Chapter 10: Planning for the Future
A chapter of preparations and realizing the feelings we try to hide.
"Glad you could join us, Monika." The woman sitting before Monika wasn't much older than she was and looked vaguely familiar, the toned skin and auburn hair pulled back into a ponytail stuck out enough that she remembered seeing the woman in the shelter a few times helping volunteers, but she didn't know her name. The fact that she knew Monika's name did little to ease her discomfort in the situation however, and she turned to give Sayori an uneasy glance.
Sayori gave her a comforting smile and nodded, as if telling her that everything was okay. After returning from her walk to the park, Monika had found Sayori standing outside of the convenience store with a small grocery bag, looking utterly demoralized as she stared at the pavement. The two had looked at each other briefly before Sayori quietly told Monika she didn't really feel like walking around a lot, something Monika agreed with wholeheartedly given Sayori's injuries. Monika could tell something was eating at her again, but the look she gave her told Monika she didn't want to discuss it, and since she still didn't know how to bring up her confrontation with Natsuki, she decided not to press the matter.
Instead the two spent most of their Saturday outside, lounging by a creek that sat a short distance away from the shelter while eating tea cakes that Sayori had bought from a vending machine. Monika recognized the creek as the very one she had stumbled into and thrown up in after getting into her one-sided argument with Sayori, and had promptly moved them further downstream where she wasn't reminded so vehemently of the smell of stomach acid and coffee. The two of them sat in silence for a little while, enjoying their breakfast and listening to the brook below them. The sour mood that had gripped both of them slowly dissipated as time wore on, and soon Sayori was giggling beside her as they bounced jokes they found online at each other.
Monika had been glad for the change in atmosphere, seeing Sayori unhappy seemed to leave Monika feeling completely useless.
It was only after Sayori had told her a joke about using a ladder to get to "High School'' that Monika remembered something, and dug through her own backpack until she pulled out a folder containing all of Sayori's missed schoolwork from her week out, much to her friend's disappointment. Each day during Sayori's absence she had gone and collected her work from her teachers, thinking of how Sayori's mother had naturally assumed she had brought her work the Friday prior. She had completely forgotten about it until then, along with her own homework, and felt a bit of relief at being able to make up for at least one mistake.
After some gentle prodding that ended when Monika promised to help her with it, they tackled the homework with Monika posing the questions and Sayori taking shots at the answer. Although the two didn't share any classes with one another Monika had a generalized idea of most of the concepts presented to her. They had blown through a decent chunk of it, even with the occasional stop for the bathroom or what Sayori called, "Fun Breaks" in which they would look at videos online or Sayori would take a nap and Monika would stay awake to make sure nobody disturbed them. Having stayed awake for most of the night left Monika more than sluggish, but she knew that if she could make it to evening she would sleep the night away.
Once the late afternoon came around the girls had packed up their things and began their walk back to the shelter. Despite having done so little, both girls yawned continuously on their way home, though Sayori had a sly smirk on her face that only seemed to grow the closer they got. She wouldn't give an answer whenever Monika prompted her, her reasoning being, "I'm not certain, so I don't want to tell you in case you get your hopes up." If there was an award for being vague to friends about supposedly good things, Monika would almost certainly give it to Yuri. But Sayori was proving a close-second.
Sure enough as soon as they returned from their showers, Monika had been corralled into one of the offices with Sayori following close behind, and now they sat before what Monika could only assume was one of the managers of the shelter. Despite her friend's hopeful look, Monika couldn't think of a single reason to meet with a member of the staff at the shelter that involved something good happening. Regardless, Monika bowed her head in greeting to the woman and gave a polite, if not tired, smile.
"I'm glad to be here, I suppose." Monika answered, feeling awkward at the situation. She really wished Sayori would have given some kind of inclination as to what she was here for. "I don't mean to sound rude, but could you please tell me what this is about?" The woman raised her eyebrows at Monika's words before casting an unimpressed look at Sayori who seemed to shrink beneath her gaze.
"Really? You didn't tell her?" The woman asked as she began to pull out some paperwork from beneath her desk.
"Ehehe, I wanted it to be a surprise..." Sayori shrank down a bit further and the woman shook her head with a sigh. She pulled out a few more papers before turning back to Monika with a kind smile and, pulling out a pair of reading glasses, introduced herself.
"Right, well I'm Tasuketa Naomi but having someone my age address me formally is kind of weird, so just call me Naomi, otherwise I'll start feeling like some old hag. Aside from assisting in the general tasks of keeping Helping-Hands running I also manage the Occupational Recruitment department of the shelter. So assuming Ms. Moriyama here wasn't lying about you being an honor student, I'm sure you can already guess why we brought you here." Naomi explained. Monika glanced at Sayori, but aside from her grinning gleefully and swinging her legs in the chair, her friend gave no answer. Monika looked back to the shelter manager hesitantly, worried about assuming she was being given more than she deserved.
"You… want to help me get a job?" Monika chanced. Well now she knew what Sayori had been up to that morning. Naomi nodded while Sayori gave a quick little clap that barely contained her glee. Monika sat there for a minute, stunned at what she heard. A job. An actual occupation that would not only help her afford basic amenities like food and clothing, but might eventually lift her out of being homeless. She had tossed the idea in her head a few times, but the conflict of school hours always seemed to stump her. Even part-time jobs sometimes conflicted with students schedules, and with everything going on Monika hadn't been able to look too deep into the possibility.
Naomi offered a folder full of documents listing various agencies and businesses looking for applications to Monika. "Believe it or not, Helping-Hands' goal is actually to not just help give the downtrodden a place to sleep in safety and a bowl of… whatever the heck we're serving out there these days." She shared an amused look with Sayori before continuing. "But rather we aim to provide people the ability to kickstart their lives back on track. Independence over reliance." At this Sayori interjected.
"Japan's actually been doing really good the past few years in helping get the homeless off of the streets and into proper means of living, with jobs and houses and the like!" Monika couldn't help but detect a hint of pride in her voice, and silently wondered just how long Sayori had been volunteering at the shelter. "It doesn't really solve the causes of homelessness, but I think it's pretty great regardless."
Naomi nodded. "Yeah, compared to the west we're doing pretty good, and Helping-Hands is fortunate enough to have such a wide contact list when it comes to employers and entrepreneurs. In fact…" She paused to skip past the various professions within the folder, until she reached a tab labeled 'Part-Time'. "As you can no doubt tell, most of the occupations here are aimed at your average individual who has enough life experience to work in say, a mill or a warehouse, but we do have several contacts looking for jobs with less stable hours. Something more befitting of a student with responsibilities." Monika took a closer look at the folder and began flipping through the pages.
There were plenty of jobs, though most of them seemed to fall under similar categories of retail, from waiting tables to running a register as a clerk, and even a few cleaning services for things like hotels and spas. One listing for an electronic repair establishment made Monika shudder; she didn't want to mess with files ever again. Any one of these would have been an apt choice for Monika who had little skills outside of her athletics, her berth of knowledge, and her amateur ability at piano. Most of the jobs seemed to require her to dedicate most of her evenings to the task, and though it was only fitting given she was still in school, Monika couldn't help but hesitate.
She had been fairly fortunate up until this point to have been able to do most of her homework in class during her free period, but she knew that wasn't going to last. True, mid-terms and the exams themselves were still half a year away, but she knew enough about high school to know the grind for applying for universities and other forms of higher education would begin early. Schoolwork would only increase as time went on and the homework would soon follow, and it would come to a point where Monika would have to choose between passing her classes or keeping her job. She wasn't so sure she wanted to trap herself in having to make such a decision, but she couldn't see an alternative either.
Monika tapped her finger along arm in thought for a moment before voicing her concerns to Naomi. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, especially since this is such a… well, a gift really. But, taking a part time job would eventually infringe on my school work. I understand the severity of claiming a job, believe me when I say I do not want to stay in this position of being in poverty, but I feel if I only look at the short term I'll end up cornering myself out of my education." She supposed she would almost certainly have days off, and could always stay up later to complete her schoolwork since it wasn't as if she ever slept well through the night.
