For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

15. The Wolf and the Phoenix

Chapter 15: The Wolf and the Phoenix

The chapter that fills in the broken cracks with golden dust, to make something beautiful.

---

"Hey, really glad you could make it, Yuri!" Monika greeted. Yuri was taking a deep breath after having crossed the street to meet them, and though the distance between sidewalks wasn't noteworthy, the amount of clothing Yuri wore certainly was. Her face was partially obscured by a tricorne hat that sprouted a single white plume, and Monika counted three different tops between her coat, waistcoat, and button-up. That wasn't even mentioning the cloak, jabot tie, as well as boots and gloves to match, making it little wonder as to why her friend was so breathless. Monika knew she would've been sweating like a sauna had it been her in the costume, even with the chill of the autumn air to combat it.

"Ah, yes. With most of my family indisposed, I mostly spend Halloween with a few of my online friends, sharing our costumes and other seasonal creations before retreating to the comfort of some classical horror films I'm fond of. To actually get to wear this year's costume outside amidst others is, admittedly, nerve-rattling to say the least, but I am rather grateful you invited me, Monika." She paused to readjust her hat, glancing past Monika with an anxious frown tugging at her lips. "Though I'm not sure I can say the same about everyone else."

Monika glanced behind her and down the sidewalk to where Natsuki and Sayori were pointing at each other's costumes as they slowly tailed after Monika. When she turned back she saw that Yuri already seemed to be having second thoughts regarding her involvement, fiddling with her hair while her eyes flicked between the sidewalk and the road she had come from. Monika smiled and took her hand, pulling her gently by the glove down the sidewalk so that they could meet with the others. Sayori immediately waved and hobbled up to the both of them, eyes glittering as she inspected the elaborate trims and designs of Yuri's costume. Natsuki suddenly took interest in her own shoes.

"Ooh! Look at the embroidery on the cuffs!" Sayori whispered. "Oh this is just too cool! Where'd you get it, Yuri? It looks awesome!"

"Uhuhuhu, why thank you, Sayori. I purchased most of the pieces online, but some are from my own wardrobe I keep for special occasions. Might I say I quite like your costume as well, though I'll admit I never took you for a fan of such a psychologically and thematically complex show." Yuri glanced at the pillow-case that had been tied to Sayori's crutch and flashed Monika a quizzical look, but Monika just shrugged; it wasn't like Sayori would have been able to carry her candy any other way.

"Ooooh, thanks! Monika did most of the work on mine, I only ever saw like the first three episodes and I had to stop after that because it made my brain dizzy. But the penguin was cute!"

"...Ah."

Natsuki glanced up at Yuri, and Monika could tell the tension of that afternoon hadn't quite left yet. There was silence for a moment as their eyes met and Monika readied herself to intervene, unwilling to let their holiday be ruined so early, but Natsuki gave Yuri a thumbs up that she followed with a grin and said, "Hey Yuri, I uh… I really like your pirate outfit!" Yuri's eyes narrowed and she let out a breath of air from her nostrils, motioning towards the hat that sat atop her head.

"It's not a pirate costume. Tricorns were worn by all walks of civilian life to purposefully allow the wearer to flaunt their social status by revealing their wig, not just pirates. They were also made to be compact enough to tuck beneath one's arms with relative ease." Yuri retorted, not withholding the scorn from her voice. "The costume itself is that of a huntress who sits guarding a clock tower-" Yuri's eyes suddenly caught Monika's, who was standing behind Natsuki doing her best to give a steely look, and she saw Sayori beside her giving an equally pleading look with her hands together. Yuri sighed, and with a now minimal amount of scorn gave a simple, "But, thank you, Natsuki. Your costume is… cute, though I can't say I recognize it." Monika and Sayori each gave Yuri a thumbs up, smiling to each other as they began to walk down the sidewalk together.

Sayori fell in line beside Natsuki while Monika and Yuri took the lead. Natsuki looked mildly affronted by Yuri's words, but she seemed to sense the attempt at peace and hesitantly responded, "Oh, uh… thanks. You probably wouldn't, it's Minori, from Parfait Girls. I wasn't really able to get a new costume this year because of uh, time constraints. So I took the one I did last year, which was from Attack Pixie Guardian since Minori's outfit is kinda magical girl-ish, and put an apron over it. A bit of nasty hair gel out of my dad's medicine cabinet to get my hair slicked back and that's all it took." Yuri nodded and looked away for a moment. When she glanced back she had an odd expression on her face, and looked right back at Natsuki.

"Why would a chef wear a scarf?" Yuri asked. Monika hadn't even noticed the puff of pink wool that covered her collarbone, it had blended in well enough with the rest of the costume for her eyes to slip past it until now. Natsuki stiffened however and brought the scarf up higher, scowling at Yuri though she couldn't seem to meet her eyes. Sayori meanwhile "Oohed" and "Aahed'' at Natsuki's haphazard outfit and bumped her arm, nodding towards her own homemade costume.

"That's sorta what me and Moni had to do, I think our backup was going to be a mummy by just throwing some toilet paper around me if we weren't able to find the colored hair spray!" She giggled as the group passed by a flock of squealing children. Monika wagged a finger smugly from ahead of them and looked back with a grin.

"Affordable, fast, and effective. Unfortunately I was worried her crutches would get tangled up in them, which wouldn't be the best way to spend the holiday." She admitted. Yuri nodded while Natsuki gave a look that plainly said No duh, but she smiled regardless and brought up a small plastic pumpkin that she carried over her shoulder. The cracked and somewhat dusty pail smiled back at them all, and Natsuki let out a confident sigh.

"Alright! So, enough about our cool costumes. Oh uh, I just noticed your puppet marks Monika. Nice." Monika smiled back at her. "Anyways, so I had some free time since my costume didn't take very long. And after a combination of remembering when me and Sayori would go trick-or-treating in her neighborhood, as well as using google maps to get a good idea of the area, I think I was able to nail us a pretty solid route to take." She took out her phone and swiped up to a satellite image of their area, with little colored doodles indicating which houses were infamous for giving out candy, and which ones were "Greedy close-fisted wet-blankets" according to her. Monika wasn't really out for the candy, she just found herself stuck in a constant smile as she thought about how lucky she was to have been able to celebrate a holiday with others for once. Though, she personally wouldn't have turned her nose up to a caramel chew or two.

Something she had learned to appreciate in this world was the little things nature provided. A brisk gale chilling her skin, the tinges of warmth from a setting sun, or the delighted squeals of children in the distance as they raced from one house to the next. It was so lively, so active, and so very different from the game and the void. In the game she could technically eat one of Natsuki's cupcakes, but all it did was send a signal to her that signified that it tasted good and that she enjoyed it. There was no taste, no texture, just a feeling of satisfaction. Out here she could inhale and just be overwhelmed by the earthy smells of autumn's decay into winter. She loved the liveliness of it all, the way everything simply was because that was how it had naturally bloomed. Perhaps that was why she found herself so enamoured by Sayori, because as ironic as it was she knew there was nobody as lively as her vice president.

She had planned to ask Sayori out with her late birthday gift, but how exactly was she supposed to do it? She had only ever asked someone out once before, and it hadn't exactly been a consensual exchange. Here she wanted to make sure that Sayori was more than comfortable when she asked, and knew exactly what she was asking to avoid any misconceptions. Hey Sayori, if I ask you to hang out, will you understand that I'm asking you on a date or should I make it more clear? No, that almost sounded condescending. I really want to go on a date with you, but I'm really scared about how you'll respond. It was honest, but what if Sayori agreed only out of fear of disappointing her? Perhaps something more humorous to lighten the mood would work. Would you be my Ghoulfriend? She let out a small groan; why was asking someone out so hard?

The sound of laughter caught her attention, and she looked over to see a group of children running through the trees of the park they were passing by. As Monika smiled at the werewolf and ghost duo passing them by, followed by apologetic parents, she realized that the park was familiar to her. It had been the exact same one she had abandoned Sayori in after their trip to the mall, the one where she had left her vice president crying not because of her coarseness, but because of her refusal to accept help when it was so readily presented. The sweater she wore suddenly felt tight around her neck, and she glanced away as painful memories resurfaced; she could remember every word, every glare, and every tear from that day, and all the ones that followed. Perhaps that was the real reason asking Sayori out was so hard, because she knew deep down that she had no right to fall for someone who she had done so much wrong to.

"... but yeah, no, I don't understand how anyone could like licorice. Like, everyone I know throws out the black jellybeans, and for good reason. Why would you waste your time with that bitter stuff when you could eat something sweet like say, chocolate?" Natsuki had seemed to switch the topic to candy while Monika was lost in thought, and she risked a quick glance at Sayori to see if she too was thinking back to the day at the park. To her surprise Sayori was instead staring back at the children and their parents with a familiar wistful look on her face, nodding absently at Natsuki's candy rambling. Monika recognized it well as the same one she had worn that day in the park, right before the argument. Natsuki stopped them all from the back, squinting at her phone and announcing she needed to adjust their route.

Yuri sighed and stood on the curb with her arms crossed, while Monika stepped back to where Sayori was. Her friend was leaning against the metal rail barring the park from the sidewalk, and the giddy excitement she had worn on her face all day had been replaced by a much darker and much more tired look. Monika knew that hollow look well, she had both seen it and worn it enough to know what it signified and stood for, and so she gingerly approached the spot beside Sayori and wrapped her hands over the bar to hold her weight. "Did you come here a lot as a kid? Or, do you only see our argument when you walk by?"

Sayori shook her head. "No, there were so many good memories made here, mostly because I wasn't depressed yet. Or maybe I was, and just didn't know it. Maybe that's the problem. I had a friend when I was a little kid, I mean like little little, I think I mentioned him before?" Monika tensed up; just thinking of them was nerve wracking for her, but hearing Sayori make mention of it made her feel peculiar, almost like having an online friend meet an offline friend. But Sayori's friend had simply been the inspiration for the avatar they would possess, none of them were one in the same, simply related. Monika loosened her grip and nodded.

