For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

20. New Home

Chapter 20: New Home

The chapter of healing through suffering, and suffering through healing.

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"Yuri! Yuri, open the damn door!" Natsuki shouted whilst frantically bashing against the wooden frame. They had just arrived at Yuri's house only to find that the shoji screen door wouldn't budge, and Natsuki's gut reaction had been to bang on the fragile door and yell in a voice loud enough for the whole street to hear. Monika quickly reached forward and gripped Natsuki's wrist to stop her, only to receive a murderous glare in return. She quickly let go and retracted, silently reprimanding herself for forgetting that Natsuki didn't like to be grabbed or touched in any manner.

With a sigh, Monika said, "Natsuki, come on, you know that's not going to bring her out. Besides, you might break the door, and breaking someone's things isn't the way to get them to open up to you."

"What's she gonna do, sue me? Not like her parents are around to call the cops." Natsuki grumbled. She gave the door one last knock and scoffed, glaring at Monika as if she had personally jammed the door shut. "Seriously, I didn't even know these old things could be locked. How would you even- the hell is she doing that she can't hear me break her door down?" Natsuki hopped off the porch and started scoping the walls while Monika leaned over the banister and grumbled under her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose as she thought of what to do. Sayori sighed from behind her and she turned to see her girlfriend give her a disappointed shake of the head as she held her phone in her hands.

"She's not picking up." Sayori mumbled. Monika caught her eye as she gave a worried glance toward the front door and it was clear they were both thinking of very similar things. Sayori knew what it was like to be pushed to the end of one's own rope, and Monika did too. Before either of them could voice their concerns, Natsuki appeared from around the right side of the house with a hiss, beckoning them over. Monika helped Sayori down the porch and the two skittered over to find her pointing up to a large circular opening acting as a window. Monika could barely reach it with her fingertips and Natsuki couldn't even grasp at it when she jumped.

Both girls raised an eyebrow at Natsuki who rolled her eyes at their inattentiveness. "Look, if one of you lifts me up, I can crawl through there and get the front door open! I think this is the room Sayori was staying in."

"Natsuki, that's literally breaking and entering!" Monika hissed. "If someone sees us, or hell, Yuri herself even, they might call the police if they see us crawling through her window!"

"And what if she's hurt?!" Natsuki shot back. "Don't back out on me now, dammit! You did the same thing when I told you about Sayori in the clubroom way back when, remember?"

"Huh?" Sayori looked between the two of them in confusion. She hadn't been present and therefore did not remember. Monika did. She wanted to say that it had been different, that there wasn't the risk of legal intervention with Sayori, but that wasn't what it was and she knew it. Natsuki knew it. She wanted plausible deniability, so that if they were right, if they were too late, she had an excuse to not be forced to witness it. One of the voices in her head scolded her for such selfish thoughts when someone she cared for was in danger, while the other assured her that it was okay that she was scared. What the voices did agree on however, was that she absolutely could not turn back, scared or not.

Without another word Monika stepped over beneath the window and knelt down with her hands cupped and a determined stare towards Natsuki. She wasted no time in stepping over and letting Monika lift her up, though while she was light enough to lift without much effort it was clear her arm strength was severely lacking as she struggled to pull herself into the window. Monika held her up as best she could while Sayori silently played lookout, when her friend's shaky voice rang down from above her.

"D-don't look up my skirt or I'll kick your teeth in, got it?"

Monika rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because I'm really going to try and sneak a peek at your underwear while I'm standing right next to my girlfriend." She wished Natsuki had been looking down at her so she could have shown the exasperation she was so evidently displaying until she replayed her own words in her head. "Not that I would even if she wasn't, just hurry up and get the damn door- Nat!" Her voice fizzled out into a low hiss as she felt Natsuki push off of her hands and tumble through the window, following with a soft thwump from the other side. Monika's eyes widened and she quickly retreated to the front porch with Sayori in tow.

They waited for what felt like hours with baited breath, though in truth it was barely a minute as both girls pressed their ears up to the screen as best as they could. Finally there was a sound of something being moved aside and the screen door opened to reveal a slightly disheveled Natsuki staring back at them.

"Sorry, I kinda fell. Thank God for tatami flooring because that stuff is way softer than wood, that's for sure." She ushered them inside and the three of them looked around at the darkened entranceway, the chill in the room and utter feeling of loneliness making the house seem more like a tomb knowing what they did now. Even Natsuki looked on edge as the disquiet took over, and she seemed to have nothing more to say as they stepped further in. Monika could see the kitchen dead ahead where just a few days ago they had been joking and cooking dinner together. To their right was Yuri's room, though there was no light from the inside for once, and the bathroom as well as the guest room were both just as dark and empty. Had they not seen her car outside, Monika might've thought she hadn't come home at all.

There was a scraping that was followed by a muffled thump from the left hallway leading from the kitchen, and they all jumped at the sudden break in silence. For a moment they just glanced at each other nervously until a loud shattering sound made them all jump again. Something was wrong. Monika led the way, anxiety prickling at her neck and back like a band of viscous mosquitoes. There was a strong smell that assaulted Monika's senses and made her want to gag, as if someone had taken a rack of different perfumes and aftershaves and thrown them together to make some overwhelming concoction.

Monika had never been towards the left side of the exceedingly large house before, and she suspected none of her friends had either. Without any lighting the hall itself seemed ominous and foreboding, especially with the increasingly concerning noises pouring from behind the farthest door. When an indignant roar erupted from the door, Natsuki pushed past Monika and slammed the door open with a harsh shove, determination and worry dancing across her face.

"Yuri!" She cried out, but her body stopped as soon as she entered the room as if she had run into a brick wall. Monika ran up behind her and what she saw made her nearly stop in her tracks, and her stomach sank like a brick. The room before her was utterly trashed. A double futon sat in tatters on the floor as if it had been gouged, pillows with their stuffing falling out like entrails, paintings and scrolls that were nothing more than scraps decorated the scene. Monika noticed her guess about perfume bottles hadn't been too far off as she saw shards of glass and tiny puddles in one corner of the room. In the middle of it all, like a sculptor among her art, was Yuri.

Her breathing was labored, her chest heaving for air as bloodshot eyes frantically searched for her next victim. It was like when she had attacked Natsuki, but far worse as Monika noticed. As opposed to when her hair had fallen in strands over her eyes, here it couldn't do that because so many parts of it had been lopped off, leaving her hair jagged and misaligned. The chunks of chopped hair were still in a pile mere feet from the door, and the jeweled knife that had clearly cut them off was still firmly gripped in Yuri's hand.

"LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME!" Yuri roared as she plunged the knife into the shoji screen across from them and slashed from one end to the other. Monika gently pushed Sayori back out of the room; Yuri hadn't even registered their presence yet, and it was then that Monika noticed the startling amount of dark stains saturating her friend's left sleeve. Natsuki noticed the same time she did and to Monika's horror she took a step towards Yuri who was still screaming at the top of her lungs. "I could've been normal, I could've been NORMAL! YOU TRIED SO HARD TO FIX ME BUT YOU JUST BROKE ME! AND NOW YOU'RE GONE!" Yuri punctuated the last four words each with a stab into the screen. She spun and the knife left her hands, soaring like an arrow through the air towards Natsuki whose eyes bulged with terror that rooted her to the spot.

Monika had already been in the midst of pulling Natsuki back, so when she yanked Natsuki out of the way so fast that they toppled over onto one another she was eternally grateful to see the knife whizz past them both and embed itself into the wall behind them. Yuri stumbled and looked shocked, her voice failing to a soft choke as she realized that she was no longer alone. She looked at the knife that she had thrown, the spot where Monika and Natsuki had been standing, and her shaking hands slowly rose to her head as she fell to her knees and her breathing grew more ragged, if possible. She was silent as Monika and Natsuki caught their breath, and when she finally spoke her voice was naught but broken and cracked.

"What are you all doing here?" She muttered. "This… this is none of your business. I could've hurt you, just… just get out." When neither Monika or Natsuki made a move to leave she started picking up the scraps of cloth that she had severed and began flinging them at the girls haphazardly. None of them came anywhere close to their targets. "I said go! Leave, get the hell out of here! You don't know anything about t-this, about me, just go! Go! I don't want your pity or judgements, just please… please…" As she descended into quiet sobs, Natsuki rose from the floor despite Monika's silent protests and carefully made her way over to where Yuri sat huddled and shaking.

Yuri glanced up at Natsuki through her choppy bangs with a scowl, but couldn't seem to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes and turned her attention back down to the floor. Monika was at a loss, completely unsure of what to do. Even the ever overwhelming voices in her head were quiet, for once. When she stood up she was unable to see Natsuki's face, but she had a feeling based off of the way she just stood and stared that her friend didn't quite know what to say either. The silence was overbearing, thick, like mud filling her throat and mouth as she tried to breathe.

