Chapter 13: Reconnection
A chapter in which sometimes the best exchanges are in bathrooms and behind bistros.
She was so cold, everything was dark, her very skin was numb and nothing seemed physical or real, nothing except the cold.
"Otpusti yeye!" She knew the cold, and she knew noises. There were too many to count, and none of them were hers anyways so it didn't matter. Whoever the noises belonged to, they were not her problem. The thwack that was followed by several cries were distant and far away, but they were there. Maybe if she ignored them, they would go away and leave her to the cold.
"Holy shit! Holy fucking- woah, woah! Put that down!"
"Derzhis' podal'she! Don't come any closer, alright? Natsuki, grab her. Get up and grab her, now!" They spoke such funny words, made such funny noises. Maybe someday she could ask what they all meant.
"I-I'm trying, she's heavy as s-shit. Fuck, dude you completely wrecked it, how am I supposed to-" She was sitting at the base of a mountain range, a field of green spread out before her and a sky as blue as any ocean sat above her dotted with wispy clouds. Such a crisp cool air that blew through her hair, it was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.
"Zamolchi! Shush! I'll pick her up, if one of them comes this way then you use the- I said stay away! We're leaving!" Below her was a checkered blanket that she sat side-saddle upon. There were smells too, strawberry and cinnamon, pine and harvest, all of them mixing together into something that she couldn't quite name. It was peaceful. There was a soft niggling in the back of her head that told her she was being jostled, but it quickly faded like a fleeting memory into the recesses of her mind as comfort took its place.
She could hear playful yelling and banter echoing from her right, and when she turned she saw two figures running down the side of the hill with a kite in tow; they reminded her of children who had yet to be burdened by the crushing weight of responsibility and reality. Her head was against something warm, and something equally warm coursed through her hair like soothing snakes sent from the sun, but when she looked around she could see nothing that would touch her. If it was anything, she assumed it was simply the warmth of the sun shining against her. She could lay here, on this blanket, and lounge in the sun without trouble. She wanted to in fact, but a part of her knew opportunities like this were rare, and to waste it by sleeping would be something she would surely regret later.
"God, she's bleeding from her nose, her head, and she's got a cut on her cheek. What… oh, oh shoot. Her hand is bleeding really bad! It's already on the seats, what did they do to her-" She turned to the figure who had asked her a question, sitting on the blanket opposite of her with a plate in their hand and a fork in the other. She hadn't heard the question, and leaned forward with a smile as a sign that she was listening. She wanted to see their eyes, not the puppet's eyes, she needed to see the real ones, to reassure herself that the feelings behind them were true. But the sun shone into her own and blocked her view which elicited a small giggle from her. They had chosen such a silly spot.
"They didn't do much of anything, someone else did. Keep her head up or else she might choke on the blood, let me know immediately if there's any clear fluid, and just keep pressure on that hand until I can pull over." The figure across from her took her hand for a moment and squeezed it, and she knew she didn't want to be anywhere else in that moment. There was pain, but it was too far away and disconnected from her thoughts, a memory of pain and nothing else. Her dress, a beautiful silk A-line complimented by a choker to match, flapped lightly in the wind as the figure held the fork out for her.
"Shh, it's okay. It's okay, I'm here. J-just hold on Monika, we're going to get you some help, okay? You're going to be okay, I know it hurts, I know."
She'd indulge them of course, she always had a hard time saying no to them. Her love, her equal, was there anything she wouldn't do for them? The sunlight simmered down and she could finally see her partner holding the strawberry cake that had been drizzled in chocolate, made just for them, just for this occasion. But something was wrong, was it a coincidence that their eyes were that shade of blue? Their laugh was too light and airy, their smile filled with more warmth than any sunbeam could ever bestow. This was not her love, and yet she still felt love for this person, and she leaned forward past the fork and gently placed her lips upon theirs. Bliss and contentment mixed into one, and in that moment she could not tell what was stronger. She felt dirty for enjoying their lips, for basking in the warmth of their hand as it cupped her cheek, for drowning in the rich scent of vanilla as she succumbed to their touch. This was not her love, so why did she enjoy their kiss so much?
She was given no answer, instead she faded into the darkness as everything slipped away, and the last thing she saw was that beaming smile.
Monika didn't remember exactly what she had been dreaming about, but she knew it had been a good one for the most part. There had been mountains that reminded her of the Swiss Alps, clear blue skies that seemed to go on for eternity and then some. She couldn't remember the details, but she had felt very lovely and so free, so beautiful. Right now, Monika did not feel very beautiful at all. Her mouth was as dry as the Mojave and the only thing she could taste was the foul bitterness of blood, not to mention almost every part of her body felt sore and swollen to some degree.
As the pleasantness of her dream was replaced with the bite of reality, she had to admit that despite her aches and pains she was at least somewhere comfortable. The cots in the shelter had never been quite so soft, nor the blankets quite as thick as what she was in now. The pillows beneath her head made her want to keep her eyes closed and drift back off into sleep, to perhaps recapture what her dream had been about. Their softness was rivaled only by the comforting weight of what she suspected was a cat that had also fallen asleep atop of her. But something told her it was important that she awoke and arose, something in the back of her head like an alarm bell but she couldn't quite figure out what was wrong.
Monika's eyes slowly creaked open to the blurry image of a stipple ceiling above her, and she blinked away the remaining sleep from her eyes as the colors of brown and magenta became more and more sharp. This was definitely not the shelter, but the pleasantly soft cushion beneath her could have told her that much. Her eyes flicked down towards the rest of her body, she was surprised to see that the breathing lump on her chest was no animal, but in fact a resting Sayori using her arms as pillows against Monika's chest. Though she was faced away from her, Monika recognized that messy hair and surgery scar from anywhere, kneeling peacefully beside her on the floor for a reason Monika couldn't even guess at. All thoughts of rising or moving at all left Monika's mind, she didn't know if Sayori was asleep but there wasn't a chance she was going to risk waking her and having her stand up.
For a few peaceful moments she laid there, eyes once again closed as she enjoyed the warmth of another human being against her, of Sayori's breathing matching her own as she pretended to continue sleeping. She didn't even bother trying to remember the dream, or where she was, she just wanted to enjoy whatever this was while she could. All too soon did she find it ending as Sayori carefully rose from her position, and Monika heard the girl give out a small yawn before grabbing something metallic off of the floor, likely her crutches.
"I think I'm going to take a shower, if that's alright." Sayori whispered from above her, before the sound of shuffling and a door sliding open and close told Monika that her friend had left. A bolt of panic shot through her; had she known she was awake? A moment after the door closed, Monika opened her eyes again and quickly looked around the room. She was on a velvet divan, in a room of rich mahogany paneling whilst buried beneath a thick comforter, and she could smell the faint scent of lilac still lingering in the air as she raised her head up off of the pillows and felt a headache coming on. A violet kotatsu with an open med-kit on its surface it sat next to her, several of the contents still scattered on the table. She had been here before, the room was far too familiar and it wasn't until she glanced back at the door that she noticed it was made of wood and paper, and she had a feeling she knew exactly where she was.
"It's nice to see you awake, I saw your eyes flutter but when you didn't get up I thought I might've been mistaken." A voice from the other side of the room made Monika jump, though she regretted it as every bone in her body seemed to ache at her sudden twitch. Yuri had changed from her uniform to a lime-green long-sleeve and long navy skirt, sitting in a leather desk chair in the corner of the room beside her television with a book in her hands, though she gently shut it and laid it in her lap as Monika looked over to her. The first thing Monika noticed was the exhausted look in her eyes, the second thing was the anxious look on her face, as if a question sat on her lips that she wasn't quite sure how to ask. Monika jolted as she remembered running into the rain, tailing Natsuki, getting caught and being beaten into a pulp. The pain in her chest and her head made sense now, and Monika looked away in shame.
Neither of them said anything for a moment, until finally Monika found the courage to ask one question that burned in her mind. "What… happened?" There were plenty of questions she had, but she wasn't quite sure how to list them all out and opted for a more widespread approach. Yuri sighed and stood from her chair, placing her book on a writing desk and walking over to where Monika lay.
