For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

6. Jumper

Chapter 6: Jumper

A chapter where falling is the only way to rise again.

---

"I had... I had no idea, oh Monika I'm so sorry." Sayori looked so troubled by Monika's confession that she might've thought it genuine if she didn't know better. But she did know better, in more ways than one. Monika just shook her head and smiled as reassuringly as she could.

"That's very kind of you, but you don't need to be. I haven't wanted to do anything drastic in a long time, and besides, this isn't about me. This is about you." She gave Sayori's hand a reassuring squeeze and leaned back in her desk, giving Sayori the view of their newest member and Natsuki sitting beside each other under the window. "I just wanted you to know that other people feel that way too. I've been through it all, I've stood on sidewalks and stared at the traffic and thought just how... how easy it would be to just take a step the next time a semi drove by. Or going into my foster father's shed and grabbing a rope and just- hurk! Kinda messed up, you know?"

Sayori looked a little mortified at her friend's admission, but there was also recognition on her face as well. Painful recognition. "Yeah, I... I know exactly what you mean." She squeezed Monika's hand tightly, but her gaze was focused somewhere else. Somewhere behind Monika. "I just don't... I-I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep feeling this way, it isn't fair to him or a-anyone else. I want to tell him, about my depression and how I feel but..." She lowered her head again and Monika could tell by the way she clenched her eyes shut that she was trying to fight back tears, a sight that was all too familiar for the literature club president.

"Oh Sayori," Monika said as she brought her free hand up to rub her friend's back soothingly. "I know it hurts, trust me I do. And what I'm going to tell you is going to hurt too, and I hope you'll forgive me for not being able to give you some... fairytale solution, but after all you've been through I don't think sugarcoating or trying to gloss over the truth will do anything other than hurt you in the long run." She slowed the pace of her rubbing, keeping her voice level and empathetic for Sayori. Like a mother caressing a child instead of a spider spinning its web. "People like me and you, we... we're not meant for those happily ever afters, you know? We're like teacups with holes in the bottom, if that makes sense."

"Uh... kinda? How do you figure?" Sayori asked, her tone still melancholy.

Monika pretended to think on the matter for a moment by looking up towards the ceiling thoughtfully. "Well, as teacups we're beautiful to look at. Truly beautiful," At this she gave Sayori a comforting smile and brushed away a lone tear she saw dripping down her cheek. "But no matter how beautiful we are, inside we have things that can't really be fixed. People pour things into us expecting a hot cup of tea to comfort them, but all we do is spill it on their lap. No matter how hard they try, all we do is disappoint them, unable to truly be what they want from us. Eventually, they realize that there's other teacups out there, ones that don't ruin everything and make a mess... and they wonder why they would bother with something that can't even fulfill such a simple purpose." Her hand stopped rubbing Sayori's back for a moment as they both took in her words, and when Sayori looked up at her Monika could see that the girl's eyes teemed with tears.

"B-but, what if they're willing to deal with a broken teacup?" She asked to which Monika gave her a sad, almost wistful smile as she shook her head. Sayori's words were a glimmer of hope that shone like a lantern in a sea of stars, and Monika's were the chilling winter wind.

"Oh they are, they always are at first. But, they don't ever understand it like we do. They see us as something to fix, something that their love will fill and seal over time until everything is all better. But then we don't get better, and that love falls through the hole just like the tea." Monika explained. "We're just... burdens, if anything. Keeping people on their toes and taking what we'll only end up wasting. Oxygen, food, effort, you name it." The two of them looked over towards Natsuki who had long since stopped reading her manga, instead she was completely fixated on the person sitting beside her. Even from their distance they could both plainly see the sparks of fascination that swirled in those taffy colored eyes. "Even love. We don't really deserve to take those things away from people, it just turns us into the worst aspect someone like me or you could be."

Sayori's hand shook in hers and when Monika looked back she saw that the girl had her other hand over her eyes, short silent sobs wracking her form. Her lips parted and on a staggered breath came a single word. "S-s-selfish." It wasn't a question. Monika pulled her hand from Sayori's and instead wrapped her arms around her, embracing her friend in a tight hug as she patted her back and whispered soft condolences and reassurances. All of them empty, all of them weaves in the spider's web. After a few moments her sobs softened into silence and she slowly but surely regained her posture and lifted herself out of Monika's arms. "I-I need uh... I think it'd be best if I go home for the day, if that's okay. Thank you, Monika. You've always listened and told me what I need to hear, so... thank you, again." Her thanks came out as a mere whisper and Monika helped her friend stand from the desk.

"Always, Sayori. That's what friends are for. You go home and just... take care of yourself, alright?" She gave Sayori a quick hug and a comforting smile that her friend returned and slowly made her way off towards the door. Before she reached the classroom exit she turned back to Monika with a question evident on her lips, though she seemed to struggle with finding the right words.

Finally she seemed to gather her thoughts and she met Monika's eyes. "Does... does it get any better?" For whatever reason Monika felt her heart stop as she considered the question, trying to deem which answer would best suit her purpose. Neither one seemed to help or hinder more than the other, and eventually she decided to give her own answer; lies were always more believable with sprinkles of truth after all. Everybody else was too focused on their private reading to even notice the two of them, and so she felt no need to whisper as she spoke.

"I'm still waiting to find out." Monika felt something streak down cheek and quickly brushed it away with her sleeve, but she knew Sayori had caught it. The girl gave her a sad but understanding smile before closing the door behind her with a soft thunk. Monika let out a breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding, and shook her head. This wasn't the time for sentimentality, this was the time for action. She had a lot to prepare for if she wanted them to make it to the festival after all.

---

Monika's eyes opened to the soft tone of a hip-hop beat resonating from her phone. She grumbled and made a blind swipe at where it sat beside her cot, only to have her fingers smack against stone cold cement instead. Her grumbling turned to a sharp whine as she brought her hand back and tried to shake the pain away with little effect. One successful attempt to hit the snooze button later her phone lay silent and she followed suit, turning to look up at the shelter's fluorescent lighting as she tried to regain the warm embrace of sleep. It didn't come though, between her dream and smacking her hand against the floor her mind had already shaken off the haze that came with awakening and was now firing up for the day ahead.

Some people get dreams about funny situations or crazy adventures, wonder what that feels like? With a sigh Monika rubbed at her neck and flinched at the tingling burn that came, pulling her fingers back with a sharp hiss. More scratches, more bad dreams. Monika shook her head and unfolded her uniform while trying to prepare for the day to come. She should've been excited, the day of the festival was finally upon her and for the first time she would get to experience a day that she had never tread upon in what felt like forever. Even when trying to fall asleep for the night she couldn't help but fantasize about all the people who would see her club and consider throwing their hat in the literary ring. But as she emptied her pants pockets to store in her school bag and pulled from it a long orange ribbon, she remembered why her excitement had waned.

Monika had spent the rest of her Saturday in the park until evening came, unable to bring herself to leave as she recovered from her intruding thoughts in her own time. She had spent most of that time thinking, admittedly most of it had been overthinking on her part, but it was thinking nonetheless. Despite all the time she spent considering her actions and what to do, she hadn't come up with a way to apologize to Sayori. She wasn't even sure if the girl would still want to work on the festival together, but when she had somewhat awkwardly texted Sayori the next day about making pamphlets that would give a list of each poem and its reciter, Sayori had responded positively. Too positively. Monika had tentatively made her way over to the Moriyama household where Sayori had politely welcomed her inside and the two worked on the pamphlets at her laptop.

It had been quiet, by the book, and so agonizingly forced that Monika was almost glad when they finished and Sayori had told Monika she was going to take a nap, essentially kicking her out. Monika didn't blame her. She had managed to simmer down her thoughts and wrangle them together, but to say she was certain of any of them was a gross overstatement. Tying her hair up with her new ribbon she stepped out into the crisp October air as she tried to focus on the bright side of things, but her words from Saturday seemed to drown out any hopes or expectations for the festival and her walk to school was riddled with doubts and questions.

Something that cheered Monika up if only slightly was the lack of classes during the culture festival. To help give students time to prepare and visit the various exhibits and displays, classes were put on hold until after the festival ended which was supposed to be around noon. Even then attending classes wasn't mandatory on the festival, something that Monika found to be fairly lenient in an otherwise strict academic society. As she strolled onto the school grounds she saw that many of the sport clubs had set up their own presentations outside of the building, with many hard at work setting up their last minute preparations. A few passing members of the track team waved to Monika as she passed, and that one interaction seemed to give Monika the boost she needed to gather her excitement for the day. Who knew what kind of people were going to join the club?

