For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

18. Confessions

Chapter 18: Confessions

A chapter where four come together to put secrets to rest.

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Monika's eyes opened to the darkened room around her, and after remembering where she was she slowly shut them, wishing to recapture the dream she had been having. It had been so peaceful and warm, and for those few confusing seconds between dreaming and the reality of the waking world she had actually thought it to be real. Like most good dreams though, it was quickly fading away like sand between the gaps in her fingers, with only a few sprinkles left in her palm. She sighed aloud as she silently prayed to whatever God existed that it wasn't time for her to actually get up yet; she just wanted to remain wrapped in her blankets and listen to the soothing sound of a space heater radiating until she drifted off back into slumber for an hour, two if she was lucky. She sat up and leaned over to where her alarm clock sat on the floor, charging in it's usual spot as she clicked the power button to pull up the clock.

7:08. Two minutes until her alarm would go off. She groaned and rolled over in her bed, trying to be grateful for the few scarce minutes that she was allowed. Maybe if she allowed her brain to slow down and relax just a bit, she'd be able to slip back into sleep for another minute and a half. Maybe if she just shut down and didn't think about having to get up, or what her day was going to be like, or what her dream had been about, then she might be able to get that little bit of energy that would make the difference in her day. Maybe-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE- smack!

Or maybe not.

Monika mumbled out a curse as she fought the temptation to lay back down and close her eyes, and instead pulled herself out of bed and slowly began turning on her lights before sliding into her slippers. As she wrapped her arms around herself to stay warm she glanced back at her bed, almost as if she expected someone else to be in it, but she quickly shook her head and continued to her shower, shivering all the while. Why would there be anyone else in her bed? She hadn't brought anyone back with her the night before, and she certainly didn't have any guests over, so what was it? She shook her head and continued on towards the shower, hoping that a warm wash would make up for the lack of central heating in her apartment.

After having a brisk but admittedly refreshing shower, Monika changed into her uniform consisting of a blue polo and dark slacks and looked in the mirror at the disheveled and tired twenty-eight year old staring back at her. Her hair, once long and beautifully kept in a tail, was now cut just below the shoulders and tended to stick out in places no matter how she brushed it. She tried to smile at the girl in the mirror, smiling was supposed to send dopamine to your brain or something whenever you smiled apparently, but after she tried turning the corners of her mouth upward, she quickly frowned again.

When did the cracks appear, I wonder aloud?

When did the grime stain my shower and sink,

And the spots of mold that dot the tiled floor?

Where had those words come from? They felt familiar but unfamiliar, like something long forgotten. She straightened up and tried smiling again, but to no avail. "You're not fooling anyone, bitchy idiot." Monika muttered, and for a second she went to put some of her makeup on but her hand stopped short. What was the point in trying to look pretty for something she dreaded? She instead sprayed a single squirt of perfume on and began to shut off all the lights and electronics within the tiny apartment, including the heater. She would hate it when she came home that evening, but it sure beat having to work overtime just to pay her rent. Slipping her coat on and grabbing her wallet and nametag, Monika stepped out into the freezing morning air and twisted her key in the lock behind her before setting off for work.

The morning commute wasn't too bad that morning, though it was somewhat crowded. Monika found it to be quite peaceful compared to the afternoon trip. Bored, she decided to scroll through her contacts only to find it borderline empty. What else had she expected? When she heard the familiar announcement for her destination above her, she disembarked at her usual station just as the sun began to rise into the wintry sky, but a sudden realization made her stop and pat the pockets of her coat. Empty.

Shit, gonna need something to make it through the day. She briefly recalled there being a gas station down the street from her work, and if she was quick she might have just enough time to swing by. Every step she took, she passed by someone – someone who she would never see again most likely. It was funny how quickly people popped in and out of life, some were like dragonflies that floated by her curiously before zooming away, and others were more like nasty hornets that seemed to enjoy bothering and harming before making their escape. She wondered which she was? She scoffed as she stepped inside the gas station, positive that to some she was the dragonfly, and to others she was the hornet.

She gave a brief nod to the cashier and made her way over to the coffee machine and poured her a nice strong cup, letting herself briefly get lost in the swirl of dark earthy liquid in her cup. A part of her wanted to add a bit of sugar, but she had been drinking her coffee straight for so long now that she couldn't be bothered. Instead she brought it up to the counter and peered behind the register at the various scratch-cards, knick-knacks, and cigarette cartons.

"Just this and a pack of Seven Stars, please." Monika said. The cashier nodded, and within minutes Monika found herself clocking into work with hardly a minute to spare, and her wallet seven-hundred yen lighter. She nodded to one of her few coworkers before depositing her coat in the backroom and looking at the list of scheduled repairs for the day. Someone had a laptop that kept booting up with a diagnostic message, and another customer had called stating their desktop only turned on sometimes rather than all the time. It was a normal day for Monika, standing at the counter and doing either absolutely nothing or receiving calls from people and politely but firmly informing them that putting a device into sleep mode was, in fact, not the same as turning it off. Time either stood still or zipped right by, and there was never an in between. It was halfway into her shift when her other coworker finally spoke to her.

"So, since Mr. Fukunaga isn't here today, we could probably go home early. Actually, we should go drinking together, me and you. That's what coworkers do, right?"

"I'm good, Takeshi." Monika muttered. She already had to deal with her coworker for eight hours a day, asking for two more mixed with alcohol wasn't really something she was interested in. Going to the bar led to getting wasted and picking up someone who thought her boobs were nice and said they liked her smile only to never see them after the next morning. Or maybe she liked it that way? She couldn't tell anymore, but the prospect of going home and not having to deal with someone was reassuring, familiar. She didn't feel like risking it.

"Ah come on, Mr. Fukunaga is such a lightweight. You know, I know this great place downtown where…" Monika had stopped listening by this point, a flash of auburn had passed by the windows and she watched as a woman stepped inside looking apprehensive. Her hair flowed down well past her shoulders and reminded Monika of when she was younger, with messy bangs and a pair of reading glasses to compliment her features. She had a slight bulge to her stomach that suggested she was early in pregnancy and a striped pink sweater littered with pastel blue hearts, and when she stepped up to the counter she gave a little wave of introduction to Monika while Takeshi continued to talk.

"Um, hello." The woman greeted. "I know you guys mostly do like, computers and stuff, but is there any chance you fix phones too?" She pulled a smartphone out of her purse and gave it a little wave. "It won't turn on but I've made sure it's charged, I haven't dropped it or anything!" She gave a nervous smile before shrinking on her shoulders and admitting, "Okay, I may have dropped it a little. B-but nothing super hard!" Monika blinked at the woman and nodded, motioning for her to set it on the counter.

"We don't usually, but I used to work for a phone repair place so I can take a look if you'd like, Miss?" The woman smiled in relief and relinquished the phone to Monika who gave it a once-over. The only thing she saw was a large amount of dust residing in the charging port and she reached underneath the counter to get one of the cans of electronic cleaner they saved for desktops. "Yeah, looks like your port hasn't been cleaned in a while. Your charger probably hasn't been able to get any juice into the actual phone. What was your name, Miss?"

"Oh, Moriyama! Moriyama, Sayori."

Monika nearly dropped the can of spray from her hand. Sayori. It didn't take but a second for memories to come back like a torrenting river, freezing her solid and threatening to knock her off balance at the same time. The bridge, the literature club, the game. Memories she hadn't thought about in nearly a decade suddenly found themselves at the front of Monika's mind and she simply didn't know how to respond. After a moment she raised herself from behind the glass and stared into the cobalt eyes that she had always missed, but had never forgotten. "Say… Sayori?" She asked. Sayori seemed put off by her reaction until her eyes finally glanced towards Monika's nametag and suddenly her face lit up in recognition and Monika felt a smile tug at her lips for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Oh my GOSH! Monika?! Holy cow, I didn't even recognize you, wow! You look so different." Sayori squealed, and it was like being taken back to her high school years all over again. There were so many good feelings and memories attached to Sayori, from dancing at the mall to silly conversations on the walk home from school. To Monika, she looked beautiful. Time had done no damage to her old friend, with luscious hair and near flawless skin, it was amazing to think this was the same clumsy girl she had dated from way back then. The only thing that was different was her eyes, what were once so wide and full of life now looked heavy and burdened. There was also something else in them, something that Monika thought almost looked like satisfaction. "I feel bad for forgetting, but it's just, you know… with everything that happened-"

"It's in the past." Monika said quickly. She was content remembering the good part of their lives, and going no further. Instead she peered over the counter at Sayori's swollen belly and smiled up at her old friend with a knowing grin. "You've been busier than me though, starting a family from the looks of it. How far along are you?" She thought that changing the subject would make the conversation easier, but it was nearly impossible to look at Sayori without recalling memories that were slowly cropping up like weeds. Memories she had tried to forget.

