Chapter 4: Normalcy
A chapter of terrifying memories and how to distract from them.
Monika had no idea where Sayori lived. In fact she wasn't even entirely sure she knew what Sayori's house looked like. In the game she had never had the chance to see it firsthand, but scrubbing through the files and assets in the past had given her at least a vague idea of what the exterior and interior looked like. This did little to help her as she ambled down the sidewalk through the more residential areas of the city, as there were plenty of neighborhoods to search through and she only had a few images in her head as reference. Why hadn't she asked Natsuki or Yuri before she left? Surely one of them could have given her directions, or even have just called Sayori to ask for some.
Monika kicked a pebble off of the sidewalk as she tried to get her bearings. The street names held no meaning for her without anything to cross reference, she had no phone to even attempt to google a map, and to top things off it was looking as if the rain might pick back up at any moment. It was at this time when things began to look bleak that Monika considered just heading back to the shelter for the evening. It wasn't as if she was making any progress out here, and getting sick right before the festival would only be a burden to her and everyone else. The festival was the one thing that brought her excitement at the mere thought of it, and she didn't plan on having that ruined for her again.
Just as Monika began to head in the direction of the shelter she recalled something from the day before. Hadn't Sayori said it was only a five minute walk? With a sudden albeit brief surge of hope, Monika made her way back home looking out for the various neighborhoods the closer she got. It was after she passed the small park that had hosted the yatai carts that she saw a road treading off to the right, and down that road she could see row after row of symmetrical houses lined on either side. Figuring she had already come all this way, Monika began down the street while staring up at the various houses. There were a few people walking along the sidewalk that she passed, each one giving her a polite nod that she returned, but still she saw no sign of Sayori's house.
"This one almost looks familiar." Monika murmured as she peeked through the picket fencing into someone's yard. Like most of the other houses it featured simple colors and a minimalistic design, but it did have a second-story balcony. Sayori's room had been on the second floor, hadn't it? Monika sighed and shook her head, the feeling of hopelessness was beginning to crawl through her again as she saw that many of the houses down this street held second stories. She needed something more concrete.
One in particular caught her eye however, not even three houses down from the one she had peeked through she saw the peeling timber and cracked rooftop hiding behind a jungle of overgrown topiary. The state of the house was so derelict that its mere existence surprised Monika as she approached, standing out against the otherwise spotless locale. While it was almost certainly true she was not truly in Japan, the world she was in had gone to great lengths at replicating the polite society and cultural norms of the eastern country, so she couldn't understand why such a dilapidated structure would be allowed to stay standing among an otherwise unstained neighborhood.
Monika stepped through the tall grass, wincing as a briar threatened to tear at her skirt, and walked right up to the door and jiggled the doorknob. Unlocked, but she didn't enter. Monika glanced up at the rotting exterior once more and noticed a brass nameplate embedded in the wall next to the door. The plate had been scratched and was weather worn beyond recognition, and no kanji or text could be discerned. An idea struck Monika and she quickly retreated back towards the road, checking both ways before stepping onto the pavement and turning back to face the house. Her heart sank as she realized she recognized the building. She had seen it in the files of the game several times, but not once had she ever been given the option of visiting it for herself.
Now Monika understood why the house sat abandoned and left to rot; it was a grave. A tomb for someone who no longer existed in this world, who might've never existed there to begin with. A part of her longed to go inside and see what the interior held, but she knew there was no point. There was nobody waiting for her on the other side, and going any farther than she already had might elicit an emotional response from her that she wanted no part of at the moment. She was supposed to be searching for Sayori's house, but she was still no closer than she had been before her somber discovery. The image of the overgrown grass and tarnished nameplate had struck something within her and she could feel a hollow pit welling up within her-
The nameplate. Japanese houses use nameplates to distinguish who lives where, and they lived right by Sayori, which means... Monika skipped back to the sidewalk and moved to a brisk walk as she moved past the houses she had already passed. Sure enough, each house held a wooden or metal nameplate attached beside their door or gate, and Monika checked each one as she passed them by. Nakamura, Ozaki, and- Monika stopped at the picket fence she had been peeking through a few minutes prior and failing to see a nameplate opened the gate. Sure enough she could see a wooden plate hanging beside the door, and upon reaching the door she could clearly make out the name, "Moriyama". This was Sayori's house alright. Monika shook her own head in exasperation; so much for being "Beauty and Brains".
After a quick knock, the door was quickly opened by a portly middle-aged man with a dark combover and light stubble. Behind a pair of spectacles sat two bright blue eyes that peered down at Monika curiously. Monika bowed, suddenly self conscious of how she appeared to what was likely Sayori's father. Was her hair out of place? Was the stain on her blazer noticeable?
"Good afternoon, Sir." Monika greeted with a polite smile. "My name is Monika, I'm a friend of Sayori's from school and I wanted to see if she was alright since she was out today." Would it be suspicious she hadn't introduced herself with a full name? If it was then the man didn't seem to notice and greeted her with a bow in return, though his face betrayed surprise.
The man nodded in understanding and introduced himself. "Ah, Hisoka Moriyama." He adjusted his glasses and peered down at Monika as if he was appraising her. "I must admit, it's a surprise to see someone come by to visit Sayori. I believe she's a bit under the weather, but nothing serious." He stood aside and welcomed Monika in who bowed her thanks before entering the household and removing her shoes at the door. There was a wave of warmth that hit as soon as she entered, a nice change of pace from the bitter chill the rainy weather had carried, and the entire house gave off a very homey feel that Monika thought fit well with what she knew about Sayori.
A woman with light auburn hair wrapped in a bun stood from where she had been praying at a large shelf with several bowls and plants that Monika recognized as a shrine. To what God or Goddess she couldn't tell, but the incense was freshly lit and hung deep within the air of the house. The woman bowed respectfully as she stood with Monika greeting in a similar fashion, with Mr. Moriyama moving past the both of them and towards the kitchen.
