Chapter 8: Misery loves Company
A chapter that opens the door to hope and despair, and all in-between.
The car ride to Yuri's house was quiet, somber even. The events of the day seemed to hang in the air like smoke amidst the smell of lilac that pervaded the interior, and despite the fact that both occupants clearly desired to speak and vent about what had happened, neither one properly knew how to address the issue. So they sat in relative silence as dusk faded into night and the traffic thinned into nothing, though the fact that they were driving down mostly back roads seemed to play a part. Finally having enough of the brooding atmosphere, Monika used this to jumpstart the conversation.
"So, do you normally not take the main roads, or were you just feeling the scenic route tonight?" Monika asked lightly. Yuri started at the sudden break in the silence but flicked her eyes towards Monika for a split second before focusing back on the road.
"Ah, I hardly noticed. This is actually the usual route I take if I'm leaving the southwestern part of the city, as the main roads are often struck with evening rush-hour traffic and while it might not be as fast as the interstate, I personally find the lack of congestion on the road to be a fair trade for an added couple of minutes." Yuri explained. After a moment of thought however she grimaced and shot a worried glance in Monika's direction. "You're likely exhausted and in need of rest, and I've gone and taken the longer way for my own benefit. I-I apologize, that was rather inconsiderate of me." But Monika shook her head and raised her good arm to wave away her friend's apology.
"Really Yuri, it's fine. The fact that you're offering a bed to me for the night is more than generous, it wouldn't be right for me to complain even if it did bother me. I mean, I already slept the day away in the hospital anyway." She gave Yuri a reassuring smile and rested her hands in her lap. Monika had been forcing herself to think of the event as an impromptu sleepover between friends, it was the only way she could allow herself to accept Yuri's hospitality. "I sort of just assumed your lack of social confidence extended to driving as well, ahaha." Both her laughter and her smile waned as she thought about what she had said, and realized it had likely come across as rude or even mocking. Monika mentally chastised herself for her lack of foresight and opened her mouth in apology as she scratched the back of her head. "Uh, that didn't quite come out right. Sorry about that Yuri, I guess I was the real inconsiderate one here."
Now it was Yuri's turn to brush off her apology. "No no, it's quite alright, you're... well, you're not wrong after all. I get nervous every time a car pulls up behind me because I fear I'm going too slow, or that I myself may be riding on another vehicle's coattails, to the point that driving is actually a rather nerve wracking experience for me. Much like socializing." They came to stop at a four-way crossing and Yuri let out a breath, glancing at each path of the intersection before turning right. "But, when independence is expected one must learn to deal with the responsibility that comes with it, wanted or not." The conversation faded as Yuri's tone became one of regret, and soon Monika found herself staring out the window like she had the last time she sat in Yuri's car. Rather than the bright lights of the city this time however, Monika was treated to the shadows of the foliage that they passed, and a cloudy night sky that hid the moon from view. It was different, but very beautiful in its own regard, and Monika silently wondered if the shadows were any more real than the skyscrapers.
The rest of the ride passed in comfortable silence until they pulled up to a rather prestigious looking building secluded from the surrounding houses, and Yuri pulled into the driveway. The architecture was exceedingly traditional, with a large tiled roof and deep eaves that shadowed the elongated white clay and timber exterior that stretched across the entire plot. Monika stared at the estate with eyes unblinking as she stepped out of the car; Natsuki implying Yuri was 'loaded' hadn't quite prepared Monika for the stately home she found herself gaping at. Monika turned to ask Yuri if this was really where she lived, but her clubmate was busy digging in the backseat and Monika found herself hit with another shock as Yuri pulled a blazer and backpack from the floorboard.
"Ah! Y-yes, I almost forgot to tell you, I went back and grabbed both yours and Sayori's items that you left at the bridge. The thought occurred to me after I got to the waiting room, and since I had time with uh, you know, I swept by. I gave Sayori's belongings to her parents, and while I didn't search terribly hard so as to not invade your privacy, I do not believe anything was stolen." Monika gratefully accepted her bag and blazer, slipping the coat on so as to help fight off the evening chill. Monika remembered the doctor mentioned Yuri had provided Monika's student ID card, something that she had naturally left within her coat, and was surprised she hadn't put two and two together sooner. As she slung her backpack around her shoulder however, a different thought occurred.
"How did you know where we jumped from?" Monika asked, as she hadn't come across Yuri until she and Sayori were nearly half a mile downstream. Her heart began to beat faster as she realized she hadn't chosen her words carefully enough, and had just flat out admitted to Yuri that both she and Sayori had at least intentionally planned to jump. Did she pick up on the implication? Yuri's eyes gave nothing away but her chin dipped low and Monika could see her squirming slightly beneath her gaze.
"I uh, well you see I had been approaching the scene, the bridge that is, as I was headed home from the festival. I s-saw you two just as Sayori f-fell and you jumped, and I... ah, perhaps it'd be better if we continued this discussion inside?" Yuri motioned towards her house and before Monika could respond her clubmate was pushing past her and stepping across the grass to reach the veranda. Monika couldn't argue if she wanted to; just standing there made her realize how sore standing in place really was with her battered and bruised legs.
The interior of Yuri's home was just as impressive as the outside, with tatami mat flooring spread throughout the entire building and several ornate looking paintings hung within the entrance hall. As Yuri and Monika left their shoes by the door, Yuri cupped her hand and in a manner that was both soft enough to come from her voice but loud enough to echo throughout the entire hall, and called out a greeting.
"Ya doma, tadaima!" She called, but nobody responded in turn. Yuri hummed as if she had expected the lack of an answer and beckoned for Monika to follow her deeper into the abode. "My parents have very inopportune schedules due to their work in the medical field, so it's quite rare that we're all home at the same time. Even still, I like to announce my arrival just in case." Monika nodded at her explanation as they passed through the lounge, taking in all the uniquely crafted furniture and decorations that caught her eye. Living in a shelter for the past week had made her appreciate the little things in life, but here the little things were magnified while also remaining simplistic in nature. From the cabinets to the numerous sets of china inside of them, everything was neat and orderly in a way that seemed to bring out a sense of tranquility in Monika.
