For the Longest Time

by Social Coyote

Monika is back in the literature club after having been deleted, but the world she finds herself in is not the game nor reality, but some surreal mixture of the two. Monika will have to prove she's willing to face her own flaws as well as her clubmates' for a chance at a happy ending. After all, a poem never is never actually finished, it just stops moving.

25. Sayonara

Chapter 25: Sayonara

The chapter where goodbyes are forced.

---

She closed her eyes. Four hours of invasive and personal questions that seemed so pointless in the moment.

"What's your name?"

"Where are you from?"

"What are you doing here?"

Who cared? Who cared who she was, or where she was from? What did it matter what her last name was or how long she had lived here? Those questions might as well have been asked to someone in a chance encounter along a forest trail or out by the seaside. They did nothing to help with the problem at hand, and in Monika's mind that meant they were hindering the answer of the most important question in the world right now. The question that no matter what she asked, or who she begged, she would not get a straight answer for.

"Is Natsuki okay? My other friends?"

So when they would not answer her question, she would not answer theirs. A matter of stubborn principle and defiance, one that Natsuki no doubt would've been proud of.

"I'm afraid I'll be the one asking questions, Miss. Why don't we start instead with what you were doing there? Did you know Ms. Kisaragi was in a life-threatening situation?"

"Go fuck yourself."

They hadn't liked that. A part of Monika knew that these were people doing their jobs, going down the line with questions and protocols they were trained and paid to do, but in her eyes they were just as guilty as she was for what had transpired. How many calls from concerned neighbors, teachers, school faculty, had been issued? How many times had these people failed to lift Natsuki out of her situation before it got out of hand? How many times had they been given the opportunity to do good, only to shrug their shoulders and say, "Well, nothing we can do." until it was too late like now? Yes, it was much easier to blame the people whose responsibility it was to help others as opposed to sit and mull over every mistake she had made that could've prevented what happened.

"Why did your friend, Ms. Okumura, have a knife on her?"

Question. Dodge. Repeat. Question. Dodge. Repeat. She was sure had she been more compliant, more willing to help in the investigation, she would have had her answer sooner than giving evil eyes and refusing to speak until she knew Natsuki was alright. Time seemed to slow to a halt and speed up to an inconceivable pace at random intervals, time would slink on by turning one hour into several, only for the next hour to whizz by so fast she was certain the clock was broken. Was Sayori being interrogated? What had she said? Yuri had been found with her knife, and she could only imagine the accusations and assumptions that would be made from that one little nugget of evidence.

She had finally been granted counsel with an officer who, in Monika's eyes, had enough decency to skip any cliched routines or insist that Monika had attempted to murder a full grown man like the previous officer had pressed upon. Instead she had walked into the room where Monika was being questioned with pressed lips and a mug that she slid across the table to Monika before sitting down in the empty chair, and writing on a clipboard she had held under her arms.

Monika stared at the woman, and then at the mug. It smelled like coffee, bitter and earthy with just the smallest tang of sweetness wafting up from it. When she glanced up at the mug, the woman was staring at her with a small but pleasant smile on her lips. Her face showed the slightest signs of age with crows feet at the corners of her eyes, while small wisps of gray lined the short blonde hair that she ran a hand through.

"Hello, Monika. I'm Officer Kondo, and I was called to the Kisaragi residence this morning for a call that your friend, Ms. Moriyama, made in regards to Ms. Kisaragi being in danger. We've already spoken to her and Ms. Okumura and would like to know your version of the events, if that's okay?"

Her voice had been firm, but not unkind. It reminded Monika of Ms. Fujita a little, and though she had wanted to soften and give in, she would not. She could not, until she knew about the others.

"Are my friends okay?" She had asked for the umpteenth time. "What happened to them?" She had been so ready for another dismissal, a lecture about how she was supposed to answer the questions if she wanted to know. For the adults to be in charge. How long had she been there already? Two hours? Three? But instead Officer Kondo had smiled and nodded knowingly.

"Ah, I was told we had someone who was being uncooperative with questioning." Officer Kondo had popped her knuckles and nodded towards the cup of coffee. "I see you're a student at Yakumo High. My nephew, Kondo Itsuki, is in your year I believe. Do you know him?" Monika did know him, but she hadn't budged. Didn't they understand? Couldn't they grant her one simple request? Officer Kondo had stared, and Monika had done the same. They had stared and stared at one another until Monika was almost certain they'd have been able to sketch out the other from memory when Officer Kondo broke away and shrugged, as though beaten in a long debate.

"I see. You've been through a lot, and nobody is giving you so much as a consideration. It's all about what we want, right?" Without waiting for Monika to answer, or perhaps because she suspected she wouldn't, she had continued on. "Alright, Miss… huh, no family name? That can't be right. Well, Miss Monika, if I may speak so casually, I'll cut you a deal. Nobody thinks you or your friends cut Mr. Kisaragi down, but we have had to take precautions and do our due diligence while we wait on our forensics and investigation teams to properly assess the crime scene. So, I'll answer your questions, and in return, all I ask is you answer mine. Fair deal?"

Adults were always offering deals with her, it seemed, just to get what they wanted. Monika still hadn't said anything. Was she just being stubborn at this point in not speaking, or was she purposely delaying the inevitable? Did a part of her refuse to speak because she didn't want to know the fate of Natsuki, terrified of what the outcome would be? But even her fear and trepidation could not stop her from wanting to know if Sayori and Yuri were alright as well, if they had already been released or if they were still trapped just like her. Slowly, she nodded.

"I want to know if my friends are okay." Monika had stated simply. Officer Kondo simply nodded.

"Fair enough. Your friend, Ms. Moriyama, has given us her version of events and her parents have been contacted to pick her up." Monika had felt her stomach drop like a weight at that. She remembered hoping beyond hope that they had called her father first, at least. The last thing they needed was the police involved with Sayori's family. "Ms. Okumura is still in questioning regarding her version of the events that led up to the event that took place this morning, and her family has been informed about the incident as well. Ms. Kisaragi, on the other hand, is…"

Monika opened her eyes. After hours being spent questioned, it had been both a breath of fresh air and a sucker punch to the gut when she had been released from detainment; relief at her freedom, and a knot in her stomach at how she would face the rest of the day by herself. Yuri was still speaking to the police when she had left, and Sayori was already gone after being picked up. To her relief, Mr. Moriyama had been the closest and had reached Sayori first, but the police had been insistent that Sayori make sure to stay at home for the rest of the day. Monika didn't blame her father for wanting her to spend the night at his house, given any of the circumstances, but she still could not help but feel a familiar loneliness when she unlocked her apartment door that evening. Alone. She closed her eyes again.

It's just until tomorrow, and tomorrow has to come eventually, She had continuously told herself, staring at the clock on her phone beside the blowup mattress. As thankful as she was for not having to go to school the next day, it only seemed to make the night all the longer. She had yet to hear from Yuri, and Sayori had long since gone to sleep after texting Monika goodnight, which left her alone with only her thoughts to occupy her. Her lovely, helpful, and always courteous thoughts that would swirl around in her head and tell her how everything that had gone wrong was all her fault. Always her fault. Always one more mistake to make up for.

Her eyes opened. Tomorrow had indeed come, and she sat in an uncomfortable wooden chair beside a hospital bed not for the first time as she looked upon the frail and tiny body before her. Each breath Natsuki took seemed to strain her immensely, even with the tube they had placed over her mouth and nose to alleviate some of the duress on her lungs. Alive, but only just. Her pink hair that had once seemed so bright and spunky now looked dull and stringy, her regular tails had likely been taken out by the doctors, allowing her hair to flow freely all the way down to her shoulders. It wasn't the first time she had seen Natsuki look battered and broken, but it was certainly the worst state she had ever seen her in. To Monika she almost looked like a completely different person. Did her cheeks always have that sunken look? Was her skin always so pale, as though she still couldn't get warm beneath the hospital blankets?

She wanted to say something to her, but what did she say? What apology sufficed for failing to protect her as she had silently promised all those months ago? Whereas with Sayori she had been able to bring about a new side to herself in order to be better, here she was already trying as hard as she could. And it had simply not been enough. Did that mean Natsuki's suffering was inevitable, or was she only convincing herself that she had done her best to fend off the rest of the guilt? Monika heard the sound of a quiet knock on the wooden door in the corner of the room that snapped her out of her thoughts, and she looked up. She was secretly hoping to see Sayori appear on the other side, but Monika was surprised to see the familiar face of Doctor Sakaguchi, a kindly smile on his worn face as he quietly closed the door behind him. Monika immediately stood and bowed low in recognition and appreciation as she greeted him.

"Well now, I normally don't enjoy seeing my patients again since I'm usually cutting them open, but this is a pleasant surprise indeed. Monika, is that right?" He asked, peering closer at her. Monika nodded. "How good to see you again! Let's see, laceration on the back of the hand, and some nasty abrasions on the back of your thigh, right? Looks like your hand has healed up nice and good, but you'll forgive me if I don't ask to check the rest of you." Monika forced a smile at his lightheartedness, but the whirring and beeping of the machines surrounding Natsuki forced her focus on the reason they were there.

"Dr. Sakaguchi?" She asked. The doctor had a clipboard in hand and was filtering through some of the papers at it, and gave a grunt to acknowledge he was listening. "Is uh… is my friend going to be okay?" The smile on Dr. Sakaguchi's face faltered for a minute, and Monika's hopes seemed to vanish with it. He turned to her, looking between her and Natuki's bedside as if weighing on the decision to speak, when finally he answered her question.