"If you don't take care of the short term though, you'll never make it to the long-term." Naomi countered, sighing as she removed her glasses and pinched at the bridge of her nose. "But you're right, I remember being in the exact same school as you guys, not too long ago. So I can unfortunately confirm that your fears are very much valid. Not to mention you guys are in what, your third year? Ugh, second-term. Dammit, that complicates things." Naomi seemed lost in thought for a moment as she skimmed through papers and clicked a few keys on her laptop while chewing on the end of her inkpen, and Monika tapped the arm of her chair nervously.
Finally Sayori leaned forward and piped up, trying to keep a smile despite the blow to morale they had taken. "Well, don't you still have some of those old tutoring contacts, Naomi? I know you told me on one of our breaks that you used to do tutoring after school and got paid for it, right? Couldn't she do that?" Sayori seemed to be on a roll before either Naomi or Monika could interrupt her. "Monika's super smart, she's always been at the top of her classes despite running a club and- oh, she even helped me with my own homework today, she's great at it! She'd make a great tutor!"
Monika thought that Sayori was giving her too much credit, Naomi however thought for a moment before leaning back in her chair with a shrug and said, "Well, that might actually work. Tutoring is great for high-school students because you'll share schedules, and depending on how good you are at it you might end up with more money than say, a gas-station clerk, and put in less hours. Hell, I was charging sixteen-hundred yen an hour, but I also had good marks." She turned to her laptop and began typing rapidly for a moment before glancing back at Monika with a cautious look. "Let's say I do have some of my old contacts, are you sure you could handle this? I don't know you personally enough to make that call, and while I do trust Moriyama's intuition I don't want to send you into a job that you're not sure you can keep up with. Not to mention this will still take up a lot of your evenings."
Monika thought about it, weighing the pros and cons. With tutoring other students she wouldn't have to worry about canceling club sessions since they wouldn't get out until she did, and any tutoring she did would serve as an excellent refresher for her own education. It helped that in a country with such a heavy focus on perfecting education, or at least a world intended to replicate said country, she wouldn't ever have to worry about running out of clients. Tutoring itself would be a preferable alternative for clients who didn't desire or couldn't afford more expensive means of supplemental education such as cram school.
On the other hand, she'd be dealing with not just her own school work, but helping someone understand their own as well. She'd already prepared herself to have to sacrifice sleep in order to get a job and deal with her homework, but the threat of burnout was a very real outcome in this scenario. Exam season was still far off, but how would she prepare for her exams while helping others prepare for their own. It wasn't as if she was above working in retail after all. Naomi had asked a good question, could she actually handle something like this?
"Look," Naomi said as she seemed to pick up on Monika's hesitation, "Why don't you think on it? It'll take me a day or so to actually sort out your paperwork and get it sent off for verification and all that, so just… think on it. There's plenty of options, and you're welcome to come and look through the folder later too. I'll leave it on the desk here, alright? Now, I believe I mentioned some paperwork…" She set the folder beside the laptop and began handing more papers to Monika, who felt somewhat relieved at not being put completely on the spot. "Go on and fill out form A-3 there, front and back for me if you don't mind, and just bring it back when you're done. I need to talk to Moriyama for a minute."
Monika glanced over at Sayori who pouted at seemingly being cornered and muttered a soft, "Aw nuts." before giving Monika a small wave of farewell. Monika returned it and thanked Naomi whose smile was now replaced with a grave look of concern as she shifted over to face Sayori. Just as she closed the door shut behind her, Monika heard Naomi's muffled voice ask, "Sayori, what on earth are you thinking?" before she walked back to her cot. She didn't sound angry so much as worried, which Monika couldn't blame her for. Seeing an acquaintance end up in the very shelter you both take part in probably raised more than a few eyebrows.
It took a bit of extra time with her injured hand, but half an hour later Monika strolled back up to the office with the paperwork in hand. She laid it on Naomi's desk and after bowing and thanking Naomi for assisting her, both she and Sayori returned to the main room of the shelter where they sat on their respective cots. Monika could tell Sayori looked far less pleased than when they had arrived and raised an eyebrow; had the conversation gone that poorly?
"Hey." Monika said gently. "You alright, Say? Did everything go okay?" If Sayori didn't want to talk about it she would drop the matter in a heartbeat, but what kind of friend would she be if she didn't at least try? Sayori shrugged, giving Monika a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.
"It wasn't bad. Naomi's just worried about me, because I showed up at the shelter with a bunch of bandages and casts, because I'm too injured to get a job, and I'm still underage…" Sayori let out a sigh and scratched at the edge of her cast with a sharp breath. "She's worried about… a lot of stuff, I guess. It's my fault, I wanted to be childish and run away." Monika felt her heart twist as Sayori spoke, and she scooted a little closer to the edge of her cot and in turn closer to Sayori's.
"Hey, listen to me. You're not selfish for wanting to live somewhere that doesn't make you uncomfortable and feel unsafe." Monika argued, trying to turn the mood a bit more positive she added, "You probably saved someone from getting poisoned by that gunk, and that's without knowing they have piles of the stuff saved up." But Sayori just shook her head.
"I have a perfectly good home waiting for me, Monika. I'm just taking up space like usual, someone who actually needs this cot could be sitting here, someone who doesn't normally have access to food and hot water." Her words became more and more bitter as she spoke and her gaze had fallen to the floor. "I don't know what to do, I keep on leaping before I look and every time I try to do something to help I end up making it worse. I don't know what my parents are going to do, because I didn't think this through at all." At first Monika thought Sayori might cry, which frankly wouldn't have surprised Monika considering everything that had happened, but instead Sayori buried her face into her palm and sighed.
She wasn't considering going back home, was she? Monika felt uneasy, the thought of Sayori leaving and going back home worried her after all of the things Sayori had told her the day before. A new school, overprotective parents that would monitor Sayori's communications online, possibly even corrective therapy. All of these lead to a Sayori that they might never hear from again, and if they did it might not even be Sayori anymore. The thought made Monika's chest tighten, but asking her to stay felt selfish somehow.
"I'd miss you." Monika admitted after a moment. "And I would wonder how you were doing, and if you were okay. I don't know how much of what you told me yesterday would come to actually pass, but if any of it did… I don't think it would be the same, for any of us." She had tried to word it without flat-out saying she would worry, because she knew Sayori hated when others worried about her. She thought she saw the ghost of a smile appear behind Sayori's hand, but she remained silent.
Eventually Monika asked, "Did something happen in the store this morning?" It had been bothering her all afternoon, silently wondering if someone had berated or yelled at Sayori, or God forbid put their hands on her. The thought of someone rude shoving past her or someone lecherous taking advantage of her made the wolf in Monika howl with rage, and she almost wished she hadn't asked in fear of the answer. It almost surprised her how angry she got at a mere thought, but she supposed that in promising to protect Sayori she was bound to worry about such things. The eye of blue that peeked between Sayori's fingers as she looked up was so tired, and she sighed with a nod before looking back down at the concrete.
"Before I left home, I was kinda banking that I could use my account to help stay afloat, there wasn't a lot in there but I had saved up at least sixteen-thousand yen." Monika gulped as Sayori spoke. Sixteen-thousand wasn't a lot of yen in the grand scheme of things, but for someone like her it could've made all the difference. She suddenly didn't like the direction their conversation was headed. "My mom must've drained my account, probably trying to flush me out into coming home, because when I got to the ATM there was only one-thousand yen in there. Enough for some snacks, and toothbrushes… maybe some food." She nudged the bag she had brought from the store with her good foot and groaned, grabbing at her head.