Yuri slid open a door that led to the washroom and retrieved a towel that she handed to Monika before motioning towards another door. "My room is right over there, on the right. I'll uh, I'll fix us something to eat and then we can... discuss what has happened, if you would like. N-not that you have to, of course. Please, enjoy yourself." With that Yuri bowed and departed in the opposite direction, leaving Monika to figure out her friend's bathroom orientation by herself. Japanese baths were not an entirely foreign concept to her despite her inexperience, and so after removing her muddied clothes and taking a quick shower Monika found herself preparing to leave by habit, only to remember that there was no need for hurrying when there wasn't a line of people waiting behind her. Yuri had told her to enjoy herself after all, she could afford a bit of relaxation after a day like today, couldn't she?
Within minutes the washroom was filled with steam as Monika slipped herself into the now filled bath, a soft wince fading into a contented sigh as the hot water reached up past her injuries. Her hand she could at least keep on the rim, but there was no saving her thigh that was still firmly wrapped in gauze. Monika was grateful for the hospital applying waterproof bandages, she didn't want to think about how much worse off she'd be with the hot water lapping at her otherwise open wound. Monika's breathing slowed and she closed her eyes while letting her hair drip over the back of the tub, and for the first time that day she felt at peace. There was nothing to disturb her here, nothing to distract her from relaxing, and nobody to remind her of the day's events. Nobody except herself.
She didn't have to open her eyes to see the figure sitting with their arms crossed beside her, two eyes of green staring at her patronizingly while fingers drummed against imaginary arms. She could feel her peace fading with each passing second, each time their fingers tapped against their skin, until she knew the only way to go back to being alone would be to confront the lingering thoughts. But they confronted her first.
Enjoying the water? It must be nice to sit and relax after such a tiring day. The other Monika made no ripples in the water as she passed over to sit face to face, her look of condescension remaining still.
"I was, until you disrupted it." Monika answered.
Do you think you're some kind of hero, now? The logical Monika prompted. Lounging in a bath while your friends worship your noble sacrifice? We both know you would have been fine with not emerging from that river. Do you really deserve to just be... laid up?
Monika exhaled through her nose, sinking lower into the bathwater until it reached up to her neck. "I did something good though..." Her heart nearly jumped out of her chest the moment her chin touched the water and she quickly shot up, her mind suddenly filled with images of her and Sayori sinking beneath the river. Maybe she'd keep her head above the water for now. She pictured the logical Monika tutting and shaking her head while stretching out along the other side of the bath.
You keep saying that, but we both know you didn't act out of the kindness of your heart, whatever you keep trying to believe. By extension yes, you did something that is good in definition. But when you peel back the surface you see that deep down you used Sayori's misery as an excuse to raise yourself from your own. This was never about making sure Sayori was okay for her sake, you know you were simply so desperate to rid yourself of the guilt of putting her there in the first place that you'd offer your life beside hers. As if you weren't about to throw it away anyhow. If you had cared about her wellbeing, you would have grabbed her and pulled her down the moment you stood on that rail. Despite only soaking for a few minutes, Monika had suddenly had enough of the bath; the quiet was no longer peaceful but deafening, and the water only felt suffocating against her skin. She tried to ignore the pain in her hand as she drained the tub and began to dry off with the towel Yuri gave her, but her thoughts couldn't be fought off when she had nothing to distract herself.
Wasn't the whole point in leaving so you didn't have to deal with this anymore? Aren't you tired of trying for nothing, when you've already seen where digging too deep gets you? Monika paused and looked down at her bandaged hand, at the ribs that sat bruised beneath her skin and made everything from walking to breathing a challenge. She could almost imagine her more rational side leaning sadly over the tub to watch her. Do you really think she'll thank you for the medical bills and the suffering she now has to endure, physically and mentally, knowing you messed up her plan? What are you going to do when you're left alone because you ruined everything, again? How much longer can you keep this up, Monika?
Monika sighed and unzipped her bag, pulling out the blue and white sweater Sayori had given her. Just holding them seemed to make her heart feel heavy, and their time in her bag hadn't yet detracted the sweet lingering scent of whatever perfume Sayori had last worn. Her only real regret as she finished pulling the top over her head was the lack of any real replacements for her underclothes, as the musky smell of river water was still heavy on them and Monika didn't quite feel like sleeping in them while they remained dirty. With her bag slung over her shoulder Monika pushed the sliding door open and glanced back at the tub, but there was nobody in it.
"I'm probably right, because I don't know." Monika muttered to the empty tub. "But that's the best thing about going forward from here, I don't know what's going to happen." With that she left the washroom behind and stepped back out into the main foyer, approaching the door Yuri had labeled as leading to her room and giving a gentle knock upon the outside. A soft voice beckoned her to enter and she slid inside to find her friend sitting on the floor with her back against a velvet divan, her lower half completely swallowed up by the kotatsu that sat in the middle of the room. Yuri's bedroom, while still containing tatami flooring and wooden walls, deviated from the rest of the house with a more standard and contemporary design that included a regal four-poster bed as well as things like a television and a computer desk in the corner. Yuri looked up at Monika with a polite smile and shyly motioned towards two bowls of what looked to be a type of rice soup sitting on the table.
"Ah, hello Monika. I hope you enjoyed your bath? You were a bit quicker than I was anticipating, n-not to worry of course, I've already finished the zosui and I- well, I was just finishing this area while I waited." Yuri nodded towards the television that sat across from the kotatsu, and Monika was surprised to find a video game plastered on the screen of all things. Yuri scooted over, allowing Monika to slide her legs beneath the blanketed table as she graciously accepted the extra bowl of zosui. Monika saw she had changed out of her uniform and instead had donned a violet cardigan with a light brown top and a pair of jeans. The soup was still warm and its zesty flavor only soothed Monika more as she began to shovel spoonful after spoonful into her mouth. The vegetables and rice at the shelter, while filling, didn't compare to the flavor of the dinner Yuri had cooked up for them.
"This- ahem, this is really good, Yuri. Thank you, I haven't had food this good in a... well, let's say a long time." Monika chuckled while Yuri merely smiled and ate her own bowl contentedly. The day's events were clearly on both of their minds, among several questions they no doubt wanted to ask each other, however Monika decided to ease into the conversation for Yuri's sake. "So, you play video games? I'll be honest, I sort of expected to find you buried in a book, I didn't really take you for the gaming type."