Finally, Natsuki broke the silence.

"You… God, you're the quietest person I know. But you're so loud when you hate yourself." She started. Monika expected her to chuckle to try and lighten the mood, but her voice remained somber. "I remember… I remember when you took me home on Halloween, and we talked. You said a lot of things that I got mad at, mostly because they were right, and I didn't want to admit it. You told me that anger was like a- what did you call it, something like a 'secondary emotion'. That I only got mad because I was upset to begin with, or hurt."

She knelt down and sat beside Yuri, keeping a few feet of distance between them. "And when I woke up, after you had seen my…" Monika saw her mouth twitch, as if she was physically struggling to speak. "... my bruises, you told me something similar. You said that my anger is the stupid part of me- er, my words not yours- that thinks I deserve to be happy, that knows I'm being treated wrong. That I deserve kindness, and care, and all that other gooey shit." Her head lowered, and her voice did as well as she took another few moments of silence. Of thinking what to say. Of trying to empathize.

"I don't really know why you feel the way you do, I just, I want you to remember that. Right now. Not for me, but… you know. Just let us help. You're hurt." It seemed her limit for clever words had been reached as she immediately looked uncomfortable, and made to stand back up when a shaking hand slowly rose towards her. She glanced down at it and in surprise; not even Monika could remember the last time Yuri had reached out for interaction as opposed to shying away from it. Natsuki took it, squeezed it gently, and looked back up at Monika with the most uncertain look she had ever seen. She could plainly see Natsuki asking her the question, though her lips did not move. It's going to be okay, right?

Monika smiled back softly, carefully. Part of it was to answer Natsuki's unspoken question, but the other part of it was a thought that clicked in her brain, one she had never considered before. She had spent so long during her time in this world thinking that it was her duty to ensure their safety, their care, and their happiness. It was her mission, as the sole surviving member of the game, to give her friends a second chance. Never before then had she considered that maybe she didn't have to save all of them – perhaps they in turn could save each other from despair. It made her smile, and it filled her with a hope she could not remember feeling until that moment.

At that moment a sound like many keys being shaken in a can reached their ears, and they turned to the doorway to see Sayori bounding up to them with one of her crutches missing and a large first-aid kit in her free hand. Monika suddenly remembered the startling amount of blood in Yuri's sleeve and nodded her appreciation towards Sayori. With Yuri calm enough now, the three of them carefully moved her from the destroyed room of her parents and to the bathroom where they were able to get some light going. When they tried to remove her jacket to see the injuries properly, she recoiled and shook her head, frantic mumblings about "being a freak" and the three of them "hating her". Natsuki wasn't having any of it.

"You've already seen mine." She stated plainly, lifting her uniform to show the yellowish-green spots on her stomach. "We're not going to laugh, or think you're weird, or whatever dumb stuff you got brewing in your head." Yuri sniffled and shook her head again, this time harder as one of her hands clutched at her hair and her fragile voice rang out.

"D-don't look… don't, just don't… I don't want you all to see it. Please, please!" She begged, her body shaking harder and harder as she threatened to dip back into a full-on meltdown again. Monika raised her hands despite the fact that Yuri wasn't looking at her and tried a peaceful middle-ground.

"It's okay, Yuri. We know this is hard for you, we're going to give you some space, but someone has to stay and make sure your arm gets properly cleaned. Okay?" She kept her voice calm and even, not wanting to fuel her friend's emotions any further. Yuri slowly looked up at her and nodded, and Monika gave her the most comforting smile she could manage in return. "Good, who do you want to stay and help?"

Yuri took a few moments to think, gripping her wrist anxiously as if she was deciding the course of her very future. Finally she looked up at Monika and gave a small, almost unnoticeable nod of confirmation, and Monika looked towards the others.

"If you two wouldn't mind going to brew some tea, I'll assist Yuri in cleaning up." She stated. They nodded, Sayori with understanding and Natsuki with hesitance, but they both retreated without a word and left Monika to the awkward and tense silence that followed. She got to work almost immediately, digging through the first-aid kit and pulling out whatever she thought would help with the occasional input from Yuri. When Yuri finally removed her blazer and rolled the sleeve of her shirt up, Monika felt her breath catch in her throat. She had expected blood, and a fair amount of it from being smeared by her clothes, but the sickeningly dry metallic scent that was unleashed in doing so overwhelmed her more than the perfume bottles.

God damn, Yuri. What have you done to yourself? She thought as she tried to keep from gagging, both at the sight and the smell.

"P-please don't call the authorities." Yuri's fragile voice took Monika's focus away from the blood. Monika glanced between the wounds (she had counted ten open cuts just from what was visible) and turned back to Yuri with a serious look.

"On the grounds that we can fix this without emergency services, but this is…" She didn't want to exclaim the amount of blood that was currently dripping all over the stained blazer they were using as a towel, in case she made Yuri feel guilty or upset again. "If your health begins to take a turn, I'll have no choice. I'll do my best to patch you up, however." She had already begun washing the wounds and applying sterile pads to try and assert pressure onto the various cuts, but there were so many cuts that she was finding it difficult to keep her focus on just one. Yuri held her arm up above her head, and Monika gave her a curious look as she worked.

"Raising the limb reduces blood flow to the area, it'll help give my body time for a blood clot to form." Yuri answered to Monika's unspoken question. "I've yet to go into shock, so blood loss hasn't reached extreme measures yet. No sign of blood pumping out in time with my heartbeat indicates I didn't hit any arteries." Monika could tell Yuri was dealing with her breakdown in her own way by reciting her own medical analysis due to the fact that her stutter was almost non-existent. Monika was trying to deal with it in her own way as well, but they were both trying to ignore the blood for very different reasons.

It's just a bit of blood, you big baby, she's alive. She said it herself, she's not going to die. Monika's brain felt like two puzzle pieces that were supposed to go together, but simply could not. She kept telling herself that Yuri was fine, that Yuri was most certainly not dead, but she kept having to force herself to not gag from the stench of the blood that was sticking to her hands. She kept having to ignore the stained school jacket between the two of them, the unfocused look in her friend's eyes as she viciously fought to clean the wounds, and to keep herself from slipping.

She would not have an episode when Yuri needed her most. She would not. She could not.

"I bet we must seem horribly intrusive, breaking into your house, your room." Monika wasn't sure where the strength in her voice was coming from, she certainly didn't feel it. "We were worried, and I can't say without good reason. What Ms. Kusumoto said was truly awful, knowing what we know now, and I'm sorry that you had to keep these secrets. That you've felt so alone through all of this." Yuri sniffled as she listened to Monika, her analytic mutterings having trailed off after the third cut had been bandaged.

"I didn't… I didn't want you all to s-see me like this." She admitted. "I wanted to be strong, l-like you! I wished to be someone that the club could look to for reassurance, to rely on. How s-s… how stupid of me. I'm the one constantly needing to rely on someone else, to be reassured that everything is going to be okay. Ah! C-careful, that one is a little deep." She scoffed and buried her eyes into her hand as she openly wept, and Monika forced herself to continue working. "I… I am weak, and insecure, and a f-f-fucking embarassment! To you, to our f-friends, to my family… were my parents here, they would be disgusted. I cannot tell if I miss them more than I scorn them. Isn't that horrible, Monika? I have c-cried myself to sleep, missing the warmth of my mother's arms, only to wake in the morning and find myself almost thankful for their passing. Only to split apart the flesh that binds me in an attempt to find a middle ground of rationality."

Monika remained quiet for a minute, cleaning cut number six in silence before reaching into her blazer pocket and pulling out her phone. She was terrible at comforting, terrible at understanding, at respecting, at trusting, but she could try to do them all at once. To empathize. She scrolled through her gallery, and clicked on the photo she had seen yesterday. It wasn't a picture she enjoyed looking at, remembering how she had felt when she had taken it made her want to curl up and ignore the world at large, but perhaps she could use the photo to help. Perhaps in her suffering, she could aid someone who needed it.

She held her phone out for Yuri, who glanced at her curiously before slowly taking the phone and reading over the contents. Monika did not watch her eyes glide across the screen, she didn't want to try and guess what part she was at since she knew it by heart:

Today I cut my skin open for the first time. It was exhilarating. I think I understand how Yuri feels now. I'm supposed to be the responsible one, though. So I don't think I'll be doing it again, unless I decide to kill myself.

I left a memento of the occasion below.

"It's not a half-baked attempt at relating that I threw together either, just in case you assume I mocked that up. Check the date." Monika stated flatly. "Click the three dots, and then where it says 'properties'." There were another few moments of silence that seemed to drag on forever to Monika. Cut number eight was taken care of. Finally she heard Yuri take a breath, and she spoke.

