Chapter 11: Heart to Heart
A chapter where two souls open up little by little, and guards can finally be lowered.
The late afternoon sun felt good on Monika's face, warmth coursing through her entire body as the chilled October air kept her from getting too heated. The sound of her slippers connecting to the sidewalk, mixed with the gentle thump of rubber crutches beside her only complimented the warmth. To anyone else it would've seemed harmless, two friends casually walking home after a day of school to relax and enjoy their off hours in leisure. That was all it should have been, nothing less and nothing more. But it wasn't.
They had been mostly quiet on the walk home, with little to no small talk as they waited patiently for a crossing sign to change, or a small comment of warning as they passed over a particularly bumpy part of the cement, and Monika knew why. Sayori had been worried about her parents cornering her after school. Her comment about who might be waiting for her hadn't left much room for speculation, and Monika had been fully prepared for a confrontation with the Moriyamas. Scathing critiques of their parenting, numerous excuses for Sayori's actions, she had readied them all for what seemed like an inevitable encounter, but like most things Monika focused her energy into, the effort had been in vain.
Nobody had been waiting for them. There were no condescending stares from the front of the school, no car patiently waiting for the right moment to pull out of the parking lot and block their path, just other students leaving their clubs and making their way home. Monika had felt a mixture of deep relief and a tiny bit of disappointment at not having to confront them, and to her surprise Sayori seemed to express similar feelings if the lost expression on her face was anything to go by.
"I guess I was worried for nothing." Sayori mumbled as they peacefully passed the parking lot.
"Were you hoping to see them out here?" Monika asked, but Sayori only shrugged. She knew her own newfound dedication to protecting her friends was a big reason that she had secretly hoped to see them, but she had expected Sayori to express much more relief at her parents not forcing her into a confrontation. After thinking on the matter for a short while, Monika turned to Sayori who also seemed to be lost in thought and asked, "Are you worried that because they didn't show up, you think they don't care what happens to you? Your parents, I mean."
Sayori widened her eyes at the question, blinking a few times before frowning and looking off towards the street. "Yeah… I know, it probably sounds silly huh? I was terrified they'd wait outside the school and try to force me to come home, but I was also so sure they would…" Her troubled expression only strengthened as the crosswalk they were waiting at turned green and the two of them crossed to the next street. "I texted them while I was waiting in line for the showers Friday night, I told my Mom that I was safe somewhere and really needed time to reevaluate my situation, in so many words. And…"
"And?" Monika asked, but Sayori shook her head.
"No reply, which isn't like her. When I saw my savings account Saturday and saw there wasn't hardly any money, I figured they were trying to smoke me out. But, what if they're happy I'm gone and that's why they didn't try and take me back? No more therapy bills, no more wasted food, no more medical expenses, no more being embarrassed by a daughter that steps outside dressed like a-" Monika had no doubt that Sayori could have continued berating herself all the way back to the shelter, but she refused to hear any more of it. She spun on her heel and stepped right in Sayori's path, placing a hand on each of her friend's cheeks and squishing them together to force her to stop.
They were close, too close even. Monika could see directly into her eyes and the way they shifted and stared back in curiosity. She liked looking into them and seeing the thoughts and emotions that swirled around in them like pools of water, but she liked it too much. She needed to focus.
"You're being mean to my friend." Monika said bluntly. "So I'm going to have to ask you to stop, because I don't tolerate anyone hurting my friends anymore. Not even themselves." Sayori no longer met her eyes, instead staring off into the street again. Monika frowned, worried she might've made Sayori feel worse with her words and turned back the way they had been walking, spotting a wooden bench against a small rock wall just ahead of them. "Come on, you've been walking too long anyway. Let's give your leg a rest." If her own thigh was hurting from the walk, she knew Sayori's leg had to be aching something fierce.
"I'm not even using it though." Sayori grumbled through a heavy breath, but she relented as Monika gently led her over to the bench and the both of them sat down with a few groans of discomfort from Sayori. Monika allowed her a minute to get comfortable to adjust her duffel for her damaged ribs, and during a few moments of silence she decided to take a new route to combat Sayori's self-degrading. She thought about the best way to counteract negativity about one's flaws, and how she personally relied on facts and figures to reassure herself. Perhaps that would help Sayori?
"So." Monika began. Sayori glanced over at her, but said nothing. "You're worried that your parents don't care anymore, because they didn't come and try to drag you back home. Right?" Sayori nodded, mumbling something about it being stupid, but Monika ignored her. "Let's go over why that doesn't seem very likely. You didn't mention them guilting you after you woke up, right? You told me as soon as you came clean about everything, they started talking about phoning up doctors and therapists again, right?"
Sayori seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding. Monika smiled softly and held up her fingers, listing off the things she remembered Sayori telling her about her parents. "They clearly put a lot of effort into taking care of you if they did their damndest to keep you in therapy. You had a nice room, with lots of stuffed animals and clothes, and from the looks of it, a lot of love." Just because she had never experienced it herself didn't mean she couldn't recognize it, though it did make her heart ache somewhat. "You did have a good home, and it wasn't because they were waiting for you to leave. Even if… even if things changed and they became overbearing and didn't listen, it sounds like most of their actions came from concern."
A dying leaf fell from the foliage over their heads and Sayori blew it away, watching as it fluttered into traffic. Monika quickly spoke back up, suddenly worried she may not have worded herself properly. "Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make up for what they did and considered doing, and I'm personally still waiting for the opportunity to tell them off. But, I believe they care for you. Even if the way they've gone about it is wrong." She finished. It was as polite as she could manage for Sayori's parents.
Sayori nodded, readjusting herself into a more comfortable position on the bench. "I know you're probably right, I guess I'm having trouble figuring out what they're trying to do here. Are they just waiting for me to come back on my own, or are they like, planning something? I just feel confused, and upset, and… ugh. I hate that I'm like this." Sayori clutched at her head as if pulling her hair might suddenly give her the answers she so desperately sought. Monika scooted a bit closer to her, placing a hand on her shoulder to offer the only form of comfort that she could.
Sayori sighed and glanced up at Monika with that tired look she recognized far too well now. Something caught Sayori's attention however, and she let go of her head to raise a hand up towards Monika's face. Slowly, gently, until Monika was sure that Sayori was going to caress her cheek and send shivers down her spine at the slightest hint of affectionate touch, except she didn't. Instead she recoiled as her neck suddenly burned at Sayori's touch, and Monika hissed at the unexpected sting of cold fingers brushing against her raw skin. Her hand clamped to her own neck, and Sayori's hands jolted back in surprise as she quickly stammered out an apology.
"Oh, I'm sorry! Shoot, I'm so sorry Moni, I was really hoping they were old, I shouldn't have touched you without asking, I'm really sorry." Sayori quickly raised her hands back up as if she was going to pry Monika's hand from covering the scars, but seemed to think better of it and hesitated. "They're not old, are they? Those are from this morning, at least." Monika didn't immediately answer and so Sayori pushed further. "Why do you scratch yourself in your sleep?" Now it was Monika's turn to stare off towards the street as she tried to think up a response that wouldn't push Sayori's concern any further. She clearly already had a lot clogging her mind, and didn't need Monika's weird issues adding to that space.