"Hello there! Judging from your uniform I'd say you're a classmate of Sayori's?" The woman asked. Monika nodded and the woman introduced herself properly as she moved over towards the stairwell across from the door. "Aimi Moriyama, Sayori's mother as I'm sure you've guessed. Thank you very much for coming to see her, we were worried she'd fall behind on her classes from staying out, but it's refreshing to see someone come by and look out for her!" Monika flashed a nervous smile. She had been so preoccupied in getting her phone she hadn't even considered that it might be a good idea to grab Sayori's work. Some friend she was indeed.
"She's right upstairs, but don't feel too bad if you wake her. That girl has been lazing about enough as it is." Ms. Moriyama said with a good-natured shake of the head. Monika nodded her thanks and headed up the stairs, taking her time to look at a set of pictures hung along the stairwell. Most of them featured the Moriyamas in various shrines during different holidays and outings. Monika spotted one with Sayori who couldn't have been older than ten standing in front of a Shinto shrine with a yukata on. The gleeful look on Sayori's face as she bit into a dumpling of some kind brought a smile to Monika's face as well, and she continued on her way until reaching the top where she was met with a closed door. Suddenly finding herself apprehensive, she rapped on the door with the back of her knuckles. No answer.
Where had this sudden bout of uneasiness sprouted from? Monika felt her hands shake as a foreboding feeling took hold of her, and suddenly every inch of her body urged her to either bust down the door or to run down the stairs and never return. Fight or flight. Monika couldn't be scared, not when there was no reason to be. All she was doing was opening a door, and greeting her friend. She needed to get her phone after all, and if there was something wrong than Sayori's parents would have known by now, right? With a final deep breath to fight off her nerves, Monika gently opened the door.
Sayori's room was cluttered to say the least, her desk and shelves sat littered with various knick-knacks and books while t-shirts and sweaters lay in heaps or slung over her desk chair. Crumpled papers sat beside a waste basket stuffed to the brim while stuffed animals sat strewn about on her bed to the point that several had fallen and lay forgotten on the floor. It was there that Monika found Sayori, buried underneath a mountain of stuffed toys and comforters that guarded her from the obtrusive noise of rain tapping away at her windows. The only visible signs of Sayori being in her bed at all were a few tufts of hair sticking out from between a pillow and a stuffed cow, along with her curled up shape hiding beneath the covers.
Monika smiled, letting out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding as she moved over to the bed. She sat gently on the end taking care not to sit on her friend's feet, and reached over to gently shake her sleeping form.
"Sayori? Hey, it's me. It's Monika." She whispered. At her gentle rousing Sayori slowly lifted her head, bleary eyes gazing at Monika's as a stuffed animal rolled off of her face. Monika could immediately tell she had been crying recently, the bloodshot eyes and shallow breaths suggesting that perhaps Sayori hadn't been quite as asleep as she had thought. Brushing the hair out of her eyes, Sayori blinked a few times at the change in lighting and wiped her nose with her sleeve.
"Monika?" Sayori croaked, and Monika nodded. "What are you doing here? I uh... I wasn't expecting anyone. I thought you might've been my mom actually." Monika gave Sayori the privacy of clearing away her obvious signs of sorrow by focusing her attention on the room around her instead.
"Oh, well since you missed school I thought I'd come by and check on you. Make sure you were alright after uh, everything you told me." Monika realized there was no tactful way in approaching the situation. Either she acknowledge the disquieting situation at hand or admit she had originally only come over to grab her phone, and her conscience refused to let her consider the second option.
"You know I don't like people worrying about me." Sayori mumbled as she wiped her nose one last time. "But I guess with how I've been acting lately I kinda had this coming. I should've been more careful." With that she stretched and pulled her legs out from the covers, standing from her bed and shuffling over to her desk where she picked up a bag that she brought back to Monika. Now that she had risen from her hidey-hole of blankets and plushies Monika noticed that she must've spent most of the day in bed as she still wore her nightclothes: a pair of slim-fitting red shorts and a dual-toned dress shirt that Monika personally thought looked rather comfortable. As Monika looked up at the bag Sayori was handing her though, she felt her muscles stiffen at the sight of blood.
Sayori's fingers were coated in dried blood, having dribbled down her palms long ago while strands of rope and chunks of skin sat stuck between her fingernails. Monika could feel her breath being caught in her throat as she looked up and saw that the bleary eyes that had been looking at her moments ago were now vacant and unfocused, looking past her and yet seeing nothing at all. Sayori was hanging from the ceiling, the gentle creak of the rope the only sound that broke the silence of the messy room.
But I didn't do anything, Monika thought in a panic as she brought her feet up onto the bed and scooted away from her friend's corpse. I didn't do anything to you this time, I can't do anything to you! She was no longer on Sayori's bed, instead she was in the literature club looking over the list of poems that everyone had submitted to the festival, a knowing smile spread from ear to ear.
You kind of left her hanging this morning, y'know.
Monika let out a strangled cry as her back hit the wall and she could go no further. Her vision was becoming narrow, her stomach was heaving and the air she breathed in wouldn't reach her lungs. She wasn't safe here, no matter where she went nowhere would ever be safe from who she was-
"Monika!"
Sayori's corpse was staring at Monika with a look of frightened alarm, except it wasn't a corpse anymore. Sayori wasn't hanging from the ceiling, she was standing in front of her bed and holding a hand out in front of Monika like a trainer would to a feral dog. Both of her hands were clean of any blood. Monika's vision slowly became more clear, but her breathing still felt shallow and hard to contain. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking and she longed to keep them busy with anything else, but all she could do was clasp her hands together in a feverish attempt to control them. Suddenly Sayori's voice was a lot closer than it had been, and Monika's eyes flicked over to see Sayori gently sitting beside her.
"What do you need me to do?" Sayori's voice was calm despite the evident panic flashing in her eyes, and it took Monika a few moments to finally gather enough of a breath to reply.