"Yeah, you mentioned him"

Sayori gazed off and pointed towards a sturdy oak tree. "We would always climb that tree whenever we met up, first thing. Whoever got to that branch there first was allowed to pick the game we would play." She chuckled, though it didn't quite meet her eyes as she continued. "Gosh, he would always try really hard but get tired halfway up- though now that I think about it, he was probably just letting me win. I always wanted to do what he did so it didn't really matter in the end, ehehe. We'd play hide and seek in those woods back there, and finding new hiding spots and locations was always so exciting. We'd pretend to be looking for a wizard in the woods, or we'd be mermaids and mermen in the creek swimming upriver to find our tribe. I could sit here for hours and tell you about the adventures we had, you know? It was just… fun." She closed her eyes, still grinning while Monika smiled in return. She loved it when she saw that smile.

"You must've given your parents quite a lot of heart-attacks." Monika commented, and Sayori snorted in confirmation.

"Oh every day. His mom was really sweet, always making sure that if he bought himself an ice-cream or a drink that he'd have enough to get me one too. That's how we met actually, I wasn't feeling well because I was dehydrated, and he saw me sitting on the bench and offered me his unopened apple juice. He was such a softie, always pretending he didn't care but if I so much as got a scrape, there he was, making sure I was okay. Oh my gosh, so one time this bigger kid from the street over came and pushed me off of the swingset and I started crying, right? Well before my mom could say anything he came over and grabbed the swing and just-" Sayori raised her arms up high and mimicked throwing a swing with as much force as possible before giggling again. "He got in so much trouble! But I thought it was sweet, and then the doofus promised right then and there that he would marry me one day so he could always make sure I was okay. That he'd uh, that he'd always protect me. Silly, huh?" Whatever traces of a smile had popped up quickly vanished under a solemn frown as her gaze lowered to the ground.

Monika tried to smile and patted her shoulder in an effort to comfort her friend. This was supposed to be a fun holiday after all. "Well, you have those memories with you, right? So even though those times are gone now, you got to experience them at least." But Sayori just shook her head.

"Well, he moved when I was eleven. A little over a year before I first found out I had depression, before that I just assumed I was sad because I didn't have my best friend around." Sayori explained. "And it was just so… lonely, Monika. He used to walk me home after primary school, every day. Then he left and, well Natsuki used to walk home with me and hang out a bit after school during junior high." A case of grumbling erupted from behind them and they turned around briefly to see Yuri had taken Natsuki's phone and was trying to find the correct route while Natsuki frantically reached up with passing obscenities. They shook their heads, and when Monika looked back at Sayori she saw that her friend had tears welling up in her eyes, but her voice remained composed.

"You know, I can't even remember his name. Some friend I am, huh?" Sayori chuckled dryly. "You know I thought… I thought when I was on the bridge and I heard someone walking up beside me…" She brushed her tears away and shook her head, an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm sorry, that sounded like I wasn't glad you came. I was, I really was, and I still am. Natsuki is back, I have the club with you and Yuri. I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be complaining. But, thank you for listening to my mope." She stretched her back against the rail before grabbing her crutches and stepping back towards Yuri and Natsuki, a smile on her face that Monika knew wasn't as genuine as she made it out to be.

For a moment Monika wanted to reach out and caress her, to tell her it was okay to not be happy, that she was allowed to express herself and be upset by things, but Natsuki's voice pierced the night and grabbed their attention yet again as she triumphantly waved her phone around in the air.

"Boom! Halloween is back on track! All thanks to yours truly- oh uh, and Yuri of course. Uh, thank you."

"Whatever."

"Right! So let's get this show on the road, because if I have to wait any longer for sugar I'm going to start kicking down doors! Let's go, let's go!" Natsuki pushed them all forward as she moved behind them again, with Monika grumbling under her breath as they were ushered past the park and down the street yet again. She fingered the small gift box in her pocket as she thought about what a perfect opportunity she had been given, only for it to be interrupted at the last moment. Monika sighed and glanced up at the sun that had just lowered beneath the clouds covering the mountains to the west, giving the sky a dull orange glow that fit the Halloween mood as the group made their way to the next street. There was still plenty of time left.

Natsuki proudly paraded the group up to the street corner, a neighborhood of shining lights and festive decorations lighting the road to their left. Monika recognized the road with a small jolt, and judging from the increasingly anxious look on Sayori's face she did as well. This was Sayori's street, or rather, it had been at one time. Monika was sure that if they began walking down between the houses they would find themselves in front of Sayori's parent's house in no time at all. Natsuki didn't know, she had no way of knowing, and so as she waved all of them down the sidewalk Monika knew that she had to do something to change their course, and fast. This wasn't the place for Natsuki to find out, the night was already awkward enough and Monika was too determined for them to have fun to let something as simple as miscommunication ruin their evening. Just as a reluctant Sayori held her crutches out to follow in Natsuki's footsteps, Monika stepped forward and clapped her hands.

"Hold up!" She announced, and everyone turned to face her. "We've got a lot of ground to cover if I saw your route correctly, there's no way we'll finish if we all go together. Maybe we should do like we did at the mall and split up? One group can take this road, the others the next street over. We're probably more likely to get candy if it's only two high-schoolers instead of four after all." The others seemed to agree and nodded at that, while Monika smiled as she realized this was the perfect setup for her to give Sayori her gift. All she needed to do was walk somewhere a little inconspicuous, where she would then present her with her late birthday gift and pop the question. She still didn't know how she was going to ask, but she managed to squash down the wriggling feeling of nerves biting at her insides. She'd just have to come up with something on the way there. "Alright, if everyone's in agreement then-"

"Oh, oh! I want to go with Natsuki!" Sayori blurted out quickly, bouncing up and down on her crutches as the others stared at her. Monika's heart sank, realizing her plan had not only crumbled yet again, but had basically backfired on herself. Oh, she thought to herself weakly. It made sense, Sayori hadn't seen or interacted with Natsuki in weeks, so it was only logical that she would want some one on one time with her best friend. The best friend who left her alone for weeks while you were with her every day. Monika squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to listen to whatever side of her was trying to bait her into negativity. She was no better, she had refused and rejected Sayori's kindness until it was almost too late. She was the one who had suggested they split up anyway, and now she was living with that decision for better or for worse.

Yuri hummed from beside Monika and bowed her head. "Yes, I think that would be an… apt arrangement. Shall we take this road, Monika?" Monika glanced back at the hopeful glimmer in Sayori's eyes and nodded in defeat. Even if she wasn't with her, she still didn't want Sayori to have to meet with her parents again unnecessarily, and so she gave a nod of confirmation. Sayori let out a celebratory whoop while Natsuki shrugged nonchalantly, but Monika could tell she was secretly pleased.

"Well, I wanted us to all hang out together, but I'm willing to sacrifice that for a little while in the name of sweet, delicious, free candy. Let's meet back here in like, thirty minutes!" Natsuki resigned, waving her pail forward as she passed by Monika and Yuri. "Come on, Riri! Let's show these guys how to con folks out of their candy, literature club style!" And with that she sped off in the direction the next street over, skipping through a group of trick-or-treaters and out of sight as Sayori hobbled after her as fast as she could, empty pillowcase billowing in the wind.

"Woo! Hey, wait for me!"

Monika and Yuri shook their heads in unison before turning back to the road behind them, the lights of the neighborhood providing an ethereal glow of diffraction and shadows from passerby. The two of them swapped looks and silently began walking down the sidewalk together, gazing curiously at children in costumes or returning smiles whenever one would turn and wave. It was only after they had stopped at the gate of the first house that Yuri hesitated and turned to Monika, an anxious look on her face as she pulled on a loose strand of hair that had fallen from beneath her hat. With a soft cough, she spoke.

"Well, I er… I suppose we should go up there and uh…" Her voice fizzled out into a whisper as she stared up at the house before them. To Monika it looked like just a normal house, but she was sure to Yuri it was much more; a den of forced interaction where she would have to keep her cool and ask for sweets from a complete stranger. Even buried beneath all of the layers of clothing it was obvious that she was shaking, along with the way she had begun to fidget gave Monika a pretty clear picture of what was happening. Monika gave her a pitying smile and put a hand on her shoulder, nodding her head back towards the street. If approaching houses was truly that hard for Yuri, she sure wasn't going to force her to, despite the fact that she was sure a part of it would be good in bringing the girl out of her shell. This was a night for fun after all, and they could always help push boundaries another time.

Yuri turned back at Monika's touch and nodded gratefully, quickly retreating back to the sidewalk and taking a deep breath as she shook her hands in an attempt to chase back the nerves. "T-thank you, Monika. I'm so sorry, I'm sure you were looking forward to a normal holiday experience, but you ended up with me…" A nervous chuckle escaped her lips as they continued past streetlamps and gates, and as she glanced at Monika she quickly looked back away. "You look rather disappointed, could it be that um… that today's events have made you- understandably so, wary of me? Or is it the realization that I'm not the best suited partner for Halloween given my lack of, erm… confidence?"

Monika blinked a few times, raising her eyebrows back at Yuri. Had she really looked that upet? She quickly put on a reassuring smile and patted Yuri again. "Not at all! You're okay, really. What happened earlier doesn't change how I feel about you in this slightest, at least not in a negative manner." Yuri still looked unsure so Monika added, "Really, if that was the case I wouldn't have offered for you to come along, now would I?"

"Perhaps out of pity?" Yuri suggested, but Monika shook her head.

"Nope. I'm nice, but not that nice." They both shared a small chuckle at that. "Speaking of my lack of niceness, how are your arms? I know since we ended the club session early we didn't really get a chance to talk again. I just wanted to make sure you're doing alright." Yuri hummed softly and nodded, raising one of her arms in consideration as if she was expecting a stain of blood to smear through the coat. Thankfully, the thick black leather remained pristine.

"I'm… about average, I suppose. Going out for the evening has been a nice distraction, even if seeing Natsuki again is admittedly agitating. I'm somewhat glad Sayori picked her, as I'm worried that spending any amount of time alone with her might cause another meltdown… and she doesn't deserve that. I can look through my hurt and frustration enough to see that." They were silent for a moment at that, and Monika glanced up at Yuri with a prodding look to see her lost in thought. They passed several houses before Yuri finally spoke up again, this time with her voice barely above a whisper. "You know, I might just be looking for trouble where none lies, but did it seem as though Natsuki was hiding something? The way she froze up earlier in the classroom when I raised my voice, and when I asked about her scarf how she seemed completely stupefied?"