"Ms. Kisaragi has experienced severe physical trauma in the past seventy-two hours, and were this a girl as healthy and fit as you are then we might be able to give a happier diagnosis." He sucked in a breath and shook his head, flipping another page on the clipboard. "As it stands, she clearly has not been getting the proper nutrition, exercise, or rest, for quite a while. This in line with the fact that she's still recovering from severe hypothermia from exposure to the cold means we haven't been able to operate yet – the orbital fracture she's received is likely going to suffer for this, but if we try to conduct surgery while she's not fully out of the hypothermic state yet we're likely to risk further injury to her vital organs, or her death. There are rare cases of retinas healing on their own, but I don't think this poor girl's body has the healing capabilities for it I'm afraid."

Monika nodded. It was no more than she expected: a non-direct answer with low hopes. A part of her however, perhaps the hopeful and emotional side that Sayori was so good at bringing out, asked the hard question. "But… but even if she loses her eyesight, she's going to be okay after that, right?" Doctor Sakaguchi gave her a sad smile, and Monika was sure he had given it to both patients and visitors alike a hundred times before. He ran a hand through his bristly gray hair and after a moment of seemingly trying to properly convey the words, he motioned towards Natsuki.

"I wish I could give you a definitive, so that you wouldn't be held in such suspense over your friend. The truth is we're too early to be making calls on whether she'll walk away from this or not. Aspergillosis, pneumonia, a plethora of contusions, glass splinters around her already broken orbital." He listed each injury off his finger, and each one seemed to squeeze Monika's heart tighter and tighter. "Not to mention the fractured ankle she has. These are all very distressing to hear, I'm sure, but… this is what your friend is fighting against. When she awakes, her mental state is going to be just as critical as her physical. I'm sure you can take a guess as to why?"

"Because psychological stress often greatly impacts the healing process." Monika stated. It wasn't an answer she knew from Yuri, surprisingly, but one that she had known from ages past. "So… so if she becomes mentally burdened, she may not get better?" Doctor Sakaguchi nodded grimly.

"And when this poor girl wakes up for the first time, and don't worry, she will wake, she is going to be faced with many burdening revelations." He said, nodding towards Natsuki again. "The staff, and any visitors she receives, is forbidden from informing her of her father's passing until she shows better signs of being able to emotionally cope, and won't put herself at risk. Normally withholding information from a patient is highly unethical, but in this scenario, keeping her at a healthy and sane mindset is one of the many things we need to do to ensure Ms. Kisaragi has a fighting chance. And trust me, we will do everything in our power to aid Ms. Kisaragi and ensure she gets better." With that, Doctor Sakaguchi straightened his coat and began to head back towards the door.

Monika stood at Natsuki's bedside for a moment longer, staring at the discolored face of her friend, wishing a hundred times over that she could take the pain and misery Natsuki was suffering from and deal with it for her. But she could not. With a whispered promise that they would see each other again soon, Monika departed from Natsuki's bedside while desperately hoping fate would allow her to keep her promise. Doctor Sakaguchi held the door for her, and they both departed the room in even steps as they passed two nurses who seemed to be headed to Natsuki's room. As Monika left the ICU, she waved a farewell to Doctor Sakaguchi, once again enwrapped in the bitter chill of loneliness as she pulled out her phone and called for a taxi. It was time to go home.

The ride home was sullen, morose even. Neither Sayori nor Yuri were responding to her texts and she could not help but feel a stab of annoyance at the both of them. After what had just happened with Natsuki, how could either of them blow her off? Did they want her to worry about them? Did they not care how she felt, silently wondering if she was making another mistake by not blowing up their phones wondering why on earth they weren't there at the hospital with her? And yet she could not hold onto that anger, not when she knew neither one would purposefully dodge Monika's messages if it weren't for a good reason. But that merely led Monika to wonder what were the reasons that they couldn't respond? Were they in danger too? She doubted it, and yet she had expressed doubt at Natsuki's risk as well, and she only had to remember the hospital room to see where that had got her.

When she arrived at her apartment building, she walked steadily up to her door on the ground floor. Perhaps she could take a nap, and when she awoke one of them would have finally responded. Then again, if she slept the afternoon away and neither one had messaged still she wasn't sure how she would feel then. It was as she raised her key to unlock the door that she heard a voice on the other side, and with a jolt she recognized it was Sayori's. The fact that she was talking to someone sent a chill down her spine, and memories of a nightmare from Yuri's spare bedroom flashed in her mind.

Calm down, listen. Don't barge in on an assumption.

Monika took a deep breath, and then released. She was already hopped up on her emotions, and acting upon them would be nothing short of foolish, so instead she crept forward and placed her ear against the door. Her breath and her heartbeat seemed so loud, so likely to give her away, but whatever was going on was clearly sucking up Sayori's attention more than any subtle presses against the door were.

"- not my fault I can't remember!" Sayori was assuring. "But you've just sprung this on me after my friend nearly died! I can't- no, that's not it! No." Her voice was traveling back and forth, and Monika imagined her pacing beside the blowup mattress. "It's not like that, I've been like this. No, I have! I'm finally doing something with myself, and I feel good about it! It's not a lot but I'm actually smiling. You don't even know what that means to me- no, I'm sorry! I just- I said I was sorry!" There was a pause, one so long that for a second Monika thought that maybe the call had ended until finally Sayori spoke up again. "No! No no no no no, that's not- I don't want that! I'm not talking back- that has nothing to do with it, I'm just trying to- and I get that! I really do! But I'm not doing it. This is my-"

Another pause. "But… you wouldn't. No, no you can't, she… please." The desire to throw the door open increased tenfold as she realized very quickly that Sayori was sniffling through her words. "Alright… okay. I'll… when is it? I asked when it is, when you want me to- but that's not even two weeks! I… no, no I'll be ready." All for a quiet for a moment, and Monika heard whoever was on the other end repeat something. They repeated it again, louder, and finally Sayori mumbled out a "Love you too." that signaled the end of the conversation. Had their bed not been so close to the door, Monika was sure she wouldn't have heard the muffled sobbing that indicated Sayori had flopped onto the mattress.

For a minute she sat with her back against the door, her arms held loosely around her knees as she listened to her girlfriend cry in silence. It was cold, and the wind cut through her clothing like claws and teeth, but she refused to go inside just yet. Sayori deserved a few minutes to cry to herself, a few minutes to mourn… whatever it was that she had discussed on the phone. And yet, Monika knew who it was, as much as she tried to convince herself that it was someone else, something entirely unrelated. Because when it rained, it poured, and so when Natsuki was on the verge of life and death it was only fitting that Sayori's mother would make her move. Like a tormenting game of real life chess, and the Queen was closing in.

After a few minutes, Monika could take the cold no longer and stood up to unlock the door. Her idea had been to act completely ignorant to the situation she had overheard, to put on a fake smile and then a look of shock and concern over seeing her girlfriend in such a state of duress, but the smile fell to pieces before she opened the door. Sayori was lying on the bed, eyes still filled to the brim with tears that she couldn't bring herself to cover up.

In an instant Monika was there, walking around the bed and throwing her arms around her girlfriend so fast that she was sure it was some kind of secret power everyone learned when they fell in love. It did nothing to alleviate the pain that came with Natsuki, with Sayori's mother, but it did fill the feeling of emptiness and of being alone that Monika had been battling since the day before. For a second Sayori did not hug back, and Monika feared that Sayori might be too upset to return the hug, but to her great relief Sayori slowly wrapped her arms around her too and squeezed her tight. Tighter than she had ever squeezed Monika as long as they had known one another. For a long while they simply lay there, as though they had been parted for a great many weeks, taking in the feeling of one another's warmth, Monika caressing Sayori's hair and wiping away her tears while Sayori simply clung to her girlfriend for dear life.

Sayori didn't bother asking how Monika knew, whether because she suspected she had been listening or simply didn't care, Monika didn't know. Instead, after a time that might have been a few minutes or an hour, Sayori lifted her head and pressed a single watery kiss to Monika's cheek.

"Hey." She whispered. "I'm sorry… I wanted to come by and be with you, I really did, but yesterday was just…" She gave a shake of the head and put on one of her heart-breaking forced smiles that Monika despised so much. "Well, yeah. You can guess, huh? How's uh… how's Natsuki?"

"Alive." Monika told her. For now. Sayori gave a great sigh of relief and laid her head back against the pillow she had been sobbing into. As the two girls settled into more comfortable cuddling positions, Monika took out her phone and opened it to a page she had been looking up at the hospital. "Fractured ankle, likely from where she jumped out the window. Um, multiple contusions… I think those are bruises. And apparently it looks like Yuri was right after all about her having something, because they said she has something called 'Aspergillosis' which from what I looked up is an infection caused by inhaling black mold. It shows up on spoiled food so, you know, it's not hard to guess where she got it from."

Sayori did not wince, she only continued to hug Monika tight as though she were afraid of her girlfriend ending up in the hospital as well with a hopeless sort of look in her eyes. "Gosh. I'm honestly amazed she's alive after all that, and being out in the cold no less." Monika could tell by her voice she was trying to remain optimistic.