"I don't know." Monika whispered. "I don't even- I've never had this happen, I just..." She closed her eyes and took another deep breath. Then another. Her breathing was finally starting to regulate, and she could finally form something akin to a cohesive sentence. "I need some space, please." Sayori nodded, handing Monika a stuffed yellow duck that she had been sleeping against and tiptoed over to her desk chair where she sat and patiently tapped her forefingers together with a look of worry. Monika took the stuffed animal and held it close to her chest, surprised to find that squeezing the animal actually seemed to help soothe the rapid beating of her own heart.
For a few minutes the two of them sat in silence. The rain tapped gently against the glass and the smell of incense wafted up from the rest of the house, but the two of them simply waited. Sayori had stopped staring at Monika, but the anxious glances persisted. Eventually Monika closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, leaning her head back against the wall. Sayori seemed to take this as an indicator that the danger had passed and quietly broke the silence with a question.
"Did Mr. Duck help any? Mr. Cow is always my go-to when I'm scared." She chanced. Her voice was soft, a mere whisper that barely breached the sound of the rain. Monika nodded, exhaling and setting the stuffed animal aside as she scooted away from the wall. Once she opened her eyes, she saw the bag Sayori had been holding was now sitting on the bed beside her. Monika peered closer to see it was a plastic bag filled with rice, and just barely peeking out through the grain was a flash of shiny black plastic. Monika opened the bag and pulled her phone out from the rice, wiping the dust off and holding down the power button. The screen flashed a bright blue with its typical welcome message slowly appearing on screen, bringing a smile to Monika's face.
"You got it to work." Monika stated, managing to give Sayori a grateful smile. The feeling of panic had long since left, but Monika could still sense a dull throbbing in her head that signaled another headache was approaching. Sayori gingerly made her way back towards the bed, motioning towards the bed to silently ask Monika if her approach was welcomed.
"Are you really asking me if it's okay to sit on your own bed?" Monika chuckled with a shake of the head before realizing that she had just asked Sayori to give her space a few minutes prior. "God, I'm sorry Sayori. You're the one not feeling well and I just came in and started freaking out, kicking you off your own bed and-" But Sayori interrupted her with a quick shake of the head.
"No no no, don't apologize." Sayori sat beside Monika but made no attempts to touch or embrace her, something she was secretly grateful for. "I was really worried when you started shaking and looking around, I kept asking what was wrong but you just kept looking at me strange and I think you started hyperventilating towards the end there. Eheh, I thought I forgot to put pants on at first, or something." Sayori looked away for a moment and when she turned back to Monika there was such genuine concern and worry in her eyes that it made Monika's stomach churn, but she couldn't figure out why. She knew the question that Sayori was going to ask before she had even opened her lips.
"I don't want to talk about it." Monika stated flatly, and realizing how cold it had come out quickly followed with, "If that's okay I mean, I just would rather if we could both forget about... whatever just happened. Not my proudest moment." Monika forced out a chuckle to try and alleviate the underlying tension, but she knew it wouldn't stop Sayori from worrying. That was Sayori, always the worrier. But she also knew Sayori didn't like to dwell on the negative either, and though her friend didn't look completely pleased with brushing the topic off she seemed to understand that Monika simply wasn't ready to disclose the details of what had transpired.
Nodding respectfully, Sayori wiped the concerned frown off of her face and replaced it with a bright smile as she motioned towards the bag of rice, but Monika could see the mask. As painfully obvious as it was, this is what they had agreed to. "So, I uh... I got your phone working! Told you a bit of rice would work, I dropped mine in this lake down the street once and I remember rushing home and freaking out cause I never backup my photos or anything. Ehe, I thought my Mom was going to lose it but she taught me about the rice trick!" Sure enough Monika began flipping through her apps and tested the sound for any water damage, but it seemed Sayori's method had actually paid off.
"Thank you Sayori, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had lost this." Monika admitted. She saw that she had several unread texts and clicked the app open to see they were all from Sayori herself. Curious, Monika peered closer.
M. Sayori: hey monika, dont think ill be in today. not feeling it.
M. Sayori: hope your not mad. let me know what were doing to help with the club, k?
M. Sayori: r u mad? im really really sorry. ill try and do better i promise :(
M. Sayori: oh my god i have your phone.
Monika looked up to see Sayori peeking over her shoulder before flashing her an embarrassed smile. "You really forgot you had my phone? Wasn't it your idea to take it?" Monika asked with a smirk. Sayori clenched her eyes shut and playfully pushed Monika away, eliciting a giggle from the girl.
"Don't bully me! I was sleepy and had other stuff on my mind! Plus I charged it for you cause it was almost dead, so you're welcome you big meanie." Sayori pouted. She grabbed her own phone off of the bedframe and after looking down at it for a second rose up and strode over to her closet. "Oh yeah, Natsuki texted me and said that she and Yuri were going out to the mall downtown tomorrow to get stuff for the festival and asked if I wanted to join! Are you coming too?"
"I don't know, I uh..." Monika began with a shrug. It wasn't that she didn't want to, but it just seemed like too much of a hassle for her and everyone else involved. She considered lying and giving an excuse about being busy, but they both knew that wasn't true. Since Sayori already knew she was homeless, she figured it'd be safe to tell her the truth about her hesitance. "My uniform is, well they're kind of the only clothes I own. It'd be a bit awkward if I went out to someplace like a mall in my uniform wouldn't it? Talk about embarrassing." Monika winced upon realizing how pitiful that sounded out loud and suddenly wished she could take it back.
"What?!" Sayori exclaimed, staring at Monika with her mouth agape before turning back to her closet and pilfering through the contents. "What's your size? Actually no, you're only slightly taller than me I think, which means..." A few moments and several tossed aside shirts later she stepped out with a bright blue sweater that matched her eyes, a big white stripe cutting across the waist that she tossed to Monika who barely caught it in her surprise. "This sweater was always too big on me, I actually used to wear it as pajamas in the winter whenever our central heating went out. Plus the stipe will match your bow!"