"I'm… I'm fine, they're from the other day. My neck is just a bit tender still, that's all." She told Sayori after a minute, putting as much faux confidence as she could into her voice as Sayori watched her. For as much as Monika found a secret childish joy in knowing Sayori was looking at her, now was one of the times she only felt dread and bitterness at knowing Sayori's eyes were staring her down. It was like when she had turned her back on her after her first day back, or when she had left her feeling hopeless in the park after yelling at her. Dead or alive, in the game or out here, the feeling of Sayori staring at her was never something she could casually ignore.
Monika gave a smile and for a moment it seemed like Sayori had bought it as she remained silent. Then her mouth split open and in a calm and serious voice she said, "You're lying, I know your tells. You're getting distant and zoning out on me." Sayori's voice was not accusatory, rather it was firm. She always seemed to find the strength to be secure when it came to taking care of others, and a part of Monika wished Sayori could find that inner assertiveness to take care of herself. Despite this, she still couldn't answer. She didn't want to, she didn't want this conversation. Why couldn't they go back to talking about Sayori's problems?
"Why do you scratch your neck, Monika?" She repeated, more gently now.
She wished there was a way to tell Sayori without sounding like a lunatic, something to justify her desire to keep them all safe and to also keep herself in line. Even if she did know of a way, there was no way Sayori could handle that knowledge without either taking the blame or despising Monika. Maybe a part of her was selfish for not wanting Sayori to hate her, or maybe it was just being reasonable. She thought highly of Sayori, cared for her deeply, but it was one secret she couldn't give up. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
"It's complicated, Say." Monika breathed as the road in front of them slowly became congested with traffic. "Don't worry about it, okay? I don't want to make things worse for you by telling you all the problems I have in my head." She tried to bring up a smile for reassurance, but something in her words or her tone must have clicked wrong because Sayori's face melted into a look of utter dejection. She no longer felt the burning gaze as Sayori turned back to the traffic, and both girls could see their faces in the reflection of the metal of the waiting cars. Monika didn't like the sapped look they both wore.
"You don't trust me." Sayori said simply. Her voice held no room for doubt, just disappointment and hurt. For some reason her lack of uncertainty bothered Monika, as if her friend had expected this outcome from the very beginning. As if it were actually true. Monika felt a flicker of heat underneath her skin at the fact that she did trust Sayori, just not with everything. How could Sayori expect to be trusted with Monika's secrets when she didn't even share her own?
"Well, you don't exactly trust me either." Monika huffed as she crossed her arms. "I saw how red your eyes were when you walked into the club. Something went wrong and you were crying, weren't you? You say that I take on everything alone, but you're not any better." She could feel the frustration bubble within her, like a wound that continued to fester and deepen with each word. She tried to replace the annoyance in her voice with concern, but it didn't come out quite so passively as she added, "I asked you to text me, or call, anything other than suffer through it silently!"
Sayori frowned, narrowing her eyes as she turned from the traffic to glower at Monika. "You were fine with letting me cry before, you know. You only started caring now because you're worried I'm going to jump off a bridge again, Mom." She snapped, and Monika flinced at the venom in her voice. She couldn't remember a single time she had heard Sayori speak with such animosity, even when she had been upset at Monika she had always spoken with more urgency than hostility. Here it only sounded spiteful, and with a hollow ache in her chest she realized that it didn't just feel bad, it hurt. It hurt because it was true, and so without a word she quietly sank deeper into the bench. She had gone too far, again, and been given exactly what she deserved.
If Monika looked upset, Sayori looked absolutely mortified. Her eyes instantly widened and her mouth gaped open, each breath she took seemed heavier than the last as if she was trying to cough the words back up. "I-I didn't mean that… that wasn't…" Her lip quivered as she clenched her eyes shut, and from out of the corner of her eye Monika could see her balling her fist up as she laid her forehead against it. Monika remained silent, listening to the sounds of Sayori fighting back tears beside her as the words, "I'm sorry" were quietly repeated over and over. A cold breeze blew through Monika's hair, sending a chill down her spine.
She glanced back at Sayori who was still whispering out apologies with her eyes clenched tight. It was like walking away from her in the park all over again, except now the cards had been flipped and Monika was the one begging to be allowed to help. She had been scared of what she had walked away from then. Scared of the lies she had forced herself to believe. Now, rather than being scared of what she had to gain, she was scared of what she had to lose, and while she didn't think Sayori was about to get up and walk away like she had, she didn't want to risk losing Sayori physically or metaphorically.
Monika gently scooted over and wrapped her arms around Sayori, pulling her closer and ignoring the voices in her head that said touching her was bad. She could still hear the muffled apologies as she gingerly patted Sayori's head, but she didn't hear any tears. "I forgive you." Monika soothed as she listened to her friend's labored breathing. She thought back to all the different ways she had felt in the park, and decided to respond based on that. "I know you didn't mean it. You're… you're injured, exhausted, and nobody really knows how you feel except for you. Even though everyone pretends to understand." She kept her voice soft just like the wind, and after a moment Sayori lifted her head high enough that her voice wouldn't be muffled and spoke.
"I'm not supposed to be like this." Sayori choked out. "I'm not supposed to get upset at little things and be mad, that's not me. That's not me, I promise. I didn't mean it, I really didn't." Monika hated the certainty in her voice. How long had Sayori been forcing herself to smile on the outside, to the point that showing negative emotion made her panic?
"Say, everyone is allowed to be upset." Monika said slowly as she gave her another pat. "You're scared and confused, and you don't really know where your life is headed. You're on medication from your surgery, you're not used to going without food for so long which is undoubtedly making you a little cranky, and to top it all off you have me breathing down your neck." She let out a small hum as the last bits of whatever frustration she held towards Sayori or herself dissipated and relished a little in how good it felt to be the hugger this time around. "I'm sorry for not being there. I know I messed up, even after you gave me chance after chance… and you're right, I did only start caring once you almost… almost…" The memory of sitting on the riverbank and thinking she had let Sayori die again replayed in her head, and she didn't have it in her to finish the sentence. Thankfully, Sayori seemed to understand.
Sayori shook her head as she leaned back up and took a breath, patting her hands against her knees as she reorganized herself. "You were there when it counted, silly. I know we're both really stressed out. It really makes me happy that you care. I should be grateful that anyone is worried about me at all instead of being, you know, whatever that just was. I'm not proud of lashing out like that and I would really appreciate it if we could, you know, start again. We're uh.." She paused and scratched at her cheek for a second, giving Monika an embarrassed smile. "We're not very good at the whole, 'letting other people care about us' thing are we?" Monika closed her eyes and gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. It was the truest statement either of them had said all day unfortunately. They would just have to keep working at it, and to do that one of them would have to take the first step.
"We haven't really made much progress, so I'll tell you what." Monika stood up and gave a small stretch before helping Sayori gently stand from the bench and get situated on her crutches. "I'll tell you something over dinner tonight, and maybe you can tell me about what happened to make your eyes red. Fair trade?" Sayori seemed to think on that for a moment before nodding, and the two of them slowly began to continue their walk to the shelter. The cars whizzed by them freely, and once again Monika listened to the sounds of soles on concrete, and rubber on pavement. She noticed every breath of wind, every horn, every leaf that fluttered by them, and noticed how real everything truly felt.