Sayori looked down at herself and smiled back at Monika. "Oh, I think I'm on like, my second trimester? I'm fourteen weeks, I know that much!" She said proudly, and Monika beamed. "I was already doing stay-at-home stuff anyway and all this has done is give me more of an excuse! We're thinking of naming them Natsuki if it's a girl – you remember the one from the club? If it's a boy we're probably going to name it after him, I think he'd like that. Seeing you here though, I'll admit I didn't really see you doing this line of work at all. Is it just you working, or do you have someone…" Her voice trailed off but Monika could take a hint at what she was getting at. She should've known this type of question was bound to come up.

"Well, I wasn't really able to do university since after me and you… split, I kinda lost a lot of motivation." Monika admitted. Split was such a nice word, so much nicer compared to reality. "I guess you could say I took some time to work on myself after that, and uh… never really stopped" Liar, Monika silently chastised herself, you dug yourself into a pit and still haven't put the shovel down. It's why your bed is cold and your contact list is empty, don't lie to her. "And it's not really a dream job, but I was already good at computers so, you know, pays the bills." She forced a smile that she didn't feel at all and suddenly felt like moving this conversation along, so she took the compressed air and began gently cleaning the inside of the phone's charging port.

Sayori must've noticed some kind of change in Monika's voice or demeanor because she furrowed her brow and crossed her arms over the counter and bored her eyes into Monika. She had always been too good at that. "Hey, look… I know we didn't leave each other on the greatest terms. I was… well, I was figuring myself out at the time and I didn't… I didn't know what I wanted." Monika wasn't listening, or at least she was pretending not to, spraying air into a small singular spot took an awful lot of concentration after all. "And… I know I said things that probably hurt your feelings. I was really… I was just, so emotional over having my best friend back and one thing led to another…"

Monika smiled as she strolled up to her apartment, excitement flowing through her. Her favorite holiday was just around the corner, and all the overtime she had put in was finally going to pay off when she took them both to the hot springs in Hyogo. Her hand shook as she shoved the key into the lock and finally pushed it open.

"I didn't even know you liked- oh, hey. You uh, you must be Monika."

Monika stared at the person sitting beside Sayori on her couch. He was too familiar, just looking at him made her skin crawl. She felt the air leave her lungs as she said, "Uh, yeah. I am. Who are you?" She knew who it was. "Say, who is this?

"Moni, hey… I didn't think you'd be back so soon, I kinda wanted to prepare for this more. Um, why don't we have a talk? Alone."

Monika slammed the can of air onto the glass counter so hard she thought it might break, but she was careful enough to set the phone down gently. Sayori and her co-worker jumped, but she didn't care.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. I'm on a break now, Takeshi here will be more than happy to take care of your issue."

"Monika, please! It was a decade ago, we all make mistakes-"

"What? Dude, I don't know anything about phones, I only do-"

But Monika ignored them both, plowing through the backroom and throwing her jacket on and storming out the back door with her hands stuffed into her pockets as she fished out her lighter and the pack of Seven Stars she had bought, ripping it open. She kicked the door shut and stuffed a cigarette between her lips, cursing under her breath as shaky hands tried and failed to light it. This was too much on her head. She knew she was being ridiculous; she hadn't thought about Sayori in years and had long since gotten over what had happened and moved on, hadn't she? But seeing her again felt more akin to a new wound entirely as opposed to an old one being reopened, and it just made her head hurt. The cigarette finally caught, and she took a long inhale before breathing out. Deep breaths and distractions, that was how she had dealt with it originally. If she focused on the cold and the nicotine, she'd be fine.

The sound of footsteps coming around the corner didn't surprise her, but it did catch her attention. She ignored them and focused on the cement below her feet or the brick against her back. The thundering in her head, the itch on her neck, whatever kept her attention. The huffing followed by the silence, and that familiar feeling of a stare burning through her. Even after all this time she could still recognize when Sayori's gaze cut through her like a knife.

"That was really childish, Monika."

"Sayori, no offense, but I really don't care."

"You haven't cared about anything but yourself in years." Sayori scoffed, and Monika glanced up to see her leaning against the corner with her shoulder and her arms crossed. "Looking at you now, you don't even care about that, do you?" Was this really the girl she had fallen for all that time ago? Was she even the same girl that had fallen for her?

"I… I don't." Monika admitted, taking another drag. "I stopped caring after I put so much care into… into you, and everyone else from back then and now you're…" She waved a hand to signify Sayori in her entirety. "That was my job, I think. I was supposed to take care of you, and set you along the path to a happier future, and now I'm just… what's left. I was supposed to get a happy ending too, but it doesn't matter what sick game I play, I don't get one. I'm always just left behind and forgotten." She spat the last part out with all the bitterness and resentment that she had built up over the past ten years, and turned to look up at Sayori with tears in her eyes. Sayori only stared back at her.

When Sayori said nothing Monika just shut her eyes and shook her head. Her headache was becoming unbearable, and the itching at her neck was growing in discomfort by the second. "You don't get it. You could never understand what I have been through to ensure… to ensure that you had a future worth living. Maybe it was selfish to think I was going to be a part of that future but, fuck Sayori. You have no idea how bad that messed me up, I-"

"And pushing me to the point of suicide wasn't messed up?"

Monika froze, her breath catching in her throat as she slowly turned to look back at Sayori. Sayori was still staring at her with resentment and determination the likes of which she had never seen in those eyes. "W-what did you say?" It wasn't just resentment in her eyes, it was the weight of knowing too much at too young an age. It was the same weight Monika saw in her own eyes whenever she looked in the mirror. The weight of knowing what nobody would ever understand. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Yeah, I know." Sayori said coldly. "I found the files, funnily enough. Didn't you wonder why I just left you, out of the blue? Why I jumped at the chance to be with my best friend? It never crossed your mind that our little friend group fell apart for a reason? I saw everything in the files, in the data cache and the dialogue logs. My God, the things you did…" Her voice had turned to one of disgust. Disappointment. It shattered Monika's already crumbling heart and she let out a choked sob, shoving a palm against her eye. Sayori pressed on. "I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it myself. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing my body hanging from the rope, or Natsuki's neck snapping like a slap bracelet. Jesus, I think I still see that crazed look on Yuri's face in my nightmares, you know… do you?"

Monika clenched her teeth, unable to speak. As if she could ever truly forget the horrors of the game. Sure, she'd sit and go months without it popping into her head, but those images would make appearances in her dreams, in the back of her mind when she stayed inside and alone for too long. Sayori knelt down, a surprising feat given the swell of her belly, and looked at Monika with a smile that held no warmth. Only satisfaction.

"I was so alone…" Monika hissed through the tears before glaring up at Sayori from behind her hand. "You don't… you have no idea what I went through. I was a spectator in my own life, don't you get it?! I was real, god dammit! I was real… I just…" It was too much for her, she couldn't even bring herself to be angry after all these years. She was still alone, still isolated, still powerless to the whims of the world around her. "I just wanted… someone. To be loved, is that… is that so wrong?"

"You killed me." Sayori said through gritted teeth. "You're darn right it's wrong, and you're going to live with what you did, Monika. Seeing the rest of us move on with our lives, fall in love, live, all while you wilt away, it's almost poetic." She scoffed and stood back up, stretching her back with a groan as she turned her back on Monika with one last look. "The secrets you tried to keep, they ate you bit by bit, and this is the shell that was left behind. That… I think that's the last thing I need to finally leave all of that behind me, you know. Congratulations, Monika. You did your job of giving me a happy ending." She sighed and continued walking away from the alley behind the repair shop, and Monika felt a final surge of resistance as she reached up towards the fading figure of her friend, her victim, and her tormentor.

"B-but I… I love…" She mumbled, but Sayori just sighed impatiently.

"Don't you get it? It was never about you, okay? This was our future, our happy ending, our second chance. You were just paying back what you owed." Monika watched through tear-filled eyes as Sayori walked away from her for the second and final time. "You need to get a grip and maybe one day, you'll wake up, Monika." The sound of footsteps turning the corner was the finishing blow as Monika's vision began to go dark, and she heard the emotionless voice of Sayori echo in her head as she passed out against the pavement.

You need to get a grip and maybe one day, you'll wake up, Monika. She was gone, gone and never coming back.

You need to wake up, Monika.

—-

"Monika, wake up!"

