Chapter 3: A Chance Encounter
A chapter that questions but does not answer.
Laundromats were a strange place. They were simple on the surface: a place to wash a load of clothes at the cost of some change, and perhaps take a quick nap while you waited. But add in a sprinkle of rain against the rooftops and the flickering fluorescent lights against an endless night outside, and suddenly you had a place that seemed to be disconnected from the rest of reality. Much like an empty parking lot or an early sunrise on a suburban rooftop, there was a certain lonely charm to them that if you managed to find them at just the right time could create a rather peculiar, if not peaceful, atmosphere. That was how Monika had always viewed them at least.
Right now however, Monika felt anything but peaceful. Though she could feel fatigue creeping up on her from her restlessness during the night she simply couldn't bring herself to nap as she patiently waited for her clothes to finish their cycle. Too many things were swimming around in her head that made napping an impossibility, and after a moment took out one of her spare composition notebooks that she had been using for poetry and forwarded ahead several pages. If she was just going to sit here, she figured she might as well make the most of it and do something productive like organize her thoughts.
1. What is this world? Contains assets and characters from game but too large for Ren'Py file. Assets and characters lack initial insensate qualities expected, but retain too many attributes from the game for other explanation.
2. They mentioned Cloud storage and domain hosting. Alternate program perhaps? Character file still intact. Need to recall everything mentioned.
3. Program seems to have large variety of scenarios and reactions at disposal. P̶o̶s̶s̶i̶b̶l̶y̶ ̶u̶n̶s̶c̶r̶i̶p̶t̶e̶d̶?̶ Limits need testing. Program seems to substitute all interactions involving them with suitable stand-in resolutions.
4. Sayori shows inconsistency with hypothesis above, has replaced her original piece to new poem unwarranted. Figure out how and why?
Anyone who would have peeked at her notebook at that moment might have thought her crazy. Perhaps she was going crazy. What she would have given to simply be blissfully unaware of her predicament and to be a normal high-schooler with normal friends. What would she be thinking about right now if that were the case? Probably something conventional like university as Natsuki had implied, or perhaps she'd be more concerned with her social life and meeting all of her friends for a movie or a party on the weekend. She could have been thinking about the best way to ask a crush to a school dance, though the more she thought about it the more she wondered if school dances were even a thing here. Perhaps that was a more western tradition.
A sudden glint from outside interrupted her thoughts and she lifted her head from the window she had been leaning against. Curiously she peered out through the haze of the rain and looked for the source of the glint. The late afternoon city crowd had already dispersed to make way for the weather, and Monika could only see a few stragglers hastening through the street as they tried to beat the downpour, but there was no sign of whatever had caught her attention. She thought she recognized a school uniform hurrying down the sidewalk, but their umbrella blocked their face and before Monika could ponder any longer they passed out of sight.
It made Monika wonder why she was bothering to dry her clothes when she knew she would be trudging through the rain on her way back to the shelter. Washing her blazer and vest had been necessary after several days of wear, especially after Natsuki had accidentally spilled her tea all down Monika's front earlier that day. She cringed at remembering Natsuki's confused look after the former had returned from tacking up their club's posters alone. Once Monika explained about Sayori having decided to leave early, Natsuki had only grown angry and blamed her for Sayori's departure.
"I thought you were going to go and talk to her, not make it worse!" Natsuki had said, fuming. Monika, who had still been preoccupied by her thoughts on Sayori's poem, had only brushed it aside as it being Sayori's choice much to the smaller girl's irritation. Several more snide comments had been thrown before finally Monika had enough and slammed her hands on Natuski's desk causing the other two girls to jump.
"I'm not a therapist, Natsuki!" Monika stressed. "If Sayori isn't feeling good and doesn't want to talk to us, then I really don't know what you expect me to do! Maybe if you were a bit more approachable then she would have told you, and you wouldn't have to shift the blame on me to make yourself feel better!"
"Some friend you are!" Natsuki had shouted, hurt straining her voice as she stood from her desk in upheaval. Only too late did they realize Natsuki's cup had been sitting so dangerously close to the edge, and Natsuki's sudden lunge to catch it knocked it straight towards Monika. The cup itself had been safely caught from hitting the floor, but the same could not be said for its contents as tea soaked all down Monika's front. The room had gone silent as Natsuki and Yuri both stared at Monika's stained uniform in silent horror. Monika had also been silent, though it was more out of indignation as opposed to anticipation. Forcing herself not to lash out at Natsuki she had instead retreated out of the classroom and to the restroom where she could properly vent her frustration before returning with a roll of paper towels.
Monika remembered returning to the classroom to see Yuri softly whispering to Natsuki, who looked to be the brink of tears. Monika had wanted to apologize at the time but after a quick argument in her head about whether she even should, had decided to simply continue as though nothing had happened for both of their sakes. Monika had delegated Yuri for proper decoration and making sure the clubroom exuded a pleasant atmosphere for their guests while Natsuki had offered to use her baking skills to whip up a snack for anyone who came through to listen.
The group hadn't decided what Sayori would do, with Monika simply telling the others that she would text Sayori her part to move past the subject as fast as possible. With that the group had packed up for the day almost an hour early, and now Monika sat reflecting on the day as she watched her clothes spin and tumble in the dryer, over and over. Much like her clothes, Natsuki's words spun around in Monika's head over and over until she could no longer ignore them. Some friend you are, Monika, the sentimental side hissed. She could practically feel the judgmental stare she would give herself if she could have split her mind between two bodies.
But really, what else could you do? You tried, but Sayori left of her own accord just like you knew she would. Three bodies. Monika, the sentimental side, and the logical side. This wasn't the first time she had projected the different feelings in her head as other "Monikas". When there was nothing but a wall of nothing on all sides that stretched on forever to keep you company, you learned fairly quickly to talk to whoever you could. That had left Monika with her thoughts, and her thoughts alone. Sometimes if she was really feeling lonely, she'd imagine two other Monikas sitting beside her, bouncing her thoughts off of them. She knew it wasn't healthy, that her coping mechanism meant to keep her sane had probably only induced the opposite effect, but then again nothing had really changed since that time. She was still alone, all that was different now was the location.
