Chapter 16: Just the Two of Us
The chapter where love blooms, and is put to the test.
Act III - Moving On
Monika's foot tapped nervously against the thin nylon carpet as she waited in the lobby of the cinema, her thumb anxiously scrolling through her phone as websites offering her advice passed her by. She caught sight of the scar between her right thumb and forefinger, now suture-free thanks to the efforts of Yuri who had kindly offered to remove them to save a trip to the hospital. ("Please exercise caution, opening the wound a third time is not something you want to experience." Yuri had assured her.) Now it was just a reminder of just how far she was willing to go for her friends. She glanced back towards her phone; she had taken deep breaths, made sure there were no loose strands in her ponytail three times now, and had flattened her skirt so often that she was sure she was going to give herself calluses if she didn't stop. The sound of gentle chatter in the lobby mixed with the smell of popcorn and stale recycled air was almost distracting enough to keep her nerves in check, but the excitement gripping at the edges of her mind forced her to keep up an anxious smile to those who passed her by.
She had told herself over and over on the way there that she didn't need to feel any different than she normally did, just because it was their first date. She and Sayori had been close for a while now, and all that had changed was that they were finally open and accepting of how the other felt. It had been a week to the day since her confession, and having received her first paycheck after school she was more than excited to not only have money, but to finally be able to take the both of them on their first date as well. The increased pressure of school work due to their upcoming end of term exams in December had kept Monika twice as busy, as she dealt with her own school work, so too did she deal with the increased workload of her clients who were just as anxious as she was. It had gotten so busy that she had hardly been able to see Sayori outside of school, where the two were left to simply give each other bright smiles and sweet greetings as they passed.
Since Monika had needed to pick up her paycheck, Sayori had offered to meet her at the theater around five, giving Monika ample time to use part of her new paycheck on something she desperately needed: clothes. A beige button-up and a long belted skirt the color of chocolate hadn't been a terrible dent in her wallet, nor the small cases of concealer and eyeliner that she was making sure she had applied properly in the reflection of her phone. A muffled greeting of "Mmmka!" caught her attention and she quickly looked over to see Sayori waving towards her from the concession stands, a tray containing a bucket of popcorn as well as a large drink in her hands as she tried to balance on her crutches. Monika quickly strode over and took the tray from the struggling Sayori, a sense of pride flowing through her as she paid for the food with her hard-earned yen. She turned to see Sayori smirking at her sheepishly, two tickets held between her lips that Monika also took and sat beside the popcorn with a shake of the head.
"Ah! Thanks Moni, I'm really glad you showed up when you did, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to carry that. Or pay for it. Honestly, the only part I thought through was carrying the tickets. I uh, didn't slobber on them, did I?" Monika completely forgot about the tray as she glanced back towards Sayori, as it seemed she wasn't the only one who had dressed up for their date. Like Monika, Sayori wore a long skirt that fell past her knees, albeit made of denim as opposed to cotton, a white flannel with a navy sweater that Monika hadn't seen before, along with a cozy looking cream cardigan. As Monika's eyes drifted upwards she saw Sayori was wearing her new bow, and it looked like she had even attempted to brush her hair - a minute effort that Monika appreciated. She even thought there was a glimmer of gloss reflecting from her lips; it was such a simple look, but that just made it more attractive in her mind. She realized that she had been so absorbed in taking in the sight of Sayori that she had forgotten to speak and instead had been staring at her girlfriend. Her girlfriend who was staring back at her.
"H-hi." Monika managed as her ears tinged with warmth, completely forgetting whatever it was Sayori had asked her. She was a mess, a complete and utter mess when it came to this girl. What chance did she have when she couldn't even greet her without her body shutting down? To her relief she saw Sayori's cheeks turn pink and knew that she wasn't completely alone in this.
"Hi." Sayori greeted with so much warmth that Monika was sure she was going to melt then and there. "You look great! It's really nice seeing you finally be able to get your own clothes, and they're really cute too! You kinda remind me of a cup of coffee actually!" Her smile faltered as if she was worried she had said something wrong, and she looked away. "I'm uh, I'm actually kinda nervous in case you couldn't tell. Ehehe, I've never really been on an actual date before." The way her hands wobbled in her crutches lent credence to this, and it helped take a bit of the edge off by knowing they were equally as nervous. It did however give Monika the opportunity to take the lead, and she stepped aside to nod her head towards corridors leading deeper inside.
"Don't worry, I am too. I actually feel like my knees are going to give out every time I look at you." Uh-oh, was that too honest? She didn't want to come on too strong, especially since this was their first time really getting to interact as a couple. Were they allowed to be called a couple even, or were they counting this as a sort of test run for a relationship? Was there a possibility that she was getting ahead of herself? The state of cognitive dissonance she was in must not have been visible because Sayori just smiled sweetly at her and moved to lead them to their respective theater. "I'm just having a hard time believing that I'm on a date… with you. Sorry, that sounds- God that sounds really cheesy."
"Hey, cheesy is cute!" Sayori retorted as Monika followed behind. "But the good news is that if your legs do give out, you can borrow my other crutch." They both giggled at that as Monika stepped ahead to hold the door leading into their auditorium, and the two slowly ascended while Sayori peered at the empty rows of chairs. The screen was already alight with advertisements, and only a handful of viewers had arrived so far. "Do I remember you saying you never saw this movie growing up? Every film this studio put out is like a childhood classic, Moni! Also, what are our seat numbers again?"
Monika squinted at the tickets on their tray and glanced over Sayori's head for their seats. "We're J-11 and J-12, I think. I don't remember watching many movies growing up, actually I don't remember a whole lot of growing up at all. Knowing me, I was probably too busy with extracurriculars or trying to impress whatever foster family I was a part of at the time to watch movies. Ah, this is it!" It took a minute to get to their seats with the limited space between rows, with Sayori letting out a relieved sigh as they finally sat down and gazed up at the screen. Monika caught Sayori zeroing in on the popcorn and with a knowing grin she passed the bucket over while grabbing the drink for herself. The way Sayori's eyes shone just before stuffing a fistful of popcorn into her mouth made Monika nearly snort soda out of her nose, but she managed to keep herself composed. Something told her that wouldn't be a good way to start their date.