She glanced back at Sayori for a moment, and noticed just how real she felt too. Hoping she was real, thinking that she was real, it made Monika smile. As the last bits of tension faded away and Sayori made some idle comments about the weather getting colder, Monika thought about their little spat and about how important Sayori had become in her life. She could hardly believe that less than two weeks ago she had been looking for a way to replace her as her vice president. Now she was like a watchful guardian for all of the club members, or at least she was trying to be. Something told her a good guardian wouldn't get a crush on the person she was supposed to protect.
She gave a small sigh and shook her head to force herself away from the subject. The more she thought about it, the bigger a headache she would no doubt have, and she didn't want that. All she wanted was to enjoy the rest of her Monday evening with her best friend, and so she smiled and joined in Sayori's pleasantries. Weather, Halloween, school work, all the little mundane topics that should've made it a boring conversation. But it wasn't.
When they arrived at the Helping-Hands Shelter they were greeted warmly by the receptionist who had even managed to remember Monika's name, and the two went their separate ways towards the showers. The heat of the water did well to soothe Monika's aches from her various bruises and injuries, though the shower always ended before she could ever really enjoy the relaxing nature of the water. It made her think of the bath she had taken at Yuri's and how relaxing that had been until her thoughts had interrupted it. She'd have to see about visiting Yuri again, if only to properly relax in the bath. Perhaps they could all have a sleepover.
As Monika reached her cot, she saw Sayori had already finished showering and received a blanket that she had wrapped around herself until only her face and feet were visible. "You look like a cinnamon roll." Monika commented as she slid her school bag underneath her cot. Sayori stuck her tongue out and looked down within her blanket where Monika could see the slight glow of her phone shining through.
"Well, I am a cinnamon roll, so that checks out! Oh, Naomi was looking for you by the way!" The excited twinkle in her eyes told Monika they were sharing the same idea, and Sayori nodded towards the main offices encouragingly. "Hurry up and go so I can find out what job you got! I'd come with, but I'm really comfy and my leg is kinda sore from walking around so much today." Monika gave a small wave to show it wasn't a problem, and with an anxious smile she departed towards the front offices and followed the path she had taken Saturday evening until she arrived at the door labeled "Occupational Recruitment" and gave a few sharp knocks. A muffled voice bade her enter, and she opened the door to the familiar office where Naomi shifted from an upright pose to a much more laid back one after seeing Monika.
"Oh good, it's just you." Naomi kicked her feet up onto her desk and cushioned her hands behind her head with the remnants of a yawn still on her lips. "You knock just like my boss does and it made me freak out a little. I was visiting family in Shinjuku City last night and I still haven't fully uh, recovered. They like to party. Lots of clubs over there." She blinked a few times as Monika approached, only to shake her head and wave a hand back and forth as Monika respectfully bowed to the woman. "No no no, don't do that. Don't get all formal, you'll make me feel old. Just sit down and, guh, try not to make loud noises. Please."
Monika gave her an uncertain smirk and sat patiently in the armchair while Naomi busied herself by squinting at her monitor and typing each key slowly but steadily. After a minute she clicked her mouse a few times and let out a groan as a printer on the other side of the room whirred to life. "So, good news is I got in contact with the organization I worked under for tutoring. They're always looking for new applicants around this time of year before the busy season picks up, and because you signed permission for them to request a transcript from your school, they were able to pre-screen your grades."
"Your academic records are frankly, top notch. Like it-makes-me-worried-for-your-social-life top notch." Naomi laughed playfully before grimacing and clutching her head. She held a finger up to Monika for a moment before slowly regaining her composure and nodding her head gently. "I should not be at work. Bleugh, anyways, your grades and track record is good enough to get in, yada yada." Monika watched as she stood from her chair and shuffled over to the printer, swiping the papers and sliding them over to Monika. It was a copy of her transcript, as well as what looked to be a letter addressed to Monika from the company itself.
"Study Buddy Tutoring?" Monika asked with a raised eyebrow.
Naomi nodded and took a swig of a water bottle sitting on her desk before answering further. "Yeah, stupid name. But they're good about treating the tutors right and listening to feedback, even let you decide your schedule. The bad news, is they weren't sure about your application based on your family name not being officially registered. I saw you added a note explaining your history with that and that you're in the process of legally changing it, but the fact of the matter is most businesses won't hire you in situations like this. Identity and legal stuff, you know how it is." She explained. Monika gritted her teeth and silently cursed whatever damned entity (she knew exactly which one) had decided to put her into a world without giving her proper identification for it.
That made two instances of needing to get her identity properly sorted out in one day, it was a sign if she had ever seen one. The problem with changing, or in this case giving herself, a surname legally was that it required paperwork, time, and namely cash. As it stood however she couldn't gain money for a name change without a job, but she couldn't acquire a job without a name change. She groaned as yet again a roadblock impeded her from trying to actually live and sank into the armchair. The only good thing Monika had gathered from the conversation was that Naomi wouldn't be the only one nursing a headache after this.
"Yep. Not a lot you can do." Naomi said bluntly as she took another sip. "Unless of course, you have a few favors saved up in the industry." She flashed Monika a weary grin and leaned forward to point towards the bottom of the letter. "That's the address, you go there and let them know what hours and what days you're available for tutoring. You've been qualified to tutor students from Elementary all the way to Upper Secondary. Clients pay through the company and you pick up your check every other Friday."
Monika blinked a few times, her eyes flicking between the letter and Naomi as her mouth slowly dropped open. "I… I have a job? Like, an actual one?" It was such a simple thing, but to Monika it meant more than anyone could have known. This was a step in the direction of truly living, not huddling beneath a bridge and letting the elements batter her. It would take time, and plenty of hard work, but she could start moving on from the life she had been given and start creating her own. "I don't know what to say, Naomi, except… thank you. Thank you so much, if there's anything I can ever do to repay you, please just let me know!" She struggled to contain the child-like glee building up within her, but she managed to squish it down enough to keep her composure.
Naomi's smile faded a little and the weariness seemed to reel back as she crossed her arms and leaned back in her office chair. "Hope you'd ask that, you want to make it up to me? Get Moriyama out of here." Naomi must've seen the look on Monika's face because she raised her hands and quickly added, "Not like that, not like that! I mean, look… she doesn't belong here. You know that. I'm not saying that because I don't like her, or because she's taking up space, it's the total opposite. That kid doesn't deserve to be stuck here, nobody does of course but especially not her." Monika didn't have to see the concern in Naomi's eyes to understand perfectly. She was right, Sayori did not belong there. But...
"I don't know how." Monika admitted. Her gaze drifted off to the side and her right arm clutched her left, an uncertain frown tugging at her lips. "I'm only just starting to figure out how to take care of myself, and even then I'm not really the best at that." She thought of the Sayori's broken leg and mending ribs, of the stitches that ran along the back of her head. Of her rocky homelife and struggle with depression. "Suffering physically and mentally like she is, I can't just tell her to go home and pretend everything's okay. But, I can't confidently say I have a plan on getting myself out of here at the moment, much less her too." She couldn't let this be her life, their life, it was meant to be so much more than what it was. That was why she had been given a second chance in the first place, wasn't it?
