It's dark.
Quiet too.
I don't think I'm dead.
But…. shouldn't I be?
I didn't kill the Angel, so why…
Did the AT Field really save me? Is Tokyo-3 already gone?
...when will I die?
I'm scared.
My eyes scanned the darkness, trying to search out even the smallest of lights. There was nothing. No emergency lights. No monitors. No light at the end of a tunnel.
My hands squeezed tightly around whatever they were laying upon. The sudden, heavy clack of the Evangelion's unpowered controls moving forward awarded me a relieving sense of safety, but the lack of Unit-02's movement, the lack of any response at all, made my situation suddenly that much more real.
I was alive, but alone.
Left to die in this machine for my failure.
Is this what I deserve? To sit in this black void until I suffocate, or drown, or whatever LCL will do to me once the oxygen runs out? My last moments were supposed to be awesome, and heroic, not like… this. Even Unit-02 is that cruel to me…?
I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. It was cold here, and holding my own body close offered no comfort.
At some point, I was going to die here.
How?
How did it end up like this?
Up until about five months ago, I was happily living in Germany. Training, testing, it was fun. Everyone used to tell me what a good job I was doing. How strong I was. Kaji was there too!
Kaji...
On paper, he was my guardian. Though, when we were alone, when it was just Kaji and I, he was my boyfriend. Well, I called him that. He didn't seem to ever mind either, he was used to having girls all around him. He was just so cool, so hot, he really made me feel like I was the only girl he had eyes for!
Kaji made me feel special back then.
But then, that period of my life was over, and another suddenly began. We had to go to Japan. It was time for my Evangelion and I to head into real battles. With the Angels appearing, the single working Eva they had wasn't doing the job well enough to defend Tokyo-3. I knew that situation would happen eventually. I was ready for it.
It's what I lived for.
I fantasized for the days leading up to us heading off to join the UN's fleet about how I was going to jump to humanity's rescue. My sync scores were the best recorded out of any potential test pilots the globe over, I was praised endlessly for my expert battle sense, and I fought just like a hero should! The puny Japanese Eva would pale in comparison to the force I was about to bring. Anything that stood between me and victory would get crushed, Angel or not! Everyone would shower me with the affection and praise I deserved!
Reality was… a bit different than the thoughts in my head, I've found out.
My first fight with an Angel… no, all of my fights with Angels thus far have been near failures, haven't they? I didn't stomp every challenge in my way. I gave 110% and everyone else lagged behind, so every battle was by the skin of our teeth! How did they all manage to let it get this bad? Stupid! Everyone's so stupid...
On top of the Angels, I was ordered to team up with two of the most insufferable creatures anyone could be forced to work beside! Both of them pets of NERV's director; one being his spineless, idiot son (that he hardly gives a shit about, from the looks of it), and the other is this damned soulless doll that talks like a robot (that he fawns over whenever they're in the same room together, disgusting).
I have a commander too, one with a military rank and everything. Not that she should have one, with the ungodly amounts of alcohol she ingests. I used to think she was alright, back when she would come to the German branch to get updates on my testing, but THEN I found out she's Kaji's old flame, and…
The second we met with them, that first day, I saw something change with Kaji. I ignored it at first, but it was impossible to keep that up after a while. The way he looked at her, at Misato Katsuragi, was the way I had wished he would look at me.
The gaze of love.
What could I do to compete, anyway. I'm just a stupid little girl who can't even kill Angels. I try and try, but... everyone else messes it up for me! They mess with my feelings, and mess with my ideas. I hate it!
If that was true, if it was everybody else's fault, then why am I still this angry at myself?
Who said I was angry at myself!? I'm the only one who does any work! Nobody takes this as seriously as I do!
Isn't that part of why I'm mad? Everyone else just lags about. I'm the only one who feels like they're trying to fight for something. Maybe I'm the messed up one?
That's… That's not right. I'm not messed up. I'm the best Eva pilot on earth! There's no way I could be messed up, no way! I'd never lose if it was all up to me, so it must be something else. It must be...
It's pretty clear who failed in this case. No one would blame me for hating myself here. I missed the final strike. I failed the mission. So, I'm going to die because I wasn't good enough.
That's not true, dammit! It wasn't my fault at all! That stupid Shinji couldn't handle his only job, and Wondergirl was far too slow! Misato came up with an awful plan to begin with, so there's no room for blaming me here! I did everything right! I did everything right! I did everything right!
...and yet, I'm pissed at myself. Boiling with anger that I couldn't win! I pride myself with how good I am! My scores show it! My combat tests, my sync ratings, they all show how good I am! Then why!? How did I miss? It shouldn't've mattered what the Angel was doing, or what the First Child or the Third Child were doing, or what! It was all on me, and I messed it up! That's why I'm here! Alone, in this dark, lonely pit. Just waiting to suffocate, or blow up, or whatever!