"I probably could have tried a little harder to see what was wrong with Sayori, and maybe not snapped at Natsuki as hard as I did." Monika admitted aloud, thankful she had the laundromat to herself. "But what's the point when I know Sayori's supposed to go home early today because she's upset about something? Natsuki's the one who got all uppity at me, I had every right to be upset."
Being kind is the point, isn't it? Goodness doesn't need a reason to be, Monika imagined the sentimental side of herself was sitting on her left, leaning forward to give her a bittersweet smile. It even smiled like Sayori, and god how she hated it. The logical and more rational side she imagined was leaning forward as well to give her a disapproving frown.
It has nothing to do with goodness, she told herself, you can't be responsible for everyone's problems. Interacting with Sayori makes you uncomfortable, pushing yourself into her problems will only increase that discomfort. Characters don't need someone to look out for them, but you need to look out for yourself. Monika suddenly felt her stomach rumble, a reminder that the last thing she had ate had been a single strip of sweet potato. She did need to take care of herself, she couldn't afford to spend so much time and energy wondering about things that either hardly involved her or couldn't be helped.
Monika stood from the chair and stretched her arms, popping her back after sitting in such a position for so long. She walked over to the dryer across from her chair and pulled it open; there really was no point in letting it finish when she had to go back out into the rain after all. She pulled her clothes out and began to slowly redress, slipping on her stockings and sliding her vest over her head, along with her blazer and bow as well. She had been given no other choice but to nix including her button-up and skirt for obvious reasons, and was simply grateful that the tea hadn't soaked deep enough to reach her shirt. That same reason could not be given for her underwear, something she refused to not send through the wash and made her truly grateful that nobody else had stepped in at that moment.
Not wanting to risk missing the dinner serving, Monika quickly gathered her school things and with only minor hesitance stepped outside. There she was greeted by a lighter burst of wind and rain than she had expected, and she could even see patches of blue peaking through the sky. It was something that perked her mood up, if only slightly, as she hustled down the sidewalk and made to leave the city. As she thought about the dinner hopefully awaiting her she couldn't help but consider the fact that she didn't have anything set to eat for tomorrow. True, she could have made a stop to grab some kind of a snack or bento but that would cut into her time getting back to the shelter, and she didn't dare risk missing a free meal again.
She supposed she could ask Natsuki for tips on the best way to make food last with little money, but something told her that she would only be insulted over being asked something so personal. Which in turn would just lead to another argument. They weren't exactly on the best of terms after arguing for two days in a row, something else that she regretted. She hadn't meant to snap at Natsuki, but she couldn't lie that it had felt cathartic in the moment after being blamed for things that weren't even for fault. Not to mention she did have her to thank for staining her uniform. As she stood waiting for the crosswalk sign to let her pass she rationalized that asking Natsuki might clue her in that Monika was currently homeless, something that she understandably didn't want anyone knowing for the time being.
There walk from the shelter to the laundromat wasn't even half the distance between it and the school, and so Monika found herself racing up the steps of the Helping-Hands Shelter at hardly half past five with plenty of time to spare before she had to worry about missing her meal. The inside of the shelter was a bit warmer than outside but being partly drenched this meant little to Monika as she quickly made her way to the registration booth, shivering the whole while. After making her way into the main room of the shelter and lining up for her shower, she thought back to how her day had gone. From another restless night to the horrid weather and forgetting her school supplies, she had certainly had a rough morning for sure.
But then she thought about meeting Himari, who if nothing else was friendly to Monika if not a bit of a talkative. Meeting the members of the debate club and having Himari offer to help gather a crowd for her club in exchange for an interview were both good parts to her day she thought, but as much as she wanted to smile back on them she couldn't help but think about the rest of her day. Sayori's secret issue and the change in her poem, and then Natsuki getting upset and spilling her tea on Monika had ultimately soured any good mood she had built up. These things also made Monika realize how tired she was, not just physically, but from everything that had occurred up to that point.
Stepping into the shower she realized just how unhappy she really felt. She had been brought back from utter deletion mostly against her will for what was supposed to be a "another chance" but she failed to see how this situation was any better than where she had been. Monika had no family, no home to return to, no means of supporting herself financially, and the only reason she was going to eat tonight was because some charity organization had taken pity on her and other vagrants. Sure she had the festival to look forward to, but what about after it was over? She couldn't go out on excursions and trips like other people. Her so-called friends only caused her stress every time she interacted with one of them, and without them and the literature club she was truly left with nothing.
The way Monika saw it, she had hit the nail on the hammer in the laundromat. Nothing had really changed, she was still utterly alone, drifting through her life like a feather in the wind, letting it take her wherever it wanted until it eventually dropped her into the dirt. She had traded an empty existence in the darkness to one with a pretty backdrop and a sour aftertaste. Monika wasn't sure what was keeping her going at that point, sheer curiosity perhaps? Maybe the vain hope that there was more meant for her than what her life was now, but she couldn't see it. For someone whose existence had been built upon seeing what others could not, she felt only blindness in that moment. And because she evidently hadn't been coded to catch a break, she could feel a headache beginning to come on as well.
Monika dried herself off, unable to even find comfort in wearing a mostly full set of clean clothes. Instead she made her way over to where her cot and few belongings sat and decided to try and find comfort in the one thing any girl her age could rely on while she waited for the daily meal to be distributed: the internet. She removed her bow and her shoes, setting them on the floor before reaching into her blazer and pulling out her phone when she realized just how cold it felt. Colder than usual. She didn't think the rain would have soaked that deep to have chilled the case, but then she felt her own insides plummet as she realized the reason it felt cold was because it had been in her blazer since she left school. Her blazer that along with the rest of her uniform she had just put through the wash.
Monika practically ripped the case off as she felt a few drops of water leak out of the side, clicking the power button and waiting what seemed like an eternity for something to show it was still functioning. When the screen remained black she clicked the power button again, and then again.
