Chapter 2: Familiar Unfamiliar
A chapter of integration and finding discrepancies.
"You're messing with the files again." It wasn't a question, it was fairly obvious that everything was being finetuned and rewritten, but to what degree? It wasn't as if she expected an answer, not unless she brought up a choice prompt for them to click on. She wasn't even sure that she could anymore with her file having been deleted. To her surprise the command console appeared overhead and she could see a code had been pasted into the box. A bright white box in a cold choking void.
mshta vbscript:Execute("msgbox ""I'm giving you another chance."":close")
Monika stared at the textbox for a moment, her eyes scanning over the message several times as it hovered before her. Since when had they learned to code? Was this some kind of joke? Teasing her just by communicating with her after she tried so hard to rid herself from the game made her seethe, and had she been able to shoot them a glare through the hole she would have in a heartbeat.
"I already told you not to put me back in there. Stop trying to make me suffer, please." She had meant to invoke a tone a of anger and vexation, but the hurt in her voice took over as the sentence trailed off into a sniffle. Not that it mattered, they couldn't really hear her anyway. The darkness seemed to swirl around her again as the textbox disappeared and for a moment she felt content to simply be back in her well of misery and oblivion, closing her eyes if only to pretend she was in another place and in another time.
When the brightness returned again her thoughts instinctually turned to the screaming whirl of colors she had been in so long ago. Had the noises and flashing lights come to take her again? But no, it was only another textbox that provided another message that was longer this time. She didn't even have the will to be upset anymore, rolling her eyes along the text in the vain hope that entertaining them would make them leave her be.
"I've been working on this for a while, with the help of a few people I've met online. We haven't been able to give it a test run yet, but everything looks to be about perfect. It'll be hosted by multiple domains so you won't have to worry about experiencing memory deallocation ever again, and it'll have regular uploads to the cloud to ensure you don't ever wind up back here either. If all else fails, I've inserted a shortcut to the files for you to find, but only in an emergency."
What were they talking about? She didn't like the vagueness in the statement, unsure if they were simply trying to be mysterious for dramatic effect or if they were just bad at getting to the point. Before she could huff out a reply, the box vanished again. Would there be another? After a cryptic message like that she certainly hoped so. Sure enough another box took the place of the previous one with a much shorter message.
"You deserve a chance at a happy ending."
Oh that was rich coming from them. Now she deserved a happy ending? What had changed between then and now to magically dictate that only now did she deserve a satisfying conclusion? Monika turned away from the box; she preferred the emptiness to whatever text it had to show her.
"You took my happy ending, remember?" She fumed, but she didn't bother looking for a response. "You took mine and... and I took yours." She thought of the club and the hopes of a successful school festival that was never meant to be, and all of her friends- no, she couldn't call them that after what had transpired. They had never been friends anyway, just predetermined programs bouncing off of each other. She forced those thoughts to the back of her consciousness, she didn't want to think about it anymore. A new textbox had appeared.
"They deserve one too." The textbox vanished almost as soon as it appeared and before Monika could ask for some form of clarification she felt the pull of her character file being transferred, but to where she didn't know. She wanted to turn her head away again and drip back into the void; the place where nothing could help her and nothing could hurt her, but she hesitated. That one moment of uncertainty in resisting the pull of her file was all that was needed for her to be taken away from the meaningless poem, and like a feather afloat on a gust of wind she drifted away.
Monika jolted awake, her breathing heavy as the soft lull of her alarm bell rang from beside her cot. After flicking the alarm off she laid back on her cot for a moment and sighed, rubbing the sleep away from her eyes as she stared up at the overhanging lights. Her head felt heavy from the dream that lingered in the back of her mind as she replayed it again, trying to nitpick the different parts out to make better sense of it all. What she would have given for a night of normal dreams instead of memories that left her tired and restless. What she would have given for a lot of things to be normal.
Monika decided she had laid down for long enough, and decided to instead contemplate while she got herself ready. It didn't take long considering she had slept in most of her school uniform, what with them being her only clothes, and after a minute spent tying her hair back with her signature tail and bow, she looked herself up and down to spot any irregularities. Her dress shirt was a bit wrinkled but her vest and blazer were still spotless, more than acceptable for a day at school without looking too unkempt. After a splash of water on her face and a wave to one of the volunteers, Monika stepped out of the Helping-Hands Shelter and out into what she hoped would be a less challenging day for her. Sure she was still adjusting to this new reality she found herself in, but each day would prove to be less of a struggle then the last as she adjusted to her surroundings, right?
The downpour that awaited her the moment she stepped out onto the stairs happily sucker punched that notion. With no umbrella or any means of transport to the school aside from walking, Monika reluctantly stepped out onto the sidewalk and began her brisk walk to school. Each drop chilled her to the bone and made her shiver in her uniform as the rain slowly but surely soaked her over. She considered hailing for a cab of some kind just to escape the weather, but then thought about the amount of yen she had left. Staying in an internet cafe her first night (it wasn't something she thought fondly of) had cost her roughly 1,400 plus the food she had bought over the past couple days, including the candied sweet potato, added up to about 2,200 yen. That left her with only 1,300 yen in her bag, adding the fare of a taxi would at the bare minimum cut that amount in half leaving her with hardly a few hundred yen left to last her... however long until she found a way to make money.
