Chapter 17: Dwindling Inhibitions
The chapter where malice is revealed to be ignorance.
When Monika had pictured answering Mr. Moriyama's questions, she had expected the two to retreat to a bench nearby where she would allow him a few reasonable curiosities before turning to bite him with her metaphorical teeth. So much as a disdainful mention of any kind about her girlfriend and she was ready to verbally gut him before walking away without a look behind her, and that would be that. Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly what had happened, and as a matter of fact still wasn't happening.
Monika looked around at the cushiony booth she sat in, at the warm muted lights of the cafe while the smell of fresh pastries and rice rolled around the room like a tumbling breeze. Mr. Moriyama had taken her to a dine-in restaurant not too far from the city hall, telling Monika that it was much too chilly to stand around and chat. The warmth was a welcome surprise after the wind's bitter bite, and soon Monika felt surprisingly at ease as she looked down at her breakfast; a bowl of rice topped with fermented soybean alongside a side of miso soup and a coffee to go with it. Across from her sat Mr. Moriyama who had just begun to dig into a cucumber salad that he didn't seem to be enjoying as much as he had hoped. Rather than pester her about Sayori, instead Mr. Moriyama seemed to want to know more about Monika. How school was treating her, if she was worried about the upcoming end of term, how she was enjoying her breakfast. She answered politely and honestly, unsure of how to proceed as he would nod in interest or agreement.
She had expected a cold and formal question-and-answer, not a warm breakfast with casual conversation mixed in.
Is he trying to butter me up? Monika wondered. Perhaps he thinks that if he gets on your good side, you'll be more likely to tell him about Sayori. Maybe they don't know where she is and are trying to get the information out of you! Monika shook her head and steeled her resolve, remembering the look on Sayori's face that very morning when she said she missed her parents. She wasn't going to cave just because this guy was being polite, she was stronger than that. Especially for Sayori.
Mr. Moriyama picked up a tomato and looked at it like one might inspect a bug that had been found in their food as opposed to a fruit, and made a quiet gagging noise as he stuffed it into his mouth. "Mmph, my wife was telling me I need to lose weight, so I thought eating a salad for breakfast as opposed to a pastry might help." He admitted, taking another bite. "I'll admit, when Sayori was young I would always fix us eggs and toast, but as she began sleeping in more and sometimes skipping breakfast to get to school on time, I would end up eating her half so it didn't go to waste. I should have left the whole 'eating for two' thing to expecting mothers!" He chuckled softly and looked back down at his food. Monika stared at him, completely unsure what to make of him as she took a bite of her rice.
Finally she had had enough tiptoeing around the subject, and gently placed her chopsticks down while clearing her throat. "Ahem, Mr. Moriyama?" He looked up at her, sticking a bundle of salad leaves into his mouth. "I… while I appreciate the conversation and breakfast, I am on a bit of a time limit. You said you had questions about Sayori?" The older man nodded his head and set his own chopsticks to the side as well. His face returned to the serious, almost stern look that he had given her when they had first come across each other outside the city hall.
"Yes." He stated simply. "I do indeed, forgive me, I often get quite distracted at mealtimes. For my first question, if you'll indulge me, because I am sure that you are aware of the unstable nature of her living arrangements, I would simply like to ask, 'how is she?'" They both fell into silence, and Monika felt herself go slack-jawed at the question. It wasn't inherently harmful, malicious, or even invasive, in fact it was probably one of the most innocent and fair questions that could have been asked. Yet, for some reason, this only infuriated her. She felt her fingers twitch in desire of clenching a fist, but she held it back by gritting her teeth instead as she met his eyes. How was she? How dare he.
"Terrible." Monika spat, barely containing the contempt in her voice. "Do you… do you know what she's been going through?" Mr. Moriyama simply shook his head. Of course he didn't, how could he? "I hear her crying in her sleep some nights, and I know there's nothing I can do but sit next to her and let her know that she's not completely alone by trying to soothe her. She was terrified that everyone would reject her and turn their backs on her, or think of her so differently that she wouldn't even feel like the same person anymore, and I had to stay by her side to make sure she knew her friends weren't going anywhere." It was becoming harder to keep her voice calm, or quiet for that matter, and the grip on her own hand became tighter.
"Every time she finds something that makes her happy she convinces herself that she's in the wrong for feeling even the slightest bit of joy because she's convinced that she's a bad person. Imagine, ahah, thinking that you're a bad person for existing, for not falling into some arbitrary societal norm that was pressured upon you so much that you would rather run away from your own home than stay and be treated like you're… like you're broken." Her heart broke as she thought of Sayori standing on the bridge and looking over the edge, riling herself up as she contemplated her consequences. Oh god, my p-parents are going to find out! And then it stitched itself back together with anger and passion as she stared fury into those pale blue eyes. "Imagine being scared of the one place where you are supposed to be safe."
Insult me, ask how I dare to speak to you in such a way so I can ask how you dare to treat my girlfriend like she's something to be fixed. The retorts were ready on her tongue, and she watched his movements like a hawk for any sign of aggression or disapproval. But she saw none. Instead she watched as he slowly bowed his head in what looked like remorse and undoubtedly shame.
"Thank you." He spoke slowly and softly, as if he had been lectured by an employer instead of a teenage girl. "I have spent many nights wondering what my daughter must be feeling, and though it hurts my heart like no other pain and I am mortified that I was correct, I thank you for finally allowing me to know." A million questions ran through Monika's head as she stared down at his still bowed head. This hadn't been the reaction she expected, that was for sure. Rather than keep them bottled up she forced one of the questions out in an attempt to keep a controllable grasp on the situation.
"Then why? You have a phone, and I know she does. All you had to do was send a text." Monika said, not bothering to hide the vitriol in her voice. "You could've called the school, or… you already know where she is, don't you?" A part of Monika refused to believe that Sayori's parents were dense enough to not know where she had been staying all this time, the other part didn't dare give them the credit. Mr. Moriyama looked uncomfortable at this, raising his head and tapping his fingers together while keeping his gaze on the food still sitting between them. In an effort to fill in the silence he took his chopsticks and stuck another bundle of lettuce and spinach leaves into his mouth, and Monika in turn turned to her miso soup. She would give him a second to compose himself, she wanted the truth and not a bundle of half baked answers spouted in desperation after all.
Finally he spoke. "If you are willing to listen, I will explain. I am sure from an outside perspective we, as parents, must seem like dismal failures." Monika bit back a snappy Yeah, no shit. She was here to listen. "Perhaps we are. Ahem, from the beginning I suppose? When we first found out about Sayori's fall, we were quite stricken with panic and grief, as any parent would, I think. I do not know what all Sayori has told you if anything, but we were well aware of her condition for many years before what happened in October. We were under the impression that through therapy and constant monitoring we had managed to help her push past that part of her life, and after two years we had the smiling and cheerful daughter we had watched grow up come back to us. We thought that was the end of it."
"Our fears came to light when we heard about the incident. My wife and I panicked, fearing everything we worked so hard for was crumbling…" His voice choked at that and he had to take a moment to readjust himself. Monika suddenly became very interested in the other diners around her. "... crumbling down around us. We dug through Sayori's school binders, her laptop, her phone, desperate to find out where we had slipped up. How had our daughter who smiled brighter than the sun itself suddenly slipped back into such an unhealthy mindset? We saw the text of a girl who had rejected her; I had forgotten how cruel teenagers can be. That along with her fears of how others at her school would react if they discovered her… feelings towards other girls, of her depression. Her depression that had never truly left." He sighed and took a deep sip from his mug of green tea, giving Monika a chance to speak up.
