Chapter 5: Emotional Dissonance
The chapter that answers.
"What about this one? I think it'd look good with a nice peacoat, maybe a vest too."
"I don't know, I'm kind of still getting used to seeing you outside of your school uniform if I'm being honest."
"That's fair! But what do you think about the color?"
Monika frowned as Sayori held the bright orange ribbon up for the both of them to see. The two of them had decided to do a bit of light shopping, or in Monika's case window-shopping, while they waited for Natsuki and Yuri to gather their own supplies for the festival. She hadn't mentioned her lack of funds to Sayori yet, though she was beginning to suspect that the girl knew more than she let on. They had been wandering around a few merchandise shops and a store that specialized in old vinyl that Monika found charming, and were now browsing the accessory section of a clothing store Sayori had practically dragged her into. So far, Sayori had yet to settle on anything except for a few tops draped over her arm.
"I suppose it's okay, I think the orange might clash a bit with your hair though." Monika put a hand on her chin and imagined Sayori's crimson bow replaced with the orange, but the image just didn't look right to her. "I think with your hair being the shade it is, you'd do better with darker hues to help compliment it." The two of them looked at the ribbon again and Sayori shrugged, placing it neatly on her shirts before smiling back at Monika.
"You're probably right, maybe I'll get a dark one too. Oh, look at that pullover!" Sayori strode off towards a rack of sweaters leaving Monika to watch in amusement as her friend struggled to stay balanced while digging through the mass of clothes. This had been going on ever since they had entered the store, Sayori would ask for Monika's opinion on an article of clothing and if Monika approved Sayori would grab it, while most of the ones she deemed unfavorable were left behind. Monika knew Sayori trusted her with many things, but to put such a reliance on her opinion in clothing seemed a bit too trusting. One might almost deem it suspicious, and Monika certainly did. It was time for a little test.
Monika looked around the store for a minute before finally eyeing a top hanging off one of the higher racks. The white turtleneck looked fairly innocuous aside from the slit across the upper torso that exposed a fair bit of one's chest: a keyhole sweater. It was the perfect bait. Monika waved Sayori over and pointed up towards the sweater while putting on an impressed look.
"That sweater up there looks pretty cozy. It might be good if you went on a date or to a nice restaurant, don't you think?" Monika suggested with an innocent tone. Sayori leaned back on her heels to get a better view, giving the sweater a curious look. After a small hum she turned to Monika.
"Oh, you think so?" She asked to which Monika gave a confident nod; that had been just the question she was hoping for. Sayori gave her a trademark smile and looked around, likely for an employee to get the sweater down, and just as she spied one and set off Monika called out just loud enough for her to hear, "Yeah, it'd look great on you, I don't think I could ever see myself in one though." Sayori paused mid-step as soon as Monika spoke, and after a moment of consideration spun back around and began to make her way back over.
"You know, I'm actually not so sure about it the more I think about it. It's a bit too risqué for me personally, ehehe. Good suggestion though." She reassured. Monika sighed and shook her head, crossing her arms as she turned to face Sayori. Hook, line, and Sayori, she thought to herself.
"You're trying to buy me clothes aren't you?" Monika didn't even have to wait for a reply; Sayori's face gave everything away as her mouth gaped and her ears burned the color of her bow. Then she turned away while her fingers twiddled absentmindedly and purposefully avoided Monika's gaze, it was the spitting image of someone who was caught red handed.
"No." Sayori mumbled. Monika had to admit that for someone who was so adept at hiding their true feelings and emotions, Sayori couldn't lie to save her life when it came to stuff like this. She might've even found it amusing if it wasn't for the fact that she felt slightly miffed at Sayori for trying to go behind her back. She knew it was coming from a good place, but that didn't stop the fact that they had already agreed the day prior not to gift Monika with anything else as she felt bad enough for accepting her friend's clothes.
Pinching the bridge of her nose Monika glanced down at the clothes draped over Sayori's arm and with a tone of exasperation asked, "Are any of those actually for you?" to which Sayori pulled out a single black t-shirt displaying a band's logo across the front, a guilty smile spread across her face. Monika suppressed a groan and turned around while motioning for Sayori to follow her. "Come on," She urged. "Let's see if we can't find where we originally found some of these. I think you got at least one of these over here..."
"Aw, come on Monika!" Sayori begged as she followed behind. "I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything, I just want to lend you a hand! Think of it as like, uh... birthday gifts! For all the years we didn't know each other!" But Monika just shook her head.
"Sayori, we agreed no more gifts. I meant it, I really don't want you spending your money on me." Monika glanced around trying to remember which aisles they had been down and Sayori had begun to keep pace beside her. "Not to mention I stay in a... a homeless shelter, you realize I don't have anywhere to store these clothes even if I did let you buy them for me, right?" It was the first time she had ever directly mentioned her living situation and hearing it out loud made her realize just how strange it really sounded.
But Sayori wasn't so easily persuaded. "So let me get you a bag then, please?" Her insistence made Monika blow a breath of air through her nose, she was really beginning to feel as if Sayori was just ignoring her feelings on the matter. Finally Monika turned and placed her hands on her friend's shoulders, making sure to meet Sayori's eyes as she spoke.
"Sayori, I really need you to listen to me here, alright? I appreciate what you're doing, I do. It's comforting to know I have someone willing to be so kind to me." If not unnerving. Monika shook the thought away and continued. "But I. Am not. Your problem. Okay?" She kept her eyes locked on Sayori's, hoping she would understand the seriousness in her tone and actions. She wasn't trying to be rude or unappreciative, but she had to draw the line somewhere. Plenty of people could have used Sayori's pity, but Monika would not let herself be one of them.
"But you are my friend." Sayori stated with a firmness that Monika hadn't expected. It caught her off guard enough that she released Sayori, and the two stared at one another for a few seconds as if waiting for the other to add something, but neither did. Monika glanced at the clothes hanging over Sayori's arm, and then back at Sayori who still wore a determined look that told Monika she wasn't planning on backing down, at least not completely. Their day had been so enjoyable up to this point that Monika felt loath to ruin it just because she wanted to be stubborn.
"Alright, look. I wasn't kidding about not having anywhere to store these, but uh..." She picked up the orange ribbon they had examined earlier and placed it in Sayori's hand. "I'll let you buy me this. Just this, alright?" Sayori looked down at the ribbon uncertainly for a moment, but when she returned her gaze to Monika the uncertainty had been replaced with reluctant approval.
