull, where only the deranged eyes glimmered. The maggots moved and formed a smile, extending literally from ear to ear.
Lilith laughed and laughed. The feeling and acute pain of her neck being sliced open, the horrid sensation of having Unit 01 burst out of her eye, the slow, decaying process of her body, and then the pain of the memories the Commander had poisoned her with.
And so it was revealed. The poison was her anchor.
She hoisted her body to the surface, but on her way up a cold, dead hand gripped her ankle. She was already running out of air, her lungs burning with white-hot pain. The hand curled not on her ankle, but on her very sense of self, and pulled down with vehemence. Lilith refused to let her live. Terrified and struggling not to lose what little air she had left, she desperately kicked away and tried to swim, but then she made the mistake of looking down.
The corpse of Lilith held her down, now wearing her face, which was slowly being devoured by something she could not see. In seconds the Angel's face was a half mangled, eaten mass with eyes dangling from devoured sockets.
"You were bound to me, you were one with me. You will carry this, child." Lilith laughed, even as her jaw fell off and her remaining eye began to cry blood. "You are I. And you are you. He, he he, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
The laughter gained volume until it became stifling. She could not breathe. The corpse would not let her go, and she-
Rei shot up from bed in an instant, sweating profusely. Her panicked eyes instantly went to her legs, where in the darkness the bed sheets took the form of Lilith's decayed face being devoured. Unbidden fear took over and Rei kicked them away, yet the feeling would not disappear. The image of that dark, decaying location made her want to retch. In the end, the horror won.
She screamed, hands covering her ears and eyes tightly shut when the image of Samael's stomach washed over her again. She had never screamed so loudly before, and did not stop until her throat was burning and her lungs gave out, the raw horror of the repressed memory making her body tremble in utter dread.
The door slid open without warning, but she barely noticed.
"Rei?! REI! Are you okay?!"
"Rei for fuck's sake, stop screaming and answer your brother, damn it! Where's the threat?!"
"Left side clear, Asuka!"
"All clear under the bed! Check the bathroom!"
"Hai!" A pause, running steps on her room, and then his voice rang out. "All clear!"
She kept on screaming, trying to erase the images from her head.
"Rei, Gott, snap out of it!"
December 22th, 2016. NERV Medical Ward. 1.27am
At last, the loudness of Sohryu's voice cut through her own screaming and forced Rei's eyes open. Asuka was glaring down at her, gun in one hand and flashlight in the other. Shinji, for his part, quickly returned from her bathroom carrying a smaller flashlight, looking for enemies with his own sidearm. From outside of her room the distinctive sound of boots came clashing through the hallway, the Sub-Commander's voice giving orders, and the sudden blindness of the light being turned on.
After a few heartbeats the soldiers began to retreat, certain there was no threat, and soon only Misato, Asuka and her brother remained. Rei was then promptly terrified for a completely different reason: she was the center of attention from three prying pairs of eyes who questioningly tore through her effectively flushed face.
"Um…" she started. "I… apol-"
"Having a real bad dream, huh?" Asuka interrupted, to her renewed irritation.
"I…" Rei glared daggers at her, or attempted to at the very least; her heart was still beating madly in her chest. Her skin felt cold, sticking to her gown and the bed sheets in a very uncomfortable way. She was trembling. "Yes."
"Aw, Rei-chan, sorry to hear that," Misato mumbled, and stifled a yawn. The hand holding her pistol came down heavily against her thigh. "Wanna talk about it? We're all ears, you know."
"Misato, look at her for a second, will you!?" Asuka's loud voice made Rei flinch. "She's even paler than normal; of course she doesn't want to talk about it! And look at you! You're barely standing as it is! How many hours have you had to sleep this week?"
"It's… it's okay, Asuka… about twenty or so…?" Misato replied with a shrug, her words interrupted by several yawns. "I can stay here and listen too."
From the corner of her widened eye, Rei saw Shinji lower his weapon and offer Misato a small smile. "Misato-san, you've been working non-stop. You need your rest, we can handle things here. Go back to bed. Pen Pen must be worried by now."
"Aww… Shin-chan, you too? I wanna help…!" Misato attempted to clear her evidently exhausted features by running a hand down her face and stifling yet another monstrous yawn. "Rei-chan's family now, too. I want to be there."
To Rei's surprise, it was Asuka who answered. "You are," she heard the girl mutter. "But I highly doubt Blue over here wants either of us in her room right now. This looks like something the Baka should handle."
"B-But Asuka! I-"
"None of that! You keep bragging about how she's your little sister, so time to put up or shut up!"
Another yawn cut Misato off before she could retort. "But maybe we can help Shin-chan, Asu-"
"Just… just go back to bed, Misato. You're literally swaying on your feet right now." It was true, the Sub-Commander was moving almost drunkenly while standing; the woman's eyelids drooped every few seconds and Rei saw her shake her head at least twice to stay awake.
"O-Okay… Rei-chan, you fine with your brother over here?" Misato mumbled, already heading for the door on auto-pilot. "Just… just call if you need any… thing…"
"Go on, shoo shoo," said Asuka, pushing Misato out the room with only a fraction of the usual bite she reserved for her guardian. "Bakaaaa," she called out behind her as she exited the room as well. "Don't just stand there like a log, comfort your sister! And you…" Rei saw the girl's eyes narrow at her still shaking form. The Second Child seemed to ascertain in seconds if the symptoms she was displaying were indeed the effect of a nasty nightmare, or some well-performed act. "You can borrow him for tonight, I guess."
Something pulsed in her temple. Borrow him? Borrow him?
Borrow him?
He is my brother, you… you deranged harpy, she thought, anger quickly winning over terror. He is not some toy you can simply pass along to the next person, you insufferable harlot; have you learned nothing?! Do you still think he is but a tool for your personal comfort? I will cut open that thr-
"Shinji." The change in the Second's tone was instantaneous, gone was the lashing tongue that acted like a whip when saying anything, replaced by some sort of soft, tired tone with a level of… tenderness? What…
"H-Hai!" Shinji answered and immediately closed the distance between him and Rei's bed. "I'll do my best, Asuka!"
Even more annoying than having Shinji act at the Second's command was the way she smiled at her brother, with some sort of unspoken bond she herself was not allowed to partake in, something only understandable for the both of them. "I know you will, dummy. I'll see you in the morning so… in like four hours. Take care of your sister."
"Hai!"
After a few seconds of shuffling and soft footsteps walking away, silence reigned in her designated quarters. Something about the way the Second had uttered those words had forced Rei to reconsider her anger towards the redheaded pilot. A slight amount dissipated, at the very least; not enough to make her desire to smash the other girl's skull against the floor go away entirely. They did truly despise one another and said bond, however tainted in bitter resentment and misplaced anger as it was, was a true connection with another person, albeit a dark, unpleasant one.
Take care of your sister…
In all honesty, Asuka had been about the first person to not only agree with, but also accept and promote the concept that Rei and Shinji were siblings. A blood test the day before had only solidified said arrangement; from a genetic viewpoint both she and Shinji shared the same mother. He was, for all intents and purposes, her brother. So engrossed was she in her own pondering that Rei failed to notice that at some point Shinji had picked up one of her two available chairs and sat to her left, looking both pensive and utterly unsure of how to proceed.
"Umm…" he said, looking at his feet while Rei stared at her own shaking fingers. "I'll sitt here as long as you need, Rei-chan. If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. I know how… bad… nightmares can be."
Rei's hands folded against each other in a vain attempt to cut off the constant, involuntary quivering of her body. "I…" she began, truly unsure of what to say. "Thank you, but your presence is not necessary, Nii-san. I ask you to please return to your sleeping quarters." Go back to your harlot; there is nothing you can do for me. There is nothing I ever did for you.
"Sorry," she heard him whisper in the dark. A warm, calloused hand took hold of her own and held it firmly. For all that she tried, the shaking never truly stopped. "I can't do that."
"I will tell Sohryu you aided me in returning to sleep," she added absently, and stared at the window where the moonlight dimmed. The bitterness and jealousy leaked from her voice like the Commander's fangs had dripped poison in her soul. "You need not waste your time with the likes of m-"
"Remember that one time, a while ago?" he interrupted. At last, she managed to stare at him. In the dim light she recognized Shinji's form was slightly hunched, his eyes still glued to the ground while his hand ever so stubbornly held onto hers. "I was going insane in the hospital, to the point I thought I'd disappear and never be able to wake up again. It was one of the worst episodes I ever had, with the drugs keeping me asleep. Honestly, I thought I'd either die or go completely nuts once and for all, and then…" She noticed, despite her own fear, trepidation and renewed sense of being worthless, that Shinji did not stutter. Not once. "And then you were there. Remember?"
Of course, how could she forget? It had been the last time she had been allowed by Lilith to intervene. The horror Shinji had been reliving those nights had been strong enough to draw her from the dreamless slumber of Instrumentality and allowed her to once more go to him. "Yes," she murmured in turn, feeling dejected for no reason at all. "I remember."
"You told me to focus on the hand holding my own, right? You gave me a few seconds of rest from… the dreams, the memories." He clutched her fingers tighter for emphasis. "I did, and it helped me survive, it helped wake me up. If it weren't for you I wouldn't even be here, nobody would be here. If it weren't for you, I would've never known how happiness feels."
A noble thing to say, Nii-san, and a lie. I merely awoke from a ten year slumber, that is all. I had no problem with letting you break during the war against the Angels, Rei pondered miserably. She had no response to Shinji's statement. The way he spoke left no room for a rebuttal; he was convinced that what he said was true, as true as reality itself.
"So, you can go back to lying down and resting, I'll be right here if you need me." Shinji drew the chair closer and propped his elbows on the bed, trying to get into a comfortable position. He was staying; he was about to simply sleep by her side. What?
What.
She must have looked as dumbfounded as she felt, for her brother offered a small, tired smile. "Just focus on this." He held her hand in both of his own with enough strength to make her crimson eyes widen. "Whenever you feel like you're ready to talk about it, I'm all ears. But first you need to rest, so just… you know… lie down. I'll be here."
"Why?" Rei asked without taking the time to consider her own question. "Why will you stay here? Will this not… will it not affect your relations with Sohryu?" She was of course referring to the hospital incident between the two, and the possessiveness of Asuka over Shinji; if he stayed, after all, the redheaded pilot could go off for days about how he was a sick bastard who now desired his own sister as well.
"Huh?" Shinji blinked at her, or so she assumed under the veil of darkness. "Ah… no. I don't think so, anyway. Asuka-chan knows you've been through a lot too. Maybe she never really says it, or ever will, but she really understands that you suffered, and that it hurts. And that you're very strong. She respects that. She might… hate you… but she respects you."
Rei raised a very doubtful eyebrow. "I hardly believe she is capable of respecting anyone, let alone me." Shinji took apparent offense to her last statement for he broke eye contact and a frown ever so slightly drew on his brow.
He inhaled deeply so as to calm his automated harsh response. "Well, she is. She does, even if you won't believe it." The tone in which he spoke brooked no room for arguments again. "She's the one who told me to stay, didn't you hear her?"
Take care of your sister.
She had indeed; even if she covered her ears it was difficult to muffle the irritating voice of Sohryu Asuka Langley. The girl was a contradiction within a denial, all wrapped in anger and insecurity. Still, the girl had been, as of late, a positive influence on her brother's recovery. Offering a nod to him, Rei carefully let her shaking body unwind and laid back on the mattress with stiff, exhausted limbs. The sweat covering her skin made her shiver, to which Shinji instantly reacted and once again left her perplexed. Who was this stranger wearing her brother's face, anyhow? He swiftly let go of her, kicked over the damp, stinky mass of fabric on the floor to the room's corner, retrieved some fresh bed sheets from the closet and covered her with them. Then, without a second thought, he once again took hold of her hand with his.
He subsequently took a towel that rested by her bedside and gently wiped her sweaty forehead.
"Whatever you saw, whatever they told you," he whispered, and smiled. "It's a lie. This is real," he tugged at their joined hands. "I'm right here, Rei-chan."
There was a sudden turmoil in her head, a sudden burning behind her lids; how could he unbalance her with such ease? At which point had he begun to grow out of his father's shadow? When, exactly, had light climbed back into his eyes?
After what felt like an eternity had passed, Rei mustered up the courage to ask. "Nii-san," she whispered to the boy, who was already half-asleep on her mattress. A single, dark blue eye addressed her with curiosity.
"I do not think… that I want to see Father this week," she admitted quietly, recalling the sickening sensation of Ikari Gendou's soul constricting her own. "You… have been correct about many assessments regarding… him."
She saw a very ugly shadow creep over his brow at the mention of their father and understood, partially, why Asuka was scared of a very angry Shinji. He growled like a hungry animal, hands painfully squeezing her own. "What did he do?" he demanded with a tone so low and cavernous it made her shiver. "Did he do something to you? Has he been trying to use you in some shape or form? Just gimme a sec and I'll-"
He had been just about ready to march out her room and probably shoot Gendou in the leg, drag him back to her chamber and force him to confess at gunpoint, so Rei tugged at his hand with whatever strength there was available to her. "He has done nothing… recently," she added, and watched at the boy's form ever so slowly crept back in the chair. For a moment, she pondered, slightly at awe. He resembled not his father, but… something greater. A large animal, ready to strike with the hairs on his mane bristled. A tiger, no… she watched Shinji's eyes slowly lose the dangerous edge. Not a feline, nor a reptile. "I was just… remembering."
Her brother's eyes shone with understanding. "Oh," he added, and looked down on their hands. "Remind me to kick him in the balls next time I see him."
It finally dawned on her. A wolf.
His last comment managed to draw a small, almost imperceptible giggle to her lips, yet it also worked to widen the fracture in the wall holding up an imminent fit of sadness. Try as she might, Rei was unable to stop the growing misery in her chest, so she nodded, turned to him and felt her lips begin to tremble. It was still strange, to cry. The tears began to flow with a burning consistency which rendered her blind, forcing Rei to crawl into a fetal position facing her brother. Shinji did not climb in bed to hold her, but he never let go of her hand. Every now and then she'd feel his thumb wipe away the fresh trails of moisture on her face, not once looking uncomfortable or unsure ashe he held her cheek and offered a somber, understanding expression.
"N-Nii-san," she croaked out once the tears had stopped falling.
"Hmm?" Shinji replied from where he lay with his head resting on the mattress.
"How…" Rei bit her lower lip, rose momentarily to drink a bit of water from a glass she did not remember filling or putting on her night stand, and resumed her position. "How many people… did you bring back? How many souls did you… take… from in there?"
"In there?" came the muffled voice. "What do you…oh." Understanding dawned on him, making Shinji's grip tighten. "So you saw it, too, huh. Guess I'll have to teach Lilith a lesson when I die."
"Nii-san," said Rei, with some level of annoyance in her normally deadpan tone. "How many souls did you bring back?"
"From in there?" he asked, apparently knowing what place she referred to without her actually saying it. "Just two… took a lot of work to find them, but I did… and then Kaworu-kun helped me…" She noticed the way he seemed forlorn and utterly devastated when remembering the Fifth Child, so she did not press the issue.
"And," she asked again, feeling Shinji's hand tremble in return ever so slightly. "In total? How many did you bring back?"
"Four," he said without doubt or trepidation. Lilith said he undid that which cannot be undone, and must therefore suffer, Rei pondered gravely.
"Do you… ever regret it? Bringing them back?" Do you regret having brought us back? She saw the boy's half-lidded eye shine with some level of mirth, yet he shook his head against the sheets.
"Nah," he answered, and turned to properly stare at her. "I never do. It's about the only thing I don't regret."
"How do you… cope? She told me you would be… punished…"
Taking her once again by surprise, Shinji offered a sunny, albeit exhausted smile. "I have a fire that always walks ahead of me, lighting the way," he said. Even more than taken aback by his response, Rei was thoroughly unable to enjoy the feeling of Shinji's lips lightly kissing her knuckles. "And I have a family to protect. That's more than enough."
Purpose.
After a few seconds of comfortable stillness, Shinji cleared his throat. "So you saw it, too," he whispered, eyes transfixed in her crimson eyes. She saw caring there, deep and rooted, warm, and unyielding. "I'm sorry."
"… not… your fault…" she quietly replied. With her brother's comforting presence around her, and the scent of barley wood mixed with sweat and some sort of fruity shampoo, she was beginning to tire rather quickly. "…Lilith… had to… show me…" Even as her lids felt unnaturally heavy, she noticed Shinji was in no hurry to fall back to sleep. Being as he was, he'd probably not sleep anymore and keep vigil, the way he had stubbornly slept on the floor for nigh on a week to ensure Asuka did not commit something which could not be taken back.