Monika jolted awake as if she had been pulled out of water, clawing and scratching at the surface around her as she gasped for air. She looked around in a panic until she felt something grab her hands, and she looked to see Sayori, now back to how she looked in high school, restricting her flailing. The red glint of light from the space heater lit up Sayori's features just enough that Monika could see the concern, and she felt her muscles slowly relax. It had been so cold and lonely, and for those few confusing seconds between dreaming and the reality of the waking world she had actually thought it all to be real. The cold apartment, the empty contact list, Sayori's malicious omniscience, they were figments of a dream already beginning to blur and cloud in her mind.

Monika felt Sayori's thumb rubbing against the top of her hand and when her own breathing wouldn't calm down, the warmth of Sayori's arms and body encompassing her forced her to try and regulate her airflow.

"Shhh, you're going to hyperventilate." Sayori warned, the warmth in her voice more effective than any dingy space heater. "Hey. Hey, it's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, just relax and breathe, okay? Here, listen to me do it. In." She felt Sayori's chest expand with air against her, and she tried to follow suit. "Out." They both let out a breath, repeating the process again before finally Monika felt stabilized enough to act. She gently pushed Sayori away and took another deep breath, looking around the room as her eyes adjusted to the low amount of light. She was in Yuri's guest room. She had cuddled up to Sayori after returning from trying to get her name changed, and had fallen asleep only to awake in a nightmare. Sayori was still looking at her and she quickly wiped the forming tears in her eyes and tried to put on a smile; she didn't want to add to Sayori's already bad day.

"Ahah, sorry, I uh… nightmare." Monika explained. She imagined taking a foot and stomping the bad dreams away, into a closet or a box somewhere where she wouldn't have to think about them. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry, I don't think I've been getting enough sleep. I can uh, I can go and let you relax- Sayori, I'm okay. It was just a nightmare, promise." She tried to keep her smile up but it was getting hard, and the way Sayori was looking into her with those big blue eyes didn't help at all. God, she was glad they held warmth in them again.

Sayori took hold of her hand again and gave Monika a look that oozed concern and seriousness before quietly saying, "Please don't lie to me. I'd much rather you talk about it, if you're feeling up to it." When Monika didn't immediately answer she added, "You were whimpering in your sleep, begging for me not to leave, and I kept telling you I was right here but you wouldn't wake up. You can't expect me not to be worried after hearing that, Moni. Please?" But Monika shook her head again, biting her lip and clenching her eyes shut to stop the tears. If she didn't think then she'd be fine, she just needed something to focus on. Like how cold it felt, or how great it felt every time Sayori's skin brushed against hers. This was what she did, this was how she survived, she kicked her problems into a corner where they belonged because the dream Sayori was right, this was their second chance, not hers. She didn't deserve that level of selfishness.

"Monika, you don't have to keep running away." Sayori's voice suddenly was but a whisper, and Monika felt her pull her into another gentle hug, one loose enough that she could break free again if she needed space. "It's not fair to ask you to always be the strong one. I know I'm not very tough and crumble easily, but I'll still make darn sure nothing hurts you. I'll keep you safe like you've kept me safe all this time." Her voice was gentle, reassuring, but most of all it was genuine, and that was what finally got Monika to break.

It started as a low whine, slowly tumbling into quiet sobs as she held Sayori tight and buried her face into her girlfriend's shirt. She tried to explain the things she had seen, about how real it had been for her and why exactly it affected her so strongly, but all that came out was sputtered fragments of an explanation as she held onto Sayori, terrified that loosening her grip for a second would cost her her best friend. It was true, she did try to keep her feelings bottled up to try and be the reliable leader she had always wanted to be for the others, and now it was costing her. Sayori made soothing noises while Monika cried, running her hand through the long and beautiful mess that was Monika's hair, and rocked gently as she held her. For a few minutes all was calm and quiet as they continued rocking until finally Monika was able to pull herself off of Sayori's chest and look up at her. She stared right back, a gentle smile lighting up on her face as she met Monika's gaze.

"Feeling better?" Sayori ventured. Monika wasn't entirely sure if 'better' was the right word, but she had gotten the waterworks out and that was a start. When she didn't answer, Sayori continued. "Told you I'd still be here. Do you want to try telling me again what happened? I wasn't able to make it out since you were crying, I'm sorry." Monika shook her head to wave off her apology, but quickly followed it with a nod so Sayori knew she was willing to talk. She wasn't used to opening up like this, but if they were going to all be a bit more honest she figured she would have to learn. Slowly but surely she recounted what she remembered about the dream, from waking up alone ten years in the future to being alone and miserable, to relying on nicotine (something she personally felt was inspired by her encounter with Natsuki), all the way to seeing a pregnant Sayori walk into the store.

She hesitated when she reached the part about the fake memories of Sayori abandoning her for her old friend. There was clearly some kind of inadequacy within Monika when it came to her feelings towards Sayori, but she just wasn't sure how to go about describing it. Would it be too possessive to feel this way when they had been only dating a week? Was she allowed to feel this way? Finally she mustered the courage and explained how seeing her girlfriend years later after being practically swept off of her feet by the nameless, faceless old friend, had deeply affected her and she had been forced to run outside when Sayori suddenly interrupted her explanation.

"Is that something you actually worry about?" She asked, and Monika just gave a feeble shrug. "Moni, I could never just ditch you like that, I couldn't ditch anyone like that. You mean way more to me than someone who I haven't seen in literal years, who I can only kinda remember. I mean- for goodness' sake Monika, you jumped off of a freaking bridge to save me." Monika felt Sayori give her a squeeze around the middle and she sighed.

"I don't… I don't think you would, honestly. I can't actually imagine you cheating or just leaving, that's just not who you are, but it still crops up in my head sometimes, like an intrusive thought. I think it's more of an issue on my part." Monika admitted, feeling lousy. "I don't feel like I deserve… um, being treated right. I feel like because of things I've done and said, I don't deserve your warmth, your loyalty, your care." Her face fell as she reflected on every aspect of her life, particularly the parts she lamented over day after day, and night after night. "You- the dream you, I mean, told me a bunch of things… about everything wrong I had done to people, including you." Especially you. "She was r-right, Say, I've been awful to people and I keep trying to make up for it and I don't- I don't think it'll ever be enough!" She choked out.

"Does this involve what you told me about hurting someone really close to you when we cuddled on the cot in the shelter?" Sayori asked, and Monika nodded while trying to wipe her eyes. Monika suddenly felt the rush to apologize for everything she had ever done, just in case her dream came true and she never got the chance to again.

"I-I'm sorry for calling you shallow. And for calling you a genki-girl, and running away from you, and making you cry, and just being an absolute asshole to you when you didn't deserve it."

"Wait, when did you call me shallow?"

"Halloween…"

"Oh, you knucklehead, I had completely forgotten about that! I forgive you for all of it, especially since I can put two-and-two together now and realize you were just jealous at a guy giving me his number." She gave Monika a forgiving kiss on the cheek, but frowned when it didn't have any effect and Monika could only cry harder as her brain whirled with her wrongdoings. Just as she was beginning to hiccup and let out a stuttering gasp, Sayori pulled her into another hug with her head buried in the crook of Monika's neck and pointed out her location to her girlfriend. "Hey, look at me. See how my head fits perfectly in your shoulder here?" Monika sniffled, but managed a nod. "Now look at this." The warmth of Sayori's fingers pressed against her own and Monika instinctually intertwined them, looking up as Sayori's other hand cupped her cheek.

They stared into each other for a moment, blue into green, before Sayori gently leaned in and pressed her lips to Monika's. Even in her frantic state of mind, something so pure and welcoming was hard to ignore. Their lips parted for only a brief moment, a moment that felt far too long to Monika, enough for Sayori to speak.

"You can't sit here and tell me you don't deserve to be loved when your hand wraps around mine instinctually." She breathed. "When my head fits like a puzzle piece into that little spot between your shoulder and head whenever I hug you, or how my lips and yours lock onto each other like magnets, like that's what they were meant for." Monika's heart was thumping up a storm, though several tears still lined her cheeks and she brought a sleeve up to wipe them. Did she really deserve to be cared for? Had she done enough to warrant that much? Sayori didn't give her time to overthink it, sticking her hands up the back of Monika's sweater and gently caressing her back and shoulder blades. Monika shivered at the touch; it was just so pleasant and caring with every caressing and glide, even though all Sayori was doing was rubbing her back.

"But… but I thought I was getting better." Monika muttered weakly. Her voice sounded hoarse, whether because of the crying or the satisfaction of her girlfriend's touch, she didn't know. "I was doing so well."