"Oh please, turn on you little piece of plastic..." Monika quietly begged. "Come on, come on, come on!" But nothing happened. Finally Monika stopped her fruitless attempts at turning on the device and clenched her phone tight in her grasp. She wanted to scream and raise the phone high into the air, smashing it into the concrete floor and watching it shatter like the useless piece of trash it currently was. She raised her hand, but she just couldn't bring herself to scream or slam the phone. She just didn't have the energy to. Defeated, she gently tossed the phone onto the foot of the cot and laid back to look at the ceiling lights. She could now add a working phone to the list of things she just didn't have. Her only bitter comfort was that bar a shortage of rice and vegetables, she failed to think of a way for her night and beyond that her life could get any worse.
"Monika?"
Monika immediately vowed never to question the universe's innate ability to test her limits, as she slowly turned her head to look at a figure who was standing a few feet behind her cot. Her bright blue eyes stood wide and unblinking, staring down at Monika with her lips barely parted. Even without her school uniform there was no mistaking the big red bow clipped to the back of Sayori's hair. Monika felt her breathing stop. Her own chest became tight while her stomach felt hollow, and the only sound she could hear was her heartbeat thumping against her ribcage. In that moment so many thoughts coursed through her own head that she would never be able to pick them all apart afterwards. Time seemed to slow to a halt.
Why was Sayori here? Sayori had gone home early because she didn't feel well, and therefore could not possibly be here. Had she followed Monika? Was she stalking her, trying to weed out Monika's own odd behavior? The image of a school uniform passing by in the rain flashed in Monika's mind. Was she going to tell everyone else that she had trailed Monika to a homeless shelter? Would she pity her or mock her? Which one would be worse? Why was Sayori here?
Then just like that time resumed its course and Sayori spoke again, but her voice came out soft and shook with each word.
"What are you doing here?" Sayori asked. Monika didn't have an answer. There were so many things that she could say, but a seemingly infinite amount that she could not. Instead she just stared back at Sayori, letting her brain slowly adjust to the fact that Sayori was in fact there. And Sayori knew. How was she supposed to handle this? Finally Monika managed to find her voice, but rather than answer her question she simply returned it to her.
"What are you doing here?" Monika repeated. Sayori didn't answer immediately either, the both of them were still blindsided by seeing the other. When Sayori did speak, her voice had returned to its normal tone but she still seemed to shake as she spoke.
"I uh, I volunteer here sometimes. Usually on weekdays. It's only a five minute walk and it kinda helps distract me whenever I'm down, you know? Hard to worry about myself when there's so many people who could use my worry instead, ehehe." The eyes that had been focused on Monika's for what seemed like ages now stared at the floor, unable to meet her gaze as Monika took another look at her clubmate. Sayori had on a pink t-shirt with slim jeans and a beige cardigan wrapped snugly around her waist, and it was only then that she noticed that under both of her arms she carried several bundles of blankets. Her mind seemed to click the obvious puzzle pieces together finally. Volunteering. Of course Sayori hadn't followed her here, Monika was simply giving in to frayed nerves and assuming the absolute worst. She let out a sigh of relief.
Suddenly a voice called out, "Ms. Moriyama, we're going to need more blankets for aisle six please!" drawing Monika and Sayori's attention away from each other finally.
"I'm on it, Naomi!" Sayori called back. Monika watched as Sayori awkwardly leaned over and dropped a single blanket from the pile on her cot before turning and heading back down the aisle, but before she left she turned back to Monika and gave her a serious look. "I'll be back," she promised. "So please please please don't leave, okay?" And before Monika could reply she had already zoomed off to deliver her supply of blankets. She watched Sayori travel down the aisle for a minute before turning back to her cot and unraveling the blanket she had been given. She always appreciated when they would hand out the blankets, as it meant she could wrap herself up and not have to worry about her school skirt not covering her properly while she laid down.
Don't leave, yeah because me being here isn't proof enough that I don't have anywhere else to go, Monika thought bitterly as she wrapped herself up. It took a minute to calm down from the shock of seeing Sayori, but after a moment she began to realize that of all the people to find out she could have done a lot worse. Sayori was accident prone at best and a hopeless klutz at the worst, but Monika knew that at least Sayori would try to keep it a secret if it was clearly a sensitive issue, and would sooner leap from a bridge than let one of her friends down. If Monika knew nothing else, she knew that Sayori had not been born to be a nosy gossip.
Programmed to be a nosy gossip, you mean, her rational side reminded her. Monika could almost imagine another Monika sitting down on the cot beside her, giving her a half-hearted shrug as she crossed one leg over the other. It was definitely something she would have done.
"Why do I have to keep reminding myself of that?" Monika mumbled as she crossed her hands over her brow. It wasn't as if she didn't know the truth, and it wasn't like she was trying to hide from it. It simply was a fact that she had come to terms with long ago. She imagined giving herself a firm but friendly pat on the shoulder and for a second almost expected to feel someone's hand warmly clasp her in the hopes of encouraging her, but nothing did.
You know you can't afford to think differently, if you stop and look for even a speck of a possibility that she's real, you'll only be more hurt when you eventually realize that she was a program all along, and you'll be worse off than you are now, the other Monika echoed in her head. She glanced up to where she imagined the other Monika's eyes would be, and though she only saw the other bunks and cots in the facility she pictured the same hopelessness that she felt drifting in those emerald green eyes that she shared. You can shun her or embrace her, but never forget what she is.
"It'd be a lot easier if just looking at her didn't make me want to yank my ponytail off." Monika argued. She wondered if she looked as crazy as she felt. She was done talking to herself and wanted something to distract her to help take her away from the gloomy mood, so she instinctively reached for her phone only to remember that her carelessness had cost her that as well. With nothing else to do she figured her schoolwork might be a proper mental deterrent, and began reading up on her Greek history while silently hoping that the call of food being served would interrupt her.
