Chapter 7: The Wolf of the Literature Club
A chapter of self-realization and promises that aren't meant to be heard.
Act II - Healing
Cold and empty, the void had welcomed Monika back with open arms. The warmth of the sun peeking through the moss and tree limbs, the security of the cement beneath her stockings, they had all faded into memory yet again. Those things did not exist anymore for one as lost as her, and as she looked upon the haziness of nonexistence surrounding her she knew she had failed. Death, as it turned out, only led back to where she had been left before, the empty chasm that would produce no light, no sound, and no feeling. Monika had failed again and her punishment for dying was to return to the place where her only friends were her thoughts, thoughts and wishes that were never meant to come true no matter how hard pleaded otherwise. She could not scream for she had no mouth, her body and form had been deleted again, and all that was awaiting her was her own conjured pit of misery and regret.
Oblivion had never felt so cold, so lonely, so unbelievably wet. Wet? The void wasn't supposed to be wet, it wasn't supposed to be anything. Something large and hard crashed into her side as she tumbled through the nothingness, and the fact that there was anything to crash into her at all clashed with everything she knew about having her file be deleted. Her senses were still useless, there was nothing to see and neither her voice nor her hearing seemed to exist and yet her hands clipped through the void. Like passing through a curtain of glass, Monika forced her weary limbs to follow the vague direction of her hands and in mere seconds the void was yanked out from beneath her feet and the feeling of air and sound reached her once again.
Monika coughed and sputtered, gasping for air as she surfaced above the roaring river water that tossed her to and fro. Her hair sat flat against her face, blocking her vision as she flailed in a desperate attempt to stop herself from being taken further downstream. What little breath she had managed to gather was suddenly yanked from her chest as she collided into another large mysterious object, and though she clawed frantically at whatever had momentarily stopped her descent, the slickness of it was simply too much for her to grip as she sailed further down the river. Monika managed to spare her hand just long enough to brush her bangs aside, and was greeted with the sight of the rushing water before her. Several large rocks protruded from the rapids along with what looked to be fallen logs and debris from the recent weather, creating a twisted path of obstacles with no escape on either side.
There was no time to stop and think as the water suddenly pulled her under again as she flowed beneath the roots of an overhanging tree, and Monika reached up in a blind attempt to stop herself from sinking once again. She wasn't sure she would get lucky enough to emerge a second time. She felt the fingers of her right hand slip against the bark, but her left held firm and with a bit of effort she was able to pull her head above the water. She took a moment to capture her breath again, and through the clouded mist of her mind she was able to focus her energy into two single objectives. Survive. Find Sayori. Everything else seemed to flow around her brain much like the current flowed around her half submerged body, and she began to scan the river while her strength held out. A quick look back the way she had come down showed only foliage and crags, and the way forward was muddled with rapids and natural debris that forced her to scan the area several times over.
There! The flash of a russet colored sweater and skin slipped downstream and out of sight behind a rock towards the far right side of the river, and Monika felt her heart soar and tear at the same time.
"Say! Sayor-" Monika cried out just as her grip gave out, and the only answer was the river's roar. Sayori had vanished just as Monika submerged but at least now she had a destination. She let the current carry her while constantly stretching her neck to remain above the water. Did she know how to swim? She would have to learn here and now if not. She knew she couldn't afford to hesitate, every second she waited to think or second-guess was another second that carried Sayori further away. A second that Sayori might not have. Monika watched as the current began to carry her straight towards another boulder cropping out of the water and steeled herself; every obstacle risked slowing her down, submerging her, or even worse knocking her unconscious if she wasn't careful.
Don't slow down, speed up. Get to the other side. Just swim! Monika couldn't remember if she had ever swam in something as intense as a churning river, but in the back of her mind she was able to draw images, images and memories of doing relay races in a school swimming pool long before she saw the hole in the wall. She folded her knees and leaned back until her knees rose above the water, and just as she felt her feet press against the smooth rocky surface she launched herself off of it and veered right. The push of the current far outweighed any momentum Monika could generate, but it was enough to at least begin her transition to the other side of the river. As much as she knew she had to keep her speed if she wanted to catch up to Sayori, there was also the conservation of energy she had to take into account. Tiring herself out would only assure that she would drown, but losing sight of Sayori was hardly a better option and so Monika forced whatever thought processes she could into timing various pushes and leaning diagonally to let the water curve her path.
Monika made sure to hold deep breaths as the river carried her, even if she didn't fully remember how to swim she knew keeping oxygen in her body would at least keep her somewhat buoyant. It was only after she slid over a jagged rock that jutted out of a small riffle that she caught sight of Sayori again, her limp form hanging haphazardly in the water from a log that had caught against her vest. Monika almost felt something akin to relief burn within her until she saw that Sayori was almost completely facedown, and all of her relief turned into unprecedented fear.
Don't freeze, not now. Swim. Muscle memory, Monika. Arms. Float. Now. Her arms paddled without end now that it seemed an imaginary clock ticked against her. How long had Sayori been face down? Was she even alive? Monika had survived so surely Sayori could survive too, wasn't that the logical way of things? It wasn't long before Monika pushed herself off of another rock and found herself reaching the log Sayori unintentionally clung to. She could see her, almost reach out to her even, and then everything would be okay. Only a few feet kept them apart as Monika swung her hand down to grab ahold of Sayori's vest, but her momentum had not lasted quite as long as she had hoped and instead her hand plunged into icy water. No! She was going to flow past Sayori and lose her, and by the time Monika would be able to make it back upstream she knew there would be no point. She struggled, flailing wildly and hopelessly until her hand wrapped around something rough and strong enough that her descent stopped and the river flowed around her.
She was at the end of the log now, her hand tightly clenching a snapped limb that stuck out from it. Monika knew there was no time to rest from her feeble success, and as she glanced up at Sayori still mostly submerged at the front of the fallen tree she tried to think of a way to reach her without risking the river washing her away. Her eyes searched frantically for something to help stabilize herself, finally settling on the other limbs that were attached to the log. Most of them had long snapped away leaving only little stubs and pegs, but Monika didn't have the time to test each of their strength. If they broke under her weight as she used them to pull herself against the current, she would simply have to find another way. She gave the first one a slight tug to ensure she would not be dragged away before she began, and with a grunt of effort she reached for the other.