"Well thank you. I'm really not much for cooking, but I've had to do a lot of cooking by myself as of late and if I have to cook for myself I may as well try to make the taste enjoyable." Yuri set her bowl down and picked up her controller again, unpausing the game and navigating her character throughout the world. "Frankly, I'm not much for video games either, in fact this is honestly the only one I know how to play. My older brother left for university earlier this year, and we used to be rather close as children since our parents have always had such busy lives within their careers, but until he left I had only ever watched him play. Learning to play this game, as difficult and unforgiving as it is, it lets me feel just a little bit closer to him." She let out a shrill yelp as a beast leaped out from an alleyway and began to horrifically maul her character to death, and sighed as she set the controller down. "Though, I will admit at least in the realms of literature I'm not stricken with such intense feelings of dissatisfaction nearly as often."
Monika smirked good naturedly and took another bite of her soup. She had never considered Yuri to partake in something outside of reading and her occasional aromatherapy, and with a pang she realized she didn't really know her friends at all. She knew them for their faults, not their desires or dreams. "I don't really play video games either. Gosh, I think the only one I've really played is that dancing one that Sayori got me to try back at the mall." Despite having only been two days ago, being at the mall with Sayori felt like a far off memory. So much had happened since then that she was already feeling nostalgic for the rhythm game they had played together, though with it came the reminder of where Sayori was now.
"Ah yes, I remember Sayori texting me about getting to play it with you, she was so thrilled over such a seemingly little thing, but I think it meant a lot to her." Yuri mused as she saved her game. Monika felt her chest tighten over how much fun they all had Saturday, and how horribly it had ended because of her. Had Sayori told Yuri about their argument too? Yuri glanced over and seemed to notice Monika's guilty expression and she added, "For the record, Monika... I hope that you do not pin such blame on yourself for what transpired today, I know it is common to disagree with such regards since you likely feel a degree of survivor's guilt, n-not to say Sayori will not survive however! I ah, just hope you understand that Sayori seemed so very happy during that day at the mall because of the time you two spent together."
Her words were meant to reassure Monika, but they only made her feel worse. A lot worse. Monika sighed and rubbed a hand through her hair before casting a worried look at Yuri. She really wanted to be confident and reassuring like she used to be, but she just couldn't bring it out, and now she was the one that needed reassuring.
"Do you think Sayori is going to be okay?" Monika finally asked. Yuri didn't immediately answer, instead glancing away from Monika as she shifted where she sat. They had danced around the topic long enough, and now it was upon them. After a moment Yuri silently rose from the kotatsu and excused herself from the room, leaving Monika to wonder if perhaps the subject was too much for Yuri to handle. Did she know something Monika didn't? Had she gone to unleash her emotions in private? Monika's hands clenched as she remembered what Yuri was prone to doing when her thoughts or senses became overloaded, and she too began to rise from the kotatsu and make for the door. She had vowed to keep them all safe, even from themselves, and she had just let Yuri walk away without a second thought. There was no doubt this Yuri practiced self-harm, not when she had a first-aid kit in her car. Some protector she was turning out to be already.
Just as she slid open the door leading to the foyer she nearly bumped into Yuri as she came through with a glass in each hand and a bottle tucked under her arm, leading the both of them to suddenly jump and step backwards.
"Oh!"
"A-ah! Monika, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to- here, let me just... uh, set these down before I drop them. P-pardon me!" Yuri stepped around her and set the glasses and bottle atop the kotatsu while Monika caught her breath and returned to her spot as well. Monika mentally chided herself for jumping to assumptions so quickly, and decided that perhaps confronting Yuri about a problem she wasn't even supposed to know about might require a bit more care and thought put into it. Meanwhile, Yuri removed the cork from the bottle and gently filled one of the glasses with a deep red liquid while looking over to Monika.
"S-sorry, I know we both have some questions that we would like to ask each other, and I, erm, well I thought this might help us ease the anxiety and jumpiness we're both uh, clearly exhibiting. But d-don't feel pressured or anything, if you'd like I could go brew some tea or coffee instead! I don't intend to become intoxicated by any means, of course!" Yuri fidgeted beside Monika and she could practically see the second guessing going on in Yuri's head. Was that what Monika looked like half the time? Even in her own home Yuri clearly felt the need to impress others and berate herself, and so Monika silently took the empty glass and raised it up for Yuri to fill as well. Yuri's grimace slowly melted away at Monika's acceptance, and the two girls smiled at one another before quietly taking a sip of their respective glasses.
Monika found the taste of the wine to be interesting to say the least. She wasn't entirely sure what to expect from an alcoholic drink, but the various flavors of red berries led to a slightly tangy taste that wasn't entirely displeasing. It was pleasant even, and it only made Monika realize how much more pleasant it would have been had the entire club been present instead of half.
"Now then," Yuri began after setting her glass down, "I believe you asked the first question, therefore if you like we can simply go back and forth asking and answering until we are satisfied. To answer on whether Sayori will be alright, I simply cannot confidently answer either I'm afraid. Being the daughter of a physician and a nurse has led me to pick up quite a bit about the human body during my younger years, its the reason I keep a first-aid kit in my glovebox after all, but Sayori's injuries far outweigh the knowledge I have garnered from reading simple medical books and listening to my parents complain about their shifts." Monika felt her heart drop a little, in truth she hadn't been looking for an affirmative answer so much as comfort. "My knowledge is, well, more broad than deep I'm afraid. But I do have hope, if anyone could pull through such a catastrophe, it would be Sayori."
Monika nodded and took another sip of her wine. It was time for her own question. "So, I know you said you came across us when we ju- er, fell off the bridge. I meant fell, sorry. But, do you think you could tell me a bit more?" It was something that Monika had been curious about since seeing Yuri leaning over the highway railing and staring down at the two of them on the riverbank. Yuri's eyes darkened and she suddenly looked far more tired than she had moments prior, it was a form of exhaustion that Monika knew all too well and could identify it just by the way her friend looked at her. It was the burden of knowing too much.
