Chapter 9: No Good Deed
A chapter that allows broken souls to speak, and one conversation goes better than the other.
Being in the shelter had always instilled a feeling of loneliness in Monika. The homeless population that used the shelter were more often than not reclusive in their dealings with the other members, and would only speak to volunteers and attendants when posing a question or asking for assistance. Monika could only remember a single instance of when she had spoken to another vagrant in the shelter, and even then it had only been a response to an elderly woman asking if she knew where her daughter was. Monika had gently told the woman, whose memory she suspected was failing, that she didn't, but not before her heart broke in two at seeing firsthand the misfortune the world had gifted to others.
Sitting beside Sayori at one of the tables that the volunteers had set up for dinner helped fight that feeling of being alone, but the sorrow and sympathy she had felt in speaking to the older woman seemed to resurface as she watched her friend use her chopsticks to pick at her rice. Dinner had been served not long after Sayori had sat down on the cot across from Monika, and the two had only sat and stared at each other in silence before awkwardly following the others towards the serving line.
I brought you here, Monika thought as she tried to take a bite from her own bowl. Her thumb and index finger still ached something fierce whenever she used them, thankfully she hadn't forgotten her prescription bottle and downed a pill with a styrofoam cup filled with water beside her. I told the police you might have been suicidal, and they told your family, and now you've been kicked out because they know about either your depression, or your sexuality, or both. Why is it that I can't stop ruining your life Sayori?
"Bleugh, is this what we've been serving you this entire time?" Sayori suddenly asked, breaking Monika from her thoughts as she looked over to see her friend holding up a brown lump that may have been a boiled piece of eggplant, or a soggy tea-bag that had been left out in the sun for too long. "I never would have volunteered if I knew we were poisoning you guys with rice and yucky veggies." Sayori gave Monika an awkward smile before sticking it into her mouth and making an effort to try and chew through it, though if the following coughing and gagging was anything to go by, the result was less than pleasant.
Monika admired her attempt at small talk to lighten the mood, it was so inherently "Sayori" and a part of her that Monika had to admit she missed dearly. Though she couldn't bring herself to match it with the lingering cloud she felt hanging over the both of them. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, had needed to ask, but she couldn't think of a single one at that moment. Whether Sayori was unconscious or awake, Monika never knew what to say when she was around, and when she did manage to say something it was rarely clever or nice. Finally she decided on a question that would hopefully help begin the long and arduous process of getting them past the awkward tension that clung to them.
"How are you holding up?" Monika had to admit that as far as questions went, it was a pretty stupid one. The fact that she was here at all was an answer, the crutches that she had set along the bench were an answer, the hazy and lost look of someone whose entire world had been turned upside down in a single day told Monika more than she would ever need to know for that one question. But she needed to reconnect with Sayori, she needed to know what had happened. The last remnants of the smile Sayori had been holding onto crumbled as she spoke, and in that moment Monika thought the girl beside her looked so much older than the one she had seen on the bridge.
"Oh I'm doing fine! I'm doing really… not good." Sayori admitted as she picked at her rice again. "Everything hurts, breathing, speaking, thinking, no matter what I do I end up making some part of me hurt. My head feels like I'm getting a… oh, what do you call it, when the bullies put a kid's head in the toilet like in those cheesy movies? That. It feels like that." Sayori sighed and forced a couple more mouthfuls down while Monika tried not to reach over and comfort her, since she had no idea what might be sore and what might not. "I think this might singlehandedly be the worst day of my life, which- aha, which is saying a lot isn't it?"
Monika didn't know what to say, she had really never been the best at comforting her friends when it came to personal problems, not for a lack of trying of course. It was Sayori who always worked miracles in comforting the club and the people around her, but who would comfort Sayori when she needed it? Monika drummed her fingers against her arm for a moment. She knew that there were no magic words she could say to magically make Sayori's negative feelings and problems vanish, but there had to be something in that head of hers to at least somewhat console her friend. What would Sayori say if it had been the other way around?
"Well, that's kind of a good thing isn't it?" She asked. At Sayori's puzzled expression she quickly continued. "I mean, if today really is the worst day of your life, then… that means everything after this has to be better, right?" Monika knew she was terrible at this, but her promise to keep her friends safe rang in her ears again, and she knew that if she could help keep Sayori from succumbing to despair again for just a little while then it would be a victory. Sayori looked at Monika for a moment before shaking her head and letting out a breathy chuckle.
"That's a nice thought." Sayori stated softly, grabbing her bowl and reaching over for her crutches that sat beside her. Monika saw her predicament before she did and quickly placed Sayori's empty bowl on top of her own before making sure that she was able to rise from the table without help. Sayori winced and took in a sharp breath, but after a few moments she was able to propel herself off of the bench and onto her crutches. Monika smiled and motioned that she was going to take their bowls up, to which Sayori gave a sigh that seemed almost caustic to Monika. The way her lips were firmly drawn with both of her eyebrows lowered before she turned around left Monika puzzled, and she quickly made her way back to their cots after her task.
She found Sayori sitting across from her own, her duffel bag tucked beneath the cot and one of her crutches beside it, the other gripped in Sayori's hands by the rung to prop herself up. The blankets had seemingly been delivered during dinner, because Sayori had one draped over her shoulders. Monika motioned to the spot beside her, and when her friend made no obvious sign of declining, she sat down beside Sayori where the two sat in relative silence for a moment. Finally Monika risked a question as she looked at her and asked, "Are you mad at me?"
Sayori immediately raised her head up, which she seemed to regret just as fast as a pained expression crossed her face. "Ow, I mean- no! No, of course not. Why would you think that?" She asked. Her tone seemed genuine enough, but there was still an underlying bitterness in her voice that gave Monika credence to her suspicions, and she closed her eyes.