"She hid it for your sake." She wasn't sure if it was her place to say it, she wasn't even sure if she said it out of spite or reassurance. Mr. Moriyama didn't give a clear indication of which he took as either, he only nodded and turned back to look at her with fingers drumming against the table.
"Did she? I should have guessed, that girl would gladly cut a piece of herself out and give it away if it would make someone else whole. On one hand, I am proud to have my daughter be so compassionate in a world that is so willing to take. On the other, I have always feared that in her rush to help those around her she would give too much of herself away. After what we had discovered, my wife and I came to the conclusion that this had been a warning sign, from the Gods themselves." So was that what this had all been for? Religion? Monika knew just a bit too much about the very fabrics of different realities to put any kind of stock in religion, and she repressed a scoff. If all of this nonsense that had cost her girlfriend so much pain and misery only existed because of something that she was certain didn't exist, she was going to break the table she sat under and every table in the restaurant over this man's head.
Monika shifted in her seat and asked, "So is that why when you brought her home you tried to console her with promises of moving schools and new therapists?" She felt her teeth clench together. "Is that why you told her there was something wrong with her, that she needed to be fixed like some kind of broken doll? Why you'd want to send someone so pure and undeserving to conversion therapy? So you'd look like perfect parents with a perfect daughter?" She lowered her voice to a whisper after noticing that some of the other patrons were beginning to glance over. "Or because your Gods told you to?" She felt herself boiling from the inside out, and something inside her head told her she was going to become dangerous if this conversation didn't change soon. Sure, she had lost against three girls her age and against Natsuki in a one-on-one, but at that moment she didn't care. She wished she could hone in on that deep well of patience Yuri always seemed to have, but she just wasn't sure she had it in her.
Mr. Moriyama's eyes widened slightly and Monika was certain she had finally kicked the sleeping dragon hard enough. His mouth turned back in a grimace, but instead of a roar he let out a good natured laugh and sat back against his booth, smiling warmly at Monika. She was dumbstruck. What was so funny? He let out a final chuckle and upon seeing her face, waved a hand away dismissively with a smile still on his face.
"Ah, I'm very sorry, that probably wasn't the reaction you expected. If you will allow an old man a moment of levity, I simply came to a realization is all, and I promise to explain it after our business is finished. Well, since you clearly know some of this story already, I will spare you the details you likely know." He took another sip of tea while Monika continued to stare at him utterly flabbergasted, and she came to the conclusion that Sayori's father might just be a tad bit crazy. This in turn would fit in with everything else that she knew about the man, and explain his less than ample parenting skills.
"Well," He continued, "When we saw Sayori's note and realized she had run away it was quite a tumultuous situation to say the least. My wife, Aimi, was in hysterics and had assumed she had left to try and take her life again. I was not as convinced, especially when I saw that our daughter's phone, charger, as well as the travel bag we got her were all missing." He gave a shake of the head and sighed, exasperation clear on his features.. "They say a frog in a well knows nothing of the sea, but even I can hazard a guess that a dying girl does not pack an extra pair of clothes. I actually uh, I keep the note with me." He pulled out his wallet and showed a piece of folded up notebook paper sticking out of a corner. "I like to think of it as a reminder of sorts, of my failure to her. Speaking of, did she take my old jacket?"
Between his appetite (or lack thereof at the sight of the salad) and polite but casual demeanor mixed with general good-natured attitude, there was no doubt in her mind that he and Sayori were related, but she kept the image of Sayori silently crying on her cot in the forefront of her mind. "She did." She replied icily, hoping her frosty tone would suggest that she was growing impatient. Mr. Moriyama nodded and took another bite of his salad, resulting in Monika's eye twitching. God, did he ever get to the point?
"I'm glad she remembered to stay warm at least, even if I did like that jacket. Anyway, I read Sayori's note again and I remember sitting on her bed and thinking to myself, 'Why would she run away? Is she confused? Overwhelmed?' and I thought about the type of person my daughter is. Always a helper, always putting others first, and it gave me the idea to phone up the Helping-Hands Shelter while my wife was out driving looking for her." He wiped his hands on the napkin in his lap and sat back, patting his stomach while Monika gave the half-eaten bowl of greens an unimpressed look. "Naturally they told me that she was staying there, and-" But something about that sentence flicked a switch in Monika and she leaned forward, motioning towards Mr. Moriyama in frustration.
"Wait you- you knew she was there the whole time? You knew?! But why- why on earth didn't you come and try and take her home? You had the authority, you had the capability, but you didn't. She was scared, cold, and hungry, a-a-and barely able to walk for God's sake!" A part of her was trying to tell herself it was a good thing, that home hadn't been a good place for Sayori to be at at the time. The other part of her that remembered her days of debate club were screaming at how a parent could let their freshly discharged, depressed, suicidal daughter wander off to a homeless shelter without bothering to intervene.
Mr. Moriyama nodded solemnly, his smile lowering into a far more disheartened expression as he bore his eyes into the polished table they sat at. "Yes. She was scared, scared enough to run away from a home that we had thought to be a sanctuary. I sat in her room pondering, thinking to myself about everything we had said, and everything we had done, and somewhere on that bed I believe the Gods helped me realize that our daughter did not feel safe in her own home because of us. And so, I could not bring myself to drag her back to a place she was so keen to get away from."
"So, what? You didn't think about changing the kind of household you had molded, or to apologize for how you had made her feel, you just sat back and said, 'Oopsie-Daisy'?" Monika interjected. A passing waiter stopped by to deliver their check, but seemed to notice the tense conversation and quickly continued past them. Monika ignored him.
"Believe me when I say that I tried." Mr. Moriyama said firmly. "When my wife returned I sat her down and discussed what I had learned, and suggested that we should rethink how we approach our daughter. I said that perhaps this was a sign from the Gods that we were only on the path to shunning our daughter as opposed to helping her." There was a silence for a moment before Mr. Moriyama gave a dark chuckle and interlocked his fingers. "She disagreed. You see, Aimi is very passionate about how we present ourselves as a sign of respect to the Gods, and seems to lack the faith in Sayori that I have. She was convinced that Sayori would either try to take her life again, or wind up in a yakuza den if we were not there to guide her. It led to some rather shameful behavior between the two of us, and as horrible as it may sound, I am glad Sayori was not living with us at that time."
Monika gave him a look as she finished her soup and placed her spoon over the top. Was he still skirting around the original question, or did she truly need to know all of this to understand why he had never bothered to talk to Sayori? Speaking up she asked, "Surely you haven't been avoiding her because you're ashamed of how you made her feel? Isn't her safety and comfort more important? If you just cast her aside because you think you're protecting her, all you're doing is making her feel like a burden to you and that you don't want her around, and it's really important that she feels wanted for the sake of being wanted as opposed to keeping her around out of pity-" Monika froze, her lips gaped as a single intrusive thought managed to worm past her defenses and ask something that she should have asked herself far earlier.
Isn't that what you did to her?
Monika groaned and rubbed her eyes as she realized how much of an idiot she was. Hadn't she and Sayori just talked last night about how she feels like everyone has to keep an eye on her because they worry about her? And what had she done but whisk Sayori off for someone else to take care of while she was busy. She hadn't asked Sayori if she wanted to go with Yuri, she hadn't asked Sayori anything on the matter in fact. She remembered the look Sayori had given her as she urged Monika to go take care of business, and not to worry about her – because she had felt like a burden. The voice in her head smiled triumphantly, but Monika ignored it in favor of pulling out her phone and sending a quick text to her girlfriend in a feeble attempt to make up for her mistake.
You: Hey! I'm going to be on my way over there soon, and I just got some breakfast. Do you want anything?
Monika thought about bringing up the fact that she had ended up grabbing breakfast with her girlfriend's dad, but something told her that wouldn't look good on text. She didn't have to wait long for a response.