Monika hadn't realized how strong the river was until she forcefully tried to move upstream, every movement was agonizingly slow and seemed to consume a massive amount of energy, but she refused to give in. Stump by stump, limb by limb she pulled herself forward until her body jolted at a sudden cracking noise. She reacted before she could think, kicking her feet forward and lunging blindly for the next peg as the one she had been grasping gave way. She took only a second to catch her breath before continuing the process and grabbing at the next limb, the newfound pain that seared her right hand fading into nothing. Once Monika reached the tip of the log and could finally make a grab at Sayori she immediately began to tug and pull at her shoulders, but Sayori would not budge against the current. Monika's eyes honed in on the limb that had caught Sayori's vest and with all of her effort she thrusted at the clinging piece of cloth, finally releasing the girl from the log as the river began to carry her downstream. But Monika wasn't about to let her slip out of her fingers yet again, she pressed her feet against the log and kicked off for a final time.
One arm reached around Sayori's waist, awkwardly turning her around so as to keep her face from the water as Monika paddled with her free arm and legs. Paddling was effective, she had found, though it was physically taxing. The river was reaching a calmer spot now with less rapids and rocks, allowing her to swim consistently without the current dragging them too far. The side of the river that they had come from offered no form of respite with the trees and brush too thick and too high to grab from the water, while back on the left side Monika could see what looked to be a small bank in the pool that sat beneath a tall cement wall covered in moss and vines. Desperate to get the both of them out of the water, Monika put all of her effort into kicking them in the bank's direction. It was mind boggling to Monika how peaceful everything seemed now that they had left the rapids, with only the gentle flow of Monika wading them through the water and the sound of wind brushing through the dense greenery to break the silence.
They had reached the halfway point of the pool when Monika began to feel herself sink beneath the surface again. Paddling was taking its toll. No, not now! C'mon, just keep your head above water, not here! Her breathing had become more and more labored and without Sayori able to properly float in the water Monika could only paddle as fast as she could as the both of them slowly submerged. They were going to drown if Monika didn't think of something, and so in a final act of desperation Monika released all of the air from her lungs just as their heads sank beneath the surface. Monika held Sayori tight to her and prayed to whatever higher power existed that she would have enough energy once they reached the bottom, and as her feet met the rocky mud slope below she pushed with all of her might, step by step. She had no air, and each step against the incline only sapped her even more. She was going to drown. She was going to drown and Sayori was going to drown with her.
Monika's head broke the surface just as her thoughts had started to become frantic, and with a massive gasp of air she laid Sayori down in the gravel and dirt, coughing and spitting the surprising amount of water she held in her own lungs before collapsing beside Sayori. Who would have thought that mud and pebbles could have felt so comfortable? Monika wanted nothing more than to close her eyes then and there, to fall asleep and possibly never wake up. She had succeeded, she had survived and saved Sayori and now everything was going to be okay now. It didn't matter that Monika couldn't feel certain parts of her body, or that she had no idea how they were going to get out of the river proper, all that mattered was she had done what she was meant to. So why did she still have a niggling feeling telling her she wasn't done yet? She looked over to check on Sayori, but as soon as she did her heart stopped.
Sayori lay only a few feet away, her head turned limply towards Monika with half-lidded eyes. Her two-toned night shirt was soaked completely through and mud streaked down her shorts to where her right foot sat twisted in a position that Monika knew was not natural. A trickle of blood pooled out from beneath her head, staining the rocks and being carried away by the water that lapped onto the bank. Though she was no longer submerged the feeling of being unable to properly breathe took hold of Monika again and she quickly shut her eyes, shaking her head and scrambling away from the corpse.
No no, no stop it I did good this time! Stop it, please, I saved her she's not dead she's not dead! When Monika opened her eyes Sayori still lay before her, but her eyes were now closed and instead of her pajamas she wore her dress shirt and vest while her skirt clung to her legs. Her ankle was still bent awkwardly and the blood remained however, and so Monika closed her eyes again trying to regulate her breathing as she desperately wished to just see Sayori peacefully asleep beside her, but when she looked back she was in her nightwear again and the blood was now beneath her head and coated on her fingers. Even Monika's hand was covered in blood, or perhaps it always had been?
"S-stop.." Monika begged softly, but the vision had already turned back to Sayori in her school clothes. Monika's breathing wouldn't slow and she had no idea how to calm herself down, but she couldn't faint or pass out here. It was only when she noticed her own uncontrollable breathing patterns that she noticed Sayori had none. Neither Sayori was breathing, and what little color Monika had gained from getting them ashore quickly faded. Her knees skidded along the gravel as she knelt beside Sayori and placed the heel of her palms over Sayori's chest and began to compress in. Somehow her own breath had begun to stabilize during this time, and the Sayori beneath her remained in her uniform throughout her presses, but still her friend did not breathe.
Not here, not after everything I went through to save you dammit. "C'mon Say, breathe you stupid goofball. Breathe!" Monika had not once ever considered CPR training to be something she might need with how her life had been before, and though she was not certified by any stretch of the imagination with no immediate access to medical help and her phone back on the bridge she knew that she would have no choice but to try. Tilting Sayori's head back she cupped her chin with one hand and pinched her nose with the other before pressing her lips against Sayori's and releasing a breath into her mouth. Nothing.
I have so much I need to apologize for. Tilting. Breathing. Nothing. Monika could feel tears forming in her eyes as the results of her failure slowly became apparent, and as she readjusted herself to attempt her chest compressions again she felt the hollowness of despair begin to numb her body. Monika did not fear dying but failure was something she simply could not accept here or in any world, and yet the biggest failure of her entire life sat before her unmoving, unresponsive, and unbreathing. Monika wondered how long she had been gone, perhaps she had never even felt the water's grasp around her and it had been a quick and painless death. To think the only justice she could offer the poor girl was a quick death and being found just as she asked, it was too much for Monika to bear. She couldn't even see Sayori anymore behind the wall of tears flooding her eyes and in her throat she could hear the subtle whimpers of her voice begin to form a small wail. When pressing produced nothing she brought her lips over Sayori's once more and blew.