"I… Sayori, come on. I can take a guess as to why you're here, you don't have to play dumb." Monika insisted. This was it, after nearly a week of disconnect between the two, Monika was ready to face Sayori's feelings towards her, whatever they were. "I went to the hospital almost every day with Yuri and you were asleep, or-or maybe you were pretending to be, I don't know. And then I texted you and you never responded and I told the police about you possibly being suicidal and I shouldn't have done that and I told Himari about you being depressed and I let you fall off of the bridge and got you kicked out-" The worlds spilled out of her mouth before she could reel them back, and her cheeks grew red with heat as she tried to fight back the tears she refused to show.
Her voice was cut off suddenly as Sayori grabbed the sides of Monika's face, and her eyes opened to see Sayori's blue ones directly across from her own. "Monika, stop." Sayori's voice was firm, but rather than the scorn or disdain Monika had expected she heard only worry. Worry and care. "You need to slow down and breathe, okay? That was a mouthful and a half to unpack and I know we both need to talk, but before any of that I need you to understand that I am not mad at you. Okay? You are not responsible for what happened to me. Repeat that in your head for me." Monika slowly nodded in response and Sayori lowered her hands from Monika's face. She sat conflicted for a moment, taking a deep breath and thinking before opening her mouth to speak again.
"But if you're not mad, then what was with that look just now… why all this…" Monika gave a small wave of her hands to indicate everything that had transpired over the week and Sayori sighed.
"I knew this wasn't going to be fun to talk about, but if anyone deserves an explanation it's you, Moni. My only requests are that you let me finish without interrupting, and that this entire conversation doesn't focus solely on me. Okay?" Monika could tell that she was serious, and the prospect of finally finding out Sayori's side of things was so appealing that she nodded instinctually. Sayori took in a deep breath and patted her thighs with her hands.
"So, let's start with me being asleep because everything else requires context." Sayori began. "I woke up at like, I don't know, eight in the evening Monday night? They did the surgery and everything while I was asleep, but that was just for my head. See?" Sayori turned with a slight grunt and lifted the back of her hair up to show a stitched surgery scar that ran from the top of her neck to the back of her head, a path of shaved hair in its wake. Monika winced. "Doctor Sano told me they were worried I was going to go into a coma, and that I got really lucky, like probably-would-have-died-if-things-hadn't-lined up-the-way-they-did lucky."
"She told me that chances are, both me and you would have died from that fall with the amount of rocks and rugged debris in that river, if it hadn't been raining so much last week that it raised the water level. Dead or, well, severely paralyzed." Now that Sayori had turned back to face Monika she could see the tired look in her eyes again, and she realized how much she hated seeing those eyes have so many bags. "I was up for most of the night, mostly because I think one of the nurses forgot to come by and give me the proper dosage of painkillers, but also because I kept thinking. I thought about the last conversation I had with Natsuki, what I remember of it, and I thought about the promise I made to Yuri last weekend about having a sleepover. I thought about how I had let you take my hand and almost took you down with me."
Monika was taken aback and had a retort on her tongue saying that if anyone was to blame it was herself, but Sayori shook her head to prevent her from speaking. Monika bit her tongue. "So yeah, I was pretty tired Tuesday. I uh, I ended up sleeping through you and Yuri's visit, and I'm really sorry. I know you guys must've been really worried, but that one day jacked up my entire sleeping schedule." She sighed, giving a shake of the head before continuing. "So, I saw my parents Tuesday morning, and they were really happy that I was okay. Well, as 'okay' as I could be, and then we uh… we talked." There was another pause as Sayori gathered both a breath and her thoughts, and as much as Monika wanted to speak she managed to hold herself back. "They asked if I had… if I had jumped. And at first I wanted to say that, 'no, I hadn't' but… I guess I wanted to be brave. Brave like you were, when you stood up on that rail with me. I knew there was no real running from it at that point."
"I told the officer that you jumped, or well, that I thought you jumped." Monika interrupted. She felt bad for jumping in, but she felt the need to explain herself as if she had cheated at a game or stolen something. She was not brave. Bravery was facing one's fear and continuing forward anyway, not finding an easy way out. "And that I jumped in after you. I didn't want your family to find out from someone like me, but I thought it might… inspire a conversation, about getting help?" She recoiled as if she expected Sayori to yell at her, but her friend only gave her a comforting smile.
"It's okay, I told you I'm not mad. You did what you thought was best, and I appreciate you trying to look out for me. You've been doing that a lot lately, eheh. But yeah, I came clean about everything." Sayori locked her hands together and a familiar wistful look showed up on her face, though it was less happy than the last time Monika had seen it. "About still being depressed, about being gay- well, technically bi, but I think it's kinda all the same to them, and about… wanting to die."
Monika nodded at Sayori's explanation, but as she replayed her words in her head something stuck out. "Wait, still being depressed? So, they knew about it?" She asked. Sayori gave a little nod and hummed in confirmation. She reached down to grab at her duffel bag but a cry of pain stopped her in her tracks. Monika quickly leaned down and grabbed the bag herself, helping Sayori leverage it on her lap so that she could dig through it with a sour look.
"Yeah, they knew when I was younger." Sayori muttered as she pulled out a stuffed chicken and held it tight. "I started doing therapy when I was thirteen, and then I stopped at about fifteen because they thought I was getting better." Holding the stuffed animal seemed to soothe some of Sayori's unease and Monika recognized it as the same one that Sayori had lent her when she had her meltdown the weekend prior.
"But, why would they think that? Did they just assume, or were you actually getting better for a time?" Monika asked. She was trying to get an image of the Moriyamas beyond her first impression of them, and so far all she was getting was conflicted images of a kindly couple who had paid her medical bill, but had also let their only daughter end up in a shelter. The fact that they had seemingly known about Sayori's depression didn't help their case, and Monika silently weighed how heavily busting a window with a rock might affect her conscience.
Sayori gave a joyless laugh and looked up towards Monika. "Because I told them I was." She answered, as if it should have been obvious. "I came downstairs one night to pee and I heard them in the kitchen, talking about bills. They were up trying to figure out how they were going to put food on the table that month, Monika. Because of my therapy bills." Monika saw Sayori's fingers clench the stuffed chicken a little harder and she could hear the heavier breaths coming from her friend as she tried to contain her emotions. "We've never been in poverty, but we're not rich or anything either. Therapy isn't covered by health insurance, and that stuff gets expensive when you become a regular customer, you know? So yeah, I pretended I was okay. Kept everything bottled up inside, and slowly things went back to normal. I was a good kid again."