"Monika, please. I know that I often come across as distant or so buried within my reading that I disregard the world around me, and that isn't an unfair or entirely untrue assumption, but I like to believe that I am not a fool... in certain regards. If there is something you are not comfortable speaking of, you need only say and I will change the topic without assumption or bias, but as I said in the car I would greatly appreciate your honesty when dealing with such serious matters." This time it was Yuri's turn to take a sip of her wine while Monika felt a small pool of shame wash over her; it wasn't as if she hadn't already let her and Sayori's intentions slip, even if it painted a slightly inaccurate picture she felt resolved to respect Yuri's feelings and intelligence. Monika nodded to show her compliance, and Yuri continued.
"To answer your question, however, I must admit it was purely luck that led me to discovering the both of you. I uh, ended up not finding Natsuki in her usual spot beneath the stairs, as you can imagine and I decided to er, simply head home to recover from the stress of the day." The way Yuri hesitated and skirted around her words made Monika question if she was telling the truth, but decided to simply chalk it up to Yuri losing her confidence during the conversation and let her continue. "I was driving home along the main road, and I was terrified to see both you and Sayori standing on the railing. A-after what had just transpired in the club, I could t-take a guess at what was happening, and I... I just..." Yuri sighed and rubbed at her eyes as her voice became noticeably more strained. "I j-just watched. I didn't know what to do, and those few seconds that I sat there was just long enough for those... those heathens to pull up and honk their horn."
Monika leaned over and gave Yuri's arm a gentle squeeze as the girl buried her head within her palms. Between the kotatsu and her sweater, Monika was surprised that adding emotions and sips of wine to the mix didn't leave Yuri burning up, but she gave Yuri the time to gather herself as she quietly took a few breaths and whispered encouragements to herself. Eventually, she was ready to continue.
"I-I wish I had written down their tags, or called the paramedics then, but I was so worried for you two that it was only after I watched that I finally jumped into action. Too little too late, as they say. I knew the river didn't have any roads that ran alongside it until the highway, so I started driving along the backroads that crossed over it hoping to find some sign of you two... I was really starting to lose hope until I saw the sun reflecting off of one of your shirts and I pulled over. And that was about when I found you." Yuri sighed as she finished and took several sips of her glass before leaning back against the divan behind them. Monika could see it in the way she refused to meet her eyes, the heavy breaths that she took and the way her arms fell limply to her side. Yuri felt responsible for what happened, for taking Sayori's cheeriness at face value, for not finding Natsuki, Monika saw it all.
God, don't blame yourself, not when I'm the one who started all of this nonsense. She wanted to tell Yuri not to feel bad, that there was nothing more she could have done and that she had done so much by finding them when she did and calling an ambulance. But she knew the words would be wasted, she knew better than anyone. All she could do was continue to sit and quietly understand where Yuri was coming from, and wait for her question. After a few moments of silence Yuri spoke again, her voice soft and hoarse as she asked her next question.
"Himari wasn't lying about Sayori's depression, was she?" She rasped. "W-well, the part about her having it I mean, or rather the fact that she has it at all, not t-that she's making it up out of nowhere. I refuse to believe Sayori would do such a thing, and I am frankly appalled that I did such a terrible job at recognizing someone who was not only struggling with such a severe disorder, but with keeping her own sexuality away from prying eyes." Yuri shook her head and rubbed at her temples as if fighting off a migraine and Monika considered whether or not to tell her. There was no point in hiding what was so obvious, not when Yuri had already asked for her to be honest.
Monika took another bite of her soup and washed it down with a splash of her wine before nodding. "Yeah, yeah she was telling the truth. Unfortunately she learned that from me, I was so preoccupied with the fact that she had offered to gather a big crowd for the club that I completely let it slip while I was ranting and... well, guess we saw how that went." Monika mumbled. "I found Sayori on the bridge, and I was trying to talk her down... I knew she was depressed before everyone Yuri, she trusted me with that information and I gave it out to the one person who absolutely should not have known." Both girls sat in silence at that for a few moments, the only sound being the ambience from the video game and the occasional sip of wine. Yuri seemed to be deep in thought while Monika was simply brooding in her glass, and a happier memory flashed before her.
"Heh, this reminds me of when you brought in that bottle of wine, during the early days of the club. Remember that?" Monika asked. The memory was one that was particularly strong for Monika, as it had managed to catch every single person in the club off guard. She had no doubt that Yuri had meant well at the time, and saw the beverage as one of celebration as opposed to inebriation. Yuri turned out of thought to Monika, only to groan and shake her head before finishing her glass and setting it along the kotatsu beside Monika's now empty bowl.
"Oh p-please," Yuri insisted, "Don't remind me. I couldn't look anyone in the eye for a week after that happened. My father always insisted light alcohol and celebrations were to go hand-in-hand in our house, and I simply thought everyone grew up with such traditions. Sayori started panicking thinking we were going to get in trouble, and Natsuki..." A soft smile took over Yuri's formerly somber look and her face seemed to glow the more she recalled the event. "Natsuki just laughed. At first I thought everyone was upset or making fun of me when you shot the idea down, but looking back I think it was just a bit... awkward since we were in school." Yuri paused for a second and stood from the kotatsu whilst turning to look at Monika. Their eyes met and Monika could see that grim determination that would occasionally pop up in Yuri from time to time sitting just behind the surface.
"M-Monika, If I may, and please correct me if I'm incorrect." Yuri stammered. "I believe perhaps both of us have, in our own ways, neglected the responsibility that comes with having friends. I know we do not speak terribly often and are more content to simply indulge in our own respective interests, but I do not believe I am mistaken in assuming that the literature club is, in a way, a home for both- no, all of us. As the only two fit members of the club, I would like to ask for your assistance in ensuring that it stays that way, so that perhaps one day soon we might all sit together and enjoy a glass of wine together, as it should be." Yuri's eyes held onto Monika's as she finished and shakily stuck out a hand for Monika to take.
It was like Yuri had said about independence and responsibility going hand in hand, but with friendship rather than independence. Monika had failed to fulfill the trust that the others had put in her by being their president, and Yuri believed herself to have failed to understand the others as both a clubmate and a friend. Despite how little she involved herself, Monika could tell Yuri truly did care for the club, and the words that hid behind her request for Monika's aid were a cry for help in ensuring she did not lose the home she had clearly grown so fond of. There was still much between the two that remained unsaid, such as how Yuri clearly suspected at Monika's homelessness, but Monika felt the gentle pull of sleep grasp her and decided to simply let it go for now. She knew she couldn't protect her clubmates if there was no club after all, and so she also stood from the kotatsu and met Yuri's hand firmly with her own, and grinned at her clubmate.