As they watched the trailers in silence for a minute, occasionally swapping their concessions between each other, Monika's mind swirled with countless ideas and questions she wanted to ask regarding their relationship. Was it okay to hold hands? Was she allowed to kiss her? Before she could bring any of these points up however, she noticed Sayori looking at her with the tips of her fingers fidgeting together and an uneasy look plastered across her face. "Hey, Moni?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry for buying everything before you got here, without asking what you wanted and just assuming you'd pay since you were getting your check." She reached into her cardigan and rustled through her pockets before pulling out a handful of chocolates and sweets and offering them to Monika. "I remembered how expensive getting candy at these places is, so I thought I'd bring some of my leftover Halloween candy. You can have as much as you'd like." Monika's eyebrows raised in surprise over Sayori even having any leftover candy, but she took a piece of chocolate regardless. "That makes up for it a little, right?"
Poor thing is as worried about messing this up as I am, Monika realized as she moved to give Sayori a quick reassuring kiss, but she stopped herself as she returned to her earlier train of thought. Was kissing her okay when they were out in public? What if it made Sayori embarrassed, or even uncomfortable? Would a kiss on the cheek be preferable? She could ask, but that might take away the reassuring angle she was aiming for. Monika silently groaned as she realized they were both truly diffident lovers that were going to make Yuri look confident at the rate they were going. Perhaps a talk establishing boundaries would be a step in the right direction?
"Hey, it's okay. You were probably just caught up in the excitement of going on a date, it happens. I will, however, gladly take some more chocolate in recompense, and I believe it's my turn to ask something." Monika asked as she took another piece. Sayori however was busy stuffing another handful of popcorn into her mouth.
"Hrmph?"
"I don't know if this is the best time, but I thought it might be important to discuss like, boundaries? Just, you know, I don't want to go and hold your hand while we're out somewhere if that embarrasses you or makes you uncomfortable. I really, really would like to make sure you're comfortable before I do anything, so if showing affection in front of people isn't your cup of tea, just let me know." It might've seemed overly cautious or even facetious, but Monika was determined to never make the mistakes of her past again. Communication was everything to her.
Sayori went to respond, but all the came out was a gurgled "Whrmph hrime" that she hurriedly tried to remedy by taking a big gulp of the soda Monika held. When she realized that wouldn't fix it quick enough she gave a frantic flap of her hands before finally sliding her own into Monika's before bringing it up and softly pressing it to her lips. Monika was suddenly glad she hadn't applied any blush to her cheeks; the tiniest of things seemed to make her flush red when she was with Sayori. Too late did either of them realize that Sayori's lips had left a sticky print of soda and lipgloss on the back of Monika's hand, much to the distraught of Sayori, but the lights in the theater suddenly dimmed and they were quickly enshrouded in darkness before the screen faded into a bright blue before revealing the studio's logo. The movie had begun. They glanced at each other with bashful smirks before turning back to enjoy the film, neither one saying a word as the movie's score began to play from the speakers surrounding the auditorium. For Monika, Sayori's answer had been enough for the time being.
Monika had known nothing about the movie itself going in, only that Sayori had jumped at the chance to see it when they were discussing date ideas and that it was an animated film that had been in theaters over a decade ago. At first she had assumed that Sayori was simply taking her down a trip through memory lane with a movie from her childhood, but Monika was quickly enamored by the film in both its story and its animation. The story at first seemed to be about a young witch moving out on her own and dealing with the troubles of adulthood; a typical yet fantastical coming of age story. But the more Monika watched, the more she saw the subtle leanings of a more specific and more familiar message. After a severe blunder left the witch in a funk and unsure of herself, Monika couldn't help but glance over at Sayori who was staring wide eyed at the screen with a goofy smile that never left her face.
A young girl who had bravely set off alone, only to face crushing defeat to the point of wanting to just lay down and give up. A young girl who was growing up and finding her place in the world. Maybe that was why Sayori had enjoyed the movie so much, not just for its visuals or rush of nostalgia, but because it was something she could relate to on a deeper level. Monika wondered if she had even considered that to be why she loved it so, or if the underlying message of being able to grow into something new through hardship while still being yourself was just a message any young girl could deeply relate to. It was with a silent chuckle that she realized she herself wasn't the exception. Or perhaps she simply enjoyed a movie that took her back to a time before her depression had reared its ugly head, and she gave Sayori's hand a comforting squeeze as the movie continued to flicker by. It was pleasing, and also somewhat flattering to enjoy something that was very special to Sayori's childhood, whatever the reasoning might be.
Despite her keen interest in the movie Monika couldn't help but feel the lure of sleep pick at her as she grew more comfortable in the chair with the warmth of Sayori's hand in hers. On top of her heavy workload, her trouble with sleeping during the night had left her more than a little exhausted during the day. The night-terrors were not an every night occurrence, nor did she even remember when they occurred, but so often did she find herself scared of disturbing those around her that she forced herself to stay up in an attempt to fight off the possibility for as long as possible. It was this chain of events that led to Monika drifting off in the later half of the film, her eyes fluttering as the witch soared over a city, and her head slowly teetering off to the side as if lulled by the sound of seagulls and music.
In an instant she was snapped awake by the gentle shaking of her hand still entwined with Sayori's. The lights in the auditorium had been turned back on, and the credits lazily scrolled across the screen as the few other members of the theater descended towards the lobby. She looked over to see Sayori giving her a gentle smile as she set the popcorn bucket and soda (both empty, Monika noted) aside so as to get her crutches ready.
"Wakey-wakey, Moni. The movie's over." Sayori coaxed, and Monika's heart dropped. The movie was indeed over, and a pang of guilt flashed through her as she realized that she had just slept through half of their date, their first date no less. Monika let out a groan and rubbed her eyes in agitation as she sat up.
"God, I'm so sorry Say, I didn't mean to- I can't believe I fell asleep. I was so excited for our date and I couldn't even bother to stay awake for it. I promise I-" But Monika was quickly stopped by the warm and sticky sensation of Sayori's lips briefly pressing against hers. Slower than a peck, but quicker than their first had been. That shut Monika up, but before she could even think of reciprocating Sayori had already leaned back into her seat with a proud smile on her face while Monika was left blinking by the surprise of it all.