Who would want to keep around a failure like me now, anyway? I'm glad the world is gone then! At least he won't have to show how disappointed he was in me…
No.
Matsuo wasn't like that.
We didn't start off the best, sure. I was mad at first that I wasn't going to be able to live with Kaji like before, and… he was dealing with his own problems. I wanted him to hang out with me like Kaji did, to treat me like Kaji did, but he was so different…
But we came around! Matsuo takes me places, and talks to me! He's a good cook, and he's always checking on me to see if I need things, or if I'm feeling okay! He's pretty boring, but he's… kind. I think. Once you get past his outer layer, anyway. He trusts me, far more than anyone else does around here.
Well, he was kind. He had trusted me. Matsuo's probably dead now too…
My heart sank. Just for a moment, when I said that to myself, I felt truly awful. I hugged my knees even tighter to my chest.
I'm scared. The LCL is getting harder to breathe in. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I just want things to be normal again. I want to go back. I want to start over. Give me another chance! Give me another chance! I don't want to die! I'm not ready to die yet! This wasn't my fault!
"I don't want to die!"
The first words I had said aloud since I woke up, my own voice shocked me. I screamed it again, loudly. My teeth clenched. I repeated it again, and again, and again, in rhythm with the shifting of the Eva's controls. I wanted it to turn on. So badly, I wanted Unit-02 to respond to me, to listen to my pleas. I wanted to open my eyes and see something.
I didn't want to be in this darkness anymore!
I didn't want to be alone in here anymore!
I screamed. As loud as I could. I stamped my feet. My head was scrambled after hours in the darkness, but I could still move. I slammed the controls back and forth.
Small movements.
They were coming from somewhere. Unit-02 was doing something! It had to be! I just had to keep trying! This wasn't my imagination! I'm here! I'm alive!
Let me live, dammit!
A sudden change in pressure.
Light flooded into the entry plug as the LCL around me flowed out through the opened compartment. I coughed and sputtered with the warningless introduction of air to my lungs.
What happened? It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the brightness now surrounding me.
This wasn't a dream. It wasn't heaven either.
I saw the sky. The entry plug must be on its side, and those movements were from… being ejected? The sky was blue. Sunny. It was warm, like a hug. I was freezing cold, and the plugsuit just made it worse, but this feeling… It cleared my mind. All the things that barraged my thoughts over the last few hours felt like distant shadows, purged away by the sunshine.
This was the world.
It didn't end. Tokyo-3 didn't disappear. I didn't lose.
I didn't lose.
Slowly, a smile grew across my lips.
I didn't lose. I didn't lose. I didn't lose.
Tickling my brain with every repetition, my tired body laid back in this LCL pool, letting the sun from the opened hatch pour over me. I giggled to myself.
Focusing on the sounds as I closed my eyes, I heard distant clangs, though softened by the insulation of the plug. The sounds of… machinery? Vehicles, maybe? Had NERV come to rescue us?
The brightness disappeared, blocked by something just as suddenly as it had come, taking me out of my relaxation for a moment. My eyes cracked open. It was hard to make out, but someone… someone was looking in at me, just a meter away from my face, obscured…
"...you're okay. Don't worry, we'll get you out, Asuka! Just give me a minute! I'll be right back, I promise!"
His voice.
It was the voice I had gotten so used to hearing over the last five months. A calming voice.
The Lieutenant's voice.
He left, and thus, the sun was back, bathing me in its shine again. I knew he would return soon, to get me out of here. To bring me back to the HQ. To get me medical attention or whatever. I felt fine now, I was just tired, that's all. I know they'll have a debriefing as soon as I get there, so I'll just have to enjoy this peace while I have it.
I closed my eyes once more.
"Ich will nach hause gehen…"
Author's Note : What'd you all think? I plan to do a couple of these Asuka PoV chapters from here to the ending, but I hope you enjoyed this first one! When planning this, I thought to myself "what if Asuka was met with what she perceived to be her worst failure, without having her prideful self peeled away?", and it resulted in this internal, almost manic, back-and-forth between her truer, defeated side giving into the situation, and her confident side refusing to accept it. This being the first time Asuka has been looked at in-depth, due to the nature of Matsuo's PoV, I also wanted to give time to a bit of her backstory as well. I'm sure most readers will already be well aware of Asuka's past, but you'll also likely understand why I didn't touch on any of that here. When we're ready to tackle that, it'll be a bit later haha
As for the immediate future of the fic, I'm working hard at planning the next chapter and hope to have it, and the one after it, out in the coming two weeks. One in particular will be just for Halloween, even if it misses the 31st by a bit! As mentioned in the last chapter's notes, these next few will be back to the usual, easy-going vibe of the fic, to take a break from the Angels and focus on Mastuo and Asuka, so look forward to more comfy times! Peace!