"This leads back to them talking to me in the hospital." Sayori sighed. "They told me that they had already looked into every local psychologist and psychiatrist, shaman, cleric, and knowing them probably a few quack doctors, to try and help me. And then I found out they had my stuff and had gone through my phone, my laptop, my school books, everything to try and pin down where they went wrong. I tried to tell them I didn't want them to worry, or for things to change, but they didn't listen… they never listen..." Sayori's voice trailed off and Monika turned back to see that her friend's head sat buried into her palms.
Monika scooted over and gently laid a hand over Sayori's shoulder, though at the sound of pained breath she instead laid a hand on her friend's good knee: she had almost forgotten about the sore clavicle. Sayori let out a few choked sobs and quietly shook the tears from her eyes, and Monika took the ensuing silence as a chance to speak.
"That's why you couldn't respond…" Monika bit her lip and silently scolded herself for thinking it was because Sayori was mad at her. Not everything had to be about her and she knew it. She gave her friend's knee a caring squeeze and softly asked the question Sayori seemed hesitant to get to, "Did they kick you out?" To her surprise Sayori shrugged and gazed back at her with tear-filled eyes that made Monika's want to water on instinct.
"They probably would have if I had let them. Eventually." Sayori murmured. "They don't like looking bad, my parents. The whole way home they kept telling me how everything was going to change, that they were going to do everything in their power until I was better. They talked about moving me to a new school so nobody would know about my sexuality or depression and we could start again, about getting a better psychiatrist, and failing that taking…" Sayori choked as if finishing the sentence caused her physical discomfort, and it was only when she did that Monika truly understood why it had elicited such a response from her.
"Conversion therapy."
The words hung in the air as the two girls went silent, neither one able to speak after such a bombshell. Monika felt her hands clench tighter every time the words replayed in her head. Conversion therapy. Actual conversion therapy. Monika wasn't so ignorant as to be unaware of the horrible pseudoscientific nonsense that had once been a mainstream medical treatment, about the horror stories that stemmed from some of the more earlier methods of "transition". While she was sure there were some innocuous (and she used the word lightly) methods such as prayer and social pressure, there was no ignoring the downright inhumane and tortuous methods that had been used in times past. It made Monika's very blood boil with rage.
How dare they? If Monika had a shit-list, she had no doubt Sayori's parents would be at the top, or at least right below Himari. The thought of someone as sweet as Sayori being forced to become sick over and over again, or God forbid an ice-pick induced lobotomy that would surely leave her friend in a vegetative-like state, Monika was sure she might hit something. She knew deep down it was unlikely such practices were even legal or practiced in the modern age, but it did not stop her from desiring nothing more than to go feral on Sayori's parents. She hadn't even realized her arms were shaking until Sayori had reached out to grab ahold of one.
Monika's eyes met Sayori's again, hardly surprised by the amount of care and concern that radiated from them. Sayori was always so careful of others, she would have given the world to the first unhappy person she met if she could, so how could people so closely related to her be so inconsiderate? Their talk had been meant to explain things, but it only gave Monika more questions. She wanted to shout her frustration to the world, but her thoughts wouldn't reach her voice, and most of all she knew she needed to keep her cool for Sayori's sake. Sayori didn't seem to suffer quite as heavily from this problem, continuing on once Monika stopped shaking.
"I guess they thought that my depression making a reappearance was connected to me liking girls." Sayori said dryly. "And they were spitballing when they mentioned conversion therapy anyway… I know they were probably just panicking, and meant well in their own way. I didn't want them to dump all of their money into me again, I didn't want to lose the few things that helped me fight away the rain clouds like the club and my friends, and I didn't know what I was going to do." The sullen look transformed, however briefly, into a sheepish smirk that caught Monika by surprise. "So I, you know, might have loaded up my stuff into a duffel and tossed it into the bushes from the balcony. Aaaand then I might've asked my mom if I could sit on the front porch for a moment since I hadn't felt the sun in nearly a week."
Despite the somber tone the conversation had been up to that point, Monika almost let out a snort at that. "Wait wait, so your parents, who no longer trusted you to the point that they snooped through your belongings, let their recently suicidal daughter out the front door just like that?" It wasn't necessarily funny, but it was the closest they had been to lighthearted all day and Monika felt the need to latch onto it. Sayori gave a weak smile and nodded in return.
"Ehehe, I know, right? I guess they didn't anticipate someone who required crutches to walk would just up and leave, I mean I didn't even think I would do it until I was hobbling down the street. I don't know what I was thinking, I mean, I guess I wasn't because my first thought was to hide out in this abandoned house that's down the street." Sayori explained. "It was actually my best friend's house when we were little, but he moved away when I was about eleven, and nobody ever moved back into it." Monika felt a shiver course through her at the thought of the decrepit house that sat three doors down from the Moriyama residence; it was the first time anyone had mentioned them in this world and it felt downright surreal to her.
"Did uh, was there anyone there?" Monika stumbled through her words and forced her brain to think straight. She was supposed to focus on Sayori. "I mean, was there anything in there? Furniture, or…"
Sayori shook her head. "I was a bit too scared to look through the whole house, and I realized hiding out in an abandoned building with a broken leg was probably a really dumb idea. His parents room had some really nasty perfume lying around, and there was a busted laptop and a broken bed frame in his old room, but not much else. It brought back a lot of memories, of being a kid and not having…" She paused to take a deep breath, followed by another reassuring squeeze from Monika. "Anyway, yeah. Then I came here… that's uh, that's my story." Sayori turned back to her with a somewhat forced smile, but Monika could no longer meet her gaze under the weight of that smile.