A sudden gasping and gurgle startled Monika so bad that she stumbled backwards into the water with a splash, but her surprise quickly turned to utter joy as she looked up and saw Sayori twisted onto her side, coughing and retching into the mud. Monika spat the backwashed river water out and crawled over to her, laying a hand on her back to help ease her friend's distress but by the time she managed to Sayori had already coughed up most of the water and was now looking up at Monika with glassy eyes. The way those orbs of blue gazed up at her so absently, Monika wasn't even convinced that Sayori recognized her. When she spoke her voice came out as a croak, raspy and faint as though she had been smoking packs of cigarettes as opposed to nearly drowning.
"Hey... you." Sayori gasped.
"Hey yourself." Monika held her hand beneath her friend's head to ensure her airflow was still sufficient, but she couldn't stop smiling. She felt like an idiot grinning at someone so injured and near death, but she just couldn't help it; she had done something good. Sayori coughed again and after a few short breaths her eyes began to close.
"Don't let... can't t-tell..." Sayori murmured before drifting off in Monika's arms. Fear gripped Monika and at first she thought Sayori was succumbing to her wounds then and there, but the sight of her chest steadily rising and falling was all the reassurance she needed as she gently set Sayori back down, but not before noticing the pool of blood that had formed on the rocks beneath where Sayori's head had been. Monika looked at her own hand to see a splotch of blood splattering her left palm and with a bolt of panic surging her into action she tilted Sayori's head for a better view, careful not to restrict her breathing. Sure enough a gash ran down the back of her head, a small trickle of blood running down her neck and down her shoulders. Monika silently cursed herself for not realizing the blood hadn't been a part of the hallucination sooner and quickly began to search for something to bind the wound.
The small riverbank offered little and Monika knew she was already strapped for time, so she did the first thing that came to mind and grabbed the sharpest rock she could find on the bank and tucked her left arm into her sleeve. After nearly a minute of pushing and slicing, Monika was able to cut her dress shirt at the shoulder and quickly wrapped the severed sleeve around Sayori's head wound. The cotton would likely do a decent job at soaking the blood, but Monika was far more concerned about keeping enough pressure to staunch the wound without risking further injury to Sayori's head. Once she was satisfied with her makeshift bandage, Monika began to attempt various methods of carrying Sayori as it was obvious from her lack of consciousness and likely broken ankle that she wouldn't be leaving the bank unaided.
How she would get the two of them out of the river, Monika didn't know yet. Five minutes prior Monika had no doubt she could have scaled the mossy wall leading up to what she suspected to be a stretch of road or highway, if the sounds of cars whizzing by in the distance was anything to go by. The rush of adrenaline that she had felt surge through her while in the water however was beginning to fade, she could tell by the way her entire body was starting to ache from utter exhaustion that hadn't been present prior. Her right hand, her thigh, and her sides in-particular seemed to sting far more than the rest of her body, but there was no time to worry about herself. She had just managed to lift Sayori in a fireman's carry without losing her balance when a voice shook her from her focus.
"Monika, is that you? T-thank goodness I found you! Are you okay down... o-oh my God, Sayori!" Monika looked up in surprise at the flowing violet hair that hung over the top mossy slope. For some reason she couldn't fully comprehend, Yuri was staring down at the two of them with a look of horror and alarm and for a second Monika feared she might be hallucinating again. There was no way Yuri was here as well, what were the odds of her clubmate stumbling upon their location? After a few blinks and shaking her head a bit, Monika deduced that the Yuri staring down at the two of them was indeed not a product of her warped psyche and called up to her in relief.
"Yuri? Yuri! Thank God, I really... Yuri, Sayori's injured and I can't- I can't get up." Climbing the wall in her current state was almost impossible, especially with Sayori hanging limply over her shoulder, and Monika refused to subject either of them to the river again. Maybe if she were awake she could reach Yuri... but there was no use in pondering the what ifs, she needed to find a way up and fast. "Is there any other way up there? I-I don't how long she has." She spilled out, her franticness clashing with her exhaustion. Yuri's eyes widened as she realized Monika was asking for her help and she quickly raised her head from left to right, hesitation littered on her face until she pointed further down the bank.
"T-there! I believe the embankment is far less steep over there from the look of it, and you should be able to reach the road if you can get through the brush. I-I shall call the paramedics, and meet you over there!" With a final frightened but determined look Yuri vanished back behind the top of the wall, leaving Monika alone once again. Taking one last check to make sure Sayori's makeshift bandage was snug, she began to trudge across the river bank and into the brush. The mass of trees and bushes had blocked most of Monika's view beyond the tree line, but Yuri hadn't failed her in spotting the slope that led up and away from the river. She trudged through the branches and climbed over the logs all while making sure not to accidentally bump Sayori as they ascended. Each breath winded her, and each step seemed to bring about a new stab of pain, and the weight of their soaked clothes only caused her to stumble every few steps, but they were going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay so long as she kept moving.
Monika hadn't even realized she had reached the road and in turn Yuri until she was practically collapsing atop of the girl. Yuri quietly ushered them over to her silver hatchback that was parked only a few feet down along the side of the road, lowering the backseats and propping her schoolbag up to elevate Sayori's head as the two of them gently laid the unconscious girl in the back with the hatch left open. Monika could see the panic and anxiety in Yuri just from her movements, the way she continually moved her fingers and looked around it was obvious that she wasn't taking the sudden injuries of her friends very well, which wasn't an unfair reaction. But Monika didn't know how long she would be able to stay awake with the crushing weight of exhaustion taking its toll on her, and she needed to know that Sayori would be safe if she lost consciousness.
"Yuri, listen. I need... Sayori's got a gash on the uh, on the back of her head. Please just..." She felt as though all of her limbs were giving out one by one, and she slowly slid down the side of Yuri's car until she was sitting on the ground with her head against the door. What had she even been saying? "Make sure Sayori's okay if I'm not awake, okay?" She implored. Yuri turned to Monika from where she stood and shakily nodded, taking a long deep breath before nodding again. When she looked back to Monika, the panic and dismay had faded into a collected calm as if someone had wiped the anxiety off of her with a washcloth, and as she strode past Monika there was a certain conviction in her walk that Monika wasn't used to seeing. Monika heard her open the passenger door beside her and dig through the console before walking past her again and crawling into the back, carrying something that Monika couldn't see.