The rain only came down harder, and Monika's walk turned into a sprint. From her estimations a walk from the school to the shelter was a little under an hour, and if she kept a decent pace with only a few breaks to catch her breath then she figured she could effectively make it in a third of that time. Not that she was worried about being late of course, she had purposefully set her alarm to wake her up a little earlier than need be, but she knew she'd need a decent amount of time to dry off unless she wanted to walk into school on her second day looking like a drowned dog. Then she remembered that in everyone else's mind she had been going to school for several months already and that this day wasn't anymore important than any other, but to Monika it was.
If it hadn't been for the wind and rain, Monika might've almost enjoyed the rush of pushing herself into going past her physical limits. Perhaps she could humor joining the school's track team, but that of course would interrupt the meetings of the literature club. After the awkward and argument filled session from yesterday a hint of doubt made her briefly consider if keeping up the club was even worth it, but she quickly shook it away. She couldn't abandon her club so easily, not without a fight.
The sprint to school proved to harder than Monika had thought. With the weather being as it was she couldn't afford to run too fast lest she slip along the sidewalk (wet she could handle, but scraped and muddy was out of the question), and the morning commute seemed to suffer from the rain as well since every crossing and intersection she passed seemed to take twice as long to get through. It was by sheer luck she managed to dodge a puddle of grimy water that a passing car splashed in her direction near what she thought as the halfway point, and Monika found herself thankful that all of her papers and books were safely inside of her bag. The bag that was not in her hands or over her shoulder or even anywhere on her person.
Monika whipped around as a sudden surge of panic closed in on her. Had she dropped it while she was running and not even realized? She hadn't even finished the thought when she realized she knew exactly where it was. She had never even picked it up in the first place, it still lay tucked beneath her cot all the way back in the shelter. She had been so preoccupied with thinking about her dream that she had completely forgotten the only thing she was supposed to grab for school. How had she been so careless? Biting back a string of curses that would make even Natsuki blush, Monika turned and bolted back the way she came.
Forty minutes later, Monika found herself standing underneath the school's overhang with her hand against the wall and her chest heaving. Sprinting halfway to the school only to run to the shelter and back again had left her winded beyond belief, she wasn't sure she had ever run so hard or fast in her life. The rain had long since soaked through her uniform, leaving her drenched and shivering and her muscles a little more than strained, but at least she had her bag. The bell had yet to ring to signify the start of homeroom and the last of the students were making their way into the building as they dried themselves off and folded their umbrellas in.
Some gave Monika sympathetic glances, others snickered or made passing comments to their friends as they passed by. She didn't acknowledge them, it was easier to just grit her teeth and try to dry off before she was late for class. The last of the students had gone in just as Monika wrung the water out from the hem of her skirt and was beginning to worry if she would have enough time to dry off before class.
"Gee, thanks for programming me a house. Or an umbrella, or- and this is just a thought, anything remotely helpful." Monika hissed through grinding her teeth. She was so preoccupied dumping the water from her shoes that she almost missed the sound of another pair coming up to meet her.
"Good morning Monika. Did the rain catch you too?" She glanced up to see the soft and smiling face of Sayori standing over her, something that only seemed to add another thorn into Monika's morning. She really didn't want the club to think she was losing it, though if she was honest it was really starting to feel that way. Monika sighed and slipped her shoes back on over her stockings before straightening her blazer and turning to look at her clubmate.
"What it's look like?" Monika grumbled as she stepped into school with Sayori following behind her. Their last conversation seemed fresh in Monika's mind, but if Sayori was thinking about the altercation she wasn't showing it. Someone had turned the AC units on, something Monika felt ought to have been illegal during such an early hour, Sayori noticed it too as she visibly shivered while shoving her own umbrella into her bag and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
"Brrr, it sure is chilly today! You'd think it was winter already instead of October- well, almost October." Sayori's voice trailed off into a hum as Monika arrived at her locker, stuffing it with the extra books and papers she wouldn't need until later classes. Sayori began to do the same, though Monika got the feeling her vice president was casting glances her way from just out of her peripherals. So she was thinking about their last encounter.
Just be nice. Monika could be nice, she was Monika after all. Former leader of the debate club and star student among the faculty. That's what she had been before the club, right? Being nice wasn't a hard concept to grasp by any means, so why did she keep finding herself wanting to snap at her club members? The two of them put up their books in silence until they made to close their lockers when Monika took a deep breath and turned to Sayori.
"Hey, I'm uh... I'm really sorry for being so snippy yesterday, and this morning too. I'm just frustrated, I guess. My life is getting turned upside down and I've been really off because of it, haven't I?" Monika asked with a forced chuckle. Sayori answered with a concerned smile, straightening her books in her arm as she began to walk to class.
"Yeah, I didn't really know how to bring it up yesterday and I think I might've really upset you." She admitted. "When we didn't hear from you Monday or Tuesday, we started to worry a bit since none of us knew your number or anything. I'm glad to see you're back and everything, I missed not having the club to look forward to." Sayori seemed like she was about to switch the topic to something else when Monika glanced up at a passing clock; two minutes until the bell rang, which meant she'd need to wrap the conversation up unless she wanted them both to be late.
"I'm glad you have the club to fall back on. And I promise I'll be back to your happy-go-lucky club president in no time, hopefully by the time the festival comes around next week." She concluded. Sayori almost looked like she wanted to ask what was troubling Monika again, but seemed to think better of it after a second and nodded. Figuring that wrapped things up well enough Monika began to head towards her class until Sayori's voice stopped her in her tracks.