"Deal." Sayori gave her another smile that Monika couldn't help but match, and with that the two of them returned the other pieces of clothing to their respective shelves. By the time Sayori had purchased the ribbon and her band shirt Monika found that they were coming close to the one hour mark, signaling their rendezvous with the others. Monika checked her phone for any texts or notifications, but her messages remained empty. With a frown she turned to Sayori as the two stepped back out into the hustle and bustle of the mall.
"Have either of them messaged you? I feel like we should've decided on somewhere to meet up before splitting off." She asked, but Sayori shook her head. Monika began typing out a text to Natsuki while Sayori peered over the railing of the balcony, and just as Monika moved her thumb over the "Send" button Sayori began bouncing on her toes and pointing down towards the first floor.
"Oh, oh! I see them! At least I think it's them, might just be Nat cause they're kinda far away. Over by fountain, you see?" Sure enough as Monika followed Sayori's line of sight she could see a flash of pink sitting on a bench in front of a circular fountain shooting small geysers of water into the air. Monika smiled at Sayori and nodded her head down towards the direction of the fountain, indicating they head downstairs to meet them. As the two crossed through the lower floor and approached the fountain they saw Natsuki had moved from the bench to the rim of the fountain and was looking down into the pool holding a concentrated expression. Two shopping bags sat beside her, but Yuri was nowhere to be seen.
"Natty-nu!" Sayori called in a singsong voice as they approached. Natsuki jumped, turning to Sayori with an alarmed expression and hurriedly standing from the fountain's edge as Sayori raised her hands for an incoming hug. Monika noticed water dripping from her hand and raised an eyebrow, but Natsuki was already preoccupied.
"Don't sneak up on me, you almost made me fall- hey, HEY!" Natsuki held her hands out and took a step back in an attempt to stop Sayori's approach but before Sayori ever reached her she stumbled. Monika winced as she prepared for what was coming, the sound of a splash and a shrill yelp confirming her fear as Monika gritted her teeth and opened one eye to survey the damage. Sure enough, Natsuki sat in the fountain with her legs splayed over the rim and a look that Monika couldn't quite describe strewn across her face, with one part anger and one part despair evident as she looked down at herself and then up at Sayori.
Monika glanced over at the sound of giggling as several shoppers passing by the fountain pointed to the three of them. Their insensitivity made her frown but she managed to push the thought of them aside as she and Sayori both reached down to help Natsuki out, grabbing her by her arms and pulling her back onto the marble floor. Most of her skirt and back were soaked and as she regained her footing she quickly shook off her friends' help.
"I could've gotten up by myself!" She snapped, looking down at the puddle of water that was growing beneath her. Sayori opened her mouth in what was likely an apology but Natsuki beat her to the punch. "I told you I don't like hugs! I've told you that like twenty freakin' times but you keep doing it! Please, just stop!" Her fists clenched together and she took a deep breath as Monika and Sayori swapped glances. After wringing her skirt out Natsuki looked up at the two girls, most of the anger on her face having abated and quickly being replaced with shame.
"I didn't mean to startle you Nat." Sayori apologized quietly. Natsuki shook her head and grabbed the bags from where she had been sitting, walking past the both of them as she headed in the opposite direction.
"Whatever, I know you didn't mean to. Let's just go eat, or something." The sound of snickering erupted from behind them in the direction of the fountain, and Monika had sighed knowing that Natsuki likely heard it as well. As they followed Natsuki away from the center of the mall she dipped her chin down and asked them in a soft voice, "Hey uh, nobody... nobody saw up my, you know, my skirt right? Like it wasn't visible to people who walked by, was it?" Both Monika and Sayori quickly shook their heads though Monika had to admit she hadn't really been checking. Not that Natsuki needed to know of course.
The three of them silently made their way over towards the mall's food court, a large dome-like room across from the lobby that held a plethora of cafes and restaurants that circled a mass of tables and chairs for diners to enjoy at their leisure. Monika was a little overwhelmed by all the choices, from packed tempura stands to little bakeries that exuded the warm smell of yeast and frosting it seemed to Monika that there was certainly something for everyone here. She even spotted a few western restaurant chains littered among the lot. This was a good thing as it meant they would all be able to order from wherever they wanted without having to settle for a meal they didn't particularly enjoy.
Well, most of us anyway, Monika realized with a start that Yuri wasn't among them yet and that she had almost forgotten about her after the fountain incident. It wasn't the first time Yuri's quiet demeanor had put her in the back of Monika's mind; a memory of her first attempt at planning for the festival sprouted in which she had forgotten to assign Yuri a task and had asked the others for assistance. It wasn't entirely Yuri's fault though, she was just programmed to be the shy and quiet type after all. Upon asking where she was, Natsuki spoke up.
"Bathroom, some guy started hitting on her in her little craft shop and I think it overloaded her or something." Natsuki shrugged. "Think he was a tourist, he definitely wasn't anything worth looking at and she was clearly not feeling it, so I go to tell him about all the local delicacies he should go choke on, right? But then Yuri starts pushing me towards the checkout and- oh nevermind, there she is." Sure enough Monika turned to see Yuri approaching the three of them, her head bowed down as she passed the diners.
Monika gave the girl a smile and waved her over. "Hey Yuri, how'd your shopping go?" She imagined Yuri wouldn't be too keen to pick up where Natsuki had left off and decided to keep things as casual as possible for their trip out together. Yuri gave a strained smile, sliding out of the way of a passing couple with trays in hand so she was face to face with the others.
"Q-quite well, thank you. I think me and Natsuki found just about everything that we require for our parts in the festival. I take it you and Sayori enjoyed yours as well?" Yuri asked, taking one of the bags from Natsuki. "I-I apologize. For making you all wait, that is, you all could have ordered your food without me." She gazed curiously at the water that Natsuki had trailed in her wake but said nothing as she looked over to the others. Monika found herself somewhat grateful, she really didn't want to see Natsuki flare back up again.
"Not at all Yuri, we just got here." Monika assured her. "How about I find us all a table to sit at while you all order your food? I get the feeling it might take a minute with how crowded the mall is today." It was true that many of the tables surrounding them were already occupied, and so the four of them agreed to go their separate ways while Monika scoured the area for any sign of an empty table for them all. It wasn't until she spotted a group of three leaving a table that she was able to secure one, gathering an extra chair and sitting patiently while she waited for the others.