Monika wasn't sure how long she had blacked out, but when she lifted her head she saw Yuri kneeling beside her and speaking while holding her right hand out to where she could look at it properly. Beside them sat an open med-kit that contained several cremes, scissors, and a roll of gauze that Yuri had taken out. Monika managed to gather her senses enough to realize that Yuri was directing her words towards her and looked up at her clubmate.
"-amount of hemostatic assistance it provides should suffice, as I fear taking off the makeshift bandage you've administered might end up releasing more blood if I were to attempt to replace it with gauze. Please hold still, and try not to jerk around as this may sting quite a bit." Before Monika could ask what in the world Yuri was talking about the girl took a bottle of water and twisted the cap off, pulling Monika's arm closer towards her lap which gave them both a clear view of the gigantic gash stemming from the base webbing of her thumb down to her wrist. Monika blinked, staring at the bloodied split along her hand in confusion. Where had that come from?
Good god, have I really had that the whole- Monika's thoughts came to a stop as the only thing she was able to think about was the excruciating pain spreading through her entire right arm. Yuri had begun to pour the water onto the wound directly and it made Monika's entire body jitter at the incredible amount of discomfort and pain it wrought from her. Oh how she missed a short time ago when the adrenaline had made her completely oblivious to the pain. She squeezed her uninjured hand, digging her fingernails into her palm to try and keep herself from focusing on what her other hand was experiencing. As fast as it had come however, the pain vanished as soon as Yuri set the bottle of water down and reached for the roll of gauze.
"Apologies, it's necessary to clean the wound as fast as possible and there was a decent build up of mud and even a twig that might have led to infection. If I'm not mistaken you have some serious scraping along your thighs too, but providing any assistance beyond basic cleaning and staunching might inadvertently hinder the doctors when you arrive." Yuri explained, her voice firm but not unkind as she begin to wrap the now freshly cleaned and still stinging wound on Monika's hand. "You're quite lucky the laceration only pierced the dermis, had it gone any deeper into the fat tissue it might've reached the muscle layers and quite possibly severed the webbing between your thumb and forefinger." Monika's head was spinning, both from everything that happened along with the medical analysis being given to her by Yuri of all people, everything felt like a dream. She rested her head back against the car door and closed her eyes as she tried to refocus her thoughts as Yuri quietly excused herself and walked away.
Here's a suggestion. Have you considered killing yourself? It would be beneficial to your mental health. Monika opened her eyes to see that Yuri finished the wrapping process before she had left, and the wound she had only just noticed a minute ago was now safely buried under a firm layer of cloth. To think both the Yuri who had suggested she end her life was now the same one mending her wounds after nearly attempting just that. Or were they really one in the same, were any of them really the same? Her mind seemed littered with pointless questions like that.
"Monika?" Yuri called. Monika snapped out of her daze and turned her attention back to her clubmate who was peeking out from behind the car. "The paramedics have arrived. They're putting Sayori in the ambulance now." In an instant Monika was on her feet though she instantly regretted it as her legs threatened to buckle out beneath her, and it was only with Yuri rushing over to help keep her standing that the two of them walked to the back where true to Yuri's word Sayori lay unconscious on a gurney. The paramedics were already in motion, exporting Sayori into the back of the ambulance that had parked behind Yuri's car. Had she really been so lost in thought that she had missed the sirens? After Sayori was safely secured into the back, one of the paramedics approached the two girls and nodded towards Monika.
He was asking questions, likely if she was okay or needed medical assistance, but every time Monika tried to answer her brain couldn't focus on her reply. Yuri was speaking now, concern etched in her voice as Monika's vision began to go blurry. Why was everyone so loud and cautious when all she wanted to do was sleep? She had done a good thing, she had finally done something good, and if that didn't mean she was finally allowed to rest Monika didn't know what did. Leaning into Yuri's shoulder Monika closed her eyes and finally let go of the strength she had been clinging to for so long now, letting the darkness wash over her in what was either death or simply unconsciousness, and Monika knew no more.
The lights were bright, far too bright for Monika's liking. Was it the other void this time, the one of screaming colors and endless noises? But no, she could hear the soft murmurings of a voice, and the voice that was disturbing her, gentle as it was, was preventing Monika from drifting off again. The glaring lights and swimming colors hurt to look at and so she shut her eyes until whatever sickness had plagued her left her alone, but closing her eyes didn't shut out the deep rumblings beside her.
"Easy there kiddo, you're still trying to kick yourself into gear at zero percent. Just take it easy, no need to move around until you're comfortable with it, alright? Nod your head if you can hear me." The voice was warm with the rasp of age attached to it, and Monika gave a small nod of confirmation. Maybe that would satisfy it so she could rest. The voice chuckled and she heard the sound of a plastic wrapper crinkling before she was suddenly subjected to the smell of peppermint directly in front of her. Her nose wrinkled involuntarily at the smell and when she attempted to open her eyes again she saw the blurry face of a weathered man staring back at her with a candy stuck between his fingers.
"My colleagues hate when I do that, but if it works it works, am I right?" He popped the peppermint into his mouth and took a seat on a stool beside her, and that was when Monika began to question her situation. Her senses were slowly becoming less mushy and more clear and as the harsh scent of peppermint was replaced by anti-septic, she understood where she was. She was in a hospital, because she had jumped off of a bridge. Her attempted suicide had clearly failed and now she was stuck in a drab sterile room leaking sunlight from a window that sat to her left. Attempting to glance outside was futile for Monika however as the late afternoon sun only made her eyes water, and so she turned back to her right. Her vision was becoming less murky and she could actually define details about the man now. If she was in a hospital then the man beside her with combed white hair and stubble must have been a doctor, if the long white coat was anything to go by.
"Welcome to the waking world," The doctor said as he peered over at his clipboard, "Mmmmmmonika. I'm sure you're probably feeling like utter garbage right now, but if it's any consolation you came out pretty well considering you tackled what I hear was a seventy-two foot fall and then nearly half a mile down river. That's not even mentioning that you managed to carry an entire human being up out of there, while also suffering from a lack of proper nutrients and low blood sugar." The man wrote something down on her clipboard and then turned back to face Monika with an impressed smile on his face. "I'm Dr. Sakaguchi, and let me just say both you and your friend are very lucky to still be alive." Friend? What friend?