"You, well…" Yuri began, seeming unsure of how to answer at first. Finally she said, "We thought you were beaten pretty badly, Monika. Multiple contusions- er, bruises, along your cheeks and jaw, and a gash behind your temple that was bleeding down your neck when we found you. There um, there were also scratches along the side of your neck but they looked older and… well, they weren't bleeding." With a deep breath she sat down beside the divan with her back against the kotatsu and spoke again, her hand absently scratching along her sleeve. "I thought your nose was broken with how much it was bleeding, but thankfully you walked away with no injuries beyond bruises and cuts, well, aside from your hand that is." At her words, Monika tentatively raised her hand up and took a look at it. It all came back to her like a slap in the face, she remembered the gut-wrenching feeling of Natsuki putting all of her weight onto the wound, of lying in the mud and feeling herself drifting away while Natsuki was beaten senselessly next to her. Of being ready to lay down and die.
"We went to see Principal Katagiri, as you asked." Yuri explained as she motioned for Monika to set her hand forth to inspect it. "Unfortunately, he had already left for the day and he'll be in Tokyo until next week for a conference of some sort. All we were able to do was schedule a meeting with him on Monday. As we were leaving, Sayori begged for me to try and follow you, since you might need a ride whenever you had, erm, finished. I… well, I gave in as I so often do and we drove carefully down the road in hopes of finding you and… Natsuki." There was a bitter taste evident in Yuri's tone as she spoke Natsuki's name, but Monika had something else on her mind as she listened to Yuri's tale.
"You managed to find out where we were? We were… in a clearing, right?" Her memory of the event was still coming back to her in waves, and she was still connecting the pieces herself. "We had to have been a good fifty feet into the trees. How did you…?" The road was visible from the clearing, Monika remembered that much, but she didn't remember it being so visible from the roadside due to the density of the trees.
Yuri took on a look that was almost akin to shame, ducking her head like a dog being reprimanded as her eyes flicked between the floor and Monika. "Y-yes, you were indeed in a clearing. Had it not been for the discarded skateboard on the sidewalk, I likely would've continued to drive past your predicament completely unaware." Yuri seemed satisfied with her hand and began to inspect other injured spots almost absentmindedly, reapplying and checking bandages Monika hadn't even been aware of while she spoke. "You had mentioned something about Natsuki skating the other day, so I took a guess and pulled over onto the sidewalk. At first I sat there, silently panicking and freezing up as I always do. I froze during the festival, I froze when you and Sayori went over the bridge. I even froze when you left the library, despite how upset I was that I had let you go and face this trial alone, despite promising to do our best to take care of our club together, I had failed in keeping my end of the bargain again."
Yuri sighed and leaned back against the kotatsu again, turning to grab an ointment from the med-kit that she spread over a cut on Monika's cheek. It stung, but Monika bit back a wince. "I was… scared, I believe." Yuri murmured. "Scared of confrontation, of coming too late, scared of everything when it matters. It was only when I heard Natsuki screaming her lungs out at you that I found some kind of courage. Perhaps I realized things were becoming intense, or perhaps I knew I could no longer stand by… I grabbed the board, and when I followed the noises into the clearing I saw you in the mud b-bleeding, and that girl beating Natsuki into the ground." Yuri took a sharp breath, and sensing that she needed a minute, Monika took the time to stare into her lap.
She could remember it, Natsuki with her knees in the mud pounding Monika's face with her fist relentlessly. Fuck your perfect teeth! Fuck your perfect boobs! Fuck your perfect life! So that was how Natsuki saw her. A walking superiority complex whose life was just so perfect that she needed to interfere with others just for her own entertainment. She really didn't know about what Monika had been going through outside of school, and why would she? Monika had done everything in her power to keep it hidden. The Monika from before the game, the Monika that Natsuki had known up until a little under a month ago, had Natsuki thought that way about her too? Or was this from her own recent actions? She screwed her eyes shut and shook her head gently, thinking too hard about things made her headache flare up even worse.
"I heard a voice before I passed out, I think. There were a couple voices, actually. I didn't understand what it said, but was… was that you?" Monika asked as she thought back to the peculiar words she almost thought she had dreamed up. Otpusti yeye! Yuri nodded, a ghost of a smile spreading across her face as she finished checking Monika's wounds. There was something off about the smile though, something that made Monika almost think Yuri was nervous. But Yuri was usually nervous when it came to social interaction, so perhaps it was merely her imagination.
"It was. I uh, sometimes I slip back into my native tongue when I'm stressed, because I can think of the words there faster than I can for Japanese." At Monika's quizzical look she explained, "It was Russian, did I not mention to you that my father is from Tomsk originally? That's why I greet with Ya doma and Tadaima whenever I come home, Ya doma for my father and Tadaima for my mother. Although, I suppose it makes sense with how little I actually speak of myself that it might be a surprise." Monika could only stare in mild disbelief that such a key point of information about her friend had completely passed her by. Their conversation had been meant to answer questions, but if Monika was being frank she had more questions now than before. Too many to keep track left her feeling dizzy.
Yuri glanced at Monika as she stood back up, but her gaze quickly drifted back to the floor. "Did you, er… see anything?" Monika screwed her face up as she tried to think back to the fight. Everything had been very blurry, and she couldn't even remember any shapes, just mismatched colors and bits of her dream. Monika shook her head, letting out a yawn as she stretched her fingers. Why did she want to know?
Yuri seemed to notice she was getting off topic as she said, "A-apologies, we can discuss such things later. T-the point is, I saw what she was doing to Natsuki and assumedly had done to you, and I am quite ashamed to say I… I snapped. I slammed that board right over her head, Monika. Everything seemed to spiral from there, the board snapped in half, Kanako dropped, and the other girls panicked, likely thinking I killed their friend. Had she been hit with the wheels as opposed to the board itself, she very well might have been." She gave a dry laugh and snapped for emphasis, shaking her head hopelessly. "I yelled at Natsuki to get you into the car, I didn't know what the other girls were going to do, so I had Natsuki holding onto her broken skateboard like a club, it was… honestly a mess. B-but I got you back to my house, and um… well, I'm glad you're okay." Mess didn't begin to describe the series of events that had transpired, despite the fact nobody's life had been on the line, Monika felt that similar feeling of dread that she experienced when Sayori had been in the hospital. A hopeless, dreadful feeling that told her she had made things worse.
"What about Nat-" Monika was interrupted by a series of coughs that shook her body, and gratefully accepted the bottle of water that Yuri retrieved from the med-kit. "What about Natsuki? Is she here, or… we didn't leave her behind did we?" Before Yuri could tell her whether everything had been for nothing, the sliding door opened to reveal Sayori still in her school uniform with an uncomfortable look on her face that quickly changed to surprise as she saw Monika awake. There was no loud gasp, nor an overwhelming cheer as their eyes met, just a tense silence as they stared at one another. Her mouth went dry and she suddenly found herself unable to speak, though whether it was from embarrassment or shame, she couldn't tell. Was Sayori mad at her for leaving them behind?
But Sayori's surprise faded into a tired smile that was not unlike Yuri's, and relief filled her eyes as Monika smiled sheepishly back and gave a tiny wave. "Monika, you're awake! Oh God, we were really worried about you, you big dummy!" The way Sayori's fingers clenched and unclenched as she spoke, Monika could tell she was resisting the urge to walk over and give her a hug, something that Monika felt she could really use at that point. It seemed silly now, to look back at what had been a simple fist fight and think that she might have to die when she had so readily jumped off of a bridge to rescue Sayori. But when she was laying in the mud, struggling to breathe and see with Natsuki smashing her face into the ground, it had been a real possibility in her mind. Dazed and confused, she had considered that she might never leave the clearing, and had been so ready. Now, the thought of never seeing her friends ever again terrified her.
