"...not to be a bother, but I'd appreciate it if you weren't shoving paper into my face while I'm trying to cook."

Asuka quickly retracted her hand, which held in it a folded piece of paper with the remnants of a heart sticker on either end. I couldn't place the expression on her face exactly, but she didn't seem excited for whatever it was.

"This! I still can't see why Hikari thought THIS was a big deal." She grumbled whilst rereading the contents of the letter again. "It's not even quality paper, and it was typed on a computer! This guy couldn't be bothered to handwrite it? Talk about having no tact at all."

I turned down the stovetop so the rice I was frying wouldn't burn and began wiping my hands. "So… what is it exactly?"

She flicked the note in front of my face again, still not giving me time to actually read it.

"It's a stupid love letter! Hand-delivered from some guy Hikari knows." She scanned it once more, her face still giving off a hard to read expression. "Usually guys shove them into the slits in my locker, but this guy was bolder than most. Not bold enough to give it to me himself, but I'll begrudgingly respect the effort."

"Aw, well isn't that sweet." I started, but she shot me a quick glare. "Er… I mean, it is, isn't it?"

Asuka's face screwed itself up like she just tasted something sour. "Lieutenant, come on! This isn't sweet; this is pitiful! He thinks he can just vomit a bunch of pretty words onto any old paper and I'll fall head over heels?" Again, she read it over. Even with her vocal admonishments, she stayed glued to the letter itself. Maybe she wasn't quite as against the idea as she was making herself out to be.

…wait, hold on, back up. Is this not the first one she's received? Usually they're shoved into the slits in her locker? Just how many has she gotten?

I chuckled, trying to give as harmless an air as possible. "Wow, who'da thunk it. Asuka, a star athlete and super popular to boot! What a combo."

She groaned at my joke and made her way into the den, flopping down on the couch. "These aren't the kinds of people I care about impressing. I wish they'd just give it a rest. Can't they see I'm not interested?" The love letter was tossed haphazardly across the table next to the couch. "It's just a hassle, but…"

"...but?"

"BUT, Hikari went and told this dumb guy she'd do her best! No respect for my position at all! I get that she's the type who cries all over those dumb romance movies, but this is nuts!" Her face was turning a bit red. Whether from anger or embarrassment was anyone's guess.

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? So, you think she's setting you two up as a favor?"

Asuka sat straight up. "Exactly! She pretty much just promised me away! Ugh, as if anyone would consider this a favor." She fell back onto the couch again. "...but if I turn him down, it'll look bad on her! I mean, it's not like I MIND getting some dummy to pay for my food, or a trip to the amusement park, but… but… ugh, das mag ich nicht." She buried her face into a throw pillow and groaned once again, clearly battling with her thoughts.

I scratched my chin. I honestly had no bloody clue how to deal with a situation like this. Give me anything else; watching her fight with Shinji, cooling down after training, getting into arguments with her myself… no problem, but this? Suddenly I felt quite out of my depth.

"W-Well… I, uh… you could always-"

She started speaking again, cutting off whatever dumb thing I was about to say. "...like, you should've seen her! She was practically tripping over herself in excitement, on MY behalf no less! Oh Asuka, he saw you win gold at the meet and ran to do up a letter for you that instant! He's quite handsome too! Then dammit, you date him!" Jumping back up to her feet, her eyes locked on to me.

"...Uh… huh."

"What do you think I should do, Lieutenant?"

WHAT!? Oh come on, you're gonna put me on the spot like that? I thought hard for a second. It's clear she has no interest, but… well, what harm would it really be to go out once with the guy? There's a fair reason to say no, of course, as in saying yes, it may open the floodgates for more of these guys to bombard her with written letters hand-delivered in hopes of getting what this guy got. On the other hand, who knows, this guy could be a real catch! There's a chance this could be in her best interest to give it a shot, no? Nothing ventured, and all that.

Clearing my throat, I calmly gave my answer.

"I understand your reservations, but if you're looking for my opinion, I'd say… go for it. Who knows what might happen? You might have fun!"

For a flash, I saw a look of hurt cross her eyes, like I had wronged her in some way. I really wasn't expecting that to be her first reaction. However, it was followed quickly by the anger I had prepared myself for.

"Mein gott, I don't even know why I asked you! Don't you even care about MY feelings!?"