"Well, the doctors think she's developed pneumonia from it too." Monika mumbled, remembering what Doctor Sakaguchi had told her. "That, on top of the fact that she was out there in the cold for so long like you said and how malnourished she was. I guess neither the doctors nor police think she was in that shed for more than a single night though. Something about her vitals…" She sighed and sank into Sayori's grasp, relishing the warmth that it brought. She desperately needed it right now. "God, I wish Yuri had been there. She could probably tell us about every little scrape and cut on her and how they likely occurred. Have you uh, heard from Yuri? By chance?" She tried to sound casual on the matter, but the fact that she had not personally received so much as a text from their friend worried her after what had happened with Natsuki. Was she in trouble too? Or did she blame Monika for what happened?

You're the one who told her to wait. Idiot.

Sayori shook her head. "No, actually. I was hoping you had, but she hasn't messaged me yet. I think she may be in trouble with her brother…" She frowned, as if she was trying to concentrate on something that was escaping her, but quickly returned back to the conversation. "I um… I talked with dad while I was over at his house. I guess he's uh, he lost the custody battle and Mom called me and… I don't remember that phone call. I don't remember a lot of yesterday evening, honestly, which is really, really, scary. Guess that's why she called a few minutes ago, to remind me to show up in court."

Monika raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "That's all it was? I thought it had something to do with her… plan, or whatever, to move away. I didn't even know you needed to do that…" But Sayori just shrugged and looked away.

"I didn't either until now. I'll have to take the fourth of January off of school to go and see them and… and I guess tell the court or whichever service office that I ran away. So please don't let me forget."

Monika nodded. It struck her how little they had practiced keeping her memory active, activities that were supposed to keep her mind fresh and on top of things had fallen to the side in lieu of events and emergencies where there was always another one lying in wait. They had gotten distracted; shirked their responsibilities and if they weren't careful they would pay the price for that leniency. Sayori had gone quiet again, and Monika wanted nothing more than to just lay with her girlfriend for the rest of the day, to leave all their worries and problems behind them in the waking world and just enjoy the love and warmth that came with being with the other. But that was a luxury they had already splurged on.

"Well, we could try and fix that by practicing those memory exercises." Monika said. "Get your brain up and going, try and keep it active, you know?" She stood and stretched from the mattress, balancing her way off of it until she reached the stack of flashcards she had made and saw them sitting just beside the same group of books they had borrowed from Yuri two days prior. Monika turned back to Sayori. "Or we could look through the books Yuri lent us. It sounds like we may need those sooner than later… maybe when you go to the court that'd be a good day to try and convince your mom?" Sayori let out a muffled scoff from her place on the mattress and shook her head.

"There's no point…" She mumbled. "It doesn't matter how many passages we find of the Gods and Goddess being gay, that's not going to change her mind." The hopelessness and despair in her voice made Monika feel both infuriated and heartbroken, hearing the way her words just seemed to fall out was so unlike Sayori's usual manner of speaking. It was the sound of giving up. "She's pretty much won the custody battle, and all we're doing now is wasting what little time we have left before she starts changing everything."

Monika couldn't believe what she was hearing, not even during the worst episodes of Sayori's depression had she even expressed the desire to quit. She felt a heat rise within her cheeks at Sayori's declaration that all the hard work she had been trying to put forward for them was a waste of time.

"Well at least I'm doing something!" Monika bit back. "If we just sit back and give up, then yeah, she is going to change everything for us, but that's why I'm trying to push us to work on showing her your homosexuality isn't a burden! For you!"

"It's not going to work, Monika!" Sayori snapped, slamming her pillow on her legs. "I know my mom, okay?! It isn't just that I'm bi, it's that I'm depressed too! Once she finds out I'm having memory issues she's going to blame that on me somehow too, I know it! It's what she always does! It'll be, 'Oh, you wouldn't have amnesia if you got help Sayori! That's the Gods' way of telling you you've done something wrong!' or 'You never would've been pushed to that bridge if you hadn't been abnormal, Sayori! That's why we need to fix you!'. You don't know my mom, Monika. She isn't some storybook villain who can be convinced to change her mind, she's a human with thoughts and experiences that have built up over years to make the person she is now."

Monika wanted to scream. Why was it always so unfair? Was she truly just incapable of winning even the smallest of battles? It seemed like for every good thing that happened, two bad things had to take their place. She had celebrated Sayori's birthday, seen her girlfriend turn eighteen, connected with her physically and emotionally in a way she never had with anyone before, only for Natsuki to nearly die. She ignored Sayori and took one of the books at random and slid against the wall, sitting with her legs crossed as she tried to focus on the pages Yuri had personally tabbed for her.

You failed your mission of protecting Natsuki, a voice in her head whispered to her. Now you're fighting a losing battle because Sayori just wants to pout and give up. So why are you still trying? Dumb mutt, you never know when to quit. You're still a wolf, stubborn and only able to harm instead of help.

For a few minutes they were both silent, pondering and revolving in their own thoughts as they had both grown accustomed to throughout their lives. Monika tried to focus on her book, but the fact that she had opened it up to not look at Sayori kept clouding her brain with all the reasons she was upset in the first place. She thought of Yuri who was probably getting chewed out by her older brother, of Natsuki laying in a freezing shed and dying while she had been busy having sex when she knew damn well something was probably wrong.

Some friend you are, worried more about getting laid and birthdays than if your friend is alive. Monika peeked up from the top of the book that was failing to distract her, and saw Sayori was still lying on the mattress, her messy hair conveniently covering her eyes as she held onto Mr. Cow just a little too tight to not raise suspicion. Monika hoped Sayori wasn't putting any of the blame on herself, and when she thought that Sayori might just be thinking the same thing about her, she sighed inwardly and shut the book. She had never been good at staying mad at anyone, much less Sayori of all people.

And yet, she could not bring herself to crawl back over to the mattress and into Sayori's arms to take the place of Mr. Cow. It would be admitting defeat, in a way, admitting that Sayori was right and that they had no hope of winning over her mother. She wouldn't accept that. She couldn't accept that. So instead she continued to sit against the wall and re-opened the book, her eyes glazing over the words and scriptures over and over until she could not tell the difference between Amaterasu and Ame-no-Uzume, and felt her eyes closing just to break from the words that swam around her in the stuffy heat of the room.

Her nap had felt instantaneous, but the drowsiness seemed to consume her and made her feel as though she had slept through the night. She knew from the light peeking in behind the curtains that she hadn't been asleep for more than an hour, but the spot she had fallen asleep in was now covered by the comforter she kept on her bed, and the snoozing frame of Sayori was warm and familiar against her shoulder. She couldn't help but smile, glad to know that even when they argued, Sayori still loved her. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and kissed Sayori's forehead, but when she tried to rise to start lunch she felt a tough pull on her stomach from where Sayori's arms were still tightly wrapped around her. She looked down and though she couldn't see Sayori's eyes as they were buried against her, she had the feeling her girlfriend was close to spilling tears again.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you." Sayori whispered. "I know you're trying really hard, and everything is just happening all at once. I can't… I already forgot what we fought about. It's… God it's not getting better Moni." She gazed up at Monika with a single bloodshot eye, Monika's hand gently parted the hair out of her girlfriend's face. "Are you… do you hate me?"

"Never." There was silence for a moment, but Monika knew that it didn't signify the end of the conversation, and that Sayori would not let her leave.

"Monika?"

"Hm?"

"I'm… scared." Sayori nuzzled deeper into her chest, and Monika let out a small sigh as she thought of everything that was happening. There wasn't anything else that needed to be said, no specifications or details, just those two words were enough. For Monika, there were only two words that she could return and remain truthful.

"Me too."

---

The next couple of days seemed to pass by in a blur for Monika. She had expected the constant anticipation of receiving the dreaded phone call from the hospital to leave her in a slow and miserable state, never knowing when or if the bad news would strike. To her surprise however Christmas was on their doorstep before they knew it, and though neither Monika nor Sayori had received word of Yuri yet, Monika was still determined to have a good holiday despite all of the obstacles and souring events that had tainted the winter season.

This was in part an attempt to diminish Sayori's recent distant attitude, as her depression only seemed to descend with the temperature and had developed a habit of avoiding any form of intimacy with Monika. The days of cuddling together for hours and playfully kissing while watching movies together seemed like a distant memory as Sayori now politely asked for space or simply stated she wasn't in the mood for affection. Though hurt by this, Monika suspected that like her, Sayori felt guilty for the two of them making love during Natsuki's disappearance, and tried to be understanding and compliant with Sayori's requests.

If there was one thing that Monika had faith in cheering up her girlfriend however, it was Christmas. Sayori, who loved the warm and happy glow of LED's strung up along trees and ceilings, who had sulked until Monika had given in and bought a small cherry blossom bonsai light so that they had some sort of tree in their apartment. Their holiday plan was to visit Natsuki in the hospital so that she wouldn't be alone on Christmas day. Sayori was very keen on the plan, and had insisted on texting Yuri to let her know they would be there – and to the surprise of both girls Yuri had responded with only the confirmation that she would meet them there.

Christmas morning, Monika was woken up by Sayori in a familiar jubilant fashion with Sayori jumping around the mattress in only her underwear with a look of utter glee and excitement on her face. Monika was just glad they kept the curtains closed.

"Say, stop that, you're gonna pop the mattress." Monika chided sleepily, but she couldn't deny a smile as she watched Sayori look alive for the first time in days. There were too many days where Sayori woke up with an exhausted look and a lack of willpower to even get out of bed for Monika to actually fight back against Sayori's overactive festivities. Between that and her recent tendency of being noticeably less romantic and affectionate, Monika was soon up and celebrating with her in her own way. Monika watched like a parent who had spent all night wrapping presents from the doorway, gripping her coffee with half-lidded eyes and a dim smile as Sayori hurried to get dressed and ready so they could begin celebrating the holiday proper at the hospital.