Something welled up within Monika, and she felt her throat closing up as a sniffle escaped her. Yuri and Sayori both looked at Monika with concern plain on their faces as she weakly wiped a tear away, forcing herself not to shed anymore. She didn't want to cry, not here and not now where they could so clearly see her, but holding it in didn't seem likely when she realized just how deeply she cared for them all. The sudden warmth of Sayori's arms and the careful grip of Yuri's wrapping around her caught her off guard however, and within moments she found herself pulling them both closer while her tears softly cascaded down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, for leaving you both…" Monika whispered. "I'm really dumb, and I keep trying really hard to keep us all together…" Because I know what it's like without all of you. "You guys are all I have, and you two came for me, even though I messed it up you guys… you guys didn't leave me behind when that's what I did to you." The fact that half of her body hurt with every movement didn't even matter in the moment, the feeling of Yuri's hand softly patting her back while Sayori gently rocked back and forth in their embrace was comforting enough that she hardly acknowledged it. She didn't deserve their care, their love, it was ill-spent on someone who was guilty of so much wrong whether they knew of it or not, but she would accept their care and the feelings of warmth and progress it bestowed. "Thank you, both of you, so freaking much."
"Always, Monika." Yuri promised.
"Eheh, I'm glad you're alright, goober." Sayori teased, and Monika let out a small chuckle. The three of them parted with relief and hope dancing in each their eyes, until Sayori glanced away from the group. Her cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment as she rubbed the back of her head and glanced between Monika and Yuri. "Uh, this is really unrelated… I was going to take a shower, but it's a little hard because of the cast, and asking for help with the both of you here just feels… a little awkward. Also I forgot my clothes." She let out an anxious giggle that melted Monika's beating heart, and Yuri spoke up as she stood from the floor.
"Ah, my apologies Sayori, I didn't even consider that. Erm, Monika, you're still rather dirty as I'm afraid I wasn't able to clean all of the blood and grime, would you like to bathe as well? Are you fit to move? If not, I can assist Sayori instead and we can just get you a change of clothes." Yuri turned to Monika, whose heart rate seemed to have skyrocketed. Were they suggesting she bathe with Sayori? She knew that bathing customs were quite lax in Japanese society, but she didn't quite know the extent enough to know what was expected. Would she be completely naked, or would she just be helping Sayori? Or perhaps she was misunderstanding, perhaps there was more than one room designated for bathing, and she was letting unwanted carnality fog her thoughts. It was a big house after all.
Monika nodded, and gently sat up off the divan before throwing her legs over the side. The feeling of a plush carpet crept between her toes and she sighed aloud as she experienced the aches and pains that came with the aftermath of a fistfight. She realized that Yuri hadn't lied about her disheveled look. She was filthy, and not wanting to dirty her friend's furniture anymore said, "Yeah, I need one too, so don't worry. Just uh, give me a minute okay? I need to make sure my bandages are tight enough so I don't bleed all over the bathroom, aha." Why did she have to be so awkward? Sayori however nodded in understanding, hobbling over to grab her duffel bag off of Yuri's bed before leaving the room once again while Monika watched her leave with a dumb smile on her face. Even if there was only one bathroom, Yuri had likely meant for her to help Sayori get situated, leave, and then shower afterwards. Why hadn't that been her first assumption?
A soft hum from Yuri interrupted her thoughts, "Mmm, I have always wondered how it looks from the other side." Monika turned and glanced at her questioningly, raising an eyebrow as she stretched her good arm out. Yuri was looking down at Monika with a look in her eyes that was surprisingly uncharacteristic of her, it was as if she held a certain confidence in her gaze. Monika would have dared to even call it smug.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"Monika," Yuri began, "I admire many, many of the qualities you show as a person. I respect your leadership, I admire your persistence to do the right thing at your own expense, and I find myself envious of your outgoing charm. So I apologize if this is erm, blunt? Perhaps." There was a pause as Yuri gave her a sad, knowing smile. "But, you are not nearly as subtle as you would like to be." Monika remained confused for a moment, but then her eyes widened. Her mouth gaped open but no words would come out, and her hand instinctively began to drum against her arm. She knows. She knows she knows she knows she knows. How had they arrived here of all places? Hadn't they been all sappy and heartfelt? Was she still dreaming?
Monika shook her head and gave a laugh that was not nearly as convincing as she wanted it to be. "Oh, I know what you're getting at. Very funny, Yuri." But Yuri was not laughing. Yuri's gaze turned to steel as she crossed her fingers and leaned forward, a look of utter concentration on her face that Monika only ever saw when she was engrossed in a book, or digging through a medkit.
"Your heart thumps out of your chest whenever you talk to her, and you hang on to every word." Yuri stated clearly as if reciting a list of medical symptoms. "You start looking at all the little ways you slip up or make mistakes, all of your physical and psychological flaws and wonder if she knows about them. The rare moments when your skin brushes against hers, you're ecstatic because you feel as though a bolt of lightning has struck you, and everytime she smiles it turns your heart into a bonfire, every time you hear her laugh you're lifted off of the ground. Talking used to be so easy, but now you struggle and trip over the words, because she deserves only the best vocabulary."
Monika could only stare dumbfounded as Yuri continued. "You feel the need to protect her, if not physically than emotionally. And yet, you cannot help but feel safe and at ease whenever she is near. You watch her leave with a hopeful but sullen feeling, as if you cannot wait to see her again and also worry that you might not at the same time. Am I, or am I not correct?" Monika tried to say something, but no sound would come out as she opened and closed her lips repeatedly. Yuri wasn't just accurate, she had managed to hit every note that Monika herself couldn't quite pin down. She did feel safe when Sayori was around, and she would have charged headfirst into another fistfight if it meant keeping her from harm. Just what kind of crush was this?
"How do you- I mean, d-does she-" Monika stumbled over her own words as she tried to fight her growing embarrassment, but Yuri shook her head.
"It's easier to recognize when you see it on your own face, in the mirror, in your head for days at a time. This might be hard to believe, but I was once rather soft on someone." Yuri smiled fondly as if a memory was replaying before her very eyes, but it was quickly replaced by a bitter frown. "But that was, well, i-it was before we met. Perhaps one day I will be comfortable telling such a tale, but not now. To answer your question however, I do not believe Sayori is aware of your feelings. I often prefer to observe over speaking, and simply caught you with a rather endearing smile on your face too many times to write it off as mere coincidence." Monika couldn't help but feel a mixture of curiosity and surprise at Yuri's divulgence, but she would respect her friend's privacy. She was just as impressed that Yuri of all people could admit something so personal, with hardly a stammer or a stutter to accompany it.
Monika stretched again and raised herself off of the divan, biting her tongue at the wave of soreness and pain that washed over her. "You know, you're… different, Yuri. Ever since the festival, you've been a bit more open with the club, a bit more assured, I mean I never would have expected you to speak so openly." She suppressed a laugh at how for once Yuri had left Monika stumbling over her words as opposed to the other way around, and looked around for her own school bag which she found beside the kotatsu before grabbing it with a wince. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty proud of you, to be honest. Oh uh, and also please keep this a secret?"
Yuri gave a soft smile, scratching at her sleeve almost absentmindedly as she returned to her chair and picked up her book. "Thank you, and naturally I wouldn't tell a soul, Monika. I think I've grown close enough to you all that speaking to you is a bit easier than um, well, say a stranger or another student. I wish I was as outgoing or confident as you or Sayori, but I'm still… just me. I believe that day did something to us, to all of us. I don't think any of us came out of that festival quite the same way we went in." Yuri stared into her book, but Monika wasn't so sure she was actually reading it. "A-apologies, I've kept you for far too long. Oh! Um, I hope it was okay but I had to restitch your hand, the stitches came undone and I er, had to pull over so I could tend to them. It should be quite safe to shower, but try to keep it dry if you can. Uncomfortable as it might be, cold water will also help reduce your fatigue and prevent inflammation!"
Monika smiled her thanks to Yuri and with her bag in tow, slipped out into the hallway with a small sigh escaping her lips as she glanced at her bandaged hand. She thought she would have been more concerned with someone realizing her feelings for Sayori, but if anything she felt relieved to finally get the fact off of her chest, so much so that it made her grin. Yuri may have come off as condescending to some, but she couldn't picture the girl making fun of her for her crush. As someone who struggled with being understood, Yuri of all people would likely know how it felt to be self-conscious of something embarrassing. She hadn't brushed Monika's feelings towards Sayori aside or questioned them, and something about that made them feel more valid to Monika, more real. Images of cuddling beside Sayori or holding her hand while they walked down the sidewalk popped into Monika's head, and almost felt disappointed when she forced herself to dismiss them. She wasn't allowed to think those things.