"God, my head hurts… I can't tell if it's from the surgery or the stress." She whispered. Monika could feel it, the inexplicable urge to step over and comfort Sayori. To hold her and tell her everything was going to work out, like she had for Monika just the night before. She wanted to comfort Sayori and to fight off every rain cloud that threatened to ruin her friend's day. The Monika from before the hole would have taken Sayori and hugged her close while comforting her into the night. Now, Monika wasn't sure how. What if she overcrowded Sayori's space, or made her uncomfortable? Something in the back of her mind that kept telling her not to touch her. She didn't deserve to. But if it was for Sayori's sake, what did it matter?
"I'm sorry." Monika mumbled, but if Sayori heard her she didn't respond. Monika hated using those words, because they only ever came from her mouth when she was unable to do anything. She could not take back the pain she had caused Sayori, she couldn't fix her physical injuries, nor could she do anything to alter the awkward and uncertain course Sayori was walking down. So Monika made to stand and reach over to Sayori, hoping that maybe she could offer a hug like she had been given, but Sayori shook her head and motioned for her to stop.
Monika didn't know why Sayori didn't want her to comfort her. Was the pain that bad? Did she need personal space? Did she misinterpret Monika as wanting to receive another hug instead of giving one? Monika carefully sat back down on her own cot, and with fingers crossed waited for Sayori to gather herself.
Eventually Sayori stopped grabbing at her head and after a moment of staring miserably into the void she lifted her leg onto the cot and grabbed her stuffed chicken. "I'm sorry for ruining things, I was really hoping that getting you a job would be a fun surprise to celebrate the weekend, but I couldn't even do that right. I'm not very hungry, so I'm just… going to bed, if that's okay." Without waiting for an answer she carefully wrapped herself in the blanket as best she could while not overstretching her body, and laid down with her face buried into the pillow. Monika stared at the rise and fall of the blanket and when Sayori's breathing did not slow, she understood enough to quietly remove herself.
Knowing she needed all the nutrients she could get, Monika sat silently at the table whilst eating her rice and thought to herself. She watched the cots, hoping to see a sleepy Sayori walk over and admit that she needed to eat, but the image never came. Instead she thought as she ate, she pondered as she went back to her cot, and she contemplated late into the night as she tried to decide whether she had made the right choice in not dissuading Sayori to return home. Even as the late grips of sleep finally took her, she still didn't know the answer.
Sunday came and went without much change, much to Monika's disappointment. The two girls readied themselves and decided to spend the early part of the day at the tea-shop next door to the shelter, since it was so close and the owners, an elderly couple, didn't mind them lounging around since the shop itself wasn't especially busy. Monika suspected its location next to a homeless shelter played a role in this. Between finishing their homework and spending the last of Sayori's pocket cash on their tea, the atmosphere remained in a constant stage of dreariness.
Occasionally she would show Sayori a funny picture or they would pull up a show to watch on her phone in-between helping with her homework, and Monika would see brief glimpses of the real smiles. The ones that made Monika think of sunlight and want to beam right back at her, but they never lasted very long. A second, maybe two or three if she was lucky, and then Sayori would fade back into that distant melancholy look that made it seem like they were miles apart instead of sitting next to each other.
Once evening rolled around and the two grew bored of strolling around the area and finishing Sayori's homework, they returned to the shelter with heavy hearts as school lingered on the horizon. Neither one had spoken about the imminent future and the problems that came with it, their talks had been regulated to idle chatter that held little depth with neither girl willing to linger on the negative aloud. As Monika searched through her backpack to assure she had everything for school, she pulled out her poetry notebook and on a whim decided to glance through her previous poems.
Her eyes crossed over her list of unanswered questions with narrowed eyes. She hadn't thought about it since she had last opened it during the festival and there wasn't much reason to, she still didn't have answers. Her eyes caught question number five, "Why do I have regrets regarding Sayori and the others when I didn't before?" and thought about it for a moment before writing the word Guilt beside it. Something told Monika it was deeper than just a single word, but it was something to write down at least. Progress. Today marked exactly two weeks since she had been brought back from deletion, but so much had happened in that time that she wouldn't have been surprised if a month had passed. She sighed and flipped the page; she really needed some more normalcy in her life.
She moved onto the actual poems and spotted Unfamiliar Familiar on an earlier page and grimaced. Definitely not her best work. The Way they Fly wasn't a bad poem, but its connection to the festival left a sour taste in her mouth. She flipped a few more pages and found the list of little poems she had written for Sayori while she was in the hospital. They were all short and mostly off the cuff with the purpose of not being too long for a woozy Sayori, with a few being couplets and another having been a tanka, but Monika smiled as she read them back to herself. It was a shame Sayori hadn't been able to read them, and suddenly showing them to her just seemed unnatural and somewhat embarrassing now.
An idea struck Monika just as Sayori returned to her cot fresh from having a shower, and Monika propped herself up on her elbow to look over at her. "Hey, Sayori? Since tomorrow is your first day back, what if we wrote some poetry to kinda get back into the swing of things? It's been a while since we got to share poetry together." The last time they had partaken in poetry had been the festival, and Monika silently cursed as the words fell out of her mouth. She hadn't thought that one out. Sayori looked up from counting out her medication and gave her a skeptical look.
"Are you sure? I don't think I really have it in me to come up with a regular, bubbly, Sayori poem right now. It might not be very fun for the club." She admitted, but Monika shook her head.
"Come on, we both know your poems have never been that two-dimensional. I think it might help the club get back into the routine, you know?" Monika smiled and gave her an encouraging nod, keeping the fact that the entire club was now a member shorter than it had been last a secret. She didn't want to add to Sayori's hopelessness any more than she had to. When she still looked unconvinced Monika added, "I want to hear a real Sayori poem. Not whatever kind of poem you think we want to hear." She hoped Sayori understood what she was trying to say, that she heard the acceptance in her words that stretched beyond poetry. Sayori screwed up her lips as she glanced over at Monika's notebook before sighing and giving a weary smile.
"Alright, you win." She conceded. Monika grinned, even a tired smile was still a smile, and ripped a piece of paper from the composition book before handing it to Sayori. For a while the two of them sat in peaceful silence, the only sound coming from their pencils scratching against the paper. Monika planned to share her tanka during the club, and for now was brainstorming a separate project. She didn't quite know what it was yet, just a few lines that stuck out in her head that she didn't want to forget. Perhaps she could use them in another poem, or a song.
After a quiet but casual dinner in which Monika practically forced Sayori to partake in by telling her the only way she'd heal is if she took care of herself, the two girls returned to their cots and slowly prepared for bed. They had avoided the topic of Sayori's parents and most negative things in general, but in the end that left very little to talk about. Give her a hug, Monika silently coerced. Tell her it'll be okay even if you don't believe it, even if you don't know how. It's okay to want comfort and give it in turn.
"Uh, Sayo-" Monika coughed; of all the times for her voice to crack. Sayori looked over at her and Monika forced herself to continue. "I wanted you to know that just because things may look bad… they don't always have to end badly." Write the way into her… "And you may wake up tomorrow and find that everything will be a lot easier- well, not easy per se but they might end up being… better. You might feel better, I mean." God, why was she so terrible at comforting her? Why did her tongue tie itself into a knot whenever she tried to talk to Sayori, as if she had a personal vendetta against herself? "I just want to-"
"Monika, it's okay." Sayori interrupted. "I know you're trying, but I'll be okay. I'm just… worried. It's just a rain cloud, it'll go away eventually." This was why Monika had dreaded bringing anything up: she had been worried Sayori would brush it off like she always did when someone worried about her. It was awkward, forced, and now neither of them wanted to speak with the cloud that seemed to loom over them. Because they both knew it wasn't okay, and that there wasn't anything either of them could do except see what the next day would bring.
Sayori had been exceedingly strong her first night in the shelter, and as Monika looked back on it she considered the fact that she had been strong for Monika. She had comforted, explained, and reassured Monika and after holding it in for so long it made sense that she was coping and lowering her own guard at her own pace. She had even gone to the effort of pushing Monika towards getting a job despite being physically and mentally burdened. Monika let out a sigh; there was no way she could ever let Sayori call herself selfish again.