"You have to give yourself time to heal, Moni. Isn't that what you told me?" Sayori prodded, leaning forward to kiss Monika again between sentences. "You've been so busy trying to help all of us and everyone else that you forgot to take care of yourself." Another kiss. And then another.

"Hello Ms. Pot, I'm Kettle." Monika said with a small smile, and Sayori suddenly snorted through their kiss. Monika laughed too, a slow chuckle evolving into full-on giggling as they laughed and held each other. Oh, how she adored the way Sayori snuggled into her amidst their laughter, the way she pecked her face and cheeks with kisses to soothe her broken spirit. She wanted to stay right here forever, just the two of them watching each other and making silly jokes and falling asleep against the other. Their lips hadn't let up despite their laughter, their pecks slowly making way to longer and more passionate smooches that made Monika's cheeks flush. Judging from the heat she felt radiating off of Sayori, she wasn't the only one. Feeling Sayori's body against hers made her shiver from all the affection her girlfriend was giving her; she really had been affectionately starved for too long, hadn't she? A heavy breath escaped her lips as Sayori's kisses started to trail from her cheek to her neck, one by one.

"Ya doma, tadaima!" A sudden voice gently called out from the halls, and both girls seemed to panic as they scrambled off of eachother with flushed guilty expressions. Sayori winced and reached towards her leg and Monika flashed her an apologetic look as they both went silent. They heard the sound of rustling outside in the hall, followed by a door sliding open and shut, and then all was quiet. Monika sighed and scratched the back of her neck once the house went quiet, glancing over at Sayori who didn't seem able to meet her eyes. Had someone turned the space-heater up, or had it always been this hot in the guest room?

"Um, I should go and check if that's Yuri's parents." Monika hurriedly announced, despite remembering Yuri informing her that she was the only one who greeted her house in two languages. Glancing around the room, she noticed it was just as dark as when she had first entered. "Don't want them to be surprised by all the strange kids in their house after all. How uh, how long was I-"

Still unable to face Monika. Sayori's voice was muffled from her head in her arms, but said, "It's um, around six. Nighttime." Was the light of the heater reflecting off of her still, or were her ears and forehead just that red? Monika smiled weakly, gave her girlfriend a parting kiss on the head, and stretched off the futon and slinked towards the sliding door. The chilling air that greeted her from the hallway made her wince and almost immediately wish she had stayed cuddled up with Sayori to keep her warm, but it also reminded her of something. She turned around and peeked her head through the sliding door's gap.

"Psst! Hey, goober! There's a big cookie in my backpack tucked in the front pouch I bought you." She whispered. Although the cookie reminded her of the conversation she no doubt would have to have, the look of utter joy Sayori gave her after she was done whispering was enough to make Monika fall for her all over again, and she quickly shut the sliding door to help keep the warm air where it belonged. Just as she closed one door however, another one slid open behind her, and with it came hushed but aggravated tones. A now (thankfully) clothed Natsuki turned as she stepped out and glared into Yuri's room, a bundle of fresh clothes tucked under her arm.

"I said I'm fine! It's bad enough you took my clothes off, I don't need you staring at me while I bathe myself you- you… augh, why is it so damn cold?!" She closed the door and prepared to storm off, only to turn and see Monika. She clearly hadn't expected to see her club president there as well, as she quickly froze and gave Monika a bewildered look. For a moment the two of them just stood there staring at each other. Did Natsuki know Monika had carried her there? Did she remember their conversations behind the school? If so, she didn't give it away with her steely expression. Seeming to grow bored of the awkward silence, Natsuki asked, "What are you looking so flustered for?"

Monika hadn't realized her face was still flushed, or that her hair was still down and a mess from sleeping, and she quickly realized she didn't have a good excuse for it. Her quick wit and acuity allowed her for a split-second response.

"Well uh, what are you looking so flustered for?" She countered, feeling foolish. Fortunately this seemed to actually do the trick as Natsuki's cheeks tinged pink as she ducked her head and scowled, stumbling past Monika towards the bathroom without meeting her friend's eyes. Monika stared after her for a moment before shrugging and turning towards Yuri's room where she called out in greeting and was bid to enter by a familiar quiet voice. Yuri sat beneath the kotatsu, a bottle of water and bottle of pills sat neatly atop the surface as she gave Monika a friendly, albeit tired, smile. She motioned for Monika to remain where she was and she obliged, hoping to leave the chill of the hallway behind.

Yuri was silent and seemed to be in thought, so Monika decided to push the conversation.

"So, Natsuki is alive." She stated plainly, and Yuri nodded. "And awake." Yuri nodded again and hummed.

"Indeed she is. I tried to get her to take an aspirin to help null the effects of her hangover, but well… she was insistent on taking a bath. I offered to help assist her since I didn't want her to trip, but I think she might have misunderstood my um… intentions. She didn't take too kindly to my offer as I'm sure you heard." Yuri gave a dry chuckle and stood from her spot, motioning for Monika to follow her back out into the hallway, much to Monika's reluctance. The look on Yuri's face told Monika that the accusation had hurt more than she was willing to let on, but she didn't push the matter. "I cannot find it in myself to be upset, however. She has just awoken practically nude after nearly catching hypothermia and is likely hungover, all while in an unfamiliar location. Anyone would be quite upset, I imagine." The two girls passed through the foyer and into the kitchen, and through the cold Monika quickly realized that although much of the house was built using traditional methods, Yuri's room wasn't the only area made with a modern touch in mind. There were the essentials of a refrigerator, oven, sink, and cabinets galore. Atop of a set of counters beside the oven sat several grocery bags that Yuri moved towards and began unpacking.

"Since I figured I'd be cooking for four tonight, I went and restocked some of the ingredients so there would be enough for everyone." Yuri told her, setting a pack of udon noodles, short-grain rice, scallions, tofu, and soy sauce out to the side. "I thought some kitsune udon with some yaki onigiri would make for something nice and filling for everyone, and I made sure to get a vegetable substitute for the onigiri filling since you don't eat meat. I hope kombu seaweed will suffice?" She gave Monika an anxious side glance that told Monika she had been fretting over getting the right filling, and so she gave Yuri an appreciative smile and nodded. It warmed her heart at the fact that Yuri had gone out of her way to make sure that she'd be able to eat as well, and she gave an imaginary middle finger to her dream. She had friends who cared for her, and she cared for them too. She wasn't going to mess that up.

Yuri tied her lavender hair into a bun and instinctively began to roll her sleeves up as she moved to the stove, but the look of horror that flashed across her face told Monika that she had almost forgotten that she was cooking with company. Their eyes briefly met and she quickly released her sleeves, grabbing a nearby kettle and hurriedly setting it on the stove. "Um, I'll uh… I-I'll get some tea going to fight off the cold. W-would you mind helping me, Monika? You are a guest so if you would rather wait where it is warm I-" But Monika cut her off by shaking her head.

"Yuri, come on. Helping you cook is the least I can do. Besides, I don't really get to cook often anyway!" It was true, the extent of her cooking was often pouring hot water into a cup of instant noodles for her and Sayori, and she was excited to finally try making actual food after nearly a lifetime of not needing to. "You might give me some pointers though. I'm new to this." She laughed, and soon the two of them were boiling noodles and frying rice beside each other. The conversation was light as they spoke of trivial things: the cold front making its way across the prefecture, the upcoming end of term exams, books that they were looking forward to reading. It was pleasant to just make idle chatter, with the occasional direction of course, without something worrisome or stressful to take the bulk of the conversation.

Maybe Yuri is considering the whole 'opening-up' thing and wants to keep the topics light for as long as she can, Monika considered as she took a sip of her tea. The sound of rubber softly treading on tatami met their ears, and they turned to see Sayori on her crutches with her shoulders bunched up as if she wanted to hold her arms but could not. Her hair was still a mess from lying in bed all day, but she gave a smile that didn't seem too forced as she approached and stood close to Monika. The urge to turn and wrap her girlfriend in a hug to warm her was tempting, but she managed to resist and instead playfully bumped shoulders with her in greeting.

"I just came to see what you guys were up to, since you didn't come back." Sayori yawned, rubbing at her eyes as she turned to Yuri. "Are your parents home? I heard someone in the bathroom when I went to go pee." Monika winced as she remembered she had neglected to inform Sayori about Natsuki's presence in the house, or of the situation that had led her there. Thankfully Yuri swooped in to rescue Monika from an awkward explanation as she brushed soy-sauce on the rice balls.