"Monika… this- this was taken months ago." Yuri murmured. "I was not… I was not aware you knew for so long. I…" She sighed, suddenly wincing as Monika tightened a bandage. "I was not aware that your self harm extended beyond your scratches. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I'm sorry I knew for so long and didn't try to help until now. Pretty gruesome though, huh?" Monika asked with a hollow chuckle. There was a clanging sound from within the house, followed immediately by what sounded like the squawk of a chicken and Monika could only guess that Sayori was displaying her immaculate coordination again. "I've not told anyone I did that, not even Sayori. I showed you because I want you to know I understand the rush, the way it makes you feel when everything else makes you feel either too much or nothing at all. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, at least not in that regard." It wasn't much, and Monika could hardly call it comforting, but she hoped in some small way it made Yuri less of an outsider, or a stranger among her own friends.

Yuri nodded, taking one last look at the phone before handing it back to Monika. "... Thank you. Um, I'm not sure… t-this might be rude, or invasive, b-but have you done it since then? The uh, the cutting." Monika shook her head at that, but not wanting to keep a gap between them she made a split second decision about something that she had been holding in for a long time.

"No, I skipped it and went straight to the 'kill myself' part." Monika admitted. She was surprised at how even her voice was, that of all the things that made her cower or shake, her own mortality was not one of them. "I was fed up, I was alone, and I had lost pretty much everything in a single day, so I walked down from the school and thought about throwing myself in front of a car. Only problem was there weren't any, and so I decided to jump off of a bridge. Well, Sayori uh… Sayori beat me to it." She let the implications hang out for Yuri to interpret, not that it would be hard since she had seen what happened next. Yuri didn't speak either, and Monika was content to simply treat the wounds in silence, she was finally getting the hang of it enough that she didn't need Yuri's directions anymore and so they sat in contemplative silence. She could feel the panic inside of her slowly disintegrate as she finished her work, and she gave herself a small grin of pride as she patched the final cut.

No flashbacks for you, missy. See? You're tough, you always have been. You just have to keep going, and you can get through anything.

Monika put the last of the utensils into the first-aid kit and turned to return it back where it belonged when Yuri grabbed her by the wrist. She turned back to look at her, but Yuri's eyes bored into the floor. Monika could tell she was trying to gather her thoughts, and so she waited patiently until Yuri eventually spoke in a hushed whisper.

"Thank you, Monika. For…" She mumbled, and she gave Monika's hand a gentle squeeze that Monika gladly returned. She knew there were probably a few things waiting behind that 'for', but she didn't let Yuri sit long enough to gather them all.

"You'd do the same." She said simply, and with that she departed to give Yuri just a bit of space as she left to clean the blood-stained clothing and return the first-aid kit. She passed Natsuki and Sayori bringing tea to Yuri's room, giving the quick explanation that she had patched Yuri up and she seemed to be okay for the most part. Natsuki gave her a distant nod and Sayori gave her a comforting peck on the cheek before they split ways again. Monika found herself grateful that she had been taking Home Economics as a class; she wasn't sure she'd know how to get blood out of clothing otherwise. One bucket of cold water and a cup of hydrogen peroxide later, she had decided to return to see how the others were doing since Yuri's clothes would need to dry.

When she opened the sliding door, she was pleasantly greeted by the warm air and all three of her friends sitting around the kotatsu, their hands wrapped around their still steaming cups of tea. Yuri sat directly across from the door, and looked up at her as she entered with a tired look in her eyes. She motioned for Monika to sit in the remaining space and she did so, taking a mug of tea that Sayori handed to her and bringing the refreshing beverage up to her lips. The silence told her that Yuri had something to say, and so she gave her full attention.

"As I have t-told the others, I um… I would like to come clean now." Yuri began with a deep breath. "I was lying when I said I had nothing of interest to um, to divulge."

"Well duh." Natsuki scoffed. Yuri shot her a look before continuing.

"As loath as I am to admit it, you all know quite a bit more than I would have liked you to ever know. You've s-seen them, my… my cuts. It is not something I am proud of, but it has been a sort of ritual in my life since I was quite young. I am often able to cut the precise amount in the exact location without any risk to my overall health, but ah, I was not quite so careful… this time." She sighed and took a long sip from her mug while the others gave her space to speak. "So, thank you… all of you. I am so, so sorry that you had to see me in such a state, and I hope you never have to again. B-but, I owe you all an explanation, and I am determined to give it."

This time it was Sayori's turn to interrupt. "You don't owe us anything, Yuri. We're your friends, we're here for you because we worry about you and want you to be happy. Not because we want you to tell us secrets you're not comfortable telling." Even Natsuki nodded at that, albeit with a bit of disappointment on her face, but Yuri shook her head.

"No. The time of secrets is over, and I would personally like to get this off of my chest. It would… help, I believe. I know I can be quite long winded in my words, both in writing and speech, but I will keep this as brief as possible since I know Monika has to go to work." She cleared her throat and took a deep breath, and Monika could only imagine the amount of conflicting feelings and thoughts that must've been soaring through her friend's head at that moment. After several more breaths and a glance at each of them, Yuri began.

"I do not think there is any surprise to be found when I say that I am a little… different. Movies, television, almost every form of media displays those who are quiet or possess a unique quality as mysterious, or cute, or something just as socially desirable." Yuri clenched her mug, her next words cold and hard. "It is not. Being singled out is not fun, it is not cute, and as someone who has struggled for years- who still struggles with social anxiety, it makes trying to be a normal child growing up an absolute hell. People do not look and think it endearing, they often think it sneaky, or suspicious. I say this as context for what comes next, as I have been living with social anxiety since I was a little girl.

My family moved from the city of Korsakov when I was about seven years old to here, in the Hokkaido province. There weren't many children in the area I lived in, so growing up I spent much of my time inside, reading. My father had many books that he had gathered during his time as a medic for the coast guard; he told me he would always read horror novels to keep him awake during the night watch. That was how they actually met: my parents." Yuri's face held a soft smile as she stared into the soft swirl of her tea, as happier memories she hadn't thought about began to emerge. "Mother was a veterinarian, sailing the Sea of Japan. Father's ship came across them as they were operating on an injured dolphin who had a harpoon embedded in its side, and when my father shined the searchlight on the deck he was greeted by my mother's face covered in blood."

She failed to stifle a giggle, and some of the other girls flashed weak smiles at what they guessed was one of the few happy parts of the story. "Apologies, erm, that's not relevant. Korsakov was rather drab from what I remember, and when I moved to Japan I was suddenly thrust into a bright world of people whose language I barely understood, forced to try and make friends with children who couldn't understand the odd little foreign girl. It was… easier, I suppose, just staying inside where I did not receive the weird looks, or odd questions I hardly knew how to answer. My brother fared a bit better than I did, he enjoyed sports and did well in track, but I had no such hobby to latch onto. Mother told me I should try to share my love of reading and horror with the students in my class, but children can be… unintentionally cruel.

They… gave me a nickname. I'm sure they didn't mean it as an insult, but they called me the "Ritual Girl" because they said I looked like a ghost that kids would summon from ritual games." Monika could see the flash of pain in her eyes, no matter how hard she tried to look away from them. "Silly, really… I can't entirely blame them. My hair was still black back then since I hadn't dyed it yet, and I would stay up late into the night reading with a flashlight, so I always had these bags beneath my eyes. Needless to say, I was often quite lonely and found friendship in my family and in my own free time, but I did not mind it… until I made my first friend." There was warmth in her eyes suddenly; another happy memory, but it was quickly replaced by something else Monika couldn't quite place. Shame? Embarrassment?

Yuri took a sip of tea to fill the silence, and so Monika decided to interrupt to ask a question that was nagging at the back of her head. "So, wait, you dye your hair?" All three girls turned to her with varying looks and Natsuki snorted into her mug with a smug grin as she glanced at Monika.

"Uh, duh? How many people do you know that have naturally purple hair?" She scoffed. "What, you think I came out of the womb with pretty pink hair and eyes too?" She bent her head down and pressed the tip of her finger against her eye, slowly pulling backwards until she held a colored contact on her finger and looked back up to reveal a single fiery copper eye staring back at Monika. "See? I- oh shit, that's going to take forever to get back in. Dammit."

"I guess I just never really thought about it." Monika admitted, embarrassment flushing her cheeks red while Natsuki silently struggled with her contact beside her. "Sorry about that Yuri, just strange thinking about you without your purple hair since that's all I've ever known you to have." She raised a hand to motion for Yuri to continue, though Yuri seemed more grateful than annoyed at the interruption, and Monika sensed they were reaching the sensitive parts of the story.