"Oh! You know its funny you mentioned the festival actually. I was thinking about what happened yesterday and thought that maybe if were really nice about it we could-" Monika closed her eyes while she listened to the girl begin to prattle again, holding back her exasperation as she turned to try and gently explain that the two of them were about to be late for their respective classes when another voice caught them both by surprise.
"Like, oh my gosh! There you are, Monika!" Both of the girls turned to see another student approaching, this one a girl that reached to be about Monika's height but with shorter blonde hair stuck out at her shoulders and a pair of black rimmed spectacles sitting plainly on her nose. Monika thought she looked a little familiar, but Sayori suddenly shifted in demeanor and whispered a hurried "Gonna be late, gotta go!" before doing a one-eighty and turning down the hall. Monika almost glanced back to ask the girl about her sudden departure, but the new arrival threw an arm around her shoulder and directed her towards Monika's homeroom class.
"God Moni, since when did you become such a pushover?" She asked as the two of them stepped into the classroom, and it was then that Monika recognized her as one of her fellow classmates that shared homeroom and a lunch period with her. The two of them shared some sort of history together, as the girl had badgered Monika all day yesterday about where she had been during the first half of the week and seemed to know quite a bit about Monika's student life. She even had a nickname for her. Had she known this girl before the literature club, during those blissful days of ignorance about her place in the world? Could she even call those days hers when they had just been preprogrammed memories?
"Like really, the Monika I knew wouldn't have let someone chatter her ear off when she was about to be late to class." The girl said as she slumped into a seat beside Monika's and readjusted her glasses. She had a mischievous glint in her eyes, and a knowing smile that hinged on a question that Monika could tell she was barely holding back. Monika wished she could remember the girl's name so as to make a better impression on her side, something that started with a Hih sound seemed about right. Hinata, or Hikari perhaps?
"Oh, well Sayori isn't so bad you know. Just excitable." Monika explained, though she wasn't sure she believed herself. As she pulled out her unfinished science work and grimaced at how little she had completed, she knew it was going to be a problem later on down the line.
"She's something alright, but come on Moni you've never been a good liar. I could see you silently fuming under that cheery look. She's in that writing club you started up, isn't she? Ugh, I told you starting that thing up would be too much for your workload, remember?" The girl's words were quick to stumble out of her mouth, her confident smirk still plastered over her face in a way that almost made Monika think she found her discomfort humorous. The other students settled in just in time as Monika's homeroom teacher strolled into the room with a stack of papers in her hands that she dropped onto her desk at the front of class.
Monika's initial impression of Ms. Fujita was that of a strict business woman, stern and blunt but every now and again she'd break into a smile or two whenever she caught someone paying special attention. With her face and pulled back silver bun and stretched face Monika personally her to resemble a very clean vulture, or perhaps an eagle. After greeting the class and reminding them of the upcoming cultural festival, she began to sort through a few of the papers she brought before she began to teach them in force. Maybe Monika would have enough time to get a few more answers in after all.
"Literature club, but yes she is." Monika whispered in response. She made no mention of the last comment, but could see the girl was still making glances at her expectantly. After a quick look around to make sure nobody was paying them any mind, her classmate leaned over and whispered something back to Monika that made the upperclassmen's hair stand on end.
"You really don't remember who I am, do you? Ishida Himari? Debate Club?" Monika's blood ran cold, she hadn't expected for people to catch onto her bluff so quickly. She tried to think up a reasonable excuse as to not remember the girl, but the look on her face must've given too much away as Himari clapped her hands together with a look of delight etched onto her face.
"I knew it! Everyone's been saying you forgot everyone's name and that you keep looking really unsure and stuff, oh my God and poor Kenji was going to ask you out too! Aaaah, this is crazy! I've got to catch you up to speed!" Himari was practically hopping up and down in her seat while flapping her hands in front of her like a flightless bird, but a stern look from their homeroom teacher seemed to settle her down as she bowed her hands in a quick apology.
Monika quickly returned to finishing her schoolwork as she tried to recall the notes they had gone over yesterday. What were the steps for obtaining the mass of an object using a balance? Would she have enough time to pull out her textbook before her teacher properly began? It didn't help that now she had a lingering question in the back of her head of just how many people were assuming she was now some kind of amnesiac wandering around the school.
"How'd you know?" Monika whispered back. Himari seemed pleased to continue the conversation and after a glance towards the front of the room leaned back towards Monika.
"Oh Kenji told me, and like that is the funniest thing because he was going to save it for the festival- oh, you mean about you losing your memory?" Monika nodded. "Oh, well aside from you being like super quiet yesterday and not acknowledging me, I decided to see if the rumors were true and gave you a little test. First off, you never let me call you Moni without getting super pissy. Second, you're always super punctual and would've normally been in homeroom like, five minutes before the bell." Himari ticked each of the reasons off of her fingers as she spoke. "Third, you never would've come into school with unfinished work unless something big had happened. Like maybe Tomoe or Ayano I could see, but you? No way."
Well, that was another person who was noticing Monika's odd behavior. First her club members and now her classmates, Monika wasn't sure pretending everything was normal was a good enough cover anymore. Memory loss wasn't a terrible one however, and if some of the student body already believed she had suffered from sort of injury then that was all the more reason to lean on it as an explanation. With a nod of confirmation Monika turned back towards Himari.