Sunflower: No thanks, Yuri had some leftover curry sauce that she made for us. But if you want to pick me up a cookie I'd let you.
You: Oh, you'll let me, will you? :P
Monika smirked and stuffed her phone into her bag. At least Sayori didn't hate her. Probably. Her phone flashed a battery symbol before she buried it and she frowned. Was it really about to die? She silently cursed herself for not charging it the night prior and turned back to the table. It seemed Mr. Moriyama had been thinking about what Monika had said almost as much as she had been, since he seemed to still be in deep contemplation. She made sure to flag a waiter to purchase an extra large double fudge cookie that fit into both of her hands easily and tucked it aside, a spark of excitement tugging at her as she thought of the smile she'd get from Sayori for this. Mr. Moriyama called for the check, seeing as how they had both finished their meals and the two were ready to depart.
As they stood from the table he looked at Monika as if assessing her again and nodded. "You asked why I haven't spoken to Sayori? In truth, her mother and I are quite at odds over how to raise our daughter, amongst other things. So much so in fact…" He paused as he reached down and lifted a stack of papers from the briefcase he had brought with him. "That we've begun seeking legal assistance in filing for divorce. I was personally vying for a judicial separation, but it does not seem to be in my favor. That is why we crossed paths at the city hall, as a matter of fact." Monika's mouth dropped as she stared up at Sayori's father, bewilderment spread across her face. Why was he telling her this? This was a matter of private affair, surely not meant for anyone's ears except those involved and Monika certainly wasn't. Did Sayori know? Surely she would have been told somehow, before Monika ever would at least? She couldn't manage a word of response before he continued on with a sigh.
"Which leads me to my main point of why I have avoided Sayori. The simple truth is… I am afraid, Ms. Monika. I am afraid of an seventeen year old girl, and looking her in the eyes and telling that I have failed her as a parent in more ways than one, and that every second that piles up is another second of my increasing failure." He held up a hand, clearly anticipating the outburst that was on the verge of Monika's tongue. "I understand that she would likely forgive me in favor of having her family back together, but that is not what keeps me awake; I know my daughter is a forgiving person in her core. The question is if I can forgive myself, if I can bring myself to face her with the pain my ignorance and panic has brought upon my family. What kind of father would I be if I let my daughter forgive me for such failure without finding a way to make amends?"
Monika raised a finger as another rebuttal formed on her lips, but she held it back. She wanted to tell him to cast aside whatever manner of honor and pride he was clinging to, that his daughter was more important, but the sincerity in his voice convinced her not to. There would be no point; a cry on deaf ears as she realized he was still trying to do what he thought was right – even if she disagreed with what 'right' was in this scenario. He was damn right that he had to find a way to make it up to Sayori, she would not argue with that, she just wished he would let her know that he cared. A simple "I love you" text even, though she wondered if that wouldn't come off as shallow. Relaying the message wouldn't be as sincere, and with a jolt Monika realized she had no idea how she was going to tell Sayori about all of this. Should she tell Sayori about it at all?
"Now," He began, "I believe you mentioned you were on a time limit? I apologize for keeping you." Monika nodded and went to reach for the check to see what her part of the bill came to, but he swiped it out from under her and shook his finger. "Ah, I believe it is only customary for a father to meet and assess who his daughter is dating. The least I may do is pay for your meal." In an instant Monika's face was as warm as his smile and she could no longer look him in the eyes.
"Wha- I'm not- how did… wait, is that what you realized earlier?!" She asked, a mixture of fury and embarrassment tugging at her skin as Mr. Moriyama delivered the check. He gave another chuckle and nodded, the two of them exiting back out into the frigid air as a blanket of clouds covered the sky above them. What had given their relationship away? He didn't sound upset or disgusted, if anything he seemed almost proud, something Monika would gladly take as opposed to spite or disapproval. She furrowed her brow as something cold brushed her nose and she blinked up at the sky to see small flakes of snow floating down around her. Snow? This certainly hadn't been in the weather report this morning.
Mr. Moriyama seemed to guess at what she had been thinking about and said, "Your love for her flows like a waterfall from you, like any love should. Your fury and protectiveness were clear giveaways, as I think only someone who felt so strongly could have stood up and chastised someone's parents in their stead." He chuckled and shook his head, glancing up at the flakes descending around the two of them. "It reminds me of when I was young and in love." They were silent for a moment before Monika turned and asked one last question that was on her mind before they departed, something that had been gnawing at her throughout half of breakfast.
"Why did you tell me all of that?" She asked sincerely. "Like, about your divorce. You could have simply told me that you were afraid of confronting her."
"Because I cannot tell Sayori, not of her mother and I, nor how I feel about what transpired." He said simply. "I could tell that you felt much animosity towards me when we first sat down, and I suspect that from your perspective, one who has only seen the consequences of my actions as opposed to the reasoning, I must look like a terrible father. Perhaps I am, for I cannot even tell my daughter that her mother and I are filing for divorce and have inadvertently placed that burden on you instead, and for that I am sorry. But," He straightened his vest and promptly turned to her, bowing his upper half low before her as if she were some great deity instead of a highschool girl.
"You, who have risked death and injury itself for my daughter. You who have watched over her, and protected her from the world. You who have shown her love and care when I could not, I thank you." As appreciative as Monika was for Mr. Moriyama's thanks, she found herself embarrassed to be thanked so profoundly out in public and silently wished he could have just shaken her hand. "Thank you for answering my questions, and for keeping Sayori safe. It is because of the friends that she has that I am confident she will manage without her parents hovering over her. She is uncoordinated like her mother and talkative like her father, but she is a good kid and I have no choice but to ask that she remain in your care for a little while longer." His voice had begun to crack halfway through his words, and Monika could have sworn she heard him choke up once or twice. She couldn't see his face as he remained bowed over, but she suspected this was on purpose.
With a deep breath Monika slowly bowed in response, her hands glued stiffly to her sides. "I understand. Thank you for putting your trust in me, her safety and happiness have and will continue to be my number one priority." She realized how strange of an exchange it was, but there was something official about the manner in which they spoke to each other. She smirked as she realized that this very well may have been his manner of giving her his blessing. "I do have a request, if you will. Return Sayori's money that was in her savings account, as while I don't mind buying her necessities I know she would feel less of a burden if she was able to spend her own money, especially since we think she may need to make another trip to the doctor's. Please." She added politely.
Mr. Moriyama slowly raised his torso, though he looked rather confused as if he hadn't quite heard Monika and shook his head. "I'm afraid I do not understand what you mean, Sayori's money is where it has always been."
"Um, no. Sayori tried to withdraw yen the day after she ran away and there was only… a thousand yen, I think?" She didn't have to try hard to remember, the day she and Sayori had gone by the ATM just down the street stood out in her mind thanks to her run in with Natsuki. The dejected look on Sayori's face on the walk home also stood out in her mind rather vividly. Mr. Moriyama's face remained confused for a moment before it slowly morphed into a mixture of fury and hurt that did not match the kind-hearted face she had grown accustomed to seeing over the past forty minutes.
His fists clenched together and he muttered something that Monika thought might be a prayer up to the sky before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a wallet. "Inconceivable." He muttered, frisking through the wallet and pulling out a ten-thousand yen note that he handed to Monika who gaped at him. "Inexcusable." He grumbled, placing another note in her hand. "To think I married… intolerant!" He gave Monika several more notes, coming to a total of fifty-thousand yen sitting in Monika's hand as she tried to wrap her mind over what was happening. After stuffing his wallet back into his pocket, he flipped out his phone and gave Monika a final bow. "Those are for Sayori, I trust you to deliver those to her, and to let her know that she is still on our insurance. Do not let money be a deterrent from getting her medication or anything else, and while it was a pleasure to share breakfast with you, I must now make a very firm but polite phone call."