"Sayori, I can't-" Monika began, but Sayori had already gone back to the closet and had begun to dig through the lower drawers. Monika sighed and hesitantly took off her blazer and threw on the sweater. It was certainly warm, and there was a hint of a sweet scent attached to it that Monika suspected was from Sayori's perfume. It was a nice scent, one that reminded Monika of their early club days when it had just been the two of them. By the time she had pulled her hands through the sleeves Sayori was throwing something long and black at her: a pair of pants.
"Most of my clothes are a bit snug because I've been growing so much this year, but I'm almost positive you can fit these. Don't worry, they uh, shouldn't show off too much. Unless you want them to, in which case I might have something else- oh!" Sayori gave a little clap of joy once she saw Monika in her sweater, though Monika only glanced back doubtfully. "See? It looks great on you! Ugh, I wish I had something that could bring out your eyes a bit more though. Maybe I have another sweater..." She was about to turn back towards her closet when Monika reached out and gently grasped her wrist.
"Sayori, please!" Monika implored. "I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't need you to pity me, alright? You know how you don't want people to treat you different because of your depression? That's how I feel about my... my situation." She didn't want to sound unappreciative or mean, but having Sayori of all people try and help her just felt wrong. Undeserving even. She hadn't been looking for sympathy when she admitted to having no other clothes, she was just giving a reasonable explanation as to why she wasn't going out with the others. Sayori frowned and turned back to fully face Monika, taking both of Monika's hands and crouching down until they were at eye level with one another.
"I don't pity you." Sayori said simply. There was a serious look in her eyes that Monika hadn't seen often, but it told Monika her friend was being genuine. "I know what it's like to just have people give you sad looks and judge you because they think they know you based on your struggles. But, that's not how I see you." Her frown lifted into a hopeful smile and Monika had to force herself not to match it. She had always found those damn smiles too infectious. "I see a friend who has nothing to wear for a trip to a mall, and I really think the both of us could use some kind of distraction from our normal lives. And I really want to see her there with me tomorrow. Think of it as me lending you some clothes until you can get some, and you can just pay me back sometime. Okay?" Monika didn't really have an argument to counter that, and the appeal of getting out and being a normal teenager was becoming harder to resist. Was this really okay?
"Alright, fine. I give." Monika finally relented. "But, nothing else okay? Just the sweater and these pants." Sayori hopped back on her bed, bouncing in glee as she shook Monika's arm back and forth, with Monika rolling her eyes and struggling to pull her arm out of the girl's grasp until she eventually gave in to that too.
"So you'll come then? We can stop and all get lunch together and there's this store that sells these really earthy clothes that I really want you to see, ah I'm so excited!" Monika couldn't help but put on a smile at seeing her friend genuinely excited, though at Sayori's mention of the entire club being together a thought crossed her mind that wiped her brief look of contentment away.
"Uh, Sayori?" Monika asked. "I'm not so sure I'm ready for the others to see my living arrangements. Is there any way I could, you know...?" But Sayori seemed to understand and nodded enthusiastically.
"Of course, yeah yeah yeah! Natsuki said they'll be swinging by my place at around 11:30, so if you want to come over at like, 11:00 I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind! Plus if those pants don't fit that'll give us some time to find you something else." Monika's smile returned for a brief moment as she bowed her head slightly in thanks to Sayori before standing up and stretching. Monika had to hand it to her, the girl certainly knew how to keep someone's attention. She had almost forgotten about her little break down, but that thought in of itself made it fresh in her mind again and the desire to distance herself as far away from Sayori as possible was growing within her. Why couldn't she just enjoy being around her friend? Sighing at her own reluctance, Monika began to head for the door.
"I'm sorry for bothering you on your day off, and for taking some of your clothes." Monika was heading down the stairs with Sayori close behind her, but Sayori only scoffed as they reached the bottom.
"Monika, come on. I'm willingly giving you some clothes that I hardly even wear, you're not taking anything from me." Sayori corrected. "Plus I should be the one apologizing, I totally forgot I had your phone. Double plus, I made you guys worry about me enough that you felt like you had to check on me!" The two of them reached the door just as Sayori asked, "Hey, how'd you know where I live anyway?"
"Natsuki told me." Monika lied, hoping that she wouldn't double check that. She knew telling Sayori she had left early and spent an hour searching for her house would only make the poor girl feel even more guilty. Guilty, for some reason that word sent a shiver down Monika's spine, and she forced herself to continue speaking as a distraction to her own thoughts. "Though I almost missed it, you know you're supposed to put the nameplate on the gate so people passing by know whose house it is, right?"
"I didn't do that, the holder was already there when we moved here! Or, at least I think it was... ehehe." Sayori giggled as Monika rolled her eyes and opened up the door. The sound of rain splashing against the ground met their ears.
"Mmm, rainclouds." Sayori murmured as she peeked her head out to look at the sky. Monika stepped out onto the porch and gazed up at the sky as well for a moment before turning back to Sayori. She wanted to say something to her, something encouraging or to show her appreciation in some way other than a simple thanks, but she couldn't find the words without her stomach feeling like it was going to regurgitate the chips she had ate at lunch. What was wrong with her?
"Say', are you going to be alright?" Monika eventually managed. She wasn't sure where the nickname had come from, she had said it before she could even think it through properly and a part of her remembered using it a long time ago. But Sayori only gave Monika a familiar sad smile and shrugged her shoulders.
"It's just a raincloud, Monika. The sun has to come back-" But her soft reassurance was quickly drowned out by a feminine voice from within the Moriyama household.
"Young lady, I know damn well you're not trying to go outside when you're home sick from school, not to mention with hardly any clothes on! Do you want the neighborhood to think we're raising some kind of hussy?" Sayori winced at the outburst and turned her head back inside.