Naomi nodded solemnly at Monika's words. "Look, I'm not saying you have to have her gone in a week or whatever, and technically I can't say you have to at all, obviously." She reasoned. "But, maybe if you have a friend who needs a roommate or you can work something out with her folks? They called me up Saturday and asked about her, making sure she's okay. I'm not going to pretend to know what's going on there and you probably know more than me. Just, as a favor. For her sake." The both of them went silent for a minute before Naomi clapped her hands together and motioned towards Monika lazily.
"Anyway, that's all I had. Congrats on getting your job, and uh… good luck I suppose. If you have any questions, hesitate to ask until I feel better please." She gave Monika a tired but still playful smile, with Monika standing and stopping herself from bowing to do the same. She thanked Naomi one last time and quietly closed the door behind her, leaving the hungover aid to their recovery. She returned out to the cots just in time for the announcement of dinner being served, and quickly made her way to the tables where she found Sayori quietly eating while watching her phone that sat propped up.
After grabbing her tray and a cup of water she slid in next to Sayori, papers still tucked under her arm. "So, what're we watching?" She asked. Sayori looked up at her friend's approach and smiled from ear to ear, and Monika knew she couldn't tell her about what Naomi had asked. She didn't want to see the smile disappear.
"Moni! I was just, checking my texts I guess. Did you want to watch something? I was checking out this video earlier of this person who takes old stuffed animals and fixes them up so that they- wait, nevermind about that! What'dja get, what'dja get? Did you get a tutoring job?" Monika smiled and set the letter addressed to her from Study Buddy Tutoring down for the both of them to read. She watched as Sayori's eyes glazed over the letter for a moment as she read, slowly widening along with her smile as she looked back up to Monika and wrapped an arm around her. "Monika! You got it, holy heck you actually- aah! I'm so happy for you! Man, I wish we had something to celebrate with other than some dried veggies."
Monika couldn't help but chuckle as Sayori gently shook her. The letter itself was nothing but a customary letter of acceptance, but it felt special somehow. Like a tangible sign that not only could she change her future, but that she was in fact doing so. Progress. She wasn't sure what kind of schedule she would have or how much she'd make, but it was enough for her to look forward to the future, something she hadn't done since before the festival. As she tucked the letter back into her pocket and began eating her dried vegetables she glanced over at Sayori. Her phone remained open on her texts, and at the top of the screen read the name "Nat-The-Brat". The only text on the screen was a short greeting from Sayori.
Monika felt a tug in her gut as she noticed the disappointed look creeping up on Sayori's face, when her friend suddenly spoke. "I heard you talking to Yuri. About Natsuki, and the club. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop though! I'm just uh, a bit of a light sleeper sometimes. Ehehe." Monika winced, and suddenly felt a cold stab of discomfort course through her. She had told herself she wanted to bring the topic up gently and at the right moment, but deep down she knew she had just been trying to avoid them overall in the vain hope that things would sort themselves out. Sayori would be none the wiser and there would be no risk of her feeling responsible. She risked a glance at Sayori, looking for a sign that she might know more than she let out. What else had she overheard?
"I-I'm sorry, I was going to tell you I just, uh…" Monika rambled out as she tried to organize her thoughts. But Sayori must have noticed the worried look on Monika's face, because she gave her a sheepish smile and interjected.
"Hey, hey, don't worry about it." She reassured. "I'm not mad. I mean, at first I was a little hurt because I thought that you didn't think I could handle it, but then I realized you were probably just trying to not put so much on my plate. The whole 'learning to trust' thing, remember?" She chuckled softly and clicked off of her texts, shoving her phone into her pocket. "I didn't hear it all because I did actually fall in and out of sleep, like, a lot. But I know the club is in trouble. And I know about your run in with Natsuki…" They both went quiet at that, with Monika picking at her slice of melon without interest. It didn't sound like she had overheard Yuri's comments, which was certainly a good thing. But at the same time what she had overheard didn't do much to reassure.
Monika sighed and forced the vegetables into her mouth. She needed to eat whether she was in the mood or not. "Have you heard from her at all since you got out of the hospital?" Monika asked. Sayori shook her head.
"No. Not since the festival, when she left…" She admitted as both girls took out their respective prescriptions and downed them with water in unison. Monika took their trays up to the front, and was disheartened to see Sayori's tray remained mostly untouched.
Just enough for her to not get sick from the pills, Monika realized. If she had been hungry for most of the day, she knew Sayori, who was still adjusting to the lack of food, must've been practically famished. She sighed and followed back to where the cots were patiently waiting for her. Sayori was busy trying to wrap herself in the blanket properly, despite the fact that they still had several hours before lights out. When she sat on her own cot and pulled out her homework for the evening, Sayori spoke up again.
"I can't remember everything that happened that day, you know. I can't remember a lot of things. I can't remember leaving home, or even getting to school. I barely remember the festival itself, but I remember how hurt Natsuki looked. The next chronological memory I can manage is standing on the bridge with you." She had pulled out her phone at first, but upon seeing Monika working on her homework had given a guilty look before doing the same. "Do you think she's okay? With not having the club, and those girls beating her, and hearing about her life at home I just can't help but worry, you know?" Monika wasn't quite sure what to say to that. In truth she hoped Natsuki was doing fine and better than they were, but with everything that she knew she couldn't confidently put her faith in such an outcome.
"Well, Natsuki's tough." Monika said simply. She could see Sayori out of the corner of her eye staring in frustration at her paper and decided to hop up and lend her a hand to help clear the awkwardness in the conversation. The fact that she wanted an excuse to sit close to Sayori was completely irrelevant, and continuously told herself that she was just being helpful. "Here, scooch over. I think that Natsuki probably needs help, maybe in a way she doesn't realize. And, maybe in a way we don't realize. But she is our friend, and we're going to find a way to help her, Say. I promise." Sayori hummed softly in acknowledgement, but said no more on the matter as she held her mathematics paper up for Monika to get a better look at.
An hour and a half later, after finishing most of their work and taking the mandatory break to watch some funny videos on Sayori's phone, Monika decided to call it quits for the night. It wasn't because she was tired, rather it was because Sayori continuously nodded off and was obviously in need of proper rest. The first time Sayori's dozing head leaned against Monika's shoulder a shiver went through her entire body that told her to both get away immediately and to never move from that spot at the same time. Reluctantly, she nudged Sayori awake and told her to go to bed. Sayori blinked at her, seemingly unaware that she had been lying against Monika and groggily laid her feet up on the bed.
"Sorry, I'm sleepy… long first day back…" Sayori mumbled as another yawn overtook her. Monika only smiled as she helped pack away Sayori's supplies for her and handed the stuffed duck that she loved so dearly over. Sayori's breathing had slowed by the time her head hit the pillow. As Monika tucked into her own cot and finished setting up her thesis for her Environmental Science class, she heard the familiar click of the overhead lights flicking off for the night and considered that perhaps it was time for her to get some sleep as well. Soon enough she found herself lying underneath the blankets, eyes closed, warm and content by the quiet lulls of the shelter's nightly sounds, or rather lack thereof. Yet she just couldn't drift off the same way Sayori had: there was too much on her mind.