It was a lot to take in, even as a third-party Monika felt horrified and disheartened at the discovery that even after nearly taking her life, Sayori's life had only continued to spiral downwards. Despite what Sayori told her, it was painfully obvious that what had happened was Monika's fault. She had broken Sayori's trust time and time again, turning her back on Sayori because just looking at her gave Monika an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt, selfishly pushing her friend closer to the edge. Now she had seemingly thrown the safety and consistent comfort of Sayori's home life to the wind, leaving Monika's choice of either encouraging or chiding her a factor in what happened next.
I can't let her follow my lifestyle, Monika decided. She was thrilled Sayori was okay, but now that she was, Monika knew she couldn't continue to be around her. What if she lashed out at her again, or betrayed her trust? Considering their history Monika felt she should have been grateful that Sayori had come out of this calamity with just the injuries and problems that she had. Not where my fangs can still reach her.
"Say, I know home isn't a good place for you right now." Monika began, picking her words carefully. "But, are you sure being homeless like me is the right way to do it? Aren't you worried about the consequences? I'm not saying go back of course, but your parents clearly care for you, even if they're misguided like you said. They're… I mean they're probably worried, terrified out of their wits, and bound to phone in the police…" She couldn't tell Sayori to go back home in good conscience, but she felt like she had to try to convince her to take a different route. She leaned over and cupped Sayori's cheek gently, trying to show her words came from a place of affection rather than judgement. "You're wonderful, Sayori, but please don't clip your wings and… and lower yourself, because of what I did. There are other ways to get out of your household."
Sayori's small smile slowly contorted into a frown, and she lifted her head from Monika's hand. Monika instantly regretted her words as she saw Sayori's face take on a look of frustration, and her next words were seeded with hurt.
"Gosh darnit, you're still doing it!" She accused. Despite her seemingly censored language, Monika could feel the exasperation in her voice. It stung surprisingly deep. "You're still trying to take on everything alone and put all of the blame on yourself, but you don't have to Monika! You don't have to act so brave when you're hurt, you know. I'm just as responsible, if not moreso, for what happened with Himari! And yeah, it hurt to know you let my secret slip, but I'm the dope who had a crush on her! Did you throw me off of that bridge, Monika? Did you?"
"W-well, no but I-"
"Did you tell my parents to respond to what happened by doubling down on being protective?"
"No… I just told the police-"
"So if you didn't do either of those things, then I can't see a single reason to blame you." Sayori said assuredly, as if that ended the conversation. "And as it happens I didn't leave completely on a whim, I thought long and hard about this. I even left a note on my desk explaining this to my parents the best I could. Even if they do call the police, I kinda doubt they're going to pour a lot of resources into a runaway girl who's going to turn eighteen in like, four days." Sayori huffed and crossed her arms, but Monika only felt worse at her words.
Sayori's birthday was in a few days? Monika hadn't even known what her friends' birthdays were, the prospect of them having birthdays had never even crossed her mind up until now. And now Sayori was going to spend her birthday in a shelter because of her. She didn't want Sayori to stay in the shelter for either of their sakes, but her options were quickly running out. What did she have left?
"I-I don't want you to be around me, Say. Maybe Yuri could let you stay-"
"No!" Sayori cried out. "No 'but's, no 'I just's, stop trying to hurt yourself to make up for whatever mistakes you think you made." Her words sent chill after chill down Monika's spine. She didn't know how to react, she had never been confronted so blatantly, and she was fairly confident that she didn't want to be. The familiar prickle of discomfort lashed at her insides and made her hair stand on end. The voices in her head were shutting down everything Sayori said; she had just gotten out of the hospital so it only made sense she wasn't thinking clearly. Monika couldn't continue sitting by her anymore though, her brain was telling her to retreat to the bathroom or a closet, anything that would get her away from Sayori.
She had hardly lifted herself off of the cot when something gripped her wrist, and she turned in time to see Sayori pulling her back towards her with surprising force for a girl nursing three broken ribs. "Don't you dare, Monika." Sayori said through clenched teeth as she pulled her friend back to the point that Monika had to be careful not to land on her. "Please, don't run away from me anymore. Do you think you're the only one who feels bad for what happened? Do you think I don't feel terrible for dragging you into that river with me, or were you hoping I'd miss the bandages on your hand and the scratches on your knuckles? Or how you limp with your left leg?" Her voice was so firm, Monika couldn't recall a time when she had heard Sayori sound so assertive.
"That's not your fault though, you fell in- er, I think you fell at least, and I jumped in. I would've done it for the others too, it was my choice." Monika's voice was feeble, especially compared to Sayori's beside her. She knew she was probably being incredibly hypocritical, but she just couldn't help it. Monika was a monster, guilty of more than anyone would ever know or understand, so a few injuries were just her paying her dues if anything. There was a sort of karmic justice in it. Sayori wasn't like her, so what she was presenting didn't fit into the same bill, right?
"Exactly! That's what I'm trying to get at. We're both responsible Monika, and I'd much rather you blame me than continue to beat yourself into the ground like this." Her voice was so desperate. Why did she care so much? Because she doesn't know the truth, that was why. "God, I really don't want to see my best friend hurting herself any more… please."
"But-"
"Do you know what I thought about in that bed, Monday night?" Sayori interrupted before Monika could slide another condescending admission into the conversation. She slowly shook her head. "I couldn't stop thinking about how close I came to actually dying. Dying like I had imagined a hundred times over, dying and being rid of this awful world and my awful self. I honestly can't remember half of what happened on Monday morning, and that first night is even a bit blurry."
"I thought about how I felt when I fell, about how everything I hated about myself could probably be fixed, how I reached up to desperately grab your hand, because in that moment I realized for the first time in my life, I did not want to die. I don't know if I wanted to live, but I didn't want to die." Monika felt the chill of Sayori's palm slide into her uninjured one, and another shiver coursed through her. She didn't want to look into Sayori's eyes, scared of what she might see inside of them, or worse what might be reflected back. She still wanted to leave, each sentence only makingMonika more and more uncomfortable as if they were teetering on the edge of a ledge she didn't want to step over. Sayori seemed to face no such hindrance and continued.