"Asu-"

Before I had a chance to respond, she stomped across the den and down the hall, leaving me to deal with the atmosphere on my own. A tad of an overreaction, though I should know by now that's how most of her reactions end up being. She feels her emotions more hotly than the average person, for better or for worse.

It also didn't make this any less tough to parse than usual either.

I sighed loudly as I walked back into the kitchen. Every step forward with her invites the chance for me to fall backwards down the steps a half mile, and I certainly felt like I had nailed that outcome here.

She didn't speak to me during supper, and since she went to her room right after as well, I decided to head to bed a bit early myself. Tomorrow was a Sunday, so Asuka had the day off from school, and there was no training or testing scheduled for that day either.

As perfect for a date as could be, if she chose to take it.

Sure enough, the next afternoon, she walked into the kitchen wearing some pretty fashionable looking, but simple, clothing. A light blue halter top and dark jeans, with a small purse strung around her shoulder. I felt like most teenage girls would be ecstatic to get asked out on a date the way she did, if Hikari's second-hand reaction was anything to judge by, but the way Asuka looked at me as she passed made me feel like I was sending her off to war. She realized she didn't have to go, right? Oh, who am I kidding, after hearing my two cents, her pride probably wouldn't let her back down now even if she wanted.

But as she slipped on a pair of her shoes, she paused.

"Lieutenant. Do you have anything you want to say before I leave? I'm probably going to be out for a while, so..."

Was this bait?

I sighed. I wasn't quite interested in getting her into another huff before she was about to leave.

"Just have a good time, Asuka."

A comment which rewarded me with another wonderful glare.

So, she left, and as the door closed behind her, I felt myself falling an additional half mile backwards down those steps.

I am just the greatest at this, aren't I?

But… if that's not what she was looking for, then what else did she want me to say? No, Asuka, stay home, be a hermit, help me bake a cake. …I don't even know how to bake a cake. Well, whatever, I do hope she has a good time, really.

…and if the guy turns out to be a prick? Well, I'll gladly help her throw eggs at his house, or… whatever kids do these days. Maybe I'll just run out to grab some groceries to kill time. We're out of eggs, after all.

You know, just in case.

Walking around the grocery store with a basket in hand, I thought about how Asuka's date was going. Were they hitting it off? Looking at it as honestly as I could, he'd have to be a guy who lets stuff slide pretty easily if they had any chances. No matter how the whole thing turns out, she's probably not gonna be very happy with me for a while, given how she was acting. Oh well, I was used to that. It happens every other day, but she's always quick to jump back, when she needs something or if she's lonely. She's kinda like a… cat? I've never owned one, but from what I know, they sound pretty fickle.

My finger absentmindedly tapped on a can of corn on the shelf in front of me. Who knows, maybe in 10 years time, Asuka'll call me up from Germany and tell me I made the right idea sending her on that date, after she and whats-his-face get married.

I laughed to myself. We didn't even know if we were going to make it through next week, and here I am thinking about 10 years from now? What the hell's wrong with me?

The sudden coldness of my own thoughts made me slow down to a halt, my laugh fading out.

…I know things got dire for a bit, but why am I getting hung up on all of this again now? Thinking of the future shouldn't be met by immediate despondency. My nightmares returning, my idle thoughts, there has to be some sort of reason why I'm not feeling okay lately.

Suddenly it felt like I was just making circles again. I shuddered at the prospect.

"Lieutenant? Are you okay..?"

As a voice broke me out of my impromptu introspection, I looked to my immediate left to find Shinji. He was holding his own basket, and wearing a concerned look on his face.

"Oh… yeah, I'm fine. Haven't been sleeping well lately, sorta." I actually slept fine last night, but that was all I had I could say. "Hey, uh, nice job on the race the other day. I forgot to mention that."

He gave a questioning look. "Thanks, but… are you sure you're alright? Your face is pretty pale."

"Mmh, here I thought I always looked like that." We both made some awkward chuckles. "… that aside, what are you doing here?"

"Oh." He looked down at his basket, then back up at me. "...I'm shopping."

"...right." I shuffled my feet a little. "I'm a little preoccupied, I guess. Sorry." A smile formed across my lips, hoping to abate the awkwardness creeping into the conversation.

He smiled back. "I think I understand. I heard from Toji that a guy the class rep knows asked Asuka out on a date, so you've probably had a lot to deal with."