"Uwa- Mom! I'm just seeing Monika off!" She huffed and closed the door slightly, but still kept her head peeked out as she waved farewell to Monika. Just as Monika raised her own hand Sayori vanished behind the door, reappearing a second later with a wrapped umbrella in her hands that Monika recognized as the same one she had come to school with the day before. Before Monika could object Sayori planted the umbrella in her hand and with a mischievous giggle pulled back out of Monika's reach.
"I thought we agreed on you not giving me anything else." Monika said with a frown, but Sayori shook her head proudly.
"I'm just lending this, but I won't be going out today and you're the one walking home. So shush and take it, alright? You can give it back tomorrow or-
"SAYORI!" With that Sayori whispered a quick, "See ya!" and shut the door, leaving Monika standing alone on the porch as she stared at the door in silence. After a few moments, Monika unraveled the umbrella with difficulty as she tried to balance the clothes against her hip, and with a final glance back towards the house stepped out into the rain and began her walk home. Home she called it, but the shelter was not her home. Home was a place of safety and warmth, a place of unconditional love and tranquility. Home was somewhere like the Moriyama household where the worse thing someone had to worry about was probably a girl coming into their home and losing her mind for no reason.
Monika wanted to clutch her head but between the umbrella, her school stuff, and the clothes, she had no hands free enough to do so. Her thoughts felt jumbled and unclear, like they always did after talking to Sayori. What had happened to send her into such a state of duress? Had she been stricken with a panic attack? Was she ill? Why at that moment? If only she could rub her temples in a futile attempt at calming her rising nerves; the headache was becoming worse the more she questioned it.
You know why, she told herself. Nicknames? Pep-talks? It's like you want to get hurt. So much for the calming reliability of rationality. She loved when she was rational, because that gave her an anchor that she could fall back on whenever her head began to swim with fear or doubt. Everything had to make sense somehow after all. But now rationality felt like a cinder block tied to her feet. It was another Monika's green eyes staring judgmentally at her as she walked through the rain back to the shelter. She knew how careless she was being, and she was sure she'd pay for it in due time, but surely she could spend one day without holding their limitations over her head?
People use computer programs to help deal with loneliness all the time, this is pretty much the same thing, she thought back. So long as she was careful, so long as she remembered that they weren't really her friends, she would be okay. So long as she didn't think about the repercussions of if she was wrong, something that she suspected had played a part in her breakdown, then she would be fine. I will be okay, I will remember, and I will keep going, she repeated those words like a mantra the whole way home, and they stayed along with her headache long into the night, even after she awoke from dreams that she couldn't remember.
Monika was thankful when the sun rose the next morning and she could finally stop wavering in and out of consciousness. She would have gladly given her left hand for an espresso, anything to give her the energy she would indisputably need to take on the day ahead, but she refused to give the last of her yen for a coffee no matter how tempting. That 300 yen couldn't be wasted on a passing fancy after all. She didn't even bother pulling her hair up until she arrived at Sayori's house, where Sayori was kind enough to offer her both a brush and a mirror.
"I'm glad the pants fit!" Sayori chirped from her bed as she swung her legs over the edge. Monika was working on a particularly nasty tangle when she tilted the mirror down to get a better look at herself. She wasn't entirely sure if blue was her color, but seeing herself in something other than her school uniform was somehow satisfying to her. She hadn't even noticed when she changed into the clothes after her shower the night prior, but actually getting to see herself in the mirror looking so undeniably normal was a breath of fresh air. It made Monika smile.
Sayori, who at Monika's pause seemed to think her friend was still struggling with a tangle and had come up behind her to help, was also admiring Monika slightly as she took the brush from her. "I think this is the first time I've ever seen you with your hair down, Mon! It looks good on you!" She handed Monika her white bow, and in an act Monika had practiced a hundred times over twisted her hair into a long ponytail and stuck it appropriately through the bow with a final pull on the ribbon. A peek at her phone read the time as 11:22. It was almost time.
"Not quite, you saw me with it down when we talked at the shelter. Also, 'Mon'?" Monika asked as she thought back on the encounter. It was the first time either of them had brought it up directly, and from the way they both looked away it was clear the topic was still a little awkward.
"Yeah, you called me 'Say' yesterday for the first time in like, forever so I thought I'd give you a cute nickname too! And as for your hair, you were also wrapped up in a blanket for most of that time, sooo~" Sayori let out an awkward giggle and moved over to her drawer where she began to sort through various bottles and vials that Monika couldn't make out from her position in front of the mirror. "Okay, so I also have a bit of perfume and I think some eyeshadow that would totally look great on you but I kinda have to find it." Monika was about to peek over and help her look when Sayori's phone buzzed from the counter.
The screen lit up to show a text notification from someone named "Nat-The-Brat". It didn't take a star student to figure out who that was, and on a hunch Monika peeked out through Sayori's window towards the street below. Sure enough a silver hatchback sat parked in front of the Moriyama residence.
"Uh, Sayori?"
"Ya-huh?"
"I think they're here early."
"Ya-huh- wait, they're what?!"
Sayori dumped the contents she had gathered back into the drawer and skipped over to her desk, grabbing her phone and shoving it in her pocket with a look of panic. After a slight squeal she turned and grabbed Monika by the wrist and pulled the both of them down the stairs and straight out the door, calling back a farewell to her parents as she kicked the door shut behind them. Monika had to commend Sayori, she was fast when she wanted to be. Perhaps too fast.
"Sayori, slow down! Easy!" Monika cried out as the two bounded up to the car at a speed that left her slipping against the sidewalk. Monika's warning almost came too late, but between the two's efforts they managed a sudden stop that barely prevented Monika's face from being squished up against the back-seat window that beheld a very perturbed Natsuki staring back at her. Monika sighed as Sayori brought the two back to balance, her ears as pink as her t-shirt and a chuckle on her lips as she walked to the other side of the car and mouthed an apology to Monika.