"It's quite alright. Um, well… my friend. I was… thirteen, I believe. We didn't talk much, but she was also shunned for being rather timid, and so we were able to bond over a shared struggle. We were young, impressionable, and both secretly desperate for interaction and companionship. I can't remember… remember who kissed who first, or why, if it was emotions or merely curiosity, but… we did." The room was silent, and Monika's heart skipped a beat. Two beats. Three. She saw Natsuki's eyes widen and was surprised when she realized she had unconsciously let her mouth hang open. Sayori seemed just as surprised, but she looked far more crestfallen than the other two. Yuri did not seem to wish to linger on the sentence very long, and continued on before any of them could speak.

"Some other girls found out. They thought it was crazy, I suppose. They cornered us in the bathroom and held us down and brought this one popular guy in, they had him kiss us and tell us how lucky we were. Naturally, my parents found out after that. They were… scared for me, I think. Scared that their daughter would be tempted by the devil into sin and debauchery, or perhaps they feared I would only ostracize myself even more." Her eyes became glazed. Still. "I never did ask which one it was. Perhaps they feared both; they ensured that I certainly did, and so when they told me I was going somewhere that could help me… that could fix me, I was thrilled. I would get to be normal at last."

Monika closed her eyes as she listened, hoping that her intuition was wrong. She hoped that she wasn't nearly as smart as she had pretended to be for years, that she truly was ignorant and that she was simply wrong when her heart knew she was right. The words themselves didn't have to be said, perhaps Yuri felt that speaking them aloud would only validate the pain and the hurt. Would make it all the more real and tangible in their hands.

"If any of you have heard the stories about… about the bad places, then I will confirm them." Yuri breathed. "Electroshock therapy I remember the most clearly, they would attach electrodes to our nethers and have us watch p-pornography, both heterosexual and homosexual. If you were aroused when viewing the homosexual clips, they would… sh-sh… they would shock you. They would force-feed us medication to-"

"Your parents were fucking doctors!" Natsuki suddenly spat, and everyone at the table jumped. She shrank down upon realizing, but her temper did no such thing. "Practitioners of everything involving the body and stuff, how the hell could they think what was being done to you would work? I mean it- it doesn't work, does it?" She glanced around for confirmation from each of them, Yuri shook her head sadly, her voice firm as she spoke.

"It does not."

Natsuki slumped against the base of the divan and crossed her arms. She exhaled her frustration through her nose, and glared into her mug. "You were only thirteen. Fucking bullshit – over a stupid kiss. It doesn't…" She bit her lip and glanced up at Yuri before staring daggers into her tea again. "Who gives a shit who you love, so long as they love you back?"

Yuri nodded sadly. "I was, it was indeed, and you are absolutely right. But I was young, and convinced that my parents knew best. That God knew best." She shook her head, but the faintest glimpse of a smile could be seen on her lips. "But, I wasn't alone. They encouraged us to um, interact with others of the same sex in a 'normal' manner. We swapped partners a lot, but Azumi and I… goodness I haven't said that name for so long, we were often put together. We were supposed to be normalizing interaction, but having someone smile at you and tell you that your hair is pretty while running their hand through it, it ended up having the opposite effect…

God, we were stupid." Yuri sighed. "She's the one that got me into the genre of high fantasy, actually. She loved Tolkien and Miyazaki, Gaiman too. We would stay up late and come up with stories of our own, we made each other smile just to see them do so, and we… God, I'm sorry." Tears had begun to stream down her face, and Sayori was quick to hand her a napkin to wipe them away with. Yuri nodded her thanks and took a deep breath, readying to start again. Monika wanted to tell her that she could stop, but she knew Yuri wouldn't. Any other time, almost certainly, but not here. She had clearly been holding this in for a long time. "They… we almost got caught, and they must've been suspicious because they started taking us off and interrogating us.

They said God himself would cast me into hell, eternally. They said he already knew, and everyone would as well in time, and that my p-parents would disown me, a-and I'd end up out on the streets working as a whore for my sins a-and I would never feel true love…" Her hands left her mug and cupped her mouth as short choked sobs began forcing their way out of her. Natsuki moved to help, but Sayori shook her head and gently motioned for her friend to wait. She had to do this.

"I sold her out!" Yuri cried, an onslaught of tears cascading down her face as her composure broke. "I-I told them she seduced me, th-that I was trying really really hard to cast off the evil in me but she made me, I was scared! I was scared, and didn't want to be a whore, or for my parents to hate me, or for God to hate me, s-so I-I told them and…" The rest was unintelligible, buried beneath a mountain of wailing and tears that utterly refused to stop. Natsuki, who had seemed so confident in comforting Yuri before, now looked uncertain. It was obvious that she did not know what might help and what might make it worse. After all, what could someone do to possibly mend a broken heart? A heart so shattered from guilt and shame that the soul could not keep up, was there really any form of cure?

There was. Monika knew it, and Sayori did too. The fact was that Yuri was doing it, and all they could do was support her the best they could. Sayori poured more tea, Natsuki patted her back, and Monika attempted to reach through the veil of misery to pull their friend back: they did not need a repeat incident

"What happened to Azumi? Did you ever get to see her and apologize?" Monika asked gently. Yuri wiped her nose with a napkin and looked up at Monika, and with a sickening jolt in her stomach she realized the look in Yuri's eyes told her before her lips did. It was a look Monika recognized all too well.

"She's dead." Yuri said simply. Silence again, harder and louder than it ever had the right to be. "Her parents found her in their bathtub, a month after we got out, her wrists…" She made a cutting motion with her hand. "I… know she had other things in her life, concerns and problems. We all did. But I still cannot help but feel I… added to the weight on her shoulders. We made a promise, before I stabbed her in the back. We were going to be 'heroines' when we got out, just like in the books we read together, and because all of the protagonists had lively colors for their hair, we would… we would dye our own…" She sighed and buried her face into her hands, the soft, heartbreaking sound of her grief only briefly muffled.

Monika sighed and sank backwards, covering her eyes with her hand, but not to hide tears. It was exhausting, hearing the raw ugly crying leak out in droves after what was an already emotional day for someone so bogged down with pain already. She could only imagine that fatigue that Yuri felt, having been the center of such lifelong tragedy and suffering. What did it feel like, to lose someone forever and know there was no way of bringing them back? To stare at the sky for hours and beg for some miracle to be performed. She had never had the fortune of having parents to lose to begin with, nor the horror of a friend being taken before ever getting the chance to truly live a life. She prayed she never had to.

Was that how they had felt, when she had taken Sayori away?

"... know it s-sounds melodramatic. Even after what I went through I j-just… I miss them." Yuri was still speaking, her words slurring together through the tears and sniffles and her breathing growing heavy. Monika broke from her stupor and tried to tune back in. "I miss them! I miss my mother, coming into my room at night to h-hold me when I would have a nightmare! I m-miss my father, r-reading to me beside the hearth! I hate that they s-sent me there, j-j-just to make themselves feel better, b-but I miss having someone… someone to tell me it's going to be okay!" Yuri descended into full-blown bawling, her arms wrapped around her shoulders as she unleashed more heart wrenching cries. After a few moments Sayori reached out this time, hesitated for one second, two, and then gently placed her hand on Yuri's shoulder.

"Um, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I think it's okay for you to be mad." She whispered calmly, nearly drowned by Yuri's wailing. "My parents have hurt me too, and it's taken me a while to realize I can be mad at what they did, while still missing the good times we had together." Sayori smiled and took back her hand, allowing Yuri a moment to properly grieve in her confliction and misery. After a few minutes of diminishing cries, Yuri's sobs descended into sniffles, and she blew her nose with another napkin before speaking.

"I'm… I'm s-sorry, everyone. I'm sorry, I just… I'm not… I'm not-" She stood suddenly, nearly bumping the kotatsu as she threw open the sliding door and disappeared around the corner. A moment later, the familiar sound of bile spewing into water reached their ears and they all let out a silent grimace. They waited for her to come back, but after several minutes they each began to grow worried and traveled to the bathroom to find Yuri slumped over beside the sink, her gentle snores the only thing breaking through the silence. Sayori stepped out of the way while Natsuki and Monika maneuvered to carry Yuri back to her bedroom, the former wrinkling their nose in discomfort.

"Ugh, has she been drinking? I'm kinda getting used to the smell of vomit, unfortunately." Natsuki murmured. Monika shook her head, holding up Yuri by her arms as they awkwardly carried her out.

"No, I highly doubt it. Stress can- watch your foot there, stress can upset the body in a lot of ways and unfortunately throwing up is one of them. Trust me, I've had it happen." The two of them set Yuri into her bed, making sure to clean her mouth and keep her covered by her blankets. After a moment of thought however, Monika began shifting around the room and after a moment found the same bottle of wine they had drank from after Sayori's fall settled beneath the divan, but she didn't see any glasses. She made sure the cork was stuffed in tight, and set it out of the way to prevent Yuri from indulging in it just in case. She had enough harmful habits as it was. The three of them stood beside Yuri's bed and simply stared for a moment. She looked so peaceful while asleep, one wouldn't believe she had tipped into a mental breakdown less than an hour beforehand.