As Monika made her way up to the third floor, waving to students and teachers as she passed, she couldn't help but imagine her club filled with a variety of members. She didn't expect any of the school athletes to take interest, but imagining a normally robust and competitive student coming to talk to her about the pleasantries of writing was just so wholesome to Monika. Perhaps they'd pick up a rapper, she'd always wanted to see what would happen when a lyricist put a beat to a poem. Her thoughts continued with pleasant possibilities all the way to the clubroom where she found that she was the first to arrive.

It didn't surprise her, their presentation wasn't scheduled until 9:45 which meant the others didn't need to be as punctual as normal. Unable to contain her excitement, Monika quickly set to work, making sure each pamphlet was placed in the dead center of each desk and looked as symmetrical as possible for when the other students arrived. Once finished however, Monika realized she had more than enough time to kill while waiting for the others and decided to rehearse her poem just to be sure she had her vocal inflections just right. As she pulled her composition book out she saw at the bottom of her bag a pink strip of plastic wrapping and reached down to reveal the leftover protein bar. She had meant to give the bar to Sayori on Friday, but one thing had led to another and she had completely forgotten about it. If there was ever a day where Monika would need some kind of breakfast, this was definitely it.

Never thought I'd be excited for three day old chocolate and strawberry, Monika reflected with a light chuckle as she bit into the somewhat melted snack. A thought crossed her mind at the thought of Sayori and she flipped past her poem, staring at the list of hypotheticals and questions she had jotted down in the laundromat that hadn't left the back of her mind since. Monika had failed to answer a single question from where she was to why Sayori had changed her poem, in fact she had only managed to add a new question over the weekend for her to ponder over.

5. Why do I have regrets regarding Sayori and the others when I didn't before?

Unsurprisingly she had no answer for this one with only a few hypotheses to start off of. Thinking about them only made her headache crop up which wasn't exactly a motivating factor in the matter, and so Monika had simply left the page alone. Monika rolled her eyes and tossed the notebook on the teacher's desk; she couldn't even plan for the festival without getting distracted be her personal issues. Thankfully just as did so the sliding door to her left opened and the anxious face of Yuri peeked into the clubroom with an apprehensive expression.

"Ah, Monika." Yuri greeted. "I didn't realize you were already here, I-I hope I am not interrupting?" Monika shook her head and motioned towards the empty clubroom with her free hand.

"Please, this is your clubroom as much as it is mine. I was just going over my poem to pass the time while everyone showed up."

Yuri nodded in understanding. "Oh, I see. That's actually an excellent idea, if I finish setting up my part early then perhaps I shall also prepare myself to-" Yuri's soft spoken voice was suddenly interrupted by a muffled shout from behind the door that broke through the peaceful morning air.

"Hey! Move your big butt or the only thing you'll need to prepare for is getting a tray smacked over your head, you're blocking the door!" Yuri let out a yelp of surprise and quickly stepped inside the classroom to allow a struggling Natsuki to clamber through the door. She quickly rushed over to the teacher's desk and set down two large metal trays with plastic lids containing a dozen cupcakes each, letting out a sigh of relief as she wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Jesus, I didn't think that would be so hard. I started to lose feeling in my arms once I hit the stairs and that absolute ass Miyasaki from class 2-C thought it'd be funny to act like he was going to tip them over." With a huff she blew a strand of hair from her face and began unpacking the cupcakes to spread amongst the desks.

Now all they needed was Sayori and the other students. If the clock above the desk was to be trusted it was 9:12 which left them a little over half an hour until their presentation, which was plenty of time for Sayori to show up and prepare with the rest of them. If that was the case why did Monika feel uneasy over her friend's absence? The question was almost entirely rhetorical, Monika knew exactly why she was anxious. I'm sure she's fine, I had to really alter her configurations in the game to get her to that point and since I obviously didn't do that this time... But the image of Sayori's devastated expression as she had left her in the park sprang to mind; surely Monika's harsh words hadn't been enough for such a reaction?

Monika frowned and turned to Yuri who still seemed to be readjusting from Natsuki's entrance. She needed a distraction. "Do you want some help setting things up? We can set the banner over the chalkboard if you'd prefer, might catch more eyes that way." Yuri looked to the rolled up banner under her arm and nodded, and with Monika's help the two of them were able to spread the large violet cloth across the chalkboard, giving the front of the room a rudimentary stage-like look. After setting up the oil diffuser on the teacher's desk, Yuri thanked Monika and quietly began to psyche herself up for her own poem beneath the banner. Monika could tell she was dreading the presentation to come, but seeing the girl steel herself all for the sake of the club made Monika swell up with pride. She took in a breath at the smell of jasmine beginning to flush through the room, but something kept her nerves frayed.

9:26. It was getting closer and still no sign of Sayori. Monika tapped her foot anxiously as Natsuki passed by her, seeming uninterested in reciting her own poem. Instead she gazed out the window as the morning fog dispersed and gave a clear view of the various clubs loitering on the grounds.

"Aw man, I can't wait to see what the baking club cooks up this year! They always make free samples and junk, last year they made these little chocolate-mint muffins that were so delicious, ugh I wanted to nab like three of those things!" Natsuki craned her neck as if hoping to spot the baking club strolling along the grounds handing out treats. Yuri gave a small chuckle from the desk and peered up at Natsuki from behind her poem.

"Why didn't you join the baking club then, if I might ask? N-not that I resent your place here in the club, of course." She asked. Natsuki's excited demeanor flattened and she gave a shrug, not taking her eyes out from the window.

"I'm allowed to bake at home, so..." She muttered. Yuri didn't seem too sure on how to respond and instead flashed an awkward frown towards Monika and buried herself in her poetry again. With a final look at the clock Monika sidled up beside Natsuki who glanced up at her president expectantly.

"Sure are a lot of clubs out there, I hope we'll be able to make an impact with all this competition." Monika stated, though from the look Natsuki gave her it was clear her clubmate could see through her vague attempt at small talk. "A-ah, you haven't heard from Sayori yet have you? I'd hate to be missing a member on our big day." She hoped the desperation in her voice wasn't too evident, but Natsuki just rolled her eyes and smirked as she pulled out her phone.

"Heh, leave it to that dummy to be late on a day where we already don't have to be on time. I'll call her, no worries." Natsuki put the phone up to her ear as she and Monika stared out the window, and every second Natsuki remained silent seemed to add another weight onto her chest. Eventually Natsuki groaned and stuffed her phone into her bag with a shrug. "Ugh, she's not answering. God if she's late I'm not giving her any of the extra cupcakes, I mean it." Monika swallowed and felt her stomach hollow out, walking away from the window and pacing in front of the desks as time ticked on. 9:30 came and went and still no sign of Sayori. Monika was beginning to feel sweat drip down her palms, and she could tell her pacing was distracting the other members. Why was her tie suddenly so tight? How long had her palms been sweaty? Yuri looked over her poem to peer at Monika, swapping glances with Natsuki who only shrugged.

Monika suddenly turned to face Yuri, causing her to jump at her president's jerky movement. "Is it hot in here to you? I think it feels a bit hot in here."

"Oh, well n-not particularly." Though at Monika's insistent look she added, "Though p-perhaps a bit of fresh air might help calm all of our nerves? I believe stagnant air is said to be a, you know... catalyst for disaster." Her voice trailed off as Monika gave a tight smile before briskly walking back towards the windows.

Of all the times I wanted to hear that line again Yuri, which was not at all, this is most certainly not one of them.

Suddenly the door slid open to reveal an out of breath Sayori clutching her bag underneath her arms and looking as if she had just tried out for the school's track and field club. Monika felt a wave of relief wash over her at the sight of the disheveled girl, and quickly turned to greet her vice president with her hands clapped together. "Sayori! I'm so glad you're here, I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it in time."