"That was because of you, Moni. I wish I could remember everything you said, because whatever it was was enough to make me want to consider not jumping, if just for a few minutes longer." Sayori squeezed her hand. What was going to happen? This fearful anticipation, was it the sign of another meltdown? Was she about to see her friend's corpse again? "The last thing I thought about, was probably the one I spent the most time thinking of in that bed." The shelter seemed deathly quiet despite the occasional passing volunteer, as silent as the void but with much more feeling in it, and much more warmth.
"What brought you to that bridge in the first place?" Sayori asked, her voice so soft that it was barely heard, but she didn't require an answer. She already knew. Before Monika knew what was happening Sayori had pulled her into the blanket and enveloped Monika in a gentle hug, holding her close enough for Monika's chin to fall into her friend's shoulder comfortably. The warmth radiating from Sayori was like a hot shower that managed to hit every spot just right, and her arms kept Monika in place without fear of either leaning off balance.
"I don't know who hurt you, or who you hurt." Sayori whispered. "You keep thinking you're so terrible, that nobody can forgive you. Well, I forgive you." Memories of shortly after they had first formed the club flashed to the front of Monika's mind. Sayori had told Monika about her suicidal thoughts, of how sometimes each day seemed harder than the last and how worthless she truly felt all while sobbing into Monika's chest. Now the script had flipped, and each misfortune Monika had endured over the past two weeks seemed to replay over and over while she felt her body begin to shake against Sayori's. How long had it been since she had felt someone else's touch? How long since someone had held Monika and told her that it was going to be okay? She couldn't remember. Had she ever felt that? The feeling of Sayori's hands around her back were suddenly so much warmer than when she had slid them into Monika's palm.
Monika wasn't sure when the tears had started to fall, or when her breath had become so shaky that it became obvious her body was being wracked by small quiet sobs. She certainly hadn't meant to cry so openly, but once she started she found it impossible to stop no matter how hard she tried. Her vision became blurry and the only sound she could discern was Sayori's soothing hums as she held her close and gently rubbed Monika's back. It seemed to last forever, but for just a few minutes Monika forgot that she was alone. She forgot that she had no home and no family, that she had nothing but guilt and memories that would never give her a single night's peace. For just a couple minutes Monika forgot all of those things, and felt instead only the warmth of someone else.
"I know with everything that happened, this can be really hard," Sayori whispered as she rubbed Monika's back, "But... can you trust me? Can you trust me to want to stay alive? Can you trust me to help you?"
After a few moments of stillness Monika pulled back from Sayori. Sayori smiled and wiped a solitary tear from her own eye, and for once Monika was positive that the smile was genuine. She had left a line of tears trailing down Sayori's back, but her friend didn't seem to mind at all. Instead she gave her a gentle pat as the two parted, and Monika wiped her eyes on her sweater sleeve.
"Only if you can trust me to do the same." Monika insisted. It was the only way she could bring herself to accept Sayori's help, with the both of them deeming themselves to be undeserving of anyone's worry or concern. It was going to be a tough road, but Monika wanted to help Sayori too. And if she had to let Sayori help her to accomplish that, she supposed there were worse things she could give up. Sayori seemed hesitant to accept, something Monika understood all too well, and at first she was concerned that her friend might not accept her terms. Then, slowly and carefully, Sayori untied the orange ribbon from her wrist and reached around Monika's head.
"I'll try…" Sayori promised, pulling Monika's hair back into a ponytail. It wasn't quite perfect, with the ribbon somewhat lopsided and more than a few strands standing out, but Monika was more than happy with it. She probably would have talked for hours longer, but she could see the sleepiness in Sayori's eyes and knew that her friend needed rest. If she really planned on staying a run-away, then chances are she wasn't going to be rid of Sayori anytime soon and would have plenty of time for conversation. Monika gave Sayori another quick hug, careful not to press too hard against her, and slipped off of the cot.
"I'm glad you're alright, goober." Monika teased as she plopped onto her own cot and began to set her alarm. Sayori stuck her tongue out, but a yawn overtook her just as she said something about "that being her line" and she gingerly lifted her cast onto the bed. Right on time the lights in the shelter began to shut off row by row with a thundering click, and soon the only light was Monika's screen reflecting against her face. Even that faded to black as she clicked the power button and sat her phone in its usual spot beside her cot.
Laying in her cot felt good, comforting even, if not for the ache it seemed to leave in her back. When she thought back to the days of simply floating in the void or only sitting at a desk however, she realized that even a little complaint like an ache was selfish. That she had something to lay in at all was a miracle for her. It made her grateful that she wasn't hunched underneath a bridge or something worse, which in turn made her glad that Sayori wasn't stuck outside alone either. She turned to wish Sayori goodnight, but the gentle snores coming from the cot beside her told her that she was already deep within slumber. Monika couldn't blame her, she imagined anyone would be exhausted after a day like today.
So why wasn't she? She closed her eyes and waited for that oh-so familiar feeling of fading into dreams, but it never came. Crying usually wore her out and left her tired, though tonight her brain seemed to have other plans. She tried to shut off her mind, but thoughts and memories kept replaying in her head from her first day back in the club to now.
I sort of just assumed your lack of social confidence extended to driving as well.
Well guess what, your problems aren't worth the paper you write about them on.
You really have to be bribed just to act like a decent person and join club activities, Natsuki?
Monika groaned and laid an arm over her eyes as if it would help block her thoughts, not that it did of course. Despite Sayori's words of comfort from before, Monika's head continued to reel in her own mistakes long enough to keep her from ever getting fully comfortable and drifting off. This went on deep into the night, until her blanket became sweltering and her painkillers wore off, leaving her more than a little uncomfortable. A look at her phone told her that it was just past 1:00 in the morning.
Just as she was about to roll over and try to force her mind to think about something less complicated like religion or world politics, a soft whimpering from beside her caught her attention. She shuffled onto her side to see Sayori's huddled form shivering beneath her blanket, quiet cries occasionally emanating from the bundle followed by a sudden jerk of her arm that hung over the edge. Monika stared for a moment before sighing as a stab of pity coursed through her, and she kicked the covers off of her sweating body.