Her smile faded as she approached the shoji sliding door and the warmth she felt turned to cold apprehension. Her mind began to race a mile a minute the longer she stood there, but she couldn't bring herself to knock in fear of seeming hesitant. Yuri just had to call her out right before she went off to bathe next to Sayori. Gritting her teeth, Monika slid the door to the bathroom open, feeling the tatami mats transition into cool polished floor tiles beneath her feet and closed the door shut behind her. The bathroom was just as she remembered it, with peeled strips of wood paneling that encompassed the room housing two shower stations on each side and a decently sized bath that sat beneath a closed paper window. Leaning awkwardly to the side with a towel wrapped around her and her crutches against the wall was Sayori, facing away from Monika as she rubbed her eyes and let out a shuddering breath.
Monika frowned and took another hesitant step inside. She gave a small cough to announce her presence, and Sayori seemed to rub at her eyes a bit harder before turning around and giving Monika a friendly but half-hearted wave. "Oh, hey Moni. I was just, uh… well, I guess it's pretty obvious what I was doing, huh?" She sighed and rubbed a hand through her hair, her spare hand gripping the sink for balance as she let out a final sniffle. "I'm sorry, I thought I could get it all out before you got here to be honest." Monika set her clothes on a small end-table in the corner and tried to give her friend a sympathetic smile.
"You never have to apologize about that, especially not with me." Monika assured. She wasn't quite sure what to do at this point. Did she remain clothed? What exactly did she need to do to help Sayori? Don't think about bathing together. That's weird, you're weird for thinking it. Don't even look at her, she's clearly been crying, focus on that instead of how defined yet delicate her collarbone you lecher. She managed to swallow her pride and finally ask, "Um, I've never really bathed before. I mean- I've bathed, I've just never bathed with other people around, I'm not sure uh… what to do. Or how to help." She knew she sounded silly, but she would gladly take Sayori looking at her funny over panicking if Monika did something she wasn't supposed to do. Sayori didn't give her a funny look, though she did chuckle and stare down at one of the wooden stools at her feet.
"You're okay. I, um, I mostly just need help leveraging myself down and standing back up. Wish I had a waterproof cast for this stuff." Sayori looked back up to Monika, though her eyes widened a moment later and she quickly turned herself back around. "Oh shoot, sorry! If you've never been to a sento bath before then I guess changing in front of someone is a little awkward, huh? I won't peek, there's towels behind you on the counter." Monika didn't think Sayori would sneak a peek, but at the same time pulling her skirt and underclothes off when someone was only mere feet away made her body shiver. After covering herself with a towel, folding her mudstained clothes, and setting them off to the side, Monika approached Sayori again and signaled she was ready to help her down.
Sayori took a deep breath and wrapped an arm around Monika's neck, and the two slowly descended as Monika carefully bent her knees down. Sayori took a sharp breath, clenching her eyes shut and gripping Monika's shoulder until finally she was situated on the stool, her injured leg stuck out to the side, and let out a breath of relief.
"Oof, thanks Moni." Sayori said. "It's a lot easier at the shelter where there's showering stalls, I can usually just lean against the stall and shower with my leg sticking out so it doesn't get wet but no such luck here, ehehe. Otherwise I'd rinse off and get in the bath instead! This place is so big… it almost reminds me of the onsens and sentos I would go to with my parents. I kinda miss that." Sayori stared off for a moment while Monika smiled and grabbed the shower head, along with some of the shampoos that sat in a row on the counter, figuring Yuri had left them out knowing her friends would be taking showers as well.
"Hot, warm, or cold?"
"Really warm please, it's kinda chilly."
For a moment the two were silent as Monika flipped on the water and took a seat behind Sayori on a stool of her own, bringing her head back so that the water wouldn't drip down into the towel. Sayori kept her eyes closed, smiling in a way that reminded Monika of a dog with its ears drawn back as she aimed the water across Sayori's scalp. The awkward tension of being nearly nude slowly faded away as Monika took a glob of shampoo and began to rub it through Sayori's hair, making sure to keep it well away from her eyes and surgery scar.
Finally, Monika decided to break the silence and ask, "Hey, do you want to talk about what was happening before I walked in? You don't have to, I just worry about you, and I want you to know I'm here for you as a friend, and as an outlet." Sayori didn't immediately respond, but her smile quickly faded as she took in Monika's words and breathed through her nose. Monika hated taking away something as beautiful as Sayori's smile, but her desire to make sure her friend was okay shone brighter.
"I'm sorry. I was hoping I could just cry it out real quick and nobody would know, you know?" Sayori asked. "I feel like I'm crying too much. I mean you already had to come and check on me in the bathroom at school, so it's like 'Twice in one day? Get a grip already!', am I right?" She let out a dry chuckle that Monika didn't share, instead continuing to wash her hair. "I'm… I'm not doing good, I think. I think a part of me thought if I got away from my parents I could start to make things better. Not have to worry about being a burden to them, and surviving on my own. But here I am, still burdening people." She sighed aloud, letting her hand fall limply to the polished tiled beneath them.
"I didn't help at all today. I'm supposed to be the vice-president, but I didn't come up with any ideas, or even try to leave to find Natsuki. I could have told her my leg was acting up and needed to grab some painkillers from my locker, or something. Instead I just… got in the way." A sniffle escaped her lips, and Monika raised her back up as she finished washing the shampoo out of her hair, a concerned frown on her lips. "You had to carry me down the steps because of my leg, and you guys couldn't go very fast because I kept dragging you behind, we might've caught her in time if you didn't have to waste so much time on me… and then you had to go out alone, and got hurt really bad because we weren't there with you." Monika had stopped washing by then, instead she sat motionless behind Sayori who had buried her head into her palms. "I even brought Ms. Kusumoto here, and we both know all the good that's done for us.
Monika lowered her eyes. "What happened today wasn't your fault. I wasn't going to leave you behind, carrying and waiting for you were my choices to make. I know it's easy to pin the blame on yourself but, we wouldn't have even known what was going to happen if it wasn't for you." That wasn't comforting, since Sayori being in the bathroom had been a stroke of luck out of her control, and also a result of her depression. Monika tried to think of something to cheer Sayori up but each thought fell flat, and instead decided to change the subject. "What was bothering you in class today? I know it had something to do with her, I could tell by your look. Did you have a bad experience with her before?" It hadn't just been Sayori, even Yuri had seemed highly put off by whatever Ms. Kusumoto had said while Monika had gone out.
"No, not really. She's uh, she's a family friend." Sayori winced as Monika gently dabbed a bit of soap near her surgery scar and began to clean the area around it. "She grew up here with my mom, went to the same school we do and everything. She's a nice lady, really! It's just uh, well, she never really believed that I had depression when I was younger. She told my mom I was probably just doing it for attention or that I was upset because I couldn't get a boy to notice me or something." She let out a small chuckle and wiped at her eyes, meanwhile Monika had to resist the urge not to clench her fingers while they were busy cleaning near such a delicate area.
"Do you think she's purposefully spying on you then? Like on behalf of your parents?" Monika asked while sliding the soap over Sayori's shoulders. She wasn't sure how much more she could do without getting the towel wet, but at the same time she liked rubbing along Sayori's skin. It gave her hope that she could still help comfort her even though she wasn't saying much. "She did say that she volunteered, but she also told me it was to 'assist and supervise' the club, as opposed to chaperone it." Sayori buried her head deeper into her palms and gripped at her hair, pulling at loose strands between her fingers.
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know where I belong, whether I should go home or stay on the run, it's like no matter where I go I end up being a problem for someone!" A sob escaped her lips, and her grip became stronger as her body started to shake. "This is why I went to the bridge in the first place, because it was the only way I could think of that would fix everything. But I guess, even that would've burdened you guys with how you could've done better, or said more to me… God, I can't even die right." Sayori broke down harder, her cries echoing throughout the bathroom as Monika watched from behind her. If seeing Sayori weep made her feel like someone was curb stomping her heart, she could only imagine the actual anguish her best friend was going through.