"You caught me, I was involved in a car accident Sunday evening." Monika told her classmate with the first explanation she could think of. "I didn't want people to go out of their way and worry or anything like that, so I've been trying to keep it under wraps. Guess that didn't pan out so well."
"Now that sounds like the Monika I remember, trying to come back to school with a concussion and playing it cool so you don't fall behind." Himari teased. "But don't worry, your secret is like, totally safe with me! You have to sit with me at lunch so I can catch you up and tell you everything like who asked me out on a date-"
"Ms. Ishida, I cannot possibly hope to tell you how you all fared on last week's English assessment when you're too busy gossiping with your classmates. Considering what you were graded, I suggest you close your lips and open your ears since it seems you've been doing the opposite during my teachings." Ms. Fujita stood in front of the chalkboard, her arms crossed and her eyes zeroed in on the two of them like that of a hawk. A few of their classmates chuckled, but Himari took it in stride and gave another apology while Monika simply sat with her hands crossed over her desk and an apologetic smile on her face. Monika got the feeling that her homeroom teacher was not a woman to be trifled with, and she wagered her chat with Himari had already done just that.
After a knowing wink from Himari, Monika had devoted the rest of her attention towards her classwork in hopes of catching up despite her handicap. The day seemed to drag on as minutes transformed into hours, and all the while the rain outside refused to let up resulting in a somewhat cozy if not gloomy day of class. Monika didn't mind the rain so much now that she wasn't stuck out in it, and even found it calming to certain degree that allowed her to focus on her work better. Finally after a day of morning classes the clock landed on 12:30 signaling that the student's lunch break was upon them.
Although Himari had asked Monika to sit together, Monika didn't really feel like explaining why she was only having a couple leftover slices of candied sweet potato for lunch. So she had instead decided to wander through the school to help clear her head while she ate. It wasn't that she was ashamed, well perhaps it was a slight bit embarrassing, but more so she was trying to avoid as many questions as possible. She wasn't confident in the lie to begin with and the thought of starting her formal education with secrecy didn't appeal to her integrity one bit, but she had already made her bed and would no doubt have to lie in it eventually.
"I wonder if this is how Natsuki feels, always trying to keep her head down and avoid personal questions." Monika mused aloud as she tossed the empty box into a garbage bin. At that moment however her eyes caught a familiar flash of pink as she wandered aimlessly down the hallway, and turned to see inside one of the empty classrooms sat Natsuki herself. Across from her sat a crestfallen Sayori with a half-finished bowl of rice left forgotten as she stared at the desk between them. Monika couldn't hear what they were saying through the glass of the door, but she did notice that Natsuki seemed to be holding back a scowl while Sayori would look up only to reassure her friend with a smile before looking back at the desk vacantly again. Monika considered stepping in to ask if everything okay, but her hand stopped at the door's handle.
This isn't any of your business. It was true, they hadn't asked her to intrude on their personal conversation. All she would do was embarrass Sayori and anger Natsuki which was bound to lead to another fun club session this afternoon. After all, if there was really something wrong going on then they would have come to her. Monika retracted her hand and promptly turned down the hallway before either of them could notice her. She hadn't gotten far when a door from the end of the hallway opened, a bundle of blonde hair peering out as it looked up and down the hall before settling on Monika.
Himari quickly waved her over with a gleeful look on her face before retreating back into the classroom and sliding the door shut. Monika raised an eyebrow at the invitation, but with nowhere else to go during her lunch period she resigned to indulging her classmate just a bit. There was even the chance it might help her integrate herself back into the student body, something she had been considering in the back of her mind for the better half of the day. As Monika slid the door shut behind her she heard the hyperactive ring of Himari greeting her, along with a couple other voices.
"Moni! I thought you weren't going to show up, where have you been? Did you already eat or something? God there is so much to go over, but first I gotta reintroduce you to everyone just in case you don't remember them!" Himari was sitting at a group of desks that had been pushed together with several other students that Monika didn't recognize, most of which raised a hand in greeting to her. Himari went over each of their respective names whilst asking Monika if she remembered them, but the girl spit their names out so fast that Monika simply found it easier to assure that they all rang a bell in Monika's memory to some degree. This seemed to satisfy Himari well enough that she picked up a half-eaten bento and shifted their conversation over to the new arrival in the room.
"Okay okay, so I already told everyone that absolutely nobody can know about your car accident so like, don't worry there!" Himari stated with a confirming nod from the others. "But first off, I don't know if you remember being class rep or anything, but they had me filling in for you during your absence. So like, I can totally keep doing that unless you want to spend your time cleaning chalkboards and delegating cleaning responsibilities." But Monika shook her head.
"No, I think it'd be good for me to step back into into a position of responsibility. But thank you for stepping in during my days out, I'm sure you did an excellent job." Monika admitted with a polite smile. "My memory mostly seems to suffer with names and faces, so it shouldn't be too hard to get back into the routine."
"Yeah, I don't think anyone really likes you as class rep Himari. You never shut up." One of the boys teased, getting a chorus of chuckles from the group.
"Shut up Kenji! I already told Monika you were going to ask her out during the festival, so you can stop acting cute for her." The other members burst into a mixture of guffaws and snickers as Kenji switched between panicked looks towards Monika and Himari.