"Jesus Sayori, I thought you were going to launch Monika through the window!" Natsuki chided as Sayori scooted in beside her. Monika stepped into the passenger seat and shook her head, turning to greet both Yuri and Natsuki. It was her first time in a car and while the experience was nothing out of the ordinary in hindsight, Monika couldn't help but feel impressed at the relaxing angle of the seating. It was much better on her back than wooden school desks, that was for sure.
"Y-yes, kindly don't." Yuri murmured as she shifted the gear and pulled off down the road. She was wearing a thick beige turtleneck and black leggings, something Monika recognized as the casual outfit that had been reserved for the Sunday in the game. As she turned back to look at Natsuki and Sayori she realized that they too wore the casual clothes they had donned in the game, and while it brought a bitter reminder of the truth behind the girls' nature, it also reminded Monika that she had never been given the chance at her own casual Sunday outfit. Even what she wore now wasn't hers, merely extras from Sayori's pity.
Not pity Monika, generosity. As much as she tried to convince herself of Sayori's words, it just wouldn't seem to nail into her head.
"So, what did I miss while I was out?" Sayori's voice piped up from the back followed by the click of a seatbelt. Before Monika could speak Natsuki's voice answered nonchalantly from the seat behind her.
"Not much, Monika got mad at me cause I yelled at her on Thursday, and then she threw a candy bar at my nose Friday. You know, she probably would've done well in the softball club." Monika had to hand it to Natsuki for playing off their argument in such a casual manner, even if Monika would've preferred avoiding mention of the incident altogether. Sayori however was not as impressed.
"You wha-" Sayori gasped, crossing her arms and throwing a pout at Monika. "Don't bully Nat, Monika!"
Monika raised her hands defensively. "I- she spilled tea all over my blazer!" A thin smile tugged at her lips however as she turned and saw the smug look Natsuki was giving her. If that was how they were going to do this then she could play along. "But to be fair the only reason we argued was because she was so worried about you. I'd have thought you were the latest weekly manga magazine with how antsy she was." Monika held back a giggle as the smugness was utterly wiped from Natsuki's face and was quickly replaced with a flushed face and spiteful stutters.
"So you threw a chocolate bar at her?!" But even Sayori couldn't keep up her false contempt, trailing into a fit of giggles as Yuri came to a red light and the car slowed to a stop. Sayori and Natsuki began discussing how hard someone would have to throw a piece of chocolate to actually cause damage, and Monika let herself sink into the comfort of the passenger seat. The inside of the car was warm and carried the faint scent of lilac, making Monika feel quite comfortable as she looked over to watch Yuri. The girl was focused on the road ahead, mirroring the same brand of intensity that Monika often saw painted across her whenever she was reading in the clubroom.
Yuri seemed to notice Monika's stare and suddenly seemed much less at ease, her own gaze flickering back towards Monika several times. "I-is something the matter, Monika? I apologize if we arrived too early, I- well, since I had to pick up Natsuki I was a bit concerned about making it on time, as it were."
Monika shook her head, smiling apologetically at Yuri. "Not at all, well actually I think you may have caught Sayori off guard, but at the worst you saved me from becoming her personal make-up doll." Sayori blew a raspberry from the back seat at that, causing Yuri to give off a soft smile. "I mean, she didn't even bother to double check if it was actually you that was outside, she just grabbed my wrist and- whoosh!" Monika made a motion with her hand to signify their sudden departure, at which point Sayori leaned forward and poked her head over the glove compartment.
"Well duh, why would you lie about something like that? That'd just be silly." Sayori gave Monika a playful shrug before leaning back in her seat, beaming. "Besides, I trust you!"
Monika's gut clenched and her smile faded as Sayori's words sunk in. Why did she have to say that? Was she guessing at Monika's underlying discomfort after what had transpired yesterday? What if she secretly remembered their shared history and was purposefully trying to put her on edge? Monika had seen what had become of Sayori after she had become the president of the literature club within the game, and it chilled her even now to think back on it. Had she displayed that same brand of obsession originally? Had she seen a mirror of her own flaws and madness and only become repulsed by it once it bore the image of her so-called friend?
Monika let out a deep breath and leaned back into her seat. She was being ridiculous and paranoid to boot over a simple statement, one that should have made Monika feel good. But it didn't make her feel good at all, instead it only made her want to shut the world around her out and recede back into the confines of her mind where it was far safer. She could not and would not follow that line of thought, not here and not ever. Here she was on a social outing with friends, something she had dreamed of and thought too far out of her reach to ever realistically obtain, and yet all she could do was sit and overthink every little thing. Perhaps she was losing her mind all over again, or perhaps it had never returned to her in the first place.
As the others drifted into quiet conversation, Monika turned instead to stare out at the passing trees and scenery. They had entered the city now, and Yuri was pulling onto a highway that rose up to bring them level with some of the buildings that they were passing. Monika's eyes darted over the various other cars and alleyways, and to the sidewalk below that held all kinds of people all doing different things. Checking their phones, making conversation, or sitting outside of a bistro and enjoying brunch beneath the cloud-covered autumn sun. There was so much going on that Monika was having a hard time processing all of it, but then she looked up and saw just how far the city stretched.
Pillars of metal and glass of all kinds seemed to stretch towards the horizon, but a line of green separated the skyline from the sky itself. Forests maybe, or rolling hills that lead off to the countryside? She could see a range of mountains in the gaps of the buildings far to their west, each one was shaped differently and had different styles of peaks and slopes. Everything was so detailed in ways Monika hadn't considered until she saw them for herself: signs, cars, clothing, not even the people below showed signs of consistent repetition. As she pulled back from the window she saw her reflection looking back, and the emerald eyes in the window had begun to tear up.