Although Monika had known it wouldn't be an overnight process, it didn't hurt any less. Seeing her friend continuously suffer and try to stay strong was heartbreaking. Was this how she had seen Monika, every time she had turned her back on Sayori's help?
"I'll see you tomorrow, Moni. Goodnight." With that Sayori buried herself with her blanket, and with a sigh Monika followed her lead, laying her head against her pillow. She would just have to keep trying, until Sayori was ready. And when she eventually was, Monika would be there no matter what this time.
"Goodnight Sayori."
Monika awoke to the dulcet tones of her alarm letting her know that Monday had indeed arrived. She groaned, rolling onto her side and bringing her hands up to rub the sleep from her eyes. Her senses slowly began to creak to life when she suddenly jerked back and saw that the tips of her fingers were lightly coated in blood. Her stomach did a somersault and she was instantly very much awake. No no no, not now please, not another one. Where is she? Her eyes had jolted over to Sayori's cot before her brain could even wrap around who "she" was referring to, and Monika kicked her blanket aside before scrambling out of bed and stumbling onto the concrete below.
Monika pushed herself up and pulled back the covers, wondering how much blood would be pooled into the cot, how pale her skin would look, how empty her eyes would be when they bore into her. Instead she was greeted by a still sleeping Sayori huddled beneath her blanket, shivering and groaning as Monika ripped it aside. Monika felt a wave of both relief and confusion as she briefly searched for some horrid sign of her friend's demise, but she quickly returned the blanket to its rightful place and took a few steps back and gazed back at her own fingers.
The blood was still there, though it hardly reached beyond her fingertips and after a moment of thought she recognized the stinging in her neck that felt strangely like someone had tried to slit it open with a spoon through the night. She tested her fingers by placing two of them up against her neck and winced when she felt them press against the raw flesh, releasing an agitated sigh. She hadn't awoken to more horrifying visions after all, just broken the skin by scratching in her sleep yet again. Monika cursed her half-asleep ineptitude and after a quick check to make sure she hadn't leaked any blood onto the cot, grabbed a toothbrush from the bag by Sayori's cot and ran off to the bathroom.
The scratch had only barely broken through, just enough to trickle out but a quick dab with a paper towel soaked in warm water wiped away the remaining blood. Monika wasn't dumb, she knew why this was happening even if she didn't want to think about it. Everything she did, subconsciously or not, was a method of attacking herself and this was no different. After cleaning her neck up and brushing her teeth, along with having the horrifying realization that she hadn't practiced any dental hygiene since she had arrived, Monika left to finish getting ready. She could deal with her scratching another time.
"Hey, Sayori." Monika knelt beside the cot and gave her friend a gentle shake, but her only response was a soft groan. "Come on, Say. Wakey wakey, eggs and… schoolwork, I guess." She chuckled softly and gave the mass of blankets another shake and a single arm stuck out to try and swat at her. Monika ducked with ease and lifted the pillow to see Sayori's mostly asleep face change to a pout as she let out a low whine. Even while she was asleep there was something about Sayori that made her want to smile, perhaps it was the way her hair sat over face in such a messy manner after going to sleep without a brush, or perhaps it was that while she was asleep Sayori looked genuinely peaceful.
When she was unburdened by the toils of her mind, and the fear of the future, Monika would have almost dared to call her beautiful.
A single eye creaked open along with a small jumble of incomprehensible noises as Sayori blinked away her sleep and after gazing up at Monika's face, she sighed. "Ahdonwanna." She mumbled, her voice partially muffled by her arm. Monika gave her another shake and after a bit more gentle coercing she managed to rouse Sayori enough for her to sit up. Despite how deeply she had been out, the bags under her eyes told Monika her sleep hadn't left her particularly rested. Sayori rubbed her eyes again and looked over at Monika, a defeated look on her face as she groggily asked, "Do I have to?"
Monika bit her lip. She certainly couldn't force Sayori to come to school, a look at her cast and exhausted figure made Monika wonder if she was even fit for school. But the thought of leaving Sayori to wander around the city while injured didn't do wonders for her conscience either.
"I think, that it would be worth it to at least give it a shot." Monika told her in an even voice. "If it gets too bad and you don't think you can get through the day, just uh… come get me. Or shoot a text. We'll figure something out, but I don't want you late on your first day back." Sayori's depression had been the reason for her tardiness, and if there was ever a time to try and fight off that pattern it was now. Monika gave her phone a pat to show she was serious, but Sayori looked unsure.
"But, you'll be in class… I don't want to bother you with my problems, I've already done that all weekend." She argued. Monika rolled her eyes and gave Sayori a soft but playful smack on the arm, standing up and holding an outstretched hand for her to take.
"You said it yourself, we're trusting each other aren't we? Now it's your turn to trust me. It's… it's what friends do. Right?" Monika stated matter-of-factly. Sayori looked at Monika's hand for a moment before taking it and, after a few moments of effort, rose from her cot with a stretch and a yawn. Monika gave her a grateful smile and within ten minutes the two were out the door and into the crisp morning air, the chirp of birds and the sound of morning commute the only disruptions on their walk to school.
Monika, against Sayori's requests, had hoisted all of the girls' luggage before leaving since she wasn't recovering from surgery. This included Monika's backpack containing her books and casual clothes, Sayori's backpack, and Sayori's duffle bag as well which had seemed like a morally responsible choice at the time, however they had hardly reached the halfway point before Monika found herself sweating and breathing raggedly. No matter what her original character design, living in the game had not done wonders for her athleticism. After several concerned looks from Sayori, the two eventually came to an understanding of sorts with Monika allowing Sayori to carry her school bag for her. As much as she wanted to help Sayori, she couldn't deny feeling somewhat relieved.
"You always try to pile everything on yourself, you know that right?" Sayori chided as they passed an intersection. Monika snorted and gave her friend a smirk. The irony was palpable.
"Mr. Pot, I think the kettle would like to have a word." She teased. Sayori rolled her eyes but giggled, and seemed to think for a moment while Monika continued to readjust the position of the duffle bag on her back. How Sayori had planned to carry this thing back and forth to school, she didn't have a clue. Just how much of her room had she packed into a single duffle?
"Oh, oh oh!" Sayori tapped one of her crutches against the ground, an apt replacement for clapping her hands together as Monika glanced over. "Halloween is just around the corner, if I dress up as a pot will you go as a kettle? C'mon, that would be so funny!" An image of Sayori in a large pot with overall straps and herself in an inflatable kettle costume popped into Monika's head, snorting out in laughter at the thought of them waddling down the street on Halloween night.
Monika shook her head as she recovered, glancing over at Sayori's hopeful expression. "Yeah, not a chance. Nobody would get the joke anyway." She answered, Sayori showing her disappointment with a fresh pout. It did give Monika an idea however, and after mulling it over she said, "But, I wouldn't mind hanging out on Halloween together. Maybe we could all dress up together, the club I mean, and go out and just… do Halloween stuff." After a moment she quickly added, "Assuming you want to, that is." But she had hardly finished speaking before Sayori practically started bouncing along the pavement.
"Oh that-ow I can't bend that way, that sounds awesome! I probably won't be healed up enough to go to a Halloween party or anything, but like, we could go trick or treating! Or sit in a graveyard and tell ghost stories- I don't know, but I really want to do something like that!" Monika watched with a smile as they approached the school, the sound of her friend's excitement still fresh in her ears. It was funny how they had become almost like roommates who still didn't know how to act around the other over the weekend. It wasn't the perfect analogy considering neither of them had rooms or homes for that matter, but it seemed oddly fitting. At least she had gotten Sayori there on time.
As Monika held the school door open for Sayori, she peered around at the other students entering and searched for any judgmental looks, condescending smirks, or giggles directed towards her and Sayori. Normally she would have held a level of hope for humanity that the mere sign of misfortune wouldn't be enough to draw taunts or snark, but certain events had begun to change Monika's perception of others. The memory of the students' reactions towards their performance during the festival and the car full of teenagers who had honked at them atop the bridge stuck out in particular, and made her clench the door until her knuckles whitened.