"Can't I open one? Please, Moni?" Sayori begged for the fourth time after a quick (and somewhat unhealthy) breakfast of cream biscuit sandwiches. She pulled her boots on and tugged her beanie tightly over her head, giving Monika the pleading look that she was only now gaining a resistance to.

"Nope. Not a chance, love. I told you I was only able to afford you one present." Monika said as she sipped at her brew. Sayori pouted and crossed her arms.

"Well duh, that's the point!"

They gathered their combined presents and stuffed them into a single bag that began to bulge from all of Natsuki's clothes, soon riding in the back of a cab together as they drifted by the frost-dusted streets and the occasional bare tree that had been fitted with lights. By the time the hospital came into view, a light misty fog had settled and they quickly hurried inside only to be met with the low temperature of the lobby. Monika fought off a shiver and strolled up to the receptionist, giving a little wave as the woman looked up to her while Sayori cradled her arms for warmth.

"Uh, hello." Monika greeted awkwardly. "We're looking to visit Kisaragi Natsuki in the… I think she was in the intensive care unit?" She looked back at Sayori, who only shrugged. The receptionist nodded and with a small hum typed something out on her keyboard. After a moment she looked up with a small smile.

"Ms. Kisaragi, yep. She's in the trauma intensive care unit currently. We normally don't allow multiple visitors to visit a patient while in the TICU, however due to the timeframe of her treatments and at the patient's personal request, we're making an exception." Another second of typing and she pointed down the hallway to the right. "Fifth floor, room 504. A happy holiday to you, dears."

"Thank you, have a merry Christmas!" Monika bowed her appreciation and with Sayori's help lugged their bag to the elevator and slipped inside. There was a silent tension between the two as their elevator took them up; would Natsuki be awake? Would she be okay enough to even recognize where she was or who they were? Did she blame them for not realizing she had been in danger sooner? Was Yuri really there? Why hadn't she texted them sooner? Monika hadn't realized her hands were shaking from the anticipation of what would await them until she felt Sayori grab one to keep it still. Sayori didn't look at her or say anything, but Monika thought she quite preferred the silent reassurance that her lover's hand brought to her unsteady mind.

The elevator door opened and Monika and Sayori stepped out, the latter looking in different directions to see which led to room 504. Monika pointed out the door and tried to fight back the nerves that were politely offering for her breakfast to make a reappearance as they approached it. Sayori knocked, waited, and after a moment a muffled voice from the inside bid they enter. The door opened and revealed the familiar sterile white room Monika had sat in on her last visit, the gentle hum and beeping of the many machines and monitors connected to Natsuki being the only sound that penetrated the silence as they looked in and saw a familiar face giving them a weak smile.

"Merry Christmas to you, Sayori. And you, Monika." Yuri greeted softly. Her hair wasn't in any fancy braids today, instead parted by a single clip that blended in with her hair almost perfectly. She sat in the wooden chair that Monika had sat in the day before wearing a large fur coat, and dark circles sat under her eyes as though she had slept just as well as Monika had over the past few days. Sayori gasped and let go of Monika's hand, raising both of her own and flying forward to lock Yuri in what was likely to be the strongest hug energy ever dispersed until she stopped so fast that she wobbled for balance.

"Oop! Sorry, almost forgot! This unit requests permission to hug, ma'am!" Sayori asked with a fake salute. Yuri looked surprised, but smiled and gave a nod as she opened her arms for Sayori who eagerly embraced Yuri in a hug that ended up pinning her arms to her sides. Yuri and Monika swapped apologetic looks at one another from over Sayori's shoulder, one clearly saying 'I hope your girlfriend isn't hugging me too affectionately' while the other said, 'I hope my girlfriend isn't breaking your arms.'.

"Wooooow, come all the way out here to visit my broken ass on Christmas day, and Yuri gets the first hug? Tsk, that's cold, Sayori." A raspy voice said from the other side of the room. Everyone turned to see Natsuki smiling lazily from the bed, the lower half of her face was no longer blocked by a ventilator, and a large gauze eye patch covered where her right eye had once been, overall looking much better than when they had found her within the shed. She still looked weak, and Monika had a suspicion that just smiling was probably a painful experience for her judging by the grimace she was trying to hide.

"NATSUKI!" Sayori's voice descended into a quiver as her eyes welled up and she ran in a similar fashion over to the bed, hands outstretched for a hug that Monika was sure Natsuki would have taken, only for Sayori to suddenly stop again while opening and clenching her hands. It was clear she didn't think it safe to hug Natsuki as she was, and so Natsuki reached up and squeezed Sayori's hand before giving a little fistbump that they both made small explosion noises to. Monika smiled, walking over beside Sayori and squeezing her hand as well.

For a moment none of them spoke, Sayori was smiling but holding back tears while Monika tried to think of something to say, but the words still seemed out of reach for her. Finally Natsuki seemed to sense their hesitancy and motioned towards her eyepatch.

"Lost my eye." She muttered with the same air as one who had misplaced their wallet. "Cops were in here all of yesterday morning grilling me about what happened. They said you guys uh, you guys found me. In the shed." Her jaw twitched before transforming into a wide smile and she gave a hollow sort of laugh. "It's one thing to see me beaten to shit, but while I was in my underwear? Now that's embarrassing. Did they tell you? The police, did they tell you about what happened?" She looked anxiously from Monika to Sayori and then to Yuri.

Sayori shook her head. "Not really, no. All we saw was the aftermath, and even then I was outside for most of it to get a hold of the cops. Yuri and Monika were the ones inside for the most part. The cops questioned us for a bit, I guess they thought that we might have had something to do with your dad-" Monika shot Sayori a look. "-uh, you know, what he did to you. What uh, what did happen? If that's okay to ask, of course! It's Christmas, maybe we shouldn't talk about it, let's just-" But Natsuki waved her hand, giving a small cough as she did so.

"Nah, it's fine. You guys deserve to know, kinda hard to hide that I got my fucking ass beat after all." She blew air out of her nose and shifted in her bed a bit, clearly annoyed that she was obviously in pain. "So, I uh… had an argument. It came out of something stupid, I… I was annoyed and confused by something someone else had said, you know. And I had skipped school like a moron, because… well, I honestly didn't think I could. Well I guess I still had an attitude and he didn't believe I was sick, so he got pissed off by it and we did our usual routine. 'Fuck you, you're drunk.' and 'You're a little disrespectful bitch, show some respect.' yada yada. Anyway, it got to the 'throwing things' stage and I uh, threw my phone at him. Fucking stupid, really, but he did the same, just with a bottle of beer instead."

"Honestly, it was a hell of a throw since he was at the bottom of the stairs and I was at the top. Cheap ass bottle hit my eye with the bottom, and it shattered on impact which got a bunch of glass and shit in there too. Totally fucked up my contact too, I should add." She smirked at her own dry humor, but stopped when she noticed the others weren't smiling with her. "And… shit got bad. It had never been that bad before, you know? We throw shit like books and shoes and stuff, but we've never left anything other than bruises. I guess he felt pretty fucking bad about it because he came upstairs apologizing and trying to get me to look at him so he could see, but God Damn. I was in so much pain, seeing red and feeling the blood, it was scary as hell and I was still a bit mad, you know, on account of my eye being totally ruined. So I kicked him in the jaw, that felt good, and I think I crawled out the window?"

She seemed to pause for a moment as if recollecting. "Can uh… can barely even remember what happened after that, really. I was in so much pain I puked, I remember my throat burning. That might've been in the shed. Uh, what else- oh yeah! I went out the window and shut it behind me since it has a latch on the inside that clicks into place whenever it closes! But I was trying to close it while I was hanging onto it and- yeah, you know what, it does sound pretty damn stupid when I say it out loud." She shrugged again, laying back and taking a deep breath. "That's it, really. I'm sorry you guys came and… well, saw all of that. All of me. I haven't heard anything about my dad being here yet, God he's going to fucking kill me… probably got him in custody. Hope so, I'm… I really don't want to see him. I don't want him to see me like… like this, to be honest."

Monika could tell that just talking about it had been a tremendous ordeal for Natsuki. She was proud of her friend for being able to open up to them all, but something still seemed to be bothering her. Perhaps talking about what had happened had been both tough but a good distraction, and now it seemed she needed a new one. The news that her father had not only died, but apparently had died from his own actions, was not something that needed to be said now. Monika looked up and saw that Yuri seemed to be thinking the same as her. She gave Monika a sad look and mouthed only a single word: artery. It was enough for Monika to understand. Sayori was silently rubbing Natsuki's hand still, and perhaps Natsuki feared the silence would bring more questions because she pointed limply towards Yuri and gave a feeble grin.

"Alright, enough sappy shit. It's Christmas dammit and I'm tired of hospital food, that stuff is blander than Sayori's rice cakes after she's left them out to go stale."

"Hey!"

Monika smiled, looking over to see that Yuri sat on the other side of the bed amongst several folding trays that had been set up in front of the bed while Natsuki was talking. On them were platters of food in cardboard buckets and tupperware, a warm greasy scent rising from them that allured Monika and soon even Sayori who sniffed the air curiously now that attention had been brought to it. Monika recognized the brand immediately, grinning at Yuri who was still unloading various condiments and utensils.

"Fried chicken, huh?" She asked, leaning over to help yank the bag that had caught onto a circular box that was almost as wide as the bucket. "Is it okay for Natsuki to eat this?"