Monika nodded and mumbled a bewildered, "Uh, you too." before watching Mr. Moriyama quickly speed-walk down the sidewalk with his briefcase in one hand and his phone in the other. The series of events from leaving the city hall to now were like a blur to her, making her feel almost dizzy as she tried to process it all. As she began heading in the opposite direction, she tried to get a grasp on how exactly she felt about Sayori's father now that she had gotten the chance to know him. He wasn't the stern business-type she had expected, but rather he shared the warmth and buoyancy that she often saw on Sayori's good days. She couldn't exactly think of him as a good father given some of his seemingly naive choices, but she could understand and respect that he was at least trying to do better. She could always respect someone trying to better themselves.
She did find it funny, if not slightly alarming, that he was so willing to trust her with fifty-thousand yen to give to Sayori after they had only had breakfast together, though she did worry about how to go about giving it to Sayori without telling her it was from her father. As she played out various scenarios of finding a way to slip the money into Sayori's bag while briskly walking through the winter winds, she felt a buzz in her shirt pocket and figured it must be Sayori wondering when she would be finished. Instead she could only raise an eyebrow at the long string of text that had been sent to her, Natsuki's name at the top stuck out like a sore thumb and she took shelter in the doorway of a nearby building to read the text fully.
K. Natsuki: God damn created Parfait Girls then fucking anime copyright and shit right fucking Minori got me baking in the first place god damn cake fuck Monika shit have you seen this shit oh my god I can't even fucking believe this shit I just read this entire series at school on a Saturday fuck Minori had a big crush like the Alice gay who the hell wrote Parfait Girls I need to know starts with a Y
Monika stared at the text for a moment, taking a minute to try and decipher the text before letting out a small giggle and shaking her head. This must've been the type of text Yuri had mentioned to her earlier, and while she could see how someone like Yuri might find it worrisome, the thought of Natsuki angrily texting her frustration about what she thought might've been a manga of some sort only made her chuckle. She slid the phone back and braced herself for the chilling winds, thinking back to the text and wondering what Natsuki had meant by reading at school on a Saturday. Had that been a part of her jumbled response, or was she actually hanging out at the school during the weekend? She could have sent a text, but the school was on the way to Yuri's house if she was remembering directions right.
Plus, she really wanted to throw the line, "had a big crush like the Alice gay" to Natsuki just to tease her.
Natsuki had been back in the literature club for just two weeks, and while Monika had expected things to be a bit of resistance going forward she had been caught off guard by the utter compliance Natsuki showed in the club. She didn't argue when Monika suggested something new, or bark at Sayori's close-quarters teasing, nor did she scoff at Yuri's insights to the subtext of the new hardcover she had been reading. Monika had even tried to bring out some of that typical Natsuki ire by complimenting her hair ribbons and calling them cute, but Natsuki had only stared at her for a moment before saying "Thanks." and going back to her manga. It wasn't that she minded the docility from her clubmates, it just didn't feel right – as if she was forcing herself to be indifferent or inconspicuous. She could understand that from Yuri, but Natsuki? It rubbed her the wrong way.
A familiar buzz indicated another text just as she saw the topmost part of the school peeking over the trees, and she slid out her phone to see another message from Natsuki.
K. Natsuki: YOKOYAMA KEIKO
Monika stared at her phone, nonplussed. She rolled her eyes after a second and pocketed her phone again, strolling up to the front doors and peeking inside only to find it empty, dark, and after a jiggle of the handle, locked. She wasn't terribly surprised considering it was a Saturday, but unless Natsuki had managed to slip through a window she didn't figure she was actually inside. Instead she decided to wheel around to the back where the courtyard was, mud and slippery pieces of concrete telling her that the weather had been a bit more wet in this part of town. At the crest of a little hill against the wall of the school was a bundle of pink and cream. Natuski sat with one knee up and the other on the slope, a stack of what Monika could assume was manga and what looked like two bottles of soda beside her, one tall and one small. She smiled and gave a small wave as she began her trudge up the hill, desperately wishing she had had the foresight to borrow Sayori's coat as the flakes continued to litter the ground around her.
Natsuki wore a fluffy cream-colored coat that had big puffballs on the end of the drawstrings and her hair was pressed down flat, wet from the recent rain if Monika had to guess. Natsuki didn't immediately acknowledge her, raising an eyebrow as if she didn't recognize Monika for a moment before sitting back against the wall with a shrug. "What are you doing here dude? School's not open on the weekends." Natsuki mumbled.
Monika snorted as she approached, careful to sit on the grass instead of the mud as she slid down beside Natsuki. "You don't say? Pretty sure I'm the one who should be asking that, since I got your text that someone 'had a big crush like the Alice gay'." She giggled and nudged Natsuki, but as she did so she noticed something wasn't right. Her pastel-pink eyes were unfocused and her lips sat just barely agape. There was a lingering odor of spoiled apples when she breathed out, sharp and bitter on Monika's tongue that made her nose wrinkle. An idea suddenly struck her and she peeked up past Natsuki towards the tall bottle of soda that she saw wasn't soda at all. The words "White Rice" were just visible from her angle, and she turned to Natsuki with a dispirited glare.
"Nat, is this- have you been drinking?" She asked. She already knew the answer between the glossy look and the sharp smell, the fact that the bottle was missing a few shots worth only furthered her suspicions. At least the slurred text made a lot more sense now. Natsuki groaned and batted a hand at Monika as if she were a mosquito instead of her friend, but after a moment she picked the bottle up and stared into it with a hollow sigh.
"Didn't ask you to come up here and judge me, you know." Natsuki mumbled darkly. "Was actually trying to be alone and get out of the house but, well, guess that's what I get for texting while drinking. Ugh." Her head lolled from one side to the other and Monika snatched the bottle from her hand, peering down at the contents label and scanning it for what she was looking for.
"Ginger, rice… Where's the… '100-Proof'?! Jesus Nat, this thing has an alcohol level of fifty percent!" She chastised, turning to glare at her friend. Natsuki groaned again and threw her hands over her ears as if it would stop Monika's lecturing. It did not. "Where on earth did you get this? Or better yet, why are you perched behind the school on a Saturday drinking vodka and reading manga? Is this- is this a normal thing for you?"
"No… believe it or not I didn't wake up and go like, 'Aw yeah I want to drink cheap vodka and look like some kind of wanna-be delinquent by hanging around empty buildings.'" Natsuki scoffed. "I was hoping to just relax here alone and read my magna- my manga, and have a smoke or two, but the guy who usually buys them for me wasn't there so like… I had to steal this from my dad's fucking uh, his cabinet-" She motioned to the bottle again and Monika clapped a hand against her own forehead.
"Jesus fucking Christ Natsuki, seriously?" Monika was in shock, running a hand through her hair as shook her head and tried to get a grasp on the situation. "Did you- so you thought rather than smoking a cigarette, that drinking vodka straight out of the bottle was a smart way to spend your Saturday?" It was the kind of situation that Monika could imagine happening, but now that actually was here in front of her she wasn't quite sure what to do. Not to mention it was Natsuki, someone who she knew for a fact often went without eating – something that would make her intoxication all the more worse.