"Sorry, I'm uh… working on not being so sporadically physical. It's not to everyone's taste." Sayori admitted. "But, you're okay, I promise! I know you were tired between your job and staying up late, so I thought it might be okay to let you rest a bit. I felt bad because I thought you might want to watch the movie, but I figured your health was a bit more important" Monika frowned and stood up from her chair, popping her back and stretching her arms out as she turned back to face Sayori. "You also laid your head on my shoulder and it was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen."
"Yeah, but I know you really liked this movie!" Monika countered while waving her hands in protest, trying to ignore the flutter in her chest at being called cute by Sayori. "I don't want you to think I don't care or don't appreciate being able to finally go out with you, because I do, I really do. This is kind of a big moment for me- well, for both of us, and I just wanted to show that I can do it right. Because you deserve to be treated well and I just really wanted it to be a good first date, you know?" There were a hundred other things she probably could've added about how she felt, but she was beginning to ramble at that point and the way that Sayori was looking at her with such endearment told her that her words weren't getting through how she intended.
Sayori shook her head and pulled herself up with her crutches, with Monika standing back to give her room. "It's really funny how similar we can be. I'll tell you what, grab our garbage for me and we'll walk and talk about it, okay? I think you mentioned wanting to discuss some stuff about us anyway, and since we have a bit of a walk I think now's as good a time as any." Monika nodded at that and grabbed the tray containing their refreshments before following her girlfriend back out into the lobby, whereupon Sayori had Monika hold the straw out for her so she could suck down the last of their soda before throwing away the empty cup. Making sure they had all their belongings, the two girls stepped out into the surprisingly warm autumn air as a crisp breeze blew by them.
The sun had long since gone down, and traffic was light as they passed underneath the bright lights of the city and along the sidewalk. Cars drifted by as the smell of noodles caught Monika's attention, and she turned to see the dimly lit neon sign of a ramen shop as they took the path out of the city that would lead them to the more beaten path towards the shelter. A soft hum from an electric car brought her attention back to the road beside her and she smiled, the nightly atmosphere of the city making her feel as though they had stepped into another world.
"I'm glad to see people switching to electric, shows people actually care about pollution and the environmental footprint we're leaving." She noted, and Sayori nodded in agreement beside her.
"Oh definitely, they smell a lot less too. I swear ever since I fell the city smells twice as bad as before. Oh, maybe I got that thing where I can smell a whole lot better since I can't use my leg!"
"That's only for other senses, like if you went blind or lost your hearing. Also, I'm pretty sure that's just a myth altogether."
"Aw darn, I can't be a cyborg, I can't have super-sense, what can I have?" Sayori jokingly grumbled as they passed the laundromat, fluorescent lighting dripping out into the street. Monika almost told Sayori that she could have her heart, but she stopped herself saying that it was only their first date and she needed to simmer down. There was still the chance that they weren't going to work out, or that Sayori might reconsider, and she needed to keep her expectations tempered for that. "So! We're walking, we're talking, now let's get to the important part. First off, we're both clearly nervous about… well, everything, and you want to discuss boundaries which is great, so I think the best thing we can do is just go back and forth and ask each other questions, and then lay down some ground rules. Is that okay with you?"
Monika nodded; she couldn't have put it better herself. Sayori decided to go first and say, "This isn't a question, more of just like, a reassurance. But, please don't feel bad about falling asleep. Dates, well, how do I put it?" She paused and glanced up towards the moon in thought. "Dates don't have to be super fancy and formal with me. Oh don't get me wrong, the thought of getting to dress up nice and go somewhere with you makes me feel great, but I like just casual dates too. My leg will probably be a bit of a problem for activities, but just going to the park and sitting on the swings, eating ice cream together? That's a bonafide Sayori date right there!" Monika thought she saw a sliver of drool leaking from Sayori's mouth as she spoke. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, you don't have to go all out for my sake. For me, a date is an excuse to look pretty and spend time with you."
That was indeed a comfort to Monika, and she felt the tension in her chest lighten a little; she should've known Sayori wasn't as much of a perfectionist as she was. After a moment of figuring out who was actually supposed to ask the question next, Sayori asked, "This might be a bit personal- actually no, it's super personal. So feel free to back out if you'd rather not say or it makes you uncomfortable but uh, I never knew you liked girls? Oh, that's not really a question. I mean, are you only into girls?" Sayori let out a half-hearted chuckle as she turned away but Monika understood what she was getting at.
"I think pan might be the best category for me." She said after a moment of thought. "I care more about the person, the actual soul of who I'm with over their genitals - not to say I don't think you're attractive! You are, you take my breath away because my God you are absolutely adorable." Dammit all, that made it sound like I find her genitals attractive. Smooth as silk, Club President. Monika quickly moved along, trying to keep the laughter in her voice from sounding too awkward. "I actually thought it was a little funny when I confessed and the first thing you were worried about was your boobs being too small."
"Hey! I can't believe you're laughing at them on the first date!" Sayori pouted, but she quickly dropped the facade and the two fell into a fit of giggles. They were both quiet for a moment as their laughter faded and they left the city, following the dimmer roads out towards the open meadows of their hometown. The streetlights were their guardians, silent protectors that kept the darkness at bay as they hopped from one glowing street to the other, trailing after one another as they occasionally ducked beneath trees of amber and gold that warned of Autumn's end. It was Monika's turn, but there was something she needed to do first. Something that had been nagging at her all evening.
She turned to Sayori with a look of unease. "So, before I ask this next question, I think we need to discuss our boundaries and what we're comfortable with. How do you feel about us being, you know, affectionate? Is that something you'd like to keep private, or are we allowed to be… open in public." The question felt strange on her tongue, as though she was wrong for asking it. She realized that it wasn't her that was wrong for asking, or that it was just their comfort at stake. It was the fact that she needed to ask at all to be honest and open with the person she cared for because the world didn't quite see how they felt as normal. It was others' comfort that they were fighting. "I don't want you to be embarrassed, or ashamed while we're out… so, I can keep things platonic to avoid any negative or, you know, awkward attention."
"Are you ashamed of us?" There was a quiet apprehensiveness in Sayori's voice that made Monika panic, and she quickly shook her head.