"Well it is Christmas." Yuri stated simply. "Sayori, if you wouldn't mind helping me set this up, I have plates too. I called ahead and asked her doctor just to be sure, as I am not a nutritionist, and they said at this state protein would be most beneficial for her. I made sure to purchase a fair number of sides as well as a salad for you, Monika, since I know you do not eat meat. Could I perhaps persuade you to get the gifts ready, while me and Sayori finish this up? Mine are by the corner over there." Within a few minutes the four of them all sat in a sort of circle with their chairs facing towards Natsuki's bed, their trays laden with mashed potatoes, fries, fried chicken, and even a cake for dessert. Sayori had already eaten half of a chicken leg when Yuri pulled out several boxes and gently handed them over to her.

Sayori's eyes widened as if she hadn't expected a present to begin with and quickly wiped her hands as she tried to speak through the chicken. "Oh, 'hank yoo, Yuwi!" Monika smiled as Sayori's eyes gleamed and excitement pulled her lips back into a wide smile, tearing the wrapping paper aside and letting out a soft "Oooooh." as she held it up for the others to see. "Thank you so much, Yuri! I love it! What uh, what is it?" Yuri stifled a giggle and pointed at the box.

"It's called a sun lamp. They're for when you aren't able to get as much sun during the winter months, allowing your body to make more vitamin D. I have one myself, and though you wouldn't think it, they do seem to certainly raise your spirits and give you a little boost during your day." Sayori blinked at the explanation and looked back at the box, her smile making her eyes squint as she gave Yuri an appreciative look and hugged her arms around the box. Yuri pointed towards the other two smaller gifts that she had given Sayori. "They aren't anything grand, I'm afraid, but I thought they would pique your interest. At least, I hope they do, I apologize if they-" But her words were drowned out as Sayori let out a squeal and hugged an album case to her chest that Monika recognized as having the symbol from the ska band she was so fond of. The other gift, a complex coloring book that was supposed to help relax one's mind, made Sayori just as happy.

"I also purchased one for you, Natsuki. Since you're in the hospital and all, I thought it might help during such a troubling time. I'm glad I did, as it sounds as though your phone was destroyed." Yuri said as she helped rearrange the tables into a more organized fashion; Sayori had rushed up to hug Yuri in thanks and nearly knocked over their Christmas meal.

"Oh gee, thanks." Natsuki mumbled, though she didn't look too upset. "Way to spoil my Christmas gift."

"Ah, actually I… well, I got it for you outside of the Christmas gift buying. It was… well, merely something to help while you're here. I also brought the manga you've been storing at my house. I thought you could use it." Yuri shifted in her chair and Natsuki suddenly looked very embarrassed, nodding for Sayori to open the gift from her next. Yuri handed the gift from her bag and Monika casually grabbed her own gift for Sayori while the others were preoccupied.

"So uh, yeah… I hope you enjoy. You're lucky I left my gifts in Yuri's trunk, otherwise one of these gifts would really suck." Natsuki breathed, flashing a knowing smile at Monika. Sayori took the package gratefully and opened it up, a small smile appearing as she held up the cartridges in her hands. They were thick and gray, each one as big as her hand and she shifted through them with looks of nostalgia. She ran a finger lightly against the paper image glued to the front of one, looking up at Natsuki afterwards with a warm glow to her smile that Monika craved to feel upon herself.

"I remember playing these when we were little… I think." She looked confused then, almost hurt as though the cartridge had called her a name. "Why can't I… why can't I remember more than that? They said it wouldn't affect more than a year. Monika, why can't I remember?!" Her breath was catching and her hands were shaking so violently that she had to hold them to keep them still. Without a word to the others Monika stood Sayori up and quickly walked her outside in the hall so that she could have what was an approaching meltdown in privacy. The door had barely closed when Sayori pushed her palms into her eyes as if trying to wipe the vision from them entirely. Her breath labored and little sobs escaped as she muttered incoherencies beside Monika. "Broken… can't remember, I can't remember. Stop it stop it stop it, please God just stop it… I don't want to be like this."

Monika squeezed her hand and comforted her, unburdened by any doubts or second-guesses. None of the doctors or nurses who swept past them disturbed them with more than a passing glance which confused Monika, until she remembered what ward they were in and that breakdowns were likely commonplace. "It's going to be alright. Breathe in and out for me, love. Three times in, three times out, that's it. We'll get through this together." She silently promised, rubbing at Sayori's hand with her thumb like she had a hundred times before. Sayori glanced up at her with eyes that shook as much as her hands, and the confusion on Sayori's face scared Monika more than anything. But then familiarity returned and Sayori's eyes watered more, a weak smile trying to tug at her lips as she squeezed Monika's hand back.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't be like this. Natsuki almost died and I'm having a fit because of a memory that probably has nothing to do with my amnesia. I…" She glanced up at the black and gold bow that was clipped prettily to the back of her head. "I think the cracks are getting wider. Too wide." Monika couldn't hide the concern on her face and edged closer.

"Do you want to go home? If being out here is too much we can head back-" But Sayori shook her head, letting go of Monika's hand and standing up tall while muttering to herself. "I can do it. I can do this. Banjo… um, Tick Tock Clock? No no, it was… Click Clock Woods. That's it." With a deep breath for confidence, and a gentle pat on the back from Monika, they both entered back into the room to finish their Christmas celebrations. Natsuki didn't badger Sayori with questions or looks, and Monika suspected Yuri was the reason for this. Yuri, who knew what it felt like to be a spectacle and to have invasive questions, had probably drilled Natsuki on how to react while they had been outside.

"Ehehe, sorry about that. We uh, we never did get past the Click Clock Woods, did we, because we kept falling off, remember? Gosh, I wish I still had the system for these." She was still staring wistfully at the cartridges as though nothing had happened, when Monika cautiously slid her gift into Sayori's lap without a word. The fear of another meltdown was present in Monika's mind. Sayori glanced up curiously, setting the cartridges aside and picking at the wrapping paper and cardboard box Monika had stuffed it in until she finally pried it open. She looked confused for a moment, then a mixture of shock and realization spread on her face, and before Monika knew it Sayori had wrapped her arms around her and was letting out a low whine all the while Monika patted her back. This, the feeling of Sayori in her arms once again, was the best Christmas present Monika could have asked for. Sayori was hugging her, mumbling incoherent thanks from where her face was buried in Monika's arm, and Monika knew she had finally done something right.

After Sayori's gifts, Yuri had gone next in opening her presents from the others. She had seemed surprised but flattered by the thoughtfulness of Natsuki's bathtub book holder, whereas Natsuki's face seemed to magically regain color long enough for her to purposefully stare at the ceiling as Yuri thanked her. Sayori had bought her a beautiful calligraphy set that contained an inkwell, black-feathered quill, and a wax seal stamper that were all made of polished brass with cogs and wings attached to the various pieces. Comparatively, Monika felt that her gift was rather lackluster and handed the mug over with an apologetic look on her face, but Yuri smiled gratefully and thanked her all the same much to Monika's relief.

"The fact that it's double insulated means I go longer before I have to reheat it, especially since it can get so cold in that house so fast." She was saying as she put the mug away. Monika frowned as she thought of Yuri's house and the fact that they hadn't spoken. She crossed her arms over the gift Sayori had handed her and crossed her arms over it.

"Yuri, why haven't you been answering our texts?" She asked. Yuri stiffened and winced as though she had stubbed her toe. "Your brother had to come back and get you, didn't he? From the police station." Yuri sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as everyone turned to face her, even Natsuki looked concerned as she glanced over at her. When she spoke, she sounded tired. Tired like Natsuki physically was, tired like Sayori was from her overwhelming emotions, and tired like Monika herself was from the strain of it all on her mind. There was no other word for it. They were all just tired.

"You are… correct. Ichiro, being my brother, did indeed have to come back home. He goes to the university in Kyoto, so he had to take a bus for nine hours just to get back home. When the police called him he told them to let me go home after the questioning, but he still came back home. This ah, well, this admittedly was not the best circumstances for a reunion." Yuri sighed and slumped a bit into her chair, shaking her head. "We argued long into the night, I'm afraid, and things have been very… tense between us. Honestly, he's too much like mother was. But I am alright, somewhat under duress and unofficial house arrest-" She stopped at their shocked glances and waved her hand away as though it were a fly to be brushed away. "Please, this is nothing like um… well…" She glanced at Natsuki hesitantly.

Natsuki shrugged. "It's fine. I know how it looks. I'm literally in a hospital bed dude, just say it…"

"Thank you. And um, I'm sorry." Yuri continued. "But as I said, this isn't anything as severe as what Natsuki has experienced. Just family discontent that, frankly, has been in the making for quite a while. I apologize for letting you all worry and not messaging sooner, or more frequently, but I can handle my brother trying to fill in a role he feels he has to. Grounding someone… honestly." She shook her head, but through the exhaustion in her eyes she managed to smile and motion towards Monika. "Please, open your gifts. I hope you like them as much as I do the one you've given me."

Monika opened the first gift to reveal a hardcover book about a teenage boy living in a remote mountain village while the second contained an aromatherapy kit that came with a myriad of various oils, including cinnamon and vanilla which made Monika smile considerably. Sayori had gone and bought her a compact record player and a vinyl that was a collection of top hits from the back in the day with songs both Japanese and foreign mixed in. The cover listed it as "Worldwide Hits from the 80's!" and Monika knew that the first thing she wanted to do was dance with Sayori to whatever was on this album. ("I wasn't sure what to get you, but I remembered that you like old stuff! At least I think you do…") She made sure to thank Sayori with a big hug as Yuri helped Natsuki present her gift for Monika.