"Nii-san…" she muttered; as much as she tried it was all but impossible to hold his tired, solemn gaze. "…who was… that boy?"
She would not hear the answer, not for years to come, for sleep claimed her conscious mind and dragged her to a world much warmer than Lilith's corpse, a world where Shinji held her hand proudly, where he delivered her at an altar to a large man whose face was hidden in shadow; Rei swam in a world she had never bothered exploring, a world where Shinji, her brother, was there.
Hours passed. Dawn ever so slightly crept through the shut curtains, and from a distance Shinji heard the chirping of birds, the rustle of the wind, and the whisper of Lilith's voice. The image of the boy's body being held by rusted chains in the middle of what he knew to be hell came to mind just as the sun shot a glow in the dim chamber. He had gone there; he had defied the very fabric of reality to go there, he had retrieved Kaji-san and that other person who was ready to give up, knowing the price to be paid. What were nightmares in comparison to being torn to pieces, anyhow? Who cared if the pain felt real in his head? Who cared if it had almost driven him insane? Who cared if he was to see Asuka torn apart for him again and again? He'd do it a thousand times if necessary.
No matter how dark or how twisted the nightmares became, no matter how horrifying the spectacle was, no matter how many times he was forced to see her arm shoot up to the skies and be split in half, he'd wake up. There was now a fiery girl beside him who'd rouse him, sleep next to him, and breathe. She was breathing, she was alive.
Of all the horrible spectacles in that torture chamber, nonetheless, he could not help but feel empathy towards the limp form that hung in there, in his belly. He wondered what someone so young could have done, to be given such a crude castigation.
What had that little boy done, anyway?
In the darkness of their spacious and comfortable room, Asuka sighed.
Feels kind of empty without the Baka here, she mused while lying on the mattress and staring at the ceiling. I wonder what he finds so enlightening about this stupid roof. I've wandered that before; maybe I should just ask him. Shinji had a habit of staring up at the ceiling while deep in thought, most of the time with an arm on his forehead and the music player blasting whatever he chose to listen lately. He always had a soft spot for classical music and, ridiculously enough, that music seemed to help him concentrate during the fighting drills. She had told him to think of the metronome in a song whist measuring up his opponent's timing and attack accordingly, a suggestion that almost immediately gave results.
We have conditioning and muscle work today, the redhead realized, and eyed the blazing 2:34am on the clock that shined in obnoxious green on Shinji's nightstand. Gotta make sure the idiot eats plenty of protein and potassium, some carbohydrates for energy maybe. Some nuts, olive oil too in the salad, can't forget the olive oil. Then at dinner I'll have him make something with those damn blueberries the Americans sent us. Watermelon and pineapple smoothie in the morning.
The first day after they had reconciled, Asuka had taken it upon herself to ensure Shinji not only ate, but ate healthy. Guilt had very easily provided constant stabs when the realization dawned; she had been perfectly fine with eating the food he worked so hard to acquire and cook, without so much as worrying if he was eating or not. Or, at the very least, she told herself as much and forced her eyes elsewhere during meals.
In the month prior to Shinji's admission, however, she had gotten terrified. She had felt the bones of his shoulders, the non-existence of his belly, the gaunt nature of his facial features, all of it while using him for sexual pleasure. It had not deterred her, but the way he walked so slowly, or how he looked weak enough to be brought down by a simple push had planted the seed of worry in her chest. So, when she could, when the anger was not clouding her logical reasoning, she'd force him to sit beside her at the table and eat.
Seven kilograms under his ideal weight… A few days before Misato had caught her controlling Shinji's portions and stuffing more of this or that onto his plate and, being the obnoxious, pretentious, overprotective hypocrite she was, the woman had not let the matter rest. Asuka was aware Misato still distrusted her to some extent, and would continue to do so until such time that Asuka proved she would not, in fact, revert back to her systematic abusive behavior. Like the drunken slob knows anything about fighting your baser instincts.
But she did; Misato had all but stopped drinking except for the occasional can of beer to help her sleep after a hard day's work. That can, if Shinji was to be believed, would often be still half-full when dawn arrived. Misato was fighting against a deep addiction on a daily basis, all the while dealing with politicians, soldiers and rich assholes to make sure the country did not fall into anarchy. Stupid drunken slob, why couldn't you just stay drunk? Do you know how hard it's getting to hate you lately?
She recalled the conversation a few days prior, teeth grinding together.
"I know you're keeping tabs on how much he's eating, what he's eating, when," Misato remarked with disinterest one morning while Asuka cut up some fresh fruit and prepared smoothies for the four of them. "Why are you doing that?" she asked coldly, using her no-bullshit tone.
"Not that it's any of your damn business," Asuka replied through gritted teeth, then slumped somewhat and glared at the floor. "But if you must know, when Shinji was admitted to this shithole, he was seven kilograms under his ideal weight, his muscle mass was deteriorated, and his metabolism was on the brink of shutting down."
Asuka's eyes went somewhat distant as she started to recall the medical report. "His leukocyte count was one point five thousand per cubic millimeter, and his lymphocyte count lower than a thousand per cubic millimeter. His glucose intake was all wrong; his uric acid levels were over the top; the calcium in his blood was a joke; iron, potassium, sodium, it was all wrong. He had severe mineral deficiencies and his bones were weakening, he had an ulcer made out of stress in his stomach, he wasn't sleeping, he was barely eating at all."
She stared hatefully at the ground, knuckles turning white with anger. "When I was admitted here, I was perfectly healthy; maybe a bit off since he was gone a month, but nowhere near the way he was." She stared defiantly at her guardian, almost snarling again. "He was broken, so broken he could barely keep himself together, and he still took care of us." When she felt that the message had been delivered, Asuka turned her head, staring towards the gymnasium where Shinji spent his mornings and evenings as of late. "The very least I can do is make sure he eats properly from now on instead of just watching him cook everything and puking whatever he swallows back up. I'm going to make sure he's healthy, he sleeps well enough, and-" Without turning, Misato could almost feel her charge blush. "-and… you know… help him too…"
She huffed, right arm extending in the dark. Stupid Misato. What did she know, anyway? Where the hell had she been? Sure, trying to keep them both alive with Shinji's habit of leaving for hours to look for food, along with her own habit of going and looking for any piece of technology she could work on to make the hours go faster, was difficult enough in a post-apocalyptic ruin. Add on the constant sleepless nights to arrange shifts with the very few trustworthy bodyguards at her disposal, all the discussions, allegations and lawsuits filed against Misato when it had actually been her to protect NERV and its employees, the witch hunt she had led to capture, prosecute, and probably kill some of the JSSDF high-rankers... Misato had been busy, maybe a bit too busy.
I wonder if the Baka likes goose. Her machinations were beginning to bear fruit; it was almost time for Weihnachten, and Asuka had been preparing for the past few days to repay Shinji in kind for all he had done on her birthday. I'll teach you to mess you me, you dummy. I'll outclass you so much it's gonna hurt, you'll be so happy everyone's gonna think I got you stoned.
The plan was simple enough; one to be exercised in two phases. Phase one was to ensure Shinji did nothing short of relaxing during the morning of the 24th. He would be off cooking the main dish to divert his attention while Asuka retrieved the dress Maya was correcting for her and made herself irresistible, and then she would completely overshadow his party with her own preparations. She had already grudgingly invited the Stooges and their families, Hikari, and Shinji's precious little sister. Huh, I really do hate that girl. There was no particular reason for her constant rejection of any sort of friendly interaction between her and Rei; they were both content enough to beat the hell out of each other during sparring. So far, the score was 5-4, with a victory via submission in Wondergirl's advantage. Her shoulder was still a bit sore. Cunning little bitch; you knew I'd try the takedown and slipped right out of my choke. Just you wait… that judo shit is no match for my jiu-jitsu.
Letting the details of her mission for the next few days unveil themselves in her brain, Asuka rolled over to Shinji's side of the bed and took a lungful of his scent. Forest, barley wood with sweat, rosemary, she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms and legs around his pillow. LCL, generic shampoo, thyme, soy sauce, and fresh bread.
She smirked at the bed sheets. The dark side of her, the side that refused to stop hating Rei or Misato or Ritsuko, smirked even wider when insight came. You may have the advantage in our bouts, Wondergirl, she thought with sadistic delight while drowsiness took over and her eyes closed, engulfed in the smell of Shinji all around her. But I have something you want, and I'll never give it up. The cute, small pendant on her neck was a heart, and it had her name on it.
I have what you want the most in this world, Asuka thought, surrendering to slumber. And I'll never let you have it. He's mine.
December the 23rd, 2016. NERV Dining Area.
The Sub-Commander of NERV had, as usual, very little time available and a headache building up in her head. Before the city's infrastructure had started working again she had essentially been responsible for keeping people away from each other's throats, not to mention away from her young charges which many of the not-so-enlightened returnees wished to kill at every opportunity. She had honestly lost count of how many corpses lay on the bloody trail behind her that had begun as soon as she found Asuka and Shinji scavenging in that run-down department store, half-starved and more feral than human. Shinji's first instinct had been to strangle her, if Misato recalled correctly, screaming about how she 'wasn't there', how she was 'a lie, an impostor' and how she was dead, so very, very dead. That had been the turning point in her new life; the moment she had decided to protect them both from any more harm.
Misato's mistake had been to believe they'd be safe with each other.
Now, as governments were reinstated, order began to crawl back into the majority of the world and the Emperor himself had decided to stop relinquishing his authority to NERV, the dick measuring contest had begun. Not two days before Christmas or Weih…whatever Asuka called it, the German Ambassador had so very dutifully decided to pay them a visit, bringing lots of offerings from Asuka's motherland in the form of state-of-the-art medical technology, weapons for her increasing and ever-growing private army, meats and cheeses of varieties she hardly knew existed despite living in Germany for a while, as well as boxes of chocolates and sweets.
There were also a formal apology from the Bundesrepublik to Asuka for basically abandoning her to Japan like a discarded ball or a trained dog, along with a formal invitation to return, with Unit 02, to her home country where she'd be welcomed as a hero. The letter also mentioned a parade, a gigantic house to live in, inherited from her deadbeat father, a large bank account, and the official title of Captain in the German Army or Deutsches Heer.
While making her way to the small kitchen area now privately owned by the Children, a gift from Russia's own ambassador, Misato could not help but snicker when the image of the poor German ambassador's face bathed in purple soda came to mind. Asuka had not only declined the invitation in the most flamboyant, disrespectful form possible, she had even casually replied that under any military psychological assessment she was not at all cleared for combat, she was by all means an aggressor, and even if she was mentally fit for duty all the German government wanted was to turn both her and the EVA into a tool of intimidation and mass genocide. She had even asked the man if they were about to use her in 'preventive interventions', the same excuse Hitler had used to invade Poland. Misato had never seen a man turn so many shades of red so quickly.
Oh yes, having been the country to host the mecha for years, Germany had demanded it be handed over immediately once reconstruction had ceased in the major cities. They, as a military and research organization associated with the Japanese government, would comply or there would be dire consequences to pay. Misato huffed; SEELE had threatened to kill, and had effectively purged, many families to which the JSSDF belonged to in order to finish 'convincing' their own government to burn her employees alive, stab them or plain shoot them until little more than crude, butchered masses of flesh remained. It was easy to imagine the Germans, or any other government for that matter, doing the same again, or just as easily letting SEELE borrow their troops and, once the smoke had cleared, fabricating their own version of a mechanized deity.
With only one operational Evangelion remaining and the world going back to some semblance of normality, it would be months, a year tops, before humans went back to exterminating and destroying one another; there was no universal threat to unify humankind anymore, after all. Was there any weapon on this earth that even vaguely completed with an EVA? The very thought of what they planned to do with her children made Misato wish she had actually pulled the trigger and killed the German ambassador once he had begun threatening the Second Child.
Soon, the scents of unfamiliar dishes being prepared invaded her nostrils.
"My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that BITCH! He tells me every day!"
The sound of some English grunge-rock song allowed her to make her way to an appropriate hiding place and catch the fiery Red Devil herself swaying to the music while she cut vegetables and screamed some parts of the song with clear mirth and a surprisingly good accent, with clear emphasis on the curse words. Besides the loud music, there was the sound of things simmering in oil, the smell of ginger, and the festive red, green, blue and white decorations all over the wall's area; clear indications that Christmas had come.
Asuka had ordered a proper Christmas tree and enough decorations to make the dining area resemble a strip club celebrating New Year's Eve more than a military base, tons of ingredients for both German and Japanese specialties for every man, woman, child or patient who was to stay that day in their vicinity, and a game of Secret Santa under her direct rules for her circle of known people. It was hard to say no to Asuka's overly jovial mood, but it was even harder to say no to the way she had slightly faltered when addressing Misato and demanding clearance to follow through with her planning. It was seldom that Asuka ever asked for anything, let alone permission. In the girl's mind she was nothing more than a footnote next to Misato's love for Shinji; something to be easily discarded and ignored.
It broke her heart to know the girl's opinion was but a natural reaction of how useless as a guardian she had been. Seeing her so active, and swaying to music of all things, was more than a good enough reason to allow some slight mischief.
"Say no way, say no way-a, no waaa-aay, now now why don't you get a job?! Well I guess it ain't easy doing nothing at aaaaaaaall, oh yeaaa-aah! But hey man free rides just don't come aloo-ong… every day! My friend's got a boyfriend and she hates that DICK!"
Misato chortled at the girl's expense while the song continued. Sadly for her at least there was a sudden ding, and Asuka instantly lowered the volume, put on some oven mitts and extracted two trays from the oven. The enticing scent of gingerbread infested the entire hallway, forcing Misato to bite a cheek to stay hidden and not loot the delicious-smelling baked goods.
"Und jetzt noch ein bisschen Zimt… hmm nein, zu viel. Ach, da bist du. Na gut, jetzt zum Lebkuchen, die Torte und dann der Baka kann sich um die Gans kümmern..." (Now just a little cinnamon... hmm, nope, too much. Ah, there you are. Good, now the Lebkuchen, the cake, and then the idiot can take care of the goose.)
Misato propped herself against one of the concrete pillars, minding to keep her presence hidden from the redhead talking to herself in hushed German tones and preparing God knew what. The girl had taken it upon herself -partly, for Shinji was responsible for the main dish- to prepare a gigantic meal on Christmas, and another one to say farewell to the year. She had, however, demanded that they celebrate it the German way that year, then next year in the Japanese fashion, and so on and so forth. The girl seemingly had no intention of going to Germany unless it meant a short vacation. When asked why she had declined the ambassador's second offer; to leave Unit 02 in the government's possession and live a normal life in Germany, Asuka had merely replied there was nothing anchoring her to said country anymore, and that if they wanted to take Unit 02 to Germany, they were welcome to try.
Ironically enough, the Emperor had told Germany's Prime Minister the exact same thing.
"Ahh, na dann, perfekt!" Misato heard the girl exclaim in a juvenile, upbeat tone of voice. "Jetzt nur noch die Geschenke, das Ankommen Shinji's dumme Freunde und das Schweinefleisch!"
She recognized some of the words; Asuka had been overeager, nonetheless, to accept and claim the Ambassador's presents, or bribe. One of the most prized possessions in her inventory as of yet was a finely cut piece of pork, the origin and preparation of which were still a mystery to her, destined to be the New Year's Eve dinner. It was a bit strange that Asuka of all people would decide to cook, decorate and otherwise bother with the details of any celebration whatsoever.
And therein lay the reason why Misato observed the strangely sated, content teenager. Ever since the last episode of instability had come and gone Asuka had been… not as offensive as usual. If she didn't know any better Misato would have suspected the girl was once again using Shinji for sexual pleasure... or was actually in a good mood for once. Considering the fact that Shinji was acting goofy, shy and smiling at the very least once every couple of days, the first suspicion was crushed and left Misato with deep shame gnawing at her gut, and a pile of unanswered questions.
Just a few days before Asuka had been at the brink of destroying everything and now… she was so at ease, so… herself. She had not seen this side of Asuka in nigh on a year, and she had certainly scarcely seen 'Asuka the cook' in her life. Misato was immensely pleased and relieved for both her charges; they were both healthy and active, they occupied most of their days in training, synch tests, simulations, and cooking. They were happy… or so it seemed.