"Let's both try to do better." Monika promised, and Yuri nodded in turn. "Though, you do know we're still not technically old enough to drink, right?" At least they weren't in school this time around. Yuri chuckled as they let go of each other's hands and began to gather the empty bowls and glasses together.
"Quite true." Yuri acknowledged. "We're all still pretending to be grown up, but we really are just a group of lost children trying our best, aren't we?" Monika only smiled in reply as she slid the door open for Yuri, and the two of them wordlessly cleaned up for the night. The time of questions had come and gone, and the exhaustion of the day began to settle back in as Yuri showed Monika where she would be staying for the night. Yuri explained that they had transformed her brother's old room into a guest room for whenever they had company, and after a brief reminder of where the toilet and kitchen were in case she awoke in the night, Yuri bid her a polite good night and left Monika to her devices. Monika had been worried that her buzzing thoughts and concern for her other two members might keep her from ever getting rest, but the moment she pulled the futon blanket up over her shoulders the warmth and safety of the comforter drifted her away into a dreamless sleep.
Tuesday morning brought with it aches and pains that Monika had only managed to forget about with the aid of painkillers, and a fresh set of scratches along her neck much to her disappointment. Yuri had generously fixed a nice breakfast of leftover zosui for the both of them, and it was only when Monika went to put on her school clothes that she remembered how tattered and dirty her uniform was. Yuri had timidly offered to let Monika stay if she wasn't up for going to school given the circumstances, but Monika felt bad for staying a single night let alone just lounging around for the sake of it. Eventually the two of them came to the agreement of Yuri letting Monika borrow one of her extra button ups and along with a skirt since their sizes were so similar, though Monika promised several times to return them in perfect condition.
Monika wasn't quite sure what to expect walking into school. A part of her feared everyone would turn to look at her immediately and recognize her for either the club's performance or her dive off the bridge, but aside from some polite greetings nobody seemed to pay much attention to her as she made her way to her homeroom. Thinking of homeroom made her ears burn crimson as she thought of sitting down beside Himari. This would be their first meeting since yesterday, and Monika found herself hoping the girl would do something to agitate her, if only to give her a reason. To her surprise however, she found Himari located on the complete opposite end of the room, as diagonally far from Monika's seat as possible now and distinctly missing the ruby red spectacles she had worn prior. She frowned, but Himari didn't even raise her eyes from her desk as Monika sat down at her regular seat and began pulling out her own school papers.
Once Ms. Fujita stepped into the class her eagle eyes immediately snapped over to Himari, her gravelly voice ringing out for the entire class to hear as she crossed her arms and tapped her foot.
"Ms. Ishida, despite the lack of attention you so often show in my class I believe you are not so dim-witted as to have forgotten which seat is yours, or am I mistaken?" Ms. Fujita asked. In any other class Monika suspected a few chuckles would have cropped up from the class, but the sheer authority and firmness in which their homeroom teacher conducted herself seemed to leave any potential hecklers to second-guess themselves. Himari shook her head and quietly pulled something out from her coat and held it up for Ms. Fujita to see.
"No Ma'am, my glasses got busted and I wasn't able to see the board from back there." She explained in an even tone. Ms. Fujita seemed momentarily surprised by her student's genuine response, but she quickly collected herself and moved to the chalkboard to begin the lesson.
"Ah, well then, I suppose that is indeed a sufficient reason. In the future dear, I would appreciate it if you let me know before swapping seats, if only to make sure nobody else is stationed there. Now! I hope you enjoyed the clubs' presentations yesterday everyone, because today we'll be working extra hard to make up for the lack of-" A small chorus of sighs resonated from the class, but it only took a quick glare from their teacher to silence any uprisers, and so Ms. Fujita continued her explanation. Monika couldn't tell if Himari's glasses were actually broken from where she sat, but she had to admit it was a clever excuse to swap seats. So what if she didn't want to acknowledge what happened? That was more than fine by Monika, it just gave her an excuse to not end up in detention for fighting after all.
True to her word, Ms. Fujita kept the pressure up on her students as Monika spent the next several hours learning the various historical entries regarding Japanese trade and the essentials of the four types of economies in the modern world. She kept waiting for someone to come and ask her about the festival or to inquire about her injuries and link them to Sayori's absence, but it seemed the word had not quite spread around school yet. To the few who did notice her bandages she offered polite but vague replies of slipping by some rocks, and teachers and students alike simply wished her a speedy recovery. This should have relieved her, but Monika knew that it was only a matter of time before enough of the students found out. She could only steadily grow more anxious as she waited for someone to finally corner her, but never knowing when that eventuality would strike out at her.
It wasn't until lunchtime that Monika was able to finally rest her mind and her aching hand from the monotonous pain that came from scrupulous note taking. She was more than content to simply wander the hallways and think about her actions from the past few days, given she had no lunch or money for the vending machine. That in turn made her think of someone else who likely had no lunch or pocket money to buy herself a snack: Natsuki. She regretted not having spent as much time concerned over the girl, but it wasn't without reason given her attention had been entirely focused on Sayori's health since the accident. Unlike Sayori however, Natsuki had chosen to leave the club, and her less than pleasant departure hadn't exactly inspired Monika to reach out to the girl.
Monika sighed, she had technically promised to watch after them all and that didn't change purely because one of them had left the club. With a grunt of effort Monika began to scrounge through the empty classrooms and hallways for any sign of her former clubmate, but Natsuki was nowhere to be found. Her thigh was beginning to sting and impede her movements, but without anything in her stomach she didn't dare risk taking a painkiller lest she incurred a stomachache. She managed to check the school courtyard and the bathrooms before the pain began to become more than she was willing to take, and with a sigh of defeat she sent a text to Yuri as the bell to signify the end of her lunch period rang, and her hunt for Natsuki came to a close..
You: Hey Yuri, hope your classes are going well. Any sign of Natsuki today? I looked high and low but I couldn't find her, didn't you mention she had a hiding space by the stairwell or something?