She knew the pain of questioning her own existence so heavily, and she couldn't think of a single thing that would magically make Sayori feel better: because there wasn't one. She could be positive, to tell Sayori why there were so many reasons to value her life and how things would get better, but that made Monika almost feel like she was denouncing Sayori's feelings. She couldn't tell Sayori there wasn't a reason to be sad, not when there was a mental illness that she was in a constant struggle with, and so Monika knew positivity was not the answer. Instead, she slipped both of her hands in between Sayori's and gently pried them from her hair, pulling Sayori back until she leaned against Monika without having to support herself. As she cradled Sayori's sobbing form in her arms, she didn't think about how intimate they looked, all she cared was that Sayori knew that she was there. Positivity wasn't the answer to despair, but warmth was.
"I'm sorry, I-I'm really sorry. I'm trying not to cry… you got beat up and I'm here whining because I'm still alive. But it's h-hard, Monika, it's so hard sometimes." Sayori breathed between gasps of air. "It's not like in fairy tales or books, it's never beautiful or noble. Surviving is dirty. It's crying in a bathroom while avoiding the mirror because I hate seeing the useless girl looking back. It's feeling numb a-and just, broken because I can't be like everyone else. I don't lay up at night patting my shoulder for not dying, you know. I sit there and lull myself to sleep with dreams of a life where I never had to fight just to stay alive in the first place." Her voice faded into raspy sniffles as Monika gently stroked her hair and made soft shushing noises, letting her get it out of her system. Crying was a very important part of the recovery process for any type of grief, and she knew it well.
After Sayori's breathing had slowed, Monika slowly sat the both of them back up and wiped some of the stray tears away with her good thumb. "Hey, I'm not going to sit here and give you the same old 'It's gonna get better' speech because I know you don't want to hear it. But, I will tell you that you're allowed to be sad, and bitter, and upset. You don't need to try and hide it just because I went and did something stupid, we can just… have a bad day together, if that makes sense. And no matter what, I'll always be here if you need to vent, advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Okay?" Monika said. Sayori nodded, but said nothing other than a mumbled apology that Monika instantly shut down. "You can apologize all you want, but I'll keep forgiving you each time, okay? Try using those 'bottles' you write about on you instead of us sometime, huh?" She gave Sayori a playful nudge with her elbow, but rather than a smile like she hoped for she received a strange look from Sayori instead.
"Um, I didn't… how did you know about my poem? I didn't share it." Sayori noted as she wiped a final tear from her eye. Monika silently cursed herself; she had completely forgotten they hadn't shared poems with everything that had happened that day. She couldn't just admit that she had already read it in a different world, in a different time, and so she quickly scoured her brain for an excuse of some kind.
"O-oh, I'm sorry. I accidently saw you working on it while we were all at the table, discussing ideas." Monika explained a little too quickly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have gotten distracted. Maybe if I had spent more time thinking of a plan instead of snooping in your poems I wouldn't look like this." She pointed towards her bruised and swollen face as Sayori turned to glance at her, earning her a mixture of a pitying pout and a smile. That little ghost of a smile was what Monika craved more than anything, even if it was only for a sliver of a second, so long as it was real.
Sayori took the showerhead and slowly turned herself around, indicating that Monika do the same as she grabbed the shampoo. Monika could feel her eyes on her face, inspecting her injuries. "I'll forgive you this time, but only if you let me clean your hair too since it's only fair. Gosh, I really hate how hurt you got. You have to be more careful, you said all that stuff about your club members getting hurt, but what am I supposed to do if something happens to our president?" Monika chuckled at Sayori's words as she felt her friend's hands begin to travel the length of her hair, carefully pulling out knots and flecks of dirt. She could've said something smart or teased her more, but she could feel the weariness of the day setting in and just wanted to enjoy the feeling of having someone else tend to her for a moment. Besides, they were too heartfelt for her to tease. "Hot or cold?"
Monika thought for a moment. "Well, Yuri said that cold would help." She could hear the squeeze of a bottle, and the turn of the water as it switched from steamy and warm to a sharp cold. The moment it began to pour down through her hair she felt several streams of water crawl down her neck and back, and her body jolted from the sudden frigid water as she clenched her eyes shut. "Oh, c-cold!" She could hear Sayori giggle from behind her, but she was too distracted by the water to retort. Washing Monika's hair took a great deal more time than it did with Sayori's, long enough for her to grow used to the water at least.
"I've always liked your hair." Sayori said softly as she washed the last of the shampoo out. "I'd grow mine out, but I always end up wanting to cut it whenever I get really bad." There was a clatter as the shampoo was swapped with the soap while Monika shivered as the water from her hair continued to drip down her back. "So, question. Are uh… are you comfortable with me washing your back and stuff, or would you rather do that yourself?" Monika's breath caught in her throat at the question. What did she say? What did she want? Was it wrong that a part of her wanted to feel someone's hands gliding along her skin? They were supposed to be helping each other wash, but Monika couldn't bring herself to say 'Yes' when she knew a part of her would be enjoying it for reasons that weren't related to bathing. It was dishonest, and yet she couldn't deny how badly she just wanted to be held, to be caressed in some small way.
"I uh, I'm okay. I'm still getting used to being so vulnerable in front of someone, so maybe… actually, um, you could get my back? Reaching behind my shoulders kinda hurts." She couldn't help it, it wasn't like she was lying about her shoulders being sore, but there had certainly been more to it. She just wanted to feel, to have actual contact with someone that cared about her. Too long in a game where she wasn't allowed to feel the touch of skin because of a script, too long being deprived of any kind of affection after floating in a void for years, she just wanted to be cared for even if she didn't deserve it. She lowered her towel, letting it rest on the stool so that it covered her waist and stared at the slippery tile floor beneath her. She was glad Sayori was situated behind her, she wasn't sure she'd be able to face her the way she was now.
Having someone wash her hair had been such a pleasant experience, but when she felt Sayori rubbing the soap over her back she let out a sigh of contentment. She didn't know how to explain it, she just felt good as the bar of soap circled her skin with Sayori's fingers gliding along over her shoulder blades and back. The soft hum coming from behind her told her she wasn't alone in her tranquility. If she could just enjoy it without thinking anything salacious or sensual, then everything would be fine. She was just allowing a friend to help her out, after all. Nothing more.
Sayori's humming continued for a moment long, until she paused. "How's your amnesia doing? I feel like we never get a chance to talk about you because you're so busy worrying about us." It wasn't a lie, but Monika didn't talk about herself or her problems for a reason. She shrugged. "When I saw you at the shelter I couldn't believe it, you know? And then you told me at the park about how you can't even remember stuff like your original family, or your last foster family." Sayori's hands were enough of a distraction that she registered what she was saying, but didn't pay it much heed. She was too lost in the comfort of being tended to. "Ehehe, you're really enjoying this. I guess it all just makes me wonder, when was the last time someone told you that you're cared for? That you're loved."
Monika was shaken from her trance as she suddenly felt a pair of bare arms wrap just below her neck, and she heard Sayori's voice from beside her. "I hope one day you can tell me what happened to you. Please, just take care of yourself, okay?" Monika's breathing became heavier and her body shivered from something that had nothing to do with the cold water, the cold water that could do absolutely nothing to stop the flush of red that had taken over Monika's cheeks. "Hey, is everything alright?" She could feel Sayori leaning forward against her back, but there was a distinct lack of cloth separating either of them. Sayori wasn't wearing a towel, and Monika could feel everything.
Of course she's not wearing a towel, she probably lowered hers so she could clean! Don't act weird, don't act weird, God just stop blushing you idiot, this is supposed to be normal! She was silently screaming at herself to brush it away, to just act normal and keep washing, but she couldn't. Her entire body had frozen from the surplus of emotions and thoughts zipping through her head like a rollercoaster, never able to focus on one thing. It was as if someone had taken the cord to her brain and yanked it out, leaving her still and unable to respond.
Sayori patted her shoulder and asked concernedly, "Monika? Did I trigger something? Are you- oh. Ooooh." The warmth of Sayori's skin against hers vanished as Sayori leaned away from Monika, and a moment later she heard a quiet, "It's okay, I'm covered up now." Monika let out a breath that she hadn't realized she was holding in and slowly turned her head to see that Sayori sat on the stool, once again wrapped in a towel with a tinge of pink on the edge of her cheeks. Monika wondered if hers were just as flushed, if not worse, and quickly turned away again hoping that it wasn't as visible as it felt. Why couldn't she just bathe at Yuri's house without something going wrong? For a moment the two of them sat in an awkward silence, until finally Sayori broke the quiet with her voice.