As much as she didn't want to admit it, she liked Sayori. But why? Why did she shiver whenever she felt Sayori's eyes drift over her skin? Why did seeing her smile make Monika's legs weaken into jelly? Did she really like Sayori romantically, or was she just having a simple high-school crush? There were a lot of questions in her head, too many for her to stop and focus on, and the voices in her head didn't help in the slightest. She hadn't felt this way about someone for a long time, and she remembered all too well what had happened the last time she had thought about being attracted to someone. Pain, selfishness, regret, those were synonymous with her thoughts on love.
It wasn't that Sayori was also a girl, Monika hadn't known what gender they were while in the game after all. She was perfectly comfortable with her sexuality and simply preferred to rely on her feelings as opposed to being restricted by what was in others' pants. That wasn't to say she never thought about such things, she was only human after all and even she had moments of weakness or desire when the mood struck. No, Sayori's gender wasn't the problem. It was everything that had happened between them, all the bad in between the bits of kindness.
You're a monster Monika, you treat someone like dirt and fall for them the moment they show you the slightest bit of affection. Was that why she liked Sayori, because she was nice to her? That seemed to be a solid reason, but Sayori had never not been nice to her. Even when Monika was rude and uncaring, Sayori trudged past it and kept trying, but Monika hadn't felt this way about her back then. Or had she? But all the times she had been unkind to Sayori, all the times she had pushed her away, that seemed proof enough that she wasn't a good fit for her.
Don't forget the way you tampered with her mind, told her she wasn't meant for love because of her depression. The way you spun her through your web to death. "Shut up…" She whispered aloud, though nobody heard. You're the one who isn't meant for love, because you don't know what it is. You obsess, you force, you lust, and you kill. Because if you don't, nobody would ever actually want you and you know it. If they did it would only end in them using you up and tossing you aside. Monika grasped her hair and silently tugged, hoping the sharp bits of pain would make her brain think clearly. Or forget about liking Sayori, either one was preferable at this point. She needed to focus. She needed the inner thoughts of logic, not emotion.
Look at how you made her feel. How you make her cry. You brought the worst out in her, because that's what you do best, just like you brought the worst out in you.
She felt a great amount of affection towards Sayori, maybe as a form of pity from their experiences, maybe because Sayori showed her care that nobody else had. Yuri had said she noticed Monika tending more to Sayori and the club specifically after the fall. Had her feelings awakened at the realization she might lose Sayori all over again? You're caring for her wellbeing to make up for your mistakes and to be a good friend, so you're misplacing your feelings for Sayori. You're nursing her, tending to her, and all that care is being misinterpreted. There was a word for it that she had read before, when nurses would garner romantic feelings for their charges: Nightingale syndrome. It all made sense, that was all her feelings were, side effects of caring for Sayori after nearly dying. We're both suffering from mental health conditions, no good can come from pursuing something with her anyway. Doing so would be selfish. So why did the realization instill as much disappointment as it did relief?
Monika sighed and ran a hand through her hair, sighing aloud as she opened her eyes to the darkness of the empty room around her. She had never realized how similar to the void it was, both in appearance and its bitter chill. The thought alone made the remaining warmth leave her body. Her eyes had yet to adjust to the light, and as such she could barely make out the blanket she laid under. The voices inside of her had quieted down for now, satisfied with her declaration of only liking Sayori due to watching over her, but that didn't mean they would let her sleep. She kicked the blanket off of her legs and glanced over at the only thing she could make out in the darkness: Sayori's cot.
Sayori was sleeping fine, Monika could hear the gentle snores emanating from the cot beside her and knew there was no reason for her to go over to her, even though she wanted to. She knew that whatever feelings she had were false, and even on the off chance they were authentic it would be nothing more than a simple little crush. Yet she couldn't help but rise and slowly tiptoe over to the bundle of blankets that was Sayori. She couldn't help but think that so long as she didn't act upon her feelings in any way that affected Sayori, it would be okay to indulge if only slightly.
She wanted to reach up and hold her hand like she had Friday night, but she couldn't bring herself to. Sayori didn't need any help sleeping, and doing so felt somewhat invasive, almost perverse, when she thought about doing it for her own satisfaction. So instead she decided to simply sit against the cot and try to close her eyes, but even with the faint outline of the cot visible to her the darkness proved too difficult to navigate in, and she felt her back bump the cot far harder than she had intended. Between her intrusive thoughts and being reminded of the void by the shadows, Monika could practically feel her nerves jump into overdrive. This had been a terrible idea, she needed to go back to her cot and lay down in the vain hope of slowing her heartbeat and her rapidly increasing breathing. The sound of movement in the cot behind her forced her entire body to still however.
Monika could hear the slow, almost gentle, shuffling of hair against cloth. A light inhale, followed by an exhale. Please don't wake up, please don't wake up, please please please don't make me have to explain this. She could almost imagine two bright blue eyes blinking behind her, eyebrows crinkling in confusion before a yell of alarm at someone being so close unexpectedly. But the yell did not come, and no more shuffling was heard. Monika let out a sigh of relief and slowly began to stand when a new sound stopped her in her tracks.
"Monika?" Sayori mumbled from behind her. Shit. Monika could hear the sleepiness in her voice, but she didn't turn around to face her. She wasn't sure she could. "Whassamatter? You havin' trouble sleeping?" Monika's first instinct was to say no, to say that she had stumbled on her way to getting a cup of water to hide the horrible travesty that was this scenario, but the lie died on her lips. She couldn't keep hiding things forever, not from Sayori.
"...Yeah." Monika breathed. She was hoping Sayori would offer a simple but sincere apology before turning back around to go to bed, but she knew her better than that. Instead she was greeted by more shuffling as she finally turned around to see Sayori rising from her cot with a few pained winces. Before Monika could stop her or ask what she was doing, Sayori grabbed her blanket and wrapped it around the both of them before gently sitting Monika down on the cot by pulling her shoulder down. Or perhaps she had been using it as a grip as she sat down herself, Monika couldn't tell as she found herself completely distracted by Sayori's touch. The two of them sat on the cot and Sayori let out a silent yawn as she pulled the small blanket around Monika's shoulder, inadvertently pushing the two closer together.
"C'mere, you're gonna catch a cold, silly." Sayori sighed as she snuggled up against Monika. If Monika's heartbeat had been fast a minute ago, it was working hard enough to power a small generator by now. Sayori didn't even seem fully awake, Monika hadn't seen her eyes open more than a crack and her voice was slurred by sleep, but before she could even think of declining the comfort she felt the warmth of Sayori laying her head against her shoulder. Much like a cat, removing herself from underneath a sleeping Sayori just wasn't a sensible idea, and she knew then that there was no avoiding it.
Sayori hummed softly after a moment and murmured, "Left my ukulele at home, or I'd try and lullaby you to sleeps." Monika would have giggled at her words if her stomach hadn't quietly been doing somersaults. Instead she nodded and with a shaking hand rubbed Sayori's back as gently and as platonically as she possibly could. She didn't even know Sayori could play an instrument, and suddenly had the urge to hear her play something. For a minute they were both silent, and for a time Monika had assumed that Sayori had fallen back asleep until she heard the girl whisper beside her.