"Alright, so I kinda ran out of money…" Natsuki muttered between coughs. "Sorry. But I've been working on this for a while cause, well, I knew it would take a while. Took what was left and kinda made you, well… just take the darn thing. You're living with Sayori and I already know it by heart." She passed over a sort of binder that had the words, 'Natsuki's Nonpareil Cookbook for Dummies!' written on the front with a plethora of little doodles dotting the cover. Monika blinked and opened the book, revealing page after page of handcrafted recipes that she could tell had been created and written all by Natsuki. Everything from miso, to soba, to a homemade curry roux, all while on a budget. It was clearly something that had come from Natsuki making the most out of the least amount of ingredients at home, and the fact alone made Monika feel a surge of affection for Natsuki.

Natsuki seemed to notice Monika's face and stuck her tongue out while avoiding her stare. "Oh gross, no mushy shit. Just, you know, put it to good use if you're ever in a tight spot and can't afford fancy ingredients and whatnot." She coughed into her hand, her lungs wheezing harder to the point that she had to wave Yuri away who had shot up in concern. "I'm fine, just-" Another bout of coughing followed by a yawn. "Guess I'm not used to so much activity. Heh, just uh… Yuri? Could you, uh… open my gifts?" She asked. Yuri didn't need to be told twice, gathering all of Natsuki's gifts at the foot of her bed and pulling out her own first to open.

"Ah, what did you-" Natsuki's face scrunched up as she saw a the therapeutic coloring book, a box with the words 'PARFAIT GIRLS COLLECTOR'S BOX' painted in bright flashy letters on the side, and a tiny envelope that was the size of her hand. Natsuki's eyes widened to the size of saucers as she hastily opened the box, squealing in delight as she pulled out a large book from within. "Holy shit! Hoooly shit! Where did you- dude, this is the collector's BOX. This thing was scalped to hell and back! It's even got the art book with all the never before seen concept art I've heard about, oh my God!" She glanced between the book and a rather nervous looking Yuri. "This is… you know, I'm actually impressed. You did a great job, thank you." She looked up at Yuri and smiled. "Genuinely, thank you."

"You like it, then? I thought it had all of the books since I noticed you were missing some volumes in the box of manga at my house, so you'd definitely have all of them at least. My apologies." Yuri mumbled. Natsuki was clearly about to brush her apology aside when Yuri pointed towards the envelope and took a deep breath. "That however is… well, a last minute addition. I… I had this made yesterday, after recent events it only seemed fitting. I do not know where you will end up, Natsuki, in the wake of this horrible… incident." Natsuki immediately looked uncomfortable and reclusive, but Yuri pressed on. "However, I want you to know that while what has happened should never happen again, if you are ever in need for any reason, be it food, shelter, or just… um, a f-friend, that you will have access to it. I will never allow you to have to crawl your way into a rusted tin shack when you are in trouble again, and before you ask, I do not give a damn what my brother may think. I live there, he does not."

Natsuki slid open the envelope, revealing a single brass key held between her fingers. She stared at it with a frown, glancing between it and Yuri as though she expected her to snatch it away and shout, "Ha! Just kidding!" but she never did. It was clear Natsuki was losing her composure and she turned her head away from them all, staring a hole into the wall beside her.

"Wow, heh, typical Yuri. Got the most money and you b-buy me a cheap brass key, heheh. That's… that's pretty messed up…" Her eyes were clenched shut with the key still in her hand, until Yuri's own hand gently folded Natsuki's fingers over the key and kept it clamped tight. Monika wasn't sure why she chose now of all time to present their gifts, perhaps a part of her wanted to try and push Natsuki over the edge; not to poke fun, but to show that she was okay. She was safe. She could be herself amongst them. So when Monika and Sayori opened up one wrapped set containing a sweater, a skirt, and socks, Natsuki practically howled. "Fuck you guys! Y-you guys are assholes, I h-h-hate all three of you and- and-" The rest of her words were drowned out as she covered her face and sobbed openly for the first time in recent memory, as Monika recalled what she had told them in Yuri's house.

"You learn to not express shit like that. You learn how to cry without letting out a single tear, how to just… wipe your eyes, go on with your day."

To anyone who had been walking by, perhaps they might've thought the worst Christmas was taking place inside of room 504 with all of the cursing and crying. But it was, in Monika's eyes, the best Christmas she had ever been a part of. Natsuki hadn't stopped crying until they finished showing her all of the clothes they had bought her, and then apologetically claimed that crying was exhausting and had made her all the more sleepy. Monika decided now was a good time to wrap up their celebrations, grabbing the trash off of the floor and piling their gifts together as goodbyes were said. Yuri allowed Sayori one last hug while Natsuki gave both Monika and Sayori a weak little fistbump in both goodbye and as thanks.

"Sorry for making it all… you know, weird." Natsuki yawned. "But thanks, guys… all of you. This was a good Christmas."

"It was our pleasure. Take care Natsuki, we'll come back and visit when we can, okay?

"Don't eat too many sweets, and enjoy your gifts guys!"

Monika approached Yuri, who was cleaning up the food, to say their farewells but Yuri took her hand with her own and bowed towards her, much to Monika's surprise.

"I've begun my work at the library, and when we go back to school I have no doubt the workload is going to overrun us both. The fact that my brother and I's argument has left me 'grounded' from my own phone for a while does not help matters at all." She sighed and raised her head, with a look of resigned defeat her eyes that Monika hated to see was filled with regret. "I just… I may not be able to check on Natsuki as often as I would like. Would you… could you…?" But Monika had already nodded.

"Of course, Yuri. You're all my friends. I'll visit her as often as I can. And thank you for lunch, I know this probably wasn't cheap, and you probably had to wait in line, but it really made the day special." She smiled, and Yuri did too with apparent relief until Monika smirked and leaned closer towards her. "But you know, I'd have an easier time falling for someone if they came to visit me a lot instead of my old club president."

"Out! Out! Natsuki needs rest, you heard her, merry Christmas!" Yuri quickly shoved a laughing Monika out into the hall, nodding her farewells to them both as she quickly shut the door to prevent any more wisecracks from making it through. Monika smirked and began to help a rather confused Sayori heft their bag of opened presents back down the hall towards the elevator. It was as they reached it that a sudden thought popped into Monika's head and she forced herself to stop dead in her tracks. What if they invited Yuri over for the New Year? As much as she wanted to include Natsuki, she had a feeling visitation hours didn't last until midnight.

She jabbed a thumb behind her and left the bag with Sayori, already skipping backwards. "I'm just going to ask Yuri over for New Years since she doesn't have her phone! Is that okay with you?"

"That's fine, but be quick, there probably aren't many cab drivers out right now!" Sayori called back. Monika walked briskly back down the hall and went to grab ahold of the door, when she heard something that stopped her dead in her tracks from the other side. Natsuki was still awake, and it sounded as though she was on the verge of hyperventilating. Monika hesitated for just a second before stepping closer and pressing her ear against the door. What on earth could've happened in the span of the minute since they'd left? She was sure Sayori was staring at her from where she stood at the elevator but she tried to focus on making out the words through the gasping and sobbing.

"-can't do it, I c-can't Yuri. I'm scared, no, not even that, I'm f-fucking terrified."

"Natsuki, dear, please relax. If your body gets too stressed too fast you'll trip-"

"I'm going to fucking die!" Natsuki wailed. "I-I know it! They… they said my heart rate is really slow a-and my body is… fuck I can't speak. That's why Papa isn't here, he-he doesn't want to see me die…" There was a soft moaning noise followed by a string of coughing before Natsuki spoke again. "I'm… oh God, I don't want to die. I don't. I can't even see properly because my eye is fucking gone, Yuri. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared."

"Shhh, hush. It's going to be okay. You're not going to die, Natsuki. You're far too tough to let something like this beat you, I know that. Our friends know that."

"... I don't want to die. I haven't lived yet, it isn't… I haven't done anything yet! I want to draw and create and bake foods and run through the grass with a kite and just… fucking live!" Natsuki's voice was almost indistinguishable from how Monika knew it, the fear, the panicked stuttering and hyperventilating, it was all so unlike what she normally heard from her friend. It scared her. "I'm going to die and I haven't done anything yet, I want to go on shitty dates and go to parties and fall in love, get my heart broken, and then be a fucking moron and do it all over again! I don't… I don't want to die alone. Here one day and just g-g-gone the next, nobody there, nobody cares, I'm just dead."

"N-Natsuki, please… you will not be alone. You will never be alone again, I promise you that. I… I will be here, and even if y-y-you do die, which you shall not, I will be here. I will h-hold your hand, and I will never let go of it."

"... Can… can you stay? I know you have to get home, be-because your uh… your brother. I just need a few more minutes… not alone, y-you know? Please?"

"... Of course."

Monika had heard enough to know anything else that was said afterwards was not her business. She softly walked away from the door and returned to Sayori, trying to make sure her own eyes weren't wet. Sayori had clearly suspected something was wrong, and though she didn't comment on it Monika could tell that Sayori had read enough of her facial expression to see that something beneath the surface was wrong. Nothing needed to be said because they both knew it, they both felt it, in their hearts and on the air around them. And even as they left the hospital, as they quietly returned home with encouragement about setting up Sayori's game, or putting a vinyl on Monika's new record player and relaxing during the rest of the day, the feeling that something was wrong never fully left, no matter how distracted they were.