"Hi Monika." Sayori said, the plainness in her voice was like a slap in the face to Monika as she walked past her president, instead raising her hands in an excited greeting as Natsuki turned to face her. Monika wasn't sure why she had expected any different, Sayori wasn't one to straight up ignore someone especially in the club, but the polite formality in which she spoke to Monika stung more than she anticipated. But she was doing just as Monika had hoped, focusing her attention on the others. So why did it hurt worse than the scratches on her neck to be greeted so unenthusiastically? As Sayori gasped and fawned over Natsuki and Yuri's respective additions to the club, Monika forced herself to shake off her inhibitions in order to ready herself for what was to come. She tried to convince herself that this was technically a good thing, it would make distancing herself from the other members all the more easier if their relationships became more professional over friendly.

"Okay, everyone!" Monika announced with a gentle clap as the other girls turned to face her. "This is it, festival time. I know everyone is probably a little nervous to perform in front of a crowd, but just put on your bravest face and put one foot in front of the other. We've got to show these guys what a safe and welcoming place the literature club is, and I know everyone here is capable of just that. Show them what makes this club so special to all of us, alright?" She made sure to lace each word with as much confidence as she could for a rousing final speech, but despite the replies of confirmation her clubmates returned to her she could see the hesitance lying behind their words. But there was no more time for encouragement; the other students had begun to arrive.

They trickled in by ones and twos at first, glancing around the clubroom and admiring the decorations. Monika welcomed them as they entered, while Yuri and Natsuki kept their eyes on their poems and Sayori greeted those that she knew. Soon the desks began to fill as more and more stepped into the classroom, and it quickly became clear that Himari had kept her end of the bargain as the room filled to the point that the newcomers were left to stand for the presentation. Monika gulped, though upon seeing the debate club president leaning against a desk in the front beside a familiar group of her club members, she quickly flashed the girl a thankful smile to which Himari gave a wink and a thumbs up. The room was settling in and as bits of chatter broke out amongst the crowd Monika stood straight and clapped her hands twice to try and gather their audience's attention.

"Hello everyone! My name is Monika, and I'm so glad you all came to take a look at my literature club. The literature club is a place for those seeking to explore their inner wordsmith, whether that be through the stories you read or the compositions you create! Poetry, creative writing, whatever form of literature strikes your fancy we're here to help you be true to yourself! Our presentation today will consist of our members reading a piece of poetry that they wrote themselves, which you'll be able to view in the pamphlets laid before you! Our club isn't very large at the moment but I'm hoping today's presentation will change that, so allow me to introduce you to our current members in performing order!" Monika waved to her clubmates, introducing each one with a flourish of her hand and a charming smile that she was slowly remastering. "This is Natsuki, Sayori, and Yuri! After they present their poems, anyone who brought their own is more than welcome to come up and present as well!"

This was it, their big moment finally in her grasp. The faces of her peers stared back at her expectantly as she took her composition book and flipped to her poem, and she couldn't help but spare a glance towards her clubmates to see if they were as exhilarated as she was. Unfortunately not a single one shared in a shred of her eagerness, with Yuri hiding behind her bangs and Natsuki tapping her foot anxiously as she stared towards the window. The worst of them however was Sayori, Monika could see the sweat forming along her brow as she licked her lips and looked around as if someone was going to jump her. Monika had expected this behavior from Yuri who had been against performing since the start, but to see her vice president look so terrified at the crowd was surprising to say the least.

"This is called, The Way they Fly. I hope you all enjoy." Monika looked back to the crowd and cleared her throat, holding her poem before her. She really ought to have practiced a bit more, but there was no more time for second-guessing, not when the next few minutes would decide who all joined the club. It was now or never, and with a final smile Monika began.

"It's beautiful from my spot upon the school roof, but the sun's twilight glow reflecting off of the trees is not what mystifies me.

I see them there, up beyond what my heavy fingers cannot reach from this cement flooring.

They sit upon the wind's gentle breeze as it keeps them aloft, like leaves in an autumn gale they swirl and dive without a care.

Do they not understand the plight of one with no wings, one who can only watch in wonder at their majesty and ignorance?

But no! They are content upon their wings, for that is simply how they are born into this world.

Wings to fly and feet to walk. That is our way, our purposes for which we are destined. Yet as I know this I cannot ignore curiosity's endurance.

Perhaps I am wrong and it is their plight I do not see from my grounded shackles, does a life of scenic views and worms to chew grow tiring?

Do they ever sit upon the branches and ask if there is more? No, they cry a happy tune as a gust soars them ever higher and I sink ever lower.

A single bird dives, perhaps to gaze at the curious creature watching their flight. It sees me, and I see it.

I am but a flightless swan upon the roof to them, and the flock sails off towards those shimmering trees. Chirping and twirling, all to their leisure.

The roof is my home, and the sky is theirs. I am content to be mystified, for the sky holds only danger to one without wings lest my shackle become my end.

So I shall sit upon the school's roof and forever gaze at the sky and wonder, wonder at the way they fly."

Monika let out a breath as she finished, the sudden sound of clapping erupting from around her. She looked up to see that the audience wasn't simply giving polite claps either, but several students seemed to have risen from their seats while a few whistles erupted from the back row. Monika was shocked, she hadn't thought of her poem as anything stellar. She had certainly put her heart into writing it, but to receive such overwhelming applause was flattering to say the least. She noticed Himari with a cupcake held in her mouth, clapping both of her hands together as the two locked eyes. Monika smiled, bowed to the audience, and turned to stand with her clubmates.

Sayori gave Monika a polite smile and was also clapping with the audience, while Yuri gently snapped her fingers. As Natsuki rolled her eyes and stepped past her to take the stage, Monika took her own place beside Sayori. Neither girl looked at each other, with Sayori now entirely focused on Natsuki's performance while Monika took a look down at her composition book and the poem she had made. I hope you were listening, Sayori, Monika thought to herself as she set her composition book in her bag. I hope you heard the words that I don't know how to say. But if she did, she gave no sign.

"Alright, uh-" Natsuki held her poem up for a moment as if trying to decipher it before glancing back out at the crowd. "Yeah, I'm Kisaragi Natsuki, and my poem is called Jump. So yeah, here we go I guess." Natsuki sighed and after straightening her posture a bit began to recite:

"I wish there was a place that I could go

Where I could sit with people I didn't know

And enjoy a book to read.

Not a library because that's too lonely,

And not at my place because that's too homely,

And the quiet isn't guaranteed.

At first it might not seem that tempting

But you'll find it's surprisingly accepting

Even if you don't know how to proceed.

If I can help you feel a bit better

With lukewarm tea and poetry letters

Then this might be the jump you need."

The crowd broke into applause again as Natsuki finished, though it was noticeably lighter than what had been given to Monika with everybody remaining seated and the clapping being of a much more polite variety. Natsuki seemed to notice this as she gave an irritated snort and stomped off to the side between Sayori and Yuri, her poem clenched tightly in her hand and her arms crossed. Monika saw Yuri lean over to give what she hoped was an encouraging whisper, but despite her closeness she couldn't discern what was said. She wanted to give Natsuki a few whispering encouragements herself, but she was suddenly preoccupied as Sayori seemed to have frozen solid.

Monika could see her erratic breathing and the way her hands trembled. It was like she was on the verge of hyperventilation, and Monika felt a pang of worry strike through her. She could just tell Sayori that she didn't have to read her poem, to be kind and give her an out for something that she was clearly uncomfortable with, but then what of the club? She didn't want Sayori to embarrass herself by stumbling through her poem, not to mention the impression it might give their would-be clubmates. Nodding to herself conclusively she reached out to take Sayori's wrist and let her know she could back down, but instead her hand gripped the open air as Sayori walked to the front.

She was still shaking slightly and her breathing had only slightly slowed, but on her face she held that smile Monika recognized from having seen it too many times. It was a smile of hiding, a smile of shoving her fears deep down inside and pressing onward. She silently wondered if this was Sayori's own way of telling Monika that she was doing as she was asked, fulfilling her role in the festival so that Monika could finally disassociate with the others and move on. Or perhaps it was the opposite, a message that despite what had happened between them she would continue pressing on whether Monika wanted her to or not. Maybe it was neither and Monika was simply looking for messages that weren't there, it wouldn't have surprised her.

"Hi guys, I'm Moriyama Sayori!" Sayori greeted to the crowd. There were a few sardonic replies of return greetings, but Sayori only smiled and held her poem before her. Had Monika not seen her before she would never have assumed that the vice president was so anxious to perform, not with the chipper look and cheery demeanor she faked so well. "This one is called My Meadow and I really really hope you guys like it!"