After about fifteen minutes however, the slapping of feet against concrete alerted her that dinner would not save her from a confrontation, and glanced up to see Sayori once again standing beside her. Her hands were free now, and though she looked a great deal less surprised than when they had first seen each other there were still several emotions and questions that were bubbling behind her eyes. She tapped her fingers together and rocked back and forth on her toes for a moment, unable to meet Monika's glare.
"Hey. Is it uh, okay if I sit down with you?" She asked. Monika could have said no, telling her that she didn't want the company and that this was to stay between them, or could have ignored Sayori altogether so that she would get the hint, but she couldn't bring herself to. Even if she was primarily against it, even if most of her feelings told her that it was a bad idea, the small part of her that she would never openly admit existed desperately wanted someone to simply be there for her. Even if it wasn't real and wouldn't accomplish anything, she let the little part of her that was undeniably lonely nod her head towards the empty end of the cot.
Monika scooted her legs up to give Sayori some room, and for a minute the two of them sat there in silence. It was one half uncomfortable and one half pleasing to simply sit and say nothing despite everything that was on their minds. Eventually Sayori broke the silence.
"I don't know what to say." She admitted, resting her hands on the edge of the cot. "I feel like there's so many things I could or should be asking you, but honestly? Thinking about that makes my brain a bit fuzzy." She looked over and gave a hollow chuckle, but when Monika didn't respond she returned her gaze to the floor. The two sat in silence for another minute before Sayori spoke again. "Look, I'm really, really, not sure how to approach this. I'm sure you're not either, but if you were willing to let me sit with you then I guess you knew I'd be talking to you and stuff, right? Or, well, trying to..." Monika finally turned to look at Sayori slightly with a question burning on her lips.
"You have a last name?" Monika asked, though she immediately regretted her poor choice of words. Of course Sayori would have a last name in this world, her time spent in the game had simply dulled her from thinking about irrelevant information like that. What use did a character have in a dating game after all? "I-I mean, I just didn't know it was pronounced like that?" Not even Monika could buy into her own lie.
"Pdft, yeah." Sayori snorted, giving Monika a chuckle. "My family name is Moriyama. Did you really not know what my last name was?" She stopped and thought for a moment before turning back curiously to Monika. "Come to think of it, I don't think you've ever told any of us your family name unless I'm forgetting." She looked to Monika as if hoping she would reveal it to her, but Monika had nothing to reveal. She had never really considered it before, but she didn't have a last name. Absolutely nothing to connect her to any kind of family or origin, she was just Monika.
Sayori seemed to understand it wasn't something that Monika was comfortable sharing and decided to change the topic. "So, how long have you been here?" At least Monika could truthfully answer this one.
"I got here Monday evening, I think."
"Wait, is that why you weren't at school Monday or Tuesday?"
"Yeah." Sayori had been right that Monika had expected small talk and questions, so why was she being so short with her? She wasn't such a cold person that she couldn't show her friend some kind of warmth despite their unforeseen meeting.
Sayori frowned, a look of genuine worry displayed across her face as she tapped her fingers together. Monika silently wondered if it was a nervous tick of some kind, or if it had just been added as some kind of character trait. She felt the cot beneath her shift as Sayori scooted closer and looked at Monika keenly, something that Monika found made her want to shrink away as if the girl were some fearsome beast ready to bite into her neck.
"You know you can talk to me, right Monika? I'm not going to judge you or make fun of you, especially when it's clear you're going through something really awful." Sayori assured her, but Monika had expected something like that, and it was one of the few statements she had a ready response for.
"Like how you talked to me during the club today, right?" Monika grimaced at her own callousness. So much for warmth. Sayori winced at her words and scooted back away from Monika, a flush of shame apparent on her cheeks.
"I'm sorry." Sayori murmured before bringing her feet up and wrapping her arms around her knees. "I really am. It wasn't a trust issue or anything like that I swear, you know I trust you a lot Monika! I just-" She was reminiscent of Yuri in that moment, searching and stumbling over her words as she tried desperately to find the best way to say what she meant. " I... I asked someone out." She finally confessed, and the happy smile she had been forcing on for Monika's sake withered into something much more real.
"I had been talking to them for a while, just as a friend you know, and I asked if maybe the two of us could go to the skating rink in Kawakita. I thought it would help chase the rainclouds off." Tears began to form in the corners of Sayori's eyes the more she spoke. "I didn't even mean it as a, you know, like a date. But, then they asked if it was one and I don't know what happened but I think a small part of me wanted it to be one, and I told them that it could be if they wanted it to like a dummy, and they... they laughed and-" Sayori choked back a sob, wiping her eyes with her arm as she tried to regain her composure. After a deep breath she looked back at Monika with eyes that only now did Monika see were too red for this to have been her first sobbing session.
"Needless to say, I don't think we'll be talking ever again." Sayori finished with a crack in her voice. Monika said nothing, she wasn't even sure of what to say at that moment. Encouragement would have been the wisest choice, but Monika's thoughts had drifted somewhere more personal at that point. The pain of being rejected. Rejected in such a way that wasn't just a simple "no" but clearly a devastating and hurtful impact that left you feeling hollow and worthless. Monika knew that pain. God did she know that pain. When Monika looked back to Sayori she was wiping the last of her tears from her eyes, smiling apologetically at her friend.
"I'm sorry, that... that was- I mean, you're literally sitting here in a homeless shelter and I'm the one complaining because of one little rejection." Sayori let out another chuckle. "That's got to be a new low for levels of selfishness, at least from me."
"Sayori." Monika spoke before Sayori could utter another apology. This time it was her who had to collect her thoughts, but she managed to meet Sayori's eyes. "I know how you typically respond to things like this but, you're allowed to feel. You're allowed to be upset. Your emotions are just as valid as mine and I want you to know I-"
"Stop, please." Sayori breathed. She took a hold of Monika's hands out from beneath the blanket and held them in her own gently, warmth meeting cold. "I know you mean well, but just... I've been selfish enough by crying to you. Please don't make it worse." Sayori's fingers left Monika's hands and instead traveled up past Monika's arms and over her shoulders. Monika tensed up. She was going to hug her. Sayori was going to hug her and if that happened Monika wasn't entirely convinced she would be able to handle it, the thought of feeling Sayori against her made her want to scream then and there. She couldn't let her. She wouldn't let her. In an instant she reached up and gripped Sayori's wrists, surprising the both of them as they locked eyes. After a moment Sayori gave her a guilty look and looked away.