Natsuki narrowed her eyes at Monika and shook her head, though she seemed to become dizzy almost immediately and quickly stopped as she grabbed her temple. "Oh shut up, it kept me warm. Rain was cold as shit, and now it's like… snowing and, eugh. Cold and wet. I just wanted somewhere… you drink it then if you don't like me having it so bad- oh wait, you're so much better than me, so you won't. You don't c-care, you just wanna be the good guy…" She muttered and held her hands over her eyes as she took a deep breath, as if she was stopping herself from retching. Monika set the bottle between them, keeping a hand on the neck of it as she watched her friend with a mixture of pity and disappointment. Naturally her first instinct was to be the responsible one and not give in to Natsuki's feeble taunts, but at the same time she could tell the girl still felt hints of inferiority and resentment towards her for everything that had happened.
Against her better judgment, she popped the cap and raised the bottle to her lips in an attempt to placate Natsuki. The moment she tried to swallow, the intense burning and revolting taste forced her to spew the remaining alcohol over the grass as it dribbled down her lips and out her nostrils. She immediately began coughing and heaving, with Natsuki reaching over to smack her back while all of the voices inside her head promptly said, 'Idiot'. She heard Natsuki offer something to her and she blindly reached behind her until she felt something cold in her hands and she quickly brought it to her lips.
Natsuki watched from beside her, smirking to herself as she said, "Yeah, burns like fire. It's why I was using ramune as a chaser. You've never uh, you've never drank before, have you?"
"Dere. Ahm not-" Monika let loose another flurry of coughs and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I'm not any better than you, you know it, and I know it. And no, I haven't." She thought she could see a bit of respect behind those pink eyes, and after twisting the cap back on the liquor and sticking it between their outstretched feet she sighed and sunk back against the wall. "Have you?"
Natsuki shrugged, looking down at the grass and patting her knees. "Not really, but like, you watch someone do it enough and you get to understand how to do it without it burning… too much. Same with cigarettes, it's all about… it's about the technique. Now those…" She chuckled and shook her head, looking off towards the tree line with a stare longer than anyone her age should have had. "... Those I have done before. Often, but not like, often enough for you guys to smell it on me. It's why I knew where Kusumoto smoked, she took my freaking spot."
Monika nodded and nudged the liquor bottle with her foot. "So, was this to try and help replicate the buzz of smoking?" She asked delicately, still trying to get the taste out of her mouth. Natsuki shrugged and reached for the bottle again, and Monika was almost tempted to stop her but rather than take another swig her friend only stared at the bottle, a tired look on her face. She sighed and instead took a sip from the soda bottle instead, sitting both down between them afterwards with a weak cough to follow.
"This is going to sound… really, really stupid." Natsuki muttered. "But like, movies and anime always make it seem like drinking makes you forget. I know smoking is bad, I'm not stupid, but it just kinda makes me less jittery and anxious. With alcohol, I thought if I uh, drank a bottle of something I'd like, forget that everyone hates my guts. Sayori tries to be nice but I know it's… weird, kinda forced. I tried being all clingy and friendly with her like she does but it just seemed to distance her more. And Yuri…" She scoffed and kicked a tuft of grass and mud down the hill with her heel. "We've talked, but it was just like, uh… fuck, what's the word? I don't know, clearing the air? She told me she wouldn't yell at me, which is nice but it's all just awkward and weird, cause everyone is just… forced to interact with me. So I just sit there and try to shut up so I don't make anyone else mad and get kicked out…"
"I wouldn't kick you out, Natsuki. The club is your home too." Monika managed, but she wasn't sure what else to say. She stared at Natsuki empathetically, knowing that to try and disagree would only be insulting to how she felt. There was no use trying to dumb down how the others felt about Natsuki, and she respected her clubmate too much to even attempt it, so instead she remained silent. A quiet but keen ear to listen to all of the troubles and concerns that Natsuki couldn't normally tell other people, that's what Monika could be. Natsuki looked as though she was going to cry with her hands balled up and close to her face, but she suddenly reached out and took another swig of the liquor before chasing it with the soda, much to Monika's dismay. The two girls sat in silence after that and more contemplative as both thought to themselves for a time. Finally Natsuki broke the silence.
"This is, like... the worst thing I've ever solten- stolen, I mean. 'Solten' isn't a word. Probably." She gave a small hiccup and turned to Monika who was still trying to find a way to respond. "Wha'bout you? What's the worst you've ever taken from someone, like the most... the most valuable thing?"
"Who says I've ever stolen anything?" Monika asked with a raised brow.
"I can see it, dummy. It's like, sooo much easier to tell what people do after you do the exact same stuff. You know what I mean, I can tell you've taken something, tell me." She urged, nudging Monika with the bottom of the bottle. Monika wasn't sure if Natsuki was trying to offer her another sip or simply get her attention, but she pushed the bottle away regardless. What had she stolen? Well she knew she had never gone into a convenience store or a jewelry store and stolen merchandise off the shelves, but something told her she wasn't quite so innocent as to disagree with Natsuki.
"Well," Monika began slowly. "I've stolen plenty of things, but I think the most heinous thing I've taken is futures. Every little action I've ever made has affected someone's future. I've probably altered so many outcomes of people's lives in the selfish pursuit of my own, but I hope I've taken away more bad futures than good. I guess I've stolen time from people too, wasting it and using it when it can never be returned to them." Monika's voice grew softer as she watched the flashes of yellow peeking behind the gaps of the frigid haze above them. "Every lie I've ever told robbed someone's right to the truth, or every time I cheated and went behind someone's back I technically took from them the right to fairness… and trust." For a second Monika worried her own eyes would water, but she managed to resist the tears. She was strong enough to know of those failures, and accept them.
Natsuki stared at Monika, her mouth agape for a moment until she turned her attention back to the bottle though she didn't drink from it. Finally she sat the bottle back down and shrugged. "Yeah, I ain't got shit on that." She slurred. "You're Lupin the Third and I'm whatzisface, the prison guy from that one musical who stole like, a chuck of bread or something. Chunk, not chuck. Hehe, Jesus I can't talk." Natsuki let out a sigh and smiled a goofy smile at Monika, one that neither of them saw very often, one that had been brought out by lowered inhibitions. "Thank you, for checking on me… I don't say this ever, because I'm sure you'll hold it over my head but… you're a damn good friend. You try, and that's more than a lot of people do… that's more than I do and… I'm sorry for hurting you, you know?" Her eyes drooped and she raised her arm towards Monika's but her hand collided with the bottle instead and both girls watched as it tumbled over and began to roll down the hill, spilling its contents along the mud and grass.
Natsuki's eyes widened and she let out a panicked, "Shit!" before racing to her feet. Monika had a nasty feeling that Natsuki hadn't moved since she started drinking, because as soon as she stood from her spot against the wall she wobbled and toppled over as well, spiraling down the hill in the same path as her alcohol before Monika could stop her. Monika quickly rose to her feet, cursing under her breath as she carefully slid down the hill with one hand on the grass to keep her balance until she got to the base where Natsuki lay. The bottle had rolled against the trunk of a tree, empty, but Monika ignored it and instead lifted Natsuki's head up gently to make sure she was alright. Her face was streaked with mud and tufts of grass, as was her hoodie, but otherwise she seemed to be fine by Monika's standards. Her eyes opened slowly as if waking from a deep sleep, and she glanced at Monika who flashed her a small smile.
"Hey, easy. You alright? You didn't hit your head on any roots or the bottle, did you?" She asked.
"Bottle… oh fuck, ish all gone innit? My papa's… he's gonna fuckin' kill me…" She mumbled, eyes closing again just as tears began to form at the corners and her head rolled against Monika's arm. The gentle breathing told Monika that Natsuki had likely only blacked out, but she was worried for her friend nonetheless. She silently told herself to remain calm and do something smart like assess the situation carefully, and then think of a solution. Natsuki was drunk and passed out, she'd have to find a way to move her… but how? She brought out her phone and tapped on her contacts, but a textbox with the words "Powering Off" was her only warning as her phone suddenly went dark and she was left with only her frustrated reflection in the glass.