"My meadow, my meadow. You know, I think you might be the most special place in the whole world.

The swaying wind that makes the grass tickle my legs, the comforting rays of the sun shining down on me,

Even the little icky bugs that sometimes crawl out of your holes are special, because they come from my meadow.

Maybe it's wrong, but I like having my meadow to myself.

Not everyone knows how to treat my meadow, they might cut the grass or pick the flowers,

Some people leave trash and start fires, and I know they don't mean to. They're enjoying my meadow in their own way.

I can't be mad when I've scarred bits of my meadow as well, but then I come back to my meadow and I find it barren and burnt,

The flowers are gone and the clouds have blocked the sun, even the little tree on the hill sits like a grave for my meadow.

Why would someone destroy my meadow? I don't know, there's nobody to answer my calls. So instead I get to work,

Replanting the flowers and replacing the soil, even as the briars that have sprouted claw at my skin and overalls.

My meadow, my meadow. It might not be the meadow I once played in, but I'll make it a meadow worth laying in."

Sayori let out a breath and broke into a grin, looking out into the crowd as they gave an accepting if not lukewarm response. The response was similar to Natsuki's with scattered applause through the room and a few encouraging looks, but the difference between Sayori's and Monika's reception from the crowd was palpable. There were a few mutterings of independent conversations that had sprouted during Sayori's performance, and now she could see several of those who had been standing were exiting quietly through the back door with lackluster expressions. Were their poems that boring? She had been more focused on gauging the audience than the actual performances, but she hadn't noticed anything particularly bad about either of her clubmate's performances.

The chatter was beginning to grow amongst the crowd and Monika noticed Sayori trying to hide a slightly dejected look as she returned to her position beside Natsuki. Before Monika could consider whether or not complimenting Sayori's poetry might be awkward, she saw from the corner of her eye Himari straighten herself in the front row with a look on her face as though the debate club president had been fed spoiled milk. Monika felt a wave of relief as she realized Himari must've also noticed the crowd's ease in interest, and could see from the look on her face that she was about to pull the same authority she had exuded over her own clubmates to put the audience in their place.

"So like, just a question, do you normally write all of your poems about your rejections? Because it comes off as super petty from my perspective, and I don't think that's the kind of message you should be giving potential future members." Himari stated, her voice firm as she adjusted her glasses. Monika's face fell as she realized that Himari wasn't addressing the disrespectful members of the audience, but rather Sayori instead. Wait, what?

"Himari, please. Not here." Sayori whispered. Though her voice was soft the entire room had gone silent at Himari's words, and everyone including the other members of the literature club now looked to Sayori. The look of fear on her face mirrored the one she had worn once the audience had first entered, and whatever false boost of confidence she had given herself was quickly disintegrating.

"Oh no, I think this is the perfect place." Himari whipped out a notepad, the same one she had used when interviewing Monika on Friday and began flipping through it. "Because I don't appreciate how you've been using Moni's club as some kind of pity-party to make everyone feel bad for you, when she's been working her butt off to turn it into something more than that. I mean that poem-"

"It wasn't about you, Himari, please!" Sayori begged, but Himari ignored her plea and continued as if she hadn't been interrupted.

"-was really the last thing I would have expected from you, Sayori. Writing some kind of subtle hit-piece about how miserable you are because I didn't want to date you is kind of an immature way of handling things, don't you think?" The tone in the air changed to something far more tense in the small gap of silence that followed. Monika's brain was still trying to catch up with what she was hearing, and all at once she felt as though someone had kicked a chair out from beneath her. Himari was the one that had rejected Sayori? Sayori swung that way? Since when? Was this some kind of sick bluff? There was so many things that didn't make sense about that sentence alone, and try as she might Monika couldn't bring herself to move or speak, instead she glanced over to Sayori beside her who had tears welling up in her eyes and was shaking her head. This was no bluff.

"You've said enough, shut your damn mouth Ishida!" Natsuki hissed, having taken a step forward. She stood protectively in front of Sayori with one hand held out as if she expected Himari to suddenly tackle her.

Himari rolled her eyes and leaned back against the desk, shaking her head as well. "Oh calm down, it's not the 18th century anymore. Nobody gives a damn if she's gay, I mean its like a cute quirk nowadays, right?" Despite her words several snickers erupted from the audience behind her, along with an audible groan of someone saying, "It's always the cute ones." before Himari continued while staring Sayori down. "The point I'm after here is that I politely reject you, and coincidentally then I hear you have 'depression'? Like, that's super convenient don't you think? And suddenly you're going out to the mall spending alone time with your club president, which mixed with this little poem you're presented kinda leads me to think you're like, trying to seduce Moni just to make me jealous or something. Talk about sick, playing with feelings like that."

"I said to shut your damn mouth, or so help me I'll bust those stupid glasses so hard the school nurse will be pulling the shards out of your eyes until sundown!" Natsuki interrupted. Yuri was soothing a now visibly distressed Sayori, and Monika felt her teeth clench. Everything was going wrong way too fast and completely out of left field, and she needed some kind of break in the action to gather her thoughts together. Thoughts like how in the hell Himari knew they were at the mall, or why she was suddenly making a mockery of Sayori and the club? As she turned to look back at Himari she spotted one of the debate club members directly behind her who kept grabbing her attention for some reason. She had heard his name once or twice, Kenta or Kenji or something of the like. He didn't seem too confident in the confrontation, and as he met Monika's eyes she realized where else she recognized him from; the last time they had met he had been sweating and cheering after playing Dancing Remix Revolution at the mall.

What the hell is she doing, is she trying to destroy my club? Monika had to stop this now, but her body wouldn't move. She urged it to do something, to yell or to run forward but nothing happened. What would she even do? Why couldn't she just act like a president and keep things on track? You're not a bystander, Monika, you're in control! Act like it!

Himari stared at Natsuki for a moment, cocking her head like a dog might at an animal it had never seen before. Kenji leaned forward and whispered something into her ear and with a contemplative look she nodded and turned towards the exit as some of the audience parted to make room for her. "You're right Kenji, that was pretty rude of me." Himari admitted. "Continue on with your presentation, I'm very sorry for interrupting and I hope everyone here considers joining the literature club. It's a great club, just be careful of who's inside it."

Monika didn't take her eyes off of Himari until she noticed Natsuki stepping forward for another jab. As Himari stopped and turned back at Natuski's call, Monika could see the smug satisfaction etched across her face and with an internalized grimace Monika realized she knew exactly what Himari was doing by leaving. She had set the bait and Natsuki was walking right into it. The shock of the sudden confrontation finally wore off, and Monika leaned forward to grab Natsuki's wrist to stop her but the smaller girl broke free.

"Natsuki don't, she wants you to-"

"You march into our clubroom and turn our presentation into your own little drama show?" Natsuki spat, her face was beet red and she looked as if she was about to leap into the crowd and start swinging. Monika didn't entirely blame her. "You want to talk about a hit-piece, its obvious you're so fucking self conscious about getting asked out that you had to make a huge deal about it like anyone here gives a shit! I thought you were the president of the debate club, not the shit talking club!" A few instigating noises erupted from the audience, but Himari kept her composure.

"Brash, placing the blame on others, small and feisty, you definitely match the description." Himari waved the little notebook in the air as she read off Natsuki's attributes like bullet points. "I'm sorry you feel that way, did the gay comment upset you that bad? I didn't realize you might've felt included by that, are you and Sayori both LGBT or something? Ugh, I'd feel bad for making fun of someone who's trans or something, that definitely wasn't my intention, I only brought it up because the other students here deserve to know what kind of club you're setting up before they join. Making them think it's all just poems and cupcakes, like, isn't that super misleading when you turned it into something so bad that not even your president enjoys it anymore?"

"What, because I'm small!? Because I'm flat?! I'm a fucking girl, you four-eyed bitch, why does everyone keep thinking I'm not?!" Natsuki shouted. Monika could tell from the way she had balled her hands up that Natsuki was less than seconds away from charging at Himari and for a second she prepared herself to tackle her clubmate if things deviated that far, when Yuri of all people spoke up.

"Y-y-you..." Yuri's breathing had grown heavy as she held a crying Sayori into her shoulder, but her face showed signs of ire that Monika had only seen when arguing with Natsuki. "Y-you don't know anything about our club. The literature club is not some kind of secretive sexuality group under the guise of a book club, it... it is a place where people are far more understanding than you shall ever be." Though she didn't carry the same boldness in her voice that Nastuki did, there was no mistaking the bite behind her words and the fire in her eyes.

