For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

23. Doubts

Chapter 23: Doubts

The chapter where the final happy day takes place.

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Winter hit the Hokkaido prefecture as it usually did, with blankets of snow that covered the entire area in a wintery white wonderland from the mountains all the way down to the little creeks and riverbanks. While this sight wasn't exactly rare for those who had lived in the area for most of their lives, Monika found herself silently dazzled by the beautiful sheen of glistening snow that she woke up to one morning, peeking out at it curiously from behind the curtain for several minutes. She had never seen snow before. She had seen images online and knew about snow of course, but somehow the internet had never really been able to capture the beauty of the hazy gray mist that had taken the place of the sky.

Monika was immensely grateful for the bright pink draft stopper Natsuki had given them after that. She had decided to crawl back onto the blow-up mattress with Sayori, slipping her arms around her girlfriend and pulling her close so that she could quickly regain all the heat she had lost. The school had already texted Monika to inform them of a delay, only to change it to full out cancellation minutes later, and the idea of going back to sleep beneath the thick comforter they had bought was too good to pass up. She felt Sayori's gentle breathing against her neck, leaned into the unconscious pull that Sayori did whenever she was asleep and wanted to cuddle, and felt nothing but utmost bliss.

This, to Monika, was the best introduction to Winter she could've received.

When Sayori awoke at a quarter after ten, Monika almost chuckled at seeing her stumble around the room in a panic, pulling on socks and hopping around with her blazer on inside out around her night shirt.

"Monika! We're late! Hooooly shoot, we are so late oh my gosh, get up get up get up!" Sayori had just tried taking her sleeping shorts off over shoes when finally Monika could hold it in no more and succumbed to a fit of laughter from where she sat comfortably with the comforter around her. Sayori frowned at her, looking hurt until Monika showed her the text from the school at which point she practically leaped onto the mattress and wrapped herself around a still giggling Monika. "You meanie! That's it, you don't deserve any of the blanket!" But her smile was warm enough that Monika knew she'd be just fine without a blanket so long as kept her eyes on that smile.

Their little heist into Sayori's house had been surprisingly successful despite the fact they hadn't been able to pilfer any real furniture. Now a colorful array of stuffed animals and pillows surrounded the head of the mattress, including a massive stuffed cow that Sayori informed Monika was rather cleverly named, 'Mr. Cow'. The stuffed cow alone was almost as big as she was, and frequently found itself either as a back rest or in the arms of Sayori during the night. Monika refused to admit she was jealous.

A neat stack of books sat in their bedroom against the wall as they had no shelf for them, and their bathroom, which had finally lost its stale air scent, now housed a fair number of perfumes and cosmetic items that frankly surprised Monika. Sayori had never seemed like the type to get dolled up, but then again, when had she had the chance to see her do so before now? Posters, photos, and more hung up in various rooms within the apartment, and Monika had no doubt that if anyone else had come in to see where they lived they would have quickly been labeled as 'dingy'. But when Monika saw Sayori dancing from room to room with eyes alight with wonder and smile that she loved so dearly, she didn't give a damn what anyone thought. This was their apartment.

While it had been mostly smiles and laughter at getting to decorate and organize Sayori's belongings, the uneasy ending to their nighttime trip hadn't left Monika's mind. At first she had panicked and feared the worst, her mind racing with explanations of why Sayori was acting distant. She knows, Monika had thought, she knows about the game and doesn't want to be near me. The files must've been on her laptop and she discovered them and now she knows. Monika had been secretly fearing something like this ever since the club had disbanded, unsure if the lack of a literature club in the world might trigger something within her friend's heads.

But none of her friends showed any sign of obtained omniscience, and though she was certain Sayori had discovered something unpleasant on her laptop (Monika had caught her staring off into space, deep in thought whenever she wasn't giving her recovered laptop dirty glares.) she didn't believe it had anything to do with herself. Sayori had seemed remorseful in not taking her hand on the car ride home, clinging to Monika in the night as though terrified she might leave while whispering quiet apologies for ignoring her and squeezing her hand tight. Monika desperately wanted to ask what it was that had brought such a tension, but she had decided against prodding and decided that if Sayori wanted to tell her, she eventually would.

The warmth that came from cuddling was not meant to last however, as the revelation of the weather seemed to unlock something in Sayori's head as she gasped aloud and rose to push the curtains aside. Monika shivered and wrapped the comforter tighter around her as Sayori pressed her face against the glass; it was getting far too cold to sleep without some kind of shirt on.

"Snow! Monika, holy cow it's actually snowing! Like, a lot of it! A lot a lot! There's at least a foot! Maybe more- oh, oh! We should invite Natsuki and Yuri over, we could have snowball fights!" Sayori was already crawling over the mattress towards where her clothes were in an untidy pile. Monika had understood why Sayori hadn't bought any clothes on their shopping trip, as the amount she had ended up recovering from her house was enough for the both of them to last all winter. Monika giggled as she watched Sayori haphazardly throw on her winter wear and slowly rose from the bed herself, smirking as she noticed a distinct pause in her girlfriend's flailing as she strode into the kitchen in plain view.

"Breakfast first, love." Monika told her. Sayori groaned, but Monika had the feeling the snow was going to take up a good part of their day, and they would need the energy sooner than later. She shivered as she cracked several eggs onto the skillet, popped some bread into the toaster, and began brewing a pot of coffee. Sayori helped by holding the comforter around her shoulders and dozing on Monika's from behind while she cooked, keeping them both warm. After a somewhat hurried breakfast, Monika sealed the rest of her coffee in a cup, threw on her new winter clothes, and followed a very antsy Sayori out into the snow.

Sayori, as Monika had learned, was not fond of winter. It left her more tired and often fueled her depression for long periods of time, much in the same way rain storms did. Those dreary days often left Sayori wrapped up on the mattress, speaking little and eating even less, much to Monika's concern. However, despite her aversion to these two conditions, the combination of the two had the complete opposite effect on Sayori. She hopped around in her boots joyously, making massive leaps with a satisfying crunch at the end of each jump. She ran around with her arms in the hair, laughing gleefully while the tassels from her beanie fluttered behind her. She leaped into snow piles, slipped on the road, and stuck her tongue out to let the falling flakes collect on her tongue.

Monika had never seen her look so unburdened in her entire life.

She was so distracted in watching Sayori that she didn't recognize the ball of snow that smacked her in the chest and knocked her off balance so that she was on her back, staring in the swirling sky of gray. She could hear Sayori's laughter from somewhere ahead of her and slowly stood from the ground, dusting the snow off of her peacoat casually. If that was how it was going to be, then Monika would indulge her. Sayori was too busy snorting and wheezing in the snow, slapping her knee and pointing at what she could not see. It was far too late when she realized Monika was atop of her, smooshing a clump of snow right against her face.

"C-c-cold!" Sayori screeched, shoving Monika's hand away. In mere moments their game had turned into an all-out war. Monika had dived behind the bushes outside of their apartment building since the leaves were suitable for breaking apart the more tightly compacted snowballs, and quickly set to work compiling a stockpile of her own. Her fingers were already freezing after the sixth snowball, but Sayori had learned to underhand the snowballs to mortar them at Monika and she was becoming increasingly better in her aim. Finally after a minute of readying her ammunition, Monika knew it was time. The wave of ice cold snow that suddenly fell atop of her head had other plans however, causing Monika to let out a yelp and shake her head in a fruitless effort to clear away the snow.

"Sayori, you little-" Monika cried, diving forward and turning to lob a snowball at where her girlfriend was standing just on the other side of the hedge. Her throw went wide however and Sayori only grinned at her, mischief littering her smile.

"Payback!" She had two snowballs ready, one in each hand. The sound of a car door slamming shut caught her attention, just long enough for Monika to hurl another that hit her straight in the chest this time. "Hey, Yuri's- oomph!" True to her word, Monika leaned up on her elbows to see Yuri's car just on the outskirts of their apartment lot with Natsuki already hopping out and charging towards them at full speed, a blur of pink and cream. Monika had barely stood back up and waved her greetings before a torrent of snowballs from Natsuki began raining down upon her.

"Nat! Natsuki, would you- do you mind?!" Monika managed, but her words fell short as Natsuki continued her assault. Sayori gave a whooping cry of triumph until Natsuki nailed her with a snowball as well, and just like that the three of them began a heated three-way battle beside the apartments. Yuri soon came racing up to them, a hooded black fur coat covering most of her head as she motioned for them all to stop.