I can't help it, her mind provided with both regret and repressed anger. She almost killed Shinji. She almost killed herself. I just can't… stop… thinking that something horrible's gonna happen…
Then, the negative thoughts evaporated. "Asuka! Hi!" a voice rang out from the the hallway.
There were some quick footsteps through the nearly deserted area and then Shinji was there too, smiling sheepishly while he carried some sort of gigantic turkey or chicken, the origin of which would remain a mystery. Misato's left eye twitched when a sudden frown drew itself on Asuka's face, yet even from a distance it was clear the girl was pretending to be annoyed more than anything.
"B-Baka! Ich habe dich doch gestagt, nicht zu der Küche zu kommen! Was machst du denn hier?" Asuka exclaimed in what seemed like... embarrassment? Music was still coming from the speaker beside the sink, but at a lower volume. Was she actually witnessing this? Was Asuka behaving like a normal teen who wanted to do something nice for her boyfriend? Was the world ending again?
"I… umm…" the now perplexed Third Child tried, mulling over words he should not even understand. "Umm… Ent…schuldige?" When the redhead then flared up and actively glared at him, Shinji visibly flinched. Of course he was apologizing, in German at that. "Ich wollte… der…DIE! Umm… die Gans zu dir… b-bring?"
To Misato's surprise, a chortle escaped the girl's mouth and her serious façade was broken under the power of Shinji's terrible pronunciation. "Hey!" Shinji then shot back, face flushing. "Ich… versuche jetzt! Ich kann besser werden!"
Without a care for his apparent outrage, Asuka began laughing in earnest, going so far as having to hold her stomach. "Oh, Gott, I'm sorry Baka!" she managed between giggles, both switching to Japanese and… apologizing to Shinji…
What the fuck.
"It's just the accent, I swear! It keeps making me laugh!" Asuka said, barely able to stifle her constant giggling. "But… your grammar's getting a lot better. It's die Gans zu dir bringen, everything other than that was… c-correct." A hand over her mouth couldn't stop the snort of laughter. Then, after chuckling for a decent while more, there was that smile on her face again, that calm expression Misato had only ever seen when the kids were spooned together in their overly large bed, resembling a fused together, two-headed human more than two people. She desperately wanted to mingle with them; to be a part of whatever this healthy new form of interaction was, but for the life of her Misato could not interfere in the small scene of Shinji walking over to Asuka, and offering the large avian meal-to-be with a small, shy smile.
"I like to make you laugh," she heard the boy mutter to Asuka once they were at arms' length. "I think I'll stick to the shitty accent for now."
Asuka then placed a hand on his head and ruffled Shinji's brown locks with affection Misato had never seen her display before. Her face shone with a wolfish grin. "You just want an excuse to be lazy, don't you? Anyway, I told you I'd be handling this while you flavor that giant, hormone-filled thing in the pan."
"Ah… um…" Shinji muttered. "It's not hormone-filled. Horaki-san's big sister knows this guy who's been raising these for eight months… umm, you know, to sell? So I asked her if I could buy one but then she told the guy it was for you and, well…"
Misato couldn't see Asuka's face, but she figured the girl would be raising an eyebrow right now. She had decided to teach Rei and Asuka some new hairstyles after the incident with Rei's nightmare and her sudden reluctance to visit the Commander, so now Asuka was sporting a large, intricately made braid that left some large bangs falling on her face, but kept most of her long hair out of the way while she worked. "Huh? What do you mean?"
Shinji shrugged. "I guess it's kinda like… a gift? I did insist on paying, though."
More astounding than anything was seeing how Asuka's hand was now resting on Shinji's shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "You're an idiot, if it's a gift you shouldn't have insisted, you know."
"B-But that's how he makes his living, a-and this was his biggest one!" Shinji replied, looking adorably chastised. "I couldn't just… take it!"
Both of Asuka's hands then clasped Shinji's face, but not in a violent, possessive way in which she dug her nails into his skin, snarled, and whispered he was hers; no, she was holding his face in her hands and… patting his cheek? Just… just what in the fuck.
"You're too nice," said Asuka, then turned back to working on whatever special sort of bread she had been baking, leaving Shinji's face colored crimson and his legs wobbly. A sincere compliment? Did Ritsuko drug me this morning? Huh. I wonder if she actually knows the effect she has on him and does those things on purpose just to keep him out of balance. "And you're breaking the agreement! I told you I'd handle everything but the main dish! You were decorating the hallway just now, weren't you?"
Shinji scratched his head and offered another sheepish grin. Two smiles in one day? Are they actually having sex like a regular couple? Did I miss something here?
"H-Hai! Sorry..."
"Hmph, you just wanna show me up, don't ya?" Asuka snapped out in a playful voice.
Is she… teasing him? Thoroughly perplexed, Misato continued to eavesdrop on the exchange, even knowing she was already late to her meeting with the Prime Minister and the newly-appointed JSDF Supreme General. "Sit still and stop cleaning or cooking for once."
"It was just some of those fluffy green, blue and white plastic thingies," Shinji replied, sounding like his old, unbroken self in a very, very slight way. "They look nice on the walls; they give the place a bit of… umm…"
"Life?" suggested Asuka. It was still strange to see the girl wearing an apron, Shinji's apron at that, or Shinji's shirts in the morning. When had that started, exactly?
"Yeah!" Shinji said with clear enthusiasm. "And… umm, I know you really like red, and that Rei-chan doesn't." Misato noticed the girl's shoulder tense for a fraction of a second. "It was really nice of you to…umm," he gave a nervous cough, "limit the decorations in red like you did…"
The shoulders tightened even more, but to Misato's surprise and strange disappointment Asuka did not react in any visibly aggressive way; she simply took a deep breath which came out in the form of an unrecognizable growl and started cutting some sort of white cabbage. "Ugh, it's not like I care what she likes, Shinji; I just have precious limited red decorations as it is, that's all."
"Still, it was nice of you. Thanks."
There must have been something in the way he was looking at Asuka to affect her in some way; the girl's shoulders shuddered ever so slightly. "D-Don't thank me for stupid stuff like that, Dummkopf! Just… J-Just come on here already and help me dissect this big, nuclear-fed bird, if you insist on helping."
"Sure!"
Of course, Shinji was more than eager to take part in the process of preparing their main course. Her little family was not the only one to celebrate the festivities; Ritsuko had ensured that all of the cooking staff who would be working on the merry days instead of being with their families not only ate well, but got paid more as well. As far as bosses went, the feared 'Blonde Bitch' was not so bad.
"Umm, do we work with a recipe here… or…?"
"Yeah, actually. It's over there stuck to the third shelf, nope, the one on the right. That one!"
She saw Shinji go over the words he found in a small, arranged note on said shelf. "Hmm, this looks very nice… huh? Asuka, do we have apples? And, do you think we could add just a bit of honey to this?"
"Of course we do, dummy. Fourth shelf to the left, behind the wheat flour, there's some honey there, I actually need it for my Lebkuchen. The apples are in that blue bag, that one. Just another present from that asshole Ambassador, hehe."
"Oh, great! Found it! And… so, umm... why did you throw your soda at him again?"
Because he insulted you, Misato's mind provided with ease. She had been present after all. He said you were a danger to yourself and others, and a criminal. And guilty for Third Impact. And then she got up and poured her soda over his head. I don't think I've ever heard so many insults be delivered with such… class before.
"Eh? Ugh, can you believe that self-entitled bastard wanted to bribe me?! He thinks I'm the same little girl NERV cooked up in Germany, and not a college graduate! I know exactly why they want me back! Who wouldn't want a giant god-like behemoth protecting their shores? Do you know the hundreds of billions they could make by studying 2.0, treating her like a guinea pig and patenting whatever they manage to sell? And as if I'm too stupid to know that they're just gonna lock me up in some huge cage and call it a house, then sell me off like cattle to the highest bidder! If they want my services as pilot, they can very well pay me for it, but I won't affiliate myself with any freaking government, you hear me? Treating me like I'm some impressionable child, I swear to you…"
"Oh… that wasn't nice of him."
"No, Shinji, he's not nice. He's an Arschloch with power, that's all."
"Haha, that's a bad word, right?"
"I guess you could say that, Baka… But enough about him, how much thyme are you putting in there anyway?"
"Umm, the recipe says two teaspoon but this goose is kinda… big. Can I-"
"Just do your thing," Asuka replied. "Try to follow the recipe I guess, but cook the way you usually do." A pause and afterwards, the unthinkable. "Uh, please."
"T-Thanks! I will! You'll see, it'll taste great!"
"I know that, Baka! That's why you're doing the main dish! Everything else can taste like crap as long as you don't screw up that goose!"
"Umm… so no pressure, right?"
"No pressure!"
Misato's disappointment evaporated at some point during Asuka's tirade, and some sort of warm and stifling sensation started to force the stirring of tears threatening to spill. She's using his name now, too. Often, without even sounding demeaning. And he's responding. He's not just sitting there nodding dumbly, he's making an effort to read between the lines. They're having a normal conversation and cooking together, this... Some unknown weight, about the same as Unit 02, Unit 01 and that giant angel who thrown itself at the planet combined, dropped off her shoulders in an instant. This means…
Her knees were giving out.
Misato slowly slid to the floor, trying to take deep, cautious breaths. Almost two years… she pondered. Soon the sensation of teeth biting the inside of her cheek was about the only thing keeping the tears at bay.
She was late to the meeting. She apologized profusely, and invented excuses out of thin air, lying in such a perfect way that even Ritsuko herself believed it. She wasn't sorry, though. Not in the slightest.
Phase one completed; total success.
December the 24th, 2016. NERV Dining Area. 10.55pm
Watching the group rapidly descend into chaos, laughter, music, and alcohol, Asuka could not help but congratulate herself. Not only had the attendees taken the time to get properly dressed for the occasion, each family had brought their own food to be added to the pile, and as expected with Misato in attendance, formality had left the building quite early.
Dinner had been fantastic.
There was music, happy people with full bellies, friends, strangers, all singing old Japanese songs with a broken-down karaoke machine the Blonde Bitch had provided from Gods knew where. The drinks had started pouring down since four in the afternoon, and for three hours all but the underage had drank like fishes in the ocean. Even Misato had been allowed to get plastered, after an apologetic and pathetically childish puppy look she had driven Shinji's way. Both Kensuke's stern father and the eldest Suzuhara girl had quickly gotten so inebriated they had to be carried back to their respective apartments long before the gift exchange began or the goose had been skeletonized. Around them patients, nurses, doctors and regular workers drank, ate, sung, and celebrated.
It felt like Christmas for the first time in over eleven years.
Shinji's take on the goose had been better than the original recipe; since the cooking staff had taken it upon themselves to emulate said dish and partake in the Germanized celebrations it was clear for all to taste that the boy's version simply had more… soul. Asuka's treat for the entire day had been no training except for synchronized sparring and a test to congratulate 2.0, the authority to dictate when certain food was served, and the satisfaction of realizing the food she had prepared had been not only accepted, but also wolfed down with ferocity. Even the idiot's stupid sister had been unable to resist coming back for more helpings of the vegetarian lasagna so apparently beloved during Asuka's birthday. Later on, when the moment was right, Asuka would reveal it had been her to prepare it and not Shinji, if only to see the younger Ikari's reaction.
Her biggest treat, however, was being Shinji's gift-giver; she had been preparing herself for it mentally ever since he had placed his gift around her neck. The chain was cold, doing a wonderful job of erasing the memory of warm hands trying to crush her windpipe, and brought about the image of a boy smiling shyly at her.
Under her specific instructions they had played the game Secret Santa; Shinji had been dutifully committed to finding a proper present for his sister, Misato was in charge of Shigeru, Maya and Ritsuko had to get a gift for each other, Makoto was in charge of the Sub-Commander, Rei was in charge of her, and the Baka was her responsibility. As per her custom, the gifts were to be opened that same night, and on the 25th they would all meet again and have a day's celebration full with both lunch and dinner -which Shinji would be preparing, of course- accompanied by some more music and perhaps a bit less alcohol.
It was very rare that the people in the Geofront got to relax, especially with the incoming threat hanging over their heads, so why not enjoy and drink and yell for seven days straight? It all seemed logical in her head. Even better, the event itself had been fun. Perhaps on New Year's Eve she would be able to sneak some alcohol into Rei, take a good picture with the plastered girl and then send it to her friends as a postcard.
By eleven at night everyone was singing "Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht" with the karaoke and doing a most horrendous take at it, but still, the music got to her somehow.
She remembered her mother, freshly baked gingerbread, a gentle smile, and sang along.
"Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht! Hirten erst kundgemacht... Durch der Engel Halleluja. Tönt es laut von fern und nah: Christ, der Retter ist da, Christ, der Retter ist da..."
The group was swaying with the melody, either hand-in-hand or with arms around each other's shoulders, having given up on singing in a language they barely understood, and then there was just her voice and the gentle swaying. The person to the right of Asuka seemed paralyzed, however, and was most definitely not cooperating with the graceful slow dance. As the last notes of the melody evaporated in the air and a roar of drunken cheers and cups filled with champagne filled the room, Asuka noticed what so stubbornly held her in place.
Shinji was petrified beside her, cobalt eyes wide as in some sort of trance or shock, his mouth somewhat agape. The skin on his face was ever so slightly flushed, but what disturbed her was the way he was just… looking at her. She tugged at his stiff hand, feeling uncomfortable.
"What?" she asked with practiced spite, so as to hide her growing concern. Shinji refused to even blink. Is he having another flashback? What did I do to trigger it? Is he okay? "What is it, Baka? Did I suddenly grow a mustache or something?"
Shinji then blinked, to her relief, closed his mouth and opened it again, as if unsure of what to say, or how to speak for that matter. "Ah… it's just… umm," he began while he slowly reverted back to his normal self and hunched ever so slightly. "I don't think I've ever heard you sing like that before," he commented sheepishly, cheeks now clearly colored. "You… umm." He came just a bit closer, and whispered in her ear. His breath tickled, and it sent a shiver down her snipe. "You looked… beautiful, is all… I couldn't believe it…"
Now it was her who was blushing, not that Shinji was faring any better. Inwardly, she felt somewhat comforted by the fact that nearly everyone was pissed out drunk, including Kensuke who had been gracefully provided two shots of sake and had promptly sang, danced, retched, and fallen unconscious. Hikari was busy smashing face with the monkey Stooge, Rei had disappeared to Gods knew where about five minutes before, and Misato was snoring lightly on her chair. Nobody with a clear head had noticed a thing. The singing continued with some Japanese pop-classics, with drunken hollering filling the area.
"What?" she asked again, noticing how Shinji was now stealing shy glances at her. "What do you mean you couldn't believe it?"
He fidgeted even more, blushing deep crimson. For the longest time the insecurity and impatience corroded her insides, for he chose that moment to fall into a stubborn silence and apparently now found the ground extremely fascinating. Stop, came the angry voice from deep within. Wait, just… give him time to collect his thoughts. Don't be a bitch. Not today.
At last, Shinji took a deep breath and opened his eyes, which were somehow a tone darker under the dim light when they made contact with hers. Determined. Steel. It made her shudder. "You looked like an angel, a real one," he confessed, smiling. He took her hand; when had she lost motor skills or control, exactly? "I just couldn't believe you were real for a second there, that's all."
It was Shinji's way of saying he was admiring her beauty, and why oh why wasn't it so very convenient that she understood the meaning behind his words. "W-Well," she managed, and tried to scowl at the karaoke machine. "You better believe it, Ba-Ka." She lifted their intertwined hands, somehow admiring the way the skin around his knuckles was a bit rougher than before, courtesy of all the knuckle push-ups he did on a daily basis. She noticed the dark circle imprinted on the skin above the wrist, placed her fingers in the circle's center, and pinched.
"Ow!" he exclaimed. "What the h-"
"Felt that, right? See, I'm real." She gave him a sunny smile and, pleased at the way Shinji's stiff body quickly turned into soft clay, she tugged at his hand. "Let's go to bed, Ba-Ka."
"Uh… H-Hai…" Shinji replied, numbly aware he was being dragged back to their sleeping quarters. Of course, she had been a fool before, not knowing what simply being nice to Shinji could achieve; lately, however, she could not help but marvel at the way the boy also lost his motor functions whenever she offered just a shred of honest kindness toward him. His guard would lower, his armor would be undone. The trauma, the sadness would melt and then he was turned into a taller, healthier version of the boy she had met on the Over The Rainbow.