Shit.
Natsuki had a phone, didn't she? Monika quickly patted through the pockets until she pulled out a little smartphone with a pink cat-case and tried to bring up the menu, but the phone was locked by a password. Monika groaned and leaned over to pat Natsuki's cheek to try and get her to unlock her phone, and when that didn't work she resorted to shaking, but quickly stopped when she accounted for the possibility of it making Natsuki sick. Reluctantly, she stood Natsuki up and wrapped an arm over her shoulder to try and leverage her, but the dead weight was simply too much to even attempt to walk. Frustration flushing her face, Monika set Natsuki down and lightly smacked her cheek again.
"Natsuki?"
"Eurhm."
"Nat, I need your help here. I need you to grab onto me, okay? If you can't walk, then you gotta hold onto me or something, okay? Work with me."
"Fugn', leave m'lone."
"Oh for God's sake, just come here."
After a minute of maneuvering Monika finally managed to position Natsuki behind her, allowing her to give her a piggyback ride so long as she kept herself bent forward enough that she didn't slide off. She wasn't exactly heavy either, Monika realized as she hoisted Natsuki's by her thighs and set off for the sidewalk. The soda and empty vodka bottle were unfortunate sacrifices as Monika had no room in her bag whatsoever after stuffing Natsuki's manga inside, and while her conscience reprimanded her for contributing to the decline of the planet's health, she figured Natsuki would thank her more for keeping her manga dry.
Yuri's house is still the closest place, right? She was only a few miles from the school, we took a left past the school and then we turned right when we got to that pond and… Monika sighed, she'd remember the way eventually. The worst case scenario was she would have to interrupt someone's Saturday to ask to borrow their phone so she could call Yuri, assuming she could remember her number of course.
Silently Monika walked down the sidewalk past the trees whilst listening to the wind whistling through the trees, or the sound of a car horn in the distance as she carried Natsuki through the gentle flakes that melted the moment they touched the ground. It was peaceful, were it not for the cold and muddy girl snoring beside her ear as she trudged down the street, occasionally readjusting Natsuki for an easier position on her back. It was a good thing she was as light as she was, Monika wasn't entirely convinced she'd have been able to carry her all the way to Yuri's house otherwise. It was only after they had left the school and passed a large pond that she felt Natsuki lurch behind her. She stopped and glanced back at her friend, concern welling up inside her until she saw the look on Natsuki's face and she realized what was happening a second before it did. She quickly shut her eyes and turned her head the other direction as Natsuki leaned back and let out a horrendous retching, trying to ignore the sound of bile spewing across the grass.
"You know," Monika muttered as she continued walking in an eager attempt to distance them both from the acidic smell, "If I had a hundred-yen coin for everytime you puked around me, I'd have two-hundred yen. Which you know, isn't a lot, but…" She trailed off as Natsuki dry-heaved in response before finally laying her head on Monika's shoulder and shivered, though whether it was from the cold or the discomfort of puking Monika couldn't say. They quietly continued their journey, with Monika finding herself thankful there weren't as many cars down these roads. While she was sure she simply looked like an older sister carrying her tired sibling home, anyone who gave them a second glance might have assumed Monika had mugged her.
After nearly forty-five minutes of carrying Natsuki, with one wrong turn and several moments spent trying to remember the path, Monika finally saw the blue tiled roof of Yuri's house peeking through the trees. They were like a lighthouse in the storm of exhaustion and freezing winds that she had no respite from, and she forced herself to pick up the pace so as to reach her respite quicker. Wasn't she supposed to be athletic? Her heavy breathing and strained leg muscles told her that she wasn't as in shape as she wanted to be, and she made a mental note to go jogging before the weather became too unbearable. Yuri's car was the only one in the driveway, a relief to Monika considering what she was about to do. When she reached the front porch she nearly banged on the paper and wood door, but considered the fact that Yuri not be thankful for such a greeting. She was careful to balance Natsuki as she raised a hand and lightly but firmly rapped her knuckles against the wood.
"Yuri?" Monika called out. There was no answer. She knocked again, this time a little harder. "Yuri, please, I really could use your help right about now." The only response was Natsuki mumbling in her sleep. Not wanting to risk damaging the door, Monika decided to slide the door open and step inside the entryway where several pairs of shoes sat neatly organized. Monika was surprised by how cold it was inside, finding the interior to be just as frigid but without the wind chill. She had just closed the door behind her when a voice spoke from further inside, bouncing off of the walls.
"Is that you, Monika? I t-thought I recognized your voice. Um, just a second and I will be right with you. If you needed a ride you could have called, I-I apologize if I came off as hostile with my text this morning, I simply- w-w-what happened?!" Yuri appeared from around the corner wrapping a black cardigan around her, her eyes as wide as saucer plates as she took in the sight of Monika carrying a muddied and unconscious Natsuki on her back. Monika gave her a weary smile to try and lighten the mood, but she found she could no longer support Natsuki's weight now that the relief of success had begun to settle in.
"Well, the good news is, it wasn't from a fight. Here, help me get her shoes please." Monika managed as Yuri rushed over to help Monika support Natsuki. With each girl wrapping an arm around her shoulders they managed to carry her into the foyer where they laid her on the tatami with her head propped up against a cushion. "I got a message from her after I finished my errands, all jumbled and hard to make out, but she mentioned being at the school so I decided to stop by and see if she was there. You know, to check on her. Found her sitting out back in the courtyard where that hill is, drinking a bottle of vodka and reading her manga. She blacked out and rolled down the hill before I could stop her."
"Why didn't you call me? I could have picked you up for goodness' sake!"
"My phone's dead, Yuri, and hers is locked."
Yuri gave a determined sigh and left for a moment to grab a rag, returning to wipe the mud and vomit off of Natsuki's face. As she dabbed the rag she placed a hand against Natsuki's forehead, shaking her own head as she did so and moving to check Natsuki's cheeks with a confused look and then began pressing the back of her hand against other areas like Natsuki's hair and neck. She turned to Monika with an alarmed look. "Her forehead is burning but the rest of her is ice cold… she's shivering."
"Well, it was starting to snow out there. Why, do you think she's sick or something?" Monika asked. Yuri shook her head and tossed the rag aside.
"Not necessarily, drinking alcohol is known to take a toll on the immune system within roughly two hours after ingesting it. That's when the body's pro-inflammatory cytokine levels begin to rise, which in turn promotes an inflammatory response, which in turn makes a hangover all the worse. An inflammatory response from your immune system can just as easily trigger a fever, but…" Yuri bit her lip nervously before glancing back up at Monika. "How long was she out there?" When Monika shook her head to indicate she didn't know, Yuri began to pat around Natsuki's jacket and pants and seemed to make up her mind on something.
She turned to Monika and firmly said, "Undress her. Hurry." Before standing and sprinting into a different room. Monika batted her eyes, caught off guard by the seemingly unorthodox question but she swallowed and began to unzip Natsuki's coat. Yuri was many things, from quiet and insightful to stern and sensitive, but malicious was not one of them and so she trusted her friend's guidance. By the time she returned, Monika had already removed Natsuki's coat and socks and was moving onto her flowery t-shirt when Yuri motioned for Monika to help her move Natsuki again. Together they carried her into Yuri's room, much to Monika's relief as it was much warmer than the rest of the house, where they laid her on the bed with Yuri instructing Monika to grab several blankets that had been piled on the divan while she finished removing Natsuki's outer clothes.