She knew Sayori had been putting on a brave face when she had been speaking to her, but now the vulnerability of having everyone asleep had laid bare just how deeply the day's, or what was likely the week's, events were affecting her. Was it a nightmare, or just intrusive thoughts attacking her at her weakest? Monika crept over to her friend's cot and peeked down at her, seeing that she was indeed asleep, albeit however fitfully. A small lump by Monika's foot caught her attention, and she leaned down to pick up the stuffed chicken Sayori had been clutching earlier, and with a small smirk stuffed the plush-toy into the crook of her friend's neck. To her disappointment however, Sayori's tossing and turning continued.
Monika sighed and looked down helplessly for another moment, wondering what someone like her could do against something as incorporeal as a nightmare. What did she want whenever she was plagued with nightmares and memories? A silly idea struck her at that, and her fingers twitched as she slowly lowered her hand down until it was inches from Sayori's, only to hesitate. Just touching her won't hurt her, Monika. Just watch your claws. With a small breath she entwined her fingers around Sayori's and waited to see if it had any effect, to see if Sayori suddenly awoke or continued to whine. To her surprise neither occurred as Sayori's breathing slowed and her fitful sleeping, though not gone, had also lessened.
Monika shook her head, a gentle smirk on her face as she looked back down at Sayori again. Silly girl, she mused internally. Figuring she had long ago given up her choice in the matter, Monika sat down on the floor and leaned against the cot and stared up at the shelter's overhanging lights, lost in thought. The concrete was admittedly less comfortable than her own cot, but she was a big girl and was willing to handle it, especially if it helped Sayori get some respite. Sayori clearly needed it more with her body requiring more rest to recover from her more severe injuries, and it wasn't as if Monika was going to be getting any sleep as it was. The least she could do was put herself to use.
Instead of thinking of her mistakes and insecurities, Monika thought back to what Sayori had said during their heart-to-heart. She could not have known the weight her words held in saying she forgave Monika, and Monika silently hoped that she never would. Without context Sayori had only been forgiving Monika of general misdeeds and wrongdoings, but it was nice to imagine if only for a moment that Sayori had pardoned her of her crimes. Would the guilt and shame disappear if she had done so? Monika wasn't sure, but she didn't have to be. So she crossed her legs, made herself comfortable as best she could, and with Sayori's hand in hers she looked to the ceiling, and wondered into the night.
"So, then Dr. Sano told me that so long as they didn't become a problem, I could have those metal screws in my leg for the rest of my life! I mean at first I was kinda worried, but now that I think about it I guess that would technically make me like, an android or something, right?" Sayori was hobbling beside Monika as the two walked down the sidewalk into the more commercial area of town to take care of some chores Sayori had deemed urgent given her new living situation. Monika, having nothing else to do on a Saturday, decided she could at least come with to make sure that she was alright. The thought of Sayori wandering through town alone while recovering wasn't exactly one that soothed her conscience.
Monika's alarm had gone off at its normal time, waking her up from the light sleep she had eventually succumbed to at nearly four in the morning. She had quickly snuck back over to her own cot before Sayori could fully awake as she didn't want to embarrass the poor girl by waking up to see her hand in Monika's. To her relief Sayori was still a heavy sleeper and it took some gentle shaking to rouse the girl from her slumber.
Before they departed Sayori had momentarily stepped into one of the shelter's personnel offices, and had returned twenty minutes later with a hopeful look on her face. Monika didn't ask what the visit had pertained to, figuring that if it involved her Sayori would tell her. However, Sayori hadn't mentioned it since they had left, nor had last night's emotional confrontation been brought up either with Sayori becoming completely enamored in the conversation that had sprouted between the two.
"You're thinking of a cyborg." Monika corrected as they stopped at a crosswalk. Monika was thankful that both girls had dressed for warmth as the autumn wind that struck her hands chilled her down to the bone: a sign of a foreboding winter. Monika had worn the clothes given to her by Sayori, while Sayori herself had donned a pair of jeans and the band shirt she had bought at the mall, covered by a leather jacket that she had explained was her father's. Her bangs had naturally fallen back into place while she slept, giving her that familiar Sayori look that Monika knew so well. "Androids are when they make a robot specifically to serve humans that looks like a human, and cyborgs are when they add like, robotic parts and cybernetics onto a human."
"Okay okay, but like, hear me out: laser fingers." Sayori whispered whimsically as she tried to fire finger guns at Monika. With both of her hands holding onto the crutches the attempt fell flat, and Monika gave her a comforting pat in return. That was another reason Monika had wanted to come with her, she didn't trust Sayori not to try and carry whatever she planned on buying despite her disability. They had passed the crosswalk now and were entering the more municipal areas of town which Monika hadn't been to before. She saw a few teenagers attempting tricks in a skatepark they passed, the city hall, and even a library. She was always impressed by just how much there was in this world, no matter where she turned.
"Hmm, I don't think so. Last thing you need is to add an eyepatch to your list." Monika teased as she turned back to their walk. Sayori gasped and at first Monika was worried she had actually hurt Sayori's feelings; she was still trying to gauge where her friend stood in referencing the things that had happened. But then Sayori pouted and stuck her tongue out defiantly.
"Meanie! I'm not that clumsy… I would make a great cyborg- or, was it android? Ah, I already forgot! Just for that though you don't get to come in here with me!" Sayori stuck her nose up as they stopped outside of a convenience store. The inside was a little crowded due to a line behind the store's ATM, and Monika couldn't help but glance at Sayori skeptically. Crutches and enclosed spaces did not seem like a recipe for success.
"Okay, okay, I apologize. You'd make a killer cyborg, but I'm not letting you go in by yourself when you're still banged up." Monika conceded with a chuckle and went to open the door for the both of them, but Sayori stopped her with one of her crutches. When Monika turned back she saw that Sayori's chin had dipped down and wouldn't meet her eyes as if she was ashamed. Monika took her hand off of the handle and stepped back over to Sayori, concern in her voice as she asked, "Sayori? You alright?"