Sayori and Yuri returned at almost the same time with trays in hand, while Natsuki followed shortly after carrying a small plate of what looked to be mochi donuts. Sayori looked over at Yuri's plate and Monika could already see the girl's mouth watering as her eyes followed Yuri's hands carefully unravelling the sandwich that she had bought.
"Oooh, what's that Yuri? That looks soooo good!"
"Oh, Bulgogi Onigirazu." Yuri held up the sandwich to help give them a better view. "It consists of grilled meat, egg, a bit of nori, and some vegetables. I personally find the gochujang sauce to be the best part however, my mother taught me how to make it when I was younger but I believe I've forgotten most of the ingredients." It wasn't just Sayori drooling over the sandwich, Natsuki seemed to have completely forgotten her own plate and was completely fixated on Yuri's meal. Sayori grinned and picked up a strip of tempura from her own plate, however as soon as she glanced over at Monika her face fell and she lowered her hand from her mouth. Monika felt her face flush as she realized how odd it must look for her to be the only one without a plate.
"Hey, are you not going to eat anything?" Sayori asked, her voice tinged with concern. Monika shook her head as the other two girls looked up at her.
"Oh no, I had a really big breakfast and I don't want to overdo it, you know?" Monika gave her friends a big smile and hoped none of them realized how hard she was faking it. "Plus someone had to stay here and make sure nobody took our spot. I might pick up a coffee on the way out or something, but I'm good." God what she would've given for a coffee, her bouts of rest in the car had done little to boost her energy. She knew Sayori could see through her lie, she was the only one who knew of her situation and if she hadn't guessed at her lack of funds prior than she almost certainly was now. At least Yuri and Natsuki seemed to take her excuse at face value, as the two shrugged and began to talk about their shopping.
Sayori didn't look away from her, and for some reason that only made Monika's skin crawl. She could see it out of the corner of her eye, the sad and knowing stare that told Monika she could see through every word and lie. Was this what their friendship was now? Calling out each other's lies and secrets that nobody else ever seemed to see? Silent looks of pity and nothing more. What kind of friendship was that? Could Monika even consider herself a friend of Sayori's, or any of the other girls' for that matter, when she was secretly planning to slowly replace them with other shiny new forms of artificial intelligence that she was bound to eventually grow bored of as well?
God, just shut up and enjoy the trip to the mall. Get a hold of yourself before you ruin the day, she chided internally. In her brief moment of inner-conflict she hadn't even realized that Sayori was no longer looking at her, instead her focus had turned to Natsuki and Yuri whose voices were slowly rising in a tone that reeked of an argument in the making. Nevermind Monika, they've got that part covered for you.
"I-I assumed no such thing, I assure you!" Yuri protested to an accusation Natsuki had made. "I simply did not see twelve-hundred yen as an inordinate amount to pay for good quality ingredients! Did you not say you wanted the best for your cupcakes?"
"I'm all about putting quality into my cooking, but twelve-hundred yen for one ingredient is freakin' ridiculous!" Natsuki argued with a bit of mochi still in her mouth. "I got other things I had to buy besides flour, I can't just spend all of my money on one ingredient when cupcakes require butter, milk, eggs, and all kinds of stuff! That's not even counting the decorations I need to make the cat faces!"
"Perhaps you could have considered that a shopping mall would not be the place to purchase ingredients if you are tight on money?"
"I'm just fine with money, thank you very much! Just because I'm not loaded out the ass like you are doesn't mean I'm poor, you know! I'm just managing myself properly, and the last time I checked my financial decisions were not your concern!" Yuri's input seemed to have hit a sensitive spot for Natsuki, as the smaller girl's breathing shifted and her cheeks had flushed to a red color as she spoke. Monika and Sayori swapped glances like two children who were watching their parents cause a scene out in public, and it was clear that without some kind of intervention neither girl would back down.
But what was she supposed to say? They weren't in the club, and she didn't have any authority over any of the girls considering she wasn't the one who planned the trip in the first place. Monika looked about uncertainly before turning back to Sayori, who seemed to have taken her look as an invitation to step in as she gave her a firm nod before putting both of her hands on the table and standing from her chair.
"Guys, come on, there's no need for this!" Sayori pleaded, filling the gap between the outbursts. Natsuki and Yuri both turned to their vice president and before either one could counter a rebuttal Sayori pressed on. "I'm sure Yuri wasn't trying to insinuate anything about your money Nat, I can tell she just wanted to help you make the best darn cupcakes you can make! And I know you didn't mean to snap at Yuri, you were just defensive about how you divide your money between your ingredients, and that's okay!"
"I'm not defensive." Natsuki muttered under her breath, but Sayori ignored her.
"This is supposed to be a really fun day for all of us, I don't want to see it end on a bad note because of a silly little discussion getting out of hand. Can't we just look past it and enjoy our time here together? Please?" The smile she gave the others was so bright that Monika wouldn't have been surprised if the other diners had pulled out sunglasses, it was the kind of smile that only someone like Sayori could give. It was like a shield in the midst of a battle, it was really a cover for the one who bore it and yet all who saw it took it as a sign of hope and comfort against the trying times ahead.
Natsuki and Yuri both shared guilty looks, each one seeming unsure about who should apologize first or how they should go about it. Sayori worked her magic again however and sat back down, stretching her arms and letting out a gentle yawn before sliding her plate of battered shellfish over towards Monika.
"Man, I think I ordered way too much. Here, you take it Monika, I feel like I'll pass out if I try and stuff myself any further!" And just like that Monika found herself impressed with Sayori's slyness all over again. Not only had she managed to step in and settle the argument between the others, she had found a way to take the attention off of them in the aftermath so that they could have some time to think about their next moves, all while finding an excuse to make sure Monika ate. It was the kind of a thing a club president should've done, rather than sit there silently and feel like a fish out of water. Some friend you are? More like some president you are.
Monika's eyes flicked down to the plate of half-eaten tempura Sayori had slid her and for a moment she was willing to shove aside her pride as she realized just how hungry she really was, but with a pang of disappointment she realized that Sayori's leftovers consisted solely of shellfish. Would it be breaking her moral code to eat the tempura if it was already cooked? It wasn't as if she was encouraging the production of such things in eating it as she hadn't paid for it, and it would either be consumed by someone else or thrown away otherwise. Did this world even have an ozone layer to destroy? Monika shook her head, this was way too much thought process for something as trivial as shellfish.