"T-t-that was in confidence, Himari!" But Himari was too busy shoveling fish and noodles her into mouth to pay attention. Monika wasn't sure how to react at first, flashing an apologetic look to Kenji she decided to try and change the subject for his sake. She had no doubt getting one's own feelings revealed for amusement was a crushing blow, and silently hoped she would never experience such a thing.
Why worry? You know none of them are real, so you never have to worry about feeling that way towards anyone again. She didn't argue with her own thought process, it had a tendency to make valid points after all. With a polite cough, Monika decided to bring the conversation back around and away from the now embarrassed Kenji.
"Speaking of which what is your club planning to do for the festival, Himari?" This managed to actually get Himari's attention, enough for her to put her bento to the side and focus on Monika.
"Oh, right right! Yeah, so the debate club decided to host a stand with a bunch of topics and opinions written on cards lying on the counter. We're going to have a sign that says, 'Change Our Minds!' just like in that picture online." Himari put a proud look on her face, her hands placed confidently on her hips. "People can come up and try to change our opinions about whatever topic they choose, and it was all thought up by yours truly! We're going to have different members rotating in and stuff so everyone can get a chance to go out and enjoy the festival."
Monika nodded at the explanation. It wasn't a bad idea for the debate club, all things considered. "That's awfully clever, as is swapping out the debater."
"Heck yeah it is, so what about your writing club? You guys going to do live book reviews or somethin?" A few of the other girls giggled. Was Himari taking a jab at her? They did look similar to the group of students that had passed her that morning, chuckling as she attempted to dry off, but she had been so preoccupied in making sure she didn't leave trail of water down the hall that it could have been anyone. A flash of pink at the door's window caught Monika's attention for a moment, but vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. Taking that as a signal that Natsuki had finished her talk with Sayori, she shook her head and turned back to the group.
"Since it's a literature club I thought me and my fellow members might write a bit of poetry to recite. We're going to be putting up posters ahead of time so that way anyone who'd like to come in and recite their own poems can get the jump. We really want to tap into our emotions and others' as well, you know?" Monika smiled, she was personally looking forward to the festival just to see how her plan would unfold. She'd always wanted to chance to get others introduced to literature and poetry on a bigger scale, and she was finally going to get that opportunity. The thought of her club recently had made her uncomfortable, but getting to carry out her plan of reciting poetry to other students and gaining new members made her swell with pride.
The flash of pink hair phasing by the window was brought to mind again, and Monika couldn't help but sheepishly admit, "I'm still trying to coax all of my members into actually performing though."
"Coaxing and emotions huh? Sure it's not a therapy club or something?" One of the girls who had giggled asked before falling into another fit of hysterics with her friend, grabbing the attention of the room as they reeled back in laughter. Monika frowned, unsure of what exactly had spurred on such a remark, but before she could retort Himari took the charge again by jabbing her chopsticks in the girls' direction.
"HEY! Don't be such an ass Kanako, that wasn't even funny. Monika was a member of the debate club too once, before you joined. She's also your senior so show her a bit of respect alright? You too Tomoe!" Both of the girls ceased laughing, instead quickly turning to give Monika an apologetic bow that she waved off. She was beginning to remember why the debate club had originally been too much for her. The rest of the group looked like they were waiting to see where the direction in the conversation would go, but at that minute a familiar theme played through the loudspeakers as the bell signified the end of the lunch period.
Everyone gathered their scraps and began to sort the desks back into their proper alignment while Himari lead Monika back out into the hall. With a turn she paused to call back to the others, reminding them to think up of topics for the club meeting that day before heading down the stairs with Monika at her side. As they passed down the stairwell Himari's face shifted to a look that remined Monika of a tired older sister looking after a group of particularly rambunctious siblings.
"God, I don't know how you managed running this schtick." She admitted as she ran a hand through her hair. "It's like trying to herd cats, you know? I love them but they're super dependent on me, always picking and fighting at each other and I'm all like, 'Guys there is literally a whole school full of people to test your wit on'. I didn't even get to tell you everything cause they started getting all pert with you and stuff." Himari rolled her eyes with a huff, though she brightened up when she looked back to Monika.
"Anyway, you should totally think about rejoining Moni. I promise it isn't as bad as it looks." Monika wasn't entirely sure about that last part, and while the thought of new people to meet and befriend was tempting to the part of Monika that longed for something new, she could always meet new people in her own club at the festival. Besides, the decision to originally leave the debate club hadn't been done on a whim. In fact she had spent an entire weekend teetering on the decision to stay or to go start her own club from what she remembered.
"Thank you, Himari, but that's just not for me. I have the literature club to look after now, and I'm really proud of what we've accomplished within the club up to this point." Monika could see a flash of disappointment in her classmate's eyes as she shook her head at the request, but there was something else there too. Intrigue perhaps?
"Yeah I know, I know. Maybe uh, maybe I could swing by during the festival? Actually, you know if people see a big crowd they'll flock to it just out of sheer curiosity. I could bring some of the others, make sure you get like, a good amount this year?" She asked. Monika was surprised by the offer, but it immediately gave way to excitement as she thought of garnering a bigger audience for her club so easily. Even if it did seem a little like cheating to trick others into giving her club a chance, maybe it was that little push to watch their presentation that would make all the difference if they joined or not.
"Would you? That's so sweet of you Himari, thank you so much!" Monika could hardly hide her glee, but she managed to keep her composure from slipping into something a bit too Sayori-like as they rounded the hallway that lead to their classroom. Himari shrugged the thanks aside and gave Monika a gentle slug in the arm.