"Natsuki! I told you your immune system is already under strain, why are you- Natsuki!" Yuri was not immune to the wiles of a snow-bound Natsuki, and the affronted look on her face as the snowball collided with her jacket was so strong that her assailant was left giggling as she reached for another. Monika and Sayori swapped mischievous looks and in a moment of spontaneous realization, both launched their snowballs at the unsuspecting Natsuki, knocking her forward and face first into the snowbank with a soft thwump. Monika stuck her tongue out at the downed Natsuki, but Yuri's offended expression had changed to that of utter retribution. "Two on one is most certainly not fair, you two!"

What followed was a war of attrition as all four girls leapt into the fray, hurling snowballs and clumps of loose snow alike. Teams constantly changed, with betrayals happening so frequently that it was debatable if there were ever any sides at all. After half an hour of rugged horseplay and clothes being soaked through with snow, Monika and the others promptly collapsed in the snow with their chests still heaving. Monika's hands felt raw and numb, enough that she regretted not purchasing any mittens and turned to see Sayori a few feet away from her with a sleeve over her forehead. Natsuki gave a soft cheer before her arms collapsed over her chest.

"That was… actually… really fun. I feel like-" But she suddenly broke off into a fit of coughs, hacking and spitting into the snow beside her. Her breath was wheezy and thick with mucus, as though she were in her sixties instead of her late teens. "Yeah, like that…" She muttered. Yuri looked worryingly over at her, swapping glances with Monika who nodded towards the apartment.

"Here, let's get inside. I've got a pot of coffee brewed if either of you want a cup." Monika suggested with a response of mass approval. The four of them silently shuffled indoors, letting out a collective sigh of relief as the warmth of the inside greeted them like an old friend. Yuri and Natsuki huddled in front of the heater while Monika and Sayori took turns changing into a fresh pair of clothes, as the bathroom was too small to fit them both simultaneously. Monika brought out towels to help her friends dry off, sitting on the edge of the mattress across from them.

Natsuki's nose was running and her eyes looked glassy. Monika grabbed her some tissues just in case, and then turned to Yuri. "We weren't expecting you guys to show up, though I'm glad you did, Sayori had me on the ropes before you pulled up. Why didn't you bring a fresh set of clothes?" Natsuki blew her nose and let out a gurgled sigh, giving Monika a thumbs up in thanks as Sayori slid in with them. Yuri sighed and shook her head.

"Because we weren't planning on getting wet." Yuri said, shooting a glare at Natsuki. "I texted everyone this morning since school was out if you all would like to go Christmas shopping together. Natsuki was the only one who responded and I wanted to swing by just to be sure you two didn't wish to join us." Monika raised an eyebrow at that, leaning over to grab her phone off of the bed and scroll through her notifications. Sure enough, Monika cringed upon seeing a text from Yuri sitting unread in her inbox.

"Pft, says you. I was planning on playing in the snow the moment I looked outside." Natsuki interjected. "I just didn't tell you that because I knew you'd turn into Momika over here and start fussing about everything. Seriously, I told you my back hurt earlier and you looked like you were going to have a fit." Both girls swapped looks that Monika couldn't quite find the words for, other than it simply being the spitting image of a teenager back talking to her mother. Yuri pursed her lips, while Natsuki crossed her arms and arched her brow. Neither looked very impressed.

"I would have thought," Yuri managed in a tone that made it clear this was not their first time having this conversation, "That you would have realized you've been coughing and spitting up phlegm for nearly two weeks? Honestly, Natsuki, I'm getting worried. It is not a cold or pneumonia as none of us have caught it either, but you ought to consider taking something at the very least. Please." Natsuki shrugged and looked away, muttering something about a 'viral infection' and 'worrying too much' that Monika couldn't fully pick up.

Sayori seemed to sense the tension that was slowly building and clapped her hands together a bit too cheerfully, turning to Monika with a hopeful look on her face. "I think going Christmas shopping sounds wonderful! We've not had a chance to all go out and shop together since we went to the mall way back when, oh it'll be so much fun! Can we go, Moni, please? Please please?" Monika knew Sayori well enough by that point that when she started bouncing in place, that asking was merely a formality for the sake of social politeness. Since they had nothing else planned for the day, and Monika needed to get her Christmas shopping done regardless, she gave her girlfriend a single smiling nod.

"YAY! Heck yeah, I still got some of that money from dad, so we can get lunch while we're out, and buy hot chocolate, and maybe get some stocking stuffers too! Oh, are we going to have a tree? Can we decorate one together, ohmygosh ohmygosh, I really want us to decorate a tree now!" Sayori was practically bouncing off the walls, a considerable feat since as far as Monika was concerned she hadn't given Sayori any sugar yet. She smiled and shook her head, turning back to Natsuki and Yuri who still sat in front of the heater with their towels.

"If you two would like I can see if any of my new clothes might fit you? Yuri would probably have a better chance than Natsuki since she's only a little taller than me, but it would save you guys from having to go back home." Monika jabbed her thumb behind her towards the neatly stacked pile of blouses, sweaters, and tops, but both Yuri and Natsuki shook their heads.

"That is exceedingly kind of you to offer to let us wear your new clothes, but aside from how I would feel by doing so, I didn't get too wet and should be dry fairly soon."

"No thanks, already got it figured out. Trick I learned at home for getting clothes dry fast, you guys got a hairdryer?"

So it was that half an hour later the four of them had properly bundled up and packed themselves into the familiar freezing space of Yuri's car, leisurely coasting down the city streets while peering outside for satisfying places to shop. Between the snow covering the highways and Yuri's aversion to driving in such dense traffic, they had decided to nix going to the mall they had gone to before and had instead settled on a nice outlet mall in the shopping district. Despite the looming holidays, the snow had managed to assure that the parking wasn't as abysmally packed as it could have been, and the girls trudged through the snow towards the nearest store.

Natsuki took a minute to cough into her jacket sleeve and turned to the others as they stepped inside. The air inside was much warmer and appreciated after their less than comfortable ride, eliciting a relieved sigh from each of them. "Alright, how are we doing this? Cause we're obviously going to be buying stuff for each other too, and it kinda ruins the fun if we see what we're getting each other." This was a fair point, and it was only after a moment of waiting for a solution to be suggested that Monika realized the others were staring at her.

Even if you're not the president of a club anymore, you're still the designated head of the group, Monika thought with a smirk.

"Well, we could all split up." She suggested idly. "But since we came out here together we should shop together somewhat. If we split into twos like last time, we could have it where each pair shops for the other pair first, and then we swap partners once we buy their gifts. That way nobody sees what's getting bought for them. Does that work for everyone?" The others nodded their heads in acknowledgement and split off into pairs with Yuri and Sayori heading off together while Monika tagged in with Natsuki. Sayori gave Monika a kiss goodbye, leaving her feeling rather giddy while Natsuki stuck her tongue out and silently pretended to retch, only to actually begin coughing in the middle of the store.

They agreed to tackle Sayori first since it was easier, only to find that neither one really knew what would make a good gift for her. Natsuki wasn't impressed by Monika's lack of thought into the matter.

"How do you not know what to buy your own girlfriend? Like, if anyone here should know what she likes, it's you!" She grumbled as they stepped back out into the snow and stared at the various stores. "Well I know not to get her any clothes, at least. I stuffed so many bags of clothes into that trunk the other day, and I guarantee you she'll only wear the same three outfits for the next year and a half." Monika rolled her eyes.

"Depression does that to people." She said as she peered through the crisp winter wind. "Let's go for something sentimental, you know she really appreciates stuff like that. I'm just not sure what might be too sentimental, you know? Like, I don't want to get her something that might inadvertently remind her of the bad days, if that makes sense. Although," She paused and placed a hand on her chin, "I'm not sure I'd know what would be sentimental for her in the first place. She hasn't told me a whole lot about the good parts of her childhood."

Natsuki thought for a moment as well, bobbing her head to an invisible beat before jerking her thumb towards the outer ring of the outlet mall. "Eh, I think there's an antique shop or a flea market of some kind past the frozen yogurt place. Might be a good place to look if we're doing sentimentality, assuming it's open." Without another word they trudged through the snow with their arms crossed for warmth as they crossed to the other end of the outlet. Monika held the door open for Natsuki who sneezed her thanks and hurried inside, peering at the different objects behind display cases and shelves. There was a distinct musty smell inside, as if someone had left clothes lying in cupboards for far too long with the faintest hint of cigarette smoke.