"No! No no, I'm- Sayori, look I- I've never been in a real relationship before. I'm terrified of scaring you off with my constant second-guessing and unstable mindset, or that you'll realize I'm not the confident strong-willed girl I pretended to be when you first met me all those years ago and you'll want someone more reliable, more confident, more… sane." They had stopped walking by now, and stood face to face beneath the glow of a streetlight as a single car passed them by, before blanketing the outside world in darkness yet again. "I don't care what the world thinks, I don't care if people look at us weird or yell obscenities at us, I just care that you're by my side. With me. I'll scream it out loud if that's what it takes to show I'm damn proud of who my girlfriend is." Her breathing had picked up and there was that tightness in her chest again, but she stood her ground and stared Sayori down to show just how serious she was.
Sayori looked at her curiously, her lips just barely apart with a question dripping off of her gloss. They closed and she blinked at Monika a few times before turning her gaze away, towards the sidewalk beneath them as if it would speak her words for her. Finally she hummed softly and Monika saw a glimpse of a small smile on her face. "I… don't mind being affectionate in public for the most part. I might get a bit flustered, but I think we're both going to be like that for a little while. I guess my only restriction is not being too affectionate, you know, so long as we're not making out in the middle of a cafe, or it's not at an inappropriate moment, then I think it'd be really nice actually!" She let out a little laugh that brought Monika's smile back; who knew such a little action could make someone's heart flutter? An idea struck her.
"What if we had a signal to show that the other wants affection and giving the go-ahead?" She suggested. "That way you don't have to constantly hear me ask if it's okay to kiss you." Reaching out, she gently took hold of Sayori's hand (making sure that she was balanced on her crutches first) and held it within her own. She slowly rubbed the back of Sayori's hand with her thumb, just like they had when they had confessed to each other and she motioned for Sayori to mirror her movements. "We can rub the other's hand, and if you rub back then that means it's okay! I mean, I know it probably seems a little silly to ask if it's okay when you don't seem to mind, but I guess I kinda need reassurance on these things and-"
"I like that you ask, actually." Sayori interrupted. "It shows that you care about how I feel, which is really sweet of you and…" Sayori's hand pulled her in, and she took a step closer. "If you need reassurance, then let me tell you right here and right now that you can ask for as many kisses as you like!"
"O-oh? Are you sure? I might ask for a lot…"
"Mmhm! So, what was your next question?"
"... Could I kiss you?"
"I'd like that." A soft giggle from Sayori was the last thing Monika heard before she leaned forward and with supportive arms embraced her girlfriend. Her girlfriend. It was so satisfying to finally be able to repeat those words to herself, and her mind was distracted by relishing the fact that someone actually liked her not because she had forced her love onto them, but because they actually felt something for her. Not to mention that person was Sayori, someone who made her heart throb every time they locked eyes because of who she was as opposed to what she represented. It was such a gratifying feeling that Monika had almost forgotten her lips were still locked in a friendly game of twister, and when she rubbed the back of Sayori's head she could feel the small bumps of the surgery scar that sat just along her nape. Sayori's body shivered, and at first Monika thought she had touched somewhere sensitive until she felt something cold and wet brush against their lips.
Monika pulled back in concern, only for Sayori to rush forward and bury her head against Monika's shoulder as the girl hugged her close so that she couldn't pull away. Muffled sobs escaped from the shoulder Sayori had buried her face in, and Monika gently rubbed a hand through her hair while making gentle shushing noises and whispers that everything was alright. What had happened? Had she done something wrong? Even with all of her self-doubt something told Monika that this wasn't a byproduct of her actions, and so she simply held Sayori tight and the two gently rocked beneath the streetlight.
After a moment of sobs and gentle rocking, Sayori's voice caught Monika's attention and she quickly glanced down, but the girl still refused to show her face. "I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry… I'm ruining things right now and I'm really really - hic - sorry, but I… you're just…" The way her whole body shook made Monika want to sit her down and let her rest her body, but there was simply nowhere comfortable for either of them to go. All she could do was continue to hold her.
"It's alright, Say. Just tell me what's going on, okay? I'm right here, everything is going to be okay, just tell me what's up." She murmured softly. Sayori nodded through another sob and when she finally pried her face away from Monika it was clear that everything was not okay. Her eyes were bleary and brimming with tears as spots of makeup dribbled down her cheeks, and the look in her eyes broke Monika's heart almost as much as the words she spoke.
"I'm… I'm scared, Monika." Sayori admits between sobs. "I didn't just assume you were going to pay for everything, I forgot because I'm an idiot! I was going to pay for everything to surprise you and then they asked for the yen and I-I… I forgot I didn't have any money. I haven't had any money in over a month! I thought forgetting things was just a side-effect of the surgery or s-something but it's still happening and I think I'm getting worse and I'm just scared!" Sayori sniffled in her arms and brought a hand up to cover her eyes. "God, you're standing here telling me how scared you are of messing things up but… Jesus, you're dating a parasite! I eat your food that you work really hard for, I sit and mope and cry and get makeup all over your new shirt, you have to watch over me like I'm a kid because nobody knows if I'm going to try and k-kill myself again, you have to pay for our date because I'm useless and can't get a job because I couldn't even die properly!" Her voice was wracked with such grief and pain, it made Monika shudder. "And now I'm here, dumping it all onto you after our first date… I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm an idiot. You deserve better, Moni… I want to be better, I just…"
Her memory. Monika sighed inwardly and held Sayori tightly as she thought back to when Sayori had called her into the bathroom and confessed she couldn't remember things like her locker combination and certain questions in class. At first Monika had merely thought it as Sayori being self-conscious and paranoid, and in the wake of the fight with Natsuki it had all but slipped her mind. Probably because she doesn't want to bother you with these things, none of them do. Like Yuri's cutting, and Natsuki's home life, you need to talk to them about this stuff you idiot. But before she could do any of those things she needed to focus on the girl in front of her, the one who had stolen her heart. She cupped Sayori's cheek and brushed a thumb against it, bringing her lips down and planting a kiss on her forehead.