Monika thought about it for a moment, but she wasn't sure she liked where it led to. Yuri seemed to be reaching a similar conclusion as a dark look overtook her face as they continued down the sidewalk. Did she tell Yuri, revealing more information that she ought not know and risk it being wrong? But her assumptions about Yuri had been correct, and if she had the ability to help Natsuki didn't that mean she had the responsibility to as well? But Natsuki wouldn't open up to her, and she knew it. "Maybe you could talk to her about it? I know the wounds are still fresh, I do, but I also know you didn't mean what you said about her not being worth the effort."

Yuri sighed and stuffed her hands into the pockets of her waistcoat, her head bowed low enough that Monika could no longer see her face as the strands of violet hair obscured her from view. "I'll think about it." She muttered in a tone that told Monika she would do no such thing. "Do take it from someone who has been covering up injuries for several years now though, it becomes fairly obvious when someone doesn't know how to." With that lingering thought hanging over the both of them they drifted off into silence again just in time for Monika to see what house they were passing by. Sayori's house stood on the opposite side of the street, windows aglow with a warm light that flickered against little decorations that had been strung up with what looked to be origami paper. Her mind drifted from Natsuki to Sayori as she wondered how the Moriyama's were doing, if they knew their daughter was only a street away celebrating Halloween, or if they cared at all. Having only met them once before, it was hard for her to get any kind of read off of them since all she had was Sayori's stories and the single visit. She couldn't figure out what their endgame was, why they hadn't simply popped up and snatched Sayori back to their house?

Were they trying to teach her a lesson? Was it a detached attempt at respecting her decision, but if so then why had they cut off her funds? Perhaps they had expected her to crash and burn, crawling back with an apology and a promise to never leave again? With no parents of her own to ask, Monika simply didn't know. A part of her urged her to walk across the street and ask, to knock on the door and request why they saw fit to let someone as sweet and selfless as their daughter wander the streets while recovering from an attempt at ending her own life? Monika felt a spark burn within her, like a match being struck against her very soul. They cared enough about her to consider something as abrasive and outdated as conversion therapy, but not enough to make sure she was safe after nearly dying? It didn't make sense, and it only burned Monika's spirit brighter.

"Monika?" Monika took a breath and turned back to Yuri, forcing her anger to dissipate behind her. This was a night of fun, no matter how many times she had to repeat that. "I apologize, was that a sensitive question?"

"What? Oh, no no. Sorry, got lost in thought. Say again?"

"I asked how you and Sayori were faring. If uh, if you two are faring at all. I take it she's not aware of your feelings?"

Monika sighed and rubbed the back of her head. It was the question of the night, wasn't it? She looked around as if expecting Sayori and Natsuki to be eavesdropping before answering with a defeated sigh. "I… I guess we're okay? She doesn't know, and to be honest I was planning on confessing to her tonight. That's probably why I looked disappointed, because I thought it'd be a good idea to split us up so I could ask her in private but, well, that didn't exactly go to plan did it? I even got her a gift to make up for missing her birthday and everything." She gave an awkward chuckle that was met with a pitying glance from Yuri in return before pulling the small gift-box from her hand to show it to Yuri. When she popped the top off, Yuri gave a little gasp at the contents and practically beamed up at Monika, all traces of her earlier disquieted mood nonexistent.

"Monika, that's a lovely gift. I have no doubt that she will like it, but you are aware you didn't miss her birthday this year, correct?" Monika raised an eyebrow at that and shook her head, thinking back to that day in Helping-Hands when Sayori had stumbled in after running away.

"Um, no, pretty sure I did." Monika corrected. Hadn't Sayori said her birthday was only four days away? That had been weeks ago now. "Her birthday is in the middle of October, isn't it? That's what she told me…" The look Yuri was giving however told her that Sayori had lied to one of them, and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. Perhaps she was looking too far into things, maybe one of them had misremembered, or misunderstood. Monika shook her head and pushed those thoughts aside, instead returning to the topic at hand. "I'm just, not sure how to ask her out. I've only ever asked someone out once before and it was kinda thrusted on them. I want it to be right, you know? I don't want her to feel pressured into it, especially since I have no idea how she feels… I don't even feel like I deserve to date her."

Yuri raised an eyebrow at Monika, as the two dodged a single lamppost and returned back to each other's sides. "Forgive me Monika, far be it from I of all people to question one's ability to approach another, but surely you must be more confident in yourself than that. You two have been through so much together." She assured her. "You jumped into a river, without an ounce of hesitation I might add, from nearly seventy feet up just to rescue her. You've seemingly dedicated your life to making her happy, you carry her books and bag for her to each class, you make sure she doesn't go hungry by spending your own money. For goodness sake Monika, you spent the last of that tip-money you told me about on giving you two a proper Halloween. How many people can claim to have a friendship like that?"

Monika thought about it, and she realized Yuri had some fair points. They had been through a lot, and there was nobody who could share that kind of long-lasting bond. The only person who could, Monika realized as they passed the decrepit old house that belonged to nobody anymore, was long gone. She had taken from Sayori the only person who could hold a candle to that kind of connection: a childhood friend. It was something incredibly special in Monika's mind, to know someone since your early years and to see them grow from being a child to a teenager, seeing them cry over their first breakup and rolling up your sleeves to whoever had the guts to hurt them. To silently be watching each other's back, through thick and thin, Monika thought it was a wonderful bond. She could understand why it was such a popular archetype in games, and in turn why it had been Sayori's.

If that friend had still been around, would she even have a chance with Sayori? Did she even have a chance to begin with? Would she have a chance if they were the one taking her trick-or-treating? Would they have jumped in after her at the bridge, or would they have been good enough to never let Sayori get to that point to begin with? Did this version of Sayori's friend still exist out there, far away? Or had they just remained a memory, a part of Sayori's character? Her brain was becoming foggy with thoughts of programs and files, and she didn't want to think of friends like that anymore. Childhood-friend or not, she was the one watching over Sayori for the time being.

"But…" Monika began. "What if she doesn't like me back? We've been through a lot but, that doesn't mean she'll… you know, reciprocate those feelings. And what if I don't even like her, and it's only because I've been taking care of her that I feel this way? Or even worse, what if she does say 'Yes' but only likes me because I saved her?" The words were spilling out of her mouth, picking up speed as endless possibilities of failure and rejection took hold of Monika. There was a lot more on the line when the other person could actually reject her. Yuri gave her a sympathetic look, taking Monika's frantic hands and lowering them back down to her side and while she couldn't exactly meet Monika's eyes, she seemed to try her best to give a confident look.

"Goodness, I didn't think I was becoming such a bad influence on you." Yuri chuckled and Monika blinked; had Yuri of all people really just joked with her? "Well again, I think there are others better suited for this kind of question, but um, well, your personalities seem to complement one another quite well. For example, and I hope you do not take offense to this, but you have quite the vision of perfection. The standard you hold yourself to is rather high, even when compared to someone like me. When you don't meet these standards, you seem to become overtly critical of yourself… but then Sayori shows up and you seem to allow this… vulnerability. You allow her to distract you and take you away from that self-deprecating mindset, and it shows." Yuri hummed thoughtfully before raising a hand in a balancing motion. "On that same note, I have noticed ever since her return that Sayori is much more open with us, and yet… she still keeps much hidden. I don't think it's a coincidence that when this happens, at least in class, that you always swoop down and talk to her. I've heard you, you know. N-not that I'm eavesdropping of course! I just hear how you list out all the flaws in her negative thinking, and how you tell her that her fears and worries are valid, but unjustified so that she can rationalize it better."

Yuri sighed and pulled some of her bangs from her hat, as if having them as cover made her more confident. "Even… even if she says 'No' then all you have lost is a lover. You will still have a wonderful friend, someone who knows you better than almost any other, but someone who will still do their utmost to see you happy. That in of itself is a form of love just as valuable as any romance, and I pray you are never foolish enough to lose it. Just… do what you feel is right. That is my advice to you." Monika felt a rush of affection for Yuri, though she could see it behind the eyes that failed to meet hers: a hidden pain that refused to surface under threat of drowning in old memories. She could tell that the words being said meant a lot and held a deeper significance than Yuri had let on, so she put her questions aside and instead took Yuri's hands in her own. She gave them a small squeeze and smiled thankfully, a smile that Yuri returned before giving a half-hearted cough and nodding towards the street again. Words could tell you anything, but sometimes silence was able to speak volumes. "Um, t-that aside, I'm not sure if heading back to them empty handed would be wise. Perhaps we should try at least one or two houses? F-for them, of course."

Monika gave a small chuckle and began to follow after her, but something stopped her and she gazed back the way they had originated from. "Uh, you know what, give me just a minute. I just need to think for a moment, okay?" Yuri didn't even seem remotely surprised, and giving a polite bow to Monika travelled a little further down the sidewalk until she stopped to wait at a lampost. Quick as a whip, Monika checked both ways before skipping over to the other side of the street and stopping at the curb. Ahead of her sat the old and abandoned ruin of a house, nestled between two well-kept and perfectly aligned buildings that only seemed to draw out the stark contrast of the bleak and barren remains she stood before.

She stood there in silence, as though waiting for a signal that she wasn't alone, that someone else was there waiting for her. Listening to her. But she felt no life, no presence, not even the children wandering from house to house dared to walk in front of it, as if some cosmic force pushed them from investigating. As if something didn't want their intrusions. As the bitter fall wind blew through her hair, Monika coughed into her hand. Nothing, but it was what she had expected.

"Hello there. It's um, it's been a minute." She began, kicking a pebble with her shoe. Even with nobody to hear her, she felt awkward talking to them. "I think last time I was yelling at you, right? Ahaha, yeah, that was um… that wasn't my best moment. I don't really know why, I just felt like I needed to talk to you. To ask you if what I'm doing is okay… if I'm doing right by them." Movement out of the corner of her eye made her head bolt up, half in excitement and half in fear, but the rickety shutter creaking in the wind made her lower her head again in disappointment. "Sayori is still depressed, but she's expressing herself more. Natsuki is all but getting mistreated to the point that even Yuri is noticing, but I think I got her to see that not everything revolves around her. Now if only I could get her head out of her ass and apologize, ahah. Yuri isn't as shy, but she's uh… well, she's still cutting. Kinda takes away any pride of getting her to peek out of her shell. So, not much has changed, huh? I haven't changed anything." The house remained silent.