"Ugh, if I had grandparents, I imagine this is what their house would smell like." Natsuki muttered under their breath as they passed a couple browsing vintage movies being sold. Monika thought that the market was rather cozy and interesting, as between the shelves there was often a small stand or a table where people were selling their own wares. From pottery to paintings, to kimonos and shrines, Monika was certain that this was the place for unique gifts. Natsuki cocked her head at a rather fancy tea set laden with dust and called back, "You think Yuri might like a tea set? I mean I know she has one already, but…" She stood on her tiptoes to see the price tag and then quickly grimaced. "Nope, nah, sorry Yuri."

They wandered through the stalls, looking at various jewelry and knick-knacks and pointing out potential gift options for the other's opinion. After a minute of silent observation through a rack of homemade instruments, Monika casually turned to Natsuki and decided to proffer a chance at opening up about her health.

"So," she said, "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Not… really. Why?" Natsuki tore her eyes away from a compact xylophone to glance at Monika curiously.

"Oh, well, I don't know. It feels like whenever two of us are alone together we always have a lot we need to get off our chest."

"Nah, all good here. I mean, my back is sore and my nose is running like a faucet, but otherwise…" Natsuki turned to look for something else to buy before Monika could reply however, and seemed to hone in on something that she sped off towards. Monika wasn't sure if she was purposefully avoiding any sort of prying, or was simply being her usual flippant self. A moment later however Natsuki called for her and she found her friend pointing smugly at a glass display case lit from the bottom, and Monika walked over to see a box made of translucent blue plastic with a slot in the middle. Several thick gray cartridges sat beside it with various pictures plastered on the front.

Natsuki continued to watch with a smug grin that showcased her fang, her arms crossed as though she was waiting for Monika to begin praising her. Monika just looked between the box and Natsuki.

"What is it?"

"It- what is it? Holy- did you not have a childhood or something?" The corner of her mouth twitched and her voice faltered for a quick moment. "I mean, well I didn't have one either. A console, I mean! But are you telling me you didn't know anyone who owned one of these babies? This is your Christmas gift for Sayori, we used to play this at her house all the time when we were younger until hers shorted out since it was second hand." Natsuki eyed the old gaming system with a hungry look, while Monika couldn't help but look between the console and her friend with uncertainty.

"Are you sure she would really enjoy something like this?" She asked, failing to mask her doubt. The controller itself looked as though it had been designed for someone with three hands. Natsuki rapped her knuckles on the counter as though ordering a drink, looking for the cashier and shooting Monika a dirty look.

"Hey, you said sentimental. You want something that'll keep her distracted and busy when she's having a bad day? Something that literally will put her back in her childhood, when she was happy being a kid? You won't find a better gift." Seeing Monika's still dubious expression she let out a groan and lowered her voice as though expecting someone to overhear. "Look, if you buy her the system I'll get her some games to go with it since it's already eighty-three hundred yen by itself. Then you can blame me too if she doesn't like it, even though she will." Finally Monika buckled, and ignoring a smug looking Natsuki, agreed to purchase the game system.

While Natsuki went off to find Yuri's gift, Monika searched around a bit more and found a boxed set of films from the same studio she and Sayori had gone on a date to see on sale. She grinned, knowing Sayori's birthday was right around the corner as well, and bought it just as Natsuki approached while trying to shove what looked like a washboard into a plastic bag. Monika smirked and tried to lend a hand, but Natsuki batted her away.

"It's a tray for holding a book in… the… bath!" She punctuated each pause with another attempt at shoving the tray into the bag. "It stretches to fit your bath and whatever, plus it has a spot for a wine glass since she's a fancy nerd like that. There! Alright, Sayori's done, and I got Yuri's gift from me. Did you find anything for her?" When Monika confirmed she hadn't, they both sighed and set off into the snow together once more, only to find that the snow had picked back up and was filling in the tracks they had made. Natsuki sighed as they trudged over to a hobby shop and stepped closer in line with Monika. "God that car is going to be ice fucking cold dude."

Monika was thankful that she found her gift for Yuri quickly enough (a self stirring mug that was advertised as being able to keep its insides hot for up to an hour) as with the incoming wintery weather, she wasn't sure how long she wanted to stay out, as fun as it was. Natsuki seemed to also be on edge, bouncing on the tips of her toes whenever they were indoors and continuously checking her phone whenever they weren't. They met up with Sayori and Yuri, who looked just as cold as they were, if not more so. Sayori took Natsuki's place, and the group agreed to meet back up soon at a restaurant in the middle of the outlet. Monika and Sayori trekked off through the snow, looking at one another for a sign as to where to go.

"Any ideas what to get Natsuki?" Monika asked through a shiver. An audible humming could be heard from Sayori as she looked left and right for a suitable store. Eventually she settled on a clothing store across the hub that seemed to specialize in clothes with designs from popular media. Monika followed without question, happy to be inside once again as the heat washed over her. Sayori shook the snow off of her beanie, splattering Monika with flecks of snow as soon as she stepped inside however.

"Hey- easy! I'm right here!" Monika said as a particularly cold piece stuck to her neck. Sayori giggled out an apology and they silently began looking around, walking through the aisles of t-shirts, sweaters, and hoodies with designs splattered across the front from anime to popular video games. Sayori stopped and admired a lineup of black t-shirts with secondary sleeves already sewn in

"I thought about getting Nat something for her baking since she joined a club for it and everything, but then I realized I didn't know what she might need or what might be best." She pulled up a t-shirt that had a heart being peeled like an onion, but Monika, unable to see Natsuki wearing such a thing, shook her head. "Then I thought about getting her some manga, but I have no idea what issue or volume she's on for any of her series, and asking would give away what I wanted to get her." They moved along from the tops to the bottoms, looking at jeans and cargo pants with cuts and slices already made along the knees.

Monika glanced at a line of pegged pants, slightly disappointed she had already done her own clothes shopping. "I see, and you can never go wrong with clothes. Maybe we can find her a Parfait Girls shirt or something."

"Yeah. She needs clothes, most of hers are tattered or don't fit right. That's why she usually wears the same couple of outfits." Sayori said softly. "She's even worse than you are about accepting charity too, because she won't let me give her any of my old clothes. I figure buying her some warmer shirts is honestly the best way I can help her directly without her being able to reject it." Monika arched her brow, but she couldn't stop the smile that spread on her face. She loved how much Sayori couldn't help but care for others, how much she picked up on but never spoke of. Natsuki suffering in silence was nothing to smile over of course, but being able to circumvent her own restrictions to help her was something that brought Monika more joy than she could say.

"That," Monika said with a slight pause, "Is a wonderful idea, love. I think she'd like those more though. She usually wears lighter colors with accents as opposed to solids, right?" They shifted through the rack, having fun checking with each other on what Natsuki may or may not like. Monika was particularly proud of a thick gray hoodie that appeared to be the same brand as the casual clothes Natsuki had worn within the game, marked by the logo of a bright pink cat's face in the middle. Having decided to team up with Sayori and double up on getting Natsuki clothes for Christmas, the both of them proudly exited the store with bags in hand and trudged over to Yuri's car to deposit their bags.

After stuffing their gifts in the trunk, Monika sighed and breathed into her hands for warmth to combat the cold of the wind. Sayori was leaning against the fender, one mitten missing as she typed rapidly against her phone with her thumb with a concentrated expression on her face. Monika, not wanting to pry, waited patiently beside her until the cold began to bite her fingers and cheeks and she could no longer stand it. She took a step closer and tactfully slid her own hand into Sayori's free one to catch her attention, and when she turned to question Monika she was met with her lips pressed against hers instead.

Monika smirked and broke away. "Hey. You were looking a little spaced out there, everything okay?" Sayori hummed softly, the smile she had gained from their brief embrace quickly fading as she glanced back down at her phone.

"Oh, yeah. Everything's okay. Just uh, texting Dad. I don't want to lose contact with him, after what happened." If the look on Sayori's face hadn't given it away that there was more to it than that, the somber tone in her voice would have covered it. Monika frowned and leaned closer, feigning ignorance in the hopes of getting her to open up.