Sayori. Suddenly all of Monika's thoughts turned from her own situation towards that of Sayori. She hadn't leapt from a bridge to take her life, she had done so to save one. Cascading through the river and dragging Sayori onto the bank came flashing back to her in a flash, and she quickly forced herself to speak.
"Whe-" Monika had hardly spoken before a hard cough shook her body and sent tendrils of pain shooting through her sides. Dr. Sakaguchi handed her a bottle of water from the table that she graciously accepted. "Where is she? Sayori, Sayori Moriyama." Monika demanded after a long sip. She knew she probably should've been more polite, but manners were the last thing on her mind. She had to know it wasn't all in vain, that all of her efforts hadn't gone to waste. The doctor had said that they were both lucky to be alive, but she needed to see it.
"Right to the punch, huh?" He chuckled. "Alright, tell you what. I have some things I'm required to tell you once you're awake and responsive regarding your injuries, but I can almost safely diagnose that you're fit for travel and possibly even dismissal. You let me get through what I need to, and I'll take you to your friend. Fair deal?" Dr. Sakaguchi and Monika stared at each other for a few moments, and despite every fiber of her being telling her she needed to go and see Sayori right now or she might flip her lid, she gave a polite nod. Impatience would hardly be prudent in a hospital, especially when she was well aware she was already injured. Dr. Sakaguchi nodded as well and began flipping through the clipboard again, licking his fingers to grab at the pages.
"So let's see, you had a nice jagged cut in your right hand that I believe Ms. Okumura bandaged for you. I went and gave you a running stitch, made for good time and it looks a lot prettier, and of course we gave you a fresh bandage to cover it- waterproof, I might add. That way you don't have to suffer in the shower. Mind testing to see if your thumb and forefinger are still mobile?" Sure enough when Monika looked down at her hand she saw that a fresh bandage had been applied over her hand, all traces of blood and grime completely cleaned. Wiggling her fingers forced a spark of pain to course through her already sore arm, but Monika supposed she ought to be grateful that she could move her hand at all. "Excellent. That was honestly the biggest injury you faced, aside from some cuts and bruises. Cuts on the knuckles, bruises on the everywhere."
Okumura? Is that a nurse? Or maybe it's Yuri's family name. Is she here too? Monika's interactions with her clubmate after climbing from the river were hazy, but she couldn't forget the way Yuri carefully and calmly dealt with the situation once Monika had expressed her trust in her. It was like she had become a whole different person, taking control and confidently dealing with a foreign situation; it was how Monika felt she should have handled things herself. She would have to thank her.
"Got a nasty scrape on the back of your left thigh that took off a bit of skin off the top layer, more like a bad bit of road burn than anything. Consider walking and sitting your natural enemies until that heals up, and I highly recommend keeping it elevated while you sleep if you can. We'll be giving you painkillers for pretty much all of this too, so don't worry too much." He gave another flick of the clipboard and nodded towards her. "We found that your ribs took a beating and got pretty bruised, but no broken bones surprisingly, so just try not to overexert yourself if you can. No internal bleeding either, always a plus. Breathing will be a pain for a bit but your body will adjust, probably, but that's all we got for you." One final flick of paper and the doctor set his clipboard aside, crossing his hands and taking a look at Monika that told her she was being examined, albeit not in a perverse way. Dr. Sakaguchi exuded a carefree demeanor despite his age, it made Monika think of a joking grandfather that might show up at holidays.
Monika attempted to stretch and pull back the covers now that the doctor had finished, but she realized her mistake all too quickly when her entire body seemed to recoil in various states of pain as she groaned out. She tried to shake the pain away but no maneuver or position seemed to relieve her of the discomfort. Once she had finally managed to climb out of the bed she found that she had been left in her school uniform, or at least what was left of it. Her skirt was frayed and was covered in holes along the hem, and her left arm was completely opened to the air from where she had cut her sleeve off. Where was she going to get the money to buy new school clothes? At that thought another one sparked in Monika's mind and as she looked to Dr. Sakaguchi and felt a hot wash of shame splash over her.
"Pardon me, Doctor Sakaguchi." He turned and raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement, and Monika continued. "I was wondering if you knew how I- ow!" She yelped as she attempted to take a step forward and felt the stinging along her thigh strengthen. He hadn't been lying about the walking part at least. "If you knew how I got here, like to the hospital? I didn't uh, I didn't come in the ambulance, did I?" Monika could remember the sight of the flashing lights of the emergency vehicle as they loaded Sayori in and then... then what? She had passed out, she knew that much, but had they loaded her inside as well? She was no fool, she knew well the cost of riding in an emergency vehicle could wrack up to the thousands of dollars depending on the mileage. Thousands of dollars that she didn't have.
Dr. Sakaguchi frowned and seemed to contemplate the question for a moment before shaking his head. "I didn't see you arrive, but I believe only your friend Ms. Moriyama came in through the emergency room via emergency transport. If I'm not mistaken you were brought in by young Ms. Okumura, as most of your injuries were labeled as nonlethal once we realized you had fainted as opposed to landing in a coma. I hear you passing out gave quite a fright however, but we had some staff help get you onto a gurney and into my hands as soon as you got here. Was there a reason you asked?" He held out a hand and gently to match Monika's trimmed speed, escorted her to the door.
"I uh, I don't..." This wasn't going to be easy, even without the ambulance fee there was still her care to cover. Better just to get it over with and deal with whatever debt she was about to bury herself in. "I'm afraid I have no money to cover the costs, Doctor. I don't have any living family who can pay the expenses either." Monika had never been injured or visited a hospital before, and for the first time since leaving the game Monika found that she really would have been okay to never experience either.
Dr. Sakaguchi nodded at her question. "Yes, we figured that might be the case given you came in without any reliable form of identification on you. Your friend did give us your student card however, which helped you out quite a bit in the long run and told us you had no medical coverage. Let me ask you something, do you think good people deserve to have good things happen to them? À la, Buddhism and karmic balance?" The question surprised Monika as they stepped out into the hallway among the bustle of medical staff traversing from room to room, followed by the buzz of an announcement being made over the intercom. Of course good people deserved good things, but rarely did life offer such a black and white approach and follow through with it. Sayori was a good person, she had done nothing but try her best to make sure everyone remained happy despite her own grief, but floating facedown in a river with a gash in your head was hardly what she'd call a 'fitting' reward. Was the doctor implying that Monika was a good person?
