There was only another week before her summer break ended.

After the last Angel was defeated, I noticed Asuka was starting to hang out with her class rep, Hikari, every few days. It was nice seeing that she was interested in making a friend. However, it also left me with more and more time alone in my apartment, something I couldn't quite stomach anymore. My head had been like a hamster in a wheel since that night; constantly running, but never making progress. The only time I could let my thoughts rest were times when I had something to keep me busy, which were times few and far between as of late.

Eventually, I found myself on the elevator going down to the NERV HQ. I had walked from my apartment, down the same path I took on my first day, hoping the fresh afternoon air would help me. It didn't, or at least, it didn't feel like it did. Recently, I had only really come to the HQ for Angel alerts, and the odd day of overseeing combat training with Asuka (which was only for an hour each time, tops). I missed the lower floors of the facility, running tests on the Evangelion's operating systems. A lot of it was busy work, just checking and rechecking, but now I thought I may actually need it to function right now, if I was going to stay like this. Anything to keep me out of my own head…

Maybe I was just a coward, running away from the things deep inside I refuse to face still, but I guess I've always been that person, haven't I. If I just keep my head down and do my job, it'll all work out. Words I had once kept close to my heart as a safeguard against reality were now a plague, sickening me every time my brain reflexively spits it out for me to hear.

Yet, right now, working may be my solace. What a cruel twist. I hate this feeling.

...do I hate myself, too?

The elevator to the HQ made a ding. I pushed my thoughts out of my head and exited, just focusing on listening to my boots clack sharply on the hallway flooring, looking for Dr. Akagi's office.

"Come in." Her voice called shortly after my first knock. The door slid open, and the blonde woman turned in her chair to look at me, a smoke hanging on her lips. Her face grew into a somewhat surprised look. "Lieutenant Hatsuyuki? I wasn't notified of you having a shift today. What can I help you with?"

I hesitated. She raised an eyebrow. I swallowed hard. "Um…" Was I really so useless I couldn't even ask for this? "I just... I mean, if there's anything… for me to do, I'd like to work. Please."

Dr. Akagi kept staring at me, clearly realizing something was off. "...Lieutenant, did anything happen to-"

"No!" I blurted out suddenly, almost scaring myself. I took a deep breath in, before speaking as softly as I could. "I just wanted to know if there was any work for me here."

She folded her arms. "Why?"

My eyes darted around the room. I didn't want to tell her my reason. Who would, like this?

Stepping up from her chair, her hands slid into her pockets, the smoke between her lips rolling to the other corner. She let a puff of smoke exit through her nose as she sighed. "There's something wrong with you right now, isn't there?"

"...no, I just want to work." I clenched my fists, starting to feel agitated. "What's wrong with that?"

Dr. Akagi took her smoke and walked to the ashtray on her desk, crushing it into the remains of past cigarettes. "If you want to work, you can work, I have things that need doing. But, that's work other technicians can handle. You were given a job that supersedes any obligations you have towards the Evangelion's R&D." She turned towards me, her face stern. "So you have to understand why I'm concerned that you're here asking for work. You should be up there, in the city, doing that job instead!"

My voice lowers to a whisper. "She's with a friend of hers for the day. I just hate being alone right now, so I want work to do, to keep me busy."

Her face loosens up a bit. "...so you're here because you're lonely?"

"I'm not lonely." I wasn't. I had never been bothered by being alone before. It's just that, right now, I don't like the noise in my head, and I want something to focus on to dull it. It's not a big deal.

She was silent as I grew more and more distressed.

"If you're lonely, then make friends."

"I'm not lonely."

"If you're not lonely, then why do you hate being alone right now?"

"Because…" I hesitated again, but I could feel the words boiling in my throat. I swallowed them down and shook my head. "...do you have work for me, or not?"

"...not for you, no."

I turned around, walking out of the room and starting down the hall. Dr. Akagi came out of her office as well. "Look, Hatsuyuki, I'm not a therapist. I don't really know what to tell you specifically, but you need to talk to someone. Someone you trust. Someone close to you. Your sister, or another family member. It doesn't matter. If you have a problem, bottling it inside is just going to make it worse…" She trailed off. We stood awkwardly in the hall for a short while. I thought about what she said.

"...call me when you have work for me, please." I heard her sigh loudly as I trotted down the hall. The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside. As the lights flickered by the windows of the lift, I played Dr. Akagi's words in my head over and over.

It couldn't be that simple. Talk to someone? Like family? Like my sister? Why would I ever call her? She hasn't bothered to call me since I arrived here. What good would her words do me? She never cared about what I had to say, anyway. We were never close. She doesn't need me calling just to tell her, what, that I'm lonely? That I'm sad? What an asshole I'd be. She'd probably laugh…

I ran my hand over my face.