"Oh yeah?" She asked. "How's he doing? I've only spoken to him a few times since we moved in, mostly thanking him for that old kerosene heater and the mattress he was able to pull out for us."

"He's okay. Mostly stressed about the divorce." Sayori muttered. Her fingers suddenly stopped typing and she let her hand slowly lower back to the side as her gaze bored into the snow and her face darkened. "Honestly, I… I am too, Monika. I don't know what to do if he loses, and I don't want to put more weight on your shoulders, but if Mom wins I can't imagine she'll want us to see each other. I know we've not like, we've not been together long but… I'm happy with you, you know?" She wasn't crying, but she didn't have to for Monika to see the fear and anxiety riddled behind her eyes. "I'm happy."

Monika sighed and brought her girlfriend in for a much needed hug. The truth was she didn't have an answer, not one that could comfort her. Yuri's words from their late-night retrieval still rang in her mind, and the slowly mounting fear of a confrontation with Sayori's mother was seeming inevitable. The thin hope of running away and starting a life together that had been like a constant motive in the back of her head was slowly but surely approaching an impassable wall. She sure didn't have a legal leg to stand on, especially considering she was already having to deal with getting her name changed, and the fact that Yuri was right. She was harboring Sayori.

Perhaps Sayori could tell Monika was worried too, because her hands squeezed tighter around Monika's middle. There has to be a way, Monika thought to herself. There's always a way, even if it isn't the obvious route to take. That's how we made it to where we are now. Monika loved Sayori, there wasn't a doubt in her mind anymore, even if she hadn't said it yet. From the way Sayori felt relaxed in her arms, holding onto her as though she were a giant stuffed animal, Monika was certain Sayori felt very much the same. They were undoubtedly in love, and there was nothing that seemed able to change that.

If they couldn't change how they felt, maybe they could change how Ms. Moriyama viewed them.

It would take work, oh how it would take work. Work, studying, and quite a bit of luck. But it was an idea, an idea that was beginning to take hold in Monika's mind. She parted from Sayori and flashed her a confident smile to let her know it was alright. She would have to talk about it with Yuri, but if she knew her friend at all she knew Yuri would gladly assist them with something like that.

"Hey, I have an idea." Monika said, holding Sayori's chin so that she was forced to meet her eyes. "We've still got some time left, and we've completed our Christmas shopping. What do you say me and you go by the game center they have here, take our minds off things? It's the holiday season, it's snowing, today's supposed to be fun. Maybe if you beat me in pinball I'll buy you a chocolate cake at lunch, sound good?" Whether it was the prospect of playing at an arcade together or the prospect of chocolate cake, Monika could tell she had grabbed Sayori's attention away from the rain clouds in her head, however briefly.

Monika pulled a huffing Sayori behind her as they rounded the corner, following the maps hung up on displays until they reached the brightly lit and well stocked game corner. The inside wasn't as warm as some of the other stores, but the sounds of various arcade machines whirring and beeping brought about a nostalgic feeling, even for Monika. There were cabinets, tables, and stands neatly organized in rows and that created a labyrinth of flashing screens and buzzes. It left Monika a bit awestruck, but Sayori quickly took her hand and pointed through the wave of cabinets, leading her away from the entrance.

How Sayori had spotted them, Monika wasn't sure, but there in the back corner was the familiar set of cabinets and glowing mats that had large pulsating neon signs with the words Dancing Remix Revolution across the front. They swapped grins and quickly got in line, Sayori's hand finding Monika's and giving an excited squeeze as she bounced on her feet in anticipation. Monika fondly remembered the last time they had played the dancing game, as it had been her earliest memory of feeling genuine happiness in the world she had found herself in. Of course, her strongest feelings were always when she had been around Sayori. Nothing had changed in that regard.

When their turn came up both Monika and Sayori slipped their yen into the slot and stepped onto the pad. Monika decided to let Sayori pick their song since it made her happy, and between the two of them Sayori absolutely knew which songs were better suited for their respective skill levels. She was glad the line had thinned out a bit behind them however, since Sayori seemed to be stuck on which song she wanted them to play together.

"I'm looking for… a certain… ah! They have them on here, oh I love this band! Quick, get ready, get ready!" Sayori nudged Monika onto her pad, and she glanced up just in time to see the words 'Racing into the Night' flash on screen before the familiar colored arrows took their place and the song's pleasant vocals began. In an instant Monika stomped on the right arrow with her right foot, and then the down arrow with her left. It was starting slow, but Monika didn't need to have heard the song before to know there was about to be a dramatic change in pace. Sure enough, the melody kicked into place and Monika was thrown into a frenzy as she tried to match her feet to the rapidly flashing arrows before her.

Up, right, down, left, up, then up again as Monika threw out her hands to balance herself. It was just as physically involved as she remembered, forcing her eye-coordination to be pushed to the limits as the song blared from the speakers and she began to feel warm within her coat. A quick glance told her Sayori was faring only a little better, chest puffing as she tried to keep up with the tempo of the song. It was hardly a surprise given that she was still getting used to a leg that had been in a cast for over two months. It did increase her respect for her girlfriend however, though as Monika's gaze turned back to the screen she saw that she had clumsily missed several notes in the mere second she had glanced off.

The lyrics were rather melancholy for such an upbeat song, she realized. How fitting for Sayori! An idea struck Monika as she thought back to the last time they had played this game, and with a mischievous smirk she threw her weight into hips and made to bump into Sayori. She felt her body sway into Sayori's panel, but instead of the gentle contact she had meant, she felt a flash of horror as she saw Sayori step forward on the up arrow, completely and accidentally avoiding Monika who tripped over her own feet and tumbled over the pad.

You're an idiot, Monika thought as she toppled over, arms flailing. You're going to bust your head open and ruin this, why did you even do this? Did you want her attention? Were you just trying to tease her? You are an idiot. The biggest, as a matter of fact. Idiot. This was it. She was going to fall off of the platform pads. But just as she readied for the impact she felt something warm and firm grip her hand, and she watched as her head jerked back from being yanked back up before she could tumble off, and just like that she was back in Sayori's arms as their eyes met for a single moment that could have lasted forever. Instead it ended as fast as everything else had happened, and Sayori stepped back so that she was on Monika's pad and continued to tap her feet; they had swapped places.

Monika's breath was heavy but her chest felt light, and something told her it wasn't from the workout the game was giving them. It had all happened so fast, but for some reason it made Monika feel flustered and lightheaded. Were people watching? She could see other bodies in her peripherals around the cabinet. Taking Sayori's score had given her a decent boost, but she was certain that someone had reprogrammed her legs to be replaced with jelly. As the song winded down and the final score flashed on screen showing that they were nearly tied due to Sayori's swap, Monika glanced over at Sayori. Her girlfriend had a light bead of sweat forming beneath the edge of her beanie, and when she took it off her hair looked wilder than usual, but there was a smile on her face and laughter on the edge of her lips.

Monika was about to apologize for her fumble costing Sayori a good score, but someone had beaten her to the punch. Several people had indeed gathered to watch their game, either from passing by or already being in line, and they were staring at Sayori with a look of mild respect and intrigue.

"Nice catch, I thought your friend was going to take you out! Wouldn't be the first time I've seen someone lose their footing on these things though. You play often?" A girl in a green turtleneck asked. Another in a matching blue sweater who looked to be her twin spoke up as well.

"Nice? She literally caught her and then pulled her back up, and swapped places without tanking their score! I'd be the one tripping if I did that."

A flash of jealousy and embarrassment welled up within Monika as two guys approached and began complimenting her quick save and Dancing Remix Revolution skills. She had only been trying to have fun and play around with Sayori. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around, with Sayori falling and her instead making the swift save? These people didn't even know Sayori like she did, and she felt a very sudden need to step forward and hold her girlfriend's hand in a noticeable fashion. She glanced at Sayori with a frown plastered across her face.

Just as sudden as the feelings and thoughts had come, they disappeared. Sayori looked happy, genuinely happy at how impressed the others looked. And why shouldn't she? Sayori didn't get compliments very often from strangers, and Monika knew she had no reason to be jealous whatsoever. She should've been happy Sayori had done so well and saved her from further embarrassment in the process. If she was going to get jealous over something so stupid and simple, she couldn't dare to consider herself reformed from what the game had turned her into.