"I'm sorry, eheh." She sounded more embarrassed for Monika's sake than her own. "When you said you weren't comfortable I didn't think- I shouldn't have just hugged you, I didn't even think about it, it just kinda happened. I'm really sorry. That uh, gosh this all probably looks really bad, me being… who I am and all that. I know I'm really bad with others' personal space, but I didn't offer to wash you because I was trying to take advantage of you or something- I'm not trying to come onto you or anything. I'm not, I'm really really not, I promise." Her voice had quickly lost its playful demeanor and now held a twinge of something else: shame.
You stupid girl, I could kiss you. Only Sayori could still find a way to blame herself at a time like this. Although their circumstances and situation were a little unorthodox, Sayori had likely seen it as no different then if they had gone to a sento bath together. She had even admitted it gave her fond memories of experiencing them with her parents. What had been a chance for Sayori to feel normal around another girl in a vulnerable setting had instead been twisted to the point that Sayori had become self-conscious of her own sexuality. Monika felt ashamed that she had even let Sayori consider herself to be the cause of discomfort, when in reality it had been Monika's own feelings and insecurities that had started this.
Monika sighed and brought her towel back up, covering her torso and waist before turning around and taking Sayori's hands with her own. She held them tight, giving a determined smile to show there was no room for error. "Sayori, listen to me. You are fine. Please don't let my inexperience with being vulnerable make you feel like you have anything to apologize for, be it crying, venting, or bathing together. I'm flattered you were comfortable enough to be so exposed with me, and I'm the one who should be sorry for making things uncomfortable. I was just surprised, ahaha." Sayori's expression relaxed at Monika's laugh, and after a moment she gave a small nod to show that they were okay, much to Monika's relief "I'm not really uh, used to being touched. So it's almost like a sensory overload when you hug me unprepared. Next time, just ask okay? I'll more than likely be thrilled to hug you back."
Sayori nodded again, though she still looked upset with herself as she quietly went back to washing. Monika knew she was probably still berating herself, thinking her sexuality was the root of the problem, and Monika also knew there was nothing more she could do. If she pushed the subject, it would likely only embarrass her further, and so their conversation faded as the two returned to their washing, each carefully scrubbing with a bar of soap while lost in thought.
Eventually the two girls finished their bathing and after helping Sayori back up to her crutches, Monika changed into the familiar comfort of the jeans and sweater Sayori had given her what seemed like ages ago. They had both lost the smell of perfume they held when Monika first received them, but they still made her feel warm and fuzzy all the same. The first gifts she had ever been given, alongside the orange ribbon Sayori had bought for her at the mall. A sudden jolt of panic ran through her; she had woken up with her hair already down, which meant her ribbon was still in the forest clearing, likely buried under mud and grass. She frantically searched through her bag, ripping out books and pencils alike in a vain attempt to find what she knew wasn't there. Just as her shoulders sank in despair she felt hands gently lift her hair, and she glanced back to see Sayori giving her a look that was both smug and apologetic as she wrapped familiar orange ribbon through Monika's hair.
"Yeah, I was kinda planning on surprising you with it before we went to sleep cause I thought you'd forgotten about it, I didn't expect you to get so anxious over it." Sayori admitted as she finished tying the ribbon. Monika reached up and felt the back of her own ponytail and smiled at how off center it was; the relief of having her ribbon made up for any grievances bestowed by Sayori's lack of ponytail-tying skills, not that there were any. "Yuri found it in the mud, and we washed it while you were out, so you can thank her!"
Monika snorted. "Of course I panicked, this ribbon means a lot to me you know." She slowly turned around and looked at Sayori, dressed in a familiar pink shirt and a pair of sweats that she had fitted over her cast. Why did she have to look cute when her hair was messy? "Uh, hey. This might be a little weird considering what just happened but, could I get a hug? I'm just-" She didn't even finish her sentence before Sayori wrapped her arms around her, balancing on one leg as she set her crutches aside.
"Silly, asking for hugs is never weird." Sayori insisted from where her head rested on Monika's shoulder. Monika said nothing, instead just taking in the feeling of someone else's warmth. Of Sayori's warmth. She was able to appreciate this one a lot more since she had been expecting it, and wasn't distracted by bare skin brushing against her. She waited for the moment where Sayori would let go and back away, but it didn't come. Instead they stood there for over a minute as she felt at ease, despite all the serious topics they had spoken of during their shower, none of those mattered then. It was when she finally pulled away that she considered what went unsaid might have been just as important as the things that were.
Sayori smiled at her as Monika helped her with her crutches again, without a word the two of them stepped out into the hallway and began to make their way back to Yuri's room. For all that they had shared, there were still so many things she wanted to ask her friends. She wanted to sit down and listen to every minute detail about what had happened since she had passed out, to ask Sayori about every raincloud and hurtful thought that plagued her mind, but there was a part of her in the back of her mind that told her not to worry. There would be plenty of time for questions and investigations and discoveries, but for tonight she deserved to take it easy. To relax with friends, to enjoy being alive, and if the smell of tofu and vegetables was anything to go by, to enjoy a filling meal as well.
When they sat down to eat, Monika didn't think about what awaited them at school the next day. When they relaxed under the kotatsu to watch a movie, or in Sayori's case on the divan, she didn't worry about the nagging feeling in the back of her head telling her she was wrong for how she felt. And when Sayori fell asleep on the divan and Yuri helped Monika cover her with a blanket, she didn't give any thought to all the things she had to do, that she needed to do. Earning money, studying, getting Sayori out of the shelter, helping Natsuki, finding a way to repay Yuri, these were all secondhand thoughts. Laying on the futon in Yuri's spare bedroom, Monika stared up at the ceiling and yawned; it had been quite the day for everyone.
A thought suddenly crossed her mind and she bolted upright, reaching with a small grunt for her bag and retrieving a small composition book filled with her poetry. She turned to the page where her notes on the world were and looked at them for a moment, before reaching in and pulling a pencil from her bag as well. Using the light from her phone, she quickly began to cross out each question.
1. W̶h̶a̶t̶ i̶s̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶ w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶?̶ Home. Get used to it.
2. T̶h̶e̶y̶ m̶e̶n̶t̶i̶o̶n̶e̶d̶ C̶l̶o̶u̶d̶ s̶t̶o̶r̶a̶g̶e̶ a̶n̶d̶ d̶o̶m̶a̶i̶n̶ h̶o̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶. It doesn't matter.
3. P̶r̶o̶g̶r̶a̶m̶ s̶e̶e̶m̶s̶ t̶o̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ l̶a̶r̶g̶e̶ v̶a̶r̶i̶e̶t̶y̶ o̶f̶ s̶c̶e̶n̶a̶r̶i̶o̶s̶ a̶n̶d̶ r̶e̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ a̶t̶ d̶i̶s̶p̶o̶s̶a̶l̶. Nothing is set in stone, make your own path.
4. S̶a̶y̶o̶r̶i̶ s̶h̶o̶w̶s̶ i̶n̶c̶o̶n̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶c̶y̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ h̶y̶p̶o̶t̶h̶e̶s̶i̶s̶ a̶b̶o̶v̶e̶. They're as real as you are, whether you're all programs or not. Never forget this.
5. W̶h̶y̶ d̶o̶ I̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ r̶e̶g̶r̶e̶t̶s̶ r̶e̶g̶a̶r̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ S̶a̶y̶o̶r̶i̶ a̶n̶d̶ t̶h̶e̶ o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶s̶ w̶h̶e̶n̶ I̶ d̶i̶d̶n̶'t̶ b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶?̶ You are more than just your actions. The game does not control you anymore, just as you do not control it.
Below them, Monika quickly scribbled out a new set of things to ponder on and work towards. Just because she wouldn't worry about them tonight didn't mean she wanted to forget what she was fighting for, what she was moving towards.