---

Christmas came and went, but the winter weather wasn't keen on leaving them any time soon. Monika awoke several days in a row from the cold and had to kick their heater up even higher, something she was sure would affect her pocketbook when the bills were due. Though she was off from school her job was still a necessity, and with the end of term having passed and in the midst of the holidays, Monika was desperate for any and every client she could pick up. She lamented it some days, when she awoke to Sayori curled around her obnoxiously large cow beside her and in the fits of a nightmare and could not stay beyond waking her up and comforting her for a few minutes. Those days she would spend anxiously teaching sums and figures at a stranger's house and wait anxiously for a text from Sayori that more often than not would not come.

Other days she found herself guiltily enjoying the time away. Between her work and the fact that Sayori had suddenly started volunteering at the shelter again after Christmas, their time had become even more strained despite school being out. She loved Sayori, more than anyone she had ever met or would likely ever meet, but when all she wanted was to hold her girlfriend and watch silly videos online together or to read a book beside each other, and every attempt was met with a solemn, "No thanks." or "I think it'd be better for me to be alone right now." she couldn't help but be frustrated. Was she doing something wrong? Had she overstepped her boundaries somehow? Monika personally thought that Sayori was still feeling guilty over the two of them making love while Natsuki had been in danger and was now apprehensive of spending quality time together, but because Sayori would get upset and shake her head whenever she brought it up, she didn't have any answers.

Sometimes it felt like she and Sayori weren't even dating at all.

New Year's was something Monika was looking forward to; another chance at celebrating and interacting with her favorite person in the world. They cleaned their apartment of what little trash they had collected before New Year's eve, and Monika had snuck out the night before to her favorite secret shop, the convenience store, and spent nearly three-thousand yen on surprise bags for the holiday between her and Sayori. She had planned on watching the first sunset of the year with Sayori on the hill beside the apartments, but when she had finally arrived home from volunteering at the shelter, Sayori admitted she wasn't feeling much for celebrations. After a bit of prodding and pleading, she managed to convince Sayori to at least watch the fireworks outside as the year passed into a new one.

After watching the fireworks in silence for a little while and wishing each other a happy new year to one another, Monika trudged back to the apartment with Sayori tailing just behind her. If she noticed something was bothering Monika, she didn't speak up. Instead she went inside and fell asleep almost instantly on the bed, leaving Monika to stare up at the ceiling and try to fight off the thoughts that kept her awake.

She doesn't love you.

She's bored of you.

There's someone else.

Her depression is overpowering her.

Just hold on and keep going, you have to be there for her.

You're getting bored of her.

When her alarm went off to signify the sun was soon to rise, Monika almost turned and shook Sayori to wake her up, to ask her to come outside and see the sun since it meant so much to her. But her hand stopped short. She told herself that Sayori was likely exhausted and that was why she had gone to sleep so quickly yesterday, and that she needed her rest. But the truth was she didn't really care if Sayori was exhausted. Sayori didn't want to talk to her, and seemed to go out of her way to avoid her to the point that Monika didn't want to watch the sunrise with her. Instead she threw on her coat, stepped outside into the dark and crossed her arms over one another as she walked to the hill.

The thoughts had begun to fester long into the night, things she wanted to say or do that in her heart she didn't truly want to say. She didn't expect to go to the shrines in the next few days either, in fact she didn't expect anything at all from Sayori as it were. She never wanted to practice on steadying her memory, nor did she ever try to help Monika read through books or passages for a defense against her mother, and now it felt as though she was purposefully distancing herself in any way she could just so they didn't have to be together. It was like she had lost hope, completely and utterly abandoned any notion of living beyond basic sustainability. Monika scoffed, as even then she had to convince her girlfriend to scarf down food, to take a shower, to get out of bed and do something that might cheer her up. For a moment Monika was almost glad that she wouldn't have to be stuck with someone who so clearly didn't want to be around her in a few days when Sayori would be going to court, but the thought alone made her nauseous with guilt.

Was she getting bored of Sayori after all? Was she not ready to deal with someone who suffered so heavily from depression?

For the next three days, Monika felt nothing short of emotionally despondent as they spoke a total of three sentences together. When the fourth arrived and Monika awoke for the first day back to school, she didn't bother saying goodbye to Sayori. She regretted it before she had even left the door, since she knew Sayori was lying there, awake, but the hurt and confusion in her heart wouldn't let her so much as utter a wish of good luck. She hoped that she would have the courage to text her, or if she was really lucky Sayori would take charge and take her. But something told her she would not.

Perhaps, Monika thought to herself as she sat in Ms. Fujita's class, people really do change as they grow older. Likenesses, comfort, pleasure, all of it is pretty superficial and subject to change from experiences as we grow. Maybe Sayori can't handle a relationship right now. Perhaps, as harsh as it is, you can't handle one either. How can you take care of yourself if you're always having to take care of someone else? Someone who won't even open up to you.

Monika knew that one way or another, she would have to call Sayori. It was time for a talk, an explanation as to why she was feeling the way she was. If she backed away and refused to open up yet again, then perhaps they needed to talk about spending time apart. Because what Monika felt in that moment, in those days, in the weeks that had led up to it, was constant nerve-wracking agony. She didn't want to, God knows that she wanted nothing but the touch of her love and the reminder that she cared for her, but if she wasn't making Sayori happy then something would have to be done.

The more she thought about it, the more sure she was, and the more sure she was, the more she dreaded it. Could she do it? She didn't want to, she wanted things to just work out and go back to normal, but what could she really do? Her mind began to flurry the closer she got to home. Tennis had been an ample distraction but not nearly enough to satisfy her anxiousness. She decided in the end she wouldn't push the option of taking time apart, merely suggest it and see what Sayori thought. They were a couple after all, and they would decide on their future together, whether Sayori wanted to or not.

When she arrived home to the apartment, cold from the sweat that had chilled in the winter temperatures, she was surprised to find that the room looked different. Things were neater, more clean and organized, and for a moment Monika considered that Sayori had cleaned up in an odd way of apologizing, but it wasn't fitting in quite right. The bed wasn't made, nor were any of Monika's belongings organized, in fact a good deal of Sayori's belongings were also not organized, only select portions as though she had done excess cleaning and then stopped halfway through. It was as Monika was checking the fridge to see if her girlfriend had decided to clear out their food when the doorknob jingled and turned, revealing Sayori in a red hoodie and the beanie she wore. Monika couldn't hide her shock; wasn't she supposed to be in court?

For a moment Sayori stood there, staring at Monika who did just the same, and then she gave a little wave with her fingers. "Hey. I uh, just got back from visiting Natsuki in the hospital. She was asleep, ehehe, go figure. How uh… how was school?" Her voice was light, casual even, and that was what didn't set right with Monika. After nearly two weeks of odd vacantness and distance, was she really just trying to pretend that everything was okay? Monika frowned and looked around at their somewhat organized room while Sayori stepped past her and entered the bedroom they had never started to use due to the cold.

"Did you forget about court or something?" Monika asked. It came out far harsher than she had meant, but there was no denying that hurt had become anger. She hated it but she was upset, she was angry with Sayori for acting so cold and then coming home and talking like everything was fine. Everything was in fact, not fine. Sayori didn't immediately answer her, she was facing away from her and bent over a bag in the unused bedroom. When she finally spoke, her voice reminded Monika of someone who was bracing for the worst. Someone who knew they had done wrong.

"I didn't forget, no. There wasn't any court today." Her voice was quiet, almost dismissive. Monika clenched her teeth.

"So, what? I'd ask if the whole thing was a lie but I overheard the conversation you had on the phone, the one after we found Natsuki, so I know it was something. Did you just say you were going to be gone today so you could dodge me? Are you going off to meet someone else, am I just missing something or what?"

Sayori turned to look at her now, her voice filled with hurt. "I would never cheat on you! You know that-"

"I don't feel like I know anything anymore, Sayori!" Monika snapped, refusing to let tears surface. "You've been acting so weird ever since the incident with Natsuki that I feel like you're sick of being with me! You barely talk to me, you act like if you get too close to me I'll bite your head off or something, and do you have any idea how that makes me feel?! It's like you wake up in the mornings and you don't-" Her voice caught in her throat, she choked on words that she almost said before they finished forming in her mind and suddenly her body ran cold. "... recognize me."

Sayori did not cry. She did not look mad, or hurt, or even upset anymore. Monika recognized that look. She had seen it in the game a thousand times, the face she adored and would never forget giving her the look of someone who had been playing a sort of game only to be caught red handed. The soft but sad smile, the way her eyebrows turned up and the look in her eyes seemed to say, 'I'm sorry, can you forgive me?' without ever uttering a single word. Monika could not speak, nor could she move, until Sayori broke the silence.

"I haven't forgotten you." Her voice was so soft, so passive. The sentence alone should have made Monika burst into tears of relief, but they did nothing. "Like I… I know you're my girlfriend, but then I forget why you're my girlfriend, ehehe. Ehehehe. That's crazy right, that's something someone crazy would say?" Sayori held up her bangs with her hand, her eyes closed as her head gave a little shake. "You're Monika. You're the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life, and you are… probably someone who would've been so much happier if you hadn't met me." She sighed and dropped her hands to her side, the damned sad smile making its way to the front of her face like it had a hundred times before. "I broke our promise, the one about us never keeping a secret. And I'm… well, I'm sorry. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to, and the problem with secrets is once you start one they just keep adding up. It may sound silly, but if you've ever kept a secret because it would hurt the other person… then maybe you'll understand."