I am not you, not anymore, Monika told a smiling vision of herself inside of her head. There are parts of you that still cling to me, and I will spend the rest of my life batting them away and telling them they have no home here if I have to. If keeping you trapped in my head is the only way to stop you from taking ahold of me, then so be it.

"You know, that might be the only time I've ever seen Sayori save a fumble rather than cause one. Or two." Monika turned around to see Natsuki leaning over the backrail of the platform, grinning beside Yuri who was watching with something that Monika couldn't quite make out. Was it jealousy? "Lucky we ran into you guys. I just wanted to stop by to see if they added the touch-screen Minori coin pusher machine. She pops up on screen and you put your finger against hers to push the coins, but if you don't let go I hear she gets all embarrassed."

"Are you alright, Monika?" Yuri asked as Monika stepped off of the platform and moved away a few steps; she didn't want to be overbearing or make Sayori feel as though she was waiting on her.

At first Monika thought she still had a sour look on her face, but realized Yuri was giving her the look she often gave Natsuki whenever she did something reckless. "You didn't twist your ankle did you?" Monika quickly gave her a shake of the head and motioned for them all to step back so as to not crowd the cabinet.

Sayori hurried over to them a second later, leaving the two boys who had been talking to her looking mildly affronted. She was still out of breath from the dance with her hair sticking all over the place and she waved to Natsuki and Yuri as she turned to face Monika with a cheerful grin on her face.

"I made friends! Well, sorta, those girls in the sweaters are actually super good at the game, they were showing me their scores and everything. But they wanted to duel me sometime, ehehe." Sayori raised her arms in a celebratory manner before pointing at the front desk where a cashier stood in front of a wall of various prizes and pieces of merchandise, as well as several canned and frozen capped drinks. Monika saw Sayori's eyes light up and knew immediately what she wanted. "Eugh, that got me all hot and sweaty! Oh, can we get a frozen Ramune? Aaaand then maybe play pinball? I love pinball, even though I suck at it."

Monika was already reaching for her change to get them some drinks while Natsuki just stared at Sayori with a look of utter bewilderment. "Dude. It's snowing. Go stick your head outside if you want to cool down." Her criticisms had strangely halted after Monika had bought each of them a frozen drink. Yuri didn't seem terribly interested in any of the cabinets, but was content to watch Natsuki try her luck at the various racing games and side-scrollers. Natsuki on the other hand seemed to quickly grow tired of Yuri watching her and standing around as though out of place, and last Monika had seen was shoving a plastic rifle connected to the machine into her hands and forcing her to play with her.

Sayori dragged Monika to a row of pinball machines stationed close by the shooter Natsuki and Yuri were engaged in and quickly slid her yen into the cabinet. To Monika's surprise she found that the cabinet raised up and then went back down on the opposite side to reveal an entirely different pinball stage with its own knobs; a two-player pinball machine. Monika may not have cared for games, but she could at least play pinball, happily sliding in on the other end as the balls rolled into their springs and both girls released them. Sayori gave a small yelp as Monika quickly punted both of her balls into her space, forcing her to keep track and focus on four different balls at once.

Monika grinned and rested on the edge of the machine with her arms crossed as she watched her girlfriend struggle when a question popped into her mind. "Hey, Say?" Sayori answered with a quick hum as her eyes flickered across her side. "Why didn't you play Dancing Remix Revolution with those girls you met? I know you don't really get to hang out with other people a lot, you didn't have to ditch them you know." Monika readied herself just in time as a ball launched over onto her side and she let it bounce off her flipper bar with a satisfying Ping!

Sayori was looking at Monika as though she was crazy. "Ditch them? That would be me ditching you guys. This is our time, and I want to spend it with you." Another ball soared onto her side, forcing her to ready herself. "Agh, meanie! I like having friends, you know that, and I don't have a lot… but I think I'd rather have a few close friends than a bunch of people who are really just acquaintances, you know? Ehehe, that's actually how I was when I was a kid, because I wanted to be really good friends with everyone. I didn't understand-" In an instant a flash of red splattered across Sayori, causing her to recoil as the dripping plastic cup clattered to the floor.

"Drink up, dyke!" A soft chorus of snickers resonated from their left where the two boys who had been watching Sayori dance gave quiet shushing motions to one another, as if to hide the fact they had thrown the drink. Sayori's mouth was agape while her hands were frozen in front of her, the shock of the cold still settling in as soda dribbled down from her face, the entire right half covered in the sticky red liquid. Monika's heart stopped for a fraction of a second, and when that fraction had ended all she could see was red as she removed herself from behind the pinball machine, the buzzer ringing from the game indicating she had lost. But she did not hear it. Her fists clenched. How dare they?

Natsuki had beaten her to the punch, having turned around at the sound of the drink flying behind her and was now charging the closest boy with her fists balled tight. Her fist collided with his jaw in an instant and he stumbled to the floor clutching his cheek as she chased after the other, leaping over cabinets and tables in an effort to get to him.

"That's my friend you fucking dick!" She roared.

Yuri was following behind her, calling, "Natsuki, stop! You're not going to-" She stopped as the one who was on his knees, recovering from Natsuki's blow with a mixture of surprise and agitation on his face, yelled something Monika could not make out after Natsuki. Yuri backhanded him so hard that he tumbled over again and without a second glance she followed after Natsuki with a calm-like seriousness to her walk. Monika wanted to follow. She wanted to stomp on their fingers and bust their noses until they were begging for her mercy, but she would not give it to them. Yet something in her head held her back like a rider pulling back on the reigns of a wild beast. She turned and saw Sayori, soda still dripping from her hair to her shoulders, her eyes still wide as though she did not understand what had happened.

Monika's anger did not vanish, it did not even diminish, but her care and concern covered it like a blanket over a fire to keep it from erupting as she turned back to hold Sayori still and try to dry her off with her sleeves. She could feel the stickiness already taking hold and knew that the only way they were going to fix this was with water, and so she tried to lead a still shaking Sayori to the bathroom, but she just shook her head.

"N-no, it's okay… I… I like cherry soda." She said in a voice that was trying so desperately to hold back tears. Monika didn't know what to say, what to do to comfort her. She tried to hold her, to reassure her, but Sayori would just shake her head again and back away. "I don't want you sticky." She whispered in a fragile voice. Finally Monika managed to get Sayori to the bathroom, rubbing her face with wet paper towels in an attempt to clean off some of the soda.

Occasionally she would murmur something soft like "I didn't do anything…" and Monika would only be able to squeeze her hand and continue to dab at the spots of syrup.

"I know, love." She would whisper back. She wanted to cup some water and pour it over the stickier parts of Sayori's hair, but her girlfriend wouldn't let her, saying her head would be really cold whenever they left. Sighing, Monika peeked out of the bathroom to make sure nobody was waiting for them and slowly led Sayori out by the hand so that they could try and find the others. Monika silently prayed Natsuki hadn't done anything so rash as to warrant security or the police, but as they were halfway to crossing the arcade she felt Sayori's hand slip out of hers. She turned back to see Sayori standing a few feet behind her looking apprehensive and staring into the floor while cradling her hand as though she had injured it.

"Um. I don't… I don't want anyone else to get upset, so…" Monika understood, as much as it hurt, she understood how Sayori felt. There were people staring after all, people who had all likely seen or heard the commotion. The last thing they needed was questions, or worse, accusations. "I just… I want to go home, Monika. Away from everything. Please?" The utter defeat in her voice was heartbreaking when just minutes ago she had seen Sayori on cloud nine, cheerful and proud of herself. Monika nodded, turning and silently walking towards the exit.

They passed Yuri and Natsuki who seemed to be busy speaking to several members of staff, with the girls in sweaters who had complimented Sayori's dancing beside them. Monika silently hoped Natsuki would have the sense to not try and bring attention to them when it was clear Sayori wanted anything but. Thankfully they passed by without acknowledgement, though not without accidentally eavesdropping.

"I'm not apologizing for kicking the shit out of that guy. I'll apologize-" Natsuki's voice was interrupted by a wave of coughing that caused everyone to step back from her. "For… for smudging up the glass or tripping over a cord, but he deserved every hit I landed on him. He assaulted my friend and insulted her!" Her voice fizzled out despite its intensity as she gasped for air and coughed again into her arm, with Yuri gently patting her back.

"It's true, we saw it happen. If anyone should be held accountable it should be those two."