"That's very kind of you Sayori, but I think I'm still pretty full from breakfast. I try not to eat meat if I can help it either, but uh..." She met Sayori's eyes and could see the hurt at having her help be rejected, and Monika knew there had to be some kind of alternative. As she glanced at her friends an idea formed and she met Sayori's eyes again before flicking them over towards Natsuki. Sayori followed them, her mouth forming a small "o" in understanding before she gave Monika a confirming nod.
"Well since me and Monika are already full, do you want this Nat?" Sayori asked while sliding the plate over. Natsuki looked taken aback as she took in the sight of the tempura, staring up at Sayori and Monika as if she couldn't believe that they were really passing up such a delicacy. She was quick to wipe the awed look off of her face however and snatched the plate closer.
"Well fine, I guess if you guys are just going to throw it away I'll make sure it doesn't get wasted." Natsuki rolled her eyes and took Sayori's chopsticks as well, but beneath the sarcasm and indifference Monika could see the words that Natsuki could never bring herself to say. The silent thanks that couldn't be spoken either from a fear of judgement, or from pride that had gone so long unchecked it had become a backbone. Much like Monika relied on her sense of logic, she could see that Natsuki used her pride as a crutch to deal with what the world threw at her. It dawned on her that perhaps she and Sayori weren't the only ones who were using this excursion as a distraction.
The rest of the meal seemed to pass in relative ease, something that Monika was grateful for. They talked about trivial things, from travel destinations they hoped to visit someday to the latest films to hit the cinemas, things that anyone else would have considered mindless small talk. But between the little jabs and jokes Monika felt herself slipping into the same mindless comfort she had felt whilst gazing out at the mall with Sayori. That contentment of just enjoying the small moments while they lasted, with no nightly terror or dread to prod at the back of their minds. Monika almost didn't want it to end, but as the others finished their meals and began to rise from the table she knew that all good things truly did have to come to a close eventually.
Natsuki didn't rise with the others however, instead she sat on the chair waiting with one leg crossed over the other. Monika glanced over at her and with a questioning look asked, "Natsuki? Are you coming?"
"Yep," Natsuki said with a sigh. "Soon as this stupid skirt stops leaking water, I thought it'd have dried by now but I can still feel the water from where I fell in." This earned a surprised look from Yuri who Monika realized hadn't been properly informed of Natsuki's impromptu swim in the fountain. "Is there anywhere else you guys need to go before we leave? I... really don't want to like, drip water on Yuri's seats and stuff." The other three girls looked at each other, trying to think of somewhere they could go to give Natsuki time to dry off, with Yuri eventually speaking up.
"Natsuki, i-if I may..." She inquired, "I believe I might have a solution. While I do not have anywhere else I would particularly like to visit, I am wearing another top beneath my sweater as it were, and I would not oppose allowing you to wrap it- the sweater, I mean, around your skirt to avoid dampening the backseat." Monika wasn't sure if Yuri was actually as okay with it as she was implying, but she had to give the girl credit for offering regardless. It was her own way of apologizing, and Monika respected that. "If you had said something sooner, p-perhaps I could have prevented you from, well, remaining wet."
"I mean, it wasn't your problem so I-" Natsuki began but Yuri only bowed respectfully and excused herself from the table.
"If there are no objections, I'll be back in just a moment. I wouldn't want- erm, that is, I'd rather not do such a thing in such an open space, r-regardless of the fact that I'm wearing something beneath, it's quite... embarrassing to do." Her voice trailed off to a mere whisper as she left, quickly strolling towards the bathrooms while the others sat behind and waited for her return. Natsuki looked conflicted, regretful almost, but a cheerful smile and a nudge from Sayori seemed to put the girl at ease if only a little. Monika could've sworn she even heard a quiet utterance of "thanks".
It wasn't long after that the group found themselves clambering back into Yuri's car, trailing down the highway as the early afternoon sun gave the inside of the car a relaxing warmth that mixed with full bellies put almost all of the occupants into a sleepy stupor. Their talk was minimal, and soon Monika could hear the soft sound of snoring emanate from the back seat. A quick glance back showed Natsuki, now fit with Yuri's sweater tied around her waist, with her head slumped on her shoulder and Sayori beside her, her eyes glazed over as she tried to keep herself awake. Monika turned back to see that Yuri thankfully showed little to no sign of weariness, completely concentrated on her task of driving them all home.
It put Monika at ease enough that as she laid her back against the headrest she could also feel the sweet lure of sleep grabbing at her, encouraging her to rest her eyes for just a few moments. It had been such a great day even with the few bumps, and between the comforting scent of lilac and gentle lull of the car beneath her she couldn't find a good reason to try and stay awake. A nap wouldn't hurt her after all. She wondered what Sayori and Natsuki were thinking about, if they too had enjoyed the day just as much as she had.
It hadn't been that bad of a day after all, at least not for her. Maybe that's what made Sayori sitting at the desk so dejectedly such a strange sight; what on earth could be bothering someone who was always so cheery and bubbly? Monika wasn't stupid, she knew. She knew better than anyone. Feigning ignorance towards the situation, Monika slid into the desk next to Sayori's and gently nudged her with her free hand. Sayori lifted her head and gave Monika a small smile, but they both knew there was no warmness behind it.
"Hey Sayori, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to talk? You're looking really out of sorts today." Monika pushed the desk closer, resting her chin on her palm as she gave her friend an unassuming look. Sayori stopped rubbing her eraser against the desk and met Monika's eyes for a moment, but it didn't last long.
"He asked you to come check on me, didn't he?" She mumbled. At least Monika knew she wasn't completely oblivious, but she didn't want to force any unwanted assumptions on the conversation yet. This was something that had to be navigated just right.
"Come on, Say. You think I don't recognize when my own vice president is having a rough day?" Monika scoffed and ruffled Sayori's hair in a playful yet gentle manner. Her fingers tapped against the edge of desk absentmindedly. She leaned closer, lowering her voice to a much softer tone so that none of the others could overhear them. "It's the rainclouds, isn't it?" At the mention of her own term for her depression, Sayori sank a little deeper into her chair and Monika could've sworn the saw the girl's knuckles turn white. It was like she was taking off a mask; her eyes suddenly seemed more tired and dull while her posture faltered, her shoulders went limp and any pretenses of being okay were thrown out of the window.