The planning alone for her supposed 'gift' to Shinji terrified her. What she feared more than the possibilities themselves was the thought of him rejecting it. She hoped against hope he was in a deep enough trance to not notice just how sweaty her palm was becoming, or how she was gulping down the fear with every step taken in the direction of their bedroom. Hey now, I'm the Great Sohryu Asuka Langley, I'll be damned if I'm afraid.
Strange, how everyone had been happy to open their presents yet Shinji had not once bothered to ask where his was. "Hey, Baka," she called from the bathroom while they both changed their formal garments into something more comfortable. "How come you didn't ask where your present was?"
Rei had ever so graciously gifted her a pair of hair clips which resembled her neural connectors to a T, knowing perfectly well the redhead had grown out of the custom of constantly wearing them around the time they had gotten their apartment back. Cunning little blue-haired bitch, got me right in the pride. The idiot, for his part, had not only helped Rei give her temporary home a bit more color and decoration after her nightmare, he had gone to the Commander. Since Rei basically did not exist on the record, Ritsuko had easily fabricated and implanted a certain bit of data in the Government's mainframe. For all intents and purposes, with a positive blood test to support their claim, Shinji and Rei were now siblings. Of course someone like him wouldn't stop there, so in the gift exchange he had presented her with a golden bracelet with her name on it. Even though the girl had no concept of the value of jewelry nor cared to find out, Shinji had explained that it was hers, her bracelet; something she could later pass down to a child. A family heirloom. Real smooth, slick Baka-Shinji.
"Huh?" Shinji replied from inside the room. In the bathroom and away from his prying eyes, Asuka sought to make herself as… alluring as possible without actually wearing lingerie or just a shirt and panties; Shinji would most definitely react badly to it. "Ah… I honestly forgot! Everyone was having so much fun that it slipped my mind, I guess."
She huffed loud enough for him to hear. "Ugh, you are incorrigible. Check behind your cello case, you dolt."
"Eh? Oh, okay!"
A predatory grin grew on her face, momentarily banishing the crushing dread in the pit of her stomach. There was the sound of shuffling when Shinji found the small, neatly arranged gift stuffed behind the aged instrument. It had to be hidden there; the gift consisted of Shinji's recently repaired SDAT, Bram's Sonata for Cello in B Minor amongs three new classical tapes she had procured over the months, and a small notebook with scores for ten new songs for him to practice, right out of Yo-Yo Ma's personal favorites.
"Oh… Oh!" Victory. That's what you get for messing with me, Baka. "My SDAT! And… what? No way… it works! And this… wow! Yo-Yo Ma? That's just… how… how did you even find these tapes?" The grin widened. She put the pink shirt on, the one that clung to her skin, a pair of small blue shorts, and let her hair loose. "I-I mean… I never even knew they still made these tapes! And the scores! I…!"
"Stop being so dramatic, Baka!" she snapped while pouring a small amount of lotion on her shoulders. "I was getting bored of the same old pieces every day, so I thought I'd broaden your repertoire. That SDAT thingy really working again?"
"Hai!"
"Good! Now," said Asuka, taking a deep breath to calm her aching nerves. "That gift comes with a condition, same as that music player I got for you. You can't just shut out the world with them, okay?!"
"H-Hai! I won't!" More shuffling, then the sound of Shinji laying in bed. The moment was drawing near. The music was, after all, only the first part of her gift. The time of reckoning was upon her, and Asuka would not flee. "But still… how… I thought my SDAT was a goner…"
I know how, despite everything, you love that little black box, Baka. I couldn't let it just there and collect dust. "Well, that did take some time to fix; you can go and thank Shigeru for having a friend who's an enthusiast of all this old tech you like so much."
"Uh… really? I'll thank Shigeru-san tomorrow! W-Wait, did you actually go look for him and asked him for some help?" Her teeth ground against each other; why did he always have to inquire about every damn detail? I literally asked every person in this freaking tower but him for a week, Baka.
"T-That's none of your business!" Asuka retorted, adamantly against revealing any more compromising information. "You're not supposed to ask details about gifts, you know." Using his own words against him, she managed to halt him from asking any more details.
"Sor-… umm, so… can I apologize for being an idiot now?"
A snort of laughter escaped Asuka's lips despite her best efforts. "You may," she said with pride.
"Sorry!" Genius extraordinaire and it took me almost two years to realize the idiot actually means it. She was procrastinating in a most spectacular fashion, of course, brushing her hair when it was already as lustrous as it ever was to get. The second part of her gift was a compromise she had made with herself, 2.0, and Shinji, only he did not know about it just yet. It was time for deliverance, for justice. On Christmas. It has to be this way. It has to be; I need to do this. I need to let him know it's okay. Ikuhayo, Asuka.
She exited the bathroom with resolution and defiance, both of which promptly evaporated in seconds under Shinji's gaze. There wasn't anything special with her outfit; she wore a set of homey, comfortable clothes that happened to hug her frame in the right places and had brought that far-away look right back to the idiot's features.
"Uhh…" Shinji stared dead ahead, crimson rising to his face. The day had been so positive in every way; the meal had probably been the best in his life, his friends, sister, guardian, and Asuka had celebrated with him, eaten with him, exchanged gifts and smiles. To top it all off, he had never thought he could use the SDAT again, nor had he put any serious thought into learning new songs. His train of thought had been laser focused on the raw awesomeness of the young girl who chose to sleep beside him, the one who dragged him along while she set the road on fire, and then it was derailed completely in the most violent, spectacular fashion. "Uhh…"
Asuka stood before him with her hair down; the fiery locks cascaded down her shoulders with that orange hue he was transfixed with. There was certainly much more skin to see, as well. Her long, perfect legs extended impossibly before his gaze and despite his best efforts, Shinji could not keep his eyes from the curvature of her hip, the gentle swell of her breasts or the creamy nature of her skin. He gulped. He gaped. He was paralyzed. She would… dress like this at times, at those times. His brain ceased all functions and for once not even the Beast had a sarcastic commentary or a well-aimed kick in the butt to restart his brain.
"Uhh…" He gulped again. His throat was suddenly dry as the desert.
From Asuka's perspective, she realized Shinji had seldom, if ever, stared at her as intensely as he was doing then, which in turn arouse the deep fire in her navel, forcing her to shift her weight and feel a growing sense of self-consciousness. Shinji's desire for her was all but palpable in the most literal fashion.
"I…" she began, swallowing the newest lump of fear that threatened to stifle her. "I told you your present was for last because… it's something you can reject. It's something that only you can either accept or refuse, so… here I go." She managed to grab his attention it seemed, for Shinji's darkened eyes stopped ogling and actually focused on her face.
"A-Asuka?" he asked, sounding nervous himself. She took a deep breath. "What ar-"
"Rememberwhenyoumasturbatedtomycomatosebodythatonetime?!"
To her displeasure, Shinji's gaze was instantly clouded in fear and agony. I'm sorry, she thought with guilt crushing her heart. It's just a second, I promise. I promise.
Shinji looked down at the mattress, his hand clutched against the sheets. "I remember," he mumbled. To the redhead's surprise, he carried on. "I masturbated over you and then… it made me feel realize I was the lowest of the low… I did that to you. I did, and it makes me-"
"You're not," she cut him off again, catching him off guard. Once more, with furtive glances akin to those a man would throw at his executioner, she saw him shake ever so lightly. "You're not the lowest of the low. You're everything but that. And I know how it made you feel; trust me, I know. The only reason I brought this up, and the only reason I'd ever bring it up again is to tell you that I forgive you."
Shinji's heart must have stopped beating at that precise moment; he could not even breathe. The actual dread of having today be a dream or some fabricated reality was beginning to crawl into his conscious mind. How else was the current situation to be explained, then? The burning sensation on his chest for not breathing felt quite real. "I… wha-"
"I forgive you. And I forgive you for not being there when the EVA Series came. And I forgive you for being an idiot. I forgive you. I'll say it from now on as many times as it takes for you to get it through your thick skull." She ignored the need to hit something, or the need to run, and she especially ignored the raw need to jump on Shinji and kiss him and have him ravage her in the most savage of ways. There was a plan to be followed, after all. "Okay? I forgive you."
"Y…" Shinji started. To her shock, the boy raised his left hand, the one she had been holding and pinching, and slapped himself hard on the face.
"What the hell, Baka?!"
"S-Sorry! I just needed to make sure I was awake for a second…"
"What?! I'm telling you something serious here and you think you're asleep!?" Despite the self-consciousness, there was also pure embarrassment coloring her face.
"No!" he replied, equally flustered. "I-I just wasn't expecting… well…! Ah… Arrg! I don't even know what to say now!"
"Gee, I don't know, how about 'Acknowledged, Asuka' or something along those lines! Don't just sit there and gape like a fish! I mean it! You hear me?" In seconds, she had crawled into bed with him, to which he reacted strangely by not moving away on instinct. She grabbed his hand again. "I mean it, Shinji. Okay? For everything you think you did, for everything I said… you did, I forgive you."
Shinji quieted again, making Asuka's impatience flare. After what felt like an eternity, she felt a tug on her hand.
"R-Really?" he asked, seemingly to himself. "You… you do?"
"I do," Asuka replied with resolution. "And this is not a dream. Tomorrow, or rather later today… when we wake up, it'll still be reality. Third Impact will still have happened. The world will still be the shithole we remember. I'll still have done all those things to you. And it'll be the world we live in. And I'll have forgiven you."
"I…" Shinji mumbled, staring dumbly at their joined hands. "I don't deserve to be-"
"Don't even think about saying that," she growled, applying actual force to draw his eyes back to her. "Don't. I don't ever want to hear that again. I said it for months, and I was wrong. I knew I was wrong from the start, I knew it. You deserve to hear those words, as many times as you need. As many times as you want."
"Why…?" he wondered aloud, feeling so utterly out of place and flabbergasted the words automatically spewed from his mouth. "Why do I suddenly deserve to hear those words? From… from you of all… umm… of all people?"
"Because just as you're an idiot, I'm stubborn and stupid," she admitted. "When 2.0 mentioned that… clone of yours… showing her just a fraction of what you went through… I realized that what I did was the worst thing I could possibly do. I knew it was, and I did it. No, wait," she realized he was about to interrupt her, so Asuka tugged at his hand and stared into his eyes. "Wait. I did, I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I know you did bad things… but I forgive you for them. I… forgave you a long, long time ago, and I never worked up the courage to say it. I'm sorry."
Shinji shook his head, fingers tightening around her hand. "You don't ever have to apologize to me, Asuka."
"I have to; you're just an idiot who doesn't accept it. But that's okay," she added, and rested her forehead against his. "I forgive you for that too."
It happened. She was so close to him that when Shinji's body suddenly lost balance and almost collapsed on her, she realized an indescribable burden had just been shaken from his mind and heart, forcing his body to momentarily shut down.
"Y…You mean it?" he asked in a voice so tiny and quiet it was hard to hear, even so close. "You really mean it?"
Despite herself, Asuka smiled. "I do. I mean it. I'll say it so much you'll be bored of it, like me with your constant apologizing."
"Sorry," Shinji said out of reflex. A sudden pinch on his arm flared. "Ow!"
"Ba-Ka." She took a gentle hold of his head, knowing well it was incredibly hard for Shinji to ever initiate physical contact with anyone, even her. "I forgive you."
Shinji inhaled, most likely now aware of the lotion she was wearing, and suddenly both his arms had encircled her shoulders and were crushing her against his body in the most desperate way.
"T-Thank you," he muttered; she heard his voice break at the end. "Thank you…"
"Shh…" Asuka allowed her own arms to snake around his body; she relished in the feeling of actual muscle mass under her palms; hard-worked, healthy muscle instead of skin and bones. He was healthy again. They stayed like that for a while, until she felt Shinji begin to shift somewhat uncomfortably; he was probably done convincing himself it was in fact, reality and yes, he was alive and awake.
"Are you okay, Baka?" she asked softly, nudging him in the way he used to do to her. "Feeling a little better now?"
"A-Ah, yeah…" He released the vice-like grip around her shoulders and sat somewhat upright. "Sorry about th-... ugh, I'm… you know what? I'm better now, thanks."
She smirked at his response, patting the boy's forearm. "Sure. I forgive you. Dolt."
Shinji's lips twitched and turned into a hesitant smile. "If you say it so much I might actually believe you."
"Good." On to phase two. "Now that we've cleared that up, I told you your present would come in two parts. And no, me forgiving you is not the second part. I…" She stood, albeit a bit stiffly and tried to offer the most confident pose her own uncertainty allowed. "So, this is the second part of your Weihnachtsgesckenk… Tonight, and tomorrow night … if… if you want, you can… I mean…" Come on, phase two, let's go! You can't half-ass this right now! "You can ask for whatever you want."
Shinji blinked at her, still sitting and now looking thoroughly perplexed. "Huh?"
"What I meant to say is that… you can ask me to do anything… umm… anything, and I'll do it. I won't even ask why, I won't yell at you. You can ask me any question you want, and I'll answer it to the best of my capabilities. You can even hit me, and I won't fight you back."
"What?" Shinji snapped, perplexed and a bit angry. "Why would I ever hit you, Asuka? ...Wait," she saw the exact moment when recognition and understanding climbed on his gaze. "Is this… Oh."
"Yeah," she answered without pause. You have to do this. Nobody will punish you for what you've done because he won't let them. Me punishing myself is not enough. "But that's not the reason behind this," she admitted after a few seconds of silence. "Not all of it, anyway. I want you to do what you want… I want you to understand that it's okay and that I won't judge you or refuse. I won't even be sad if there's nothing you want me to do, or if there's nothing you want to ask. I'll understand that too, and nothing needs to change. We can go to bed and forget about all of it, and I won't be mad. I promise. I wish I had something better to offer but all I have is… myself. And that's your gift."
He stared at her for the longest time, then slowly crept closer, dragging what appeared to be stiff limbs over the mattress with a dark, strangely predatory gleam in his eye. Once he was just feet away from her standing form, she saw him take a deep breath and prepared herself.
"Do…" Shinji began, making a very clear effort to focus on her eyes. "Do you trust me?"
"With my life," she replied instantly, never breaking eye contact.
"Good," he said, voice lowering in tone ever so slightly. She shivered again. "You smell like… cinnamon and ginger today."
Asuka blushed, barely managed to blink. "Ah, yeah. I got some… lotion from Russia. And I was baking gingerbread today. Do… do you like it?"
"Yes," Shinji breathed, then hesitated. His eyes passed over to the floor, her feet and ultimately back to her face. "C-Can I touch you?"
"Of course," she managed. Why was his voice so deep all of the sudden? "W…Wherever you want."
"O… Okay," he took another deep breath, curling his hands into fists. "Could you p-please… umm… take off your shirt… j-just for a moment?"
She was transfixed under his low, hypnotizing gaze. "Huh? Um, right." She inwardly worried that he'd ask her to get naked all at once, as she had before, yet still took off the garment with slow caution, and was surprised to see the boy was even more enticed by her deliberate prolongation of the inevitable. The soft fabric of the shirt hit the ground, and she stood with her blue and black top to him.
Shinji's right hand shot up from the mattress so fast it startled them both, pausing just beside her waist when she faintly flinched. She noticed he was in fact not staring at her breasts as was to be expected, but was instead inspecting the skin around her stomach with ferocious scrutiny. His fingertips grazed the skin around her oblique, prodding with some strength behind them, and all of Asuka's skin turned to gooseflesh. A shot of electricity shot through her when his hand properly held her waist and traced imaginary lines around her bellybutton, abdomen, and the base of her stomach. Realization crashed; he was tracing down her scars.
"I can't…" she heard him mumble. "I can't tell the difference, anymore."
"Yeah," Asuka agreed, and forced her own right arm to move and place her fingers on his head. She scratched his scalp with her fingernails in a slow fashion, earning a low growl from his throat which only served to send a third shiver down her spine. "They're almost gone now."
"Hmm," he remarked, eyes clouded. "That feels… really…good…"
She allowed her fingers to slowly extend around his head, and just as unhurriedly dig her nails gently into his skin. "Good to know, B-Baka…"
She saw him close his eyes and suddenly his arm was around her rear. Asuka couldn't help but yelp in surprise when Shinji basically pulled her towards him and planted his face in the base of her stomach without warning, breathing deep while his palm lay flush on her upper back. A sudden rush of tenderness shot through her. He was acting animalistic again, driven by instinct more than words or thoughts; this was the part of him she had first found attractive after meeting him. He's like… a wolf… when he's like this. He's nuzzling his mate, memorizing her scent to the tiniest detail. Even during their fighting simulations with Unit 02 she had noticed the way his mind worked under situations of extreme stress. Whereas her mind barked 'low, opening to the right, left heel kick, pivot, dodge, elbow, punch, knee, kick', Shinji's mind simply roared 'ATTACK, CRUSH, ENEMY, RIP OUT, STRANGLE.