"Absolutely, these girls were just defending their friends. What kind of reputation are you setting if you call the police on the people who get harassed in your own building?"

"Alright, alright!" What appeared to be the manager was raising his hands, giving into the four girls with a yielding expression. "I won't call the police. Takahashi's Gaming Corner takes the safety and comfort of all its visitors very seriously, so I am going to have to ask you and your friends to leave. We'll deal with the other two delinquents, but I don't want to see any of you here again, understand?" It sounded as though Natsuki was forming a retort but her coughing had become so severe that she was physically gasping for air and struggling to stand. Yuri took her under the arm to try and help her stand, but Natsuki winced and shook her off.

Monika and Sayori stepped out into the open to find that the snow had died down some, allowing a clearer view of the misty road they had ventured in on. They had barely stepped out on the pavement when Yuri and Natsuki came out as well, followed by the twins in sweaters. One walked alongside Yuri while the other sped up to match pace with Monika, and when she turned she saw Sayori's frown change into a rather convincing smile as she too turned to meet her new friend.

"Hey! You okay? We saw those assholes trying to sneak off when the owner got a hold of your friend with the pink hair, so we got in their way. What did they go and do that for, anyway?" The girl in the blue sweater had a look of concern on her face, but Sayori shook her head still smiling brightly as though she was having the time of her life. This girl hadn't heard what he yelled.

"I'm fine! Thanks for checking on me, eheh. It wasn't that bad, just a little soda in my hair. I'm going to go home and try to wash it before it freezes – although having soda just drip down from your hair whenever I was thirsty would be pretty neato!" Sayori's tone and voice sounded so casual, as if nothing bad had happened whatsoever. It made Monika cringe from where she stood a few feet away, patiently waiting and trying to appear mildly bored instead of heavily concerned for her girlfriend. "I think he might've been upset that I beat his score or something, it might've even been an accident, you know?"

The girl didn't look convinced, and she gave a small hum of uncertainty before giving Sayori a once-over. "Well, glad you're alright. We thought that…" She paused for a moment and then shook her head, pulling out her phone and holding it out for Sayori. "Nevermind, just make sure you let us know when you're in the area again, yeah? This is my number. Me and my sister would love to have a go at you sometime. On the game, I mean! Hah, sorry. Got it? Alrighty, good luck with your hair!" With that she gave a friendly wave and turned, her sister patiently waiting behind her as the two set off down the sidewalk.

Sayori's smile slowly dissipated as the girls walked away, and Natsuki and Yuri took their place as they all turned and began to walk to the car without a word. It was a testament to how everyone felt that not even Natsuki complained about the day being cut short, instead they all silently and without complaint piled into the freezing car, the last of their shopping bags tucked in the floorboards, and set off for home. Yuri peered back at the two of them in the back seat and asked if they were alright, to which both girls gave distant nods. Natsuki even tried to offer her condolences but fell into a fit of raspy breaths that Monika saw kept grabbing Yuri's attention. She suspected Natsuki's rapidly declining state was part of the reason they hadn't complained about leaving early.

Monika watched Sayori out of the corner of her eye, a strange feeling in her chest. There was concern there, of course, but there was a cold nipping feeling in her gut that almost felt like fear, but different. Sayori was preoccupied with her phone, eyes glazed over with the ghost of a smile as her fingers tapped away at the keyboard. Monika stiffened.

She can text her new friends but she can't even look at me.

She was being silly again, she knew it. There was nothing but her own paranoia and insecurities telling her that; Sayori could've been looking up a good way to get soda residue out of her hair for all she knew. She tried mouthing at Sayori to get her attention, but Sayori continued texting.

She didn't want to hold your hand around people.

She had just been assaulted and embarrassed for something that was nobody's business, Monika knew it only made sense that she wanted to avoid more retaliation. She tried to slip her hand into Sayori's and rub the back of her hand, but Sayori shook her head solemnly and retracted it.

You promised no secrets, but she wouldn't tell you what happened when you got her stuff back.

Monika wasn't listening anymore, she refused. Instead she found solace in the beautiful snow outside. It was so frosty and pleasant, it really was a shame their day had taken such a sour turn.

The fact that you're even having to consider any of this shows who you truly are. You're not redeemed or changed, you're still broken and twisted. You're going to sit and stew on this all day and ruin any chance of reclaiming the day for the better. Because that's what you do.

What was wrong with Natsuki? Was she really sick? Monika knew she needed to start taking an interest in her friend's health, especially after today.

You're not worth her time or her care, and she's starting to realize it. The Monika that was sitting between her and Sayori was not malicious in its look or its tone, but so firm and confident in its words that Monika did not doubt them. Once she realizes you're not fit for relationships it will come crashing down. It is what you do. That part of you was never a byproduct of the game, it was always within you.

"Monika." Yuri's voice grabbed her attention enough for her to realize they were outside of her apartment. Yuri brushed a solitary strand of her shortened hair behind her ear, and it was obvious that the look Monika was receiving was one of concern, but she snapped to attention. Yuri had enough to worry about without adding Monika to that list. "Do you need help getting anything? I need to get Natsuki home before she becomes any more sick, but if you require the assistance I don't mind."

"I'm seventeen years old for Christ's sake, stop treating me like…" Natsuki's voice faded out as she clenched her eyes shut and winced, clearly trying to hold back a cough that was burning her throat. Monika shook her head, suddenly not having the energy for any more social pleasantries. She gave Yuri a wave of thanks and stepped out of the car, gathering her bags from the trunk followed by Sayori who did the same. After several quick and awkward goodbyes, including one where Yuri brought Sayori to the window and had a quick whispered conversation followed by an encouraging hug, the silver hatchback drove off into the light haze of the snowy afternoon.

Monika risked a glance at Sayori as the snow crunched beneath their shoes. To her surprise she looked exasperated, a distinct pout on her face that seemed to be hiding a bubbling pot of feelings underneath. Monika opened the door, greeted by the apartment whose lack of a wind chill was the sole reason for its warmth despite the similarities between the temperature outside and in. Monika immediately kicked the kerosene heater on and dumped her bags by her backpack, taking extra time so that Sayori had a chance to hide any gifts she didn't want Monika to see. There was the sound of the freezer opening, followed by a quiet, "Oh, shoot! Two?! How- darn it!" and then a louder, "I'm taking a shower."

By the time Monika looked up, the door to their bathroom was already closing shut. She frowned and flicked the television on while she changed, flopping on their blowup mattress in the comfort of her own clothes. She heard the sound of running water from the bathroom and knew she probably had a few minutes to herself, maybe longer depending on how long it took to clean the soda from Sayori's hair. A pang of guilt coursed through her as she thought of Sayori and how she was actively letting her unseemly thoughts course through her. She didn't want to be jealous, and she knew what intrusive thoughts were and could recognize when her head was purposefully attacking her. But it didn't change how true everything that she told herself felt.

It was a vicious cycle, feeling things she knew she had no business to feel, only to chastise herself for thinking them in the first place, which in turn soured her mood even further. She wanted to get up right then and burst through the bathroom door to apologize, but then she remembered how Sayori seemed to be avoiding her in more ways than one and felt a spark of jealousy and hurt that kept her grounded on the bed. She felt so many emotions and had so many thoughts that she just wanted to turn around and go to sleep, so that way when she awoke maybe everything would make sense. Her eyes closed. If Sayori could be constantly depressed and still fake a smile, why couldn't she?

Her eyes opened at the sound of a door opening behind her, and she shook off the short lived grogginess of her accidental power nap to focus on the window beside their bed, and to listen. Feet padding softly across the floor, and then silence. Was Sayori looking at her?

"Monika?" Her voice just barely cut above the television, and the voices in Monika's head seemed to assault her on both fronts with what they deemed the appropriate response.

Answer her, talk to her about how you feel. You know that the only way to fix how you feel is communication.

She ignored you. A little taste of her own medicine might show her how you're feeling right now.

Monika kept her breath steady, silently regretting her decision as she pretended to remain asleep. But she didn't back out. A soft sigh of disappointment echoed from the kitchen behind her and the sound of feet once again padding across the room met Monika's ears. The mattress beneath her sank slightly to indicate Sayori's presence, and for a few seconds there was absolute silence. There was a small creaking, and she felt their comforter being gently and somewhat clumsily tucked over her shoulders. If she hadn't felt guilty over ignoring Sayori before, she certainly did now as she felt a pair of cold lips brush against the back of her head.