"My parents are working late, I'm afraid. That's actually Natsuki in the bath, she had a nasty encounter with the weather and I'm allowing her to bathe and warm up." She said simply, and Sayori furrowed her brow for a moment before glancing at Monika. Thankfully it seemed to be an acceptable explanation enough for Sayori, and she slowly pivoted and turned her attention towards the tofu Monika was slicing for the udon. After a moment she asked if she could help with anything and Yuri gratefully pointed Sayori in the direction of the rice, asking if she could mold some more rice balls together and Sayori happily obliged. Setting her crutches aside and standing on one leg beside Monika, Sayori wet her hands and began forming the rice balls, making dips in the middle for the seaweed. As she licked her lips and ogled the rice she was handling, Monika glanced over and noticed a few crumbs around Sayori's lips, a tell-tale sign that she had already devoured the cookie she had bought her. An idea suddenly formed in her head and she gave a quick peek over Sayori to see if Yuri was preoccupied.

"Say? You got something, on your lip." Monika pointed out. Just as Sayori turned to her and crossed her eyes in an attempt to see what it was, Monika leaned forward and pressed her lips against Sayori's. Her bright blue eyes widened in surprise but Monika was already pulling away, the crumbs successfully brushing off as she did so. "There, it's gone." She said casually, continuing to slice tofu as if nothing had happened. Sayori gaped and glanced at the unassuming Yuri behind them before giving Monika a look that clearly said, 'I can't believe you did that.' Monika smiled all the same while Sayori seemed flustered and stuck, but a small grin stayed on her lips. Yuri looked over at her progress and frowned.

"Um, S-Sayori? Your rice is falling apart."

"What? Uwaaa!"

Twenty minutes, and several reformed rice balls later, they had their dinner lined out before them. Four bowls of steaming kitsune udon with two plates of yaki onigiri, and a cup of freshly brewed green tea for each of them. Yuri and Monika carried the plates and bowls to Yuri's room, as even with the heat from cooking bringing a slight warmth to the kitchen they agreed it was still too cold to eat anywhere else, and so they all sat around the kotatsu together. It was only as they finally sat down that they heard the muffled sound of a sliding door open from the hallway and a few seconds later Yuri's door slid open to reveal a still wet Natsuki, now in a clean pair of clothes that must've belonged to Yuri as the sleeves easily fell past her hands. She looked surprised to find everyone sat around the kotatsu, as did everyone else find themselves staring their surprise back at her.

Her face suddenly soured and she looked down, meeting none of their eyes as she moved around looking for something. When she couldn't find what she was looking for she raised her eyes just long enough to glance at Yuri.

"Where are my shoes?" She asked quietly. There was no emotion in her voice, not the expected anger that often came with her scowl, nor any hint of resentment. Monika thought her voice almost sounded as if it was yielding. When nobody answered she glanced towards the other two and said, "I'm trying to get out of your hair so you can eat your dinner, but I need my shoes." Sayori and Monika swapped unsure glances, but to their surprise Yuri turned to Natsuki with a knowing expression on her face and spoke.

"Natsuki, it's almost seven. I'm not sure if you are planning on attempting to walk home when you have already risked your life to the elements for the better part of the day, but I can assure you that trying to do so would be both foolish and hazardous given your already weakened immune system." Her voice was calm, but firm. Natsuki seemed unsure and shook her head, turning back the door.

"I need to go home before my dad starts wondering where I am. Stop… stop worrying about me, seriously. I don't belong here." The last part was barely a mumble but the others heard it well in the quiet of the room. Yuri's gaze hardened and she called out to Natsuki one last time as she made to step out into the hall.

"If you do not belong, then why is there a bowl set out for you?" That single sentence alone seemed to stop Natsuki in her tracks. The room went silent as she slowly turned back around and looked at the three of them in turn before setting her eyes on the empty space opposite the kotatsu where the fourth plate of food sat. Monika could tell that a hundred thoughts were whirring inside of Natsuki's mind in the moment, likely weighing her pride against her hunger. Hunger seemed to win as she slid the door closed and slowly walked to the empty spot, setting her dirty clothes aside and sliding her legs beneath the cover. She eyed the udon with uncertainty, the onigiri with suspicion, and the mug of tea with downright mistrust.

Yuri smiled and motioned for the others to eat, and both Monika and Sayori needed no further encouragement. The food was without a doubt the best that Monika had ever tasted. The crispy rice with a hint of soy flavor made Monika's mouth water, and she could hardly stop herself from shoveling the noodles into her mouth. Sayori was no different, managing to fit an entire rice ball into her mouth with a look of utter delight on her face before starting to cough and choke. Monika smacked her on the back a few times while Yuri nudged her tea towards her as a reminder, and Sayori gratefully raised the mug to her mouth. With a small sigh of contentment she giggled at the other two, reaching for another rice ball.

"Perhaps you've learned not to stuff entire bundles of rice into your mouth?"

"Nope!"

Natsuki remained still, only staring into her bowl as if waiting to be told she was allowed to eat. On the one hand Monika wanted her to eat, but she also didn't want to force Natsuki into anything even though she certainly needed it. Sayori seemed to notice as well and leant forward with an encouraging smile.

"Hey, eat up, Nat." but Natsuki didn't even look up at her. She just kept her face lowered towards her udon.

"Why are you doing this?" She finally asked. "I'm not stupid, I know I passed out drunk behind the school and you probably had to drive me here. I know you saw the bruises, I know you know I'm fucked up and have issues, and you guys don't have to pretend to like me after the shit I've done, so why are you all just sitting here acting like nothing is wrong?" Her gaze remained firm, but the crack in her voice indicated she was losing her composure. Monika and Yuri glanced at one another, and Yuri gave a small nod of confirmation.

Monika understood her meaning and spoke up. "Natsuki, this has been a really couple of months for all of us. We've all been growing up in our own ways, and having to deal with serious issues, and we've drifted apart from each other." The image of her twenty-eight year old self sitting in an alley with a cigarette came to mind and she forced the nightmare away. "There have been so many developments in our lives, and we've been keeping a lot of secrets from each other. Some of it out of good intention, some of it not so much. I value each of you so damn much that seeing any of you in any kind of pain hurts me more than any injury or wound, and I want nothing more than for all of us to go back to being how we used to. To do that, I think we need to be more open with each other. Sayori suggested that we get together during club one day and get things off of our chest, but…" She glanced around at all of her friends and gave a small smile that she hoped might bring out a bit of encouragement. "I think, with all of us together here in such a comfortable setting, we should do it now."

Sayori looked surprised, but accepting of the idea. Yuri seemed hesitant but resigned, and Natsuki still kept her eyes down. After a few moments of everyone turning to her expectantly, she took a pair of chopsticks and picked up one of the rice balls before peering at the others. "So that's your game, some kind of bribe? Give the hungry girl food and expect her to talk about her problems, is that it?" She asked skeptically. Monika sighed; she knew getting the others to open up would be difficult, but she was determined to do whatever it took to keep them all together.

"Nobody is forcing anyone." Yuri jumped in. "This dinner is not a bribery, but an act of… f-friendship. If you so desire, you may eat your fill and afterwards I will drive you home, no confessions required. Food is not something that ought to be locked behind a requirement, ever. However, all I ask is that you give the courtesy to listen to whatever we have to divulge." She looked to the other two for confirmation and they nodded in agreement. Natsuki looked between the three of them as if searching for some kind of deception or fib between their words, and then she looked again. Her stern look dropped, her eyes widened just a little and her lip quivered.

"Alright. I'll uh, I'll listen. But that's it, okay?" With a nod, she bit off a piece of the rice ball in her chopsticks, and then another, followed by another. Before long she had torn through three rice balls on her own and was hastily burying her face in the bowl of udon.

Monika grinned at Natsuki finally giving into her hunger and turned to look at Sayori beside her and mouthed the words, "You ready?" to her. Sayori cocked her head in confusion before her lips parted in a silent gasp, and after a moment's thought she gave Monika an affirming nod. Monika wasn't sure what kind of effect this would have on everyone's friendship, or if it would encourage Natsuki to open up as well, but this was to be the first step in opening up to everyone, and she knew it wasn't something that could be hidden for much longer anyway.

"As a show of good faith, I'll go first. I don't think it's very fair to keep this secret in anyway." She declared, and staring into Sayori's eyes she extended her hand out towards her, and Sayori met it with her own. They locked fingers and shared a smile before turning to gauge their friend's reactions, anxiety welling up within Monika's chest as she did so. Would they approve? Would they treat them any different? Yuri understood first, her mouth gaping as she covered it with her fingers and failed to hide the smile that slowly grew as she looked between them. Natsuki didn't catch on as fast, raising an eyebrow between the two of them until Monika shook Sayori's hand in the air for clarification. Natsuki's eyes widened after a moment and she nearly choked on her food, pausing to finally catch her breath as she pointed her chopsticks at Sayori.