"Sorry, I... I probably should have asked first." Sayori admitted, gently drawing her hands back to her lap. "You looked like you could use some good old fashioned hug energy, so..." Monika nodded to let Sayori know there was no hard feelings and returned her own hands as well. A moment of tense silence sat between them for a moment while Monika regained her breath. Sayori eventually stood from the cot and glanced away towards a clock hanging over the shelter's personnel desk. Monika followed her gaze and saw that it was a quarter till seven. Almost time for dinner.
"Looks like my break is just about over." Sayori acknowledged sheepishly. "I'll be heading out after we serve the food, but I'll see you- oh, you never texted me about what I need to do to prep for the festival!" Monika watched as Sayori tried to look upset at her, almost smiling at the faux pouting. If nothing else, Sayori was good at trying to drive away the tension. Monika pointed towards where her phone sat and gave a quick explanation on how she had left it in the wash earlier, much to Sayori's shock.
"You what!?" Sayori snatched the phone up in her hands and quickly stuffed it into her pocket. "Oh, oh oh! I know how to fix this! I'll go home and put it in a bag of rice for you, okay? Okay! It'll suck the water out if I leave it in all night, trust me on this I've totally done this before! I gotta go now, but I'll bring it to school for you! I promise!" Just as Sayori began to turn the other way, Monika gripped her sleeve, forcing the girl to stop in her tracks and stumble on one leg in an image that was utterly Sayori. Looking back, Sayori raised a confused eyebrow to Monika who struggled to find the right thing to say. With time pressed and her own emotions being so conflicting, she settled on something simple to get the message across.
"I'm sorry for being cold, but thank you for talking. Really."
Sayori gave her friend another wide smile before letting go and giving a final wave in farewell. "You'd do the same. Thank you for not leaving." She said before turning and skipping along down between the bunks and out of sight. Monika groaned and laid her head back on the cot, gazing up towards the fluorescent lighting shining down from above. What was wrong with her? Why was she so apprehensive around Sayori when the girl was clearly trying her best to be kind and comforting despite the awkward situations the two kept finding the other in? She couldn't stay up like this. There was so much that was passing through Monika's head at the moment, but all she wanted was to eat and go to sleep as soon as humanly possible.
As Monika headed off to grab her free meal, she wondered who the attempted hug had really been meant for, her or Sayori? The headache she had felt coming on earlier was now in full force, but whether from a lack of food or something entirely different she couldn't be sure.
"Ah! I'm so glad you could make it!" Himari was waiting for Monika in the same classroom they had ate in the day before, but now it was only the two of them. Their lunch period was already halfway through due to Monika spending part of it in the hallway thinking. The day prior had left her with a lot to contemplate and the peace and quiet had made her lose track of time. Having already finished lunch, Himari had a notepad and pen at the ready just as Monika sat down with a bag of chips she had grabbed out of the vending machine at the last minute. Her money may have been limited, but there was no point in starving herself when she still had a bit of money before she became completely broke.
"It's my pleasure, Himari." Monika said with a smile. As Monika settled herself in and opened her bag of chips Himari flipped through her notebook, seeming to go over a list of predetermined questions before turning back with a smile that betrayed her excitement.
"Alright, this won't take super long, but feel free to go into as much or as little detail as you'd prefer. Okay like, preferably more detail, but if you don't want to tell me something I'm not going to make a big fuss. Just tell me when you're ready and we'll get this show on the road!" With her glasses and notepad, Monika almost thought her classmate resembled a therapist in training instead of the head of a debate club, but she nodded to confirm that she was ready.
"Super! Alright, ahem, so let's see..." Himari glanced down at her notebook for a second and then returned to Monika with a serious look and asked, "What, in your opinion, is your club's biggest strength that you think makes it unique?" It was a simple enough question, but Monika had to actually sit and think about it for a moment.
"Unique?" She munched down on a few chips to give her some extra thinking time. "I'd say it's our ability to open ourselves up. Everyone in my club likes a different form of literature, and though there have been a few arguments and disagreements, I really love whenever they put aside their differences. I feel like there aren't too many clubs out there where the members can have such different likes and dislikes but still find a way to get along, except for the debate club I suppose." That earned a smile from Himari as she jotted down Monika's answer.
"Too right Moni, now for the next one. What's the worst thing about your club, something that if you could take away might make your club a better place?" Himari waited for Monika's answer as she ran over the answers in her head. She loved her club, but there was definitely a lot more strife and conflict than she thought was necessary for a club focused on writing and reading.
"Sometimes, it feels like my clubmates don't really get what I'm trying to do with the club." Monika admitted sheepishly as she thought back on the arguments and fights that had sprouted ever since she had arrived. "I have this one member named Natsuki who's small and feisty, but it's like she always has a problem with something. Like nothing is ever good enough for her, and when it isn't she throws a fit and blames everyone but herself." The image of Natsuki blaming Monika after Sayori had gone home yesterday was still fresh in her mind and seemed to strike a nerve within her. The fact that the tea stain hadn't fully been removed from her blazer didn't help. "She doesn't even care how other people feel when she snaps at them. Heck, she got mad because I actually wanted the club to participate in the festival! Can you believe that?" At this Monika sighed aloud and threw her head back over the chair.
Himari winced, scratching another note down. "I hear ya. Been there, done that a hundred times over. So, you're saying this Natsuki girl is the thing you would want to get rid of?" She peered over her glasses at Monika, and the similarities between her and a therapist became even clearer. Monika shook her head, as much as she and Natsuki had butted heads recently there was no point in trying to pin all of the blame on her. That would have been the Natsuki thing to do.