"That's enough." She whispered. " Maybe… maybe you just got excited in the rush for the date, you know? You're not an idiot, you're not a parasite, and I was never more happy than when I got you breathing on the riverbank… to see you alive. I don't even know if you remember it, but I thought you were dead. I was crying because I thought the most important person in my life was gone forever, and then you started breathing, and it was like… it was like I was finally alive too. I bought those extra instant-noodles for you, and my clothes can be washed anytime I need them to be, okay? I paid for our date because you deserve to be treated, Sayori." The two of them were rocking back and forth again, Sayori let out small gasps and hiccups while Monika continued to quietly rub her hair. It was so peaceful, despite the sorrow. "I don't care what you think I deserve, because I know the only thing I want is for you to be happy." Can you feel the words I can't bring myself to say? Can you feel it in the beating of my heart and the way my hands shake when you're in them?
Slowly Sayori's head raised up to look at Monika, and she wasn't quite sure what it was she saw in those eyes of blue in that moment. Confusion? Exhaustion? Pain? There were so many secrets that still remained between them, between all of them, but she hoped that for the time being, if only for a short time, that she could provide a small island of safety amid a sea of fear and anxiety. Sayori quietly asked if they could return to the shelter, and Monika reluctantly nodded. Their walk was quiet, somber compared to the jubilance and excitement they had felt in the wake of the movie. Neither of them spoke until they reached the shelter, where Sayori quietly thanked her before retreating to the showers and leaving Monika to look forlornly in her direction.
After Monika took a shower of her own she found Sayori sitting on her usual cot, staring desperately at a prescription bottle in her hands reading "Pregabalin". Monika folded her clothes atop her bag and sat down beside Sayori, resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulder as she looked at the bottle as well. Sayori spoke up before she could ask, murmuring, "I'm supposed to take two of these before bed each night. I picked it up, and unscrewed the cap… and I don't know if I already took one. Doctor Sano told me that it was really important that I don't take too many, but if I don't take the correct amount I might not be able to sleep…" She glanced over uncertainly as if she hoped that Monika might have an answer for her plight , the glassy look in her eyes telling them that they hadn't seen the end of the tears for the night. Their eyes met and Monika smiled, standing up from the cot and walking over to the dining area of the shelter. When she returned she sat beside Sayori again and handed her a cup of water.
"You didn't take one yet." Monika confirmed. "If I know you at all, I know you'd sooner use wasabi as toothpaste than try and down a pill without anything to wash it down with." Sayori stared at the cup in surprise before a small relieved smile took over and she popped two pills followed by a swig from the styrofoam cup. She shivered and scooted closer to Monika, laying her head on the latter's shoulder and staring blankly out at the bunks across from them. Monika pulled out her phone and nudged Sayori's arm, asking, "Want to watch something? We could pull up that guy who makes all those really cool recipes from scratch, though that might just make you hungry."
Sayori shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I think the pregaball- pregbull- ugh, whatever pill I just took. I think it's working, cause I'm feeling pretty sleepy. I'm really sorry for messing up our date, and I'm sorry for being such a burden. I just don't know what to do, if there's actually something wrong with me or if I'm just paranoid, I don't know if I need to go back to the hospital or if I need to talk to my parents… I really… I miss them, a lot. Mom hasn't spoken to me in weeks…" Monika slipped her phone away and instead grabbed the edges of the blanket from the cot and stood up, carefully wrapping it around Sayori to keep her warp.
"You didn't mess up our date, I promise." She wrapped her arms around Sayori's middle and pulled her in close, their heads gently leaning against one another as Sayori's eyes slowly blinked closed. "It's like you said, a date is just an excuse to look pretty and spend time with you. I got to spend time with you, and I'm happy because of it." A soft yawn escaped her lips; she was feeling pretty tired as well after the day they had.
"I'm glad you had fun, I did too you know, I just… I don't know anything… it's all really scary and I don't understand any of my feelings. It feels like the only time I'm not feeling nothing is… when I'm feeling pain. But… your hugs are so warm…" Sayori whispered, and she pulled Monika in so tightly that Monika was certain Sayori thought she might fly away in the wind if left unattended. The words were so familiar to Monika, so hauntingly familiar that she knew exactly what came next. She knew, and she hated it.
"...And that's really scary, too?"
"... Yeah."
Monika sighed and stood back to retreat to her own cot. There were plenty of things she wanted to say to Sayori, to comfort her and let her know that it would all be okay, but she knew her words would ring hollow with no proof to back them up. She didn't know if Sayori's memory was actually faltering or if it was just her anxiety getting the better of her, but all she could do was show that she was willing to stay by her girlfriend's side through thick and thin. As she sat on her cot she looked back to see Sayori staring back at her with big blue eyes that held a silent plea within them. Sayori wiggled a little on the cot and opened one flap like a coat that Monika understood as an invitation, and without hesitation grabbed the blanket from her own cot before plopping back down beside Sayori and wrapping them both in the bundle of cloth and wool. Even without the warmth of the night creeping in from the outside, it was incredibly cozy with Sayori's heat beside her all contained within their blanket wrap. Monika's hand found Sayori's beneath the covers and she gave the back of her hand a gentle rub, one that she returned as Monika leaned up to plant a goodnight kiss against Sayori's forehead.
They were still getting used to each other. Despite the fact that Sayori's fall had brought them closer than ever before, this was still uncharted territory for the both of them. There would be loops and bumps that they would have to work out, but something told Monika that they would get through it despite her trepidation. In a real relationship things were going to be wobbly until they found their footing, but once they did she had no doubt they would both find nothing but comfort and safety in each other's presence as opposed to caution and uncertainty. Monika knew that as she snuggled closer to Sayori and closed her eyes that she would be nothing but determined to make Sayori feel happy and loved, and maybe, just maybe, if the stars aligned and fate worked out right, she could feel the same.
Tomorrow would be a new day.
When Monika awoke the next day she found herself oddly refreshed, still wrapped up with Sayori, foggy beams of sunlight peeking through the windows of the shelter. Her phone told her it was a quarter to nine which was when the shelter emptied and that it was to be a chilly Saturday. She wondered what they could do to fill the day when suddenly a thought struck her, and she pulled out her wallet to reveal the money she had earned from her paycheck. Her senior tutors had been impressed by the amount of hours she had put in, and her effort showed from the sheer amount of money she had to her name. My name. I have money now, which means I can finally keep my word and get a legal name. Were municipal buildings even open on weekends? She highly doubted it, but a quick google search proved useful as she saw that the local city hall was indeed open on Saturdays, the catch being they closed at the early hour of eleven. Relieved at such a lucky break, Monika put on the new outfit she had worn the night before and gently shook Sayori to wake her up, but was met with only snores.
