The ticking of the clock grew louder with each passing second. Like a drum, it rattled. My head had quieted, but I didn't sleep. I just stared at the wall from my position on the floor. How much time had passed? It was still dark out.

The melancholic silence of the apartment was momentarily broken by a sliding door opening.

Rustling.

Footsteps.

A sigh.

More footsteps.

Right next to me.

A blanket draped over my side. The room went quiet again.

"...wh-"

"You came to help me when I was feeling like crap…" Asuka slipped underneath the blanket, softly pressing her back against mine. "I just hate being in debt. That's all."

I was confused, but I was still too exhausted to bother with questioning her. After a little while, she started again.

"I don't have any advice for you, but leaving you on the floor alone like that just made me feel terrible. So, I'm just here to make myself feel better, for not leaving a stupid guy like you to cry on a kitchen floor alone all night…" She trailed off slightly before speaking again, far more gently this time, like a whisper. "...and, I guess, I'm listening, if you want to say anything."

My breath caught in my chest. This is your last chance. The final stop. You pass this opportunity up, you welcome yourself back into that empty life. You can't honestly want that, can you? To walk through life without a single care, allowing everything to burn around you? Asuka's offering you her hand!

So speak!

Speak!

Speak, damn you! Open your mouth and say words! Spill it all! Do something, you useless sack of shit!

…

...

"I hate myself..."

As soon as those words left my mouth, it felt like they poked a pinhole through the void in front of me. I swallowed hard and forced myself to say more.

"I lost everything 15 years ago. Since then, it doesn't even feel like I've been a person. I hate myself for being stuck in the past, and for so long, I didn't even realize anything was wrong with it." I pulled the blanket up to my chin. "When the world took away the people I needed most, what reason did I have to even move on? It was easier for me to just keep my eyes closed at that point."

Asuka was silent. Maybe I was talking too much, or maybe this is what she intended to hear. Was it alright for me to put everything on her like this? I continued, unabashedly.

"After the Second Impact, people needed a place to put blame. Not because anyone in particular was guilty, but because that was human nature. Fighting broke out, everything escalated so quickly, and before anyone could even figure out what the hell had happened…" I swallowed again, still struggling with the reality of my life, and that day. My jaw clenched.

I sat up, running a hand over my face. After taking a few deeper breaths, I slowly told her my story.

I remembered sitting with friends. Was I at school? Or somewhere else? I didn't have the specifics, not anymore. I remember the news was on, and there were adults around, watching it. That was my first memory of that day.

As a child, you don't really have any understanding of the world's workings. Duh, right? I was only 7 years old. I didn't know what the Second Impact affected, I didn't know why there were gunfights and dead people on my TV channels, I didn't know anything. How could I? I was just a kid.

I looked up to my brother, Tatsumi. He was almost 16 at the time. He was my hero, he had cool friends, and wore cool clothes. He always ruffled my hair. I wanted to be just like him, to have a smile as clear and genuine as his. Whenever I was hanging out with him, he'd try to explain things to me about the world. About life. He cared about me. Though, when it came to the Second Impact. He didn't have any words, at least none for me. Looking back, I think I understood why he didn't try to explain anything about it. Where would you start, talking to a kid like I was? We didn't even have the whole story, so…

My father was a doctor, a general practitioner, and a quite notable one in the district I grew up in. My mother didn't work, she had three kids to look after, and father made enough money to keep us all afloat. We got to eat meals together every day. I can remember those peaceful times, when everything was warm and bright. I had an older brother, who was the coolest guy I had ever seen, and an adorable little sister who followed us everywhere on her hands and knees. Was that the last time I was truly happy? 15 years? It felt ludicrous to even consider, surely there were times…? However, I conceded that it was the truth.

That day, sitting amongst my friends, even though the signs were all around me, I didn't know what was about to happen. It all came up so fast. Sirens blaring, police on loudspeakers calling people to get to muster stations, friends around me being carted off in all directions, screams. I sat there, perplexed.

Tatsumi. He came for me. He was on his bicycle, a one I rode on with him endless times before. On school nights, going up and down the road our house was on, seeing the streetlights flick by, and hearing mother calling for us. But the bicycle felt different now. He said something to me about needing to get away from the city. I remember holding onto him as the bike sped down the backroads, looking desperately for father's van. The noises were so loud, and Tatsumi was breathing hard. He was trying so desperately to get us both out of there, somehow. Maybe he would've pushed himself far enough to leave the city with just me, given half a chance.

Ultimately, we ran out of time. That's all it was…

We found our father's van. They had been searching for us just as we were them. My father was not an angry man, but this time, this one time, I saw him furious. He tossed Tatsumi's bike onto the pavement and threw us both in the backseat. He argued with Tatsumi loudly while driving. My head was a swirl. It was like no one cared that his bike had been discarded so haphazardly. Were we going to pick it back up later? Where were we going?

I remember the sea of people, pushing over one another to get into the safety elevators. They led to the underground emergency bunkers across the city. The military was there, but it was chaotic. My parents argued as we tried pushing through. I was holding Tatsumi's hand.