Why didn't I drive here? Why did I walk all the way to these elevators? The sun was already setting by the time I reached the surface. I sighed deeply and began my trek back to the apartment complex. Luckily, I had left the door unlocked, in case Asuka got home before I did, which was still reckless of me. I didn't even really know why I decided to try and come here anyway. What was my plan, to work all night and let Asuka starve, had Dr. Akagi given me the chance? No wonder she wouldn't give me anything to do.

I opened the door to the apartment. Asuka was sitting on the couch, playing her handheld game, the TV blaring some live-action show loudly.

"Oh, hey." She said, not even looking up from her activity. "So, where'd you go? Don't you know leaving the door unlocked is crazy stupid?"

I didn't say anything.

She laid the game down beside her as I took my coat off.

"...you've been acting strange for a little while now. What's up with you?" Her questioning glare was trying to tear through me.

Luckily, I was able to answer without missing a beat. I gave a quick smile. "It's nothing, just a minor problem I had to deal with at the HQ. They called me in out of the blue, so the door not being locked was just a mistake on my part. I apologize."

Asuka's glare didn't let up. "Uh huh, sure, but I wasn't just talking about right now, buddy. What's been up with you for the past week? I mean, you're usually kinda strange, being all to yourself and stuff, but now you're just freaking me out!" She stood up. "...is it my fault for messing up so much during the Angel training? Are you mad at me, or something?" Her hands clenched a bit, preparing for an answer.

I was taken aback by this. "Wha- No, Asuka. It's not about you. It's…" I sighed. "...I guess it's about me."

"...are you sick?"

I chuckled nervously. "Yeah, something like that."

She crossed her arms. "Well, no wonder you're sick. All you do is stay inside! So, come on!" She walked over to me, grabbing my coat up from the chair where I left it, and shoved it into my chest. "Take me out somewhere! I don't care where! I get sick of being cooped up too, you know."

It forced a small smile out of me. Maybe it would do me some good to get out.

"...where do you want to go?"

She put her hands on her hips and barked at me. "Ugh, I just said I don't care. Driver's choice, or whatever. Make a decision." I thought about what suitable places there were around the city, at evening time, for a 14 year old. It didn't take long before one option stood out.

"...there's a movie theatre downtown. I don't know what they're playing, but that could be part of the fun."

"Then we'll go there! See how easy that was?" A tad condescending, but her genuine smile was infectious.

We picked up our things and walked down to the lot, this time making sure to lock the apartment door behind us. This would take my mind off of things, so I was actually… kinda looking forward to it.

"Well, popcorn is a must, but if the movie is a drag, I'm going to need a lot more snacks to keep me busy, okay? So get lots just in case." The small redhead lectured me as we entered the building. There weren't that many people there, so it should be easy to get seats, at least. "...are you listening, Lieutenant? This is important."

"Uh, yeah, lots of snacks. Gotcha." I paid for two tickets. The movie being shown tonight seemed to be a romance called "A Prelude of Love". I awkwardly scratched the back of my head. Asuka looked at the tickets in my hand.

"Ugh, Liebesfilm. Why couldn't it be something with action?" She groaned loudly, causing some people around her to stare. I hurried her along to the theatre entrance and handed her one of the tickets.

"You head on in and find us seats, I'll go grab your snacks." She gave me a look before going seat hunting.

Eventually, I slowly entered the aisle of seats where Asuka was sitting. Of course she chose a spot near the front, making me walk more, balancing her goodies and a single drink of my own in my hands. As soon as I sat down, she reached into the small mountain, grabbing popcorn and chocolates. "Oooh, good choices, Lieutenant!~" She happily munched as the lights began to dim. "Too bad this movie's probably gonna be a yawn-fest though."

I gave a soft laugh during the opening credits.

Soon, however, my smile would fade. As the movie began, my blood ran cold.

Frozen to my seat by the movie's setting. My heartbeat quickened. My mouth dried out. Weakness hit my body like a truck. My eyes started to water.

The nuclear bomb. The very same one that hit Tokyo 15 years ago. The movie was using its panic, its terror, to set up the stories of its main characters. Hearing the sirens again made my heart ache, my stomach ache, my head ache, but I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I was forced to feel the hot tears stream down my face as the horror I lived was being replayed to me. It only lasted long enough on screen to present context for the protagonists lives, 10 minutes at the most, and yet, I couldn't move past it. It was all so vivid.

I remembered everything as clear as the day it happened. I could still smell the smells, and see the ravaged remains of my city, its life extinguished in an instant, taking father, mother, and Tatsumi with it. I was there again. I was watching that hell unfold. The droves of people, clamoring for the bunker gates to allow them in, climbing over each other in panic and desperation, and my father, forcing his way to the front with me and Suzue on his shoulders, pleading for the soldiers to take us. The sound of one of the soldiers recognizing my father and lifting us both up himself. I remember calling out to father, calling out to mother, screaming until my throat was raw for Tatsumi. But there was no time. My father smiled. The gates closed.