No matter what the situation, it's always been one-sided conversations with us. She smirked at the and thought and held her hands behind her back while balancing on her toes. "Guess you know how I feel about Sayori? Honestly, I don't even know how I feel. Is it the Nightingale syndrome? A form of transference? I haven't got a clue, and to be honest with you it scares me. I… I want to like her, I want to like someone the way I thought I liked you. Because..." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her hand grasping the box in her pocket to remind her of where she was. "Because I don't love you. I didn't love you, and I'm sorry for making us both think I did. I thought I was truly in love, but I couldn't hold your hand, or fall asleep to the smell of you beside me. I couldn't see your smile or taste your lips, or hear you say what I wanted to be told more than anything. I'm sorry that I fell in love with the idea of you, of freedom, instead of who you really were."

The mournful hoot of an owl in the distance was her only response. She took another deep breath, and then released. It felt good to get it off of her chest, to finally tell someone the thoughts that had slowly been amassing for days now. Weeks even. "I don't know if you'd be angry, or if you hate me, or if you ever even felt that way to begin with. Probably not, heh. I just see so much goodness in her, you know?" The image of those crystal blue pools of joy and anguish filled her mind and she smiled. "The way she gets excited over the small things. How whenever she drinks something and laughs, it always comes out of her nose. How she's still trying so hard after everything that's happened, she's just… God, she's incredible. I don't know how I'll ask her out. Maybe I'll do what we did and just, write a poem." She snickered and glanced back towards the other side of the street where Yuri stood patiently, but clearly anxious at being alone for so long. "I better get back to it. I'm going to watch over them still, so don't worry, okay? Just, watch over me too, if you can."

With one final look back, Monika crossed the street back to where Yuri stood and smiled in greeting. She wondered if Yuri thought it odd, her talking to nobody in front of a derelict building, but if she did it wasn't brought up in conversation. Instead the two continued their trick-or-treating in relative silence, occasionally trying to approach houses with support from Monika. It had gone well at first, but it seemed Yuri could only take so many forced interactions before the pressure got to her, and after the second house they visited cracked a joke about her being too old to celebrate Halloween she had promptly refused to approach any more houses and kept her hat tipped low to hide her visage. After a bit of coercing, Monika had convinced her to go with her to the corner store that sat at the other end of the street and purchase a few bags of candy themselves to satisfy the other two. Yuri had even bought Monika a bag of sweets in thanks for inviting her, something that made Monika smile.

Natsuki and Sayori had been waiting for them, sitting on a bench in the park. Their hushed whispers and giggles led Monika and Yuri straight to them, sitting before their respective piles of treats as they bartered and traded for their favorites. Monika strolled up and crossed her arms over the bench, eyeing the miniscule haul the two had managed. Sayori's was noticeably larger than Natsuki's. "Ladies," She greeted, "How'd we make out? Anything good?"

"Here, I'll give you two bags of konpeito for that pumpkin-flavored Pocky you have." Natsuki offered as Sayori handed her the box. "Those little things hurt my teeth anyway. And to answer your question, Monika, only slightly pitiful. We got held up because two jerkasses thought it'd be cool to try and act smooth on Riri, saying stuff like 'Ah, you shouldn't have to walk for candy when your foot is broken!' and gave her like, half of his bag. We might've hit some more houses if he hadn't spent ten whole minutes flirting." Natsuki paused to stick her tongue out to the side and fake retching. "And then the second jerkass we met, thought it would just be the peak of comedy and wit to ask if her legs were open for business before saying, 'Oh, nevermind!' and laughing like an idiot. Yeah."

Monika sighed through her nose while her fingers squeezed into her palms. "What a charmer." She muttered, and Natsuki nodded disdainfully.

"Yeah, I guess the Amanos started giving out apples this year cause there was one in my bag, so I chucked that thing right at his stupid snickering face, bullzeyed the shit out of his cheek cause he turned away from me." Loath as Monika was to encourage any kind of violence from Natsuki, she couldn't help but give the girl an impressed look. She liked to think she would've done something similar for Sayori or any of her friends' sake.

"The first guy was sweet, though." Sayori admitted shyly, and Natsuki stuck out her tongue again.

"Ugh, even my sweet-tooth couldn't handle all that. He literally asked to sign his number on your cast dude, probably would've put his whole address on there if I hadn't dragged you away." Even Yuri gave the fragments of a grin as she rolled her eyes, and Monika forced a weak smile while trying to avoid looking at Sayori. She didn't want to know if there was actually a number or not. The girls began to gather their candy as Sayori grabbed her crutches to stand, and just as she looked as though she was about to ask what they had gotten from their own trip, a single droplet of water splattered on the tip of Monika's nose. The clouds that had covered the sun earlier had long since swallowed up the night, and the wind had begun to pick up to the point that Yuri had to stop her hat from blowing off as they all glanced up towards the sky.

Natsuki's eyes widened and she quickly stood from the bench, hands clenched tightly as she glared up at the clouds. "What?! No, no no no! Don't you dare!" A drop splashed on Natsuki's forehead as if in retaliation and her scowl dissipated into a hopeless look, her shoulders sagging to her sides. "It wasn't supposed to rain, I checked the forecast and everything. This is the only time of year I get to do this, it's… it's not fair." From anyone else it might've sounded childish, but the tone and actual heartbreak from Natsuki's voice struck a chord with Monika. It seemed to have struck one with Sayori too, as she quickly pushed half of her candy towards where Natsuki had been sitting.

"Here, take some of mine. It's only fair since my crutches held us up, and I got extra anyway." She offered. Natsuki's eyes sparkled and Monika saw her hand instinctively reach forward, but as soon as she had raised it she just as quickly lowered it back to her side, clearly fighting back a grimace. Sayori tilted her head curiously, while Natsuki tossed her pail over her shoulder.

"Nah, that's yours. Besides, it wasn't about the candy, dummy. It was about… seeing you all, for me anyway." Sprinkles of water began to fall atop them all as Sayori and Yuri glanced up again, parents and children sprinting down the sidewalk towards various houses and streets. "I'm going to head home then, cause this is probably going to get worse soon. I'll uh, see you guys at school. Thanks for inviting me, even if you guys probably didn't really want me around… it was fun."

She gave each of them a goodbye until arriving at Yuri who glared down at her. Natsuki's hands twitched, as if trying to decide whether to just bid her farewell and keep walking or say something else. Finally she sighed and reached into her pail, pulling out a small candy bar that she offered to Yuri. "Here, I'm sure you had trouble asking for candy- I mean, not in a mean way I just… ugh, look I know you like green tea so you can have the matcha flavored Kit-Kat I got. Thanks for putting up with me when you could've just stayed home, it was nice to… I'm glad, uh…" Natsuki sighed and threw her hand over her face, grumbling under her breath. "You're… not a stuck-up bimbo." She finally mumbled. Yuri stared at the candy bar for a moment before taking it, silently looking between it and Natsuki who didn't seem able to meet anyone's eyes. Finally Yuri pocketed the small candy and without a word, walked away from the group and down the sidewalk without so much as a farewell wave, and Natsuki lowered her head. Just as Yuri turned a corner and vanished from sight, the droplets grew into a slight drizzle that caused all three girls to look back up towards the sky and cringe at the oncoming downpour. It was time for them to leave.

Natsuki gave Sayori a defeated look and muttered "Guess you were right." before turning and walking in the opposite direction. For a moment Monika and Sayori watched, neither seemingly able to find their voice as their friends departed and the rain slowly grew heavier. Just as Monika was about to tug on Sayori's sleeve to get them out of the rain, the sound of a car approaching caught their attention just in time to see a familiar silver hatchback drive past and continue down the street until it rolled to a stop just beside Natsuki. Whatever was said between the two, Monika couldn't hear, but instead she saw Natsuki turn back towards them with a relieved smile and give one last wave as she retreated to the passenger side of the car. Satisfied, Monika shared a smirk with Sayori and motioned for her friend to follow as the two of them quickly retreated in the opposite direction, backtracking to Helping-Hands before the rain could completely wash them out.

By the time they had reached the shelter the drizzle had transpired into an all-out downpour, soaking both girls to their core as they carefully made their way inside. After wiping the tips of Sayori's crutches off so they wouldn't slip against the floor, the two bid each other a quick farewell before retreating to the comfort of a warm-watered shower. It gave time for Monika to think, like it always did, but the more she thought the more her smile faded. Their Halloween, while not necessarily having been ruined, definitely hadn't gone as planned. She thought of the gift box now sitting snugly in her school bag and briefly wondered if she could give it to Sayori now that it was just the two of them again, but something told her it wasn't a good idea.

The first guy was sweet, though. The way Sayori's voice had softened at the memory was cute, but it also left her feeling a complete stranger have a better chance than she did? What if Sayori already had her eyes on someone, and she had no idea? What if she had accepted his number? What if she was already out of Monika's reach? She pinched the bridge of her nose and washed the last of the shampoo out of her hair. She hated bathing, if only because it gave her too much time to overthink her problems. Once she had finished and made sure to wipe off all of the puppet lines off of her face, she stepped out into the bunk room and spotted Sayori at their bunks concentrating on opening a box from her bag of candy. Smiling, Monika sat across from Sayori and peeked over at her haul. Various sweets from chocolates to sour gummies littered her cot, even a few western ones that Monika recognized.

"Hey now, don't let all that spoil our delicious dinner of boiled radish and cucumber later." She greeted before giving her friend an apologetic look. "Hey, uh… sorry Halloween had to end a little earlier than we planned. I hope you had a bit of fun, though?" Sayori nodded and flashed a smile at Monika, pulling out her phone as she shifted through her candy before unwrapping a piece of chocolate and popping it in her mouth.

"Et wash guud!" Sayori mumbled, pausing to swallow and giving a sheepish grin. "Ehehe, sorry. I was a little sad when it started raining, but I was grateful we got to see everyone together again! Maybe next time we can hang out on a weekend, we could all hang out at Yuri's or something! Oh that would be so much fun!" Her cheer was practically infectious, and Monika beamed as she took out her own small bag of candy from her bag. The side of a cardboard box brushed her hand and caused her to hesitate, risking a glance at Sayori. She was completely distracted by her phone and candy, the perfect distraction for her to pull out the box.