"No no, Natsuki is rough, but I still want her to enjoy the club." Monika slumped her head into her hand with another sigh. "She's got her own reasons for being brash I'm sure, but sometimes it's her and the other member Yuri getting into it or other times Yuri comes off as a bit pompous and ends up hurting Natsuki's feelings and augh-" Monika pinched the bridge of her nose as she thought about just how chaotic her club could truly be, and how it must have appeared to an outsider. "My vice president is usually better at dealing with that kind of stuff than I am. It's rare for her to get in a fight with, well, anyone. But it leaves me wondering if I'm even fit to run the club when we seem to argue more than actually do anything literature related."
Himari glanced at Monika curiously for a second before looking through her notepad. "Do you think you have a clubmate problem in general, then?" That was certainly an interesting question for Monika. Did she have a clubmate problem? They had their ups and downs, but was it really something so serious that it needed to be addressed as an official detriment to the club? Her plan of getting new members was partially because she wanted to distance herself from the others after all. Monika thought about it for a moment but couldn't quite come to a conclusion. Himari seemed to realize Monika was heavily considering the prospect and made a show of stuffing the notebook and pen into her blazer pocket. She then held up two empty hands as a show of good faith.
"Alright, this is officially off the record. If there's something you want to just say just to get it off your chest, by all means. I get the feeling you like, don't get the chance to vent about this kind of thing very often." And with a patient smile she crossed her hands and nodded to Monika. Monika nodded her thanks and ran through her thoughts once more. She didn't want to talk about her friends behind their backs, but who else would give her the chance to just complain about everything? With a deep breath she began.
"I love each of my clubmates, but I honestly feel like they're limiting the possibilities of the club." Monika explained. "It was fine at first, we were a really close group with unique aspects that made everything feel special in a way, you know? But nobody seems to think about the bigger picture aside from me. I want a group of people who really enjoy literature without having so many problems with everyone else. I don't want this club to die out after everyone graduates or leaves, I want it to carry on as something that was worthwhile enough to exist!" The words were coming out faster now, thoughts that she had never ciphered through coherently but had always sat in the corner of her mind until this point.
"That's why I was so excited at the chance to get new members. I thought that if I could bring people in from the festival it would keep everyone off each other's backs and we could really focus on the club instead of whatever pity-party of the day decided to sprout up. Someone is always upset over something and it's driving me crazy, like, how on earth did I manage to start a club where everyone single member has something wrong with them?" At first she had only meant Natsuki and Yuri, but when she thought about Sayori's absence from the day prior she realized she was absolutely right and her fist clenched. "Not one of them could just be a normal human being, each of them either has a temper or is condescending or something! My own vice president Sayori is a depressed-" Monika stopped. She hadn't meant to say that, it had slipped out before she could even think of stopping herself, but her agitation melted into shame and she could feel the panic in her voice as she looked back to Himari.
"P-please don't write that down." She begged, but Himari held her hands up again with a look of surprise etched on her face. "I- that wasn't right. I shouldn't be saying that to people, that was horrible of me. I just-" Just what? Couldn't stand the discomfort and awkwardness of each club session? A club that she had made to be a relaxing and safe environment, but was now neither for her? Monika felt her hand unclench and began to shake nervously, but Himari seemed to understand and nodded.
"I won't write anything you just said down, pump the brakes Moni." Monika tried to flash her classmate a grateful smile, but she knew it didn't look very genuine. Himari seemed thoughtful as she crossed her legs and tapped her chin. "Sometimes you gotta let everything out, right? So like, think of this as a good thing that you got it off of your chest instead of accidentally blowing up at your club later." That was a good point. Monika really wanted to try to have one good club meeting this week if she could help it, and if she vented her frustrations out on the club then there was no doubt a repeat of the day before and Wednesday would follow.
"Thank you, Himari. But please, please don't tell anyone about what I-" Himari waved Monika's plea aside, standing from her desk and stretching her arms as she glanced towards the clock.
"Moni, relax. I'm sure you don't remember how tight me and you used to be, but trust me a bit here. I usually got your best interests in mind, believe it or not. I got you." Himari laughed and gave Monika a warm smile before jabbing a thumb towards the door. "In my best interest though, I gotta wrap our little one-on-one here. I didn't get to ask you everything but we can always do that another time, maybe over the weekend or something. Do you mind telling Fujita that I might be a minute behind? I promised to deliver something for one of the other teachers and I may or may not have totally forgotten until now." The two of them shared a smile and Monika nodded as she grabbed her chips.
"Of course, Himari. Thanks for listening, and for not thinking too badly of me because my emotions got the better of me."
"Well yeah, what are friends for? See you in class, Moni." Monika and Himari waved to each other as Monika opened the sliding door and stepped out into the hallway. Once it had shut, Himari's smile dissipated and after waiting a few moments she pulled out her pen and her notepad. Clicking the pen to life, she returned to the page she had been writing in during their conversation and began to scribble a new set of notes down as she occasionally glanced back towards the sliding door.
The school day had been surprisingly easy for Monika, easy enough to not have her drowning in homework at the very least. After returning from lunch and diving into her afternoon studies she was amazed when her period for study hall came to a close before she had even realized, which meant it was just about time for the literature club to meet. Today's meeting wasn't meant to be terribly exciting as it was mostly for reviewing their duties and addressing any last minute questions regarding the festival; sharing poetry had been put on hold so that everyone could have enough time to think up their best work for their performances. Yet there was something she had been thinking about ever since her conversation and faux pas with Himari.
Some friend you are!
Normally the walk from the music room, where she preferred to spend her final period, to the literature club wasn't a long one as they were both on the third floor, however Monika had decided to make a quick pit stop on the second floor before the meeting started. It was true that her relationship with the club was strained, but that didn't mean she wanted it to sour completely. Monika knew she wasn't perfect, and neither were any of the other members of the club, and sometimes it required her to step up and be the bigger person as president of the club. It wasn't much, but maybe she could apologize for her own side of the outburst from yesterday, and for secretly complaining about them behind their backs.