Natsuki sighed and pulled the covers up closer, flinching back when Yuri unconsciously shifted towards her. "So, let me see if I got this right." She whispered. "Her parents are dead and she has no idea whether she loves or hates them, her brother is at college and working to keep the lights on and stuff, she likes chicks – or liked, I don't know, man." She began ticking the points off her finger as they retreated out in the hallway so as to not wake Yuri. "She got sent to some reparative religious camp, actually got fucking tortured while she was there because that's legal somehow. Tattled on her first girlfriend, who is also dead now, and… probably cuts her arms open to deal with all of that shit."

Sayori nodded sadly and added, "I think we're the first people she's told about all that. Did you notice how she just started spilling everything out towards the end, like she was worried if she didn't then she wouldn't get the chance to. I know what it's like keeping stuff that serious bottled up, but…" Sayori could only shake her head. The truth was all four of them had gone through significant emotional trauma, but each was so different that trying to relate in a meaningful way was near impossible.

"Jesus, you sure know how to pick your club members, don't you?" Natsuki added with a look towards Monika. Monika gave a sad smile as they reached the doorway, looking back towards the dark and lonely kitchen behind them.

"That's an understatement. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, flaws and all. You know that." She pulled out her phone and flicked the screen on, checking the time. Her first session of the evening was starting soon. She didn't want to leave Yuri when she was so vulnerable and clearly distraught. The last thing she needed, in Monika's opinion, was to be alone. She didn't like the cut to her paycheck she'd take, but she wanted to make sure Yuri was okay. The chance of her causing more harm to herself seemed unlikely, but with such a fragile state of mind she couldn't really be sure. "I should probably call out, I don't like the idea of her being alone…"

"Monika, don't be dumb. Go take care of work, let someone else do the worrying for once." Natsuki said upon seeing Monika's hesitant glances. She shrugged, leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed as she wore a contemplative look. "I mean, I really don't feel like going home anyway. I could stay and keep an eye on her after she wakes up, and might even be able to fix that mess of a haircut she gave herself. I'm pretty used to cutting my own hair, so I know how to do the short style pretty well."

Monika seemed doubtful, but Sayori nodded her agreements at the both of them. "I can stay too, actually. I don't work like Moni does, and I'm just as worried about her after all of that. I can help clean up some of the mess she made, provided my dumb leg doesn't get in the way." Monika could tell they were trying hard to convince her, and she gave a soft smile knowing how much her friends cared for each other so dearly, her included. Sayori didn't seem to think Monika was convinced enough and moved up to give her girlfriend a quick kiss. "You know we're right. Go to work, dummy. You don't have to do everything to make sure we're alright, she's our friend just as much as she is yours. Just, don't work too hard, okay? I'm worried about you too."

Monika nodded, the look on Sayori's face telling her she was dead serious. She didn't think she had a right to complain about stress after what they had experienced with Yuri, but she knew better than to dismiss Sayori's concerns. "I won't, Sunflower. If you guys are sure then I'll head on out. Text me if anything happens or- oh! What about getting home? Do you guys need money for a cab?"

"Get a load of Momika over here." Natsuki snickered with a shake of the head. Sayori looked slightly confused, glancing between the two of them as though she had missed something.

"Why, what'd she say?"

Natsuki gave her an exasperated look that asked, 'are you serious right now?' while Monika took on a look of concern and repeated her question. Sayori thought about it for a moment before waving her purse that held the fifty-thousand yen her father had bequeathed to her, and Monika finally relented. She waved to Natsuki, gave Sayori a final hug, and with a heavy heart closed the sliding door behind her. She let out a small sigh before turning to walk down the sidewalk, past Yuri's car, past the neighborhood, and towards her client's house. Each step felt like lead against the pavement, but she forced herself to keep walking.

Her heart physically ached for Yuri. It ached at the level of grief she simply couldn't relate to. If she still had access to the console, she could have fixed that in a heartbeat. No more pain, no more misery, just being happy like they all deserved. The idea felt wrong however, like forcing someone to smile by pulling their cheeks up; it didn't fix anything really, it just hid the problem. She wanted to help, to take away all of their woe and heartache, but she didn't know if she could on her own.

But you're not on your own, remember? Her thoughts flashed back to Sayori and Natsuki, offering to stay to make sure Yuri was okay. She thought of when Yuri had offered Monika a place to stay after Sayori's fall, of being taken care of when she had been beaten by Natsuki. She thought of Natsuki pulling her off of the bully who had shoved Sayori to keep her from going too far, of the safety she felt when Sayori embraced her after her nightmare.

Monika wasn't alone anymore. Yuri wasn't either when she thought about it. Whether they were willing to admit it or not, they had a family that had been born not by sharing of blood, but of pain. A family that had been found, chosen even. It was her family. It didn't make her any less tired, or take away from the burden of hearing Yuri's plight to them all, but it touched her in a way that allowed her to keep walking despite her weariness. Despite her heartache.

---

The school door slammed shut behind Monika as she leapt down the steps and across the pavement. Her hair blew as November air shot past her and chilled her skin, but she did not slow her pace, her heart was beating as fast as she was running and she had no plans of letting either die down. Thursday afternoon brought with it fog from the morning's rain, but most importantly it brought Sayori's appointment. The appointment that Monika had promised to be at that she was now forced to be late to, all because of her own lack of control. She had purposefully taken the day off of work to make sure she saw Sayori, but now she silently wondered if there had been a point.

Detention with Ms. Fujita proved to be better than she had initially anticipated. Rather than spend an hour sitting and staring at her desk, Ms. Fujita had helped her shop around for potential apartments on her laptop, as she had told Monika, "If we're both going to sit here and do nothing, we may as well be productive about it." After asking about her plan Ms. Fujita had quickly dashed her hopes of living in the city however, pointing out several hidden fees and required services such as building-management associations and various extra insurances that put the real price of rent far beyond what Monika could pay. Instead she pointed Monika towards several spaces for rent that were a fair distance from the city itself, but offered a more manageable cost for someone in Monika's position.

They were small, a bit dingy, but they were affordable. The real problem, Monika realized, would still be getting someone to act as a guarantor. She simply didn't know anyone who would be willing to make that kind of legally binding contract for her sake, and that was ignoring the fact she'd have to go through an organization to be the backup-guarantor regardless. It was at this point that she, again, silently asked why she couldn't have woken up in this world with the smallest form of a lifeline? As per usual, her questions went unanswered.

After a good ten minutes of walking she finally managed to hail a cab, as she quickly realized running to the hospital wasn't exactly time efficient. Normally she would've asked Yuri to take her, but Yuri had taken the rest of the week off from school given the events from Tuesday, sending a text to their group chat that she simply needed time to recuperate and thanking them again for their assistance, followed, of course, by an apology. Natsuki had told Monika that she was stopping by after school again to drop off Yuri's school work so that she didn't fall behind, at Yuri's request, something that Monika found interesting to say the least. She wasn't sure if it was her place to say anything, or if there was anything to say at all, but the way that she noticed Yuri spending more time with Natsuki was especially endearing to her, considering her unorthodox confession in regards to her feelings towards other girls.

Not that it meant anything, of course. Just because she had a history of favoring girls didn't mean she was attracted to just any girl after all.

As she approached the hospital her thoughts faded from wondering about Yuri to being concerned for Sayori. The closer winter approached, the more light seemed to leave Sayori's ever glowing form. She still would bring a smile out, like whenever she saw something cute or heard a funny joke, or if Monika rubbed her hand to ask for a kiss she would always make sure a grin was on her face as she did so. But it was less genuine, and seemed to only last long to keep the impression she was okay. Monika knew by now she was not. She would always ask if Sayori was alright, and Sayori would always respond in positive, and Monika knew it was a response Sayori had conditioned herself to give. It was the kind of response that said, "I'm not doing good, but I'm doing okay enough to keep going." And sometimes, Monika supposed she would have to be satisfied with that.

The moment the taxi stopped, Monika quickly dished out some extra yen as a tip before giving a hurried thanks and jumping out the door. She managed to keep a calm but focused exterior as she entered, careful not to bump or cut past other visitors as she approached the front desk. The receptionist looked up and gave Monika a brief smile before turning towards her in her swivel chair.

"Hello dear, what can I do for you? Checking in?" She asked.

"Oh, no. My… friend, checked in for an appointment. Moriyama, Sayori?" Monika wasn't sure why, but she felt suddenly embarrassed to call Sayori her girlfriend. "She probably came in a little over an hour ago?" The receptionist typed at her keyboard for a few seconds before giving a confirming nod.