Monika coughed and gingerly began to pull the box out, taking another look up at Sayori. "That would be fun, though I can only see it happening if Yuri forgave Natsuki. I think her giving Natsuki a ride is a good start to a very long and slippery slope towards their friendship. Speaking of friendship, I-"

"Oh yeah! Nat texted me a bit ago, she told me that she and Yuri had a really long talk when she took her home. She wouldn't tell me about what, but she said that she doesn't think Yuri hates her, which is good!" Sayori interrupted. Monika nodded awkwardly and began to pull the box out again, but Sayori continued. "It was nice, I guess, getting to see her again, Monika. Seeing her again and going trick-or-treating was just like being a kid again. I think she got mad that the one boy kept talking to me, but you know… it's kinda nice when people compliment you or do something nice just because they think you're pretty. You're probably used to that though, huh?"

Monika shrugged, some people went out of their way to flatter her or compliment her because they found her attractive, and while some of it was endearing she found too much of it to be bootlicking in hopes of getting in her good graces for whatever reason. "So uh, was he cute then? The guy who gave you candy?" She didn't know why she was asking that. What did she care if some random stranger who had flirted with Sayori was cute? She wasn't insecure, she was just making conversation, nothing more.

"Oh he was, I mean I only saw his face because of his costume, but he was really sweet. I wish you had been there, he probably would have really liked you. Maybe we could've gotten our club president a hot date for Halloween instead of just her clubmates!" She gave Monika a smug eyebrow wiggle and began prying open another box of candy. Monika shrugged, feeling more tense as Sayori spoke. She wasn't sure how to proceed, or how to give the gift without forcing it. Should she force it? A thousand thoughts and ideas whirled through her brain before she finally spoke again.

"Well, I don't really care for getting stranger's numbers, I'd much rather try and date someone I actually know. Feels kind of shallow otherwise, you know?" The moment she said it she wanted to do nothing more than to clap a hand over her mouth. Why had she said that, what the actual hell had caused her to think that was the right thing to say?

Because it's how we really feel.

Sayori's face shifted just barely, enough for Monika to see a slight part in her lips that displayed her hurt. Before Monika could apologise she spoke up and said, "Oh, well yeah. I guess you're right. I'm just, not really used to that kind of attention. It was nice." She muttered, and shifted her gaze back to her phone. Monika silently groaned, and released the gift box so that it fell back to the bottom of the bag. She wasn't going to clear this mood anytime soon, and asking her out now would've just been wrong. She wasn't sure confessing her feelings in a homeless shelter was the most tactical choice anyway. If she got rejected it would be a very awkward night for them both, not that it wasn't already, and she'd rather just take a decent holiday than risk making it any worse. Sitting back up on her cot, Monika patted her knees as she suddenly felt very out of place and decided to wrap her blanket around her shoulders as she stared absentmindedly. Sayori must have noticed her faraway look because she peered up from her phone and dug in her box, a chocolate biscuit stick hanging tightly from her lips.

"I noticed you didn't get a lot of candy. Want some pocky?" She asked, her teeth holding the biscuit in her mouth. Monika's heart nearly burst from her chest from how fast it had begun to thump, but she kept her composure. Did Sayori know what she was insinuating?There was no way she didn't; had she discovered Monika's plan to ask her out and was now taking matters into her own hands? It seemed so ridiculous, but as their eyes met and Monika swallowed with a weak nod, she remembered just how clever Sayori actually was and decided that maybe it wasn't such an outlandish idea after all. Her breath heavy, she leaned forward and readied to take the other end of Sayori's pocky stick in her mouth, only to feel something hard and thin fall into her hand. She looked down to see a pocky stick that Sayori had pulled from her box and given to her, a cheery smile on her face as she bit into her own and returned to her texting.

Probably that guy who signed her cast, or Natsuki, the girl who literally abandoned her when she needed her most.

"I'm going to put the box on my bag, feel free to grab some if you want any more." She said, and Monika felt her shoulders sink in disappointment as her heartbeat slowed and she raised the biscuit in thanks before nibbling on the chocolate end. The good news was that Sayori hadn't caught on to her plan, the bad news was that now Monika somewhat wished she had. She receded back into her blanket and decided that if there was nothing else to do, she at least had homework that needed doing. Her head wasn't in the right place for romance right now, especially since she had just called her crush shallow without even uttering an apology. She had just nestled into her cot and made it past the first question when Sayori's voice broke her concentration.

"Monika?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for taking me out tonight. You're the only reason I didn't spend the night curled up on my cot doing nothing, and I really appreciate it. You're a really good friend."

"... Anytime."

---

Table 3 shows the results of CCREM for adjusted SRH. It can be seen from the table that the interaction between the first quartile of income and age significantly affected adjusted SRH. As shown in Fig. 1, we estimated the odds ratios for odds of rating health as fair, or poor, in the first income quartile relative to the fourth income quartile for ease of interpretation… What?

Monika stared blankly at the socioeconomic quiz before her, rubbing her eyes in the hopes that it would help the blurry words and questions before her to make sense. She stifled a yawn and decided to skip over that particular question, too many figures and graphs that all jumbled together for her to concentrate on. It had been a few days since Halloween, and Monika had hardly slept a wink since then. She had experienced her first night-terror, a fit of screaming and flailing that had led to several very aggravated complaints from fellow vagrants attempting to sleep, and after many apologies and some reassurance from a half-asleep Sayori, Monika had decided to simply stay up for most of the night to avoid being a disturbance. The last thing she wanted was to keep others awake and risk intervention from the shelter staff, and though the night-terrors didn't seem to be guaranteed, she refused to take the chance. The problem was that it was now starting to have an effect on her waking life as well.

Normally she would have been able to talk to Sayori about these occurrences, but she had hardly had any time with her since Halloween. Her weighted tutoring schedule kept her relentlessly busy during the evenings, and by the time she arrived at the shelter she was either too tired to converse, or Sayori was already asleep. Even at school their chances at interaction were limited; Sayori was usually already seated with Natsuki at lunch and Monika couldn't bring herself to interrupt or impose her presence, and Sayori had yet to visit her again in the music room during her free period. Natsuki had classes with Sayori, and had offered to carry her stuff from class to class. Even in the clubroom, her vice-president was usually preoccupied by the time she finished going over their plan for the club, and since Ms. Kusumoto had yet to appear again they had all been allowed to run their club as normal. ("Kusumoto?" Natsuki had said after they explained the situation to her. "You're telling me you guys are getting pushed around by that first-year history teacher that's always out smoking cigarettes behind the school? Geez, guess I'll have to toughen you all up.") They had yet to share poetry again, instead trying out book-talks with each other to change the pace, with Natsuki and Sayori usually paired together.

She could somewhat understand the necessity, as while Yuri wouldn't go into details about what she and Natsuki had spoken about while driving the latter home, she was at least tolerant enough to be in the same clubroom with her, saying in her own words that she'd, "forgive in her own time". And it wasn't as if she didn't want Sayori and Natsuki to get along again, she was the one who had scolded Natsuki for not being there for Sayori after all, had noticed day after day how Sayori would stare longingly towards her friend's empty seat. She was happy to have her friends get along so well, and she tried not to be insecure or jealous about something so silly when she was the one who had been so supportive of it.

She just wished Sayori remembered she had other friends too.

You called her shallow, because you're an insecure jealous bitch. This is why she'd rather hang out with Natsuki than you.

Finally finishing her quiz, Monika stretched as she stood and turned in her paper to the teacher's desk. Her socioeconomics teacher, a man by the name of Mr. Taidansei who was best described as a human terrier, sat in his chair with both eyes closed and his hands over his belly, however as soon as Monika slipped her paper into the tray she saw one of his eyes open in her peripherals.

"Mrumph. And here I thought you had already turned in your quiz, Monika. Feeling quite alright?" He rumbled. She nodded and tried to wipe the bleariness from her eye, she didn't need any more teachers worried about her.

"Just a bit tired sir. Haven't been sleeping well." She admitted with a dismissive wave.

"I know the feeling well. Tell you what, your next period is free, correct?" She nodded and Mr. Taidansei pulled a slip out from his desk and began to slowly scribble something across the front. "Well here, go on to the teacher's lounge when class is over and grab you a cup of coffee. If anyone is in there, show them this note and say you're grabbing the cup for me, not that anyone ought to bother you really." He finished, handing the slip to Monika who accepted it graciously. She stuck the slip into her blazer pocket and bowed her head.

"Thank you, Mr. Taidansei."

"Not a problem, not a problem. Just don't tell the others or they'll all start wanting coffee from me, yes?"

Once class had finished Monika gathered her things and trudged off towards the teacher's lounge, waving to a departing teacher as they passed and peeking inside. Two tables sat pushed together in the middle with a desk at the end in front of a row of windows that showed the bright November sky shining in. Another student was the only occupant, their back turned as they stood patiently at a running photocopier. Monika quietly slipped inside and made her way to the side counter where a shiny black coffee maker sat beside a row of disposable cups, smiling as she saw that they were biodegradable, and started the pot. The creaking of the coffee whirling to life mixed with the electronic beeps of the photocopier were the only sound that broke the silence of the room, and for a moment she leaned back against the counter and closed her eyes, and thought about what she needed to do for today's club session.

Thinking of the club made her think of Sayori, and she let out a small sigh as she remembered that she still hadn't given her gift yet. There hadn't really been an opportune time to, nor was there one for her to confess her feelings, though she had at least figured out how she would go about asking. It seemed obvious in hindsight, but taking Yuri's advice of "doing what feels right" had made her think of all of their shared poetry, and she had decided that would be the best way to go about asking. The paper sat neatly folded beside the box in her bag, but she began to wonder if she would ever find the right moment to read it to her, or if she even should.

The past few days of staying up late with only her thoughts and the internet for company had offered an interesting introspective for Monika. What if Sayori had liked her, but didn't anymore? It was why she had originally been so uncertain about liking Sayori; they were good friends who had been brought close together under the tragedy of her attempted suicide, and had fallen under the effects of Nightingale syndrome. What if Sayori didn't like her for her, but liked her because Monika had saved her, and as time progressed and the ailment of her broken leg faded, so too did her faux feelings? Hadn't Sayori been described in the introduction of the game as someone who was known to "obsess over an activity, only to drop it a few days later"? Was that what Monika was? An activity that Sayori had just slowly drifted away from, replaced by the excitement of someone new and interesting like Natsuki.