"You never told me something." Monika turned her head slightly towards Sayori as she added, "Over dinner. You promised." She had promised, hadn't she? The glee of scoring a job as a tutor had left her completely distracted and if she was being honest, she had completely forgotten about their little spat on the walk home. But here in the warmth of her best friend with a blanket enveloping them and her breath slowly becoming more and more easy, she felt much more at ease. If there was ever a time to open up to Sayori, she supposed this would be the best.
Monika thought for a second on how to word something so personal without giving away too much, before finally speaking. "Okay," She began, "You wanted to know why I scratch my neck, right?" Sayori nodded. "It's a little complicated, and even I'm not completely sure, but I think… I think my brain sees it as retribution of sorts. I hurt someone, someone very dear to me, and when I hurt them they inflicted a very serious wound against their neck." Even now in the dark faux void she could barely make out the outline of her friend's neck against her shoulder; she could almost imagine a dark red ring circling her jugular. "When I found out about it, I didn't care at the time. I was… I was so flippant, and I can never get the image of it out of my mind. I'll always see it, even if it's no longer there." She hadn't realized her fingers were clenched around Sayori's shirt until then, and quickly released it.
"Whenever I'm asleep I think I drop my guard a little, or maybe I have too many nightmares and memories and they torment me until my body reacts the only way it knows how. It… you remember in the park when I told you that my body and mind are actively trying to kill the other? I wasn't exaggerating. I can't apologise for it, I can't take it back, so this is my closure. This is how I make amends, by scarring my neck needlessly like I needlessly scarred theirs." Her chest felt heavy and light at the same time, both from the burden of reminding herself of her failures, but also the relief of finally telling someone even if it was only partly the truth. She hadn't cried, or had a flashback of some kind, and though the comfort of having Sayori nearby likely played a role in this, she felt somewhat proud of herself.
Sayori didn't respond, at least not vocally. Instead Monika felt the warmth of a hand slipping into hers and rather than squeezing and risking damage to her stitches, she felt a thumb gently rub back and forth against the top of her hand. It was such a small, silent gesture, but it conveyed so much more than a few sleepy words ever could. It made Monika feel, it made her heart race, it took the weight from her chest and made her feel lighter than air. She refused to let her faux feelings for Sayori ruin the moment by getting excited at such a seemingly simple gesture, and instead closed her eyes. The voices were quiet, the guilt buried deep beneath her skin did not prickle. She was warm against the dark, she was safe from herself, and for a time she was happy to be heard. Happy to be told, "I'm sorry, and I'm here for you."
She didn't realize her head was leaning against Sayori's until sleep itself had long since taken them both.
O. Yuri: I encountered Natsuki in the hallway before class. She was rather resentful towards my presence, and would only communicate in rude hand gestures that seemed to arouse a crowd as sizable as it was amused. Loathe as I am to admit it, I was not able to stay much longer. I apologize Monika, I was very much overwhelmed.
Monika groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose as she rested her elbows against the fall board of the music room's piano. For three days now they had been on the prowl, and it was looking as though this would be the third day they rendezvoused at the club with little to no results. She knew Natsuki hadn't responded well to her own confrontation, but she had hoped that someone a bit closer like Yuri might be able to make an impact in getting her to open up. The problem was that Natsuki was fairly quick and able to weave through crowds with ease and usually spotted them long before they did her. Monika and Sayori both sported leg injuries that hindered their movement, and Yuri quite simply was not a runner and topped out at speed-walking. The fact was Natsuki simply wanted nothing to do with them.
You: Don't worry about it, and thanks for trying. I know that must've been rough, if you want to talk about it during the club you know me and Say will gladly lend an ear. I think we should come up with a new plan anyhow. Monika sent the text and shoved her phone into her blazer pocket, tapping her pen against her head as she tried to focus on a way to get Natsuki to just listen to them for once. The inspection from the staff that Ms. Fujita had warned her about had yet to happen, but Monika knew they were living on borrowed time. She might be able to get away with lying about Natsuki's absence for a visit or two, but really it all depended on what teacher was assigned to them, and how often they stepped in.
She tapped a G sharp key unenthusiastically and sighed. She had come to the music room to help unwind for her free period before clubs, but she just couldn't think of anything to play that really inspired her. She only knew a few songs that she had come up with herself, but none of them seemed fitting given the situation and so she had sat for the last hour thinking and listening to the rain outside. It made her think back to Monday night, when Sayori had mumbled about playing the ukulele to her in her half-awake state. Sayori had naturally been unbothered by the night's incident when they awoke. Meanwhile Monika herself had tried her best not to think about it with little success. The way Sayori's gentle rubbing against the top of her hand had soothed her to sleep, how her breathing had kept Monika's mind from focusing on the voices, it had all been very fulfilling to look back on.
Sayori hadn't commented on Monika's admission of her scratching, to the point that Monika assumed she had simply been too tired to even remember it. But every now and again, whenever she would zone out on her cot or overthink her feelings towards Sayori and the club, she would be brought back by Sayori. There would be no comments or questions, just a small rub on the back, or a pinky interlocking with hers, little things that helped keep Monika grounded though she wouldn't admit it out loud. She was terrified of letting Sayori know just how much she enjoyed her touch, and so would only offer a simple "Thanks" or a reassuring, "I'm okay, thank you though." Sayori, of course, just seemed happy to be able to help.
Monika glanced at the clock that read 2:55 and frowned. It was almost time for the literature club. Figuring there was no point in staying when she wasn't even playing music, Monika grabbed her bag and forced herself up from the piano and out into the hallway. As she rounded the corner and passed several other students heading to their respective clubs, she decided to give her mind a rest from Natsuki and the club and instead let it wander and relax. I need to do my laundry today, it was bad enough going to Study Buddy tutoring without clean clothes. Wednesday had seen Monika travel to the tutoring office to be formally introduced to the process and establish her schedule, where after an hour of explaining her educational pursuits and specialties she had been told that her first client would be waiting for her Friday.
Definitely can't have my first client wondering why I reek of sweat. Sayori probably needs to do laundry too, maybe we can go after school today? Would that be weird? I mean, it's not romantic in any way. Just two friends washing clothes. That's normal, right? I could fine tune my thesis for Environmental Science while we wait, and we'll just… hang out. Monika shook her head and groaned. If she wasn't thinking about the club and Natsuki, she was thinking about Sayori which could also be just as stressful if she let her head wander too far. She liked to think she had done a good job of not acting on her feelings, and then other times she worried that she stared too much, or daydreamt too much, which in her opinion was just as bad.
Wondering how she managed to baffle herself with her own feelings, Monika slid the door open as she reached the club room with a smile. She was early, but she wouldn't complain about some extra prep time. Maybe today she would finally get to read her tanka, as well as hear everyone else's poems since she had really missed hearing their takes on poetry, despite how bad their last attempt had gone. Instead of her normal empty classroom however, she was greeted by a teacher sitting at the desk with a contemplative expression on her face. Monika frowned and leaned inside the room to peer at the clock. Just how early was she?