Her left arm cradled his head while both hands lost themselves in the boy's brown locks. She had expected him to throw her onto the bed, shame her, have his way with her for once, make her do everything she had done and double it, but all Shinji did as the minutes ticked by was touch her, skin on skin, with his cheek pressed firmly against her abdomen and his arms holding her lower back with a strength she knew he possessed but rarely displayed.
"You smell nice…" he whispered after a long while. What time was it again?
"Thanks," she murmured back, gently massaging his scalp. "I like the way you smell, too." Hey, stop. Those details were not part of the plan. "Makes me feel at home." Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! Backpedal, Asuka, backpedal NOW! "You smell like wood and spices." DAMN IT!
"I like it when you wear my shirts," Shinji confessed. His calloused hands gently traced lines around the small of her back, forcing renewed unwanted spasms around her body. "You look… sexy. I-I mean you always do, it's just… umm…"
Wolfie likes his mate to smell like him too, hmm? Gonna bite me to mark me as yours next, Baka? Why did the thought excite her? "That's also good to know."
"Could you, umm… put mine on?" It was a strange question, one which almost killed her mood, but then remembering she was dealing with a more primal form of Shinji, decided not to press the issue and keep to her word.
"Yeah."
He took his shirt off, a large gray one he had been wearing the past few nights due to the cold. It was one she preferred to sleep under; the soft, but somewhat rough cloth material felt nice against her cheek. Shinji dumbly handed the shirt over to her and took another one sitting next to his night-stand, putting it on in a mechanic fashion without once dropping his gaze from her. She followed suit, extending her arms playfully in the overly-large shirt.
"There," she said, smirking. "How does it look?" Satisfied, Baka? You gonna bite me now? You can, you know. I'd like that. When we go back to school I could show it off and let all the boys know they have no chance whatsoever.
"Uhh…" She was both surprised and relieved he was not drooling, but he seemed plenty satisfied. "That looks… umm… really hot." She was really craving that bite right about now, but apparently Shinji had other plans. "O-Okay… you trust me, right?"
"Of course I do, Baka," she answered at once, spinning to give her a full body check of her wearing his preferred shirt. "With my life."
"Okay." He sprung to his feet then, surprising her, and stiffly walked to the other side of the room. "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time, now. I totally screwed this up the first time by being an idiot, so… I'll take this chance."
"W-What do you mean?" she asked, suddenly a bit frightened of whatever he had in mind. "The first time? What's that all about?" Oh Gods he's gonna do it, he's gonna… do it with me. Holy shit, holy shit holy shit. What do I do…. What do I do?!
"C-Could you close your eyes, please?" he said, sounding sheepish. Close my eyes? Fine, whatever you say, Baka. Maybe you want to mark me now. The thought made her snicker slightly despite the stress corroding her shoulders.
"Sure," she said, and did as requested. Feels weird to do this. Doesn't really feel like me, all this obeying thing, and the Baka probably noticed too. Still, I promised. I'll do whatever I have to do, and it won't change how I feel about him. It won't.
She heard him shuffle and slowly make his way toward her. "Y-You brushed your teeth, right?" he asked, sounding a bit unsure of himself. You don't mean to tell me… Gott… Shinji…
"Uh huh," she offered, lids tightly closed. "I did."
"Good." His body heat was next to hers, and she could distinctly feel the soft caress of his breath on her nose and cheeks. "Then here I come."
And he kissed her. She never got to say how his breath still tickled.
She had felt something akin before, that one time she had pecked him on the lips before her first synch test, but the bolts of lightning coursing through her veins were definitely something new, as was the feeling of his hands gently holding her hips, keeping her in place. She realized it was nothing like her possessive, bestial kisses yet it carried just as much fire within it. Shinji's lips ever so delicately applied more pressure to pry hers open, and their kiss deepened. Her body reacted on instinct and entangled her fingers in his hair, her body pressed flush against his and her fingernails dug a little deeper in his scalp. He responded in kind; she could feel his left hand curl into a fist and an even deeper growl emanate from deep in his belly. For the longest time the both swayed to no music but their joined bodies and lips, heartbeats beating at unison.
Asuka had forgotten to breathe, so when the burning started to reach her chest, she broke away, eyes wide and glazed, only to stare at an equally bewildered and positively flushed Shinji. They stared at one another until reason and the ability to speak returned, both still holding the other tightly.
"Wow…" Asuka mumbled; her heart threatened to bust out her chest. "That was… a lot better than the first…"
"Y-Yeah…" Shinji managed, thoroughly unable to get his body to move. "W-Wow… umm did I… do it right this time?"
Asuka blinked, still panting. "I-I guess you could say that," she said, but noticed her eyes were stuck on Shinji's lips and she was moving forward without her meaning to. "Let's try that again…"
And she kissed him.
She had half-expected him to push her away; half-expected herself to just mash mouths together in a violent manner similar to the way she had done before, but her body somehow knew what to do. Asuka slowly crept closer to Shinji, as if inviting him, getting close close enough to feel her nose touching his and allowing Shinji to close the gap between them. The dreadful insects danced and slammed themselves together in her gut, the feeling of Shinji's possessive hold tightening on her form just brought about yet another tremor down her whole body.
At some point the Third Child's not-so-gentle pushing had them both fall on the bed, which did not deter either from breaking the kiss. If anything, once her back hit the mattress she felt Shinji's hands slide ever so slowly down, then back up, caressing her while his lips took furtive, small kisses from her lips and then planted themselves on her with defiance. Asuka's nails dug into the skin of his back when the boy's erection nudged her inner thigh, a sudden bolt of lightning forcing both her legs to trap his midsection. She felt his left hand shoot up and grip her cheek, only to entangle itself in her hair a second after.
Then the fear kicked in, and it was promptly ignored.
It was simultaneous for them both; Shinji pushed himself deeper into her embrace, making contact with her moist shorts, and forced a shudder of unbidden pleasure to run through her, accompanied by what was probably the first true, quiet moan she had ever produced. She felt his hands go still, felt his lips disengage from where they'd been planting kisses down her neck and his whole body went rigid, and then he groaned in ecstasy as his hand gripped her hair and skin with renewed passion. The panic was making her heart drum like the double bass of a metal band, but some weird, animalistic side of her which had not been present during their previous sexual encounters grumbled from within, and used her voice.
"S-Shinji? I-I…" she said shakily, legs quivering when Shinji thrust once more into her damp clothes and underwear. "I need you to bite me. Right now." Mark me. I'm yours, and you're mine. Draw blood, make a new scar; let fucking everybody in this world know that I'm all yours. "Do it," she pleaded, feeling dangerously close to climax while Shinji continued to brush his also damp midsection against hers. "Please."
"Are you… sure…?" she heard him pant while his right hand groped her breast firmly, truly, for the first time. The contact ever through the fabric and underwear made her legs quiver.
"Yes," she heard herself say. Mark me, now. She was dangerously close, and by the urged look on his flushed face, so was he. "Do it."
She felt him begin to move in a soft, continuous rhythm that had his erection caressing her clitoris and forcing her legs to quake like jelly. The hand holding her hair curled into a fist, and it almost made her lose her mind. Asuka was uncertain of whether she was dealing with Shinji or the dark thing locked inside him, but found herself realizing she did not much care. It was, after all, a part of him. His right hand stretched her shirt's neck until the fabric was ripping and complaining, not once ceasing his gentle dance. He found the spot where her shoulder met the clavicle; kissed it a few times, every kiss sloppier than the next, and then an explosion occurred.
Both their bodies convulsed against the other. To stifle his own groan of pleasure she felt Shinji dig his teeth deep into the skin near her shoulder with both savagery and care. Asuka, for her part, managed to grasp a piece of the boy's fresh shirt between her teeth and moan loudly against his nape, legs holding him down like a vice. Her insides turned to liquid fire; the pressure building inside her was released and her eyes almost rolled back to the back of her head when the pleasure of her orgasm was mixed with the sweet, dulling pain of Shinji biting her. The spasms of his body kept pushing his body against hers, and for a second Asuka felt Shinji's fangs slightly bite through the first layer of skin. Yesssssss, her mind purred while her nails left a trail down his back. He's holding me… he's… I…
They stayed like that, bodies shaking against the other until some shred of reason began to slowly crawl into their minds. She felt Shinji's mouth let go of her shoulder. He gazed sheepishly at her, embarrassment mixed with clear arousal in his darkened gaze. "Umm…" he mumbled, eyes darting between the small marks his mouth had left on her shoulder and her faraway blue eyes. To her strange disappointment Asuka noticed his mouth wasn't bloody, and that if anything, the mark was a temporary one with only the tips of his canines having ever so slightly pierced the skin. "Sorry about that."
He lay just above her with his body trapping hers under the mattress. Her heart continued to throb like a horse race inside her rib cage. "D-Did you…" she tried to ask, still unable to fully form a sentence.
"Yeah," he answered above her, eyes darting away in shame. "Sor-"
"Me too," she interrupted before he could finish his apology, hands still ensnared in his hair. It had positively been the strongest orgasm of her young life, and he had barely even touched her at all. "That felt… really… really good… Baka…"
"Yeah," Shinji managed before his arms gave out and he collapsed on top of her. Asuka's legs were still wrapped around him, keeping him in place, only they no longer held an iron-like grip on his hips.
The fact that he had also climaxed made her feel a sense of completion beyond anything she'd felt when using him for her own pleasure. Next time, the primitive part of her brain provided. Next time I want you to really bite down and leave a mark; a permanent one. I don't even care if we have to stitch it up. She had already left her own mark on him after all: two long, ugly, easily recognizable lines down the side of his chest and stomach. Three scratches on his right brow, two small lines on his left, a diagonal cut on his right cheekbone, some almost imperceptible discolorations on his left cheek, a cut on his skull, two scratches on his left arm, a scar on his right forearm, a lump on his finger, and numerous others in his mind, heart and soul.
It felt only right that he should mark her as well.
G… God damn it… she thought with sudden despair, glad he could not see her face. He breathed shallowly over her, hand still tangled in her locks, and although she was beginning to feel the tears come with a vengeance, Asuka did not want Shinji to move. Typical of you, Sohryu, to fuck up something perfect, right? You just couldn't leave it alone, you stubborn, dumb bitch. You could've been doing this… for a long time. You could've gotten something so much better than what you took if you'd only been a decent fucking human for once… But no. You had to taint it, didn't you, you fucking dumb bitch? You had to taint it; damn right you're not gonna enjoy this any longer, you don't deserve to. The only real bad thing about all of this is that if you keep crying like some little child the Baka's gon-
"Asuka'" came the caress of Shinji's breath as he spoke almost directly in her ear. "Are you okay?"
No, damn it Ikari, why couldn't you be selfish for once!? No, fucking hell not I'm not okay! I'm feeling guilty for every single time I… used you… and there you go being a gentleman! Can't you be a pervert just once in your damn life?!
"Hey." As he spoke, she instantly noticed two things; he sounded truly concerned, and she was basically sniveling like a mewling whelp under him, restraining her sobs by biting into his shirt until her jaw was hurting. "Asuka, hey, let me-" He got out of her hold with relative ease, which annoyed her, and used his right knee and elbows to prop himself a bit off her and stare at her tear-stained face. "What's wrong?" If worry had ever been palpable, it was at that moment. "Did… I mean…" Through the tears, she saw his eyes shift away from hers to momentarily focus on the pillow next to them. "Did I do something wrong?"
Great, just great. Despite herself, a chortle mixed with a sob escaped her lips. It was painfully typical of him, to immediately assume the blame for having done absolutely nothing wrong. However sad it was that he'd think so, the familiarity of Shinji's behavior managed to stop the tears from further staining whatever remained of her dignity and pride. There goes phase two, you spineless fucking coward bitch. Well, let's face it. He's not gonna drop this and I have to… I have to let him… help… if I intend to stay… with him.
She managed to bring a hand to furiously wipe off the dampness on her cheeks and eyes. "Guh, you damn Baka…!" She tried to sound like her usual self, but her own voice refused to cooperate and what came out was a half-broken, childish sounding reproach. "You didn't do anything wrong, you Dummkopf," she assured him. His eyes came back to hers, and instantly his hand was also wiping away the trail of liquid down her right cheek. Close as he was, the scratches and healed skin on his face were all the more visible.
Shinji was looking at her in that way of his, the same look he had given her during their latest confrontation. "Then what is it?"
She looked away, and felt the need to cross her arms. "It's nothing."
Asuka felt him lift that slim, toned body of his and drop it on her left, with one hand holding up his head while his left held her hip. Their legs were still a tangled mess, and the idiot had the gall to poke her in the stomach playfully. "Come on," he whispered, sounding like his usual quiet self, albeit a bit more… relaxed. "You can tell me what it is. You know you will."
Asuka shook her head, pouting. She had long since crossed her arms. "No."
"What about my present?" he inquired, and again poked her, earning a twitch from her right eyebrow. Damn it! her mind grumbled, panicking. Shit! I did promise to answer any question… Shit! Shit! "But..." She heard the instant change in his tone. How come all these things were so perceptible to her? How come they had always been so easy to perceive? "If you really don't want to… then I'll leave it alone."
Taking a deep breath and blowing it away through her nostrils, Asuka continued to pout, but relented at the clear sincerity of his words. God damn freaking gentleman, I swear… "I'm just… sorry, okay!?" It came out harsher than she intended, and for a moment she felt his hand leave her skin, but after a few seconds and no further effort on her part to make him stop touching her, Shinji's hand softly came back to its place, where it belonged. She was glaring at the ceiling, or trying to, at least. "I'm sorry, god damn it, I'm even sounding like you now… shit. Shit. I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong tonight, not a thing, okay?" One angry cerulean eye turned in his direction, making him both flush and blink. "Okay?!" she repeated a bit more forcefully.
"O… Okay," he replied, nodding and blushing deep crimson. "So… what's all this about you being sorry? There's noth-"
"I'm sorry for taking advantage of you. There, I said it." She glared deeply at the ceiling, and yet it was her own face she saw; the bestial, horrible sneer she had pushed in Shinji's face day in and day out while she abused him and threatened to end her own life if he did not comply. "I am, for every single time. I used you, and I said horrible things to force you into what I thought I wanted. I did it all knowing what I was doing every second, it wasn't some unconscious reaction or some PTSD bullshit; I knew what I was doing. And I'm sorry, I'm perfectly aware that I can never take it back and the only reason I cried and ruined this perfect day for you was because I…" Her voice began to hitch despite her best efforts. "I… was feeling guilty… about… about what I did. And it's not your p-problem and I d-don't expect you to believe m-me… but I promised to answer any-anything and there you-… damn it! There you g-"
"What if I said," Shinji started, surprising her enough to make her quiet with his somber tone. He wiped the fresh trail of dampness off her face with care, hand shaking ever so slightly while it held her cheek, even when she half-heartedly tried to get away. "What if I said I forgive you, would you believe me?"
God damn it! Arrrrg! Why do you have to be so fucking nice!? D-Damn it! "I'd believe you," she answered, still not daring to look at him while the sobs continued. "Because I know you're so stupid you actually mean it. Dummy."
She heard him chuckle lightly at her side. "Yeah, I mean it. I'm not… happy… that it happened, but I won't let it define what I fe-uhm… how I fee-" Shinji coughed nervously and tried once more. "Umm… how I feel about you."
Despite Asuka's best efforts, her angry pout began to vanish. "It..." she found herself saying. "It won't?"
"It never did," Shinji replied easily, his words prodding at her belly and making the damn insects stir up again. "Besides, I don't… uhm… I don't think this just now… ah… was anything like that. It didn't… feel like that."
What? No, stop. Stop. Hey! Lips, motor functions, listen, damn it! No! Why was she smiling all of the sudden? All she had done to him had not changed the way he felt about her. What she had sensed in the link came crashing down. It was a warmth so engulfing and pure it made her want to both cringe and be consumed by it, uncertain whether it was possible that his feelings were returned in the slightest of forms, a deadly protective instinct that let her know that even when Shinji had not been there before, he would be there now for as long as she accepted him. Pure, pulsing craving and basic bestial attraction, ensnared by a strange desire to make her happy. A dark, horrid beast which would claw out the guts of the first person to lay a hand on her, or hurt her in any way.