Monika smirked and cupped Sayori's cheek. She didn't want to tip the poor girl over, but she knew she had to wake her up somehow, and so she carefully leaned forward. "Sayooooori~" she whispered in a sing-song voice. Sayori grunted and raised her head, eyes blinking sleepily as she took in the sight of Monika in front of her before closing them again, moving to fall on the cot from where she still sat upright. Monika held her steady however and shook her head. "Nuh uh, come on Say. It's time to get up, cutie." She felt a bit smug about using a term of endearment while Sayori was still half-asleep and thus would never know, only to have her eyes widen in surprise when Sayori's arms wrapped around her neck and pulled her down into a deep, admittedly clumsy, kiss. This girl… Monika thought to herself as she tried to ignore the butterflies that were churning in her stomach, and after finally pulling away she glanced around the room to make sure nobody had seen.
Glancing back at Sayori she wrinkled her nose and frowned, giving her a playful shove. "Bleh, no more kisses until you brush your teeth, Ms. Morning-Breath."
Sayori smacked her lips and groaned again, pulling the pillow over her head. "I don't wanna…" She grumbled. Monika sat on the edge of the cot and rubbed Sayori's back soothingly, cautiously lifting the pillow with her other hand as she looked underneath.
"Hey, I'm going to go to the city hall today to get my name changed, do you want to come with me?" Monika asked. "I could pick us up something to eat, maybe we could go by the park." But Sayori's face didn't quite light up in the way she had expected at the prospect of food and hanging out. Instead her girlfriend lay motionlessly on the cot with her eyes staring unfocused at the pillow on top of her head, a quick glance the only indication to Monika that she had even heard her until she gave a small shake of the head.
"I don't know, I don't think I really want to walk around today, I'm sorry…" She mumbled. Monika frowned and leaned down beside her, eyes full of concern as she continued to rub her back. Her messy hair fell limply over her face and she still held that glassy look in her eyes that made it look as though she might begin crying at any moment. Slowly, Monika pulled the pillow off fully and met Sayori's eyes, and a sort of understanding passed between the two of them that it wasn't going to be a very good day.
"Is everything okay?" Monika asked in a whisper. She hated asking because they both knew nothing was okay, and so she quickly added, "I know something is bothering you, I really just want you to open up to me if you can. I'm here for you." Sayori shook her head at that and clenched her eyes shut, as if worried tears might appear otherwise.
"That's what hurts, knowing you're putting so much effort into me and I'm just… here." She raised her arms limply before sitting back up, sighing and shaking her head. "I'm sorry for last night, and for being like this, I'm just… going through a lot. My head isn't very good right now, there's a lot of things I don't know and I'm just anxious as heck because of it. There's a lot of rain clouds out right now, and also… I think I'm starting." She mumbled, looking away in embarrassment. Monika gave her a sympathetic smile and reached over towards her schoolbag, reaching around inside.
"Well, maybe we should see about getting you checked into the hospital again?" Monika suggested gently. "Another checkup wouldn't hurt, you probably need to make sure your leg is doing okay anyhow." It was obvious that the leg was just a lure, another reason to push her to check where her memory problems truly lied. The hesitant and uncomfortable look Sayori held made Monika drop the subject however, and decided that perhaps that wasn't the best thing to hear after waking up. "Well, I don't know about the rest, but I can definitely help with the last one. Do you want a tampon or pads?"
"Pads, please."
While Sayori excused herself to the bathroom, Monika sat on the cot and sighed in contemplation, patting her knees and watching the people around her as they shuffled through and made their way towards the exit, but Monika wasn't going to leave without Sayori. She had known there would be bad days, those came with any relationship but even more so with someone who struggled with something as serious as depression. She wouldn't force Sayori to follow her around on her errands, especially if she was having a particularly bad day, but she didn't want to just leave her to wander around either. She supposed she could wait until after the weekend when Sayori would be able to stay in the shelter, but that would cut into her tutoring time considerably as she wasn't sure how long getting her name change would take. But she really didn't want to leave Sayori on her own…
Finally she pulled out her phone and in an act of desperation flicked through her contacts, clicking on the only person she trusted to watch Sayori when she was in such a vulnerable state.
You: Hey Yuri! I hope I'm not waking you up with this message, but I have a small favor to ask. Sayori's not feeling one-hundred percent and I have to head into town to deal with some legal issues. Is there any way she could hang out at your place for a bit?
After a minute a short message appeared below her own.
O. Yuri: Good morning Monika, I was already awake so fret not. While I sympathize, I'm afraid I would not make a very good host at the moment. Is there nowhere else that she could stay?
Monika frowned and tapped her foot nervously. Was she also having a bad day? Perhaps her harmful tendencies were occupying her. Harmful tendencies that you've done nothing to prevent. Monika winced at her guilty conscience; she was supposed to be helping her friends and watching out for them, but with everything that had been going on not only had she forgotten about Sayori's memory concerns but she had also let Yuri's issues fall to the wayside. She could just run her errands another time, and yet…
You: There really isn't on short notice. I don't want her to have to wander around town with a broken leg, especially when it's not supposed to get above 5° today. I know I owe you a lot already, but this is super important and I can't put it off. I will seriously owe you big time.
The next message took forever to appear, leaving Monika watching the direction of the bathrooms anxiously until a small ding alerted her and she looked down to see Yuri's response.
O. Yuri: Very well. I'm already out and returning from an errand of my own, I shall swing by to pick her up in a few minutes. Please make sure she's ready.
Monika sighed with relief that mixed with heavy guilt. She felt bad for pulling Yuri in at the last minute, especially knowing that her friend was having a hard time but it would be a lot easier to stress out about getting her name changed if she wasn't busy stressing out about Sayori huddled on a park bench or worse. She made a mental note to sit and talk with Yuri about what was going on the next time they saw each other as she saw Sayori approaching from across the room. An idea suddenly crossed her mind as she gave the texts one last look and she waved her over as the two began grabbing their things.
"Hey Say, question. Does Yuri know that we're staying in a homeless shelter?" Monika asked. Sayori gave Monika an uneasy look and slowly nodded.