One selfless act isn't enough to redeem an existence of cruelty and selfishness.
"I think it isn't rational to expect reality to simply gift people for not being awful, much as we wish otherwise, Doctor. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people." Monika said simply. Dr. Sakaguchi nodded, seemingly weighing her words as they rounded a corner.
"That's a fair outlook, and I'm sure your experiences have no doubt helped shape said outlook. But perhaps you may experience something that might challenge that? For example, say you get taken to the hospital with little identification and no money or health insurance on file, a rough situation for anyone no doubt. Now imagine that the parents of the girl you rescued heard about your courageous act of heroism and decided that seven-thousand yen wasn't that much of a price to pay to say thanks?" He turned back and smirked at her, seemingly pleased by the flabbergasted look she wore. "Your care wasn't terribly expensive to begin with, and for the record there are no medical agencies I know of in Japan that charge for transport in an ambulance." Monika only stared before realizing that they weren't headed for emergency care, but rather had only moved to another portion of the general ward and were standing outside of a room that held the tag "Moriyama, Sayori" in the label beside the door.
Dr. Sakaguchi held a finger up to Monika, knocking on the door and stepping inside and closing it behind him. Monika found herself grateful when he returned a moment later, the last thing she wanted was to be left alone with her thoughts after what he had told her. Courageous act of heroism? That was a laugh, heroes didn't throw their lives away nor did they needlessly let people suffer for selfish reasons. Monika was guilty for both.
"I'm afraid she's still not awoken, not a terrible surprise given the amount of blunt trauma her body took." The doctor held the door ajar as he stepped back out and met Monika's worried expression with a serious look of his own. "I'm sure you'll be curious anyway, but Ms. Moriyama suffered a traumatic brain injury induced from the fall, what we call an intracranial hemorrhage. We had to move her into surgery almost as soon as she arrived due to the amount of internal and external bleeding residing from her, and she'll also be nursing a misaligned clavicle that we had to set back in place, a broken ankle and three broken ribs. Frankly it's a miracle no vital organs were ruptured from the fall, nor did her spine suffer anything aside from a good bruising." Dr. Sakaguchi paused for a moment, letting his words sink in. Monika felt as though she was going to be sick, but she nodded for the doctor to continue. She needed to know.
"Doctor Sano did an excellent job in the procedure," He continued, "But due to the dire condition she was brought in, we aren't sure about the state that Ms. Moriyama will be in during the long term, generally speaking. She's remained unconscious, and her body has suffered a great deal of damage, so while we don't believe she's entered into the coma threshold, the lasting effects of her T.B.I. could still stem from mild to severe. As it is, we just aren't sure yet." Monika thought her legs were going to give out from the roller coaster of emotions his explanation had sent her through, but she managed to keep her composure and nod.
"Can I- Can I not see her?" Monika asked. After hearing everything Sayori had been put through she just wanted to see that she was still breathing with her own eyes. Dr. Sakaguchi nodded, opening the door a bit wider for her. Before she could dash inside however he reached into his coat and pulled from it a slip of paper that Monika took curiously.
"Ms. Moriyama's family has given leave for visitors, so you're all set, just try not to forcefully wake her or anything. This, is your receipt with your bill already paid of course, and on the back there I've stapled your prescription for your pain meds, ibuprofen and the like, just show this to the receptionist at the front before you go and she'll get you sorted." Monika nodded and tried to thank him, but the doctor only shook his head and waved her away. "If you want to thank me, go get you some health insurance. Your student ID card said that you're of age, so that way when you come back to get your stitches removed in a week or so you won't be so worried. It's technically against the law not to have it, but I'm far too fat and old to try and play police officer." He let out a final chuckle before giving her a gentle clap on the shoulder and turning back the way he came. Before walking off however he turned back to offer Monika one last sympathetic look.
"Despite the uncertainty regarding Ms. Moriyama, had you not got her out of that river when you did there's a very real chance she could have suffered from far more serious consequences. Namely paralysis, and very possibly death. You two have some immaculate luck to have got off as easy as you did, so chin up if you can." Monika nodded and bowed her thanks as he left before turning back towards the door, and after taking a deep breath she stepped into the room.
The lights in the room had been dimmed compared to Monika's room and the curtains had been closed to block the evening sun, but the glow of the medical equipment gave the room an eerie feel that felt so disconnected from the obnoxiously bright and bustling hallway of the hospital. Sayori lay in her bed peacefully, with her hair ruffled and the vacant look of sleep plastered on her face, Monika could've imagined that she was only taking a nap like she had found her Friday. Her uniform had been stripped and replaced with a hospital gown and her familiar red bow was nowhere to be found, instead replaced with several layers of bandages that had been wrapped around her forehead. The bow was probably floating down the river still if Monika had to guess. There was nobody else in the room which led Monika to believe Sayori's parents had already returned home for the evening, leaving just the two of them alone. Gingerly, for the sake of her bruised ribs and scraped thigh, Monika stepped over to a chair that had been left beside the bed and sat down.
For a few minutes she sat in silence and stared at the bruised and broken body before her. The little bracelet that was attached to Sayori's wrist stating her name, the stitches that likely sat beneath the bandage wrapped around her forehead, she didn't deserve any of it. This was all Monika's fault in every manner, and she knew it. She had pushed Sayori away at every turn, had let Himari verbally harass her clubmates without a word of defiance, and instead of trying to help any of them she had gone to take her own life and leave the rest of them to their fates.
I deserve those wounds and broken bones, not you. Why is it I came out with bumps and you had to get surgery? Why are you the one who might not walk away from this? Monika felt her thoughts began to whirl inside of her and for a moment she thought she might break down, but she forced the tears back despite the way her eyes burned. She had done enough crying today, the time for wallowing in self-pity and misery was over.