"Oh hello! You must be the president of the club, Monika." The woman stood from the desk and bowed her head, revealing just how tall she was. Standing a full two feet above Monika, the woman had dark curly hair that looped down to her neck before frizzing out to the sides. Her face was lightly lined with age and the glint in her hazel eyes reminded Monika of a cat that was staring down a mouse. "I'm Ms. Kusumoto. I normally teach History in class 1-A, but Principal Katagiri was looking for volunteers from the staff to help oversee and assist the clubs. So it looks like I'll be a member of your literature club for a short while, if that's okay with you!"
That's definitely a lie. Monika didn't like the chill of uncertainty that she felt at Ms. Kusumoto's words. She was here to inspect and see if her club was up to code, so why lie about it? Was she hoping to get a more genuine reaction if Monika thought she wasn't judging her every move? Jokes on you, we're already a step ahead of you. Without Natsuki none of them ever really argued and the classroom being left a mess had happened under special circumstances, so unless she and her clubmates started making out on the desks she had the feeling Ms. Kusumoto was going to be severely disappointed by her club's lack of disobedience.
"Of course, welcome to my literature club Ms. Kusumoto!" Monika greeted with a smile and a bow. If this was how she wanted to do things then Monika would oblige; she knew how to play games.
"Oh thank you, I promise not to step on any toes. You'll hardly know I'm here, aside from comments and questions. " Ms. Kusumoto batted her eyelashes at Monika before sitting back down at the teacher's desk. Monika resisted a frown; that was her seat after all, but she could manage sitting at the desks like a normal student if it appeased their new overseer. As she slid into the seat across from the teacher's desk and began to pull out her poem, she was interrupted by a soft "Pardon me," from Ms. Kusumoto who had pulled out a notepad and a pen.
"Since you're here early," She began with a click of the pen, "What does a normal day in the literature club look like for the president?" Monika felt a sour taste in her mouth as she was reminded of Himari's interview, but she pushed it back down.
"Generally we keep things a little open." Monika explained as she smoothed her poem out. "Often we'll come in and read for a while before reciting poetry that we write ourselves. I like to change things up every now and again though, maybe some analysis on different pieces of literature or discussions on whatever books we're reading." Or you could just wait and watch.
Ms. Kusumoto nodded as if she was impressed while writing down her notes. "Oh, so very lenient? No essays or studies, no real work so to say?" Monika wasn't quite sure she liked the phrasing in Ms. Kusumoto's words, but she kept a determined smile and shook her head.
"My clubmates are often quite tired after a day full of quizzes and papers, so I try not to burden them with more schoolwork and instead offer a place where we can learn and grow through appreciation of the literary arts, as opposed to simply studying them." The literature club was supposed to be a lot of things, but another class of tests and lectures was not one of them. Ms. Kusumoto nodded again and continued writing in her notepad. When she looked back up at Monika she met her determined smile with one of her own, with the added effect of being sickeningly sweet before continuing.
"Oh, well you just sound like a very caring president, Monika." She leaned forward over the teacher's desk and crossed her arms, her hazel eyes meeting Monika's own. "So, why don't you tell me about the rest of the club. Do you manage this club by yourself? How many members do you have in-" Her interrogation was interrupted just in time as the sliding door opened to reveal Yuri who seemed to freeze up at the sight of a teacher with a small squeak. She bowed her head in a silent greeting and quietly shimmied into the classroom and towards a desk in the far left corner. Monika didn't blame her.
If her intention had been to deter any interaction with their inspector, it didn't work. Ms. Kusumoto beamed at Yuri, pushing herself from the teacher's desk as she strolled over to the back of the classroom and took a seat right next to Yuri who looked downright terrified at such sudden and personal interaction. Just as she saw Yuri begin to hide behind her hair, Monika felt a small vibration from her pocket and stealthily pulled out her phone to see a notification for a new text message. After making sure Ms. Kusumoto was still distracted, she clicked the text app open.
M. Sayori: you told me to text you when im not doing good. third floor bathroom next to the music room. im sorry.
Monika couldn't help but grimace as she fought back her exasperation. Bad timing, Say. Though she quickly regretted the thought knowing full well that Sayori had no control over when she was overwhelmed or upset, and she had specifically asked her to text whenever it got bad. Annoyed when she tells me, annoyed when she doesn't. You're such a good friend Monika. It was okay, she had a plan. She always had a plan.
"Looks like Sayori strained her bad leg from trying to get up the stairs, I'll be right back, I'm going to go make sure she's okay." Monika explained in a chipper voice as she stood from her desk. Both Yuri and Ms. Kusumoto looked up at her, with the latter giving an understanding nod and the former giving a rather horrified look that quite clearly said, Please don't leave me here. Monika gave Yuri an apologetic smile and after making a silent promise to make it up to her clubmate, strolled out into the hallway. Once the door slid shut behind her and she saw the coast was clear, Monika sped down the hall towards the direction of the music room. Her exasperation quickly melted into concern the closer she got, so much so that she had to skirt around a group of girls who were walking in the same direction as her. Monika paid them no mind, focusing on scanning the corridor for the bathrooms.
The sound of rain beating against the windows was the only sound aside from her breathing and the heavy slapping of her feet against the floor. She passed Class 3-D, Class 3-E, the music room, until finally she came to the third floor bathroom and paused briefly at the sound of sobbing coming from inside. Monika quickly slipped inside the tiled chamber and rounded the corner to see three empty stalls and a pair of uwabaki slippers sitting beneath an occupied one. The weeping had stopped as soon as she stepped inside, and Monika whispered a soft, "Say? It's me." that echoed throughout the room as she took another tentative step forward. A few moments of silence followed before the sharp clicking of a lock being slid back alerted Monika to the occupied stall creaking open, and she quickly stepped over to push the door aside.
"Say?" Monika tried to keep her voice steady, and though she knew she would have to be strong for Sayori's sake, the sight of her friend sitting limply on the toilet with bloodshot eyes glancing up from her palms practically killed her. Without a word she knelt down and wrapped both of her arms around Sayori and held her tightly as the girl burst into tears that soaked Monika's blazer. The familiar smell of cinnamon and vanilla wafted into her nose; the smell of Sayori. Pretenses be damned, Monika was not going to stand there and let Sayori cry. She rubbed her back, whispered soothing words as Sayori choked out unintelligible words through the tears, and slowly rocked back and forth as she held her close. "It's okay, it's going to be okay. I promise it'll be alright, I really really do."
Sayori gasped a few times as another sob wracked her body and she lifted her head up, tears and snot trailing down her face as Monika used the cuff of her blazer to wipe them away, only for more to appear. "I'm stupid, I'm so stupid and I-I can't…" A heavy breath followed by a sniffle. "I can't re-rememeber things I've already learned, and I keep forgetting things I should know! C-calculus, English, I was late for my third period because I couldn't remember my locker combination!" Monika frowned and rubbed her hand through the back of Sayori's hair, carefully parting to avoid the shaved patch where her stitches lay hidden by gauze, while Sayori broke into sobs yet again.
As Monika had discovered when looking up head trauma online so as to help understand Sayori's struggles, there were a plethora of possible side effects that could stem from a traumatic brain injury like she had suffered. Abnormal reactions, mood-swings, blackouts, and of course memory loss were all listed as likely possibilities. As Monika had learned, Sayori had run away before she could begin any proper cognitive behavioral rehabilitation, and the effects were beginning to show.