She tried to glare and the ceiling, but ended up smirking at it. "It didn't, did it?" She agreed, suddenly overly aware of the soft pressure of Shinji's fingers by her hip. The bite mark was beginning to tingle.
"No," Shinji whispered. Ignoring Asuka's logical reasoning, her own body had begun rotating in his direction and was soon laying in a fetal position next to him. As if reading her mind, he slowly and tentatively stretched out his arms and, as if trying to cuddle with a wild lioness, lay his head on her collarbone, his body mimicking hers as their legs got entangled. "That felt… I don't think I've ever felt anything like that before in my life…"
"Me neither," she said, and planted a soft kiss on Shinji's forehead. I don't even really have words to describe it, if I had to say something; I'd say it was just… right. Perfect. Asuka took the opportunity to study the results of her findings and began to again slowly massage the skin of his scalp, earning a content grunt from him. Hmm, this is interesting. "You're an idiot for staying with me, you know."
She heard him scoff at her words. "You think I care? I'll expand the known fields of idiocy if that what it takes, I'll write books on it! Shinji: The Mysteries of a Baka! Chronicles of an Idiot, Volume One: Enter the Baka. Volume Two, limited edition with editor's commentary: Is He Really Such an Idiot? Volume three, available now in a store near you: Yes, Yes He Is!"
Laughter soon erupted from them both, loud, clear, and pure. They held each other and almost rolled over in obvious enjoyment, with voices that truly belonged to teenagers and not scarred, damaged soldiers. It was a sound that made the other patients in the medical wing look ahead, and hope for a better future; a sound that lulled Misato into a deeper alcohol-induced slumber and put the most ridiculous smile on her face. It was a sound that made Rei smile for she knew that at that particular moment in time, Shinji had been totally, and completely happy.
After the giggles died down, after what felt like an eternity, and when it was cold enough to make Asuka feel the former scorching dampness between her legs feel chilly, she heard Shinji clear his throat.
"Umm… so… sorry first of all for breaking the mood, but..." He untangled himself from Asuka just enough to stare at her and offer an embarrassed grin. "Um… you really do smell good, you know, and right now you smell really, really good, and I… um…" As he continued, Asuka felt her own face flush completely at his words. What the hell does he mean, really, really good? And why does that make me want to kiss this damn idiot again? "I… won't… be able to... restrain myself for much longer. So, how about you take a hot shower, and then I take a cold shower, and then we go to sleep?"
Fully aware she was most likely ogling him like he'd been doing before and thoroughly unable to respond, Asuka managed a "Eh?"
"Listen, I… kinda think we should try to take this a bit… slow. I hope that's okay…" A sudden pained look came on his face then, as if someone had stabbed him with a knife. "I… if it's not, I'm sorry, I guess we c-"
"Hey," she said to cut him off, placing a forefinger on his lips. "None of that. My birthday was my day, and this is your day. We can take this as slow as you need us to, okay? And you never, ever, ever, have to tell me why. I get it, and," she gulped, suddenly aware that she actually meant every word, "I agree with you. I think we should take this slow. You may be an idiot, but I want you to know something." He's caught off guard, she noticed, for once gaining control of her body and forcing the last remnants of her bravado to push forward. Attack! Aim! Her eyes held his for a second and then drew to his opened lips. Position target in the center! Target acquired. Pull the switch!
She stole a quick peck from his unsuspecting mouth, leaving Shinji even more paralyzed as she lingered there, just holding his lips in her own while her right hand slowly cascaded down his face in a very familiar way. Once the deed was done, with Shinji sufficiently paralyzed, she stood up, licked her lips and stared down at him with a devious glint in her eye. "You're a gentleman, Ikari Shinji, and only a little tiny bit of a pervert." And then, she disappeared behind the bathroom door.
The minutes ticked by, and Shinji continued to gape dumbly at the door.
Leave it to Asuka to disguise a compliment with an insult, he mused. His fingers traced the spot where Asuka had kissed him, transfixed; the trail her hand had left on his face felt scalding. Once the concept that the girl was in fact not in the room anymore finished sinking in, he collapsed on the bed, shaking and quickly losing all color on his skin.
Holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy CRAP! That just happened! My God, THAT just happened! Am I awake? Seriously, this isn't some dream? He pinched himself with shaking fingers, and raised trembling, sweaty hands to the ceiling. Hey, You! For once, it was him who addressed the Beast. Aren't you gonna come out of that bathroom all ripped to shreds now?! Is this some new game of yours?! Answer me! Oi!
Uhhh…
You're kidding, right? You're kidding and you're about to come out of that bathroom right now and scare the living shit out of me with flashbacks and Third Impact, right?! The shower was running, the shower was running.
Uhhhh…. So… that just happened.
Are you kidding me? That was real?!
Could you… just... shut the fuck up a little? Still trying to process this…
No way… This isn't some weird machination of yours? Did you just say 'process'? That's it? No insight, no threat, no creepy words to scare me with?!
Just shut the fuck up and concentrate on not hyperventilating, Ikari.
He was, in fact, beginning to hyperventilate, hands shaking at an almost uncontrollable level while his recovering chest moved up and down and his heart felt like a hammer being used to dismantle his sternum. He sat up, drank water, got out of bed, sat back down. He took deep breaths. He pinched himself enough times to leave red marks on the back of his right arm. And then, it dawned.
Wow…
It had taken an unnatural amount of concentration, repetitive -if not metaphysical- kicks to the brain courtesy of the Beast, every last shard of non-existent backbone and every single lesson Sensei had drilled into him to not run away. He had wanted to escape through the door and out into the city, hopefully to then be targeted and shot, the moment Asuka had come out of the bathroom looking as beautiful as she was. Not that she wasn't beautiful the whole day. The fine, whole body red dress that glimmered under the light and had some form of flame pattern knitted into it had stolen the majority of his attention during dinner. He gaped at his right hand, the one that had touched her breast. Holy shit… I touched her. She let me touch her… and she… holy shit… she dressed like that for me. Shinji's whole face felt hot enough that it would not have surprised him if his skin began to melt. His hand closed into a shaky fist. Holy shit… She had worn his shirt, taken his shirt to the bathroom, she had kissed him back.
They slept curled up together that night, after both had taken long, long showers and settled down comfortably; Asuka's back lay pressed against his chest, with his arm encircling her and her hand holding his. She was still wearing his shirt, after coming out of the shower smelling of cinnamon and strawberries, lulling Shinji to sleep without him actually realizing it. Their embrace that night felt infinitely more intimate than any night before and for once, it was a feeling neither youngster dared to reject.
The former Commander of NERV had not expected a visit, especially not on Christmas.
When the door to his miserable station/dormitory rang, he half-expected the UN to have made up their minds and shoot him once and for all. He had been reviewing some of the corroded data in the X file's card, trying to resolve the monumental question of just what was it that would attack them when the soft, precise knocks had driven him out of the sentence 'the project is deemed too unstable for further ex-'.
Gendou was shocked to find Rei standing outside his door, holding a small tray in her hands and staring at his shoes in the gloom, far away from the celebrations. She had been avoiding him as of late, or rather, preferred to spend her time helping Ritsuko or training than being in his direct vicinity.
"Rei," he said, breaking the strangely tense atmosphere. "Happy Christmas. To what do I owe the honor of your visit this night?"
Rei stared at the tray, suddenly not wishing to be there anymore, and recalled why she had bothered in the first place. Despite her best efforts, she could not help but leak out emotion when the words left her mouth. "I do believe that to be the first time you wish me a happy Christmas, or mention any holiday at all, Father." The spite, to her disappointment, was evident and leaking in her tone.
Gendou blinked behind his glasses; he had not been awaiting such a gracious or aggressive response. He cleared his throat. "Indeed," he responded, and pushed up his glasses. "It seems like an appropriate time to start."
"I suppose," Rei agreed, forlorn. She quietly offered the package to her chosen father figure. "Happy Christmas. This is some of the goose Shinji Nii-san prepared, as part of the day's festivities. I do not like meat."
His mechanical hand retrieved the present with care; the enticing aroma soon invaded the former Commander's nostrils, which in turn alerted his empty stomach. "Thank you, Rei. I fear I have not prepared a proper present for you this day. I have been preoc-"
"I do not need a present," Rei interrupted, once again forcing a surprised blink out of Gendou. "Neither does Nii-san. You never gave him anything. You abandoned him; you left him on a train station the day after he watched his mother die. You made me into a living weapon. You made me into a tool. You pretended to care; you fooled both Doctor Akagi Naoko and Ritsuko into doing your bidding."
Gendou glared at the tray all of a sudden. "Correct." He had heard she had been having nightmares as of late, perhaps it was due to him.
"You fooled me into doing your bidding," Rei said, now effectively glaring at his shoes.
"What?" Gendou barked. "Rei, what do you-"
"You pretended to care, but it was never in your eyes. Your eyes were always cold; those memories of you, and the new resentment attached to them, it was the way I could reconstitute myself. I thank you for it, but…"
"I see," he cut her off, noticing how the girl slouched. Bizarre, that she would display such behavior. Not unexpected of course, her forgiveness did seem a bit too far-fetched. "Excuse me for a second, please."
Tired of the uncanny altercation taking place, and more than tired of being reminded of Shinji, he put the tray on his small table, and invited Rei inside. The girl remained rooted to the spot for more than a few seconds, as if contemplating whether to give him the time of the day or not. The evening was becoming more taxing by the minute; he had been getting a bad headache analyzing the data regarding Project X and the origin of their serum, which was a mess of chemical reactions and formulas, half of which were in some form of Russian, and only about a tenth of which he could understand. Not only had the day been irritating, but now Rei was seemingly ready to enact some justice for his actions. And you continue to unveil your vengeance upon me, do you not, Shinji? Ironic, that you should rise and I should fall.
"I apologize for referring to these subjects at this time," he heard Rei say from the door. So she had not come inside. "But I require answers."
He slowly made his way back to the door, hands clasped behind his back. "Then do ask the questions, Rei."
Two angry crimson eyes jumped to glare at him with clear resentment, but not quite hatred. "Do you hate your son?"
The right side of Gendou's lip almost quirked upward in a sinister smirk; the girl was beyond intelligent, as expected. "I did, yes."
Rei's eyes narrowed. "What has changed? Why have you decided to aid him now, when you sought nothing but to crush him before?"
Taking his eyes off his adoptive daughter, Ikari stared ahead, towards the empty hallway. What had changed? "My wife was thoroughly disappointed and disgusted with my actions," he admitted to the nothingness of NERV more than to Rei. "I devoted my life to returning her to me, and it became nothing but ashes. I never wanted the boy; I never intended to share Yui's love. It was my addiction, and he took it from me. Yui chose to enter Unit 01 and… protect him. My life's work was built on a farce."
"So you wish to redeem yourself," Rei stated. "Is this it?"
"There is no redemption for me," Gendou offered plainly. "I know well what awaits us who have chosen to defy Lilith; her child must feed. My hatred was simply… misdirected. I used both you and the boy to shield myself from the truth, that I was only running away. Shinji reminded me of Yui, of her love for him, of her abandonment of me. Your brother was but the means to an end for many years."
"So in truth you never truly loved him," Rei muttered, glare deepening. "He is right to despise you for leaving him."
"Correct," Gendou replied. "He is also right to despise me for manipulating his life, and his psyche, until he broke. There was nothing except the scenario."
The newest member of the Ikari family flinched at his comment, eyes darting away from him. "Not even… me."
Gendou remained impassive. "There was nothing."
"What has changed?" Rei inquired in a defeated tone. She regretted having listened to Sohryu's advice after their latest bout. The redhead had simply stated she needed to vent out the frustrations in her chest; mainly, her not so new-found anger towards her father for what he had done to both Shinji and herself. Her right hand clasped her left elbow, and her head lowered. Nii-san is right to despise him, and yet I cannot. Shame and frustration were added to the mixture of emotions she simply had no idea how to handle. She required her brother at the moment, not her father.
The mere sight of Rei's body language was enough for Gendou to conclude the girl was not only tired, but sad, defeated in a way. If I only had a heart to break Rei, it would, for making you suffer. "You are displeased that despite all I have done, you do not hate me as your brother does."
Rei's eyes widened in slight surprise, only to narrow at the man's black suit and indifferent aura. "You have not answered my other question. What has changed?"
"The scenario is gone," Ikari said with ease. "I cannot say there was some sort of… powerful epiphany to strike me down as both Yui and Shinji bit me in half, yet… everything has changed. It is one thing to observe, plan out and administer trauma; one is able to detach personal emotions if the goal is clear, if the will is strong enough. It is another to witness the result of your machinations, the horror of a monster you have created. My one goal was standing before me as clear as you are right now, and I would see it to the end. Countless people died that day because I would not follow through with SEELE's plans. It made no difference, Shinji's pain made no difference, a million, a billion deaths made no difference." He stared at the girl who was his daughter, unwilling to lie about even the slightest detail. "Your death made no difference."
"I am quite aware," muttered the First Child; Gendou's eyes continued to stare dead ahead.
"Everybody, every employee, every woman, every agent, every member of SEELE was but a mean to an end. My end. It dawned on me somewhere in Instrumentality that my true legacy, the only part of me which would live on, the only good thing to ever come out of me, was my son. The son I destroyed, the son you saved." He nodded, blue eyes darting to his daughter. "Perhaps it is not the answer you had expected, but it is the truth. All Shinji has ever said regarding me is true. There is but one thing."
Rei finally lifted her head and stared him square in the eye. "Which is?"
"I love you," he said with ease. "You are my daughter, and I love you as such. I have never acted on those emotions, as I never acted on the concern I had for you."
"I was replaceable," said his adoptive child. "You told me as much for years. My entire life."
"Yes," Ikari agreed. "And you are not. You are unique. You have always been unique. Ambition is a dangerous thing; it can very well blind one's eyes from anything, even the most logical, clear facts that rest in front of one's face."
"You are evading the question," was Rei's response. "What has changed?"
"I believe I did not evade the question." Gendou's augmented hand clenched behind his back. "You are unique, irreplaceable. I wish to ensure a better future for you. Before, the scenario was all that mattered. Now, this is. Nothing else is of importance to me."
"So this means," Rei whispered, and once more glared at him. "You are not helping… because of Shinji. You do not wish to help him; you do not much care for his well-being. He remains important so long as he behaves the way you wish him to."
Ikari Gendou nodded. "Correct." After a second's trepidation, he continued. "The boy has no need of me. He holds enough strength and power to stand on his own two legs after I took everything from him. Life, love, purpose, his mother, his friends, his hopes and dreams; I took it all, just as he took Yui. And yet, he refuses to give in."
"You still hate him," Rei realized, staring at her father with renewed disgust.
"Correct."
"Why?"
A frigid smile drew itself on Gendou's face. "Because he is stronger than I. Because he is better. Because I could not destroy him, or the light that Yui instilled in his eyes."
"I see." Rei paused her fierce glowering, eyes darting towards the tray on his table. "Do you truly not love him at all?"
"Perhaps in a better world, where I was not born a monster, I could have loved him," Gendou answered. "I do believe my one limitation to be this one; I am only able to love one single person at a time, it would seem."
"Why do you love me?" The question rang clear in the stillness of the deserted hallways. "Is it because I resemble your dead wife? Why have you chosen to be my father, and not his?"
Gendou mulled over his words for a moment, intent to finish the conversation as soon as possible. "I love you because you are my daughter. I gave you life, I brought you into this world, and I will ensure your happiness. Shinji… has no need of my love, not that I could ever give it. You do, through no fault of your own. I raised you to be a slave, a weapon; it is now my duty to see you become a woman. I will not leave this world until this mission is completed."
"So I do have a need for your love," Rei said with a raised eyebrow. "Is this what you think?"
"It is what I know." Shrugging, Gendou switched his body weight from one leg to the other. "Shinji is valiant, true, but he is naïve. You require my assistance, for the time being, so as to better understand human behavior and thus be a better protector for your brother." He noticed with both pride and satisfaction that the glare evaporated, and a questioning frown took its place. "For all his strength, the boy is simply too foolish. You must protect him. I will provide the tools you require, and I will love you until my dying breath." He paused, and felt some of the old sensation of power climb back into his mind. "Is that understood, Rei?"