Shut up, shut up, just shut up.

"You're so much smarter than I will ever be. I know you probably already guessed."

Monika glanced around the room, at the semi-orderly way it was cleaned as though only certain things had been moved, the bag in the bedroom, she had stopped by the hospital to see Natsuki instead of school, even though there was no court she had to go to. There was no court to go to.

"You're packing." Monika mumbled. "The phone call with your mother… she wasn't saying you had to go to court. She was telling you that you had to come with her." Her voice caught in her throat. What was this? A sick joke? A prank? "You… you were going to leave? Just- just walk out on me without ever even telling me the truth?! Who does that… WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? I thought- you said you loved me!" She pointed a finger accusingly at Sayori and couldn't hold back the tears anymore, not when she was experiencing every nightmare she had ever had over again. "You! You said that, you said that you loved me! Was that a lie too? Huh?! How long have you been lying to me? What else was a convenient lie to make you feel better?"

"Nothing!" Sayori told her, and the pain and misery in her voice made Monika want to believe her. She wanted to believe the tears welling up in her girlfriend's eyes were real, that she really and truly meant it. She wanted to. "Nothing, Monika. I swear on my life that nothing else was a lie! I knew you cared about me too much to just let me go, and I… I didn't want you to do something stupid. I know the lengths you'll go to for us and, I know who you are, and you'll beat yourself into the ground until you're dead or we're all okay, and I can't have you do that." She clenched her eyes shut and gently took Monika's hand into her own. "I didn't want to, I would never have done this unless… unless you were in trouble because of it."

Monika wanted to throw her hands down out of spite, but she could not. She had missed them far too much. "What? What are you talking about, I'm not in any trouble!"

"My mom." Sayori whispered. "She told me I had two weeks until she was coming to get me, because she had won the custody case. I told her I wouldn't and she… she told me she would charge you with harboring a runaway, with kidnapping, a-a-and I just… I had to. Because I know you, coffee-girl. You would go to jail over me, and then there would be problems with your last name, and you don't need to be locked up. You… I want you to be happy. I thought, you know, if you hated me or didn't like me anymore that it would be easier for us both to let go, but…"

"But I am happy, I'm happy with you!" Monika cried, and Sayori's tears could no longer be contained either as she squeezed Monika's hands tighter. "I could never hate you, I could never ever hate you, not even if you ignored me for the rest of your life! You're beautiful, you're kind and sweet and more than anything you're my best friend! Please… please don't go." The anger had all but vanished, now replaced but unbridled fear that lapped at Monika like the waves of a hurricane along the coast. She was going to lose Sayori, again, unless she did something fast. She had to think, to formulate a plan and save the day, just like she always did.

Just like you always try. Just like you never manage to do.

Shut up, you shut your fucking mouth. You know who we are, I can do whatever the hell I want. I can erase worlds and the sun and moon if I desire, and there is no force in this world that can stop me, especially you!

Monika would tear down the walls of this world, the very foundation, and she would rain every plague, agony, and sin that she could on whoever stood in her way. She had come too far, lost too much and given everything she could, just for it all to be yanked out under her feet again? It was not an option. But then, with a sickening jolt Monika realized Sayori was right. She would go to any length to keep them all together.

"The… the books. I've been reading them, you know, and I can tell her." Monika sniffed. "I'll show her that it's okay, that you don't need to be fixed or anything. I'll do it and we'll be okay." It all made sense, that was the reason she had been given the books after all, to read and to learn and to have a weapon ready. They put those books there on Yuri's shelf for a reason, and it was this one. Why else did she simply happen to have books relevant to her problem? It was all a plan, a clever plan to supply Monika with what she needed to win the day. To save her friends. So why was Sayori still smiling that sad smile?

"I want you to know that you have changed my life. Forever. The past three months have been nothing short of incredible, and I feel honored for everything that has happened, both the good and the bad and whether I remember it all or not. Whether I deserved it or not. I wouldn't willingly trade those experiences away for anything." Her fingers gave Monika's a squeeze that was supposed to be comforting and did anything but. "You're going to make someone very happy one day, I know-"

"You make me happy, Sayori! You! I don't want anyone else, I'm happy with you!"

"I know." Sayori breathed. "I know, and now I have to go. I'm so glad that you were my first for so many things, because I know you'll treat the next person like you did me, and you will change their life just like you did mine. Sometimes… in life, we're stepping stones, you know? We're here to help and to get someone to the next stage, if that makes sense, but… not always to stay. I like to think I had a positive effect on you, because if there is one thing I can say for sure I will never forget, it's how proud I am of how much you've grown these past few months." Sayori clenched her eyes and smiled wide, big and brighter than any sun Monika had ever seen. One last sunset.

Monika sobbed and wiped her eyes, desperately clawing for something to fix this, to stop the world from changing yet again. "I can't- Sayori, I can't lose you. I d-don't have anything else, there's nobody else who means as much to me, I…" She took a deep breath. "Sayori, I love-"

"Don't." Sayori's voice was barely above a whisper as she shook her head and broke Monika's heart into a hundred more pieces. "Please, don't. This is already so hard, I can't…"

"But I do! I love you, I love you so much you have no idea! I'll do anything, I-I'll run away- we'll run away together! I'm sorry I was mad, I didn't mean it, p-please, I'm sorry! I'll do better, Sunflower, we can fix this, I'll find the files and make everything better! We can try… please, God…" She could barely stand, her legs wouldn't support her for much longer. It was too much. The smell of cinnamon and vanilla were her lifelines, keeping her breathing and able to stand as her sobs broke the quiet of the room. "Don't go. You have so much left to do, I… I wanted to do so much more with you." One of her hands rose to wipe away the tears that were streaming down her face, but more took their place almost instantly.

Sayori was still smiling at her, and she leaned in to wrap her arms around Monika. At that moment, Monika knew it was all over. This was it, their last hug, a hug that wouldn't last forever, and would not be waiting for her whenever she wanted. She savored the way Sayori's arms gripped her, how her scent enveloped her and how she had been right all along, that her head truly fit so perfectly within the crook of her shoulder. As if it was made for it. She didn't want it to end. She begged for time to freeze until she was okay with what was happening, so that she would never have to let go. It didn't.

"I told myself I wouldn't do this. That it'd make it harder for us both, but… I know you need this." Sayori said softly into Monika's ear. "I know that I owe it to the time we shared and memories I have, fuzzy as a few of them are. I'm sorry for hurting you… I tried to be brave like you always are, but my bravery became cruelty. I wish I could see you smile again, so that the last image I have of you is that…" She started pulling back, away from the hug and Monika instantly took her hand and squeezed it as if squeezing it hard enough would put every ounce of love and every happy memory she had of the two of them into Sayori. She squeezed like her life depended on it because she knew that it very well might, like it might make Sayori remember her. That it might make Sayori love her.

"I don't want to ever forget you."

"And… so long as I'm holding your hand, maybe you'll always remember me."

The softness and familiar warmth of Sayori's palm slowly slipped from her own, and in an instant it was gone. She tried to remember the feeling of Sayori's fingers as they had brushed against hers for the last time, only to silently berate herself for spending so much time worrying about how soon the hug would end that she hadn't spent more time enjoying it. Sayori was already motioning to the other things around the room, and reaching for her bag on the floor while Monika tried not to crumple. Was there nothing else to do? Some last minute way to fix it all?

"I'm not taking everything with me. I probably won't need it where I'm going anyway, ehehe." Her laugh was hollow, empty of mirth or jest, just a front for appearances. She was putting up a mask again. "I'm sorry I can't take your gift, but thank you for it. It was fun to relive the better parts of my childhood, if only for a week. I'm… also leaving Mr. Duck. I hope he'll take good care of you, and… and you to him." Her composure almost broke for a second, but Sayori straightened up and smiled at Monika who did not buy it for a second. "I'll be okay. Maybe my mom won't even go through with it, maybe we'll just move somewhere else and… maybe we'll get to see each other again someday."

But that won't be you, Monika thought to herself. The next time we meet, if ever, we won't be the people we are today.

A horn honked from outside. How long had it been there? Monika hadn't even noticed the turquoise coupe outside, nor the squad car parked behind it. Yuri had been right, and Sayori hadn't been lying: her mother had expected resistance and was ready to back her end of the conflict up. Sayori opened the door, letting the deathly cold air waft in and freeze whatever heat Monika had left as she simply stood there in shock. Defeated. Broken. Sayori looked at her one last time, and Monika thought she was going to say something by the way the corner of her mouth twitched.

Please, Monika begged, please say something. Say you'll miss me, say you love me, that you'll be back soon or that you'll see me again. Say anything, anything at all. Please.

But Sayori just continued her fake smile and closed the door with an anticlimactic click that seemed to reverberate through the entire house. Monika stood still for a moment before running to the window and pressing her face to the glass as Sayori spoke to her mother for a moment before getting into the back seat of the coupe and resting her head against the window.

"Don't go…"

Monika wanted to see Sayori's head turn just as the two cars pulled out of the parking lot, the glint of sunlight reflecting off of her favorite shade of blue being the last image she would see. But there was no head turn. The cars pulled away, leaving Monika alone as her sun departed behind the clouds, and the rainstorms began to wash her away. Her arms felt weak, her chest sick and her head a violent mess of snot and tears as her legs succumbed to grief and she fell to the floor with her back to the wall and a pain like no other burning inside of her.

And Monika wept.