Natsuki huffed steam through her nose and crossed her arms, likely to keep them from coming into contact with Himari. "It's supposed to be a place of respect, so all the people here who thought this whole dramatic interruption was funny, we don't fucking want you!" A few more scoffs echoed throughout the room while Himari turned to look at Monika for a moment with an almost apologetic smile on her face. Her look plainly said, Geez can you believe these girls? and it only made Monika want to leap at her herself. Did she really think Monika was on her side, that she welcomed the abuse of her club and its members? You've been trying to get them away from you not even minutes ago, hypocrite.

A small sniff sounded from behind her, and Monika turned to see that Sayori had lifted herself from Yuri's blazer and was peeking out, her lip quivering as she spoke. "It... t-the literature club is a p-place that I... where I can trust..." She croaked before breaking out into quiet sobs once again, and Monika felt her own heart stop. The literature club itself had been a ceaseless source of bad memories and misery for Monika, but when had she ever considered what it was to the others? They had written it on the chalkboard together on a day that felt like a lifetime ago to Monika, what the club meant to each of them. A place where they could establish trust, display understanding, and show respect. What was it now?

The literature club was at its core someplace that was safe, and Monika had made it unsafe.

"Equals..." Monika breathed. That had been her addition to the board. They were her equals, nothing more and nothing less. They were character files in a computer program, and so was she. She turned to the crowd and felt that rush of cooling confidence that always arose when she took up her role as president, and as she bit back any degrading thoughts she found her voice. "That's enough! The show is over, and I'll have to ask all of you to leave now so that we can clean the room for afternoon classes. If you wished to share a poem then I apologize for cutting things short, however you can still share your poetry with us if you choose to join our club." She was managing to keep the bitterness from her voice fairly well, but she knew everyone could decipher the real message of her words. They were no longer welcome. "Thank you for coming everyone."

Thankfully the audience didn't put up a resistance, with everyone leaving the room in a mess of students chatting and snickering at the mess of a presentation. She saw the flash of a smirk that Himari gave her before being swept up in the crowd, and just like that the room was empty. Empty except for a mess of cupcake wrappers and scattered desks, and four crushed girls who stood in silence beside the teacher's desk at the front of the room. The only sound left was Sayori's sniffling and scattered breathing. Monika almost expected the banner to fall pitifully as she turned to look at her clubmates, but it stayed standing over them all as a mocking reminder of what could have been.

Sayori had sat against the end of the desk with her arms wrapped around her knee and her eyes clenched shut, while Yuri stood beside her with a hand over her eyes trying to withhold tears of her own. Natsuki was the only one who met her eyes, and in those eyes she only saw an untamed fire that she knew was not going out anytime soon. Natsuki stepped up to Monika and in an instant she found herself staggered as the smaller girl gave a forceful shove that nearly knocked Monika off of her feet.

"You did this." Natsuki hissed. "You! None of us wanted to read to a group full of stupid assholes, but you just had to go and force us all to participate so you could feel good about yourself. Well how do you feel now, Monika? We're the laughingstock of the entire school now, hope you're fucking happy!"

"Me?! I didn't ask for this!" Monika objected. She rubbed at the spot where Natsuki had shoved her, but Natsuki only continued.

"Oh screw that, this has been about you from the beginning! You were so desperate to have new members and have a popular club that you didn't give a damn about how any of us felt! You didn't say a single thing Monika, you just sat there and... you just watched! This isn't our club, it's your little popularity booster, you literally introduced it as 'your club', or am I the only one who noticed that?" Natsuki dug her finger into Monika's chest in the same spot she had shoved, menace etched across her face. "You think I don't know what you've been up to? How did she know about us being at the mall, Monika? How did Himari Ishida know Sayori had depression when nobody else did? You've been selling us out to the biggest goddamn gossip in the entire school, haven't you? What'd she promise you, huh? Members? More popularity? A night in bed with the tennis captain, seriously, I want to know what we're all worth to you!"

Monika's mind seemed to short circuit at the accusation, and her words stumbled out as she desperately tried to find some kind of defense to hold onto. "I didn't mean- I didn't know she was a gossip, I just thought she was being considerate and listening! She told me she wouldn't-" That wasn't entirely the truth, with a sickening jolt she remembered when Himari had revealed Kenji's feelings towards Monika much to the upperclassman's horror. Monika had seen it, and thought it only as playful banter. Natsuki cut her off again.

"Bull. Shit. You've been in this school for almost three years Monika, same as me, there is no way you're stupid enough to not know she's the queen of shit talking and rumors! I literally saw you eating lunch with her and all her stupid debate club members last Thursday!" Natsuki squeezed her eyes shut and grabbed her ponytails, pulling them in frustration. Monika didn't know what to say, she felt as though someone had swept a rug out from under her and beaten her with it. She had sold them out, hadn't she? Unintentionally and for what she thought at the time was for a good cause, but she was guilty nonetheless. Always guilty over something. Sayori gave another quiet sob and Monika saw that she was covering her ears, likely to stop from hearing Natsuki's harsh tones.

"Natsuki, I know you're upset, but... now is not the time and you shouting after all of that is not helping." Monika stated firmly as she moved to check on Sayori but Natsuki stepped in front of her path.

"Why? Why am I always the bad guy, why can't you just admit you completely ruined this?!" She challenged. "You brought Himari here, you forced us to present- hell, I wouldn't have even agreed unless Sayori hadn't literally paid me to participate!" At Monika's stunned expression Natsuki gave a confident nod. "That's right, while you were probably selling her secrets three doors down, your vice president was paying me yen just to read a poem and make everyone happy! Some kind of president you are, huh?" Monika could feel her anger flaring up despite a voice in her head telling her that giving into Natsuki's rage would only make things worse. She wanted to say something to Sayori for going behind her back and actually bribing a member of the club, but she knew that wasn't an appropriate option right now. Yuri wasn't involved, which only left one person.

"You really have to be bribed just to act like a decent person and join club activities, Natsuki? Seriously? As much as I'd love to sit here and play guilt-trip central with you, we have other members of the club, some of whom have bigger problems than your little blame game!" Monika snapped and finally pushed Natsuki aside, moving to check on Sayori. She didn't care how awkward things were between them, she didn't care that Sayori had bribed Natsuki behind her back, she didn't even care that none of them were real. She just wanted to check to see how Sayori was doing so as to help alleviate the horrible gut-wrenching pain she was now feeling over what she had done. "If you don't like the club, then I doubt I have to tell you where the door is."

As she knelt down beside Sayori she tried to whisper the girl's name but there was no response. When she reached out to comfort her with a touch on the shoulder she was surprised at Sayori's hand reaching out to Monika's and shoving it away. Monika recoiled as though she had been shot, a whole new wave of guilt washing over her as she realized Sayori had heard everything Natsuki had said. She knew Monika was responsible for everything that had gone wrong, every negative feeling that she was feeling now was because of Monika. It was all her fault, again. There was no backtracking out of this. Silently Monika stood and stepped away from Sayori, turning instead towards a sudden ruckus that was emerging from the clubroom's closet.

Natsuki held her box of manga in her hands, both of the cupcake trays stacked on top of it as she kicked the closet door closed with her foot. She kept her eyes focused on her task, and it was only when she got to the door that Monika realized she was taking what she had said seriously. Natsuki was leaving. She wanted to say something to stop her, to formulate some kind of apology to make everything better but she didn't. She couldn't. Instead Natsuki turned and gave the three of them one last look.

"Yuri, 'Ri, are you coming?" She asked, looking at the two members behind Monika. Sayori said nothing, while Yuri looked at Monika and for one horrifying second she thought that Yuri might follow. Instead Yuri wiped her eyes and turned back to Natsuki before clasping her hands together and gently shook her head.

"N-natsuki, I understand you are upset at erm, well I mean it's fairly obvious what you are upset at, but I..." Another glance around the messy clubroom. "I-I cannot abandon the club, not in good conscience. I understand that Monika has perhaps not given the most cohesive thought to this, but I do not believe she has done all of this for s-selfish reasons." Monika winced at the irony but she kept her mouth shut, her confidence was wavering and she found her voice too small and feeble to use. "As absolutely... as absolutely horrible as today has been, I think division will only create more problems. Erm, perhaps we could take some time to recover and then discuss events further?" Yuri looked to Natsuki with what Monika could tell was genuine empathy, a hidden plea resonating in her eyes as she silently begged Natsuki not to leave.