Just as Monika slipped into her seat for her Home Economics class, she felt her phone buzz in her coat pocket and quickly snuck a peak before her teacher could enter the class.
O. Yuri: Regretfully I have yet to see her, though this doesn't surprise me given we share no classes together. I did indeed, and I will be sure to check there amongst other places during my free period. Should all else fail, perhaps she will attend today's club session?
Monika sighed as she was alerted to the sight of her teacher stepping into the classroom and she quickly shoved her phone back into her blazer. Yuri had suggested on the car ride to school that they host the club just in case Natsuki decided to show up, and while Monika had been hesitant given their lack of members, Yuri's hopeful determination had won her over in the end. Though she didn't say it aloud, Monika didn't expect Natsuki to show up to the club at all. It wasn't unfamiliar ground for her to storm out of the club after a particularly tense argument only to show up the next day feeling remorseful, but this time had been different. Natsuki had never blown up quite as loud as she had during the festival, nor had she ever taken her manga out of the club while vocalizing her disdain for them all. To Monika, the chances of Natsuki showing up today felt about as plausible as a surprise snow day. Not technically impossible, but certainly unlikely enough to consider off the table.
So it was that after Monika's own free period in which she had finished up a packet Ms. Fujita had dispensed to her earlier, she found herself staring into the familiar empty clubroom as she slid the door aside. Like usual Monika found herself the first to arrive, and so she absently walked around the clubroom for a moment while she waited. A pang of guilt struck Monika as she saw that all of the cupcake wrappers had been cleaned from the floors while the desks were neat and orderly as they were supposed to be, which meant that some poor soul had been stuck cleaning up her club's mess. She had been so preoccupied with the events of the festival that she had completely disregarded cleaning, and she had the feeling her fellow clubmates had as well. She would have to take responsibility and apologize to whoever had homeroom here, before her club landed itself into any deeper trouble. Before she could follow that train of thought a pair of footsteps approaching from the hallway grabbed Monika's attention, and she turned to the door expectantly.
Yuri peeked her head into the door and glanced hopefully over at Monika, who only shook her own head much to her friend's disappointment. Judging by the look on Yuri's face, Monika could guess that she hadn't found Natsuki during her free period either, and so the two of them silently waited for any sign of their missing clubmate to suddenly make an appearance. The huff of breath, the grumbling about schoolwork, the pitter-patter of slippers against the tiled floor, anything that signified that Monika had been mistaken. Fifteen minutes came and went before Monika finally sighed and grabbed her bag, silently heading for the door.
"She hasn't answered the text I sent. I do hope she hasn't gone so far as to block any of us." Yuri mumbled dejectedly as she followed Monika out into the hallway. "Have you sent her a message, by chance?"
"Honestly, if she isn't answering you then I get the feeling she really wouldn't want to talk to me." Monika admitted bluntly. Yuri only nodded in response and the two left the school without a word until they came to the spot where the sidewalk met the school's parking lot and Yuri tapped Monika on the shoulder.
"Ah, I apologize, I really should have asked earlier. Would you... like to go see Sayori, by chance? I was already planning on visiting her, so please do not feel as though you're occupying my time." Yuri had to force her hair down as the autumn wind coursed through it, and after a moment of consideration Monika nodded. She didn't really feel like being alone with her thoughts on the walk to the shelter anyway, and the prospect of sitting in a warm car instead of fighting the chill that rode on the wind with a sore leg was too tempting to pass up. The ride to the hospital was quiet, but not entirely uncomfortable despite the disappointment they both felt at Natsuki's disappearance, but rather a comfortable form of silence in which they were simply glad not to be going to the hospital alone.
Monika had secretly been hoping that their trip to the hospital might bear more fruit in getting to see one of their missing club members, but her hope fizzled out the moment they entered the room and saw that Sayori was just as unconscious as when she had been there the day before. The nurses informed them that Sayori had awoken since her surgery, but that with her body requiring so much energy to try and repair the damages she had sustained that she was almost certainly asleep far more than she was awake. Yuri and Monika swapped dismayed looks before thanking the nurses and sitting beside Sayori, and when it became clear Yuri needed time to gather her words, Monika spoke first.
She didn't know what to say at first, and so she opted for a few simple well wishes and telling Sayori's sleeping form that she was doing her best to get the club back together before she awoke, but with Yuri nearby she couldn't say anything as personal as the emotional downpour she had let out the night prior. Once she finished she bowed her head and took her leave so that Yuri could speak her piece in private, to which Yuri gave a grateful nod. She started speaking softly to Sayori before Monika had even reached the door, and try as she might Monika couldn't help but overhear snippets of Yuri's one-sided conversation. Snippets like, "miss you" and "don't know what we're doing" that concluded with a hopeless, "fall apart without you to help" before Monika finally closed the door behind her. It didn't take a star student to figure out what Yuri was confiding to Sayori, and Monika had to admit that she agreed with every word.
The next few days seemed to pass in a ceaseless loop of inactivity for Monika. She had resolved to return to the shelter after her and Yuri's uneventful trip to the hospital, with Yuri dropping her off at the park beside Sayori's neighborhood at Monika's request, and spent the rest of the day sitting on her cot while searching for ways to keep her mind busy. At first she scrolled through the internet and read through mounds of webpages describing the effects of having a TBI and the various side effects that could spawn from one, but reading those only dashed whatever hopes she could muster at Sayori's recovery. Eventually she decided to focus on a more positive outlet that could be done while keeping Sayori in mind, and decided to practice her writing and poetry instead.
Each day after school Monika would work on a poem that she would take to Sayori the next day when she and Yuri went to visit and read it to her, something that Monika began to look forward to as each poem brought a new opportunity for her to speak to Sayori, or so that was the plan. Monika hadn't been able to visit the hospital Wednesday due to Yuri having a dentist appointment, and Thursday they were greeted by a sleeping Sayori yet again. Monika wasn't sure if she simply had the worst luck in the world, a worthy contender considering her history, or if Sayori simply didn't desire her company and was feigning sleep every time she showed up. She had even tried to send a text to Sayori's phone while they had driven over there, but no reply had been sent. Yuri tried to reassure her that it was possible they simply had bad timing, and that Sayori had simply adopted a new schedule whilst in the hospital, but Monika's thoughts refused to accept such an option.