God, don't get your hopes up that this is real, keep it sensible Monika. She wiped her eyes hoping none of the others caught sight of her moment of weakness. Tearing up over a city view would raise some eyebrows for sure as Monika had never been the most sentimental, and she knew her behavior this week had already drawn a bit of attention. Monika laid back against the seat and let out a quiet breath, taking another look out into the world beyond. She didn't know where the borders lay, or if the mountains in the distance were just a pretty backdrop, but that didn't matter right now. She would sit and enjoy her fake world, her fake friends, and even their trip to the fake mall if just for a day. The illusion would not last forever, that much was certain when she already held so many doubts in her mind, but to find a bit of peace in such a thing was a comfort that she could not afford to pass up when everything else seemed to weigh her down.
Monika felt herself drifting off once or twice, the soothing atmosphere of the car ride mixed with her terrible sleep routine became impossible to fight off the longer she zoned out. Thankfully the sound of the car's engine settling and clicking of keys snapped Monika from her half-asleep state as the others began to step out into a parking lot. They had arrived. Monika quickly followed suit, and soon the group was passing through the large glass archway that served as the entrance to the shopping mall. It wasn't the largest mall in Monika's opinion, but having no memories of visiting one prior to her revelation certainly left her impressed by what she saw. Two floors of bright shops and signs mixed with the smells of food and perfume that slammed into Monika like a truck, and it was absolutely jam-packed with other shoppers.
"Uuuu, t-there's so many people..." Yuri mumbled as the four of them stopped to take in their surroundings. Natsuki rolled her eyes and jabbed a thumb towards the inner depths of the mall.
"Well duh, it's a shopping mall on a Saturday. What'd you expect?" Despite her assured tone even Natsuki looked a bit intimidated by the towering crowds. Sayori stood on her tiptoes to try and peek over the mess, but the jumbling flocks of people made it impossible to properly navigate and she gave the group a stumped look. Seeing the others gaze about uncertainly made Monika realize that they would get nowhere in this state, and after a quick glance at her phone turned to the others and put on her best president voice.
"Okay, everyone!" Sure enough the group turned and gave Monika their attention and she smiled in return. "I think it'd be best if we split up for now, since traveling with all of us together will be a bit more cumbersome with the crowds. I know the two of you," At this she motioned at Natsuki and Yuri, "were planning on getting supplies for the club's festival presentation, and since Sayori and I won't really need anything for our part I think it might be a good idea if one of us accompanied each of you to help you get what you need. It's just now hitting noon so we can regroup for lunch in, say an hour?" She looked to the others and everyone gave affirming nods, although after a moment Yuri spoke up.
"A-actually, if it's alright with you Monika, I think it might be more efficient for Natsuki and I to travel together. The crafts store I usually visit sells ingredients and cooking supplies I think might be... beneficial for Natsuki's role in the festival, as well as the paper and candles I require. N-not that I'm trying to undermine you, of course!" Yuri audibly swallowed and began rubbing a strand of her hair between her fingers, but Monika smiled and nodded towards her.
"You're fine Yuri, this is your trip after all! I was just trying to help get us all on the move. If that works with everyone else then I suppose me and Sayori can just meander about a bit." She glanced over at Sayori who flashed her a cheerful smile, one that Monika forced herself to mirror. In truth she had been hoping to separate herself from Sayori a bit, the memories of her breakdown from yesterday were still fresh in her mind and she wasn't keen for a repeat of them. But trying too hard to avoid Sayori would hurt her feelings and no doubt sour the outing, and she was still determined to have fun.
"I guess." Natsuki grumbled as she crossed her arms. "But your craft store better have some top-tier ingredients if they're going to be good enough for my cupcakes! I only put the best into my baking!" With a wave the two of them began to wade through the masses leaving Monika and Sayori behind at the entrance. They stood silently for a moment as they watched their friends go until Sayori nodded her head to indicate they enter the fray as well. As the two of them began to wade past the various stalls and stores, Sayori turned back to Monika with a curious grin.
"So, where do you wanna go first? I'd kinda like to pick up a new bow since I think this one is starting to fade, and there was this really cool choker on sale last time I came here and I can't believe I left without buying it, like I bet it's not even on sale anymore!" The two of them had arrived at the base of an escalator and Monika could only give Sayori a half-hearted shrug.
"Oh it doesn't really matter to me. I've never been in here before, so I'll just follow wherever you need to go." Monika gave her friend another smile, but Sayori seemed strangely put off by her response.
"Monika, the mall isn't about what you need. It's about what you want. This is just as much my distraction as it is yours, you know?" She took Monika's hand and shook it gently while giving her friend an entreating look. Monika's forced smile fell into a much softer but far more honest one as she realized that Sayori was using the social outing for the same reason she was, and was even keen enough to pick up on both of their intentions. She never had given Sayori credit for the sharp perception she so often hid behind a bubbly and quirky exterior. "So what is it you want to do at the mall?"
Monika had to think about that for a second. What did she want to do? What could she do with only a couple hundred yen? She wasn't entirely sure, but as she mulled over her friend's words she realized that Sayori had already answered that for her. "I want to be distracted." Monika told her confidently. Sayori seemed pleased with her answer and took Monika by the wrist, leading them both up the escalator and down the second-floor balcony.
"Good! In that case I think I got just the thing!" She declared. The two of them passed several shops and groups of people, and Monika was somewhat glad that Sayori was holding onto her as she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep up otherwise. At first she thought that Sayori was leading her towards a sweet shop that had a bright pastel sign outside as an advertisement, but instead she was steered to the right of it and down its side where an arcade cabinet with a flashing sign sat blaring music with a wide screen and two metal floor pads with colored arrows. Each floor pad had a neon metal rail attached to the back, and the screen itself was whirling with colors and lights as a boy their age furiously tapped at the arrows with his feet.
"Dancing Remix Revolution?" Monika read aloud whilst casting a skeptical glance towards her friend. Sayori bounced on her feet and nodded, balling her fists together with a toothy smile as she watched the boy dance away on the machine. After a minute the boy's song ended and with a celebratory cheer he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and as he hopped off of the dance pad he paused to look at Sayori and Monika more clearly. A moment later he snapped his fingers and motioned towards the two of them.