Ah, that saves me the trouble of entering the subject myself. "I don't think she really wanted to go, but she seemed like letting Hikari down wasn't something she wanted to do either, so she went for it." I left out my comments on the matter, since all I seemed to've done was escalate things.

"O-Oh, she… actually went?" Shinji made a sheepish giggle. "Well, we'll see how that turns out tomorrow. Toji said any guy wanting to go on a date with that harpy is just asking for a disembowe- AH, I mean…" He began fumbling his words after revealing his friend's comments. "I'm… uh, sure Toji didn't mean it in any bad way, and I don't think Asuka would actually disembowel any… ugh, I… I mean…"

It was hard to hold back my laugh, which eased Shinji into a relieved expression. It made me feel a bit better, at least.

"Listen, I know how Toji is, I know how Asuka is, and well…" I smiled wistfully. "He's not entirely wrong, in a way. Anyone trying to get close to Asuka without understanding her is in for a severe wake-up call. I don't know if I'd say… disemboweling, but I just hope this kid is prepared. Asuka goes for the jugular with a shocking lack of wind-up. It can catch you off guard."

We both stood in silence as I finally added the corn to my basket.

"I guess… you've been with her long enough now to talk from experience, huh?" Shinji asked softly.

My jaw clenched.

"...not exactly. For a good while, I was the bigger problem between us. Asuka had a hard time on her own before I realized the person I had to be to make things easier for us both. I have no right blaming her for the times she got mad with me then, and I have no excuse for bottling up what I had for so long and taking it out on her… I'm just glad she helped me realize that before I made a real mistake."

Suddenly I realized I may've said a little much for a simple grocery store conversation, after seeing Shinji's ever-growing look of confusion and worry.

"...are you SURE you're okay?"

I quickly rushed to get out an apology, mentally kicking myself in the face in the process. "Ah, sorry. I didn't… it's nothing, honest." I scratched at my neck and looked back towards the shelves.

"You don't need to apologize." He held up his hand, as if to assist his words in stopping me from worrying. "...it's fine. Sometimes things aren't easy, but… if you fall back into your old rut, there's always going to be a way out of it, right? So, uh…"

Those words.

It felt a little strange to have Shinji comforting me using my own words against me. Strange, but reassuring as well. I'm a little shocked he still remembered them, or that I remembered them for that matter.

"Continuously, I find myself being helped by you and Asuka. I'm grateful."

Shinji's cheeks gain a bit of color. "...I'm not that good with sappy stuff. I never really know what to say… but you're welcome?" He takes a moment to look at his watch. "Oh darn, I told Misato I was just making a quick run out. If I don't hurry back, she might try to cook something herself…"

I felt the utmost pity in my heart for the boy. "Well, you better hurry on. Wouldn't want her to set a pan-fire or something."

"Yeah, I do want to actually eat decent food tonight."

As he jogged down the aisle, he held his hand up to say goodbye, and I reciprocated the gesture.

He's right. I can't let myself get swept back up by any dark cloud that comes back over my head. I'm better than that now… at least I thought I was. That may've been my problem.

Before entering my apartment, I peered over the railing towards the city. The sun was heading into its descent, and its rays were spreading out past the buildings blocking its full view from where I stood.

Tokyo-3 is a place where nightmares become reality. Giant monsters fight giant monsters every couple weeks, yet the city still stands. It maintains its day-to-day existence because of the work we put in, and I'm a part of both sides. My nightmares are Tokyo-3's nightmares, and vice versa.

I can't help anyone if I lose myself again. I can't let my problems spread back into my work.

I slapped my own face as if to stir myself from the bad thoughts.

"I'm not weak. I'm just an idiot." I whispered to myself. After a few moments passed, I realized how actually stupid that would've looked to anyone that might've been able to see me and I felt my cheeks grow warm. With a hastened pace, I unlocked my door and walked inside.

The door closed with a soft clunk behind me. Immediately, I noticed Asuka's shoes strewn across the entryway.

The dull light outside barely illuminated the den and kitchen through the drawn blinds.

However, it was just enough to make out the auburn haired girl sitting back on the couch.

My embarrassment towards my scene before entering grew a significant amount, as I worried she heard me slapping myself. Though, as I entered the kitchen and noticed the time on the clock, it hit me.

It had barely been forty minutes since she left on her date. Despite the talk I had with Shinji at the store, I was pretty quick at getting back.