"Yeah." Her voice was hoarse, hardly more than a whisper. Sayori had turned her gaze from the door towards something else, or rather someone else, and Monika followed her line of sight to see their newest club member chatting away with Natsuki beneath the window. Natsuki threw a firm but friendly fist into his shoulder as he pointed out some kind of correlation in the manga they were reading, but the pleased smile on her face was hard to miss. It wasn't everyday Natsuki gave one of those.
"It's like, breathing kinda hurts." Sayori admitted, putting her hand over her chest. "Like there's a weight on top of my chest that just won't go away." Her eyes fell back down to the desk and Monika took another look in Natsuki's direction, as if only just making the connection. She let her mouth gape slightly before giving a solemn nod and turning back to Sayori who seemed to be looking for a way to busy her hands.
Monika solved this for her, sliding her own hand into Sayori's and offering up the most apologetic and comforting smile that she could manage. "It must be so tough, having something like that leering down over you. Actually," She paused, glancing over to make sure Sayori was still listening. "I know exactly what that's like. I've had days where I've struggled with the exact same kind of feelings you're going through right now."
"You have?" Sayori's voice was still soft but tinged with something new: the hope of being understood. Monika nodded solemnly, lying wasn't really a hard skill when you put your heart into your words, and slipping bits of truth into it would only help cement it as fact. She cast another look around the room as if to make sure nobody was listening in before turning back to Sayori. That forlorn look in her eyes told Monika that she had her exactly where she wanted her.
"Yeah, it's not something I'm proud of, but I'd say it's about time I repaid the trust you put into me by putting some into you as well. Come here, let me tell you something..." Monika scooted their desks even closer, and as their eyes met she wondered if Sayori could see everything in her eyes in the same way Monika could see everything in hers. Did Sayori see the apathy and detachment hidden behind the orbs of green? Monika didn't think so, because within the blue she saw many things; she could see hopelessness, pain, inferiority, but above all she saw the one thing she needed to fulfill her plan. She saw trust.
Monika's eyes opened at the sound of a door opening. She was in Yuri's hatchback, and from the look of it they were parked outside of Sayori's house. She blinked away the remnants of her nap and tried to ignore the woozy feeling as she shook her head and rubbed at her eyes. She opened the door just in time to see Sayori reaching for her handle on the other side, a look of surprise etched on her face as Monika stepped out.
"Oh, I thought you were asleep! I was about to wake you up." Sayori said while stepping away from the door. Monika shook her head, but that only seemed to increase the woozy feeling. She turned back and knelt down to give Yuri a friendly wave accompanied by a somewhat sleepy smile.
"Thanks for having me, Yuri. It was really nice to hang out with everyone outside of the clubroom for once." Monika said. Sayori chipped in her agreements from behind while Yuri responded to the both of them with a polite wave and a promise to see them at the festival. Natsuki's only response was a soft grumble, still asleep in the back. With a final wave Yuri pulled away while Monika and Sayori watched from the sidewalk in relative silence. Monika still felt somewhat dizzy, though if it was from her dream or her lack of food she couldn't really tell. Sayori seemed to pick up on this and nudged Monika before motioning for the both of them to head inside.
Monika thought about it for a moment and decided that she'd rather not take the chance. She had already been inside of Sayori's room once today for half an hour with no ill effects, but after her less than pleasant dream in the car and whatever had transpired yesterday she didn't feel like going inside any longer than necessary. Especially when tomorrow she would have to spend at least a portion of the day inside of that room to do their part for the festival preparations, something that she found herself secretly dreading. With Monika having no access to a computer or stationary however, there was little she could do about that.
"Hey, I think I might head on back home actually." Monika turned to Sayori who was already holding open the gate. "I just, I don't know, I'm not feeling the best and if something has to come up I'd rather it be over a bridge than on your bed, ahaha. But uh," She chewed on her words for a minute before settling on a simple thanks. "I really should thank you for convincing me to come out. It was really, well it was several things, but it was mostly fun."
"Oh, yeah of course! I understand. I'm glad you had fun, I uh... I did too!" Sayori assured as Monika gave a farewell wave and turned back towards the street. She had hardly made it to the corner before a call from behind caught her attention, and she turned to see Sayori running down the sidewalk straight towards her. For a horrifying second Monika thought she might crash into her and topple the both of them into traffic, but at the last second Sayori grabbed ahold of the crosswalk pole and twirled around it, using her momentum to land right in front of Monika in what would have been a perfect landing had her knees not buckled.
"Ack! I overdid it!" She croaked, slowly regained her posture as she clutched her knees. "Sorry, that was supposed to be like way cooler looking, ehe. Anyway, uh I wanted to ask if you wanted me to walk you home? I mean, I'm not volunteering tonight or anything, and I know you can walk home just fine! But I'm just kinda..." Sayori seemed to teeter on her words for a second, as if she was carefully picking each one out in her head. "I'm worried about you, Monika."
Sayori was worried for her? It shouldn't have surprised her considering this was Sayori after all, but knowing that she was worried about her of all people still didn't sit right. It felt wrong, unearned even.
And why's that Monika, why does that make you feel so awful? She bit her tongue and forced the leering thought away, she definitely wasn't prepared to deal with intrusive thoughts and dizziness at the same time all while talking to Sayori; she would fight that battle later and in private. All she was missing now was the headache, which if she walked with Sayori she would almost certainly receive. Because a walk meant a talk, and a talk about her problems and feelings was far too ironic considering who was doing the talking. No, she'd had enough of Sayori for one day as fun as that day had been.
"Alright, I'll let you walk me back." Monika replied with a smile. She could just imagine the logical side of her brain giving her a soft tut-tut while the more emotional and idealistic side gave her a comforting cheer. What was it about Sayori that Monika found so hard to say no to? Was it the cheery attitude she always wore that Monika hated to pop? Perhaps it was a small way of thanking her for convincing Monika to come along by entertaining her inquiries and worries.
Perhaps you're attempting to ease your conscience by doing things you don't want to just to make her happy? Monika wanted to tell herself to shut up, to tell the thoughts in her head to mind their own damn business for once. Instead she got Sayori looking at her intently as if she was some kind of jigsaw puzzle. The crosswalk signaled that they were finally allowed to pass. Monika walked, and Sayori followed. The two of them strolled in silence for a minute as she waited for Sayori to say something, but it seemed they had as much on their minds as the other.