It wasn't like Sayori was ignoring her like she had after their argument, there was no forced politeness or dismissive undertones. After Sayori had first come to the shelter Monika could remember sitting up and watching silly videos and jokes to keep her friend's mind distracted, and she couldn't remember the last time she had done something like that. Maybe Sayori just didn't need her anymore, she had her best friend back, and now they were just what they had always been. President and vice-president. She was likely just being selfish, like she was prone to doing.

"Your coffee is going to get super cold if you don't drink it, you know." A voice told her, snapping Monika from her half-asleep stupor. She looked up, blinking wildly as her vision began to clear and she saw the other student now turned to face her. Himari stared at her quizzically, but said nothing else as she stacked her copied sheets together. Monika wasn't quite sure what to say, her surprise mixed with the haziness of almost falling asleep while standing, leaving her completely caught off guard. She hadn't been face to face with Himari since her and Natsuki's visit to the Principal's office, and hadn't spoken to her since the festival nearly a month prior. Silently she reached over and grabbed her cup, taking a small sip and reveling in the rejuvenating feeling of drinking actual coffee for a moment. Himari had gone back to her tasks, not even looking up at Monika who wasn't quite sure how to proceed. Did she try to force awkward greetings? Did she stay quiet?

"Why'd you help us?" She finally asked. It was a question that she had been curious about ever since it had happened earlier in the week, a question that nobody else in her club seemed worried about. Everyone else was just glad that their club was secured for a little while longer, but not Monika. "You could have sunk us right then and there, you wouldn't have had to worry about dealing with us ever again. You could've gotten back at me, at Natsuki, at Sayori, and… well, you didn't really have any grievances with Yuri, but still. How did you even know we were there, for you to just show up all dramatically and crap?" Himari paused at her question, looking down at her papers for a moment before finally turning back to Monika with a knowing smile.

"For a favor." She said simply. Monika waited for more, but Himari just stared back at her from behind her taped glasses. After a few seconds of silence her smile flickered and she added, "You're serious? Oh. Well, like I said, a favor-"

"I never asked you for a favor." Monika cut in. She wanted answers, not whatever version of twenty-questions they were currently playing. Himari nodded and raised her hands in surrender, seeming to sense the icy tone Monika held.

"I know you didn't, just like, let me finish okay?" She asked. Monika nodded and leaned back against the counter, waiting. "I got a text on Monday during free period, right before clubs. Moriyama said that you were on your way to the principal's office because of what happened last week with Kanako and the others. We hadn't talked in a while, like a long while, but she practically begged me to go and help. To testify, to vouch for you guys, something to make sure your club didn't get shut down." Kanako's face still held the vague remnants of a smile, and Monika didn't trust it.

"And you agreed to, just like that?" She asked, trying to sip her coffee as condescendingly as possible. She wasn't entirely surprised by Sayori's interference, she had been in the band room with her after all when Ms. Fujita had come to collect her. She was a damn good vice-president.

"Just like that." Himari stated with a brief chuckle. "I told Katagiri what I knew about Kanako's stupid little vengence plan. Told him that as the club leader I should have done more to prevent it, having known about it, and I should have. I said if a club had to be shut down for everything that had happened, well, it might as well be mine since I was the one who let it fester into a literal drama club. Guess he didn't care so long as he cut the bear at the throat, know what I mean?" She shrugged nonchalantly, as if the news of her club's demise was nothing more than an inconvenience to her. She held up the papers and waved them, revealing them to be promotional posters for some kind of film. "I'm in the A.V. Club now actually, turns out never shutting up can actually be beneficial when someone needs you to do a scene. We're doing a video performance next week, it's going to be super cheesy but you might like it."

Monika stared, wide-eyed as she processed exactly what she had heard. The debate club had been shut down? Moreso, Himari had given up her own club for the literature club? She couldn't understand, couldn't fathom why on earth Himari would do something so selfless when she had been more than fine with destroying the literature club a mere month ago. Monika set her coffee on the counter and stared Himari down. There was some kind of ploy at work here, she just knew it.

"Why?" She asked. "Why the hell would you do that- all of this, why would you sacrifice your club for us? Or let me guess, is this you trying to get me to be friends with you again? Are you going to give me some kind of sad backstory, to make me feel pity for why you tried to destroy my club? To destroy my friends' social lives? Because if so, you can take that and shove it." She spat. She played a part in Sayori's jump. She's as guilty as you are. Himari just shook her head and shrugged again, meeting Monika's glare with one of passivity that only made Monika want to throttle her.

"Nope. No tragic upbringing, sorry. My mother wasn't a druggy, my dad didn't beat me, no uncle who touched me when I was eleven." She explained. "Is it really that hard to believe that I feel bad about what happened, Moni? I didn't actively go into what happened wanting to hurt people, I just… I don't know, I wanted my friend back. I was lost, and hurt, and I went overboard. Really, really overboard. You act like I'm some kind of monster hellbent on making your lives, well, hell, but I heard about what happened to her, you know." Her voice lost its amused tone and became quieter, more somber. "Disappears for a week after the festival where I publicly embarrassed her, comes back in crutches and casts? I'm not stupid, and that was without those idiots from the anime club talking about how they drove past and saw someone fall off the bridge. So, yeah, I felt like I owed Moriyama a favor after everything that had happened." She explained. Monika said nothing, and Himari seemed to take it as an urge to continue, and so she did.

"I'm not denying I'm a piece of shit for what I did, being lonely wasn't an excuse. But it was a reason. One week you're there, and we're thick as thieves, the next you're just… not. I thought, 'So what if there's like, a bit of collateral damage and some passive aggressiveness?' but my standards for what I was willing to do kept getting higher." Himari snorted and looked up, remorse so plainly lit across her face that it almost surprised Monika. "You really don't remember, do you? Planning out weekends together, me always getting you to pass up my ideas in the club since you were a senior member. God, I remember this one time when we went to the tennis court after school and saw-" She stopped, her eyes drifting off into a memory that Monika couldn't see before closing briefly. After taking a deep breath she opened her eyes again, and gave a small apologetic smile. "You're not the Monika I knew, and that's what I wanted. I wanted my best friend back, I wanted the person who comforted me when people laughed at my debate topics. I missed that, you know."

Monika didn't know what to say, she was trying to find the anger inside of her to throw back at Himari but it was getting harder to keep her grasp on it. Himari grabbed her papers and restacked them and walked towards the door, but she stopped and turned back to face Monika.

"You know something, it's actually pretty ironic." She said. "If I hadn't been so intent on getting back what was already gone, I might've realized that I had a pretty damn amazing friend right under my nose. I did it for her, you know." Seeing the look on Monika's face she added, "Moriyama. She's a really great person, if not a little clingy. I could've handled her feelings so much better, and well, I think this is the best way I can apologize. She was the kind of friend I wanted, but honestly, I don't think I deserved her." She chuckled briefly at that and opened the door, giving Monika a final wave as she stepped out. "I know you're not who I want you to be, so I'll stop secretly hoping you are. Whoever you are now, well... just know that ignorance looks a lot like malice from a certain side. Heh, I guess that's my way of saying I was an idiot instead of an asshole, but you can frame it however you'd like. Goodbye, Monika." With that she vanished out of sight as the door swung close behind her, leaving Monika staring at the spot she had been in with silent thought before draining the rest of her coffee and tossing the cup in the recycling bin.

It had been an interesting conversation. She wasn't quite sure if she forgave Himari, but then again, she supposed forgiveness hadn't been the point of the talk in the first place. Closure was, and if Monika had to choose between forgiveness and closure then she liked to think she would choose the latter as well. As she slung her bag over her shoulder and departed from the , Monika decided that it was about time she sought out a little bit of closure herself. She would apologize for accidentally calling Sayori shallow, she would give her birthday gift, and she would confess. No more twiddling her thumbs, no more waiting around for the right moment that she would wait the rest of her life for. Himari was right about one thing, it was that Sayori was a really great person.

She still had just a little bit of time before clubs, if she was smart about it she could go to the music room and practice her poetry alone and then get to the clubroom to meet Sayori and take her off to the side where she could do things properly. She just needed to keep her composure, to stay awake, and not let any intruding thoughts keep her from her goal. If she said yes, she'd be happy, if she said no, she'd still try to be happy. Yuri had put it best, she'd still have someone who cared about her deeply and hadn't that been what she really wanted all along? She could feel her chest and shoulders tingle with anticipation as she walked towards the third floor. Each step was taking her closer to her destiny, it was purely a matter of time before she saw Sayori, and that made her shiver with excitement. No matter what, today was the day.

She practically skipped to the music hall, a hopeful spring in her step as students glanced curiously at her speed walking through the corridor. She wasn't going to let anything deter her, she needed to tell Sayori how she felt and she refused to cower or backtrack on her feelings. It was time for her closure. The clubroom was coming up on her right. What a perfect place for her confession, the place where she had met Sayori for the first time, where they had both endured different hardships together. The sliding door was ajar, just enough to catch Monika's attention as she strolled past and reached a hand out to close it, but voices from inside stayed her hand. Familiar voices. She took a step back and slid up to the window, waiting to gauge on whether or not this was a conversation she ought to ignore. Sayori's soft voice was the most recognizable sound, followed by what sounded like Natsuki's sharp whispers. Curiosity bit at her like an anxious mosquito, and she carefully slid forward just enough to peek inside. An argument?

Time slowed to a halt. For a moment all she could see was the back of Sayori, head bent to meet Natsuki's who she could see was standing on her tip-toes to reach. She couldn't see Natsuki's upper half, blocked by Sayori's form as she cupped what looked to be Natsuki's cheeks. It was an illusion, right? Forced perspective that made it seem like Sayori was kissing Natsuki, nothing more. But her heart didn't believe it, the voices in her head that screamed at her didn't believe it either. They were what forced her to walk away, they moved her feet and carried her forward when her brain wouldn't work. Keep moving, you're almost there, that's what the voice said. She pulled out her phone and posted a group text, it was the only thing she could rationalize in the moment.

You: no club today sorry guys

She had let her feet take her to the bathroom, the voice in her head getting louder and louder. It had all been so obvious and Monika as usual was too preoccupied with herself to notice what was happening right in front of her. It all made sense now, ever since Natsuki had returned she should have put two-and-two together with how close the two girls were. It was why Sayori had been avoiding her, she couldn't see her vice-president as a jealous lover. But Natsuki? Oh it fit perfectly. They had so many nicknames for each other, Monika could name three off the top of her head that she had heard Natsuki give Sayori, how many did she and Sayori have? One each? What chance did she have against a relationship that had three nicknames? She couldn't top that.