"It's like… like I'm blind and in the dark, reaching out for words and ideas that I know are within my reach." Sayori whispered. "But I'm just, stumbling and grasping out for them, and I don't know what they are or if they're the right ones, and sometimes I just can't grab them at all. I'm broken, I'm broken and stupid and I was already falling behind in my classes before, and now I'm g-going to flunk and they already think I'm s-stupid and I'd probably be better off dead-" But Monika had heard more than enough by that point. She shushed Sayori, calmly but firmly, until her voice lowered back into sniffles and Monika could speak.
"I'm not going to sit here and say that you're not broken, because that would be discrediting your struggles." Monika told her, and Sayori stifled another sob. "But, just because you're broken right now doesn't mean you'll always be. There's a type of art they use in broken bowls and cups here in Japan, I think it's called 'Kintsugi', or 'Kintsukuroi'. Have you heard of it?" She asked gently. Sayori slowly nodded and took another breath.
"My grandmother taught me about it. I know where you're going with this…" Sayori mumbled.
"Good. Then you know that in kintsugi they use the powdered gold to fill in the cracks and broken pieces to make something new. Something beautiful. Something that's stronger because it was broken." She was trying so hard to stay strong, to stay calm. She had to protect Sayori. "I think you're amazing, you know." I think you're beautiful, I think you're like a star in the void of space that still shines when everything closes in. I think you're soft and warm like a cup of hot chocolate, and I hate it. "And I think there's a better way to free yourself than dying. You can cut off your hair, get a cat, fix up a van and drive out to the countryside. You can kill off this version of you without dying, however you choose to do it, because I know you don't want to die. But, you're allowed to be a bit broken. You have to… you have to give yourself time to heal."
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Monika continued rubbing Sayori's back, letting her cry when need be, or mutter out an apology that she would always answer with, "You don't need to apologize, but I forgive you anyway." When Sayori was ready to speak again she had managed to stifle most of her tears, though when she raised her head Monika saw several still welling up in the corners of her eyes.
"I'm…" Sayori seemed to struggle to find the words, and Monika patiently waited. "I hate crying. It makes my headaches worse, and I've been doing it a lot. I'm sorry you had to come here just for me, I want to stop being such a burden, and I'm worried I'm just getting worse instead of better. But ever since I came back from the hospital I've thought that-" Her voice was suddenly cut off as the sound of approaching steps reached their ears, and her eyes widened in fear. Monika initially dismissed it as Yuri coming to check on them, but realized her mistake as the sound of steps grew more clear. It wasn't just one pair, it was several.
In a flash of panic Monika shut the door behind her and slid the lock into place, only to realize how suspicious it would look for two students to be in a locked stall together. But the footsteps were right outside, and it was too late to unlock and try and enter another stall. If she didn't think of something, whoever entered would get suspicious and try to discover their identities. Someone like Sayori, who already had rumors of her sexuality circulating, couldn't afford that kind of embarrassment to be added to her misery. The look on Sayori's face told her she shared the same fear.
In a mad scramble, Monika lifted both of her legs and pushed her feet against the wall to their right, forcing her back against the stall to keep her above the ground. Almost immediately she regretted her course of action, as her thigh and her back began to ache with the mounting pressure of supporting her weight, but the sound of hushed conversation mingled with the approaching steps as several girls entered the bathroom. Monika and Sayori swapped nervous glances as the footsteps grew closer, and the sound of running water filled the room.
"... doesn't want us to. Isn't that why Kenji backed out?" The first voice asked. Another girl snorted and hit the soap dispenser while the others moved to their respective sinks.
"No, Kenji backed out because Kenji's a giant pussy who's too scared to fight back." The second girl retorted. Monika recognized the voice, but she couldn't put a name to it if she tried. "If he actually liked her like he says, he would have agreed to help instead of trying to lecture us. The reason she tried to convince us not to was because she's looking out for us, Tomoe, like she always does. Now it's our turn to look out for her. I know for a fact that little shit is on thin ice, I overheard Mr. Sakurai chewing her out and telling her she's one fight away from being expelled while I was finishing up my project after school. One fight, and she's out of our hair for good."
The first girl, Tomoe, groaned. "Yeah, and then we'll be in trouble, dumbass!" One of the other girls who had yet to speak mumbled what sounded like an agreement, but the second girl wasn't having it.
"Oh my god, will you fucking listen? I've thought this out. Ayano's going to stay off to the side and record the whole thing, all we have to do is get footage of her throwing a few swings in on us, and we're in the clear. She'll get blamed for the whole thing, it's not like it'd be the first time she tried to fight a couple people at once." The other girls still sounded unsure, with uneasy hums and the shuffling of feet filling the empty space. Monika could feel the second girl's resentment as her voice grew dangerously low and seemed to take a step towards one of the other girls.
"Don't you want this shit to stop?" She hissed. "She's smashed my jaw, busted Himari's glasses, and we all know what happened with Sachiko and the ketchup packets." A chorus of disapproving mumbles rang out just as Monika began to feel her legs go numb. "I don't know about you, but I'm willing to stomach a black eye or a bruise for Himari's sake, Kisaragi's fucking done and I'm going to make sure of it. For me, for you guys, and especially for Himari. Look, I know for a fact she walks home, all we have to do is catch her and pull her ass over to the woods where nobody will see. We can shove mud down her fucking underwear and kick her teeth in afterwards for all I care, so long as we get the picture." The room went quiet as everyone seemed to dwell on the girl's words, but Monika's thoughts were distracted by the ache in her legs. Her slippers were already sliding down the wall, and any second now she was going to bust her rear end on the freezing tiled floor.
The sound of the toilet flushing caught her attention, and everyone else's as well. Hurried whispers of, "Bolt!" and, "Shit, go go go!" rang out as they rushed out of the bathroom and Monika stumbled to the ground with a strained groan. Once the girls had left and Monika regained feeling in her legs, she glanced up at Sayori to see that her friend was staring at her with wide eyes that were brimming with leftover tears and newfound fear. Monika nodded and unlocked the door to peek outside, signaling that the coast was clear and reaching over to help Sayori up from the toilet. For a moment they looked at each other until finally Sayori broke the silence.
"Monika, Monika they're going to-"
"I know." Monika answered. She dusted her skirt off, and when she looked back up to meet Sayori's eyes she saw that the hopelessness and anguish she had been buried under was no longer present, instead giving way to concern. They were going after Natsuki, and if they were telling the truth then they planned on making sure it would be for good. They were going to hurt her, and this time they would hurt her in a way that Monika and the others couldn't rescue her from, a hurt that would extend into her very homelife. Monika felt fury course through her very blood as she replayed their words in her head over and over again, and she knew it was time.
It was time for the wolf to begin her hunt.
AN: Some of you might notice the story's cover picture was updated. This is actually a piece of fanart done by the talented Minzzway on twitter! I can't exactly post a link, but if you'd like to see the full picture you can find it on their twitter page under the title of "[Comfort]". I've been a massive fan of their work for a while and their art helped inspire this story, so it's a great honor to have someone so talented draw a scene from my fic! Please give them a look, their art is outstanding and they're genuinely awesome.