1. Work and earn money, ignore all distractions except friends and studying!
2. Get the club back together, it's all you have left, don't lose it again.
3. Get Sayori out of the shelter, find roommate or reconvene with parents(?).
4. Yuri has had your back, repay the favor!
5. Don't let anyone hurt them ever again, no matter what.
Monika smiled to herself and was about to shove the composition book back into her bag when one final thought struck her. Thinking back to what Sayori had told her in the shower she opened the book one last time and added in at the bottom:
6. Take care of yourself.
Finally satisfied, Monika packed her things away and set her alarm before falling back on the futon. She wasn't entirely sure what tomorrow would bring, but she knew that she would do her best to power through it and take care of her friends no matter what came her way. The soft sting of her bruises and nose were reminders of her failure to keep her friends safe, but she knew now where she had gone wrong. Wolves were highly social creatures, and she had been facing everything by herself when she didn't have to. She had a pack, friends that she knew she cared for more than anything else, and tomorrow, come hell or highwater, she was going to get back on the track to bringing them all back together once again. It was where she belonged, and it was where they belonged. Together.
"Really, Ms. Yamada. We just can't thank you enough. I speak Japanese well enough, but I struggle with the kanji, especially the numbers, and I don't want little Camille to suffer for it." Monika stood on the doorstep of her first client as the sun set below the mountains to the west, smiling at hearing the family name Yuri had suggested. Yuri had also allowed Monika to borrow her makeup and concealer, hiding most of the cuts and bruises along her face so as to not startle the client. The young boy she had been tutoring for the past two hours, Camille, hid anxiously behind his mother's calf as the two saw her off. Monika smiled and bowed her head, kneeling down so that she was eye-level with the boy.
"It was my pleasure, we got it figured out in the end once I showed you that multiplication trick with your nines, didn't we?" She flashed a grin, but the boy only nodded meekly before cowering deeper into his mother. Both women shared a good-natured laugh as she stood back up and readjusted her bag over her shoulder. "Yeah he made some good progress, so long as he remembers the differences between zero and one I think he'll do just fine. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter first client." It hadn't been teaching the boy that had caused her trouble, but rather getting him to communicate at all. He was evidently shy, and Monika had spent the better half of her time wishing Sayori had been there with her. Sayori just seemed like she would be great with children with her sweet and playful demeanor, as opposed to Monika who quite frankly couldn't remember ever interacting with a child before. She had been as patient and helpful as she knew how, but she still felt woefully inadequate to deal with children.
Camille's mother snapped her fingers and said, "Ah, that's right!" before reaching inside the house and digging through her purse. After a moment of quiet counting she pulled out three 1000 yen notes, handing them to Monika who stared back in confusion. "Here you are, dear." Monika stared at the three notes hungrily, for as much as she wanted to keep them she knew that there had been a misunderstanding, and couldn't bring herself to what was in her mind essentially stealing. She shook her head and held the notes back out.
"Actually, the transactions are done on card through the company ma'am." Monika corrected. "Thank you though." Though she offered the yen back, Camille's mother shook her head and tucked her purse back inside the house.
"Oh I'm aware. I apologize, tipping is quite customary for such things back in France, but not here, yes? If we are truly your first customers then I insist you keep it, maybe you can come back next time and tutor me instead." She laughed again and stepped back inside, nudging Camille and whispering, "Say goodbye to Ms. Yamada, mon amour."Camille gave a quick little wave before ducking inside, earning an eye-roll and a smile from his mother who gave a final wave to Monika. Monika raised a hand in farewell, smiling awkwardly as she looked back down at the yen notes in her hand and walked back to the sidewalk. It was the first time she had held actual money since she had spent her final note at the mall, and holding it in her hands made her swell with a pleasant mixture of pride and glee.
What would she buy first? Food? Clothes? A steaming cup of coffee? Monika allowed herself a few moments of daydreaming before focusing her attention; she needed to be smart with her money, especially since she wasn't going to receive anymore for a whole two weeks until payday. This was an unexpected bonus, and she would have to use it wisely and spread it out to last if she could. Monika made her way down the street as the end of the day traffic passed her by, turning left down the street and gazing out towards the city as she did bits of mental math in her head. As the late autumn air whipped past her face she tightened her school blazer and shivered; perhaps some warmer clothing wasn't such a bad investment after all?
The school day itself had been relatively easygoing, pleasant even. Yuri had taken the three of them to school, and though none of them had said anything about it, the threat of school intervention from yesterday's events hung over them. What kind of trouble would they be in? Had Kanako's plan to film them as blackmail worked? To their surprise, nobody came forward to collect them for punishment or questioning. The only thing that had been out of the ordinary was that Himari had met Monika's eyes for the first time during their first period together. Neither had spoken, and Monika had looked away to her own desk, but she could still feel Himari's eyes staring her down from the other side of the room for a time. Monika could only guess that she was well in the know, though as to what would come of it even she couldn't tell.
For the first time since her arrival, she enjoyed a relaxing lunch with Sayori out in the courtyard as the two eagerly ate the leftover miso soup that Yuri had so graciously packed for them in disposable thermos cups. Yuri had been insistent on their taking of the leftovers as in her own words, "It was your underfed condition that led you to passing out in that fight, Monika!" And though a part of her felt bad for feeding off of Yuri's kindness, she couldn't help but melt as the savoriness of the soup poured down her throat. They had talked about trivial things, such as Halloween being days away and what they might do during the weekend, before walking to Sayori's classroom so Monika could carry her things for her. They had nixed having a club session that day, as after Monika's fight and their introduction to Ms. Kusumoto, nobody had the heart for literature that day.
Monika stopped her stride as an idea crossed her mind. When Sayori had first arrived at the shelter, she had told Monika that her birthday was mere days away. That had been a while ago, and Sayori had yet to bring it up again. Monika didn't think she had been lying, which meant that it had likely passed them by without so much as a mention, likely because of Sayori's desire to not burden others. Monika suddenly knew what her first purchase would be, and though she wasn't entirely convinced it was a smart financial decision, it was her financial decision to make. With a spring in her step Monika alternated her course, the setting sun shining its last ray of light against her back as she made her way into the city.
Monika had been walking for not even half an hour when her phone buzzed in her blazer pocket, and she slipped it out to see a text notification at the top of her screen. She clicked the unread message open, and her eyebrows raised up in surprise.
K. Natsuki: hey, i want to talk. in person. you got a minute?
Monika stared at the text, reading it a second time before hastily typing out:
You: Yeah, I'm in the Yakumo shopping district. Am I meeting you somewhere, or…?
A moment later another text appeared. Natsuki was apparently a very quick texter
K. Natsuki: sick, i'm close by. meet me behind Bento & Tea. its by the library.
Well if that wasn't the most suspicious message Monika had ever received. The first conversation she and Natsuki had in weeks that wasn't in the midst of threats and fists, and she wanted to meet behind a restaurant? Monika frowned as she stuffed her phone back in her blazer and looked around for some kind of signpost or map to indicate where exactly Bento & Tea might be, or at least the library. She wasn't sure if she should trust Natsuki given their encounter the day before had essentially knocked Monika unconscious, but at the same time she thought she remembered bits and pieces towards the end of the fight where Natsuki had refused to continue her assault on her. She couldn't remember why, or how, but something had finally gotten through to Natsuki and it had ended with Natsuki nearly sharing Monika's fate.
Whether it was to pay Monika back for getting her injured, or to apologize, she wasn't sure. Yet she thought back to her new rule number two, and couldn't flat out refuse a chance to make amends either, and so it was that Monika tugged her schoolbag over her shoulder and began traveling further into the city. It took a few minutes of searching, along with a few directions from some friendly passerby, but eventually Monika found the cozy looking bistro situated beside the library. The interior looked so comforting and homey that Monika almost instinctively stepped inside to where she could hear the clatter of silverware and pleasant voices, only to remember Natsuki had specified behind the building. Sliding into the overgrown alleyway, Monika kept her hand over her pocket where her phone lay, ready to pull it out and run at the first sight of trouble. But as she rounded the corner she saw that there was no danger waiting for her, no sudden fist aimed at her gut, just a small girl in a bright blue hoodie hugging her knees as she sat with her back against the wall. The pink strands of hair were a dead giveaway.