After a little while, a tremor that felt like it was shaking even the planet's soul rang out, sounding even down to the depths of the earth where we sat. Suzue cried, people stared, and I was lost.

The two protagonists kissed deeply as the screen faded to black, followed by a soft ballad by an assuredly popular singer. I couldn't tell you what happened during that movie. I was just numb. Asuka stretched and yawned. "Yup, that's pretty much what I expected. The lead actress was decent, but the guy was an absolute doofus." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn to me. "...I didn't take you for a sap, Lieutenant." She stared for a few moments. I couldn't turn to look at her.

"...we should leave."

She stood up, stretching again. "Well, duh. I really don't want to stick around for the encore of that."

Encore…

I stood up quickly, and I didn't stop walking until I was in the car. Asuka roughly opened the passenger door and sat in. My hands gripped the wheel tightly.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I know the movie was lame, but you're acting like it was out to get you…"

Desperately, I tried to slow my breathing, laying my head on the steering wheel. I had to calm down, but all I could see was that picture. Tokyo in ashes. My sister's screeches rang in my ears. Asuka's hand touched my shoulder and I reflexively slapped it away. The most awful feeling in the world spread through my body like poison, as she looked into my eyes, wounded.

We stared at each other for what felt like an hour. Slowly, I looked back towards the wheel. I turned the car's ignition. We drove without speaking. I parked in the complex's lot. We rode the elevator in silence. I unlocked the door and we both walked in, our boots clattering in a pile. Asuka shut and locked the door while I dragged my feet to the kitchen counter. Finding it difficult to keep my balance, I laid my head in my arms on the smooth, cold countertop.

She walked past me towards the den, but she stopped just before entering. Keeping her back to me, she spoke shaky words, but the sharpness of them cut into me with ease.

"You're pathetic."

I opened my eyes wide, my head scrambling to find some way to respond, but I couldn't. I just looked up at her. She spun around.

"Didn't you just tell me that trusting my teammates was the most important lesson!? That understanding each other is the key!? You didn't listen to your own words at all, did you!?" She growled at me, but her expression wasn't exactly angry. She gave me a look of utter disappointment. I had messed up again. "When you said that to me, I thought you were full of it… but it really did help. Not with stupid Shinji as much, just that I felt like I… like I could trust you…"

I whispered. "I'm sorry." She didn't hear me.

"I thought after that, things were going to change. That you were going to start talking to me more, or something." She turned back towards the den, shaking. "...but you're no different than any other stupid adult. Only worrying about yourself, unless it benefits you..."

"I'm sorry." I spoke louder this time. It was all I could say right now. My head was still in a fuzz. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I watched as she looked over her shoulder at me. I couldn't hold back my tears right now. I had blundered everything. I made Asuka angry again. I failed my job. I was pathetic, she was right. Now, I couldn't do much of anything to defend myself, I couldn't even make excuses like I had before. It was all crashing in front of me. What was it all for? This waste of an existence. Why did I get to live while Tatsumi died? While my parents died? My knees failed me and I slid down the counterface, onto the kitchen floor.

Again, those sobless tears streamed down my face, burning paths to my chin. This was the result of all my decisions, the depressing climax to my worthless story. I couldn't apologize to Asuka enough for putting on this display in front of her, or for bringing her down with me.

I excessively repeated my stream of empty apologies into the floor, my forehead meeting the paneling. Asuka stayed standing there, watching me, for the longest time, but eventually, she walked away to her room. I couldn't blame her. Who would bother wasting time on a useless adult like me?

I curled into a ball. It was exhausting to keep running around my own head. I just wanted to sleep, or die, or something, but my brain wouldn't shut up. I wanted to put this behind me, like I always did, but my stupid head wouldn't let me. Why? All I want is to go back to the way things were, to drown in that apathy again, the bliss of leading a life on rails! I couldn't even say that I tried, could I? Did I ever make an attempt to change? Any honest attempts? Was there any point in even thinking about it now? My sister hated me, Asuka hated me, I hated me…

Who would care about you as you are right now, anyway? You're destroying your own perception of yourself with your broken outlook, and the only road that'll lead you down is one that ends up exactly where you started with this sad, lonely, pitiable life! I clenched my teeth as I listened to that voice in my head. The same one that told me I was lonely those months ago. But where did it all go wrong? Where was it? How could I get rid of it? Where were my answers?

Dr. Akagi's advice entered my mind again.

"You need to talk to someone. Someone you trust. Someone close to you."
"If you have a problem, bottling it inside is just going to make it worse…"

I lay still on the floor, my eyes dry and aching, and I scoffed. What good would that do me now? There's no one who'd listen to me anyway. I messed everything up.

I guess it didn't matter. None of it mattered.

The floor was the only place fit for me now.