She doesn't want to see you. You broke her again because you were careless, and now every time she sees you she'll remember that she couldn't even take her life properly. Now who's the walking reminder?
The school day was fairly consistent with Monika returning to her classes to face off against whatever quiz or assignment her teachers had prepared for her and her classmates. Himari still kept her distance from Monika like usual, but what had begun to change was the attention surrounding the two girls. Just as Monika had predicted, the other students had begun to hear the horror story that was the literature club's culture presentation, and while most people simply gave Monika curious looks, some had been bold enough to approach her with questions regarding the event. Monika, being in no mood to recount what was the most recent addition to her list of awful memories, tried her best to politely dissuade the curious comments and inquiries, but had quickly grown irate once the questions became personal and at times downright insulting.
Some asked her if Himari had given her the injuries she sported, others if the entire thing had been a big publicity stunt for the club. One student even had the nerve to ask if the literature club was a front for sharing and practicing homo-erotica, much to Monika's indignation. It was only when people began to ask if she had put her own club member in the hospital that she had forced herself out of respect for the learning environment to ignore the other students and continue to her next class. It was almost certainly a blessing that her hand was highly sensitive from the stitches, otherwise Monika was certain she would have pulled a Natsuki and attempted to tackle several of her fellow students.
Himari had also seemed to gather a fair number of querists, but what they asked her Monika didn't know. And frankly, she didn't care either.
Natsuki herself still had yet to make an appearance at the club, although Yuri insisted on waiting in the clubroom for a few minutes each day in the vain hope that she would appear. Wednesday and Thursday had come and gone, and still Natsuki did not appear in the clubroom, nor could they find her during their free periods or lunch breaks. Whatever hope the two had gathered in their unification of bringing the club back together quickly fell apart as by the end of the week back in the same spot they had started: no sign of Natsuki, and no change in Sayori. The latter wasn't entirely true, according to the nurses who were Sayori's wards, she was making decent progress in her healing and had even attempted walking with crutches with surprising success, but neither Yuri nor Monika had yet to actually speak to her.
Monika waited for Yuri in the clubroom after spending her free period debating whether or not to try sending Sayori another text, if she hadn't received the notification for it then it wouldn't hurt to send another, but if she had and simply didn't want to talk then Monika would look pushy. She looked around the clubroom while she waited, and realized how wrong it felt for the room to be so empty. Monika had seen so many things take place within this one room, so many memories good and bad that she had been left with after being deleted. She saw the closet where Natsuki had precariously fallen after attempting to use a swivel chair, the spot between two desks where she had let Sayori cry into her shoulder the first time they discussed her depression; she had never thought that she might actually make new memories here.
The image of Sayori huddled beside the teacher's desk and sobbing was another memory she could now add, along with the area between the windows and the computer where Natsuki had asked her why she couldn't accept the fact that the festival was her fault. Monika could feel sweat pooling in her palms. Too many sad memories, and not nearly enough happy ones. A bump from behind her alerted Monika to Yuri who had tripped slightly over an uneven desk upon entering, and she sat limply on the floor with her hair draped over the chair and her lips gently parted in a final breath. The streak of blood across her otherwise dainty cheek was nothing compared to the puddle that had amassed beneath her sprawled form. The way her hair sat against her paling face, the gentle look of bliss upon her face as she stared at nothing; only someone like Yuri could have died and still looked so peaceful, so beautiful.
Monika felt her breath catch as her hands desperately grasped at the teacher's desk behind her, but in her hurried attempt to further herself from her friend's corpse she slipped and found herself crashing into the desk instead. The bloodstained knife sat at her feet and she let out a strangled cry as she kicked the weapon as far as she could, but the trail of blood that had come from its initial fall from Yuri's hand remained. She heard Natsuki's shrill cry followed by the gurgling of vomit spewing down her front from somewhere to her left, but she couldn't see her. Perhaps it hadn't even been Natsuki, but her own voice crying out. All she could see was Yuri's slowly decaying face, her muscles having long since softened as the smell of rot filled Monika's nostrils and for a moment she thought she might hurl as well. She wasn't the only one staring at Yuri, they stood there before her, unresponsive, unmoving, until the avatar she had conjured up so she could have someone to look at when she talked turned and stared at her.
"Monika, Monika please I need you to take a deep breath. Please Monika, tell me where you are. C-can you do that?" A voice gently coaxed her, and she managed to turn her eyes to her right where Yuri was no longer dead and rotting, but looking at her with panic and fear in her eyes. Monika kept her eyes on her friend, purely out of fear for what she would see if she turned back, and scraped her nails along the hardwood floor. The question repeated in Monika's head over and over again, until the jumble of words that Yuri had spoken to her became coherent and she managed to breathe in from her chest.
"C-clubroom." Monika whispered. Yuri nodded and moved to give her a pat on the shoulder but seemed to think better of it and instead sat beside her club president.
"Yes, excellent. You're doing well, now, what do you smell? Can you smell anything?" Yuri prompted, and for a moment she felt genuine fear hold her back from breathing in through her nose. She didn't want to inhale the smell of rotting flesh and vomit again, but after another gentle nudge from Yuri she took in a quick sniff of the air around her. She was almost surprised when she didn't immediately gag.
"Uh, the flower that your car always smells like. I can't... I can't think of what it's called." Monika managed and Yuri gave another nod, a hopeful smile appearing on her face.
"It's lilac, I sprayed a bit just now to help calm you down." Yuri's voice was quiet still, but her hushed tones were a welcome change from what Monika had been hearing moments before. She could feel the tunnel vision fading and her chest loosening as she felt her heart slowly but surely even out to its normal beat. Slowly Monika risked a glance over to the rest of the clubroom and was relieved to find no corpse, no blood, and nobody staring at her. With shaking arms she began to lift herself up from the floor and winced as she neglected to spare her injured hand from the pressure, but she still managed to stand all the same.
Yuri stood as well, her hands in what looked to be a readied position as if she expected Monika to fall again and her encouraging look turned to one of concern. "Monika, are you sure you're well enough to stand? That looked like a very nasty- M-Monika? Where are you going?" But Monika had already grabbed her bag off of the very desk she had crumpled against and quickly strode out the door. She heard Yuri calling to her, but she could only form a garbled reply of reassurance telling her friend that she wasn't feeling well and needed to go home. She couldn't recall if she had wished her a pleasant day or told her that she'd better tomorrow, all she knew was that she soon found herself stepping out into the refreshing afternoon sun and turned back to look behind her. Nobody had followed her.