When Monika turned back she saw Yuri staring down at Natsuki who was only in her underwear, eyes unblinking at their friend. Monika had barely uttered the words, "Yuri, what are you-" when she too saw what had garnered Yuri's attention. Spots of purple, blue, and yellow littered Natsuki's torso, each in varying sizes and shades that ranged from her waist to her collarbone and all the way to her forearms. Monika counted three just on her clubmate's chest alone. Both girls were silent for a moment, the tension in the air becoming more and more palpable before finally Yuri addressed Monika with a question on her lips.
"You said she hadn't gotten into any fights." She whispered.
Monika nodded solemnly in response. "She didn't." A part of her considered that the bruises might have been from her tumble down the hill, but the varying severity and shapes told her that was unlikely. She knew damn well what those bruises had to be from, but the revelation went unspoken as they tried to break out of their trance-like state at seeing their friend so injured. Yuri was the first to move into action again, taking the blankets from Monika and quickly laying them over Natsuki until her bed was just a mound of covers with a shivering bundle of pink sticking out at the end.
"Well, is she going to be alright?" Monika asked worriedly. "She didn't seem that bad at the school, just… drunk."
"Hopefully." Yuri murmured, her eyes still on Natsuki. "When I think back to the text I received this morning up to now, I can't help but wonder how long she was out in the cold. Her clothes were still wet, likely from the rain that passed by over here before it turned into snow, but why on earth she didn't take shelter I can only guess at." Yuri sighed and began to walk to the divan where she slumped down with her head in her hands. "When you mentioned that she had been drinking I knew I had to do something – alcohol makes you feel warmer, but in actuality it lowers your core body temperature rather fiercely and greatly increases the risk of hypothermia. That's likely why she seemed fine when you found her, she couldn't even tell she was cold."
Monika's eyes widened at Yuri's explanation and she cast a glance back towards Natsuki. "Hypothermia? In this temperature?"
Yuri nodded. "Very much so. Hypothermia can occur even above freezing if one is already susceptible. If she was outside all day sitting in the cold, being as malnourished as she is… I can't imagine her immune system is the strongest.
"Can't we… I don't know, shouldn't we put her under the kotatsu or something?" Monika asked.
"No, absolutely not. Such direct heat might harm her skin, or worse, cause her heartbeat to irregulate to the point of going into cardiac arrest." Yuri said firmly. Monika winced and paced over towards the sliding door, her mind reeling as the events of the day unfolded on her lap. Monika's fears of Natsuki being neglected, possibly abused, had all but been confirmed given everything she had seen and heard. Monika had suspected all the time but had never made an effort to do something about it, why? She had knowledge about her friends that nobody else did, their fears and vulnerabilities, their breaking points, how they would take their own lives if- she suddenly shook her head. She couldn't afford to think about that now. The point was that she had known, or at least highly suspected, and could have used her foresight to help Natsuki. Instead she had never brought it up, never even suggested it to one of the others, because then she could have plausible deniability.
Yuri seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because she leaned back against the divan and looked up at the ceiling with her hair covering her eyes. "Why didn't she ask for help? Why didn't she call one of us or go to someone, instead of… sitting out in the cold and foolishly risking her health?"
"She thinks we hate her." Monika stated bluntly. She thought back to what Natsuki had told her about staying quiet and distant from the others out of fear of agitating them and getting kicked out of her last true home. Yuri said nothing for a moment, instead sighing aloud and covering her eyes with her hand.
"Well, she would be right to think so after I welcomed her back with less than open arms, wouldn't she?." Yuri recounted bitterly. "I don't… I don't hate her, Monika. I truly do not, I was just… so hurt by her betrayal, by her abandonment of us and the club during our most trying time. It felt like she had spat on every friendly and personal moment we had shared together. The fact that the first words out of her mouth were not an apology flew all over me, and to this day she still hasn't apologized for what she did." Her voice took on a shameful tone as she quietly continued. "As if I of all people can lay claim to anger over betrayal… God, I wonder how many bruises were on her body when I assaulted her with my pencil case?"
It was quiet for a few moments before Yuri mumbled something that sounded like, "didn't want to ever see those types of bruises again" and she stood from the divan before Monika could question her on it and the two locked eyes.
"Well, I am… glad to see she is safe." Yuri concluded shakily. "I suppose you'll be wanting to see Sayori? She's in my brother's old room and um, she's been very quiet. Knowing her condition I wanted to try and help by inviting her to sit in my room and watch a movie or to play one of my brother's old games, but she was, well, rather insistent on not interrupting me. I made us some curry which you're welcome to as well, there should be some left out in the kitchen if you're hungry, and um…" She trailed off into a grimace and pointed at Monika's shoulder. "You uh, you seem to have some… residue on your shoulder. I already plan on throwing Natsuki's clothes in the wash, so if you'd like I can get that for you. Do you have a spare top?"
Monika turned and spotted a stain on her shoulder where Natsuki had been laying her head and sighed, giving her friend a nod in affirmation before bringing up something that had been nagging her for the better part of the day. "Yeah, I got one in my bag so that would be great. Hey, uh… I'm sorry. I know you have your own life and I didn't mean to just, you know, dump Sayori on you. I should have just pushed my errands off to another time instead, and now I've gone and brought back someone else for you to watch over." She sighed and shook her head in embarrassment, realizing she had inadvertently been taking advantage of her friend's kindness. "Your parents aren't going to be mad, are they? Can't imagine anyone would be happy to come home from work and see three strangers, one who smells like mud and puke and is unconscious, loafing around in their house." But Yuri was quick to shake her head.
"My parents will… uh, they'll likely be out for the rest of the weekend. So it's actually, erm, opportune! Y-yes, it's opportune that this occurred now, I suppose. As for this morning, please, think nothing of it." She gave Monika a small smile and bowed her head before gathering Natsuki's clothes together and the two departed into the hallway. "I was hesitant at first because, well, this is just a difficult time of year for me. But, in truth, I believe company is a good thing for me… well, so long as the company is you all, that is." They shared a brief smile before Yuri cast a final look towards her bedroom door. "I'll keep an eye on her, I just wish we knew why…" She mumbled. Monika looked back towards the door and nodded in understanding before remembering what Sayori had brought up earlier that morning.
"Maybe we can ask her. In fact, I think since we're all here together, it might be a good idea for us all to open up to each other." Monika suggested. "We've all been keeping secrets for a while now, and I think after everything we've all been through, a bit of transparency between us might do some good." At Yuri's horrified expression she quickly added, "Nothing too personal, of course! I'm not asking you to tell them about your cutting, but I think that if everyone understood that we all have troubles and weaknesses, it might help us all understand better. Sayori's the one who came up with it, she wanted to do it during the next club session but I think since we're all here it might be convenient and with less of a chance of Ms. Kusumoto popping in." She looked back to Yuri who seemed to be weighing the pros and cons in her head, and Monika gave her shoulder a friendly pat. "Just think about it."
Yuri sighed and nodded, setting Natsuki's clothes down for a moment as she reached out for Monika's hand. "I'll… I'll consider it. Um, while you're here if you wouldn't mind allowing me to check your hand?" Monika obliged, and Yuri inspected the scar from various angles before giving a satisfied nod. "Good, I'm glad you haven't reopened it. You should be fine from here on out. And what of your neck, do you still scratch at it?" She asked. Monika was a little surprised by the question; she had almost forgotten about the harmful habit she had subconsciously picked up and pressed two fingers against her neck to check. There were scars still fresh enough to feel, but none from the past day or two which was a good sign. Perhaps with the night terrors that had been frequenting her she hadn't been digging at her neck as actively, or perhaps her arms were two busy being wrapped around Sayori the night prior.