She was pleasantly surprised when those that paid any attention to the two girls either gave only curious glances, or approached with comforting condolences. Several asked where she had been and if she was okay, but Sayori was quick to give them polite but evasive answers. "I had an accident!" or "Yeah, I got kinda messed up, but I'm okay now!" were the most common responses, until they finally reached their lockers where Sayori let out a tired sigh.
Monika assisted in balancing her crutches while Sayori picked open her locker and allowed the girls to stuff the duffel bag inside. As Monika pressed and squeezed the beast of a bag inside she glanced back at Sayori. With their lockers providing adequate cover, Sayori was able to drop her cheery demeanor into a more mild and weary one. Monika smiled at her.
"Don't think I've ever seen so many people try and talk to you before." She commented with a final push, hoping there wasn't anything too fragile within the bag. She had at least made sure to face the zipper outward so Sayori could access it easily without having to remove it. As she moved to step back she saw that the inside of the locker door was completely covered with various coloured sticky-notes.
"Yeah," Sayori commented, "I don't think most of them have spoken to me before now." Monika turned to look back at the student body and sighed in understanding. Most people didn't care until something was obviously wrong, where they could pretend to care for a moment and feel good about themselves. She had been guilty of just that multiple times before.
She took a look at a few while Sayori divided her supplies between her two bags, some having inspirational quotes like, "I believe in you!" and "Stay positive!" to others that were reminders. Shopping lists, homework, poetry, there seemed to be a sticky-note for just about everything, even some that hadn't yet been written on. She spotted one that looked to be a stick-figure version of her, complete with a big bow and ponytail, and found herself smiling softly at the little drawing of her. Seeing something so inherently sweet made Monika's heart spark with joy.
Killer.
While Sayori finished selecting her books, Monika took out her beloved ball-point pen and quickly scribbled the words, "We're in this together!" onto a yellow sticky and stepped back, capping her pen while taking a look up at the clock. 8:33. Monika tapped her foot anxiously; homeroom started in less than a minute and she didn't see anyone around who looked willing to help Sayori to class, but something inside of her didn't feel right leaving Sayori in the care of a random student either.
"Alright, I'll see you at the club?" Sayori asked, but Monika had already taken the books she was trying to hold and with a smile motioned down the hall with her head. Sayori frowned, but followed after Monika on her crutches regardless. "Moni, come on. You're going to be late, I can carry them or get someone else to. Go to class!" But she kept walking.
"Not happening." Monika said with a shake of the head. "You can't possibly carry these with those crutches, and I know you well enough that you probably won't ask anyone anyway. Besides, I'm practically a star-student around here, a few minutes won't flunk me if I tell Ms. Fujita politely, and if they do…" She thought about it for a moment before shrugging. "Then I suppose I'll file a complaint with the school board, because that's almost certainly against the rules."
Sayori didn't seem to share Monika's lighthearted enthusiasm however. "What?! You have Ms. Fujita for homeroom? Monika, she has horror stories about her! I knew a student who said they had an older brother who got a book thrown at them for being late! A hardcover, too!" Sayori looked as though she wanted to shake Monika by the shoulders furiously, but could only tap her crutches against the tiles in frustration. "Please, I really don't want you to get Snow Country thrown at your head for my sake."
I wish she'd throw a book at Himari, Monika thought with a quiet snort. Ms. Fujita was a strict but fair teacher from what Monika had gathered in two weeks, but surely that was the extent of it? At Sayori's serious expression however she gave her her most reassuring smile and shook her head. "No can do, Say. We're already almost there, and if failing students for being a few minutes late is against school rules, then throwing literature at students almost certainly is." Monika watched as Sayori sighed and continued to hobble along beside her, a twinge of regret at forcing her to accept help. She knew this was hard for Sayori, and brute forcing her probably wasn't the right way to go about getting her to warm up to it, but she just felt so lost as to how to properly help.
All she could do was hope she was making the right choice for her friend.
"This is it, right?" Monika asked as they stopped at room 3-B. She honestly had no idea if this was Sayori's class or not, and had to rely on clues like Sayori slowing down as they approached. Sayori nodded slowly as she shuffled inside and Monika followed behind until they arrived at her desk, setting the books down before turning back to Sayori. Several other students were giving confused stares, likely confused as to what someone with as much social standing as Monika was doing in their classroom.
"Alright, that should do it." Monika smiled proudly. "Good luck, and try not to put too much strain on your back or leg okay? If you can't get anyone to help you move stuff between classes, just shoot me a text okay?" She leaned in and lowered her voice a little to make sure none of the other students overheard and added, "I know you got this, Say. If for any reason you feel like you can't make it through, please tell me. I mean it."
When she leaned back she saw Sayori looking down at the floor, but when those big blue eyes glanced back up at Monika there was a ghost of a smile stretched on her face. Unsure, anxious, and even a bit fearful for what lay ahead, but there was also something beautiful in that smile: hope. It was so faint that Monika almost missed it, but it was there deep inside. Struggling to hang on and keep going, but continuing on nonetheless. Warmth seemed to flow through her and she felt a sudden desire to wrap both of her arms around Sayori and hold her tight, to tell her she was proud of her for making the effort to come to school and that she fully believed in her.
The sound of the school bell ringing took Monika away from the pleasant image in her mind, and Sayori's panicked expression told her it was indeed time to go. She gave Sayori a quick wave goodbye, who returned it as she sat down with a pained grimace and mouthed the word, "Bye" as Monika retreated out into the hall. With a wince of her own she forced herself into a brisk pace that didn't seem to agree completely with her injured thigh and made a hurried, but respectable, trek to her homeroom.
After being with Sayori for the entire weekend, Monika had almost expected to be glad to have some time to herself, but instead she felt disappointed in having to wait to see Sayori again. She supposed it only made sense that helping take care of someone would instill that kind of caring effect on her. It also supported her sudden desire to embrace her best friend, who wouldn't be proud of seeing someone give their all even though they didn't want to?
That has to be the only reason, Monika silently assured herself as she stepped into her homeroom class. A look at the clock told her that she was only three minutes late, but the look on Ms. Fujita's face told her that three minutes was three minutes too many. The entire class turned to look at Monika, but she ignored them in favor of casting a sheepish expression towards her homeroom teacher. Suddenly, Sayori's warnings of hardcover books seemed like a very genuine threat.
"Well, how kind of you to finally join us. I'm surprised at you Ms. Monika, you're usually quite punctual." Ms. Fujita chided. Monika gave her teacher a bow, but before she could properly apologise Ms. Fujita pointed towards her empty desk with a piece of chalk and said, "Sit. We'll speak after class." Monika nodded and quickly moved to her seat, ignoring the quiet snorts and snickers of the other students who seemed to get a kick out of the class-representative being lectured. She glanced over at Himari, expecting some kind of scathing glare like the one she wanted to give but Himari kept her eyes focused solely on her desk.
Is it wishful thinking that maybe Natsuki busting her glasses knocked her down a peg or two? Monika considered as she pulled out her papers and prepared for her first period. Homeroom came and went with the minor events and announcements, and soon found herself buried in the various topics regarding Greece and Rome's corresponding philosophies. It was hard to concentrate on Diogenes and Seneca the Younger when her mind kept wanting to check her phone to see if Sayori was doing okay, to make sure she hadn't changed her mind and needed reassurance or help of some kind.
By the time first period came to end Monika had completely forgotten about her need to stay after class until she tried to leave, something that Ms. Fujita quickly remedied with a menacing beckon of the finger. Monika clenched her eyes briefly, one part hoping that Sayori had managed to find someone to help carry her books, the other part hoping her warning about Ms. Fujita had been exaggerated. The hawk-like glare that pierced her didn't give much credence to that notion.