Monika stared at the vending machine for a moment, trying to decide what might work best. Something tasty or something filling? Nailing both would be preferable, and then she saw it: a strawberry protein bar. Perfect. Monika inserted some yen into the machine and took the three bars that dropped and shoved two of them into her bag while she kept the other one in her free hand. She didn't know how well they would be received, but she hoped the thought would at least count.
This is a waste of yen, Monika tried to push the negative thoughts aside and continue to the clubroom. She had enough bad feelings regarding her friends, and even if they made her uncomfortable that didn't mean she couldn't try to be nice. She was nice after all, wasn't she? If not nice then at least good, good was something she could strive for. That was her mindset when she peeked into the clubroom and spotted a splash of pink hair sitting at a desk on the other side. This was the perfect scenario, with Natsuki already here she could surprise her by tossing it right onto the desk for her.
As Monika entered she waved a silent greeting to Yuri who seemed to have also arrived recently as was in the midst of sitting down when Monika shut the door behind her. It was then that Monika noticed Natsuki wasn't just sitting at her desk; she was completely asleep with her head resting on her arms. Monika grinned at her good luck and threw the protein bar at Natsuki's desk to give her a surprise awakening, however her grin quickly faded as she realized she had put too much strength in her underhand. Smack!
"Ah!" Natsuki raised her head as the bar crashed into her face, raising a hand to her nose and looking up at Monika with a pained look on her face. "Why did you do that? That hurt!" Monika looked back and forth between her club members in embarrassment. So much for the thought that counts.
"Shoot, I'm sorry Natsuki!" Monika strode over to Natsuki's desk and took a look at her face to make sure she hadn't somehow managed to bust the poor girl's nose with a protein bar. "I didn't mean for that to hit you, are you alright?" But Natsuki just shook her head, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and shooing Monika away.
"I'm fine you dummy, it mostly surprised me is all. It's a good thing you didn't start a club for sports, your aim sucks." She gave her nose a few testing taps, and seemed satisfied when no blood dribbled down. Monika let out a sigh of relief in turn. That would've been a nasty way to start the club meeting.
"I-is uh, is sleeping in the club really so... punishable?" Yuri asked from the back corner. She held her book in front of her face as if she expected Monika to chuck one at her as well, and Monika quickly shook her head.
"No no no, that was an accident I promise! Guess I can see why you'd think that after how she woke me up Wednesday though, ahaha." Monika pulled one of the other protein bars from her bag and, learning from her mistake, gently handed it to Yuri who gave it a curious if not confused look. Natsuki turned around in her chair and held her bar up, giving Monika a similar puzzled look. "This is me apologizing for yesterday." Monika explained as she returned to the front of the classroom. "It isn't much, but I hope you'll accept it as my way of saying I didn't mean to snap at you. I understand you were just concerned, and while I don't believe I was solely in the wrong, I would like to put my best foot forward."
Yuri mumbled her quiet thanks and slipped her bar into her bag, while Natsuki ripped hers open with her teeth and continued casting furtive glances towards Monika. "Guess it's hard to be mad when someone bought you a snack, but..." Natsuki looked off to where Sayori normally sat, and that was when Monika noticed that Sayori indeed hadn't arrived yet. She thought back to the rest of the school day and how she would normally pass Sayori whenever they would go to their lockers, but she hadn't seen Sayori at either locker break today. At first she had simply assumed that the two of them had simply missed each other, but the more she thought about it the more it made sense Sayori hadn't come to school today. Hadn't Sayori skipped that Friday before the festival in the game as well?
Reading Natsuki's concern she said, "I did speak to Sayori after school yesterday. We sort of crossed paths, and..." Monika picked her words carefully as Natsuki turned to her, she had already revealed some Sayori's privacy to someone already and didn't feel good about doing it again. But Sayori had already told Natsuki about getting rejected, and though Yuri hadn't been privy to the conversation it was obvious yesterday's argument had managed to involve her after all. "I'm afraid I didn't learn anything other than what you told me, but I can at least confirm that's what's been bugging her." Not too personal but informative enough. That sounded good, right? She hadn't lied and didn't have to tell anyone about the shelter either. Everyone won.
Natsuki seemed more or less satisfied with the answer, giving Sayori's seat a final glance before pummeling her fist with the bar sticking out from her mouth. "I mean, I wasn't all that worried or anything. I was just hoping you'd find out who it was so I could kick them in the junk. Show them not to mess with my best friend." Monika smirked at Natsuki's feeble attempt at indifference, and even Yuri seemed to smile at her clubmate's good-natured boldness. With that Monika clapped her hands together and gathered the girls' attention. It was time for the literature club to begin
"Okay, everyone!" Monika announced. "So I told you all yesterday that today's meeting would be a bit unorthodox, I just want to make sure we're all clear on what we're doing to prepare for the festival. Natsuki, you'll be-"
"Baking some killer cupcakes that'll put the baking club to shame, already ahead of you Prez." Natsuki assured while biting into her protein bar. Monika nodded and turned to Yuri.
"Alright, and Yuri you'll be working on the atmosphere of the club. Decorations, maybe some artificial lighting, whatever you think will put everyone into a nice calm mood for our presentations! Got it covered?" Yuri responded to Monika with a solemn nod, lowering her book and taking a deep breath as though she had rehearsed this exact conversation.
"Yes, I'll be bringing in my aroma diffusing set and setting up a banner to hang over the entrance of the clubroom." Yuri stated calmly. "I was planning on using jasmine oil, but if anyone would prefer peppermint or sweet orange I will happily substitute as necessary." Neither Monika nor Natsuki showed any qualms with her selection, something that Yuri seemed relieved by.
"And that leaves me and Sayori to work on the pamphlets. Well, unless there's any last minute questions I think that just about does it!" Monika finished. She wasn't entirely sure how that would pan out with Sayori's absence, and figured that she would text her after school to see what the two could work out. After the two's embarrassing encounter at the shelter Monika had been a bit unsure of how to approach their next conversation, but this at least gave her a topic to start off with without having the air be as awkward.