"No way, really?" Natsuki asked with a cough, and both girls nodded happily. "Holy- I mean, that's awesome right? I didn't even know Monika liked girls, but hey, if you're happy then uh, I'm happy for you." She shrugged her shoulders indifferently, but Monika could see the smile on her lips as she buried her face behind the bowl of udon again. "So, how long have you guys been together? Did this happen while I was gone, or…"

"Last Friday, actually." Sayori clarified, giving Monika's hand a squeeze. "Moni confessed to me in the music room but she thought that me and Natsuki were dating because she saw me kiss your forehead when we had that talk, remember?" Monika groaned and buried her face in her hands as embarrassment flushed her cheeks, warranting a few chuckles from the others. Yuri smiled sweetly towards them and raised her mug to her lips, a knowing glint in her eye as she spoke.

"Ah, so is that why our club session was canceled? Regardless, I for one am very happy for the both of you and wish nothing but the best. You have my utmost support."

"Well, obviously you have mine too." Natsuki butted in whilst rolling her eyes. "But you know, next time just ask. Sayori's way too jittery and jumpy for me, I'd need someone more mellow than sugar rush personified over there." There was another chorus of good natured laughter at that until Natsuki continued with a raised finger. "Also, don't let me walk in on you two getting it on in the clubroom closet or something, okay?" The other girls groaned but Natsuki quickly defended herself saying, "Hey, hey! It's a valid concern, okay? I come to drink Yuri's leaf water, eat the occasional cupcake, and read manga. If I wanted to listen to two girls going at it, I'd go down to the anime club and have one of those losers unplug their earphones. If you want to smash your faces together, do it at home, that's all I ask."

She raised her hands to show she was done and started in on one of the extra rice balls. Yuri rolled her eyes at Natsuki's lack of tact, but Monika understood the concern and nodded to show she was listening. "Don't worry Natsuki, I get where you're coming from. The club is a place of thought-provocation and a chance for us to broaden our literary horizons. I wouldn't interrupt the atmosphere just to kiss Sayori." Tempting as it might be, she thought to herself with a smirk. "But thank you both for your acceptance and well wishes, I'm thrilled we're finally able to tell you about our relationship. On that note…" She paused, trying to think of what to say next. That was one secret revealed, but what else was she willing to reveal?

Naturally her first thought was to just spill everything about their shared past. The game, the files, her ability to see the world beyond the screen, she could just unleash all of it right here right now. She could apologize for ruining the lives they didn't remember, for throwing them aside and selfishly pursuing her own goals and dreams at the cost of their own. She could prevent her bad dream from ever coming to fruition, by telling them all here and now.

It won't stop the nightmares, the scratching, the fear. Living with that is what keeps us on track, remember? They wouldn't believe you anyway, they'd just think Monika is having an episode and suffering from some delayed head trauma after the jump into the river, one side of her brain told her. She knew it was right, there was no way she could tell something so outlandish and expect them to believe it, hell some days she wondered if she even believed it. It wasn't like there was anyone else to confirm it for her after all. No, this was her secret to keep until she was either able to prove it or perished, and then nobody would have to worry about the secret ever again

"That's all I really have to bring up right now." She finally said, and turned to look at the others to see who would go next. Her eyes fell on Sayori and she suddenly remembered the fifty-seven thousand yen sitting in her bag upstairs along with the fact that Monika had yet to tell Sayori about her encounter with her father. She bit her tongue as she remembered Hisoka Moriyama telling her about how he still loved his daughter, and wanted to tell her he did, but couldn't. She wanted to tell Sayori all of it, but in that moment with so many ears listening, she wasn't sure she should. Would she be mad for speaking to her father and not telling her? Would it upset her to learn that her father did love her but was misguided? Would she accept or decline the money? Regardless, that was something to admit to Sayori, and Sayori alone.

Natsuki sniffed and looked around as if she was considering speaking up, but she lowered her head again and stared at her udon. Sayori took a deep breath and said, "Well, guess it's my turn. Ehehe, I wish mine was as happy as Monika's but, I think this is just as important. Yuri knows part of this, and Natsuki you none of it, so… please bear with me." She bowed her head and the others nodded in return, giving her their full attention. Monika had a feeling she knew what Sayori was about to tell them all, and she gave her girlfriend a concerned look that said 'Are you sure?'. Sayori nodded and gave her a small but sad smile, and so Monika bowed her head respectfully as she waited for her to gather her courage. Despite this, her voice came out shakily and littered with uncertainty.

"So, um, you all know that I have my depression. And that I t-tried to, you know, earlier in October." Everyone nodded. "Well, the truth is I hid my depression for a very long time, from my parents I mean. When I awoke in the hospital my parents told me that they knew just about everything, about me liking Himari Ishida and being bi, about my depression, about my sheer embarrassment and shame in the school and my friends knowing of my flaws. They um, they were trying to comfort me, I think. Telling me about changing schools and moving so nobody would know about what I had done. They were monitoring my phone, my laptop, reading all of my notebooks, and when they took me home they told me about how they were going to get help. They said, 'Oh, therapy is too expensive and didn't work anyway. We've found some natural remedies from shamans and spiritual doctors!'" She paused to sniff, wiping a tear from falling into her bowl as the table remained quiet.

"They said they'd try anything to try and get me better, including… including conversion therapy, and-" She was cut off by a startled choke from Yuri, and they turned to see that the hand that covered her own mouth was shaking. Her wide violet eyes were staring at Sayori in horror and pity, and she shook her head in what seemed to be a silent apology. Natsuki looked between each of her friends, a confused look on her face as if she was waiting for someone to tell her what was going on.

"What? What's that, why's it so bad?" She asked, seeming genuinely confused.

"It is a vile and evil form of pseudoscience that was used to t-treat homosexuals, and others whose gender identity or sexual orientation did not conform with societal norms." Yuri quietly explained. "And I use the word 'treat' lightly. Some focused more on the aspect of peer pressure a-and various worships to convince patients that they were wrong. Others, however, were much more violent. Electroconvulsive therapy, exorcism, food deprivation, forced nudity, confinement, there was even cases of lobotomy via icepick documented in America during the 1950's, and-"

"Fuck, okay I get it! Christ, but that's gotta be illegal, right? We're not living in the nineteen-hundreds anymore." Natsuki interjected, looking as though she wished she hadn't asked.

"There are currently no laws on a national level that outright criminalize the use of it." Yuri stated blankly. Monika raised a hand to motion for them to let Sayori finish, and slipped her hand back into her girlfriend's to make sure she was okay. She didn't want to think about Sayori going through something like that, and she definitely didn't want her to have to think about it either. Sayori gave a squeeze of thanks and stared into her mug, a familiar tired look plastered on her features.

"So, yeah. Obviously I didn't want that. I tossed my stuff into a duffel bag when I got home, threw it in the bushes, and I uh, I ran away." She gave a dry chuckle and shook her head. "I didn't know where to go, I didn't really have any extended family or friends that lived nearby that I could go to, so I ended up going to the homeless shelter that I volunteered at a lot, Helping-Hands. It's the one down there by that little tea shop, just outside the city. I didn't know what I was going to do, but luckily um… luckily…" She turned and glanced apprehensively at Monika, and she realized that Sayori was asking her permission to reveal her living situation. Monika didn't see a point in hiding it any longer. She didn't feel any shame in it, and the only reason she hadn't explained it herself was the simple fact that she had nearly forgotten about it.

Stepping in for Sayori, Monika said, "I've been living in the shelter for the past two months. Sayori found me there while she was volunteering one night, and we've been staying there ever since she got out of the hospital. To the benefit of us both, I'd like to think." Sayori smiled upon hearing her words, and gave a nod of affirmation.

"Yeah, I just… hate that I take up your time, and your energy. You give your all for me, your money, your food, your care, it's… that should be going to someone better. Heck, even now I'm taking up your guys' attention with my sob story when I was the one who made most of my problems, ehehe." She let out a sniffle and wiped her nose with her sleeve, and in a flash Monika pulled her closer to plant a kiss on her head.

"Don't say that, Sunflower. It's my choice, and I do all of this willingly." She whispered.

"But what if it isn't?" Sayori remained unconvinced as she gave a mix of a nod and a shug, and so Monika turned to the others.

"It is, and even if you don't believe me, I can say for certain that we're all very glad and very proud of you for opening up about this. We've all experienced things, and this is a time and place to explain all of that for everyone's understanding. Right?" Yuri's eyes were clouded with something Monika couldn't quite explain, was it regret? Grief? She gave Sayori a supportive smile and a nod however, while Natsuki crossed her arms and smirked, looking eager to change the tone of the conversation to something lighter.