"Yes." His daughter agreed. "I have a request. A Christmas present if you will."
He raised an eyebrow at the comment. "Oh? And what might that be?"
Rei stood up straight, her crimson eyes narrowing at him. "Can you please crouch, Father?"
The elder Ikari raised an eyebrow, yet complied nonetheless; he laid a heavy knee on the ground and stared expectantly. Rei was giving him a strange look, not precisely a glare, and not a friendly, warm gaze either; it seemed so much like his own eyes save for the color that it drove a shudder down the former Commander's back. So engrossed was he in the realization that he never saw Rei's hand come up.
SLAP.
His glasses fell to the ground and broke on impact, his whole head reared to the right while his left cheek blazed afire. "That," he heard the girl growl beside him, rage evident in her tone. "Was for my brother. For everything you have done, for everything I have done following your command."
He smiled, but it was quickly erased.
SLAP.
His head reared to the opposite side. "That," Rei muttered, hands shaking. "Was for everything you did to Doctor Akagi and… to me. I do not hate you, father, but as it stands, I am quite angry with you."
Gendou swirled his tongue around his mouth to search for any loose teeth, swallowing a blood-tasting lump so as not to spit it at his daughter's feet. And so you continue to take things from me, my son. In the end, you did get your justice, did you not… Shinji?
Once the door was shut, once Rei had left with not a word more thrown his way, nor an approximate timeline in which she'd agree to being in his presence again, once he had sat down on the miniature table and glared at the demurely, orderly prepared plate in front of him, Ikari Gendou allowed his stiff shoulders to unwind in defeat.
A pair of chop-sticks stabbed the tender meat, and drove a mouthful into his bearded face. Two more bites to ensure himself it was not a ruse, and this time the glasses did not fall, they were thrown. The plate followed soon after, impacting the wall with violence. The table was overturned, the chair crashed against one of his computers, a fist drove itself into the door to his small closet, cracking the wood.
Behind any German recipe or preparation, he would always taste it. He would never forget it, for days to come, for all the meals he would ever eat.
It tasted like Yui's cooking.
Commander's Office. December the 26th, 2016. 8.47am
A loud moan of indescribable pain echoed in the empty chamber.
Ritsuko tried and failed in the most spectacular fashion to read the reports in front of her. The skull-crushing headache and overall nausea were accentuated all the more when the words on the screen began to come to life and move on their own volition. I swear, Misato poured some LSD in the punch; this is not your regular hangover. Granted, she had drank like it was still college and decided to break in her brand new liver -with zero bullet holes in it courtesy of Shinji- which had backfired in a painful way. There was not a single noise that she was unaware of; the batting of a fly could have sounded like a war march in her defeated, over-tired brain.
The door opened without her noticing, and then, the horror. "Hi, Ritz! How's our favorite blonde Commander doing this morning?!"
Bestial growls and what she assumed was a very subdued form of 'go away' were the only answers Misato got. Paying no mind to the dangerous, slightly concussed Commander, she walked all the way to her desk and sat opposite to her, taking healthy gulps of her can.
One single blood-shot eye glared at her in defiance. "How's your hangover?" Ritsuko demanded. "I'm d-" An involuntary burp forced its way out of her mouth "…shit, I'm dying here." To her annoyance, her second-in-command snorted out loud and took a heavy swig of… no… not possible…
"Pff, amateur," countered Misatowith ease. "I've already started drinking again." This time, it was a full pair of angry, wide, blood-shot eyes that glared in her general direction.
"It's 9am," growled Ritsuko. "On a Monday. And we have a meeting with the Prime Minister in three hours, Misato."
Unblinking, Misato finished her beer and placed the empty can on Ritsuko's desk. "I fear nothing."
Ritsuko grumbled, face squashed between her hands in utter agony. It shouldn't be allowed that one suffers this much just for… "Misato," she croaked, tone breaking at the end. "How much did I have to drink last night?"
"Hmm." Misato pranced around the room in apparent ease, arms crossed with a hand holding her chin as though in deep thought. "I lost count after your... twenty first shot. I'd say you had enough to grab Maya's ass and call it yummy."
The Supreme Commander of NERV blanched white as cotton. "You're kidding."
"Am not." Grinning at the now pale woman, Misato walked around the office with a sense of renewed pride. "Good thing she was so wasted she was already more asleep than awake, but you did grab it between your hands, slap it a couple of times, and call it yummy."
"Shit." There was no other perceivable answer. "How many? How many know?!"
The grin widened even more. "Well, there's me, Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and I think Makoto, although he did puke just minutes before your ass-grabbing scheme, so he might be blacked out." Misato's smile was bright enough to illuminate the gloom of her office.
If she was honest, Ritsuko did not quite remember how she had gotten to her bed, or if she had slept in that bed at all or not. The nearest memory that came to greet her was of her sitting in the chair, next to a respectable pool of vomit to her left, and two cat figurines to her right.
"Misato, I hate you from the deepest, darkest part of my heart and soul. My hatred burns with the fire of a thousand suns." The poor woman's head felt like a war-zone, and now shame had crept up and began to haunt her. "You gave me all those mixed drinks. This is all your fault."
Misato huffed, letting purplish locks fly around as she spun towards the door. "Hey, don't blame me for not being able to hold your alcohol. I didn't pour those drinks down your throat you know, that's all on you. And it was you who kept asking for more… how did you put it? Ah, yeah, variety. Guess your hands needed some variety too, huh. Doesn't that theoretically and literally count as sexual harassment?"
The growl Ritsuko produced next did have some level of malice, thankfully enough. "If you weren't so fucking efficient at your job," she ground out, taking a sip of water from a bottle resting by her figurines, "I swear to God I'd fire you and send you to rot in your apartment with that bird and those annoying brats of yours." Her head impacted against the desk's surface, worsening the already terrible headache.
"You know you love me!" Misato yelled from the door, driving a sharp blade straight through her temple. "And you know you love Pen-Pen, and the kids have grown on you, haven't they? What with my constant negligence and all that, you're like their grumpy aunt who just happens to be a doctor!"
"I'm a scientist and a military Commander, not a nurse for your brats!" she yelled back, and instantly regretted it as a sledgehammer crashed directly on her right temple. Ow…
"Hah! You can't hold your liquor anymore, Ritsu, best leave the drinking to the big ones! Now get yourself presentable, Miss Ass-Grabber, we have a prime minister to intimidate!" Misato laughed and laughed at her expense, forcing Ritsuko to actually reconsider firing her. Like I'll get a third of the things she gets done, yeah right, the logical part of her brain provided with ease. Shit, I was so drunk I don't even remember touching Maya's ass. Her hand extended so she could properly stare at the offending palm. I wonder if it felt nice, and soft… and squishy… At last, some blood managed to crawl back in her face in the form of a serious blush. Shit.
For Misato's part, she managed to hold the façade long enough for the door to close, only to succumb to nausea a second afterwards and retch the entirety of Shinji's carefully prepared after-Christmas anti-hangover breakfast all over Ritsuko's new plant. She had a plant now, in front of the office's entry, and it was covered in vomit.
"Tot-" Another wave of sickness, another healthy dose of her stomach juices directly into Maya's Christmas gift for their Commander, and Misato's gut finally settled. "T-Totally worth it…" she croaked, dry heaving. "Thanks, Shin-chan…"
NERV Gymnasium. December the 27th, 2016
He unbound the wrappings that protected his fists with practiced efficiency; his fingers worked on memory alone, the body being depleted of all its energy. Still, Shinji sported a small, almost imperceptible smile was the bandages came off.
Ishikawa had proposed that he and Asuka practice grappling and locks, seeing how the both of them had been blushing, staring at the ground and basically limiting their interactions out of embarrassment and a complete uncertainty of how to proceed. Sensei, however, had seen through the spectacle at once and had demanded that Asuka work with him with the mitts, and that he in turn act as a good puppet for her takedowns and locks. They had barely spoken after Christmas had rolled around; the food had ended and the alcohol had dried out until the year's end.
While they always slept side by side, cuddled in a cocoon of warmth in the now raging colds, they had barely spoken more than the necessary words and the occasional snappish remark on Asuka's part. Their latest training session had erased any sudden doubts or embarrassment, in the end. The bandages were quickly rolled up and Shinji carried on with his right hand. Sensei is weird, he mused, distracted. He knew exactly what to do. He knows Asuka's a little… scared… of me, and I am of her.
His small smirk widened.
"God damn it, Baka! Hold the damn mitts properly before a kick slips and I hit you in the damn face!"
"How the hell am I supposed to hold them properly when you're hitting so fast?! I can't see where you're pivoting!"
"That's the very idea of pivoting, Dummkopf! Just hold the stupid thing in its place!"
"Do you have any idea how hard you're kicking?!" he argued back, slowly descending into a defensive stance. His legs were stuffed with padding, and he was holding two large, rectangular mitts where the girl's kicks impacted with tremendous accuracy. The force of Asuka's leg left his arms shaking. "See!? You try to do this!"
"Arrrg! Gimme here!" He relinquished the mitts, put on his own gear, and started practicing basic boxing combos while Asuka glared at him, stuck out her tongue and recovered the smaller mitts made for punching. He began slowly, gaining speed as the song reached a crescendo in his head, concentrated, and called upon the dark pit in his stomach, getting more intense by the second and thoroughly unaware of Asuka's widened eyes. He began mixing the jabs and crosses with straight Wing Chun punches without realizing it, pushing Asuka to the ropes.
Then a punch escaped him with much more steam than he intended, and the mitt flew right off her hand. "Ow! What the hell, Baka?!"
Being driven by pure adrenaline, Shinji responded in kind. "What?! I'm trying to focus here! Sorry, I guess! It just slipped!"
"It just slipped?! It just slipped!? What kind of a pathetic excuse is that?! You could've broken my hand, you dolt!"
"I said I'm sorry, okay?! When I get in the zone I just start acting without thinking! I didn't mean to hit that hard!"
"Yeah, yeah, the big bad Baka in the zone! Look at this!" She brought up the offended hand which, despite the bandages and mitts, was faintly shaking. "Be more careful when you're training with me, damn it!"
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, all right?!"
"Arrrrg! Stop apologizing already and get back into your stance!"
"Ugh, yes Captain!"
"And shut it with the Captain thing!"
"Will you hold up the stupid mitts?! I'm trying to punch something here!"
"Oi, married couple!" The booming bellow of their instructor caught them both off guard, forcing Shinji to swing too wide and lose his balance, falling to the mat. "Stop yer yammering and let's get to work! You can kiss each other's booboos when you're done!"
"Shut up, Sensei!" came the automated response from them both, at the very same time. "We're not married!" Laughter from the gym's attendants was their eloquent response and choir.
Even the other patients doing their routines flinched when the booming laughter of Ishikawa cut through the relative stillness of the gym. "HAH! Not yet you mean!"
Both teens blushed deep crimson, but instead of denying anything like they'd done in school, they merely stared at one another, then continued with their training as though nothing had happened. Still, Asuka gave him a tiny, embarrassed little smile afterwards which sent butterflies to war in his stomach.
The second roll of bandages was neatly placed in his duffle bag, beside his gloves and mouthpiece. Shinji stretched numb fingers with a strange giddiness tickling his whole being. He felt active, healthy, full of energy. Alive. He couldn't wait to see Asuka again, even if it meant descending into another war of stutters and embarrassed looks. For the very first time in my life, I feel actually like living might just be… acceptable. Living, not just existing. The dark circles on his palms agreed; this was reality. And despite all of the pain, all of the trauma, all the bloodshed and the continuous nightmares, there was a fire ahead of him, pushing him forward.
Asuka was artistic as far as fighting went; a master of combinations, unorthodox attacks, knees, elbows and kicks. She'd throw these mixes his way and Shinji would be compelled to stay in the corner with the pads or mitts protecting his face rather than actually working with her and having her move around him; she could make him dizzy just by running circles and changing her stance. She was a painter, a dancer in the battlefield; hell, even her Muay Thai instructor was impressed with her unpredictability. It only made him understand that she could have, indeed, killed him at any point in time, and had not. The thought was strangely reassuring.
As if on cue, the off-tune shouts in English came crashing down on the Gymnasium.
"IIIIII, I feel so ALIVE! For the very first time! I can't deny you, I feel so alive! IIIII, I feel so alive! For the very first time! And I think I can flyyyy!"
Asuka came marching out, working on her head movement, jabs, elbows and kicks even when she had just showered, swaying to whatever rock song she was listening to while her spinning elbows and high kicks cut the air. Despite the modern music player being her gift to him, she had effortlessly adulterated his small collection of pop songs and classical music with the random screams and heavy, amplified guitar sounds she preferred when training. It did not bother him as much as it should; some of her songs were quite entertaining despite him being unable to understand most of what was being screamed. She liked and understood it, though, and would sometimes go as far as translating the main chorus of the songs when they shared earbuds.
She sat heavily next to him, head still swaying. The music was loud enough to make him nod with enthusiasm as the strange rap-rock mix, so without a word the redhead put a bud in his left ear, almost making him deaf. They both moved in perfect synchronization with the song's rhythm. "So, idiot face," she said loud enough for him to hear over the music. "Are we gonna talk about… ahem… Christmas?"
Shinji's face lost all color and then went completely red. "Umm…" he managed to mumble through the music. "I'm… sorry?"
The music was paused.
"Why are you apologizing?" he heard Asuka whisper beside him. "I told you, you didn't do anything wrong." He felt her doubt ooze out in waves, forcing the Beast to rise from its slumber and kick him in the brain.
"I'm not apologizing for, umm… what happened," he clarified; somewhat annoyed that she'd think so. "I'm apologizing because I haven't really said… anything… hmm... after what happened. I've been behaving lik-"
"A jerk?" The redhead teased, elbowing him with playfulness. The music once again slammed against his eardrum with a vengeance.
"Yeah," he agreed, and took the chance to tickle her just above the oblique where he knew her to be sensitive.
"Hey, st- Shinji, I'm serious, hey-... pff… stop, Shinji! Ha ha, stop!" She giggled goodheartedly. Contact proof successful, she has not bitten off your head. Proceed, loser, the Beast whispered with concentration, and so the ticking session continued. Asuka tried to slap away his hands, and when it had no clear result and her giggles doubled, she resolved to pinching him.
"I'm sorry for being a jerk, sooooooorryyyy!" cried Shinji while he applied a healthy dosage of tickles and received more half-hearted slaps and pinches for his efforts. "But really, hey, ow! Listen, ow, Asuka, wait, Ow! I'm sorry, okay? Ow! I'm sorry!"
After a minute he was finally able to halt her offensive and summon a somewhat serious expression. "It's just my stupid instinct to run as soon as things start to… umm… change." A heartbeat, and then Asuka's expert fingers found some skin near his armpit and pinched. "Ow!"
"Ba-Ka," Asuka replied, looking pensive after the giggles finished dying down. "I think I know you well enough by now to know that, but you haven't run yet. You're just being… really quiet. Having perverted thoughts, hmm?"
Her blue eyes paralyzed his body, and Shinji found himself gulping. "W-Well," he managed when the girl's eyes narrowed and her mouth scrunched up in a suspicious line. "K-Kind of…" he admitted, face positively glowing in crimson. I sense a disturbance in the Force, best get the foot out of your mouth while you still can, you wimpy worm. Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm doing a thing! Shinji shook his head, taking a deep breath to muster up the meager courage available in his system. "B-But that's not it. I know I was a pain last time, with 2.0 and everything. I don't know, I'm just… kind of excited I guess. And scared. I'm a little scared that…"
He felt Asuka take a hold of his hand; the moment his body jumped at the sudden contact he hated himself even more. Stupid reflex. Settle. Down. Now. He turned his head, but found Asuka was not looking at him. "You're scared things might go back to… the way it was. The way I made it," she finished for him; she probably didn't notice, but he nodded. "I get that. It's okay, Baka. We did say we'd take it slow. This awkwardness right now doesn't feel wrong, like what I was doing before." She bit her lip, looking thoughtful and indecisive for a fraction of a second before continuing. "...Does it?"
"Not at all," Shinji answered, and forced his body to listen by intertwining his hand properly with hers. "Kinda feels… natural."
"Healthy," Asuka muttered while browsing the music player and fidgeting with his hand. "Feels healthy, right?"