"Yeeeah, she does. That's kinda my fault." Sayori admitted. "She came to me shortly after I got out of the hospital because she was concerned about you, and I accidentally let it slip that we're both a little uh, homeless." Sayori gave her a guilty smile as Monika handed her her bag, and the two proceeded towards the exit with the others. "I swear it was an accident, I begged her not to tell you she knew cause I didn't want you to think you couldn't trust me, I'm really sorry Moni."
Monika shrugged, letting the revelation slide off of her shoulders. Yuri hadn't questioned why Monika was seemingly watching over Sayori, or why Sayori would be wandering around town alone without someplace to go and Monika hadn't even realized she had slipped up until realizing there had been no reaction to it. It made sense when she thought back to some of the interactions she and Yuri had shared – her insistence on housing Monika on the night of the festival was merely one of the examples she thought of. Another idea crossed her mind as she thought back to the many talks she and Yuri had, and she raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend suspiciously. "Sayori," She asked, "When's your actual birthday?"
Sayori winced as though Monika struck her; she clearly hadn't been expecting this to ever come up. "Ehehe, uh- October." The look Monika gave her seemed to indicate that she wasn't falling for it and Sayori gave a defeated sigh. "Oh alright, it's December. December twentieth. I know what you're going to ask, and I'm super-duper sorry for lying, but I wasn't sure if you were going to tell my parents where I was and I thought you'd be a bit more understanding if you thought I was just a little bit older. It was stupid and dumb and I shouldn't have lied, and I should have told you earlier but we had that whole thing about trusting one another, or when you gave me my gift but I was just caught up in the moment and I… ugh, I'm sorry." Her eyes fell to the floor.
Monika was quick to reach over and squeeze her shoulder reassuringly. She didn't want Sayori to have anything to feel upset over. "Hey, don't worry, I'm not mad. You had been out of the hospital for like, not even a day? And then you had run away too so I can't blame you for being frazzled." They passed through the doors leading out to the sidewalk where a bitter wind nipped at their hands and cheeks like mosquitoes, and the two instinctively nudged closer together. "But, maybe we could instate a kind of 'no more secrets' rule? I'm not saying we can't have our own privacy or personal lives of course, a relationship has to have some independence after all. I'm just saying that secrets usually end up hurting over helping. They alienate us, you know?"
Sayori looked thoughtful at this and nodded. "Okay, yeah that sounds fair. But-" She raised a finger for emphasis. "I want to extend this to the others as well. Even before the festival we were keeping secrets like me bribing Natsuki and the whole Himari incident. I really want all of us to sit and talk at the next club meeting so we can get everything off of our chests. Is that okay?" Monika nodded; it was honestly about time they all sat and had a nice long talk. "Good! So, what made you bring up Yuri this morning anyway. Did something happen?"
"Oh, nothing bad. Yuri said you could hang out at your place for a while so that way you don't have to stand around in the cold while I head into town! She said she was already out finishing an errand, so she's going to swing by and pick you up." She smiled sweetly, but Sayori just blinked at her as if she hadn't understood. After a moment she nodded and looked back down towards the sidewalk. Monika gazed at her curiously, unsure if she had said something wrong or if she just wasn't feeling very chatty anymore. It was still early morning after all, and as comforting as it had been, their sleeping position definitely needed work if the crick in her neck was anything to go by.
After a few minutes of quiet they saw a silver hatchback pulling up along the curb and a well-bundled Yuri nodded in greeting from the driver's side. Monika smiled and opened the door for Sayori, helping her girlfriend in getting comfortable in the seat. Once everything was set she gave her hand a loving squeeze out of sight from Yuri and said, "I'll see you in a few hours at most, okay? Text me if you need anything." Sayori smiled weakly before that familiar downcast expression reappeared and she nodded.
"I'll be okay, just focus on getting everything taken care of." Sayori urged. Monika gave her one last smile and turned to Yuri, who gave her a friendly if not exhausted looking smile in greeting. Monika mouthed the words 'You okay?' but the nod Yuri gave her was anything but reassuring. After giving a hesitant look back towards Sayori, Yuri motioned for Monika to come closer and pulled out her phone.
"Apologies, Monika, but I was wondering if Natsuki had texted you today?" She asked quietly. Monika gave her a confused look and shook her head. "Ah, I see. I received a message from her early this morning that was very hard to read, but I think she just texted me inadvertently." Yuri looked hesitant as if she herself wasn't entirely convinced, but she shook her head and brought back her tired smile. Monika raised an eyebrow, but she remembered she was on a time limit and decided that they could all talk about it later once her business was taken care of.
Not wanting to keep either of them, nor herself for that matter, she waved her friends off as they gave their farewells and drove away. The feeling of guilt did not let off as they faded from view, if anything it only seemed to instill them deeper within Monika. Two of her friends and possibly a third were having bad days, and rather than be the stand-up club leader and make sure they were okay, she was being selfish and putting herself first.
They would want you to take care of yourself, especially something you've had to put off for so long, the voice in her head told her in an attempt to soothe her. They're big girls, a bad day doesn't mean the end of the world after all. You had Yuri pick up Sayori so you wouldn't spend your whole time worrying, remember? But she wasn't so easily reassured.
"I've been putting them off too, all of them." She muttered. Well no more, it was time to step up and be the club leader those girls deserved. The friend that they deserved. Sayori had wanted to get them all together to talk, and Monika couldn't think of a better time than the present. Starting now, Monika was going to continue her mission of devoting herself to making sure her friends were happy, cared for, and striving towards a better future.
Now go put them off a little longer by dealing with your missing name, Monika, the other voice in her head chimed took a deep breath through her nostrils and shivered from the wind, beginning her walk towards town as she tried to keep her mind off of her friends. The sooner she got her business taken care of, the sooner she could sit the others down and try to open up to each other.
"Three months?! It takes three months just to get a name changed?" Monika tried to keep her tone level, but the exasperation in her voice was leaking out like water from a busted pipe. She took a deep breath and released the edge of the counter before her knuckles could whiten. She knew that something as legally significant as changing one's family name (or in her case, making one) was going to require some paperwork and time, but the severity of the blow made Monika want to pull her hair out and shriek – one step forward, two steps back.