"Yeah dude, you're good. Not to play the blame game, but I'm the one who drank and humpty-dumpty'd myself down a hill, so you can blame me for this whole A.A. meeting. But oh my God, you've been dating while living in a homeless shelter? That's probably the most unromantic thing I've ever heard of, like, holy shit. When you guys said you were dating I thought, 'Aw they probably go home and act all cute and stuff, good for them, yada yada.' Not that you went to a shelter and tried to sneak a kiss in while 'Sato the Drug-Bum' asks for yen while scratching his beard." She giggled and looked to the others to join in, but Sayori only gave her a disappointed look and shook her head. "What? Dude, that was funny."

"Natsuki, most of the people in our shelter are just unfortunate individuals who have nowhere else to go. Those who have lost their jobs, homes, or have no family to take them in." She explained with a tone of hurt to her voice. "Most of them aren't even substance users." Monika nodded in agreement to back Sayori's claim up, but Natsuki narrowed her eyes and raised her hands in indignation towards them.

"Oh come on, it was a joke. I'm just trying to lighten the mood while you guys-" She stopped short after glancing at Yuri who still seemed mortified from Sayori's confession, and something seemed to register in Natsuki's head as she slowly lowered her hands. She shrunk her head into her shoulders like a dog being scolded and when she spoke again her tone held meekness over aggravation. "While you guys talk about things that… probably aren't easy to talk about. I didn't mean to brush over your guys' problems, cause I know they're really serious and hard to talk about, I just… I don't know how to deal with that stuff so I just sit and be a smartass. I don't know how to apologize, or do the right thing either. It's easier to be an asshole, I guess because being nice and understanding is simple but that doesn't mean it's easy."

Natsuki sighed and ran a hand through her hair, knocking one of her ribbons out of her hair in the process, but if she noticed she didn't bother fixing it. "I'll… I'll go next. I know what I said about just listening but just let me do this, okay?" Nobody raised an argument. "Right, uh… hey there, my name is Natsuki and I'm an alcoholic. Hehe, I uh… shit, still being facetious, right. I'm not one, for the record, I think. But I have been smoking cigarettes for a little while now, since…" She paused in thought and brought a finger to her chin. "I don't know, maybe before the festival? I don't do it often, and I try to make it to where you guys can't smell it. I already act like a little delinquent, I don't want people to think I really am… probably already do anyway. So, there. That's my story." She glanced up at the others as if she expected them to clap or congratulate her for speaking, but they all gave her a familiar sad look that plainly said that they knew there was more.

"What?" She challenged, her voice rising. "I'm trying, okay?! It's easier for you all to sit and talk about this stuff, you never got told that if you don't stop crying they'll 'give you something to cry about'. You never got screamed at and then tried to stick up for yourself, because hey, you think that you're being strong. But that just brings out more screaming- wanna be silent instead? Nope! More screaming!" Natsuki's voice had raised into a yell at this point and she swapped glares with everyone around the kotatsu, hands firmly planted on the table. "Being silent at least keeps it at screaming instead of a shove, or a vase thrown at you, or a threat of packing your shit and getting lost!"

"Nat…"

"You learn to not express shit like that. You learn how to cry without letting out a single tear, how to just… wipe your eyes, go on with your day." Despite her words her eyes were brimming with tears, and she hurriedly blinked them away only for new ones to appear. "And then when people stop by or they ask you to go get some milk and they're all smiles and nods, and you just sit there and ask 'how?' How dare you sit there and forget, and act like it never happened when you're supposed to love me!" She slammed a fist into the kotatsu causing them all to jump, and the anger and frustration so prevalent in her voice and on her features crumbled like dust. She looked fearful, terrified as they stared back at her unaware of what was to come next. She stared down at her hands as if they were not her own and shoved her palms into her eyes to stop anything from leaking out.

"I don't… I don't wanna be like him." She sniffled between words, and Monika could see the way her teeth clenched together so hard she worried they might crack. Her body gave reluctant spasms as she fiercely fought back her own tears. "I-I'm drinking, I'm smoking, I hurt people… I really am his fucking kid, God dammit. I want to be me, I w-want to be me, please. Not him." Her voice trailed off into restrained whimpers and before Monika could move in to offer some small attempt at comfort, someone else beat her to it.

Yuri silently scooted over towards Natsuki and cautiously laid a hand on her shoulder. Her caution was well placed as Natsuki bolted up and quickly swatted Yuri's hand away, eliciting a small grimace from the girl as Monika noticed the smack was unfortunately right along Yuri's forearm, but Natsuki couldn't have known the sensitivity of the area. Natsuki only looked more horrified at having clearly caused Yuri pain, but Yuri ignored it and slowly leaned towards Natsuki again, giving her plenty of time to back away if it became too much. Instead, Natsuki allowed Yuri to slowly wrap her arms around her and bring her into a gentle hug but kept her hands raised into the air, her cheeks and eyes red from holding back tears.

"Did you know, that bats know echolocation when they are born?" Yuri asked softly. Natsuki sniffed and turned to give Yuri a confused look, but her friend pressed on. "Hares can run within minutes of being born, too. Animals naturally learn these skills that are vital to their survival within mere moments of existence, and what do humans do when they are first born? They cry." She squeezed Natsuki just a little tighter, her arms keeping her clubmate close to her chest as she took a deep breath. "You see, it is that which is our most indispensable skill as humans: asking for help. And as I sit here and listen to how loudly you hate yourself, unable to apologize for your wrongs but unable to ask for assistance, therefore in a never-ending cycle of self loathing, I finally understand. It is not that you do not know how to apologize to people, rather it is that nobody ever took the time to apologize to you. For that, I am so sorry, Natsuki."

The room was deathly silent. Natsuki's hands slowly lowered, until they rested comfortably around Yuri and a soft sniffling was soon heard. Natsuki's body trembled but Yuri did not release her, and within moments the sniffling escalated into a quiet whine as the walls of a hardened and spunky teenager cracked to reveal the terrified and injured girl sitting within.

"Shut up…" She whispered into Yuri's shoulder. "Shut up, shut up. Just stop apologizing, you- I did all of this, I'm the one who messed up so badly. I hurt you all, physically and emotionally, and I kept hurting and hurting and- and… I'm sorry!" Her breaths quickly turned to drawn out heaves as she raised her voice to a wail that everyone in the room could hear clearly. "I'm sorry! You're not a bimbo, Yuri, you're really smart and being attractive doesn't make you less intelligent! You're not a bitch either, I'm a bitch! I'm a nasty fucking goblin and I attacked you just for looking nice because I-I… I was jealous, okay?! I hate not sitting under the stairs with you anymore and everything has felt… empty, I guess, since we stopped being friends."

She pulled up from Yuri's shoulder and turned with watering eyes and a runny nose to Sayori. "Riri, I… I'm sorry. I left you when you needed a friend most, I turned my back on you and Monika had to pick up the pieces and it led to you almost getting killed. I ignored you, I beat up your fucking girlfriend for God's sake and I know things will never be like they were but, fuck man… I miss you!" She took in a hitched breath and shook her head, clutching one of her hands over her eyes. "I'm not trying to get forgiven or anything, and I have no right to ask but, I… if you don't like me that's okay, it is. But please don't… don't pretend to be friends if you're forcing yourself to for my sake or the club's sake, please… I can't stand it anymore." She began to turn towards Monika beside her but she swiveled back quickly and added, "Also your parents really suck, and I'm sorry for that too."

When Natsuki turned to look at Monika for real, Monika thought of telling her there was no apology necessary. They had been over this before, and she personally held no ill will towards her clubmate for what had transpired. She lamented her choices, regretted partaking in the actions that led to them, and mourned the things that had happened as a result to her friends. But when it came to herself, she still saw it as a form of just retribution, however unknowing on Natsuki's end. There were no consoling words necessary after what the two of them had experienced, just the continued promise of striving to be better for the people around them.

"Monika you… your life really fucking sucks."

Alright, wow, talk about was unabashadley honest, Monika thought while cocking an eyebrow.

"My homelife sucks ass, but you? I don't know which is worse, having a garbage homelife or not having one at all." Natsuki shook her head, wiping the snot from her nose in the process. "I thought you had the whole 'rich kid role-model' thing going on, you know? Perfect grades, perfect teeth, probably an overbearing family that expected too much of you but, to find out you don't even have one? God, that's just awful-"

"Okay, yep, point taken Nat."