You're a humongous asshole.

There was another shift, the sound of something powering up, and the sharp clicking of a keyboard now. Sayori must've pulled out her laptop, but the clicking slowed and became more spaced out. Was she purposefully stifling her keyboard for Monika's sake? It was a very Sayori thing to do after all. She couldn't bring herself to even try to be petty any longer, for there was now an overbearing voice in her head that was yelling that this was not who she was. She lifted herself up, the bleariness of her mini-nap only half feigned as she brushed her bangs out from over her eyes, and looked at Sayori.

Sayori was looking right at her, her fingers frozen in the middle of typing as both girls simply stared at one another for a moment, as if scared to speak. Finally Monika stretched her arms over her head and let out a sigh.

"I must've fallen asleep-" She began, but the lie immediately felt sour on her tongue and she looked away. Even if there was a truth to it, she couldn't bring herself to give even the whitest of lies at this point. "No, no that's a lie. I've been awake. I was hurt because of how you reacted to me trying to help, and so I pretended to be asleep to show you I was hurt when I could've just… just told you, like any rational person would've. That… that wasn't okay. It was wrong, it was petty, and I am really really sorry." She felt something begin to well up in the corners of her eyes but she shook it off. She would not cry over this, of all things. "I'm not petty, or maybe I am but- I didn't mean to be. I don't want to be! I reacted wrong and you're already having a really rough time and it was selfish of me. I'm sorry, Sayori."

When she looked back up at Sayori's eyes to see if she was to be met with the same grim expression she had last seen her with, she was surprised to find that Sayori was the one who was holding back tears now. She sniffed and with a wail leapt forward to bring Monika into a vise-like grip, burying her face into her shoulder and letting out a low whine as she muttered apologies between sobs. The laptop lay by Monika's legs, forgotten. She was so caught off guard that it took a second to remember to comfort Sayori, and she gently began rocking the both of them on their air mattress.

"I-I'm sorry, Moni!" Sayori said as she pulled her face back from the blotchy tear stain she had left on Monika's sweater. "I know I was ignoring you and distancing myself and had made you feel bad, but I-I didn't mean to hurt you! I care about you so much, and I really don't want you to th- to think I don't! My brain just k-kept yelling at me, and I couldn't think straight and I just wanted to shut down because I couldn't keep pretending that it didn't bother me… but it did, it really did." Her breathing was becoming rapid and Monika, fearing a panic attack, gently wrapped her arms around Sayori and returned a single kiss to her forehead. She pulled Sayori so that she was lying on her chest and laid back against their plethora of pillows, stroking and running her hand through Sayori's still wet hair.

"We both reacted poorly." Monika acknowledged in a soothing tone she reserved almost solely for Sayori. "Let's just relax, since neither one of us is mad at the other, and do what we should've done in the first place and just communicate. Does that sound okay to you?" Sayori nodded with a sniffle, digging herself a little deeper into Monika. "Alright, good. Go on ahead then, just talk to me. As much or as little as you feel comfortable doing. Do you want reassurance and advice, or for me to just listen and be here for you?"

Sayori nodded again, took a deep breath, and began anew. "Um, just listening, if that's okay. Alright. So, Mom uh, Mom told me that this kind of thing would happen. A lot." At Monika's questioning look she added, "On the way home from the hospital, when she found out I like girls as well as guys. She said, 'People are always going to look at you differently, and nobody will take the time to understand. You're going to be targeted and harassed, and the Gods won't try and help you if you don't try and help yourself by getting better, so you might as well learn how to hide it.' But I… I don't know. I almost thought she was trying to be encouraging, back then." She gave a hollow sort of chuckle at that, but Monika could tell she was searching for the right words to say next, and allowed her that time.

"I don't think I believed her, you know. I thought 'Well it's not like she's bi, how would she know?' But then that incident at school where Hasegawa started messing with me when he heard I had depression and was bi. I kinda thought that was just a coincidence, but I get weird looks sometimes. Most people don't care, but every now and again I swear someone will laugh behind me and…" Her voice trailed off, but Monika knew what she was getting at. Sayori shook her head. "I've never had someone flat out insult me because of who I like. I should've ignored it today, just laughed it off, but it… it hurt, Monika. It hurt a lot that someone thinks there's something wrong with me for what makes me happy, when there's so little that does.

And then I made you feel bad because I was too scared to hold your hand, because then I started to think maybe everyone secretly felt that way. That I was doing wrong and should be punished for it. I didn't want them to hurt me, or you, or you get in another fight." Monika felt cold fingers slip between hers and squeeze gently. "Everything started getting really rainy, really fast. My head kept telling me things about… well, I've not been very stable lately. I'm sure you've noticed, ehehe. And now I made people worry, I made you worry, I made Yuri and Natsuki worry, I even made those twins worry about me all because I couldn't suck it up and smile like I'm supposed to! They don't even know me!" Her hands balled up into fists that she buried into her eyes and Monika held her just a little tighter. She seemed to slump in Monika's arms after a minute and went silent.

For a time they just laid there, with Sayori crying and mumbling words like, "useless" and "It's no good, it's no good!" while Monika held onto her and her hands tightly, only ever letting go to brush some of the tears away or to run her fingers gently through Sayori's hair to calm her. She had a hundred questions and reassurances she wanted to give Sayori, to try and give the briefest respite from her torment. But she had agreed to be a listener, and listen she did. She listened to the gentle beating of Sayori's heart, she listened to the little hiccups and gasps that came from crying too hard, and most of all she listened to the soft apologies that slipped through Sayori's lips. She listened to each one, and it was during these that she would interrupt to kiss Sayori's head and tell her the honest truth she needed to hear.

"I forgive you." She would whisper. "I'm here for you. If you need me close, I'll be there, and if you need distance, I'll give you your space until you're ready." Until eventually the cries died down to shallow breaths, and Sayori turned around to wrap her arms around Monika. She raised her head, wiping the leftover tears from her eyes as she stared at Monika with a very serious look. Monika stared back. It was almost like she was searching for something within her very soul, trying to find the truth to a question she did not dare ask. She looked unsure, confused even, regarding Monika like a book whose words were written in a language she did not understand.

"I really care about you." Sayori said in a soft voice. "I care about you so much, and that's so scary, Monika. I know you care about me too, and honestly, that's even more terrifying. The fact that you like me seems so unreal, even now. I keep looking over and wondering when I'll wake up or when you will and realize how much of a burden I am. How much time I take up. I'm not the cute bubbly little girl, you know that… I'm like a pot of boiling water that's just spilling over. And you…" Her voice caught in her throat and she gave Monika a smile that was so visibly filled with pain. "You can't fix me, Monika."

"I have never wanted to fix you." Monika said firmly, bringing a hand up to cup Sayori's cheek. "Never. You're not something to fix, Sayori. That's not to say that there's nothing wrong with you." She added quickly as Sayori opened her mouth to argue. "You have depression. You've been harassed and made to feel like a stranger in your own family, and learned at a very young age to set your own worth based on how much you can help other people. You went so long without having your needs met that now prioritizing yourself at all feels selfish. But I didn't fall for you because I saw something to fix."

"But I'm broken-"

"Yes, you are. And that is what I fell for. Not your illness specifically, but all of you. Not the concept of you that had no problems or flaws and was always smiles and rainbows." She could see Sayori's eyes watering again, but she did not stop. "I like you, flaws and all. I didn't confess to you thinking that if you were depressed for the rest of your life that I'd have wasted my time. I did it thinking, 'If she never gets her depression cured, I'd be happy to know that I could make one day better. If I can hold her hand and let her know that at least she doesn't have to fight this battle alone, then I'm happy.'"

A single warm tear dripped down on Monika's cheek, as Sayori's eyes softly closed once more in resignation. Monika's voice became very breathy "It's like… the snow outside. That snow was always cold, me saying that it's cold doesn't make it so, I don't have an affect on that. But if I do say that it's cold, I'm not creating that, I'm just… admitting it. Acknowledging that it's cold." She brought her other hand up to Sayori, cupping her cheeks and gently lowering her down until her face was comfortably set in the crook of her shoulder. "So, when I say that you have worth to me, and to other people, that's not just because I say it. It's because it just is. It's not me manifesting your worth, just acknowledging that it's there even if you can't see it yet. Even if you never see it. That's why I'm here."