...and then I wasn't. He was gone. My mother was gone. Drowned in the sea of people, swishing and swirling around me like a typhoon. In desperation, my father lifted his two remaining children, myself and Suzue, onto his shoulders. As he pushed his way through to the front of the ravenous crowd, he yelled for someone to listen to him. For someone to take his young children to safety.

A young soldier, maybe not even a decade my brother's senior, stood on the platform, looking out into the crowd. I forget his name, but he grew up on our street. He recognized my father. There wasn't enough room in this bunker, and the soldiers had to start closing everything up, else it'd all be for nothing. That's what he relayed to my father. However, it was followed by an act of supreme kindness. The young man reached over the railing and grabbed my sister and I by our collars. He ran with us to the elevator.

The last look on my father's face. A smile.

I screamed and screamed. Well after the elevator sank into the earth, and although my voice had stopped screaming, inside that's all I could do. Even though I gripped Suzue's hand tightly, the entire time we were underground, I was still alone. Alone with my thoughts, my screams.

The bomb fell. Tokyo was gone. My home was gone. My parents were gone. Tatsumi was gone.

When we emerged, I soaked in every sight. Every horrible sight. I held them close. They were all I had left of that time. I wanted to remember it. I even wanted to be angry, but the anger didn't come. I couldn't be angry, because I didn't understand.

That… That was when I closed myself off to the world. It had to've been, right? But…

I still had Suzue. I can remember wanting to keep her close, so when… When the hell did I leave her behind? When did I consider her not worth my time? What's missing!?

What…

"I can't remember…"

Asuka sat up slightly. "What do you mean you can't remember?"

I scratched my head. There was no memory there. That one part of my life, crossed over by black marker in my mind. "That memory is just gone… what happened after we left Tokyo…"

Her face scrunched up as she tried to recall something. "Um… well, when did you stay with your uncle?"

...my uncle.

"I… Right, that had to've happened…"

"Are you serious? You've mentioned staying with him to me a couple times."

"...of course. My uncle."

There was something. Something deep down inside. I had to dig.

Asuka was quiet, just watching me think. I could feel tears start again. There was so much frustration there, wherever it was in my head. I just had to open it up.

I just had to tear it open.

We were sent to live with my uncle's family afterwards. We had to go across the island, to Hyogo Ward in Kobe. Wataru Hatsuyuki. He had a wife, and two sons who had grown up and moved out. He was my father's older brother. My uncle worked as a CEO of a vehicle manufacturing company, which usually led to him being overseas on business for long periods of time. At the time, however, his job was effectively put on hold, due to the state of the world. He was irritable, and now he had two children thrust into his life.

He didn't bother me at first, but time went on. With time, came healing. Just not for me. Suzue really took to our aunt Eriko, and she to her. I heard my aunt say on more than one occasion that she had always wanted a daughter. At some point, Suzue even dyed her dark brown hair to be the same blonde that my aunt wore. Years were passing, the world was healing, little by little. But my world was still in pieces.

Of course I wasn't going to work like he wanted me to. I had just lost everything. I spent the first few months after I had arrived just sitting on the floor of the spare room he gave me, staring at the wall. My brain couldn't process everything that had happened. I just sat there. Numb.

He called me useless. He was right. He got physical with me too, in order to make me move. To make me do something. It took almost an entire year before I started doing things around the house.

It was about 4 years later that aunt Eriko left him. Suzue was then the same age that I was when everything had happened, 7. I stayed home from school a lot to take care of the house, since uncle Wataru's new job as a truck driver meant he'd be gone from home even more often than his CEO job. The company he was initially with went under during the harsher times, leaving him with that as his only back-up. He was always a smoker, the house smelled like it constantly, but he was drinking heavily then too. At least he never had a reason to hit Suzue, she was a model daughter, but I was just a "slacker". I received his drunken lashings when we were home, but I endured. I was still useless, but if he hit me, he'd never have a reason to hit Suzue. That's all that mattered to me.

But then, one day. Everything changed. Like a switch being flipped.

She betrayed me.

The last person I had left in the world betrayed me.

I hated her.

So much, with a burning passion, I hated her.

How dare she look at me with those sweet, innocent eyes and ask me who "they" were. She didn't really know anyone named Tatsumi, she said. They were your family. OUR family. They died so we could live. How dare she. How dare she…

I left shortly after. Just put a note on the counter, packed my things into a bag, and left. I didn't care what happened to her anymore. She would never understand what they meant to me.

I took odd jobs, I slept on the street. I existed but little else. An old man asked me one day why I wasn't in school, so I started working harder and harder, since school was probably something I should be doing, I guessed. I lived frugally. I stayed with an employer for a summer as I worked, and afterwards he offered to pay for schooling if I wanted it. I took his offer. I went to school. I was always good with computers, so I did computer science courses. I was coaxed into going into the teaching field as well. Then I graduated, and got a job at NERV as a parting gift from an instructor.