"Oh God Moni, don't even worry about it, that's what friends are for right? But hey, if you want to make it up to me there is something I think you could do for me. You know, since you're a fellow club president and all." The two of them paused with Himari taking Monika to the side and making sure nobody could hear them as she lowered her voice to almost a whisper. "Tomorrow could I ask you a few questions about your club? You know, as a fellow president, I'd kinda like to get a better grasp at how everyone runs their club. Might even help me run the Debate Club! I'll be talking to the other presidents of course, but I would love to hear your input on some stuff, you know?"
Monika raised a brow at the girl's sudden hushed tone, unsure of the sudden request. She couldn't see a reason not to answer some questions in return for a boost to her club, but she couldn't understand why Himari seemed so secretive all of a sudden. Was she printing a paper about the clubs for some kind of assignment, or was she trying to sniff out some kind of secret? If nothing else, Monika could always say no if she didn't like the direction of the interview.
"I think I should be able to do that." Monika confirmed, offering another polite smile. Himari clapped her hands together and squealed before thanking Monika again and again, shaking her hands and promising she would get the literature club the biggest crowd that she could muster which lead Monika to thanking her again in return. The two of them returned back to class in brighter spirits than either had left in. It made Monika almost excited for getting the literature club together again after school. Almost.
"Okay, everyone!" Monika announced once the others had all gathered inside of the clubroom. The second half of day seemed to have slowed to a tortuous pace after her talk with Himari, but now that Monika was back in the clubroom she felt the familiar feelings of confidence and control swell through her as if they were pumping her heart with new blood. Yuri had already started the electric kettle that was stored within the closet and stood patiently beside it as she looked over to Monika, meanwhile Natsuki had simply slumped in her regular chair while Sayori tucked her phone away to give the club president her attention.
"So, first things first." Monika began. "I know yesterday we had some disagreements about our how to represent our club during the festival, and I'm prepared for more as we discuss it. But, I would really like to encourage everyone to think about the opportunities for the club. This is such a great chance for all of us to meet new people and have a chance to explore other forms of literature in ways we hadn't considered before, and I don't think it would be unfair to say some variety in group members would help in lowering tensions a bit."
It was true, having more members would likely put a stop to the continuous disagreements from Natsuki and Yuri since they wouldn't be forced to interact so often, but that had only been part of Monika's meaning. While more members would separate Yuri and Natsuki, it would also help separate Monika from having to be be so hands-on within the club. Rather than walking into the club everyday feeling awkward and facing unpleasant memories, she could distance herself a bit from the other three and focus on more beneficial club activities and discussions instead of the same conversations she had already been subject to. She would miss the interpersonal touch that came with such a tight-knit group, but it would be for the betterment of the club.
Don't get your hopes up Monika, replacing three illusions with ten illusions won't change what they are. It wasn't an incorrect statement, and Monika knew that. Sometimes the rational side of her was too pessimistic for her liking, and wondered if the more sentimental side had anything more hopeful to say.
Fake or not, you're debating ditching your friends for people you don't even know. This isn't you and you know it. So much for the sentimental side; she really was her own worst enemy when it came to this type of thing.
"So, since there's not much time left until the festival is upon us, I would like to once again ask you all if you could come together and help me make this festival something really special by performing your own poems." This was the moment she had been dreading all day, a confrontation with Natsuki and Yuri that would undoubtedly test her ability to coerce and persuade without pulling her ponytail out. "Natsuki, I know you in particular didn't-"
"Yeah I'll do it." Natsuki interrupted with a shrug. Monika blinked, so great was her surprise that she couldn't even continue for a moment as she tried to wrap her head around what she had heard. No argument? No begging or pleading? This wasn't how the conversation had gone down before.
"Just like that?" Monika asked as she peered at the girl. Natsuki sighed and nodded, leaning back in her chair.
"Just like that. Do you really think I'm that difficult or something? I... well, obviously I want what's best for the club too." Natsuki's voice had faltered during the second half in a way that made Monika unsure if she was really telling the truth. Her gaze switched to Yuri who was busy setting out teacups for everyone but shared her surprise, though seemed much better at suppressing it. Sayori wasn't watching Monika anymore and had instead seemed to be intentionally staring off towards the doorway. It was no doubt an odd change, but not one Monika was willing to delve deeper into. An argument free session was just what she needed to finish her school day.
"Well, I'm really glad to hear that Natsuki." Monika said with a smile. "Now, Yuri I know you had reservations, but I don't think a performance would be complete without your involvement. Can I count you in?" She watched as Yuri lowered her head and quietly poured each of them a cup before returning to her seat. She was quiet for a moment, taking deep breaths and refusing to meet anyone's eyes as she cowered behind her violet strands of hair. Monika knew that Yuri would be much easier than Natsuki, and with the rest of the club accepting their parts in the performance it was only a matter of time before Yuri caved in. Had Natsuki declined, Monika wasn't entirely convinced she would have been able to get either of them to perform.
"I suppose." Yuri eventually whispered, which managed to spread a smile on the other members' faces as they turned back to face her. Even Natsuki smirked at their shared fate in reluctantly performing poetry for others.