"Fine." Natsuki said in a low voice, her eyes closed as tears began to well in the corners. A hopeful look took over Yuri's expression, but Monika could tell by Natsuki's tone and demeanor that Yuri had misunderstood. "Fine then, you want to stay here and let her use you like the- like the lonely stuck up bra stuffing bimbo that you are, be my guest! There's extra cupcakes on the desk, you guys can choke on them for all I care." Natsuki kicked the sliding door open and stomped out into the hallway without another word, leaving a stunned Yuri and Monika behind to stare at the doorway that had once held their friend. Monika had half expected the door to slam shut behind her, but instead it hung open and the indistinct chatter of other clubs and students wafted into the clubroom.

For a moment nobody said a word, and then suddenly Yuri began to briskly walk towards the exit with tears once again staining her face. "S-she didn't mean... I'm not- I know where s-she usually hides when she uh, when she... p-perhaps I can change her mind." But Monika knew it was a fruitless endeavor and by the sound of her voice cracking as she trailed off into a sob, Yuri did too. Natsuki had taken her manga along with the last hope that Monika could fix what had happened, and had left the literature club and all of its members behind. As Yuri turned out into the hallway, Monika found herself grabbing her things and following her. The smell of lavender was too much for her now and it made her feel sick. She didn't speak to Sayori who still sat huddled by the desk; there was nothing left to say. Rather than follow the direction Yuri had gone she found her feet carrying her in the familiar direction of the music room.

She had hardly made it halfway there when a familiar voice called out to her, and in an instant she felt all of her nerves crack. Now was not the time, now was most definitely not the time.

"Hey, Moni!" Himari slid out from the corner Monika had just passed, trailing up beside her with her hands held innocently behind her back. "Thank God I found you, like, what a mess am I right? I could have done so much better with my performance cause like, dude that felt super awkward and forced! But I think it worked if Kisaragi's reaction was anything to go by. So did any of them quit, I know Sayori's definitely-" Smack! Himari reeled back, her body following her head's momentum as she stumbled before falling onto her backside. She held a hand up to her cheek in shock, staring up at Monika who loomed over her silently. As soon as Himari uttered the beginning of a sentence, Monika shut her down.

"Shut up. I don't know how hard you were thrown around as a child to conceive that I wanted you to ruin my friends' social lives, my club, and my pride, but so help me if you even think of speaking to me right now I will prove that I intend to throw you harder." Her breathing was heavy and her cheeks were flushed with rage, rage at Natsuki for walking out, rage at Himari for ruining her club, and rage at herself for allowing the former two to happen. Himari's voice came out as a hushed whisper, pushing herself backwards to gain some distance from Monika lest she strike again.

"I-I'm sorry? I t-thought that you... I know it was super shitty, but come on Moni you wanted them gone! I wasn't trying to hurt them, it was just a... like, collateral damage, you know? A-and I didn't want to hurt your club! I specifically kept telling everyone how hard you were trying, I j-just wanted them to feel bad and leave, a-and maybe if nobody joined your club you uh, well I mean you could always come back to the debate club if that didn't work out- Monika wait! I did this all for you, please!" But Monika had already turned around and was bolting down the hall. The music room was no longer her destination, she knew the band club was likely utilizing it for their own presentation and would bring her no peace. Himari blocked the way back. Where was somewhere peaceful, without fear of lingering eyes or questioning glances? Somewhere where her thoughts wouldn't threaten to rip her head apart?

She turned up the stairs, tripping in her haste but forcing herself back up as she reached the final floor of the school and practically threw the door open. The cooling autumn wind waved her hair as she stepped out onto the school roof and shut the door behind her. There were no clubs up here as students were often dissuaded from visiting the roof without a writ from a member of the faculty, but Monika could care less about the rules at that moment. Instead she thought about everything that had led up to this moment, from the moment she had awoken in the literature club the Sunday prior to yelling at Sayori in the park. The festival was supposed to be a pleasant pit stop in the road to hell that Monika had seemingly been thrust down, but like everything else it had crumbled in her fingers and blown away.

The cement floor slapped against her uwabaki slippers and provided so little resistance that it pained her soles as she stomped across the roof, but she didn't care, if anything she was glad for the pain and discomfort as it only fueled her temper. With a guttural roar she released her schoolbag from her shoulder and slung it at the metal fence with all of her might, and for a moment she considered doing it again because of how satisfying it felt to physically release all of her frustration. It did feel good, it felt great even, but just as fast as the rage had come she could already feel it slipping away as it was slowly replaced by something much less cathartic: hopelessness. She stumbled on the roof for a moment with her breathing still ragged before collapsing against the solid concrete, her eyes staring up at the endless field of blue that shone above her. It was the closest thing to a sunny day she had seen since her arrival, and she hated it.

Why had nothing gone right? How had she managed to make every wrong choice and decision despite the seemingly endless options this world seemed to present to her? Was she destined to ruin everything she touched, even when she wasn't trying? She didn't have any answers, she only had the gaping hole in her stomach that made her want to cry and let her body rot up there on the school roof.

If there is a God, he's pretty sick in the head for letting me make every stupid choice I come across. That's when it occurred to her that while there might not be a God staring down at her, something just as close might be. Something a lot more real and a lot more powerful in her opinion. Her misery was still spreading through every fiber of her limbs, but her seething anger was making a comeback as she stared up into the endless blue above her.

"You gave me nothing." She said aloud. "You gave me absolutely nothing, no family, no clear memories, no lifeline I can grab onto in what I can only rationalize is a personalized version of hell made just for me. You gave me nothing, and somehow managed to take everything." The sky said nothing, and so Monika continued. "You told me I deserved a second chance, but that was just a lie wasn't it? We both know I don't deserve anything like that, maybe that's why you gave me nothing. Is that what this is then, my punishment? Are you actively punishing me for killing them, is that why you're upset?" Her voice rose to a cry as she slammed a fist against the concrete beneath her. "Well guess what, I am too!"

"I know I'm a terrible person, you didn't have to drag me into a whole new world and rub my nose in it like a dog that wet the carpet, dammit! You couldn't change my file parameters and remove my memories, or the guilt that makes it to where I can't sleep? Hell, you didn't even change their values! Sayori's still depressed, it's painfully obvious Natsuki is still getting abused, and I'd bet my favorite pen Yuri is still slicing her arms into ribbons! What about their second chances, huh? HUH?!" Monika waited for some kind of acknowledgement, a textbox to magically appear in front of her and explain why her life was the way it was. But nothing happened. The only response was the sun gently shining down on her and obscuring her vision as it rose ever higher into the sky.

Monika sat there for a hard minute as if debating on what to say, on how to feel. She wasn't sure how long she lay there letting the sun slowly warm her only for the breeze to bite her skin with its cooling touch, but after a long silence she asked something that had been bugging her ever since the festival had gone wrong. "You don't change their values to make them happier, but you'll stick your fingers in their sexuality for... for what?" Then it occurred to her that perhaps Sayori's orientation might not have been new, and that perhaps Sayori had always preferred the company of the fairer sex. It wasn't as if the topic of sexual orientation had ever come up during club hours, and in a game where they were all destined to fall for a faceless husk, what was the point of a conflicting sexuality? In a world without such restrictions, perhaps Sayori had been given the opportunity to explore herself.

Monika shook her head, she didn't want to be contemplative. She wanted to be upset and it didn't take much effort to let her feelings wash over her again.

"You don't care." Monika said in defeat, it was the defeat of holding on for so long without ever realizing here was nothing to climb towards in the first place. She wondered if this must've been how Natsuki had felt when jabbing her finger into Monika's chest. "You just wanted to feel like a hero and put all of us here without actually considering what might happen. You're not watching any of this, I'm just talking to myself like the absolute psychopath I am. My club is in shambles, or maybe flat out gone is a better description since Natsuki left and I think Sayori hates me. And Yuri..." Monika scoffed, rolling her eyes and smirking as if she had just told a dumb joke. "I've spoken to Yuri maybe, what, three times? I've just ignored them, and when I'm not doing that I'm yelling at them. Because I'm crazy. And you're content to just let it all happen, to let me sit here and suffer forever. So in my reality, I guess nothing's really changed." Monika let out a breath and sat in silence again as the wind rolled along the roof and blew her own hair in her eyes.