Monika sighed and ran her hands through her hair, and for a second she contemplated going back inside and apologizing for rushing out and looking like a fool, but she knew the damage was already done. With a final look at the school and a quiet curse under her breath, Monika began to walk down the sidewalk with a hand against her head. The initial shock of her meltdown had long ago worn off, but the creeping disappointment was beginning to set in just as Monika passed the parking lot for the school and spotted Yuri's car. She didn't feel like visiting Sayori today anyway, between her breakdown and the underlying feeling that Sayori didn't want to see her, Monika couldn't find the motivation to travel to the other side of town.
Monika knew it was silly to think that her problems would magically disappear just because she jumped into the river to save Sayori, but a part of her hoped that her episodes might at least become fewer and far between. Still just as damaged as you were when you got here, huh, she mused silently. At first it seemed like things would get better after the festival, with Monika finding herself a new purpose to guide herself down and Yuri there to help her, but the more she looked at it the more it seemed like everything was falling apart. No Sayori, no Natsuki, and the small bit of bonding she had managed to obtain with Yuri had likely taken two steps back with how she had just bolted out of the clubroom. She would have to apologize later with a text, she had the feeling Yuri wasn't particularly fond of phone calls.
The walk home was quiet, but her wandering thoughts and speculating left it anything but peaceful. She had hardly reached the front steps of the shelter when her phone buzzed and, hoping it was Sayori, quickly pulled her phone from her blazer and clicked on her texts.
O. Yuri: Sayori was discharged from the hospital earlier this afternoon it seems. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable, and hope you feel better.
Sayori had been discharged? That seemed awfully quick from Monika's perspective, but when she considered that the surgery for the back of her head had already been completed on the first day of her arrival, she supposed it shouldn't have come as a complete surprise. It wasn't like she knew much about hospitals anyhow, and if Yuri didn't seem concerned neither should she. She slipped her phone back into her breast pocket and felt a flash of guilt at the rest of the text. Leave it to Yuri to apologize for helping after Monika caused a problem. She'd definitely have to apologize now.
After her mandatory but not unwelcome shower and greeting a few of the attendants and volunteers whom Monika had come to recognize, she lazily flopped down on the cot she had come to consider her own and patiently awaited the distribution of the blankets before dinner was served. She reached for her bag, considering working on her poetry again, but thinking about Sayori only seemed to fuel her unease, so she opted for scrolling on her phone for a bit. The battery was waning again, she'd have to find someone who could spare her a charger, but since she only ever used her phone for the occasional text or alarm she figured a bit of entertainment wouldn't kill her. It was one of the few comforts she could afford in the real world after all.
This isn't the real world, genius. She sighed through her nose and tried to focus on her screen. She stared at the blank webpage for a moment, suddenly unsure of what to look up now that the entire web sat before her. On a whim she opened a new tab and googled "visions of friends dying", her eyes glossing over the list of articles hoping to find someone out there who may have shared something similar, despite the fact that her history seemingly denied any chance of such a thing. When she only received links to self-help pages and articles discussing seeing the deceased in dreams, she groaned aloud and backed out of the page in frustration. So much for the wonders of modern technology.
Monika had eventually resorted to scrolling through short stories and videos of slam poetry online to keep her brain distracted, even when she was trying to avoid things such as her problems, in this case poetry, she always managed to find her way back to them. The sound of feet approaching her cot alerted her and she paused the video, worried she had been playing her video too loud and was bothering someone until she remembered she purposefully sat in a less populated area of the aisles, and realized it must've been time for the blankets to be delivered. She sat up and yawned, scratching her head as she looked over to receive a blanket from the designated volunteer, but her muscles suddenly stiffened and she held her phone up to her chest as her lips slowly parted.
Sayori Moriyama stood before her, exhausted and with only the faintest of smiles stretched on her face, but standing before Monika all the same. The bandage wrapped around her forehead was eye-catching, as was the pair of crutches and the thick black cast wrapped firmly around her right foot, but Monika was more drawn to her friend's eyes. There was so much hidden behind those eyes, and Monika wasn't sure if she could have dissected all of the baggage if she had been given the next week to do so, but despite that she could only give a shaky laugh as she felt something well up inside of her. Sayori's smile widened a little, and for a moment the two only stared at each other.
There was so much to talk about, so many questions and worries that Monika felt like spilling out immediately, but she managed to hold back for Sayori's sake. It wouldn't do to bombard her after she had only left the hospital earlier that day, though she wasn't entirely convinced she could manage proper words in that moment regardless. All she cared about was that Sayori was okay. Seeing her breathing, smiling, moving albeit handicapped, it flooded Monika with the largest wave of relief she had ever felt. At first she thought that Sayori was volunteering, but then realized how silly it would be for her to do so after getting out of the hospital whilst still injured, and determined that she was visiting. She had come all the way here to see Monika, but was it to thank her, or to scold her? The sad look in her eyes gave little away.
Monika was about to stand and attempt as gentle a hug as she could when something on Sayori's figure caught her eye. She was carrying something large on her back, something long and thick that was slung from her shoulder and past her hip. A duffel bag. Monika's face fell from one of relief to confusion, and then to abject horror as she saw that Sayori's fringe didn't sit over her face like it always did, but instead had been slicked back and was still dripping water onto her shoulders. As if she had just finished taking a shower.
Monika felt her mouth go dry and her hands slowly fell to her lap as she looked up at Sayori who had taken to looking at the ground for a few moments before finally bringing her eyes back up to meet Monika's. Monika was reminded of when she had first come across Sayori in the shelter over a week ago, and the same question that had been asked then seemed to be on her lips now, but she couldn't form the words. What are you doing here? Sayori nervously brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and Monika could see the orange ribbon wrapped firmly around her wrist. For the first time in days she heard Sayori's voice, but it didn't bring about the same thrill or happiness in her that she had thought it would, only the tinges of dismay.
"Hey, Monika..." Sayori breathed. "Mind if I sit with you for a little while?"