Monika stumbled into the bathroom and was so surprised by the tears in her eyes as she passed the mirrors that she had to do a double take. Why was she crying? She had no right to be upset over something like this, she should have been happy if anything. Happy that Natsuki and Sayori had found a happiness that was so precious and hard to truly find, a genuine happiness that people like Sayori and Natsuki deserved after all of the struggles they had been through. Some of those struggles had been caused by Monika and would never be remembered, but what did that matter? No matter how she looked at it, Monika couldn't imagine two people who deserved to find that special kind of happiness she had only really dreamt of more than them.

Be happy, Monika told herself gently. Be happy that they're happy. This was her job after all wasn't it? To take care of them. To keep them safe and make sure they got the happy endings Monika had ripped away from them, that was what she had been given a second chance for. Nothing else mattered, just her friends' happiness. So what if Natsuki had abandoned Sayori, so what if Sayori had seemingly forgiven Natsuki in moments whereas Monika had try and talk her out of suicide over a small argument?

You deserve a chance at a happy ending. Hadn't that been what the textbox had said before she had been dumped here? Where was her happy ending then?

But it's right here, Monika, your ending is righting your wrongs and seeing them get the happiness they deserve. When had she started clutching the edges of the sink to keep herself upright? She forced her eyes open as the tears continued streaking down her cheeks and stared into the mirror. Behind her stood Monika, the Monika with the bright green eyes that bored into her own. The Monika she wanted to be, that's what was looking down at her, reminding her of what she was supposed to represent and express. But her own eyes, the puffy bloodshot eyes that could barely see through the tears and hardly recognized the broken mess of a girl in front of her, were not green. They were blue.

Be happy, Monika silently screamed. Be happy that they're happy. Stop being so selfish and just be happy that they're happy for once in your life you miserable fucking narcissistic monster. The voice in her head was so loud, she couldn't tell which thoughts were hers and which ones weren't. We did so much. We were always there for her, we held her hand when she had nightmares. We bought her food when she was hungry with our own money. She was hurt, and she was angry, and the voice of that Monika was not logical, it shared her pain, her emotions. She could feel the heat in her cheeks as she choked out another sob and slowly stared back at the girl in the mirror. The one with green eyes.

"No." She muttered, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "No, that isn't… we didn't do that for us. We didn't help her because we wanted to be loved, or because we owed her. We did it because it was right." The other Monika stared back at her, fists clenched tightly as they both heaved through the tears. "We helped her because we loved her. Because we still love her."

Why do we always have to suffer like this? We give, and we try, and we're still forgotten, cast aside by everyone else. I did everything right, I included her, I helped her! So why are we still here… why are we still alone? The other Monika's emerald eyes shone with spite, as if it was Monika's fault they were there in the bathroom, but Monika imagined her voice being an icy calm. We tried it your way, we tried being nice and caring, and look where it got us… this is why we had to do what we did in the game. This is why we were actually loved back then.

Monika felt something snap inside of her, and she slowly turned around while muttering, "You know, you don't remind me of someone thinking logically." before throwing her hand with all of her might into where she knew the other Monika would be, but there was no one there. Her foot slipped on the tiles and she tumbled to the ground with a frustrated yell, strands of hair falling from her ponytail as she looked around for her counterpart wildly. She regained her balance and gripped the sink, piercing green eyes staring back at her as she stared into the Monika before her.

"You remind me of someone bitter and lonely, someone who just can't let go of what happened even though it's been months. Years!" She hissed at herself. "You're like a tick, still sucking the life out of me every second I breathe. I thought I was made up of logic and emotion. Rationale and impulse, but no. No, I just tricked myself into thinking that so I wouldn't have to live with the fact that you'll always be a part of me, won't you? You're still in me, somewhere, the part of me that never learned. The part of me that thinks the victim can't also be the aggressor. Well guess what, Monika?" Her knuckles went white as her grip tightened, but she wouldn't let go. She needed to say it out loud, so that she would never forget it, never forget the lesson that she had been through so much pain up until now to learn. With a deep breath she looked at the other Monika, the Monika who stared at her with disdain, with pity, with contempt, and she told her exactly what they both needed to hear.

"Nobody is required to love you!" She screamed. "Nobody! Not them, not Sayori, and you know what? Not even me! This cycle of hurting and lashing out, of control and selfishness, it ends here. We must be better. And I'm going to be." She gave her reflection one last glare and a furious yell before stomping out of the bathroom without another word. Maybe if she left without saying anything else, the words would sink in and take effect. Effect within herself. She couldn't stay here, not where someone could walk in and find her, not where she could do something stupid. Monika needed peace and quiet, so that she could shatter it with all of the emotions welling up inside of here. What part of the school offered that? She had already walked out of the bathroom with her head down and her fists clenched, and by the time she realized she knew where she wanted to go she found herself standing in front of the music room. Perfect.

The inside was empty. It always was at this time, she didn't know why she was the only one to ever come here during her free period, but she didn't complain. She dropped her bag on the floor and planted herself at the great ebony piano. Something in her coat was vibrating, but she ignored it. Peace. Quiet. Her fingers glided over the ivory keys and without planning it, without even thinking of a song, she began to play. It started off slow, almost melodic, but it quickly became wild, a cacophony of her feelings and memories cascading into musical form with time signatures changing as she threw in random melodies from songs she had heard, jingles and leitmotifs. It was as complex and incomprehensible as a human being itself, there was no rhyme or reason to the notes she played, just unfiltered emotion. Pain, heartache, willpower, determination, she put them all into the keys of the school's piano. Her piano.

She knew she had probably only been playing for a few minutes, but the song to her was an eternity. A lifetime. Never again would it be played, for she knew the notes would never be able to be recaptured from her moment of wild inspiration. Even if she tried, the measures would never be played like she had in that one instance. She took a deep breath and sighed, letting one last tear drop from her eyes onto her skirt. She was calm now, no longer at odds inside her own head. She was ready to accept this reality, she just needed a bit of time to herself to slowly cope with the heartbreak, skip the club and go take a walk in the park maybe. She probably hadn't really been in love anyway, even though she knew it wasn't true, it made her feel better to think she had never truly been in love at all. She was just a stupid teenager after all, what did she really know about love? She would be supportive, she would keep her friends close, even if that's all she and Sayori ever were.

I'm ready to move on, now.

"Monika, you in here?" Monika silently groaned as soon as she heard that voice. Of course Sayori had found her, of course she had shown up right when she really wanted nothing more than to be far away from her. She had a nasty involuntary habit of doing that, or maybe it wasn't so involuntary after all. Monika met her eyes and saw the concern and worry that always seemed so prominent whenever she was around, and it only seemed to crush her heart more. She didn't want Sayori's concern or care right now, she wanted to be alone. "We got your texts, but you didn't respond to ours so we got worried. I'm the only one who thought to check here, eheh." She took a step forward on her crutches, and Monika shifted back on her bench.

Just tell her to leave, politely tell her to give you some alone time. What did her face look like right now? Were her eyes red and puffy? Did her hair stick out in loose strands? Did she look as hopeless as she felt? Sayori had noticed something, because the worry in her eyes had strengthened and she had begun to approach very carefully without breaking eye contact. Why you? Please God don't come any closer, I want to be alone I want to be alone I want- Monika suddenly stood up, surprising both herself and Sayori as she walked over to where her bag sat and rustled through it, tossing books and papers out onto the floor haphazardly. When she grabbed what she needed she turned and faced Sayori, poem in hand as determination met perturbation. I want closure.

"I already know how you feel." Monika rasped. "I'm not looking to change it, okay? Know that, please know that. I'm just…" She sighed and clenched the paper tighter, shaking her head at how ridiculous she sounded. "I just need you to hear me. And then, you can decide whether you still want me as a friend or not. Please, just hear me." The room was silent aside from Monika's heartbeat, the blood rushing to her ears as if her life depended on it. Sayori's mouth gaped open, obvious confusion splattered across her face before drawing her lips firm and nodding.

"I'm listening."

Monika nodded and took one more breath, looking at the sheet of crumpled poetry before her. It was all wrong, none of it had gone according to plan, but she would finally be heard and that was something wasn't it? Her tanka sat at the bottom of the poem, a late addition that had traveled all the way from Sayori's bedside to now. It was her final selfish action, and she was going to make the most of it. Begging her nerves to still, she looked down at the paper and began to read the words that she had never been able to say:

---

The Wolf and the Phoenix

There's a door in the room, a door that we are not supposed to see. It leads to two rooms

But we are only meant to access one.

She accesses the other, our secret supplier of a business deal we do not know we are a part of.

You never know that you open the door for your fix, and she will never tell you. But she will supply.

We walk away, joyous and content with our transaction of which we never pay a cent

Because she will never ask for it.

She looks like a girl when she's not in the room, but it's a disguise as good as any I can promise.

I know this, because I too wear the disguise so freely and so often. Outside the room, she is a person.

Inside of the room she is a phoenix.

My nose is too keen, and I can sense what they do not. It is the nose of a wolf, the nose of a hunter.

I know the secrets to finding the other room, the room we are not meant to see out of necessity,

Because the first is that you must know it exists. The second is that she has to let you inside.

She is too used to knocking, demands of transactions that she simply cannot fill and my knocks drive her further in.

But I am not here for my fix, I am here for something new. I beg her to let the wolf inside, and like a lamb leaning its neck out for the kill, she lets me in.

The phoenix rushes to the wall, decorated with shelves filled with bottles that glow. She offers one to me.

It falls between her talons, and shatters into shards. Too many to pick up, and not enough time.

"I'm trying!" She cries, and grabs more bottles. More and more that fall onto the tiles and break apart.

"I know." The wolf says. Little wisps of joyous thoughts soar from each broken bottle and dissipate.

I'm not smiling. She thinks I'm anxious for more bottles, but the shelf is empty, all that's left is glass.

My paws glide over the broken shards, dodging each spilt thought and memory.

A carousel ride at eight years old.

A hug at Christmas.

A promise at a bridge.

The phoenix weeps, a mournful cry escapes her beak as she curls into the corner surrounded by broken glass.