As the classroom emptied and grew silent, Monika sat before her teacher while trying to keep her face as expressionless as possible. Ms. Fujita turned to her laptop and began tapping away at the keyboard while occasionally flicking a glance at Monika as if to make sure she didn't run away. "We have three things to discuss, Ms. Monika." Three? "We both have class in several minutes, but first, I would like to assuage any concerns you had about being late; I saw you escorting Ms. Moriyama to her class this morning on the way here myself. Next time, please just ask and I can write a pass for you."
Monika blinked a few times, surprised by her teacher's understanding. She wasn't about to complain, though her confusion and interest did demand a question. "So, just to clarify, I'm not in any trouble?" She asked. Ms. Fujita nodded, checking a paper on her desk before typing something else out that Monika couldn't see.
"You're not, yet. I do have a reputation to keep up however and I am not the type to play favorites, so I expect no more unexcused tardies from you for the rest of the semester. Are we understood?" Ms. Fujita warned, and Monika quickly nodded as she tugged at her collar. The manner in which her teacher was able to go from almost pleasant to downright menacing was admirable, if not a little intimidating. Ms. Fujita flipped her laptop around and used her pen to point out certain areas, and Monika saw that the screen held a copy of her student ID in digital form, with several areas flagged with a warning sign.
"Issue number one, as you are no doubt aware, your student ID information is out of date." Ms. Fujita pointed out as Monika peered closer. "For some reason your address, family name, and emergency contact numbers were listed as 'pending' within the system, so I'm afraid you'll need to get it updated manually until the system wishes to cooperate. Please have this done by the end of the term, or else you'll be withheld from taking your final exam until it is up to date." Monika frowned, but nodded. That was something she'd have to get around to eventually, and sooner rather than later.
Ms. Fujita turned the laptop back around and peered at the paper on her desk that she had been glancing towards. "Issues two and three, are concerns regarding your club." Monika felt a sliver of ice run through her, any issues regarding the literature club could not be a good sign. Was it the festival, or had the staff found out that they didn't meet the proper member requirement to be considered a club? With a slight Ahem, Ms. Fujita began to read the paper aloud:
"The staff has received several anonymous reports regarding incidents involving the after-school literature club. These statements suggest that the club does not meet current school guidelines, including instances of improper responses to in-club disagreements, lack of proper management within the club, disregard for classroom upkeep, and the hosting of said club for inappropriate sexual exploration." Monika saw her homeroom teacher bat her eyes a few times in bewilderment before continuing on. "To confirm the validation of these reports members of staff will be assigning random check-ins to assure that the club is up to code. Upon confirmation of one or more of these reports, the club is to be immediately disbanded and disciplinary action is to be taken against club management. Signed, Principal Katagiri." Ms. Fujita sighed and laid the paper back down before turning back to Monika.
Monika's breath caught in her throat while her jaw hung wide open, unsure of what to say. Her club was now under the watch of the school because of reports that she had no doubt came from the festival. The first two were likely taken from notes Himari had taken during their "interview", and while the third one was somewhat her fault for not cleaning the class after the festival, the fourth mirrored Himari's words almost perfectly. Ms. Fujita gave her a moment to process what she had heard before speaking again.
"Third, and this is strictly between the two of us as I am technically not at liberty to give this information, I've been told a member of your club has currently been the catalyst for multiple instances of on-site provocations and physical attacks against other students." Ms. Fujita explained carefully. "If you're as smart as I know you are, I don't think I need to tell you who, nor how bad it will look for your club if one of its members is expelled for fighting." Monika sighed as Ms. Fujita finished, burying her head in her hands as she tried to figure out how she was going to keep everything from falling apart. As it stood, her club, her friendships, and even her record hung in the balance.
Ms. Fujita remained quiet for another moment as Monika took a minute to rub a finger through her eyes in exasperation, shaking her head as she replayed the information again in her mind. The edges of Ms. Fujita's frown cracked into what might've been considered a neutral look before pulling out a slip of paper and scribbling furiously on it in the way that all adults seemed to know how to do. Monika reached up to accept it as it was handed to her, but Ms. Fujita pulled it just out of her reach and bore a serious look into Monika as the two locked eyes.
"Homeroom teachers are expected to take a role of guidance and care in the lives of their students." Ms. Fujita explained firmly. "I prefer a respectable distance between me and my charges, but I do desire what is best for every single one of you. Even the louds ones." Monika gave an awkward nod, and her teacher continued on. "That is why I am placing the risk of telling you this sensitive information. The past few weeks I feel you have undergone some kind of change Ms. Monika, and I feel losing something such as your club would be a crippling blow to your morale and poorly influence your education even further, not to mention putting risks into the younger generation is what teaching is all about. Now, take this late-slip to your next class, get your club's act together, and I will see you here tomorrow morning after delivering Ms. Moriyama to her class." Ms. Fujita lowered the slip back down, her eyes never leaving Monika's as she accepted the slip for real this time.
Monika's mind had been whirling throughout the entire conversation, however she managed to stand and bow politely to her teacher before leaving. Knowing about the bad news was better than being blindsided by it.
"Thank you, Ms. Fujita."
"Shoo."
Managing a small smile Monika took her leave, passing several students who entered the class as she left. The smile faded as soon as she stepped into the hallway, thinking of Ms. Fujita's warning all the way to her next class. The literature club was under attack, and she wasn't quite sure how she was going to defend it. It was true her club was not the den of iniquity that Himari had played it out to be, but her inability to properly and efficiently run her club hadn't come purely from the imagination. Hadn't she said herself that every week there was sort of argument or problem sprouting up in the clubroom? Even now she was still down a member, and another was barely in condition to be coming to school at all.
At the thought of Sayori she pulled her phone from her blazer and checked for any messages or missed calls, but to her relief she saw none. Perhaps she needed to put more faith in Sayori, the girl was anything but fragile after all and when it came down to it, Monika wondered if Sayori wasn't the strongest out of the entire club. It was something she had never fully appreciated, but despite her disorder Sayori truly did try harder than almost anyone, even if she got distracted half of the time.
Though she didn't have to worry as hard about Sayori now, the unsettling news of the club being supervised and Natsuki's continued rough streak kept her mind more than occupied throughout class. When she wasn't working on quadratic trigonometry, she was wondering just how much trouble Natsuki was truly in. When she had finished her English assignments with ease, her mind wandered to who would inspect her club, and how thoroughly. By the time lunch came around she was hungry and tired, both physically and mentally, from worrying throughout the day and scoured the hallways and empty classrooms for any sign of Sayori to no avail.
Monika frowned and checked her phone again, but it was still devoid of any notifications. Trying to push back the concern rising within her, she typed out a quick text.
You: Hey Sayori, I hope today is going well for you! Where are you at, I was hoping we could sit together for lunch?
The moment Monika hit "Send" she instantly regretted it. She probably sounded overbearing, like the very parents Sayori was avoiding. They had spent all weekend stuck with each other, and she probably wanted a bit of privacy after being essentially stripped of it by living in a shelter with Monika. She pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head as she made her way to her Home Economics class. It wasn't like either of them had a lunch to eat anyway, so sitting together would be awkward and probably only make them both more uncomfortable. By the time she got to the classroom she was hoping that Sayori wouldn't see the message as opposed to how she had felt beforehand.
During her free period Monika had tried to play a bit of piano in the music room to help relax her, but holding a pencil for almost seven hours had left her injured hand feeling sore and tingly. Instead she opted to go over her poem for the club and occasionally try a few notes to sound busy, when she felt her phone buzz within her blazer pocket. Monika fished it out and saw a text from Sayori, quickly tapping it open and reading the message.
M. Sayori: im ok, sorry for not answering. been catching up on what i missed last week!
Monika smirked and pocketed the phone again. It was just like Sayori to send texts without proper grammar, but to write poetry so perfectly and fluently. How her phone didn't automatically capitalize her "I's" however, Monika couldn't begin to guess. A glance at the clock told her that it was almost time for the club to meet, and so after gathering her things she walked down the hall as fast as her injuries would let her. She slid the door to the clubroom open to find Yuri having just arrived as well, sitting in her usual spot while retrieving a thick hardcover from her bag. The two locked eyes as Monika stepped inside, and she flashed her clubmate a smile.