"It's still a problem. I haven't done it the past few nights though, which is a plus." Monika admitted. She didn't bother bringing up the sleeping problems she had been having, since as far as she knew there wasn't any real medicinal cure for her terrors. Yuri gave her a smile and Monika nodded her head towards the hall leading to the room she had used the last time she had stayed at Yuri's. "I'm going to go swap my shirt out and then check in on Sayori, but… thank you, Yuri. Really, you're a wonderful friend and I hope you know how lucky each of us are to have you as a part of our lives."
Yuri didn't say anything, but she kept the ghost of a smile on her face. "Thank you, Monika. I hope you know I feel the same about all of you. Even… even Natsuki. I figure that, it must be harder to be her than to be around her." With that Monika departed to the bathroom to change into the blue sweater from her backpack before relinquishing her top to Yuri. Afterwards she stood in front of the sliding door that barred her from Sayori, worry flowing through her insides like a virus. She would need to apologize for dumping her off on Yuri like some kind needy child, as well as explain the fifty-thousand yen that she was to give to her which would likely result in her admitting she had breakfast with her father. No matter how she looked at it she couldn't help but feel like the bad guy. If she admitted to doing so it would seem like she had gone behind Sayori's back to speak to her parents, but if she didn't then she would definitely be going behind her girlfriend's back. She thought back to that morning and how she and Sayori had promised not to keep secrets from each other, and the memory seemed to harden her resolve. She had promised to not keep secrets, and she wasn't going back on that just because of an awkward encounter. Not now, not ever. With a deep breath, she slid the door open.
The room was dark but considerably warmer than the corridor, with the only light being the warm glow of a space heater parked a few feet from the futon that held a bundle of blankets. Monika thought that Sayori might be asleep, and so she quietly stepped over to sit beside her girlfriend when she heard a quiet sniffle, and noticed that the covers themselves seemed to be shaking. That was when she heard a voice quietly echo throughout the room.
"Fuck you! Fuck your perfect teeth! Fuck your perfect boobs! Fuck your perfect grades!"
"Should we do something? She's not even holding back, Christ. I thought they were like, friends or something?"
"That whole club is fucked in the head, you know how it is."
Monika jolted as she heard the familiar sound of Natsuki's screams emanate from the blankets. The blankets shook harder, and Monika could only stand and watch as the video of Natsuki's vicious assault on her continued to play aloud throughout the room. Her stomach sank like a pit as she realized what was happening, but she couldn't move. She couldn't speak, her tongue feeling like a lead weight in her mouth.
"Come on! I deserve it, don't I? Is it pity? Cause I don't need your pity anymore!"
The heart-wrenching scream that followed made her shiver. Her scream. It was too much, not just for her, but for Sayori too if the sound of her ragged breaths were anything to go by. Monika lowered her bag to the floor and knelt beside the futon before opening her mouth and breathing a single word:
"Sayori."
Sayori started, clearly spooked by the sudden voice of her girlfriend behind. She quickly paused the video and sat up, wiping the tears with her sleeve as she peered up at Monika with the corner of her mouth just barely upturned. She was trying to smile.
"H-hey, dummy. I missed you…" Sayori managed with a weak chuckle. "Did uh, did you get your name changed?"
Monika glanced down and shook her head. "Nope, still just Monika- oof!" She nearly toppled over as Sayori flew up and wrapped her arms around her forcefully, squeezing her tight as tears dripped down onto Monika's sweater. All Monika could do was balance herself and return Sayori's embrace, leaning into the warmth of her girlfriend's body.
"Hey, easy love. You're going to strain your leg." Monika soothed, rubbing a hand through the back of Sayori's hair as Sayori squeezed her harder and buried herself into Monika's shoulder, but her words didn't seem to make it through.
"I hate her…" Sayori sobbed. "I hate her! You tried- you went to help her and she hurt you! I'm sorry… I'm s-so sorry Moni, I'm sorry… how… how can you forgive her? She hurt you. She hurt you." Sayori continued repeating the words over and over while Monika tried to calm her to no avail. It hurt her heart to see Sayori in such an upset state, but a part of her felt undeserving of her care. For someone to be so upset by something that had happened to Monika, and not themselves, just seemed bizarre and foreign to her.
"It's okay. I'm okay, Say." She rocked with Sayori in her arms for a moment, listening to the sound of Sayori's muffled sobs and gasps. "It's in the past. It wasn't entirely her fault, and I think the emotional pain she did on herself that day far outweighed the physical damage she inflicted on me. It's alright- hey, look at me. I'm okay, I'm still here." After a few moments Sayori's cries quieted, and Monika ceased her rocking to slowly push them into the futon and wrapped the blanket around them both. She took Sayori's phone and went to close the page containing the video, and saw that someone had uploaded it online and sent it to her from an unknown number. Apparently getting her ass beat had managed a whopping sixty-five views in a week. Impressive.
Probably Kanako. Bitch, Monika thought as she gently placed the phone to the side. When she turned back Sayori was staring into her eyes, tears still welled up in the corners and a quiver on her lips as Monika pulled her in. Now wasn't probably the best time to tell her about Natsuki being two rooms over, or the encounter with her father and the money, all of that could wait for after she had relaxed and calmed down. She didn't want to add any additional stress on an already rough day, even though she knew she'd have to tell her before the day was done, and she would. Just not right now. All that mattered was making sure she was okay.
Sayori's breath was still a little ragged, but her tears seemed to slow down considerably. Monika took the chance to make her apology. "I'm sorry for leaving you. I knew you were having a bad day, and I still went off and left you, and I'm so so sorry. I didn't even ask if you wanted to go with Yuri, I just didn't want you outside in the cold. You're more important than any errand-" But Sayori shook her head.
"No no, y-you're okay. I was a little hurt but I knew you had stuff to do and it was for the best" She said. "I missed you, b-but you're here now. Just p-please, promise me something?" She asked, and Monika nodded for her to continue. "Don't make me your entire world. It's nice to be cared for b-but I don't want you to spend all your time worrying about me, or putting things off, just for me." She breathed deeply and Monika frowned. She could understand where Sayori was coming from in a way and likely stemmed from her guilt of taking other's time, but at the same time Sayori was arguably the most important person in her life. She wanted to treat and think of her as such.
"Also, don't… don't leave, okay? Just let me hold you for a little while, please." Sayori quietly begged, and this time Monika smiled, rubbing Sayori's back with her thumb and receiving a rub on her own back in response. She leaned forward and kissed Sayori's forehead, burying herself into the crook of her girlfriend's neck as the subtle smell of cinnamon and vanilla engulfed her and made her feel content and sleepy.
"I'm not going anywhere." She quietly promised, feeling her eyelids droop. She could wait to tell Sayori about her father, and Natsuki, and her cookie. Her girlfriend needing her was far more important than anything else at the moment, and if Yuri was keeping a watchful eye over Natsuki, then there was nothing else for her to be concerned about. Nothing except holding Sayori, and making sure she knew that she would always be there for her from now on. They would eventually get up from their futon and have a talk with each other, and then a talk with the others, but Monika couldn't bring herself to care about that.
She was cuddling with Sayori, and they were both warm, safe, and together. That was all that mattered.
Three weeks already? I'm glad I added another week to my schedule, because this chapter went through a couple of rewrites that probably would have killed me otherwise. In the theme of adding more work to my schedule however, the awesome Minzzway has started a Sayonika fanzine of their own that I'm also technically a moderator of. If you're reading this story than I'd hazard a guess you somewhat like Sayonika content, so if you'd like to apply then application submissions will begin on the 14th of this month for both writing and digital art, you can find the page on Minzzway on twitter!
I am happy to announce that this won't have an adverse affect on my schedule however, and that the three-week schedule should be consistent from here to the end of the story. Thanks for reading, let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, and I'll see you all in three weeks. :)