Natsuki turned to look up at Monika, her expression impossible to read as she patted the spot to her left. Considering Natsuki was known for wearing her heart to read, this was at the very least unnerving to Monika. She obliged however, sliding her back against the wall as the two of them listened to the sounds of the dinner rush just on the other side. Natsuki turned and leaned over, pulling two bottles of soda out from beside her as well as a small box of tupper-ware containing two riceballs.
"Hope you don't mind Ramune, or onigiri for that matter." Natsuki muttered as she handed one of each to Monika. Monika looked at the gifts in surprise, glancing up at Natsuki as the girl popped the top of her soda bottle and began guzzling its contents greedily. Monika didn't mind either, considering her dietary habits she was certainly not one to complain if she did, but she did glance back at Natsuki with an arched brow.
"That's... rather nice of you, but where did you get them? And, what's the occasion?" She popped the top after taking a moment to figure out how before taking a swig, the sweet taste of lychee quenching her thirst and making her taste buds tingle. Natsuki wiped her mouth with her sleeve, rolling her eyes as she set the drink down.
"Oh, you know, just flashed my panties to the cashier and he gave me the bottles as payment. I bought them, you blockhead, christ." She took out her own riceball and Monika followed suit, each taking a bite of the rice. It was cold and a bit dry, but Monika could taste a salty flavor inside as well and looked to see a splotch of violet in the middle of the riceball. "Well, I made these myself though, filled them with pickled plum. It's uh, got a bit of an acquired taste. As for the occasion, well… uh, I thought that maybe, um…" Her voice trailed off as she continued to chomp down on her riceball, though if she was hoping to use it as an excuse to not answer then Monika wouldn't let her. She stared at Natsuki, patiently waiting as Natsuki cast a quick glance beside her until finally the girl swallowed and sighed.
Natsuki let one leg down and lowered her head, though Monika couldn't even see it beneath her hood. "Look, dude. I don't uh… I feel bad. So this is me, showing you that I feel bad." Monika blinked at her, but said nothing as she let the silence hang in the air. Natsuki groaned and muttered beneath her breath, burying her face in her hands with a single eye peeking through that met Monika's own. "You look like crap." She commented, and finally Monika spoke as turned to look away at the concrete wall across from them.
"Guess I have you to thank for that." Monika said smoothly as she took another sip of her soda. "But hark who's talking, I'll take a stab and say that's why you have your hood up?" Her question was answered as Natsuki instantly reached for the strings and pulled her hood taut. If Natsuki was here to make amends, she would have to show that she actually meant it. Monika wanted them all together more than anyone, but as much as she wanted that, she wanted to know that Natsuki was aware of the damage she had done too.
Natsuki groaned again and set her head against the alley wall, staring up to the sky as the strips of twilight faded into dusk. "Yeah." She muttered. "Yeah, I guess I had it coming, huh? I know I messed up, I know you probably hate my guts right now, but just, hear me out. Can you do that? I brought the food and everything, that should show I'm serious." Monika waited for a moment before nodding, though when she realized Natsuki wasn't looking at her, she gave a grunt of begrudging approval. Natsuski took a deep breath and nodded her head, sticking her hands in the pockets of her hoodie.
"Alright. Look, I'm… I screwed up, okay? I want to come back to the club. I miss you guys, I miss our poetry, I miss Sayori and Yuri and I even miss you when you're not giving out lectures like a university professor." She let out a snicker under her breath, though when Monika didn't laugh with her she straightened up. "I didn't mean to hit you. I mean, yeah obviously I went at you swinging, but I couldn't get expelled! I didn't think those jerks would go as far as try to get me kicked out, and I saw you and I just… augh, why is this so hard? Look, I just want to go back to the way things were. Can we go back to reading and discussing poetry in the club, and just- I don't know, forget all of this ever happened?" Her hood turned to look at Monika, and though she couldn't see what lay beneath it she could hear the pleading in Natsuki's voice. "I'll bake you guys some cupcakes or some junk, just, I don't want to deal with this anymore."
Without a word, Monika grabbed her own bottle and stood up while dusting her backside off. She turned towards the corner of the bistro and began to leave, garnering a sudden a call from Natsuki. "Hey... HEY! You can't just take my food and walk off while I'm trying to fix this, I could've saved those for myself but I wasted it on you instead! Dude, come back, I-I got my ass beat too, you know?!" Monika heard her voice growing closer and squeezing the glass bottle in her hand she did a one-eighty and jabbed a finger towards Natsuki's hood.
"It's not about me, Natsuki!" Monika shouted. "And it's not about you, or what you did! It's about what you didn't do. Did you know Sayori tried to kill herself after the festival? Did you know I had to jump into a river from seventy feet up to make sure she didn't die?" Her heart was thumping out of her chest, and she could feel the fire burning within her own eyes as Natsuki backed away in shock. "A traumatic-brain-injury, misaligned clavicle, three broken ribs and a broken ankle to boot. I swam down a river not hardly knowing how to doggy-paddle, and dragged her up to the road. I sat next to that hospital bed, holding her hand not knowing if she was going to live or die without ever getting to say another word to her. I went every day I could with Yuri, and we sat there. And we waited." She felt hot tears begin to well up in her eyes as she remembered Sayori's broken form lying motionless on the riverbank.
"So where. The fuck. Were you?" Monika hissed, jabbing her finger into Natsuki's shoulder. She wanted to tell her how Sayori had ousted herself from her own home the day she had been discharged, forced to end up in a homeless shelter of all things, but she bit her tongue. She knew better than to tell other's secrets now. "I've seen her stare off in the club towards your seat, wishing you were there. I've seen her stare at her texts, hoping beyond hope that you would finally reply. You know she blames herself for what happened that day, don't you? And even though I tell her again and again it isn't her fault, all she has to do is look at your empty seat to convince herself otherwise. You're supposed to be her best friend, and you have the audacity to ask to pretend everything is normal? To just walk away from what you did? People like us, people who mess up and hurt others, we… we have a responsibility to make things right! Not just shrug them off!"
Natsuki had been silent through Monika's accusations, even taking her jabs without complaint. As Monika caught her breath and stared Natsuki down, she almost felt regret strike her heart. If Sayori had been there, she was sure she would have told Monika to back off, to calm down, but Sayori was not there. It was just Monika and Natsuki. Natsuki's hands balled up into fists, and at first Monika thought she might hit her again, but instead she yanked her hood back and revealed the black eye she had been given, as well as the bruises lining the right side of her face.
"I know, dammit!" She shouted back, stomping her foot into the pavement. "Of course I know what she did, you think I thought she just fell down the stairs the same day that happened?! But you said it yourself, I abandoned her! I insulted her, I stormed off, and the next time I saw her she was in crutches and bandages! I-I…" She paused and took a deep breath, wiping the tears that were filling her own eyes as her voice gave out and lowered to a whimper. "I don't know how to apologize. At all. How the actual hell do you go up to someone who trusted you, who needed you, someone you stabbed in the back, and say 'My bad!'? Do you know what that's like, Monika? To want to apologize so badly to someone, but you just can't physically bring yourself to confront it, to not be able to even look at them because you don't know how to deal with what you've done?!"
Monika bent down until she was eye-level with Natsuki, who was pushing her palms into her eyes, and in a tone that left no room for exaggeration said, "Yes." Natsuki slowly pulled her hands from her bleary eyes and met Monika's own, and for a moment they stood there in silence and stared at each other before Natsuki sighed and looked away. She wasn't sure if Natsuki believed her or not, if the weight of her voice and the look in her eyes truly reached her, but whether she believed it or not it certainly seemed to make an impression at least. At last Natsuki shook her Ramune bottle and stared back up at Monika.
"I… I'm sorry. I really, really am. And-and I don't know how to… I've never been able to apologize. I'm sorry for blaming you, and taking my anger out on you because frankly, you didn't deserve it, especially since you were just trying to help. But you're right." She sniffled and wiped the last of her tears away. "This isn't just about us, it's about them too. So, please help me do something right for once in my life and make it up to them." Monika felt the edges of her mouth turn up in a smile as her face softened and she gently raised a fist up to hold out towards her clubmate. That was what she needed to hear, to know that Natsuki wouldn't make the same mistakes she had when she first arrived. Natsuki glanced at her questioningly before slowly meeting Monika's fist with her own.
"Let's do it. Together."