"Ah, that's it! You're Sayori, right? Sayori Moriyama?" He asked. Monika swapped glances with Sayori, but both of them seemed confused by the stranger's recognition. Monika thought he looked a little familiar, but she couldn't match a name to the face. Sayori eventually nodded and gave the boy a look of equal confusion and friendliness.
"Yep, that's me! Have we met before?" She asked, but the boy just shook his head and turned the other direction, his mouth coiled into a smirk as he passed them.
"Nah, just recognized you from school is all. Have a good one, see you guys at the festival." And with that he gave a farewell wave, leaving the two girls sharing confused looks as they watched him vanish into the crowd of passerby. Monika stifled a snort at her friend's dumbfounded look and waved a hand nonchalantly at the direction the student had disappeared in.
"I wouldn't worry about getting rejected, you already got a secret admirer from the looks of it." Monika teased, but remembered too late that they were supposed to be distracting themselves from their problems. Despite her curiosity at the finer details of what had transpired, and perhaps a clue as to the change in Sayori's poem, she couldn't find it in her to pry after all Sayori had done for her so far. Even if her kindness made Monika anxious. Rather than a response Sayori only gave Monika an uninterested shrug before turning back to the dance cabinet.
"Ah, we're lucky there was only one person here with how busy it is today! Normally when I come here there's like, at least six or seven people waiting in line! Don't tell me you've never played?" Sayori hopped onto one of the metal pads and after a moment of heavy consideration Monika stepped onto the one beside hers.
"Not really, no. Video games and me generally don't mix very well." Monika admitted as she dug out her yen. The screen listed the price of a single game as three-hundred yen per player, and it was with a heavy heart that Monika inserted the last of her money into the machine. She had come too far to back out now, but for what was supposed to be a distraction from her problems the game was already adding to her ever-growing list of them.
"What?! Well we're changing all that today missy, cause today you and me are going to dance so hard that we're going to be sweating glitter by the end of it!" Sayori stated proudly as she inserted her own yen. Monika wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but she didn't have long to wonder as Sayori leaned forward and began scrolling through the song list. "Let's see, let's see... I think Paranoia Revolution might be too hard, and I don't really feel like doing Lunatic Princess again. Uh, what about... oh, Yuukei Yesterday is good, let's do that one!"
The screen went dark for a moment before a bundle of colors and flashing lights took the center stage, and for a moment Monika felt her heart drop as she remembered the blazing void with her own particles and code being stretched and reassembled, but then the colored arrows below her lit up and a song with a peppy beat began to play from the machine's speakers. Monika took a deep breath and reminded herself of where she was, far from where such things could hurt her before turning to an excited Sayori.
"So, how do I play exactly?" She had seen enough of the boy's dancing to guess at what she had to do, but the thought of slipping up and looking like an idiot in the middle of a mall made her swallow any knowledgeable pride she harbored.
"Just tap the arrow on the floor whenever it matches with the ones up top, okay? Ready... now now now!" Sayori suddenly bounced around on the metal pad, with Monika looking up at the screen just in time to see a stream of colored arrows flying up from the bottom. She had already missed the first two arrows, but upon seeing the third one approach she reached over and gently stomped on the right arrow. Then the top, and the bottom, and before she knew it she found her feet tapping along to the arrows at a reasonable pace.
The sound of her feet slapping against the metal pads created a satisfying beat to the music, and though she found herself becoming lost whenever the music picked up too fast, finding her footing again always brought a pleasant feeling as her and Sayori's feet matched up to the tempo. Though Monika made sure to focus on the screen to keep her rhythm, she could always see Sayori out of the corner of her eye tapping and stomping to the beat. This clearly wasn't Sayori's first time as Monika's mistakes far outweighed her friend's, in fact Sayori seemed so content in her playing that she would occasionally flourish or turn to flash a thrilled smile at Monika whenever the music would decrescendo or lull into a bridge within the song.
Monika had just landed two arrows simultaneously for the first time when she felt something firm crash into her hip, knocking her off balance and almost off of the platform. She turned her head just in time to see Sayori bringing her waist back in time to tap her arrows with a look of coy mischief plastered on her face.
"Did you just hip-bump me?" Monika asked as a laugh escaped her lips. She quickly found her footing again and continued her own tapping, but that minor distraction had cost her a huge number of points according to the screen.
"Nuh-uh, I would never!" Sayori lied as she stuck her tongue out, giving a little spin that almost put her off balance and caused the girl to erupt into a fit of giggles. Monika shook her head, but the smile never left her face as the song's outro faded out and their ratings flashed up on the screen. Sayori had nailed a rating of "AA" while Monika had managed a "B-" which she didn't think was too bad despite the large gap in their numbered score. Sayori threw both of her hands up and let out a tired "Woo!" before stepping off of the metal platform and leaning against the neon rail.
Monika followed Sayori's lead and leaned against her own rail as the two of them caught their breath and gazed out at the lineup of shops and stalls sitting on the other side of the second-floor. For a moment they simply stood there and basked in the glow of the mall as the ambient music of the arcade machine played behind them, and Monika was almost surprised that her smile came so naturally. It felt like for the first time that week she had felt something akin to contentment, and as she glanced at Sayori beside her she realized she wasn't the only one.
Sayori held a smile that Monika could tell wasn't a mask or a cover, but a genuine display of joy. Monika had grown so used to the lively smiles that Sayori used around people that she had almost forgotten that most of them weren't authentic. But in this little moment of happiness between the two of them she was reminded of the early days of the club when their biggest worries were getting enough members to be an officially sponsored after-school club, or accidentally making one of their members uncomfortable. Monika didn't think about her fears or headaches, about poems or her existentialism, in that moment all that occupied her thoughts was how good it felt to be genuinely happy after suffocating in gloom and pessimism for so long.