"Um, look," Sayori began, "I know you came because you wanted to help, and we agreed on helping each other, but… I can still do some things without someone catering to me. It'd make me feel better about all of this..." Her voice trailed off but Monika understood. Telling her not to come in as a joke was her subtle way of trying to avoid a confrontation, and having people constantly put energy into helping her had been part of the reason she had left her home in the first place. Letting each other assist one another wasn't going to be as easy as just accepting others' help and concern, it was going to be a mental and emotional barrier that they would have to both overcome with time and patience.
This in part was another reason Monika hadn't wanted to let Sayori know about her staying up to comfort her through the night: there was no doubt she would've felt guilty for making Monika lose sleep.
Monika let out a breath through her nose, repressing the concerns of someone bumping into her friend or knocking her over. Sayori was almost a grown woman and could fully care for herself, even while injured, and Monika needed to respect that. "Yeah, yeah I'm sorry. I guess I forgot how you feel about people worrying about you." She apologized.
"No no, don't be sorry." Sayori protested, seeming to sense her tone had come off as somewhat unappreciative. "It's just, I know people are going to have to pour their energy into helping me when school comes back around. Someone'll probably have to carry my books, and help me up the stairs, and walk me to class and just… I want to have a bit of independence before that happens, if that's okay." It was true that school would likely prove to be a far more taxing experience on Sayori's end since teachers and students alike would treat her differently after what had happened. With that in mind, Monika stepped aside.
Sayori smiled gratefully and hobbled up to the door, leaning on one crutch to pull it open. Before she stepped inside she flashed Monika a smile and said, "Please don't think I don't appreciate your help, Moni. It's very sweet of you." With that she stepped inside and left Monika out on the sidewalk. Though the wind was somewhat bitter the sky was clear enough to offer a bit of warmth from the sun, enough that staying outside was enjoyable as opposed to miserable. Monika looked inside to see Sayori at the very back of the line for the ATM, and figuring she had at least a little bit of time to kill before Sayori was done, decided to go for a little walk to get used to the local area.
Monika crossed the street and passed by the city hall again, her hands stuffed in her pockets as she hummed softly and listened to the sounds of cars passing by, of birds fluttering from branch to branch. Normally she would have spent this time inspecting the leaves and fence-posts looking for glitches or discolored pixels, something to entertain that little voice in her head that would always tell her the world around her was fake. But she was too distracted by how much she found herself enjoying a day of simply doing mundane things like withdrawing money or buying toiletries.
It was nice, even with the crushing weight of their problems and fears, to just go out and spend time doing something as simple as taking care of errands. She wondered if she would have enjoyed it as much if she had done so with someone like Yuri or Natsuki. Something told her it wouldn't quite be the same, with Yuri likely becoming anxious at having to deal with crowds and strangers. Monika imagined Natsuki would more than likely try to take control of the outing and make all the decisions.
It was almost like a date, though at that train of thought Monika could have laughed out loud; it was far from a date for many reasons, not the least of which being that it was Sayori of all people. Dates were more intimate and romantic, rather than casual and uneventful. She supposed if anything it was a friend date. Were those a thing? Admittedly hearing Sayori call her "sweet" did make her insides flutter somewhat, but she quickly assured herself it was because of their complicated friendship. Anything that made Monika feel less guilty about what had transpired was bound to leave her feeling a bit tickled after all.
The mere thought of having any sort of feelings beyond platonic for Sayori was simply off the table, and she refused to entertain the notion any further.
It was opportune that she had found herself walking through the skatepark, careful to stay out of the way less she became roadkill, for the sound of coughing and sputtering caught her attention. She glanced around looking to see if one of the skaters had taken a fall, but she couldn't see any signs of a wipeout on the half-pipe or near the rails. At first she was content to merely ignore it and watch a few of the passing skaters attempt various tricks as she walked, but the sound distracted her again but this time it was closer. She peered around and noticed a small brick bathroom just outside of the fence for the skatepark, and with nobody else close enough to hear the noise, Monika took it upon herself to make sure whoever was struggling was okay.
As she approached the bathroom she realized that not only was it coming from behind the building rather than inside it, but that there were other voices as well. A skateboard had been discarded into the grass beside the bathroom, and something told Monika directly approaching wouldn't be a good idea. She strolled off to the side, sneaking from tree to tree until she was properly embedded in the bushes and could get a clear picture without being seen herself. Her breath suddenly caught in her throat, and her stomach seemed a hundred times heavier than it had been before, and she had to grip onto the tree bark to keep herself steady.
"You need more practice skating if those bandages are anything to go by, Kisaragi."
"The bandages are from practicing, ass…"
Monika winced as she watched a girl with dark hair and pigtails rear back and sucker punch Natsuki right in the stomach, launching her to erupt into another fit of coughing. There were two other girls holding Natsuki by her arms, forcing her to remain standing in place. The girl with pigtails seemed satisfied with only dishing out a single blow as she knelt down and was eye level with Natsuki, her lips curled back in a sneer.
"God, you are the textbook example of 'all bark and no bite', you know that?" She taunted. "You'll go and punch someone in the face when you have the advantage of surprise, but you turn into a sniveling little bitch once you lose that advantage, don't you? Pathetic." She waited patiently for a response, one that Natsuki eventually gave her in the form of a small laugh.
"Snivel? I haven't-" Another plague of coughs interrupted her, and she took another second to gather her breath before speaking again. "Haven't sniveled since I saw that vienna sausage your boyfriend has for a dick, Kanako. Now that was pathetic-" She was interrupted as the girl named Kanako stood back up and leveled a kick directly into Natsuki's ribs, silencing her once more. Monika felt her skin begin to prickle as she watched Natsuki be subjected to another insulting rant from the girl, and knew that she had to act.