The attendant, a middle aged woman with light crows feet and dark hair wrapped in a bun, gave her a pitying look that Monika hadn't asked for and nodded apologetically. "That's an optimistic estimation, but I'm afraid that's the likely scenario, Miss. Normally the process would take only a third of that, but your scenario is a very specialized case from what you've told me. With no previous koseki to connect you to, the amount of paperwork and court appeals you would normally go through has essentially tripled." Monika sighed at this and slowly ran her hands over her face and through her hair; it was always something with her, wasn't it?
Monika had been at the city hall for nearly an hour now and her patience had just about hit its breaking point. The first ten minutes of that hour had been filled with fear of being at risk of investigation or worse considering she had no passport, visa, or any kind of identification that she knew of until she remembered her student ID. Through that alone, the lady at the counter had been able to cross-reference a few bits of information that her student ID provided, and as it turned out, the unique spelling of name had actually come in handy for once. Not only was she indeed a legal resident of Japan, but documentation of the various foster families and adoption agencies she had been in before the hole had appeared were all there and technically available to her, and yet no original koseki to trace her back to. Part of her wanted to read in detail about the families she had been with, but she was only allowed to read the names without submitting a formal request.
She had been a Kazumi, a Matsumoto, an Ishikawa, and apparently even a Kisaragi – she briefly wondered if it had been a relative of Natsuki's. While it was both surprising and tickling to discover a glimpse into her history within this world, it didn't help her current predicament and so she was left to sit and wait in the lobby while the woman at the counter typed away at a computer. A man standing in line at another counter had kept glancing at Monika curiously, and Monika thought he looked familiar enough that he was probably the father of one of her clients, but she really didn't feel like an impromptu greeting right now. She was stressed, anxious, and more than anything she wished Sayori had come along with her. Occasionally her attendant would call in a coworker to come and assist her, and Monika would anxiously wait while they stared at the screen and scratched their head or whispered questions to each other.
What complicated matters further was her age. The attendant had told her that normally she would be transferred to an orphanage or foster-care, but she had surpassed the legal age for either of those as of her most recent birthday – a jolt passed through her as she realized that would've been around the exact time she had awoken in the clubroom. With so many conflicting and confusing details, the woman had told her that it would likely take several months and a lot of paperwork before she was actually able to obtain a family name. Monika gave one last agitated sigh and shook her head; it wasn't the attendant's fault that she had been dropped into this world with either no foresight or an almost meticulously selected amount of it.
"I apologize, this is just… well, distressing." Monika said. The attendant nodded in understanding and was able to give Monika a few tips as well as help her fill out an appeal that would have to be brought before a judge before anything else could happen. After turning it in and being wished the best, Monika forced herself to smile and stand tall while leaving the city hall, and once she was outside she felt her shoulders sag with the weight of defeat before sitting on the steps and rubbing at her eyes. She wasn't going to cry, not over this, but it was just absolutely demoralizing to find out she probably wasn't going to get her changed name before the end of term. That meant she was going to have to wait to take her final exam, and get a real job, and get a house, and everything else that she needed to do to live like a normal person.
"God, damn it I just want to live a normal life, please." She whispered. She was about to pull out her phone to find a way to Yuri's house when a voice from behind caught her attention.
"Pardon me, your name is Monika, correct?" The voice was gruff and husky, and she turned to see the man who had been glancing at her in the line was now standing behind her. The man was portly in his bright yellow sweater vest and looked to be in his mid to late forties, with a receding comb over and dark hair. He scratched at his patchy stubble and adjusted his glasses, allowing Monika to see the bright blue eyes inspecting her from afar. The same blue eyes that she had stared into lovingly just hours before. Her stomach dropped as if she just stepped into an elevator as she realized just who was standing before her.
His hand extended before her, a stern look on his face. "You likely do not remember me, but my name is Moriyama Hisoka. I apologize for disturbing you, I was simply wondering if I could ask you a few questions regarding my daughter, Sayori. Would that be okay?" Her entire body was frozen as she remembered meeting Sayori's father back when she had first arrived in this world, back before Sayori had fallen into the river, before she had realized that she cared so deeply for her. Before she knew what her parents were like. What did she say? She was under no obligation to agree, after all, she didn't technically know this man and just because he was an adult didn't mean he had any authority over her. But some other part wanted to talk to Sayori's father, to look him dead in the eye and ask what the hell had he been thinking when he left his daughter to fend for herself in a world that she knew all too well was cruel and unfair.
Perhaps it wasn't the best course of action to make out of spite, but it was hers to make. Something told her that she was needed elsewhere, and that she ought to be heading back to see Yuri and Sayori so they could all talk, but she didn't want to listen. They were both big girls, Natsuki too if you didn't speak solely of her height. What were the odds of her stumbling across one of Sayori's parents? She wouldn't get an opportunity like this again that was for sure, and more than she wanted answers, she knew Sayori deserved them. She was doing this for Sayori, not herself. Right? She took Mr. Moriyama's hand and shook strongly, casting her doubts aside as a firm smile spread on her face. "I do remember, now that you remind me. I'd be happy to answer a few questions, in fact, I'm hoping you might be able to answer some of my own."
A.N: Welcome to Act III everyone! Few things of note, I hope you all had a good holiday first off! I realize this chapter is a little short than normal, but I wanted to end the chapter where it was as opposed to extending it longer and leaving in an awkward position.
Second thing of note, another crazy bastard drew fanart! You can find it at "ratchetpowered" on twitter who drew the confession scene from chapter 15, and it just looks amazing! It boggles my mind that so many talented people enjoy this story.
Third thing, I'm going to be extending my own deadline back a week, so we'll be seeing updates from every two weeks to every three. It's not an easy choice to make given my stance on keeping a consistent schedule, especially since I said I wouldn't be doing this way back when I moved to two weeks. But I feel that as this story goes on, more time needs to be given to work with the story and plots that are going on. Quality over Quantity and all that jazz, so thank you for your understanding! Another reason adding another week was deemed necessary was because I can now announce I'm part of the "Here is a Brighter Garden" project! It's a fan magazine for DDLC that features some of the most talented artists in the fandom (Raionart, Minnzway, and MEMOSAN to name a few!) for charity, and I'll be writing a piece for it! It's an absolute honor to collaborate with artists and creators I look up to, but it does mean I need that extra week of time just to keep up with stuff. Thanks again for understanding, and I hope you enjoyed this start to Act III - see you guys in a few weeks!