But maybe she didn't have to suffer forever. An idea popped into her head so abruptly that she sat up from her sprawl on the roof and ran it through her mind again. And then again, and again. She wasn't out of options just yet, just because she didn't have control of the files didn't mean she was completely restricted to whatever script or plot this miserable world had for her. She had some ounce of control left, and damn if she wouldn't prove it. Monika snatched her bag and slung it over her shoulder, departing from the rooftop and slinking back down into the school crowds. Some waved or greeted her, but Monika was too lost in her own mind to acknowledge them. Himari was nowhere to be found, and the clubroom was empty when she passed by. She wondered if Yuri ever found Natsuki, or if she had given up and gone home too. Sayori had probably done the same, and that was okay with Monika, she wasn't sure she had the energy to face any of them now.

Her mind was so preoccupied with the cacophony of thoughts swirling through her head that she hadn't even realized she had left the school grounds and was simply walking. Rather than go down the street that led towards the Helping-Hands Shelter she had gone straight. This road led towards the city directly from the school, but due to the heavy weather from the past week the road itself was covered in branches and debris with most commuters preferring to take the many backroads and side paths that offered a less hazardous route. Monika had seen plenty of students traveling down the road on her own way home, but with the culture festival still in session the road itself was empty.

Not what I was hoping for, I wanted an isolated location not deserted. Monika frowned, peering down both ends of the street to get a better view of her options, but the only car she saw was on the opposite side of the road and already a mile down the road. She clicked her tongue and kept walking. She was surprisingly unafraid for what she was about to do, perhaps it was because this wasn't unfamiliar territory for Monika, or maybe the logical and empathetic sides of her brain had finally found themselves agreeing on her new endgame for once.

Monika was going to put an end to her personal hell the only way she knew how. No more tiptoeing around Sayori and her good intentions, no more guilty dreams, no more worrying about money or food or clothes, those were going to finally disappear. She knew it was selfish, suicide was often the response of someone who had been too selfless for too long and was finally cashing in their points for one act of self-centeredness, but at this point it was the only thing that made sense. If she was lucky, whatever game or program she was in would fill in the gaps like it always did and everyone would forget about Monika and her silly club. The others would be fine, she had already seen a world without her existence, a world that was happy and strong. A world where her actions couldn't cause needless pain. The only reason she had cut the cord on that world was because of the game's administrative interference infecting Sayori, so they wouldn't have to suffer all over again. That wasn't an issue now.

I'm not scared to die. Not if it means they'll stop suffering from my own ignorance and selfishness, not if it means I'll be done with this. It was almost ironic, slowly growing accustomed to the other girls only to remove herself from their lives once she felt a fondness for them. To think she had woken up with the intent of distancing herself so as to not grow close to any of them, and now she was distancing herself ion a much greater scale not just for her sake but for theirs too. When had that happened? Probably around the time the festival had hurt each of them all in such different and strong ways, if she had to guess.

There were no cars coming, and while throwing herself into traffic really wasn't the most desirable end it was certainly a quick one assuming she timed it right. Monika sighed and turned to look back, far in the distance behind the trees and masses of kudzu vines that blocked out the sun she could see the school. Maybe she'd have better luck on a more populated road? She turned back to check for any last minute cars, but something just as interesting caught her attention: a bridge. She could hear the flow of running water up ahead, and a quick look off the road and into the dense undergrowth showed that sure enough an overflowing river sat at the bottom of an embankment she was beginning to pass over. This was more than perfect, though it was with a heavy heart that she realized this was the closest thing she had had to good luck that week. She shook her head and pressed on, trying to see over the edge to see how high the bridge was over the coursing river below, likely somewhere between sixty and eighty feet.

The only problem was that someone had already beat her to it.

Monika froze, every rationalizing and justifying thought that had been in her head for her demise suddenly fell flat. The blazer lay folded and neatly draped over the bridge's railing and beneath it sat a pair of uwabaki slippers tipped in blue, a lone schoolbag slouching beside them. The wind made the figure wobble as she tried to balance along the bridge's railing, her arms extended out on either side to stop herself from plunging in to the river. Teetering unceremoniously back and forth on a hunk of cement barrier with her eyes so far away from where they currently found themselves, was Sayori.

As soon as her brain had gone quiet, it immediately exploded into panicked thoughts at the sight before her. Why is she here? She's trying to kill herself, she's very clearly trying to kill herself. How did she get this bad, I can't tamper with the files! She was already this far along, she never needed outside interference did she? Why didn't she say something? Why in the hell would she say anything to you when all you do is yell and push people aside? Sayori's going to die. Sayori is going to die again and it will be all your fault. Again. Your friend is going to die and you are going to sit by and watch all over again unless you do something right now! Monika took a step forward.

"H-hey, don't do it... please." Monika murmured, unsure if it would even reach her in such a low tone. But Sayori caught it, and Monika felt her own body tense up as she saw Sayori stiffen and freeze. Her eyes were wide and she tilted her head ever so slightly towards Monika's direction, but she didn't look at her. Her eyes remained focused on the river. Monika silently cursed her own lack of care, startling Sayori could very easily result in her slipping or panicking, with either option landing her at the bottom of the bridge. Her mind was racing but she knew she had to shut it up, she had to concentrate on handling this situation as delicately as possible. She took another step forward.

"Monika?" Sayori asked to which Monika nodded, though upon realizing Sayori still wasn't looking at her she gave an audible "Uh-huh" to confirm it was her. She took another step forward, she was already on the bridge and Sayori was hardly twenty feet away from her. Progress? "D-don't... what are you doing here? You don't..." Sayori swallowed and when she spoke again her voice wavered. "... need to see this." Monika's breathing quickened with each step and instead of immediately answering she tried to scout out her options. Sudden movements were her enemy, if Sayori thought she was going to try and grab her or rush towards her she might jump. But if she took too long her presence alone might spook Sayori into leaping off as well.

"I..." What was she supposed to say? She had never talked someone out of suicide before, and suddenly every word seemed like a timebomb. But words were almost certainly her ally as much as her undoing, the longer she could keep Sayori talking the better the chance of getting her to step down, wasn't that how it worked? "I'm coming over to you, slowly okay? Is that alright? I uh, I'm not going to do anything drastic so p-please, don't you do anything either." Sayori didn't respond and Monika took it as a sign that she was allowed to approach. Every step seemed to take forever, each gentle press against the pavement seemed to instill a deeper feeling into Monika. A feeling that she hadn't experienced in so long she had almost forgotten what it felt like: fear. Genuine and chilling fear pumping through her veins, making her limbs tingle and her stomach writhe in trepidation.

The fear of death did not bother Monika, she knew she had absolutely nothing to lose. It was the fear of failure, the fear of failing to right her wrongs and losing someone who did have something to lose whether she realized it or not, that's what made Monika tremble.

Finally Monika reached the spot where Sayori had set her jacket, and she stopped. Sayori stood only a few feet from her, still balancing on the rounded cement and still staring intently at the drop beneath them. It was so strange to only see her in her vest and dress shirt, unnatural even. Monika could see that her eyes were still puffy from where she had been crying earlier and she longed to reach a hand out as some useless form of reassurance, but she knew better. Instead she slowly crossed her arms along the cement and leaned against the railing.

"Why?" Monika barely managed to get the word out, but she knew it was the most important one she could ask right now. It was amazing how much weight one word could have. Sayori took a deep breath beside her and turned her gaze towards the sky, or at least what parts of it could be made out from the trees and vines.

"I'm tired, Monika." Sayori breathed. "I'm really... tired. It feels like I've been stuffed in a metal tank, and everyday a little more water fills up inside of it. Paddling my feet and trying to grab onto something, but I'm just floating, and eventually that water is going to submerge me and..." She gently raised her arms, motioning to the world around them. "Here I am. Everything just- God, it never st-stops... I was trying, I really was Moni, but every time I stood back up there was something else to hit me back down. I didn't want... I didn't want anyone to see this, especially you. Y-you're not going to leave either, are you?" Monika shook her head, and felt something well up in her eyes but she forced it back down. She had to be strong. She had to stay strong for Sayori.