"She sure did. A check-up with Doctor Sano for a TBI, scheduled for three-thirty." She peered at her computer a little closer, lowering her glasses slightly. "Would you be Monika?" Monika quickly nodded. "Ah, gotcha. Ms. Moriyama clarified you were family and would be dropping by. Looking at the sheet here, it seems they wanted to take a closer look at any lasting damage regarding her last visit and have her set for a CAT scan. They're probably just about done, so if you'd like to wait right over there she should be out soon." Monika nodded her thanks and took her seat in an isolated group of chairs, her uwabaki slippers anxiously tapping against the tiled floor.

She knew that Sayori would likely have to take some kind of advanced inspection since the problem seemed to lie inside of her head, but hearing that she had to take a CAT scan only seemed to push the idea further that there was something wrong with her. She felt terrible for missing her girlfriend's appointment, even though she knew she probably wouldn't have been able to go into the CAT scan with her, she still should've been there to support her so that Sayori knew she was close by.

Perhaps that was why she felt out of sorts calling Sayori her girlfriend out loud. It wasn't that she was ashamed of Sayori, she didn't think she could ever be anything but proud of who she was with, but more that she was ashamed of herself. Every instance in her life where she had tried to use revenge, or retribution of any kind, it was swiftly met with misfortune on her end. Trying to replace her club members? The festival ended up backfiring horribly. Trying to defend Natsuki from the debate club members? She had been beaten to the point of near collapse. Defending her girlfriend from a bully? Well, the cons of that stunt were still being discovered. It left her feeling a little unsure of herself and her approach towards everything. Perhaps the literature club didn't need a wolf anymore.

Perhaps it never did.

Her train of thought only descended deeper and deeper until the familiar sound of rubber stops against the floor snapped her to attention. She looked up and saw Sayori approaching with her crutches, and for as beautiful as she looked the sight of a woman in a white coat behind her did not sit quite right with her. Monika stood immediately and greeted her girlfriend, taking her wrist and giving a gentle squeeze, but Sayori could only stare at her with a plastic smile. Something was wrong.

"You must be Monika." The woman behind Sayori said before giving a small bow. She had short hair that was light and combed over, with sharp features but a gentle smile. "I'm Doctor Sano, and Sayori asked if I could help explain what exactly we found during her check-up. It'll only take a moment, if that's alright." Monika glanced nervously at Sayori, but Sayori seemed determined not to look in her eyes. When she turned back to Dr. Sano, she gave a hesitant nod. "Excellent, alright, so we did a few tests on her cognitive functions and reactions and initially everything checked out as normal. However, I wanted to be safe and decided to have her take a CAT scan where we were able to take a proper look at her brain, and an MRI after that."

"During the scan we found that since her initial accident, her hippocampus seems to have been jostled during her fall. During the original assessment we deduced that it had been a contusion and were able to deal with the internal bleeding and swelling. However every traumatic brain injury is different and sometimes the side effects aren't felt or visible until later." She gently motioned towards Sayori. "In this case, memory loss is one of those side effects. As of now, Sayori seems to be suffering from what's known as 'Post-traumatic amnesia'."

Monika could feel her heart stop and mouth seemed to simply gape open as she took a horrified look towards Sayori. Dr. Sano seemed to notice Monika's concern and quickly raised her hands up. "Ah, it's not quite what you think! Television and movies will have you believe that people with amnesia lose their identities and memories of everyone around them, but that's a very rare and very unlikely scenario. No, post-traumatic amnesia can be one of two different forms of amnesia, or both. Retrograde and anterograde, which you can think of as losing memories from before the incident and being unable to retain memories after the incident respectively."

Monika swallowed; this was a lot of information all at once and she wasn't sure how to process all of it. She wasn't surprised Sayori was utterly despondent. "B-but, she's still taking in information and remembering it. It's not like she forgets whole days or anything like that, just small things." Monika said hastily. The idea of Sayori never being able to remember anything after the fall made her tremble, and she refused to believe it. Doctor Sano nodded at that, much to Monika's relief.

"Correct, she is indeed still taking in new memories and retaining them. Anterograde amnesia remains a bit of a mystery due to the fact that the precise mechanism of storing memories is not yet well understood, but the fact that she's able to form new memories is a very good sign." Doctor Sano assured them. "We noticed she had trouble recalling certain events prior to the incident, but nothing exceeding the course of a year or so. Forgetting small things like what she ate for lunch, or where she left her keys for example, these seem to be the general limit of her memory loss for the time being."

For the time being. "Are you saying it'll get worse?" Monika asked sharply. She didn't like the look that Dr. Sano was giving her: pity mixed with helplessness that made Monika want to scream. She would not, could not, accept this reality. "How can we help? There has to be something we can do, something to help her, right? Modern medicine and technology have made incredible advancements in the past decade alone, I-I mean there was the cure for Hepatitis C, cancer therapies, even gene therapy! Are you telling me we can't fix amnesia?" Her heartbeat was pumping like a generator, her breath ragged as she tried to process a possibility that would fix Sayori. Was it really this hopeless?

She felt something warm slip into her hand, and she looked down to see Sayori's fingers locked with hers. She was still staring into the floor, but the action alone seemed to soothe Monika's heart. It always did. Her breath mellowed out, and she forced her thoughts to stop running laps around her own head as Dr. Sano took her silence as an opportunity to speak.

"I understand your concern. Amnesia can be a very confusing and scary ailment, and since Sayori is suffering from possibly two different forms of it, your fears are not unwarranted." Doctor Sano's voice was calm, but firm in its tone. "There is no surgery that can simply go inside her head and fix everything, but there are ways to help keep her memory sharp that the both of you can utilize. Association, you know, connecting things together. Remembering a word by linking it to a rhyme or a mnemonic phrase, that kind of stuff is a natural way for the brain to connect subjects."

Monika knew about mnemonic phrases well enough, she could still remember repeating 'Every Good Boy Does Fine' to get the hang of the treble clef notes on piano. She wanted as many ways to help Sayori as possible however. She wanted to stop hurting and start healing. "Oh, okay. Are there any others? What about like, repetition exercises?" She asked.

"Listening to music can help, as can writing things down that you might forget easily. Repeating certain things does help, but it's best to space repetition out more, so if you wanted to make flashcards for Sayori and have her try and memorize things from them, it'd be best to wait twenty or thirty minutes after she memorizes it before trying again." Doctor Sano explained, gently slapping the inside of her hand with the back of her fingers. "Then after that, forty minutes, then sixty. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Proper rest and exercise can be critical to recovering, so make sure she's taking good care of her body and mind, okay?"

Monika sighed and nodded, giving her girlfriend's hand a gentle squeeze. Dr. Sano told them a bit more about steps they might take towards improvement such as an occupational therapist, but at the end of the day the answer was the same. There was no prescription, no surgery, no cure. It was something that they would have to live with and hope it would get better with time. It was something Sayori would have to live with. When they left the hospital and stepped out into November's crisp air as it faded into December's chill, Monika felt compelled to speak. To comfort.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I wish there was something we could do, I hate feeling useless knowing you have to experience this, and I'm sure what you're feeling is ten times worse. Did you maybe want to-"

"I want to go see my dad." Sayori said firmly, her eyes staring straight ahead.. It caught Monika off guard, both in her tone and the request itself.

"Say, are you sure?" But the answer was written all over Sayori's face. It wasn't just determination that Monika saw, she could see the anger that flushed her cheeks, the fear that kept her hands constantly shaking, the melancholy behind her eyes that tried to drag her down so deeply. She could tell her girlfriend was emotional, and had every right to be, but she didn't want her to regret whatever it was she was trying to do. "Maybe we should just go home, love. Doctor Sano seemed confident that it shouldn't affect you too badly for now, so why don't we just-" But what she didn't want was never said, as Sayori suddenly spun on her crutches to face her, the heat in her cheeks now spreading to the rest of her face.

"Doctor Sano isn't the one experiencing it, Monika!" Sayori yelled. "Neither are you! You have no idea what it's like for things to just randomly happen, to suddenly be in a conversation I don't remember starting! Or-or to forget I've already gone to a class only to have a bunch of people look at me funny and laugh when I open the door!" Monika took a step back but Sayori did not relent. "I'm falling behind in school, I'm doing my best but my best isn't good enough, it never was! My best got me a brain injury, it got me living in a shelter, it got me divorced parents! I keep ruining everything, and I'm really really tired of it!"