"Good afternoon Yuri, doing alright-" She paused, her skin prickling as she recalled what had happened the last time she had been in the club with Yuri. That wasn't what bothered her however, what bothered her was what had transpired Friday and the fact that she had never gotten back to Yuri to let her know both she and Sayori were okay. Yuri had even apologized when Monika had been the one to freak out, thinking herself responsible. After everything Yuri had done for her the least she could have done was reassure her, but Monika had been so caught up with Sayori's appearance that it had slipped her mind all weekend. Like everyone else, she had completely forgotten Yuri. Some friend you are.
Monika quickly approached Yuri, something that seemed to surprise and mildly terrify the poor girl as she took her hands and quickly bowed her head. "Yuri, God I'm so sorry! I really flipped out on you Friday, and I really shouldn't have ran out on you like I did. You were trying to help and I was so worried about you finding out something was wrong with me that I just panicked, and I meant to reply to your text, but something big happened over the weekend and I just completely forgot! I'm so very sorry, I promise I won't let you fall by the wayside like that again!" The apology flew out of Monika's mouth so fast that it seemed to take Yuri several moments to nod and digest everything that she had been told.
After a few moments of tantalizing silence, Yuri lowered Monika's hands and said, "Monika, while I appreciate your apology, there is no need for it. I uh, I do not think it would be fitting for me to feel any sort of bitterness when you were the one who was clearly suffering. I am well aware I tend to fade t-to the background, so to say." She took a deep breath and managed a sad smile that made Monika think Yuri knew more than she let on. "I respect your privacy enough to not pry as to what caused your, erm, 'mental-breakdown' shall we call it. All I ask is if applicable in the future, please let me know you are alright. While we have not always been particularly close, I would… I would be quite devastated to lose another friend and club member." With that Yuri dropped Monika's hands completely, but Monika couldn't help but feel a rush of gratitude towards her clubmate, as well as sympathy for her friend to be so used to being ignored that it didn't even bother her.
The sound of rubber crutches tapping against the tiled floor from outside grabbed Monika's attention, and she strolled over to the door with a smile and said, "Thank you, really. Hopefully this will add a bit of credence to why I was so distracted over the weekend. I'd like to welcome back one of our clubmates today," She pulled the door open just as Sayori approached and gave a warm smile as she hobbled inside. "So, please help me give Sayori the warm welcome she deserves!" Sayori stopped just in front of the desks and turned to look at Yuri, who seemed just as caught off guard as when Monika rushed to her for an apology. It was only for a split second, but Monika saw the redness and puffiness in her eyes and narrowed her eyes in concern, but she said nothing.
"Ehehe, good to see you Yuri." Sayori said softly. She balanced on one of her crutches and gave a friendly wave, while Yuri calmly stood from her desk and approached Sayori with a look of both relief and utter delight at seeing their clubmate again. Though Monika couldn't help but notice the disappointed glance she casted towards the door. "I'm sorry for missing you two at the hospital, I was sleeping a whole lot and then a lot of stuff happened over the weekend, but I'm really glad to be back again. I uh…" Sayori looked around the classroom, and though just having her back seemed to make the entire room feel a bit livelier, there was no denying that something was clearly missing.
"If it's okay," Sayori continued, "I have a bit of an announcement I feel like I need to make. I was hoping everyone would be here, but… well, I still need you two to know." Monika couldn't see Sayori's face from where she leaned against the teacher's desk, but she had the feeling the girl wasn't smiling. Yuri raised her eyebrows, but nodded respectfully to Sayori and showed she was listening. "I know a lot of… well a lot of stuff got said. At the festival. I wanted to address some of that, if I may. Particularly regarding my sexuality, and my… mental health." She glanced back towards Monika who gave a smile and a nod of encouragement.
Sayori sighed and Monika could see the way her hands clenched and unclenched as she thought through her words. "What Himari said about me being depressed is true. I got diagnosed when I was about thirteen, and I don't really tell anyone about it. For obvious reasons." She let out a joyless chuckle before continuing on, and Monika felt a familiar ripple of shame within her. "I know it can be hard to see me as having such a serious condition when I put on such a happy face, but the truth is I hate it when people know. Because then everyone starts pitying me and acting different and… I just hate it." Sayori took another breath and bobbed her head a bit before putting a smile back on, as if it was second nature by now.
"The second thing, my sexuality, is also true… well partially, I mean I kinda like girls as much as I like boys, but you know what I mean." Sayori let out an awkward chuckle and though Monika could tell she was nervous, she was proud that her friend had gathered the courage to talk about her issues. Yuri remained passive, listening intently to Sayori's every word. "I know everyone will probably be a bit worried about, like, whether I'm going to be staring at you during the club, or if I'm flirting or anything like that, so if there's anyway I can reassure either of you guys please, please let me know. I really don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable in the club because of me." Monika watched as Sayori shuffled her good leg awkwardly and suddenly felt the urge to run over and comfort her, but to her surprise Yuri beat her to it.
Yuri, calmly and silently, lifted both of her arms before Sayori and motioned towards her: a request for a hug. Monika watched as Sayori gave a weak nod in response and Yuri gently wrapped both of her arms around her and held Sayori close.
"In that case, I have something to say in response." Yuri said softly. "I'm... sorry. I'm so sorry that you felt so concerned about how we would perceive you that you felt the need to give the club a disclaimer for your mere presence. Though you may not see it as our responsibility, I am filled with shame that I myself was never able to see a friend struggling before my very eyes."
"I'm good at bluffing." Sayori's muffled voice came from Yuri's shoulder. Yuri herself chuckled quietly and patted Sayori's back, seeming to simply enjoy having the other's presence. Though Monika felt a twinge of jealousy, she quickly casted it aside. She couldn't blame anyone for enjoying Sayori's famous hug-energy.
Yuri released Sayori, making sure she was balanced before stepping back and bowing her head. "Your seuxality does not change the fact that you are not a lecherous person, Sayori. The mere suggestion that liking the same sex and lust are connected is, frankly, a harmful and outdated stereotype. P-perhaps it is presumptuous of me, but I believe I speak for both Monika and I when I say that your depression, your sexuality, these things do not define you and will not change our perception of you." Monika nodded in confirmation from the desk and stepped over to the other two members with a confident smile on her face.
"Couldn't have put it better myself." Monika stated, giving Sayori's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Sayori gave her a weak smile and wiped her nose, taking both Yuri's and Monika's hands in her own and giving each a gentle squeeze in thanks. As they all returned to their seats, Monika took out her pen and looked at the club. Despite the evident feeling that lingered from Natsuki's absence, and with the imminent threat of the club soon to be supervised, Monika felt genuinely happy in the literature club for the first time in a while. At that moment it truly felt as though they were all headed onto the path of progress, despite the dangers that loomed overhead she knew that together they had a fighting chance.
"Well, with that being said, I'd say we're long overdue for a session of the literature club!" Monika announced. "So, go on ahead and get your books out, and let's begin!"
Monday's literature club meeting was just about over. They had concluded not to share their poems given it was everyone's first day back, and though Monika had been eager to show Sayori her tanka she was patient enough to wait until tomorrow when they were all a little less emotionally charged. Yuri had made tea for the group as per usual and caught up with Sayori for a few minutes, leaving Monika to think about the threats to the club and how best to tackle them.
That had over an hour ago now, and after Sayori had fallen asleep at her desk for some much approved rest, Monika had decided to fill Yuri in on everything that had happened over the weekend, from seeing Natsuki being ganged up on to Ms. Fujita's warning.