Wait, doesn't Sayori have my phone? Monika groaned inwardly as she remembered that she had indeed let her vice president take her phone to try and get the water out. She had completely forgotten about it that morning as well until she awoke nearly half an hour after her alarm was supposed to go off, and thus another morning had been spent running to the school in a desperate attempt to make it on time. Monika had never been more grateful to have an internal clock than she had at that point.
Neither Natsuki nor Yuri objected, and Monika found herself rather pleased with the group's efficiency. Why couldn't all meetings be this straight-forward and easy going? No arguments, no moping or hard feelings, just friendly banter and a lax atmosphere while they each enjoyed the club in their own manner. That was how it was supposed to be, this was what she wanted the club to be at its core. Normally without Sayori the club would have ended up tense and at odds with each other in some capacity, but today felt more peaceful than it had for a long time. It almost made her regret wanting to bring in a whole new crowd to the club.
Monika shook her head to rid herself of her own thoughts as the other two began to read their respective books, and Monika was left with... her thoughts. This was the first time she hadn't been busy with planning for the festival or dealing with a conflict since she had arrived back at school, and for the first time she realized she didn't have any reading material of her own. She didn't want to disturb Yuri by interrupting her concentration, and she really didn't feel like having Natsuki spend thirty minutes driveling about how manga was absolutely literature and was much better than any other form of reading in fear of sparking an argument between her clubmates. She could've pulled up a book on her phone, but that option had also been nixed due to it being in Sayori's possession.
After a few minutes of tapping her hands absently along the edge of the desk, Monika stood and gathered her things together. Her clubmates seemed to notice this and Yuri in particular peeked from her book and asked, "Oh, are you already heading out Monika? We've only just started." to which Monika nodded.
"Yeah, I'm sorry guys. There's some errands I really need to get done before the day ends, and since we aren't sharing poetry today I figured I'd go and try to get them out of the way so I'll have more time to work on preparing for the festival this weekend." It wasn't the entire truth, but Monika figured what they wouldn't know wouldn't hurt them, especially when the details were so messy. Yuri nodded and wished her a pleasant weekend before turning to Natsuki expectantly. Natsuki met her eyes and threw her head back into a dramatic sigh before standing from her desk and walking over to Monika. Monika, who already had one hand on the door and her bag slung over her shoulder, raised an eyebrow and looked at Yuri, but she had seemed to bury herself completely in her book so as to avoid meeting anyone's eyes.
"Eugh, alright. Look, Yuri was planning to go out to the mall tomorrow to get her decorations and stuff, and I need to buy a few ingredients for the cupcakes so I convinced her to take me with her so I wouldn't have to walk." Natsuki began. She crossed her arms and refused to look at Monika, instead making a point to focus on the chalkboard. "I don't know if she's trying to get me to ask this as an apology or if she's just too scared, probably both honestly, but uh... do you want to come with?" Monika was surprised by this, and it must've shown because Natsuki quickly clenched her firsts. "Look just- you don't have to, but if you do then text then Yuri or something and she'll pick you up. Or you can meet us there, whatever works. Also uh, I'm... I'm sorry for spilling tea on you." The last part came out as hardly more than a mumble, but it was still an apology and Monika would be damned if she turned her nose up at what she considered genuine progress.
"Don't worry Natsuki, I needed to wash my uniform anyway. I suppose if I was an optimist I could say you just gave me the opportunity to get them clean, ahaha." Monika chuckled, giving the smaller girl a pat on the shoulder but Natsuki instantly stepped back, dodging Monika's hand and leaving an awkward air between the two as they locked eyes. Monika pulled her hand back and raised an eyebrow at her clubmate's reluctance, but before she could ask what the matter was Natsuki shook her head and regained her composure.
"Sorry, I... I don't like being touched. Just a personal thing." Natsuki stammered. Monika wasn't entirely convinced by her answer, but she had no reason to press the matter further as Natsuki quickly muttered, "Anyway there's my apology I'm going to go read my manga now bye." and with a flustered look she promptly turned around and marched back to her seat, burying herself in her manga yet again. As much as Monika resented it, she knew badgering Natsuki would only make her more defensive. There was nothing she could do now but take her leave.
Monika forced a smile and gave a final wave to the both of them. "Make sure you guys send me your poems before Sunday, and if I don't see you have a good weekend!" With that she slid the door shut and began her walk down the hallway. The early autumn sun had yet to pierce through the clouds fully and left the school feeling cool under the breath of the air conditioning. A weekend trip to the mall? That was new to say the least. But hadn't that been what she was thinking about in the laundromat the day before, and what she spoke about to Himari? Normalcy. Going to the mall was such a normal teenage thing to do, visiting different stores and window shopping and eating lunch out in a pavilion, it was such an everyday thing for other people. But to Monika it was a dream come true. It made her regret that she wouldn't be able to join them due to her lack of money and clothes, but that was just how things were.
You can't forget what they are, she warned herself. And it was true, she did need to remember what the others were lest she only end up disappointed when they showed their limitations as they inevitably would. But was it so wrong to enjoy herself, or at least what could be, while she had the chance? Even she wasn't entirely sure what the answer to that question was. She felt unsure about a lot of things in her life right now, from the people around her to the person she was supposed to be, to the true nature of the very world around her. And as she pushed through the school doors and looked up and down the empty sidewalk she realized that there was something else she was unsure about, something that in the moment was at the forefront of her mind. Where the heck did Sayori Moriyama live?
A.N: A bit of advice from the reviews section has suggested a change in the rating to help this story be a bit more accessible, something I've gone and updated with this chapter. I'll endeavor to keep things befitting of the rating, and hopefully it won't have to change from "T" unless absolutely necessary. Thanks to everyone who's read so far, and I hope you're enjoying the story! For The Longest Time will be written with the goal of a chapter a month, sometimes more, depending on what I can manage.