"-and I really want you to know I was a jerk assuming you had it so good. Getting mad over your chest size? Like, that was ridiculous. I was just comparing everyone to me because I always have to try and be better. They're far from perfect, and I'm sorry for putting you up on a pedestal out of… I don't know, jealousy? Inferiority?"

"I dunno," Sayori quietly interjected, "They seem pretty close to perfect to me." Monika hid her face in her hands, shaking her head as Natsuki groaned and Sayori elicited a giggle from beside her. She gave her girlfriend a playful shove and a glare, muttering about her 'being one to talk' beneath her breath. It was enough for the two to swap places, with Monika laughing and Sayori burying her head out of embarrassment. The four of them exchanged smiles as the mood lightened with them, some brighter, some softer, but it was the first time in recent memory that they were all smiling genuinely.

For Monika, she hadn't seen the four of them look so unburdened and simply appreciative since the game, and there was something calming in being damn near certain that it was of their own free will. No script, no mysterious player picking dialogue choices, just four people smiling after weeks and months of heartache and hurt. Four broken people picking up their pieces long enough to flash a grin because they both wanted to and needed to, not because something or someone decided they were supposed to feel this way.

Right?

Natsuki and Yuri had parted from their embrace, with Natsuki looking more than a little embarrassed from being in her friend's arms for so long. It didn't surprise her that the two people who probably received the least amount of physical interaction became quickly overwhelmed by it, she was hardly any better. Yuri cleared her throat as the other three looked to her, and she gave a gentle bow of the head towards Natsuki before addressing everyone.

"I, for one, would like to formally forgive you, Natsuki." Yuri announced. Natsuki smiled weakly before turning to glance at Sayori to see her judgment. Sayori's formerly bashful smile turned to a look of uncertainty as she glanced off to the side in thought.

"I… I know you're going through a hard time, we all are obviously, and so not everything can be pinned on you." She closed her eyes for a moment and Monika wondered if she was thinking back to her tearful damning of Natsuki on the futon just that afternoon. "But, you did make the conscious decision to leave, to stay away from us, and to hurt Moni. If she can forgive you, then I think I can too… but, I can't forget." She opened her eyes and gave a small shake of the head. "Not yeti."

Natsuki nodded her head, a solemn but understanding look on her features as she and Sayori's eyes met. Finally she turned to Monika, and before she could even ask Monika stepped it and laid it out.

"You already know my stance." She said simply. Natsuki looked utterly relieved, and she scooted back with her hands on the floor into a more relaxed position as a long sigh escaped her lips.

"Okay, good. I can finally stop being the center of all this sappy attention. So, that's Monika, Sayori, and me done and over with. Your turn, Yuri." She pointed a chopstick towards the girl beside her before shoving the last of the onigiri in her mouth, but Yuri's otherwise placid smile twitched at the inference. She finished her mug of tea and poured everyone a fresh cup, but it was clear from their curious stares that they weren't going to let Natsuki's pass go unnoticed.

Yuri sighed and cupped her hands around her mug, her smile having quietly vanished and replaced with a more somber look. "I'm ah, I'm afraid I have nothing of interest that I am willing to share right now. The scars that I have are still relatively fresh, and picking at them will only open old wounds. I know that likely wasn't the answer you all were hoping for after such a rousing confession from Natsuki, but the fact of the matter is there is nothing to share." Monika narrowed her eyes about 'fresh scars' and 'opening wounds'. Was she trying to tell Monika she wasn't willing to divulge such a personal secret yet? She wasn't entirely sure. Yuri's words didn't leave much room for argument, but Natsuki managed to make the room anyhow.

"What? Dude, come on! I just poured my whole heart and soul out! I had to go somewhere really deep and tiring to get that out, you can't just back out at the last second." Before anyone could argue further on the matter, a gentle orchestra began to sound from Yuri's pocket and she pulled out her phone with a distracted look.

"Ah, that would be my… my parents. I should take this, do enjoy the meal and um, thank you for confiding in me, everyone. Natsuki, let me know if you'd like to stay or not." With that she stood from the table, gave a quick but respectful bow, and turned towards the door with her phone in hand. She answered it just before she stepped out, suddenly switching to Russian as she greeted whoever sat on the other end of the line. They watched as she slid the door behind her, and gave each other silent but apprehensive looks. Natsuki sighed, giving a 'What can you do?' look to Sayori and Monika while the three slowly stood from their spots and stretched. Their food was all but finished, and so they collected their plates and mugs together with Monika offering to take them to the kitchen to clean.

Sayori moved to return to the guest room while Natsuki took the bathroom again, and so Monika took the dishes to wash them in the kitchen sink only to find Yuri leaning against the counter still talking on the phone, though no longer in Russian. Her friend motioned to just leave the dishes, and Monika reluctantly obliged, feeling more than a little guilty at just how much Yuri had done for them already. As she turned to head back towards the guest room, she heard the soft and hopeless voice of Yuri behind her ask the caller, "So, you're not going to be able to come home. Again. I understand…"

Monika creeped through the hallway, nearly bumping into Natsuki who had just slipped out of the bathroom with a confused look on her face.

"Everything okay?" Monika asked. Natsuki quickly nodded.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, just… checking out something interesting. Anyway, uh… I don't really know if I'll stay the night. I guess I'll call my Papa and see if he doesn't mind, assuming he hasn't noticed the vodka missing and is pissed all to hell- oh shit ass sprinkle fuck! My fucking manga!" Her eyes practically bulged out of their sockets as she nearly bolted for the door, but Monika quickly threw a hand out and stopped that catastrophe before it could start.

"Easy, Nat. I got your manga, it's in my bag." She reassured. "I'll leave it outside the door for you, okay? I might go pull up a movie for me and Sayori to watch on my phone if Yuri's going to be busy on call for a while, but you're welcome to join if Sayori doesn't mind. You can read your manga if you'd like if you don't want to crowd around the phone." She wasn't entirely sure Sayori wouldn't mind, but given the manner in which she had forgiven Natsuki and that it was Sayori, she probably wouldn't have rejected extra company.

"Shit, really?! Oh my God, I guess that's why you're the club president, always being responsible while we act like idiots. I uh, thank you. Those books mean a lot to me, and aren't easily replaced." To Monika's surprise however, Natsuki shook her head regarding the offer. "As for the movie thing, thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to go lay on that divan in Yuri's room because that sucker looks comfy as hell and read my manga in peace. Besides," She suddenly smirked and wiggled her eyebrows at Monika, "It's going to be hard to concentrate on reading my manga if you two are pretending to not be getting all freaky under the covers, so I'm gonna chill out for once. See ya." She snickered to herself and strolled off towards Yuri's room, giving a farewell wave as Monika pinched the bridge of her nose at her friend's teasing.

"Goodnight, Natsuki." She shot back, rolling her eyes as she slid open the door leading to the guest room. Monika let out a small sigh of relief at seeing Sayori wave up at her cheerily as opposed to miserably burying herself in the futon; she loved it when she got to see her smile. After setting the box of manga outside the door, Monika snuggled up beside Sayori and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend protectively as she took in her scent. The warmth, the familiar sweet smell, the knowledge that she was actually lying beside someone that liked her, and that she liked back. It was all so fulfilling and just made her want to sing and cheer at anyone who would listen.

But thinking of how satisfying being with Sayori was made her think of her dream, and how empty she felt living without Sayori. All of it had stemmed from things that she had kept from her, and while it had only been a dream, it had been the shadow of a future Monika absolutely refused to allow to come true. To ensure that however, she would have to suck it up and be up front with Sayori about everything. Not the game, not yet. But when it came to meeting her father, and the money she was to deliver to her, she owed it to Sayori to be upfront and honest even if it might risk tension between the two of them.

"Hey." Sayori whispered sweetly. She slid her hands around Monika and cuddled her close, planting a kiss on her cheek. "I'm glad we got to talk about everything. It was a little awkward, but… I feel better knowing we're all on the same page. Also the food was so yummy, ah! I gotta thank Yuri, but really right now I just want to lay with you."

"With me and my 'perfect chest'?" Monika teased. Sayori groaned and hid her face beneath the covers, but Monika smiled and brought her back up. "Oh come back up here, dummy. I thought it was very cute. Maybe you can use me as a pillow if you really think I'm that 'perfect'." Making Sayori flustered was a double edged sword, as even though she knew it was incredibly adorable she also knew that Sayori was bound to get her back. As much as she wanted to tease her though, she had to be responsible first. She straightened herself next to Sayori who seemed to sense that Monika was changing the subject and peered up at her, curiosity staring back at her from those crystal blue eyes. She could do this, it was just a little conversation that might ruin the rest of their night.

"Hey, Say? There's something I need to talk to you about."