"That is… quite a lot to swallow, Monika." Yuri admitted after she was done. Monika nodded solemnly, taking a sip of her tea as she peeked over at Sayori who remained asleep. She hadn't wanted to disrupt her rest, and also hadn't quite figured out how to tell Sayori about everything either. "To think those… those cowards would gang up on her, it makes me sick. Not to mention now the club itself is going to be supervised sporadically, it just seems like everything is…"
"Caving in?" Monika finished for her. Yuri nodded and buried herself into her own cup of tea. "Yeah, I know what you mean. They don't seem to know she's left the club yet, which is a blessing considering they might shut us down for good if they find out we don't even have enough members. They're already looking for a reason from the sounds of it."
Yuri finished her cup and sighed, glancing at the clock with a sullen expression that Monika felt all too well. "And naturally, if someone comes in to inspect the club then it is only a matter of time before they discover Natsuki is no longer present. So, either we find a way to bring Natsuki back, or we lose the club." Yuri added, to which Monika nodded again. They both remained quiet for a moment before Yuri followed Monika's eyes over to Sayori and she managed a brief smile.
"She reminds me of how you looked a few weeks ago, you know. When you missed school and showed up Wednesday? It's that same level of just, utter exhaustion." Monika watched the gentle rise and fall of Sayori breathing, and she had to agree that Yuri wasn't far off. She looks like someone who's been face to face with death and came out barely breathing, like someone who didn't even know if they wanted to win. It hurt Monika's chest to recognize that level of tired so clearly, both for her sake and Sayori's. At least she was getting rest.
"I just want to see her smile, and make her happy." Monika admitted, feeling some of her own exhaustion leak out. "I'm so tired of seeing her hide it behind that faux-cheer and overbearing friendliness when I know it's fake, and I know she's tired of it too. But it's so hard for her to break out of it when it's the only response she has to her depression. Honestly, it makes me ecstatic that she was able to open up to us today, to see her take that step forward." Monika hummed softly and waited for an answer from Yuri, a comforting quote from a book or inspiring words brought from the heart, but when that didn't come she turned to see Yuri staring at Monika with a surprised expression. "What?"
Yuri shook her head, though the surprise was still written clearly across her face. "Nothing, nothing. I've just... never heard you talk about someone in such a manner before. You've just uh, well, seemingly dedicated yourself to the club, and to Sayori even more so since she had her fall. You're very clearly exhausted, hungry, and struggling to stay afloat despite the stress, if I may be so bold, but I don't think I've ever seen you smile so much in one day." Yuri finished in a neutral tone.
"Well, I mean, I guess she's just been rubbing off on me." Monika replied hurriedly. Why was she feeling so defensive? Yuri said nothing, only letting out a low hum in thought as the two sat in relative quiet for a moment, but Monika's mind was whirling with the suggestion between Yuri's words. She knew Yuri wasn't so bold as to flat out admit her thoughts on the matter, but Monika could read it loud and clear, and she didn't like the implications whatsoever.
True, she had put in a great amount of effort and concern into Sayori, from making sure she was safe to pushing her to take care of herself. Escorting her to class and carrying her books was just showing that she was a good friend though, and likely a response to the guilt she still felt over her actions from both the festival and the game. That didn't mean anything other than she was caring, right? It was like holding her hand to help her go to sleep, she would have done any of those things for any of the club members, because she had to make up for her mistakes somehow.
Her mind reflected on how good it had felt whenever Sayori had hugged her, how each time she smiled was like a ray of the sun itself shining its beams on Monika, or how seeing her buried beneath her bedhead made Monika crack a grin, but she quickly pushed those thoughts away. Sayori wasn't even her type to begin with, Monika liked a partner who was adventurous and could keep up with her. Someone who liked to laugh, who could comfort her, someone who could be lazy and calm some days but crazy and silly on others. She wanted someone who was passionate and loved romance as much as she did, someone who could sit and watch the fireworks with her on summer nights, or dance among fireflies with her as the sun set low. Most of all, she wanted someone who she made happy as much as they made her happy.
Sayori fit every single one of those requirements.
Oh no, oh no no no. Not her, I can't get a crush on Sayori of all people. They're all off limits, but especially her! Monika felt her mouth go dry and could tell she was shaking, visibly too if the look on Yuri's face was anything to go by. Her foot was tapping rapidly against the floor. Was her face red? It felt red, hot with shame and embarrassment and guilt. A look at the clock told her that it was 5:26. Time to go.
"Well, club's just about over. Better clean up, don't want to leave a mess for someone to complain about, ahaha!" Monika quickly began returning the electric kettle to the closet while Yuri took their teacups out to wash, after giving Monika a look that told her quite plainly she was concerned. After the desks were rearranged and Sayori was woken up from her nap, something that Monika found made her shaking considerably worse, the girls began their farewells.
"Well, we didn't get to share poems today, but that's okay." Monika said as she carefully slung her bag around her back. "I think it was good for all of us to just relax and get back into the swing of things slowly, we'll just kind of call it a recuperate-day. We'll read our poems tomorrow, and maybe work on some other projects we can do-" She paused as Sayori raised her hand into the air, and Monika motioned for her to speak. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Don't let her see your face. Don't look at her.
"What about Natsuki?" Sayori asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "We're going to get her back, right? If I'm still vice-president then I decree we find a way to get her back. We can't just pretend she isn't here!" Monika and Yuri glanced at each other, and Monika nodded towards Sayori while avoiding direct eye contact.
"Me and Yuri did briefly discuss it while you were resting, Say." She confirmed. "We're going to get her back together, and we're going to do whatever it takes." She didn't add that if they failed then they likely wouldn't have a club to come back to. She would tell Sayori eventually, sometime soon. Just not yet. There seemed to be a lot of things she couldn't tell Sayori, but she supposed that was just the way things had to be. Yuri nodded her support of the decision, and with a wave to the other two, departed towards the hallway.
"A pleasant evening to you both. I-I'm, well… I'm glad you're both okay." With a final smile, and a cheerful wave from Monika and Sayori, Yuri departed. For a moment Monika and Sayori stood in the classroom for a moment, both of them silent as the late afternoon sun filtered in through the windows. Monika's mind continued to whirl like it always did, so much so that she hadn't even noticed Sayori speaking to her until she felt the tap on her shoulder to grab her attention.
When Monika turned to face her, she forced herself to look Sayori in the eyes so as to not arouse suspicion, unfortunately that only seemed to make Monika feel worse as she realized how much she liked looking in those eyes.
"Moni? Are you okay?" Sayori asked. Monika quickly nodded, and found herself grateful that she didn't pursue the subject. "Well, I guess uh… we should go, huh? I know we're going to the same place and all, but I still feel the need to ask…" Monika watched as she fidgeted in her crutches and raised an eyebrow at her. Sayori sighed through her nostrils and glanced out towards the hallway. "I'm kinda nervous, about what might be waiting for me outside of school. Or rather, who might be waiting for me. It would make me feel a lot better if something were to happen, that I would at least have someone by my side. That being said, um… do you want to walk home? With me?"
Monika recalled her response the last time she had been asked that question. Thank you Sayori, but not today. Kindly worry about yourself and please leave me alone. She had hated the thought of Sayori wanting to walk home with her, with the notion that Sayori wanted anything outside of her programming, but here it filled her with a warmth inside that she both loved and hated. It made her happy.
It made her feel wanted.
"Yeah, I'll walk you home." Monika said with a smile as she nodded towards the doorway. Sayori tailed behind her grinning ear from ear as they began their trek to the first floor and towards the door that would lead them out onto the sidewalk. The long and arduous sidewalk that would take them home. Monika squirmed with the feelings inside of her, but she could put them aside long enough for a walk. As she listened to the sounds of their slippers slapping against the tiles, Sayori spoke up from beside her.
"Hey Monika?"
"Yeah, Say?"
"We probably should have asked Yuri for a ride."
Monika snorted and shook her head as Sayori giggled beside her, holding the door open for the both of them as they passed from the school into the sunlight beyond.
"Yeah, yeah we probably should have."