For a moment Sayori merely laid atop of Monika who stroked her hair absently while listening to the sounds of their hearts beating together. It was bliss, of course, it was the vulnerability of showing how horrible they were and accepting one another, as they always had. Yet something was different, from the little hesitations in Sayori's movements to the way she clutched at Monika tighter than she ever had, and Monika knew that now was the time to ask. She was sure that with everything they had said, Sayori would either be ready to share it now, or she never would.

"Hey." At first she worried she hadn't spoken up enough, but slowly Sayori raised her head to meet Monika's eyes. "What's been bothering you, Sunflower? What was your brain yelling at you in the game center?" She knew how to put two and two together, she could pinpoint when Sayori's depression had started affecting her worse and worse and when she had become more distant with her. "What happened when you snuck into your house? Did your mom catch you?"

Sayori winced, clearly not having expected Monika to be able to connect the dots so well. They swapped looks with one another, Monika's that of firm determination, and Sayori's a resigned defeat. She rose up from the bed and crawled over Monika to grab ahold of her disregarded laptop, propping it up on both of their laps evenly. She reached over to scroll on the trackpad, clicking on three little dots in the top right portion of the browser, and scrolling through her history.

"No, she didn't. Mom was using my computer." She muttered darkly. "Dad had one, but I think he took it with him when they separated. So she was using mine and had left it downstairs on the coffee table, and I had to go looking around just to find it. I didn't want you to know, because I was worried how you'd react. How you would feel about, well, us." The date read as the twenty-fourth of October, and there was a single search query listed under it:

'What to do if daughter is homosexual'

Sayori scrolled up slightly to the next date, roughly a week after the first just after Halloween. This time there was more than just one search entry.

'Divorce Lawyer'

'Divorce Lawyer in Yakumo'

'Good Divorce Lawyer in Yakumo'

'Cheap Divorce Lawyer in Yakumo'

It was almost comical, looking at Sayori's mother's searches that showed just how often she used the internet, but the look on Sayori's face prevented her from so much as chuckling. Sayori scrolled up again, this time in the middle of November.

'How to make daughter straight'

'Can you pray away someone's homosexuality'

'Group Prayer for health'

'Group Prayer for Homosexuality'

'Hokkaido programs for sexual reparative therapy'

Monika's eyes narrowed. She suddenly didn't want to look any more at the search history of Sayori's mother anymore, but she knew she had to. She couldn't look away, when Sayori was already struggling to look at her or the screen. She sighed beside Monika and said, "This was the tab that was open when I… when I grabbed my computer."

'Sapporo Camp Liberty contact number'

"That's…" Monika muttered, not wanting to say it out loud.

"A camp specializing in sexual reformation." Sayori confirmed with a nod. "I guess the idea never left Mom's head. So, if my dad loses the custody battle over me, I guess this is where she'll be sending me. She might even want to move since it's a good three hours away from here, ehehe." Her laughter was dry, her voice hollow and weak as though she was a dead girl walking. Monika realized with a pang that she had indeed resigned herself to her fate, had grimly come to terms with what would happen if her mother won. The nights she had turned to find Sayori crying and apologizing in bed with her now had a new meaning.

Sayori didn't cry, she just had that familiar sad smile on her face that Monika recognized from the numerous times she had seen it staring back at her in the game. Once again, Sayori had accepted that she was not allowed to be happy, that her love was not one she was allowed to indulge in. Monika had done no such thing however, she had spent the past three months giving her heart and soul into making each and every one of her friends as happy as possible. She had not always succeeded, and sometimes she had acted more in her own interests than of theirs, but on the whole liked to believe that she was truly capable of doing good. For them.

Monika clapped her hands together, surprisingly unperturbed about the situation. A part of her had always feared this possibility ever since Sayori had mentioned that her parents had considered the option, and now it was here. The chance that Sayori would be taken from her. She could fight it. She could always fight these things. She would fight it, and she didn't care what she had to do to achieve it.

"Alright. That's… well, I guess we need to get to work then, don't we?" Monika said, forcing a grin for Sayori's sake. "You know, I was already thinking of something this afternoon, so I guess all that's changed is the consequences of us failing. Talk about pressure!" She took a deep breath and pulled out her phone, Sayori was giving her a look that stated quite plainly she was utterly confused by Monika's reaction. Monika wasn't paying attention however, she was too busy texting Yuri to make sure she and Natsuki had gotten home okay as well as checking to see if they could use her library tomorrow.

"I don't… huh?" Sayori asked, peeking over at Monika's phone. "What are you talking about? Don't you… don't you want to break up with me now, knowing what's going to happen? Why are we going to Yuri's I- Monika, I'm really confused!" Sayori was almost pouting now, but Monika leaned forward and kissed her girlfriend smack on the lips. Her girlfriend. Sayori was flabbergasted, but Monika simply finished her text and withdrew the covers so that she could get up. "Are you not taking this seriously?"

Monika turned on a dime to Sayori, her face lined with a drive to persevere. "I am taking this more seriously than I have almost anything else, Say. I'm getting me, you, and Yuri together tomorrow so we can talk by the way, fair warning. But I mean it, I'm going to dedicate every bit of my spare time to ensuring your happiness and comfort after this. You deserve it."

If anyone has experience with this kind of thing, it's her. I'm sure she has to have some books on the subject, on religion and laws regarding the legal guardianship of parents who subject their children to this kind of therapy. If I have to read every book in her little library to find a way to convince your mother she's wrong, well, so be it. I will never let any of you ever be harmed again so long as I'm breathing. She had just turned to enter into their hallway kitchen when Sayori's hand found hers.

When she turned around she was pleasantly surprised to find Sayori's lips on hers again, but there was a spark of something she hadn't expected within her kiss: hope. There were tears in her eyes again but they weren't cascading, merely welling up within the corners as she embraced Monika fully. She hugged Monika tight as they stood in the kitchen, and when she relinquished Monika from her grasp she saw that her girlfriend had the tiniest ghost of a smile on her face. It was full of fear, of anxiety and uncertainty, but it was a smile, and it was genuine.

"You're such a doofus." Sayori whispered. "Why… why do you care so much about us? About me, about Natsuki, and Yuri? You're just… I don't know, you're still Monika, but it's like you're something new too. I just… why are you going to such lengths for us? Aren't you scared?" Monika smirked and kissed Sayori back, pulling them both into the kitchen so that she could get started on dinner; they hadn't eaten out after all and she knew the kind of appetite Sayori had.

"I'm terrified, Sunflower." Monika admitted as she pulled out the eggs. "But my resolve to see you smile and be happy, and them as well, that's greater than any kind of fear that I can muster. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I stay by your side, remember?" The smell of sizzling eggs and soy sauce began to fill the room, and Monika tried to hide the fact that her hands were shaking. That her heart was beating out of her chest. "This is my job, you know. It's what I was brought here for." Sayori leaned back and kissed the back of Monika's neck, eliciting a small shiver from her that seemed to make her hands shake even more for some reason.

For a moment all was silent aside from the cozy sound of cooking food and the snow piling up outside. Monika was sure they were both thinking, both worried and terrified for the future, but both trying their best to remain strong for the time they had together. Monika knew it would be okay, she would not stop until she was certain Sayori was okay, and she didn't care who or what got in her way. No matter what the cost, she would not fail this time.

From just behind her, softly resting against her back as she cooked, Monika heard Sayori whisper a single solitary sentence that made her heart flutter. It made her both confident and terrified, though she wouldn't admit it, and found herself eternally thankful Sayori could not see her own tears as she slyly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve.

"Thank you for loving me."

---

A.N: Hey everyone! I hope you're enjoying For the Longest Time. I wanted to address two things going forward, that concerning the story. We're in the home stretch here, and I think we have maybe six or so chapters left. Maybe less, maybe more, but I wanted to apologize for the recent slowness of the past few chapters. I realize it might seem as though the story is stretching on and the plot is being dragged along, but I promise I have no intentions of letting this story overstay it's welcome. What may seem like simple fluff are the wrapping ups of certain plot points from the story, parts that I think deserve to be closed down before the end of For the Longest Time. The next few chapters will probably be the most intense of this story, and as I am still an amateur writer, I admit my pacing of certain sections here at the end could have been written and worked better. I apologize, and can only promise that the end of this story will more than make up for it. Thank you all so much for reading! See you in three weeks!