"Hey, Say." Monika began, making sure to keep her tone hushed. "I'm uh, I'm here." No response. "I don't know why I'm talking to you while you're out, I think I just uh... well I need to get some things off my chest. Things I can't tell you while you're awake. I've never been... you know, I... God this is hopeless. I sound like Yuri." Monika's eyes never left Sayori, looking for any change in breathing or eye twitch to indicate she might suddenly wake and hear her. Monika dreaded the thought, though she silently prayed for it. "You shouldn't be here. Not just in this hospital with your bones all messed up, I mean you shouldn't even exist. You should be de- I don't mean like that, I've just been so horrible, Sayori. I've hurt people in ways that give me nightmares, I've hurt you in ways that- I mean jesus, you saw the scratches on my neck. The worst part is I got a second chance, a chance to fix everything I've done and I almost wasted it, you know? I didn't see it for what it was. I thought it was a punishment, and hell, it might still be."
"I've been really selfish lately. You always thought you were selfish, but if you knew what I'd done you'd probably never waste an insult like that on yourself again." Monika let out a dry chuckle and shook her head. She had spent so long in the void thinking of what she would say if she ever had the chance to see her friend again. Hours and days practicing for a scenario she thought would never happen, and now that it was here she couldn't get the words out. "I'm really... I know it doesn't mean a lot, considering you're unconscious and even if you weren't you wouldn't remember what happened. But I'm sorry, Sayori. I'm sorry for letting you-" She bit her tongue, she couldn't hide behind white lies and doublespeak anymore. She had to face what she had done or else she would spend the rest of her days making excuses and arguing with herself in her head.
"I'm... I'm sorry for killing you." She choked out, and brought a hand to cover her eyes. Hold it together, you have to be strong from now on. "I can't ever bring that version of you back, and I'm sorry that I let you die alone a-and terrified. You trusted me and I did- God I didn't even care, I mean I did but it wasn't... you weren't real..." Monika sighed and lowered her head into her hands as words escaped her. All this time and she still didn't know what to say. Perhaps she never would, and that was simply something else she would have to live with. "I'm just, sorry. I don't know what you are, I don't know if you're real or just a character file like me. But I don't care about what you are anymore, because whether you're preprogrammed with a humongous script or something else entirely I know that you're Sayori. My best friend, my vice president, my victim. And I..." Both her teeth and her hands clenched, but she ignored the pain as she blinked past the leftover tears and stared at Sayori. "I am a monster. A wolf."
"But I'm okay with that too. Because I can use it, Sayori. I can take my fangs and claws and I will bare them at everything that threatens you guys, the club, all of it. If fate is so determined to break all of you, be it from me or something else, then I'll just have to hurt fate back. That's what I do after all. That's why I'm here, I think." Monika took a deep breath now that she had regained control over some of her more negative emotions she found herself smiling. For the first time in a long time, she had direction. "You, Natsuki, Yuri, you're all really great people, and I'm lucky to have any of you be a part of my club, a part of my existence. I can't change what I did, so, I'll have to settle for making sure nothing like it ever happens again. If bad things have to happen to good people like you, I'm going to be the bad thing that happens to bad people." Monika wiped her eyes and calmly stood from the chair, taking her hands behind her head and undoing the orange ribbon from her ponytail. With her hair flowing down behind her, Monika took the ribbon and carefully wrapped it around Sayori's wrist, just below her identification-band.
What reason is there to do anything when I fully know how worthless I am? Why go to school? Why eat? Why make friends? Monika closed her eyes and gave Sayori's hand a gentle squeeze before turning and walking out into the hallway, her eyes now fully dry.
"Come back to us soon, please."
The click of the door behind her seemed to signify so many things, it meant that she was leaving Sayori's room of course but it also served as the closing to the Monika she had been this morning. She wasn't vain enough to think she could change how she felt, how she thought, or how she reacted to her friends and the world around her all in one night, but she could try. The click was Monika closing the door on who the game had turned her into, and while she suspected those parts of her would never fully leave she would give her all to not adhere to them any longer. She could never be the Monika who existed prior to the hole in the wall, she had laid that Monika to rest long ago, but she could become a new Monika. It was like she had told Sayori: she would become a wolf.
But before she could do anything like that, Monika realized that she really needed to get ahold of her pain medication. Her emotions had done an excellent job of distracting her from the pain in her hand and thigh, but now that she was up and on the move again it dawned on her just how bad injuries actually hurt. If that's not the most asinine thing I've ever thought of, I'll leap into the river again. Pulling herself together as best as she could, Monika trudged past the various medical staff and doctors and made her way towards the lobby where she would be able to find some physical relief, and just maybe a way home to accompany it.
Half an hour later Monika stepped into the lobby with a prescription bag in her hand and a yawn in her throat. It hadn't taken very long to get her prescription filled, but having to stand and talk to a police officer about her experience hadn't been particularly pleasant considering simply standing seemed to produce about the same amount of discomfort as moving. Someone had made an anonymous call to the authorities describing two girls tumbling off of a bridge, and so Monika had been forced to give a statement as to how she had leapt in after she had seen Sayori fall over in what she "thought" to be a suicide attempt. She felt guilty telling Sayori's secret again, but she desperately wanted to see Sayori down a brighter road and thought being mostly honest about the experience would help towards that. She had insisted to the officer that she hadn't been sure of Sayori's intent, hoping an unclear motivation might spark conversation with her family without outright condemning her.
The lobby itself was filled with various people, from a young mother holding her child close to her chest to several older men in construction uniforms, but Monika kept her eyes to the floor as she passed through the aisles of occupied seats. She wondered if hospitals had bus stops, though she supposed it didn't matter since she had no yen, and the thought of asking for a bus fare from someone in a hospital waiting room didn't sit well in Monika. With no phone, no cash, and no way home, she considered asking for a map in the vain hope of navigating the way back to the shelter herself when she spotted a girl her age sitting at the end of the row and buried in a book. The violet hair and school uniform gave Yuri away almost instantly and Monika found herself smiling in relief as she approached her clubmate.
"Uh, Yuri?" Monika had tried her best to not surprise the girl given how often Yuri became enamored in her novels, thankfully she only jumped slightly at Monika's voice as the two locked eyes. Yuri quickly stuck a bookmark between the pages and set the book aside, rising from her seat with a disquieted look on her face. Monika's smile quickly turned to a frown as she glanced out past Yuri and saw the diluted twilight glow peeking through the sliding exit doors. How long had she been there?