"Say-"

"I forgot why I walked into the freaking hospital, Monika. The lady asked me 'What are you checking in for?' and it took me a solid minute to remember I was having memory issues! That's what crazy sounds like! That's why I wanted you there, with me, like you promised but you… but you…" Sayori suddenly stopped and ran a hand through her hair, clenching her fringe tightly. Monika wasn't entirely sure what to do; did she try to calm Sayori and apologize, or did she give her space? It wasn't like Sayori to lash out, and so when she did Monika knew that the barrel she stuffed all of her problems and negative emotions into was capsizing.

She silently slid over a step and wrapped her arms around Sayori, pulling her in enough to embrace her without unbalancing her. Some people needed their space, and Monika respected that, but she also knew that Sayori found pleasure in the physical. The simple embrace from another human being was terrifying and enthralling to them both, and if Sayori needed her to back away, she would. But she didn't. Instead she felt Sayori wrap a shaking arm around her hip, her frantic whispers just audible above the wind.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so so sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean that, it's not your fault, I'm sorry Moni, I'm sorry…" She breathed. Monika smiled and brushed her hand through her girlfriend's hair, unclenching Sayori's hand in the process and kissing the spot where she had been gripping. "I'm not… I'm not mad at you. I know you were just being protective, and you didn't ask to get detention… they said I might get irritable from the amnesia, but I don't want to be mean. I want to be nice, and a good girlfriend to you. I uh, I did miss you though."

"You're under a lot of stress, silly." Monika reassured, rubbing her girlfriend's back as she called up the taxi service. "You're not just a good girlfriend, you're the best damn one ever, and I missed you too. I kept thinking about you the whole time I was in detention, and Ms. Fujita helped me look around for some places I might be able to afford. If I keep my hours up, I might be able to get us somewhere by Christmas!" She grinned down at Sayori, but Sayori didn't look as happy as she had expected at the prospect. In fact, it only seemed to make her deflate more.

"I don't like that you have to work so much for me…" She mumbled. Monika continued to hold her close, unburdened by Sayori's fears. Sure it was work, and it wasn't the most exciting thing in the world, but it was a living for now and she would have gladly given every hour of free time she had if it meant keeping them afloat, though she knew Sayori wouldn't like that answer.

"I would have to do it whether I was with you or not, so don't blame yourself for it, okay?" Was all she said. The cab arrived not long after, with Monika helping Sayori into the backseat before taking her place beside her. She looked over and nodded at Sayori, motioning towards the driver who looked at them expectantly. "Alright, what's the address, Say?" Sayori looked at her quizzically.

"For the shelter?"

"No silly, for your dad." Monika smirked as Sayori gaped, stars in her eyes as she retook the determined look Monika had seen her with earlier and told the cab driver their location. She was still worried, but if it was important to Sayori then it was important to her too. They stayed quiet for a time, simply watching the trees and building whiz by them. It was nice to walk and experience the feeling of fresh air, Monika thought, but she couldn't deny the comfort of comfy seats and heated air that made her want to sit back and take a nap. She was sure Sayori appreciated it too, allowing her bad leg to rest. A yawn escaped Monika's mouth despite her attempts to stifle it; she was pretty tired after all.

Sayori's hand slid into hers again, though when she glanced up she found Sayori still looking out the window. After a moment of content hand holding, Sayori spoke.

"I'm scared, Monika." She said simply. "I'm scared for Yuri, and for Natsuki. I'm scared for my parents, and for you, but I'm… also scared for myself, for once." Monika sensed Sayori wasn't quite done yet, and gave her the silence to gather her thoughts. "I think the thing that scares me the most about this stuff with my head, is that my memories are all I have. When things get bad, or when the rain clouds appear, memories are all I have to keep me up. Memories of being a little kid, memories of going to the mall and smiling with the others, memories of the club, and especially memories of you." Sayori gave her hand a small squeeze, finally turning to look at her, and Monika felt her heart jump.

"I don't want to ever forget you."

It wasn't as if something had happened, or that anything was different, but the way that she looked at Monika made her heart skyrocket and want to perform aerial dives. It wasn't a complex look that hid layer upon layer of unsurfaced emotion, in fact it was here that Monika felt she was seeing one of the few instances where Sayori wasn't hiding behind a mask of any kind. She looked sad, and anxious, but when she looked at Monika there was love behind her eyes. Love on her lips, on the gentle squeeze of her palm, on the way she brushed a strand of hair from her eyes so they didn't break contact with Monika's. Love in the reflection of her pupils where Monika saw her own love. The kind of love that did not waver or hesitate, even when they were upset. The kind of love that sprouted when they were at the lowest. This was no school crush turned relationship.

Sayori noticed her staring and shrank down slightly, her fingers pressing together. "D-did I say something dumb? I'm sorry, eheh." Monika shook her head, both to answer Sayori's question and shake herself out of her stupor. She pulled out her phone and watched as she spelled out the words 'I' and 'Love', but she stopped short of typing Sayori's name. She wanted to say it, she felt it in her heart and mind and knew it to be true, but something about saying it over text didn't seem right, nor did this feel like the place. Pocketing her phone, she turned and instead gave Sayori a warm smile that helped take the heat from her cheeks a bit.

"I am too." She admitted, rubbing her thumb over Sayori's fingers. She was trying to control her own breathing. "I'm constantly worrying about everything and everyone because I want to make sure we're all okay." Was her heart really beating this loud? Did Sayori hear it? "I'm always scared, even if I don't look it. But you all are what pushes me forward, you know? Stepping into the dark, for me, is only possible because I know you'll be waiting for me on the other side. I can't do much, for Yuri, for Nat, for you. But, if I can make sure that you have a hand to hold, that's all I need. And… so long as I'm holding your hand, maybe you'll always remember me."

Sayori smiled, one of her rare and highly sought after genuine smiles, and the two squeezed hands again. They couldn't say much more, both because they didn't want to arouse suspicion from the driver and because according to Sayori they were getting close. And so for the rest of the trip they held hands in silence. Caring, musing, thinking. Together.

When the cab pulled up to their destination however, Monika was surprised to find that they weren't in the familiar neighborhood where Sayori had used to live. She had been so focused on Sayori that she hadn't even realized they had entered the suburbs of the city. Cars rolled by behind them while people began to head home for the evening as twilight began to give off its last pink shades before dusk. Monika helped Sayori with her crutches and in getting out as they thanked their driver and stood upon the sidewalk for a moment; the hustle and bustle of the city even in its later hours was a strange ambience for Monika, who rarely got to see the city in its nightly attire.

Sayori looked at the row of apartments before them, all squished together so that there was barely three feet between the wall of one house and another. She frowned, looked at her phone, and then motioned for Monika to follow her. They stepped onto an alley street where more houses sat on either side of them, the noise of the city muffling as they ventured further into a row of apartments on either side. Metal gates and a lack of people outside here gave Monika a feeling that she was somewhere she shouldn't have been. Not out of fear or anticipation, but more in a sense that she had simply gotten lost and ended up somewhere else.

Sayori approached one gate in-particular and after double checking on her phone, slipped inside with some help from Monika and approached the front door. As she gave the door a few knocks with her knuckle, Monika couldn't help but glance over curiously at her.

"So, I take it your parents decided on a change of scenery?" She asked airily.

"My dad did." Sayori said. Monika could tell she was nervous by the way she forced her fingers together through her crutches, and rubbed her back in a soothing manner.

"It's not too late to change your mind if you think this is too much." Monika assured. "Not that I'm trying to convince you to back out, I just don't want you to get overwhelmed."

"Nah, I've already knocked." Sayori said with a weak smile. "Besides, this is important. I don't want to sit around and be a spectator anymore." At that moment there was a great rustling from behind the door and Hisoka Moriyama was suddenly before them, blinking with wide eyes at the both of them as he stood in shock for a moment. He wasn't wearing the bright business vest Monika had seen him with at the city hall, instead sporting a cherry red sweater along with jeans and a pair of thick woolen socks. His hair was a little messy and his glasses sat askew on the bridge of his nose, but he quickly fixed them as she stared down at the two of them as if he hardly dared to believe what he was seeing.

"Sayori?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. He glanced around as if he expected someone to be hiding in his shrubbery before turning back and looking rather conflicted. "I… this isn't how- rather, I… um…" But Sayori took a step forward and met her father's eyes. Monika didn't miss the sad smile that had replaced her determined stare.

"Hi dad." She croaked. There was an uneasy silence across the lawn; the two stared at each other at length, neither one seeming to know how to move forward. Finally, Sayori's father raised his hands ever so subtly, as if he himself wasn't sure if he had the right to do so, and with a barely stifled sniffle Sayori leapt forward from her crutches into the arms of her father. Hisoka clasped his daughter tightly, his eyes clenched shut as he lowered his head against Sayori's shoulder and Sayori into his. He seemed to be trying to hold it together, mumbling things like "there there" and "it's okay", but his lower lip quivered fiercely and soon he had to remove his glasses to wipe away the tears that had begun to trickle down.