Why was she here? Was the date that bad? Did something else happen?

I heard her socks slide across the floor as she stood. Her footsteps now approaching; slow, deliberate.

As I slowly removed the items from my single bag, thinking about how pissed she's probably going to be with me now, I steeled myself for whatever she had to dish out to me. It was a disaster, right? It had to be! That's the only reason she'd be here!

When I turned to look at her, she wasn't making eye contact with me.
She was looking straight at the floor.

"Don't…"

Don't? I awaited her next words with my breath held, still preparing myself for her to yell, trying to think of what I was going to say to wind her down.

"Don't let me… do that to myself again."
She swallowed and finally met my eyes, her own glistening slightly.
"...it wasn't worth it. It's never going to be worth it. I don't care about what they think, 'cuz none of them think to begin with. Stupid, idiotic, pinheaded dumbass little boys with fantasies and egos, they don't actually care. All they want is someone to fawn over them. That's not me, so don't… don't tell me you think I should go… ever again…"

What else could I do in that moment but stare at her.

So, I stared, and in doing so, I kicked myself again mentally. I knew exactly what I missed now. I deserved to fall backwards down those steps.

"...I'm an idiot, Asuka."

"...yeah, you are." She said it with so little of her usual spunkiness that it actually hurt to listen to her say. She sniffled, and then immediately cursed in German under her breath. "All he wanted to talk about was how great it'd be if I was his girlfriend. He didn't even seem like he had a personality outside of liking girls and playing sports. What the hell was I doing?"

Whatever outcome I had expected here, this wasn't it. Far from. My instincts, however, felt they knew exactly what to do, and my arm outstretched again to pat her head.

But I held it off from her as she vented before starting to retract it, remembering how she reacted to my same gesture after the meet.

"What's wrong with you!?"

"Huh?"

Her sudden outburst caused me to step back quickly.

"Your adorable ward is standing here, heartbroken and sniffling, and you can't even commit to patting my hair? Now, of all times, when I actually want you to!?" She sniffed again.

"But, didn't you tell me not to before..?"

"Mein gott, das kann doch nicht dein ernst sein! That was then, this is now! Can't you see I need comfort, dammit! Own up to your mistakes!"

For some reason, I could no longer tell if she was actually upset, or if she was just messing with me, but I did owe her at least this. As soon as my hand reached her head, however, she took a step forward and planted her face into my chest.

Good grief.

A couple hours passed. We ordered take-out delivery because Asuka was in the mood for food far spicier than I could handle, to do away with the last bit of her lingering "heartbreak" in one fell swoop. So, we sat on the couch and watched some stupid TV shows. I think they were supposed to be comedies, and I really didn't find them that funny, but when Asuka laughed, I did too.

But, during a commercial break, I ended up needing a question answered that she really hadn't touched on the whole evening.

"So… did you just ditch the guy mid-date, or something? You were back awfully quick."

A modest amount of pride painted her face as soon as I finished asking.

"Oh, yeah." She giggled. "As soon as I met up with him, I was getting total creep vibes. Then, -get this- he takes me to this cute little restaurant. I was thinking, 'huh, maybe he's not too bad after all', then he says not to buy anything too pricey. What a jerk! I ordered a sandwich, some lame little thing, and then he just fucking talked about himself for a straight ten minutes. Like, get over yourself, buddy. So, while he was in the bathroom, I took the sandwich and left! Oh, before I went out, I asked the waitress to add another twelve sandwiches to our table's order."

Yup, there's the jugular.

"You really got him good, huh?"

"Oh, absolutely. I hope he tells all his little buddies about how much I cost him so they get the picture. I'm just not into guys like him."

Asuka paused to take a sip of her drink as the show came back on.

"What about Hikari, how do you think she'll react?"

"I can apologize to her tomorrow, I'm sure she'll say it's water under the bridge. She'll understand once I tell her the whole story." She flicked her hair around her shoulder and laid back onto my arm, stretching her legs out across the rest of the couch. "Oh well. If I'm gonna waste my time spending it with an idiot, I'd much rather it be you anyway."

I smirked at the comment.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

And as I laid in bed that night, I closed my eyes with a smile. I sorted a lot out today; Asuka was able to come out of her ordeal in a good mood, and I was able to put a few of my own things to rest as well.

All of these positives brought my day to a close, and yet… the nightmares still came.