They were passing through the park that cut between the neighborhood and the main road now, and as Monika turned to see if Sayori was going to speak once more she saw that the girl seemed to be momentarily lost in thought beyond just the problems of the here and now. She saw the wistful look in her eyes and the way she stared at certain spots more than others. Monika almost wanted to ask if the area held any significance, but she was also enjoying the silence now that it had transpired from awkward to almost comforting. Sayori paused suddenly and skipped over to a vending machine so Monika waited patiently by leaning on a nearby bench, grateful that the rain from the past week had given them all a brief pause.
"Here ya go, got you a little something." Sayori called and tossed a can over to Monika as she returned. Monika snatched the can with reflexes faster than even she had anticipated and turned it over to reveal it to be a can of coffee while Sayori responded with a look of surprise and awe. "Oooh, that was a really good catch! I was kinda worried I'd miss and bust it or something, ehe. Your hand to eye carbonation must be really good!"
"Sure looks that way, I think I used to play tennis- I'm sorry, did you say 'carbonation' over 'coordination'?" She glanced up but saw that Sayori was conveniently drinking from a can of her own and couldn't reply. Monika shook her head at her friend's silliness and popped the top, the warm nutty smell bringing about a feeling of euphoria within her as she took a sip of the drink. It had been so long since she had tasted coffee, and to her surprise the coffee, while not scalding, was quite warm despite coming from what she assumed was a refrigerated vending machine. "It's... actually warm. How did you know I even liked coffee?"
Sayori sat on the bench Monika had leaned on, smacking her lips and saying, "Yeah, it's around that time of year where they start switching out the refrigerated cans for the heated ones. Ooh that means they'll be stocking them with hot-chocolate now too, yay!" She took another sip of her soda and placed it between her legs before looking back up at Monika. "You mentioned you were going to grab one on the way out of the mall, but you never did. And you didn't eat either." Monika could see the crinkle of concern sprout up by her eyes and quickly decided to change the topic before things headed the wrong direction.
"You know I was actually impressed with how you handled Natsuki and Yuri's little spat." Monika commented. "Not only did you get them to back off, but you gave them time to think on it by turning the focus on me with the tempura. I'm uh, sorry about not eating it. Vegetarian and all." She gave her friend a sheepish smile but Sayori waved the apology aside.
"No no, it's okay. I didn't realize you didn't eat meat otherwise I... well, in any case you actually ended up helping me make up for getting Nat soaked by giving her the food so I'd say we're even there. And here I thought you didn't want the tempura because you were being shellfish." Sayori's smile reached from ear to ear and she gave Monika a smug look.
"I don't like to brag about it or anything, people who do that- oh my god." Monika's hand was brought up to her temple as she closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Pun humor. Of all the different forms of wit and wordplay that we as a species have perfected over the millennia, you would choose puns wouldn't you?"
Sayori gave Monika a small shove and giggled. "Don't bully me! I'll have you know puns are just as funny as any of your sophisticated mumbo-jumbo, and knock-knock jokes too, cause those always make me laugh!" Sayori sighed and threw both of her arms over the back of the bench, tilting her head to gaze up at the cloudy afternoon sky while Monika sipped her coffee contentedly. The quiet didn't last as long as Monika hoped however. "You know, you and Natsuki are a lot alike. More than I think either of you realize."
"Me and Natsuki?" Monika snorted. "Alright, I'm curious enough to bite. How so?"
"Well," Sayori began. "You both have a lot of stuff going on that I don't think anyone else really pays attention to, but you both start acting certain ways whenever you're bothered by something. Take Natsuki, she's totally got a tell for whenever something's bothering her because her cheeks start to get all red and she gets super defensive. You don't do that specifically, but I think your tell is that you go real quiet and you sorta, I dunno, it's like you zone out." Had Monika really been that obvious, or was Sayori only just now noticing it? Had the others caught on as well? "But the way I think you guys are most alike is you don't let anyone else in whenever something's wrong."
"And you don't?" Monika asked, keeping her tone even. Sayori only shook her head.
"No, I'm very guilty of shutting others out from my problems." She admitted. "And to be fair, I did already tell you about what was bothering me yesterday. But that's how I've always dealt with things, because telling other people about my issues makes me feel really selfish. I mean our society kinda hones in at an early age not to be a nuisance with others and my parents raised me no different; I just don't like being a burden." She looked off momentarily in thought and Monika could tell that despite her efforts the conversation was about to take a serious turn she had hoped to avoid. "But you're not like that, not normally. Ever since you came back to school Wednesday you just seem so... so different."
This wasn't going well. Monika began attempting to wrap the conversation up, unconsciously reaching down and fingering the orange ribbon in her pocket. "I appreciate the sentiment, but honestly I'm fine-"
"No, Monika! No you are not!" Sayori asserted with fists balled tight. Her stern tone caught Monika off guard; this wasn't a Sayori she was used to seeing often. If ever. "You're acting really weird and I'm worried about you. Everyone is worried, but Natsuki's too proud to admit she's concerned and Yuri's way too shy to say anything! You're not eating, you're really testy about things, and you have this far off look in your eye like you're not fully there." The concern in Sayori's voice made her wince, but she didn't like that Sayori was cornering her now. Hadn't they had such a good day? Why couldn't she just mind her own business and let the day end on a high note? Monika sighed, she knew there was no easy escape this time.
"I'm sort of homeless, Sayori." It was hard to keep the snark from her tone, her frustration seemed to bubble from deep within a container that she had been holding down for a while now. She didn't want to snap at her friend, not after the day they had had, she just wanted to go home. "I really appreciate everything you've done for me these past few days, but that doesn't make you beholden to an explanation for my personal issues."
"I'm not saying you owe me anything, I'm trying to tell you that I care about you and seeing you try and shrug it off is really hurting me because I know what that's like." Sayori pleaded. "You can't tell me that you having some kind of panic attack in my room yesterday was normal for you, or how exhausted you are? You have bags under your eyes, Moni! I might be able to chalk that up to the bunks at the shelter if you hadn't been whimpering and scratching at your neck while you were asleep in the car- look! You can still see the marks! Did you even know you were doing that?"
Had she really been scratching her neck? Monika put a hand up to her throat, and sure enough a slight burning emitted from the fresh scratches that ran up beside her jugular. That's not good, dammit this is really the last thing I need. I need to get away, I need to leave.. Monika lowered her hand and stood from where she had been leaning, and to her annoyance Sayori stood as well clearly, intending to not let Monika get away.