"Monika, it's so very good to see you up- Oh! Your hair..." Yuri seemed surprised by Monika's lack of a ponytail but she quickly recovered and pressed on. "I-I was so worried when neither you or Sayori were conscious, I'll admit that I had begun to assume the worst when you collapsed on top of me and the paramedics had to rush over to make sure you were still breathing and-" Yuri paused suddenly and took a breath, her eyes flittering around the waiting room as she realized her voice had been rising. "A-apologies, what I really mean to ask is are you okay? Obviously you are not 'okay' in the normal sense, but I- your injuries, I mean, how are you physically faring?" Monika was glad for the clarification, she wasn't quite sure she knew how to describe her mental state except for possibly 'tired', but she was able to sum up her physical state with ease.
"Everything kind of hurts. Like, a lot. They said my hand got sliced open pretty badly, and I lost some skin on the back of my thigh, but aside from some bruised ribs and cuts, I got out pretty lucky." Monika admitted with a sheepish grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. Yuri nodded but Monika had the feeling that she was tiptoeing around her words, more so than usual, and she guessed why. "Have you been in to see Sayori yet? She was asleep when I went in a few minutes ago, but she's uh..." Sayori was what? Doing well? Half dead and covered in bandages like some kind of half-embalmed mummy? Monika's voice trailed off as she once again found herself unsure of what to say after everything that had happened.
Yuri seemed to understand her hesitance and nodded again. "Yes actually, I went in to see her as her parents were leaving. They told me that they didn't mind Sayori having visitors and to keep her in my prayers, of course. She wasn't awake when I entered as well, though I had hoped she might awaken after a few hours." A few hours? Monika glanced out towards the sliding doors and frowned again.
"Yuri, how long have you been here?" Monika asked. Her friend frowned at her question and pulled out her own phone, her eyes widening as she mouthed the words Six-Thirty in surprise.
"A-ah, perhaps six or s-seven hours? I hardly noticed to be quite honest, I've been so enthralled with my book which is what I would have done at home all day anyhow, and I truly wanted to make sure you two were okay after the, erm, well you know..." Monika winced at the realization she had been out for most of the day, though it made sense with her and Sayori falling into the river around the later half of the morning. Monika's head was beginning to swim the longer she stayed standing and she remembered the problem that had plagued her to begin with, though she opened her mouth to ask the question no words would come out. As much as she knew she needed to, asking her clubmates for assistance simply did not resonate with her.
Yuri raised an eyebrow at Monika whose mouth opened and closed several more times, though after a moment she seemed to pick up on Monika's behavior and posed the question herself. "Monika, do you perhaps require some assistance getting back home?" Monika didn't meet her eyes but managed a nod in response that Yuri accepted with a small bow before grabbing her book and making for the door. The chilly evening wind brushed Monika's skin as she followed Yuri out towards the parking lot, and she was reminded of how little of her uniform she actually still had intact. She would have to go by the bridge and see if she couldn't gather her things sometime, assuming nobody had stolen them. The two girls retreated to a familiar silver hatchback that Yuri unlocked with a loud click, and Monika tried her best not to wince as she carefully stepped into the passenger seat with little success.
"So, where shall I be taking you?" Yuri asked. Monika's mind blanked and she realized that there was no destination she could give that wouldn't be inherently suspicious or outright telling of her situation. Even if she were to ask for somewhere nearby the shelter, the lack of a fixed location would no doubt be suspicious.
"Uh, I don't uh... I don't know..." Monika admitted truthfully. For a moment the two of them sat in the car in silence. It seemed the both of them had a lot on their minds until Monika noticed Yuri silently mouthing words with her eyes closed, though Monika wasn't able to make out her exact words she politely sat in silence and waited until Yuri let out a deep breath and looked up to Monika with a grave look in her eyes. Monika returned it and sensing a serious topic at hand turned to give Yuri her full attention. Was that what she was doing, practicing this conversation ahead of time? Monika silently wondered.
"Too often do I overthink and scrutinize my own words to the point that I finish a sentence before ever speaking it aloud." Yuri began, drumming her fingers along the edge of the steering wheel. "But after serious consideration over the past few hours I find that after what has transpired today, for all of us, I simply cannot feign ignorance like I so often do, when such an opportunity arises that I might make up for my own shortcomings, socially. I will not pretend to understand, nor relate, to what you as a person may have gone through behind closed doors, Monika, nor I do wish to invoke a feeling of distrust between us. However, after thinking on certain situations I've... observed, as well as what N-Natsuki told us before her departure, therefore I must ask for the absolute truth if I am to fulfill my part in taking you home for the evening."
Monika was surprised by the almost assertive tone in her voice. What was she going to ask about? She had mentioned Natsuki's farewell to the club, was Yuri going to accuse her of going behind the club's back too? Was she going to ask if Monika had really sold everyone out for her own gain, and kick her out of the car depending on her answer? Monika felt every selfish act burn against her back and knew that she wouldn't be able to lie, she would have to face the consequences of her actions from now on. She nodded.
"Do you have a place to stay tonight?" Yuri asked firmly. The question caught Monika off guard, so much so that she couldn't immediately answer which prompted Yuri to continue. "I will not pry, nor ask for an explanation. If you wish I will take you to whatever destination you require without question. However, if you would allow, I would be more than willing to house you for an evening. You have suffered a very traumatic experience and I would be remiss if I did not offer my aid whilst I am able..." Yuri's voice faltered as she finished and it seemed she had used up all of her forwardness as she turned to look back at the steering wheel and gently laid her head against the wheel. Monika could hear her uttering soft apologies for her brashness as she took deep breaths, but she was still too surprised to immediately address Yuri or her question.
Had she really given herself away that easily? Monika's instinctual reaction was to decline, to say that of course she had a place to stay, but there was no way she could prove that without a proper destination. She didn't want to lie anymore, but admitting the truth in the matter was seemingly just as hard. Monika was supposed to be the one helping them now, she didn't deserve their assistance to begin with, much less after the festival. But the longer she thought about it, the more she realized that she didn't want to go back to the shelter tonight even if Yuri didn't know. She had already missed dinner most likely, and she'd be forced to hurry and take a shower in her injured state, and she didn't even have her phone to wake her up in the morning. After everything she had done, was it really okay to accept help?
Yuri had regained her composure now and was once again waiting for an answer, but the assertiveness she had exhibited before had all but vanished. Instead Monika only saw patience and understanding in her clubmate's eyes as she made her choice.
"I think I would like that."