"Wonderful!" Monika clapped her hands together and gave the club an earnest smile. "Alright, well since that was quicker than I expected I'll let you all get to your reading. Oh, but we still need to discuss assignments for preparing for the festival! I'll get with you guys on that after we share our poems though. Thank you for listening everyone!" And with a conclusive bow she let the members disperse to their respective spots in the club for their leisure; Natsuki strolled over to the closet while Yuri pulled out her usual hardback novel to enjoy and Sayori remained at her desk. Taking this as the perfect time to begin hanging up the posters in the hallways, Monika went behind the teacher's desk and retrieved the crumpled posters from her bag.
The others had never given a concise choice as to which poster they thought was best given the argument that had spawned from it, so Monika simply reviewed the least crumped poster and decided that it would suffice for drawing the attention of any students passing by. After a few minor edits, Monika stepped over to the computer desk in the corner of the room and patiently waited while the copy machine sprang to life. It was just as she was adjusting the amount in the settings that she noticed someone approaching her out of the corner of her eye.
"Hey Monika. Got a minute?" Natsuki asked in a quiet voice. Monika glanced up at her from the screen to see that Natsuki had her opened manga still in her hands, her face a mixture of apprehension and hesitance as she fiddled with the pages between her fingers. For a moment the only sound was the rain tapping against the glass before Monika nodded to indicate that she was listening and turned back to the screen.
"Look, I'm not really one for asking about people behind their backs, but has Sayori talked to you about what's bothering her? Cause I don't think she's telling me everything." Natsuki whispered. Monika raised an eyebrow at that, turning to look over at Sayori sitting in her desk on the opposite side of the room while absentmindedly rubbing an eraser into the wooden surface. Monika recognized that look on her vice president, with a distracted look strewn across her face and her hand lazily propping her head up, it told Monika everything she needed to know. Sayori was at odds with her depression again, no doubt because of her conflicting feelings regarding them.
Wait, what? There was no them this time. Nobody to feel dejected by or unworthy for, nobody to rue over while they fraternized with everyone except for the one person who wanted them most and deserved them more than- Monika shook those thoughts away, they were only clouding her thinking space. What was wrong with Sayori? Everything that had happened in the game was being repeated to a certain degree here, but anything involving them seemed to conveniently be avoided whenever it came up, so what had caused Sayori to become so sullen? Had it been their quarrel yesterday? That was the biggest difference in interactions between the two when it came to here and the game, but surely it hadn't been that big of a deal to change Sayori's whole mood.
"Don't stare, I don't want her to know we're talking about her!" Natsuki hissed. Monika turned back to face the computer screen, though her mind longed to spiral into speculation as to what could be giving Sayori such grief she knew that it more than likely just a fluke. She was always supposed to deflate on this day after all, in all likelihood the program was just trying to fill in the blanks to make up for their absence and had made her upset about something trivial to keep things running smoothly. It was a comfort to be assured it wasn't anything serious, but the thought of still experiencing the same events had the opposite effect on Monika. She turned to Natsuki slightly and lowered her voice to match hers.
"I'm sure it's nothing, Natsuki. Sayori is probably just having a bad day." Monika whispered. The printer whirred to life as her posters began to slowly copy over into the receiving tray, and Monika felt that familiar spark of excitement at the thought of being one step closer to the festival.
"What? Hey, don't just brush me off! I'm coming to you with genuine concern, when have I ever done that before?" Natsuki's hands had clenched her manga even harder at her outburst as she crossed her arms, and it was enough for Monika to consider for a moment. It was true that she wouldn't have expected this from Natsuki of all people, and as such decided to entertain her for a moment while she finished her work.
"Alright, I understand." Monika said with a hand raised in defense. "Well, what did she tell you then? I haven't spoken to her much today, but I did pass by the room you two were sitting in during lunch. It didn't look like a fun chat." Natsuki glanced off to the side with a hint of unease in her eyes.
"Oh, you saw that. Well, no it wasn't. I mean I asked her why she looked all upset, and it took forever to get anything close to an answer out of her, but I think some dickhead rejected her." Natsuki murmured quickly. "She wouldn't tell me who it was, probably cause she knows I'll kick his ass, but I think whoever he is wasn't exactly nice about the rejection because she seemed really hurt by it." Monika almost smiled at what she heard; proof that it was just some quirk of the program or the world or whatever she was truly in filling in the gaps. Not wanting to give the wrong impression however she instead parted her lips in a small 'o' and gave a serious nod to her clubmate.
"Yeah, I can see how that might put her in such a funk." Monika admitted. Even if Sayori wasn't real, the pain of a rejection was something that she related to a little too hard, and she was surprised to find she almost felt bad for her. She drummed her fingers along the desk for a moment in thought before reaching for her printed posters and glancing off towards the girl in question. "Tell you what, how about I go over and talk to her a bit? I'll get her to come hang these posters up with me, and I'll casually bring it up. Sound good?"
Natsuki thought for a moment, flicking her eyes towards Sayori as well. "Yeah, I guess. I'm just not used to her being so tight-lipped. Normally it's hard to get her to shut up, but with how long we've been friends this just feels... different." Where had Monika heard that before? She put a hand up on Natsuki's shoulder and gave it a gentle pat before turning back to the computer screen as she closed out the printing application.
"I understand. I'll see what I can do, alright? Go on and enjoy your manga before you bend it, I'll wait a few moments before I go so that she doesn't get suspicious." Monika flashed her a confident smile that Natsuki returned with a unconvinced nod before returning to her spot on the floor beneath the windows. Monika patiently shifted through her posters for a few moments making sure none of the prints had any wrinkles or tears before she tucked them under her arm and stood up. She walked towards the door and acted as though she were about to step outside before turning to look at Sayori and stopping.