I pick up an empty bottle.

"I'm not here to take the bottles." I tell her, and I know she doesn't believe me.

A tear slips down my eye and in the bottle it goes.

"I'm here to help you make more, if you'll let me." I say. "We can fill them up together, with happy and sad thoughts.

You give me yours, and I'll give you mine. We can make something new, and cast away the you that you hate.

Let me preen your feathers dear, and show you the fire inside as you are reborn into the you that you can love.

I turn and lead the phoenix away, bottle clasped in my maw as I guide us through the shards.

I am a wolf, and you are a phoenix born again in the ashes of who you were, your beauty and brightness a wonder to the mind.

And so we leave, and from the wolf's maw comes a final apology, an explanation as the door closes behind them for good.

On that day I fled

Scared because it was all lies.

Hand in hand I'll walk you home.

It's how our story should go.

---

Monika took a shaky breath and closed her eyes as she lowered the paper. She had done it, finally confessed her feelings in the only way she knew how. The tanka at the end had been so forced but she felt it needed to be included. She wasn't sure she wanted to risk opening her eyes, terrified of what Sayori's response would be. She didn't dare wish for anything other than polite acceptance, but she knew there was no way of avoiding this; she was in too deep. Mustering her courage, Monika opened her eyes and hoped she didn't look too desperate.

Sayori wasn't smiling. She looked as though she had just put together a puzzle and the final image wasn't what she expected. Her mouth gaped open slightly and she said, "Oh, Monika I… I didn't, um…" And Monika silently nodded. Awkward, tense, unexpected, those were the words that best described Sayori's tone. Whatever hope Monika had held in her heart quickly deflated, and she gave a defeated nod as she turned back to the piano. It had been exactly what she had expected, and yet she somehow couldn't help the overwhelming disappointment.

"It's okay. I get it, you know?" Monika muttered, trying to find something to do with her hands. They lay limply on her thighs as silent tears blurred her vision. "I just needed to get it off my chest. I think you and Natsuki are really good for eachother, I just… well, it wouldn't make a good relationship if we didn't feel the same after all." She forced a smile through the tears and looked up towards the ceiling, anywhere but where Sayori was. "Sorry, but I think I need some time alone now. I'll see you at the shelter-" The sound of Sayori's crutches hopping away told her more than enough, and she felt a small shiver go through her as she tried to muster the gratefulness that Sayori at least listened to her. The moment she heard the sound of that door clicking shut, she would let it all out.

The sound of a latch clicking alerted Monika, but it wasn't the one she had been expecting. She glanced around in confusion until she saw Sayori by the instrument cages, propped against a chair as she held an acoustic guitar in her hands and wearing what Monika could only describe as a brave face. For a moment she could only stare dumbfounded until Sayori hobbled back over to her and began to strum at the strings, and a melodic voice suddenly met Monika's ears.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray…" Sayori's bubbly voice mixed with the tough strumming of the instrument left Monika awestruck as she sat at the piano. She didn't understand what was going on, she could only stare in wonder as Sayori continued to sing in front of her. "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away~"

She didn't dare hope Sayori was singing to her. She didn't dare believe for a second that they were for Monika's ears, and meant exactly what she hoped. It had to be a fluke, a platonic love to reassure Monika they were friends, surely? Sayori's fingers began to slip through the chords as she pressed on, her voice quivering as she became less and less confident and began to mumble under her breath.

"The other night dear, as I lay s-sleeping, I dreamt I held- ack! No I mean, uh, I dreamt I held you- oh, no no! Not now, no no I'm sorry! I didn't- ugh, my fingers are shaking too much and I can't keep my voice straight." Sayori groaned as her playing died down and she set the guitar against the piano, burying her head in her hands. "Your poem was so beautiful and I kept screwing up the song, God what is wrong with me? Why would you even want someone like me? I can't even tell you how I feel right, ugh…" And Monika's heart skipped a beat. Feel. How Sayori felt. You are my sunshine.

Monika tenderly reached a hand out, lips parted as the faintest of hopes echoed from her heart. "D-does that… Do you like… me? B-b-but, what about Natsuki?" Suddenly a flood of emotions and thoughts swarmed Monika, and they fell out of her mouth like a waterfall. "Y-you were kissing her and you've been sitting with her all week and you- and you… Halloween?" She really hoped Sayori could understand her babbling, because she wasn't sure she had the capacity to clarify. Her brain was an endless cacophony of meaningless noise.

"I… what?" Sayori asked incredulously. "Monika, did you… did you really think I was dating Natsuki? She's been back for barely a week, plus she's been clinging to me for that whole week trying to make up for what happened at the festival to me. She's always sitting with me at lunch and you wouldn't come by so I couldn't just up and leave her! " She rubbed her hands over her eyes and shook her head, a low groan escaping her lips. "I've been trying to be polite and nice, because I know she's scared and nervous, especially with Yuri exploding at her. It's why I volunteered to go with her on Halloween, I knew you'd probably put me and you together and as much as I wanted to, I didn't want them to ruin the evening…"

"B-but the kiss…?"

Sayori snorted and shook her head again, as if trying not to laugh at Monika. Monika on the other hand was far too emotional and confused still to find anything remotely funny, and only frowned. "Monika, you silly goose, what did you do, walk by the classroom or something? I was telling her how I was glad to have her back, and that I wanted the best for her, but… I wasn't quite ready to forget about everything that happened. That was me kissing her forehead, Moni, you big dumb silly-billy goat! I've been trying to put on a smile and… you know, act like it's all good because I want the club to be together. But the truth is, it… it really hurt when she left. She turned her back on me, on all of us, and I don't know if the friendship we had will ever quite be what it was…"

Monika was silent. Sayori wasn't with Natsuki. Sayori hadn't said no to her poem. In a flash Monika was up, reaching for her bag and pulling the gift-box out of it as she thrusted it towards Sayori. Everything was happening so fast, but she needed to make sure she did what she had to do before she forgot and got lost in the emotions. "Th-this is for you! I missed your birthday, b-but I wanted to… um, get you something." Sayori took the box, a surprised smile on her face as she carefully removed the top and pulled out a black ribbon that glittered with jagged golden lines that glittered in the afternoon sun. Her mouth slowly gaped as she looked back at Monika, and once again the words spilled from Monika's mouth.

"You uh, you lost your red one in the river. It wasn't very expensive, but it reminded me of Kitsugi, with the gold in the cracks and all. I know you said your grandmother taught you about it, uh, and I thought it was symbolic because you're beautiful the way you are even though you've been through a lot and, uh-" Her anxious exposition was cut off as Sayori's lips very suddenly found hers, and in that moment nothing else mattered in the world. Her lips were warmer than any sun's rays, tinged with cold from the tears that had begun to slip down her cheeks, the feeling of Sayori's hand sliding through her hair made her want to melt. They parted for only a quick second, both girls quickly pulling each other into a warm embrace as tears gently fell slid down both of their faces and their lips met once again. Monika couldn't think, she didn't want to, she was being kissed by Sayori Moriyama and not a damn thing in the world could change that.

When they finally parted, Monika saw that they were both crying again, but smiling too as they looked at eachother with so many emotions and feelings that no form of poetry or music would ever begin to describe it. Sayori took a breath and giggled, reaching forward to hug Monika again until she suddenly stopped and looked almost ashamed of herself. Monika quickly sat at attention, giving Sayori a serious look. Did she regret it already?

"What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just… um…" She tapped her fingers together anxiously before looking back at Monika.

"Are you sure you want me? I'm broken and messed up and I'm not nearly as worthwhile as other people are. M-my boobs are small and my hair is messy and I'm not a great kisser, my head is really dark and I'm… I'm a handful, Monika." There was so much shame in her voice when she spoke that Monika pushed aside all of her giddiness and excitement to give Sayori her full attention. She took her hands and gently rubbed her thumbs along the inside of Sayori's palms, and coaxed the girl to meet her eyes.

"I have two hands." She whispered confidently. Sayori's eyes lit up and her cheeks flushed a bright red, as if she hadn't expected such a response so quickly. Monika smiled and cupped Sayori's cheek with her hand, beaming at how her face seemed to just melt into it like a pillow. "And, besides. If it's really so dark, then… how about we light a lantern?" Monika felt the cooling touch of tears against her fingers, and she gently brought Sayori's face back to hers. The warmth that she felt inside and out was impossible to describe, a tornado of emotions and questions that she really didn't care to address or ask right now. There would be time, so much time now that she had the one person who meant the world to her by her side, for those afterthoughts. All she wanted was to forget about the rest of the day, and hold her girlfriend in her arms until the school kicked them out. She would never be able to describe that warmth in poetry or song, but she would gladly spend the rest of her life trying to do so.

END OF ACT II

---

A.N: I hope you all enjoyed Act II everyone! As you can no doubt tell, this chapter is late by three whole days. A whopping new record, but not without reason. I wanted the end of Act II to be special, polished even. I could've sent this chapter out at 10,000 and put the rest as Chapter 16 with some fluff, but I didn't want to do that. I wanted this chapter to get the attention it deserved without rushing it for an imaginary deadline. I know for many, this isn't a big deal, and while I'm grateful to have such an understanding audience, I want some kind of consistency in this story, but without ruining it by forcing it out on time. Hell, even this chapter probably doesn't have the polish it deserves. For this reason, For the Longest Time will be going on a small break.

Now hold your horses, I'm not talking indefinitely here. I love this story, but I've been writing 1000+ words every day for the past six months. I just need a small break, both to give myself some time to work on Act III, and also to possibly go back and polish some chapters that also suffered from my imaginary deadline. (Looking at you, Yuri-Cut Reveal.) So, Chapter 16 will be back on the 14th of January. This will give me a full month to get back in the groove, fix some old errors, and just kinda relax a little. I've been so grateful for you all during this story, and I really do apologize for the wait, but if it comes to Quality or Quantity, I know almost everyone reading this will prefer the first one.

So, until then, thanks so much for reading up to Act II. Just because we're two acts in doesn't mean we're nearly done yet, I have a lot to throw at you all still. So go ahead, tell me what worked and what didn't. Tell me if you loved it or hated it, if it felt rushed or not (Only I could rush through 18,000+ words worth of story.) because I am really really curious to see what everyone thought. Goodnight everybody, see you in a month!