"My girl…" He breathed. "My little bundle of sunshine, God how I've missed you." The way he rubbed her back and rocked gently reminded Monika a lot of how Sayori held her, and she couldn't help but smile as she saw just how much her girlfriend had inherited from her father. She let them have their moment, becoming suddenly invested in a group of winter peonies that were blooming in the garden.

Once they were ready, she turned back and helped Sayori stand back up with her crutches, while Mr. Moriyama wiped his glasses on the hem of his sweater and gave a small cough before looking back inside his dwelling and stepping aside to make room.

"Please, please, come in. The weather isn't supposed to get any warmer and I don't think either of you want to catch a cold." He ushered them inside with Monika right behind Sayori as they stepped into the warmth of Mr. Moriyama's apartment. He quickly shut the door and flipped on a light switch, revealing a simplistic, sparsely decorated living room that was composed of dark browns and whites. There was a white sectional couch that looked as though it had recently been occupied, and a television was on with the local news reporter droning on about something Monika didn't care to pay attention to. Mr. Moriyama stepped into the kitchen, a smaller area with a counter acting as a barrier between it and the living room, a refrigerator, a coffee pot, and microwave. A tiny space heater hummed from in front of the couch, rotating quietly as it blew heat into the tiny abode.

Mr. Moriyama clearly hadn't been expecting company; Monika caught him second guessing himself as he stepped to move towards the television, only to backtrack towards the kitchen as he began shifting through the cabinets and clearing any excess clutter from the counter.

"I apologize for the mess. Oh, and it's very nice to see you again, Miss Monika. How's that tutoring job? Um, could I get you girls something to drink? Tea, hot-chocolate?" He peeked from around the cabinet he was digging through with an apprehensive look towards his daughter. "Do you still like hot-chocolate, Sayori?"

"Geez, I've only been gone for a couple months, dad. Of course I still love hot-chocolate." She said with a small giggle. He nodded profusely and turned to Monika, who had taken a seat at a stool behind the counter.

"And for you, Miss Monika?"

"Coffee, if you have a pot brewed."

"Of course, of course. Sugar, cinnamon, creamer?"

"Cinnamon coffee sounds wonderful, thank you."

The room became awkwardly quiet as Mr. Moriyama set up the kettle and brewed up a pot of coffee. Monika soon felt very awkward, as though she was intruding somewhere she ought not poke her nose, but all it took was a glance over at Sayori who gave her a reaffirming smile to nullify those feelings. Sayori seemed to grow tired of the awkward tension in the air herself, and looked around the room curiously.

"So, did you buy this place?" She asked. Mr. Moriyama glanced back at them and shook his head, a small chuckle escaping his lips.

"Nope. Your uncle Eiji is letting me stay here while he's on vacation in Seoul. I'll probably end up staying here though since he only uses this as a home away from home when his house is being refurbished." He picked up three mugs, setting them along the countertop as he sat across from his guests with an uncomfortable expression on his face. "Your mother, uh… well, being in the house together wasn't working anymore. I take it you knew, given you're here- ah, I see. That's why you texted asking about mailing me something?" There was a knowing glint in his eyes and Monika glanced at Sayori curiously, but she nodded in confirmation.

"Ms. Kusumoto mentioned helping mom with 'domestic issues', and since Monika had told me about the divorce… I put two and two together." Sayori said solemnly. "I knew you wouldn't tell me if I asked to visit you outright, so… here I am." Mr. Moriyama's eyes darkened, and he nodded before taking a sip of his hot-chocolate. Monika sipped her coffee, but the feeling of being out of place was returning all the same. The silence didn't help matters.

Monika noticed the uncomfortable feeling wasn't solely felt by her and made to stand. "I can tell you two would probably like some time to yourselves. I can wait outside, go for a small walk while you talk in private." Sayori immediately took a hold of her wrist and gently kept her seated.

"No, I want you here."

And that was all that was said on the matter.

After another drawn out silence, Mr. Moriyama finally spoke. "Yoshiko never did like me, stubborn woman. I hope she hasn't been giving you grief in the classroom?" Monika and Sayori swapped glances, but said nothing. "This wasn't how I wanted us to meet after everything, you know. I wanted to prove I could be a good father, one who understood and tried instead of panicking and jumping to conclusions. I… I abandoned you, I know it. I am not proud of it, but…" His voice had begun brittle and he shook his head, rubbing his forehead. "When Monika and I spoke over breakfast, and all of my fears were confirmed: that you were uncertain, scared, and felt alone, I knew I had made a mistake. But even then, I did not think that home could be just that, a home. Not anymore."

He motioned to Monika, a small smile on his face as he did so. "I knew you were at least in caring and protective company, with someone who was looking out for you and making sure you were fed and loved. All the things I could not." Monika, unsure of how to respond, simply took another sip of her coffee. Sayori drank her hot-chocolate quietly, swinging her good leg as she stared into her mug. Monika wondered what exactly was going on behind the beautiful blue eyes of hers; for someone who seemed to wear her heart on her sleeve, she was still a master at keeping her feelings hidden when she truly had the willpower to.

"I wasn't alone, but I still felt alone." She finally said. "I missed you, you and mom both. I didn't know how you guys felt about me, if you still loved me or… or just wanted to control me, it was all very scary and confusing. And you could have fixed that, but you didn't. And now… now my memory is getting worse because of my fall, and the doctor told me I have some kind of amnesia that may get better or worse." Having been on the receiving end of hurting Sayori, Monika knew that hearing one's wrongdoings from her wasn't for the faint of heart. Mr. Moriyama looked ashamed, and while a part of her felt it was rightly so, she couldn't help but feel a little bad for him.

He looked both surprised and horrified at her condition, and to her accusations all he managed was a hoarse, "I know." Sayori glanced up from her hot-chocolate, wearing that familiar look of determination so well that Monika knew she had something up her sleeve.

"It's not too late to, though." She said as Mr. Moriyama looked up at her. "I'm not saying everything is going to be normal or okay, especially with you and mom getting a divorce, but…" She cast a sideways look towards Monika. "We need a place to stay. I don't want to keep living in the shelter, I don't want to have to watch Monika keep struggling just to buy the two of us food, or burden a friend's house on the weekends when we can't go to school to stay warm." She suddenly took Monika's hand and held it in plain sight of her father, gripping it firmly and holding a frown that left no room for argument. "But I won't do it without Monika. If you can't take in both of us, then we'll just find somewhere else."

Mr. Moriyama gave a small chuckle and shook his head, raising a hand. "Ah, I see this is no one-sided relationship. If you're asking – or rather, demanding my approval, you already have it. Monika here has a good head on her shoulders and I would trust my daughter with nobody else, regardless of what I worried or feared in the past." His humored demeanor changed however, and his tone became much more somber. "I would have no qualms with letting you both live here, it is the absolute least I could do. However, as things are, I cannot have you living with me, Sayori." Sayori's mouth opened in disappointed protest, but Mr. Moriyama beat her to the punch. "With your mother and I being in the midst of a divorce, the subject of your place in the matter has come up. We both plan to fight for your custody, and while I hate to admit my inability yet again, I don't think I will be able to win."

Sayori looked crushed, but Monika understood her father's reasoning. If the courts decided that Sayori's mother was to have custody, housing her would simply be out of the question. Monika sighed when she realized that this was what Sayori had been so determined about: trying to land them someplace to live, likely in part so she wouldn't have to work so many hours. Her heart swelled with affection for her girlfriend, and she tried to think of some way to remedy the problem without it becoming a problem for her father, and the gears in her head started turning.

Come on, class-representative! Use that big brain of yours to figure out something that doesn't involve sneaking around or playing puppet-master.

"You know, I've been doing some calculations the past few weeks." Monika began, the idea still formulating in her head as she spoke. "I make enough from my tutoring to afford the rent for small apartments outside of the city, and if Sayori got even a part-time job at a convenience store that would do wonders. The problem is the up-front costs, like the security deposit and realtors fees, not to mention a guarantor service. With all of these, it wouldn't be until after Christmas before I could afford us a place." She saw Mr. Moriyama's uncertainty and pushed onward. "You wouldn't have to be on the lease at all except as a guarantor, so if Sayori does get claimed by her mother then you wouldn't have to worry about any legal issues."

Sayori and her father both swapped glances. Sayori's held baited hope. Her father's: calculative uncertainty. He glanced between the two of them, at Sayori's bouncing anticipation, at Monika's tense doubt, and seemed to think on it for a long while. It felt like years to Monika, and she silently wondered if the coffee was increasing her sense of suspense. Finally, Mr. Moriyama sighed and crossed his hands as he glanced again at both girls.

"How much do you need?"