"It does," Shinji agreed, trying to get a glimpse of what she was choosing, but Asuka kept turn the screen away from his sight. "Still, it doesn't make my behavior excusable," he said, pouting. "The last thing I'd ever want was for you to feel… uhmm…"
"Neglected?" Asuka suggested, smirking with one eye closed and her chin raised high. "Unwanted? Come on, Baka-Shinji, this is Sohryu Asuka Langley we're talking about here. I just… wanted to make sure you're okay with it, as well."
He blushed for no particular reason. It was a high to be around her, to be dragged along by her, a high he never seemed to get enough of any time soon. Her overall self-confidence and strength, the very thing which had initially attracted him towards her, was blazing like the sun in front of him, inviting him to get burned. He'd get scorched.
She's okay with it, too? So this… healthy feeling… she has it. She's… she's happy?! The dumbest, goofiest smile drew itself on his face. She's happy?! "Asuka," he said, squeezing Asuka's hand to get her attention. "I don't think I've ever been better."
She gave him a brilliant smile then, one that had his whole body paralyzed and his eyes glazed. "Well, Baka, that's good for you." Asuka then glared playfully at him. "Since we're being honest and all… when you're in your zone, there," Shinji blinked in surprise, eyes darting back to her narrowed gaze. "You're scary," she admitted, now effectively pouting so as to hide the sliver of honest fear he saw shining in her eyes. "So, maybe the mitt wasn't just hit too hard, maybe it… ahem… kinda…" He noticed the growing redness around her nose, and grinned stupidly wide. "Slipped?"
"Sorry," he replied on auto-pilot, barely feeling the next pinch at all. "Ow." He was enticed and content with just watching the way Asuka huffed, looking down at her feet, and then slowly slid in his direction and placed her head on his shoulder.
"Jerk." He instantly ordered his left arm to respond, which took some convincing and a heavy dosage of insults courtesy of the Beast. The limb did cooperate, encircling the young woman's arms like it was natural.
Soon enough both of them lay on the mat; Asuka's head rested on his arm while his was on top of his duffle bag. He watched her fumble with the music player, skimming past artists and genres with a speed he did not believe himself able to follow, and finally settled on something that ended in –Ons. She pressed play and some strange beat began to rumble against his ear. Soon enough the lyrics and a tune began to take over, and both collapsed on the mat next to each other, heads moving at the same rhythm as their fingers, legs and very breathing. They synchronized even without wanting to, both with their eyes closed and resting together, sprawled on the mat as though there was nothing wrong with the world.
She never told him she felt healthy as well, that she felt happy. She did not need to, anymore; Shinji knew her well enough to notice when something was truly amiss, which only made Asuka enjoy the simple moment of peace and quiet that much more. Her forefinger drummed against his thigh while his massaged her shoulder in perfect coordination with the song's tune.
"You made me a, you made me a belieeeeever, believeeeer …"
December 29th, 2016. Undisclosed Location. Country: Unknown.
The meeting room was silent and empty but for the three figures sitting at each side of the large table, where the monoliths shone with crimson light. Images of gruesome assassinations played on the screen on the room's right hand side; each more frightening than the other. A man, decapitated and set aflame; a family of four gunned down in the dining room, with half a dozen guards sprawled on the floor; an entire military base reduced to cinders and ash; a man cut into many pieces and left in the freezing cold to die; dismembered and castrated. A man, tied to a chair with barbed wired; disemboweled and blinded. Yet another family, children, with bullet holes in their skulls appeared.
Click.
Deserted fields; where once deep tundra had existed, now only dead trees and carcasses of both man and beast remained. A lake, once pristine and pure, polluted with water black as ink. Craters where bombs had detonated; tanks which now resembled stamps; twisted metal where a plane had crashed, the view of annihilation extended for miles with no apparent sign of life. In its center, a gigantic dark shadow with bright red eyes shining in the scenery of pure, unbidden death.
Click.
A room with wooden walls stained with red appeared. The gruesome sight of what had once been a man welcomed the prying eyes; the head removed, the body sliced with many small cuts, gelded. Twelve more bodies lay about in disarray, just as butchered and ravaged. Click. Two more men, one who had bled out from a wound in the crotch, another with his neck sliced open and a knife embedded in his side.
Click. Off.
"So you see," rang a deep voice, summoning the attention of the two remaining members of the once great organization called SEELE. "There is little to be concerned about. I rather believe your trepidation was more out of irrational fear than mistrust in our little Baba Yaga, do you not agree, 02?"
Fingers drummed methodically against the steel surface for nearly a minute; the only sound and response in the otherwise quiet space. The man known as Yuri Kalashnikov, heir to the empire Michail had erected and Lorenz had utilized to justify the scenario, stared with apathy at the figures that faced him. More than once he had been compared to the Third Child's father, Gendou Ikari, for his coldness and calculating way of following a given path; Ikari, however, paled in comparison to the horrors he had unleashed on the world since he had turned twenty two. How many wars had he sponsored? How many hundreds of thousands now lay in unmarked graves due to his empire? His own flesh and blood had fared no better.
For it was fear that drove him, that had driven Lorenz as well. Fear of facing the inescapable judgment of his sins. But, if he converted himself into God, there would be no such judgment. Freedom, pure and absolute, along with a bliss never-ending; these things were but a mere step away from his grasp. The escape from divine justice was the promise of course; the escape from what awaited those who had committed atrocities as horrifying as them. If not Instrumentality, immortality then. With the study of Unit 02, the way it had evolved, it was plausible.
Yuri smiled frostily. The very temperature of the room seemed to drop when he opened his mouth. "Yes," he said, fingers still drumming methodically on the table. "His performance has gone according to our scenario." The smile widened. "For now."
"Is it fear?" the aged voice of Ikari's monolith questioned, clearly perturbed and impatient. "You continue to stall. The board is set, the pieces are moving. The scenario is upon us, Complementation is upon us, and you delay what's to come."
"Lorenz was quite the fan of control, and yet..." Yuri picked up a glass of vodka sitting next to his left hand and emptied its content in one go. "Here we stand, imperfect and incomplete because he left one single item in his agenda to chance. I intend to bring about true Instrumentality. No more wars, no more politics, no more power. No more… us."
"Yes," the prince, SEELE 08 replied with a rough undertone. "The very idea of controlling this decayed cluster of societies is enough to sicken me. Why we were forced out of Heaven… the boy… he must disappear as our colleagues have. Rothchild's wealth, Steinberg's influence, they are ours to dispose of. Poor fools, the lot of them, content with reigning over a failure. Let them rule from the depths of the abyss now. Let them be kings over ashes."
"Agreed," muttered a figure disclosed in darkness, grumbling with the weathered tone of a man past his sixties. "The world has reached a breaking point. The only solution to the human equation is to complement, to become One."
"Indeed," Yuri added. "Why then, do you waste my time with this encounter? There are armies to mobilize, families to extort, coin to spend, and a country to destroy. Do go over your concerns quickly, gentlemen. As Lorenz, Rothchild and Steinberg have discovered, my time is quite precious. As for the delays, they were a necessity to ensure that… we are all certain of how to proceed."
I spy with my little eye a liar, and a thief, and a dead man, SEELE 02 thought with delight. Now I know where you are, what you plan, what agendas you have. Fools, the lot of you.
"The boy," monolith 06 croaked. "We believe the extraction of Unit 02 can be completed without him. He is… unstable, as always. It is best to carry on with the operation with as little of his intervention as possible. We believe you have stalled to spy on us, 02, and to ensure your boy is under a proper leash."
A small chorus of 'Agreed' followed Ikari's statement. Detzlev said as little as possible, just as Yuri suspected. He hummed deep in his throat, and refilled the glass. "Yes, unstable. And yet what to do when your plan does not go as you expect? Do you have some form of contingency? He was hard enough to find after the Impact; now that we finally have a use for him, you draw back."
"Our concerns lie with his own reasoning," 06 replied. "For a mere tool, or a soldier, the boy is too opinionated. Whatever restraints you believe to have set up in the Entry Plug will fail. Moreover, there is the possibility that the boy destroys Unit 02. He is, after all, a wild animal."
"We speak of a tool as if it were a man; we speak of an ant as if it were a tiger. I tire of this. Japan is nearly in shambles, the people are afraid, they do not wish another war. They have lived in fear for years." The Prince voiced his opinion, as was to be expected. Fool, Kalashnikov considered. Lorenz thought the same of Ikari Shinji, and here we stand. "Economical embargo seems like the proper course," the Prince continued. "Peter has the German Prime Minister under his heel; we could just as easily convince the rest of Europe to accept. If Japan refuses to relinquish the Evangelion, then a military attack would suffice to frighten the population enough for chaos to reign once more. There need not be a proper war, or a use of the monstrosity that exists simply because we have not yet figured out how to kill it. The people of Japan will hand it over, if it means a stop to the hunger and the carnage."
Yuri hummed deep in his throat, eyes addressing the monoliths in boredom. "Cold feet, at this stage of the scenario? Sad, really, and pathetic. Japan is not alone, my friends. Yes, Germany, perhaps most of Eastern Europe, so far as Russia, yes; we could convince them to cease economic relations with them. And yet, this was the first of human societies to stand again on its feet, even after being the epicenter of Third Impact. I do believe you underestimate the Japanese and their ability to survive." He refilled the glass; the bottle clanked loudly against the steel table.
"I do not think the current president of my nation will hear me. I believe he will shoot me himself, should I approach. While the German Prime Minister insists on taking back Unit 02, most of the parliament considers Sohryu to be a great hero of the nation, and of greater political importance at this time than the Evangelion itself. Your… option… will not work." He drank.
"And yours will," stated the Prince matter-of-factly. "Do tell us why."
The man once more smiled coldly. "Our research with damage and tissue restoration within the entry plug of Project X has left this matter clear; although the Super Solenoid is capable of permanent and eternal energy production, it is not capable of constant, eternal energy production."
"Your point being..." 06 pondered aloud, cutting him off. "Of course. If the latest intelligence is to be believed, the Unit has developed some form of… consciousness. Were it to be handed over, what is to assure its compliance?"
An Ikari after all, are you not? Yuri's smirk widened. "Correct. While rapidly healing the pilot's wounds in the entry plug and systematically regenerating, the fluctuation of energy in the core is diminished, however. If we were to… exhaust the Unit, so to speak, its retrieval would be possible. We need it be operational, not complete, and since we are referring to a Unit that somehow managed to regenerate itself, evolve and become powerful after being ripped to shreds, the only logical course would be… well… to rip it to shreds once more."
The silence stretched out for a few precious seconds. "Hmm, yes…" 06 agreed. "We need only the torso and head, after all. While it regenerates, it cannot expand an Anti-AT Field, which will in turn enable us to further study it, and fabricate a perfect… solution."
"Immortality, gentlemen," Yuri commented, and raised his glass. "Perfection is in our reach. We need only strive to grab it."
"And what if your boy decides to do something different?" Detzlev demanded, speaking for once. "What then? You burn him in his Bolshevik blood? How, exactly?"
"Nuclear fire," declared the new chairman of the Board. It was his board, his pieces; give a lamb the illusion of free will, and it will walk by its own volition to the butcher's blade. "If the boy decides to do anything not related to our scenario, we burn him alongside Unit 02 and Tokyo. The Units will be depleted by then, unable to protect themselves or regenerate. A nuclear strike would be logical, if only to eradicate the threat of EVA in this world. Win or lose, we will be the heroes. If we were to lose… there is always the research of Project X. We can rule, from the shadows, and patiently wait for another chance, another Impact. Indefinitely."
"Agreed," SEELE 06 croaked.
"Agreed," SEELE 05 offered resolutely. "You can add twenty thousand soldiers from the United Kingdom, Chairman."
"…Agreed," SEELE 07 muttered after a silence had stretched out. "Proceed as planned. 02, I will not permit further… investigation on your part."
"Understood, comrade," Yuri answered with clear mirth. "No more games. Do not concern yourselves with the boy."
"Keep that leash on your bastard's neck," the Prince's monolith spat. "I expect him to do what is demanded of him, and nothing more. And I expect him to be terminated after his part has been played. This… boy of yours, is nothing but a nuisance. Some nobody you harvested for the development of the serum." The monolith of SEELE 08 blinked away, and soon all others followed, leaving Yuri alone in the spacious cavern.
"Some nobody… that nobody is my son," he said to the now empty room. "He was once an experiment of ours, the men called him… the Russian bastard. A product of the hot blood of a married man with a maid, nothing more. And yet he is the only one to survive a contact experiment with a sentient, eternal being, and come out genetically improved. A one in two billion probability, a boy who dreams of nothing but to burn the whole world."
He pressed the button to his right, initiating the call.
"Что." Rang a voice soon after.
"I believe our dear Prince has fulfilled his role in the game. Do take your time with this one, he has always been taxing with the boring belief he is better than every other human alive." He drank, refilled his glass, and drank again. The vodka was hot and delicious in his throat. "He plans something, and I smell it. Follow his signal; there must be no intermissions with the scenario."
"Да."
"Get ready. We attack on the dawn of the New Year. I will not postpone this any longer; assemble the troops and set them in motion before you depart for Japan. Your men and your… dear friend… will be in the Sea of Okhotsk until the operation begins. You have a week."
"Понял. This will cost you extra. I'm in Siberia, and I'll have to move to Vladivostok right now. Transfer the Prince's data. Do you want his head?"
"Not particularly," he admitted, drinking. "Steinberg was a more… personal affair. Carry on with the execution in whichever way you please."
"Understood, Отец."
"The stage is set, I presume." The bottle was almost empty, yet he hardly felt drunk at all. Pity, that such good vodka had such a poor effect. "До свидания."
There was no response. Not that he expected one; Yuri stood and raised the glass to the table, the movement had sprinkles of vodka falling on his hand. The nothingness of the room made the empty toast all the more meaningless; there was nobody left to celebrate with after all, no comrades, no colleagues, no family. The world truly was as empty as it felt. The glass fell to the ground, empty, so the man took the bottle and drank. The villagers in the vicinity of their mine had a name for the dark figure which had drained the surrounding areas of life and had taken the souls of hundreds to feed. Baba Yaga, the Boogie Man; a monstrous beast with shining red eyes that would feast on fear itself, and life. Project X.
He collapsed back on the chair, inebriation taking over at last, and raised his arm to the ceiling. "To Fourth Impact."
To Be Continued...
Inspirational Music: The Gateway (album) – Red Hot Chilli Peppers; The Offspring, Best Of (album) – The Offspring, Rusted by the Rain, Kingdom of Zod – Billy Talent, Sail,– Awolnation, Believer, - Imagine Dragons, Like a Bird, Sold my Soul, In This River – Black Label Society, Now that we're Dead, Dream No More, Fade to Black- Metallica, The Dance of Eternity, Peruvian Skies - Dream Theater.
Что: Translates to 'what.'
Понял: Ackowledged.
Отец: Father
До свидания: Cheers.
AN: Plenty of sugar and honey, huh?! So damn sweet it makes you puke, or want to get a beer or a shot of very old scotch. Go and get a drink of something while I ramble.
Before all that, however, a HUGE thank you and recognition to my brother MisterHalt for helping proof this moster of an interlude for errors and synthax! Love you, brother!
We got a glorified dry-humping with illustrious detail to boot! Hell. This part was one of the reasons it took me so damn long to update. There's clear sexual tension between our two main characters, and plenty of trauma to boot, new trauma at that! It took me months to mull over this shit in my head, I just didn't want to write it, didn't know how to get rid of it, and I knew that for the story to continue, it had to be done. So, we can thank a heavy dosage of rum and cannabis for that, 'cause like the rest of this story, it just came crashing down on a random day. Don't expect any lemons. I don't even know if what I wrote is one… is it? Shit. Hope not.
Now! Stories tend to have your typical beginning, your conflict, and its resolution. I started with the conflict, clear enough, and slowly filled in details of the beginning while working around said conflict to give the story a proper structure. The major driving force of my story has been dealt with; it was partially solved in chapter 17 and is now being addressed. The idea behind these next chapters? To portray Asuka and Shinji's relationship through the eyes of those around them, and to fuck up the relative stability and status quo 'cause, let's face it, this is Scar Tissue god damn it!
Didn't like the chappie? That sucks! Sorry! Liked the chappie? Awesome, happy to write it! Do let me know in detail on your way out, reviews inspire my writing ass!
I'm not gonna make excuses. I have to work, gotta make money, people! I love my job and it takes most of my time, sadly, so sorry in the most Shinji-like manner for the large hiatus, but I have to eat. My dogs have to eat. Stay tuned for the next chappie!
PEACE