She was going to kill them. All three of them. Her first instinct was to stride over and pick up the fallen skateboard, and promptly break it over the head of the girl kicking her club member. For a moment she was caught up in the idea of bashing her knuckles into each girl and roaring obscenities at them until they were bleeding and unconscious, but her mind reeled her back from that fantasy. She was outnumbered, outmatched, and more than little out of her element. As furious as she was, Monika was not a brawler. She wasn't strong, only slightly athletic, and probably didn't have the endurance to last in a real fight. So what did that leave her?
"You keep your mouth shut about my boyfriend, you hateful little dyke. He would never so much as look at your scrawny body, no matter how much you show off. Who the hell wears a skirt while skateboarding anyway?" Kanako seethed. Natsuki didn't laugh this time, but Monika saw her raise her leg to lift her own skirt up, revealing a pair of colored tight-shorts stitched into the skirt.
"Like what you see, perv? You must be blind if you couldn't tell this was a skort, that or just a dipshit. I'd say get some glasses, but chances are I'd break those just like I broke Himari's- Oh! Maybe that's why your boyfriend's little buddy doesn't bother you, not like you can see the difference-" Another punch directly to the gut. Monika began to see red.
Think dammit, that's what you're good for isn't it? Be that smart class representative you were years ago and think of something! Monika had to lessen her grip and force her vision not to go blurry with rage, because if she didn't she was going to let Natsuki get hit again and again, and she could not allow that. Wolves were strong, yes, but they were also clever. Devilishly clever. Would that work? There wasn't much time to think; an idea was better than no idea, and so just as Kanako raised her fist for another blow, Monika pulled out her phone and leveled her camera at the scene that was taking place behind the bathroom. Click.
That was stage one of her plan done. Another thud followed by a groan and scathing words from Kanako. Unfortunately her plan risked Natsuki taking more damage so that Monika could get in place, but with nobody around but herself she would have to take a gamble on it. She retreated back towards the fence of the skatepark, hopping over it and crouching behind it before cupping her hands over her mouth, calling out towards the bathroom.
"Officer, please hurry! They're going to beat that poor girl to death, you have to do something! This way, behind the bathroom!" She hollered. The effect was instantaneous, as three figures almost immediately ran out from behind the bathroom and made a mad dash for the sidewalk, one of them tripping in the dirt only to scrabble to their feet. Monika stood up from the fence and made a motion for someone behind her to follow, just in case they saw her. Ignoring the strange looks of some of the skaters across the park, Monika hopped back over the fence and ran to the bathroom as soon as the three girls rounded a corner out of sight. There she found Natsuki, sitting against the brick wall of the bathroom with a distant look in her and blood dripping from her nose.
"Shit, shit oh shit, are you alright Natsuki? What were they doing that for?" Monika asked as she knelt down beside her. Natsuki wasn't wearing her uniform, instead sporting a striped orange skort and some dirty salmon colored tennis-shoes. Her t-shirt was hot pink with the word, "Weird" plastered across the front, or at least Monika thought that was the word. The cursive writing was so intense that it very well could have said, "Urinal" for all she knew. She extended a hand for Natsuki to grab, but recoiled when her arm was pushed aside.
Natsuki groaned and stood up on her own, dusting the dirt off of her back. "Ugh, thought I recognized your voice. What are you even doing here? Don't need your help." She turned and spat a mouthful of blood into the dirt. Monika was surprised by the bitterness in her voice, she knew that they hadn't been on good terms the last they had spoken, but even she had to admit she did just save Natsuki from getting pummeled further.
"Well, I… I was just out in town and saw you and- what was I supposed to do, just sit there and watch it happen?" Monika wasn't quite sure what she had expected after rescuing Natsuki, but it wasn't this.
"Wouldn't be the first time you just sat and let someone tear me apart." Natsuki replied coolly. "But if you really have to know, they got mad cause I busted Ishida's stupid glasses when I socked her after school Monday and since I got suspended for the week this was the first time they saw me. They don't hit nearly as hard as Papa does, so it's whatever. Don't give me that look, I'm not an idiot." She added at Monika's open mouth. "I know you know, everyone in the entire fucking school knows. But guess who's problem it is? Mine, not yours, not the school's, just Natsuki's." Monika could only watch as Natsuki walked past her and went to inspect her board, and seeing no imminent damage decided to tuck it under her arm.
"B-but I…" Monika hurried after her, trailing behind as Natsuki kept her eyes ahead towards the skatepark. "Look, I'm sorry for everything that happened, nobody came out of that festival okay. I may not be able to fix your problem with uh, with you father… but look!" She pulled out her phone and showed the picture she had taken of the girls attacking Natsuki and gave her former clubmate a determined look. "All we have to do is show this to the school come Monday, and they'll all get hit with… I don't know, suspension, juvenile-court, something!" Monika insisted, desperate to recover the situation.
Natsuki took one look at the picture before looking back up at Monika as if the girl had just fed her a bug. "I used to think you were really smart, but recently you're as dense as a god damn rock, Monika." Natsuki snorted, and Monika's determined expression fell. "Sure, go on ahead and show that to the school administration. You'll get praised and lauded like you always want, and who do you think they'll come after when they find out my old club president got their asses in trouble." Natsuki's voice steadily rose as she spoke, hot with anger, and Monika couldn't help but take a step back under the weight of the girl's spiteful glare. "Because it sure as shit won't be you, it'll be me, like it always is."
The two stared at each other for a moment longer before Natsuki once again turned on her heel and made for the skatepark. "You're still only looking out for yourself." Monika could only stand and watch at a loss for words as she watched her former clubmate leave her behind. She watched long after Natsuki had hopped onto her board and skated around the half-pipe and out of sight, wondering what she could have said differently. What she could have done differently. Was there really a solution that would have resolved the conflict between her and Natsuki, or was this outcome simply preordained, a result of Monika's actions up until that point. This among hundreds of other questions swirled in her mind as she slowly began to walk back the way she came.
As the air turned to a far more bitter wind, Monika silently questioned whether she had a chance of returning her club to the way things were. She wondered about Natsuki and her home life, about herself and all the actions she had taken that she now second guessed, but most of all she wondered about Sayori, and what she would tell her when she arrived back at the convenience store to regroup with her.