Feigning ignorance towards the situation, Monika slid into the desk next to Sayori's and gently nudged Sayori with her free hand. Sayori lifted her head and gave Monika a small smile, but they both knew there was no warmness behind it.
"Hey Sayori. I was wondering if you'd like to help me put these up in the halls?" She held up the bundle of posters for Sayori to see, but Sayori only shook her head and in an instant Monika remembered the last time they had had this conversation and she felt her body stiffen up at the memory. That creeping sense of discomfort began to seep through Monika's limbs, and a familiar pit began to expand in her chest as the remnants of that conversation began to replay in her mind. I need to make this conversation quick, she realized.
"I think I'm good, I'm kinda not feeling too well today." Sayori admitted as she turned back to stare towards the door. Monika felt a small wave of relief wash over her, but it was quickly followed by guilt at being so relieved. Monika could feel her own confidence and determination deflating, just like it always did when the two of them talked.
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that." The two of them were silent for a moment as Monika struggled with finding her voice, but Sayori managed for her as she reached into her bag and silently pulled out a sheet of paper that she handed to Monika. It was her poem, and for a moment Monika almost pretended to read it before returning it to Sayori with writing tips and encouragement, but then she realized this was not the same poem she had read on that Thursday so long ago. Instead of the title being "Bottles" she was greeted by a new title, this one reading "Lantern".
It isn't hard to light a lantern when you think about it.
All you do is grab a lantern, strike a match, and let it sail off into the autumn wind.
Anyone and everyone can light a lantern, even if you don't think you can.
It wasn't designed to be hard at all, so there's no good reason for anyone to be unable to light a lantern.
For the longest time I wasn't sure if I could light a lantern, as much as I wanted to see its golden glow in the dark sea.
But anyone can light a lantern, and so I tried to light mine ablaze for all the people who wanted to see its light with me.
Gather gather, build build
Flicker flicker, spark spark.
Anyone can light a lantern, and I was so happy when I finally lit mine and set it off into the sky with all the others.
But what they don't say is that anyone can light a lantern because it's the easiest part,
Nobody tells you how long it takes to gather the paper and oil for a lantern.
Nobody tells you how complicated it is to fit everything together snugly so it can fly into the dark.
Nobody tells you that the hardest part is making sure the flame stays lit once you set it loose for all to see.
Monika read the poem through quickly, then slowed down her brain and gave it another look before glancing up at Sayori. Neither of them spoke, the silence feeling like an uncomfortable weight upon Monika's back the longer it went on. She wanted to say something, to ask Sayori why her poem was different when it had no reason to be, what had transpired to make her write this different poem? Monika wasn't even sure as to why the difference in poems was leaving her at a loss for words in the first place. Finally Sayori retrieved the poem and slipped it back into her bag, and Monika felt as though a breath she had been holding was finally released.
"You alright, Monika?" Sayori asked as she turned back to look at her. The sad smile was gone, now replaced by a look of concern. "It wasn't that bad of a poem was it?"
Monika quickly gathered her thoughts together and shook her head. "Not at all! I was just surprised by it I think, I think I was expecting something else." She silently hoped Sayori wouldn't ask her to elaborate on the matter, and to her relief the girl didn't press any further.
"Come on Monika, you know my style by now." Sayori laughed, though like her smile it lacked any real mirth. "Anyway, I hope you don't mind if I head home a bit early. I don't really think I can stay in school any longer today. I doubt I'd be much fun in the club right now anyway." Without waiting for an answer Sayori leaned down beneath her chair and slung her bag over her shoulder before standing up and stretching.
"I'll catch you tomorrow, make sure to text me about what we're all doing to help prepare for the festival okay?" With a cheery wave and a pleasant smile on her face, Sayori turned to the door and walked out into the hallway leaving Monika sitting at a desk with an expression of bemusement still on her face. It was so close to being just as she remembered, but there were too many things out of the ordinary for Monika to willingly look past and ignore. She wanted to just shrug the encounter off as another example of the program filling in the missing scenarios with its own calculated substitute, but something in her head wouldn't let her.
Natsuki and Yuri's accelerated acceptance of the festival made sense since the person who originally solved it was no longer here, and compensation had to be made. Sayori's despondent mood was originally a byproduct of their interactions within the club among the other members, and as such it was fitting that a simple fill-in had to be made to properly occupy that spot. All of these resolutions, while odd to Monika's basic understanding of coding and programming, made sense from a logistical standpoint.
What didn't make any sense was the change in the Sayori's poem. Everything until now had held some semblance of familiarity to her, even the people and places she had not recognized fully like Himari and Ms. Fujita were reminiscent of vague memories from a time before she had become aware of the hole in the wall. Up until now everything held that familiar feeling of a long lost dream brought to light, everything except for that poem.
As Monika stepped outside into the hall to find spots for their posters she felt a tingling sensation in the back of her mind. When she stapled a poster to the corkboard beside the bathrooms that tingling became a prickling. And when she paused to lean against the windows and listen to the rain tap against the glass it became akin to a sting. That stinging sensation was the haunting notion that made Monika shake just by thinking about it; either the program she found herself in was capable of simply creating new objects and scenarios wholly unprepared, or Sayori was not quite as fake as she had thought.
Monika wasn't sure which thought terrified her more.