That was everything. NERV was the closest thing I could get to a dream job, so I lucked out there. I was fighting to prevent another catastrophe.

For 15 years, however, I was empty.

I lay back on the cold tiles of the kitchen, my mouth dry as a bone from talking, my eyes aching from the tears I had run out of hours ago. The sun was starting to rise. Asuka sat with her back against the cupboards, her knees pulled up to her chin.

"I abandoned her, Asuka."

She said nothing.

"I threw her away like she was trash. But what could I do? Tatsumi was my hero, and then he was gone, my parents with him. She didn't even really get to meet them. How could I blame her like that, she didn't know..." I sobbed. "I've not done a single thing with this life worthy of my parents, worthy of Tatsumi. I threw away Suzue, I left my uncle when he needed stability, I let other people choose my path in life. I understand now. I'm worthless. That's why I hate myself."

The kitchen returned to its quietness once more, only the sound of the ticking clock cutting through.

We stayed there like that for a while. All my memories were sloshing around in my head. It hurt, but… oddly, something felt different. The pain wasn't like before. It felt softer, clearer in purpose, like I had been trying to use a muscle that had been neglected. Was that enough? Just unearthing my troubles to this girl I barely knew?

Could that open my eyes?

...

"So what are you going to do now?"

I sat up slowly, examining the stern face of the girl next to me. "Wh… What do you mean?"

She exhaled heavily. "Are you really that much of an idiot!? What are you going to do now that you've spilled everything you had inside?"

I pondered that question.

"Are you just going to crash again? Or are you going to fight?"

"...fight?"

Asuka stood up. "Yes! Fight! Do the things that would make your parents proud, or whatever! Become someone that Tatsumi would be able to look up to! You're a coward if you just say things like "it's too late" or "what's the point"!" She grabbed me by my collar and pulled me an inch away from her face. "You don't get to just throw all that out there only to crawl back in your hole like a selfish jerk, mister! I won't let you!"

"Wh-"

"So say it. Tell me what you want to do." She let me slump back onto the floor. Her hands moved to her hips. She looked down at me. I felt so small on that floor.

But the void was gone.

I breathed in deeply, and then out. She was… right? How could I look at everything I had told her, everything that led up to this, and say I'm still worthless? I got this far with my eyes closed. Who's to say I can't do twice as good a job with them open?

I stood up. I nearly lost my balance, but I grabbed onto the table for support. I clenched my jaw again.

I couldn't go back. Not to how things were. If I did, I really would be trash. I can't do that anymore. I can't feel sorry for myself, enveloping my world in recounting missed opportunities and emotional mistakes. I'll never grow that way. I'd be dead long before my body dies.

Asuka was still here. She was still with me. Even if my sister never speaks to me again. Even if I can never live up to my parent's wishes, or Tatsumi's spirit. As long as I could step forward, as long as I could rely on Asuka for support, and TRY, then maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to do something. I wasn't going to risk ruining this again. I needed to make some sort of difference, whatever it had to be!

"...I'll fight." My voice came out as a whisper.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

I took a deep breath.

"I'LL FIGHT! I'LL FIGHT, I'LL FIGHT!" My eyes were all cried out, my throat was raw, but I kept going. "I'll fight. I'll fight for my parents, I'll fight for Tatsumi, I'll fight for Suzue, I'll fight for the life I was given, and I'll make things right!"

Asuka started a smug smile, flicking her hair back. "Now that's what I wanted to h-"

I quickly grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her close to my chest, hugging her tight. "You're still here, Asuka, and I want to keep it that way, so I'll fight for you too."

A couple seconds passed before she pushed me away from her, her cheeks beet red. "O-Okay, okay, I get it. You're going to fight." Asuka cleared her throat and went back to the classic smug smile I interrupted. "I guess I'll just have to keep an eye on you to make sure you don't trip up again, huh? I sure have my work cut out, but nothing I can't handle."

I laughed. I laughed hard. So hard I really did lose my balance and toppled to the blanketed floor.

"Wh-Why are you laughing! I was serious!"

The laughing mostly subsided, just enough for me to get a response out. "N-No, I'm not laughing at you. I'm just laughing at myself."

"...huh?"

"For being such an idiot, for so long. Bottling all that up, letting it devour me. It's just…. Funny, how I let that happen."

She sighed and sat down beside me on the blanket.

"You're still an idiot, but…" She coughed slightly. "I guess we're stuck with each other, huh?"

"...yeah. Thank you, Asuka. For being here, I mean."

She looked at me perplexed, the redness in her cheeks still being present from earlier, before giving a short, exhausted groan. "...I'm going to bed."

Asuka stood back up, stretching her arms above her head, walking towards the hallway. But then she spun on her heel. "Oh, right, I almost forgot..."

Walking back over to me on the floor, she put on the biggest grin I had ever seen, as her hand came down and ruffled my hair.

"You did a good job, Matsuo. I'm proud of you."

She made it sound as cheesy as possible, but I didn't care.

It made me smile the most genuine smile I had given in… well, forever.

It was a smile I'm sure Tatsumi could've been proud of.