"This is why I told you at the mall that I'm not your problem, I knew you'd try and do something about it. Just leave it be, it's nothing you can help with and nothing you really need to be concerned with. Don't you have enough problems without adding me to that list?" Monika shot back, but Sayori didn't back down. Just leave me alone before I snap at you, please!
"Oh, so it's okay when you come visit me after school because you're worried, but me trying to find out if you got hurt or if you're in some kind of danger is off the table?" Sayori followed Monika even as she began to walk down the park's pathway, garnering several stares as their voices attracted the attention of others. "I'm not trying to invade your privacy, I'm really not! I don't know if you got kicked out or if you lost someone but I-" Sayori paused and Monika could see out of the corner of her eye she was biting her tongue as if weighing her next words carefully. "I heard about the amnesia, alright? I may not be a doctor or an expert about how that stuff works, I know it doesn't show up out of the blue, Monika."
Monika wanted to turn and say something to deny her accusation, but she couldn't bring herself to. Something had happened to her after all, but how did one even go about explaining the events that she had experienced? What she had done? They didn't, that's how. There was no explaining what had happened in the literature club, nobody would ever know or understand what she had been subjected to and she would not permit an alternative. Before Monika could make up an excuse as to her erratic behavior though, Sayori spoke again.
"I don't want to see you going hungry and having to sleep out in the cold whenever you can't make it to Helping-Hands. Let me help you somehow, you can... you can come stay with me for a little while even! My parents are super traditional so they love being all generous to the less fortunate so the Gods will look on them favorably and stuff, they'd love to have you!" That desperate look in those eyes of blue, where had she seen it before? "Just please, please Monika. Let me help you, if only a little."
Monika wasn't sure what part of Sayori's plea had caught her ire. It might have been her hearing about her supposed amnesia, or the offer to house her in the place that made her see memories she wasn't allowed to forget. Or perhaps it was the fact that Sayori of all people, Sayori Moriyama, thought she needed her pity when in reality it should've been the other way around. Monika stopped her stride and with her fists clenched turned to meet Sayori face to face. She wasn't even aware that she had tears forming in her eyes until they began to cloud her vision, but they didn't matter. It was time to nip this in the bud for good.
"Fine, fine we'll talk about my problems." Monika said as her breath became more staggered. "I'm not eating because I'm homeless, and I spent the last of my yen playing that dancing game with you which was pretty much me spitting on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I'm testy because, again, I'm homeless and have to pretend I'm not because I'm Monika, the star student and class representative. You said I had a- what was it a million-mile stare going or something? If you guessed the answer was me being homeless, you'd be wrong actually. I'm pretty sure my body and mind are actually trying to kill the other because ironically its the things I can't forget that are making my life hell every time I wake up!" Sayori's mouth had gaped at Monika's outburst, but she wasn't done by a long shot. This had been a long time coming after all, she'd earned a little venting.
"I-I didn't- I don't-"
"I don't know my last name, Sayori." Monika hissed. "Because apparently I've been through the adoption and foster care systems so many times that I never got to nail one down, and the best part is I can't even remember why. All I get are vague memories of people and places from everything before, like trying to recall dreams a month after you've had them. The only thing I have that's absolutely clear is the literature club, of all the things I could remember, and even those memories are tainted worse than Natsuki's god awful home-life."
"Monika!" Sayori gasped. Her hand rose up to her mouth but Monika would not stop. She wasn't sure she could have if she wanted to, which at this point she most certainly didn't. Or did she?
Reel in your inner-Natsuki Monika, you've done enough damage.
"Nope, not done yet. So here I am, having to pretend to still be the same old clever and charismatic Monika you all remember, but you can't even let me have that can you? Instead I get a depressed genki-girl wannabe who is so hellbent on distracting herself from the fact that the worst thing in her life is that her friends actually care about her, and that she got rejected, that she has to follow me around and try to make my life better because she can't be bothered to try fixing her own!" A part of her knew she was going to regret every word she said as soon as she calmed down, but in the moment it just felt so cathartic to abandon all pretenses of pretending to be oblivious to things because of social protocol. A weak chuckle escaped her lips, hollow and dry as she wiped away some of the tears.
"Well guess what, your problems aren't worth the paper you write about them on. And you were wrong, by the way. I didn't come by to check on you, I just wanted my phone back." Stop it dammit, you're going way too far! "So if there was any notions you still had about whether I need, or... or if I deserve your pity. Well, there you go." Stop it, stop it, stop it! Monika crushed the coffee can as she turned back around, chucking it into a lone recycling bin as she continued her walk. She didn't dare look back at Sayori, to see the broken and crying form of her friend. Her vice president. She knew if she listened to the muffled sobs sounding from behind her or if she dared to stop then the crushing weight of what she had said would hit her like a sack of bricks and take her out. She couldn't let that happen, she had to keep going until she was safe.
Monika walked as stoically as she could, forcing one foot after another. Her mind was like a swarm of buzzing insects that clouded her from thinking about what had happened rationally. No wonder Natsuki shot her mouth off so often, it felt so good to just let everything loose and scream her problems out at things that bothered her. It wasn't like it really mattered that she had gone off after all, she had essentially insulted a computer program so it was okay right? That's why it didn't bother her at all that she could still hear Sayori's heartbroken sobs in her head even though she was long past the park now. The Helping-Hands shelter was right there down the street, she could finally go home like she had wanted. So why did everything feel so wrong?
Monika hopped up the steps and went to pull the door open, but the double glass doors remained locked. Why were they locked? How was she supposed to distract herself from what she had done if they were locked? The afternoon sun shone down through wispy clouds and gently warmed Monika's sweater, and it was then Monika checked her phone to see that it was hardly even 3:00 yet, which meant that the shelter wouldn't be open for several more hours. Why had she been so determined to get back to the shelter anyway, this wasn't her home. She had no home, and had just ruined any chance of having one. Monika suddenly took a step back, and then another as she gazed up at the building. Then without a single thought in the matter she ran, she turned from the building and ran as hard as she could down the sidewalk as her tear-ducts started to go into overdrive. The insects, the unfiltered emotions that acted as a deterrent to realization of what she had done, were leaving.