"No. I'm going to be right here, until the end. Whether it's with you stepping down or... or not." A shiver coursed through her, and she was almost surprised that this was having such an effect on her.

It's your best friend, it damn well better affect you! Not now. She couldn't start having an argument with herself now, whatever she said or did she would have to go through with it. No second thoughts, only dedication. She needed to keep talking. "Why here?" It was meant to keep Sayori speaking, but Monika was admittedly curious why she would choose this when she already knew from experience that Sayori had access to rope at home. Was it because the threat of her parents stopping her existed in this world?

"I uh, I wasn't going to do it here. Not originally, I was going to go home and..." Sayori sighed and took a second to recompose, clearly finding the words hard to say out loud. "I didn't want to leave a mess, if uh, if that makes sense. I didn't want anyone to have to see my... my selfishness." She spat the last word with such contempt that Monika was almost surprised it had come from her mouth. "I've spent every waking moment burdening and wasting, and I didn't want to leave a nasty sight in a place like my house where my parents live, or... or at school. I didn't want to be a burden even after I was gone, so I thought I could just- I don't know, disappear into the river and nobody would have to know. B-but..." Her voice trailed off into a sniffle, and Monika turned to look up at her.

Sayori's face had scrunched up and tears dripped off of her nose, slipping down to meet the river as her hands fell limply by her side. Her body shook gently as she let out choked sob after sob and for a moment Monika feared her legs might buckle, but instead she turned to look down at Monika, and their eyes met for the first time since Saturday.

"Is it wrong?" She asked. "Is it wrong to want someone to know?" And that question alone seemed to be the final straw that broke Monika. Tears began to spill down her own cheeks and within seconds both girls were quietly weeping above the roar of the river, with Monika shaking her head in response. Of course it wasn't wrong to want to be missed, but those words were dripped in hesitation and Monika knew she had a chance. She grabbed at the collar of her jacket and began to unbutton it before she even realized what she was doing. Sayori didn't seem to catch on until Monika had laid her blazer down and was sliding out of her slippers when Sayori asked, "What are you doing, Monika stop-" But Monika didn't bother speaking. Instead she heaved herself onto the cement barrier and stood beside her friend as she held her own arms out to remain steady.

"I've run away from you too many times." Monika stated simply, wiping the snot and tears out from her face. "Not here. We just keep on running into each other, don't we? Whenever one of us is suffering the other always seems to show up. It's... it's not haha funny, but it is strange isn't it? And I think I'm starting to understand why, maybe." She knew Sayori was probably looking at her, but for some reason the woods and the kudzu kept her attention as she balanced. This is my second chance, isn't it? "I think I'm supposed to be here, for you. So... wherever you go, that's where I'm going. If you jump, I'm jumping." It probably came out as an attempt to peer pressure Sayori into backing down, to guilt her by putting Monika's own life in her hands. And maybe she was to a degree, but she had come out this way with the expectation of not surviving, all that had changed was the manner in which she did so.

"Monika don't... don't tie yourself to me like that, not when I'm already dead weight." Sayori begged. "Please, please I wanted to help you so bad Moni. I hated seeing you suffer and I really wanted to do something, and you wouldn't let me and so I-I thought I could help you from a distance, but then... I ruined the festival." Her hand rose up to her face as she tried to cover the tears, eventually running her hand through her bedhead. "You worked so hard and I messed it up, God I tried to tell you about my plan to, you know, pay Natsuki on Thursday but then Himari showed up and I just... I ran. I ran and I ended up bringing her to festival because I had already asked her out and now Nat is gone, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't you dare." Monika interrupted, her voice firm. Perhaps too firm, she had to step it back. "Don't you dare throw yourself off of this bridge for my sake." After everything that Monika had done, Sayori had still only thought of helping her. She blamed herself for the festival when in reality Monika had brought the snake into their den, and she still had the nerve to call herself selfish. Monika had been nothing but selfish, but in this moment she didn't think about ending her pain at all, her only concern was Sayori. Just Sayori.

"It's not just that!" Sayori cried out. "Everyone knows t-that I'm depressed and that I like girls too, it's just going to get harder and everyone in the club is going to see me differently. They're going to spend all their time wondering if I'm checking them out or if I'm really happy or not, and- oh god, my p-parents are going to find out!" Sayori broke down into a series of small sobs filled with soft utterances of not wanting things to change before speaking again. "It'd just... be easier, for me and for everyone, you know? The sun would finally come back out for everyone, and there wouldn't be as many rainclouds." She looked so hopeful as she spoke, as if she genuinely believed her death would make everyone happy again. It made Monika's heart hurt even more so.

"Not for me. Not for Natsuki and Yuri." Monika made sure to put as much conviction as she could into her words, hoping beyond hope they would reach the girl standing beside her. She didn't even know if she could, perhaps this was all set and stone and Monika was pushing against a tide that was preordained to strike. But she knew she had to do what she did best; change the story. She had to reach her somehow, no matter what it took she had to ensure that Sayori lived through this or Monika died trying. Sayori had paused to think after Monika had spoken, and now those puffy bloodshot eyes wouldn't reach her own.

"I don't... I don't want to die." Sayori admitted. "I don't want to give up, not on life and not on you I just... I don't know if I can handle what comes next when it seems like everyday it gets worse and I'm just not enough, I'm just worthless. I don't want to give up, please believe me Moni I really don't..." Monika could tell that Sayori was about to break down again by the way her voice was cracking, and she tried to think of what to do or what to say. Nothing profound came to mind, and with the two of them standing on the precipice of death there wasn't much that Monika could.

Just move your hand, write the way into her heart. Slowly so as to not startle her, Monika gently moved her hand over until it met Sayori's and she held it tight. Despite the cool autumn air the feeling of her skin against hers was warm, quivering and wet with tears, but warmer and more alive than anything she had ever felt before.

"Then don't." She urged, managing a weak but genuine smile. Sayori turned to look at her and within those orbs of blue Monika saw so many things; she could see hopelessness, pain, inferiority, but above all she saw the one thing she needed to see. She saw trust. In that moment as their eyes met Monika didn't feel like an anomaly. She didn't feel like a monster who had instigated the deaths of her closest friends, like a freak who had lost her mind at the horrid realization of her existence and had been stuck into an entire new simulation. She felt like Monika, the star student with a love for literature and the liberal arts who started a club with a silly girl that happened upon her while she was napping. A silly girl that despite her fears and guilt-ridden history with, she absolutely did not want to see die again.

For the first time that morning, Monika felt like she was making progress. Not just with Sayori, but with her entire life. This felt right, ensuring that Sayori didn't suffer another terrible fate at her hands, it felt like she was fulfilling a purpose beyond doing schoolwork and festival prep. The weak but trusting smile that Sayori gave her told her that she was at least in the right direction, maybe with a bit of gentle coaxing she could even convince Sayori to step down off of the bridge with her. She didn't know what would come after that part, she hadn't thought anything out beyond making sure her next sentence was always the right one, but she knew whatever happened she wouldn't let go of Sayori's hand until she was safe.

Sayori opened her mouth to speak, possibly to ask something silly like if it was really okay for her to live, but her voice never left her lips. There was a sudden blaring noise from behind the both of them, a sharp Honk that made Monika jump followed by hoots of laughter and she jerked her head to see that a passing car filled with students drove by. Their looks of callous cheer and devious laughter made Monika seethe with anger that she thought she had left behind on the school rooftop, but their faces quickly fell as Monika felt Sayori's hand slip out of her own. Time seemed to slow to a tortuous speed as she turned back around, praying beyond hope that it wasn't for the reason she feared it was.

She couldn't tell if the students' little prank had been the final push to Sayori's decision, or if the sudden sound of their car horn had surprised her so much that it had thrown her off balance. It didn't matter in the end, whether she had jumped or if she fell. What did matter was that Monika saw Sayori's terrified eyes staring into her own as she watched her friend flail in the air helplessly. The last thing she saw before the river swallowed her friend was Sayori's hand outstretched towards Monika's own. Survival instincts, or a final exclamation that she did not want to die? Monika did not wait for an answer that wouldn't come, she had come to terms with the fact that she might not walk back from this bridge, and that she had nothing to lose. Nothing except Sayori.

With a kick off of the railing, Monika leaped into the air and plunged into the swirling river below.

End of Act I