What the actual hell is wrong with you?! She had yelled at Sayori, Sayori of all people. Sayori who had taken her phone and fixed it, Sayori who had given her clothes so that she could come out to the mall. She had yelled at Sayori wearing Sayori's own clothes, Monika was pretty sure there was a special place in hell for people who did something like that. Her shoes slapped against the pavement so hard she wouldn't have been surprised if her feet would be sore afterwards, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything at that moment except for maybe the churning in her stomach, and it was then she knew she had to get somewhere out of sight for what was going to come next.
That was the second time she had left Sayori behind on the verge of tears for the sole reason that she was too selfish to accept her help. Why had she been so mad? Where was she? She wasn't at the park yet, not that she wanted to go back there anyway, instead she was by a set of woods that seemed to separate the main road from a gated neighborhood that she could see through the gaps in the branches.
Monika bolted into the grass, the churning was becoming more of a burning now. How stupid could she really be? Sayori was the first person in the entire world to show an interest in helping her and she hadn't just spat in her face, she had kicked her while she was already down. She had told someone who was supposed to be her friend, someone who she knew damn well had depression, that she essentially didn't care about her. The image of her friend's heartbroken and horrified face kept returning to her mind. But it's okay, it's okay she's just an AI. She's just an AI, she's not real she's not real you're not real-
Monika felt her throat burn like hellfire as a brown sludge suddenly spewed from her mouth and into the mud. She had fallen to her knees, leaning over into a creek within the woods and the smell of coffee and stomach acid was urging her for another case of retching. She hacked and coughed, dry heaving with her face over the muddy water as the last drops of vomit dribbled from her lips. Her eyes had clouded again with tears, though if it was from the pain of puking or from what she had said, she couldn't tell. She laid there for a few minutes in an attempt to empty her stomach of any other bile, but she knew nothing else would arise. There wasn't anything in her stomach to spit up.
Eventually she rose from the creek's edge, standing on wobbly legs that she soon realized wouldn't support her for nearly as long as she wanted. She resigned to sitting against a tree not too far from the creek, it wasn't as if she had anywhere to go for the next few hours after all. The tears had returned and small silent sobs and spasms rocked her body, and no matter how hard she tried to get herself to stop her body simply refused. The buzzing in her head had left but now a new kind of swirling consumed her thoughts, the overwhelming swirl of guilt. She needed to focus, she needed to keep herself grounded and relaxed before she ended up accidentally injuring herself. With a weak sputter from her lips, she tried to focus her thoughts into a narrow cohesive line but there was too many. So she split them into two lines, two separate lines that would make sense, but she really didn't want to deal with a certain side of them.
"God, why didn't she just let me go? Everything – hic – everything was fine u-until she..." She couldn't even finish the sentence out loud. She didn't have to however, her thoughts kept the conversation alive and going.
Until she what, Monika? Until she tried to help you? The Monika that was leaning over her was livid, tapping it's foot with crossed arms and a nasty glint staring from its bright blue eyes. This was the exact side of her she didn't want to see: empathy, the emotional side, the Sayori side, whatever she called it she wanted it to leave and to leave now. The worst thing she did is care too much, bet she won't make that mistake again. You're the one who always ruins things, not Sayori. You ruined the day, you ruined your friendship with her, you ruined the entire club. You, you, you!
"But I didn't!" Monika wailed. She was talking to herself now, actively talking to nobody but her thoughts. If she hadn't been convinced she was insane before, this little episode made it about as simple as a coloring book. A memory from what seemed like so long ago came to mind, standing in the clubroom with her hands behind her back and smiling so sweetly. What had she said? "To put it lightly, I at least have it together in the head... and I know how to treat my club members." Well so much for either of those assurances.
Monika's vision was becoming blurry, but it wasn't just because of the tears now. Her breathing was becoming short and shallow and it was like the world around her was caving in and waiting to crush her. She needed her crutch, she needed to look at things from a rational and logical point of view. She needed to imagine another set of shoes just like hers walking in the grass and sliding down the tree beside her to block out all the things the other side of her head was telling her. Everything was going to be fine now.
It's possible you're doing this because you believe it to be some kind of sick justice, the logical Monika told her. You know you don't deserve the kindness and the generosity she's showing you and so you're taking out all of your fears and insecurities on her so that she'll hate you. This wasn't what she needed either, she didn't want to hear anything any part of her head had to tell her anymore as each thought made her heart break further and further. But she couldn't run physically or mentally, not from herself. There was nothing to distract her here, not even the pain in her throat was severe enough to block what her conscience was dishing out to her right now.
"No, no no no it was an accident. S-she was only supposed to become more depressed." Monika whispered as she clenched her eyes shut. She reached up and pulled her hair, stomping her feet against the dirt as a cry rose in her chest, but there was no stopping her thoughts.
And how did you feel after the "accident"? You didn't feel, and you didn't care. You killed her. You killed your best friend and your guilt is making sure you never forget that. That's why seeing her is so uncomfortable, that's why you're here right now. Because you're a murderer. Monika almost wished her empathetic side had said it, screaming at herself would have been so much preferable to just hearing the cold uncaring truth in the matter. The truth that she just couldn't outrun.
"B-but she's-shes... she's just a character, she's not r-real." Monika sobbed, her cries growing louder as she completely broke down against the tree. It was her last defense, a fact she had relied on time and time again to justify and rationalize her actions and feelings. It was all she had.
Then why are you crying? But Monika couldn't even formulate a response to herself vocally or mentally, her head went limp as she gripped her hair between her fingers and silently begged whatever sick creator had deemed her fit to exist again to issue a refund swiftly and mercifully. As she wept against the tree, alone and afraid, she realized she wasn't even sure which side of her had asked the question.
A.N: This chapter was admittedly a struggle to write. And yet somehow I think it was also the quickest one I've written? Not sure how to figure that one, I think I just wanted to beat it since it was giving me such a hard time. I feel like the pacing was really rough to be honest. Imagine writing 10,000 words per chapter and still somehow rushing things. I also worry about the ending seeming so sudden, but I wanted to portray that horrible gut wrenching state of emotion things like that can bring someone to. Being dumped, losing a loved one, those kinds of emotional sucker punches that lay you out and leave you sobbing and begging for someone to fix it, but there's nothing you can do but sit there and cry. You know the ones. They always seem to show up out of the blue, on a normal day where things seem to be going great and then wham. Anyway, I'll let you all decide how well I did. Look forward to Chapter Six and thanks for reading, as always make sure to take care of yourselves.